Taught Friday Hot Yoga After Six Morning Beers and a Corrective Line of Coke 🫠 – Jeff S.

Let's have an AA meeting. My name is Eric and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday night Blue Chip Speakers reading in the NAVA Club. We're a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with One Year More Sobriety tells his or her story. Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm an alcoholic. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what happened in their lives. We hope that no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabluchipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker and believe that we are a part of their life. That it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them too. I must have this thing. Tonight's speaker is Jeff. I've actually known him for a while. I met him at yoga, but we both happen to be in AA too. And I'm kind of biased, but he's going to be a good speaker. Thanks. Hey, everybody. I'm Jeff. I'm an alcoholic. And yeah, it's a pleasure to be here with you to tell my story. My story. sobriety date is February 1st, 2016, so it's about two and a half years. I have a sponsor, great sponsor. He has a sponsor. I'm sure he has a sponsor too, right? Bob has a sponsor. But it's pretty cool, you know, just how that works. And I had the opportunity to listen to both of them speak over the past couple weeks. Bob talked two weeks ago, Joe talked the fifth tradition, and so now it's my turn. And it's the first time I've told my story, so I asked him, you know, for some advice and all, and he said, try to put it out of your mind. And I think I did that pretty well. He asked me about a week ago or so, because he was going to speak, and then he had to take a trip. And I always, like, when I first got sober, I thought, it's going to be awesome to tell my story. I can't wait to tell my story. It's like, it's going to be so exciting. But then, I don't know, I just got to a place where I was like, it hadn't happened for, you know, a minute or so. And yeah, so yeah, I started to think about it and talk about, like, the inner dialogue mentally, you know, sort of amping its level up. You know, I get asked to tell your story, and, you know, over the next couple weeks, you think about all the things you've forgotten about, you know, like, for a while. So it's cool for me and my sobriety. And I've been around long enough to know that when you asked, you know, get asked to do something, you say yes to it, you know, because it's for my sobriety, and hopefully any, you know, I'm not sure if my story is anything like anyone else's, but, and I don't speak for AA or anyone, it's my story, but if it could help anybody, I'm happy to be here doing it. So yeah, I'm Yeah, it was just, I mean, he asked me about a week ago, and then just some strange things happened. We had gone to dinner with a couple, and, you know, it was August 3rd that he asked me. August, I realized August 4th was my original sobriety date. So, you know, it was like, it was a day, I kind of, you know, had it as a special day in my life, but I had lost that date, so it's now February 1st. But he asked me on August 3rd, and I realized, you know, that there's some synchronicity here. We were out to dinner with a couple, and I had a great time. I just met, I knew the wife from the yoga business, and she had asked me to come meet her husband, and we had just three hours or so, a great, great dinner conversation, and it's very charismatic and all, and the next morning, I'm at the Lenny Knighting game, and I get a text from her that he passed away on a mountain bike trail, you know, and he was a young guy. His heart just stopped, and all this was all happening, you know, right at the time I was, you know, being asked to speak, and it was just something that... It just made me think, you know, if not now, then when, you know, because I always used to do that thing. I'd be like, well, I'll do it sometime in the future, you know, but who knows how long that is, you know, so, yeah, let's get into it. He told me to tell you what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. He told me to try to be sober by 845 or so, but with that relapse, it'll, you know, we'll see how, you know, it ends up. So I was born in Boston. I'm the oldest of two, I mean, oldest of two siblings, my sister, my younger sister. I wasn't in Boston very long. My family moved to Miami when I was four years old, so I pretty much grew up in Miami, went to high school in Miami, and it was a really great childhood. My parents were loving, and, you know, they were there for me. My dad was really into sports. That was his thing, so I was... Pop Warner football, played baseball. I did all of that, and then I got into sailing. We used to go out every Saturday and do races in the bay, and, you know, pretty... Ideal, like, you know, but not enough for me to feel like I'm living an ideal life for some reason. For, you know, most of my childhood, I felt like the odd man out, you know, everywhere I went. I did move from school to school for some reason. I did kindergarten in one school, first, second, third, at a Catholic school, and then I went to public school, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, and ninth. I went to a really kind of exclusive private school in Miami because my mom was a teacher. She worked there, and so I got to go for free, and then she stopped working there, so for ninth, tenth, or tenth, eleventh, and twelfth, I went to Coral Gables High School and finished my stuff there, and I don't know, for some reason, like, I was thinking about this, like, I don't really remember thinking I had a best friend at any point, you know, in that time, and it was... I don't know if it's because we're moving around a lot or not. I had a lot of people that I'd call friends, but if I think you asked them to say, like, who's your best friend and who's mine, you know, it's like, I don't know if that would ever have matched up, you know, and I always felt like, you know, the friends I had, they were probably better friends with each other, and I don't know, just through that whole time, it was like, felt like I just didn't know how to get along with people in the same way other people got along with people, you know. I was trying, you know, I was trying to come up with a theory around, you know, how it's supposed to work, you know, to be a good person and to be, you know, a friend or connected or something, but I think that was part of my problem. It's all about the theories that were in my head. I used to come up with tons of them, you know, and always try to, you know, almost, if I could put it mathematically, try to figure out what the perfect, you know, way to be in society and friendship was, I probably would have got it right, but just living my life, you know, and trying to fit in, I always felt like I somehow, you know, didn't really belong, and it aided me, you know. It was something where I remember being in my room alone at night, you know, and just wondering, you know, if I was ever going to figure this thing out or what I'd have to do to figure it out. But, I mean, outside of just, you know, I'm playing football. I'm playing football, doing all that stuff. Thirteen, I guess it was thirteen, it was between seventh and eighth grade, when I was at that private school, I went to Sanibel Island with a group of friends, and that's my first time I got drunk, first time I remember drinking, and it's also the first time I got arrested. It should have been like a kind of a red flag, I guess, at that point, but we were just walking along the beach, and we came across a hotel, and they had one of those bars, outdoor bars, and it wasn't really well secured, and so we went to the hotel, and they had one of those bars, and it wasn't really well secured, and so we went to that bar, and we kind of just pried the door open, and there were cases of like old Milwaukee or something, really warm, you know, hot beer that we pulled these cases out, and being thirteen, we weren't geniuses, you know, at the heist or anything, so we just went right out on the beach, sat down out there, took a couple of tiki torches from the pool and made a fire, and we sat there drinking our beers, and it was awesome, you know, for a good twenty, thirty minutes or so. It was like, there were girls there, and I was like always, you know, really, you know, shy around girls and all, and I was just like making jokes, and I was having fun, and it was great, and then all of a sudden, there's like flashlights coming from three different directions, I mean, I don't know if they're like, they send a tactical team out to get us or nothing, but they just happened to come up the, you know, boardwalk and across the beach in both directions, and we all took off running, and I hid under one of those like, you know, ramps that go out to the beach out there, they have those dunes and stuff, so, but they caught every single one of us, brought us to the station, you know, just tried to scare some sense into us, I guess, at all. It really was, I mean, no one pressed charges, some of the other kids I was with, I don't know, their parents were, you know, influential in different ways, I don't know if that made a difference or not, but it was my first, you know, big experience with drinking, and you know, first, yeah, I didn't get fingerprinted or nothing, but I got to the station, and they were interviewing us, and it was weird, you know, but I loved it, too. At the same time, I felt like, wow, they were kind of like rebellious, or it's like a rebel thing, it's like, you know, this could be my thing, or something like that, but, you know, I was 13, so there wasn't a lot of, you know, I was like, I don't know, I don't know, there wasn't a lot of access to alcohol, you know, I would, from time to time, you know, especially on the boats and sailing and stuff, there's always beer around afterwards, so, you know, I would sneak one every once in a while, I never remember having enough time to really get drunk with it or nothing, but it was always in the back of my head that this is something I, you know, turns me into some version of myself that I really, you know, could get behind. So, time goes on, I'm getting into, like, I guess it's eighth, ninth grade, or something or so, and I play drums, so, you know, I've been, I was playing in the school bands, but I started playing with a group of guys, and we formed a band, and all these guys were older than me, they were 17, 18, 19, there were a couple of guys who were 21, but it started to become, you know, my life, really, was to be a drummer in this band, and we all thought we were going to make it, you know, and be famous one day, and I grew my hair out, it was all the way down to my waist, you know, and I was, I was loving it, but that's really where I started. I started getting the access to the drink, and that would, I remember we used to go to Outback Steakhouse, you know, almost every day we had a practice, you know, so it was mostly on Fridays and Saturdays, but we'd go to Outback Steakhouse after practice, and they would order a drink for themselves, the ones who were 21, and then once the drink was delivered, slide it over to me, I'd drink it real quick, they'd order another one for themselves, or, you know, it used to turn into two or three for me by the time we got to, like, graduation, but it was Long Island Iced Teas, that was my pick, you know, and when I first started, and it was really for no other reason, I think, than I saw someone make one one time, and I just saw how much alcohol was in that thing, and it's like, let's get it done quick, you know, so, yeah, so for a while it went on like that, I would drink, I was really good in school, you know, regardless, I had some knack for just being able to take tests and study and understand things, and math and science were always my thing. A friend of mine had given me a book by Richard Feynman, a physicist, and I'd read that book when I was young, and it really made me want to become a physicist, you know, one day, so I was like, I was always into the math and science stuff, but it was competing, of course, with my drinking, and it turned into some other things, we used to smoke a little, and, you know, it was all kind of what I felt like just kids do, you know, but it was starting to become something that I'd realize during the week, I'd start thinking about the weekend ahead, and, like, when I was going to get my, you know, next chance to go out and party, and just start to feel the relief, you know, that came from that. Because the rest of the week, I would be a wallflower, you know, and at school, and especially in high school, my, the high school I went to was a zoo, it was huge, and I was trying to keep my head down, and by the time I got to senior year, I was drinking and smoking and doing so much that I missed 60 days out of my senior year. I would just, I would drive to school half the time, sit in my car until after the bell rang, and then go to the pool hall down the street and play pool for the rest of the day, and, you know, grab some shots at the bar and stuff like that, but, but I had, I guess I had done enough coursework, I didn't go to graduation, I didn't go to prom, they were saying, you know, you're going to have to, you're going to be failed in all these classes, and I guess my parents got involved, I had already passed, I had already taken the SATs, and I was already accepted to come up here to Tech, and they said, you know, let's just let him take his final exam, so I hadn't taken any of the finals either, so I came in, took all my finals, and they just rubber stamped it. You know, and said, I can go. They were probably happy, happy to be gone, you know, rid of me at that point, but so it was like, so far, nothing, I mean, there were no consequences to any of the things I was doing, you know, I was able to somehow, some way, make myself, you know, end up, you know, the next thing I was doing in life was opened to me, and it wasn't, it wasn't blocked off by anything, even though I was already starting to feel like, I don't know, starting to feel like, you know, I was already starting to feel like, you know, I was already starting to feel like, I had no real direction, you know, outside of just the party life, and being a drummer, and going to shows, and doing all that type of stuff, I mean, I was going to go along with the plan, you know, the parents planned to go to, to go to college, and, you know, see how that worked, but it turns out I wasn't really ready for that either, I got up here, and I just never went to class, so my whole, you know, first semester, I don't think I showed up to maybe two or three classes, met a bunch of great people in the dorms, because they make you live on campus freshman year, so I met a bunch of great people, and I tend to gravitate to the ones that are the most like me, so we were also all into music, and partying, and going to shows, and, you know, we would, we'd do a lot of crazy things, and we, I remember one time we, we rented a truck, drove up here somewhere, or drove up to Kennesaw or Marietta somewhere, and one of those construction yards where they have, you know, all this wood lying around, like, they don't need it, I guess, but we, yeah, we loaded up the truck with wood so we can build ourselves a stage in one of the warehouses on Lucky Street. And we put on shows there. I remember, too, one of these shows, I went to Max Liquor. So, yeah, first thing I did when I got up here to Georgia, I went and got a fake ID. So I was, you know, 18, and they had a place somehow downtown that just made fake IDs. I don't know if that's even still possible, you know. It wasn't a very good quality one, but it was enough for a clerk at a gas station, or even a liquor store, who was, like, just looking for an excuse to say okay, you know, to take the ID and sell you something. So, yeah, I got a fake ID when I got up here. And I, I mean, I used to use it. By that time, when I was just starting college, I was drinking a lot of whiskey and scotch. I remember Dimple Pinch was one that I used to have bottles and bottles of bottles on, like it was some type of badge of honor or something on my bookshelf, you know, in the dorms. Anyway, yeah, we stole all this wood, brought it to the place. I went to Max to buy a keg. There were a group of cops in Max when I went in there. I brought the ID up to the counter. The guy went to the back and grabbed one of those. Those books, it was a Massachusetts ID for some reason. I guess it was nostalgia or some type of romantic notion. I got a Massachusetts, so he had to look the thing up, but he was flipping pages, and he got to the page, and I was there looking over his shoulder at it, and it looked pretty good, actually, but it didn't have the stamp, you know, right down the center. And he looked down at it, looked at me, and he looked with, like, a known look in his eyes, and looked down, looked at the cops, looked at me, and he's like, all right, you know, he sold me the keg. So, I mean, right there, it's like another, another near myth. But still, I was able just to continue on like that for a long, long time. I felt like I was at some superpower or something, you know, that kept me out of trouble. Yeah, so, also, towards the, you know, when I was in that time frame, 18, 19 or so, I started doing other things, other substances with some friends of mine in Miami. There was a lot of stuff going on in the rave culture, you know, there were warehouse parties and things like that. So, we started getting into that, and I would, I would drive down, you know, I'm not taking class, so I have plenty of time, so I would drive down to Miami and load up on stuff and bring it back up here and share it with my friends. And, you know, it was just, it was really, like, at a point where it was probably pretty dangerous, you know, for me and, like, where I was, I was heading. But I think failing out of school was probably the, the best thing that could happen to me at that, at that point. I got a, I got a job. I had done a little bit of software. Like. Stuff at home, you know, when I was young, I used to do it, just hobby kind of stuff. But I got a job doing some programming for a company, and, and it kept me kind of responsible for a short amount of time. You know, I was able to wake up in the morning, get myself there, still drink every single night, you know, but come in with hangovers, and it was, it was fine. And then, so after a while, I reapplied and got back in, and I was able to, just to hold it together just long enough to get through, you know, is really what, yeah, we really what, I guess it's, some, sometimes, I don't know, I'm able to find a, kind of a, it's like a white knuckle kind of thing, but the whole time I'm doing that, there's, like, a loud, like, bright light kind of noise or something in my brain when I'm not drinking. The problem, I feel like, for me, is, is not so much, you know, the, the drinking in itself, but it's, like, all the time I spend occupying my mind with, like, when's the next drink and when's the next drug and all of that stuff. So, it really took, you know, a lot out of just my energy, I feel like, is what it did. So, but anyway, I, I got through school, got through school. I had met a girl in school who's my now ex-wife. We met when I was pretty young. She was, you know, into drinking, but she was normal. She was a very sweet, you know, person. You know, she went through a lot with me because the bulk of my drinking, you know, really, she got to see it firsthand. And, but we met pretty young at 18, I guess, maybe 19 or so. Ended up getting married not long after that. I remember lots and lots of times where she would be crying and asking, you know, like, when's this going to end? You know, like, why can't you just stop? And, and I didn't know the answer. You know, I was like, I just, I just thought it was something, like, that I couldn't live without. And that's for sure. But, I mean, it's, it's one of those really, devilish sort of things that, you know, what are you willing to live without? It's like, you know, I had a wife and I had two kids at some point, you know, along the way with her. And, and no matter what, there was nothing that was going to get me, you know, to stop drinking. So I was switching all throughout those years. I remember I used to drink a ton of vodka. I'd switch to gin. I'd switch back to beer. I'd do the wine. I would just, I would keep trying to find a way to kind of manage the problem. So that, okay, well, last time I drank, you know, vodka, I smashed all this stuff up in the kitchen. I'm not going to do that again, you know? So let me, let me just try switching to beer. And, you know, all the while, it's just really, you know, tearing me up inside. It's turning, turning me into something that I know I'm really, you know, it feels like, like, there's like a caged me in there, you know? And the outside is, is driving to the liquor store, buying, you know, whatever, you know, is going to get me through this. And then the next 24 hours, and, and there were so many times where I didn't even want to take a drink, you know? But it was like, it was that noise and that pain inside me that I felt like I needed, you know, to relieve. So, so I would do it, you know, I'd do it anyway. There were, over the course of the next, I don't know, 10 years or so with, with her. I mean, there were all the things that the book said. I had no idea throughout that time that I was alcoholic, really. I mean, even though I'm sober. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? That now, like, you know, I, I know this, the, the way to phrase it around the feelings that I was having, then I didn't then, you know, I just knew that I, I liked alcohol. I liked partying and, you know, and she did too, but like I said, she was normal. So she, you know, was able to, to do substances. She was able to, to drink and put it away. And then, you know, next thing I know, I'm, I'm trying to sign oaths. I did the blood oath thing, you know, I actually put my finger on a piece of paper with the prick, my finger that I'm never going to drink again, you know, so yeah, all the cliche kind of stuff I ended up doing at some point along the way. And I would, I would, I would, the worst part, I was, I was driving all over the place, you know, totally loaded, you know, I would drink and I, I, I used to really just think that if other people could drink the way I drank, everyone would do it. You know, that it's like I had some power. And that I could, you know, some super skill or something that allowed me to, to drive a car better than people who don't even drink, you know, it's like, I just, I could stay between the lines, but, but even there, I mean, I, that was getting, you know, even that was getting more and more troubling. There was a time right before I came in that, uh, that we were up in Blue Ridge at a place for my birthday and a lot of people had come up and there were, you know, there's cocaine there, a lot of drinking. I had already been totally wasted. Somebody said something that just pissed me off. And I was like, you know, screw everyone. I'm out of here and jumped in my car and, and drove the next two hours home in a total blackout, leaving everyone, all my friends, you know, two hours away and celebrate my birthday. You know, just sitting at home in my bed, wondering what happened, you know, and it's like the level of darkness I feel like I descended into, especially during those, you know, those later years was something that, um, I mean, it's just, it's pretty amazing that I'm even here. You know, it's not like I thought I would, uh, off myself, but I was getting to the point where it's like, I didn't see any other way. That whole, like I'd seen the movie leaving Las Vegas and it's like, you just drink yourself to death, you know? And it's like, that's the end. It's going to be something, something along those lines. Cause I couldn't picture what life would be like without the drink. You know, it was like, um, I remember watching a friend's episode, you know, uh, fun Bobby. Remember that? Yeah. Yeah. So he was like fun Bobby. He's always drinking. And then he got sober. And then the next time he comes over, he's like, oh, I'm drunk. And I'm like, oh, I'm drunk. And they're all like, what happened to fun Bobby? And he was just like, I don't want to turn into that. You know, I don't want to be this miserable bloke. Just, you know, everyone's like, oh, he used to be a lot of fun. Um, and then I, I'd watch madman. I get a lot of my ideas, you know, I'm still making a ton of theories about what should work, but yeah, you just drink. That's what we do. We drink madman. It's like, you're drinking noon, you're drinking at night. Game of Thrones are always drinking after they have a big battle or something. It's like, you know, it was just, it's just something that I feel like, yeah. So I was cut. I was cut from a different cloth or something. That's probably the closest I ever came to thinking, uh, around the idea that I might, you know, be alcoholic, even though I wouldn't have called it that. I would, I'd say it's something that I was, uh, I was just different than everyone else. And, and, and the best of times I was okay with that difference. I'm like, you know, that's who I am. It's like, screw everybody. And then the next morning waking up with the, the, uh, the brain splitting, you know, hangovers and all, it was like the worst of like, I'm just different than everybody. I suck, you know, and I can't stand my life. I can't stand what I've done to my marriage, to the kids, all that stuff. Um, so at some point I started doing yoga. It was like, I was overweight. I was like stressed out, high blood pressure. I mean, my liver enzymes were off the chart, you know, and I remember I had, so I'd gone to the doctor and when the liver looked like it was really going to be a problem and it was, you know, no doubt that it was excessive drinking that was doing. And I'm like, well, I'm, I'll just, I'll stop. You know, I'm just going to stop this. It's silly. I'm just going to do that. Um, I'm not going to hurt myself to that extreme, you know, uh, place where I'm going to die. I got these two young kids. Um, so I, I did take a period of time where I started doing yoga all the time and, um, started feeling pretty good. You know, I started feeling much better, but, um, and so, yeah, I did that for a couple, for probably the longest I ever went in that way. It was probably like three months, I guess, you know, at that stage of my life when I was just trying to, you know, do yoga. Trying to find alternatives, like yoga and healthy eating. Um, and so, uh, yeah, something would happen. You'd go to a party or be probably the holidays, you know, it was like usually sometime around that, you know, towards the end of the year, I'd be like, I got to stop this. You know, this is just another year lost and I'm going to quit and I'm going to just, you know, take care of myself and exercise. Um, and then Christmas would come around and everyone be doing shots or eggnog. Um, my ex is from a Polish family, so they do a lot of shots. You know, you go to their house and it's the first thing they offer. You, when you walk in, it's the cherry, that cherry vodka stuff. And it's, it was always like, well, what did I, you know, it's the, the phenomenon of craving for me. It's like, well, what was I making such a big deal about, you know, like three months ago, it was like, I was like, look at how good I've been doing. I got this new strength. I got these new skills or whatever with yoga thing. I can, I'll just keep doing that. I'll drink from time to time. I'll, I'll be, I'll be normal, you know, and I'll drink like everyone else around me that looks normal. Um, but for me it wasn't normal. And. The idea of the, this disease becoming, you know, is progressive and it, it starts to take you down faster and faster each time, you know, I've learned through experience, not, you know, I've, when I read that in the book, it was like, why eyes wide open and, you know, in the doctor's opinion and other elements of, uh, just what this disease is. It was like, you know, mind blowing that it, I mean, of all the, my thinking that I'm like somehow the smart kind of calculating, theorizing, you know? Um, it took to the point where I had to throw all those theories away and be completely done, you know, before I, I really started living, you know, living the life that I feel is the true life that was caged inside, you know, that I was able to release. Um, so anyway, we started a yoga studio at some point during these on and off stages. I, I'd gone up to New York and I had, um, found a teacher up there and he was amazing. And I, uh, I became vegan. And I, I, I remember I went to a, the pizza in the pub was, uh, the place right across the street, pizza in a pint, I think, right across the street from, uh, where I was going to do my yoga training. And, um, so I had my last slice of cheese, you know, whatever pizza and my last beer. And I was like, yeah, that's it. I'm going to go, you know, I'm really going to dive deep into this, this thing. Cause I'd started to feel, you know, like I said, I was overweight and stressed out and I'd started to feel a certain type of, um, you know, just changes within me. And it, it turned out, I feel like partially to be the changes. It broke me at some point too. Um, but we started a yoga studio and, you know, you'd think that that would be an environment maybe where there's a lot of health around, but, but it's not, at least not when I'm running the place, you know, uh, the, the Friday night classes would be like the big sweaty. It's a big sweaty thing, you know, yoga, the hot yoga stuff. And then after the sweat all dried, like the small group of us that kind of, you know, we figured out we were the party group, you know, we'd break out the Molly and we'd do some. Drink a bunch of stuff and we'd go down to opera and all these clubs. And that was yoga for me, you know, for, for a while. And, and it, it was like, um, and it would turn into something just horrific, really, you know, thinking about it now, especially knowing that we're recording the times that I would do, uh, you know, I would drink. I, but, but this time I switched to just beer, but I would drink like six of them, you know, before noon. And then I'd have to teach a class in the afternoon. So I do a line just to bring me back to a normal. You know, and I'd go in, I'd teach a yoga class, you know, and I'm not proud of that at all. It's not like something that I'm, you know, I mean, the students, I mean, I feel a certain type of awful about it now thinking back, you know, just how, you know, I come in as a teacher and, you know, I come in trying to talk about something. And back then I was also just such an asshole about spirituality and other things, you know, like I thought I knew everything and I would quote all these quotes. And I, uh. I still teach now and I do absolutely none of that, you know, it's just the facts and we come in and we do some stuff, but, but in those years, and that was towards the end of my, my, my drinking, it was like, it was probably the worst and, and, and, you know, of both sides of me, you know, I feel like, so the way I, I meant, I meant yoga, you kind of got me to a place where I had to break is that it did clean up a little bit of the perception to my inside about where I want to be and what my intention is about how I want to live. Yeah. And the inside was a certain way and the outside was totally another way. And that was okay for a moment, you know, it worked for a while, but it kept getting further and further and further apart. And I, my, my theory about all of that is when the inside and the outside hold a certain distance, there's like an energy between that, that you have to fill in the blank on, you know, and the further and further and further and further it gets, there's just no amount of energy that can fill in that blank, you know? So at some point, you know, things fall apart. The center cannot hold, you know, everything collapses. And, and that's kind of what, you know, what I got to, I, it was August 3rd, 2014. Actually, a couple of days before I was, I was still, I mean, I, when I was drinking, I was, I was always like, I was, I had, I had a ability, especially with my ex to make her do what I wanted to do. So we went to Riju, you know, to drop me off. I think I was too drunk that first time for them to drop me off. I think they don't accept you. You're that drunk or something. So we bounced off of that. And then we went to Peachford the next day and she actually got me inside to Peachford. And I went to the nurse's station and said, I forgot something. I need to make a phone call. And I called her up. She was still in the parking lot. I was like, you have to get me out of here. It's crazy in here. It's just, it's nuts. So, and somehow I was already in. She wiped, she could have wiped her hands clean of that. But, but if you, she came back and got me and then, so then it was August 3rd. Finally, I was like, I'll just, and I was always saying, you know, I was like, just take me back to Riju. That'll be fine. I'll go to Riju at something. So as you can kind of tell, it wasn't, you know, it was partially, it was with her help and the help of the community around me too. There were people in the community who were saying, you know, you have a real problem and something's got to change. So, yeah, it was that kind of aid to like bring me in for the first time. So Riju, August 3rd, I told you before, August 4th. It was my sobriety date. I was in Riju, August 4th. I had come in August 3rd. I hadn't had anything to drink August 3rd, but I had my backpack with me and there was, you know, stuff in my backpack. And, and it was one, one pill, you know, of the Molly stuff from a couple of parties ago. And, and so I was in, they were doing the blood pressure and all of that on the next day. And, and I noticed they must have searched the backpack, but they, it had fallen and had fallen into the desk. So I reached down and when she turned around and picked it up and popped it in my mouth. So I spent August 4th, or August 3rd, rather, in Riju, you know, rolling. I even, I even met my psychiatrist that day and he went to tech and we were like, oh yeah, we talked about all these professors and stuff. And he's like, oh, I don't know if you'll need to be in here long. But I was like, I was really, I don't know, like a con artist, you know, I was very, very dishonest. And I was able to do that for a long period of time. I still have my journals for me. I'm from, from Ridgeview and, you know, despite all the kind of, I mean, it's funny now doing that, but at the time, I mean, I was really in intense pain. And I, I have the journal, it's all capital letters, all filling the line from top, top to bottom. I would journal every day and it was just page after page after page of those big block letters. August 4th, August 5th, August 6th. And then I don't know what happened, but the letters started to turn into normal writing. And a couple of ideas about that. I mean, there was an AA meeting brought into the Ridgeview. It was the first AA meeting that I'd ever really sat through. And it was people, you know, from a clubhouse, you know, I remember, I wish I did, which one came in. But they talked in a, in a way, kind of like, you know, I hear up here from, from speakers sometimes. They just talk about what their experiences were and, and sense of just being so different started to fade, you know, like. And I think that's, that's a real experience I had of the fellowship and, you know, in terms of like just hearing some of the message, you know, some of the, just that there's a solution started to creep in, you know, at that point as well. There was also one really good session with the Ridgeview people where they did the whole toilet bowl thing. I don't know if you've seen that, like, you know, you're spiraling down. I don't know how they described it. I wish I knew. But, but that also, that was in terms of the progression, you know, and just opening my idea, my eyes up that this, this thing is something that's perhaps a disease. You know, it was what I was starting to think. And there's something, and then I started to thank you and my dad, whenever we would go places, he'd always have a solo cup in the car filled with Roman Coke and we'd be driving around. And my grandfather, I don't know how many grandfathers do this, but he'd always bring a case of whiskey with him every time he'd come to visit the house. And, you know, they were con artists too, in a sense. I never knew it. I mean, they gave me a great childhood and something, you know, that looking back on, you know, I started to realize that there are, there would be signs, you know, that I could have paid attention to. Or, I look at it, you know, with my kids now, I keep a close eye on, you know, in the same sort of way. But, so yeah, I left Ridgeview and went to treatment. And I don't really think treatment's necessary, you know, to become sober. I think now knowing what I know, AA is, is enough for sure, you know. But for me, it was something I, it took me away from all of the stuff. And it was one of these places where you're in a jacuzzi and you're looking at the ocean and, you know, it's, it was really, it was, it was magical in a lot of ways, you know. And it was something, when I went out there, that's where we started going to meetings every day and, and really incredible meetings. It was in California. There was a, the first real, like, 60-minute meeting I ever went to, there was a guy named Richard Ellis telling his story. And I don't know if you know Curb Your Enthusiasm and those shows, but it was like a 45-minute stand-up, you know, session of him telling his story, you know. And it was like a packed room. You know, like some of the meetings around here and, and I just started to, to feel like a sense of identity more than anything else. Like there was a, a tribe around me, you know, a group of people, misfits or whatever that, that had a certain kind of crazy way of understanding what life is all about. And, and in a lot of time, in a lot of ways, there, it felt like they were seekers, you know, in, in certain elements of what they were doing, you know. And I just didn't know what I was seeking, you know, the whole time. I thought I was, I was seeking. I was seeking to fit in or seeking something of, of meaning. What my fifth step ended up revealing was that I have an issue with feeling like I don't want to be irrelevant. I don't want to just be this like third wheel in a group of friends or something, you know. I want to be relevant and front and center. So, yeah, it was like something like, I don't know, as I, as I started to feel more and more like this, the, the, the time went on. And I was starting to look at it. You know, kind of get further and further away from the last, that last binge. You know, something started to clear up in me and I started to, to see things a different way. The first week or so at, at the treatment center, we used to read page 84 every day on awakening. Let's think about the 24 hours ahead. And it took me like three or four days to realize they were reading the same thing every single day. Like we do at meetings, we read the same thing. And at first it's just, I'm not sure, you know, what's happening. And then it starts to, to, to gain a little bit of confidence. A little clarity. And, and it was, so that experience at 30, 28 days or whatever it was out there, it wasn't true. You know, AA, I didn't have a sponsor. I didn't, I hadn't started working any steps or anything like that. But it was a time where I had some opening and I was willing to hear. And, and it's really in, in that, that span of time, I feel like the first step became a part of my being. You know, that I really realized I was powerless over alcohol. And that my life had become unmanageable. And it wasn't just something that I was making a theory about. It's something I could feel. And it's, that's, that, I don't know if it was, I don't know, one of those days where I was just, I would wake up and meditate or look out at the beach. And, and it was just a, a moment where that sense of heavy fell for me. And I could feel that there was possibility and there was hope. And so the idea of what was I seeking, you know, started to enter in at that point. And I grew up Catholic, you know, I was raised Catholic. I was altar boy. My parents did the Eucharistic minister thing. And, and it was a big deal, you know, when I was little. And then I, at some age, 13, I think, said, I don't really want to go anymore. And it just kind of, you know, faded from my life. And then, like I said, I got into science and physics. And I was, I had this whole clockmaker, not clock, actually at that point I was, I was more of an atheist. But then I started to feel, at time, even before getting sober, the whole, like, clockmaker conception of what God is. So, but somehow becoming, becoming willing, you know, to let the light in, you know, was really what was that transformation that took me and kind of, I don't know, even the way I pray now, you know, it's not the way I thought of God, you know, back in the day where he's somewhere off somewhere and I'm sending him an email kind of thing, you know, with the prayer. I'm writing it down and shipping it off. You know, it's like when the book says God is everything or God is nothing, you know, I really believe that it's, it's everything. So in a sense, why, you know, do I have to feel different from and separate from anything in that sense? If, if I just polish the lens, you know, to let the light through. So when I pray, it's, it's kind of in that sense of, you know, remove self-pity, self-doubt, self-hatred, self in all forms, you know, self-seeking motives. Those are my types of, my types of prayers. And it's really what I have the ability to polish. You know, I can't polish world peace or something far, far away, but where the, where the interface is here, you know, what's blocking me, you know, and it's, if it's a fear, you know, remove that fear, you know, let it come through. You know, if it's, um, that's the self-critical voice, you know, I can remove that, you know, pray, pray to have that removed and, and start even having a little compassion for my own mind, you know, not thinking I am the thoughts that are coming out of the head. Because, you know, even with time and sobriety, those thoughts are still nuts half the time, you know, but I don't identify with them. I'm just like, there that is again, you know, and having done a, a, you know, fourth and a fifth step with a, a sponsor twice now, you know, uh, you know, I, I, it helps because it, it gives me even more clarity and more to know what to look for. You know, I know what my character defects are. I know where I'm most prone to be pulled in some direction, which takes. You know, my will back and makes me, you know, the same type of egomaniac or, or con artist that I would have been, you know, in the past. So I, all of that started to, to really make sense to me. And so when I came back, I was Mr. A for a whole year. I was like three meetings a day, sharing in every meeting I was doing the deal. And I was starting, I worked through the steps with my first sponsor, started sponsoring people and, and it all felt like I had come home, you know, and I was in the right place. Um, pick. I think that my one year chip copped some resentments, you know, in the meetings, one of the times I shared, somebody said something, I'm like, well, who do you think you are? So I didn't go back to that meeting and then took a while to go to another and find, you know, something else, uh, and then copped a resentment there. And, um, and I've heard it said, you know, it's like working the steps backwards. You know, when you do relapse, you know, you stop praying and meditating, you stop taking your own inventory, you, uh, you know, start, you know, character defects come back up. Yeah. You, you stop, start coughing resentments, you know, you take your will back, forget about God. And then for a moment you think maybe I'm not powerless, you know, and I can do something. And that's, you know, after, um, a year and a half of, uh, sobriety, a whole six months of disappearing from the rooms, uh, for no other reason than I thought I graduated. That's what happened. And I was in New York with a friend and, um, you know, I, I guess I got to a point where I was like, well, I can't drink, so I can't do that. But I don't know if, if cocaine was ever. My, my issue, you know, so she's got a line. We're going to go in the bathroom and do a line. Okay. Why not? I'm not, I'm not going to drink though. Okay. Um, so I did. And then a month went by and I didn't, Jekyll didn't come out of the closet and I was like, okay, that works, you know? Um, but, uh, I was still married at that point. Our relationship was pretty much in the toilet though. Um, for, for multiple reasons. I mean, my drinking was probably the biggest part of that destruction that took place, you know, uh, up until then. But she was all over the place. She was all over the place. She was also, you know, into her own things and people and stuff still in the same circles, still in the studio. But, um, but anyway, it was really, we were in a bad toxic sort of way and she went away on a weekend trip and I called a guy and, you know, got a delivery. And for the next, you know, three days I was just doing nothing but putting powdered alcohol up my nose, you know, and, and feeling like I was going to die the whole time. I had no fun those, those three days. I was just blowing. And I was, my goal, I guess, was to get to the end of this. This, um, eight ball, you know, that's my whole, that was my only purpose is what I, and it was, it was the return immediately back to the hell that I had been in, you know, prior to, I still hadn't had anything to drink. She came home and there was just a little bit left, but I was already by, I hadn't been, I hadn't slept in like three days. I flushed it with her watching and, and the fight got to the point where I was like, you know, I didn't think at, still at that point, I didn't think I was, um, I was, I still thought alcohol was going to be a problem for me, but I, I was just like, you know, F, F the world, you know, who cares? You know, I'm going to drink this tumbler full of whiskey and, and I pulled a glass up to an insane, obscene amount and downed it all in one, you know, one shot essentially. Ended up puking my guts out and, um, and then called my sponsor the next day and, and remembered what I'd forgotten. You know, that, that there was a group of people and there's a solution that was working so well for me and everything that had transpired up until that point, you know, after disappearing from the meeting for a while, um, it was just, you know, it was not the person I wanted to be. It was a dark, the dark place again, returning. And, um, so anyway, I got a new sponsor, worked the steps, you know, and, um, I started doing the deal. And I'm doing it in a much more humble sort of way. I think, you know, I was just showing up and whatever happens, happens, you know, if it's, if I can be a service, I'll be a service. Um, and it wasn't something where I needed to feel better than, or anything, you know, than the rest of the group. It was something where I wanted just to be a part of that. Um, and so, yeah, for the past, uh, two and a half years, that's the way I've been living. And I feel like I'm happier now than I've ever been. You know, ever, I've got an amazing girlfriend, uh, we, like she said, we met in yoga and, uh, but not, she wasn't a student in my class, but we keep each other honest, you know, you were, but yeah, uh, but we, um, yeah, we, we started talking because alcoholics, you know, we, we can identify each other sometimes out in the world too. And it's like, uh, kindred spirits. We have the same sort of goals and life things, and we want to be better and we want to help people. And she gives the best advice to me and to everyone out here talking to. On the phone. And, um, so, you know, we're living in a nice, steady sort of way, like in a happy sort of way, you know, it's been really a joy to, to have found a new relationship, you know, we're both, um, divorced and, you know, it was like a year after that, that we got together. So it was all good. Um, and yeah, and I got, uh, I sold the studio, still teach class a couple of times, um, a week. And, and then I started getting back into the. The software stuff that I had done originally. And, um, I don't know, it just feels like everything started coming together and, uh, I didn't know how I'd fill, you know, 50, 45 minutes, but it looks like, it looks like I did. So I'm sorry if, uh, I didn't hit sobriety right at the right time, but my first time doing it, um, next time I'll do better, you know, and get to the sobriety a little earlier so I can talk about more detail about working the steps. But it's been a pleasure. Thank you guys for having me. My bedside man. We just got a little bit better. Up in New York, we just give you a hook. So thank you. Um, we've asked Mary to hand out the chips. Hey, I'm Mary Lourdes. I'm an alcoholic. Thank you for your story. Thank you very much. The tribe, I've got a tribe to keep me sober. I'm grateful for them. Uh, so we're going to do the chips. I'm really terrible at this. It's like talk about having a resentment or whatever. When I moved to Atlanta and they did the chips everywhere. I kind of. I caught a resentment like you read about, but I came back anyway, in spite of myself. Thank God. So the first one is the white chip and that's just the most important. The only one that matters one day at a time, I'm not going to pick up a drink. Anyone for a white chip, anyone else for a white chip, silver chip, 30 days, red chip, 90 days. Yeah. Six months. Anyone else with six months? About nine months? Uh, years or multiples. Anybody? Thank God for the chips you have. Thank you. Thank you one and all for joining the blue chip speakers reading tonight.