Stop Mourning Your Wasted Years — Higher Power Doesn’t Waste Anything — Jane – Jane

Good morning, everyone. Janice and I have this ongoing joke because my name is Jane with an E and she calls me Jan without an E, but that's okay except there's a few other Jans in the room from time to time and I never know if she's talking to me or not sometimes. So when she'll call me up to speak or do something, I'm not sure and I wait and I hesitate. But it's all in good fun and again, my name is Jane and I am a recovered alcoholic and I am very happy to be here this morning in my right mind and good morning to all of you on this side of the world and good evening to all of you on the other side of the world. I had shared a while back we had a meeting I forget if it was a morning or an evening meeting and there were three of us that shared so I got, like Janice said, I got to tell her that I was a little bit of my story but this morning I understand I'll have a little bit more time to share with you what I used to be like what happened and what I'm like now and that's where I have really been meditating on what to share with you folk. So sit back and learn a little bit more about my journey it's been a very interesting one and as the world might put it a colorful one I used to regret my past very much but God has shown me how to not live in regret but live looking forward to the future and how I can help other people from my experiences in this life and that is my desire my only desire for ever sharing my testimony is that someone somewhere will realize that there's there's hope in me and there's hope in me and there's hope in me and there's hope for them that God is no respecter of persons and that he will help anyone who will call out to him. So I started out as a child I love that Bill Cosby joke and I grew up in upper New Jersey USA in an upper middle class home with two alcoholic parents my father of Italian descent and my father of Italian descent and my mother was a southerner from Mississippi she was Irish and Dutch we had a lot of wine and my Italian family is how home my grandparents were not alcoholics were not alcoholics, excuse me my father did become one my father was a musician and from the time he was 12 years old so he always played in club dates and bars and things and he always played in clubs and bars and things and my mom couldn't boil water when she got married she was a real southern belle spoiled and she met my dad when he was in the Air Force down in Texas and so it began and I can almost see the demise of my family from the get-go of the alcohol being involved and at that time in the 50s and early 60s it was very popular to drink and party and I have movies of my folks in our home having all the parties with their friends and very innocent looking very innocent and fun just having fun and as their marriage began to deteriorate my father my mother wanted to live in upper New Jersey and the homes at that time were more expensive and my father wanted better for us because he saw his family go through the depression so he started working two jobs to be able to support that and of course as you know never home and my mom as long as she wanted the home she also wanted my dad home so you know you can't have the best of everything so I grew up in a home where I had the best dresses in town and no family and people coming home drunk and beating each other and one of my fondest memories and I say that jokingly is my mother running into my room stark naked bleeding from the head and of course the police always coming and asking me what happened as a young girl and very shocking shocking things that no child should ever see and I swore to myself as a child I can remember saying I'll never do this to my children I'll never drink I'll never and of course fast forward a little bit when things started to really get bad in the home I became pregnant at 16 I really believe I did that subconsciously to get out of that hell that I was living because when things really started to to fall apart my parents used me more than my two brothers as a tool between them to to get their aggravation out not necessarily physical I've never really been beaten but just mentally another one of my fondest memories was we used to go to my grandparents and either on Saturday or Sunday and of course my mother had stopped going because of the the trouble in the home and my father would say get in the car come on we're going my mother would be sitting at the end of the couch telling us to get back upstairs and my father would be telling us to get in the car and the mental abuse as a child was just devastating trying to figure out who we're supposed to please so at a very young age I can look back and I became a people pleaser trying to find love trying to find out what love was all about and so I had I got pregnant at 16 and of course back then in the early mid 60s you didn't go like it is now go back to school and finish your education and grandma watched the baby or whatever you just you were shamed it was still a shame to be married or to be pregnant out of wedlock not married pregnant out of wedlock so I married my son Scott's father and and went on had him at I was barely 17 when I had him but for the first time in my life I I loved I loved that little boy and we were married for about 18 months and I had a very good man he was a very good man but I just didn't know what it was like to be treated good and I'd started drinking at that point we drank again just you know nominally if you might say and but I had never been out I'd never been out I can remember somebody saying this last night waiting for my parents I wasn't allowed to get out until my parents got home and they never came home so I was a captive in my house when I was a kid so now I was out and when I got out I went nuts I mean literally I just I was out and so I hurt this man very very much to my regret he was ready he was a little bit older I was 16 and he was 18 going on 19 and he was ready to be married in the white picket fence and the little boy beautiful little boy but I wasn't I wasn't prepared for life at all in any way shape or form so I just ran amuck and I hurt him desperately took his son from him unfortunately he became a heroin addict and he's now recovered from that but he is a bad alcoholic and I pray for him now till this day so we stayed friends but I was out running I was out running still trying to find love my Scott was my was my bond with love because I finally had someone that I could care for and cared for me at the age of two and a half excuse me and he developed a brain tumor and it about it about floored me I was 18 years old almost 19 years old and the only thing that I loved in the world there they were telling me because I looked at God doctors as God at that time that my son would not live to see school he would be dead before he was five I should go home and just prepare for that at that back then they didn't have the diagnostic equipment they have now they didn't have even a cat scan then if you can imagine how far we've come in our technology in a very short time so it was the first time in my whole entire life outside of saying any kind of repetitious prayer because I was raised as a Roman Catholic not a nominal Roman Catholic my grandmother loved the Lord my Italian grandma and so we were raised in a faith so to speak in a religion but it was the first time I'd ever talked to God I mean literally as I'm talking to you now and I can tell you it wasn't pretty I have since come to know that he has broad shoulders and he can take anything that we say and realize what's coming from our heart and so I put my fist in the air and I said you know if you want to hurt somebody hurt me because I believed back then that it was God that was dishing all this out and not my baby if you let him live I'll live my life any way I want any way you want and I didn't realize at that moment that I was making a promise to God um it was an angry promise but it was a promise nonetheless and I didn't I didn't even realize um how true it would come to come to pass um we life went on I was now a single parent looking to make a living I didn't want to see I didn't want to stay on any kind of welfare or anything I've always been kind of enterprising uh I started as a waitress and uh got a job got a car got an apartment and from waitressing there was a bar next door that the owner owned also and I was too young to attend bar so I became a dancer and back then again dancing I'm not making excuses for uh you know dancing now it was you know it was it was it was a little less lewd though we had beautiful costumes made and so I you know figured in my mind this was a good thing could make a lot of extra money so I became a dancer and uh I did that for a few years and of course the drinking got worse you're working in a bar situation in a bar attitude not feeling really good about myself but on on the other hand not feeling really bad but um getting involved more and more with alcohol um when my son had gotten diagnosed I he was in Columbia Presbyterian Hospital for oh mercy almost a month if I can remember back that far and I as you can imagine I wanted to be with him as much as I possibly could so I would go there at seven in the morning over to New York from New Jersey and uh I would be with him all day and then go to my gig or my dancing wherever I had to go whether it be in New York City or in New Jersey at nine o'clock at night and work till three o'clock in the morning and it became a vicious cycle I was living on three hours of sleep approximately sometimes none and one night um one of the band members uh said to me you look terrible and I did I was I was a wreck and I'll never forget he gave me this this this he gave me this little magic pill and I took that pill with the alcohol of course and um I never danced so well in my life and I was I was now finding the answer to all life's problems if I took pills to stay up um and took alcohol to go to sleep I could beat this thing I could do this with my son in the situation he was in so um everyone starts at a different point and the reasons that they start but then when the noose gets tighter and tighter around your neck you start to get dragged down that tunnel the Alice in Wonderland tunnel I call it and uh so I went on I went on with that uh scenario for quite a few years until I couldn't get these magical pills as readily as I did before and I did get off of them but continued now to drink them and drink even more and experiment with with harder alcohols and shots and doing all sorts of things that um just started spiraling everything else out of control so fast forward a little bit again um Scott did not die at five um he has since passed away at two thou in 2001 he was thirty-four not five so uh he didn't he didn't pass away at five and uh I uh was in and out of doctor's offices of course forever he had a very bad seizure disorder that they never could uh get straightened around so um we went on and I became a bartender as I got older and got of age I should say so I my life just went on it went on that way in the meantime I'd have another child when my son when they told me my son was gonna die before he was five I again thought no god you're not gonna do this to me you're not gonna take the only thing um out from under me that I love so I purposely set out to um to get pregnant again I was seeing a married man at the time and who was telling me always that he was gonna leave his wife I I think I believe if he's still alive he's still with her but I I made up my mind and told him I was going to to have another child and I did my daughter that's now 35 um I tell her all the time that she was the only planned child that I had um because I did I I deliberately had her for fear that if Scott was taken from my life I would totally collapse and uh she was a a lovely woman and I love her dearly but um again making wrong choices for what I thought were the right reasons and uh it's amazing the hurt that we place down in people because of our choices ungodly I call them ungodly choices because because out of ignorance out of not knowing the right way the right road and um so now I had two children and and a man that was promising me for years he was going to be my husband one day and I believed that and um became quite a people pleaser um so not too many years from that point I believe if I'm recalling correctly I'm trying to think well I guess it was a lot of years I was introduced to um to God not to AA but to God and I did sort of calm down my drinking I became more of a control drinker because again I said um I've always been enterprising I've always tried to take care of my family so I had to work so I really had to balance this um this drinking thing and I think I managed it pretty well for quite a while I uh rode along you know getting a little bit more sleep of course because my son wasn't in the hospital but it still was it still was not good it still was not good I was I was still empty inside and I and I couldn't figure out why I had my had my daughter now and my son was still here but just that emptiness lurked and it lurked um and I had been I had been raised in a neighborhood that there was a a a pastor evangelist actually at the other end of the street who I became very friendly with his daughter when we were young young young and I was allowed to go to them when you know my parents were home when they finally did show up if I could go to youth group I was allowed to go so I you know when I was a kid I was introduced to God in a manner of speaking didn't understand anything you know but was happy to be there it was like a haven to me I was a haven in their home they had a home that that ran like a home and I would go down there as a solace to get away from the hell that I was living so um in 1978 on February 5th I was in a bar of course I had gone down I had finished up my work in New Jersey and on it was a Saturday night and I would uh often go over to New York City after hours and drink until the wee hours of the morning and this particular night I went um to this after hours club and I saw this man standing at the dance floor and I went up you know he was kinda good looking kinda cute and I said he had a real long face on though and I looked at him and I said cheer up things are gonna get worse and he just laughed and um I didn't know that he'd had his spiritual awakening but he had been praying for a wife and God hadn't answered his prayer as quick as he'd like to so he thought he might come back to the bar and just look around well we sat in my car that morning and talked about God as I understand him and like I said as Janet said this is not a religious um meeting this is an AA meeting but this is my story and this is what happened and I um I gave my life to God on that night and not knowing where this journey was gonna take me so I came home that morning and went looking and realized 15 years had passed I went looking for this family that had once made some sense to me and I called up the church that we used to attend and I asked this lady there and I asked this lady that answered the phone and she said well that my friend was not her maiden name anymore that she had gotten married and I had a sinking feeling in my stomach as I thought maybe she'd moved away and I'd never be able to reach her and uh but she was there she was inside Teaching Sunday School and she uh she called me back and we began our friendship over again and one of the things that I learned through all that is that um no one can go back and make a brand new start but anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending and from that day on February 5th 1978 that's what I realized happened to me um I didn't go back and make a brand new start but I did start to make a brand new ending and of course that was in that was quite a few years ago so now I was on this journey um and with God and it was it was the first time in my life whole entire life that I was truly happy my son of course brought happiness to my life and my children bring happiness to my life but I found joy and I found true inner happiness and meeting this God that I had never understood as a child and I'm still to this day growing to understand and love and have fellowship with and relationship with ever since and ever will so I when I asked my friend I said you know what should I do should I you know stop drinking should I quit my I was working at the time in a very very plush beautiful restaurant in Patterson New Jersey um and actually the two owners two Greek ladies when they saw this um revelation happen in my life they wanted to know what it was all about so they came into a Bible study with us my friend and I so they were kind of understanding a little bit what the journey I was on but I didn't know what to do I mean I'm working in a nice restaurant serving alcohol at this point I'm not drinking um not I can't say not I might have slipped one in here and there but I wasn't drinking drinking and uh I was learning that you know God probably didn't want me doing that so I asked my friend you know I said Lynnie what should I do should I uh should I quit drinking should I quit smoking should I quit my bartending job she said well it's it's she said I've got a job I don't know I've got to make a living I have to get a policy I don't know I don't know I don't know and she said that's it so so I kind of kind of thought this was very that's what I was going to say I don't know that's a she said that's what I always think certainly mentor each other but when it comes right down to it he has a purpose and a plan for each individual person and he will he will lead you on that journey so she gave me very good advice and immediately when i took that advice things began to happen and uh there was a a priest actually in the restaurant that uh uh every time i turned around he had his glass out wanting another doers on the rocks i'll never forget it as long as i live and i just tried to stay away i tried to stay in the corner i tried to wash glasses i tried to do anything not to give him any more alcohol because there were these ladies there that were looking up to him and asking him questions and and at that point you know i i was reading um the other good book the big book isn't very important in my life but the other good book is where most of the principles came from and so i was just like i can't do this anymore i just can't do this anymore so i went up to my bosses and i told them i had to give my notice and they were like oh we understand we understand so i went back to working in a diner overnight uh making 125 dollars instead of perhaps 600 or so and uh in 1978 that was quite a bit of money and my mother lives in florida and i call her freaking out in florida because uh she's still looking for the verse that says god helps those who help themselves and that's not what it says it says trust him and he'll make your path straight so she's like what are you crazy you worked in a nice place why are you you're going nuts you're out off the wall you're holy roller what's the matter with you now you have to understand she lost her drinking buddy so it was um it was quite interesting where our paths took us but that's a story for another time but uh i met a man that uh was coming into the diner wanting to know why i was so happy all the time and i told him i had this spiritual awakening and i'd met um the god of my understanding who is jesus and uh i was on this this new path in my life well he said he wanted that excuse me so we began to study the word together and um we were married and i was i had my one my next daughter who is now just turned 30 and i think i was pregnant with my son they're 15 months apart and my husband said to me that he didn't want to do this anymore like the spiritual spiritual walk was just probably not for him and now he had stopped drinking also so by then of course or we wouldn't have been married and i i realize now that looking back i didn't leave it in god's hands i forced the issue um and you can't force anybody to do anything folks it's this doesn't work you can't twist anybody's arm to um have them do anything it's got to be a wanna many people have heard me say in these rooms you got to get your wanna going so again long story short um when he said that i realized now that a rug started to pull out from under me and i never knew up until very very recently what the term dry drunk meant and i had stopped drinking and i believe very very strongly not because i wanted to was because i thought that's what i should do and um that led me down a very long path or a few years anyway seemed like forever of struggling not to drink and trying to get my husband back on track with god so that we could begin this wonderful journey that had just taken place in my life but it didn't work it didn't work he harassed me and i didn't know he had never known me before when i was drinking i was not a nasty drunk i was pretty happy drunk but um i was a big joke teller and loved it loved entertaining people loved making people laugh and have a good time just searching for love and um and in all the wrong places of course so now i was this dry drunk if i can use that term because i now realize that's what i was and fighting fighting to pick up a drink but becoming very very angry and resentful and um i had people in my church handing me books on how to be the wife of a happy husband i didn't want him happy i wanted him dead i wanted him out of my life he was the sole contender of everything that was wrong now happening again here we go again down this um this tunnel or this train track with this tunnel with the light at the end and it's another train every time every time i looked there was another train so we moved up here in 1985 to upstate new york we bought a restaurant a small restaurant in a little town it was my mother-in-law and my husband and my sister-in-law my our four children and our dog and i prayed before i left a very strong church i was in down in new jersey oh god if it's not your will please close the doors oh god if it's not your will please close the doors well every door ran you know just flung open and we were up here in no time the deals went through we we found ourselves up here so now i was away from any um spiritual influence of my life in a new state in a new town without anyone um except god who i was kind of becoming angry with now again because my relationship was not on a on a true basis it was a it was a basis of works and trying to do the right thing trying not to drink trying not to smoke trying to do all those things again taking a a spiral downhill hill and um my husband asked our friends from new jersey to come up for our anniversary and this was uh in 1986 just a year after we got up here and i was telling him um that we didn't need that we we didn't need we had enough problems in our marriage we didn't need any coming up here but he insisted and we went to this little restaurant that's not too far from where i am right now and um they started in again how come you don't drink anymore how come you don't what's the matter with you why don't you get you know and i i'll never forget it again these these pillars in our in our lives these these stones that we can go back and pinpoint just where we were in our journey are very are very meaningful in our in our ceremonies i went up to the bar i don't remember what i ordered i have no idea but i ordered and it's almost like i could have turned around and seeing everybody in the room applaud yay she's come to her senses and um they were there was everybody was happy i wasn't this holy roller crazed person jesus freak anymore i was normal normal so to speak um so I was just disgusted with myself. And now, of course, my husband was like, well, she is. And I told him that he didn't know me before. He never met me when I was in my downward spiral with alcohol. So not too very long after, when I was drinking a gallon of wine every day, and he was like, whoa, whoa, put the brakes on. And I'll never forget telling him, in not a very nice language, don't ever blankety-blank tell me how much to drink ever. And that started my journey really spiraling downhill again. And I wound up, for a fast forward a little bit, not very much, because it only took a very short time to get to the place I was before. But the thing that got me before I went to rehab was my beautiful daughter that's now 35. My second baby that I told you about. She's very brilliant, and she was a straight-A student. She was starting to fail every subject. And I thank God that he used that to soften my heart, because I recognized I had started doing cocaine at that point. I was on a crash course to kill myself, and I realized it now. Back then, I really didn't, I don't think, consciously realize it. But the enemy had whispered in my ear that, that I was going to die. That I was going to die. That I was going to die. That I was going to die. That I was going to die. That I was going to die. That I was the problem. And if I was out of here, everybody's life would go on. I could never make anyone happy. I would, you know, I was just a, I was a mess. So, but my daughter, when I saw her life starting to deteriorate at 12 years old, I believe it was, it just, it just got to my heart, I realize now. Again, so many of these things are not conscious things, and I think everyone, or a lot of people in here can relate to that. And I think everyone, or a lot of people in here can relate to that. And I think everyone, or a lot of people in here can relate to that. We don't wake up in the morning and say, Oh, nice day. I think I'll become an alcoholic. Hmm, sounds like a good day to maybe get a divorce. No, these things chip away at us until, you know, we just get dragged down to the bottom. But I did realize I was in trouble, and especially with the cocaine now added to the alcohol, and I don't know how many people in here have ever gone down that road, but it definitely is the big lie. You can still work. You can still function. But you're, little by little, killing yourself and needing more and more of both alcohol and cocaine to make it through the day. So, I called my friend, again, 15 years later, and told her, I need help, I need a place. And I knew, I know now that God had me call her, because she wouldn't just pick a place. She would pray and investigate and find just the right place for her dear friend who was struggling. Oh, she had, of course, popped out of my life because she stayed on the straight and narrow. And that was, that was a very good thing for her to do. It's not a bad thing. So, I went to rehab, I went to a Christian rehab over by West Point. It's affiliated with Teen Challenge called Walter Hoving Home. It's for women, and there were 60 women there, and I was there for a year. And I, they asked you to submit, now it's a six-month or a year program, you have a choice. But back then, it was a year program. And I decided that I wanted to complete this program. I had never in my life completed anything besides childbirth, and I had no control over that. So, I've always been a good starter and never a good finisher. I'm still working on that, and it's a day-to-day thing, and, but I went, and I completed that. I completed the year there, and on coming out of there, I had, of course, not had a drink or a drug in a year. I gave up the cocaine. The cocaine was out of my life, but, you know, drinking is legal. Cocaine, marijuana use, all those other things are not legalized by our great country over here, but alcohol is legal when you're over 21. So, I did begin to drink. I started to drink. I started to drink. I started to drink. I started to drink again. I became a controlled drunk up until the day I stopped, actually. I would work again. I would, I never, in fact, in my last testimony, I think I shared with you folks that there was a lady in our town who was the mother of my son's best friend. I never really got to know her. She was the town drunk. She drank from 7 in the morning until 4 in the afternoon and went to bed. I started at 4 in the afternoon and drank from 7 in the morning. I didn't drink until midnight, and that was acceptable, and it still is to this day. You're not considered a drunk, a town drunk, if you go to work and you maintain your family to a certain degree. You're, you're okay. I wasn't okay. I was a wreck, and I had a chance to apologize to that dear woman before she died. I went to visit her on her deathbed in the hospital from cirrhosis and lung cancer. She was sick. She was 48 years old, and I apologized to her for having 15 years to be her friend and not doing that. So I made amends with her. They had told us when we left rehab that we should get involved in an AA program. I went, or an NA program. I went to one NA meeting, and I'll never forget that. There was a man that stood up and said, that, oh, we're all a bunch of druggies. That's all we'll ever be is a bunch of druggies, and he just continued on that realm. I guess you'd call him a dry, recovering drug addict. I don't know. There's got to be a term somewhere. There's a term for everything, and I walked out of that meeting and swore I'd never go back to another one, and I went to one other AA meeting with a dear friend of mine. She's very involved with Alcoholics Anonymous, and I worked with her up here in the diner. I worked in a diner up here for 15 years in Oneonta, New York, and I met my friend, and she took me to a meeting, and I enjoyed that meeting, but, again, I never got involved really in Alcoholics Anonymous until just a few years ago when I started doing, I got involved with a ministry in a jail ministry that they didn't need help with the Bible study at that point, but they needed help in leading an AA program. And from being an alcoholic, now at this point, I had stopped drinking. I had really been on my way now to regaining my trust in God and understanding who He is and His great love for me, and now that love was really sinking in that He wasn't the bad guy up there getting ready to drop the other shoe. He was a loving Heavenly Father, a loving God, and He was a loving Heavenly Father, and He was a loving Heavenly Father, and He was a loving Heavenly Father, and He was a loving Heavenly Father, and He wanted to make sense out of my life, and if I would let Him, He would do that. So I did start leading, with the help of about four other people, volunteers, this AA group of women, and met some very lovely people that I love very much in the sound of my voice that I got to know and really started to understand what Alcoholics Anonymous was all about. And I, to this day... I'm not involved with that particular ministry right now because I've moved. I've taken a job as a foster parent in a group home. I have teenagers. I'm 59 years old, and I adopted a little boy last year who just turned 12. And I am very thankful to have another chance in life, and I'm still making amends. I think we always will be making amends. I'm not trying to fix things because I understand the meaning of forgiveness, and I'm not trying to fix things because I understand the meaning of forgiveness. You ask forgiveness from someone, and if they receive that, they get the basketball, so to speak, and then they have to do with that what they need to do with that. But you're sort of free from the fact that you've done your best. I have an old saying that I say quite a bit, and you're probably tired of hearing it, but you can't unscramble eggs. You can't go back and get the yolks and the whites separated. But I have found that if you give God good ingredients, He makes great omelets, and that's what I do. And that's what I do. And that's what I do. And that's what I do. And that's what I do. And that's where I'm at in this stage of my life. I think my children are a little bit envious of the fact that Russell now, who's 12, is being raised the way a child should be raised, with a sober mother, one in her right mind. And I tell them, you know, I can't go back and do it over. If I could, I would. I'd give my right arm. But I used to beat myself up for quite a while. I did. And I remember crying. My kitchen. My kitchen door in my home that I was in. I'm in a state-run home right now. I work 24-7. But in my home in Wells Bridge, I remember my kitchen door being my little sanctuary. I would go there and talk to God and cry. And I remember telling Him, oh, those wasted years, those wasted years that I would sob and cry. And I remember one morning Him saying to me, would you stop that? I don't waste anything. If you'll let me use what you went through to help others. We can really go places. And I remember that day, things changing drastically. And I said, okay. And we've been on that journey ever since. I'm looking forward right now to starting a Bible study over here in this county jail. It's a different county. And I believe that God is going to open that door. And I'm going to be able to go in and hopefully lead another AA meeting in there. Most of the women in the jail system suffer from some type of substance abuse. And when they get out and they don't get into a meeting or get someplace where they can really get on their feet, they wind up in that vicious cycle again and wind up back incarcerated. And that's my passion. I found out through this journey that what you hate the most is what becomes your passion. And I hate alcohol. I hate families being torn apart by alcohol or other things. I love seeing restoration. I know that my God, my higher power, is a God of restoration. And there's nothing too difficult for Him, if you'll believe for it. And that's the journey that I'm on now. And I'm looking forward in the near future to opening a home for women coming out of jail. I thought it was prison, but I'm thinking that Papa wants me to start on the county level. And that's fine with me. He knows best. He sees the end from the beginning. So that's where I'm at. I'm looking at a home down in a town not too far from where I live. I'm right now. I've been asking why I've been working with these teenagers at my age. Because it's a challenge. But you know what? It's been a learning process to be able to prepare me for these women that are coming out of prison. Some of them have been in prison four years, five years, where their kids were little when they went in. And now they're teenagers. And to be able to help them and mentor them and teach them how to pick their battles. Because that's what I've done. I've been learning while I'm here. So there's a purpose and a plan for every step of our lives. And if we'll let God use those things to help other people, we can really make great omelets, folks. And I haven't been watching the clock, really. I've been really thankful for being able to share this little chapter in the book of Jane. I am writing a book right now. And it's... It's... It's interesting. I have... I have about three titles for three books that I know God wants me to write. But I have to get one done at a time. That's what I talked about before, learning to finish what I start. And I now have three grandchildren. Anthony is three. And Rocky is two. And David is six months. And another story, another book that I'll have to write was my little daughter, my youngest daughter, who became a heroin addict. And... She is now home. She was in prison, had my grandson in prison. And the miracles after miracles after miracles that God has done in that girl's life are incredible. But that's book number two. So I will say goodbye for now. I hope that my story has helped someone to realize that if we never give up and always keep searching for that relationship, with our higher power, I call him Papa because he is my Heavenly Father. He's the father that I never had. I never once remember my father telling me he loved me. He wrote it down in a couple of letters. But I never remember him putting his arms around me and telling me, I love you, baby. But I hear it every day now from my Heavenly Father. And that sustains me. My father has since passed in 1995. And I'll see him again one day. I believe that with all my heart. I have forgiven him and released him. As I have all my parents, my parents and people that hurt me in my past. I have released them. And I am free. And I love being free. So I thank you very much for allowing me to share what I used to be like, what happened, and what I'm like now. And I pray that you all have a good God day. Today's... Meeting day in our wonderful church that I go to. We hoot and holler. We make a lot of noise. We sing and shout and dance. We hear a good message. And it prepares me to go back out into the world again for a week and share what this wonderful God has done in my life. And especially with people that struggle with abuse, substance abuse, alcohol being the mainstay, and people that take other things to help ease the pain. And that's all. And that's what it does for a little bit. And it makes it worse. So I hope I've helped especially any newcomers here to stay on with this program. Stay on with the people here that are trying to help you or in your face-to-face meetings. Find a good mentor. Find a good sponsor. Someone that will love you and wrap their arms around you. Not baby you or enable you or try to do it for you. But to come alongside. And be a support. And there's one proverb that I love in the word. And that is the kisses of a friend. I'm sorry. The wounds of a friend are better than the kisses of an enemy. And sometimes you might get your feelings hurt by what someone might say or do. But they're really there to help, not to hurt you. So stick with it. You can do it. If I could do it, anybody can do it. And I tell women that all the time. If I could do it. Anyone can do it. So I'll turn this back over to you, Janice. And I thank you again. My name is Jane. And I'm a very, very, very hopeful and thankful recovered alcoholic.