Steps Six and Seven: Chipping Away the Parts That Are Not David — Mari G.

Thank you Larry. Once upon a time little boy, I would have had you holding at the moon. Think about it. My name is Mary and I am an alcoholic. And I am so very grateful to be here. I am so grateful to have been recovered from a hopeless condition of mind and body by this wonderful man. By this wonderful fellowship that is Alcoholics Anonymous. I am so very, very grateful that there have been steps that have enabled me to have a personality change until I'm a person that sometimes I feel good in myself. And I would like to thank Dick and Barbara so very much for everything that you put into this weekend. This is not an easy thing to arrange. Thank you. Thank you. This is a great life. This is a great legacy you've given. And I'd like to thank Lou who goes and gets all the groceries for us. Thank you, Lou. And I'd like to thank Lee. Good to see you again, Lee. Thank you for all you do. And all my wonderful favorite speakers here. I mean, I'm just so delighted. Life doesn't get any better than this. Thank you. So I am here to talk about steps six and seven. We're entirely ready to have God. Remember, we're not going to have a new life. We're going to have a new life. It's all about humility. And we're going to have to remove all our defects of character, which takes willingness, you know, and humbly ask him to remove our shortcomings. It's all willingness. And it's all humility. And these are the steps. According to Bill, step six, it separates the boys from the men. And when I first looked at these steps, I thought that it would never be possible for somebody like me to do these steps. I just never ever thought and you know Clancy said something to me yesterday that was very telling he said to me Mary it is a good thing that we have Alcoholics Anonymous and these 12 steps that change us because people like you and me would be using people and grifting for the rest of our lives and that is absolutely true I was not a nice person long before I drank I mean I just was not I don't know what happened to me you know I came from a wonderful Roman Catholic family my parents were such good my father had been a Franciscan monk and he left the monastery not for any woman or anything he left the monastery I think he had some sort of a dispute with the Roman Catholic Church and he went into the Second World War and then came out and met my mother got married so my father was a very spiritual man my mother was a wonderful lady never go out without her hat and her gloves she was President of the Union of Catholic Mothers I and my mother used to say I don't know where you came from now I have no idea what happened to me if anything happened to me all I know is this from I was six the first thing I stole was an apple and it went on from there to get bigger and bigger the first lie I told was when I was six in my recollection I remember them giving me admonitions about it and I remember when I was seven my family said she's going to make her Holy Communion soon that will mean that she will be a good girl on the day of my Holy Communion I stole somebody else's veil and you know in retrospect looking back over all these things I had done and all the great heartache I had caused because of my defects of character and my shortcomings I used to think maybe it's because I was born during the war all the food was rationed I didn't get enough sweets maybe I had a resentment and I acted out not true maybe it's because I always always always got the wrong stuff for Christmas always I never ever got the right stuff for Christmas and then I remembered the story about the scorpion and the frog you know that story the scorpion says to the frog can you take me across the river and the frog said I'm afraid you might sting me he said no I won't sting you I want to get across the river so the frog said okay so the scorpion jumped on the back of the frog and halfway across the river he stung the frog and as they were both drowning the frog said to the scorpion why did you do that and the scorpion said it's in my hand it's in my nature and I used to think that my defects were so deeply engraved in my nature that I would never be able to change I remember coming through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous I had had a slip and what that slip I'm not going to get into what happened there and whatever but what that did for me and showed me in stark reality was what a dreadful human being I really was because I was a person and I was a person because of the actions I had taken during that slip and I came in here wanting to change so much I was fired up you know when you're fired up I was fired up and I did a fourth and fifth when I was six weeks sober and I sat down with the fifth with a priest because at that time I didn't trust anybody yet plus I had a less than stellar motive I thought I'll dump all this stuff back where I think it belongs and he was a wonderful priest and he was such a spiritual man and he sat down and he pointed out to me I was in there for hours he pointed out to me the nature of my defects and my shortcomings he didn't have an answer as to why I had done all this work the things I had done long before I drank he didn't know what had warped my character perhaps I don't know all he told me to do he said go back and do what it says in the big book and I did and I ran home and I took down the big book and I followed the instructions here the first time and went on and knelt down and said the seven step prayer and then I was offed and running and I'll tell you I did not realize for a while that I wasn't doing it right I became what you would call an A.A. zealot they used to call me a fanatic they also used to call me Bill Wilson's granddaughter because I used to run around quoting Bill Wilson and telling groups that they weren't doing it right that that's not how they did it in Bill and Bob's days and people would be getting angry with me and chasing me out the meeting and I found that I was becoming a disruptive force even in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and then I sat down because I had I still had some burden of guilt I didn't understand it I had you know I had gone on a little way in A.A. I was going to meetings every day and I was doing really good and I was getting one two three four years of sobriety and everything was looking good and then I started again to get this burden of guilt and I didn't understand it I didn't understand why I was having it and then I began to act out and I began to act out in a way that my sponsor eventually had to take me because of my behavior and what happened for me was this that I had really had no concept of God I had done the third step, the seventh step without any true concept of God I was praying to whatever it was that was keeping me sober I had been an atheist when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous I had been an atheist when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous you just told me that if I take the action then I'll be okay and I was taking the action but really with the priest I hadn't sat down and got down to the true nature of my illness and I remember going to this old woman and I said to her you know she said to me Mary you've got a temper you're not behaving well and plus you're starting to have relationships and you shouldn't be having any and I said to her well I don't know if I've done all the changing I think I can do I've followed the steps I think I've changed I've done six and seven she said let me tell you how you change very simple she said you quit doing the things you don't like yourself for and you start doing the things you do like yourself for she said and if that doesn't work then you're going to have to go back and do another intensive six and seven and that's she told me another thing she said pride makes us artificial and I see something artificial in your behavior she said humility makes us real and I didn't understand what she was saying I didn't think I was pretending but then somebody else came and said to me like they were scratching me they said I'd like to see the real Mary stand up and I knew these people were going to be there and they were going to be there and they were going to be there and they were going to be there and I knew these people loved me so I got back to work again on the six and seven and what I found there was very very very I mean I was shocked I was so shocked when I did this you know I had been trying to escape from myself for a long time I had been trying to escape from myself before I drank I had been trying to escape from myself when I was living in Jamaica because I lived a life of hedonism I was trying to I don't know what this illness is but I don't think it's the alcohol that was killing me I think it was the unbearable unsheddable burden of self-consciousness and also the guilt for the behavior that I really couldn't seem to rid myself of and my mother from a very early age used to say to me you see you you see you you're about as dependable as a broken stick and she was right because I wanted no authority you know I kind of saw myself covered in blue paint with tartan on running through the highlands shouting freedom I didn't want anything around me that smacked a society society or disciplining of authority I didn't want it but you see this absolute burden of self becomes even more so when you are completely encased in bad behavior and you know it's bad behavior and you become suffocated by this bad behavior and you can't stop doing it because it's almost like it's nature it's natural I remember reading an American poet who died by her own hand of alcohol her name was she committed suicide she was an alcoholic and she was a woman who was a woman of color and she was a woman of color and she was a woman of color and she was a woman of color her name was Anne Sexton and she wrote once I have a body and I cannot escape from it I would like to fly out of my head but it's out of the question it is written in the tablet of human destiny that I am stuck here in this human form that being so I'd like to call attention to my problem I want to call attention to my problem why am I a bad girl why do people say I'm a bad seed why is it the first thing that comes into my mind to do is the wrong thing and not the right thing why is it the first thing that comes into my mind what is wrong with me and I'm in AA now and I've had a life do you remember the pictures of tsunami when I lived on my life when I came in here my life looked like the aftermath of a tsunami and I'm in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous I'm doing everything I've gone through the steps one more time and I'm still behaving badly I was maladjusted and it was going to take me a long time and you know what they told me they told me hey you do it time after time after time and you get better you get better you don't get better all at once you do this thing in increments and when I sat down with my sponsor she pointed out to me the great trifecta of my three Ms and the great trifecta of my three Ms was men and I was a woman and I was a man and I was a woman and I was a woman money and moving and in sobriety that was how I was coping with life she said to me Mary you are looking for the male version of a nurse and a purse she says the next horse you're betting on is that money is going to come out of heaven somewhere and I said no no And I said I said all I could ever buy is a single dollar but no money with the right prEuro注f You simply lose out on the chance that you have got money 1992 Sc涵 New world At the University of California The birthplace of 무 in structure I was about 12 million pounds and I didn't want nobody to pay and I felt would be a pain for my family but my Auckland list I could do okay but I'm unaugmentedторов I could think what I like, but I've got to act right. You know, sometimes that's not possible. There are times when people just don't treat you right. You know, they just need you to tell them that they're not behaving properly. And I did that. And I was told that I still had rage. I didn't think I had rage. I thought I had a little anger. Well, my sons used to call me napalm. I never physically abused my children, but I had this dreadful temper. And, you know, going through that and looking at these defects one more time, I realized something. Because she had told me. She told me to first of all do a fourth and fifth on rage. And when I looked at that and was asking God to remove it from me, I realized that my rage had two components. Well, it has its genesis in feelings of absolute and complete powerlessness. And the other thing is, when I let go of that rage, I get a feeling of omnipotence that happened when I once drank. Do you remember that great feeling when you just decide to let your temper go? Can you imagine all of us if I said to you, okay, for five minutes, I want you just to let go, those of you who will, and say everything that you've ever wanted to say, would there be a lot of silence because you're all spiritually fit? Or would there be some shouting and howling at the moon like the primal scream? I don't know. It was my inventory. And I was so distressed to see that I still had that in me. And I don't know. The other thing I had to look at, too, was the relationship I had had with my sons. And what that had done also and caused me. And what it had caused me was to feel very insecure. Because I had lost my children because of my alcoholism, and they were living in Jamaica. For 13 years, my sons had grown up without a mommy to kiss away the boo-boos. My little boy was only 16. He was only 17 when he was taken away. And I loved them so much. And I had such guilt about it. And what it did when I was with them is it brought up my worst defect, one of my worst defects. I was forever looking to them to give me more than they possibly could to let me know they forgave me. So I would harp on it a lot. I would talk about it a lot. And I shouldn't have done that. I was digging deeper than I had to go with them at that time. And in the end, it was my own insecurity, my own self-esteem. I had all these problems. And I had a great problem, too, with procrastination. Procrastination in life. I didn't want to work. I don't like work. And for a long time, I didn't like people. I like the people in Alcoholics Anonymous, but I don't feel safe out there. So for me to go out there and get to work is very, very difficult. And my sponsor has given me a challenge that's more than I can handle. And she said, you have to be self-supporting through your own contributions. You're not going to find a man to do it. And then she said to me, I don't want you coming and gossiping to me about so-and-so. Now, I love to gossip about so-and-so, because so-and-so has got everything I want. And what I realized, too, is unless I'm keeping in fit spiritual condition, she said, watch yourself. Watch when the thought about another person comes in and taking their inventory and being judgmental. These are all defects. And what I realized was this. I wake up in the morning, and before I've said my prayers and done my meditations, sometimes, the first thought that comes into my mind will be about Janie and how she's not treating her husband right. And I'm not even out of bed yet. And I can go from Janie to Lucinda and maybe spend an hour in bed extra thinking about them and how they're not living their life right. And I am doing absolutely nothing about mine. And these are shortcomings and defects of character that are very, very attractive to me if I don't keep working on myself. You know, I got married in Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you really want to see about your defects of character and your shortcomings, how they are, get married. Because here's what happens. You know, when you fall in love in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and you're beyond your peak, you're on your peacock feathers, you strut your stuff to each other. It's beautiful. Someone asks you to read how it works and your eyes flit across your crowded room. And I could just see him and I wandering off into the sunset under the circle in the triangle in heaven. With Bill and Bob just behind the triangle and Carl Jung slightly to the right. And you know, when I shared this with my sponsor, she said, don't get married, you're an emotional retard. And I knew she was. But I also knew she was jealous. I knew who she was. And I knew she was a woman. And I knew she was a woman. And I knew she was a woman. And I knew she was. But she loved me. I have had wonderful sponsorship. Anyway, what happens in the close intimacy of marriage if you hadn't had the necessary personality change and the shortcomings and the defects of character are still in there is that in close intimacy of marriage, one by one, the peacock feathers start dropping off. And in the end, all you have is the same two old turkeys sitting staring at one another. . . . In the end, the peacock had his pride. Remember that you have to have good relationships with someone. In order to have a good relationship with someone, you have to have at least got rid of most of your defects, I'm a hopeless, hopeless chronic alcoholic. I have lived on the street. I have lost everything of value in my life. I have been four years in and out of the mental institutions. I have been on all the lovely yum-yums, Librium, Valium, and all the lovely yum-yums. I have had all the medications. I know what it is to walk through the world completely anesthetized out of my mind with psychiatric medication. I desire, from a deep desire born of terror, bewilderment, frustration, and despair, born of an inability to live in society, born of an inability to feel at comfort, comfort with other human beings in the world, born of a need, a need to belong. You got the answer for me, and I don't seem to be getting it yet. What's going on with me? I couldn't go to any more meetings. How deep does this go? Is this a soul sickness? I don't know. I just know that I have to work a little intense, on some of the things that are going on with me. That marriage, what it showed me was that I have an inability. You know, I get married, and I love sex. Back then. Not anymore. Thank you, God. Thank you, God. I'm so free. I used to run after. That thing, man. I tell you. I would see a cute little boy, and I'm gone. And I was like Velcro. Him and I would be like Velcro. And then what would happen after about two months, because of my defects and my shortcomings, I would be three doors down, and I would hear him breathing. Did he always breathe like that? Did she also gulp when she's getting her soup? You know, something. And then I'm gone. Because, you see, because of my defects, I am unable to live comfortably with someone else. I know nothing about compromise. Nothing. And I think, Bob and Linda, do you have to compromise in a marriage? Yeah? Bummer. I know you do. And I know you have to know love. I don't know. I know what it is to love my boys. But I don't know that other love. And I've been married four times. I've been married four times. I know nothing about love of a man. I know nothing about intimacy. I know everything about sex. Because as my sponsor used to, as you point out to me, you never fell in love, you fell in lust. And I, you see, here's what happens to me. I will examine myself deeply. But because of my, as Bill Wilson said, alcoholics are the greatest rationalizers in the world. I will rationalize how I feel. And I can't seem to get beyond a certain layer. And it will stop at that layer for a little while, and I'll be stuck there, thinking, I'm okay. And then a situation will arise that breaks down another layer because I've messed up one more time. You see, this cannot be rushed. This is a process. And that is why we have these wonderful speakers we have with 40 and 50 years of sobriety still talking about what's going on with them. If I had had my way, I would never have worked. I would have it all. I would have it all. I would have all the money in the world. And I would have had no responsibility to anybody in my life. That had been how I wanted to live back then. Now, I was a bad human being before I drank. And then when I drank, I became one of the children of the night, as Bill Wilson used to call us, to survive. You can't survive in the street. You can't survive in the street without doing some of the things that I did. You can't survive out in the street without experiencing a lot of things. I know what the dark side is. I want the light. And I don't want any of this old behavior of mine anymore. I want it gone. Because, you see, alcoholism is a soul sickness. And alcoholism will take me into the depths of hell. And I don't want to be there. I want light. And the light comes through the 12 steps and the transformational experience. When I heard Barbara talking about chipping away the parts, I remember my sponsor telling me a long time ago, she said to me, the 12 steps, she said, you know when Michelangelo was carving the old statue of David? And somebody said to him, how did you carve that beautiful statue of David out of that old piece of marble? And Michelangelo said, I just chipped away the parts that weren't David. And that is what the steps is doing for me over time. So, in that marriage, I found out a lot about myself. I found out once more, one more time, my selfishness, my self-centeredness, my self-will run riot. I found out that I really have an inability to live at course quarters with anybody but my sons. And I am so grateful. And I am so grateful. to have learned that lesson. And what I also learned from it was the gift of compassion. Because when my husband had a stroke, I was able to take him home and look after him for five years, even though we were legally separated. And that was the most spiritual action I have ever done because it utterly and completely got me out of self. And my husband, John, was like a child. He couldn't speak again and he couldn't understand a spoken word. He had severe global aphasia. And he had been a brilliant, intelligent intellectual. And he couldn't read. And he had paralysis. And I would look at him and my heart would melt. And that was the great gift I was given in looking after John. And then when he died, I went on about my way and I went on working with other women. And the wonderful thing about working with other women is I begin to see what is going on with me too and the defects I still have because they will truly try my patience. You know, God certainly does under certain conditions remove our defects of character, but not all the time. And I have found that my defects of character will come out more and more if I am under emotional duress. You know, I remember when Clancy was sponsoring me. It was quite funny, really. I had gone back to Jamaica to make amends to the island. And my sponsor, my sponsor told me to do that. And, uh... My defects started coming back just before I left Toronto. And at that time, my sponsor was Rini, who died with 53 years sobriety. And Rini had taken me up to a lake the day before and I started to get... I used to have panic attacks. And I thought, one of my panic... I hadn't had one in sobriety. And I thought my panic attack was coming back. And I was getting into terrible fear and getting into a place where I'd isolated myself from God. I began to feel alone and completely isolated. And I said to her, Rini, I'm so afraid to go back to Jamaica. She said, God will be with you. If God guides, God provides. I said, well, I don't know. I'm just very afraid. I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm going back and straighten circumstances. My friends are all very wealthy. None of them will talk to me anymore because of the way I left. I'm going to be working. My pride was coming into it as well. And, uh... I said, I might end up drinking again. I might end up on the street. I was filled with fear. And she said, Mari, I've never lived on the street and I've never been in mental institutions, but Clancy has. She said, when you get to Jamaica, call Clancy. And I did. And he said, Mari, write me a little bit about your life. And he faxed it. At that time, it was faxing. And I did. I faxed it to him. And a few days later, the phone rang. He said, Mari, it's Clancy. I just read your letter. God. Read your letter. Tell me about your life. Someone has to tell you. It's very urgent. I said, what? He said, you really shouldn't drink. . Before my husband had a stroke, Clancy was sponsoring me. And... this is about how defects can come up if you're living an emotionally distraught situation. like me. So my husband and I were arguing all the time. And one day I was cutting a piece of roast beef. And he started on at me, grinding me. And I attacked him at nine years sobriety with a carving knife. I got on the phone and I called Clancy. He said, told you not to hang around knives. I know. And he told me a story about a guy. Sponsored. And this fellow had a lot of years of sobriety. And one day he was in the kitchen. His wife was grinding him. And his son had been over the day before with some beers. And the guy couldn't take the wife's shouting at him anymore, opened the fridge and drank a bottle of beer. After all those years of sobriety. So I know that I cannot be in those types of situations. I have to, I need peace, I need serenity. I need, I cannot be in turmoil. I do not do well anymore because I do not want to react in kind. Now, unfortunately I did it recently, as recently as last May. And that baffles me because I'm 28 years sober, I'm 29 now. But it's baffling to me. Some of this stuff is still in there, and I guess it will still be there it's little by little. 209 00 take a lifetime. What happened is I was working with this woman that God had put in my life to test my serenity level. And I had been working with her for four years and doing really well because she would take files and throw them at me. And rather than take up the file and wrap it around her face and pummel it the way I wanted to, I used to say to her, you shouldn't do that. You'll just excite yourself. Anyway, one morning I go in there and she starts riding me. And I realized before I went in the door, almost like before you take a drink, you slip, that I had an unconscious, at some place in my unconscious, I believe, I had decided that the day was the day if she got on me. I guess. So I went in and she started on at me. I went to the door to close it. I said, God, I'll see you when I get out. And I took her inventory from when she was birthed. And I lost it. I had rage I had not had since I had been sober and Alcoholics Anonymous. And I let out a nap woman. And she was sitting cowering in the chair, me with my straight mouth. Shameful. And she said to me, I think you should go home. You're not feeling well. I said to her, you go home. I've got work to do. And she left. And I knelt down and I asked God to forgive me. And I called my sponsor, Norma. My sponsor's Norma today. And I told her, she said, you're always staying in relationships past the expiry date. She said, I want you to go in tomorrow, make amends and give her a week's notice. And that's exactly what I did. I went in and I did it with grace. I worked again. One more time. My sponsor had me do rage. I have done two intensive fourths and fifths on rage. And I wonder how deep that thing goes. And I see no reason for it. Believe me, it did not come from my family. It did not come from being mistreated as a child. It comes from some sense of betrayal that I have that is possibly an imagined thing. I don't know. I have no idea. I know today that this, what I have had, well, let me just tell you this. When I was in the mental institution, in and out those four years, sometimes when I went, I would be in the fetal position because I am a depressive. I'm chronic depressive. Not anymore. Every now and then I feel it. But then I was a chronic depressive. I'd be in the fetal position. And there's other times I'd be taken in there because I had tried to kill somebody. Usually a husband. A husband. A husband. A husband. A husband. A husband. A husband. A husband. A husband. A husband. A husband. A husband. A husband. A husband. A husband. A husband. A husband. A husband. I do not think I'm fun girls. I'm not a fun girl. And I remember once the psychiatrist saying to me, we're going to send you for assertiveness therapy. I said, I don't need assertiveness therapy. I'm in here for trying to kill my husband. He said, that's aggressive. Alcoholics do not have enough self-esteem to be assertive. I said how do you get self-esteem he said you get self-esteem from doing something of value in life that's how you get self-esteem you get self-esteem from behaving well in society which you don't seem to be capable of doing he said do you realize the trouble you've caused in here for four years do you realize what you've put people through he said do you realize that one of the times you were in here your mother was lying dying do you remember all that she's in Scotland dying of ovarian cancer you're in here he said I am convinced today that you do have what I'm going to write to the court to keep you out of prison you are a chronic alcoholic you do have beyond a shadow of a doubt in my team an abnormal personality you are a depressive you are all of those things he said but your main problem is an inability to live with people in the world with any degree of comfort and grace and unless you go to Alcoholics Anonymous who are going to train you and how to do that and you start having a deep look at yourself with consciousness there's nothing anybody else can do for you you will go on as it said in the book seeking oblivion to the end my problem is not alcohol my problem is a personality a personality that I have molded and shaped me to be a personality that I have molded and shaped me to be shaped by the actions I've taken in the world and with my behavior Thomas Merton said something once that I just love and I've got it here he said in the last analysis the individual person is responsible for living his or her own life if he persists in shifting this responsibility to somebody else he fails to find out the meaning of his own existence which is essentially what this book is about which is essentially what this book is about the meaning of my existence I was dependent I used to go to men to look after me if I couldn't find a man I would find somebody to look after me that I could live with my natural habitat is Disney World I'd like to be sitting on somebody's knee just sucking my thumb and letting them look after me for the rest of my life so here I am now and I'm not a man but I was once engulfed in the great cloud of unknowing you know the great cloud of unknowing that's how I first came in I didn't know God I was engulfed in this pink cloud of unknowing I just knew something tremendous had happened and that my alcohol and the desire to destroy myself that had been taken away from me I did not realize that this is a lifelong job that I am going to be doing here it doesn't go into a lot of detail as you know in the big book it looks like a very short chapter when you look in here between the two of us six and seven there's literally nothing before we say the prayer my creator I am now willing that you should have all of me good and bad that is an enormous prayer there is no other religion in the world that has a similar prayer that says I am now willing that you should have all of me good and bad that's an amazing terminology there it's saying God's going to accept me no matter how I am God loves me just the way I am but he loves me too much to let me stay that way Lee how much time do I have? I don't need all that so I'll just tell you quickly how I go over some of my stuff I used to be a thief I am no longer a thief God that has been relieved from me even the desire has been relieved from me but I remember I was eight years sober and I thought I was really holier than thou you know how we get we've become spiritual I was a very spiritual giant at that time eight years sobriety and I am in a supermarket one day and I want to buy a cantaloupe and I look at the cantaloupe it's near 250 and I said I'm not paying 250 for a cantaloupe so I go and check it out and I go and check it out and I go and check it out and at the bottom of the counter is a cantaloupe and a paper bag I said to myself it must be God so I take the cantaloupe home and I eat it I had $40 in an envelope for a girl's ticket and I couldn't find it anywhere this is the cloud of unknowing for me the God of my understanding at the time God God God the cantaloupe was only 250 where's my $40 I had two sleepless nights over a cantaloupe and I called my sponsor and I told her what I did she said you have to take back the cantaloupe where's the cantaloupe I said I ate it she said you've got to go back and make amends and I said I'm not going to do that I said I'm going to go back So I went back to the grocery store and I said, I always lie when I'm trying to be honest. I said, I inadvertently took a cantaloupe. But I'd like to pay for it. He said, where's the cantaloupe? I said, I ate it. He said, if you don't have the merchandise, we can't take the money. But we really appreciate your honesty. There should be more people like you in the world. I wanted people to say that about me all the time. The other thing that happened to me recently. In fact, it was. Actually, I was with Clancy and Johnny H. They showed me another one of my defects. I'd been with Clancy and Johnny H. in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. And it had been wonderful. It was one of those spiritually uplifting weekends. And I'm walking through the airport. My feet aren't touching the ground. I'm spiritually reborn. There's not even a fourth and fifth dimension. There's a sixth. I will never be angry again. I will never shout at my sponsees, little darlings. I will be a good girl. Always. And I get on the plane. And there's a lot of turbulence. And suddenly my great spiritual condition starts to go down a peg or two. And the woman next to me. I said to her, there's a lot more turbulence than usual. She said, you're safer in the air than you are driving. I said, not me, I'm not. Spirituality has all but gone. I decided to tell her what a good driver I was. And don't judge me. I'm safer when I'm driving. When I'm in control. It was not a good flight. God's gone. I'm in the pilot cabin on a psychic level. And then I get out and I have to drive back to Wasaga Beach. At this time I was living two hours outside of Ontario. It is now about coming up for 1 a.m. I live away in the country. There's a mist so I can hardly see in front of me. I'm driving a little bit at a time with these big headlights. And I finally get in. I get into my place at quarter to three in the morning. There's nothing left of spirituality. Clancy who? Johnny who? It's me. And now look what's happened to me from giving service. And they don't appreciate me. It's quarter to three in the morning. I lived in a gated community. So. I go into the gated community and we had mailboxes. And I decide I'm going to check the mailboxes. Because I'm out of my mind by this time. There's nothing left of common sense. You know my family when I was growing up they used to say. Brains to burn and not a drop of common sense. She doesn't have a drop of common sense. Her head's wasted. So anyway I have no common sense. Thinking maybe I'm tired. I should go home. Whatever. So I drive in there. And I suddenly feel something touch the side of my car. Now I live in the country and I think it's a deer. So I go to put my foot in the brake. And instead I hit the accelerator. I go into the mailboxes. Three. You think that's funny? All these mailboxes. A hundred of them. They all sit under this wooden thing. And I come down on my car. And all the mailboxes. And I'm in shock. And my first thought is not God help me. Get out of here quick before they notice you. Now I have left Eau Claire. More spiritual than the greatest prophet. Now I'm at the bottom of the barrel. Engaging in behavior one more time. But I'm going to run away from the stuff I did. And not accept the consequences of my actions. I drive to my house. It's got one of those garages that go up. I go in. Close the door. Phew. Go and peek out the window. And then God said. You have to go back and make amends. Huh? You see. I have worked long enough on this thing. That the consciousness of the presence of God. Really overrides it. Something else might come in for a minute. But the consciousness of the presence of God. Will make me look at these old defects. And fix them immediately. So I called Dave C. He's an AA member. He lived two doors down. And I told him what happened. And he said I'll walk over with you Mary. And we walked over. And when we walked over. All the neighbors were out in their house coats. They're all around the mailboxes. And as we approached their shelter. They were shouting. They were shouting. They were shouting. They were shouting. They were shouting. They were shouting. They were shouting. They were shouting. It must have been a drunk. Drunken behavior. You know. I'm not going to get into. Everything it puts in here. In the 12 and 12. But I have found this to be. Such an invaluable thing for me. I love it. Because it. It has. It helps me to get. The reason Bill wrote it. To get deeper. Into this personality. And the flaws that caused me to drink. In the first place. And that drove me there. You know he says in here. In step seven. The chief activator of our defects. Has been self-centered fear. Primarily fear. That we would lose something. We already possessed. Or we failed to get something. We demanded. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands. We were in a state of continual disturbance. And frustration. Therefore no peace was to be had. Unless we could find a means of reducing these demands. And we have all the tools to do it. And everything we need to know. Is right in here. I know this today. More than ever. That without God. I am truly nothing. That I have been recovered. From a seriously hopeless condition. Of mind and body and soul. That I have been given the ability. To look and to transform. And to be in the woman that I know. My mom wanted me to be. My mother despaired of me. And yet loved me so much. Before she died. I stopped drinking for a week or two. And went over there. Filled with all kind of medication. Because I knew she was dying. And I sat down beside her. And there was not much of her left. She said. Where have you been? We never know how to get you. Where you've been? Where are the children? I'll never see my grandchildren again. She said. I said. Mom. I'm so happy about my brother. My brother has been such a good son to you. I have one wonderful son. I have a wonderful brother. She said to me. Aye lassie. But you're a good girl. You've just been born before your time. She said. Your father said to me. That day before he went. My father went out. One morning at three in the morning. Because he didn't know where I was. And dropped dead in the street. With a heart attack. He said. Your father said to me. That last night. My father said. My father said. My father said. My father said. My mother said to him. She's broken herself more. She's broken her own heart more. And that's the love of my mother. Now my children today. My sons. They came back to me. And we live together. And now they're married. And my. I'll finish with this. My son. My eldest son. Had a lot of trouble. With defects of character. Much like mine. Wasn't an alcoholic. But had all the shortcomings. And the defects of character. And he had the rage. That prevented him. From being able to work. With anybody for a long time. And I'm not going to get into it all. But at age 40. He had a kind of meltdown. I managed to help him. And he's been implementing the 12 steps in his life. And he's been working for five years. And doing fantastically well. And he went and saw his father in Jamaica. And his father. His father was asking him about my alcoholism. And he said. Daddy. I used to look in my mother's eyes. And there was nobody there. He said. What has happened to my mother. Is nothing less than transformational. And that is what happens to us. Through the working of these steps. We become transformed. I have become transformed. And as long as I keep in fit spiritual condition. And not only. Has it made me a better. I'm not the woman I want to be. But I'm getting there. I'm not the woman I used to be. Thank God. But you know. It will take a lifetime. To be the person. That I hope one day. I can say. I have done the very best. I can say it today. I've done the very best I can. But not only has it transformed the personality. Which is six and seven. Appendix two in the big books. This is a spiritual awakenings. A change of personality. The personality is encapsulated in six and seven. The defects. That's what makes us. I was one walking defect when I came in here. That was my personality. But what also has happened to me. Is that I am no longer insane. I haven't had psychiatric medication since the 10th of August 1984. I'm not judging anybody. I'm just saying that's my story. And I am able to live at some degree of peace and comfort. With myself. I really don't have much else to say. I am just one very very grateful alcoholic. And if you do. You know you will see in your life too. Over and over again. The steps six and seven. Are the absolute. Without them. They're sitting right in the middle. It's almost like if you have a bill. An edifice. You know they say that you've got to. Be good in the base. And you certainly do. If you don't have a good structure. It's going to collapse. No matter what you build on top of it. But if the middle part is not good. The same thing is going to happen. It's going to implode on itself. And after having gone through the steps. And then finding too. There was so much more wrong with me. I know that to be true. So I want to thank you so much for being here. I want to thank Alcoholics Anonymous. For everything it's given me. The defect is from a Latin word called. It means fail. And I was a failed human being. You gave me the opposite. You gave me a way to make a success of my life. For my children. For society. For the world. I'm also good with my parents. My aunts. My family in Scotland. They still think I'm a little weird. I was home. And my old aunties. The one that came and took me off the street. I was home in October. And they said to me. Has that AA found out what's wrong with you yet? Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.