Steps 4 and 5 – Sandy B.

Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a sober sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. Good morning, everybody. My name is Sandy Beach and I'm an alcoholic. How are you all doing? Well, it's a pleasure to be here this morning having been part of this wonderful convention. I've enjoyed all the speakers and sitting in the hospitality room just visiting with people who come up and share their stories. And it's just wonderful. We're so lucky to have something like this. And Las Vegas is, I think I've been to three of these. And they're always very, very high energy, high spirituality. And you can tell that it must be a lot of fun to live here and to go to AA in Las Vegas. I mean, you can just tell it. And that's great. You know, Clancy talks about there's pockets of enthusiasm around the country. And if you travel around, you're going to know what I'm saying. It ain't all exciting. There are still places where old-timers get up and go, sobriety is a very tough road. I have been sober for 20 years and their teeth are gritting. And you just go, lighten up, lightens up, man. But, so that's, it's just so nice and I'm very grateful and I was very moved by the remembrance of those that have passed on. You really hit the magic formula. Just have music and show the pictures. It was so moving. Even if you didn't know the people, you could just sense that it was, wow. Wow. It's just, it's far superior to having somebody say something about each other. The music said it all. I'm telling you that. It was just coming here watching it. It was just wonderful. I am going to suggest to our Tampa Fall Roundup that we do that. Never saw it before and I think you guys have hit on a great one. As a matter of fact, it made me You think of my friend Hal Marley, who passed away about two and a half years ago. He and I got sober the same year. And when I was up last week in Washington, D.C., we're still celebrating his anniversary because it's a chance for the old timers to get together in the National Cathedral. And, you know, so it was his 40th anniversary. There's three of us got sober in 64, and I'm the baby. I get my 40 years in a week. and so he we just had more fun reminiscing and all the old-timers showed up so there is some value in preserving some of the memories and I'm glad we do that you know they say it principles before personalities I agree with that but without the personalities we've had I don't know where the heck would be I mean you'd go all the way around the country you're gonna find there There are personalities that are really shaping the AA in the areas that you go to, and you're really glad for them. And at least I am. I just think it's wonderful to see that. Let's see. Again, I'm totally disjointed, so don't worry. We'll get through it. but I got sober on December 7, 1964 in the Washington, D.C. area. I was in the United States Marine Corps. I was making a career out of being a Marine fighter pilot, and I was on a little detour at the time. I was sitting in the nut ward of the Bethesda Naval Hospital, And they hadn't let me fly in two and a half years because I turned myself in after trying to fly during alcoholic withdrawal for three or four years. And it was very, very frightening because I would get in the plane and these were very high performance jets. And I would Get in the Plane and, you know, I hadn't had a drink in 12 hours. And you get near the end of your drinking and that's a bad time to do anything because your shakes are coming on. I mean, everything is starting to get at its worst and you're climbing into an airplane. plane. And so I got in there and I would just, my heart's racing and I'm sweating and can't see too well. And I'm trying to get all this stuff and things are happening fast. And I remember flying a photo mission and it was during the Cuban Missile Crisis. We weren't going down to Cuba, but we were practicing in case they needed more of us down there. And I'm out flying, and I know I'm going to pass out because I just know I am. And there isn't anything in the chance fought who built the F-8 Crusader. They had a handbook, and there was no paragraph of flying the Crusader during alcoholic blackouts. I mean withdrawals, not blackouts, withdrawals. And so you're left to your own devices. And I'm sure there's a lot of professions out here, and you encountered problems that you weren't trained for. You know what I mean? Because they never dreamed that anyone would be in that kind of a situation. I remember hearing a speaker who was a doctor. He came out of a blackout during surgery and didn't know what procedure he was doing and was trying to have a conversation with the nurses and other doctors to draw it out of them as to what was going on. And I'm sure that wasn't covered in medical school. And so my solution, and the funny thing was I felt just terrified with this new problem that I had. And then I started thinking, and I said, well, I could fly this mission with one hand, all the controls are on the stick for the cameras, and then I could have the other hand on the ejection seat and I would get a death grip on the ejection sheet, apply the mission and if I pass out I'll pull the seat and I'll go out and the chute will open automatically at 10,000 feet and the plane will crash and I will be fine and there was in the middle of all the panic was this smugness You know what I mean? Like, well, they almost had the old fox, but he figured his way out of this one too. You know, there was sort of a, it's that sort of inferiority superiority all at the same time. You know? Here I am. It's awful. But I figured my way out if it, so I must be all right. And that led me to go to the doctors and the doctors agreed I had a problem and they sent me down to be examined. I was there for two weeks. This is in the early 60s, and the Navy did not have alcoholism as something anybody could have. So you had to be mentally or something, but there was no such thing as alcoholism as a diagnosis. So now I'm with all these doctors, and they're looking at me and going, well, what's wrong with this guy? And so I'm going to the dentist to see if my teeth could be affecting. And then I'm going to the heart doctor. I'm gone to all the different doctors. And, you know, when I look back on it, it really is hysterical that the medical profession could be doing this charade, but they were. And they're just looking at me and going, well, let's see. The guy's hands are shaking. His eyes are bloodshot. He's very disoriented, high blood pressure, lost a lot of weight. And he's very confused and disoriented. And he reeks of alcohol all the time. Let's see what's going on. This is, what could it be? What could it mean? And God, I would come in terrified every morning. I'd get drunk as hell at night to just get through this. And then I'd come in in the morning and I'd be sitting there like a guinea pig, sweating, just sweating. I remember just sweating, my uniform just would be soaked. And one day I went in and they had gotten an old AD Sky Raider. It's a propeller plane, and they had taken a chair just like the ones you're sitting on and bolted it into this thing. And they had hooked up all these machines and wires, and then they put me in it and hooked up All This Stuff and then took the plane up and went through all these things to see if they could recreate what was causing my problems. So that shows you it was the dark ages in terms of military medicine. And I got down, and I don't know why I'm starting this part of my story, but I like it. And at the end of the two weeks, they left it up to the psychiatrist to write the evaluation. And he wrote the evaluation that this man, who's been flying for 12 1⁄2 years, should no longer fly because he has childhood fear of flying. that just showed up. And I knew that wasn't true, but I didn't know how to fight it. You know when there's nothing left inside? You just don't have any way of dealing with anything. So I just went, well, okay, you know. God, and it killed me. That's who I was. It was my whole identity. And I went back to Cherry Point, North Carolina and waited. It took about three months because I had gotten a regular commission, and this was my career. I had joined during the Korean War draft thing. The war ended, but I wanted to make a career. I loved it, and I had six kids. I'd gotten married. I had sixth little kids, and we had been all over the country, and i've been to Japan. And so the Marine Corps had to give me a new specialty. team. And it took about three months and I got orders to become an air traffic controller. And so you could see that the insanity was everywhere, not just the medical profession but the headquarters. And so somehow I made it through air traffic control school, which which is a very hard school, and my last year of drinking, I went back to Japan in charge of an air traffic control unit bringing planes in in bad weather when they can't see the runway. So this is the insanity of the whole situation. And I was very lucky when I checked in over there. The senior enlisted man, they run everything anyway, took one look at me and said, Captain, good to have you here in that Iwakuni, and here's the tents and this is all the thing and there's your chair and coffee. Sir, don't you personally control any planes? And I went, you got my word on that. And so now without the 12 hours, without drinking prior to flying, I just drank all the time. And during that year, I lost 50 pounds due to malnutrition. I stopped hanging out with my drinking buddies they were all going over to just get drunk and I didn't want to go with them I just stayed alone this weird stuff is setting in and I couldn't eat so I drank a lot of vodka and one of the guys in my Quonset hut was the special weapons guy and he brought a 5 gallon can in one time to the Quonset Hut area. And we all said, let's try drinking grain alcohol. It just made everybody so drunk and sick that nobody else drank it. And the can sat in his room. And when I would run out of vodka, I would go over and just sip a little. And at the end of that year, that can was empty. You know what I mean? Just sipping. Just when you're out of vodka or whatever, I'd just go in and take a little bit. Well, I must have been taking more than I thought, but I didn't know that whole thing was gone. And I tried to subsist on soup or juice. Some meals were like vodka and juice, and that was the thing. So I'm getting thin. I got a photo of myself. I just looked. I turned sideways. You can't even see me. And I'm trying to go to work. I mean, you know, it's like everybody's pretending that I'm okay. Yeah, here he is. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And later on, I had friends of mine, fellow officers in the squadron I was in after I got sober in AA and I was in Washington, D.C., and God, we got to reunite. There was four of them. And they all said, they said, we knew you were dying, but there wasn't anything we could do. And I remember thinking about that. What a strange disease. Disease. I mean, Marines go back into hostile territory to make sure a dead Marine doesn't stay there. I mean that's their code and these three guys are saying we knew you were dying but there wasn't anything we could do about it. That's what alcoholism had done and that's how powerful a disease it was. we've come a long way in society in making sure that in most instances that doesn't happen but that was what was going on and I somehow made it back to Quantico to go to a career school in Virginia to get promoted to some higher rank, I mean all this illusion was going one and yet anybody close to me knew that this man was not long for the world and I lived off off the base, and this is getting right near the end. And I drove in the gate, went up to the school complex, which was probably four large brick buildings, and they were gone. I said, my God, the school is gone. So I went back down to the main gate to report this. I was hallucinating. So I go down and I go, Corporal, junior school is gone. He said, sir? I said, junior school is going. I just was up there. Oh my God. So he got the car with the siren and the thing. He says, follow me me, Captain. So I went up in my car. It was back. And he came over, you know, and I could still see the look on his face when I said to him, it's back. Wouldn't you have liked I liked to be in that guardhouse when he got back to tell his fellow Marines about this captain that just took him up to junior school. And in that school, I just stood up one day to ask a question and had a ground-mouse seizure and bit my tongue, and they got an ambulance, and I went to the hospital. I was there for five days while they're studying what could have caused this seizure. and five days without alcohol. I'd never gone five days without alcohol in years and years and I went to the DTs and saw things that were very, very frightening. They thought I had killed this admiral in the next room and they were trying to get me and they Were going to put me away forever because my memory was gone. This is all I'm imagining but it's incredibly real and I even took notes notes during this because i saw they were framing me and i wanted to have um evidence i could see a court-martial coming and i was getting stuff from my counsel and it all seemed to stem out of the fact anybody that's gone into a mental institution almost universally in order to see how well you're doing they ask you a very simple question they go So would you mind counting backwards from 100 by sevens? No, I see heads nodding all over the room. Yeah. And you go 93 and you can't go any further. Your mind isn't capable of doing that advanced math and they can tell that you're really in. So I thought they were testing me on that and I couldn't do it. You know, they'd come in and I'd go, So, you know, I tried to do it on my fingers. You know, 93, 92, 91, 91 or 93, 93. It was way beyond anything I could do. So they had me and I was trapped. And so the memory tests were, they'd ask me what was out in the hall. I wanted a different test. I don't want to do that seven test. That's, I don'T want a different task. All right. All right, so they got three more doctors and they came And this is all as real as you are today. And they said, what's out in the hall here? So I went out and there was the corpsman down at the end. There was three elevators. There was chairs, magazine racks. There was nine rooms for patients. And they say, we'll be back in ten minutes. So I sat on my bed memorizing. The corpsman, elevator, you know. And then they came back and they said what's up there? And I told them. I had it down pat. And they're all shaking their head and I ran out the door. It was a photo lab. They had moved the walls somehow like on Mission Impossible, you know those things where they drive people crazy? And I'm going, how did you do that? And they said, how do we do what? This is a photo web. So they started with the handcuffs and I said, one more test. They said, well, memorize the photo lab so I went out and I was in a photo squadron and they had all these big equipment that we used for great big long rolls of film. So I had all that memorized, and they came back ten minutes later. I told them exactly what was out there, and они шут their heads. They opened the door. It was a flight line. I just walked right out of a hangar, and there's planes taxiing by. The sun is out. And evidently I started screaming, and THEY put me in a straitjacket and locked me up for six months. So that was my grand finale. It's hard to call that social drinking. So that started me in AA. And I certainly didn't start out to have a life like that. I mean, you know, I didn't started out to be a social drinker. I didn' t start out with that kind of terrible, terrible experience. I started out to be to have a drink in college that's all I was doing I was going to have a drink the drink had such a powerful effect on me that I saw it as the greatest single event that had ever happened in my life that's how powerful it was I was 19 years old I had been brought up in the Catholic Church my sister has got But 28 years in AA, and she was sitting right next to me in that same church. She saw the friendliest place in the world and still goes there. She thought it was the greatest thing. She thought the nuns were so cool. She thought all of the doctrine was just so flexible and wonderful. And I sat over there in stark terror sitting right nice to her. So it's just a question of perception. I saw these nuns as like Nazis, and they were out and whack, whack, quacking, you know, just finding everything that was wrong with me. And then I read the doctrine and the catechism, and it was like, whoa, you know, it's like Mein Kampf. And it just was, oh, oh. You know, petrified me. And when I was about nine years old, all on my own, I had an insight into God that no one else in the church had. I had it all by myself, just sitting on the front pew. I was staring at the crucifix. It was 20 feet across. It was huge, just hanging right there. And the more I looked at it, the more it looked like it spoke to me. And it just said, little boy, do you see this? Yeah. Well, this is what God did to his only son that he loved. Guess what he's going to do to you? And I just, I think I fell off the pew in a faint. And later on I said, oh, I had some bad food for breakfast and I wouldn't tell anybody because you don't want to tell anybody your secrets because they could laugh at you and think you're not cool. So anything you learn that's scary or hard to deal with, just keep it. Just keep it inside. That's what everybody does. I didn't know everybody was doing that. I thought everybody else really was cool. And then I got here. Wow. You guys were just pretending, weren't you? Just like me. You didn't have a clue either. But that was the problem. And so there was no peace in God. That was terror. All I wanted to do was live forever because I knew when you died, it's over. Bad things start happening. So that was my little comfort level inside as I'm walking around. And so I grew up in New Haven, Connecticut, and I went to a little prep school there. Very nice. I enjoyed it. and it pipelined right into Yale University, which was my hometown school. Got famous guys from all over the country were there. As soon as I got there, I realized I didn't belong there. What am I doing in this place? I mean, look at all these real people. I just felt so uncomfortable. And I knew during the freshman year that the dean was going to come out one night and call us all out on the old campus. I was going to go, gentlemen, we have discovered that there's an imposter in our midst. And he's right there. And they were going to point at me and get me out of there. That was how comfortable I felt there. And my roommates were saying, you ought to have a drink. You ought to Have a drink, you know? No, no, no. Not going to drink. I'm going to get high grades, athletics, all that. One night I was at an event where you had to go around and meet all the guys. And I talk about this in about every talk, maybe 25, 30 guys. And I had the hardest time going up and just introducing myself and making small talk. It was just impossible. And so I tried that night, and I never made it. I went up to each group, and they turned. People can talk with their eyes. You know that? The eyes can really tell you a lot. And I walk up, and the six guys put their eyes right on me. And they just very clearly, they went up to a sort of an advanced glare. And theyjust went, we don't want to know you. Stay away from our group. You're the last guy in the world we want to known. I mean, you know, you've got to take a hint. And so I would back off and go over there. And then each group looked right at me and said the same thing. So I never did meet anybody that night. I just saw those messages and said, oh, okay. But I did take a drink. There was a bar there, and I had a drink, and my roommate said it would make me feel good. I had another one. Nothing happened. I had the third one. I was halfway through the third drink. I decided to leave. But when I turned around, those guys, I don't know what they did, but they changed their mind about me. and I looked over, and every group was begging me to join them. They were going, we would give anything if you would be our friend. Really? And their eyes just kept going, yes, yes, please join our group. And I went, wow. It's just like the world I lived in became incredibly friendly. I just said, this is remarkable. I like this atmosphere. What a great room this is. And then as I walked over to the first group, I felt different. I had sort of a spring in my step and I'm just, I'm coming over there and I're going, these guys are right. It would be great to know me. You know, it was like a whole new dynamics in the world. And I just walked over there. And, you know, hey, ho, hi, ho ho. Oh, you know, and I intuitively knew how to handle situations that used to baffle me. Fear of people left me. I just was, something was doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. And so there it was, and I was now in one of the greatest worlds you could live in. And I just said, this is the greatest. And I realized that alcohol was the power that put you in this world. And I just was so grateful. I thought I should have started in grammar school. You know, this would have been wonderful. So if three drinks were that wonderful, what would 20 be like? So then you know what happens the first night. One, two, three, four, five. So the next morning after throwing up all night and spending the night next to the toilet on that nice cold marble, which I learned was a very good thing to know all about and be right near the toilet. and I got up and made it back to my room and I sat on the bed dying and the thought occurred to me, are you going to drink again tonight? And the answer, it took two seconds. I went, of course I am. My decision was based on the fact that what happened last night was worth anything. This dying and throwing up and muscles aching and head splitting wide open was a small price to pay for what I had last night. Now, what I hade last night wasn't what the other guys who drank at that university. They didn't have that. They wouldn't stand for what l was going through. And so l, without knowing it, made a deal. Somebody had come up to me and said, Okay, you're starting down the drinking path, and l want to just make sure we understand what's going to happen, okay? So l'll explain the whole deal to you. would you be willing to give up your high grades for drinking yes yep I'd be glad to do that that'll be fine yep how about athletics yeah that's fine you know that's good that's okay yeah I'll be glad to give that up how about your family yeah I'm not that close to them anyway your friends I can make new friends yeah that'll been fine you know they could have gone all the way how about your soul and I say yeah get rid of that that thing isn't doing me any good anyway they're going going to kill it later on. So it was like, I didn't want anything but drinking because it held the power to my future. And I've only been drinking a half a day. This is not like years of thinking about it. It was this all transpired. Now this, you know, I never thought it through that way. I thought I was another social drinker like the other guy Just having a party and ha-ha-ha. Well, of course, there went the athletics. There went the grades. Now I'm getting in fights. Now I get my teeth knocked out. Now I am in jail. Now my parents are upset. I mean, just going right on down. And I am going, yeah, yeah ,yeah, yeah. Yeah, there is a few glitches in my life. But boy, is life great. I mean that's just the way I saw it. It's so wonderful to live in this world of three drinks. Remember the world of three drinks? You just walked into the bar and got all those problems and you got all these terrible things happening and you just go, one, two, and then three. And then you look around and you go, hey man, what was that problem I was worried about when I came in here? All right, let's start living, man. Here we go. We're now here. We're all present. Now life starts. So that was my new world. I just loved it in there. It was like Alice in Wonderland. I hated going back into the sober world, but you had to go there. There was some thing, you have to have a job, you have to do things, but that was not important. It was being in this new world. Now, I had no idea that was going on, but that's what was going On. I was shifting my priorities and this was so important. Well, as I said, the draft was going ON, had to join the Marine Corps, became a pilot, got married, we had all these children And I did a reasonably good job, considering I was about ready to crash and burn and die. I think I tried as hard as I could. I used to beat myself up of being not a good father, not a good husband, and all that. And I put all that to rest, but I never could put the fact that I wasn't a good Marine. And that always bothered me. Somehow I should have been able to finish that career because I lost my career and everything. thing. The Marine Corps really brainwashes you, and I was expressing this at a conference a couple years ago, and a master gunnery sergeant came up after. He said, you still feel bad about the Marine Corps? And I said, yeah, I do. He says, do you know how many Marines have listened to your tapes over the years? Do you know what I mean? Do they know how many Marines you've helped in the last 30 years? Your death has been paid, and you know oh, the guy really fixed the last little glitch that I had in there. It was a wonderful feeling when he came up and told me that because I just wasn't able to put that deal to rest. There was something sentimental and all that. And I have since then had reunions with guys that I flew with and most of them thought I had died of drinking. And God, I showed up at this reunion at Cherry Point and they were happy to see me and I was happy to see them and it was like everything got fixed it all got put in perspective and it wasn't loose ends sitting out there anymore and it's it was very nice and I would show a picture around a couple of you may have seen it but I've got a new pigeon this year and these are the hardest you know multi-millionaires I don't think I could have got sober if I had $18 left you know it's like anyway he has all these planes and then he was talking with another guy who had planes and they were swapping stories you know sober guys and he said what did you fly and I told him all those things well did you ever fly civilian planes I said no I got out I went up in a fiber car a little steering wheel I just didn't get interested arrested. And then for some unknown reason, I said to him, but if somebody had a restored T-28, which is a trainer plane, but it's like a World War II fighter, and they would let me get in the back seat and do acrobatics for about 20 minutes, I would kill for that. And he said, there's one in my hangar. And it was over in Lakeland, and the guy had brought it up for an air show. it was like brand new I mean this thing is a 50 year old plane and it was totally brand new and the guy agreed to let me get in the back seat and we went up and so for about 20 minutes I was back it had been 44 years since I'd flown one of those things and I was black it was really sloppy and pulling G's and all that I felt a little queasy but I wouldn't trade that 20 minutes that was the highlight of 2004 2004 was doing that, and so God was good to me this year in giving me various things that made closure or make the circle complete and all that. So now we're back to the program, and I know there's new people here today, And one of the deals that we have in AA, you know, I come in and here's the crucifix. So I get to AA and they go, now you've got to rely on God. And I'm looking at that crucifixe in my head and I'm going, I don't think so. I think I'll leave that part out. So, you Know, a lot of us are new and that's one ofthe great struggles you have in here is to put to rest the old ideas we had about a higher power. And it just has to be done somehow. So we have to find ways to get around the blockages that we have because this is the one thing that is going to ensure that we can have long-term sobriety, is this something beyond ourselves. And we have our book, the big book. I'm just going to quote one sentence out of it. And there's a sentence that says, the purpose of this book. So if you're getting a book, you know, you might want to know what is the purpose of this Book? So I'll tell you what that sentence says. And it's a fascinating sentence and it will stick with you for your entire sobriety. It said, the Purpose of This Book Is To Enable You To Find A Power Greater Than Yourself, and here's the most important part, which will solve your problems. Now, see, this is revolutionary thinking. Now, what does that sentence say? It does not say this power will enable you to find a power which will teach you how to solve your problems. It says the power will solve your problem. And so that means that it's very important to have access to this power because that is the solution. It is the power that is moving through us is the solution. And that was very hard for somebody with an ego, nobody in this room, but we don't want a power to solve our problems. We want to be the person. I want to do it myself. You know what I mean? And the longer you're in the program, your ego is going, hey Fred, how long are you going to rely on a power? When are you gonna get in there? You see what I'm saying? I mean, you could be sober 20 years and your ego's going, Hey man, aren't you tired of being dependent on God? Don't you think it's time you grew up? Huh? When are you going to be able to stand up for yourself? When are YOU going to get out there? You know, and that's the... So we end up with what you have to call the God dilemma. Because we're... See, here's the dilemma is we're living in a spiritual world and a material world. And the two of them are pulling at us in two different directions because everything you see on television and movies and all that is telling you how you pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, You go out and you suck it in, and you go out and you accomplish it. And then when you do that, then you stand up and go, yay, for me, I did it. You know what I mean? And then you got this wimpy AA outfit. And they're telling you, you're powerless over alcohol. You're like a little wimpo there. You've got to rely on some higher power. You don't want that label, do you? Come on over here to the ego school. Yeah, yeah. So then we watch one of our buddies go over to the ego school. Wham! Alcohol takes him out. He's in the nut ward. And we go, whoa, whoa. Maybe I don't want to go over there. Maybe I'd rather be a sober wimp. You see, the struggles that are going on... Every so often I'll see on television an athlete. Sometimes it will be a white athlete. Most often it's a black athlete. And the reporter will be saying, my God, that was a remarkable thing you just did. To what do you owe that? And he'll say, I owe it all to God. And the recorder will go, what kind of an answer is that? No, I don't want to hear that. Tell me what you really owe it to. And the young man will go. I really owe to God and they go, well, I guess at the end of that interview and he hasn't got a clue how to handle it. You know what I'm saying? What do you mean? That's stupid, you know. And he goes back to his producer and says, don't get people on with God anymore. I don't know how to handle them. That's obviously not true. What is that all about? And you can see the struggle. And sometimes our literature talks about when you start talking about God, sometimes you're going to get a cool reception in the outer world there. And we just have to get used to it. So now we're back and you're the new person. and you had the same experience I did. So what is going to convince you to change your mind? Because that's all it takes. Now, for an alcoholic to change his or her mind, it's kind of like the Queen Mary being turned around in Baltimore Harbor. Takes about 75 tugboats. What's going on? Mary's changing her mind. Oh. It doesn't happen easily, right? First time my sponsor got me to admit I was wrong, I said to him, Bill, you're right. He said, no, you were wrong. And I went, hey, it's the same thing. He said well say it. It wouldn't come out. I mean it just wouldn't come out It was almost like, wrong? How could you be wrong? That could be the end of the world. You can't be wrong. So how does AA, how do we do that? Now, if we were a church, we would have statues of our higher power. We would have books that told about the history. We would talk about the miracles and we'd go, oh, 4,000 years ago, there didn't used to be a mountain here. Now there's this sacred place. What do you think of that? And you'd go, well, that's pretty impressive. But it would be, you know, we just don't have anything like that in AA. You don't see any statue. You don'T see anybody up. If we've got, I don't know how many people are in this room, 2,000 or something. There's 2, 000 different higher powers in here. So what are you supposed to do if you're new? Well, how can we possibly talk you into considering the existence of a higher power? And if you don't do that, you haven't got a chance. Well, look at our literature. Boy, did we figure out a way to do it. It is so wonderful. And it's contained of all places in the chapters of the agnostic. And I've done this in a lot of talks and I just love it because it is the closer. Closer. Anybody that's been in sales, they go, okay, you're leading up now. When do we close the guy? Well, this is the close. Are you ready? It's in the chapter of the agnostic. And I suppose we were all agnostics, at least when we got here. And when I saw that chapter in the big book, my sponsor gave me the big books. Everything you need to know is in this book. You know, all that junk. junk, and so I looked in there. I didn't see any loan application. So I knew that book wasn't going to be any help to me because that was the central thing of my problem was lack of money. It was not lack of power. But I think I glanced at the chapter and I saw I saw that this is obviously where the agnostic stays sober. You know what I mean? And then the spiritual people are over in chapter 5 and all that stuff. So I knew eventually this would be the chapter that I would reside in, the chapter of the agnostics. But I didn't actually read it. I just knew that without reading it. Some of us know. There's a few here this morning you can tell without reading what it says. A lot of times you can't tell what the speaker is going to say before he says it. you kind of know things ahead of time so you don't have to listen. We're all there, right? Well, then came a time to read this thing and it turns out that if you knew, this is what that chapter said. Okay, you're an agnostic. Okay, here's the deal. Change your mind. That's the idea. That's a deal right there. I want you to change your mind Very bad thing, being an agnostic and an alcoholic. Oh really? Yeah it is. It's very bad. You do not want to be an agnostic and an alcoholic. Why? Oh, I'll tell you why. I'm glad you asked. First of all, let's agree on the definition of an alcoholic It's right in that chapter. Are you ready? Follow me. Here it is If when you drink you have little control over the amount you drink Right? Right. Okay, everybody on board? Yeah, I'm there and if we when you stop you can't stay stopped okay still on board fine sign here that's you now if that be the case are you ready boom here it comes you're suffering from a fatal illness that only a spiritual experience can conquer uh would you repeat that yeah i'll be glad to repeat that Matt, you're suffering from an illness, a fatal illness that only a spiritual experience can conquer. And my sponsor made me read it three times. And I looked him in the eyes and I said, Bill, I don't believe in spiritual experiences. Oh, you are screwed. That was the end of it. We don't have any non-spiritual cures. What? Yeah, read on. Next paragraph. You ready? Yeah, what does it say there? It says you now have a dilemma. You have two choices. You've got to make one of them. Are you ready? Yes. Okay. Choice number one, die an alcoholic death. Oh. Choice number two, live on a spiritual basis. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, we're in the world of two crappy choices. Oh, oh. So then we go to a million doctors. Are you sure I'm an alcoholic? Are you certain that I'm not? Are you saying I'm un-alcoholic? Is there some other thing? Yeah, there was this program of rational recovery, but the lady's in jail for drunk driving. Oh, well. Well, you mean a spiritual thing is the only way out? Whoa, whoa. Oh, so this is how we get spiritual. Okay, what's the spiritual stuff? Nobody convinced you of the existence of a higher power. Nobody even mentioned the existence of a higher power. What did we convince you of? The need for a higher power. Mission accomplished. The game is over. If you would simply open your mind enough to the facts that without something greater than yourself you're going down for the last count. Then this program becomes easy. The debate is over. You are now 99% spiritual because you just acknowledged that you need something besides yourself. And now you're ready to go. And then we just explain, okay, here's the deal. This power is already inside you. It was there when you were born. This power is the part of you that wants to be loving, kind, giving, caring. It's been there. You've kept it down. You listen to the rules out there. You're supposed to crush people and take and all that. Don't listen to that anymore. We're going to take what's inside of you and draw it out. It's blocked right now. Now, this energy, this spiritual part of you is the most beautiful thing you will ever see in your life. And your whole program is uncovering this beautiful treasure. And what we do, we have these 12 steps and all they're designed is to open this package for you. It's totally blocked. And what's blocking it? We gave them the name character defects. We could have called them character blockages because they're very neutral. They're not good. They're just there. So don't feel guilty that they're there and don't feel prideful that you shouldn't have them. They are there and this energy cannot flow. So if you will follow the instructions and get a guide, a sponsor, we'll get these blockages out of the way. When they are out of their way, something will start flowing through you that you will interpret. You will then say, this is what I'm in touch with But trust us, it is guaranteed if you do the work, you will feel the flow. You will know for certain that whatever you want to name this has entered your heart and is doing things for you that you could not do for yourselves. This is the reward of Alcoholics Anonymous. This is a point of doing all of this. This is what is meant when we say, find a power that is the solution to your problems. And so only one question that you have to ask, and that is, what do I do next? What do I doing next? And we come in here, and everybody is a big shot. And our egos fill this room. And when your ego fills this room, everything that happens in the universe bothers you. You know what I'm talking about? When your ego is out there, there's something happening in the Ukraine, which you don't even know where it is. And it seems they've rigged an election over there. And you go, God, I can't believe they rigged the election in the Ukrainian. I can'T even sleep. Give me a drink. What are they doing over there? That's when our egos are out there. So instead of being a big shot, we want to go to the highest pay grade in Alcoholics Anonymous, which is servant. Now you've got to work real hard to get up to servant because your ego does not want you to have the label servant. Hey, there goes Harry. Servant. Nice seeing you, Harry. Hey, hi, servant. What if your friends see you being called servant? Well, you come in here and you find this is the goal. It's the exact opposite of that material world. The real deal is to simply become small and allow God to be everything. I'm just an instrument. I am now just the point of all the power there is. so we suddenly have access to power beyond our own dreams but it's all being directed towards being useful it's All Being Directed outward and so this you know it's everything in the spiritual world is like a paradox I remember the first time I read the prayer of Saint Francis which is my favorite prayer it's in the 11th step on the 12 and 12 it is awesome you can think about it for years and just think about it and just look at the words and it starts out with Lord Lord, make me a channel of thy peace. I don't know about you, but when I saw those words, I pictured what they meant. And I pictured working these steps and getting all this self-centered stuff out of the way and now this peace floods in and I just sit there enjoying it. Turns out that's not what happens at all. We get the obstacles out of our way and the peace comes out and is shared with others. The energy's going the exact opposite way. Everything we need, we already have. We already have, it's already there. It just needs to get out. And so the whole prayer talks about that. That where there is hatred, let me bring love. That where There Is Darkness, let me Bring Life. Where There Is Error, let me Brings Truth. Where There is Misunderstanding, let me Understand. And it just goes all the way through where I am to be the peacemaker, the comforter, the whatever. And it changes my outlook upon the day. But it's not anything that I can do intellectually. This, I swear, this is the hardest part of Alcoholics Anonymous is understanding that these tools that we have, When it says there is a solution, we pick up this kit of spiritual tools. These are power tools. They have to be plugged in. They aren't things that you – they have to бытьlugged in. The power does the work. And so it's so hard for me to understand that. And so if I'm going on a job interview and I'm frightened, And so I go to my higher power and I go, God, please give me the courage and the strength to go on this job interview and do well. Now, if God could talk to me, he'd go, why don't you just take me with you? Why are you going on the interview alone? I don't know. I just do things on my own, God. That's all. Well, go ahead, but it's a lot more fun if you take me. Yeah, I guess it is. Well, would you actually come? Yeah, be glad to come. Oh. So we go to the interview and Mr. Brown says, Tell Mr. brown we're here. Know what I mean? And maybe the words that come out of your mouth during the interview will be entirely different. Instead of going in there and going, listen, Mr. Brown, what's the maximum salary that you can pay me? How many damn days do you get off? What are sick leave things in here? Let's get a few things straight, Mr., Brown. I'm tired of getting shoved around. No. We go in there, and we say, well, what are you looking for? Oh, God, Mr, Brown, I'd be glad to devote every ounce of energy I have to your company. I would like to contribute everything that I have into making your company a better company. That's what I'd like to do. And you walk out and you go, where the hell did those words come from? But guess who gets the job? You become an individual program of attraction. People are attracted to unselfishness. They hardly ever see it. They just go, God, this is wonderful. Bring him in. Maybe we'll promote him. He could teach other people how to do this. Doors are opening. Things are happening, and we're not in charge. We didn't plan that. We didn' t plan any of it. Why don't we just bring God along? There ought to be a slogan. You know, I'm going to be God's manager, and it would be something like this. God, don't leave home without Him. You know? Something like that. Why would we ever be out there alone? You know why? Because if you go out there with God, you have to give God the credit. If you handle it on your own, and you can start talking about it later on. Yeah, I went in, stared him right in the eye. I said, hey, Brown, you want a good guy? I'm the guy, I'mtheguy, I'MTHEGUY. Now doesn't that make a much better story than, well, I took God's hand and I went in. Yeah, I got the job and I got all the money, but God gets the credit, and I'm sick and tired of that. So I get out of bed next Tuesday morning, and I go, God, thanks for all the help you've been, but I'm going to handle today alone. And then we see you at the meeting that night, and we go, Harry, what's wrong? Oh, had the worst day I've ever had. God, everywhere I went, they were picking on me. Everywhere I went. Oh, my God. Felt like drinking. Worst damn day I have ever had, really. What do you think it was? I don't know. Just bad day, bad day. what was the day we're out there alone did anybody have to remind you to drink every day hey i think i go out today without the alcohol i'm going to be alone we come in here and we want to keep doing it alone we want to leave god out of it leave god on the ground out of that boy is that insanity so that's why we have meetings that's how we keep getting together the answer is right in that sentence the purpose of the entire program is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself which will solve your problems. And when it solves them, it doesn't solve them in the traditional sense. It takes away financial insecurity without giving you any money. It takes away loneliness with no one showing up. suddenly you are absolutely comfortable with everything just the way it is, and you have entered step 10, the world of the Spirit. Where's the world or the Spirit? In the now. That's the only place that God exists, is in the now, so anytime we get disturbed, we're leaving the now and we're on our own. So anytime we gets disturbed, top priority, get undisturbed so that you can have God with you again. So that's what the whole last three steps, as far as I'm concerned, concern themselves with. Is letting go of this hand to God because we got angry, resentful or whatever hit us during the day. And it takes years to go, okay, I've got to stop. Do not proceed. You have this big resentment. Somebody in the office just said this. Why that? You know. And we go, whoops. Do not procede. It's like we need a referee. Sorry, Harry. Time out. No, you're disturbed. Get over here. Call your sponsor. Explain the situation to him because you cannot see it clearly when you're disturbed. Do not try to figure the thing out on your own. Wrong. Five more yards. Call your sponsored. Okay, Joe, listen. This is what happened. Harry came in. Harry's right? I owe him an amend? All right. Harry, I'm sorry. All right. The day goes on. You see what I'm saying? It is this is the process of staying connected to a higher power. Otherwise, we're on our own. So the whole deal is to somehow ease the ego out. And that's the rest of our journey in sobriety is doing that. In the beginning, we think we made this big progress and we've gone about this far. and then we just keep going I've been here for 40 years I think I've gotten one tenth of the ego out of the way you know what I mean but it's so much better than it was in closing I want to say something to those of you that are new there's a lot of fun in spirituality there's joy Joy, I reserve joy as an adjective that I only use with spiritual things. So far as I'm concerned, joy only comes from my higher power. Happiness and all those other things, I'll allow that to come from other places. But the joy of living, that's what Bill talks about in the 12th step. What that means is when you are close to this power that's inside of you so that it can flow, there is a sense of joy that stays there while you go through sad things you can have a death in the family and experience the pain and sadness of this event but still be connected to a sense that everything is fine and joyful at the same time it is a marvelous thing now some of you are going well that sounds pretty hard hard. How many of us have gone to a funeral and gone out and gotten drunk? Hey, whoa, what a great guy he was. And we're partying all over the place. When we have access to this, there is a sense of well-being in spite of the evidence out here. There is a sens that no matter what is going on, everything's fine in God's world. And that connection can enable us to handle things greetings, very gracefully. I once had a friend in Tampa. He died of cancer. And when he first got it, he was a professor, a real smart guy and all that. When he first got it he was totally whacked out and depressed. And then he said, God, I was thinking last night what I could do with this cancer is I could be a good example to other people in the program about how to handle this. Suddenly he had a very noble mission. Instead of a bad deal, he had this noble mission and he just came to the meetings and told everybody, if this happens to you, you don't have to really get that frightened. It's something that will just be manageable. God, we're all looking at him and then it went along and now it was down where there just didn't seem to be that much time and he had some last minute tests and all that and the doctor said, my God, we can't explain this but it appears that you're doing better. And I had dinner with him the next night after the doctors told him that. And I said, That must make you feel wonderful. He said, It does. But when I thought the end was this close, I was much closer to God than I am now. And I missed where I was when I didn't have this good news. Now that's a remarkable thing to hear That the reprieve is wonderful, but it took away the connection that I had. And then later on, it turned out that it didn't work out. And he just had this great dignity about him. And you could tell that while going through all of this, he had the connection. And so there wasn't anything to really worry about. I found that one of the most powerful things that I've experienced, and that was about three years ago, Just watching this, we have such great teachers in Alcoholics Anonymous and we can just allow that to come into ourselves. So if you're new, you haven't just come into a place to get sober so that there's no alcohol in your system. You've come in to the place where you will go on your personal epic journey to discover who you really are, what the world is all about, how to make sense out of life, and how to end up being remarkably useful as you go through the rest of your life. That is almost like joining King Arthur's court or something. I mean, it is such a noble and worthwhile effort to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous because in the final analysis, rather than trying to become something, something, you become part of something. And there's a big difference. And I hope you find it soon. God bless you all. Thank you. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.