Step 1: If Alcohol Was Your Real Problem, Detox Would Have Worked – Mark H.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Mark H.. I'm an alcoholic. And the morning of October 19th, 1982, the power of God showed up in this atheist alcoholic's life and separated me from alcohol. And it is that power, along with some disciplines I was taught in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, that has allowed me to not take a drink from that moment until this moment. And I am immensely grateful for that. And I show that in different ways, through sponsorship. I have a home group called Carry This Message Group I belong to in Austin, Texas. It meets every Monday night from 6 to 7, if you're ever down. Come see us. I never miss that group. I'm the treasurer of that group. I show up for every group conscience. You see, I love being sober. Longer I'm sober, I see God and experience God in the pots and pans and the simplicity of my life. For example, when I was drinking, at times, I lived on your couch. Or in a car. And I'm glad when I woke up this morning, and it's 20 degrees above zero, I was in a nice, warm motel room. I don't take being sober for granted. I had a choice of more than one pair of shoes to come and wear to spend some time with you. I had a choice of several shirts and several ties. I didn't know how to wear them. That's how it was when I came in. I got a driver's license. I have an insurance card. And everything is valid in my life. I have a current mailing address, can you imagine? I had it for quite some time. I had the same phone number for a long time. See, I don't take any of these things for granted. The electrical company floats me electricity 30 days in advance. I didn't have any of that stuff. See, when a guy like me takes a drink, I give up all rights to operate on the planet, and ultimately, I will either die or be locked up. That is my experience. We're all forged and shaped by the groups we, I think, first came into, by the men and women in our life who have influenced us by our sponsors, and so it is with me. And I sobered up in Denver, Colorado, and I immediately fell into a hotbed of big book men and women. See, I think God knows exactly what we need. This is how asleep I am. I took my first drink of alcohol when I was 16. I took my last drink when I was 36. And unless I was either in the military or completely unable to drink, I was a daily drinker, a blackout drinker. I placed alcohol above everybody and everything, as evidenced by my story and my amends. And I get separated from alcohol, and I'm about six months sober before I realize I haven't been drinking. Now, when you're that asleep, it's a problem. See, there's nothing worse than being an alcoholic and having one to five days off alcohol and then thinking you're choosing to relapse. Kept me drinking for a long time. The idea that I'm involved with my relapses. See, I'm a real alcoholic, and I've lost the power of choice in drinking. When I look back, that happened for me very early on in my drinking career, probably by the time I was 18. But I couldn't see it. And that group that I got sent to? They didn't work off the assumption that because I walked into their meeting that I was a real alcoholic. Some of you, I think, might have known the first man who carried the real message to me, Don Pritz. Don died several years ago. Wonderful man. He did a great thing for me. He did not assume that I knew what it meant to be an alcoholic. He probably denied right up to his death that he ever sponsored me. Some of those groups I went to were purists, and the word sponsor is not mentioned in the recovery portion. They didn't use it. They didn't believe in dependencies. I made the mistake of saying two or three times in a meeting, my sponsor said, and I was told in no uncertain terms. I was told. I don't want to hear you say that again. What's the book say? What's the book say? No dependencies. What's the book say? Thank God for that. Thank God they didn't fall into that dependency trap. My sponsor says, sponsors drink, they die, they get old, you move, all kinds of things. They knew that. They knew that. They knew what my work was. It was the book that was the most important thing to me. It was the book that was the most important thing to me. I called Don. It always looked the same. He'd ask me, have you prayed? If I said no, he would hang up. So, I either prayed or lied. Then he would say, get your big book. He taught me many things in that process. See, when you're trying to work with a real alcoholic, every time you work with them, you're modeling something to them. And what he taught me is it's about God. What does the book say? The recovery portion. About everything. Relationships, money, health, Damon. The big book covers everything. There isn't anything I've ran into since the day I got sober that I can't get a solution in the big book. One of the most profound pieces of literature I've ever read. And I've read a lot, because I had my years in which I was going to get to know God intellectually. I think everyone who's long time sober goes through that. If you get through that, maybe you'll have the experience I had. I was taken to a place for almost four years I couldn't read anything except the big book. It's as though God said, why don't you quit reading about me and just start living me. It was a wonderful experience. I was born and raised in Iowa. Second oldest of four boys. Raised in a Norwegian farming community of three, four, five thousand people. Hard working people. Mother's side of the family was where all the Norwegian is. Very stoic. If they had an emotion, you would never know it. I had a 19 year time period. My life where I never shed a tear. There's a connection between that and staying drunk. Because when you completely emotionally disconnect from yourself, and you think that that part of your being does not exist, that leads to problems. And I used to drink behind that. My dad's side of the family is lots of alcoholism. Dad died. Alcoholism, 86. It set his aorta burst. But he died of alcoholism. It's all over that side of my family. That isn't what makes me an alcoholic. What makes me an alcoholic is I take a drink and I break out in a phenomenon called craving. And I'm going to drink until the craving is satisfied. My last drunk lasted a year and a half. A year and a half. Took me the longest time when looking at the first step to understand that when I take a drink, the drink takes me. I laugh when I hear people talk about they think they know what it looks like if they ever pick up a drink again. See, if I knew what it looked like, you'd have another speaker. Because that would imply I had power over alcohol. I don't. I am powerless over alcohol. I take a drink and the drink takes a drink, and the drink takes me. That's the way that rolled. And that's the way that rolled. And if that wasn't bad enough, then that got coupled with the other thing called a mental obsession. In which I would have periods of time, from the time I was 16 until I was 36, in which I would be separated from alcohol, and I needed to not drink alcohol based on what I do when I drink alcohol and I drink alcohol. And not realizing that I'm not involved in that. That incredible first step. As far as I can tell, one third of the big book was devoted to me, the recovery portion of the text, is devoted to me finding out my truth. Why do I want to find out that truth? Because if you're a victim of the disease of alcoholism, you, like me, suffer from a deadly illness. And it kills and kills every time. Two weeks ago, 18 year old, alcoholic, left the place I work three days early. Been there almost 90 days. Very young, bad alcoholic. Didn't think he was an alcoholic. They found him four days ago. His grandmother found him dead. 18 years old. Alcoholic poisoning. Alcoholism kills. I will go to any lengths to prevent that. Relapse is not okay with me. Because many people, like him, never make it back into the rooms. I have been accused of being serious. Gee, I don't know why I would be serious. The ones who accuse me of that are normally people with a lot of relapse history. We were talking earlier, my experience is if you want to stay sober, you better turn into a marathon runner. This is not for sprinters. The one thing I notice about the men and the women in my life who had some shape and influence on me when they died had several things in common. And none of them are very complex. They all had a sponsor, which I do. They still all belong to a home group, which I do. They still all sponsored men or women, which I do. They work with the daily disciplines of the 10th and 11th steps. And they did their best to live these principles in their lives on a daily basis. Very simple stuff. The ones I see who drink, move away from that. I've watched people pray and meditate themselves right out of the rooms and get drunk. I've watched it happen via church. I do a lot of stuff with the 11th step, but I do it along with, not just with, but with the 11th step. I do it along with, not just with, but with the 11th step. I do it along with, not just with, but with the 11th step. I met God in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and in my own personal experiences through the steps. I don't think I need to go anywhere else. Do I do a lot of other things alongside that? Of course I do. 11th step, be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer and they do. I'm a thief. Want to find out about meditation? Go visit monasteries. Go talk to a Buddhist who's been meditating 30 years. I do stuff like that. I find it to be fascinating. I find it to be fascinating. Go visit a monastery, Gethsemane, and visit a monk who's devoted his life to worship and prayer. If you want to find out about worship and prayer, say to him, tell me about that. How come when you wash dishes it looks like you're handling something holy? You want to tell me about that? They started to teach me about all the things the big books said. They started to teach me about all the things the big books said. I migrated out of high school into college and drinking began to show up tremendously in my life. I wound up going to four universities and after six and a half years of college there was a little thing going on called Vietnam and there was a little thing coupled with that called the draft. And they said to me, it doesn't appear to us as though you're ever going to get done, so we're going to draft you. So we're going to draft you and they did. They sent me over there for 13 and a half months. Now inventory will really mess up your story. I got a lot of mileage out of Vietnam for a long time about what a poor victim I was until I wrote inventory and realized that because of my drinking and because of my sloth and my laziness in college, I sent the draft board an invitation to draft me and they complied and then I got mad at them. A resentment inventory will change your entire story. Particularly if you have any areas of your life in which you like to pretend that you're a victim, which of course implies that you are not responsive. I came back from there, went back and finished up college, got married and rode off to San Francisco in a new Volkswagen, $150 and a wife. Went to work in the same company. I was a little bit of a junkie. I was a little bit of a junkie. I worked for a major insurance company in San Francisco as a claims adjuster. What a great life for an alcoholic. Unlimited expense account. Big Bonneville in San Francisco. Napa Valley. Wine. Outside issues. I had a ride. Amazing stuff. And I don't know how I got this way. I was this way for a long time and I was this way sober. But how I experienced myself internally and how you experienced me externally, there was always a huge gap. You know, it's that old thing of, I'll bet I'm not alone in this. I got constantly in my report cards, not working up to his potential. You ever get that one? And these people would tell me I was capable of doing all of these things, but inside I had a voice that said to me, it's only a matter of time until they find out who I really am. And the ax will fall. So I was always moving on to the next job. Left San Francisco, went up to Eugene, Oregon, and then Portland, Oregon. And my alcoholism, my drinking. It's getting worse and worse. And part of my story and my alcoholism, as the drinking gets worse and worse, the phenomena craving, the mental obsession, I begin to compromise in every moral value system I was raised with. Begin to commit adultery. Alkies are funny. You don't hear that word very much from the podium. We don't mind having affairs, but heaven forbid we commit adultery. I committed adultery. When you're married, that's what it's called, yeah. And the shame, the guilt, the remorse of that, not being able to give my employer a full day's work, and now I'm in that groundhog cycle and it all feeds itself. And pretty soon I'm drinking more than I'm working. And pretty soon that job goes away. And I moved up to the state of Washington. And then I moved up to Alaska. Was in Alaska for a year. Hard place to drink if you're an alcoholic. They have this several months of the year when it's dark and several months of the year when it's light. And it gets very confusing when you walk out of a bar at 2 o'clock in the morning and it's broad daylight. You get very confused. Is it 2 a.m. or 2 p.m.? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. From there I wound up going back to Colorado. Last two, three years of my drinking is when I slept in cars and on couches and things of that nature. And through a series of events I wound up in a detox. And then I wound up going to a 30-day rehab and out of there I wound up going into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And meeting people like Don. My good friend Joe. First couple years in recovery were hard. When I sobered up I had brain damage, kidney damage, liver damage. Everything I owned fit in a duffel bag. Didn't have a car. But I'd been separated from alcohol. One week out of that rehab I wound up getting a job. I had that job for eight years. The miracle of God's power showing up in my life. I was in the hospital. I had that job for eight years. The miracle of God's power showing up in my life. I remember I went to interview with that woman. I was weighing about 260 then. I had a suit that I was wearing that I probably bought when I weighed about 200. And I was sweating bullets because I was terrified. See, if you drank like I did and you get struck sober, and you got to look at this world through sober eyes, it is a very scary proposition. And I'm interviewing. She says to me, What have you been doing? I said, well, drinking in rehab. She says, no, no, I meant for work. So I tell her, she told me later that every bone in her body says not to hire me, but she hired me. Turned out my boss was in recovery. So he'd pick me up at band 6.30 in the morning, and we'd be down there at 7 o'clock. Before we were done there were eight of us alkies working for this company. We was in the retail selling cameras and video and all that. We were in the retail selling cameras and video and all that. We were in the retail selling cameras and video and all that. We were breaking every sales record known to man. The president finally came down and said to the manager, What in God's name are you and your guys doing? He said, listen, they're drunks. They're just happy to be breathing. They're here from 7 in the morning until 6 at night. And boy, that was the truth. Thank God for that experience. Then my head started to clear. Then I began that process of the steps. Then I began that process of the steps. Really taking a look at the first step. I rework the first nine steps once a year. I do that for this reason. There is a phenomenon I have experienced called reconstruction of the ego. I cannot defeat my ego. It takes the very best of me. And my efforts at the disciplines of the 10th and 11th step fall short. And my efforts at the disciplines of the 10th and 11th step fall short. So I always take one month out of the year. Last year I did it in April. And I reworked the first nine steps. In a formal setting with other people. Formal meaning we get together. And we revisit that first step experience. Doctor's opinion of page 23 and looking at me and this phenomenon of craving. What happens to Mark when he takes a drink? You know, this is how intelligent we are. As far as I can tell, a big book has 33 pages of information devoted to you and I answering one question. When I take a drink, do I lose power, choice, and control? You would think that wouldn't take 33 pages. So why would that be? Maybe because I'm looking for every reason in the world why that doesn't happen to me. Because if that happens to me, then I'm a real alcoholic. And that means I'm probably going to have to quit drinking. So I'm looking for the 10th step. So I'm looking for the times that I went out and just had two. And went home. But they're not very many. So I go back and revisit that. And I look at the time when my grandmother died and I'm up in Alaska and I get on a plane and I got three days to get to Iowa. And I take a drink and six days later I wake up in St. Louis, Missouri. Came out of a blackout. And missed the funeral. And I wanted to be at the funeral. And I don't know how I got to St. Louis. And I got hundreds of examples like that. If I take a drink and the drink takes me and I see my God awful truth that this is me. And then those incredible pages of 23 to 43 where I look at what is called the obsession. The mental obsession of the mind in which I will commit the most insane act of my life. Stone cold sober on my power. And is that me? Do I believe that? The first step consideration. Do I believe that I've lost the power of choice and drink sober on my power? My power. Not me and God partnered up but Mark's power. And I look at all of the times in my life in which I would have been separated from alcohol for a period of time. Should have never picked up the phone. Should have never picked up a drink and I picked up a drink. And I see that this is me. I see on my power there's a time when I'll have no effective mental defense against the first drink. How does that translate in terms of the 10th and 11th step? As far as I can tell the big book says that I am sober today because I'm in fit spiritual condition. Not because I believe in God. Not because I'm a nice guy. Not because I have a home group. Because I'm in fit spiritual condition. And if in fact I've lost the power of choice and drink and I have no mental defense then maybe that's why I'm going to do the mental disciplines of 10 and 11 every day. Which is why I do them. Because see I don't know if today is the day when my mind says, you know they didn't have corona when you were drinking. Laughter. Laughter. And there's some new wines out there. Maybe today's the day. I don't care to have that experience. So I'm going to do what I need to do to stay in fit spiritual condition. And in fit spiritual condition the power of choice is removed from me. I laugh about that sometimes. You know I'll be in the grocery store. And I'm not present to what I'm doing. I'm in the internal dialogue listening to the voices. You all know what I mean by that, right? And you wake up and you're in the liquor aisle. Surrounded. Everywhere you look. You see and that can happen to us and we can be in a position of neutrality, can't we? Sometimes I just stand there and look at those beautiful bottles. Yeah I think on any given day. I still love alcohol more than most people drinking it. Because of what? Because of the effect it produces. See I'm not a guy that just quit drinking and go to meetings, works with. Because of the effect produced by alcohol. The night step promises. When I took a drink and the drink worked. The night step promises came true in my life. You try and ask a normal drinker. You say to him. What happens to you when you take a drink? They will not use the words that you and I use. Oh I felt close to God. I felt at one with everybody and everything. They don't say that. I remember once I said to my mother. Bless her heart she's dead now. But I said. She wasn't an alky. I said. Mom. When you take a drink do you lose control over how much you drink? She looked at me and she said. Why would I do that? See non-alcoholics their responses to the questions in the big book. About me and this perverse relationship with alcohol are very very different. So I see I'm in those pages. Those pages where they talk about Fred. Fred drank when there wasn't a cloud in the horizon. Talk about Jim. Jim drank suddenly. I've experienced with suddenly. The thought of Jim. The thought occurred. I have the experience of the Jim Walker. I'm in those pages. That's me. Bottom of page 43 once more. Mark at certain times has no effect in mental defense against the first drink. Is this you Mark? Is this your experience? Is it Mark your current experience? You'll hear me use the verb. I'm not saying it's not. I'm saying it's not. You'll hear me use the verbage current experience. Here's why. I can't live off the food I ate a month ago. And I certainly can't live off the action I took in the steps last year. This year. I think our book calls it resting on our laurels. I've done that before. I paid the price. I don't want to pay the price. Tell you what happens to a guy like me. Sober. Just going to meetings. Between my ninth and tenth year. I got the opportunity to spend forty days in a psych hospital in Houston Texas. That's what happens to a guy like me who's just sober. Doing nothing but going to meetings. Asking myself how I got there. Horrific experience. Can't find it in the big book. Came out of the hospital. I was just a guy. I was a nurse. Came out of that experience. In many respects it almost feels like I have two periods of sobriety. My first ten years and thereafter. But I got released from that hospital in 1991. When I was down in Kerrville Texas. And I went into the big book and I started asking myself some questions. Particularly around the tenth and eleventh and twelfth step. And the questions were this. What have you been BS-ing yourself about that you say you're doing that you haven't done? And I saw how strict those disciplines were. So I really recommitted and I from that day to this. I stay committed. I reworked the first nine steps four times in the first two years. I had a lot of unfinished amends I didn't clean up. I missed that line in the eighth step. Made a list of all AOL persons we had harmed. I didn't understand the connection. That everything is connected. That if I have unfinished amends today. Sober. That that has a connection between me and everything else. And everybody. I didn't understand that. I didn't do enough work with inventory. The resentment inventory. The fear inventory. The sex inventory. I remember being fourteen years sober. Sitting in a grocery store. In my car outside the grocery store. Afraid to walk in. Because somebody might say hi to me. See I need God in my life. I need to be grounded in the power of God in my life. To do what? To live life. I don't know how I did what I did yesterday. And the world expects me to do it today. What alky knows anything about a long term relationship? Right? The most significant long term relationship I ever had was the Internal Revenue Service. Lasted fourteen years. I grieved for a year when it was over. But boy I learned a lesson. I got a CPA and if anything it's overpay, overpay, overpay. I will not invite those people back into my life again. A line I work with all the time in the big book is all Mark's troubles are Mark's own making. That's one of the most strongest statements of power that you'll find in the book. That means I'm responsible for my life. All aspects of it. My health, my wealth, my sobriety, my relationship with God, my seeking, all of it. Means I gotta give up the blame thrower. And I get a rest in taking complete responsibility for my life. When I go back through and I look at the steps I take a look at what I call my current unmanageability. Another word for it is my current agnosticism. Areas of my life in which I still am experiencing fear. Areas in which I might be having trouble in personal relationships. Prey to misery and depression. And I take a look at all of that and buried in the middle of all of it is fear. And I'm into fear because I'm into suffering. And I'm into fear because I'm into suffering. And that we sit somewhere in this life and I'm thinking about all of the things I'm alive because I know there are things that I feel confident with. How do we filter these? How do we concentrate everything? Is there self-confidence or self-care or singing or whatever of any relationship? How do we get that self-care? because if there's not more of God past here then God is limited the idea that I know everything there is to know about God within the confines of my brain second step is very exciting to me every time I look at it every time I go back through is there more past here choosing once again that God is everything in my life that choice what an incredible choice God is everything placing everything under that umbrella that power, that protection coming up to my third step am I convinced my life run on my will 27 years without a drink drunk or sober cannot and will not work and I make a list of the areas in which I am attempting to run my life on my will well I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that I start with people around me sponsees who won't do what I want them to do right employees and I start to see where my self will see the longer I'm sober the harder the work here's why my ego has a new face it's called this guy been sober a while a spiritual man an elder of the group a clean car money in the bank it's still ego it's just got a different face hell when you're new it's easy to see all that stuff you get sober for a while get some time get some experiences behind you the ego still operates in the same fashion you get sober for a while you get sober for a while just has a different look to it this lets me see what I'm rubbing up against how am I in my 27th year suffering from the delusion I'll be happy and satisfied if I manage well and I make a list of that because that's where I'm going to see my current agnosticism and then finally the big book hits me right between the eyes once again about this is what's really wrong with you Mark the root of your whole trouble is you're selfish and self-centered big book is a fascinating piece of literature in that they wait till page 62 to tell you what's wrong prior to that they have you and I thinking it's about alcohol you see what I'm saying? you see that's cruel you come into AA and you think it's alcohol, right? that's what you hear it's on the wall it's the name of the book you get to page 62 it goes no the root of your trouble is you're selfish and self-centered and they're bold enough to even follow that on the next page saying by the way just so you know your drinking is but a symptom of what's really wrong with you AA from the day I came in is still a Cheech and Chong experience well what do you mean? alcohol is not my problem it's not your problem see if alcohol is your problem Mark detox would have worked and that little light goes off oh what does that mean? it means if alcohol was your problem we would have separated you from alcohol patted you on the fanny and said go have a good life we tried that hundreds of times you'd go drink again so we got to figure out the causes and conditions okay okay okay make that third step decision now you start to write inventory I wrote inventory last year seven names that's the first column second column is where my resentment are I had 23 of them I love to write the second column and I don't pretend I'm nice nice elkies scare me to death see I know better don't you love that? don't you love that? don't you love that? you know it's like you ever go to a meeting you hear about being people pleasers can you can you show me the connection between me being a people pleaser and selfish self-centeredness is the root of my trouble see if I ever pleased a person trust me I had a motive so I wrote all the second column and it wasn't nice because I'm not nice on my power driven by my self-will I'm driven by fear self-delusion self-seeking and self-pity I'll give you a little example how nice I am a couple employees who worked for me two, three, four of them quit no notice abandoned the job second column quits like a coward a jackal in the night he has no balls he has no integrity if he was a real man he would have given an appropriate amount of notice but he's a punk I'm not nice you do something that hurts threatens and interferes with me I don't care how long I'm sober inwardly this is what you're going to deal with right I'm not nice I'm not nice so I finish all that second column and then I go into my third column I better see where I'm playing God in my third column self-esteem I'm a loyal employee I always give proper notice I'm a man of integrity John Wayne I have balls I have balls you know I am my own man I have my money don't threaten my money just third column see and I see what I'm rubbing up against then I write the fourth column and it turns the second column into a lie and that's what better happen to you when you write inventory your third and fourth column better turn the second into a lie even though it has a grain of truth to it otherwise all your troubles are not of your own making you'll never get free mine are why I hired him ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I hate that part ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha fear inventory written fear inventory many different ways most of the time I'll write a two column inventory sometimes I do three or four put down the fear why do I have the fear I get very very specific get done with that you read those two incredible chapters you read those two incredible chapters in the big book around the fear inventory where it gives you a way to deal with the fears that you're experiencing in your life where you're going to let God demonstrate through you what God can do what an incredible thing you and I do the work particularly the work of four through nine work with the disciplines of ten or eleven God will demonstrate through us what God can do I don't have any power to not drink alcohol and be a selfish self-centered human being instead I get to be up here with you this weekend share some time with you I get to sponsor men I get to be of service I can't do that on my power I ask God to remove it remind me what he would have me be my third step decision I'm God's child I'm an actor God's my director I'm an agent God is my principal I'm an employee God is my director God is my employer and the fear can leave third inventory sex inventory stay sober long enough it becomes about relationships about nine questions in there you have to answer so you write those three inventories last year when I did that and we'll do it again this year when I go back through there were four of us went back through the steps together one guy had twenty-five two years one guy had six one guy had two it's funny when you're when you're going back through the steps ensuring inventory with someone only two or three years sober because the guy starts laughing when I'm reading my inventory right I said what are you laughing at he said well I just thought you'd be healthier by now I said well you're wrong a friend of mine says don't get too well on me Mark I'm not talking about me so we shared our inventories very powerful process then I leave there and I spend an hour and I answer those questions bottom of page seventy-five take a timer set it for an hour a whole bunch of questions construction questions questions about the stones and is your foundation in place and the mortar a couple of questions a little bit more a little bit more Have you reviewed the first five steps? Do you know God better? What an incredible question to ask after an inventory. See, it's more Cheech and Chong stuff, right? I share this pitiful inventory with these three guys, and then I leave and I'm spending this hour with God, and one of the questions, one of the things that should have happened is do I know God better because I shared this pitiful inventory with these three pitiful guys? And the answer was yes. You know why? Because my inventory is a reflection of who I am not. And in the process of reading that to these guys, that drops away from me. And I have a chance to experience more of who I really am. So I did know God better. What a loving experience that is. Then I go right into six and I identify the defects of character I saw when I read the inventory. I get down on my knees and ask God to remove them in the seventh. This stuff about unwilling to let go of, I gave that dance up a long time ago. I don't want to ever take a drink. Willing to let go of it all. And I never second guess what God's going to take and what God's going to leave. That is not my business. As far as I can tell, that which created my ego is the one that will destroy it. If God wants to remove it, so be it. I've never met an enlightened Elkie. God, we'd be dangerous. My defects drive me close to God. See? Made a list of amends. I had, actually, in addition to those seven names, I had about seven more. Within two weeks, I'd finished those amends. And I'm back at peace. Now I begin to pick up the disciplines of 10 or 11 again. Doing some work with Emmett Fox. Some stuff with Thomas Mertz. Merton. Merton will really challenge you. I love Emmett Fox stuff. I'd done some of that in the early years. Great book called Finding Use Your Inner Power. Power, Constructive Thinking. They gave an exercise in there which I have failed at miserably. I've tried it many times over the years. It's called the 7 Day Mental Diet. In which you attempt to go through a whole day for seven days in a row. Turning your thoughts to positive. Any thoughts? Geez, I tell you. Just like today, I'll give you an example. I had an opportunity. I did an hour of meditation today. And I was hooked up. Just beaming and turning inside. And then I went to Starbucks. I decided I'd go inside, not the drive-thru. And I'm still pretty hooked up. And then I get in there. And there's this long line. There's these two ladies ahead of me. And they can't see me. And they can't see me. And they can't see me. And they can't see me. And they can't see me. And they can't see me. And they can't see me. And they cannot figure out what they want. And I'm waiting. And I'm waiting. And it starts. See? So I'm going to keep trying the 7 Day Mental Diet. We'll see how we do. Like the book says, I claim spiritual progress. So it's getting better. I was reflecting on that last year. I remember I had three times. In which I experienced extreme anger. Only three times. Now, don't misunderstand what I'm going to tell you. It does not mean I didn't get angry. I'm talking extreme. And I tell you how much progress I've made. It is so foreign to me now. It literally made me physically sick. And what I really need to look at is why was I so afraid? Because that's what that was about. See, that's tremendous progress for a guy like me. Most days I get up at 4 a.m. I begin my day with non-conference approved 24 hours a day. It says, upon awakening, Mark considers his plans. And I go through and do the prayers. Then I read some meditation books. And then depending on the length of time that I have will determine how long I sit in meditation. I've created a space in my bedroom. Where I have a meditation. I have an altar. Sacred space. I spend some time there. So that when I go out into the world, I can be of service to God and to my fellow human beings. Free of Mark. Free of my selfishness. My self-centeredness. My fear. Free to enjoy. To smile. To laugh. To bring something back. To never take for granted. Simple things. Water. Food. Health. Vision. You. Sober. The list is on and on and on. To be that awake. To understand how precious it is. To understand it can be gone in a moment. To never take sobriety for granted. To be willing to submit to a way other than my own. And give up what it looks like. To really understand that on my power I get drunk. And give up rights. And so I do that third step. And I said to God, I offer myself to thee to build with me. And you do with me as you will. And when I live my life that way, what an incredible experience. Working with others. We work out of the big book. I normally meet a minimum every two weeks. I work with the men I work with. They have varying lengths of sobriety. We talk about what's going on in their life. We talk about where they're at with the steps. We talk about their home group. We talk about those kinds of things. I stay immersed in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. You all are my tribe. And I'm clear on that. There's no place out. I have ever fit in. I'm also clear on that. So I'm going to stay with my tribe right up to the time my spirit leaves this body. And you can't kick me out. If you're new, find someone who works out of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And get after the steps and tap into the power of God in your life. You cannot imagine it. It is beyond your wildest dreams. There is a God who loves you. That will take you to your knees, weeping with the power of that love in your life. And it can show up everywhere. In your work. In your home. In your community. In these rooms. Don't miss out on it. God bless you. Thank you. Thank you.