Step 7 Hit When He Stopped Worrying About Pleasing People – Russell

Hi everybody. My name is Russell Stadts. I'm an alcoholic. It's good to see you guys. It's such a privilege to be here. I don't have any bucket list, but I got rid of that. There's nothing I have to buy, no place I need to go, I don t need any more cruises or any more countries. The only thing I would say is on my bucket list. I need anything to make me feel okay or satisfied. mean really probably the only thing that i would say would be on a bucket list that actually gives me a great deal of joy is uh trying to carry the message that they're getting to meet other people and i i we have people from uh you know many different ages different experiences but i i've come to the opinion after being around i'm in my 46th year did i do something wrong no you didn't the microphone accidentally got turned off for a zoom and tried to reconnect it so we apologize but you can keep talking but uh but so i the only thing i have to share is my own experience and uh so i know that if we have like 45 people here or something like that i include the rooster I'm glad to see the roosters back I was worried that Colonel Sanders got a whole That rooster can feed probably the entire Southeast It's a beautiful rooster by the way It's gorgeous out here So in any event I know there's with all the different experiences Different ages Some people have 79, some people have 9 days Something like that No matter what I see You're going to each hear something different Maybe you'll hear nothing at all I don't know, but all I can do is tell my story and try to be as unfiltered as possible. So you don't have to like my story or agree with my story. It's my experience, and that's the best thing I could do. Not try to filter myself so that you'll like me or this one will like me or that one will not like me. Just basically talk about my experience. One of the things that's happened to me over the years, and believe me, over the year, doesn't come all at once. Because if I have a disease that centers in my mind, not my body, The drinking is supposed to simplify The drinking bill is very You know the drinking is a tough deal For a few years and then it just beats The crap out of you and if you get desperate enough Common grace And God's love And big book about Paul Sinopis And 12 and 12 and the fellowship Will actually allow you to be able to Stop drinking for a season For a little while Because a little bit will be 10 years or 20 years But I'm just telling you my experience You don't have to agree with it But the truth of the matter is, if you don't deal with the real disease, the real dis-ease that centers in your mind, not your body, and you just deal with a symptom, there'll come a time in your life where you'll have no defense against the first rank. You'll have low defense against The Anxiety. You'll had no defense gets The Fear. You'll know again, if defense gets the Self-Bity. It may happen in 20 years, it may happen 15 years. It may happened in five months. But somewhere along the line, this disease will catch up to you and we'll start resting on your walls and start thinking we've got this thing done and then all of a sudden stuff will start happening and it may be a slow decline you may not even notice it because one of the problems we have is I believe in the big book I know for a fact where they got the big books from and what it was influenced by and I do read the bible a lot that's the whole of the story, but the truth matters. The big book says very clearly that the one thing about this disease you can count on is we're delusional. We're delisional and insane. That's got to be a pretty good combination don't you think? And I've talked in enough venues all over the country different parts of the world with different people to know that we're basically sort of like twins. I mean, I've got people come up to me and I've got a black lady coming up to me who's 30 years older than me and has a different experience, and she looks at me and says, you're talking about me. Now I'm talking about me, obviously, but I know if I have a thought, if I have some sort of crazy-ass thought that I know nobody's ever thought before, I know if I just talk about it. It's like the old story. If a guy stands up in a meeting and says he's in love with a camel, five guys will stand up behind him and say they too are in love with camels. Everybody, we're basically the same. The best thing I could do is I've tried to talk in a transparent manner about what this program means to me, what I've done, what my experience has been. And that's what I'm going to try to do. So that's the deal. And if you got, you know, like it says in the Bible, you got ears to hear and eyes to see, maybe you'll get something out of it. You know, I think if you get just one thing out of a meeting, you know that's a big deal. If you changed your mind a little bit or you think about one thing, You may hear an hour talk or 40 minutes of talk. Just get one thing, and that's a big deal. And I still get these epiphanies every morning, every day. Something comes to me out of the blue, you know what I mean? And I wake up, and I see the program differently. I see myself differently than I've ever seen myself before, you Know what they say? If you're an alcoholic, I don't care whether you think you're delusional or not. The big book says you're a delusinal, so you can either agree with your own brain. My sponsor explained to me about my best thinking about getting here, and the problem is i was smart smart will kill you in this thing and one of the things that a has done me done for me is it's beaten me down to a state of being stupid but i've learned that you don't have to think it is highly overrated well i used to think a lot i mean i graduated with twangalong's mathematics went to my phd in algebraic topology lawyer all this sort of stuff and all it does did was allow me to rationalize without telling myself rational lines why is it seem good. I tell myself lies, like I don't care what other people think about me. My whole life is about spending money I don' have to buy things that I don''t even need because people are like, I didn''t like buying a car. If I only had that car, my whole life is about worrying about whether you're talking about me behind my back. And that's a crummy life. The bondage to booze. By the way, I say things sometimes that disturb people. I do it on purpose. I just can't help. I doing it on purposes. I think one the reason I do it on purpose is to at least if I have you walking away here being upset for the next week or two weeks, you know, I mean, it's sort of neat, but, you know, yeah, it''s easy. You know, it' s very hard to get everybody to like you. But let me tell you something, if you deal with that boss, it ''s a push to get a whole bunch of people to hate you. It''s just easy. And I was told that the spiritual axiom is whenever you're disturbed no matter what the cause there's something wrong with you so i'm here to disturb the uh department perfectly disturbed so we'll see how that works you walk away from your carrying a resentment i guess we'll have to do a fourth step or a tenth step and figure out why the hell you hate me and then you'll figure something out and then maybe part of what you figured out what i used to do is i figured out the reason i hated the guys because he was telling me the truth that i hated the truth i didn't like when he was telling me because i didn'y want to go where he was pointing me to i wanted to do it my way you know i didn''t want to do the way he did that's what pissed me off but then down the road a year or two or three i started doing it the way she was talking about and i started feeling better and then i come up to people and say i used to hate even now i love you and stuff like that so you know to get at these bondages I mean, I don't want to say the drinking's nothing, you know, but it really is the easiest thing. You may go through a lot of crap to get to the point where you're desperate enough. And God's desperate enough to do anything. You can get down on your knees and say, God help me. Desperate enough to pick up a white chip. Desperat enough to ask somebody to sponsor you. And desperate enough for you to be able to do something. Desperated enough to rely and worship the fellowship of Alphonse Anonymous or Bill Wilson or whatever it is with the steps or whatever, actually do them. and that'll keep you sober I think and I've seen this, I'm telling you what I've seen and what I know, you don't have to believe me I've seeing this and that will last about 5 years, 10 years 15 years and then it will catch up to you, you know every medallion you get will be a every medaglion you get will be a certificate that you are doing okay that you are dealing with something that you can carry God around like a rabbit's foot. Just rely on him or say the serenity prayer, just in case, just in place he's real, just in face there is a problem or maybe to make you feel better. But there will come a time where you'll have to get more serious about it. My time came at 10 years. Bill Wilson's time came in 20 years when he wrote The Next Frontier and Emotional Sobriety and said I got it all wrong. I got the whole thing wrong. This is why I'm just quoting him. I give him a lot of credit. I give Bill Wilson a lot of credit as the co-founder. Imagine this, the co‑founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. Everybody knew him. There wasn't anybody around that had more sobriety than him. And at 20 years of sobrietry he was going down the tubes. He'd gone through the LSD phase and he was doing the steps he was walking. He didn't stop going to me. He didn'T stop doing anything like that. that 20 Years of Sobriety, he's going down the tubes. He talks about it. You ought to read. I encourage everybody to read and reread and read 10 times. Continue to read what he said in the next lecture on emotional sobriety when he says, I've noticed that myself and other old-timers don't have emotional sobrietics. We pass a lot of the booze tests. We pass around – we pass a little bit of the not drinking, not drinking no matter what. that says, well, we just don't have emotional sobriety. And you're going to have to read that and see what he's talking about. We'll try to read between the lines. A lot of that thing has to do with reading between the line that he says. And he says, perhaps he says however he says the problem is how do you get rid of the anxiety? You know, it talks about being rocked into the fourth dimension of existence knowing heaven and go in peace. So let me ask you something. Have you guys figured out how to get rid of anxiety, control of a peaceful life and not let things bother you? You know, the big book says it says if you do this, they're right. And that was written when he had three and a half years sober and he wrote it down. That's why I think it was divinely inspired. He couldn't get it. He wrote it down but he didn't have it. That is what he talks about in The Next Frontier. It says we will lose fear of economic insecurity and fear of people. So what do you think that means when it says we'll lose fear of people? Are you scared of people Do you ever get worried about what people are thinking about you You ever don't share in an A meeting because you're worried about whether people will think you're stupid you ever shared an a meaning and then walk away and say man why did i say that i wonder what they're saying they're thinking about you ever think that people are thinking about you whatever you have you ever have thoughts like that worrying about that does that be an aa to be on the outside world you know the big book says lose fear of people what does that how does that happen how do you do that i can get rid of this anxiety or fear it says in book it says uh it's the corrosive fear that runs through our lives it also says in the step 7 it says humility is the basis of all our steps did you know that? it says humanity is the number one thing in all the steps whatever humility is whatever it is, I don't know I used to sit in the back of the room and I would see a guy like me supposedly doing the steps and talking to people and I'd say man that guy's so cool shit He thinks he's something He thinks He really knows something What an egomania They ought to have Me up there They oughta listen to me I'm talking about the thoughts I used to have Of course I would never be up there Because I had nothing to say and I'd be scared shitless Anyway Because that man has never He's never spoken in front of a chief to 40 or 200 or 2,000 people. He doesn't have any idea what talking in front of people and playing yourself and helping yourself like he doesn't know what that feels like. Because he has no idea what humility is. He doesn'T know what it's like to talk in front of people and let them know about yourself and your innermost thoughts and being able to do that because you're not trying to show off or anything you're just trying to help them i don't know what that takes that may take a little bit i'm not worried about it i'm worried about when the people and he doesn't know about that stuff but that was me in the back of the room you know criticizing the other guy because when they're an outlaw like me what you do is you talk behind other people behind other peoples back and you criticize them because when you when deep down inside you know you're nothing. You're never going to be anything but a nothing. You know you are a piece of shit. The best way to make yourself feel better is to put down somebody to gossip about something behind their back. And that's why you do it. Say you know that guy Russell. He says, oh yeah he is an idiot. And that way you see because what happens is when you have no self esteem no God esteem what happens when you talk about other people it makes you feel superior. It makes you feel like you're something. You know what I mean? So that's why we do it. That's why you can't stop talking about other people and thinking about other People. But of course, if you're delusional, which we are, this is part of the insanity and the disease. When you're Delusional you can separate the truth from the false. It's like that movie, The Truth You Can't Handle. You can't handle the truth. When you are Delusinal you can not separate the true from the False. Your Alcoholic Life, in fact, what does it mean your Alcoholic life? It doesn't necessarily mean to close your way. Your alcoholic thinking, the way you think seems comfortable, seems normal to you. To think otherwise, you say things like, well, you don't understand. If it happened to you, you'd feel the same way. If it happens to you ,you'd feel in the same way. And the truth is every once in a while, like Bill Wilson said, he said, but every once and a while when he wrote that book, The Next Frontier, that essay that was published with a great mind, he He said, but every once in a while in AA, you run into these people, you know. These people that seem to have made it, seem to Have got to some place, you Know, some sort of release, some place where they've made it. And he says, perhaps the people, since I see it happening to some people in AA, will be the spearhead for the next major development in alcoholics and It doesn't say what the next major development is, but I'll tell you one thing he says. He says in a letter, he says, talking about Dr. Bob, he says, Dr. Bob, the 12th Club says, humility is the basis of all our steps unless you develop some humility. Humility to do the third step, the humility to do the fourth step, humility to go into a meeting in the first place, The humility to raise your hand and say, I've got nine days. That takes a lot of humility. It really does. The humility to pick up a white chip in front of a bunch of people and sort of like declare, you know, stand up and say I need help. You know, to me that takes a lot of humility but he says unless you have some humility you'll never get sober. You need some humility to get sober but unless you develop much more of this precious commodity you'll be you'll never be happy. what's it like to uh be sober and unhappy with your surprise you know the big book that says it says every once in a while form a drink that says feel better look better have a better time says we laughed at that you know i mean i've said it everybody said this is great you laugh at that why would you say you laugh at somebody saying i feel better i look better he says and then he says I never understood when I first read it, I never understood that. I would think if somebody comes in and says man this is the greatest thing in the world I feel better, I look better, I said that's what you want but what they say what he actually says you laugh at that Sally whoever Sally is it's a statement because you know he'll try the old dead again because he's not happy with his survival soon he'll know loneliness as few do but wish for the end to be at the jumping off place now don't get me for saying it that's what bill wilson says and i didn't understand that until i met a gal who said man i'm doing great this is the greatest thing in the world this is fantastic this is great this i'm never going to stop going to meetings and then i saw her well at this meeting and i the third time i saw he says you know i won't be here next week because i'm going to my sister's wedding in Tampa and I said well you know I want to tell you something. I said you know you only got like three weeks and they're going to be drinking at the wedding. It's your sister. She's going to be drinking. I'm not going to tell you where to go or whatever it is but I'm just going to tell you this it's dangerous out there so be careful. Try to find somebody to go with you. Whatever the heck I said. And she said to me don't worry. I never drank at a camp You know what I mean? Assume somebody says, I ain't never drinking again. I've never said that line. Every person I've ever heard say, I'm never going to drink again. Drinks. If you said it, watch out. You know why? Because they're not powerless, no doubt. They're not powerless, so wrong. They're not even powerless. So, I mean, if they haven't done the first step, it was out here understand what college means and so that's what she said to me a few years later i saw back in the meeting she didn't have teeth she was pretty girl but you're not that pretty when you lose your teeth because she got dropped into weddings nationally with three couple of squad cars and lost her teeth on the steering wheel but she felt better it looked bad then i realized man i'll tell you when people start getting too excited about being sober you know sometimes that means that they're about They're about to go out, Bill. I mean, you know, that kind of thing. So I don't know whether Bill Wilson's right or wrong. But I know he wrote this chapter and he said, Bob Smith was far humbler than I was, far humbbler than I was. And there came a time in my life of 10 years, you know, for Bill Wilson, it was 20 years. I know people that it happens at 35 years where the time comes in their life that they've done all the steps, they're going to all the meetings. uh they've done everything and they're continuing to they're sponsoring everybody where it's no longer working for them then you're not even realizing it's no longer important one of the things about being delusional if you're an alcohol because you don't you know you don t see that there's a lot of things you don' t see which has something to do with the fourth step you know and something to deal with the four steps this great line out of the bible i like i'll get my spirituality from wherever i can read And, you know, Dr. Bob said, you know, there came a time in my life where I stopped, I didn't stop focusing on worshiping Gil Wilson. I don't worship any person. But there came to a time where I really started focusing on Dr. Bobsman. He was not a, he just got, you know, we talked about that, you know, Bill started off with a big spiritual experience. I had a spiritual experience and he said this line, alcoholics number three, Bill Dotson. You know, that's the guy, the man over there. He said in Apostle Thomas number three. You can check this out. He said, I knew there was something. I knew it was something like what? Oh, hey John. How do you do? You stalking me? What are you doing? He said he said I knew there was there was something more, something I hadn't got. A release, a happiness, a suffering person ought to have. And one day Bill was at my house. This was shortly after he got out and he had this experience. And Bill said, he said, you know, the Lord has been so wonderful today. The Lord has done so wonderful to me. You know, so curing me, that's what he said. Curing me of this terrible disease that I have to keep talking about it and telling other people. two months later he was talking to Henrietta Seidel and he said I think we have to stop talking about God and religion two months earlier he said I think you have to stop talking you know what Henrietta said to him because for the first four years all they did was read the Bible you know if you want to know really haven't seen Prince Phil that's what they do but two months ago he said that to Henriette Seidel and Henrietta seidel said Bill the only reason you're sober to speak less of God. You've got to stop worrying about pleasing alcoholics that were pleasing themselves all their lives. You've gotta stop worrying about pleasing God. If you don't talk about God and what he's done for you and the things he's does for you, you might as well be in a row with God. And she says, finally, Bill agreed. I'm not sure he really ever totally agreed with that thing. And at the big book, that particular thought is captured in a paragraph, and I'm not sure people ever read it or understand it. It says we never apologize for God. All men of faith have courage. You know what that means? That means we never apologise for God, and I don't apologise for talking about it, since all men of face have courage, I guess courage has to do with doing things you don't want to do, even though they're scary, but you do them anyway. I mean, courage may have something to do with not worrying about what other people think about it. Since all men of faith have courage, they trust their God. They trust their God. Instead, they let him demonstrate through our testimonies, through our stories what he's done to them and what he has done for us. And then we start beginning to outgrow fear. How would you like to have a fearless life? How would you like to have life that you don't worry about when you're wearing it? You don't want to worry about where it matches. You don't worry about what car you're driving. You don'T say things like, if I only had this, I'd be okay. If I only have this woman, I'll be okay, if only had a husband, I would be okay If I had only a boyfriend, I will be okay If I have only had the car, I'm going to be okay If I was only making more money, I be okay Instead of saying that to yourself How would you like to just be okay? How about just being okay? No matter what your clothes are, no matter what the bank is, you think that's attainment? It out bumps an honest and just be okay. I mean, what difference does it make if you don't make a difference in people's lives if you can't tell... Because people in AA are not worried about drinking. There may be a few people worried about... I mean there's a time where you got to worry about drinking, you gotta take this thing serious because you don' want to drink again. But people don't come to meetings because of their drinking. They may say they come to the meetings because they're drinking. They come to meetings because maybe they'll hear something, and they won't have to be so scared. Maybe they'll here something, they don't have wake up at 3 o'clock in the morning worrying about how they're going to feel. Maybe they can come to Outbox and not worry about it. Other people are thinking about what's going to happen in the future or what happened in the past. Maybe they didn't get the real dis-ease that centers in our mind, not our body. And I think one of the reasons it takes years to really sort of – I'm not even going to say get this thing because I haven't got it yet. But I think one of the reasons it takes you is because it takes a lot of – you need a live alcoholic working the program of recovery and being hammered, hammered by life, by the vagaries of life. You know, I don't know. Have you guys noticed that life is not easy? Have you noticed that just because you're sober, you know, the personal part and sometimes you get – Have you noticed that you can be sober and still get cancer? Maybe some of you guys are young, you don't know this. Have you notice that people die, that people betray you, that all the shit that was happening to you before you stopped drinking, have you noticed it hasn't stopped at all? You haven't noticed that in this world? So how are you going to cure yourself in this role? How are you gonna wear the life like a loose garment? I mean, are you interested? you know so i think by going through something like that the meat grinder like what the israelites have to go to get the promised land there's only it was only three three weeks away you know they 40 years god because they were following god because he was beating the crap out of somebody finally got there they had an experience what it's like to say they walked out of egypt with a slave mentality they walked in the protest land they were willing to rape pillage and run they were mean they had gone through 40 years you got to go through a long time in this draft before you even see what alcoholism looks like you know if you've been around for 20 years you know and you haven't seen what this disease actually looks like because the things that happen to you and things that's going on your brain and i'll tell you something you got i don't know what it is you're gonna have to come out of your bedroom and see what's actually going on well because if there's one thing you learn is you learn how real insanity is and how it works on you after five years 10 years or 15 years dealing with this world that's why we have sponsors that's while we have meetings that's what we need to to hear this stuff it's not all fun some guy said some guy who said to me once i was sitting you're having a dinner after meeting he said he said what he said yeah he said i said how'd you like to meet he said oh yeah it was great i really liked it but what do you guys do for fun and i didn't have a heart to tell them this was like the this is like it man listen i know you're looking for the dancing girls you know what i mean you know and you're you're lucky to go to the you know the strip parlor or whatever it is i know this is it in aa and i don't know how to tell you i'm having a great time whoa man i'll tell you this is rough but we're delusional you know we don't see the things that are right in front of me i had to see a lot of things you learn a lot of stuff about the area and you learn by doing it by being around the chickens here uh i don't know when he's left a lot because i just want to do this for him because i keep on seeing the chicken and i'm thinking i think god wants to tell wants me tell you my chicken story i got a chicken story though i had a major uh a major shift of my thinking about so i'm gonna by the way this is a four-stepping i'm going to talk about the fourth step that's going to take me two minutes okay so i'll say how does it force that two million and uh how i did before step in two minutes and of course I believe if you do the fourth step the way I did the fourth steps, it's going to be incredible. The only way to do the four steps. So I'm going to tell you in two or three minutes how to do the first step from a guy who didn't want to do it. Because I would always use the outlaw code when I'd say... I remember I said to my sponsor, I said, this thing ain't working. It ain't workin' for me. I was having a nervous episode. You ever wake up nervous? I was havin' a nervous epitope. I said his name worked. He said, what do you mean it's not workin'? He says, it stopped workin'. I don't know. I feel funny. He says what do ya mean? He says, I know. I'm doing everything. I'm going everything and it's not working for me. I was having a bad moment or something, you know? I don't know. Traffic or something. And he said, well, you're probably one of the rare ones. You know, I said, the rare one? He said, yeah, you are rare. It's not work for you. You've done everything. It's no work for me anymore. And I said what's the rare on? I was kind of happy about it because I knew I was unique. you don't understand you think I have a drinking problem but I just drink because I have problems my drink matches, I was always unique and he said no they talk about him at meetings every meeting you go to they talk about the rare people I said I think a lot of meetings I've never heard him talk he says what are you talking about it helps to get a sarcastic snarky sponsor some people need obnoxious I said, well, don't they say rarely have you seen a person feel this thoroughly followed our path? I said yeah. He says, well there are people that do everything and it doesn't work for them. Rarely have I seen, he says, but they're rare people. He says yeah. He says you're obviously one of those people because you just told me you're doing everything and it's not working. I said yes. So you really need to leave ahead. I mean, that's what he told me. He says, you need to leave AA because AA doesn't work for you. And I'm looking at him. I didn't even have any words to say. I didn' t know whether he was serious or not. I was almost going to cry because his A is the only one. Don't tell me that you're doing it. Have you done your four-step? Well, no. You know what I mean? But you see, here's the deal. Why do we do the four-stepped? Why are we delusional? So I believe, I absolutely believe, like I'm taking a polygraph test, that I was doing everything and AA didn't work for me. And 30 seconds later, he said, did you do the fourth step? And I said, no, I lied to myself. I lied about not worrying about what people think about me. I lied myself about everything. I'm a liar. You know, that's me. If you're not, I used to say to my sponsor, I wouldn't want to hold hands during the serenity or say God or something for a few moments once a long time ago. He said, why would you? He says, I don't want to be a hypocrite. I'm not a hypocrate. You know, what's a hypocrisy? Somebody who says one thing and does another thing. I am not a hypocrite! And he looked at me and said, too late. He said Russell, you busted hypocrite ten years before you came to town. You've been a hypocrit all your life. You know? you know you're so full of shit you know what I mean your best thinking got you I was so up there with the degrees and all the bullshit he says listen you're a liar you have no idea what the truth is Dr. Bob said the books we found absolutely essential were 1st Corinthians 13, Sermon on the Mount and the Book of James he said those are books that are absolutely essential in order to stay sober well I should say I do it says really I'm St. Prince Bill he said first things first seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness all things to be added unto you it says God has to be the central factor of your life there is no middle of the road what do you think that means that God has been the central fact of your world what's the central fact in your life the blonde in the front row looking at women money property prestige what's the central part of your what does it mean to be the central needs you're always thinking about that's the one thing you always think about before you think of anything else that's what i think said the fact means unless you want to rationalize tell yourself rationalize and say well that's not what that's your problem that's my program my program is it's not going to set you didn't really mean that that's like an exaggeration that's a total exaggeration of us you know all this other stuff my life my family that's in such a fact we got you know it's there you know what i mean oh so why don't they just say it that way instead said why did they say there's no what does What does it mean when they say there's no middle-of-the-road solution? What should decision want to be? What's your decision? Make a decision. What do they mean when we say, but we couldn't do it, there is one who has all power. May you find him now. There is one that has an all problem, may you find them now. What does that mean? It doesn't say the reason why it has about 65% of power if you have like 35%, what does it mean? What does it mean when you say a mere statement of moral, if merely rules or regulations or some sort of moral priority would have helped us, we'd be sober a long time ago but it never helped us because we lack the power and there is, we lack the power. There is one who has all power. Therefore we wrote a book, you know, we lacked the power so therefore we wrote this book and it's the whole book is about you finding that power that has all power whether you've got 46 years whether you got 22 months whether you have 9 days and then of course we have to talk about God and there are people that can't even in Alcoholics Anonymous after all that, can't даже say the word God it sticks in their throat higher power they can't ever say it because they're so worried that what happens if they have to do that? You know what a person like that is? That's an agnostic. You know how I know it's an agnestic? Because the big book says therefore, of course, we have to talk about God. Therefore, we have to talked about God. It even says one thing you're supposed to when you share is each alcohol and its own language, its own point of view, talks about how we build the relationship with God. The last page in the book says your real reliance has to be on god who will show you how to create the fellowship we pray he will even show you who you're going to hang out with and who you hang out when you listen to us who you are going to be we'll show you that see what relationship with him is right a great event for you you will meet some of us not all of us most of us you won't be in the fellowship of the spirit whatever that is it's different than the scholarship you know if it says all that okay and then the last thing it says chapter of the gospel says this it says therefore we wrote a book where of course we're going to talk about god and here the problem arises with agnostics you see you start understanding alcohol code how appalls think and how alcohols talk because they don't talk in lies they don't know they're lying because they talk in code like you asked just like my i once said my sponsor asked me he says when are you gonna be forced up And I said, I'm working on it. I'm working on it. It's been six months. I'm workin' on it I'm workedin' on it It's alcohol code for leaving the fuck alone I ain't never gonna do that again You know, I know that because when I did the first step when I didn't force that it took me three hours When I sat down and I did it it took three hours You're probably working on the great American novel I don't know I just didn't I didn't hate that many people, you know what I mean? Right off the bat. You're not going to do the perfect one. How about the top ten? You know what it means? Start there. You can always add on. You can also add on to the top 10. You can do a crummy fourth step. I know it's perfect. You can go ahead and do a perfect fourth step and say, I've got it now. I did a perfect fourth step and you'll be drunk, you know, six years later or something. I'll tell you how to do a probably fourth step and stay sober for four to six years. You take your choice what you like to do. Well, you guys think you're going to do this perfectly? You're not going to screw up all the time. That's the deal. So all I know is I was bitching and moaning about the fourth step. One of the lines in one of the books they say to read is, let me say 1 Corinthians 13. if you ever look it up, one of the lines they have in there is they say, we see through a glass darkly. Whatever that means. That was written 2,000 years ago. We see as outlawed through a glass darkling. You know what that means? It says another part, it says, we are like men and women who look at ourselves in the mirror and see ourselves and walk away and forget what we look like. I want you to think about a mind in an alcohol that can see something about themselves and become clear about themselves and then walk away and forget what they look like They can see a defective character they can see some things and then they can walk away and forget what they looked like and end up drinking it That's how delusional alcoholics are Insane We don't think so. We don' t think we are, and of course, we don' d like anybody criticizing us. You know, I'm not criticizing you. I'm talking about me. I'm telling you what I've seen. And so I'm going to be... So what happens is when you really stop working, when you stop working and when you rest on your laurels, you can rest on the laurels when you got time. You can rest in your laurel when you get done. You can resting on your Laurels is nothing more than I feel okay. you know i'm doing okay i'll just sort of when you're not doing something you're supposed to do maybe you're exposed to the fourth step but you have to do four steps so you just go to more meetings because somehow it would mean you feel better so you don't drink so maybe you don t for 20 years and then you finally drink because you're supposedly doing something else that you don' t want to do maybe there's something you' re supposed to d that you don't want to do. So instead of doing that, you just go to four meetings a week instead of three meetings a day. In other words, we substitute in, we print, we do our own program. God forbid you get an outlaw that tells you to do shit you don'T want to know or embarrasses you or sarcastic with you or something like that. And so I found myself in a situation because I did stall on the fourth step. Yeah, I did balk on the first step you know and i found myself in a situation where i would go to meetings and i would say this is what i would stay at meetings which was honest you know quite frankly now that i think about it i'd say i feel terrible i feel horrible i'm not feeling well it's not working for me something's wrong and and and i know i'm supposed to do the fourth step you know my sponsor you say if an alcohol uh you haven't talked enough he'll confess yeah just listen to him they'll confess you know they'll say blah blah blah i know she i know i should be going to more meetings and they'll keep on talking i'll say whoa what let's go let's can we wind it back a second too how many means you're going to it so well that's not really the problem i said no no do you remember what you just said i know I should be gone to more me can we go back to that thing well no I got more things to say I said no let's look back to That Thing I know I Should Be Going To More Meetings they confess and then they say why you really mean they confess and they try to take back their confession You know what I mean? Because they don't want you to actually hear that. They accidentally slipped and told you what they're really doing, you know? That's what they do. Okay. So I went to this meeting and I said, I know I should be doing my forceps. And some guy, after I did that 10 million times, a guy named Henry, never saw him again, said, you Know what you ought to do? He says, Know what? He says. You need to pick up a pencil. It doesn't sound too profound, right? And I said, he said, go home tonight and pick up a pencil. Pick up a pen. You know, I had been told to do the fourth step a million times. I've been told right away. Nobody's ever told me to pick up the pencil. I know this sounds stupid to you, but I'm just telling you what exactly. I'm not making this stuff up. I went home that night. I opened up the big book. I picked up a pensel. I got a pad. And I started writing the bill. In chapter five, there's a freaking chart, you know, because we're so brilliant. There's a chart. I mean, I'm talking about multivariable calculus, but I didn't, I never saw, I saw the chart, but it ain't quite, there's a chart. It takes you through it like you're stupid, you know? Because I was. And it says, give me a chance to present this. My cousin Valerie, you now, why? Bitch, never suffered. She's a rich, she's always started, she got all this money and blah, blah, blah, what does it affect? And then I drew, it has all the things. It tells you, does it impact your self-esteem, your security, your sexual life, blah. and before I was done within 10 minutes I had 15 names on that thing you know man, I just vomited it out and then you read a little more it talks about how you look at the names how you stare at the name so it's going to be close to this or that and it says okay, forget what they did to you it says what was your fault in this and I hadn't looked back over there oh yeah, this guy didn't see he says yeah, but I kept on gossiping about him And you start putting down your faults. And it says, well, put down your fears. Well, that was actually not that difficult. You know, fear of being broke, fear of being alone, fear or being home. You know? All the fears here. People talking about me, rejecting me. That was not that different, folks, okay? Then let's talk about the sexual stuff. You know what I mean? Whenever I use sex and romance, I start writing that stuff. Three hours later, I was done. Done in time to go to the 830 meeting. Well, you know what I said at 8.30 in the evening? I said, I've done my four-step. You know? It was probably, you know, two weeks later, I thought I'd let stuff out of the four-stepped. So I put down that name and everything. You know, I said it's simple. Two hours right out of the big book. I have guys that do a fifth step with and they'll do a fifth step. And I say, bring your fourth step. They'll bring me a fourth step. I'll say, when did you do that? I told you I'd do it. Do it out of that book. Does that work for me? So I'm going to tell them they want to get the new model, the Hazelton. When they find that, they do a pathology, some sort of autopsy on their entire life. Everything about it, I mean, did you ever rape a chicken or whatever the hell it is they got in there? You know what I mean? And they said, we've got this thing called the basic text. It's the big book of alcohol synopsis, our basic text, and it worked for Bill Wilson and Dr. Mott. Why don't we try that one first, okay? and they can do the new and approved model like everybody's trying to improve on AA. You know what I'm trying to do? They're going right in the new big book, you know what I mean? I'm going left and reverse trying to deal with what they were doing between 1935 and 1939. So that's my model. Do what they were doing back then. So I mean, that's how I did the fourth step. Worked for games, so I'm just suggesting it. That's all I have to say. All right, guys. Recovery Inspiration is sitting right there waiting for you. Rocketed.org AA Speaker Recordings brings real voices and real stories straight to your ears. Subscribe now so you never miss a new recording dropping. Keep that motivation on tap and help spread the word. Hit subscribe and let recovery find you every single day.