Step 4: Identifying the Old Ideas That Make You a Pain in the A*s – Katie P.

Hi, y'all. I'm Katie Parker. I'm a grateful, recovered alcoholic. Hi, Katie. God almighty, the never-ending raffle. And you know what? I've got to be honest with you. When you don't have a raffle ticket, you want it over now. Just a little manifestation of self right there. And then I just thought it would be great if somebody who won the raffle would come take one of these step signs. I'd like to thank everybody for inviting me to be here to speak. It's always a huge honor, Leanne, and the whole crew. And then I got a ton of gals from AR that knew me from me going out to Austin Recovery every week. And it is just wonderful to be asked to speak. I really take that as a huge honor. To do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous, don't get me wrong, is a big honor. But you compare this to making coffee, it's not even. You know what I mean? And I still do it with gusto, but I really do feel like I'm an agent up here. You know, in the book it says that I am an agent of God's, and I really believe I've got a duty to carry a message that's got depth and weight. And I've been sober since October the 28th of 1984. And I don't know if you guys picked up on this, but that is five and a half months longer than my husband. And that... You know, people say time doesn't matter. Oh, yes, it does. Oh, yes, it does. And in our house, I just say to him when he's having a little trouble, honey, it'll make more sense in about five and a half months. It'll come to you. You know, and I tell you, Charlie spoke last night. Did he do a fabulous job? And we have so much fun. We absolutely love Alcoholics. Anonymous. But he got those chocolates, you know. And so we go to the IHOP, and I do really good. I have my egg whites. I'm a fitness professional, have been forever, and I know my arms look good. Thank you very much. But I do carry an amazing AA message. I saw some receiving lines. It's like, your arms are fabulous. And you're like, did you hear the message of Alcoholics. Anonymous? So I'm eating the egg whites. I'm doing really good. We get home to those, you know, chocolates that are clearly filled with crack. Oh, my God. I pop about six of those babies, and I mean, I am humming. And I haven't had that feeling in 26 years. And, you know, you remember when you'd go to bed on outside issues that were the ones lifting you up, and your pillow got about the size of a marshmallow? You know, you're just pulling it down. I mean, my pillow's about that big. I'm thinking, ah. And then you got Carl next door listening to some God-awful movie, and you can hear this. Ah! Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. I'm like, oh, my God. I am never going to sleep, man. Oh! It was, he told me, he goes, it was the bloodiest ninja movie. And I thought, at one point, I wasn't quite sure what it was. But, you know, no, I knew, I knew. But, you know, guys, too, I got to tell you, this platform, I like being up. I'm, you know, 5'3", and I like being up. But this is almost like the river dance. Isn't it? It's like, stay in your space, do not move. I, um, the home group is the primary purpose group. We study the book line by line, word by word, and it's a blast. Let me tell you. Line by line, word by word is a whole different thing than a big book study where you read two paragraphs and share your experience. That's another way to do it. But the way we do it is we talk about the way the book was written. We study the book as written, not so much our experience with it. There's a place for experience. I'm not against that, trust me. But when you start figuring out how the book, how the book is laid out, changes the dynamics of the first step. The first step is not about what I'm powerless over. You know, I mean, when I was sponsoring and I had no idea what I was doing, I'd have you write down everything you're powerless over. And then you start studying the book, and the book says you won't be able to remember a week or a month ago the pain and suffering. You're screwed. So that list you wrote, ain't going to help you. And so I'm thinking, oh, my God, so this is all in this book? You know? So I feel like the kind of person who came into Alcoholics Anonymous dying on the vine with long-term sobriety, and I'm kicking the book around. I have no idea that the solution is sitting right there in front of me. Kind of like those people in third world countries who won't eat the oxen because it's against their religion, and they're starving to death. And you see the bull walk by, you're like, kill it, eat it. It's right there. I have two beautiful children. They're 32 years old. My daughter. My daughter, April, is 32. My son is 22. We just had our third grandbaby. I know. God almighty. And being a grandparent is the best. It is God's do-over for us drunks. I'm telling you what. You get to do it all over. And I swear, little Max is almost five now, and he'll come up to me, and he's like, Graham, man, can I have a popsicle? I'm like, before dinner? Five or six of them, honey. I have no longer. I don't care. I'm getting you a car when you're 16. The nicest car I can get you. I mean, I swear, I am just like, spoil them rotten. I'm all about that. I'm 53 years old. I take getting old as a privilege. You know, there's a lot of people who, you know, this getting old is hell. You're like, man, dude, you better get a better attitude on that baby, because it's good. You know, and, you know, I love getting old. I mean, you know, the beauty is, is that I got a brain, and I got a life, and the book says the best years of our existence lie ahead. They don't say they suck, you know, and, I mean, you know, you got to really listen to what you're saying, you know, because if you go out into life with a really bad attitude, you kind of make all that happen for you, and I'm a perfect example of that. You'll hear in my story. I am like drinking out of a fire hose. I'm going to tell you right here, right now, I take this program serious. I do. I absolutely love Alcoholics Anonymous, but I do not screw around when it comes to the program. The program is life or death. This is not about worrying about if I'm going to hurt your feelings. I'd rather step on your toes and stand on your grave, and you'll hear in my story why I take that so passionate. And so I am not about, you know, well, people will say, you know, well, it's a program of attraction rather than promotion. That's at the level of press, radio, and film. You know, that's for me. For me, in this place out here, not to be screaming the F word down the hallway. See, we're trying to be of attraction. But in Alcoholics Anonymous, it's practicing these principles in all my affairs. My job is to bring the message, the true message of the program to you. And if it upsets you, here's the good news. We have a step. It's the fourth step. And you get to do that on me. And then you get to see your problems everywhere. And then you get to see what I'm making. Not mine. Isn't that good stuff? God darn it. And I really do hope I don't offend you. That is not my mission. I grow in understanding and effectiveness. And I take it lightheartedly in that area. But please do understand that this is a disease that not only kills alcoholics, but it kills people who don't have it. See, we kill others. And I'm not talking drunk driving. We can run an untreated Al-Anon into the ground. We can destroy our children that don't have it. We can destroy our children that don't have this disease. And this is serious stuff, right? It's not a self-help program. You know, this is not all about, you know, being a life coach and rah, rah, sis, boom, bah. You know, sometimes you go into an AA meeting and you think, geez, I didn't even hear solution. You talk about your divorce one more time in this meeting and I'm throwing my coffee on you. You know what I mean? God Almighty carry the solution, not the disease. And I was the one sitting in an AA meeting raising my hand. I just couldn't wait to talk about myself. My son being a troublemaker. Just couldn't wait, couldn't wait, couldn't wait. Because I wasn't using the program of Alcoholics Anonymous the way it's supposed to be used. And I really, really believe, guys, that when, another thing that I learned is when I need a meeting, I'm not really working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous either. See, I don't need a meeting. I needed a meeting when I had no program. And I had to come to an AA meeting and hope you were going to give me a pearl of wisdom. Because, man, this pressure cooker was about to blow. And what I realized is today I bring, I come to find that new drunk. I come to carry the solution. I take my problems to my sponsor. Yeah. And so my sponsor goes, you know, Katie, you got a unique knack of getting them to laugh. And then you go, been like that all my life. I am, I'm the baby of three. We were all born in the 50s. You know, God Almighty, I love saying that. You guys born in the 60s. But I love that I made the 50s. And I was born in 1958. And we were all two years apart. That's just the way it works. You know, the program tells me I need to share a little bit about, you know, what I was like, what happened, and what I'm like now. And I believe that's what happened with God. And I share very little of my drunk story. I want to warn you about that right ahead. I am a woman out there drinking. I think we know how that looks. It can get really ugly. I'm not a big fan of sharing about, a whole lot about what my life looked like drinking. But I will tell you something. When I drink, the drink takes me. And there is no telling where I'm going to end up. I trigger that allergy and I can't stop. And so I can guarantee you that I have got some horrific stories. Now the other thing though is that alcoholism started long before I found the drink. That's the part, so some people say, you know, your childhood, you know, get over it. That was then. This is now. I'm sorry I disagree strongly with you. My childhood is where I came up with all my old ideas. I went through life picking and choosing what I liked, what I didn't like. Men should be, kids are, parents shouldn't be, the government is, you know. And I just stuck it in my back pocket. Then I get sober and I got all these old belief systems, right? Old ideas, old beliefs, prejudice, pre-judgements, whatever you want to call them. But the only way I'm going to find those is in the third column of the fourth, four column inventory. Is how, what my causes are. How these affect my self-esteem. How these affect my pride. Otherwise I've got no idea. I've got no idea what I'm operating out of here. Self-manifested in various ways is what caused our problems. We've got to get down to the causes and conditions. Oh yeah, I'm selfish and self-centered, but why? What is it that makes that go off? I am a strong-willed woman and I bug the crap out of certain men. Charlie goes, I've never seen it before, Katie. You can walk up to some men and they just instantly take a disliking to you. I haven't even said anything. I'm like, I know, it's unbelievable, isn't it? And he goes, and you know what? And they're stupid. They say stupid stuff. I said, I know. It's unbelievable. Now, here's the deal. Obviously something in me is bugging the crap out of you, right? And I don't know what it is. Heck, that's your inventory, not mine. And trust me, the minute I say it, have you ever been around that person that's just a smartass right out of the gate to you? Oh, come on. I thought this was the PTA for a minute there. So, that's what I'm talking about. I don't even know they're my old ideas until you bug me. Why is it certain people walk up to you and just bug the crap out of you right out of the gate? Well, let's look at the old ideas. What is that about them? Let's dig it up, man. Let's figure it out. I'm a kid. I'm two and along. And I know that I don't feel like I fit in. My brother's four years older. My sister's two years older than me. I knew I didn't fit in. I always had to do... I had to overachieve. That was me, man. I mean, I'm telling you, I was the best at sports. I was the kid that everybody knew was in the room. I was not the quiet one. Self does not manifest in me as a submissive woman. Not me. And so I'm loud. I was my mother's favorite in school. I was all these things and more. And then my mother gets very, very sick. And I was my mother's favorite. And my sister was my dad's favorite. And my brother was Bing Crosby. You know. Bow tie, little white hat, you know. And we were upper middle America. And I'm like Charlie. My family was a blast, man. Booze was fun in my household. And my dad was an ex-professional football player. Played for the Steelers only one year. But that's our claim to fame. We had the entire Buffalo Bills at our house one time. I mean, it was... It was... The atmosphere was fun. Drinking was a blast. And that's not the case in most people's alcoholic homes. So I always knew that I was going to be a partier, right? And have fun. My mother gets sick. Beautiful woman. And the next thing you know, she passes away. And it was just very unexpected. And I'm eight years old. And my dad, at that point, in an 18-month period, my father remarried three times. Yeah. Six weeks he had the first gal in the house. She was only there for a weekend. But he was, if you remember, he was quite the player. And then we had four live-in housekeepers. So we basically had seven women. Yeah. My brother tells me some stories that he saw. Whatever. So we had these... This many women come through my house. Now let me tell you what. That's going to affect my old ideas. I had my upbringing made me watch what was going on. And I could never quite figure it out. But I can tell you something. When I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, I would have told you that what made me alcoholic is that my mother died. And my dad was quite the player. And he married a lot of women. And if you had lived in that household, you would have had to drink too. And I swear, I believed that for years. I knew I had them, but didn't really get them. I always heard that the first drink is not enough and a hundred is too many or vice versa. So I always just knew that there was something wrong with me. But I really thought it was my upbringing. So I did a ton of counseling. I did all of that stuff when I got into AA. And that's all real good and well. But boy, it made me sick too. But I'm getting a little ahead of myself. So I was in the second grade when my mother died. And it was devastating. I can tell you that. But it was all about we're going to have fun. My dad turned the music up. Life got great in the household. Everybody was going to have fun. So another old idea I have is it's all going to be good. It's going to be great. It's going to be great. Don't have a bad feeling. No bad feelings. Nobody can have a bad feeling. And that will kill you. You've got too much bad feeling going on. And so I am, you know, so how self manifests, I don't know. I know me. I'm very clear on how it manifests for me. So I start drinking about 11 or 12. And I'll never forget the first time I took a drink standing at my dad's bar. Remember, alcohol just flowed in my house. So man, I'm sitting there. We did a depth charge is what we called it where you mixed all the booze and you just drank it down. Burnt like crazy. And I actually don't even have any memories of throwing up. I loved it. I loved it, loved it, loved it. And for my buddy, big old hyperventilator. I hyperventilated too as a kid. I loved that. You know, you choke each other until you pass out. That sounds like fun. Lob that out of the PTA meeting. See how well that goes over. People are like, you did what? And you know, that moment when you're coming back is the dope. That's the feeling I love. I burnt my life down for that feeling. And so, I start drinking. Well, you know, booze is not easy to get. You can get a lot of outside issues. I grew up in Houston, Texas. You can get a lot of outside issues young. Easy. Still can today. But it's harder to get booze. So we had to sit in front of the 7-Eleven. And my favorite was waiting for the creepy guy. You know, you had to wait. A couple of, two or three girls. And creepy guy had to be about 35 or 36. Now I'm 12 and 13. And I'm waiting for creepy guy. And all of a sudden, there's my mark. And I go up to him and say, Hey, can you buy us some booze? Boone's Farm. You know, anything you can get in there. And he goes, I sure can. Now the hardest thing in the world you had to do was get rid of creepy guy. Quickly. And let me tell you, creepy guy is in this room. Right here. Right now. Yeah. Don't you try to fool me. And now here's the other thing about creepy guy though. The biggest thing was to get rid of him. Now he was in a car and you were on the bike. So you're going to head to the woods as quick as you can. And you know, it's like trying to get a booger off your finger. You gotta be quick, man. It's one for all and all for one. Just get in those woods fast. But here's the thing guys. I want you to just think about this. Let's fast forward into Alcoholics Anonymous today. We got a real problem with people thinking that the men are the predators in AA. You're not. You're not the predator. We women are. I'm the little 12 and 13 year old girl who's finding my mark to get the booze. And so what's happening is we're believing that we can't handle some boy in AA. Some sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Back up dude. If you touch me one more time like that I'll take your hand off. So we girls need to stand up. Yes, come on ladies. Oh my God. Oh see, you're not believing it. But let me tell you. This is my one soapbox. Charlie's got his. What happens is that little girl comes up to a boy and says Bob, Jim is bothering me. He gives me the creep. Where is he? Why I'll take care of you with my shield. And she's working you like a fiddle. And women don't like other women. Oh, if I hear that one more time and you boys buy that I'm going to slap you personally myself. The truth of the matter guys is we girls did not come in here burning the toast. Okay? We know how to deal with sick guys. You rub your hand about three times too long on my back I'm like, yo, buddy. Knock it off. You know what I mean? You hold my hug too long, okay. Yo, dude, back it away. See, we're good at this. So don't underestimate. And boys do not fall for that. Okay? You get Mickey to go kick their ass. Okay? You send those girls to us. I heard a little girl come up to the meeting and tell Charlie about some boy doing something. Hey, oh, bring that to me. Who? Who's doing what? I'll go over there. You know what I mean? And then, of course, I watch the girl when she goes to get coffee and she's doing this. It's all being worked, right? Now that is my little soapbox. And oh, I made some man in Canada mad because this was him. And he got to be on the right side of it. You know what I mean? It's like, well, dude, sorry. We know what's going on. We know what we're doing. And we got a lot of power. Lots of power. And we will chew you up and spit you out. And that's coming from a woman. So what ends up happening? I'm in elementary school. I'll fast forward through my life real quick. I absolutely I cannot stand school. I still cannot stand it today. And the definition of what the institution stands for is not my cup of tea. And for some reason, that's almost sacrilegious to say, but I believe if alcohol robbed you of your education and you want to go back to school and get an education, I am your biggest cheerleader. I say, man, go back and do it. I'm always so proud of that. For me, a college looks like an institution that I don't want to be a part of. I want nothing to do with education. But at the same time, what's that going to play out in my life as? I'm going to be self-employed. Right? Because you better be self-employed if you're not going to have an education. And so I've been self-employed for 30 years. I've been a successful business woman. But education was never my cup of tea. I cheated all the way through school. I put a lot of energy in cheating because I had to get that diploma. Here's an old idea. If I don't have a diploma, I'm a loser. I could care less about the education. But the diploma was very important to me. I'm busting my butt to get this diploma. And I have absolutely... Oh my gosh, you guys can't even imagine it. It's funny, when you say that out loud, people are like, really? And I'm like, yeah, yeah. As a matter of fact, my husband loves history. And he'll just start rambling on. Oh my God. I swear to God. He'll go, did you realize the Nile River was blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just like, oh, shut up. A couple of days ago, he paused the weather map to show me how the United States is laid out, blah, blah, blah, blah. He's like, Katie, now this is... America is Northern America. Then there's Mexico. Well, I know that. Well, then there's just a hump because the rest is not on the TV screen. He goes, what's that? And I said, that would be Africa. And then he goes into the teaching mode. No. If this is... And you're like, oh my God, honey, I'm going to have to shoot you. And you know what's so funny is if I ask you how to spell the word, don't sound it out. Tell me how to spell it. I'm not asking you to teach it to me. I just ask you how to spell it. Just spell it. Because I don't care. Unless it's in my zip code, I don't care. Unless it affects me, I don't care. I swear I'm watching the news, whatever is going on in Egypt, whatever, click, okay, I don't care. I just don't care. Now that wasn't... That was some intriguing stuff. I don't think they played enough on his name, personally. Now that was intriguing. But here's the thing. I don't care where Venezuela is. I don't care where Asia is. I don't care. And that's okay because at 53 years old today, I'm a successful business woman. I've got plenty of self-esteem and I don't need that to make me okay. And that's all I'm telling you guys. Because that's their old idea. If it's not your old idea, it's all good. If you decided not to have kids, it's all good. You've got to get down to those causes and conditions, otherwise it's going to kill you. And so I end up realizing I'm such a little rebel. I end up leaving home at 15 years old and my dad, bless his heart, he and I would just go at it. Just go at it. We were so much alike. And I was absolutely a pain in the ass. How many of you guys are willing to admit you're a pain in the ass? I mean, I am not easy to live with. And my dad had just had enough. And he said, you're out of here. How many of y'all raised that kid? Oh yeah. You're out of here. And so imagine what it took for my father to kick me out of the house at 15. A girl. He kicked out a womb. You know what I mean? Go on. Go on. And I was so driven, man. I mean, when he talks about driven, I know what that is. And so I was going to prove to him I could do this on my own. And so I rented me a little house and I rode my bike to school and I talked the principal into letting me do school this way. He realized I wasn't living at home. I mean, I'm working an angle. I work angles. I walk in a room and work an angle. I know exactly what's going on everywhere. Especially if there's any dope in the room, I know who's got it. You know what I mean? I can work in angles. It's in my DNA. And you know what? It's in yours, too. See, you're not different than me. It's just how it shows up. You could be the silent, invisible person and you enter a room like smoke. Nobody even sees you. But if you're an alcoholic, you're doing just what I'm doing. And so all these old ideas, they influenced my life. Absolutely influenced my life. And I'm out there running amok and my life is crazy and I end up getting pregnant and I finish high school. I move to Austin. I get pregnant. I've got this beautiful daughter. Well, let me tell you, kids are a real problem for an alcoholic. Kids are... They like to get up early. That's a problem. And you know what else? They like to eat. They like to eat a lot. And if you're drinking I am angry. I'm not being able to spend the night with the boy I want to spend the night with. I mean, I'm constantly dragging this kid around. Lots of work, lots of work. And I tell you guys, all I can say is when you're dragging a kid around and you're alcoholic, my life was ugly. I took that kid through places she had no business being. She's 32 years old today. I mean, it was just horrible for an alcoholic synonymous chasing a boy. Tell me how good that was. Oh, yeah, lovely. Chasing a boy. And you know what was interesting? I met this boy and he said he was sober. I remember thinking, what does that mean? And he said, I'm sober. I don't drink or do drugs. And I thought... And oh, he was cute. Cute, cute, cute, cute, cute. Okay, and then I realized, you know what, I need their attention. And I'm thinking maybe I just need to get their attention. They come, you know, watch what's going on, Katie. And I go, man, I got a drinking problem. And they just swoon in. And I'm thinking, I'm working. It's the way we girls do it, right? We walk in somewhere, we find our pawn. You don't even know you're the mark. And then we work. And then if that doesn't work, we find another mark. So I end up, the next day, you know, I don't sleep much at all. No problem. I have some enhancement going on and having a little trouble sleeping. It's kind of like those chocolates. So I end up, they say, we're going to go to the AA meeting. The 9 o'clock AA meeting. I'm thinking, oh, that all looked good yesterday, but bad idea. Very bad idea. Once again, those plans that don't work. Well, I end up going to that AA meeting. And let me tell you what happened to me. I walked in and saw a room full of people just like y'all. That what is so amazing is I absolutely fell in love with Alcoholics Anonymous. It's a bunch of homeless winos in trench coats. And let me tell you, that's what a lot of people think AA is. And Hollywood manages to really make us look like hokey losers. So I looked around and went, oh my God. And then the women, I love this. 26 years ago, the women flocked around you. And I say to you, if you are a woman in Alcoholics Anonymous, God darn it, go up to the girls. Get rid of that old idea right away. Women don't like women. What is up with that? It's an old idea, guys. In the bars, you guys were my competition. In here, you'll save my life. I make it a point to go up to women. I make it a point to introduce myself. And the prettier you are, the quicker I'm over there at you. Because I swear, the prettier a girl is, the stupider you boys are. I'm not kidding. You are stupid around a pretty girl. And so, it was Halloween weekend and I had been dressed as Tina Turner. I left that very important piece out. So my hair was gold. Now keep in mind, Tina Turner on that album cover, you know she has a dress on, kind of like this, a little bit shorter. And she's doing that number right. Well, I am dressed as Tina Turner because it was Halloween weekend. Of course, nobody else is dressed up but me. And when I come into that AA meeting, they say, is anybody new? And I swear, the whole group goes, me? I'm telling you, I am blinded, blinded. But the problem here, guys, is that I fell in love with AA. I would do anything you wanted. I had these women surrounding me and these boys took off and left. And I was crazy in love with that one guy. Of course, he didn't know it and I'd only known him 48 hours. But I was going to marry that boy. And long story short, in 19 days, a little powerful, I'm telling you, we girls, yes, sir. And this boy moved in. We were actually married for 20 years. Go figure that. I'm grateful that people are not the arbitrator of my sex life. People say, don't get in a relationship for the first year. And you look at them and you go, so what do I turn into some sort of special fairy at 366 days? If you get in a relationship, put your seatbelt on. But don't get in a relationship? Try to tell any of us, don't. You know? It doesn't work. You're going to take away booze. Man, I've got to have something. Yeah, right? Once again, we're not in the PTA. And so I'm going to fill that malady with anything I can. Well, so here goes what happens in my life in AA. I am working a program based on the abstinence of alcohol. What Charlie said. The only difference between Charlie's story and mine is that he, when he hit the wall of self-will, he kept ramming back in, blowing up marriages, doing all this stuff. The gifts of sobriety took me away. So they were really difficult to see also because I had all these wonderful things happen in AA. I married Joe. Joe and I became Mr. and Ms. AA. Oh my God, we started a meeting in Austin. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The new us knew that we were this. Joe was a big book thumper. So he taught me the book. He really was more or less my sponsor. I went and did an inventory with a woman. He was the one who walked me through. I'm not totally against that at all. As a matter of fact, in the beginning it worked out great. It worked right up until it doesn't work. But what ended up happening is at about three years sober, I'm starting to get a little stale. I'm not doing any disciplines. I'm not doing 10 and 11. I've done a tremendous amount of codependency recovery. And I have done a lot of work on my inner child. Let me tell you, that is not a bad thing. But we alcoholics just don't seem to know when to stop. So I'm in group therapy for just 10 years. 10 was my limit. So I know all there is to know about Katie. I have managed to use my therapeutic mind to keep everybody at bay and it was not good for me. I kept, I detached. I did boundaries. And I became a very successful business woman. A very shrewd successful business woman. But if you were in my way and nobody else liked you, I'll take it from here. I'll snub you out. And so what ended up happening is you've got that restless, irritable and discontented right in you. And Joe says, I want a cup of tea. But he said, no, there's a really cool church down the street. It's non-denominational. And they put a big screen up and everybody sings. You know, you go at it. And I thought, okay, okay, okay. So I go in there, oh my gosh. I fall in love with this church. Fall in love with it. And you know, once again, I don't realize I'm not working a big AA program, an active member of the fellowship. And when you go to church and not AA and you find Jesus, nobody in AA wants to talk to you anymore. Are you with me on that? Oh yeah. Now don't get me wrong. If that made the hair on the back of your neck stand up, listen closely. I love Jesus. But when that's all I got is Jesus and I don't have AA, I came in to really help you heathen alcoholics find the Lord. And I ran every one AA off. I mean, you guys know the one who comes and finds Jesus and then they start trying to bring you over to the other side because you're just a heathen alcoholic. And it got so dark and so dangerous and I'm blinded to it because you know what, you people just don't know any better. Now here's what's really interesting because I'm telling you, not everybody is smiling. God, she sure did and she's saying it a lot. Now I could sit here and talk about Buddha. I could talk about, as we like to say, Tupac Oprah. Or Deepak Chopra. And nobody, whatever, sit at the feet of the Dalai Lama. But you say Jesus and people go, Oh. Because we have old ideas. And here's the deal, you pick out whatever you want to pick out. That's fine with me. But the truth is, that's all I had. I stepped away from AA for three years and I found Jesus. And in doing so, I'm sitting at an intersection and I kid you not, the law had turned to where you could take a right on red. I mean, some of you guys think the iPhone's a big deal but that right on red was huge. So I'm sitting there at that right on red and this old woman is not taking a right on red. And I mean, I'm grinding my steering wheel and I'm thinking, you know what lady, I'm going to ram you into this intersection in the name of Jesus. Because you need to be turning. And I get home and I tell Joe, I go, Oh my God, Joe, the intersection. I was losing my mind. He said, Katie, I'm not doing well either. And I said, what are we going to do? And he goes, maybe we need to go back to AA. I said, that's a good idea. And he always had six years more than me. And I said, okay. So we go back to AA, we walk into a meeting, noon meeting, same people sitting there. We saw Ed H. I kind of leaned over to him. I said, honey, we're home. We're with our people. Now I'm not saying church is not my people. Don't get me wrong. There's a balance. I've watched people pray and meditate their way right out of AA. I don't care if it's Christian, Eastern, whatever. You can Hindu your way on out of here, you know. But the truth of the matter is, it's in conjunction with. It is not. Our primary purpose is to help the drunk, period. Not to work at the soup kitchen. Have at it. But you better be helping drunks. See, I had it all distorted. It was all distorted. And I loved it because the line in the book that I got confused on, it says, for if an alcoholic failed to enlarge his spiritual life, I thought there was a period there. It says, through work and self-sacrifice for others, he cannot handle certain trials and low spots ahead. Well, let me tell you what, guys. Here's where the low spot came in. I, we sit in AA, and what ended up happening, now I've got six years and Joe's got 12 years. And we end up doing what I call meeting-based sobriety. Right? And what meeting-based sobriety is, means basically I don't touch my big book. I don't even know where my big book is. If you don't know where your big book is, that is not good. If you have not read your big book in over a week, that is not good. I hadn't read it in years. I knew it was on the bookshelf. Charlie knew his made it from one move to another. Right? But we're just getting our big book and our stuff out of fellowship. And here's the deal. You'll get relief, but you won't get the freedom. That's why you need a meeting every day. Because you are getting, you're just getting relief for that moment until you go back out there. And the insanity, and we did this for a long time, right? And I love it because I call it stark raving. I call it being sober. But it is the bedevilments, guys. And Charlie read the bedevilments already on page 52. That's untreated alcoholism. We have a disease that must be treated. Not by meetings. Meetings are wonderful. Matter of fact, we live for the fellowship. It's a huge part of, it's one side of the triangle. I absolutely love the drunks in Alcoholics Anonymous. But it will not keep you sober. And I don't know when you run out. Right up until it won't keep you sober. And the day you drink, you swear to God, was not the day you were going to drink. And that's what happened to me. I didn't drink, but at 15 years, man, it was bad. And so I'm sitting there in AA meetings. I don't realize that this thing is not working. Right? And I'm going to five meetings a week. Same home group, if you could call it a home group. There was no group conscience. So I don't know what I called it. But it was my group of people. And it never grew. Very dangerous. Yes, that's another tip. If your meeting never grows. And it never grew. And it really could have been called inconstant collision with somebody or something. It was, you know, let's just bitch. And if you brought a big book in there, we were like, oh boy. Let's get rid of this person. Whatever, over there spouting the book. But listen to what it says on page 25. If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle of the road solution. It tells me right there. Some people call us middle of the roaders. Some people call us meeting based sobriety. The term is in our own book. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible. Anybody sitting in here where life feels impossible? You bet. You bet. Sitting in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. It says, and if we had passed into this region. I don't know when it happened. I can just tell you every day I wake up going, great. You know? There is no return through human aid. We had but two alternatives. One was to go on to the bitter end. Blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could. And the other was to accept spiritual help. I want to know a little bit more about the bitter end. How bad is that bitter end? Is it really bad? See, a lot of us tend to look at the book as I did, as everything applied to drinking. No. It tells me right out of the gate. Alcohol is but a symptom. So basically what I got is this life run on self-will. And we did a very clear explanation of what the third step was that I completely missed. So I think I'm not the only one sitting in these rooms. I think I'm not the only one who's in pain. And Charlie and I love to speak and we get people in the receiving line, which y'all's receiving line, by the way, is very weak. But we get in the receiving line, people come up in tears. Going, oh my God. You just explained my life. I'm 15 years sober. I'm miserable. One guy said I want to kill myself. See, because my pride won't let me drink. Oh no, I'm going to take myself out of here. I'll kill myself after I got plenty of time. By God, at least I killed myself and I didn't drink. You know what I mean? Talk about me now in that meeting, huh? And so what I ended up doing is and you know, we laugh about that. We laugh about this stuff and what have you. But the truth of the matter is I'm going through and I got I get my will and God's will completely mixed up. If you don't understand what God's will is for you, I'm telling you, your program is probably fairly weak. Because your thought life will be placed on a higher plane. You will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle you. You will be placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. Will you still be scared? Yes. I will have a tool kit because I keep my finger on my pulse all the time. I actually work all 12 steps today. I didn't work any. All I did was go to meetings. And that's it. Because I'd already done it. You know, you people are sicker than me. I'd sit in a meeting and Big Head Doug would raise his hand. Oh great, that little Big Head Doug again going to say nothing. Scratchy Mary, here she goes. Oh boy. And before you know it, I'm sitting in AA picking everybody off. And you're the people who are going to save my life. So I've killed the only chance I got. Because see, that's what this disease will do. It's cunning, baffling and powerful. So I get God's will and self-will all mixed up. When I've got a weak program, don't really have a sponsor, don't have anybody looking at my life, don't have anybody that's going to be able to tell me what I've got going on. So I go, oh God, things are getting bad. Here's the baton. You are working too slow, give it back to me. Okay, it's getting bad again. You got it back. I mean, that's how we were. And I'll tell you, I was a slogan slinger. I had no program at all. I can always tell somebody who doesn't have a program when all they quote is acceptance is the key. That is somebody who does not know the first 164 pages of the big book. Because that is all, when you say acceptance is the key, that's a promise. So you're telling me to work the promises hoping the steps come true. If a mere code of morals or better philosophy of life were sufficient to bring about alcoholism, that would work. Then this would be a self-help program. Just let it go. I just want to poke you in the eye when you tell me that. Did you not hear my problem? Just let it go. Turn it over. You know, I hate you. I hate all of you people. And I swear, it was like, so what you're doing is a terrible disservice to that person. And I didn't know it either. I was doing the same thing. Remember, when I say you, I mean me. I'm just not going to correct it every time. Because I don't know who I'm talking to in the room. God just put me up here in a cute dress. And it is a cute dress, isn't it? Thank you. It's my funeral dress, actually. It is. Because I love going to funerals. I do. I love them. I love going to funerals. Well, that's self-centered. You know, it ain't about you. And I love going to funerals, and I love celebrating somebody's life that passed on. By golly, that's what it's about. It's a celebration of life. So, okay, I digress. And so, back to me. Where was I? Oh, thank you. Okay, so acceptance is a key. So what you've got is when somebody pats you on the back and says, Keep coming back. And turn it over. Let it go. Acceptance is the key. That's my job. I am armed with the facts about this program. I cannot stand when somebody pats you on the back and says, Keep coming back. And turn it over. Let it go. Acceptance is the key. You know, it's the, you're working the promises, hoping the steps come true. If a mirror code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to keep me sober, that crap would work. But it is a promise, so don't sling the promise at me. Let me shoot this thing right out. Okay, so, back to me. Now, I'm going to fast forward to what ends up happening in my life. And you will see why I am so passionate about helping somebody in the rooms that's dying of untreated alcoholism. Joe and I are touring along and my husband gets sick. Bad sick. I can't figure out what's wrong with him. And he is just, he calls me one day and he says, Oh, and I just am really emotional about talking about this right now. I don't know why. Because I'm really, really very free. It's very sad, but it's, I'm very free of it. Look out the window. Are you driving? Yeah, well, look out the window. I mean, tell me a street name. And I can't figure it out. And we're going through a long time with this. He's self-employed. He's a high-end cabinet maker. I'm self-employed. You know our crisis, our healthcare crisis has been going on a long, long time. And so we have catastrophic insurance, right? And this doctor says he needs to go have massive testing. Well, you've got catastrophic insurance. How are you going to be taking care of it? So I'm trying to figure out and trying to figure out because, see, I manage. I can bring home the bacon. I can fry it up in the pan. I can make you never forget. Right? I am it and a bag of chips, baby. Come to me. You got a problem? Come on. Come on. Where's Waldo? Right here. Right here. And I mean to tell you, I am all about that, right? I am a problem solver. And so what ends up happening, I'm thinking, my God, one girl in a meeting goes, I'll get instant insurance. Instant. I went, oh my God. That'll work perfect in my career. God's will. God's will. Absolutely. When it all works good, it's God's will. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, some of y'all need to shift around because you're dozing off. Come on. This story is good. And it just gets better. And so I go down there to drive that school bus. Oh my God. Oh my God. I am in over my head. See, that statement right there is self-will run riot. Some of y'all said, this is a bad idea or I'm in over my head. If you're wondering what self-will looks like, that's it. Okay? So I get on the bus and you got to go through massive stuff. And let me tell you, I brought some cute to that bus. Wow. Okay. They needed some whoop. Those bus drivers needed some cute. And so I go down and I'm driving and I'm in a high-end school district, for gosh sakes, but they give me the hoodlums for some reason. They think I'm good with the hoodlums. So I pull up to the school and I'm at the middle school and the kids get on the bus. I've done a couple of runs. I've done my hours of, you know, watching the horrific bus stories and blah, blah, blah. And all of a sudden, the kids are getting on the bus and we're all in line. And next thing I know, there's blood everywhere. And I mean these two, you know, pow, pow, pow, pow. I'm like, whoa! I jump up, grew up with these kids. I'm thinking, I am out of my mind. My God, all I want is my husband to get some insurance. I take these kids down to the principal's office. You know, they're like this, you know. I mean, they're big. They're growing big these days. And I'm walking to the principal's office and another bus driver goes, did you get the key? I'm like, oh my God! Oh my God! I mean, I'm running back. I get the key and I look at those kids and I swear this is how I do it. Jason! I swear to God! Come on! And now keep in mind, my husband's been sick for about three years. This great idea came three years in. I grab those kids, man. I take them. I throw them at the principal. I come back out and I swear to God, my bus is rucking. They are jumping from one seat to the other. And the wheels are coming up. And I'm like I get on that bus and I'm like And then you sit in that bus and it's like And I swear, you know, I swear I got so crazy in that bus that you know, there is a lot of power in that stop sign. And this BMW, I'm in a high-end neighborhood, right? And I got a whole old idea about the rich people. And so I'm in this high-end neighborhood. This BMW keeps trying to get past me really fast in the morning so he flies past me before I kick out that stop sign. I thought, oh no, you will not. I'm looking at him. I'm like, come on, buddy. Go ahead. Try to pass that baby now. Cop sees you. That's about a thousand dollar ticket, huh? Who's got the power now, huh? Oh my God! I got a hundred and ten bus stories. A hundred and ten. Because I drove that bus for three years. Oh yeah. I'm going to take my husband to the hospital. I'm going to get his brain scanned because there's something wrong in his head. I don't know what it is, but he needs a brain scan. And I told him, I said, Joe, I'm taking you into the emergency room. We're going to get that brain scanned because I can do everything. Don't lose sight of when you hurt or threaten me, especially my children or my family. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. I'll kill you. I will. I get him into the hospital. I said, now listen, when that doctor comes in he's going to tell you, touch your nose. And then he's going to say, touch your knee and then you touch your nose. You know, let's be sure we got this right. And so the doctor comes in, you know, and I got a whole thing about doctors too. A bunch of old ideas there. Doctor comes in and he says, so you think there's something wrong with his brain? I'm like, yes I do. Yes I do. And he goes, well, let's just see. He said, Joe, so, touch your nose. Now how I knew he was going to say this is beyond me. And I swear to God my husband does it. Oh my God! He says, touch your elbow. He's like, okay, plan B. Right? Come on, how long does that take? I'm thinking, you know what, I'm going to find a white coat. I'm going to put you on a gurney and I'm shoving you in that tube if I got to hit the buttons myself. You know what I mean? And so then he finally asks Joe about, he says to add something, you know, two plus two, seven plus three, whatever, and Joe can't do it. And he says, well, we're going to go ahead and scan his brain. I thought, well, I could have saved you a lot of trouble there Mr. Doctor, Mr. MD. And so he comes back in and he says, I swear you guys it's this moment I will never forget for a lot of reasons. He puts his hand on my shoulder, that doctor does, and he said, ma'am, your husband has A. He says, it's so big I've never seen one that big. His whole side of his brain is on one side. And at that very moment guys, my first thought was that I'm going to drive this damn bus forever. See, that's the level of self-centeredness I'm dealing with. Now, I didn't say that out loud but that's all I could think of, is I'm on that stupid ass bus forever and my husband's sick. My career, my life is over. Now granted, I hugged him, I loved him and all this stuff. Well, now let's just fast forward. This man, it was nothing short of a miracle. This brain tumor was benign. Been growing for 20 years. He was going to live. That, you would think, should certainly be the miracle. Now I'm faced with a brain damaged husband. I love my husband to death. I absolutely loved him to death. But my God, to take care of that man was a lot of work. He was not physically disabled but he was mentally disabled. He was never going to work another day in his life. How do you like that news, ladies? We're a two income family. I got a kid in college. Are you kidding me? So I'm scared to death. I am scared to death. I have three anxiety attacks. Blow in the bag anxiety attacks. You think I need medication? You bet I do. By golly, I'm not working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. You bet I do. And let me tell you the doctors were happy to hand it out. Hand it out to me. And what I didn't realize is see, you're sitting in untreated alcoholism. I'm in so much pain. I'm going to five meetings a week. I am doing everything I think I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know where my big book is. I'm not touching it. I am just keeping this family afloat. And this is what ends up happening to us guys. We break a tooth. We need a root canal. That seems pretty harmless. The next thing you know, the doctor says you need some Vicodin. Yes I do. And that triggers the allergy. Then I'm off to the races. And I can't figure out why I got to schedule more dental work. Right? I see it happen every day. Every day. In these rooms. And all of a sudden you need a surgery and those pills take care of that malady. See now, if you're spiritually fit, I really believe God makes those pills work as medicine. But when I'm not, it triggers that allergy. And I'm in danger. Well, I'm a victim of the delusion I can rest satisfaction and happiness if I just manage well guys. And this is what ends up happening. I find out that my husband is using. 23 years sober. And now the obsession to drink can come back. What? I thought that was done. I thought we did that. And he starts using and the next thing I know he dies of a heroin overdose. He doesn't die of the brain tumor. The brain tumor is benign. So he dies of a heroin overdose. So when I talk about sitting in these rooms and untreated alcoholism and watching what happened to my life what happened to my family I think I'm going to take this disease very, very seriously. I am not about soft selling the dangers that we're in if we're not doing it. And it's usually the boys that are the ones that are yelling. Well I'm a girl and I'm yelling. How do you like that? And I tell you what, and that's why Charlie and I, we are so on fire. If anybody asks me to sponsor them do I look like I'm going to be the nurturing sponsor? Absolutely not. Stop it. You know, you're crying. We're not crying. You know, and I swear these boys will work these girls will work with these boys and y'all just all about fixing them. Don't even get me started on that one. So I fast forward because I've only got about five or six minutes left so I fast forward, I find a sponsor and I am in tremendous pain. Now the Joe and Katie show is over. Thank God I got Charlie. Charlie's my best friend. And I told him, I said Charlie, the obsession to drink is back. I called it the monkey on my back. And some of you guys know this, that obsession, you bet your butt you can white knuckle it in AA for a little while. Especially when you've got time. But that time will run out. And Charlie's best AA, because he had no program too, he hates for me to say that out loud, but he had no AA program either. Okay? And uh, I was sitting there having dinner and I was telling him, the monkey was back on my back, that's what I called it, and he said, well, you know, just don't drink without me. That's his best AA. And you know what? It worked for a little while. It worked for a little while. And I go home and I am just not doing well at all. And now I'm in absolute insanity. Absolute insanity. I am crazy. Shut the door! Complete bedevilments. See, I work this AA program not because I'm scared of the vodka. I'm scared of those bedevilments ever being a hold of me like they were before. And see, the vodka will be a relief by the time I drink it. I don't want those bedevilments anywhere close to me, guys. I cannot live in the dark anymore. It was so painful. Two years I'm in the dark. Oh, somebody's on the kidney transplant list. And so, I am absolutely out of my mind. Right? And I cannot do it. And Charlie says, let's go to this big book study. And I end up, you know, whatever. And we do that. And the next thing you know, I ask this girl in AA if she'll sponsor me. And I'm telling her my woes. And she says, Katie, I want you to help me. And I'm telling her some serious woes. And I thought, well, this is before the big book study. I said, well, thank God that must be the part of the book for some of us have it harder than others. I'm sure it's in there. Because people in AA do have it harder than others. And I happened to flip open to page 62 where it says selfishness and self-centered. That we think is the root of our trouble. And forgive me, I'm not a big fan of cussing from the platform, but this only works with the cuss word. Bitch. Did you not hear a word I said? Selfish and self-centered. I called her up. I said, did you not hear? She said, Katie, there's a fine line between sorrow and self-pity. And you have stepped into self-pity. Now why I could hear that from her at that moment is beyond me. I think it was because I was beat into submission. I was beat into reasonableness. Right? And the journey began, guys. And I'll tell you. Charlie said, because he stole about nine of my lines. Okay. It's actually my line. I'll tell you all my lines if you really want to hear them all. Selfishness and self-centered. That we think is the root of our trouble. It's not that I think too little of myself or too much of myself. All I think about is me. See, that moment that Joe was diagnosed with that brain tumor was all about me. What's going to happen to me? My kid gets sick. I love my children. What am I going to do? Somebody dies. What about me? My AA group is not doing it for me. What about me? It's never about you. It's just not in my DNA. My DNA is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though we usually don't think so. Let's take a fence and let's stick everybody that you know that's full of self-will. You know plenty of people full of self-will? Let's put them in the fence. Now, let's pluck out the extreme examples of the guys that have self-will. Welcome to Alcoholics in Office. We don't even think we belong in the fence. So remember, guys, it says our troubles are of our own making. You've got to be awakened to know that you have self-centeredness. Once again, if this falls on your ears and you believe you don't have it, please let me follow you around for about two hours. One of the things is that we all have it. We are missing certain filters. Is my life different? You bet. Take away alcohol. It usually gets better. The gifts of sobriety took me away. I had another kid. I was successful in business. But one of the things that I didn't get was I did not get the terms. Stay close to him and perform his work well. That means I've got to work four through nine to get unblocked. It's like a golf swing. A lot of people have unfinished amends, myself included. All I did was take care of the tornado and my brothers and sisters. I didn't understand that it said all my amends. That meant everybody, everything. Let me tell you, that goes into about 200. 200 amends. It takes a lifetime. It says, God does not make too hard of terms for those who seek him. Where are the terms? You enter into a job, you've got terms. You enter into a marriage, you've got terms. You enter into a mortgage, you've got terms. It's all of your own way. I've got to be spiritually fit. I've got to be connected. I am merely the vessel. Remember, the fourth step is about manifestation of self. We've got to get down to those causes and conditions. Most of us live a life based on this. Mercy for me, justice for you. This is another one I love. Most everybody goes, I do not park in a handicapped spot. Absolutely not. Don't you give the stink eye to somebody you look over thinking, I've got a boot or a crutch or something getting out of that car. Now, when that's the only parking spot and I'm in a really big hurry and all I've got to do is drop that in the red box, see, I'll whip right in that handicapped spot. It's okay for me. Or how about this one, when your phone goes off in a meeting and you go walking away, you go, hello, hello. That person, that is the ultimate self-centeredness right there, right? But here's the deal. If you understood who I was answering the phone for, you'd understand. See, that's me answering that phone. You just need to know that that was my sister calling me. I missed her call three times. I've got to take that one. See what I'm saying? It's always different for me. And so it says the fourth step is a manifestation of self, yes. And so the fifth step is to look at it from an entirely different angle. That means I've got to look at it from somebody else's angle. Well, that's a whole new ball game for me, man. I don't get into that very well. I don't like to look at it from another angle. You give it to me from another angle and it falls away like that. All of a sudden when I realize that I am you, I forgive you pretty fast. It's also a fact-finding mission, guys. I'm on a fact-finding mission. I'm like a news reporter asking questions. You're filling me in. You're filling me in. She worked three jobs. That's why she wasn't available for you. She worked three jobs trying to take care of you. Let's look at it from an entirely different angle. We're the most unsympathetic group of people about alcoholism. If a parent's an alcoholic, you just don't even want to forgive them. And we're alcoholic. You know, go figure. It's a tough one. So once again, guys, what we're looking for is in the 10th step and two more minutes. It's a stupid raffle. I swear to God, that raffle took too long. Did I just snort out loud? Okay, so one thing is that what would happen if we actually worked all 12 steps? Actually worked all 12 steps. See, that's the deal. It's kind of like going to the gym. We can talk about going to the gym. We can get a book on fitness. We can meet down at the gym. But until I get your butt on that treadmill, I got nothing. This is a program of action. You got to constantly, and action is not talking. Okay, we think it's all about talking. I'm giving you direction when I'm talking. Go do the direction. Don't call me until you do the direction. And so it says, then the 12th step, it is your duty to carry this message to the drunk. This is not about waiting for somebody to ask you to sponsor them. When did that happen, Mickey? When did that happen? I've been sober 26 years. There was no waiting for somebody to ask you. As a matter of fact, if you got no program, you ain't ever going to get asked. You know what I mean? You're sitting there with nothing to offer. You got to go up. I love these tapers, man. Go get a big book study, plug it in, and listen to it over and over and over, and be armed with the facts. Be able to carry something other than the disease. This is not about talk therapy. This is about you having a duty. It's a vital debt of honor. That means, you must go help another drunk, period. And if you're not, it says it works when everything else fails. You know what that means? When you call your sponsor and that's not fixing it. When you do prayer and meditation, you can't even sit still for a minute. That's not doing it. It works when everything else fails because it gets me out of self-centeredness. I lose a job. I break up in a relationship. I can't get me out of me. I'm absolutely out of my mind. I've got to go carry the message to another drunk. Thanks. Thank you so much, guys.