Sponsored Myself for a While and Turns Out I Had an Idiot for a Sponsor 🤣 – Justin

Hey everybody, let's have an AA meeting. My name's Tim and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NABBA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabluchipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker. And we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I'm one of them too, I must have this thing. Justin's doing me a big favor coming down here. He lives up in Brazelton, works in Gainesville. I see him in a lot of meetings in Gainesville. I heard him speak at the Friendship Group on a Sunday night about a year ago, maybe. He understands serenity, I'll tell you. Not much. He'll keep you guys in your seats, I'm sure. Thank you, Tim. Good evening, everyone. My name is Justin, and I'm an alcoholic. Thank you, Tim, for asking me to speak tonight. And I want you all to know that I take my recovery very seriously, and I take y'all's recovery very seriously. For everything else, it's Rule 62. I have a home group. It's the Gainesville Classic Group. We have meetings every day of the week at 530, if you're in the Gainesville area. Any day of those weeks, it's a co-ed meeting, except for Mondays, which is women only. And those meetings are really good meetings. I have a sponsor. My sponsor has a sponsor. And by the grace of God, I've been blessed with the privilege of, sponsoring other recovering alcoholics. I know that I could not have gotten sober without the guidance of sponsorship, so I strongly encourage sponsorship for the newcomer to work with somebody who has experience with these steps. Now, I did try to sponsor myself for a little while, and, you know, I had an idiot for a sponsor. And I didn't last in their rooms for very long. So, where does it start? Growing up, I came from an average middle-class family. My parents never got divorced. They're still married. I didn't always have what I wanted, because I was a kid and I wanted lots of things. But I always had what I needed. And as an adult now, I can definitely see where I took a lot of those blessings for granted in my childhood, just because I didn't know any better. And I can say that I had a lot of pain in my childhood. I was an angry child. I was an angry teenager and I was an angry young adult. I had two middle fingers and I had no problem showing to anybody who was in a position of authority. And, I had a very small network of friends who were close to me. And I still, I had a lot of difficulty connecting with people. And my story did not start with alcohol. I began to experiment with outside issues and mind-altering substances at the age of 15. They were easy to get. And, I didn't have a lot of experience with alcohol. But I will say that as a child growing up, my father always had beer in the evening. He did not drink alcoholically. Neither did my mother. But I would always ask him for a sip from his beverage. The first time I saw it, I said, Dad, what is that? He said, that's an adult beverage. Well, I tell you what, as a kid, I sure did want to grow up pretty quickly, because I wanted to drink adult beverages. But when I was 15, I went to the Grateful Dead concert. You can imagine, you know, where that took me. And that's kind of where the road began for me. I didn't have my first unsupervised drink until I was 17 years old. I went to a party in Clemson, South Carolina. We were looking for illicit drugs. They did not have what we were looking for, but they did have a fully stocked bar. And that's when I had my first real experience with drinking. And I sampled everything from that bar. I had clears, I had darks, browns, lights, fruity flavors, bitters. I mean, I just had everything. And I passed out in Clemson, South Carolina, and woke up in Athens, Georgia the next morning, and I have no memory of how I got there. I do recall waking up with a pack of cigarettes, a pounding headache, also asking how I got there. I was told that somebody else drove the car there, so police thankfully I wasn't on the roads that night. But I did want to do it again. Although I did not drink like that for a few more years, it was still harder for me to get alcohol than it was for me to get street drugs. And so I continued down the street drug path for quite a few years. But eventually I got to the point where I was tired of being ripped off, tired of having guns pulled on me and seeing my friends do too much, and they're not here today. So by the time I was 20, I really started pursuing alcohol. There was a liquor store down the street from where I was going to school, and I had been counting down the days for my 21st birthday. On my 21st birthday, I went in and I bought alcohol. I went to the cash register, and the man behind the counter sold me the beer, but he forgot one thing. He forgot to check my identification. And I cannot... I remember how angry I was that he didn't check my ID, because my first thought was, do you mean I could have been drinking all this time? And so I started off my legal drinking with a resentment. Now, at the time, I did not know what a resentment was. And I started to drink in small amounts, but I never stopped with one drink, with one beer or one glass of wine, or one bottle of wine for that matter. I worked in restaurants in the back of the house, and... drinking and the party lifestyle, it just goes hand in hand, working the night shifts, which is what I did for many years. And my drinking began to progress rapidly when I was... after I turned 21. There was really probably not a day that I didn't have some form of alcohol in my system. I was in a relationship, and she would tell me, she said, you drink too much. You know, you might have a problem. And, of course, I didn't see it as a problem. You know, my problem was I couldn't get enough, because after I took the first drink, for me, there was no... there really was no stopping. There was... occasionally there was that time where I... a few times where I could stop, to really despite her, just to say, see, I can stop. But I didn't stop because I wanted to stop. And by that time, I had... I had distanced myself a lot from illicit drugs, and focused more on alcoholism. But I also... I wanted more than just alcohol. And I started doctor shopping, and I found a psychiatrist that would write me prescriptions for stimulants. And I'd say I was on stimulants for almost 10 years. And after the first six or seven months, I abused every prescription after that. I had multiple prescriptions. And when I was taking that, I could drink a whole lot more alcohol. And that's... that's how my disease progressed. I stopped drinking when I was 26, again, to spite my girlfriend, for about two and a half years. And I was still a very angry person. I was mad at the world. And I was abusing pharmaceuticals, but I was maintaining my job. I had a house payment. I wasn't behind in any of my bills. And somewhere I got the idea that I was going to start my own business. And at about 28, I left a very good-paying job and decided that the real estate market was something that was going very strong. This was in the mid-2000s. And I said, well, I'm going to start a home inspection company. Because I was mad at the home inspector that inspected the house that I purchased, because he didn't reveal everything to me. And so I had a resentment. And I was going to prove to the world I didn't want any home but Cloner to have to go... have to purchase a house as ill-informed as I was. And so that was kind of like my mission. I had... I had a mission. And... but as soon as I left that job, I thought, you know, now would be a good time to start drinking again. And I had independence. I had money in the bank. I had... by that time, I was engaged. I had two cars in the driveway. I mean, life was good. I thought, I've made it, you know. I'm an adult and I survived. I survived those rough years. Little did I know that the years were going to start getting a whole lot rougher for me. We all know what happened to the real estate market in 2007, 2008. Where it crashed. And, you know, I bet the farm and I lost the farm. But I always had a drink. And I liquidated everything that I had and drink in hand. And basically moved into a small one-bedroom apartment with my now ex and had a storage unit and a pickup truck full of my belongings. I mean, I had gone from having tons of stuff to having almost nothing. And I was still... My drinking was really becoming the means of escape and the means of ease and comfort the book talks about for me. But the problem was, drinking wasn't working for me the way that it was in the beginning for me. I was requiring more and more amounts of stronger alcohol to get to that point of where I felt like I could function in a day and not have to deal with all of these pains that had been building up in my life. I was nearing financial bankruptcy. I had burned a lot of bridges. Even though some of the bridges I burned did light the way for me. I would like to be able to cross back on some of those bridges. It just is what it is. But they have all been lessons for me. As I can look now in my recovery, each of those experiences have definitely been something that I can learn from and draw today knowing that, you know, what I'm capable of. So my alcoholism really took off as I turned 30. And by that time, I wanted to drink more than I wanted anything else. And I was in a lot of pain. I had neglected all of my financial responsibilities. By this time, I had creditors calling me at all hours of the day within their legal limits. Even some of them still called after 8 p.m. I had multiple lawsuits. I had multiple lawsuits against me. I don't know. It was all people trying to collect money. I had a foreclosure. And the poor girl who I had spent almost 13 years with, she was just at her end. She was like, you're just not going to stop drinking. And she asked me, she's like, why do you think you drink? And I told her, I said, you know, I've never felt comfortable in my own skin. And that was the truth. And I had always known that about me. And I had been telling myself lies for a very long time. Everything's fine. You've got this. But the truth was that I wasn't fine. And I hadn't been fine for a long, long time. In fact, I hadn't been fine even before I started drinking. I didn't have much of a concept of God and I wasn't religious. I didn't go to church. In fact, I had realized that I had been, if there was a God, that I had been mad at God ever since I was a child. And I got to a point where I was having this dialogue with my ex and she said, you've got something that you need to address, but I can't help you with it. And by that time, there was nobody in my life who I could turn to. I had no concept of what spirituality was. And I didn't trust anybody. And I got to a point where I was willing to just open my mind to seeing a sign, whatever it could be. And it felt really weird, but I kind of got down on my knees, or I think it might have been one knee, and I just said, God, if there is a God, I'm in a lot of pain right now. And I feel like there's something in my life that I need to see that I don't know what it is. What is the root of my problems? And I believe that God works for us in our lives when we don't admit it. At least in my life, He's been working when I didn't admit it. But when I became willing to see it and allow Him to work, God worked for me. And I went through a series of reflections. And I asked God to show me what the truth, what the root of my disturbance was. And for me, this is something that I have to admit. I have to address. And what God showed to me was that when I was a child, I had been violently sexually molested. And I had never shared that with anyone before. And that was the memory that God showed me when I asked Him. Now, I was mad at God before, before He showed me that memory. And I can tell you that I was very mad at God after He showed me that memory. Because I said, why? And I asked myself why for several years. And I continued drinking. I wasn't ready to stop drinking. In fact, I drank, I probably increased my drinking by about ten times trying to drown the memories out. Sitting there saying, why? And again, this is building up more anger and hatred and resentment. Towards everyone and everything. And myself. Because I thought, why would I have not said something as a child? But I guess fear had been instilled in me by the neighbor who did this to me. And, you know, when I finally got to a point where I said, okay, it just happened. And I ended up having to share it with my mother. And I said, Mom, I know why I drink. The way that I drink. And I told her. And she said, what are you going to do about it? I said, I'm going to keep on drinking. Because I'm not ready to do anything about it yet. So, I'm working a job. By this time, I'm 32 years old. This happened to me when I was about five, six years old. So, almost 28, 29 years have gone by where I've been holding this inside of me. And I haven't shared it with anybody. And, you know, the reason why I just want to make a point that I'm not here to share my fifth step with you. This is not a fifth step talk here. The reason why I'm sharing this part of my story is because it is a fact that over 90% of children who have been subjected to some type of sexual abuse or sexual molestation do grow up to have some type of addiction problems. And that's not to say that everyone in Alcoholics Anonymous has had that experience. But many people who end up in a place like this do have that in their story. And if it is something that you're struggling with, I can tell you that after I became willing to address it, and as the book suggests, with outside help, because when I first got into recovery, I addressed everything. And I did seek outside help for it and AA for my drinking. So I encourage anybody, if you're struggling with that and you've never talked about it, talk about it with somebody. Because there's a great deal of healing that we all deserve as God's children. And the only way that I found to heal was to talk about it with somebody who was not going to judge me for it. And wherever you get that help, get it. So anyway, today what I've learned is that I can turn to God and I can ask God to relieve me from the pain of really any experience that I have that resurfaces in my life. And occasionally, from time to time, things do resurface. And I've got a great forgetter. And I love to... I mean, my ability to stuff my emotions deep down inside and bury them is incredibly strong. It's baffling. But today I'm willing to address all those things. I know I have to. My sobriety and my serenity depends on my willingness to address things as they come up. So back to continuing drinking for two more years, I get to a point where there is no amount of alcohol that I can put in my system that satisfies me. And it had been like... I had been drinking like that for about two and a half years. Everything that I did revolved around when I was going to get my next drink. I was scheduled to work five days a week. I usually only worked four days a week because I had to call in sick in the middle of the week because I was too hungover. I was too poisoned to make it through a full day. I didn't work a full eight hour day. I worked about a five and a half hour day and I got off work and I hit the liquor store on the way home. I would purchase airline bottles and I would drink airline bottles on the way home. They were easier to conceal and there was no clinging and clanging when I stuffed them in a bag to throw them away. I definitely concealed my drinking from anyone around me at that time. But I was also concealing it from myself. I just wasn't willing to admit how much I was drinking. So I finally get to this point where the alcohol just isn't working for me. Nothing's working. And I was like, I don't know what to do. So I get to that point where I'm like, God, give me a sign. I've got to do something here. And somehow God saw fit for me to find the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous on a Sunday afternoon. And come Monday morning after that first drink, my first meeting back to AA, because I had been to AA years before, come Monday morning, I was ready to start drinking again because by that time my body was going through shakes. I was sweating. My vision was blurred. And I was very uncomfortable. I was alcohol sick. And I needed to put something in my system. So I did and I showed up at the emergency room. With a .383 blood alcohol. And had myself admitted to Charter Peach. And for me that's kind of where the road to recovery began. By that time I was done. And it was totally a God thing for me. If it were up to me, drinking still would have been working for me. Because I tried for almost ten years to keep it working. But it just didn't. And I spent seven days in Charter Peach. One of the things they suggest was get into a meeting within 24 hours after being discharged from Charter. So I made it to the Serenity House in Beaufort. And I got sober at the Serenity House. I got a sponsor right away. And I got into the literature. I got a copy of the big book, Daily Reflections 12 and 12. And it was suggested to me that I make this the most important thing in my life. And by this time I had basically I had shared some of the truths with my parents. And they said you can stay at home and get sober. And there was a lot of healing that needed to take place at the family level. And by God's grace our family unit has healed a lot. And it's still healing. But what I've learned in the program is that we say time takes time. And it does. And old wounds don't necessarily heal quickly. And the destruction that happens to my body from all the abuse that I've put it through over the years took time to it took time for me to physically start noticing some differences. But my head didn't really start clearing up for several months after being in the rooms. But I went to a meeting every day. And I became willing to go to any lengths to get sober. Because I knew that if I didn't get sober I was going to die. There was a part of me that wanted to die. And I guess, you know, depending on how you look at it, a part of me did die. I mean, my drinking habit died. And God saw fit for me to get sober. And I don't know why. I don't know why He chose me to get sober and He didn't choose countless numbers of other people. I have just accepted that it is what it is. And, you know, I got into the rooms and I learned about what a resentment is. And I was able to look back and say, man, I've had resentments all my life. And I've learned from the readings that also the resentment is, the number one offender for alcoholics that leads them back out the doors. And I've seen that happen to a lot of people who don't let go. And I've learned from them not letting go. And then I also have had my own resentments. And it's easy for me to talk with my sponsor about a resentment that I have. And I can go through the process. Seeing what my part is. Seeing, you know, what it affects. And I can work through that with my sponsor. The thing is, the real danger for me is a shared resentment with another alcoholic. Because then I'm co-signing their BS and they're co-signing mine. And even in recovery I have seen how that can be such a powerful destructive place to be in recovery. And I had to make a lot of changes about a year ago. Because I needed to distance myself from some people in order to stay sober. And I didn't start off with this, but my last drink was August 8th of 2011. And I say that my last drink was August 8th. I kind of consider my sobriety date or my willingness date to be August 14th because that's when I kind of came to in Charter-Peachford. And I did steps one, two, and three all in one day. I mean, I just became willing to accept God and to turn my will over to God. And now part of turning it over is also letting go. And I've had to learn to let go of a lot of things in recovery. And one of the things, what I've learned is that it is harder for me to let go if I am not surrounded with people who are willing to let go of their own resentments. And, you know, God help me if I have a shared resentment with another alcoholic. Because that is just the most dangerous thing for me in my recovery today. It's been the one thing that's had me that close to going back out. And today I'm thankful that I do have a solution to my problems. And without sponsorship, I definitely wouldn't be able to see the path that I need to take sometimes, even still today. This program has shown me how to, not how to drink, it's shown me how to live life on life terms. And I'm still learning. And I'm okay with that today. There was a time when I thought I knew everything. The truth is I knew nothing. And I wouldn't tell you otherwise. But today I realize that the more I learn, the more I really know very little, if anything at all. And I'm at peace with that today. The promises are something that stood out for me early on when I started attending meetings. And it says if we are painstaking about this process. And the process in the beginning for me has been painful. And there are times still today when there is pain. And for me, pain is the great motivator. But the difference today is I know that a drink is not a solution for me. It's not going to work. There's not one drink, there's not a thousand drinks that's going to work for me. And I'm okay with that today. I've found that I can heal a lot faster without pouring any type of chemical into my body. And for me, there's just, again, there's just a lot of peace that has come with that. The time really flies when I get to talk about myself. I don't feel like I got to tell y'all everything about me. But that's okay. If you're new to this program, stick around. It's a one day at a time thing. And it does work if you work it. The promises are something that I could sit there and want them. And I could sit there and I could need them. But they were never going to come true for me until I started working the program. And I'm reminded of that on a daily basis. I've learned to work the steps to the best of my ability and to my willingness to be honest and open about who I am and what I am. And to be able to share that with another sick and suffering alcoholic. And if there's one thing that I do right for me in my recovery over the course of a day, that's the fact that I don't pick up a drink and I've had a really good day. And I have not forgotten all the days that I thought, man, I couldn't wait to get that drink. And I remember having that thought before the first drink. But I don't remember oftentimes what happened after. But the solution for me is in the literature. It's listening to the folks that came before me. And to staying honest with myself. I have to concede to my inner self every day that I'm an alcoholic. And I don't have to wonder about that anymore today. Because for a long time I did wonder. And I just got to the point where I was willing to accept everything about who I am and what I am. And I didn't choose my story. I stopped taking it up with God as to why, and just accepted it for what it is. And I'm okay with that today. And how did I get to being okay? I found the strength and hope through this fellowship. And I love Alcoholics Anonymous. And there's not a room that I go to that I don't feel at home in. And this program is amazing. The fellowship is... I had always wanted to be a part of something. But what I've also accepted, for me, is that it's not necessarily calling myself a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's learning to live the life of an alcoholic by the principles that Alcoholics Anonymous lays out for me. And I do not always do that perfectly. And I can be honest about that today. Because I'm still learning. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with Alcoholics Anonymous and sobriety as being my journey today. I was always looking for a destination. And I was like, I can't wait until I just get so and so, get to some place. And then when I ended up in Alcoholics Anonymous, they said, trust the process. And I had no idea what they meant. Because I had problems trusting anything and everyone. But I heard the similarities in other people's stories. And I said, man, they drink like I drink. And I knew. I just knew that I was at home. I knew that I had found my tribe. And I thank God for that every day. And I've learned to count my blessings in this program. And when I count my blessings, I count the fellowship. And changed the lives of people, of people I know, and it felt like they were at home. And so I founded a group called Alcoholics Anonymous twice. And thank you for let me be a part of your recovery tonight. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .