Six Rehabs and a Burn Unit Couldn’t Fix What Wasn’t Willing to Be Fixed – Cappy

All right, let's have an AA meeting.
My name is Ellen and I am an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NAVA Club, where a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story.
This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Each individual in our own personal story describes in their own language and from their
own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God.
These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened
in their lives.
We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste.
Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on
aabluchipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker.
And we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us
shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them too.
I must have this thing.
Tonight's speaker I don't really know a lot about, but what I can tell you is her smile
totally lights up.
And her spirit lights up a room when she walks in the door.
When I very first saw her was in a ladies' meeting, and I shared about some things going
on with me, and she immediately came up afterwards and just kind of made me feel very loved, very
welcomed.
And with that, I give you Kathy.
Hello, everybody.
My name is Kathy.
I am a grateful recovering alcoholic.
I can't tell if I'm having a heat flash right now or if I'm nervous and sweating.
Thank you, my dear.
I need all the help I can get.
I learned something being in AA.
You accept help.
And that's what I do now.
I'm very good at it.
I have a little cheat sheet.
This is also my first time telling my story.
Sorry.
I am a little bit...
I'm a little bit nervous, so y'all bear with me.
My sober date is January 5th, 2019.
That was an amazing day for me.
I was born December 11th, 1962.
That means I have a birthday coming up, and I am going to be 6'0".
However, they say that's the new 40, so bring it on.
My brother who got married in 노래�.
I have a sister, she's 13 months older than me, and we have never gotten along.
My mom and my dad, they divorced when I was little, about 5 years old.
So we moved in with my mom's parents, we call them mama deer and papa deer.
And all throughout high school we lived with mama deer and papa deer.
So it was like I had my mother, another mother, and my wonderful grandfather.
We lived with them all throughout high school.
school next door to us with my aunt and my uncle who's now deceased and
therefore girls and my uncle Richard is over there raise your hand he's a
pivotal point in my sobriety I've loved him since I was a little girl and still
do even more now that I'm sober that with my with the families being like the
Waltons it was really kind of a lot of tension a lot of drama just something
and always trauma and stuff something always was going on with us I went to
Riverwood high school I was graduated in 81 and that was a fun school we called
it we for weed it started in eight that's
I'm so old that it started in eighth grade and went to twelfth grade.
It was a lot of fun.
I wasn't there long because I got in a program where I could leave school early before lunch.
And in the middle of eighth grade, I started modeling.
And it just took off, and I modeled every day.
And so finally, my senior year, the principal called me into his office.
I said, I ain't doing anything wrong.
And he said, if you miss one more day, we're not going to graduate you.
And so I cried all the way to my agent's office.
And she said, what's wrong with you?
I said, well, then they're going to graduate me if I miss another day of school.
So how am I going to do my job?
And she said, don't worry.
We'll take care of that.
You just go to school.
Anyway, I modeled all through high school.
And when I got out of high school, I first drunk.
I was at a party, a keg party.
We had lots of keg parties.
I drank way too much.
And I went home.
And Mama Deer stayed up all night with me.
She said I wandered all around the house.
And I didn't know what was going on.
I don't even remember getting home.
She asked me the next day, she said, what was wrong with you?
I said, oh, I don't know.
I must have had a little too much wine.
And she was so sweet.
And anyway, my first drink was about when I was four years old.
My Grace.
My grandmother thought we should have a little bit of sherry before we take naps,
especially when we were down on vacation.
She always went with us.
And she'd give us a little sherry.
Not that much.
And boy, howdy.
If y'all never had that, it is warm and thick.
And I liked what it did to me.
It was really good.
I like to nap.
So, I really started liking alcohol rather early.
Then I moved to New York City and went up there to model.
I got a job as a hostess in this restaurant.
I met my husband.
He was the host and he was the manager of the restaurant.
We got married and we were married for nine years.
He was a drinker.
We both drank.
We drank a lot.
We moved to L.A.
And that's where I got a job at this place called Tattoo.
It was a super place to go out to eat.
It was called Tattoo.
It was a supper club.
And on one side they had the restaurant and on the other side they had the club park.
And I went there to get a job as a hostess.
Well, I go in to get the job and I'm upstairs with the owner.
And I don't know if y'all have heard of him, but his name is Mark Flesher.
Mark Flesher is a businessman.
He just did assisted suicide.
And it was all in the papers.
And he hired me.
That was my boss.
And I got to know him kind of well.
And his wife, Mimi.
They didn't hire me.
He and Rudolph hired me.
And they hired me for the club door.
Not a hostess position.
And that was really pretty cool.
I was called the, excuse me for saying it, bitch with clipboards.
They let everybody in.
Whatever.
So one day they moved me to the club.
It was a restaurant door.
And I thought they were demoting me.
Not promoting me.
And I went up to them and talked to them.
I said, you know, okay, I don't understand.
What did I do wrong?
They said, you didn't do a darn thing wrong.
We trust you not to take money.
It's a non-pay door.
And so I had established some sort of trustworthiness.
So that was pretty cool.
And they said, you're welcome to have cocktails.
You can go to the bar.
Why would anybody give me permission to drink?
Anyway.
So I could drink.
But they just said don't get drunk.
Well.
I had the valet drive me home several nights.
And then there were other nights that I didn't get drunk.
But I didn't have a whole lot of consequences or trouble in L.A.
But they said, you're welcome to have cocktails.
You can go to the bar.
They said, you're welcome to have cocktails.
But that's where I met Marcus.
I wasn't a very faithful wife.
I was still married.
And I met at the club door this guy named Marcus.
And he looked exactly like what I fell in love with when I was a little girl.
When I watched old movies with my grandfather.
The western ones.
I liked those Indians with the long black hair.
And he was just gorgeous.
And we got together.
My last year in L.A.
We spent like the whole year together.
But I was still married.
Still living with my husband.
He didn't know a thing.
He just thought he was my friend.
Anyway.
I went to see him in the Philippines.
And he.
He threw away my birth control pills.
I told my husband I was going to see him.
This was after we had already moved back to New York.
I flew over to the Philippines.
Drinking everything I could.
Drinking everything I could.
On the plane.
And we had a stop in Osaka.
And I was at a.
Well it seemed like about like this podium.
Around the table.
And people from.
These guys.
All these guys drinking.
And me drinking with all these guys at the farm.
And I kind of arrived drunk.
Of course.
That was my new thing.
Just get drunk all the time.
I got pregnant over there.
I wasn't pregnant and I cried.
And so my.
Mark is my.
The father of my child.
He said she is pregnant.
They made me drink a hoard of water.
Three quarts of water.
And did an ultrasound.
And definitely I was pregnant.
When I went back to New York.
I said I'm moving back to Atlanta.
I told my husband.
And I moved back to Atlanta.
And had my baby.
Back in the Walton situation.
When I had my baby.
I couldn't.
She didn't latch on real well.
I couldn't breastfeed.
And that's one thing that I really desired.
To be able to breastfeed.
So my doctor and the nurse.
They suggested I have a glass of wine.
To relax.
Here's that permission again.
Didn't they know that I drank too much?
No I don't even think I knew.
That I was supposed to drink all the time.
And definitely with permission.
Wasn't that great.
However.
I didn't drink.
When I got pregnant with her.
I didn't drink.
I had two sips of wine.
And pushed it away.
And didn't drink throughout my whole pregnancy.
Her daddy said why aren't you drinking?
I said because I have a baby inside of me.
And I don't want to drink.
I don't know what came over me.
But when they gave me permission.
To have that wine.
I was off to the races.
So I'm back in the house with mom.
And mama deer.
And papa deer.
And they are there.
And they are my helpers.
So I can date.
And go to work.
And do whatever I want to do.
And you know it was great.
They had a baby.
We had a baby.
And I found myself drinking a lot.
With my drinking.
Came consequences.
And one day they sat me down.
And papa deer.
My grandfather.
They all said.
We want you to go somewhere.
Just for a few days.
So I went to Ridgeview.
And that was my first place.
To go to a rehab.
I don't know if it was like a detox.
Because it wasn't very long.
So it must have been a detox.
But I wasn't drunk when I went in there.
So I kind of don't understand.
And I remember the lady.
I call her nurse ratchet.
But she.
For some reason.
They let me get my credit card.
I had money.
And I had a credit card.
And they let me order pizza.
And Coca Cola.
And I was real happy.
Because everybody was happy.
They thought oh this is so fun.
And we are all sitting in there.
And I got my stuff.
And she says.
Well you are really having a good time.
Where do you think you are?
I said I believe I am at Ridgeview.
And she says.
Well you are having fun.
And so that really made me think.
That rehab wasn't supposed to be fun.
And I didn't understand.
Because I wasn't really doing anything wrong.
And I wasn't drinking.
So I didn't really like rehabs.
But that didn't matter.
I found myself drinking a lot.
A lot.
And I really liked red wine.
And so did my best girlfriend.
Who is sitting right over there.
And we like been 389.
And we just drank that wine like crazy.
I had two huge outside garbage bags.
Full of the corks.
I was going to do that.
I was going to do that.
I was going to do that.
I was going to do that.
I was going to do that.
I was going to do that.
I was going to do that.
I was going to do something with those corks.
Those corks are made of cork boards.
Or those things that you tense up.
But for some reason.
I just never got around to it.
Got too drunk.
Or you know.
It wasn't top priority.
But I had the two bags.
Sitting up there until my mother threw them away.
Anyway.
They finally moved me.
My granddaddy had a lot of real estate.
In Atlanta.
up in a house, a beautiful house, had it all fixed up for me and it was really nice. But
I was drinking. I was drinking and, you know, I'd already been to that rehab and another
rehab and I just was getting in trouble all the time with my drinking. That didn't stop
me, you know. I didn't think they were noticing. Anyway, terrible things happened. Our house
burned down and I got really burned bad. I was in the Grady burn unit. That was very
scary. I had third degree burns. My hair was real long. It burned up to here so I had to
cut all my hair off. And my face, they wouldn't let me look at myself for a few
minutes.
days. And some of the cosmetic people say today, well, you had a nice, nice burn peel.
I didn't think that was very funny. They took that house away from me. They moved me out.
I now live in the house right next door. And it's a real nice reminder because I can look
right out my bathroom window and see the house that I lost. But I love Josie. He lives there
now with her son and her husband. You know, she lets me come over and she knows about
me because I've told her because she's my neighbor and I love her. You know, it's not
so bad, but at first it really, you know, while I was drinking, it was hard to stop
drinking because every time I saw that house and thought about it, I'd cry and say I really
messed up. There is nothing left for me. You know, I'll never have a house again.
Well, anyway, so my daughter got taken away from me. And that was the biggie. I had to
go to juvenile court. So I see the consequences building up around me and my drinking. My
daughter taken away from me, just the custody, of course, but it was brutal. And I went to
a pre-hearing and he wanted me.
To get into some sort of rehab. And then he rescheduled it for another hearing. So
me and my uncle, who's sitting over there, we went out to Anchor Hospital and looked
up, talked to them and got me registered to do an IOP, intensive outpatient. You know
what? I was a sneaky little sly thing then, too. I went in with that, all that, and handed
it to the judge.
And the judge accepted it. And so I thought, this isn't bad. Because I didn't want to go
back to a rehab. I had been to those mean places and I didn't want to be locked up for
a long time. And I knew I'd have a little freedom, you know. But I knew I had to do,
you know, the P-test and all that. So I had to be good. But I'm not ready to quit drinking.
I wanted my daughter back. And I wanted everybody off my back.
So.
Let's see. It was Ridgeview, Anchor Hospital, Gateway in Brunswick. Now that place was a
trip. It was government funded. And that was because we always went down to Sea Island
for the whole month of July. And my grandmother had then bought a place over on St. Simons.
So we were down there and I was doing my thing, drinking.
And I was there.
I was there.
I was there.
And then they took me so quick. They said, you're going to rehab. And I had gotten my
daughter back. So I was really scared they were going to take her away again. And so
here I go. I didn't like rehab. And I didn't know how to quit drinking. So I just kept
drinking. I went to the DeKalb Crisis Center. And to Black Bear and Helen, Georgia. That
was a trip.
Because.
I could order my own food. I could tell the chef what to make me. And when I think back
about it now, that just made me a bigger brat. Spoiled. And I went to DAC for intensive outpatient
again. Well. I met this lady through my grandmother. They were in the same Sunday school class.
We had always gone to church. And I knew. I had her. I had her. I had her. I had her.
I had her. I had her. I had her. I had her. I had her. I had her. I had her.
I had her. I had her. I had her. I had her. I had her. I had her. I had her. I had her. I had
her. I had her power.
I had her. I had her. I had her. I had her. I had her.
I just.
You know.
Didn't have time for him. I was too busy drinking. I had met this lady. And I started taking
her to the hair salon.
And I took her. And the guy who owned the hair salon was about 83. And he was really
nice.
And he needed someone to take care of his dog. While he went to Greece for three weeks.
And so, I said, well let me come and see where you live and meet the dog. Well, I loved the
dog.
And I stayed.
And I took care of the dog and his house.
house and i was actually back at ridgeview going to intensive outpatient again to intensive
outpatient at this time and i was on a schedule and i was doing really good and i had gotten a
sponsor here and i've already established myself here and knew all the people that sit at that
table back there at the 7 30 a.m meeting he was real nice and we talked while he was in greece
and when he got back i said i really like it here i don't want to leave and i wasn't drinking
but but he drank slowly but surely i started drinking again with him and it was
you know i figured out he's an older man i could handle this well we all know how that went no i
couldn't handle it at all and i thought drunk and he would hit me with this cane
and
And try to twist my foot off of my whole leg.
I mean, he hurt me.
And at one point, my mother took me down to Grady.
And we got pictures taken.
But, of course, I thought he was such a sweet old man.
And I knew it was my fault that he was hitting me and hurting me and split my head open.
And I was sharing about it one day here.
And after the meeting, my sponsor, now, came up to me and she said,
He's an asshole.
She said, You did not deserve to be beat up.
Do you realize that?
And I still didn't realize it.
But I just looked at her and kind of believed her.
Because she's sweet and she's my sponsor.
Her name is Laura and I love her so much.
And she told me,
She said, You don't have to live like this.
I asked her to be my sponsor.
Wow.
His daughter kicked me out of the house.
His daughter probably saved my life.
I believe he might have killed me.
That's what my uncle thinks.
That's what I kind of think now, too.
And so I was back with my mother and my grandmother.
My granddaddy had passed on.
Two weeks before she had kicked me out,
Lee had gone, the old man that I was living with,
had gone into the hospital.
So I had about two weeks to drink to my glory.
I was in that house all alone, just me and that poor doggie.
I actually, I used Shannon.
She was the girl that was a caretaker for my grandmother.
She'd come in and help us with her.
And we got to be good friends.
And she'd come over and I asked her to go get me liquor.
And why?
And she did.
And I had a nice supply.
And I drank.
I drank for two weeks straight.
And I got really sick.
And you know how it is when you drink, you can't eat.
So I was kind of a real mess.
Got to be where I was just in bed.
Me and I would decide just to kind of throw up.
And I couldn't get up out of the bed to go to the bathroom.
So I'd have to crawl to the bathroom.
And I didn't know what was happening, really.
And I knew things didn't seem right.
So she kicked me out.
And the guy who took me, Tim , he took me home.
I could barely walk.
He walks me up to my mom's house.
And the next thing I know, I wake up the next morning.
I said, Mom, take me to the hospital.
And so she took me to Piedmont Hospital.
Those are,
Doctors, three of them, came in, and they said, Kathy, if your mother hadn't have brought you in an hour later, you would have died.
Everything was shutting down in my system.
I don't know how it is, but I kind of left there unscathed, and everything was enlarged, but nothing too serious.
Well, a couple of weeks went by, and my mother went out to one of her meetings, so I had some free time, and I didn't walk because I was still too weak, but I could get a cab.
I had some money, so this was my last time to go to the liquor store.
I bought a couple of five mini bottles, and I was a bourbon drinker.
I bought two bottles of gin, thinking that I'd get high and wouldn't get drunk or whatever.
I didn't know nothing.
Anyway, my mom came home and found me packed out in her bathroom.
The next thing that happened was the best thing that happened in my life.
My sister had an intervention on me, my last intervention, and I was headed to Bridges of Hope.
She had told me about it.
I wanted nothing to do with Bridges of Hope, but actually that night, I was what they call,
and I was the exploding hater.
I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I willingly went, and guess what?
I did the first step right at my refrigerator.
My sister kept walking around.
I said, would you leave me alone?
She said, if you run out of this house, we're not going to let you back in.
I said, I'm not going anywhere.
I want to go to rehab, and I opened that refrigerator door.
I had this big bottle of white wine.
I hate white wine.
I wouldn't have touched it for anything.
I looked at that white wine, and I said, God, that's my higher power, and I said, I don't
want that white wine.
I don't want nothing to drink.
I said, I need your help.
I want to quit drinking, so I did the first step right there.
I surrendered to my higher power, whom I choose to call God, and I went to Bridges of Hope.
You know why those other rehabs didn't work?
I wasn't ready.
I didn't want them.
I walked into Bridges of Hope wanting rehab, and it was fun.
It was kind of different.
It was a work program.
They had me start off in the bathrooms.
I had to clean up the bathrooms.
Very humbling, and you didn't spend long there.
Then they'd move.
They'd move you on.
Some of the people, because it was everybody in Bridges of Hope is in recovery.
So the son made the restaurant, and they sent me to the garden.
I loved the garden.
The garden was so cool.
I liked Bridges of Hope.
The first lady that I met was Jenny.
She met me at 2.30 in the morning.
She was my 48.
She said, you don't have to get up.
You can sleep in in the morning.
I said, oh, but I want to participate, and I did.
I remember just going in this big room and all the girls sitting around, and we're all
sharing about, I think it's just about ourselves or something.
I don't remember what the topic was, but this girl said something about Jehovah God, and
that was her higher power.
I looked up, I looked back, and so I had known about the Jehovah's Witnesses because my mom's
a Jehovah's Witness.
I'm Baptist.
She's Jehovah's Witness.
I had been going to some meetings with my mother.
So when I shared, I said, yeah, Jehovah is wonderful.
I do love him, and I saw her come by.
But then we both.
I got to talking to her.
I said, I'm here.
I am here.
I am here.
And I said, I am here.
So I was in the black room.
afterwards and she said i have a bible study every wednesday and it's right before suffer on
wednesdays would you like to come i said oh yeah how can i come and she says all you gotta do is
go in the office and tell them well she she got kicked out five days later and and here i'm stuck
in the bible study i'm grateful i wanted to stay i loved it you know what that was like one of my
first miracles on surrendering because i think that god put those jehovah's witnesses there to
make me comfortable and they did and i went every wednesday and they made me happy and every time
i'd come in to supper and i could come in late too and i didn't get a consequence i love that
and um i'd say they they the girls would say you're so happy every time you come back i said
what have you been
talking about
talking about
talking about God.
But the funny thing about it is,
I love my big book.
I took my big book.
And when we'd be reading the stories in the Bible,
I'd always bring up something from the big book,
you know,
because I didn't want them to get me too far away
and so into the religion.
I wanted to stay with my big book,
you know,
because I was really getting into it.
And because,
you know,
all the girls would go and smoke their cigarettes
and I wasn't quite smoking yet.
So I was reading the big book and all the stories
and that was making me feel real comfortable and at home.
It was just,
it was nice.
And my uncle came down every Sunday for visitation
and brought me great food.
And I got passes when I could go and come home.
And that was like,
I think after three months of being there,
I came right to Nava.
And of course,
I'd have to get my little note signed
because,
just so that I attended meetings.
I remember they told me in Bridges of Hope,
they said,
don't say you got it.
And I was like,
what do you mean?
I'm kind of getting the program.
And so I came and asked my friend Thomas,
that sits right at the early morning study group
every day still.
I love Thomas.
And he said,
I said,
they tell me Thomas not to say I've got it.
And I kind of feel like,
I've got it.
And I kind of,
you know,
when I graduate,
I can't wait to be back here and get more.
And he said,
I'll tell you what,
Kathy,
you do have it.
You take that back
and you tell them you've got it.
And so I did.
And I stayed there.
I did leave early
because they drew away,
they only had,
you could keep the food in a,
they had a cooler on the floor
and it got real messy.
So they threw my food away once
and I retrieved it out of the trash can
because it was all in Ziploc bags
and dated and everything.
And I said,
why in the world would you throw away my food?
And she said,
because you didn't have it dated properly.
I said,
how could this not be dated properly?
It's dated.
It's got dates on it.
So she let me keep my food.
Well, then the second time
that Uncle Richard brought me food,
they threw that away.
And so,
you know,
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
But I told Uncle Richard
on that Sunday
they just threw my food away again.
He said,
are you ready to leave?
I said,
I really am.
I think so.
But I was,
I really was ready to go.
I was a little scared,
but I thought I was really ready to go.
And I went,
he said,
I said,
he said,
what do you have to do?
I said,
I have to go in the office
and tell them.
And I went in and told them
and they made him wait.
They made him go away
and come back to get me
and I got all packed up.
And I came,
I came back
and came back to Nava.
And I haven't missed a meeting
since I left that rehab.
My dear friend Paul
is smiling at me.
I've got,
all of y'all are just,
just peace here.
We had a long conversation
on the phone last night.
I tell you one thing I've learned,
you get lots of numbers
and you get,
you get to know the people.
There's so much love in these rooms.
Y'all want to know
why I couldn't quit drinking?
It's right here on page 30
of the big book.
The idea that someday,
somehow,
Cappy will control
Cappy's drinking
is the great obsession
of every abnormal drinker.
The persistence of this illusion
is astonishing.
Many pursue it
to the gates of insanity
and death.
I don't know.
I don't know what happened.
But I sure am glad
that I had that intervention,
that last intervention.
I'm grateful that I became willing,
willing to,
to work on myself.
Willing to
see that I do have character defects,
but I wasn't as sweet as I thought I was.
That I was a darn mess.
And that I needed help.
So I did the step one
right there at the refrigerator.
Step two,
came to believe that a power
greater than myself
could restore me to sanity.
He was doing that.
He restored me to sanity
just by letting me walk
in the bridges of hope.
I felt like I was at home.
I felt comfortable.
I didn't have any monkeys
on my back anymore.
I was in a rehab.
I was in a rehab.
And I wanted to be there.
It was awesome.
Step three,
made a decision to turn our will
and our lives over to the care of God.
I understand Him.
You know,
I got baptized when I was around 11.
I thought I knew everything.
It was wonderful that day.
But I got busy with life.
Life gets lifey.
We all know that.
And I didn't have time for God.
And I put Him aside.
But there's something I know
about my loving God.
He didn't let me die
when I flipped my car six times.
I wasn't drunk that time.
But I was hungover.
He didn't let me die.
He didn't let me die
and get burned in that fire.
As bad as I got burned in the fire,
I didn't die.
And I can remember being
in the Grady burn unit.
That's an awesome place to be
if you get burned, by the way.
And the food's delicious.
They won't even let you bring flowers in there
because of the bacteria and all of that.
But anyway,
there was a little girl.
Her whole face was burned.
And I remember looking at her.
I cried to my uncle and I said,
I wish that was me and not that little girl.
You know,
her face was gone.
I hope they were able to see me.
I hope they were able to repair it.
So I understand God now.
They were searching in fearless moral inventory of myself.
We had to do the steps at Bridges of Hope.
I started on them right away.
We had to do them with somebody else in the program.
That was a good thing for me.
A moral inventory.
I need to go back and make sure
I always keep doing the moral inventory.
And I did step five,
admitted to God,
to myself,
and to another human being,
my wrongs.
And step six,
I'm entirely ready for them
to definitely take all my shortcomings away
and my character defects.
But I'm still working on a lot of them.
I'm a work in progress, I think.
And, you know,
I'll be soon going to be a woman.
I'm going to be a woman in October, January 5th
for four years coming up.
So I'm pretty excited.
Humbly ask Him to move our shortcomings.
I've still got a lot.
But I humbly ask.
I humbly prayed in the bathroom
before I came in here.
Step eight,
made a list of all the persons we have harmed
and became willing to make amends to all of them.
You know, that,
it's so important.
My sister said I did not make a good amend to her.
And I told her how much I love Bridges of Hope
and she can see that I'm sober.
I don't,
I guess it's within her,
but maybe I need to try again.
That's being humble, right?
Step nine,
made direct amends to such people wherever possible
except for when you injure them or others.
I did that.
Step ten,
step ten,
yes,
I'm going to continue to take personal inventory.
And when we're wrong, promptly admit it.
I'm wrong a lot.
But I do promptly admit it.
Step eleven,
thought through prayer and meditation
to improve our conscious contact with God
as we understand Him.
I understand now that He really loves me.
He only wants the best for me.
And my God is a loving God
and He's not ugly to me.
He wants me to have everything I want
and He's showing me that.
Step twelve,
I'm here right now
telling you all my story.
And the gifts that I've gotten are amazing.
I reached out the other day
to a friend who I've known.
She's got a lot of sobriety,
about 36 years.
And I've known her for about 20 years.
And she's a wonderful masseuse too.
And I hadn't been to see her in a while,
so I popped her a text and I said,
I really miss you.
I love you.
I'm so sorry.
I've been so busy,
but it doesn't end up...
It wasn't 30 minutes
since she called me.
And she said,
Hey, Cappy.
I said,
Hey.
And she said,
I just had to pass up
two caretaking jobs.
Would you be interested?
I said,
How did you know I needed a job?
She says,
I didn't.
She said,
I just knew I could...
You're trustworthy now
and I could...
And she knew I was sober.
So she knew she could refer me.
That's amazing to me.
So,
with that,
with those two jobs,
then Michelle,
my bestie,
we were out shopping the other day,
about three weeks ago,
ran into another girlfriend.
She's a little bit younger than me,
but she has 19 years of sobriety.
Some of y'all probably know her.
She wanted to come tonight.
And we're talking to her
and Michelle's telling her
all about my new job.
And she says,
I've got a job for you.
Now I have a third caretaking job.
I take care of Nanny.
She's 83.
Guess what God's done for me?
I told her,
I said,
I really miss my grandmother.
I said,
You remind me of my grandmother.
And as I'm rubbing her hands and her feet,
she's going,
You just make me feel like I'm in heaven.
I said,
You just make me feel like I'm with my grandmother.
I sure miss her.
And she says,
I'll be your grandmother.
And that's my new nanny.
And I just love her.
I just seem to be,
getting blessing after blessing after blessing.
And it's just amazing to me.
It's amazing.
All I had to do is become
just a little bit willing.
Just a little bit willing.
Can y'all believe that I was so against
doing a 12-step program?
Does that amaze y'all?
Does that amaze y'all?
I mean, I think y'all kind of have
a little problem with steps.
But I just was obnoxious about it.
I wanted to go to a place
called Passages.
Y'all think I'm a little bit of a brat?
I've grown up just a tad.
I'm not as bratty anymore.
And, um,
I believe just coming to a clubhouse
and getting the love
of all of you.
Oh, and I also wanted to know,
y'all to know that I did want nothing
to do with AA.
I wanted nothing.
I thought that everybody in AA was freaks.
And, um,
I didn't really know anything
about AA.
But I'll tell you what I found out.
I found out I'm home.
I found out that y'all are my friends.
You're my friend.
You're my friend.
You're my friend.
Y'all are all my friends.
And I don't know.
There's something about the bond
about alcoholics.
We take care of each other.
Like my friend, she gave me a job.
I got three caretaking jobs.
And it's amazing.
Gee, have I forgotten anything?
I know it's, um...
Oh.
My.
I tell you what.
I, I, they didn't take my child away again.
And the thing is, um,
I didn't lose a whole lot of respect
from my daughter.
My daughter's 25 today.
And guess what?
She loves her mama and she's proud of me.
Um, she really is.
And it's a gift.
I, I will tell y'all, I do struggle.
I live with my mom.
I'm blessed because she lets me live with her.
But it's a challenge.
But I think that, um, my higher power keeps me the challenge.
She keeps me on my toes.
I'm almost 60 years old.
And I'm pretty blessed to have my mom still around.
And I'm really blessed to have my uncle around.
His brother is deceased.
So, I've got my family.
I've got all of y'all.
And I'm so glad to be here.
And I want to thank
Tim and Lisa for asking me to come here.
I love both of you.
And I want to thank my sponsor for taking the time to come here.
Grady from, from Quarantine and Sober.
I've, I've switched over when the pandemic came.
I, I, um, I called Lauren real quick, my sponsor.
And I said, what are we going to do?
She goes, we're going to have to go to Zoom.
I said, well, I just can't do that.
I don't know how.
I'm not electronic at all.
And she says, oh yeah, I'm going to send you.
She's the most nurturing person in the world and stood up with all my BS for so long.
And she just treated me just with the kid gloves.
And, um, she said, I'm going to send you the link.
And all you, link, and all you got to do is press the button.
I still got that link and that's what I do.
Everybody, and now, and now I, I care on Sundays.
And, uh, I'm going to go to Zoom.
And I'm going to go to Zoom.
And, uh, I give out chips.
I do everything.
You know, I feel a part of, and I feel like this is my country club.
It's my clubhouse.
You know?
It's where I can come.
It's my safe haven.
And I know nobody will be ugly to me.
Anyway, thanks, y'all, for letting me share this story.
Thank you so much, Pappy.
That was wonderful.
You had never known that was your first time ever telling your story.
You had it down so beautifully.
I have asked Maren to come up and give the chips.
Yay, Maren!
Yay!
Woo!
Woo!
Yay!
Yay!
Yay!
Yay!
Yay!
Yay!
Yay!
Yay!
Yay!
Yay!
Yay!
Yay!
Yeah.
Today, we have a chip system to commemorate your time in Socratic.
If you're watching, if you're just coming in, just coming back, would like to start this
way of life, or restart this way of life, 30 days, and I?
60 days?
60 days.
60 days and I?
90 days and I?
All right!
Woohoo!
That's all, guys.
Thanks for coming.
Thanks, guys.
That's all.
Bye, bye.
Bye.
Bye, bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Six months?
29.
All right.
Keep coming back.
Nine months?
One year?
One year?
Woo-hoo!
Y'all know I'm Kathy.
I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic.
And I just need to tell you everybody,
this is my best girlfriend in the whole wide world, Michelle.
And today, she is still a baby.
11 years.
Woo-hoo!
She's been sleeping in with us at quarantine and sober,
so I got her this skull.
Now he is.
I know it hurt years and so on.
Michelle has been not only my best girlfriend,
she's taught me what it's like to be sober and how to live.
She taught me that having a schedule is about the most important thing you can have.
And that a rigorous schedule.
And so she said to keep myself busy.
She said you're supposed to celebrate.
So we...
Her husband suggested dinner tonight before coming here to celebrate her 11 years.
And she has been the best friend.
And she loved me when I was drinking.
She didn't have much to do with me.
But she was ever so grateful when I decided to really take the plunge
and really take you through this program.
And so I want to give you this chance.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What I will say is today, 11 years ago today, I checked myself into REACT.
And I thought I'll just be there about three days.
And once they got me in there and they took my insurance,
I was there for at least a week.
And I'm like, what am I doing here?
I'm not like any of these people.
These people are...
I have tried to commit suicide, drug addicts, people that live on the street.
And they were all in there together.
They were remodeling.
But they did bring in an AA meeting from outside.
So the people came to visit us.
And when they were talking, it was the first AA meeting I had been to like that.
And when they...
There was a woman speaking and I felt like she's telling my story.
And that was the first time I felt that I could belong somewhere.
And something could actually make a difference.
That there were people that could understand me.
And I could understand what they've been through.
And it was like a light bulb went off.
And now, it's 11 years and I can't believe it.
Most of those that are up here...
Just one more time.
One more time.
My sponsor won't let me say anything funny.
Thank you, Merritt.
I appreciate that.
Alright.
Thank you one and all for joining the Blue Chip Speakers meeting tonight.
Surrender was the last thing I wanted.
to do
there ain't no denying
the pain you put
me through
I thought I knew you so well
guess I have to blame
myself
for letting you burn
me
till I was head down
hell bound
digging that hole in my soul
got tired, wound up
burned out, devil turned a good
girl into a liar
I didn't come here looking
for the light
no, no
I came in here running
from the fire
sweet talking
heartbreaker
you had me believe
that you loved me
but you gave me one
match in gasoline
it all happened
so fast, nothing
was left but ashes
I should have seen
it coming
but I was
head down, hell bound
digging that hole in my soul
got tired, wound up
burned out, devil turned
a good girl into a liar
I didn't come here
looking for the light
no, no
I came in here running
from the fire
there are lessons
I'm still learning
hearts I have broken
are still hurting
bridges that will
keep on burning
and it's all because of you
and the things you made me do
I was head down
hell bound
digging that hole
and my soul got tired
wound up
burned out
the devil turned a good girl
into a lie
I didn't come here looking
for the light
no, no
I came in here running
from the fire
oh, I didn't come here looking
for the light
no, oh
I came in here running
from the fire
oh, I didn't come here looking
From the fire tonight.
Head down, head around.
Digging that hole.
I'm so tired.
I'm so tired.