Showed Up Drunk to My First Meeting and Figured Partial Credit Still Counted 🤦 – Jonathan R.
About This Speaker Tape
Jonathan R. shares at the Monday Night Blue Chips Speakers Meeting on NAVA. He describes a childhood that looked normal from the outside � parents divorced when he was three, a week with mom, a week with dad � but underneath a crushing shyness, a sense of being unique and alone, and a hunger for validation that groups and cliques could never fill.
In his senior year he deliberately set out to teach himself to drink, breaking into his father's liquor cabinet, and from the first hangover he already wanted to do it again and get better at it. Alcohol made him feel like he could finally speak; he chased that feeling through college, a girlfriend in New York, a move to the city, and a long career in restaurant kitchens where the crew drank hard after shift and he finally thought he had found his people.\n\nThe fun leaked out of the drinking. He went from drinking with the crew to sneaking drinks through shifts, drinking alone in a small room, and finally hiding bottles from a partner who he had desperately hoped would save him.
A management job ended when he could not stay sober through service and was drinking at the dive bar across the street. A summer job in Maine, gotten through his girlfriend's boss's family, ended after one blackout weekend with the owner asking him to leave the island and never come back. Back in New York the relationship was over, he checked into a downtown hotel, and he reached the place the book describes � drinking for oblivion and no longer able to get drunk.\n\nA call to Central Hotline and a walk around Gramercy Park with another alcoholic led him to a men's meeting where he sat at the newcomers' table, head down and crying.
Six or seven men surrounded him afterward and gave him a pocket Big Book he still carries. He flew home to Michigan, bounced between a few weeks sober and relapses in New York, and finally asked his father to take him to rehab no matter what he said in the morning. Out of rehab, a sponsor told him to listen in outpatient group therapy and look for someone to help � he met Jim, a blind newcomer, and spent a summer driving him to meetings. Showing up for Jim was when something changed and the next drink stopped being the only thing in his head.\n\nHe moved to Atlanta following a woman who has never seen him drink. A visitor's tip pointed him at the 7:30 a.m. NABA meeting, a literature meeting that felt like his Michigan home group, and cooking Saturday breakfast there gave him back the kitchen work he could not do while drinking. His sponsor's image of the keyhole � that alone he only sees the universe through a tiny slit, and every meeting hands him another keyhole and another piece of the mosaic � is how he describes a life that is immeasurably better than the one he burned down.
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Full Transcript
Let's have an AA meeting.
My name's Tim, and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chips Speakers Meeting on NavaZoom, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story.
This...
My name's Tim, and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chips Speakers Meeting on NavaZoom, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story.
This...
Let's have an AA meeting.
My name's Tim, and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chips Speakers Meeting on NavaZoom, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story.
This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God.
These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives.
We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste.
Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our NavaZoom room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear tonight's speaker.
And we believe that it's only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems.
Any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them, too.
I must have this thing.
I've known Jonathan R. more recently than when he first came in.
I am so glad that he is going to share tonight.
From what I've seen, he's super active.
Service means everything to him and his sobriety.
He's going to share that with us.
And we thank you.
Jonathan, it's all yours.
Thanks, Tim.
It's a privilege to be here and to be able to speak and share my experience with you.
It is my hope that there's someone out there who hears something that brings them a little bit closer to where they need to be, just like people did for me.
Again, my name is Jonathan.
I'm an alcoholic.
My sobriety date is September 27th.
I found myself down here in Atlanta about a year, year and a half ago, and found myself in the warm embrace of Napa.
And I'll get to that in a little bit, but Napa has meant so much in my journey, and I just wanted to mention that off the bat.
I guess I'll start off at the beginning.
I had what can, by all accounts, be...
Describe as what should have been a happy childhood.
You know, pretty normal, pretty run-of-the-mill.
My parents got divorced when I was three, and they fought to have joint custody of me.
I spent a week with my mom, a week with my dad, a week with my mom, a week with my dad.
Kind of jumped back and forth and did that thing.
I found as I got older, I was incredibly shy.
And then...
Really...
Really did not feel like I fit in with anyone or at any place.
I never felt comfortable in those places, and I didn't quite understand why.
It took a long time for me to get to a place where I could dig through that.
But I just felt very unique and very alone in this world, which is something that...
I heard later when I got here, and it was new that other people felt that way to me.
As I kind of came up through school, I moved schools several times, and there was always this complex of being the new kid and not fitting in wherever I went.
No matter what I did, you know, it didn't seem to do much good in my mind, you know, and that's where my problem is.
I did that for a while, and, you know, eventually found little groups where I fit in, or I could give them what they wanted.
I could be the person that they wanted, or at least I thought I could.
And I'd bounce between different cliques or different groups and really just desperately trying to find who I was and get their validation.
I just, you know, that's all I really wanted.
But even if I got some groups' validation, sometimes adoration, which was even better, it wasn't enough.
I wanted these things, but when I got them, they never, ever seemed to be enough.
That was socially, that was really with anything.
There just never seemed to be enough of what I wanted to satisfy me.
So, as I went through high school, I thought, you know, the best way to go was to play things straight and narrow.
I did my best, and then, I don't know, somewhere in my senior year, you know, the cooler kids wanted me to hang out with them, or who I thought were the cooler kids.
And I did.
And I was determined that I was going to make the most of this opportunity, and I decided that I was going to teach myself how to drink, and I was going to be the best person to learn how to drink ever.
You know, I planned it all out.
I had a day alone.
I was going to break into my father's liquor cabinet, and I was going to experiment and train myself how to drink properly.
I won't go into that.
I did a whole drunk-a-log, but, you know, it didn't turn out well.
I, you know, did the things that we do when we're drunk, and I, you know, I felt the way that most people do after they drink.
I felt pretty miserable.
The difference was I wanted to do it again.
I didn't think, wow, that's horrible.
I don't want to slow down.
Because when am I going to do this again?
How am I going to do this again?
How am I going to get?
How am I going to get better at this?
I always had this drive to be the best to show you that I was the best at something.
And as I went on, there never seemed to be enough of that either.
There never seemed to be enough of, there just wasn't anything there when I got there.
So that kind of started my drinker.
The one thing that it did give me was people paid attention to me a lot more.
Uh, or at least in my mind, they did, you know, uh, I was very shy, but not when I was drinking, I was, uh, alone, but I could sure find other people just like me when I was drinking.
Um, I could, um, I could say the things I always wanted to say, but I, I, I couldn't when I wasn't drinking, but to me, the, the party just started and stopped, uh, continued on with the drinking.
I took that into college, um, did okay.
To put, when I put my mind to something, I, I seem to do okay.
It was just keeping my mind there and moving forward.
And, uh, as, uh, things, uh, started ramping up towards the end of college, you know, I got a girlfriend, she lived in another town and, and I, I noticed that, um, other people were like making plans and, and, uh, I, I wasn't so much doing that.
Uh, I, I wanted to live a more bohemian life.
Uh, I met someone who, who.
Lived in, or was going to school in New York and we started dating and I, I, uh, went out to visit her a few times and within one or two visits, I was completely intoxicated with just a different life that I could recreate myself once again, if I ever moved out to New York.
Um, so, uh, without much thought, that was just that I was going to move out.
I was going to leave everyone behind because they didn't really know me.
And I could just start over in New York and I moved out there, not knowing anyone.
I had a cousin in Queens and I moved out to New York, not really knowing anyone.
And, um, and, uh, I will say that the first two years were incredibly lonely and, and I didn't really, I knew that I was lonely, but that was not something I could admit to myself, which was, became a theme in my life.
Uh, lots of things that, that were there.
That I did not want to look at, I was not going to deal with, but I, uh, you know, that, that, um, was a time where I really kind of fell in to, um, drinking to, to forget those things.
Um, I didn't, I didn't want to look at that and I didn't, I could not admit to myself or anyone else that I was failing at my move, that I was not doing what I wanted to do.
You know, there was nothing that came into my head that wasn't right.
So if I, if I had decided I was going to move out to New York and make the, make the best of that, then that was the best thing I could do.
And just doing it was, was good.
Uh, I did, I did, uh, decide that, uh, um, the only way I could get, uh, my mother at the time to, to allow me or, or be okay with me to move out to New York was I told her I was going to be an actor.
I knew that that would, that would be enough for her.
Uh, not really, uh, admitting to myself or definitely not her.
Uh, how just absolutely riddled with stage fright and getting up in front of other people where I spent a lot of money on, um, all the things that you're supposed to do, like headshots and, and all this other stuff.
And, uh, could never make it to an audition because I was so terrified, terrified of, uh, really everything.
Um, anyways, uh, so I found myself not being an out of work, not really after.
And, uh, I found myself.
And, uh, uh, what people do, I found myself in the restaurant industry in New York.
Uh, and, uh, I had grown up kind of with a culinary family and I found, uh, uh, some real, what I thought was companionship and, and enjoy there.
You know, uh, a kitchen crew and, uh, and, uh, uh, restaurant crew really love to celebrate and commiserate after, after working.
Uh, and I found my, what I thought.
I found my people, you know, I found people that, that understood me and they understood why I had such a horrible night and why I needed to drink.
You know, that's what I did.
A lot of times I sat at the end of the bar and I just complained, uh, about everyone and everything.
And then I planned with people how I was going to take over the world, how I was going to have the best restaurant, how I would, I do things differently.
How, how no one really understood and how all these other people were holding me back.
You know, that.
That was, that was a big thing.
I, you know, I couldn't understand why every time I had a, uh, female boss that, that I was loved and adored, but you know, all these male bosses, they, they just, they were holding me back.
I knew it, you know, it's always someone else outside was holding me back.
I could never look inside.
I could never see, uh, what was going on here that was, was keeping me, um, from moving forward.
Um, but, uh, you know, kind of as things go.
I, I, I kept moving up, kind of getting more jobs.
So the little hints, the little glimmers that maybe, um, I wasn't living the kind of living up to the character that I thought I was weren't there.
You know, uh, you know, maybe I, I didn't show up on time or, or maybe, maybe I even got fired that one time, but you know, there's plenty, there are plenty of people to blame and, and I got a new, better job.
So, you know, I can't be doing that much wrong.
Um, and that, that went on for a long time, a good while.
Um, uh, but the, the fun started going, leaving the drink after a while and instead of going out after work with, with people, uh, to, to have a good time, I found myself maybe having, uh, one drink thereafter, sneaking drinks my entire shift.
And then just going home and drinking away.
I really wanted to drink and, um, and not hanging out with people and friends started falling off.
And, uh, what I found was I was just, um, alone in a very small room with myself and my drink.
And that was not the best place.
Like, again, I couldn't admit that to myself.
I was, I, in my own mind, I was, uh, I was really trudging through.
I was, I was, I was thriving.
Um.
I, uh, I found myself, um, you know, in a relationship and, uh, you know, I can remember at the end of my first date, uh, just saying to her, God, I'm glad, I'm so glad I found someone who can drink like me.
Uh, not realizing that she didn't drink like me.
Uh, and, uh, I learned that early on.
I really thought I had found someone that I could just drink openly with and do that.
And what I found was I thought that would, would save me.
I thought that would change me, um, somehow.
I kind of secretly prayed that it would.
Um, when, when it came down to it, alcohol had a much stronger pull on me than being with someone, even though that's what I thought I wanted.
Um, and it, and it made me, um, I made the decision to, to hide that instead of face that.
Um.
Um, and so that, that went on for, um, a lot, uh, several years and, uh, it was a very, very hard, um, uh, thing to do.
I, I definitely, um, I know now doing some work that, you know, I use that relationship as a justification for, for that I couldn't be so bad.
You know, maybe, maybe I, uh, maybe I was, uh, hurting some ways and maybe they didn't.
I didn't really see the full thing, but if this person is with me, if anyone is with me, then, you know, what, how could I be that bad?
These are just, you know, I, I can put that off or I can drink that thought away.
I can, I can, uh, drink towards oblivion.
And that, that was a lot of my day.
Uh, jobs were getting harder to keep.
Um, I could get them.
I had, I had, I couldn't understand why I had such a, uh, impressive resume.
Um.
Paper and, um, I couldn't understand why it was getting so long, why there was so many jobs on there.
Um, because, you know, in my own mind, I, I was pretty great.
Um, I remember I, I got my first, uh, management job and I thought, God, you know, finally, finally, someone's going to see how well I can do at this.
And, uh, man, it was just a miserable mess from, from the.
Uh, I, I'm, I'm glad that I didn't drive that business, uh, into ruin, but, uh, I, I just, I drank my way through that and eventually they had let me go because I couldn't stay, uh, uh, sober during the shift.
I'd show up already drunk, uh, before service.
I'd drink through service.
I was leaving, uh, the restaurant to go to the, the dive bar across the street to get drinks because they've ended, ended up, you know.
Banning booze in the restaurant for employees, uh, and, um, but there, you know, there was never enough for me and all of these had to be hidden.
All the, these things that were going on outside had to be hidden from the person I was with.
And, um, and that, that line that I had to do to myself to make myself believe that it was all okay.
The line I was doing to the person I was in a relationship just kept eating away at my soul.
It gave me this emptiness.
Uh.
I just, um, I didn't know what to do about.
I, I didn't have a higher power.
I didn't have a God.
I didn't, wasn't raised with that.
In fact, I was pretty belligerent to any, anyone bringing up those things in my, in my life.
Uh, uh, you know, I, I had a, a good friend who, um, lived around the corner from, from my apartment and I helped her, um, build a, build a bar and, and, and, you know, I was really close with her.
But she had enough and she got, she found the rooms.
And for about 10 years, any time I saw her and she lived, you know, a hundred yards away from me, I'd walk to the other side of the street because I was not about to hear what they wanted to tell me.
I didn't want to, I didn't, you know, no matter how bad my life got, I, I was not about to change.
Um, I had a, a pretty firm belief that around 24 or 25, um, I was fully baked.
Uh, Jonathan was done and, um, I, I, I'd gather more knowledge, but who I was, the core of me was, was, was done.
I didn't think change was a possibility for most people.
So, uh, uh, as I, I'm, I'm progressing in, in my disease as I'm, I'm, I'm going from an everyday drinker, which, which I was for a long time to around the clock everyday drinker.
Um, I'm finding less and less things.
Working out in life, I'm finding that the things that used to give me joy, used to give me pleasure, um, just aren't there.
Not, not that it's like, I couldn't even, I couldn't even tell you what they were at a certain point.
They just were gone.
Uh, I definitely had, um, a lot of, uh, suicidal ideation.
I didn't realize at the time I couldn't tell myself that either.
Um, you know, I, I, I shrug it off as best I could and I'd, I'd drink more.
And, um.
I found myself, uh, uh, trying to sober up, uh, or just take a, a, a dry few months on a, on a, um, on a job I had gotten up in, in Maine, uh, for the summer.
And I got up there the first weekend, uh, and proceeded to get blackout drunk behind, behind the bar.
Uh, the, the owner came and, uh, relieved me, sent me to, uh, uh, my room that I was supposed to stay for for the summer.
And, um, and when I got up the next morning, they politely asked me to leave the island and, and never come back.
Um, I, I left that, that island and I had to come back to New York.
I, I had gotten that job through the woman I was seeing at the time, through her, her co-worker or her boss's family.
Uh, so this time there wasn't any lying.
I mean, there wasn't any, my bosses just really didn't.
Like me, they wouldn't give me the shifts I wanted.
There, there was none of that there.
It was going to come out that I had, um, done what I've been doing for a long time.
Not, not what I was asked to, not what people were paying me for, but what I wanted to do and what, what would keep, um, keep my, uh, disease going.
Uh, um, I got back to New York and, uh, it was made pretty clear that, that, that.
That was unacceptable and that, that, that relationship was over.
Um, and, uh, I didn't really have a place to, to go.
I, uh, I found myself, uh, checked into a hotel downtown and, um, and that, that I thought was going to be my lowest.
I thought that was my, my bottom.
I, I, uh, I couldn't put this into words for a long time, but, you know, I, I know now that.
I really, truly reached that point that they talk about in the book of, of drinking for oblivion.
You know, I, I wanted just all the pain, all of it to go away.
Um, and I kept waking up.
Couldn't get drunk anymore.
Um, not the way I wanted to.
I just kept drinking and drinking.
And, um, uh, thankfully, um, that woman I was seeing knew someone who was in the program.
And, uh.
Uh, I, first, she reached out to me and, and, and suggested that I call him, and that was not something I, I was willing to do, but at least put a, uh, planted a seed in my head.
And, uh, I couldn't tell you how long, but a few days later, probably.
Um, it gave me enough courage to call up, uh, Central Hotline.
And, uh, in that, um, there was just an, uh, another alcoholic.
On the other end of the phone.
And, uh, he very, uh, politely let me, uh, bitch and moan, sorry, complain, uh, as much as, uh, I wanted to do.
And, uh, when he think I thought I had tired myself out enough, he said, you know what?
You, you sound a lot like me.
And, uh, you know, I really hate other people.
And I was taken aback.
I, I, that, I couldn't do that.
I was in the hospitality industry.
It was my job.
People paid me to be nice to them.
Um, and, uh, I, I just really had no idea what he was saying.
And I really had no idea what was being said in these rooms for a long time.
But, uh, I, I reached out to the person that I was putting in contact with.
Um, and he told me to meet him at, uh, at a coffee house.
At a coffee house around Gramercy Park.
And he did what we do.
He took me out.
We walked around Gramercy Park, what seemed like forever.
And he just told me his story.
And he didn't, he didn't do anything but just share where, where he had started out from.
And that he didn't have to live like that anymore.
And I didn't have to either.
And that seemed like the furthest thing that was possible to me.
He just.
It didn't seem anywhere near to true.
And he said, listen, we're going to go around the corner right now.
And there's a, a men's meeting in there.
There's a big long table.
And anyone who has under, uh, 90 days is going to sit at that long table.
And someone's going to get up.
They're going to tell you a little story about their life.
And then it's going to go around.
And, and eventually it's going to get to you.
And you're, you're going to, um, say, say your name and that you're an alcoholic.
And, and then you're going to tell a little bit about.
Where you're at a couple of weeks.
Maybe definitely not tonight.
That's a, that's not where I'm at.
Uh, he's like, no, you're going to do it.
And, oh, by the way, the rest of the room is going to be surrounded by men who have a lot more sobriety than that.
Uh, and they're all going to look really scary to you.
But what you need to know is that every single one of those men has been where you're at every one of them.
And they have cried in that room and they have shared themselves.
And that room, and they're there for you in that room.
And I had gotten there, uh, you know, they, they had asked me when they invited me to this meeting that if I could just try not to drink that the rest of the day, that'd probably be the best thing for me.
Uh, that's not quite what I heard.
Uh, but, uh, I showed up and I thought, I thought, you know, partial credit, right?
I did show up, you know, I should get something for that.
Um, and so I showed up, eyes yellow, like they had been for quite a while.
Um, and I cried most of the meeting from what I remember.
Head down into the table crying.
Uh, and it got to me and I think I, I eked out my name and I think I eked out I'm an alcoholic.
And that meeting ended and every ounce of me just wanted to leave there and go to the nearest bar, go to the nearest bodega.
Get something, drown that out.
I don't ever want to do that again.
And probably six or seven guys just surrounded me and told me I didn't have to.
And talked to me and shared, shared with me their story.
I have this, what is now very precious and beat up little pocket, big book.
I carry that thing around with me wherever I go.
Um, I get to, to share that.
Big book with, uh, with other men now.
Um, but that was given to me at that first meet.
Um, and I'm, I'm very grateful for that.
Um, so that was my first being tossed into, to a, a, and being shown just a glimpse of what goes on here.
That, that people change their life.
Um, I really didn't understand what it was.
It didn't make any sense to me.
And the very next day I flew back to Michigan where I grew up.
Uh, cause I didn't really have a place to go.
Um, and there I was in a place that I had run away from.
Back living in my, my father's house.
And, uh, thinking that what was me, you know, I've thrown away my whole life, my career.
The, the woman who, who was there for me.
There's nothing left for me.
I've thrown away my life and nothing will happen after this.
I'm 36 years old and it's over.
It's just over.
Um, and thankfully people with a lot more time, uh, let me know that there was a lot of life after 36 and there's going to be a good life if I just kept coming back.
Uh, I didn't, didn't know what that meant.
I didn't know, um, what was, but I knew that when I was in the meeting.
I knew that when I was in the meeting.
I knew that when I was in the meeting.
I knew that when I was in the meeting.
There were people who seemed to be doing all right.
I knew that after I kept coming back that, you know, these people that I thought had to be lying were showing up every day.
That when I kept coming back, there were people who were showing up after me and doing what was suggested to them and, and doing better or having a better time than I was.
You know, it took me a while to figure out.
Um,
don't drink and go to meetings.
Again, I got partial credit because I was going to meetings.
I just wasn't stopping drinking in between.
Um, and, and, and this time I, you know, I get a few weeks, I get a few, few months and I like, you know what?
I got this.
I can get back to my old life in New York.
Everything will be back on track because now I am sober for a hundred days.
Um, and, uh, you know, inevitably I'd get back to New York.
Something very small would happen, uh, that seemed very large to me and I started drinking again and, um, and I'd, uh, I'd end up back in Michigan and that I did that bounce back and forth thinking that if I could just, um, get a little bit of time, I could say thank you to you very nice people and get back to the life that I so desperately wanted for getting that, you know, that life was burning down around me and causing me a lot of pain.
Um,
um,
and, uh,
thankfully,
uh,
I,
I got to the point where I,
I just didn't know what to do anymore.
I had,
I had some information,
um,
that you guys had given me,
but it wasn't keeping me sober.
I wasn't using it.
There,
there were tools laid at my feet,
but I wasn't picking them up.
Um,
and,
uh,
I,
I had gotten drunk one more time.
Um,
and then at this point it was just,
it had become obvious to me when I first got into the rooms,
I thought,
you know,
if I ever put a little bit of effort into this,
I could,
I could probably,
you know,
I could do this on my own.
I couldn't do this.
And by this point,
um,
the compulsion was just so great.
And,
and the,
um,
that mental obsession,
uh,
you know,
as soon as that first drink,
uh,
hit my lips,
uh,
you know,
that it was everything.
It was all I could think about was the next drink.
All I could think about is how am I going to hide this long enough to keep this going?
Uh,
how am I,
um,
just going to keep,
keep this going?
Um,
so I,
I picked up a drink again and I,
I was in it and I,
I,
uh,
I was with my father and I just,
I had a moment of clarity and I just said,
listen,
tomorrow morning,
I'm going to get up and I'm going to convince you that I don't need help because I've gotten really good at that.
Um,
but I,
I need you no matter what to take me to rehab tomorrow.
Um,
and I'm really,
um,
I'm,
I'm grateful that,
that,
uh,
I,
I was able to do that.
I'm grateful that I got help to do that and,
and to walk in those rooms.
Um,
the sponsor I was working at with at the time,
uh,
let me know that eventually that's what he had to do.
And,
um,
and,
uh,
once he got,
uh,
there,
things are changing for him.
I,
I went in there,
uh,
really defeated.
And,
um,
but when I got there,
I found that,
that I knew I really wanted this.
I didn't know if I could do it.
I really didn't think I could.
Uh,
I thought there was something,
something completely wrong with me.
And when I got here,
I thought,
I thought that,
you know,
I wasn't like anyone here.
And then I,
I got to a point where I just thought maybe,
maybe I'm the stupid one.
Maybe I can't figure this out or anything.
Um,
and I got out of,
um,
I have rehab.
Wow.
It's a lot later than I thought.
Uh,
and I want what I wanted to kind of focus on,
uh,
the hope of this,
whether I've been thinking about this as Tim asked me to speak with you tonight.
Um,
there are some key moments and I know when I got out of rehab,
um,
they asked me to do,
um,
some outpatient therapy with a group of other,
other people.
And I,
I was excited to be trying something new,
just anything to help me stop drinking in between meetings.
I went there and my,
my,
my sponsor who I found in the,
the,
the man who eventually helps walk me,
uh,
walk next to me,
shoulder to shoulder through the steps.
Uh,
it said,
you know,
you really like talking,
um,
maybe when you go to group therapy,
maybe just listen and see if there's someone there that,
that,
that you can be of service to maybe someone you can help.
And,
uh,
I thought,
you know,
well,
I don't know what you mean.
And obviously I'm the one who needs help.
I'm the one going to therapy,
totally forgetting that there are other people in the room in this group
therapy.
Um,
and at that very first meeting,
there was another guy sitting across from me scared,
just like I was to be in there.
Um,
and,
uh,
Jim,
Jim happened to be,
uh,
blind and had never been to an AA meeting.
But I had.
And,
uh,
I,
I told Jim afterwards,
you know,
if you want to go to a meeting,
you can,
you can,
I'll take you there.
And we spent,
uh,
the next,
uh,
or that whole summer just going to meetings together,
picking them up and,
and,
and driving him.
And,
you know,
a lot of times it was a lot of,
uh,
two alcoholics fighting and,
and,
uh,
cursing each other out.
And,
and everything else.
But we both stayed sober.
You know,
we,
we went to meetings,
we found sponsors,
um,
and,
you know,
uh,
Jim calls me today,
sometimes struggling.
Um,
but I know I can be there for him if,
if he needs me to be,
I can pick up the phone at least.
I,
I can't get Jim sober,
but I know that that summer something changed.
For me,
I know that,
that just,
uh,
showing up for service,
not even knowing what service was,
but showing up,
uh,
change something for me.
And,
and suddenly I didn't have to,
to think about the next drink so much.
Suddenly I didn't have to be stuck in my own head with the thoughts all the time.
I had to go pick up Jim.
I had to get to a meeting.
Um,
so that one really stood out to me.
Uh,
as something,
you know,
at the time I,
I didn't know what I was doing.
I didn't think I was doing anything else,
but it was suggested to me that maybe I looked for something like that.
And I was able to follow a suggestion as able to show up for someone else.
And those things looking back changed my life.
These small things changed my life.
Um,
the other,
the other thing that I was thinking about is,
um,
is,
uh,
well I lost that one.
Apparently I thought about it too hard probably.
Um,
but,
uh,
the thing that did that stick out to me is,
you know,
I,
I,
I moved down to Atlanta because,
uh,
the woman that I met who's never seen me take a drink,
um,
but knows who I am,
who I've been able to open up to and share myself with and who accepted me.
I,
you know,
never in a million years,
was I going to,
show myself to anyone man,
woman otherwise,
because if you saw who I was deep down at my car,
you would run away and you would leave me alone just like that.
That was my,
my belief,
my fear that was sitting at the center of me.
And here I am sitting with someone six feet away who knows this story,
but hearing it again and,
and I don't have to be afraid anymore,
you know,
I have you guys,
I have a higher part of my life as ill defined as,
as little as I understand it,
there's something there that I don't know.
Um,
but I moved down here because she,
she moved down here and man,
all the red flags of early sobriety start going off in my head and how am I going to do this?
And,
and you know,
one sponsor once told me if I talk to a girl,
I'm going to die.
Um,
you know,
all,
all these things,
uh,
that really went off.
But I shared that at meetings.
I talked to my sponsor about it.
I got advice and,
and I,
I,
I did the things that they were asking me.
And,
you know,
I come down to visit her and,
and like I said,
something put NABBA in my,
in my life.
She,
we stayed at,
uh,
uh,
uh,
Airbnb,
uh,
near here.
And I,
I had my first meeting in Atlanta,
uh,
St.
John the Divine.
Uh,
and I met,
uh,
someone who regularly goes to the 730 AM meeting at NABBA.
And he said,
this is a great meeting,
but you should really go there next time you're here.
So I showed up and I just,
every time I came down,
I went to that meeting and it was funny,
you know,
that meeting looks so much like my home group in Michigan.
There was,
you know,
someone who was just like Barb or someone who was just like Tim S.
There was someone else.
And,
and I understood,
uh,
these people,
they,
they're,
they're great,
you know?
And the fact that it was a literature meeting,
just like my home group was,
and I could get in to the literature,
um,
really meant something to me.
And so for months,
I'd come down here on the,
you know,
every four or five weekends and I'd,
uh,
I'd go to that meeting.
And then there was someone there who was,
who was,
um,
cooking breakfast on Saturday mornings.
And,
you know,
I had left the restaurant industry cause I could not work and not drink.
I couldn't do it.
And here was a place where I could finally go back in,
do something that I'd been passionate about for so long and still,
still do service.
And it was there.
Everything was laid out for me.
All I had to do was show up.
You know,
that's the amazing thing that keeps being shown to me is that if I show
up,
beautiful things happen.
So all the time I get in my way often I,
I lose track of that very simple thought often,
but I have a center and that center is AA.
That center is,
uh,
my home group.
That center is the service that I found that I never had in my life before.
I had,
I had great ideas of what a great person I was.
I had these great theories about how I'd really love to do volunteer work.
But you know,
my life kind of gets in the way.
And you told me just do put into action,
do something,
see what happens.
Um,
you know,
I,
I just am internally grateful for the person that you're helping me to become
the person I was always meant to be.
I'm not there yet.
You know,
probably won't,
won't ever get,
get there,
but I,
I get a little bit closer when I,
I show up,
I get a broader view of the world.
You know,
I love what my,
my sponsor used to tell me that all I get is this little key hole.
That's all I see the universe through.
But then I come to a meeting and you'd give me your key.
You give me your key hole.
And then I get a little more of the mosaic.
I see a little bit more.
You constantly,
uh,
show me things that I never could have come up with on my own.
And that,
that's how,
um,
that's how we got sober,
um,
by doing that.
And I really,
truly appreciate that.
Um,
my life is immeasurably better than it was before.
Um,
I get to work with other men and in that they show me more of myself.
I get,
get more in,
uh,
and I opened myself up in ways that I didn't know were possible.
Um,
I'm able to try to truly be part of someone's life now,
whether that's the people in my family that I have long been known,
known the longest and held the deepest resentments towards,
uh,
or,
or just someone coming in for the first time,
because that's what you did for me.
Um,
so again,
I am just,
um,
thrilled that,
that I get to be a part of this.
I get to be a part of this program with you and that I was able to share a little bit of my experience,
strengths and hope with you tonight.
So thank you.
Thanks,
Jonathan.
Thank you,
Jonathan.
Thank you so much.
Thank you,
Jonathan.
I remember when you came to the 730.
That was so nice.
I remember you being there when I got there.
Yeah.
Thank you,
Jonathan.
It was a great,
great,
great story.
So it was wonderful.
Yeah.
Really wonderful.
Wonderful.
Thanks,
Jonathan.
Do you hear me?
Great message is right.
Jonathan,
you're,
you're making a real positive difference in our lives and I speak for everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for being with us tonight.
You.
Next stop,
and you will need these.
Do you see your.
As I roll from town to town
Can't put the bottle down
Right now it feels like it's killing me
Life out here gets so depressing
Need something to take the edge, you see
I got nowhere to hide
An empty hole inside
It's the bottle, the book, or the gun for me
Seems like everyone's out to get me
Trouble always following me
Feeling like I just can't outrun
Steaming sad
Or all around me
yd
Remembering we might not meet
Remembering we might not meet
Remembering we might not meet
You've got to go attend those meetings
Yeah
Had a problem with honesty
What you see is my heart beating
A menace from a son I'll never see
I'm a victim of life's circumstances
Take every pill from A to Z
I try to blot it out
That feeling of self-doubt
It's the Bible, the book, or the gun for me
It's the Bible, the book, or the gun for me
It's the Bible, the book, or the gun for me
I'm a victim of life's circumstances
It's the Bible, the book, or the gun for me
It's the Bible, the book, or the gun for me
My name's Tim, and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chips Speakers Meeting on NavaZoom, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story.
This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God.
These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives.
We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste.
Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our NavaZoom room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear tonight's speaker.
And we believe that it's only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems.
Any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them, too.
I must have this thing.
I've known Jonathan R. more recently than when he first came in.
I am so glad that he is going to share tonight.
From what I've seen, he's super active.
Service means everything to him and his sobriety.
He's going to share that with us.
And we thank you.
Jonathan, it's all yours.
Thanks, Tim.
It's a privilege to be here and to be able to speak and share my experience with you.
It is my hope that there's someone out there who hears something that brings them a little bit closer to where they need to be, just like people did for me.
Again, my name is Jonathan.
I'm an alcoholic.
My sobriety date is September 27th.
I found myself down here in Atlanta about a year, year and a half ago, and found myself in the warm embrace of Napa.
And I'll get to that in a little bit, but Napa has meant so much in my journey, and I just wanted to mention that off the bat.
I guess I'll start off at the beginning.
I had what can, by all accounts, be...
Describe as what should have been a happy childhood.
You know, pretty normal, pretty run-of-the-mill.
My parents got divorced when I was three, and they fought to have joint custody of me.
I spent a week with my mom, a week with my dad, a week with my mom, a week with my dad.
Kind of jumped back and forth and did that thing.
I found as I got older, I was incredibly shy.
And then...
Really...
Really did not feel like I fit in with anyone or at any place.
I never felt comfortable in those places, and I didn't quite understand why.
It took a long time for me to get to a place where I could dig through that.
But I just felt very unique and very alone in this world, which is something that...
I heard later when I got here, and it was new that other people felt that way to me.
As I kind of came up through school, I moved schools several times, and there was always this complex of being the new kid and not fitting in wherever I went.
No matter what I did, you know, it didn't seem to do much good in my mind, you know, and that's where my problem is.
I did that for a while, and, you know, eventually found little groups where I fit in, or I could give them what they wanted.
I could be the person that they wanted, or at least I thought I could.
And I'd bounce between different cliques or different groups and really just desperately trying to find who I was and get their validation.
I just, you know, that's all I really wanted.
But even if I got some groups' validation, sometimes adoration, which was even better, it wasn't enough.
I wanted these things, but when I got them, they never, ever seemed to be enough.
That was socially, that was really with anything.
There just never seemed to be enough of what I wanted to satisfy me.
So, as I went through high school, I thought, you know, the best way to go was to play things straight and narrow.
I did my best, and then, I don't know, somewhere in my senior year, you know, the cooler kids wanted me to hang out with them, or who I thought were the cooler kids.
And I did.
And I was determined that I was going to make the most of this opportunity, and I decided that I was going to teach myself how to drink, and I was going to be the best person to learn how to drink ever.
You know, I planned it all out.
I had a day alone.
I was going to break into my father's liquor cabinet, and I was going to experiment and train myself how to drink properly.
I won't go into that.
I did a whole drunk-a-log, but, you know, it didn't turn out well.
I, you know, did the things that we do when we're drunk, and I, you know, I felt the way that most people do after they drink.
I felt pretty miserable.
The difference was I wanted to do it again.
I didn't think, wow, that's horrible.
I don't want to slow down.
Because when am I going to do this again?
How am I going to do this again?
How am I going to get?
How am I going to get better at this?
I always had this drive to be the best to show you that I was the best at something.
And as I went on, there never seemed to be enough of that either.
There never seemed to be enough of, there just wasn't anything there when I got there.
So that kind of started my drinker.
The one thing that it did give me was people paid attention to me a lot more.
Uh, or at least in my mind, they did, you know, uh, I was very shy, but not when I was drinking, I was, uh, alone, but I could sure find other people just like me when I was drinking.
Um, I could, um, I could say the things I always wanted to say, but I, I, I couldn't when I wasn't drinking, but to me, the, the party just started and stopped, uh, continued on with the drinking.
I took that into college, um, did okay.
To put, when I put my mind to something, I, I seem to do okay.
It was just keeping my mind there and moving forward.
And, uh, as, uh, things, uh, started ramping up towards the end of college, you know, I got a girlfriend, she lived in another town and, and I, I noticed that, um, other people were like making plans and, and, uh, I, I wasn't so much doing that.
Uh, I, I wanted to live a more bohemian life.
Uh, I met someone who, who.
Lived in, or was going to school in New York and we started dating and I, I, uh, went out to visit her a few times and within one or two visits, I was completely intoxicated with just a different life that I could recreate myself once again, if I ever moved out to New York.
Um, so, uh, without much thought, that was just that I was going to move out.
I was going to leave everyone behind because they didn't really know me.
And I could just start over in New York and I moved out there, not knowing anyone.
I had a cousin in Queens and I moved out to New York, not really knowing anyone.
And, um, and, uh, I will say that the first two years were incredibly lonely and, and I didn't really, I knew that I was lonely, but that was not something I could admit to myself, which was, became a theme in my life.
Uh, lots of things that, that were there.
That I did not want to look at, I was not going to deal with, but I, uh, you know, that, that, um, was a time where I really kind of fell in to, um, drinking to, to forget those things.
Um, I didn't, I didn't want to look at that and I didn't, I could not admit to myself or anyone else that I was failing at my move, that I was not doing what I wanted to do.
You know, there was nothing that came into my head that wasn't right.
So if I, if I had decided I was going to move out to New York and make the, make the best of that, then that was the best thing I could do.
And just doing it was, was good.
Uh, I did, I did, uh, decide that, uh, um, the only way I could get, uh, my mother at the time to, to allow me or, or be okay with me to move out to New York was I told her I was going to be an actor.
I knew that that would, that would be enough for her.
Uh, not really, uh, admitting to myself or definitely not her.
Uh, how just absolutely riddled with stage fright and getting up in front of other people where I spent a lot of money on, um, all the things that you're supposed to do, like headshots and, and all this other stuff.
And, uh, could never make it to an audition because I was so terrified, terrified of, uh, really everything.
Um, anyways, uh, so I found myself not being an out of work, not really after.
And, uh, I found myself.
And, uh, uh, what people do, I found myself in the restaurant industry in New York.
Uh, and, uh, I had grown up kind of with a culinary family and I found, uh, uh, some real, what I thought was companionship and, and enjoy there.
You know, uh, a kitchen crew and, uh, and, uh, uh, restaurant crew really love to celebrate and commiserate after, after working.
Uh, and I found my, what I thought.
I found my people, you know, I found people that, that understood me and they understood why I had such a horrible night and why I needed to drink.
You know, that's what I did.
A lot of times I sat at the end of the bar and I just complained, uh, about everyone and everything.
And then I planned with people how I was going to take over the world, how I was going to have the best restaurant, how I would, I do things differently.
How, how no one really understood and how all these other people were holding me back.
You know, that.
That was, that was a big thing.
I, you know, I couldn't understand why every time I had a, uh, female boss that, that I was loved and adored, but you know, all these male bosses, they, they just, they were holding me back.
I knew it, you know, it's always someone else outside was holding me back.
I could never look inside.
I could never see, uh, what was going on here that was, was keeping me, um, from moving forward.
Um, but, uh, you know, kind of as things go.
I, I, I kept moving up, kind of getting more jobs.
So the little hints, the little glimmers that maybe, um, I wasn't living the kind of living up to the character that I thought I was weren't there.
You know, uh, you know, maybe I, I didn't show up on time or, or maybe, maybe I even got fired that one time, but you know, there's plenty, there are plenty of people to blame and, and I got a new, better job.
So, you know, I can't be doing that much wrong.
Um, and that, that went on for a long time, a good while.
Um, uh, but the, the fun started going, leaving the drink after a while and instead of going out after work with, with people, uh, to, to have a good time, I found myself maybe having, uh, one drink thereafter, sneaking drinks my entire shift.
And then just going home and drinking away.
I really wanted to drink and, um, and not hanging out with people and friends started falling off.
And, uh, what I found was I was just, um, alone in a very small room with myself and my drink.
And that was not the best place.
Like, again, I couldn't admit that to myself.
I was, I, in my own mind, I was, uh, I was really trudging through.
I was, I was, I was thriving.
Um.
I, uh, I found myself, um, you know, in a relationship and, uh, you know, I can remember at the end of my first date, uh, just saying to her, God, I'm glad, I'm so glad I found someone who can drink like me.
Uh, not realizing that she didn't drink like me.
Uh, and, uh, I learned that early on.
I really thought I had found someone that I could just drink openly with and do that.
And what I found was I thought that would, would save me.
I thought that would change me, um, somehow.
I kind of secretly prayed that it would.
Um, when, when it came down to it, alcohol had a much stronger pull on me than being with someone, even though that's what I thought I wanted.
Um, and it, and it made me, um, I made the decision to, to hide that instead of face that.
Um.
Um, and so that, that went on for, um, a lot, uh, several years and, uh, it was a very, very hard, um, uh, thing to do.
I, I definitely, um, I know now doing some work that, you know, I use that relationship as a justification for, for that I couldn't be so bad.
You know, maybe, maybe I, uh, maybe I was, uh, hurting some ways and maybe they didn't.
I didn't really see the full thing, but if this person is with me, if anyone is with me, then, you know, what, how could I be that bad?
These are just, you know, I, I can put that off or I can drink that thought away.
I can, I can, uh, drink towards oblivion.
And that, that was a lot of my day.
Uh, jobs were getting harder to keep.
Um, I could get them.
I had, I had, I couldn't understand why I had such a, uh, impressive resume.
Um.
Paper and, um, I couldn't understand why it was getting so long, why there was so many jobs on there.
Um, because, you know, in my own mind, I, I was pretty great.
Um, I remember I, I got my first, uh, management job and I thought, God, you know, finally, finally, someone's going to see how well I can do at this.
And, uh, man, it was just a miserable mess from, from the.
Uh, I, I'm, I'm glad that I didn't drive that business, uh, into ruin, but, uh, I, I just, I drank my way through that and eventually they had let me go because I couldn't stay, uh, uh, sober during the shift.
I'd show up already drunk, uh, before service.
I'd drink through service.
I was leaving, uh, the restaurant to go to the, the dive bar across the street to get drinks because they've ended, ended up, you know.
Banning booze in the restaurant for employees, uh, and, um, but there, you know, there was never enough for me and all of these had to be hidden.
All the, these things that were going on outside had to be hidden from the person I was with.
And, um, and that, that line that I had to do to myself to make myself believe that it was all okay.
The line I was doing to the person I was in a relationship just kept eating away at my soul.
It gave me this emptiness.
Uh.
I just, um, I didn't know what to do about.
I, I didn't have a higher power.
I didn't have a God.
I didn't, wasn't raised with that.
In fact, I was pretty belligerent to any, anyone bringing up those things in my, in my life.
Uh, uh, you know, I, I had a, a good friend who, um, lived around the corner from, from my apartment and I helped her, um, build a, build a bar and, and, and, you know, I was really close with her.
But she had enough and she got, she found the rooms.
And for about 10 years, any time I saw her and she lived, you know, a hundred yards away from me, I'd walk to the other side of the street because I was not about to hear what they wanted to tell me.
I didn't want to, I didn't, you know, no matter how bad my life got, I, I was not about to change.
Um, I had a, a pretty firm belief that around 24 or 25, um, I was fully baked.
Uh, Jonathan was done and, um, I, I, I'd gather more knowledge, but who I was, the core of me was, was, was done.
I didn't think change was a possibility for most people.
So, uh, uh, as I, I'm, I'm progressing in, in my disease as I'm, I'm, I'm going from an everyday drinker, which, which I was for a long time to around the clock everyday drinker.
Um, I'm finding less and less things.
Working out in life, I'm finding that the things that used to give me joy, used to give me pleasure, um, just aren't there.
Not, not that it's like, I couldn't even, I couldn't even tell you what they were at a certain point.
They just were gone.
Uh, I definitely had, um, a lot of, uh, suicidal ideation.
I didn't realize at the time I couldn't tell myself that either.
Um, you know, I, I, I shrug it off as best I could and I'd, I'd drink more.
And, um.
I found myself, uh, uh, trying to sober up, uh, or just take a, a, a dry few months on a, on a, um, on a job I had gotten up in, in Maine, uh, for the summer.
And I got up there the first weekend, uh, and proceeded to get blackout drunk behind, behind the bar.
Uh, the, the owner came and, uh, relieved me, sent me to, uh, uh, my room that I was supposed to stay for for the summer.
And, um, and when I got up the next morning, they politely asked me to leave the island and, and never come back.
Um, I, I left that, that island and I had to come back to New York.
I, I had gotten that job through the woman I was seeing at the time, through her, her co-worker or her boss's family.
Uh, so this time there wasn't any lying.
I mean, there wasn't any, my bosses just really didn't.
Like me, they wouldn't give me the shifts I wanted.
There, there was none of that there.
It was going to come out that I had, um, done what I've been doing for a long time.
Not, not what I was asked to, not what people were paying me for, but what I wanted to do and what, what would keep, um, keep my, uh, disease going.
Uh, um, I got back to New York and, uh, it was made pretty clear that, that, that.
That was unacceptable and that, that, that relationship was over.
Um, and, uh, I didn't really have a place to, to go.
I, uh, I found myself, uh, checked into a hotel downtown and, um, and that, that I thought was going to be my lowest.
I thought that was my, my bottom.
I, I, uh, I couldn't put this into words for a long time, but, you know, I, I know now that.
I really, truly reached that point that they talk about in the book of, of drinking for oblivion.
You know, I, I wanted just all the pain, all of it to go away.
Um, and I kept waking up.
Couldn't get drunk anymore.
Um, not the way I wanted to.
I just kept drinking and drinking.
And, um, uh, thankfully, um, that woman I was seeing knew someone who was in the program.
And, uh.
Uh, I, first, she reached out to me and, and, and suggested that I call him, and that was not something I, I was willing to do, but at least put a, uh, planted a seed in my head.
And, uh, I couldn't tell you how long, but a few days later, probably.
Um, it gave me enough courage to call up, uh, Central Hotline.
And, uh, in that, um, there was just an, uh, another alcoholic.
On the other end of the phone.
And, uh, he very, uh, politely let me, uh, bitch and moan, sorry, complain, uh, as much as, uh, I wanted to do.
And, uh, when he think I thought I had tired myself out enough, he said, you know what?
You, you sound a lot like me.
And, uh, you know, I really hate other people.
And I was taken aback.
I, I, that, I couldn't do that.
I was in the hospitality industry.
It was my job.
People paid me to be nice to them.
Um, and, uh, I, I just really had no idea what he was saying.
And I really had no idea what was being said in these rooms for a long time.
But, uh, I, I reached out to the person that I was putting in contact with.
Um, and he told me to meet him at, uh, at a coffee house.
At a coffee house around Gramercy Park.
And he did what we do.
He took me out.
We walked around Gramercy Park, what seemed like forever.
And he just told me his story.
And he didn't, he didn't do anything but just share where, where he had started out from.
And that he didn't have to live like that anymore.
And I didn't have to either.
And that seemed like the furthest thing that was possible to me.
He just.
It didn't seem anywhere near to true.
And he said, listen, we're going to go around the corner right now.
And there's a, a men's meeting in there.
There's a big long table.
And anyone who has under, uh, 90 days is going to sit at that long table.
And someone's going to get up.
They're going to tell you a little story about their life.
And then it's going to go around.
And, and eventually it's going to get to you.
And you're, you're going to, um, say, say your name and that you're an alcoholic.
And, and then you're going to tell a little bit about.
Where you're at a couple of weeks.
Maybe definitely not tonight.
That's a, that's not where I'm at.
Uh, he's like, no, you're going to do it.
And, oh, by the way, the rest of the room is going to be surrounded by men who have a lot more sobriety than that.
Uh, and they're all going to look really scary to you.
But what you need to know is that every single one of those men has been where you're at every one of them.
And they have cried in that room and they have shared themselves.
And that room, and they're there for you in that room.
And I had gotten there, uh, you know, they, they had asked me when they invited me to this meeting that if I could just try not to drink that the rest of the day, that'd probably be the best thing for me.
Uh, that's not quite what I heard.
Uh, but, uh, I showed up and I thought, I thought, you know, partial credit, right?
I did show up, you know, I should get something for that.
Um, and so I showed up, eyes yellow, like they had been for quite a while.
Um, and I cried most of the meeting from what I remember.
Head down into the table crying.
Uh, and it got to me and I think I, I eked out my name and I think I eked out I'm an alcoholic.
And that meeting ended and every ounce of me just wanted to leave there and go to the nearest bar, go to the nearest bodega.
Get something, drown that out.
I don't ever want to do that again.
And probably six or seven guys just surrounded me and told me I didn't have to.
And talked to me and shared, shared with me their story.
I have this, what is now very precious and beat up little pocket, big book.
I carry that thing around with me wherever I go.
Um, I get to, to share that.
Big book with, uh, with other men now.
Um, but that was given to me at that first meet.
Um, and I'm, I'm very grateful for that.
Um, so that was my first being tossed into, to a, a, and being shown just a glimpse of what goes on here.
That, that people change their life.
Um, I really didn't understand what it was.
It didn't make any sense to me.
And the very next day I flew back to Michigan where I grew up.
Uh, cause I didn't really have a place to go.
Um, and there I was in a place that I had run away from.
Back living in my, my father's house.
And, uh, thinking that what was me, you know, I've thrown away my whole life, my career.
The, the woman who, who was there for me.
There's nothing left for me.
I've thrown away my life and nothing will happen after this.
I'm 36 years old and it's over.
It's just over.
Um, and thankfully people with a lot more time, uh, let me know that there was a lot of life after 36 and there's going to be a good life if I just kept coming back.
Uh, I didn't, didn't know what that meant.
I didn't know, um, what was, but I knew that when I was in the meeting.
I knew that when I was in the meeting.
I knew that when I was in the meeting.
I knew that when I was in the meeting.
There were people who seemed to be doing all right.
I knew that after I kept coming back that, you know, these people that I thought had to be lying were showing up every day.
That when I kept coming back, there were people who were showing up after me and doing what was suggested to them and, and doing better or having a better time than I was.
You know, it took me a while to figure out.
Um,
don't drink and go to meetings.
Again, I got partial credit because I was going to meetings.
I just wasn't stopping drinking in between.
Um, and, and, and this time I, you know, I get a few weeks, I get a few, few months and I like, you know what?
I got this.
I can get back to my old life in New York.
Everything will be back on track because now I am sober for a hundred days.
Um, and, uh, you know, inevitably I'd get back to New York.
Something very small would happen, uh, that seemed very large to me and I started drinking again and, um, and I'd, uh, I'd end up back in Michigan and that I did that bounce back and forth thinking that if I could just, um, get a little bit of time, I could say thank you to you very nice people and get back to the life that I so desperately wanted for getting that, you know, that life was burning down around me and causing me a lot of pain.
Um,
um,
and, uh,
thankfully,
uh,
I,
I got to the point where I,
I just didn't know what to do anymore.
I had,
I had some information,
um,
that you guys had given me,
but it wasn't keeping me sober.
I wasn't using it.
There,
there were tools laid at my feet,
but I wasn't picking them up.
Um,
and,
uh,
I,
I had gotten drunk one more time.
Um,
and then at this point it was just,
it had become obvious to me when I first got into the rooms,
I thought,
you know,
if I ever put a little bit of effort into this,
I could,
I could probably,
you know,
I could do this on my own.
I couldn't do this.
And by this point,
um,
the compulsion was just so great.
And,
and the,
um,
that mental obsession,
uh,
you know,
as soon as that first drink,
uh,
hit my lips,
uh,
you know,
that it was everything.
It was all I could think about was the next drink.
All I could think about is how am I going to hide this long enough to keep this going?
Uh,
how am I,
um,
just going to keep,
keep this going?
Um,
so I,
I picked up a drink again and I,
I was in it and I,
I,
uh,
I was with my father and I just,
I had a moment of clarity and I just said,
listen,
tomorrow morning,
I'm going to get up and I'm going to convince you that I don't need help because I've gotten really good at that.
Um,
but I,
I need you no matter what to take me to rehab tomorrow.
Um,
and I'm really,
um,
I'm,
I'm grateful that,
that,
uh,
I,
I was able to do that.
I'm grateful that I got help to do that and,
and to walk in those rooms.
Um,
the sponsor I was working at with at the time,
uh,
let me know that eventually that's what he had to do.
And,
um,
and,
uh,
once he got,
uh,
there,
things are changing for him.
I,
I went in there,
uh,
really defeated.
And,
um,
but when I got there,
I found that,
that I knew I really wanted this.
I didn't know if I could do it.
I really didn't think I could.
Uh,
I thought there was something,
something completely wrong with me.
And when I got here,
I thought,
I thought that,
you know,
I wasn't like anyone here.
And then I,
I got to a point where I just thought maybe,
maybe I'm the stupid one.
Maybe I can't figure this out or anything.
Um,
and I got out of,
um,
I have rehab.
Wow.
It's a lot later than I thought.
Uh,
and I want what I wanted to kind of focus on,
uh,
the hope of this,
whether I've been thinking about this as Tim asked me to speak with you tonight.
Um,
there are some key moments and I know when I got out of rehab,
um,
they asked me to do,
um,
some outpatient therapy with a group of other,
other people.
And I,
I was excited to be trying something new,
just anything to help me stop drinking in between meetings.
I went there and my,
my,
my sponsor who I found in the,
the,
the man who eventually helps walk me,
uh,
walk next to me,
shoulder to shoulder through the steps.
Uh,
it said,
you know,
you really like talking,
um,
maybe when you go to group therapy,
maybe just listen and see if there's someone there that,
that,
that you can be of service to maybe someone you can help.
And,
uh,
I thought,
you know,
well,
I don't know what you mean.
And obviously I'm the one who needs help.
I'm the one going to therapy,
totally forgetting that there are other people in the room in this group
therapy.
Um,
and at that very first meeting,
there was another guy sitting across from me scared,
just like I was to be in there.
Um,
and,
uh,
Jim,
Jim happened to be,
uh,
blind and had never been to an AA meeting.
But I had.
And,
uh,
I,
I told Jim afterwards,
you know,
if you want to go to a meeting,
you can,
you can,
I'll take you there.
And we spent,
uh,
the next,
uh,
or that whole summer just going to meetings together,
picking them up and,
and,
and driving him.
And,
you know,
a lot of times it was a lot of,
uh,
two alcoholics fighting and,
and,
uh,
cursing each other out.
And,
and everything else.
But we both stayed sober.
You know,
we,
we went to meetings,
we found sponsors,
um,
and,
you know,
uh,
Jim calls me today,
sometimes struggling.
Um,
but I know I can be there for him if,
if he needs me to be,
I can pick up the phone at least.
I,
I can't get Jim sober,
but I know that that summer something changed.
For me,
I know that,
that just,
uh,
showing up for service,
not even knowing what service was,
but showing up,
uh,
change something for me.
And,
and suddenly I didn't have to,
to think about the next drink so much.
Suddenly I didn't have to be stuck in my own head with the thoughts all the time.
I had to go pick up Jim.
I had to get to a meeting.
Um,
so that one really stood out to me.
Uh,
as something,
you know,
at the time I,
I didn't know what I was doing.
I didn't think I was doing anything else,
but it was suggested to me that maybe I looked for something like that.
And I was able to follow a suggestion as able to show up for someone else.
And those things looking back changed my life.
These small things changed my life.
Um,
the other,
the other thing that I was thinking about is,
um,
is,
uh,
well I lost that one.
Apparently I thought about it too hard probably.
Um,
but,
uh,
the thing that did that stick out to me is,
you know,
I,
I,
I moved down to Atlanta because,
uh,
the woman that I met who's never seen me take a drink,
um,
but knows who I am,
who I've been able to open up to and share myself with and who accepted me.
I,
you know,
never in a million years,
was I going to,
show myself to anyone man,
woman otherwise,
because if you saw who I was deep down at my car,
you would run away and you would leave me alone just like that.
That was my,
my belief,
my fear that was sitting at the center of me.
And here I am sitting with someone six feet away who knows this story,
but hearing it again and,
and I don't have to be afraid anymore,
you know,
I have you guys,
I have a higher part of my life as ill defined as,
as little as I understand it,
there's something there that I don't know.
Um,
but I moved down here because she,
she moved down here and man,
all the red flags of early sobriety start going off in my head and how am I going to do this?
And,
and you know,
one sponsor once told me if I talk to a girl,
I'm going to die.
Um,
you know,
all,
all these things,
uh,
that really went off.
But I shared that at meetings.
I talked to my sponsor about it.
I got advice and,
and I,
I,
I did the things that they were asking me.
And,
you know,
I come down to visit her and,
and like I said,
something put NABBA in my,
in my life.
She,
we stayed at,
uh,
uh,
uh,
Airbnb,
uh,
near here.
And I,
I had my first meeting in Atlanta,
uh,
St.
John the Divine.
Uh,
and I met,
uh,
someone who regularly goes to the 730 AM meeting at NABBA.
And he said,
this is a great meeting,
but you should really go there next time you're here.
So I showed up and I just,
every time I came down,
I went to that meeting and it was funny,
you know,
that meeting looks so much like my home group in Michigan.
There was,
you know,
someone who was just like Barb or someone who was just like Tim S.
There was someone else.
And,
and I understood,
uh,
these people,
they,
they're,
they're great,
you know?
And the fact that it was a literature meeting,
just like my home group was,
and I could get in to the literature,
um,
really meant something to me.
And so for months,
I'd come down here on the,
you know,
every four or five weekends and I'd,
uh,
I'd go to that meeting.
And then there was someone there who was,
who was,
um,
cooking breakfast on Saturday mornings.
And,
you know,
I had left the restaurant industry cause I could not work and not drink.
I couldn't do it.
And here was a place where I could finally go back in,
do something that I'd been passionate about for so long and still,
still do service.
And it was there.
Everything was laid out for me.
All I had to do was show up.
You know,
that's the amazing thing that keeps being shown to me is that if I show
up,
beautiful things happen.
So all the time I get in my way often I,
I lose track of that very simple thought often,
but I have a center and that center is AA.
That center is,
uh,
my home group.
That center is the service that I found that I never had in my life before.
I had,
I had great ideas of what a great person I was.
I had these great theories about how I'd really love to do volunteer work.
But you know,
my life kind of gets in the way.
And you told me just do put into action,
do something,
see what happens.
Um,
you know,
I,
I just am internally grateful for the person that you're helping me to become
the person I was always meant to be.
I'm not there yet.
You know,
probably won't,
won't ever get,
get there,
but I,
I get a little bit closer when I,
I show up,
I get a broader view of the world.
You know,
I love what my,
my sponsor used to tell me that all I get is this little key hole.
That's all I see the universe through.
But then I come to a meeting and you'd give me your key.
You give me your key hole.
And then I get a little more of the mosaic.
I see a little bit more.
You constantly,
uh,
show me things that I never could have come up with on my own.
And that,
that's how,
um,
that's how we got sober,
um,
by doing that.
And I really,
truly appreciate that.
Um,
my life is immeasurably better than it was before.
Um,
I get to work with other men and in that they show me more of myself.
I get,
get more in,
uh,
and I opened myself up in ways that I didn't know were possible.
Um,
I'm able to try to truly be part of someone's life now,
whether that's the people in my family that I have long been known,
known the longest and held the deepest resentments towards,
uh,
or,
or just someone coming in for the first time,
because that's what you did for me.
Um,
so again,
I am just,
um,
thrilled that,
that I get to be a part of this.
I get to be a part of this program with you and that I was able to share a little bit of my experience,
strengths and hope with you tonight.
So thank you.
Thanks,
Jonathan.
Thank you,
Jonathan.
Thank you so much.
Thank you,
Jonathan.
I remember when you came to the 730.
That was so nice.
I remember you being there when I got there.
Yeah.
Thank you,
Jonathan.
It was a great,
great,
great story.
So it was wonderful.
Yeah.
Really wonderful.
Wonderful.
Thanks,
Jonathan.
Do you hear me?
Great message is right.
Jonathan,
you're,
you're making a real positive difference in our lives and I speak for everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for being with us tonight.
You.
Next stop,
and you will need these.
Do you see your.
As I roll from town to town
Can't put the bottle down
Right now it feels like it's killing me
Life out here gets so depressing
Need something to take the edge, you see
I got nowhere to hide
An empty hole inside
It's the bottle, the book, or the gun for me
Seems like everyone's out to get me
Trouble always following me
Feeling like I just can't outrun
Steaming sad
Or all around me
yd
Remembering we might not meet
Remembering we might not meet
Remembering we might not meet
You've got to go attend those meetings
Yeah
Had a problem with honesty
What you see is my heart beating
A menace from a son I'll never see
I'm a victim of life's circumstances
Take every pill from A to Z
I try to blot it out
That feeling of self-doubt
It's the Bible, the book, or the gun for me
It's the Bible, the book, or the gun for me
It's the Bible, the book, or the gun for me
I'm a victim of life's circumstances
It's the Bible, the book, or the gun for me
It's the Bible, the book, or the gun for me
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