Show Up, Pay Attention, and Tell the Truth – Tom W.

I've heard several of his tapes, and he almost needs no introduction in our area.nPlease help me welcome Tom W.nMy name is Tom, and I am an alcoholic.nAnd I'm glad to be here on a Saturday night.nI live up in Oakland, and I work most weekends doing desperate things with alcoholics.nAnd I'm never around on a Saturday night, so a chance to get to a meeting and hang outnwith desperate people in San Jose is a plus.nAnd it's really nice for me to come and see that there are some people...npeople still alive and out of jail, you know, that I have been noticing over the last 15nplus years that I've been connecting, so that feels good.nAnd for folks that I haven't yet met, I was just reflecting as I was listening to thenfirst speaker that we've never met before, and so much of his story, the feelings andnthe thinking and the craziness is the way I think and feel.nI just...nI just make that connection pretty easily.nMy sponsor is a hopeless alcoholic and needs meetings as much as anybody I've ever met innmy whole life.nAnd he's of the opinion, with 25 years sober, but what does he know?nHe's of the opinion that if you go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and are able to identifynwith the speaker, you're in a pretty good place.nAnd if you go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous...nand don't identify with the speaker at all, it means you need another meeting.nSo he's been nagging and whining about that towards me over the last 20 years, and I...nyou'd think I'd get it more quickly, but I don't.nI need a lot of repetition.nAnyway, what I get to talk about is what it was like and what happened and what it's like now.nThis is a dangerous time of the year for me, and again, we have different...ndifferent dangerous times.nI'm personally...nI like the fall, I like autumn a lot, but the slipperiness of this period is that it's election time.nAnd I don't know about you, but I can get swept up in things, and I have been knownnto hold on to resentments which cross state lines.nAnd it was real important for me, when I began going to meetings, to hear about...nabout the traditions that said that outside controversial issues stay outside.nAnd it was important because I had never been able to do that.nI got sober during the...nYou can't really say the late Ford presidency because it was so short, but...nI got sober during the Ford presidency, and I was drunk for the bicentennial celebration in July of 1976.nI...nvaguely remember the great ships coming into the New York Harbor.nI was not there, but I was having a couple of social drinks while watching the television.nAnd then I kind of come out of the haze somewhere in August of 1976, and there was Mr. Ford,nand he was giving the acceptance speech for being nominated president that year.nAnd I looked it up later, and I found out that my first day without...ndrinking was that Wednesday, August the 18th of 1976.nAnd by the time November came around, I was a couple of months sober, and I was a total lunatic.nTotal lunatic.nSome people get excited about some stuff.nSome people get excited about other stuff.nPolitical stuff has always made me real nuts.nAnd I have been right-wing and left-wing and radical middle-of-the-road,nand the one thing that I've consistently held on to is that when I've believed something,nI've really believed it.nAnd if you disagreed with me, not only were you wrong, you were stupid.nSo for my own recovery, I really needed to have a good introduction into how the traditions work,nespecially around the only requirement for membership is the desire to...nstop drinking.nIt doesn't say the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking and agree with Tom.nThat's not in the tradition.nAnd that tense tradition that says that outside controversial stuff stays outside.nAnd the tradition makes special mention of politics, sectarian religion, and alcohol reform.nAnd I think that's really wise because we have a tendency, I mean, we as people, but definitely alcoholics,nto hold strong feelings and break out in fistfights.nI was sober a couple... I stayed away from politics for my first four years sober because I was so nuts.nAnd then I figured, I'm well enough.nAnd I was going to meetings in Los Angeles.nI was living down there, that's why I was going to meetings there.nAnd I was not commuting, you know, to go to meetings.nAnd I started dabbling with the candidates just a little bit.nAnd then I got real involved.nAnd then I started carrying literature around in my car and, you know, signing up voters.nI mean, cans.nAnd I knew that my higher power wanted me to tell all of you about my candidate.nAnd I had all this literature in the car.nAnd thank God I left it in the car.nAnd I went to the meeting and I had a moment of clarity.nAnd what I realized there was...nAnd this was a meeting I loved.nIt was at Plummer Park in central LA.nSanta Monica Boulevard.nAnd truly dangerous, crazy, self-obsessed, whiny alcoholics would come to this meeting.nAnd I just identified with them and felt right at home.nBut the moment of clarity was the realization that there were people in that roomnwho thought that King George III was our best president.nAnd there were other people who wanted to start by blowing up the Bank of America.nAnd, you know, it was a little intense.nAnd the moment of clarity was this is not the stuff that unites us.nThis is the stuff that divides us.nAnd it's real important, again, to keep that outside.nI was in Poland a few years ago.nI do get to travel.nAt the end of my drinking, I never left my room because they were out there.nBut sober...nAnd if you don't know who they are, you might not be ready to get sober yet.nAnd someone in Berkeley said that paranoia is just total awareness.nAnd I like that.nThat is a keen insight into my way of living.nBut about 8 or 10 or 12 years ago, you know, somewhere there,nI got to go to Poland and I was working in Sweden for a while.nAnd I really do believe in little geographics.nI find they really help.nLeave the country, go somewhere else, work for a while, come home.nI've done that more than once.nSo I went to Poland and I went to some meetings in Poland.nAnd this is when the communist government was still running things.nThings were a little intense, but alcohol is synonymous existed in Poland.nAnd by some moment of grace, we got connected with sober people in Poland.nAnd...nThe chances of that happening were slim.nBut there we were and we were in Warsaw.nAnd we were staying with a fellow and his wife and their couple of kids.nAnd he was very, very sober and very in AA and about five years sober.nAnd he had been a very active member of Solidarity.nAnd this was the labor union that had helped change the Polish society so much.nIn fact, he spent some time in jail because he was an active union member.nAnd he got sober and he was doing a life.nAnd somehow an article appeared in one of the papers about getting sober and recovery and alcoholism.nAnd a phone number was listed and he was on the phone duty and someone called.nThe person who called was a high-ranking member of the government who said he couldn't stop drinking.nSo this fellow Solidarity member who had spent some time in prison made a 12-step call on this high-ranking member of the military government.nAnd found out that he was sober.nAnd he was talking to the man who threw him in prison.nOutside controversial issues stayed outside.nAnd at the time we visited them, he was that man's sponsor.nIf it can happen there, it can happen here.nBut there's reasons for it.nSo anyway, I just want to mention that.nBecause I think it's one of the things that I don't always observe.nAnd I...nThe things we need to do.nBecause there are so many things we just don't agree on.nI was in New Mexico a while ago.nAnd I've happened to fall in love with some people down there.nBecause of meetings and program and a few other connections.nAnd I loved them before I knew how they voted.nAnd I showed up at this fellow's house.nI was going to spend the weekend there.nI was talking at a conference in Hobbs, New Mexico.nWhich they call Hobbs.nAmerica, down there.nAnd he had a large photograph of a former governor of California.nAnd I told him that I would have to sleep with one eye open, you know.nAnd we were able to expand our world, you know.nAnd it was fine.nAnd without the program, I simply would not have had a heart or a head big enoughnto even have a conversation with this guy.nSo, I'm real glad to be sober.nBut let me tell you about what it was like and what happened and what it's like now.nWhat it's like now is it's gotten worse.nFor newcomers and visitors, you need to know that they do not ask peoplenwith a lot of mental health to share at meetings.nWith the exception of the first speaker.nHe was fine.nBut what they want to do, the thinking is,nif they get someone who is clearly a barely functioning person to talk,neveryone else will feel better about themselves.nAnd go home thinking that they're doing just fine.nAnd that's how it works.nSo, I am not here as a role model.nI am here as a warning.nAnd as long as you understand that,nthat will get along fine.nI had someone come up to me and,noh, they didn't like something I said.nAnd we were not going to be best friends.nThat was real clear.nAnd she thought that because she was so horrified by something I said,nI would change.nAnd I told her that not only will I not change,nI will always mention this thing that bothered you so much.nAnd I won.nI read the book.nShe can tell you that,nyou know,nthat's not a big deal.nShe knows what I mean.nI think that's great.nI read the book,nI don't read the book a lot,nbut I read the book.nAnd parts of the book speak to me,nand parts of the book are always a surprise to me.nThe copy I got,ndoesn't have any pictures in it.nAnd that bothered me for a long time.nAnd what I've done with the book,none of the,nyou know,nwhat tools,ndo i use to stay sober i i read some of the book i read several of the pamphlets that i that justnsave my butt regularly the jack alexander article i think is brilliant i when i am feeling reallynhopeless and my sponsor's machine is not connected i read the jack alexander article i also reallynlike the pamphlet called um a member's eye view and i very much like the pamphlet that says sonyou think you're different those are my three favorite pamphlets and the book so those arenthings i use but but i was in new mexico and and i have a a little habit that when i open the booknand start reading it in real um but i was in abecu new mexico i was trying to make some kindnof contact with the higher power one more time i was not being real successful i um was at anbenedictine monastery that was vegetariannand um miles from the paved road and no telephones and no electricity andnum i was feeling far away from you and i opened the book and it was under the sectionnwritten he had to be shown now this is one of the original stories from the firstnedition of the big book and here's what it reads when i was 18 at the end of high schoolnthe high school team had a banquet at a well-known roadhouse outside of akron a roadhouse is a placenwhere you could get a a meal and a drink and it was kind of off the beaten path andneverybody knew where they were but there were no neon signs you knownwe boys drove out in somebody's car and went to the bar on the way to the dining roomnand inin an effort to impress the other boys that i was city bred having lived in scranton and clevelandnthey don't think that's a funny line in scranton and clevelandni think it's a real funny line you knowni asked them if they didn't want a drinknthey looked at one anothernqueerlynand finallynone of them allowednhe'd have a beernand they all followed him each of them sayingnhe'd have a beer tooni ordered a martini extra dryni didn't even knownwhat a martini looked likenbut i heard a man down the bar order onenthat was my first drinkni mean justnsee um at least nownthe industry makes things like annie boone springs farm sweet wine so you can startnuh... with something that doesn't taste like gasoline you knownstarter alcohol you knowncandy with booze inside of it i mean they know what they're doing butnthis kid's very adventurousni kept watching the man down the barnto see what he did with the contraption like that and he just smelled of his drinknand set it down againnso i did the samenhe took a couple of puffs of a cigaretteni took a couple of puffs of my cigarettenhe tossed off half of his martinini tossed off half of mineni tossed off half of minenand it nearly blew the top of my head offni vividly remember my first martini and i was in college being kicked by a mulenit irritated my nostrils i choked i didn't like it there was nothing about that drinknthat i likednbut i watched himnand he tossed off the rest of hisnso i tossed off half of hisntossed off the rest of mine. He ate his olive, and I ate mine. I didn't even like the olive.nIt was repulsive to me from every standpoint. I drank nine martinis in less than an hour.nI can't tell you how I identified with this very square, faceless man from Akron, Ohionin 1938. This has been my insides. I just danced with martinis for a long time and thoughtnthey were sensational, and they were just deadly. I was listening to a guy up in Oaklandnin the past year, and he was at a meeting talking about the disease of alcoholism, andnhe said that...nAlcoholism was a lot like dancing with a gorilla. You're not done dancing until thengorilla is done dancing.nNow it's important to reflect on that for a couple of minutes because the subtlety ofnthe image might be something you missed, because early in the evening, you think you're inncharge.nYou've asked the gorilla out, you think the gorilla's kind of cute, you're getting alongnpretty well, and in the back of your head you figure later on you might get lucky, younknow?nYou don't know you're in trouble until the moment comes in the evening when you wantnto sit the next dance out, and the gorilla doesn't want to.nAnd you discover you keep dancing.nA little bit later on, the gorilla tells you that you're going to tango, and you explainnthat you don't know how to tango, and you find out the gorilla doesn't care.nYou tango, and you end up doing unspeakable things, and you're absolutely out of control.nThere was a commercial done a few years ago, Samsonite luggage put in the gorilla cage,nyou know?nAnd the gorillas just knock the shit out of these things, and they survive really nicely.nA lot of us don't, you know?nA lot of us don't.nA lot of us get drowned up by the gorilla over and over and over again.nWe die of overdoses, we suicide, we do drunk driving accidents.nCasualty rates are real high with this particular dance, you know?nPeople who love us look inside the cage.nAnd they see us dancing with the gorilla, and they get real anxious.nAnd they want to run into the cage and rescue us.nAnd then they get their arms and their legs yanked off.nAnd a lot of the Al-Anon program basically says, stay out of the cage.nStay out of the cage, and then you have to talk about your feelings about staying outnof the cage.nI'm going to take the whole meeting.nIf you're clean and sober tonight,nhaven't had a drink today,nhaven't had to do any chemical stuff today,nthat's a real good sign that the gorilla has let go.nIf the gorilla has let go,nget out of the cage.nAnd don't go back into the cageneven when the gorilla starts singing your songnbecause that happens, you know.nIt's so cute and maybe we'll get alongnand I took some lessons and I'm sure it'll be fine.nDr. Gill, who is a sober physiciannup in Marin County and still alive,nhe got sober in Mr. Eisenhower's last year as president.nI remember things according to who's president.nIt has always given me someone to blamenand I just remember who's president, you know.nWho was I blaming for that four-year period?nDr. Gill says that alcoholism is a diseasenthat has three distinct phases.nPhase one is the fun phase.nThis is when it's real fun.nAnd that's a large part of my drinking story.nI had a lot of fun.nWell, drinking.nAnd I mentioned that at a meeting oncenand one of the old-timers,nnot as old as me,nbut nevertheless an old-timer,nsaid,nyou shouldn't mention alcohol and fun.nYou'll trigger the newcomer.nAnd see, I just don't think that's true.nI think it's important to tell the truthnabout your drinking.nAnd if you get hyped, people will die.nAnd if you had a good time for a while drinking,nit's real important,nto say that.nAnd the fact is,nif I could still have a good time drinking,nI'd be doing it.nYou need to know that.nThe fun phase is phase one,nbut it's a real phase.nWhen I drank, I felt smart.nWhen I drank, I felt graceful.nWhen I drank, I felt insightful.nI was a high school kid growing up here in San Jose.nI was real awkward.nI was real uncoordinated.nI drank and it was magic.nIt was magic.nThat's phase one.nPhase two is called fun plus problems.nIt's still fun.nBut you start to have problems.nHangovers, tattoos.nI'm personally grateful,nand again, this is an outside controversial opinion,nand you're sure welcome to do it.nI'm personally grateful, and again, this is an outside controversial opinion,nand you're sure welcome to do it.nI know you disagree with me,nand I will not take offense,nbut I am personally grateful that I got sobernbefore it became fashionable to start piercing everything.nbefore it became fashionable to start piercing everything.nI have met people who have been pierced sober,nand I am glad for them.nand I am glad for them.nYou have job trouble.nYou have relationships.nyou have relationship problems,nyou have family problems.nOne of the earliest problems I began havingnwas the mood swings, you know,nwe call it Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.nI had those a lot.nI was sober just a little bitnand I didn't know if I was sober,nI mean, you know, am I an alcoholicnor am I crazy or do I have a tumor,nyou know, the big question.nI was hoping for tumornbecause if it was fatal,nI'd be dead in three monthsnand then it would be over,nbut if it was alcohol,nwe're at 29.nAnd I thought,nI'm going to have to live sobernfor years and years and yearsnand I personally at that timenwould rather have been dead.nSo I preferred death to sobriety.nBut I went to a meeting in El Cerrito,nOakland,nEmeryville,nOakland,nAlbany,nEl Cerrito.nThat's how you find it in case you're looking.nBerkeley's in there somewhere too,nbut you can skip right over Berkeleynuntil you're five years sober.nWell, it'll make you anxious, trust me.nSo I went to this meeting in El Cerritonto the El Cerrito Fellowshipnand I went to an old-timernand I said,nhow do you know you're an alcoholic?nHow do you know you're an alcoholic?nAnd one of the reasonsnI've been able to stay in Alcoholics Anonymousnis because of the way he answered my question.nHe didn't tell menhow I know I was an alcoholic.nAlthough I have seen alcoholicsntalk to other alcoholicsnin that tone of voicenand it's not the tone of voicento use.nIt's the tone of voicento use to me.nBecause you can't scare menand you can't humiliate menand you can't embarrass menand rather than cooperatenwith that tone of voice,nI have been known to get drunk.nIt just doesn't work.nMy parents used it with mento stop smoking, you know,nand I showed themnI smoked for seven more years.nOh well.nThat's not the point.nThe point isnthe guy didn't tell menhow I would know.nHe told me how he knew he knew.nHe didn't tell menwhat my experience should be.nHe told me what his experience was.nInstead of giving menan inspiring little talknor a sermon,nhe shared his experience.nAnd that's real important for menif I'm going to hang around at meetings.nI need to knownthat you share your experiencenand I get to share mine.nAnd there's lots of different waysnof doing this.nAnd then I can sit in the roomnif I can take what I neednand leave the rest.nThen I can stay here, you know.nAnd here's what he told me,nthis crusty old-timernwith maybe nine months or a year.nHe said that he knewnhe was an alcoholicnbecause he had no waynof guaranteeing his behaviornafter the first drink.nI said, what do you mean?nAnd he said, well,nthere are times that I dranknand nothing happened.nNothing happened.nGot home, no crises,nno problems.nOther times, I would drinknand anything could happen.nAnd he said, I never knewnwhich one it was going to be.nAnd that's my story.nI started listeningnwhen people began talking about,nDr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.nAnd by the way,nif you're looking for something to readnthat is not program approved,nI might suggestnDr. Jekyll and Mr. Hydenby Robert Louis Stevenson.nIt's a terrifying book.nIt's a terrifying book.nAnd there's no recoverynin Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.nMr. Hyde wins, you know.nAnd it's all about this stuffnthat happens when you drink.nIt's pretty scary.nI, not...nI not only had a bad casenof Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,nI also had a pretty good dosenof Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.nAnd I would drinknand I would become happynor dopey or sleepy or grumpy.nOccasionally, I'd turn into Snow White.nI had no ideanwhat was going to happen.nWhat?nSo,nso,none plus problems.nYou know, also,nand I want to mentionnthis particular kind of problem.nLooking back,nit's the scariest thing I ever did.nBut while I was drinking,nit was the thingnI rationalized most easily.nAnd that was the vast amountnof drunk driving that I did.nI drove drunk for years.nAnd I thought it was hilarious.nI thought I was...nI was in high school.nHigh school senior drunk driving.nI remember telling classmates of mine,nI have no trouble driving while drunk.nMy trouble is getting to the car.nHa, ha, ha, you know.nNow, as I'm just edging 50,nyou know, I'm looking backnand I see the behaviornwas absolutely lethal.nAnd any,nany day of the week,nI could have been a statisticnor caused...nAny day of the week,nI could have been a statisticnor caused statisticsnwith the drunk driving.nIt's just horrifying to me.nFun, fun plus problems.nStage three,nalcoholism,naccording to Dr. Paul,nis called problems.nThe book says,nthe good times were gone.nNever again could we recreatenthe great moments of the past.nThey were but memories.nAnd I was in problemsnfor a real long time.nMy biggest thing with my drinking,nI didn't do a lot of jail timenor any jail timenlike the first speaker.nI was in jail time.nI was in jail time.nI was in jail time.nI was in jail time.nI was in jail time.nI was in jail time.nI was in jail time.nI was in jail time.nI was in jail time.nI was in jail time.nI did go to San Quentinnfor a while,nbut I was therenas associate chaplain,nnot inmate.nYou know,nit's a little different.nMy big thing with my drinkingnwas the depression.nThe depressionnand the isolationnand the being inabilitynto functionnand then I would work upnto functioningnand I would functionnfor a whilenand then I would just collapse.nI taught for a long time.nI'm a teachernby teaching.nI started trainingnand my first teaching jobnwas at Mission Highnin San Francisconand moved down to L.A.nand where the riots were,nthat's where I taught schoolnfor the next seven yearsnand I loved my classrooms.nI loved my students.nI loved that part of town.nI felt challengednand alivenand creativenand the drinkingnwas my medicine.nThe drinking is what I usednto deal with anythingnthat wasndifficult or significantnin my life.nLet me jump ahead a little bit.nI was sober a couple of years.nLike maybe four years.nThe tools I were using,nthe tools I were using,ntools I was using,nnever know.nI went to meetingsnto deal withnthe emotional chaosnof my lifenand I wasn't doing anythingnto deal with my ragenand I wasn't doing anythingnto deal with my fearnwhich was real upnand my drinkingnsedated all that stuffnfor a long time.nWhat I used in the classroomnto deal with my studentsnwas ridicule and sarcasmnand I had a real fast mouthnand I taught kidsnwho were twice my sizenand if they ever countednthe votes in the classroom,nthere were 26 of themnin one of me,nso I was just fast on my feetnand fast with my mouthnand brutal.nSo I was three, four,nfive years sober.nIt was time fornstudent evaluationnand we were doingnan oral evaluationnof the classroomnand one of these kidsnwho was 17 years old,n18 years old,nserious young man,nhe turned to menand he said,nhe used my title,nand he said,nthe course material's finenbut you have a waynof making people feelnreal small.nAnd I,nhe was absolutely rightnon the button.nI had to spend some timenlearning how to dealnwith emotional problemsnand stresses and strainsnin other waysnbesides sarcasm,nridicule and humiliation.nWhen I'm tirednor caught off guard,nthat stuff comes right backnand I can havena real fast mouthnand I have to learnnhow to not do thatnday at a time.nBut that has been partnof my fourth and fifth stepnthat was a real big partnof making amends to peoplenbecause of my big,nfat mouth.nAnd I would excuse stuffnbecause I'm funny.nAnd so I would say,noh yeah, yeah,nit was a little cruelnbut it was mostly funny.nUh-uh.nIt was a little funnynand mostly cruelnand I had a lot ofnrelationships like that.nSo I,num,num,nI've had some work to do.nI'm almost donenwith tonight's talknand we can all go homento our moms.nUm,nI, um,nI want to talk a little bitnabout step onenand two and threenbecause at 20 years sobernI, I had a,na different understandingnof one and two and three.nUm,nstep one asksna couple of questions.nStep one saysna couple of things.nStep one asks,nare you still having any fun?nRight?nAnd if the answer is yesnthen you're not goingnto stay around.nGo get done.nYou know,ngo get donenand we'll be happynto talk to you.nThis is not a programnfor people who need it.nThis is a programnfor people who want it.nAnd if your crazinessnis anything like mine,nthe only thingnthat makes me want anythingnis pain and discomfort.nSo I, you know,nif you're,nif you're still drinking successfullynand dating wonderfullynand having success at worknand making a lot of moneynand you're personally grateful,nwell, go do it.nUm,nit has been yearsnsince I've danced that dance,nyou know,nand, and so I just can't havenmuch of a conversationnwith you on those things.nSo I don't argue with peoplenfor whom it's working.nStep one says,nNoah,nit's still raining.nIt's still raining.nStep one says,nGeneral Custer,nmore are coming.nI don't know of anybodynwho has a lot of funnwhile doing the first step.nI mean, the first stepnis an awful experience.nIt basically says,nI am bleeding and on firenand this has been going onnfor some time.nWhen I got sober,nI would bump into peoplenwho called themselvesntwo-steppers.nThey didn't want to work steps.nThey did step one and twelvenis what they saidnand that makes no sense to me.nStep one,nI'm miserable.nStep twelve,njoin me.nWhat?nWhat?nSo the thing for menin recovery,ngetting sober,nhow on earth do you getnfrom step one to step two?nBecause for me,nthe hardest stepnis the second step.nFour and five are inconvenientnand making amendsncan get a little complicated.nBut the really impossible situationnfor me was goingnfrom one to twonbecause one says,nwe're doomednand two says,nthere's hope.nNow, I'm a reader.nI read a lot,ndid a lot of stuff.nI still read a lot.nWhen I was in college,nI used to drink a littlenand smoke non-habitnperforming marijuananand then read existentialist novelists.nSartre, Camus.nI remember in English,nif I could have read them in French,nI would have,nbut it didn't occur to me.nI wasn't that pretentiousnat the time.nBut I would read.nOne of those fellows,nhis name is Franz Kafka.nKafka's a little moodynand a little unhappynand Czechoslovakian,nJewish,ncomplicated life,n1930s.nAnd one of Kafka's lines,nand I identified with thisnso much for years,nKafka writes,nthere is infinite hope,nbut not for us.nNow,nthat's what I believe.nI thought,nfor you there's hope,nfor me there isn't.nYou know,nI mean,nI'm doomed.nYou're going to get along fine,nbut I'm worse than you.nI'm just,nluck of the draw,nit's not going to work out.nSo how do you getnfrom step one to step two?nAnd here is my current reflection on this.nI do not thinknthat Alcoholics Anonymousnis a self-help program.nIt is an open book.nIt is a self-help program.nI think if I could have helped myself,nI never would have had to meetnyou dreary people.nYou know,nand spend lives in roomsnfilled with smokenand, you know,npeople who vote differently than I do.nI didn't get from step onento step twonby marching and workingnall the time.nI didn't get from step one to step twonby working and working.nprogram. That's not how it works. What happened is that I got carried from step one to stepntwo. And I got carried from step one to step two by the higher power, as I understand thenhigher power, through meetings in rooms like these. I did some footwork. I had to cooperate.nI was in pain. I was bleeding and on fire. I went to an awful lot of these meetings.nI made phone calls. I went out for people. I bought a book. I did a lot of stuff, butnthat was just a willingness to participate. I got carried to the second step. And onennight at a meeting in Berkeley, I was sober for a couple of months, six, seven, eightnmonths, and I woke up and I looked around the room and realized that I had just a littlentiny bit of hope. Not a lot!nAnd when I find out, I don't need a lot of hope. I don't know if I've ever had 100% hope.nI mean, I think you get stupid around 90% hope. You just stop paying attention, younknow, and get grateful and lose your critical faculties. And I've never had that experience.nBut I regularly have enough hope to do left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, gonto a meeting, say hello to a newcomer, talk to an old-timer, make coffee. I have enoughnhope for that a lot of times. And sometimes when I don't have very much hope, I just gonback to bed. And there are days like that. This summer, one day, I went back to bed twice.nYou need to know this. I just, I couldn't think of what to do next, so I went back tonbed. And I got up, and that night I made a meeting, and I just said, it's been a realnlong day, and I just haven't had an awful lot of hope. And I go to meetings, and I findnthat your hope is contagious.nAnd if I...nI associate with people with not too much hope, because I don't trust them, but peoplenwho have enough hope, I suddenly am able to do left foot, right foot, left foot, rightnfoot, and then I find I'm in a position of being able to trust the higher power. Again,nnot 100%, but enough. I just need enough to turn it over. There's an 18th century Jesuitntheologian, which is my spiritual background. My training is in that particular reference.nAnd this guy was writing a couple hundred years ago about his difficulty with turningnit all over. And I, I mean, I turn it over, take it back, turn it over, take it back,nturn it over, take it back. And I was trying to explain that to my sponsor, using smallnwords and speaking slowly so he'd get it. And he said, and again, I'm using small words,nI'm unique, I'm the only one doing this. Everyone else at meetings trusts God so muchnand has such a good time with the higher power. And the program was wrong with me. And Terrynsaid, when you find you've taken it back, turn it over. I said, yeah, but what else?nShouldn't I humiliate myself or cut off a finger or something, or, you know? And hensaid, no, just when you find you've taken it back, turn it over. So I, I do that. Butnthis, this 18th century Jesuit said this, if you have...nIf you cannot turn over everything for all time, then just turn over now. And when you'renconscious again, turn over now. And when you're conscious again, just turn over now. And sonthat's how I do step three. I regularly turn over the present into God's care. And I findnthat gives me enough faith and hope to do left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot,nright foot, and then show up somewhere, you know, like at a meeting in Santa Clara. Indon't know the future. I haven't known the future since I stopped taking drugs. And there'sna Baptist, a Baptist hymn that says, I don't know the melody and I'm going to paraphrasenthe words, but the Baptist hymn says, I don't need to know what the future holds becausenI know who holds what.nAnd I just do right foot and left foot and go to meetings where there are women and mennwith hope in here. And I learn how to cooperate with people I don't agree with a lot. Andnfrequently I have a real life. I find recovery is slow business. But it's very real. I thinknit's a struggle a lot of times and I need encouragement. I'm one of those people thatndoes get discouraged and I'm one of those people who has to take real careful attentionnfor don't get discouraged. I'm one of those people who has to take real careful attentionnfor don't get too hungry, don't get too angry, don't get too lonely, don't get too tired.nI have two last points to make and I'm done. When I was younger and even more arrogant,nI thought that I could handle hungry just fine. And I could handle hungry and angry.nHungry, angry, lonely, all operating at the same time, complicated my life. But I didn'tnreally need to call my sponsor or change my sponsor. I just did what I was told. I don'tnhave to change my sponsor or change my life. I just did what I was told. That was all Inhave to do. I just did what I was told. I don't have to change my sponsor or change my life.nThank you for watching.nmy behavior, unless all four were blowing up at the same time. Then I had to do somenaction. Now I find, 20 years sober, 49 and a half years old, any one of them puts menin a dangerous place. And I find paradoxes, in my life there's a lot of paradoxes, butnin many ways, I'm in real good shape today. And at the exact same moment, I'm a mess.nEqually true. I'm resilient and flexible, and at the exact same time, I'm brittle andnfragile. I find that to be quite interesting. Little bits can throw me way off, and thenna little bit of fine-tuning can bring me back. It's a daily program. So I reachnthe hungry. I skip meals. I still do that. I keep thinking that you should eat, but I'mnbusy. And then at 3 o'clock in the afternoon, and I want to start shooting people, becausenthey have turned into swine. And it's for their own good, you know. And I won't killnthem, I'll just shoot them in the knees so they'll remember. And I'll call my sponsornwith my...n...nmy rage, and he'll listen for a few moments, and then he'll ask in his judgmental tonenof voice, have you eaten? When I'm talking about deep meaning and significance, and henasks about burritos, you know, give me a break. I don't always notice when I'm angry. I mean,nI don't. I mean, I'm from a half-Irish, half-Swedish background. We don't get angry, we get even.nAnd I'm from a tradition where we would get you extra cups of coffee hoping you'd chokenon them, you know. That's where I come from. So I don't notice I'm angry, I just suddenlynnotice I'm right. And you're wrong, and you must be punished, and this gives me no pleasure.n... scenario. And I call, I lived in L.A. for a long time. Maybe it only seemed likena long time. I move back up here, and I'm the one that moved, but I felt abandoned.nAnd I called my sponsor, and I said, I'm feeling so lonely. And he said, yes. And Insaid, yes? Fix me! I mean, what do we pay these people for? And he said, Tom, there'snnothing to fix. Sometimes we all get to feel lonely. What should I do? Make some phonencalls, go to a meeting, talk to a newcomer, put up with an old-timer, you know. Dig innthe yard, pet the cat. I mean, it passes. But that comes up. And the tired, I don'tnnotice I get tired. I notice I get hopeless. You suddenly were doomed, and the sun's burningnout, and, you know, it's never going to get better ever, and you can't get good peanutnbutter anymore. And that's when I have to really do some stuff around making sure thatnI get emotionally recharged and physically recharged.nSo it's real important stuff in my program. And I still clearly have trouble with that.nLast point. I was at a meeting in Stockholm, one of my geographics, and an American womanncame into the meeting. And I've always had a little difficulty around people who arensober who only have peak experiences now that they're sober. And they're so grateful andnlove everybody, and I've never been to a bad meeting. And I tell them they should travelnwith me. I mean, I'll show them.nOh, please.nSo I was at this English-speaking meeting in Stockholm. This American woman came in.nI had never seen her before. But I find God has given me the gift of critical insights.nAnd I do not have to know you at all to take your inventory. And she, by the way, is mynfirst school friend. She's all my life, and I spend my whole life with her. And she'sna great person.nBy the way, she walked.nI knew she needed my advice.nAnd she sat down and complained and whined and nagged about things.nAnd I thought I'd straighten her out.nAnd we don't give advice in AA, but she needed it, you know.nSo I made an exception for her and did it, you know, did it.nI did to her the kind of stuff that I hate when it happens to me.nAnd I ended by the patronizing little, keep coming back, little lady, it gets better, you know.nAnd one day you'll grow up and be like me.nWell, she looked at me and she said, you know, keep coming back, it gets better.nShe said, we don't say that in New York.nAnd I said, oh, really?nWell, what is it that you say in New York?nAnd she said, in New York, we say keep coming back.nFirst, it gets better.nThen it gets worse.nThen it gets real.nThen it gets worse.nThen it gets different.nThen it gets real different.nAnd this is my experience.nSober living is real different than any other way of living that I've had before.nAnd I've had to learn a lot and do a lot of, not just do a lot of change,nI've had to cooperate with a lot of change.nAnd just a fine point on that, and this might be whiny and naggy,nand if so, I apologize.nI apologize in advance, but we add things on at the end of meetings where I live.nAnd, you know, please keep coming back, it gets better if you work it,nand so work it and read the book and take your sponsor out to lunch.nI mean, all these things we chant at the end.nAnd that business, it works if you work it.nIt's just never, again, to me that sounds like Rambo spirituality self-help program crap,nyou know, and buy Tony Robbins' safe and make him rich.nThat's never made sense to me.nAnd I heard someone at a meeting say this instead.nShe said, keep coming back, it works if you let it.nIt works if you let it.nAnd that's consistent with my understanding of it.nI am my biggest enemy.nI am my biggest problem.nMost of my craziness comes out of the fact that I get in my own way all the time.nAnd what the program does is it gives me tools and a fellowship to help me get out of my waynso that God can help me.nSo that God can help me.nSo that God can help me.nSo that God, as we understand God, can make a difference in my lifenand take me to a place of hope and service.nYou know, hope and service.nAnd in my tradition, those always go together.nSo I'm just real grateful to be sober tonight and glad to be here.nAnd it's been an honor to hang out with such a group of desperate women and men.nThank you.