Self-Love Is in the Big Book but I Kept Skipping the Pages With Roman Numerals – Bob E.

It's my pleasure to introduce our speaker of the evening, Bobby from Dana Point, California. Hi everybody, I'm Bob and I'm an alcoholic. Hi. You know, I've only been in this room a few minutes, and I can tell that this has already been handled by a very professional, sharp crew. You took up the collection before I talked. I thought it would be proper for me to share with you a few things so that you get to know me right off the bat. I don't want to keep you in suspense. You see, I used to be the guy who sat out there and looked at the people up here, you know, at conferences and conventions and roundups. I'd say, oh brother, when this talker got up there, I'd say, oh brother, here we go again. It's going to be thanks to committee for inviting me. I'm proud to be here, and you all look so beautiful, and I almost threw up. Do you mind if I say three things to you tonight? One. Two. Three. Four. Five. God, you do, you look beautiful, I tell you. And I'm very, very honored, honored to be here. Had a good day today. Pat, my wife, Pat, would you stand up? Meet my wife, Pat. Pat was born in a little town called Fortuna in Humboldt County. Well, Pat and I went down to Old Town today. I'm going to share with you a little bit about my alcoholic personality, two or three just little one-liners here, just to get you in the mood. We were down at Old Town today, and I wound up in one of those big fancy department stores down there. Pat and I split. I went to the men's area, and she went to the ladies' area. Do you know that I carried on a conversation there for about thirty seconds with a nice-looking mannequin? I immediately looked around to see who was watching. I was watching. But to show you how much I've grown, I went over and told Pat immediately about that, and we both laughed. On the other hand, when we got back to the room this afternoon over at the inn, we were staying. I was in the bathroom there, and I was sitting there, and I noticed that one of the maids didn't quite perform her duties properly. I mean, she wasn't very thorough. I noticed that the toilet paper roll was on backwards. So I did, I suppose, what any one of us would do with an alcoholic personality like I have. I fixed it. I fixed it. I fixed it. I fixed it. I fixed it. I fixed it. I fixed it. I fixed it. I fixed it. I fixed it. I fixed it. I fixed it. I fixed it. I fixed it. I fixed it. I fixed it. It worked. I fixed it. I fixed it. It worked. It worked. Then to share with you a couple of minutes about feelings I had about being here tonight, I have to go back to late August, early September, when I received a letter from the NCAA. And, God, I just loved the words from the letter. I thought, oh, my dear, I just love to read. I think I read the first letter. I still did. I left college football a long time ago. I didn't know what was going on. And then I had to look at it again, and it says NCCAA. And it's dated the 28th of August, 1982. And it's addressed to me. Dear Bob, we are especially pleased that you will be with us at our Northern California Council's fall conference in October. You know. And I had to ask Pat, what the hell is this all about? He said, I don't know. And I thought maybe they got it misaddressed and should have sent this letter to a Bob E. up in Los Angeles that a few of us know about. But you see how much I've grown, it only took me two days to call with a gal at the bottom of the paper here to find out what was going on. Now that's broke for me. I had obviously screwed up, and I didn't want to admit it, but I found out that Marilyn had called me on my natal birthday on the 28th of March, and I didn't remember it. So I saw a sign down there today that puts me right in the proper perspective down there at Old Town. There was a bumper sticker down there that says, you know, I know I ain't perfect, but I got some good parts. And I read off the bat this evening, I don't want to leave you with any misconceptions. I was not born an alcoholic. I mean, when that doctor took me and tipped me upside down and patted me on my popo, I did not hiccup. I'll tell you that, you know. I, uh, when I came here, I had some real problems identifying with some of you older dingies who said, I got around at these meetings and you could, my God, you could quote me the day, hour, week, year, and month that you had your first drink. And I couldn't do it then, and I can't tell you now when I had my first drink. But on the other hand, it was so peculiar because you couldn't tell me when you became an alcoholic. You talked about some invisible line that you'd crossed. And I didn't identify with that either. You see, I... I know exactly when I became an alcoholic. It was my sixth meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's when I became an alcoholic. Yeah, I, uh, I didn't want to give any misrepresentation to our newfound friends here tonight. I... And I'm missing something tonight here. Can I, can I do something with your permission? I... Can we have the people with less than, uh, well, let's say less than six months of sobriety in this room stand up? Oh my. That's beautiful. I, uh, hey, uh, let's go one step further. How many people have a birthday this week or next week? Would you stand up? All right. Woo! . Now, for you newcomers, this birthday celebration is a ridiculous routine. . . When I first got here, I saw grown men and women hugging each other. . When I first got here, I saw grown men and women hugging each other. . When I first got here, I saw grown men and women hugging each other. . When I first got here, I saw grown men and women hugging each other. . When I first got here, I saw grown men and women hugging each other. . When I first got here, I saw grown men and women hugging each other. . When I first got here, I saw grown men and women hugging each other. All four became adults for six months. . All four became adults for six months. . All four became adults for six months. . The rest of my family were grown men. . The rest of my family were grown men. . The rest of my family were grown men. . The rest of my family were grown men. . The rest of my family were grown men. . . All of a sudden, I see you while gold and silver jusquo, I saw them품, kicking, cross, download, blah blah, up his head and say, . All four became adults for six months. people do. I want the newcomers to also know that when my first birthday rolled around, I took seven cakes. I was looking for the eighth, but I couldn't find a meeting that served one. I was not an alcoholic at sixteen years of age. After choir practice one night, a few of us went out in the guy's garage and snorted a few snorts. As a result of that evening I was convicted of second degree kidnapping. I wasn't an alcoholic. I got most of the probation because it was my car and I was the driver, but I went through it and knew it. I had no idea how to handle it.的 near time I little died in my car. You can do I wasn't an alcoholic. I wasn't an alcoholic when I was creeping and crawling on my hands and knees across the lobby of the Imperial Hotel in downtown Tokyo a few years later. I wasn't an alcoholic the next morning, as a matter of fact, after that incident when the police couldn't identify the guy who had done it the previous night, probably because that next morning he was fully clothed. I was not an alcoholic a few years later when Pat and I were living in Daly City, as a matter of fact. And we had purchased our first new home. And the first time we had bought a home, we had bought a home in the city. I wasn't an alcoholic. I was a carpenter. And I was down in that garage building a workbench. And I mean the saws were sawing and the hammers were flying. And not being an alcoholic, what I was doing down there in addition to my carpentry work was sorting out of a gin bottle. My excuse was going to be, if Pat ever caught me down there, was that I was practicing on how to drink martinis. It didn't dawn on me that I'd be drinking a martini. It dawned on me that I'd forgot the glass, the ice, the vermouth, and the toothpick in the ice. Of course, those things took up room, you understand. But I wasn't an alcoholic. No way. I wasn't an alcoholic a few years later when it seemed to be routine in our neighborhood. Every Sunday morning at 7 o'clock, four of us, the same four of us, would go out to the golf course and we'd tee off and play golf. And this went on for a lot of months. And not being that alcoholic, you see, it became increasingly difficult to get out of the car. It was increasingly difficult for me to even see the ball at 7 o'clock on a Sunday morning, let alone hit the damn thing. So not being an alcoholic, I did the only thing I could do. I simply quit playing golf. That took care of that problem. Of course, I wasn't an alcoholic the day I stood before a man I didn't want to stand before. And he happened to be my boss. And not being an alcoholic, I didn't want to stand before him. I didn't want to stand before him. I didn't want to stand before him. I didn't want to stand before him. I started after that man because he's 마 militant. I didn't want to stand before him because I don't paper hot kids at all for that at all. I said, What can't any country do without the man's boss who's talking while you're gradually telling everything about the nobles and the low-life and thefta ? No, because that gobile is a coward. No, it's an ugly state of mind, you don't want to show up there to be made... A president wasל doinе the story. He didn't want to fight. Said the man powder. Well, he didn't. He didn't want to do it. He wanted to. He said, Well, how cold is it? What I told him was that I'd heard of a hospital in Long Beach, California, where I understood they had a program where they taught people how to drink better. That's what I told him. Of course, not being an alcoholic, I still had to protect myself, didn't I, because I had to get sarcastic with that guy. As a matter of fact, I told that guy that he could take the battalion I was commanding and he could stick it in his ear. You know, I found out real fast that's not quite the way to talk to a Marine colonel. I think he was just about as surprised about that conversation as I was. Unfortunately, he recovered a hell of a lot faster than I did. . . . . . . . And he had to point his finger at me and he said to me, You, you call the hospital. And he said, I will call the commanding general. And the next day I was gone. And I didn't want to be gone. I did not want to quit. I did not want to give up a job that I had worked 18 and a half years in and walk out the door. There were some other things going on in my life at the time. Pat and I had not communicated in the previous thirty days. I was gone with that battalion training, but even so we had no communication, no telephone calls, no letters, and that wasn't like us. Our two daughters, Rhonda and Laura, seemed to be running from me when I came around the house. The God that I had learned about a long time ago, he and I hadn't communicated in a long time. The bank account wasn't going, and of course the career, in my case, was the last to go. And I knew it was gone, because you don't do what I did, at least in my Marine Corps, and expect to survive. But you see, I remember something about that experience. You see, his office was on the second floor of a building, and I seemed to know that when I walked down those stairs after telling theoni to that guy what I had to tell him, not knowing where the word came from, that the voids down the stairs was a lot easier than the one going up. The next day, in complete and utter disgrace, I left the military base at Kent our sadness. And the next morning, when I made my work of operations, and some folks received'renarratives, and the next I wanted to test things and add healthcare services. base down at Camp Pendleton and checked into what I would like to describe to you now as probably the worst experience that I've ever had in my life. It involved the United States Marines checking into an outfit called the United States Navy Hospital. And I would like to get out of here this weekend, so I'm going to preface my remarks with the statement that this was my attitude then. We were required to check into that place in uniform. It was an old, beat-up World War II barracks converted into a house for drunks. I had to push the doors twice to get them open. Windows and screens were not open. I had to push the doors twice to get them open. I had to push the doors twice to get them open. It seemed to us anyway as if we went straight into an open-air house who are partisans trying to break차pe us without our origin-ники nochtemade healthcare equipment in their hands. The Blastoise was perfect for us regardless of the distancing let-tos, but as that was really slept well out of place, once we were in the house, it was perfect for us. I knew just right from the start what I wanted to do, and such was the time when I had informed my company about this order. But maybe in those hours, we'd be waiting before certainly when the first foes would rest, and when we would return from the tour, we would have to wait just in case we two paces to the rear and I put my thumbs along the seams of my trousers. And I looked down as far as I could at that chief and I commenced to tell him who I thought I was. You see, I got a little bit screwed up because I started off with the rank bit and he interrupted me. He said, no, he said he wasn't interested in all that. He said, what's your first name? And I wanted a strangling. Now, for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I'd like to tell you about a little bit about Marine Corps history, if you don't mind. It's very simple, you see. We've had a lot of experience in this leadership bit. I mean, you don't stand out there in the old gridiron to this guy Nesky and say, Sylvester, would you please attack that hill? And that Navy chief, he knew that. He had that silly sailor smirk on his face. And before he ran, he said one other thing to me. Just as big as you please, he looked me right in the eye and he said, just remember, you're a patient just like the rest of us. And then he ran like hell. And I followed him and I went down this passageway after that turkey and I got interrupted. I was told to go into a little room and check in and I was told I was put on two-weeks medical restriction. And I kept looking around for the turkey commander who had the audacity to put this Marine on two weeks medical restriction. That was further interrupted because about five minutes to ten that morning I was told to go into a room, find a chair, sit down, and listen. I found the room, found the chair, and I sat down. I looked up at the front of the room, and there was a podium there, and it had We Care on the front of it. And at ten o'clock some big, good-looking seabee got out of his chair, and he went up there to that there microphone, and he made one of the biggest jackasses out of himself I guess I've ever seen a grown man do. He stood there before God, me, and everybody, and said the following words, Good morning, everybody. My name is Big John, and I'm an alcoholic. And I thought, You've got to be kidding me. I couldn't believe it. This guy is six foot two, 196 pounds. His trousers are pressed. His boots are signed. He's got a haircut and a shave, and he's telling me he's an alcoholic? And immediately he said three other things I'm going to share with you right now. He said, Number one, he said, Oh, first of all, he said this was the regular Monday morning meeting of the Dry Dock group of the New York Times. I can't even say it. The Dry Dock group of the New York Times. I can't even say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. I can't say it. My immediate reaction was, You less obese and you saying-hiding. You know, Pat had pleaded with me a year and a half before that date to go check these folks out. My reply to her was, What the hell's the matter with you? Why do you want me to go associate with those goofs? But Big John, he carried on. He just kept right on going. First thing he said was, He hadn't had a drink in nine weeks, and I didn't believe him. How the hell do you go nine weeks without a drink? I'm sure he was a drunk, and he was a drunk. I was a drunk. I was a drunk. I was a drunk. I was a drunk. Then he said he didn't need a drink today, and I almost fell out of my chair. I could have used one. But then he got to the powerful stuff. He said he was a grateful alcoholic, and I almost threw up. A grateful alcoholic? Gee. And then he asked for new clothes. I said, I don't need new clothes. I don't need new clothes. I don't need new clothes. Well, that's what he said. He was in his 70s. Ninety six ball Madison des Gos mask is in hismitate. I don't know when he left. But this was when we were in my 90s. But that's all. It was the best party in the country. Wow. That was shortly before I left. I didn't have enough to eat, to drink two hadn't what I had to get up at. But that wasn't special. He'd 말�ash. I got myself a loaded flask. No, I had a full flask on me. I hadn't had that accelerometer on. Did you have theateful fun finally to think, How did I have all of this? I thought, Why am I really going to wake him up? That's really tough. Yeah. I didn't see anybody in that room wearing Holy Tennis shoes, drinking out of a paper sack. I mean, some of those sailors needed to see shine, but I mean, after all, you know. But they were jumping up and down all over that place, and it was just like a giant wave getting closer and closer to me. I didn't know what I was going to do, and at the last minute, this Marine Gunnery Sergeant sitting right next to me, he jumped up and he said he was so-and-so an alcoholic. And I thought, my gosh, if the Gunnery can do it, I can do it. So I jumped up and I said, I'm Bob, and I'm an alcoholic. And I sat back down and I thought, what the hell did you do that for? So, God, I was embarrassed. That was a horrible experience, that meeting. I mean, they got so carried away, John was calling people out of that audience, and they were coming up there at that microphone and that PA system, and I already told you there was no windows in the building, you could have heard them four blocks away. And they were telling me things over that PA system that I had long stopped telling them. And I was telling them, I was telling the priest, only they called it sharing. I'd never done that. I mean, it was juicy information, but I really didn't know what the hell I was going to do with it, you know. I didn't know whether I should take notes, get up and leave, or what. I really didn't. And I'll tell you, at the end of that meeting, that guy, Big John, got back up at that microphone, and folks, he did one of the most disgusting, despicable things I've ever seen. I mean, I was in the middle of the meeting, and I was sitting there, and I was talking to the guy, and I said, I'm going to tell you a couple of things I think I've ever seen a grown man do. That's the first time in my life I ever held hands with a gunnery sergeant, I can tell you that. I went tearing out of that door, and I got about eight feet down that passageway, and another one of those long-haired, short-browsered dudes was standing there in my way. He introduces himself, and he says, My name is Clarence. Then he says, I'm your counselor. And I thought, Oh boy, just what I need. An ADT counselor. He said, You can go to town. I'll be back at 1300. We meet upstairs in room 8. I went to town, and I came back, and I found this clothes closet with eight sailors sitting around in a circle. They were reading something out of a book they called the Big Book. They weren't too courteous in there either. I mean, you would think with my position in life and all that jazz, you know, that they'd at least have the courtesy to start on page one. They just kept right on reading. And, God, it was a horrible day, folks. It really was. And then I found out, because of this two-week restriction they put me on, at the end of the day they told me I was to be billeted on a hospital ship. And I found out the ship was tied up to a pier. That pier out there was connected to an island. They called that Terminal Island. I thought, By God, that's appropriate. All I wanted to do was get some chow. Get a chow. Get a shower. Hit the rack. And forget it. I got my chow, starting dessert. And another one of those damned sailors entered my life. He stuck his head through the hatch, and he just bellared out, Okay, all you alcoholics, fall out. And I thought, Oh, God, who the hell is he talking to? And I poked the guy next to me, and I said, Now what's going on? He said, There's a bus out there in the pier. You'd better get on it. I stumbled out there off that gangplank, and I looked up, and there's U.S. Navy written all over the side of that bus. And I had to get on it. You know what they did to us? They bussed us all the way across that naval station, right out through the main gate. Took a right turn, went down towards Long Beach, got on Highway 7, right out to 405, took us out. I thought they were taking me home today in a point, for God's sake. We got off at Bellflower. Yeah, you know, who was that? Oh, yeah. I'll tell you my experience going through the doors of that Monday night Big Book group. I was attacked by five bouncers. You call them greeters, I call them bouncers. I had a few words to say to them as I went through that door, and they turned hostile on me. In that group, they told me to go and find a chair, sit down, listen, and shut up. They added that one. I didn't hear a thing there that night. Oh, yeah, I did too. I remembered meeting a guy that had 17 years in the penitentiary. Hell, I knew why he was an alcoholic. And especially when I found out that the lady up on the stage was his wife, and all she could do was giggle. That would drive anybody to drink, for God's sake. That was Monday night, and I'd already been to two meetings. Wednesday, I was at my sixth meeting. I was at my sixth meeting that night. And I stood up and I said, I'm Bob, and I'm an alcoholic. And I seemed to know what the heck I was talking about. I seemed to know. And one of the things he gave me was the freedom to make that choice. I didn't have that freedom around Pat. I got very antagonistic around Pat. How would you feel if you had 77 bucks worth of booze dumped down your throat? I'd be down in the sink. I didn't see anybody in this fellowship running around pointing their finger at me, calling me a drunk. Kind of a new experience. Even my counselor, he let me make up my mind. Of course, I knew why he was a drunk. He rode around in submarines for 12 years. God. I want to share with the newcomers here tonight, especially, that the goofy things that I described, I don't want to say that I'm a drunk. But I believe that the goofy things that I described to you, and what I did as the result of drinking alcohol, probably had very little to do with me getting to this fellowship. This is my opinion, about me. I rather believe, and I have come to believe over a period of time that I got here, rather, as the result of the way I felt about what booze made me do as a result of drinking. Maybe I can use a little experience to share this with you, and maybe you'll understand what I'm talking about. This was a day about two weeks before I was to go to Vietnam for another tour of duty. It was a day where the family was together. We happened to be in Virginia. We were on our way to California. It was a Sunday, a day that we'd planned to take the family out to dinner. Oh, that was a good day. It was a good day up until about two o'clock in the afternoon when I made a mistake. I had a drink of alcohol. And by 5.30, when I was to take the family down, I was on the freeway and out to dinner. I had consumed an entire quart right out of the jug. And going down the freeway, oh, I'm trying to do the best I can do. Unfortunately, it evidently isn't good enough. Pat is sitting in the front passenger side. And Pat is screaming and she's crying and she's yelling and she's trying to get the keys out of the car. And I'm trying to get the keys out of the car. And I'm trying to get the keys out of the ignition. Rhonda is 13 years old at the time and she's sitting in the right rear seat. And I notice that I don't hear anything from Rhonda. Rhonda is sitting there very, very quietly but very intensely. And she's looking. And she's looking at me. And she's looking at me. And she's looking at me. I will use one word to describe that look. Contempt. At 13 years of age, Rhonda is sick of her dad's act. I'd seen the look before. I'd seen it in Pat's expression. I'd seen it all over. But I suppose it was about the same look that maybe my dad's. That's what my dad saw in my expression. When I was just a little guy, six or seven years old, and I stood before him one Sunday morning, and I wanted to tell my dad a few things and I wanted to ask my dad some questions. You know, like, dad, what the hell's the matter with you? Why couldn't you get home last night? It was Christmas Eve. You see, dad drank too much. I wanted to ask him those questions. I didn't because I didn't want to wind up in the neighbor's yard, you know. Very confusing family environment it was to me. A dad that couldn't be trusted, a dad that drank so much I grew up hating him, and a very devout Roman Catholic mother who, who required that her three sons go to a Roman Catholic school for nine years, and, you know, mass every day and twice on Sundays, and that's no exaggeration, because at the early mass we served and at the second mass we sang, and nine years of that can get awful old, especially when you don't understand it. When they were passing out definitions of love in that Catholic faith, I missed it. Because on the one hand, they were telling me about love, that God loved me, and on the other hand, they told me it was cheap and score, and I'd already failed that test just thinking about it, you know, and very confusing. In that family, we weren't allowed to do what you have allowed me to do in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Share. This is a new experience for me in sobriety in my life. As a young type with two older brothers, you know, I cried a little bit, but I didn't cry. I cried a little bit from time to time. And the response from them and my dad was, shut up and grow up. And I wondered, what for? And when the time came, I did the same thing my two older brothers did. I split. 17 or 18 years of age, I wound up in a little town called Arcata, California, a little tiny school called Humboldt. I was a little kid in the state, because I wanted to play football, and that's where I wound up. And I was free. Yeah, I was free. I remember the feelings that I had when I left that home. The convictions, really. You know, number one, I will never drink like my dad drinks, and number two, I'll never treat my kids like my dad treated me. And I'm free. No more math. No way. No more math. No more math. And life goes on, and I'm going down the freeway, taking that family out to dinner, and I wanted it to be a good day, and it was not a good day. Because you see, Laura, who at the time was seven years old, she's sitting immediately behind me in that car. And I can't see her through the rear view mirror, but you see, I can hear her. Laura is crying, and she's crying silently. Laura is crying because she's afraid her dad's going to kill her. And she's crying silently, probably because she's afraid her dad's going to tell her to shut up and grow up. I did not want to become the commanding officer to those kids. I did. I did. I did. I did. I was the dad who could not be trusted. The dad that they seemed to run from rather than to. The dad who required that they answer the telephone in the proper manner, if you please. The dad who didn't let them have a dog, these young kids, because I didn't want the damn dogs stinking up the house. The dad who knew, who died for the registered violence insurance. I learned these things when my family, because they all knew that the DIRECTOR was a burden to the family. He always must do something Rufe. He asks his respetịo Sister, Why did you have to这个 time went on pat was allowed to come to that hospital and learn a little bit about this disease called alcoholism and together we joined you and together we learned after 18 and a half years of marriage what really gut level honesty and interpersonal communications really meant to a marriage that was well she'd seen a lawyer okay that tells you where the marriage was there was an experience that i'll never forget and yet i had some problems folks i've got 18 and a half years in the marine corps and i'm not quite ready to retire but how the hell do you be a marine and not drink you see i knew if i could just survive one more year or so and and do my thing and get out well retiring as a lieutenant colonel wasn't that bad it wasn't one of my first problems i'd have had to deal with the other day i was going to be a lieutenant colonel and i was going to be a lieutenant colonel and i was going to be a lieutenant colonel and i was going to have goals as a young man as a young guy in the marine corps but that's the break i knew i was never going to get a command again a couple other things bothered me too you see you taught me that i was a very sensitive human being and i believe you you see there are 19 000 marines at camp hendley what's going to happen the day that i drive through that main gate coming from that u.s navy hospital an alcoholic going back on that marine base 19 000 guys going to be out there in that grinder and they're going to say there goes the drunk there goes the drunk be out there in that grinder and they're going to say there goes the drunk there goes the drunk i didn't want that to happen and clarence my counselor he kept pleading with me stay close to the fellowship of alcoholics anonymous and i would say sure clarence sure i had no intention of staying close to you i had to pay the marine corps back for nine weeks in that hospital and i live in dana point as 45 minutes drive just one way to get to work besides i'm i'm that intellectual kind of guy you know i know i don't have to drink alcohol now and i don't need alcoholics and on i knew that big book backwards and forwards i could quote you page number chapter and verse if you wanted to hear it not too damn many of you know that's a trifling but let me help you through the rescue research of a man named long Sophia bamboo gazeau the viral reporter Hasta entonces mapped to the press at one outside of john Legalplease visit the classes booth and email the links to both mypanauticpod.com and my minorities on harris advancedcedudes.com and the Anthony Teach full check fight for about 9Of this to I was the smart ass she see at şes clarice but well one of my Driving intellectual type questions to Clarence was this uy do I drink so much and you know what his reply was sure you do you've given it to your babies it's in the book look it up I looked I couldn't find it I couldn't find it just sealed it I couldn't find it I couldn't find it it didn't make it in person because if I couldn't find it, so I went back to him and said, it's not in there. Yes, it is. Why do I drink so much? The answer to that's in there. Oh, yes, it is, he'd say. I'm not going to make you look it up. I'm going to read it to you. I found out why I missed it. It's on one of those pages with the real fine print. And I just skipped over that. It's on one of those pages marked XXDI. I didn't even know what the hell that meant, so I skipped it. Now, if you newcomers want to know why I drink so much, you're going to have to pay attention, folks, because this is quick. Are you ready? Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. Period. We'll all be damned. Oh, that's right. I thought I drank because of Pat or the kids or the Marine Corps. I later met a guy down in Tyler, Texas, who said that the psychiatrist he had had him convinced that he drank because his mama put him on the pot backwards. I identified with him. So here I am, supposed to go back into a career that has been so good. has already abandoned me, and I'm embarrassed, and I don't want to go back to Camp Pendleton, and I don't want to drink. Well, how the heck do you be a Marine and not drink? What are you going to do at the Marine Corps birthday, for God's sake, drink Coke? You've got to be kidding. No more happy hours? Well, number one, when I went back through that main gate at Camp Pendleton, there weren't 15,000 Marines on the parade field. I didn't even see the damn parade field. Number two, there wasn't one Marine at Camp Pendleton, even my old drinking buddies, who ever came up to me and put his finger in my face and said, you're a weakling. Nobody ever did that to me. I have never been embarrassed because I have been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, or that I didn't drink alcohol. So that went right down the tubes, you see, but immediately I had to do some paying back. And my way of paying back the Marine Corps was working. So I got another obsession immediately. It's called work. Then I became a workaholic. It's as simple as that. I mean, two or three months of this went by, and by then I'm not only working 10, 15 hours a day, five days a week. You know, I went into five and a half, six, all day Saturday. Sometimes I go on Sundays just to make sure the week I'd done the previous six days is okay. Then what's going on in our family? What family? What's going on in our family? You know, all the communications Pat and I had established just went right down the tubes. Then five months went by or something, and you know, I told you I was such a smartass about that big book. I made a statement to Pat with about five months of being dry, not going to your silly meetings. I had enough of those. I made a statement to her one night in our bedroom that turned out to be a very, very, well, it turned out to be a day. I said, I'm going to go to work. I'm going to go to work. I'm going to fight. That was a day. It turned out to be a damn fight. That's what it turned out to be. It was a hell of an argument for what it was. clothes closet as a matter of fact. She saw me right back where I was when I was drinking, only I wasn't drinking. She said I had been withdrawn and I was within myself and I was not being open and not being honest. And the things that we learned to do and share and being honest with one another wasn't there. And she added a couple of things before she got down off the podium. Said, number one, if you want to live that way, that's fine, but I don't. Number two, she said, do you remember what Clarence told you at the hospital? Something about staying close to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous? Here was the reaction. For you newcomers, don't be frightened now. I'm going to use a word. You may not have heard it yet, but you're going to hear it if you stick around. It's a word, miracle. I had a miracle happen that night. It was just a tiny one. There was no lightning. The earth didn't shake. It was a very simple miracle, actually. I listened. I listened. I listened. That was different. I heard what Pat was telling me. I didn't retaliate. I didn't run and hide. I didn't clam up for two weeks. I didn't run down to the garage and find a jug. The next evening I got home at a reasonable hour, had dinner, got the car out of the garage and drove twelve blocks from Dana Point to a meeting with Alcoholics Anonymous. meeting with Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't have to search out where I was going to go Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday nights. Pat had that all worked out, because that's where she'd been going when I became a workaholic at Camp Edelman's. And my life started to change. I started to change. And I want to share a few examples of what I'm talking about. Number 1. I'm going to tell you right off the bat about a little experience I had that probably changed my life more than any other experience besides Pat taking the risk in our bedroom one night to tell me how she felt. This experience had happened in a stag meeting that happened in a stag meeting that I found on a Thursday night in San Juan Capistrano. That's where the swallows come back and poop all over the place every year. It was a neat stag meeting, and I went to that meeting for about a year and a half, almost every Thursday night. And it was a question-and-answer meeting, discussion. I'm telling you, folks, I got so bored with that meeting, I mean, I knew every question that was going to be asked, and I knew every answer that was going to be given. Not only that, I knew who was going to give the answer. I'm sure you've been to those meetings. One Thursday night, I just sat in my command module in my family room and turned on that electronic wizard, and I said, to heck with it, I'm not going. And five minutes later, I got out of that chair, and I got in the car, and I went to the meeting. Happens every time, doesn't it? Thank God it happened. Yeah, thank God it happened. It happens. I went into the meeting and said hello to the other 64 guys that I'd met there every night, Thursday night, for a long time. Sat down in my chair, still there, vacant. Then the leader opened the meeting and shared for ten minutes, and had the birthdays, and during the coffee break, people could write questions down on a piece of paper, throw them in a hat, and then the leader would read the questions after the break. And here we go. Another day. Another boring meeting down at the stag group. Except that night, I heard a question that I had never heard in my life asked at a stag meeting or any other meeting of alcoholics and all. Kind of a simple question. Here it is. What is love? Love. And I looked around that room, and I thought to myself, doesn't that turkey have a sponsor? And in the audacity of that guy to ask a question like that at a men's stag meeting. Do you know how I felt? And what I was feeling? I think 63 other guys felt the same way, because we just finished a coffee break, and just about everybody in the room would have gotten another cup of coffee, and they wouldn't have had a drink, they would have had coffee. 420 cigarettes were lit. Every chair in the room was moved three times. And when the dust cleared, I'm still sitting there with my feelings. I was embarrassed, folks. That's what I was feeling, embarrassment. You know why, don't you? I couldn't answer the damn question. I'm over 40 years old. I'm getting older and older. 40 years old and I can't answer the simple question, what is love? And I'll tell you, it seemed like an eternity, but some guy in the back row, he finally put up his hand and he was recognized. And he started telling me, and I don't know who else heard him, but he started telling me what love meant to him. And here's what he told me. He told me that love meant giving yourself to another human being and not asking anything in return. Not asking anything in return. He must have talked for five minutes on the subject of love. I don't know what else I heard. I can't tell you what else I heard, but I heard that and I knew I was going to use it, and I did. Because on Wednesday night, about two weeks later, I was in the back row of the church. I was in the back row of the church. I was in the back row of the church. I'm going to my home group which is the South Coast group of Alcoholics Anonymous and Laguna Beach, and I'm standing there talking to this guy who shared, Ray. And Ray looked me right in the eye and he put his hand on my shoulder and he said, Bob, I love ya man, he talked that way. He used to be to Chicago Hood. And, boy, I tell you what, I backed off and looked at him, I mean, you gotta be careful and you're gonna be. really do. But you know, I knew what Ray was telling me. And I went away from that meeting and something happened to me. I realized that Ray was the first male human being that I could ever remember telling me that he loved me. And then something else hit me that that particular definition even included my own death. And of course you can say, well, just wait a minute here now. You just said a little while ago you hated your death. Well, of course I've got a little time on the program, in the program now, and I've got a sponsor, you know, and this guy, he's a jewel. If you can understand him, he's all right. I mean, he's got a slightly Swedish accent and he lives on a hill down there in Laguna. And Yanni told me a few things. Yeah. He told me a few things about self-acceptance. And he used the word self-love. And this is early, you know. And he said, before you're ever going to be able to like maybe another human being or to love another human being, it may be time that you like yourself. And he was the sponsor. Well, I was the sponsor. But then there was a guy who also said, it's in the book, look it up. And I couldn't find this stuff called self-love in there. And one day I had to go back to him and he said, well, maybe it's called something else. But it's quotes, go look it up. And I found it. It's in there. And it has to do with that part in there where those hundred or so people who wrote that book for us said that they came to understand what it meant in that other book. Where it says, well, I'm going to go to the book and I'm going to go to that person's book, and I'm going to go to that person's book. And I thought, well, that's a lot of says, Love thy neighbor as thyself. Self-love. And Johnny taught me a couple other things, too. He taught me what you taught him when he was in the fellowship for the first few days. Some of the most powerful words I think I've ever heard in this fellowship. Johnny told me that you gave him the dignity to be wrong. And he suggested that maybe I try to do the same thing with me. And I got a tape recording from a little guy down in Tyler, Texas, the same guy I referred to a minute ago about the psychiatrist. And this tape, I'm driving down to Camp Pendleton now and throwing this damn cassette tape. And on my tape deck, and I must have played this tape 400 times. I really enjoyed that tape. I really don't know what the carpool thought about it, but I really enjoyed it. I'm just saying. And Joe, he talks about this thing called self-acceptance in that tape. He said, this is what he said to me on that tape recording. He said that he used to condemn himself. For? What booze made him do, and he forgot to condemn the booze. And my God, that's just exactly what I was doing with my dad. Just exactly. And then, believe it or not, a little neighbor lady came across the street and gave to Pat and to me a book. And I'm going to read you part of this book. And if any of you older dingies think this is blasphemy, this helped me. Oh, it's in our book. Sure it is. Not written in this context. But it's in there. And if you can use it, take it with you. Because it sure helped me. Here we go. It says, celebrate you. It says, you are worth celebrating. It says, you are worth everything. You are unique. In the whole world, there is only one. There is only one you. There is only one person with your talents, your experiences, your gifts. No one can take your place. You have immense potential to love, to care, to create, to grow, to sacrifice. If you believe in yourself, it doesn't matter your age, or your color, or whether or not you are a Christian. It doesn't matter your age or your color. Your parents love you. Maybe they wanted to, but couldn't. Or didn't know how to tell you. Let that go. That belongs to the past. We belong to the now. It doesn't matter what you have been, the wrong you've done, the people you've hurt. You are forgiven. You are accepted. You are okay. So forgive yourself, if that is necessary, and nourish the seeds within you. Celebrate you. Begin now today. Give yourself a new birth. Start anew. You are you. And that's all you need to be. Thank you. So, my course. My course was set. And I longed for the day when I could have a little discussion with my dad. And that day came. On my father's 50th wedding anniversary, I was able to tell my dad for the first time in my life that I loved him. I was warned by you to be careful of your expectations. I was warned by you to be careful of your expectations. And I'll tell you what. Dad sure surprised me, because I don't even think he heard me. But you see, the difference was this. I heard me. And some more time went by, and dad by now was very, very ill and very elderly, and he was in a home. His leg was amputated. And dad's dying. And on a trip I was on, I got to go home and see dad. And I was there for three days. And I got to see my dad five times on that little visit, and five more times on this earth, I got to tell my own dad that I loved him. And again, there was no reaction from this guy, you know. No reaction at all. But it really didn't matter. I thought to myself, well, maybe I should tell him. I'll tell him. until the last time when I told Dad I had to get back to California and told him that I loved him. Again, Dad didn't say anything. Didn't say a word. But the old Dad that I used to distrust, the guy I couldn't put any confidence in, the old tough geezer that never showed us any emotion whatsoever, the dad who did everything in his power with nothing but an eighth grade education to give his kids everything in the world and not ask anything in return, the dad who provided extremely well for us and worked long hours to do it. I don't care whether it was in a coal mine or a silver mine. Whatever. The old Dad I used to hate and came to love. He didn't say anything because he didn't have to. He cried. I believe that was the first time in my life I had ever seen my father cry. And we buried Dad not too long after that. But you see, my experience is this. If I hadn't got off my duff on a Thursday night and gone to a meeting I didn't want to go to, I'd have missed the whole shot. You see, I came to understand what that big CB was talking about in my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous when he got up there and made a complete fool of himself and said he was a very grateful alcoholic. I have experienced some things in this fellowship as a result of this fellowship. And you people, it is just incomprehensible to me how it's ever happened. I can tell you exactly how long I stayed in the United States Marine Corps. It sure wasn't a year. I had seven and a half, seven years and eleven months on active duty in my Marine Corps and didn't have a drink of alcohol. I, uh, oh, thank you very much. Thank you. I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uU got promoted in sobriety in the United States Marine Corps. Promoted, even with that tremendous fitness report I got from that regimental commander. I mean, I got everything I deserve from that guy. Probably should have got some more. I got command of an outfit three times the size of that battalion that I had to leave in disgrace. But you know, the day that I Ultimately Informed I got the word that I got promoted, something happened to me. I didn't think about Bob, I didn't think about Pat, I didn't think about those kids, I didn't even think about the Marine Corps. You know what I was thinking about? Some long-haired, short-trousered Navy chief. Call Clarence up at a hospital, you know. My first sponsor, appointed by the United States Navy. Yeah. Yeah. No, he's the guy that stood as tall as he could, all five foot seven of them, and looked me right in the eye with extended arms and he said, hey, if you want what we've got, I'm here to help you find it. You see, I used to be the only Marine on active duty who said what I'm going to tell you now, that I know of. And I suppose I'm the only retired Marine today that's going to say what I'm going to tell you now. And if you let it out, you're really going to ruin my reputation. But I want to tell you something. I love a Navy chief. I retired from the Marine Corps last year in October. Just a good time to get me some long hair and look like the rest of you. I made the right decision. I got to stay in my family of Alcoholics Anonymous where I grew up and am growing up. I got a job at the Navy for 22 years with��at that time. S will up 3 or 3引n me ten of the charges had. I worked as a quoting captain for a long time of the Army and was a consultant at the tuned Nineteenth Operation for the hell. Harry and I were very young then. Michael was seven. Kyle had never even been born. I didn't touching John's name. I've ever seen a man who dirtytalked his wife. I like you. I don't mean I love you. You know I love you. I just wanted you to know that I like you a lot, too. Happy fourth birthday. How about that? Laura entered the University of California at Irvine this year. She's 18 years old. You know, when I grew a little bit in the fellowship and Pat took the risk in our family structure to allow us to be together as a family. Oh, you helped. God, did you help. Oh, you came to the house and you spilled coffee all over the place and ate up all the ice cream and the cake. God, you settled all those kids and you told them it was going to be all right. You know. Pat, again, was the one who took the risk. And we sat down and had some family meetings and got together, for God's sake, you know. Allowed those kids to know that their dad wasn't perfect, as if they had to be told. An incident that happened even before I got that card from Laura. The day I knew that this young lady and I were going to make it. And I was sitting at the dinner table one night. Laura talked a little fast. And it's kind of difficult to understand her sometimes. And, God, she was ripping through some words there. I didn't have the slightest idea what she was talking about. And Pat didn't either. She couldn't understand her. And I said to Laura, Honey, would you slow down a little bit? I can't understand you. And she looked me right in the eye. And she said, Would you speed up your ears? And then she was dead silent. And she looked at me, wondering if I was going to react like maybe I had reacted six years ago. And I started to laugh. And she started to cry. This little lady, she also wrote me a birthday card on my fourth birthday at Alcoholics Anonymous. Rhonda is 24 today. Oh, I got to take her down the aisle four years ago and give her a handoff to some long-haired guy with a beard. And I said, There was a difference, though. I got to tell them both on the altar that I loved them. Rhonda writes, Dear Dad, I like these birthdays better than any other regular birthdays because it seems like you were born again four years ago. That's the point I wanted to make. Four years ago, born again, you know. And she goes on. But she signed it, Happy Big Four. Love you, Rhonda and Booth. Booth's our dog. One of these family meetings, we decided we were going to get a dog. And, of course, being alcoholic, we were going to get the best damn dog in Orange County, right? I mean, it was going to take me 30 days just to do the research. The next day, we had a dog. Rhonda went to the pound in Laguna Beach, called Pat at 4.30 that afternoon, crying on the telephone, Mom, there's a full-blooded German Shepherd up here. It only cost me $9. Crying. Crying. Crying. You know, they're going to put it to sleep if I don't bring it home. Well, what's Pat going to say? No? So we got our dog. About 12 weeks later, this dog's sitting in the driveway, and Rhonda's friends, who are, by the way, coming back to the house now, are looking at this dog in the driveway, and they're looking at Rhonda, saying, Rhonda, what happened to your German Shepherd? Let me describe this dog to you. This dog, he's got teeth like an alligator, a nose like a shepherd, eyes like a fawn, ears like an Afghan, a collar like a collie, a body like a greyhound, and a tail like a donkey. And he's the best damn looking dog in Southern California, I'll tell you that. And he reminds me of, what are you laughing at? He reminds me of you. You know. No, not the way he looks. Never mind you. He reminds me of you, the way he looks. He reminds me of you because of the way he acts and reacts around me. Well, you see, when Rhonda got married, I inherited a dog. And, of course, it seemed to me that that dog and I have grown up together. Now, I'll be nine on Halloween. I figure that's as good a day as any to fall off your broom. And Booth was born. We call him Booth, by the way. Booth. Booth was born a few weeks after I got sober. So we've grown up together, and this is why I compare him with you, you see. You see, Booth, like you, really wasn't the least bit interested in the fact that I had two cars in the garage. In fact, he peed on one of them. And Booth, like you, didn't seem to care in the least whether I had a rank or not. And believe me, that makes a hell of a difference. And, of course, Booth, like you, it seems to me that all he wanted was a fair shake. And on a daily basis, to be my friend. And that's kind of like you. I... I think this is a marvel. I think this is a marvelous, marvelous association. The lady that's with me tonight, this last August, we celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary. That's an impossibility, nine years ago. The lady who had told me before that her love for me just flat wore out. Told me a couple of years ago that... I was the best friend in the world that she had. I didn't marry Pat in Eureka, California, 27 years ago with that in mind. Even with the hope that that would happen. Because, you see, I was the smartass and the intellectual that asked Clarence, or told Clarence, that I didn't need a friend. And he just did what you normally do. He just laughed. And one is merry way. And allowed me to go mine. I have tried this evening to share a little bit about my experience. My strength should be completely obvious to you all. You are. You are. My hope is simple. It comes from the book. Something about, you know, keeping your head in the clouds with your higher power, if that's where he wants you to be, something like that. My hope is simple. That you'll keep your feet on the ground. And walk with me because I need you. And walk with me. And walk with me. And walk with me. And walk with me. And walk with me. And walk with me. And walk with me. And walk with me. Every day I need you. And in closing, at the risk of making some new people in this room tonight rather uncomfortable, I'd like to tell you three or four things. Number one, I haven't had a drink since Halloween, one day at a time, for nine years. Number two, I really don't need a drink today. And number three, you know I'm a very grateful alcoholic. And at the risk of making some of you violently ill, I'll add the fourth. I love you. Thank you, Bob, for sharing. That was beautiful.