Self-Centered Fear as a Prison You Build One Opinion at a Time – Ralph W.

My name is Ralph White and I am an alcoholic. I want to thank the group for having me out again. Right there, first sentence, first blessing. I want to thank the group for having me out again. And to our new friends, if you be the alcoholic of my variety, to be invited out is a hell of a blessing and to be invited back is a double blessing because of the places I was going at the end, for me, I was not invited anywhere. In fact, I was put out of a whole bunch of places. So I really want to thank this group. And more important than you guys inviting me out, I want to thank you for the hospitality. I want to thank you for being a shining example of the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I get to go a couple of places and so I get an opportunity to see this program in action everywhere I go. And I'm very grateful for that. And you know, starting this morning, my good friend Bob picked me up and we went to a hell of a meeting out at the rehab facility and the detox facility and had a good meeting there with some people sharing some experience, strength, and hope. Then we went to dinner with some other members who again showed me nothing but love. And then I came through the room and I was greeted by people outside and greeted by people inside. And I was like, you know, I like to think Jim Jones here sitting in the front. We were sharing about being unique and you know, I'm one of the ones that's unique and thinking I'm unique here, right? You know, and I don't know about being unique, but you guys sure do make me feel special. And I want to thank you. You know, I want to thank you for the hospitality you show me. And I want to do the most important thing I'll do tonight. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I want to welcome our new friends to Alcoholics Anonymous. I noticed that we had a number of people stand up this evening, a number of gentlemen in fact. And there may be a couple who were like me when I came around and just didn't have what it took to stand up that last time. And I want to welcome you. You know, I've been doing this thing a couple of 24 hours. You know, I really want to stand up in front of you and say I'm just going to share about my recovery. I'm not going to share a long drunk-along, but I remember being new like some of the gentlemen are in here tonight. I remember being new to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and going to a meeting. Speaker was standing up in front of the group and he was dressed somewhat like I'm dressed tonight and his hair was combed, his eyes were bright, he was stringing sentences together real well. And I remember thinking to myself, I know this cat ain't been where I've been. I know he ain't felt what I felt and I know he has not done what I've done. What can this lame tell me? So it is very important that I share with you guys that the man that's standing in front of you tonight is not the same one that stumbled into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous October the 11th, 1986. I'm going to share with you in a general way what I used to be like, what happened, and what I'm like today in the hopes that somebody sitting out there will be thinking to themselves, man, I used to do that same shit. Or man, I used to feel just like that. Or more important, I too want to have this thing. Speaker was standing up in front of the group and he was dressed somewhat like I'm dressed now in six pack clothes. I'm standing with him, my glasses off, and you hate being heard. Speaker was sitting upsomething about the fact that he does everything that I like, that I'm looking at him. Speaker was standing up and we started acting like we'd be happy if he pronounced how he was getting shot by a rifle, and I thought he was acting like he was running away like we was going to take off a gun, but I saw my eyes because Jim m opened the door cause he was running for the fuck out of me and went right up and just barely landed, got a gun. I really loved being the man that I am today, and I recall everybody laughing,ıy give me a gawd. Terrible performances, I do it like crazy. I've lost a car. But talked about it. And we didn't have a lot. We stayed in a little two-bedroom apartment. Moms and pops stayed in one room. Six boys stayed in three bunk beds in the other room. My earliest memory about my old man was he was an alcoholic, and I didn't want to be like him. I can relate when Chris was standing up here sharing, and I really want to thank Chris for giving it up like that because he packed a lot in into a 10-minute pitch. I'm like, damn, I don't know if I could say that much, and I got way more time to do it. Don't hold it against me. He set the bar real high. I'm aware of alcoholism in the house from an early age, although I didn't see it for a long time. My old man was an alcoholic, and my earliest memory of him was I didn't want to be like him. My old man was not abusive. My old man was not violent. He was an absentee drunk. And every other Friday, like clockwork, you could count on my old man not showing up at the house. And it would be a little kid in the neighborhood who felt it was his duty to come tell my family how my old man had been showing his ass up at the pool hall the previous Friday or Saturday night. And I would feel ashamed. I would feel embarrassed. And those are feelings I'm familiar with from a real early age. My old man got put out of the house. And my first vow, my earliest vow as a kid was, I'm not going to be like my daddy. I'm not going to be like my daddy. And that was my first goal in life, just to not be like my old man. He got put out of the house when I was 8 or 9 years old, and my mother proceeded to raise six boys by herself. And my mom, my mom's a hell of a lady, and she's an important part of my story. And when you're grown, you get something that's called perspective, you know. And perspective works like this. You have a mom who raised six boys by herself. And my mom was on welfare at the time. My mom didn't finish high school. And she raised these six boys by herself. I saw my mom put herself back through high school. I saw my mom put herself through college. She worked two jobs. She took in clothes that she washed and ironed for other folks. And when you're grown, you look back on your life and say, damn, I had a hell of a mom because she sacrificed for a boy. But when you're a kid, about 9 or 10 years old, and you're bringing a couple of partners home from school on a Wednesday afternoon, and you hit the front door, and mom's is in the living room with an ironing board up and a rag on her head, you don't feel proud. You feel ashamed and embarrassed. And if your name is Ralph, you're retreating to that fantasy world I've lived in much of my life, the world about what life is really like for me at the house. I would be pretending and fantasizing. That world I lived in, it's the prison I've lived in most of my life. It's the prison I live in sometimes today, and that's the prison of what I think you think about me. See, I don't know what you think about me, but I'm trapped in what I think you think about me, and I'll do whatever it takes to shape and form and mold your opinion around. I'll whine you. I'll dine you. I'll woo you. I'll con you. I'll bully you. I'll manipulate you. I'll buy you. Please like me. Now, I don't particularly have to like your ass, but please like me. And let's get this part over with while we still got some chuckling going. Because somebody's getting confused about what we're doing tonight. Somebody's thinking to themselves, this guy might be an all right speaker. Don't let that fool you. You know, he's looking around the room, making eye contact with everybody. Don't let that fool you. I'm looking for the person whose attention is drifting. You look like you're going to sleep. I'm going to work on your ass. You'll like me. You'll like me before this is over with, right? And to our new friends, you hear a lot of things shared at podiums of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know. And there are some comments, some common themes that you'll hear from a number of our members. And one of the common themes seems to be, never felt like they fit in. And that's not a part of my story. I'm a little guy. I like a lot of attention. I've never been interested in fitting in. I've always wanted to stand out. And as a result of that, I achieved and I accomplished a lot of things in life. You know, and the only reason I share this little background, I like when Chris was standing up here sharing and sharing about, you know, he had this part of the, he was from the Irish background, American Indian background. And he kind of sarcastically said, yeah, I blame it on them, you know, because, you know, yeah, I could share about coming from a broken home and I could share about my old man being an alcoholic. And, you know, and I suspect that they, you know, yeah, that I'm an alcoholic because I'm from a broken home. There's people in here who was raised with both parents. I'm an alcoholic because my daddy was an alcoholic. There's people in here whose parents were not drinking. I'm an alcoholic because I'm a poor little black kid from the, well, look around the room, you know. I'm an alcoholic because I'm short. It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal. I'm an alcoholic because I'm a tall guy standing up in here. I'm an alcoholic because I'm a guy. There's plenty of women, you know. So this is many reasons, you know. I'm an alcoholic because I'm violently different from other folks. I'm an alcoholic because when I take one, I cannot tell you when I'm going to stop. And I'm an alcoholic because when I sincerely don't want to, I start up again anyway. That's the reasons I'm an alcoholic. The rest of this stuff, my story that I'm telling you is because it's my story and there are many portraits of alcoholics because there are people in this room, you know. And one of the things that really had me twisted for a long time was thinking I can't be an alcoholic. See, because my story is not one where I started drinking at a real early age. I'm a real high achiever. I had a mom who was an old Southern Baptist sister. She had gotten married to one worthless ass drunk and she'd be damned if she had any others up in her house, you know. And so I had the kind of mom. So much of what I share with you guys about my childhood was not out of any virtue on my part. It's because I was scared of my mama. My mama won, you know. She marched her way. She marched her six boys up the street to church every Sunday morning. I used to hate it. I resented it. I've been twisted from the very beginning. And I, you know, the book talks about uncommon sense becoming common sense because I used to be so resentful at my mom because when I was a kid in my neighborhood, sometimes there'd be little kids, eight or nine years old, you'd see them out unsupervised at 10 o'clock at night. And I used to think to myself, damn, they got some cool parents. Their mama's cool. They're out here at night. And I used to resent my mom because, you know, her boys are going to be in the house and she's going to know where they are. You know, and that's the kind of upbringing I had. And I don't know where it got instilled, but I was a high achiever. Me in class, all of you guys had me. I was always class president, student body president. I was a straight-A student. I was teacher's pet. I played ball. I made all-stars. On the outside, I've had a lot of things happen that seemed like should have made me all right. On the inside, I've always felt like if you really knew me, you wouldn't like me. You know, yeah, I played ball. Yeah, I made all-stars. Yeah, I was teacher's pet. Yeah, I was a straight-A student. I would have traded it all in if I could have been cool. If I could have been cool. Because, you know, we were at this place today and Bob talked about starting from a point where I'm a little bit further behind. I'm one of these guys, man, that I always felt like the rest of you guys had a handle on this man thing and you just didn't tell me the secret. You know, I don't know if anybody can relate to that, but other guys seemed like they just knew a secret I didn't know. Later on in life, I'd be rolling with one of my boys and I always kept a guy like this. And I'd have a guy and we'd go out, right, and we might go to a party or a club and this partner of mine could lean over a girl and he'd whisper to her and she'd start giggling. And I'd be, I wish I had a pad. What's he saying? How does he get that reaction? Because I could never do that. I was terrified of girls and I was tongue-tied around girls. What does that have to do with drinking? Stay with me. We'll get there. You know, so this is this kid, you know, straight-A student, real, you're real driven, you know. I had big ambitions and big goals as a kid. As a kid, I had two goals, three goals. My first one, I told you, not to be like my daddy. Then I had two goals for my life. My first one was to wear number 30 and play shortstop for the Los Angeles Dodgers. Maury Wills at the time I was growing up was the Dodgers shortstop. Baseball was my game. I said I'll be a professional baseball player. You know, and my second goal, and I meant it with everything in me, and I used to say it to people all the time and the old folks at the church and at school, they'd pat me on the head because Ralph is a doer and he's a keeper. My second goal was I'm going to be the first black president in the United States. And I used to say that all the time and old folks, yeah, boy, you just go on, you just go on. And I meant it. I meant it. I had big goals and I had big ambitions. I understand when I read Bill's story and the kind of grandiosity that Bill talks about also. I imagine myself the head of vast enterprises. When I read that line, yeah, that was me. You know, I never thought small. But that's all right. You know, my mom instilled that. Don't think. And so I'm going to be a big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big. But I'm growing up like this, right? We're going to fast forward a little bit. So I get to high school. And I go to high school in a part of Los Angeles that's kind of a rough town, right? And I've got the, you know, when something's happening with me, this is without alcohol. When something's happening with me, I have a capacity to think I'm the only person it's happening to and it's the only person it's ever happened to. And it gets bigger and bigger. Let's cut to the chase. I thought to myself, at the school I was in, I knew I was the only 16-year-old male virgin at that scratch the mail I knew I was the only 16 year old virgin at that school and it used to bother me and worry me and scare me and terrify me prom was coming up I knew I'd have to go to the prom and on prom night what you know fellas you supposed to throw that and I would just be I'm in the 10th grade but I'm worried about the 12th grade right story around life fear we think it ought to be class was filled and you know and and I understand that you know and I'd be worrying about shit like that right so now I'm 15 but I'm 16 years old and I get this girlfriend now Ralph with a girlfriend at 16 don't mean the same thing it means for the rest of you guys Ralph with a girlfriend at 16 means this I ran with a crew of dudes that went with the same group of girls one of my boys broke up with this girl I waited a suitable amount of time in the past and I told my other boy I want to go with her he went and asked her he came back and told me she said yes now I have a girlfriend right I'm talking about you came home and told me a woman drive me home and said I had a girlfriend and I said you creep to hell withánd it you don't know what to do because I didn't do girl friends right I did let's amend that I'd give plenty of girlfriends in my head but I didn't do girl for because in my head I've always been this real cool slick guy waiting to break out düş shell dr Güller beゴicヤ me more me to me that was in here all the time that you guys just wasn't it too right anyway I'm this shy square guy right and I'm so now I got this girlfriend and I don't know what to do with her and and and so and check this out this is the real this is true this is how it really happened to me I would carry her books home from school every now and then because I was that guy parents look mama's love me you know I was not a threat to their little girls I was a nice guy he's gonna go to college oh look at him you know and in our house you know carrying the book somebody bring me back to this point because I'm astray in a minute and I do that and I'm 50 and so now I had a moment bring me back to that we got parents in the room right any parents in the room right now any parents a girl teenager don't you wish for the days when boys just carried the books home from school you know this should about coming over pants down here looking at me yo what's up what's up my mister what you okay bring me back I just thought about the carrying books home and I just long for those anyway so I'm bring back so I'm carrying books home from school and the rest of this and I got this girlfriend at 16 years old and and we go out this particular night on a double day me and my girl are in the backseat of my partner's car my partner is driving he's two years older than me and he was the guy that used to bully me but I live for the times he accepted me and I found out what that was about in recovery in the fourth column but that was later on but I live for the time you took and I admired this guy because he intimidated me and he scared me and he used to beat up on me in front of other people but just to be accepted by him so this particular night he was dating my cousin so we went out on the double day to drive in movie and the plastic cup of rum and cocaine the backseat you tough guy passing the rum and coke I'm a tough guy too and I drank that rum and coke down real warm man and all of a sudden Ralph's hands started doing things they had never done and mouth started saying things that had never said and I had arrived alcohol did for me what I couldn't do for myself it gave me the courage to do and to be in the say things I wouldn't do be and say without it and I liked it I liked it a lot the big book Alcoholics Anonymous talks about me in a lot of places and it starts talking about me in the front the doctor's opinion there's a line in the doctor's opinion something like this men and women like Ralph drink essentially for the effect produced by alcohol recognize it the first time I saw it I didn't always like I could stand scotch but if you were passing it I'm drinking it you know I and some of that stuff make me scrunch my face up in the room but I like what happened when it went down you know and I understood that I also understand when we talk about this disease being progressive in nature because that's how it showed up in my experience I know we got a lot of people's experiences overnight drunk that's not my experience my drinking state is pretty much when I would go out on the weekend the party I was growing up and I'll date myself this was in the 60s and I'm growing up in my drinking state that way for a time just to go out to party you know I would drink I graduated from high school and 71 and I graduated to higher education in every sense of the word in 1971 I was still just drinking to go to party by the end of 71 I was drinking to go to party but my drinking it crept up to during the day on the weekend to get ready for the party by 1972 I'm drinking the party and I was in a party that was pretty much early 70s and I was drinking the party I was drinking the party and I was drinking the party I'm drinking the party because I went up to partying and I was in the party not only on the weekends but now after class I'm drinking during the week. By the end of 1972, I'm drinking not only after class, I'm drinking every single day and I added non-addictive marijuana to it. By 1973, I'm drinking, I'm smoking, I'm using other drugs, I'm doing it on a daily basis and you could not have told me it was anything wrong with the way that I was living. The big book Alcoholics Anonymous talks about at a certain point in my drinking career, I won't be able to tell the truth from the farce and the way that that worked for me was this. Isn't the way that I'm getting loaded? Isn't that the way everybody gets loaded? Why would you be young with a bright future with a little bit of money? I was getting financial aid. Didn't chasing women and getting loaded come with the territory? In those days, man, if you came over my house and I couldn't offer you something to drink or something to smoke, I wasn't being a good host. And if I went over your house and you didn't do the same for me, not only weren't you being a good host, I wasn't coming over your house no more. For what? Now no conversations, you know. I'm not talking about the old-fashioned way of living. I'm talking about the way that you lived. I'm talking about the way that you lived. I'm talking about the way that you lived. I'm so glad I came up at the time that I came up. And I ain't trying to glamorize and none of that, but I had a lot of good times. You know, I really like that part when in a vision for you, there's more than just the portion that we read at the reading. And there's a part in a vision for you to talk about in the early days of drinking, the conviviality, the camaraderie, what it represented. And I had a lot of those days, man. I had a lot of those good times. I come up in an era and I see some of my peers up in here that come from that era. I come from a time and a place, man, where you went to a concert and you didn't even have to know your neighbors. You just passed and shit. I come from that place, right? I come from when you, that's what I did. And that's the era I came from. And you could not have told me it would turn on me like a boomerang, like Bill described it. You couldn't have told me because it was big, big, big, big fun. And again, like Bill, you know, I ignored the warnings and prejudices of my people concerning drink. I ignored the warnings and prejudices of myself concerning drink. Because at the age of 16 years old, when I took my first one, I'd already outstripped my daddy. I ain't got to worry about being my daddy no more. My daddy was a janitor. My daddy didn't even go to high school. My daddy would never be as slick and as sharp as I am anyway. You know, so miss me. My life, I'm on the fast track to success. Now I'm at this major university. I'm running with these people, man, you know. And back in those days, you know, I, like I said, I'm glad I came up at the time I came up. In 2004, we got sexually transphobic. You got to worry about age. You got to worry about sex. You got to worry about a whole bunch of shit. Didn't it seem like a simpler time back then? I would go to a club. I would have a one question interview for a girl. You get high? If not, next time. Let's get to the basis of this relationship, right? I don't need to know your name, your sign. Do you have a job? Do you do it the way that I do it? Because that's what we're going to be doing. You know, that's it. That's all. Graduated from college in 76, and somehow I started working, you know, and I went into the workforce. And even though I had the kind of a job, I started working as a counselor for L.A. City Schools. And even though I had the kind of job that should have allowed me to start acquiring what normal people acquire, I'm just the guy that just never did that, man. And I used to think for the longest time it was at the end of my drinking and using that it really got bad for me. And looking back on my experience, man, way back when I thought it was working, I couldn't keep a dime. Back when I thought it was working, you know, snapshot of Ralph's life, this is when it was working. I would buy a car, and then I'd make exactly three car payments, then come find it. Come find it. I did that with three different cars. I'm the kind of brother that never had a problem balancing a bank book. Payday, I got money. Two days later, broke. Zero. No problem balancing my bank book. I stayed in the crib from 1976 to 1979 without paying rent. A couple of baffling features about the disease that I suffered from. I was a little bit of a kid, but I was a little bit of a boy. I was a little bit of a kid, but I was a little bit of a boy. I can't see what alcohol is doing to me when I'm in the mix. I can't see what it's doing to me until I'm free of it. So some of the things that are real crystal clear to me now in the rearview mirror of experience were not at all clear to me when I was going through them. One fact stands out real clear to me about those days when I thought it was working. I used to go to work for two weeks to live for two days. My story, man. That's why I'm here. I can tell you. The story is real. I want to be a part of it. while I worked, when I was working. You know, and sometimes, I don't know if anybody else in here is like me. You know, when you're in the life and you got your comrades and your companions and people you see, and slowly but surely some of them start falling by the wayside and you see somebody like, you know, you see somebody like, if I ever get like Bob, I'll quit. You know, you see somebody like Jim, if I get like your ass, I'll quit, you know. And the folks he talked about seeking the lower companion, it wasn't long before I became the lower companion. Anybody else in here played a regret game in Alcoholics Anonymous? If I only knew then what I know now, I probably never would have took that, yeah, right. You know, kind of like a story about, I like to tell sometimes about a little boy named Johnny. And Johnny had a habit his father frowned on. Johnny used to like to play with himself. Father said, son, don't do that. His father went to work one day, came home early. Little Johnny's bedroom door is closed. Father opened. He opens the door without knocking. Sure enough, little Johnny's in the bedroom masturbating. His father looks at him and says, son, I thought I told you if you keep doing that, you'll go blind. Little Johnny stopped and looked up at him and said, well, daddy, can I just do it till I need glasses? You know. And I like that story because it reminds me of me in the life. I see you going down and you going down. I'm just going to do it till I need, you know, right. You know, and I can't tell you the moment. I can't tell you the hour. I can't tell you the day. I can't tell you where I was. I can't tell you what I was doing. I cannot even pinpoint exactly when it happened that liquor ceased to be a luxury and it became a necessity. Bill calls that, you know, and we refer to that as the invisible line. What I hate about it. You know what I don't like about the invisible? It's invisible. It's nothing that says, well, if you take this next one on June 3rd, stop, don't you? By the time, you know, I realize I have a problem and need to do something about it, it's already too late for me to do anything about it. It's a cold. It's a thing about this disease I suffer from. And in most cases, for most of us, by the time I realize I'm across the line, I'm like way. How did that happen? Seemed like the line just crossed me. I know that messed you up, Taper. I'm sorry. You know. And I can't tell you when it happened. I can't tell you that it did happen. When liquor ceased to be a luxury, it became a necessity. When I had to have it. There was no longer a moment of deliberation about. OK, I think I'm going to pay rent. I'm going to pay car note. I'm going to pay phone bill. I'm going to. Money loaded. Money loaded. And there was a period when I used to. It used to go to, OK, this is what I have left. Can't tell you. I can't tell you it happened. There are some things I shared that should have been signs along the way. I got married in 1980 on a Saturday afternoon. I had a bachelor party the night before my wedding. I was getting married at 1 o'clock on Saturday. I had a bachelor party the Friday night before my wedding. None of all the rest of these guys, none of whom are getting married the next day, have sense enough to go home at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm still in my bachelor party till 730. Me and my brothers. Right. Four of us in the program now. They take me home and they pour me in bed. I lay on top of the bed, man, and I'm up. I am told. And they get me up at 11 o'clock for my 1 o'clock wedding. And I go to my wedding. And I. Show. Go up in there and I wobble in. I'm supposed to say my own vows, right? And my then wife-to-be saw me wobble up in there. She looked at me. She looked at the preacher. She said, scratch your own vows. Say the regular on his ass, right? So now my lines are cut to two words. And I say, and threw up all over the house. Passed out. Passed out. And I'm not taking a wedding picture to this day. And I'm not taking a wedding picture to this day. You know, I tell that short story all the time. And since I'm on the other side of it, you know, a lot of you guys have been doing this thing a long time. And you get up here and a lot of times you're telling this. And it's a story. And it's cool. And it's a story about somebody else. And I share it with a guy one time. Sometimes when I'm sharing, it just feels like a story about somebody else. And this guy in Denver told me, Ralph, it's because it is. That man is dead. That man is dead. And every now and then, every now and then, and I don't know when, every now and then these stories and these anecdotes, these anecdotes, these anecdotes, these anecdotes, these anecdotes, these anecdotes, because I've told that story about my ex-wife a lot of times. And for the ladies in this room, that's your day. That's the day you are queen for a day. You may not have another moment in life. You may just be a housewife, which is cool. You may work at a school. You may work at a job. You may raise kids the rest of your life. You may put a lot of yourself on hold for what other people are doing. Unlike most of us in life. You know, we just go through life and we do it. But for one day, all eyes are on me and this is my day. And it wasn't until doing an eighth step, and I'm jumping ahead, but it wasn't until sitting down and doing a ninth step with that lady that I really, really, really understood, you know, because I'm one of the ones whose anthem was, I ain't hurting nobody. I make this money. I do what I want to with this money. I ain't out doing anything. I ain't hurting nobody else. I remember being at that reception, man. And I don't remember much about being at that reception, but I was at that reception and we had it at some friends of ours. They had a real nice home up in New Zealand. And I was in a bedroom on the bed, because they carried me in there. And every now and then, somebody who knew my then wife to be, who we didn't know mutually, getting their first impression of her new husband, they stick their head in the room and say, my name is so and so, just wanted to let you know I was, ooh. Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. To our new friends, there's a lot of things, if you're anything like me, most of the words that I've heard members share at the podium, I'm not unfamiliar with the words, but I am unfamiliar with the way that you guys use them in the room, because they aren't the same way I use them in my everyday walk around vocabulary. So you guys were saying, you know, you've got to have a dictionary for things like, you know, the things that you're thinking about, and then things like the phenomena of craving, and this allergy of the body, and a psychic change, and I needed a lot of help from some of the old timers with those. But the first time I heard, pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization, I need no help with that one. Folks like us don't need a dictionary for pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. See, I lived pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization up close and personal, and I lived it over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. Because I've got to let you know that that wedding day was the high point of that marriage. Yeah, it went downhill after that. Because I'm the kind of father and I'm the kind of husband who can remember sitting on my living room couch, wife coming out the bathroom real fast, pulling her pants up, going to the tiny room table, picking her purse up off the table, clutching it real close to her as she went back to the bathroom. And I feel this tall because nobody was in the house with me and her, but it got like that in my house. I'm the kind of father and I'm the kind of husband who remember coming to the door and sticking my key in the door, opening the door, and my wife and two-year-old daughter sitting right here and they're crying. I look over here and homeboy is sitting in my chair with a gun pointed at my stomach saying, I want my money, right now. So I don't know about any of the rest of you fellas, but I had a lot of fears and a lot of doubts about, do I have what it takes to be a husband? Do I have what it takes to be a father? Because if you're in the life, your track record already gives you your answer, right? Because what's the father's role and what's the husband's role? To protect and to provide. And it's a cold-blooded feeling, fellas, laying in bed with a woman night after night after night after night, knowing not only aren't you protecting, knowing not only aren't you providing, you're the one bringing the wolf to the door. Because my house got broke into four times. Four times I went through the motions of pretending to call 77 police division. Four times I knew what had happened because they told me, you're going to give us our money, or we coming up in there and getting it. I'm the kind of father, and I'm the kind of husband, can remember sitting on my back porch, my two-year-old daughter coming outside, pulling in my coat. Daddy, daddy, that's my piggy bank. I remember stopping and giving her a shitty grin, saying, don't worry, baby. Daddy's going to put some dollar bills in here for this change. And I wasn't raised to be stealing from my wife, and I wasn't raised to be stealing from my daughter. But I was an alcoholic with no tools of recovery, and I did what it took to get what I needed to get. I've already shared with you guys that my disease is progressive in nature. And in my experience, it's progressive in a couple of areas. I shared one already. It takes more than it used to take in order for me to get the same effect. But my disease is progressive in nature. It's progressive in another area, my behavior. My behavior gets progressively worse. I'm willing to do more, more readily, than I used to be willing to do in order to chase this thing. First time I went in my wife's purse. It's amazing how you have lines in your life that you just will never cross if your name is Ralph, at least. And the first line I had is, I don't steal. Then it became, well, I don't steal from anybody I know. Then it was, I really don't steal from my family. Then it was, I will never steal from my daughter. First time I went in my wife's purse. Somebody can feel me on this one. I wasn't stealing. I like when we were at the meeting and Bob talked about strapping up to a poly, or we were at dinner and he was like taking a polygraph and it would have came up. If I went, the first time I went in my wife's purse and took that $40, if you gave me a polygraph about it, I would have passed. I'm not stealing. I'm taking this money and I'm going to replace it before she knows it's missing. And I'm in it. Because I don't steal from my wife. Never would. Thought long and hard before I did that. Took the $40 out the purse, went out, blew it. Came back looking for some more money. She had moved the purse. I couldn't believe I had gone in it like that. Didn't look too hard for it. Said to myself, I am going to replace this money before she knows it's missing. Two weeks later, the same scenario presented itself. I was out doing what I do. Book talks about reasons we don't know about the alcoholic being unable to recall with sufficient force, pain, suffering, humiliation, a week, even days ago. I'm out doing what I do. Come back looking for the purse. And that thought about replacing money didn't even come to mind. In fact, it was replaced with another thought. And I didn't deliberate so long before I went in the purse with this new thought. This thought was, last time I took $40 out the purse, spent it all up, came back looking for it. I was looking for more and she had moved the purse. This time I'll take all the money out of the purse and that that I don't spend up, I'll sneak it back in the purse. And I was off and running to hit my wife's purse on a regular basis. Did that one night. Did it on a Wednesday, came back on a Monday. And I was out there. I was out there. I was out there. Screen door was locked. Note on the door. The rest of your shit is at your mama's house. Suitcase was on the porch. I'm put out of my house. I'm now my daddy. And I went to go stay in my mom's house. It's about 1983. By the end of 1983, my other five brothers that got put out of their respective homes, because we all did this together. And we all ended up back at my mother's house. . Six grown men. Not working. Some days we couldn't come up with five dollars between us. . And I can remember. . . . Now mind you, when my mom, three of my brothers, were the first three guys off our block in our neighborhood to go to college. They had written us up in a paper. They had written my mom up. The neighborhood had given parties. Everybody knew the white boys. . . . A couple of years later, after about 1984, 85, everybody in the neighborhood knew the white boys again. . . . Because the neighborhood watch had met about us. And their one goal, their one objective, and the one job of the neighborhood watch, was get them off this block. . . . My mom used to come home every single day with a bag of grocery, walking through the front door of her home, every day. . . . Because if she kept food in her refrigerator, she would have to go to the grocery store. . . . And if she kept food in the refrigerator, these six grown leeches that she gave birth to would have cleaned it out. Every day. . . . It got to the point, man, she changed the locks, had bars on her windows, didn't know we had rigged the fire windows. . . . And I can remember, man, towards the end, the highlight of my day being 6.30 in the morning when my mom would go to work. . . . . . . And I threw the bars on the window, go in her house, open up the door for the rest of us to come in. . . . And at 4.30 we disappeared before she got home. . . . When I went to stay at my mom's house, my ex-wife thought it was something salvageable about this piece of man that she married. . . . And she brought my daughter over on Saturday afternoons so we could keep a father-daughter relationship. . . . And I need to let you guys know that I wanted to be a father to my little girl with everything in me. I really, really, really did. . . . I'm not going to be like my daddy. Remember that one? . . . I wanted to take my little girl to Disneyland and Magic Mountain. . . . I wanted to walk up the street on Saturday afternoons with her little hand and my big hand and just take her to the store and buy her ice cream. . . . I wanted to take her to a movie on a Saturday. . . . I wanted to tuck her in bed at night and give her a good night kiss. . . . I wanted to sit her in my lap and read stories to her. . . . I wanted to get the look from my little girl that I've seen men in this fellowship get since I've been here. . . . To look like this is my daddy and this is my hero. . . . And the best I could do on those Saturday afternoons was 30 minutes. . . . 30 minutes. . . . . . . . . . And I was like, I'm going up to the store to get Ray some ice cream. . . . And I would disappear. . . . It would be Saturday, I'd come back Monday. . . . I'd sneak back Sunday night. . . . And I could remember on those long Sunday nights, man, sticking my head around the side of my mom's house. . . . Tears. . . . And through the tears, I'm looking at those two heads sitting up in that car. . . . And as the headlights were backing out when they were going home, I'd be thinking to myself, there goes my life backing out this driveway. . . . I'd be crying. . . . I heard a lot of members share about being scared of dying out there, and that's not a part of my story. . . . . . . I was never scared of dying out there. I was scared I was going to keep waking up to the same old shit, Monday the same as Tuesday, the same as Sunday, the same as Christmas, over and over and over and over again. . . . . . . . . . I could remember my mom went on vacation to the Bahamas. . . . . . . She came home a day early. . . . Looking back now that I'm in recovery, I realize she didn't come home a day early. . . . . . . She just didn't tell us the truth about when she was coming back. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . And when she came in her house, about this many alcoholics up in her house, man. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . And, oh man. . . . . . . And I am so glad that God don't make misery comfortable. . . . . . . And on October 11, 1986, I've gotten miserable enough and I've got tired enough, that I got directed to my fourth program of recovery. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . And on October 13 they took me to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous jnganago . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Alcoholics Anonymous, I was full of remorse. I was full of shame. I was full of guilt. I was full of I'll never be able to forgive myself for the things I had done. Because I've only shared with you guys the tip of the iceberg. I didn't share with you when I got put out of my house and went to stay at my mom's house, I started stealing out my mom's purse. Didn't share with you when I got put out of my house and went to stay at my mom's house, a check came to one of my little brothers in the name of R. White. If all of us are R. White, stole that. Didn't share with you when I got put out of my house and went to stay at mom's house, my grandmother gave me $200 to buy a plane ticket for the family reunion. If it wasn't for my mom, my grandmother never would have saw Atlanta, Georgia. Didn't share with you the first time I tried to get sober, my ex-wife got me a job at a radio station, stole $1,600 from them, ruined her reputation in that industry. Didn't share with you guys a whole lot. Suffice it to say, I had a lot on my tip when I came in these rooms. And I was full of I'll never be able to forgive myself for the things I had done. And a speaker was standing up in front of the group sharing somewhat like I've been sharing tonight. And he was sharing about taking from the family. And he was sharing about taking from the family. And he was sharing about taking from the job. And I remember looking at him and thinking to myself, yeah, you're sharing about doing scandalous things, but you look scandalous. You should have been doing that shit. I'm different. I wasn't raised that way. Y'all ain't going to hear my business. And the speaker seemed like he knew I was in the room because he read my mail and he dropped something on me like this. He said, if you're sitting in this room right now, you are not responsible for your disease, but you are responsible for your recovery. And you have just now tapped into a source of power much greater than yourself. And you don't have to drink and you don't have to use no matter what, provided you are willing to fulfill some conditions. And he caught my attention. And he went on to say, this is the only club you can be a member of where the worse off you are when you get here, the better off your chances of staying. And I got the message of hope at that first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous I went to. He shared with me what I suffer from, that it's something physically different about me than other folk. And he invited me to diagnose myself. And I am just like Chris when he shared that. For the very first time, a guy was talking about me without talking. And he was talking to me. I was not hip to somebody talking in the first person. And he was hitting me right where I live. And I was interested. I was interested. I had to be. Because I was desperate. Two conditions for me to get this program. Number one, I was desperate. Number two, I wanted it. And I wanted it real bad. You know, and I came up in these rooms, man, and he described to me what I suffer from. It's something bodily different about me. Ralph, don't take my word for it. Ask yourself, how many times did you say, I'm just going to spend 20? What happened? Ralph said, I'm just going to spend 20. I said, I'm just going to spend 20. He said, I'm just going to spend 20. What happened? Whole paycheck. How many times did you say, I'm just going to stop over here at happy hour? What happened? Whole paycheck. How many times did you say, I'm just going to stop off over here in my boy's house? What happened? Whole paycheck. Ralph, did it happen once? Did it happen twice? If your name is Ralph, did it happen every single Friday from 1979 to 1985 without fail? You know, my experience shows, Ralph, that what happens, I don't hold my hand. It's true. me when I take one of anything, no matter what I have to do, where I have to go, who I have to see, no matter how great the wish or the necessity, my body takes over and I have to have another. In a happy hour, I told my wife I'm going to be home at seven o'clock. That waitress comes by at a quarter to seven. My hand goes up. My mouth says, bring me eight gin gimlets. And I'm up in there closing the joint out, not knowing how it happened. My experience showed me. And old timers in the A put it in a way that just made sense to me. Ralph, it ain't the caboose that gets you ascending. It's the first one. It's the first one. And my experience abundantly confirms it. Well, Ralph, smart guy standing up in front of us talking like you know some shit. How do you explain stone sober? My car seemed to drive to the LIQ on payday. Second part of this disease, the mental obsession, the obsession that somehow, someday I'll be able to control and enjoy this magic potion. I discovered so many years. And you know what? That's a hell of a delusion to be in if you're anything like me. Control and enjoy. Anytime I was controlling my shit, I wasn't enjoying it. And anytime I was enjoying, I damn sure wasn't controlling. What makes me think I can control? And I can't drink because of my body. I can't stop because my mind refuses to accept that fact. I'm powerless. Third part of this disease, spiritual malady. 12 and 12 refers to it sometimes as a soul sickness. And in the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, it says, Ralph, if you work on the spiritual, the mental, and the physical, it's straightened out. And that, to our new friend, that is what it is we're doing right now. Right now. And that was scary to me. Work on the spiritual. Oh, shit, here they go with that guy thing. And you know, and I ain't knocking it. You know, and we don't have a monopoly. You know, I'm not the guy, you know, they could have got another speaker if they're looking for somebody to scare you in the recovery. You know, that ain't my message. Oh, if you go back out there still kicking ass, oh, it'll do this. I share with you guys, I did everything. I'm attractive. And sometime when I was out there doing it, man, people would look at me and say, God damn, Ralph, ain't you scared of overdose? And I'll be like, overdose? I'm scared of the deadly underdose. You better give me some more. So the message to the home of alcoholic of my variety is not the message of fear. Book talks about a message that's got to have depth and it's got to have weight. And the brother that's standing before you tonight, the message I have for you tonight is that you've got to have depth and it's got to have weight. And the most way is that you're looking at a guy who at 33 years old had given up on life. You're looking at a guy who at 33 years old was walking the streets three or four o'clock in the morning every single night. You're looking at a guy who had been so long since he had answered anybody's eight or nine o'clock wake up call, I didn't think I was any longer employable. You're looking at a guy, man, at 33 years old, did not know where his family was living. You're looking at a guy, you know, graduated from a major university in this country, graduated from a major university in this country, and my job at the end of my drinking was taking the trash out for a 21-year-old and stayed across the street from my mama. I was living in the back of my mother's garage and I was eating lemons off a neighbor's lemon tree for breakfast. That's the guy that you looking at and I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous on October the 11th of 1986 and the men and the women in this fellowship loved me and nursed me back to health. You gave me a solution, a way out a phone which we can all agree. And you said, Ralph, we may not have all the answers, but together I think we can work this thing out. You know, the men and women in here said something I found real strange, real curious, and I didn't believe it. Said something like this to me. Let us love you till you can love yourself. I said, you're lying. You're lying. I stink. If you turn your back on me, I'm liable to go up in your purse. How can you tell me you'll love me till I can love myself? And that was before I knew what takes place in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. That was before I knew what happens when the guy in you reaches out to the guy in me. That was before I knew that in Alcoholics Anonymous, we specialize in loving unlovable people. And you love me and you nurse me back to health. You gave me a solution. You gave me a practical program of action. Step one, admit it that I'm powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. And know when. That's when I'm going to be able to do it. That's when I'm going to be able to do it. The last step is to talk about accepting powerlessness. Step one is the problem. And step one is the conclusion I draw based on my experience. I hear a lot of people talk about, I'm working on step one. I'm doing the work on step one. And I always find that curious. Because I don't have to come in these rooms and, I guess I'll decide to be powerless over alcohol. No. Alcohol decided that shit for me quite well. You know. Step one is the conclusion I draw based on my experience. But I didn't have the sense or the knowledge or the understanding or the information to know what that experience is. I didn't have the sense or the knowledge or the understanding to know what that experience really meant until I came in here with you guys. And you told me, Ralph, when you take that first one, it says something off in your body. I suspected I was bodily different, but I had it backwards, as I do most things. I thought my body was different. Yeah. I'm high capacity. The reason I drink so much is because I can. And these other people are poop butts. They wimps and they're bodily different. They can't do it the way us trunks, you know. All the people who did it like me. Okay, smart guy. Sit your ass down, you know. And they work with me, you know. Step one is the conclusion I draw based on my experience. And step one is the problem. Admit it that I'm powerless. And nowhere in that step does it talk about accepting powerlessness. In fact, a little bit later in the book, it says something like, lack of power, what? My dilemma. Not having power is my problem. Step one is the problem. What's my solution? I need some power. Step two. Can't believe a power greater than me could restore me to sanity. And guess what? Step two is also. What conclusion I draw based on my experience. I tried to stop me. I made vows. I made agreements with my brother. We'll never get fronted anymore. We will only get loaded together. We ain't going to go around these things. You know, I cried with my mama. Me, my brothers, my mama, we got in circles and we held hands. I got with my wife and I made vows to her and I thought I met him. I cried. I did it. And my job. If you come in here like that again. If you call in sick again. Oh, I will not. I couldn't stop me. You could. You couldn't stop me. If it ain't a power bigger than me who could stop me, I'm in big trouble. I took step two out of desperation and I took step two out of what do I have to lose. I took step two. If there ain't a power bigger than me who could stop me, I'm in big ass trouble. And I took step two just like that. The book makes it really easy. I ask myself, do I not believe? I am not even willing to believe. And, you know, if you hear people in here talking about this is a spiritual program and if you anything like me, it gets real scary. I was raised in church and the rest. And I'm not in church, but I love going somewhere where they were saying church, where they were saying God and fucking the same thing, oh, that's my kind of place. I could maybe this spiritual thing is, you know, and I don't usually use that. And but but that worked for me. The book talks about talking in our own language. Each person shares in his own language, I form this relationship with this power. And I love the language that you guys gave me when I came up in here because of these and the vows and the throats and the thou mayest and all that you were missing me. But people were standing up in here and they would be saying some shit. And then in the next sentence will be dropping the G word on me. And I could get with that. I could get with that man. It made it a little bit more easy for me. Step three made a decision to turn my will, which is my thinking and my life, which is my actions over to the care of God as I understood it. And the first time I talked to my sponsor about that stuff, I said, turn my will and life over to God as I understand it. I don't understand it. My sponsor said it ain't but two things you need to go know about God in order to start this process. Number one, he is. Number two, he ain't you. And from that beginning, all sorts of remarkable things have happened in this man's life. I get the opportunity to work with a lot of men and women in the program, and I'm not one of the ones that's real big on the don't. Don't go around these kind of people. Don't go around these kind of places. Don't get in. Don't do this. Don't do that. Do go to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. Do read the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, somebody who has work and knowledge and experience with that book. Do get a sponsor who has work and knowledge and experience with the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Do apply the steps to your life to the best of your ability right where you are right now. Do work with another alcoholic. Do get in touch with a guy to your understanding. Then do whatever the hell you want to do. This program is about and it ain't about losing. And that's been my experience, man. You know, I'm one of the ones. I'm one of the ones that, you know, and somebody in here is like me. And if you're sitting in this room and you think this program is just about not drinking and just about not using, you're shortchanging the program and you're shortchanging yourself. This program is about a whole lot more than just not drinking and just not using. I'm not I'm not knocking physical sobriety. Don't get me wrong. If you just don't drink and you just don't use, you might make it home with a whole paycheck on Friday. If you just don't drink and you just don't use, you might stop going to jail on the weekend. If you just don't drink and you just don't use, you might make it to work on Monday morning. But what this program has to offer is a whole lot more than that. What this program is really about is about obtaining and maintaining access to a source of power that does for me what I can't do for myself. What this program is really about is about obtaining and maintaining access to a source of power that can do anything but fail. What this program is really about with a face on it. You want to see the program in action? Take a look around the room right now. What this program is really about is about taking people like us, drunks and addicts and boosters and hustlers and convicts, con artists, strawberries, tricks, failures as parents, failures as kids, failures as employees, broken down men, pieces of men and women who don't have dreams and goals and hopes anymore. This program takes people like us and puts us together in one room. And I stick one hand in your hand, another hand in God's hand. And we pick up our beds and we walk out of these rooms as mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, sons, daughters, daughters, employees, employers, role models in our community. This program is about growth. This program is about change. If it's going to be any changes made in my life, it begins and it ends with me. I've had so many blessings since I got on this road of recovery that you guys put me on the road to really go somewhere on the broad highway. I'm not one of the people that talked about the road gets now. Yet there's a lot of shit that gets discarded, but as it gets discarded, the road broadens. They might mess. I cannot tell you. You know, I got married 10 years ago. It'll be 11 years in September. Another woman found me worthy. I got all the way down the aisle this time. I even had a picture to prove it. Got a nine year old daughter in home. Never seen her daddy loaded and one day at a time, she never will. . I was in the hotel before I went to dinner. I called my wife and I called my daughter. And it still overwhelms me, man, what you guys have done with it. With a piece of man like me. That 20 year old daughter whose piggy bank I was going in. . She's a junior at UCLA now. . Three years ago, we went up to that campus for orientation. Parents go with the kids. And there were about 400 parents and kids sitting in this auditorium, looking at a film, walking the campus and I'm showing her around and showing her her place as me and her mom and used to be in the residence. And I'm in this spot, man. And my girl is giving me the look I've always wanted, like this is my daddy and this is my hero. And I don't know about you, but sometime when you in your day to day. And the reason, you know, I'm 17 and a half years sober and the reason I still go to Liberty Summit, I was there, I go around, I see the comer, all the pounds and everything. Someday you eat, diabetes and everything else. And I always dont believe you wereent at the bar of engaged. And he often Ph.D. bar. But as long as I'm tendering up, not growing old, growing pocket cup, that's all I'm talking about. All right. And I'll be remembers that. Because I never thought I'd be doing it again, man. I never thought I would. I was always one of the next year daddies. Somebody in here relates. You know on Christmas and on birthdays, you look at your watch if you're Ralph, you look at the sun and you think to yourself, right about now they're opening presents. Next year I'm going to get that girl something. Next year I'm going to get that girl something. And as a result of being a participating member of this fellowship and this program, for the last 18 Christmases, last 17 birthdays, last 17 and a half every days in between, I've been a this year daddy. And how it ruins the alcoholics anonymous, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah yeah. I remember sitting in my mom's house one morning congratulating us on death in 1987. Sunday morning, gets up to go to church as she 206- Dasselle Set himself free and to dance every Sunday morning. And she comes out of her bedroom. You know having shit on his bachelor's and a band wygląda as 6 blocks away QT. That's that crazy thing. inclined such fun. Mommy maybe have her hadn't you didn't she really wonder why we had this Kevin. and her living room was full of drunks. And my mom looked at these drunks and she says with tears in her eyes, I want to thank you guys for my son. Because these drunks were sitting in her living room and each one of them had a blue book open. And it was the very first meeting of what's come to be known as the Never Too Early Big Book Workshop. Los Angeles, California. It started with eight people around my mother's dining room table. We go through the meeting. We go through the meeting. We go through the first. We go through the title page all the way through chapter seven, working with others as a group. And we usually take the last workshop we did, took 16 months. And we've been doing that consistently since 1987. And we started in my mom's house. We opened three weeks ago with a brand new workshop. And we meet in the recovery center and over 300 members were there. And I wasn't expecting that when I came in the room. I wasn't expecting that, man. I just wanted to learn how not to spend a whole paycheck and get my ex-wife back. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What I'm doing right now is talking about the program of recovery. The ability to talk about the program of recovery ain't got a lot to do with the ability to live it. This is a living program. It's within the reach and it's within the grasp of anybody under the sound of my voice. And that's what I like the most about this power you guys introduced me to. He ain't tired and he don't discriminate. What he's done for so many people in this room, man, he's still in the business of doing it. You know, I'm one of these people that I understand. You know, I used to say when I got sober, what are you going to do when you get sober anyway? You know, and I was in a recovery home and had the audacity to make a statement like that. And this guy said, Ralph, what were you doing before you got here? And my life consisted of getting it, doing it, coming down from it, getting it, doing it, coming down from it, getting it, doing it, coming down from it. And I had to know to say what you're going to do when you get sober, like I had a full social calendar, you know. You know, and I say this on New Friends. I go to Dodger games. I go to Laker games. I go to plays. I go to movies. I go to meetings. I go to conventions. I've traveled throughout most of the United States and I've been to Canada and I've been to London. A guy that couldn't get off the block, you know. I go to PTA meetings. I go to work. My life is so full, man, you know. And yes, I am deadly serious about this program, but guess what? I don't have to be serious. I'm in this program. If you ain't laughing in this program, you ain't taking this program serious enough. You know, and that's been my experience. You know, I ain't came up in here to be crying. I could be miserable loaded. My life has turned around so much, you know. And for me to be up in front of you guys tonight, check this out. I'm going to sit down and I'm going to get away from here. Because I understand what it is that we're doing up in these rooms, man. I really, really, really, really, really understand that. We are people who are uniquely qualified to do something that only we can do. And every time we go to a meeting, just think about that. That only we can do it. The ex-problem drinker, properly armed with facts about himself, can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic when seemingly nobody. Just think about it. Every time I go to a meeting, I get the opportunity to participate in some little boy or some little girl getting ready to have mama come back in the house. Imagine that. Every time I go to a meeting, I get to participate. And some man or some woman getting ready to receive a hell of a spouse in the house. Every time I go to a meeting, I get to participate in some family getting ready to be reunited. Every time I go to a meeting, who wouldn't want to be part of a fellowship like that? I used to say, like I said at the beginning, I want to be important. I want to do something special. I want to leave my mark on the world. And my grandmother used to say, God writes straight with crooked lines. I didn't know what she meant till I got here. Because I can think of nothing more important. I can think of nothing more significant than being a participating member of the life-saving, life-changing experience that is Alcoholics Anonymous. Whenever anybody anywhere reaches out for help, I want to hand the aid to be there. And for that, I'm responsible. And I take the responsibility seriously. I want to leave this fellowship better than I found it. My part of it. And for that, I'm responsible, man. I want to thank those of you who were here who kept the light on for a drunk like me when I stumbled up into the door. I want to thank you for my life. I want to thank you for my family's life. I got three brothers in this program, man. And they were my best friends. And if you in the life, we turned on each other like vicious animals. And I got them back. I want to thank you for my mom. My mother suffered a nervous breakdown. And really, I want to thank you for that. I want to thank you for that. I want to thank you for that. I want to thank you for that. And right now, my mom sends people to our workshop. She used to swear at me about coming to church. Now she sends us ministers. She sends us deacons. I want to thank you guys for just picking up a drunk like me, man, and giving me my life back. I am one that's real, real, real, real grateful, even today. I'll never say I don't know why I'm sober. I know exactly why I'm sober. I'm just a little bit drunk. I'm a little bit drunk. I'm a little bit drunk. I'm a little bit drunk. I'm a little bit drunk. I'm a little bit drunk. I know exactly why I'm sober. I get a blessing so that I could be a blessing. Recovery for me is a gift from God. What I do with my recovery, that's my gift to God. My name is Ralph White. I am an alcoholic. My worries are easy. alleviate my fears or side effects. What I want to say is thank you for listening. Exactly. I appreciate your time. Thanks for listening. robotsadvik.com stern