Rewrote ‘To the Wives’ as ‘To the Husbands’ Before Step 1 Finally Landed – Leslie R.

Okay, cool. Let's have an AA meeting. My name's Sarah, and I'm an alcoholic. I'd like to welcome you all to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting at the NABBA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. We have another reading here, and this reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book. It says that each individual in our own personal stories describes in their own language, from their own point of view, the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope that no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that we can make a difference in the world. We hope that no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that we can make a difference in the world. We hope that no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that we can make a difference in the world. We hope that no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that we can make a difference in the world. that isn't how I wanted to be but that's what alcohol brought me to at the end so I went down to Santa Barbara and I was too sick to drink Monday so I called in from work and Tuesday I dragged myself into work and hadn't had a drink since Sunday night so I kind of detoxed at home I didn't have the DTs yet I wasn't arrested yet I hadn't killed anybody yet I hadn't hurt myself yet but my family was suffering and they decided I didn't need to go into the psychiatric wing thank you I could go straight into their 28-day program and at that time it was a little run-down motel on North State Street in Santa Barbara and the place was like a revolving door people coming and going and I stayed there the whole time the first week I was there I did not want to be there I was so mad my big book I was so mad at my husband for giving me an ultimatum that one night there's this chapter in here called to the wives perhaps some of you have read it mine says to the husbands I changed every her to a him that's my book and I wanted my husband to read it he was the reason I had to get sober I'm the problem he's the problem no I am the problem if I'm not the problem there is no solution and I started listening to people they used to take us to meetings every day and we had to go and get a newcomer chip at every meeting so I have a whole bunch of those but funny thing is I started to listen to back up a little bit I had first gone to AA when I was younger in my architecture school I started to listen to the doctors and I started to listen to my 30s. I was 46 when I got here. And I didn't think I had that much of a problem. I was only drinking schnapps and smoking a little of that funny stuff. But my kids were starting to get older and notice it. They were three and five at the time. And I couldn't wait for them to take a nap. It's hard raising kids. My husband worked rotating shifts, so he wasn't there to help out a whole lot. He worked 12-hour shifts. And I was barely taking care of our kids, so he gave me an ultimatum then. And I went to AA for about six months. And I do like stories. I like listening to people. And they had lots of good stories. But I was looking at the differences, not the same. Similarities. And I didn't think it really was for me. And six months later, I decided I didn't need to go anymore. But I went to... I paid for one of those women's retreats. And Father Tom was speaking. And he let me know it was progressive and that it was nearly always fatal. in one way or another and I went with some of my friends and this one lady was so excited they did a countdown which if any of you have been to a countdown at a convention they're awesome whether they start with people with 50 years and over or they start with people with whatever amount of time so they were starting with 50 plus going down and I was supposed to pick up a six month chip and when it came to six months she's looking at me all excited and I didn't stand up because I'd already started drinking and her face fell and that was the first of many disappointments and I'd see her for the next ten years because it took me ten years to get back I had to see for myself if it was progressive if I really was an alcoholic and I pretty much decided I was I went from schnapps to brandy and I always liked the big bottles my husband still remembers when I brought that bottle home and I said I'm not an alcoholic I'm not going to those damn meetings anymore and I uncapped it and just started guzzling and he goes oh god um by the end of the time I was drinking vodka pretty much every day throwing up every day I like to drive drunk my daughters oh god they were in a lot of activities at night and or after school and I still have the note that my daughter wrote me here she put it under my vodka bottle I used to drink it a lot I used to drink it a lot I used to drink it a lot I used to drink it a lot I used to drink it a lot I used to keep them either in the kitchen under the counter or in the bathroom and I would do shots of sets of three so I could keep track of them but after 12 or 15 I kind of lose track a little bit and I'm only awake for another hour or so before I'm passed out on the floor and this is the note she left me it says bad idea with arrows we love you and I'm like I'm going to get out of the house I'm going to get out of the house I'm going to get out of the house I'm going to get out of the house my kids were trying to get out of the house as much as they could they didn't want to be around because I was passed out on the floor about 7.30 every night and we had a cat and I would wake up and since I slept on my side she would rest on my side and she could balance that way because I didn't move and I was like until I stumbled downstairs to the guest room and there were a couple of chips out of the drywall where I kind of crashed into the drywall as I went downstairs so I got sober and I listened and I started going to meetings which is a heck of a lot cheaper than going to rehab and I got a better message in rehab they wanted to do stuff like write alcohol a love letter goodbye which it was my best friend I drank when I was happy I drank when I was sad and at the end I was just sad all the time I wrote letters about how my family was so mean to me not looking at how mean I was to them they just wanted their mom back and their wife back and it's amazing alcohol is the great eraser for me I've always liked music when I was driving down here tonight I was listening to the 70s because that's when when I was a teenager and at the end there was this song in 2004 it was Los Lonely Boys How Far Is Heaven and it was it was it was it was it was it was it was I would sing that and cry How Far Is Heaven Heaven was just right around the corner because God had a big plan for me He didn't want me to to die He didn't want me to get arrested and towards the end there I was stopped at 9 o'clock on a Sunday morning my daughter was in water polo and I liked to get up at 7 o'clock in the morning when everybody was sleeping she was still sleeping and get blitzed before everybody got away but then I had to take her to water polo so the cops stopped me at the foot of my hill and he shouldn't have let me go but he did luckily I was just a block away from home I also wasn't driving as much the liquor store was just at the foot of that hill and I would walk down there because I didn't feel okay to drive and I was just at the foot of that hill I would kind of black out on the way down get my vodka and then go back home again I like to drink at home and torture my family my husband used to have a note on the side of his desk he was trying to teach himself programming and it said don't ask Leslie anything after dark because I'm good with computers and he was trying to learn it and I was trying to learn it and I'd come in because he asked me a question and I thought I was making sense he didn't so anyway I started going to meetings and they had 7am's which I love and because y'all are pretty wide awake at 7 o'clock in the morning some of my favorite people were at those meetings there was a guy that he had 35 years of sobriety when I came in he got sober down in Los Angeles he knew Clancy and Dr. Paul and he would tell me because I cried all the time crying is good for ya you don't have to pee as much and I said oh these people have a sense of humor maybe I won't cry I will like this because I hadn't had a sense of humor in a while I still tell that to people I still get a laugh I still cry today but that's not because I'm feeling sorry for myself it's because I could have missed it I'm so glad you guys are all here tonight I was hoping there might be a football game or something because I get a little nervous speaking in front of people when I first came in I thought if I waited 10 years maybe they wouldn't remember me but doggone it some of them still remembered me and I was glad they did one of my good buddies had come in and stayed in and so he'll always have 10 years more than me we would see each other when I was out buying my alcohol and now we get to see each other and I'm so glad at meetings he started going to the when we moved here from California and I get to see them in another 6 months in Detroit which is where the international is going to be this year my sister I have two sisters one still lives at home one is still there and another one is still there that's my past my last sister still alive. She got sober last January 18th up in Dearborn, Michigan, just outside of Detroit. She was the one that I thought would escape this disease. Our dad drank when we were growing up. That's why I thought I'd never be an alcoholic, because I didn't want to be like my dad. But I did. My younger sister, two years younger than me, passed away from this disease three and a half years ago. She was proud of me for getting sober. I went to visit her the week before I got sober. She lived up in Gig Harbor, Washington, and she wasn't that bad then. And she got me the fancy vodka. And I remember one time she was trying to talk. She talked to me, and I was sliding down a black hole. And she was saying, Les, come back. She drank Jack and Coke at the end, the last couple years, and didn't eat hardly anything. She had a seizure. They took her to the ER. We got there a day later, and ten days later, they pulled the plug. We were playing Al Green and Barry White. And Tom Jones, when she passed away. She's up there in heaven now, not suffering anymore. My dad passed away probably from complications of this in 2013, also in January. I was there in Chicago when he passed away. I got to go to some of the best meetings ever. My sister's a flight attendant. And she had to go back to work. And so I stayed with my dad. And I went to a meeting by the airport. And they told me always to share if you're a visitor, especially if you got something going on. And so I shared that my dad was dying, and that I'd appreciate if anybody knew some good meetings. And after the meeting, this lady comes up to me. She had 35 years at the time. She's a nun with a medical background. And it was Sunday morning. She goes, there's a meeting tomorrow night, Monday night. We're going to go to dinner first. And then there's a step meeting. So I went, had a great time. Cops and lawyers and judges and warehouse people, real estate agents, teachers. Then she said, Wednesday night, we're going to a meeting. And I said, okay. And she said, okay. And I said, okay. We're going to have a women's meeting. We're going to go out to dinner first. And then go to the meeting. And there was a lady from my part of California that was there. So we got to talk a lot at the meeting before the meeting. And then Thursday, my dad had that sundowners thing, where when it starts to get dark, it gets worse. And he thought every night they were trying to kill him. And so I called her about sundown. And I said, what time is the meeting? And she said, I don't know. I said, I don't know. I said, I don't know. And so we got to the meeting tomorrow night, Friday. And she goes, it's at six. We'll have dinner afterwards. I said, oh, okay. I can pick a hotel. And she goes, I won't hear of it. You're staying with me. I met her three times. She gave me a key to her house, key to her car. I ended up staying there a week through Christmas. And then went over to my sister's in Detroit. And then when I came back, she gave me the key to her house and her car. And we went to more meetings. sister had to go back to work she really helped me a lot and then two weeks later my dad passed away at the end there he wanted to drink so bad but we wouldn't give it to him some of my dearest friends have been in their 80s and when they got towards the end they were still helping people they had this light this freshness of spirit we get to trust God clean house and help others and that's what they did till the end they wanted to die sober and that's how I want to die someday hopefully not anytime in the near future there's a lot of things we get nicknames here in AA my nickname nickname when I first told my story was hummingbird but my husband and I met in Florida and I was just 22 and he was 26 and we like to drive around and they've got these little farm stores with this cow out in front and get a couple of Heineken and then when those ran out of course we'd have to stop at another farm store get another Heineken only one at a time and there wasn't a farmstore around so we had to go to a 7-eleven and there was three very tall very young men cut in front of me and I started to give them shit and my husband yanked me back and he goes don't let your alligator mouth get your hummingbird but into trouble because I'm gonna have to back you up and so then my group started calling me hummingbird and then my group is streetプcribe and they just called me hummingbird and said I love hummingbird and I'll marry you soon carrie bird button and they shortened it to hummingbird, which is also quite appropriate because I do like to flit around. One time I was in a meeting with a guy named Moose, a guy named Bull, and then there was me, little hummingbird. We get a sense of humor. I got my sense of humor back. Um, life is not a veil of tears anymore like it was when I was drinking. We are definitely not a glum lot. I love to go to different meetings. I have friends all over the place. I go to visit my sister in Michigan quite a bit and I'll take her to the airport in the morning and then I'll go on the map. Okay, I'm going here. Um, so I go to, um, one time I went to Akron and I got to go to Dr. Bob's house. I went to central office. They have one of those great big welcome home signs. Um, and all the pictures and archives are there. Um, then I went to a meeting downtown. Um, awesome meeting. And then I went to Dr. Bob's house and they have another welcome home sign there and they give you a hug and um, and then I went to Dr. Bob's house and they have another welcome home sign there. Um, you get to tour the house where he helped all those hundreds and hundreds of people. There's a little empty whiskey bottle downstairs in the basement. There's one in the bathroom by the waste pipe. Um, there's coffee and cookies in the kitchen. So of course I had to buy the coffee mug that said I had a drink at Dr. Bob's. Um, I've gone to Cleveland. Um, I usually go find a meeting. Um, I usually go find a meeting. Take myself to some place with an unusual name. Um, in Cleveland I think it was like the Lizard's Tale or something. Um, I've been to, uh, Corpse Coffee in Huron. Uh, and I usually look for weird stuff. Um, and here in Georgia we have quite a few weird, weird things. Um, I think they're pretty cool. There's only two apps that I've ever really bought. Um, one is Pink Cloud, which, um, tells you where AA meetings are. Um, it has maps. It has, um, a little bit about the meeting. Although we have a free one now, Meeting Guide, that, um, I believe is endorsed by, um, AA World Services. Um, and my other favorite app is called Roadside America. So that's where I find the weird stuff, like giant pink elephants. Um, I found a... When I was in an Indianapolis visit and a friend, we went to, um, her favorite meeting. And then, um, I, on my way back to Michigan, there's a giant pink elephant. They're like 30 feet tall, Pepto-Bismol pink, just like the pink elephants in the room. And they usually have glasses. And this was, this one was in front of a liquor store holding a martini glass. So I'm out there taking pictures and there's these three guys looking at me from the, from... Portugal, and there's another crazy lady taking a picture. Um, around here, um, I love all the different meetings. Um, my home group is Houston. Um, and, uh, we meet Monday, Wednesday, Friday night at 8 o'clock. When I first moved up there, I was, um, rather upset that they just had three meetings a week. 8 o'clock at night? Dear God. That's late. Um, but I love those meetings. I love those people. Uh, we have the best eatin' meetin' in the county. It's the last Friday of the month. Um, this Friday we're going to be celebrating if Miss Lois shows up. She has 44 years. Um, little Mary Kay lady. Um, we'll have over 200 years in our group. Um, I also go to Gainesville Classic Sunday mornings. I go to... I go to Prince of Peace and Flowery Branch Saturday mornings. I go to a women's group. I go to another women's group. Sometimes I go to Jug Tavern and Serenity. And now that I know you guys aren't that far away, I'll plan on coming down here a little bit more. Um, AA has definitely saved my life. It's given me a life. Um, when I was five years sober, um, my older daughter was away. At college. I didn't know it, but she was heavy into her alcoholism. I should have known it when we went up there when she turned 18. And she said she had a study group the night of her birthday. And when we went to pick her up the next morning, she couldn't stop pukin'. Um, she moved to Brooklyn, New York right before Hurricane Sandy in 2012. And she got sober two years later. So she just celebrated. Uh, five years. Um, she's only, well, she's 31 now. And my younger daughter, um, still lives in California. She goes to Al-Anon, although I'm saving her a seat. She likes tequila. Um, and so did I, when I was younger, I used to call me two shots. Um, but, uh, and my husband sometimes goes to Al-Anon. Although he doesn't understand, um, because a lot of people that, the Al-Anon groups that he goes to, their, their family members are still heavy drinkin'. And since I've been sober, we've been able to repair our relationship most of the time. Although sometimes I go through, as they call it, seasons of sobriety. And, um, back in 2014, I was going through kind of a low point. And, um... I remember we were arguin' a lot. Um, and I said I was gonna go to my sister's for the summer and I might not come back. And he goes, okay. Wrong answer, huh? A year later, he retired and he asked me if I'd come with him. So, we've gone through a bunch of things. He had a stroke, um, when I was three years sober. The following year, um, my, uh, daughter was involved. She was an internet predator when she was 15, my youngest daughter. Um, and I got to go through that sober. When they were sentencing the guy, um, I didn't have anybody from, I'd had a friend going with me to the previous hearings. And when it was his sentencing, nobody could go with me. So, I got there early and I was saying my prayers. And doggone it, if one of those 7 a.m. people wasn't there, um, they'd just pop out of the work. Woodwork. When I least expect it, there's always somebody there for me. And I get to be that somebody, too. Um, my older daughter also had a bad thing happen to her. And then a year later, my appendix blew. And, um, back in the old days, you died from that stuff. Um, instead, I was in the hospital for 11 days. Ha ha ha. Dreaming about it. Dreaming about food. Because they wouldn't give me any. And I remember, um, I would get up to take my walk. And I like to say my prayers when I, um, when I first get up. And one morning I was taking my walk and the nurse said, I think you need another gown in the back. Ha ha ha. Oh. And my AA friends all came to visit me. Which, um, God bless them. Because I had a tube up my nose. I'm carrying a tube. Um, but they didn't care. That's what we do for each other. Uh, we don't expect anything. It's for fun and for free. This AA way of life is the best I've ever lived. And when I first came in, I thought it would be the worst thing that ever happened. Um, I get to live here in Georgia. I love AA Georgia. Um, wherever I go, I feel at home. There's people just like me everywhere I go. And you all have interesting stories. I still love to listen. I'm not one for talking most of the time. When I first came in, some people would talk a little bit long. And you could tell by looking around the room, some people go like that. I don't want anybody to ever do that when I'm talking. Um, but when somebody else is talking, you have my full attention. Because you never know what someone will share that just hits right where I'm at. Um, there's a few things in here. My, um, first sponsor was known as Old 449. Um, back in the third edition, um, acceptance was on page 449 and now it's on 417. And I think I'll just read it. Um, acceptance. Is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation, some fact of my life unacceptable to me. And I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it's supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. Um, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. And I heard a speaker say one time that there's man's world and there's God's world. Because she had a problem with that. Nothing ever happens in God's world by mistake. And she said, what about all the terrible things? And they said, that's man's world. We were each given free will. And some people just... Go with it. It's like a tidal wave taking them out. And they take other people with them. But in God's world, he's got us completely in his hands. And, um, I feel that nothing bad can ever happen that he doesn't take care of me. In the morning, I like to go out. And at night, um, when it's dark, I like to get up before it's light out. And even when it's... Foggy. Um, I know the stars are up there. And that's kind of how my concept of God is. It's a God of my understanding that I don't have to understand. It's not the God of my childhood. And, um, I know a lot of people have a problem with that when they first come in. And I've seen people go out because they couldn't accept any concept of God. I just feel... There's some kind of divine spirit out there that no matter what we name it, um, just takes care of me and everybody. Um, there's, uh, another little part here that I'm going to read. And it was one of my favorite parts. And it is from The Keys to the Kingdom, which is one of my favorite stories. AA is not a plan. AA is not a plan. AA is not a plan for recovery that can be finished and done with. It's a way of life, and the challenge contained in its principles is great enough to keep any human being striving for as long as he lives. We do not, cannot outgrow this plan. As arrested alcoholics, we must have a program for living that allows for limitless expansion. Keeping one foot in front of the other is essential for maintaining our arrestment. And a complete change takes place. In our approach to life, where we used to run from responsibility, we find ourselves accepting it with gratitude that we can successfully shoulder it. Instead of wanting to escape some perplexing problem, we experience the thrill of challenge and the opportunity it affords us for another application of AA's techniques. And we find ourselves tackling it with surprising vigor. The last 15 years of my life have been rich and meaningful. I have had my share of problems, heartaches, and disappointments because that is... But also, I have known a great deal of joy and a peace that is the handmaiden of an inner freedom. I have a wealth of friends, and with my AA friends, an unusual quality of fellowship. For to these people, I am truly related. First, through mutual pain and despair, and later through mutual objectives and newfound faith and hope. And as the years go by, working together, sharing our experiences with one another, and also sharing a mutual trust, understanding and love, without strings, without obligation, we acquire relationships that are unique and priceless. There is no more aloneness with that awful ache so deep in the heart of every alcoholic that nothing before could ever reach it. That ache is gone and never need return again. Now there is a sense of belonging, of being wanted and needed and loved. In return for a bottle... ...and a hangover, we have been given the keys to the kingdom. And I thank you all for being part of my family and that we get to keep passing it on. Thank you. Thank you so much, Leslie. That was wonderful. And I'm always... I feel so blessed every time I get to hear the gifts that sobriety brings into people's lives. And it really gives me a lot of hope, so I appreciate you sharing that with me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.