Relieve Me of the Bondage of Self — Thirty Seconds Every Morning That Changed Everything – Josh H.

Tim said that tonight's speaker is a professional comedian, but he takes his sobriety very seriously. And I know he does because his home group is the 7.30 early morning meeting. I'm very excited to introduce our speaker tonight, Josh. All right, my name is Josh, I'm an alcoholic. I'm going to just say a little prayer my sponsor taught me. Breathe in God, breathe out me, breathe in faith, breathe out fear. I'm Josh, I'm an alcoholic, and it's an honor to be here with you guys tonight. I think one of the best ways to kick off any meeting is going to the literature, because I can't mess that up, the solution, so I'm going to mainline that for just a second. When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new employer, being all powerful, he provided what we needed. If we kept... Close to him and performed his work well. Established on such a footing, we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, we discovered we could face life successfully. As we became conscious of his presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow, the hereafter. We were reborn. We were now at step three, many of us said to our makers, we understood them, God. God, I offer myself to thee to build and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help with thy power, thy love and thy way of life. May I do thy will always. And it's a snapshot for me, a reminder. You know, when I first came into AA, one of the earliest things my sponsor taught me to do was to just say that prayer every day. And it's a miracle that when I took that one step to God, he took three more towards me. But I'll back it up a little bit because it was a windy road to get here. I grew up in a wonderful mixed-faith household. My mom was Christian. Dad was Jewish. I guess you could say I was Jew-ish, you know. And I was always trying to find my place, you know, because throughout my life, there was this narrative of something is wrong with me. There was this interior discomfort. Like, I'm all alone. And I'm not enough. You know, that narrative started to unravel as I went down the line and my addiction progressed. When I was nine years old, my parents divorced. And there was this, like, seismic rupture in my life. Why am I not enough to keep these two people together? Does true love really prevail? And so, it was around this time I started to seek to fill a God-sized hole with the approval of other people. I would try to make people laugh in class. I would do anything. I would do anything. I would do anything. I would do anything. I would do anything. I would do anything. I would do anything. I would do anything. I would do anything. to gain the approval and acceptance of other people. You know. I've actually, this is a true story. I went to 11 schools in my life. I went to 11 schools in my life. And not because I was networking. Okay? I got into a lot of trouble along the way. Early on, it was like right away one of my early memories. Around, you know, nine years old. I guess I was diagnosed with ADD. And it was like, something's not right with this guy. Anyone here have ADD by a show? Well, the rest aren't paying attention, so. I had like ADHD. That was like ADD in high definition. It drove my mom nuts. She tried everything on the market to fix it. Ritalin, Adderall, Dexedrine, adoption. She was desperate. Okay? But in all seriousness, it was like, this issue was compounded. And I kept getting in trouble in class as I was growing up. And I would be the class clown. I would just do whatever it took to seek the approval of my peers. And this progressed, this progressed. And it was around 13 years old that I discovered my three main addictions, which were drinking, drugs, and addiction in the area of lust. You know, I remember when I had my first drink. I was about 14 years old. And I was at my friend's lake house. And I was... I was too much of a kid still to actually be able to ingest and drink real alcohol successfully. I'd always get sick. Or I just couldn't really. It just was so gross. But they had this thing called Tropicano rum. And I guess they mixed it with enough stuff where it tasted kind of like Kool-Aid. And I remember feeling and getting drunk for the first time in my life. And being like, this changes everything. I have found the solution to my problems. I'm not all alone. I'm not all... I'm not... You know, I am enough. And all of a sudden, it feels like I fit in. My jokes are landing. Everything is right with me. Socially. Emotionally. Spiritually. I mean, it was a spiritual experience. Looking up at the stars in wonder. The only problem was it had a half-life. But here was a little bit of a sign that this might have been an addiction. The first time I drank, we went to a grocery store the next day with my friend. My friend's parents at his lake house. And I was trying to steal alcohol from the grocery store. I was strategizing. How can I get some of these mini wine bottles out of here? You know, most people don't go from their first drink at 14 to trying to stage a heist at Publix, right? It should have been a red flag, but no, I just thought I found the solution. You know, a lot of people had a drinking problem. I had a drinking solution at this point. And so this was compounded, right, by a lot of other insecurities that were going on in my life. Now, this is true. When I was 13 years old, I was diagnosed with a growth hormone deficiency. Essentially, my pituitary gland didn't spit out enough growth hormone for me to reach my target height. So, when I was 13 years old, I was actually 4'7 1⁄4". I got my suits at Build-A-Bear. Alright, so... People were like, Josh, what do you want? What do you want to be when you grow up? I was like 5'8". But again, there was this running narrative of there's always something that's kind of wrong with me. How do I fix it? How do I fit in? How do I become enough? And as I got older, you know, it just felt like alcohol was the solution. You know, when I was 16 years old, I remember going on a family vacation, hanging out with friends, and all of a sudden, that insecurity kicks in. Well, not all of a sudden. It was kind of a running thread throughout the entire trip. But I'm hanging out with friends. We're in a hot tub. You know, high school trip. And it just feels like, how do I get these people to accept me? How do I say the funny thing? How do I, you know, earn their approval? Because again, I'm trying to fill this God-sized hole inside of me. And so, I shuffle off. I believe I get some alcohol, some caffeine, some vodka, and some Gatorade. I think that funnels it a little bit quicker into your bloodstream. And I come back, and it was like Superman came out of the phone booth. All of a sudden, I'm fitting in. My jokes are landing. Everything is right. It's like this changes everything. I have found my antidepressant, my mood stabilizer, the cure for my social anxiety. I mean, this ameliorated all my social discrepancies, and it was like this interior alchemy, I thought, occurred that made me feel like I was the person I was supposed to be. But again, the only problem is it had a shelf life, and it typically came with consequences. You know, I remember that night after, you know, temporarily fixing myself, I went back to my mom's beach house. It was my grandfather's beach house, actually. It makes it even worse. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and I was like, I'm going to go to the beach. I'm going to go to the beach. I'm going to go to the beach. I'm going to go to the beach. I'm going to go to the beach. I'm going to go to the beach. I'm going to go to the beach. Nauseous. Most people would go to the bathroom at this point to throw up. I just pulled the bed back, threw up on the side, like the crevice of the bed, and then went back to sleep. I mean, I don't, yeah. Anyway, my mom discovers this, and this is one of the beginning stages of just a litany of getting caught red, you know, red-handed, as a result of my addiction. You know, about a year, year and a half later, I ended up going on this summer trip for, it was kind of like a Christian youth group. Now, I wouldn't have classified myself as Christian at the time, but again, just trying to fit in. I ended up getting kicked off of this trip for shoplifting. Come back to Atlanta, and I remember that summer, my mom got me this job that I absolutely hated, but I mean, I think it was ingraining a smidgen of character in me. I had to wake up and go and pick up trash at the Toco Hills Shopping Center at like 6 o'clock in the morning. Nobody I worked with spoke English, and I remember sitting in the room with this guy and my mom, and he was going to be, I guess, the guy who over, you know, I don't know, he was sort of the manager of what I was doing, my boss, and he was like, well, I guess you could say I'm going to be your daddy for the next few weeks. I think that's not a good sign when you hear somebody say that to you at 17 years old. And I worked so hard, and I don't know, I was making about $6 an hour, and I cashed out after about two to four weeks. I'm like, thank goodness that's over, but I got this money. Now, most reasonable people would invest, but I didn't. I didn't invest this, put in a bank. I spent it, I believe, in one night on partying. Party favors, alcohol. That night, I remember intoxicated, driving on the wrong side of the road, trying to keep up with a friend who's on the right side. Just, it was absolute insanity. You know, a little bit later down the line, I remember going to a party. The cops show up. They tell everybody, they tell everybody to wait outside. They go inside to bust up the party a little more. I'm hanging out with this girl, and I'm like, are they gone? All right, let's book it. We get to the car. We speed off. And I'm thinking, this is the life. I'm intoxicated. I'm on a, you know, on a runaway from the police with this pretty girl. This is what it's all about. But again, the problem is just compound, right? Like, there's never enough alcohol to satisfy me, but there is enough to kill me. And I just know that the further I go, the higher the stakes get. That 18 years old, I go to a concert in Athens, Georgia. I step out of the concert to take a phone call. A cop shows up behind me. He says, are you drinking? No, sir, I'm not drinking. Looks in the cup. I'm clearly drinking. Strike one. He says, okay, are you underage? No, I'm not underage. Takes out my ID. Says, here, you're underage. Well, that's not me, officer. That's my brother. He lives in Atlanta. I mean, you think you just quit, you know, while you're behind at this point. He says, okay, then what's your address? And I start to make up an address. Man, I don't know if he was having, like, if he wasn't the brightest tool in the shed, you know, sharpest tool in the knife drawer, but he starts to buy it. And I get to the zip code, and he's like, and what's your zip code? And this is where I blew it. I was like, 5-4-3-2-1. I don't know exactly what I said, but he's like, wait a minute. This is you! And I tried to explain myself, and as I wound up, I threw up. And I remember he just stopped and looked at me. He goes, man, you just threw up on my boots. My brand new boots. And I was like, look, officer, I know we got off to a bad start, but let me explain. Round two. I threw up again. And what should have been a quick citation as a minor in possession turned out, ended up with me going to jail in Athens, Georgia. Having to have a friend bail me out the next day. This girl that was with this crew I was down there with. And those people would have thought, man, this is going to be expensive for my parents to try to rectify. This is bad news, but all I could think of was, I look pretty cool getting out of prison right now. Getting out of jail. And so again, problems just compound. They keep compounding. They keep compounding. And you know, I'm so grateful for my sobriety, man. Like I said, my worst days said were infinitely more meaningful than my best in addiction. I've come a long way. And one of the reasons I know I've come a long way is that I don't go to the ATM anymore after midnight. Amen? Let's be real. If you go to the ATM after midnight, the first thing that inserts your card, the first thing that should come up on that machine is, are you sure? Right now, your pin should be 911. Quarter of a breathalyzer comes out. It's always interesting trying to explain that. You bank the next day, right? I remember this is, I'm going to lightly paraphrase this, but from what I remember, I remember going to the ATM one night in college, about 23 years old or so. No. Like 22, maybe 22, 21. Trying to get some party favors, drunk. A guy drove me there. I inserted my card. The machine ate my card because I had so many overdrafts. And the guy said, only something someone high and intoxicated would say at that moment. He said, well, you win some, you lose some. What? Win some, lose some, bro. It's 3 a.m. My bank just broke up with me, right? So again, problems are just, it's compounding. I started to get a little bit closer to my bottom, 23 years old. I go to look at this college and I come back to Atlanta and I've just been on this radical bender. I end up mixing some things together that I shouldn't have mixed and I wake up in the hospital at Piedmont. Literally chained to the bed. A team of doctors hovering over me, no clue how I got there. And the first thing I said was, can I go? They were like, I guess, man. Just take it easy. And I was back to my addiction that same day. You know, like it's a reminder. There's never enough to satisfy me, but there is enough to kill me. You know, I end up going to this college and I would try so hard to stay sober, man, because, you know, when I was about 17, 18 years old, I ended up, drinking, using so much. But something happened inside of me and I felt like I went from this person that was charismatic to kind of manifest the kind of life that I was looking for, had relationships that superficially at least mattered to me to all of a sudden developing what I felt like was the most intense social anxiety. Every conversation I was in felt like it was a game of chess. Like a game of chess. How do I look normal here? How do I gain the approval of this person? It was just a strategy session. Every social gathering. And that was a nightmare for me. You know, being 17 years old, 18 years old, and thinking I had permanently broken myself. Like the best days of my life were behind me. And so, I remember that last drink that I had. Well, I would try to stay sober. And I would get a couple weeks, maybe, at best. And then I would go on a roaring bender. Maybe I'd get even longer. But it always would blow up in my face. So, I remember one time I was at college and I thought, okay, I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to do drugs. I've got to fix this thing that's wrong with me. I remember flying to Florida to get a special kind of therapy that I thought was good. That was going to fix my social anxiety, my OCD, my depression, all these things that were quote-unquote causing my addiction. So, I get back to college and I think, well, I think it might have worked. But I shouldn't drink because I don't want to undo whatever was just done to me. I remember going that night to a frat party. It was a keg party. And I thought, well, it wouldn't look normal if I didn't just have one drink. I had one drink. Then I had another drink. And then all of a sudden I've disappeared and I've got some party favors I've purchased. And within an hour or two, those are gone. I'm at my friend's house next door going through more party favors, intoxicated. And essentially, I get so out of control that I secretly start stealing their prescription medication. And this all started with one drink. And that's the reminder. You know, I don't know if I have another recovery in me, but I do know I have another relapse in me. And when I start, I can't tell you when I'm going to stop. I'm taking myself hostage. I come to a few, a day and a half later or so, and I'm woken up by these friends that are staring at me on the couch saying, you've got to get out of here. And I'm thinking, what's wrong? Well, they figured out that I had been stealing from them. I remember calling my mom that night, wailing, just so emotional. They ended up pulling me out of school. My dad drove hundreds of miles to come pick me up. He starts taking me to 12-step meetings. Now, here's the thing. I didn't get a sponsor. I didn't do the steps, but I started showing up. And that is a good first step, if nothing else. And I was able to stay sober for about, two months. And I had a successful professional engagement. And it was actually a comedy show. I got on stage. I tried it. It went pretty well. And I thought, well, it wouldn't be normal if I didn't celebrate with just one drink. And I have just one drink. Then I have another. And then I'm driving to somebody's house to get some party favors. And it's like, I didn't press restart. I pressed resume. I didn't work my way back up. I picked up right where I left off, man. And it, it turned into a wild ride for, I believe, the next nine months. Last drink I had, I was too intoxicated to tell a cab driver where I lived. So, I believe he took my license and took me to the address on there, which was my mother's house. So, I tried to just casually stroll in around three o'clock, four o'clock in the morning. My stepfather was like, whatever. But my mom, you know, she was like, Gandalf from Lord of the Rings. Thou shalt not pass. And she starts interrogating me. I black in to them hovering over me saying, should we take him to the hospital? The next day, she took away my car keys and starts dropping me off at AA meetings. Through God's amazing providence, I was evicted from where I was living that week. My roommate and I both were evicted. My friend's father was actually the landlord. He was like, I do not like what you guys are up to. You're both gone. He had also been, he had been arrested recently as a result of addiction. And it was just like, yeah, y'all are not, iron is not sharpening iron in this situation. So, I'm back at my mom's place. She takes me to my car keys. She starts dropping me off at AA meetings. And man, I must have just had a kernel of humility because there was this guy who had asked me to go rock climbing with him. A few months before. And I was like, yeah, I'm too cool for that. I got big things going on in my life. This guy, this guy had a lot of good stuff going on. I mean, he had what I wanted. But, yeah, definitely, you know, ego addiction. Me and my addiction, I, you know, just kind of strolled away. But I came back and praise God, I did come back because I remember seeing him and I asked him if he'd be my sponsor. And he said, sure, just call me once a day. Just call me every day and we'll meet once a week. And I thought, I've made a huge mistake. I do not want to do that. But I did. You know, I, I was broken enough to ask him for help. I started calling him daily. We met once a week. Started doing the steps. One of the first things he had me do was just hit my knees in the morning and say that third step prayer. It was, like, the smallest crumb. It probably took me 30 seconds to do. But, I mean, no step towards God is too small. Right? And I was realizing really quickly that my worst day sober was infinitely more meaningful than my best in addiction. God wasn't giving me my old life back. He was giving me a brand new one far better than anything I could have hoped for. You know, that first year in sobriety, I actually had to do stand-up comedy on TV. Which was so cool. I wouldn't have actually mentioned that, but per the introduction, I will share that. And it was, it was incredible because I remember walking by a television when I was in my addiction and seeing someone doing stand-up on television and thinking, remember when you had that dream, but it's gone. Your best days are behind you. I had to do stand-up on TV. And one of the crazy things was, it was like a competition comedy show. And the first night, I actually won. I got a standing ovation. And then a few nights later, I bombed really bad. Like, really, really bad. I was newly sober. Super anxious. It was not good. I mean, it's like, someone came up to me and gave me the worst compliment I've ever gotten in my entire life. They're like, hey man, forget what everybody else is saying. I think you're funny. It's like, thanks dad. What's everybody else saying? But that was the, that was the coolest thing. You know, seeing how God was working in my life. And that the Age of Miracles is still among us. You know, he was offering a comeback story that I thought was inconceivable. It shows about a year and a half into this journey, I realized that there was also an addiction in the area of lust. And, praise God, my AA sponsor pointed me towards a heroic soul who, and a, yeah, who led me to another program and as a result of that I have over 15 years of freedom in that department as well. And it's really amplified my connection to God. You know, I went from seeing him work in my life to really feeling him. It's kind of cranked up the cell signal from boost middle to Verizon, I think, spiritually. I'm very grateful for that. You know, and I think that you know, I think that one of the things that was so important, you know, was really getting down and dirty with an authentic fifth step. When I came to AA the first time, I definitely did a fifth step to the best of my ability. But there were certain things that were, I think, just too shameful to make the cut on that list. Now, most of the big ticket items were on there, but there were some things that were pretty dark in the sexual area I was too afraid to discuss. Right? And praise God, I remember hearing from somebody, how much should I share with my sponsor in a fifth step? With the response being, how free do you want to be? And there was this liberating freedom and reality that came as a result of that radical authenticity. And my sponsor, again, has been such a blessing in my life. There have been so many moments I've wondered how... I was on the phone with him before I came here. We said a prayer. And I remember asking, this is like the wisest person I know. I think he's 85, 87. He's in an assisted living facility now. I asked him, hey, sponsor, how do you make big decisions? And he said, I'll tell you how I make big decisions. I asked my sponsor what to do. He tells me what to do and I do it. It's like, how complicated. But trusting that God speaks to me through my sponsor. There have been so many instances, especially with making amends or taking steps towards God, walking through fear that I've had trepidation on, that I've been afraid to do, but that reminds me, my sponsor always reminds me, there's no growth in comfort. There's no comfort in growth. I think of an old pope who said this phrase, the world offers you comfort, but you weren't made for comfort, you were made for greatness. And through this program, which is a radical template for infinite growth, I've realized that everything I want so often is on the other side of fear. And a lot of times, the key to doing that is walking in service, right? I'm so grateful for the relationship I have now, especially my parents, that I'm going to say, you know, I remember going to a treatment center a little bit farther into my recovery and seeing this guy share his story. And there were so many young people that were in addiction at this place and they were just staring at this guy, captivated. And he was so well versed in the steps, the book. And I wanted that. You know, I wanted to be able to impart that kind of hope on people. So I started to dive deeper into studying the book, studying the book with my sponsor, studying the traditions, right? Because like they say, the 12 steps keep us from killing ourselves and the traditions keep us from killing each other. And seeing how pivotal those traditions are in the framework of this program. You know, I believe one of the first things I did to just really take a little bit of a step further, reading two pages of the big book a night. You know, getting more serious about my morning prayer routine and meditation. Jumping more and more into my life. More into service. Seeing God extend the hand of grace and allow me to cooperate with that. To be of service to other addicts. And watching to, you know, be a collaborator with the God of my understanding and helping other people author their comeback story. You know, the stakes are so high right now. I mean, for me, it's so beautiful to see all that God's done in my life. But it's also, it's so tragic to see what's happened to some of my friends. Like, regardless if I, which path I choose, I'm going to be a testimony for sobriety. I'll either be a bright light or a dire warning. One of my dear friends from high school, actually, and one of my best, he's one of my best friends in college. At 26 years old, he was told, if you ever drink again, you're going to die. He ended up going to a treatment center around here, getting some help. I remember seeing him at a Thanksgiving dinner. A little bit down the line. And saying, man, I'm so proud of you for jumping into recovery and taking what that doctor said seriously. I remember him looking at me saying, well, you know, that doctor might have been wrong about some things. And I thought, oh no. And within a year, I was at his funeral. It's a reminder, right? I can be a bright light or a dire warning. I know I've got another relapse in me, but I don't know if I have another recovery in me. And I just don't know what's on the other end of that yes to God. But it is such a better life. You know, the relationship I have with my parents is so much better. I remember one time my mom was saying before I got into recovery, she was thinking of moving to another state because there was so much friction in our relationship. My mom, to have that come from her is crazy because my mom loves me like so much. I think one of the closest I might ever get to the love of God is the love of my mother. One of my early memories waking up in the middle of the night, her hovering over me singing Rockabye Baby. It's really freaked out my roommates. So, she's a great mom and it's incredible to see the miracles that happen in this program. My worst day sober infinitely more meaningful than my best in addiction. And if I told God what I wanted when I came here that would have been all I got. It's been such a privilege helping other people in recovery as well. I think about one story that was a spot see of mine. They just had a miscarriage and I remember we met up and we prayed in this very special chapel. I think it was a pretty sacred place. And he ended up leaving the chapel getting a call from his wife and she said she was pregnant and they recently had that child that's been just so beautiful to help other people in their recovery, see marriages restored, lives renewed, dreams fulfilled. And that's, again, a result of this program. A little bit further into my journey, I remember going to do comedy on cruise ships. for a little bit which was cool. And it's just so cool because they actually have AA, Friends of Bill on these ships. I can have a home wherever I am. Recovery is, again, ubiquitous as a result of this fellowship. But one thing I did notice as I stayed a little bit farther away from the program on these ships is I got to not as many meetings available like the applause got louder. It's also interesting on some of these cruise ships because I don't know if you've ever been there's like these secret room service ninjas. You ever seen that? You like leave for five minutes you come back your room's clean like how did that just happen? Last cruise I was on I took a nap I woke up my bed was made. And I was clean shaven and showered. Recovery didn't give me my old life back it gave me a brand new one and it's restored my relationship with my family and it's been so incredible. You know, last year I lost my father and I remember I tried to get my old sponsor to give me my 16 year chip and he was unavailable and it just so happened that my father was the one who gave me that chip when I visited him. You know, the last thing we did together I believe was pray. The last words we shared were I love you when I saw him on Labor Day. We got to go to a meeting the night before and there's no regrets. Right? I mean, if I was drinking if I was using there would have been so many regrets but as a result like God works all things together for good and it was just a reminder you know, through that whole process I leaned into this program because this truly is I believe you know, wherever I am in life it's a template for infinite growth. I can get better on year 17 than I did in year 16 and so that whole process you know, like there were so many people that were hurting when my father passed but as a result of this fellowship my faith tradition the God of my understanding I was never hopeless. I was hurting but there was this interior alchemy that happened through God's grace to where it was not without purpose. Right? And one of the greatest gifts and bonding agents that my father and I had was the gift of recovery. You know, he brought me to my first meeting when I was 21 years old. He brought me back into this fellowship when I was ready to tap out. And it's just a reminder you know, for me the treasures that this program has to offer. I guess the last thing I might share is just the importance in meaning that my sponsor has in my life. Last week I went and you know, this is my I went to the day before I went to a meeting. I went to see my sponsor that morning. I went to church service. I worked with a sponsor that morning as well. Later that evening I had a phone meeting with one of my sponsors. He's you know, who's currently out of the state. But, I mean, this program just infuses my life with such radical meaning. And I think one of the keys for me is living in the literature and trying to be of service. So I will just I might close with this from step 12 or 12 and 12. Still more wonderful is the feeling that we do not have to be especially distinguished among our fellows in order to be useful and profoundly happy. Not many of us can be leaders of prominence nor do we wish to be. Service gladly rendered, obligations squarely met, troubles well accepted or solved with God's help, the knowledge that at home or in the world outside we are partners in a common effort, the well understood fact that in God's sight all human beings are important, the proof that love freely given surely brings a full return, the certainty that we are no longer isolated and alone in self constructed prisons, the surety that we need no longer be square pegs and round holes but can fit and belong in God's scheme of things. These are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions of right living for which no matter pomp and circumstance no heap of material possessions could possibly be substitutes. This is the important part. True ambition is not what we thought it was. True ambition is the desire to live usefully and walk humbly humbly. Under the grace of God. I was closed with a prayer that my sponsor shared with me that I have on a prayer card. God help me go where you want me to go. Let me meet who you want me to meet. Let me say what you want me to say and keep me out of your way. Amen. Thank you so much Josh and I for one am very grateful I've had the opportunity to do the things I did not want to do in sobriety.