Relapse Is a Trap Door Under Every Bottom — Forget It and You Repeat It – Leslie D.

My name is Terry. I'm an alcoholic. So now I get to introduce the speaker. Here's Leslie. It's a great honor. This is like homecoming for us. Leslie and I both got sober here. We met at the 545 meeting in that room over there, and it used to be a smoking room. And I'll give you a little bit of a hint. I have a little more time than my wife. And when she first came into the rooms, she will probably tell you this, but she stood up on a chair over there and said, I need help. And I remember looking at the guy I was with and said, hmm, she might be a fun date. And a little over a year later, we started dating, and we went to our first dance here, which was the Valentine's Day dance. And if you've never danced sober, you've never danced. Because it's really hard. At least it was for me. So anyway, Leslie has a fantastic story. She is an advocate for AA. She sponsors. She wears her emotions on her... She is, you know, just... I don't know how to describe it. I'm very fortunate to have met somebody in recovery that's very spiritually centered, that does a lot of work for AA, and as a result, our marriage works very well. And it's been a hell of a ride. And I hope it continues for another so many years. So with that, I give you Leslie D. Don't cry, honey. Okay, honey. Is everyone all right? Oh. She gave me a chair to stand on. Hey, everybody. I'm Leslie, and I am an alcoholic. And I see a lot of faces that I know here. And I see a lot of faces that are not here at this moment. And a lot of y'all understand that. Right at this moment, I see Hoyt Allison. I see Cindy Tracy. I see Miss Mary. Then my first thought has been over there, Santa Claus. My first couple of years sober, Frank and I did the children's birthday party, which they still do here, right? Every Christmas, if you... need somewhere to go on Christmas, come here, bring your kids. They have games and Santa Claus. And they have presents and arts and crafts. And there's a whole... Downstairs, there's a whole kitchen. They still have dinner on Wednesday nights. Thursday nights. Speaking of faces, I see my dad sitting right over there. That's a funny story because Terry talked about how we met here. Terry told his sponsor that he... met a girl that he would like to ask out. And his sponsor said, That's good, Terry. How much time does she have? And Terry said, I think she's got about six months. And his sponsor said, Good. Let her get sober. Wait till she gets her year. And a few days after I got my year tip, a girl, Dina, showed up here at NAVA. And she had a broken arm. And it was... The cast was cracked. And her arm was so swollen that it was coming out through the cast. And a whole bunch of us... Loaded up. The boys in one car and the girls in the other car. And we took off for Grady Hospital. And I'll never forget Michelle. I should have told her I was going to be here. But I don't like to tell people. And by the way, thank you so much to the friends from Beaufort. I've wanted a group of girls to go with me places for so long. And here you are. Thank you. You know, here's my posse that I've been looking for. Thank you. But we all loaded in the car. And Dina, she said she was hungry. So we all thought we're going to pull over on the way down. And we pulled over to, I think it was McDonald's. And she said, no, no, no, I want Burger King from the back seat. And Michelle and I laughed to this day. Because, you know, I was like, what, what, what? And I was thinking, she's... But I pulled over. And here we had this whole caravan. So I went across the street. And I got her just what she wanted. And Michelle and I had lunch. And we laughed for years. Because I said, I should have said, excuse me, you know, you're getting McDonald's. You know, you're not in a position right this moment to make demands on people. But that's kind of my story is that I'm bad about saying yes. And Mugsy, where's your no pin? Mugsy has a pin that she pushes the button and it says no in about 50 different ways. And we love it. It's hard for me to say no. And even to newcomers. Sometimes you've got to be tough on newcomers. And I'm not good at that. Thank God. And my husband is. And he will point out to me sometimes that I might be being a little bit too easy on people. But my dad, when Terry and I were dating, would meet Terry in the parking lot out there. And they would go play golf. But my father went to Petri Hospital in 1975. And he got sober. He worked for Delta Airlines for 42 years. And he would go every now and then if somebody big, some big speaker was in the Atlanta area. You know, somebody would call and tell him, what's the guy from down in Tybee or Hilton Head, you know, is going to speak or whatever. He would drive out to a Petri Hospital and go here. But he didn't go to meetings. You know, he did work his steps. I did get a 10th step from him, an amends. But he didn't, he didn't, I'd say, he'd say to me when I'd come home from work, I ain't go to so many meetings. Sit around and listen to all those people moan. About all their problems. You just need to just stay sober. And I'd be like, how do you stay sober without meetings? So Terry would have my dad meet him here to play golf. And then when we'd finish playing golf, a lot of times we'd go eat dinner or something and bring him back to his car. Well, then it got to where we'd have him meet us here on Thursday nights. And we'd say, why don't you go in and have dinner with us? And we'd go downstairs and have dinner. And then my dad said, I think I'll go up with you. And then my dad started sharing in the meetings. And I used to be a little bit embarrassed because he didn't do the AA speak. You know, he would say, yeah, I was there in Peachesburg Hospital and dropped my cigarettes down on the floor. And I got down on my knees and I said, well, guess as long as I'm down here. I said, Lord, did you get me out of it this time? I swear I'll never do it again. And that was his first step. And I used to laugh. Terry would say, don't light a match near him because we'll all go up in smoke. But over time, he started going into meetings. In fact, he came to a lot of meetings with us and ended up living with us at our house. He fell and broke his hip and came and lived with us over in Decatur and then moved with us when we went up to Flowery Branch. AA has given me many blessings. In fact, a lot of them are sitting in these chairs right here because I've a lot of times told Terry, I miss NABBA. I miss NABBA. I miss all my friends down there. And tonight I realized I have friends at Serenity House too. So I'm kind of being a little emotional, but this is a really important place to me. The first time I came to NABBA was 1981. I went through Peachesburg Hospital with Hoyt Allison. Some of y'all may remember Hoyt. If I had stayed sober, I'd be an old-timer. As it is, I got sober January 8, 1998. So what is that? What, 16, 17 years it took me. But I was a baby when I went to Peachesburg Hospital. And that father that I told you about was a bad alcoholic. And what happened was... At one point, I started running, you know. Shoes would start flying. People would start punching each other and screaming and cussing and a lot of insanity. So I was out the door. I also thought of Miss Samra today because I cleaned out my refrigerator today. I would go over to the neighbor's house, the Samra's. And I loved Mrs. Samra because she was very strict. And every Wednesday, she cleaned out her refrigerator. Every time I cleaned out. I would go over to my refrigerator, I'd think about Theola. And, you know, she would do things like... She was a nurse. And if you had bad posture, Theola, lean up against the wall. And you'd have to go... Everybody stand up against the wall. Work on their posture. And I loved that. And of course, I'd lean forward and go, Babe! Babe! Leslie Constance Holt! And I'd have to run home, tail tucked. Because, you know, I was the little wandering fraggle over there. But... So I started running. And about when I was 16, my father got sober. I didn't even know my father was sober. I wrapped my first car around the tree going about 50 miles an hour when I was 16. In the brand new little Pinto that my father had bought me when I was 15. I had it about a week after I turned 16. What? I turned 16 July 16th. No, a little longer than that. September 1st, Labor Day. I snuck. Went up to Roswell, Georgia with a couple of girls. Did something I wasn't supposed to do. And... Coming back, we stopped at the river and this and that and the other. And somebody said something from the back seat. And those cars had rack and pinion steering. And I went like that to see what somebody was handing up. And when I looked back, and this is the beginning of my finding God in my alcoholism. Because I knew God as a child a lot. I loved God. I loved God as a little girl. I was in the church every time the door opened. Because I got away, you know, Mrs. Landrum, my friendly school teacher. I was there all the time. And when I turned back and looked forward, there was a white light shining in my face. And I just remember gripping that steering wheel and saying, dear God, help us. Boom. We hit. And I came to with paramedics. And screaming at people. What are you looking at? Just a mess. And that was out on Floyd Road in Austell. And I was not supposed to have left Haightville, Georgia. And it was late at night. And I had left early that morning. So that tells you the kind of kid I was. Right? I often think my mother was my age. She had me when she was 40. So my mother was my age when I did that. I know she probably would have liked to have put a pillow over my head. And just go away, child. Because I was hell on wheels. But that began a journey that took, as I said, 17 years. For me to finally figure out that I cannot control and enjoy my drinking. As someone once said, when I'm controlling it, I'm not enjoying it. And when I'm enjoying it, I'm not in control. It's whoo. I've been pepper sprayed. I've been hog tied. I've been arrested for DUI several times. Had a lot of fun, too. Don't get me wrong. I mean, we all know that. My dad, I used to call him like the time I called him from Arkansas. And met some dude on the airplane. Next thing you know, I'm sitting in a hotel room with a drug cartel from Central America. Right. What are you at the hell, Leslie? What? Daddy, I was just having fun. We should just tattoo the word fun across your forehead. And I really didn't even know he was sober. Which is what's funny. Because when I was 21, I'm standing in the hallway screaming at him. It's all your fault. It's your fault. I hate you. And all of a sudden, I just remember like, he was sober. I was drunk. And I went in my bedroom and tore it to shreds. And I did like that mountain in that movie E.T. I just destroyed the house and threw things against the wall. And I called Peachburn. I told the lady. I said, my daddy came there five years ago. I need you. I need help. And I went in. I said, Daddy, she wants to talk to you. And he goes, no. It's the first time in many. He used to always say to me, you're not an alcoholic. There's just some people who shouldn't drink and you're one of them. Because he didn't see me do what he did. And this is the thing that I would do is I would compare my insides to your outsides. Or I'd compare. You'd say, you wrote a bad check. And I'd say, well, I never did that. You'd say that you'd been married four times. Well, I never did that. I've never been married. Never did that. You know, vehicular homicide. I never did that. Yet. Came very close but didn't do it. Denial. Don't even notice it's a lie. Denial. So I went through Peachford and I stayed sober a little over a year. And then, you know, we had a relapse. And then came back and bounced in and out. Got nine months. Went out. Came back. Six months. Went out. Came back. And then did a major geographic and moved to California. And pretty much stayed sober out there. I got a good job. I started going to college. And, you know, it's kind of really, really trying to hold it together because I knew now, once you know, like I knew. I had the beast. I knew that there was something inside of me that when she took over that really bad stuff happened. So I had learned how to kind of like just, I don't know, I guess I was kind of just living my life at that point. Because I was going to school, I was just busy. You know? But I didn't ever find any AA out there. But I was living on a big boat and taking people out in San Francisco Bay for cruises. And it was good. It was a good life for a while. And then I moved to Southern California and did the same thing kind of there for a while. But then I broke up with some guy. And there's other stuff between there, but there's not time. And I broke up with some guy and I thought it was the end of the world. He was like my dream man. And I went and told a friend. We stopped at a little bar near my house. And I told a friend what had happened. And I said, will you come get me? I'm going to get drunk tonight and you'll drive. Well, unbeknownst to me, there was some police officers in that little bar near the campus, the college campus. And they were trying to catch them for selling alcohol to minors. And when I stood up, I stumbled on my pants leg. And they saw that and they followed me to my apartment in an unmarked police car. You know, like Cindy Tracy used to say, I did some crazy stuff. And some of it I'd really like to do again. They come flying in, this beautiful little gold Cadillac. Big black dude jumps out with a gun. And then this little girl jumps out. She said, stand where you are. I was like, what did I do? What did I do? And they're like, stay where you are. We've called the black and white. Do not move. We are arresting you under suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol. And I went, dude, I'm home. I was in my parking space. They had one of those gates. They flew in before my gate shut them out. I'm like, I'm home. My door is locked. I swear to goodness, I only had two. Right. OK. Next thing you know, as gone is gone. As God would have it, I lived on the border between West Los Angeles and Santa Monica. And a stolen car chase had ended up in front of my house. And it was the anniversary of the day that Rodney King had been beaten. It was March 3, 1992. So all the cops were really hyped up, looking for, you know. And here comes not only Santa Monica PD, but West Los Angeles PD. Like 50 of them. And I'm standing there in front of my little beat up little old BMW that made it all the way out there from Georgia in my beautiful little apartment complex thinking I'm home safe, you know. Did it again. Successful, you know, again. I'm going to go get drunk. And all of a sudden, there's like 50 cops in my parking structure. Well, if you do relapse, let me point something out to you very quickly here. Do not ever do this to a police officer. Anybody know why? It's an act of aggression. Because if you go like this, you can easily go like that. All right? So when I went, he said, tougher, she's trouble. And when I went, I'm not trouble. So bam! Like four of them slammed me on the hood of my car, hog tied me, and carried me like a sack of old potatoes to the police car. And opened the back door and threw me in like a sack of potatoes. And their seats are plastic. And I just remember my face hitting that seat and thinking, oh, I wonder how many people I've beat on this face. No! And then I, and all the way to the car screaming, God! I'm a screamer. You know, that goes way back to when I was little. You know, just scream, scream. And maybe if you scream big enough, it'll go away. That's what I always thought. So anyway, that began my three years of sobriety. I went to 26th and Broadway in Santa Monica. And I got very active. I got a wonderful attorney out there who took me to court. And he said if I admitted to the DUI, they would drop the assault because they said I kicked one of them. When they, I guess I, you know, it's kind of hard not to when they're slamming you on the hood of a car. I don't know what happened. But so I admitted that. I got 686 hours of community service. And I had to go to 86 AA meetings. And I was within walking distance of one of, I think, one of the best AA clubhouses in the world. 26th and Broadway in Santa Monica, California. And I still consider it to some level my home group. And I became the secretary of a group. And I had a lot of friends. Some of them are still my friends on Facebook. And I just had a ball. And just before I turned three, I came to Atlanta for practice. I came to Atlanta for Christmas, which I always did. I'd come here for Christmas and have fun. But then when I left here, I went back to California. And I had a job in Northern California. So I didn't unpack and go to 26th and Broadway. I unpacked and went to San Francisco where I used to live. Because now I was in Southern California. And I had this big job where I was doing the gift mart in San Francisco. Working with a girl that we were like oil and water and 12-hour days. And just, it was long. And it was hard. A hard two-week job up there. And I was almost on the airplane to go back to 26th and Broadway and get back to my people. You all know what I mean. And an old friend called. Said, I heard you're in town. Let's go have dinner. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You know that one where you're thinking, no, no, no, no, no, no. And this little dude. Those two little dudes up there. This little dude's going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. It'll be different this time. It'll be different. It'll be different. And you're thinking, run. Run, run, run, run, run. And I said, no, I don't have any way there. Get a taxi. I'll pay for the taxi. Sure enough, I ended up meeting up with this old friend. And dinner time, I told my friend, I don't drink anymore. I'm sober and AA. And this buddy said, you're not an alcoholic. Dude over here said, see. If anybody knows you're an alcoholic, see him. Just like your daddy said, you're not an alcoholic. If anybody knows you're an alcoholic. And then we finished dinner. And we went. He had bought a nightclub over there. And where Susie Orman lives now. Over in Mill Valley. So we went over to Mill Valley. And a beautiful jazz club. And we walked in. And you know the old tinkling of the glasses. And I went to the bathroom. And I prayed. But it was already done. It was too late. There was no way God could have intervened at that point. I asked him to. But I had already laid the groundwork. I had no business being there. I should have gone to bed that night. I think my plane was leaving the next day, maybe. Maybe two days. And I came out of that bathroom. And my buddy said, what do you have? And I said, I'll have a glass of white wine. Little dude over here said, you never had a problem with white wine. You'll be okay with white wine. You're not going to let that happen. You won't get another DR. That was just, you were in the wrong place. You know that guy? And I remember taking a sip of that glass of white wine. And it was like the most beautiful candle ever lit. It had just been blown out. It was horrible. Because I knew that I had opened up that trap door. Because they told me around here that if you've hit a bottom, let it be your last. Do not forget it. Because if you forget it, you're doomed to repeat it. And every bottom has a trap door. So if you take that next drink, drug, pill, or fix, you have opened the door. Or as Annie T. always says, you know, that 500 pound gorilla, he's out. He's been in that cage smoking a cigarette, watching you. Here comes that . It's going to be done until he is done. He is driving the boat now. He. Not you. It's game on. And it took three years. That was January 16th. I'm sorry. March 3rd, 1992 is my sobriety date. January. Oh, good. I'm forgetting it. That's a good sign because it usually pops to my head. January 16th, I think, 1995. January 5th, 1995. I'm glad I don't remember it. It was a bad day. But then I didn't hit my bottom until January 8th of 1998. So it took me that long. And only by the grace of God and the 12 steps and knowing that y'all are here. Cindy Tracy used to say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Just don't move the bucket. Because the horse will remember where the bucket is. So on January 8th, 1998, my best thinking was to kill myself. And I came to an ICU. I had a job with the Atlanta Braves. Everything was pretty good. And, you know, I went home. Me and that dad got in one of those big arguments. I threw a big tizzy fit. Went in my room and took a bunch of pills with a hidden beer. You know, I used to say I never hid alcohol. I remember when I found that beer on that bookshelf thinking, hmm, you never hid beer, did you? I wonder what that's doing there behind that book. Let me see. There it was. Hidden. And I was very clearly in the progressive stages of alcoholism at that point. And by the grace of God, I picked up the phone and called someone and told her what I had just done. I don't remember anything until I woke up in ICU and my father had called me and said, there's a lady coming from Ridgeview and you better be very careful what you say to her because they can put you away for a long time. And I had to be at work on Friday. This was like Wednesday. I'm like, oh, God, what have I done? Now, mind you, I woke up when they were pumping my stomach and everything, too, with the guy in the ER looking at me. And I remember thinking, why is he looking at me like that? And when I turned a year sober, it hit me. His whole life was about trying to save people who had been killed by drunken drivers. And here's a drunk who had the world by the tail. Good job, decent looks, family who loved her, car, home. And I had the audacity to try. I had the audacity to try and end my own life as if I had any control over that. You know, like thumbing my nose at God himself. But I remember a lady from, it was actually Georgia Regional. She walked in my room and she looked over across the room at me and she said, what are you doing here? And I looked at her and I said, I used to be sober in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And right this moment, I'm completely and totally separate from God. And I need to get back to AA. And I remember her looking at me. She started writing. And I just put my head back. And I heard her rip a piece of paper off. And she walked over and handed it to me. And said, I don't want to see you here again. And she turned around and walked out. And I looked down and it was the name of 3AA Clubhouse. It was the address and the phone number. I just leaned back and thought, thank you, God. That was my first step. I admitted I was powerless over alcohol. And my life was so unmanageable. I was so unmanageable. I didn't know if I wanted to be in Georgia or California or San Francisco. I didn't know if I wanted to live or if I wanted to die. I didn't know if I wanted to be an actor or if I wanted to be Scooby Doo. This was during my Scooby days. Some of y'all remember that. I used to run around in a Scooby suit at Turner Field, which was tons of fun. That is when I hit my bottom. People would come up and hug Scooby and say, alright. I love you, Scooby. And I'd be inside the suit saying, I love you too, man. God only they had no idea there was a little old lady in there hugging them from a Scooby suit, you know. And so I slept, got in my car, and drove. Actually, I went to work. I think that was that Wednesday. And I got off work at Turner Field. And my little car already had a beeline. It was a Scooby Doo from my house to a little bar over there called Dottie's. And my car turned out of Turner Field and went . And I backed in. And I was sitting there. And there was the door. And it was like 5 o'clock in the afternoon, right? There's the door. Nobody else hardly in the parking lot. Hadn't even started. That's when I like, you know. I didn't care if anybody was there or not. And I remember sitting there in that little car. And I walked in from here to there and back again. And I knew if I walked in that door, that was it. I was at that jumping off place they talk about in the big book. That I was either going to go to the bitter end, seeking jails, institutions, and death. Or I was going to get my happy little butt out of there quick. But I had not taken my foot off the clutch. And my other foot was still on the gas pedal. And it turned the ignition off. And my hand was still on the key. And I sat there. This hand was gripping that. I thought I was going to break that steering wheel. And all of a sudden, I remembered that third step prayer. And this is how I found God. All of a sudden, I just started saying, The ways I knew was all Jesus' victory. I would definitely bear witness to that. I was like, You are lovely. Amen, God. And all of a sudden, this hand went. La, la, la, la. And that foot went off that clutch. And this foot went down on that gas pedal. And it's right there where you hit 85. And I hit 85. And I hit NABBA as fast as that little, red, old, beat-up BMW would take me. And that's when Terry Dunn met me. I parked that car. The tires were smoking. And I knew NABBA. I had known NABBA since 1981. I took it. I've been here quite a few times. And I had known a lot of people here. And I'd had my feelings hurt here. And I'd been chased off because the girls didn't like me. And I'd been chased off because guys wouldn't bother me alone. And, you know, all the reasons that you come up with to go see you and wouldn't want to be you. It says right here, if you think you can control and enjoy it, step over to the nearest bar room and try some cold drinking. Our hat will be off to you. Y'all watch me. Your hat is going to be off to me. Because I'm not going to eat. Well, this time I came in here and nothing was going to take me out of these rooms this time. Nothing. Nobody. No how. No way. I was going to do everything anybody had ever suggested to me since I was 21 years old. And I walked in and I went in that smoking room and I stood on that orange chair and I said, I mean, I just got out of South Fulton Hospital and tried to kill myself, y'all. And I know now I'm an alcoholic. I know it now. I need y'all really bad. And then I sat down and everybody went, oh, God. And I shut up. And ain't nobody going to make me leave. I've had my feelings hurt. I've had boys hit on me. I've had girls be mean to me. I've lost clothes. I've lost jewelry. I've had my house set on fire. Oh, look. You remember one time I brought some guy home. We all stayed up here because Cindy Tracy was my sponsor. And I'd come up to her. I'd come up to her. She said, honey, why don't you go outside and pick up some cigarette butts. I'm going to finish talking to Miss Ann. Give me about 15 minutes and we'll talk. I'd go out there and I'd be picking up cigarette butts. Things they don't tell us anymore. You know, if you're a newcomer and the coffee pot is empty, it's your job to make another pot of coffee. They don't tell us these things anymore. You're supposed to clean up the garbage. If you see a newcomer come in, you're supposed to walk over and welcome them. You know, bring them a half a cup because a lot of times they can't hold a whole cup. So you don't want them swinging it on themselves. These are things that they used to tell us when we were newcomers. Everybody's got to be careful about people's feelings now. You know, we don't want to hurt their feelings. But pick up cigarette butts. Clean your clubhouse. Pick up that 10,000 pound telephone. Read the 12 and 12. Read the big book. Open your book to page 86 in the morning where it tells you what to do each day and what it tells you what to do each night. Be of service to God. Be of service to God and to your fellows. There's a circle and a triangle. It's unity, service, and recovery. I did a lot of service. I brought a guy. Me and a couple people stayed here late one night. It was about 4 o'clock in the morning. We were living over there. I told him, well, y'all can spend the night because we were up all night cleaning here. You can spend the night at the house. So we brought this guy. Long story short, you know, the next morning, Terry, he comes knocking on the door. Can you take me back to Naverman? Terry, I hear Terry across the hall. I was like, who is it? He said, come here. He said, that guy made a bomb threat yesterday at the Triangle Club. The GBI is looking for him. He's in our living room. Just a newcomer. Needed a little help, you know. Be in a service, Terry. He's like, you've got to be careful. One of these days you're going to get yourself killed. You know, I thought because I had another girl with me, I was safe. So that's another thing that they don't talk about so much. If you go on a 12-step call, you're supposed to go in pairs. They say travel in pairs. But, you know, a lot of that old tiny stuff is kind of forgotten. And people sort of do this and that and kind of venture on their own. So, you know, I a lot of times would forget to talk to my sponsor or my husband before I would do things. And then I'd go, oh, sorry. I didn't know how that jewelry was over there. I don't know where it went. But, you know, just be careful. Just be careful. Every lesson I've learned here, though, I wouldn't give it up for anything. I love that memory. I remember that guy taking off his shoes. And I said, dude, put them outside. And I hope they're still there in the morning because they're probably going to walk themselves to the garbage can. But, you know, that was probably the first time that boy had a decent shower and a good towel in God only knows how long. I'll tell you another funny story. There was this little man when I was doing service work that used to come. Now, this was at 26th and Broadway. Little man. He'd come in, white hair, twinkly blue eyes. He was a mess. And I used to be a barber. So I told him, I said, come with me. Took him to my house. Put him in the shower. Had him take all his clothes off. Ran him out to the washing machine. Threw the dryer. Cut his hair. Gave him a shave. Right? All of a sudden, all these beautiful little starlet girls. This Frank, I think was his name. Everybody. Oh! They started calling him Grandpa. Everybody just fell in love with him. Years after I came back here. I'm sitting watching The Price is Right. Remember that, Terry? I'm like, miracles happen here. This is a place where a bunch of goofballs get another chance. Okay, so that's one, two, three. Four. This is a place where you do a written, stewardless, moral inventory. Which isn't always easy. You know, I was in my thirties. I had a lot of wreckage. So what you do is you do a list. Just exactly like it is in the big book. There's no way to do it wrong. Right? The resentful act. You do a list of people and leave some space between them. And do it on a piece of paper that's like this. So you got this page in that page. Then flip it. The resentful act. The cause. it affected me then you got a whole nother page over here about what was my part in it that's where it gets kind of tricky right and I remember we went up to uh Colorama and me and Cindy did it and she told me then and it's I brought every old journal I brought all kind of stuff that from my past everything I could find because that first time I had gotten sober and one of the reasons I think that I relapsed other than the fact that I just wasn't finished with my lady back then and by the way I ran into her son years later out there when I brought her my four-step when I lived down in hateful when I was a young girl it was like a it was like a book it was like long story it was like a story and I remember saying no no no no that's wrong and I had worked very hard on that and so you know I felt like small yeah he's still small so anyway but I brought that I brought everything I had yeah you keep all those old books but I was tired of carrying them around so we went through everything and Cindy told me she had never seen one of the white squirrels out there at Colorama and we took all day because she played golf or something and we went outside on that back porch yeah everybody he plays a lot of golf we went out on the back porch of that little place up there at Colorama and Highlands North Carolina and we walked out on the back porch and there was a big tree out there over a creek big limb that stuck straight out like that and what was laying out there on that limb laying on his back with his little white belly up to the sun and Cindy and I that was another one of those eureka moments where we just both kind of looked at each other and went oh you know because there he was there was that God moment you don't get God moments anywhere that I ever went to other than right here you get a lot of God moments here so that was my original four-step I've done another one with Sid my sponsor now probably should do another one now that I have some new folks in my life they might be a good idea for us to kind of go through them together we do a big book study up at Serenity House Tuesday nights at 630 anybody that wants to come we kind of do it like Joe and Charlie I did my fifth with Cindy and several others since then your sixth step you take go home and take it off the shelf sit for an hour and read through it and ask yourself have you missed anything right seven step you uh you know become willing that's another prayer that I committed to my memory whenever I'm in a bad place it just rolls off my tongue whenever I am cognizant enough like oh yeah say the third step for the seventh step prayer it just goes away once I say those prayers you know my Creator I'm not willing you should have all of me good and bad I ask that you now remove from me every single defective character which stands in the way of my being useful to you and to my fellows please watch over me as I go out to do your bidding thank you love Leslie amen and I'm not Catholic he is and the Samaras were so I'm all I've always wanted to be Catholic I even wanted to be a nun a long time ago has anybody here ever heard Sister B anybody here served Sister B story y'all have to hear that try to Google Sister B she was a nun that got sober it's one of the funniest stories all the way home I was fucking sure and I took off me little nummy habit and I went to the meeting and there sat at the front of the room this motorcycle rider who was telling me about God how can he be telling me about God I'm married to God I've got the ring to prove it Sister B Google it so anyway um and then you write a list of people that you've harmed and it's funny because even if they're not on the list a lot of them will show up like the police officers that pepper sprayed me on June 6th shortly before my mother died of breast cancer um I was at a Wendy's one afternoon and all of a sudden like 10 cops came in and sat down and I thought you know what I'm going to go over and make an amends to them because I remember screaming at them pretty good too you know calling them a lot of names and everything and I went over and I told them I said I don't know if any of y'all were there that night or not but I just want to let you know that I'm sober now and uh you know I'm really ashamed of the way that I behaved that night because I was completely out of line but it wasn't me it was another girl it was an alcoholic named Leslie and I'm sober today you know and sometimes people need to be treated that way in order to find out that they've got a serious problem um because I had always been able to do that you know a little not when I'm drunk so you make your amends and then 10 continue to make amends you know personal amends wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others or whatever is that right and and and that is like at work it comes in really big at work because I'm you know on sales and stuff and a lot of times the little dude over here that's not fair it's your turn that's your guest you're up he jumped in front of you hey that's your customer she was in here the other day you want to go over and crash that sale you know like no just let it go trust God clean house take the next indicated action you know like like that was the way in early sobriety it was like I had to just like literally what's the next indicated action put my hands on the podium breathe sometimes it was like somebody used to tell me sometimes it's just one eyelash at a time when you're in early sobriety you know it's what is it they say it's easy does it not does it easy right so I had to just And for years, I've just learned how to trust God, clean house, and take the next indicated action. And then that 11th step. Oh, I just did that one, didn't I? No. Wait a minute. We're going to have to get taught through prayer and meditation. And y'all know, you heard me say that. I do the prayers all the time. When I'm driving. When I'm just all the time. They just pop in my head. And they bring me calm. Because I'm not a very calm person, as you can tell. And then having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. So you have the spiritual awakening as the result of working the steps. We tried to carry this message to other alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. It doesn't say we practiced these principles in all our affairs and we got everybody we came into contact with sober. Now, we know a few that haven't made it. We know a few that haven't made it. They used to say, here's another one they used to say. When you get sober, get one really pretty dress to wear to weddings and parties. And get one black one. If you're here right this moment, you are a winner. You don't ever have to drink again. Never. All you have to do is learn how to sit. Through it, sometimes. I can remember many a day sitting on my daddy's front porch. Rocking and crying and rocking and crying. I knew one thing I didn't want to do. I didn't want to die. That had already been pointed out to me that I had come very, very close to that. I didn't want to feel the way I was feeling. But at some level, I knew it was good. I knew it was good. I knew that pain was the time. I knew that I had touched on the spiritual growth. So I was like, okay, we can do this. We can do this. We can do this. We can do this. And my mom was there with me. My Aunt Doris was there with me. All the people that loved me were rocking with me when I was there. They were right there. They were holding me. They were saying, you can do this. And then the phone would ring. And somebody would say, let's go to a meeting. Oh, and I got this great idea in early sobriety to plant flowers. Carrie, come over. We're going to have many a time. And help me dig holes. He used to call me his play in the dirt again, girl. You know, just take the next indicated action. Get up and go to a meeting. Pick up the 10,000 pound telephone. Write. Dear God, I am resentful at what? Why? I humbly ask you to remove from me these feelings of anger and resentment and pity and self-pity. And humbly ask you to do so. Thank you, love, Leslie. Take up the phone. Call your sponsor. Hey, Cindy, can I read something to you? Nine times out of ten, you end up laughing over it. The same thing that was renting all that space in your head ten minutes before is all of a sudden a gut belly laugh. Like, gone. So anyway, I love you guys. I'm very, very grateful to Alcoholics Not Us. I'm extremely grateful to God that he allowed me to breathe another breath that night when I tried. It's so hard to spit in his face. He said, nah, I'm not through with you. Not quite your time yet, little missy. You're going to go on back there and you're going to share some experience, strength, and hope with those people and let them know that I care. Because they told me that that is the disease of alcoholism, that we're hopeless. Right? And what do we get? What am I doing right now? I'm giving you hope. Here. Other people's experience. Hope. For help. Ask Saving Kit for help. His ever-loving presence. Take this guy when he's over here going, me, me, me, me, me, me. Thank you for sharing. Now go to your room. Knock him off. Say, okay, let's go to me. Let's plant a flower. Let's call somebody. It's that easy. But it's really not, is it? Just hang in there. Hang in there. Grab ahold of your buddy. They call it Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Because one day you're like, wee! Next thing you know, ah! It's actually a lot of fun. It's a lot more fun than being drunk. So thank you all for letting me share. I love you. Thank you ladies for coming. And thank you, Tim, for inviting me to share my story. My name is Mark and I'm an alcoholic. Thank you, Leslie. I really enjoyed your story. Honesty. I came in here in 98. I watched you get sober. And I'm proud that I wasn't ready yet. But I saw your honesty and it really inspired me to stick around.