Recovery, Spirituality, & Meditation – Mark H.

Mark Houston. Evening, everybody. I'm Mark Houston, and I'm an alcoholic. Yeah, I wasn't going to get up unless he made a bench, y'all, and cleaned his shit up. Isn't that great? I love it. I was separated from alcohol and cocaine the morning of October 19th of 1982, and I am very, very grateful for that. A couple things, then I want to read a meditation from one of my favorite meditation books called 365 Tao. I've really had an amazingly relaxing, energizing time since I've been down here And over the years, when I feel led to come and be a part of something like this, that is not always my experience. So it has been great, just great. I want to thank each and every one of you who contributed to that. I do know there's two elements to that, you know, the longer I get sober and the less I operate in fear, The more I demonstrate love, then strange enough, there's never anything between me and you anymore. There's no such thing as separation in fear. So I know that I have a little bit to do with that. And then, you know, the rest of it is what you all have to do without. So Craig and I were talking, and I think I'm going to pretty well make this a yearly trip down here. So that's a good thing. and I'll do my best to bring more and more of my pals down here with me okay this is called compassion it says once you have seen the face of God you will see that same face on everyone that you meet the true God has no face, the true Tao has no name but we cannot not identify with that until we're of a very high level of insight. Until then, the gods with faces and the Tao with names are still more worthy of veneration and study than the illusions of the world. With long and sincere training, it is possible to see the face of God. Holiness is not about scientific objectivity. It is about a deep and clear recognition of the true nature nature of life. Your attitude toward your God will be different than anyone else's God. Divinity is a reflection of your own understanding. If your experience differs from others, that does not invalidate your sense of godliness. You will have no doubts after you have seen. Knowing God is the source of compassion in our lives. We realize that our separation from others is strictly artificial we are neither separate from other people nor from god it is only our own egotism that leads us to define ourselves as individuals in fact a direct experience of god is a direct appearance of the utter universality of life if we allow it to change our way of thinking we will understand our essential oneness with all things how does god look once you see god you will see that same face on every person you meet came to the rooms of alcoholics anonymous and first and foremost uh became a part of the fellowship and then i met a man and and the man took me into the big book of alcoholic synonymous and said there's a set of precise, specific, clear-cut instructions. And if you're willing to work these with me, you'll have a revolutionary experience and you will see the face of God. And I thought he was smoking reefer when he said that to me. But you know what? That has exactly been my truth. That big book is amazing. Over the years, some of you might relate to this. I was really driven down what I call the path of knowledge for periods of time trying to understand what had happened to me, understand God, if you will. And by the way, I didn't choose that either. I got sent down to Kerrville, Texas in 1991, small little community down there, and I started a group down there called the Carry the Message Group and started sponsoring a bunch of men. And I had to look for my teachers sometimes and tapes and books and all kinds of stuff. And so along the way, I wound up studying for three years with a Native American medicine man doing the sweats and, you know, walking the red road for a while. That was an interesting experience because Texas has got a lot of Baptists in it, and I had one next door to me. And in the back of my yard, I took a bunch of stones and I made a circle on the red row. and I would sit out there and meditate, and I found out later he thought I was a pagan worshiper. It was an interesting experience. But I did a bunch of sweat lodges, and it was a good experience for me in so many ways. I lost my connection to Mother Earth and that sense of nature and that senselessness and sense of oneness. And then as a result of not doing anything with meditation in my first 10 years, my mind drove me insane between my ninth and tenth year of sobriety. That's the truth. And so I really became a student of meditation. You know, of course it's mentioned in the big book. It's very clear that we're supposed to do that every morning. Matter of fact, take a Concordia sometime, look up the word meditation and see how often it's mention in terms of spiritual practices. By the way, I want to to make this statement. You go to the ocean with a thimble, you get a thimblet full of water. How much of God do you want? And it's up to you. And nobody else. If you want to take a dump truck, you can get a dump truck full of God. There's this idea God gives us free will. You look at the line, the steps in the big book. And within the framework of free There's free will, there's self-will, and God's will. Probably, right? If you look at what the steps do in steps four through nine, they wind up taking my self-well and aligning it with God's well. And by the time I get to the tenth step, the tenth steps is about line of the will. Then I wonder why my life has changed. I don't think God's Will is very complex. I think, what, Buddhism? There's the Eight Noble Truths. Ten Commandments. I don't think it's real complex stuff, you know. Be nice You know Law of cause and effect. If you steal somebody will steal from you You know, it's be honest Oh, I wonder what God's will is Pay your bills on time Don't steal from people Don't say unkind things I mean, you knows It's not – you don't have to go sit and levitate trying to figure that out. You just really don't. I think it's in front of you. So back to some of my journey again, I really began to become – and study a lot about meditation and self-realization fellowship. Some of you may know something about that. They have a lot of meditation techniques. Teacher Paramahansa Yogananda. I particularly begin to look at some of the stuff in Buddhism since they've been doing the most meditation, the longest, like 2,000 plus years, et cetera. I discovered as I traveled around, particularly to Christian monasteries and those kinds of things, that they were a little light in the area of meditation. And since my mind had driven me wacko, I wanted to make sure that didn't happen again. So I gravitated and moved toward that and I began a daily meditation life in 1991, which I still have up to today. And if you said to me, of everything you've done since you were born or since you came into the rooms of AA. What is the single thing that you have ever done that had the greatest impact on your life? And I will tell you that it is meditation, going into the silence. Because in that experience, which my big book by the way says to do 365 days a year if anyone can show me where I get a few days off, I'd like to see it. I can't find it. I've tried to find it It says do this every day, and in that process, I finally realized who I really was. I realized who i was not, and I lost my identification with my mind. And my mind became like a hand. I have now my mind, and it's incessant chatter of a thousand monkeys. My mind is just like a computer that you leave running with some software. That's all it is. Most of the time I don't pay any attention to it. I'm a lot more interested in the things that begin to happen to me in a level of consciousness I experience through the process of meditation. When I first begin to meditate, I begin to notice things. I begin zu notice I was a lot less afraid. Fear. It's not surprising that fear inventory is between the resentment inventory inventory, and the sex inventory are personal relationships. Every alka I've ever met paralyzed with fear. The fabric of our being is interwoven with fear, we live with it. Anything I can do to reduce that, I need to do it, and of course, you know, I read to me what that fear's about, that's that sense of separation, and as far as I can tell, the work in steps four through nine in the disciplines of 10-11 helped remove this idea from me that then I'm separate from you. Meditation becomes a vehicle that I get to use. They introduced me to some stuff I'll talk about in a little bit in the 10th step. It says I got a new sixth sense. Well, what does that mean? I hope after we've spent a little time together that I have challenged some of you to look at some of these incredible promises and some of this information in this book and start talking about it in meetings. Why aren't we talking about the sixth sense in the tenth step? Why aren'T we talking about in the 10th step it being the line of the will? What does that mean? Why aren' t we talking about being an agent of and for God? Why aren''t we talking about that stuff? Why aren ''t we talking about we have recovered and been given the power to help others? I think it's really powerful, powerful stuff. Juicy stuff, man. Why aren´t we talking about we've entered the world of spirit and from now until the day we die there's a way we can stay in that world of the Spirit and grow an understanding of effectiveness and take it into every area of our life. All of our relationships and our work, everything, every areaof our life where are we talking about that stuff? I don't know. That's a lie. I do know. We talk about what we're doing. I'll say it again. We talk abour what we'er doing. We don't talk about what we are not doing. That's why. You know, I cringe when I go to meetings. Anybody have a topic? I'm going, oh, no. Just where's the, you know, where do they come from? Self-pity or depending on the size of the population, it might be traffic. You know. It's just crazy. But there's such incredible stuff to talk about. I want to go back. In fact, I was talking a little bit earlier to a young lady who talked about a lot of experience with relapse. And I've worked with a lot men and a lot women who have chronic relapse history, and God has used me to help those people. And what I find all in common is they have never understood the first step. Most of them think that alcohol and or drugs, your drug of no choice, whatever that is that you think is your drugofjoice. Um, they think that's the problem. See, if alcohol was my problem, just not drinking would be my solution. You get that? And the big book would be two pages long and say, just don't drink. Unfortunately, alcohol is not my problem. It is a symptom. Big book waits until I get up to the fourth step to present the idea of what is wrong with me. And my problem is I'm brutally selfish. And I think everything is about me. Selfishness self-centered is the root of my troubles. And for whatever reason, if that doesn't leave me, if that does not go away from me, I become so angst and dis-eased operating in the world that I drink to treat that. So the whole issue has never been about alcohol. The whole issue is I think everything is about me. Right? Selfishness. And the book goes on to say, Above everything, Mark, you better get rid of your selfishness or it, your selfishiness, will kill you. That's what I, unbeknownst to me, when I came into the rooms, That's what I was up against. Drinking is a byproduct of that. All you've got to do is look at all the examples I think the book gives you to see the truth of what the book is saying. For example, there's a whole chapter devoted to working with others. As a matter of fact, that chapter goes on to say when all else fails, work with someone else. So let's see. Let me think. What would be the opposite of selfishness? Working with somebody else. Right? Gee, I wonder why that's in there. Well, you know. See, if I'm sitting across working with another alcoholic, I totally lose my connection with me. Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but if you live with me all the time, you would want to lose that connection at times. That's why I sponsor a lot of people. I really need to get away from me for long periods of time. incessant dialogue starts right you know your committee you all by the way are you doing a good job identifying your host of characters you got up this morning your little table with all the different committee members right yeah mr. AA guy miss a a spiritual man spiritual woman and whatever else it is you got a husband probably got a wife right got a businessman got retired Tired businessman, you know. Got the timeshare condominium seller. He's down here. Got a boat captain's down. I mean, you got all kinds of different stage characters down here, right? You know. You got the cooks and the just... But it's all your little host. All those voices. How you doing? How you going? Good. How do we do? You know? Had him get a cup of coffee and it's already got out to 10 o'clock tonight. I tell people there's a reason we shoot ourselves in the head instead of the foot, it's to stop the voices. Somebody's got a chair of the meeting. Probably helps if it be the spiritual man or spiritual woman. So the first step, craving the body, obsession of the mind. Experientially driven, not rocket scientist. Doesn't take a lot to tell if I'm a real alcoholic or a real drug addict. I'm the guy on page 21. When I take a drink, do I lose control? Power and choice over how much? Yes or no? Go back into the drinking. Sober, do i have a mind that takes me back to it? Do I commit the most insane act of my life stone cold sober? Because if you've lost power, choice, control once it's in your body and then you have a pure sobriety and go back to the drinking, go back into it again, that ladies and gentlemen is called insanity. See the relapse ends when I take the drink. Doesn't start then, it ends then. It ends then because I'm going to break out in a phenomenon called craving. My last drink lasts a year and a half. I love it. I hear people sit in their rooms. They talk as though they know what would happen if they took a drink. If I knew what would have when I took a drinking, you'd have another speaker. I don't need to go to the rooms anymore. My problem is when I take a drink, I don' t have a clue what would hap- I'm serious. My last drinks last a year an a half I thought I knew was gonna happen I didn't drink for a year and a half see that's me that's my experience I'm a real alcoholic do I believe that do I believe it no human power can separate me from alcohol and drugs and keep me separated I'm probably like most of you I quit drinking a whole bunch of times quitting was never the issue could I stay quit on my own power no that was my experience so am i what the big book says at the bottom of page 43, once more, Mark at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Mark, is that your experience? Yes. Mark's defense must, M-U-S-T come from a power greater than himself. I became a secret power once I saw the truth of that sentence. I became that then and I still am today. Now some people call it God. I wasn't interested in God.I was interested in the power behind the name you get what I just said I was interested in experiencing the power behind the and I wasn't interested in believing in God most people I know walk into the rooms believing in God let me ask this question how many of you believed in God and drank a lot well it then we come into the room's and we get sober must not have anything to do with believing in God then? What does it have to do with? It has to do with experiencing the power behind the name. I mentioned this to you the other night, the trap of thinking that because you believe in God, you do. It's a great trap of the ego. You tell me you believe in God. Really? Are you living your life as though you do? What do you mean? Well, you're afraid a lot. Yeah, why do you ask? Well, if you believe in God, why would you be afraid a lot? Somebody's lying. What is it? Which voice is it?" See, the two can't fit in the same box. Right? The big book says, men and women of faith have courage. The definition of courage is in the big book. I love it. They trust their God. They trust their God has nothing to do with belief. i trust my god bring it on bring it to me whatever it is nothing touches me but what god wants to touch me nothing no one nothing noone ever bring it on what an incredible way to go through life see See? The guy's about 30 feet tall. I got my little arm around his calf. Got his hand right in my head. See, and I got you, boy. I got your cover. Go out and play in the playground. Boy, I go play. Come to places like this. Come up and stand in front. I don't know what you need. I don' t know what to talk about. I don''t have to worry about it. Because I stand here and he just pats me in the head and says, Okay, boy, Stir them up a little bit Got some old people down there Resting on their ass too long Stir their butts up a lil' bit Haven't written inventory in too long Their goddamn sphincter muscle's getting too tight Loosen them up A lil' bi' See? Have them write some inventory Challenge them about prayer and meditation Have them get off their butt Carry the message Get excited about life again Stir the pot a lil', whatever you say it. Men of faith have courage. They trust their God. That's the kind of God I needed when I came in the rooms. See? That kind of a God. You write that fear inventory, and then right in the middle of that fear imagery, and I love this. This is another sentence, by the way. I think it'd be great if you guys could start talking about it in meetings. But it's It talks about I'm in the world to play the role that God has assigned The extent as I do As I think God would have me And humbly rely on him Does he enable me to match calamity with serenity But it says I'd never apologize for depending upon my creator I laugh at those who think Spirit will share their weakness Paradoxically it's a way of strength Verdict of the ages is faith means courage All men and women of faith have courage and they define it. They trust their God. I never apologize for God. Here's the sentence. Instead, I let God demonstrate through me what God can do. God can stay sober. God can stay sober through me. Can I keep myself sober? No. I drank for 20 years. I did dope for 13 daily lots of it I was a tornado period on my power but God can demonstrate through me staying clean and sober since October the 19th of 1982 through me take a Iowa farm kid travels all over the world talking about God in his steps God can illustrate through me what God can do open the first men's recovery center in the United States of America America. First one ever. God can demonstrate through me what God can do. Powerful stuff, see? That's what this book's about. No, just don't drink, go to meetings. No! No! So much more. So much more. Whatever it is God wants you to do in the world to play the role He has assigned. Maybe it's just to be an incredible husband or a father or a wife or a sister or a friend. I don't know. You do the deal, you'll be shown. Whatever it is. I suspect somewhere in the middle of it though you're probably supposed to be helping other elkies. See, I do a lot of stuff in the 11th step but I never do it instead. God sent me to these rooms and said I'm going to show you a path to have a revolutionary experience and come to know me in ways that you can't even believe. But I got a lot of work for you. Because you got a Lot of fellow sufferers out there and you're the only one that can reach it because of your experience. Quick story on that, some of you maybe you've had this experience but I have periods of time I get into some extreme spiritual intoxication and in one of those moments it occurred to me I should maybe join a monastery and I had been seeking some counsel from a man who ran a monastery monastery he was both a priest and a monk and so I went down to see him one time and we sat down we chatted for a while and he had uh he'd come back to Kerrville Texas where I was living at that time and stayed there for about a week and took me I exposed him some meetings and all those kinds of stuff and now we get done he goes to me uh he said uh Mark we really really appreciate your efforts and your application to the monastery, but you just need to stay right where you are working with your kind. And I said, what do you mean my kind? He said, well, you know, you alcoholics and you drug addicts, he said, we don't do very well with you. But he said that place you go and I've watched you and you do really well with them and that's where God needs you. So thanks for playing at the monastery, but we don't want you there. So that's probably always going to be a part of what I do. I'm going to sit down across from an alcoholic or drug addict trying to help them out with finding their truth in the first step. And I've been doing that for a lot of years, and I'll keep doing it. But I want to talk for a minute again about this deal about God. There's a prayer. I ask him to remove my fear and dread it when he has tension. What do you have us be? I want to talk again briefly about this thing of fear because I think it's so instrumental in why sober we live miserable lives, why we don't reach for abundance, and I know it contributes to a lot of relapse. So outside of the obvious work in here, there's a couple other things about this I want you to mention. One is let me ask this question. well are any of you as you sit here right now in this moment feeling fear any of you some of you are okay let me ask this question of all of you who raised your hands are any of you and any concrete immediate danger right now danger are you any of you? Okay. Then the fear is not real, is it? There's no reality to the fear except what your mind has given it. Now I want you to think about something. From birth to death, most of your life, you could answer this question the way it was just answered. There's absolutely absolutely no reason to have the fear. It is manufactured by your mind, it is psychological in nature, and it is always about the future. Wouldn't it be nice if it would be that easy to get rid of it? Is it that easy? Yes. Yes. If we have the capacity to live more in the the present moment, the less we will experience fear. But you cannot do that if you're identified with its mind and its incessant chatter. And a lot of that chatter always has to do with the future. So very little of our life do we ever get to really be present. Unbeknownst to me, the disciplines of the 10th and 11th step thrust me into the present moment. Now, do I have to practice staying present? Yes. Craig and I were laughing today. day. We know ourselves too well. We have fun with ourselves. And we aren't leaving until tomorrow morning. We got packed today. See, I know him. He was trying to pretend he was really in the moment. He was going to do it in the morning. Then I go, yeah, you betcha. Comes out about one o'clock this afternoon. Yeah, you're right. I'm packed. Right? So see, we realize that it's going to be be there. Right? So we practice, practice, come back. How? Grab this. Breathe. Anything. Come back to here. Be here. Be here with you. Be present to where I am. The only place I can meet God. The Only Reality of My Life. There's no other place to meet God. You don't meet God down here or back here. Now, within this breath, this context is the only place I can come to know God. There is no other place. Oh, okay. because the 10th and 11th step, if you look at what the 10TH and 11TH step really ask you to do, the strict spiritual disciplines of those steps, and they are strict. If you don't believe me, you take them to some man of the cross sometime and say, by the way, I'd like you to read about the 10 th and 11 th step and tell me what you think. Most of them would say if my congregation did that, they'd be close to enlightenment. Why? Because it does. It tells us every morning. do all these prayers, meditate do all this stuff during the day and then at night time do an evening review answer all these questions, do more prayer and more meditation and do that every day till you die and then here's what's funny in AA meetings, heaven forbid you ever mention the word religious, right? we have one of the most religious dogmatic practices there is matter of fact In fact, what most religions ask of their congregation is simple compared to what this asks of me. Right? Make amends, clean it all up, pay all the money back. I'm a sponsored guy one time, right? I'll never forget this. We get through the amends process. And a good pal of mine named Floyd. Floyd, and we get to talking about some monies. And as it turned out, it was probably almost $40,000, and we got to talking bout this, and it was very clear to me and according to the big book that he needed to pay this money back. So I could tell he's getting a little angry. And I said, Floyd, what are you getting angry about? Floyd came to me a believer. believer. As a matter of fact, his church sent him to AA. You know you drank a little bit too much then, but we can't help you, but you're a good deacon. Keep giving us your money. Go to those rooms. So at any rate, we get to this man. Anyhow, he starts to get angry and I said, what are you getting angry about? And he goes, well, he said, the church said I didn't have to pay it back. All I had to do was pray for forgiveness. And I said yeah, and the church sent you to AA to get sober. Big Book says you need to pay it back, you know. So he often jokes about that. AA was the most expensive place he had ever been sent to. And he said it's supposed to be free, right? It wasn't free. He did pay the money back, by the way. Still sober to this day. I want to talk a little bit. I went up to the Fifth Step last night. A couple things I mentioned to some of you is the idea of doing multiple multiple fifth steps in which you take a body of inventory and read it to two, three, four, five people. It's a wonderful idea. It will also really help you get pulled away from your ego. So maybe read to your sponsor, read to a couple of your protégés, those kinds of things. So I know when I get back, probably over a two-week time period, I probably will read inventory five times. I'll read to Craig, two other people I sponsor, and two elders in Austin, Texas. The more people you read to, the less attachment you have to the ego. You get pulled back. By the way, when I read inventory, I follow the instructions of the book. I've got to find somebody who will understand and approve what I'm driving at. I need to find someone who understands that it's life and death. I need I need to read inventory to someone who's a lot more concerned about my life than how they feel about what they say to me see when I'm reading the fifth step I'm fighting for my life I'm up against my ego my ego is going to do everything in the world to justify to minimize to rationalize these These resentments, these fears, these sexual and or personal relationships constantly live in that state of they're more at fault, right? It's like the guy said to me one time, well, in that relationship with that guy, 90% of the time he was at fault. And I said, well, why don't you just claim 100% of your 10 then? Or are you going to go with that one, right ? So those are some of the things that I look for when I'm looking for people to read to. And I have read to women. It gives you a whole great perspective. Read to young, read to old. I've read to men of the cloth. But I find it's a fascinating experience. experience. Normally, every time I get ready to read, I review the instructions from page 70 to 75 so that I stay clear of what I'm about to do. I'm going to face and be rid of that which has me blocked from power I need. I am about to look at the exact nature of my defects as a result of attempting to live my life based on self-will. That's what the whole purpose of this is about. It's not about anything else. It's about I'm trying to win an award for being a neat guy. I, it's that I'm blocked from power. And I need to get rid of that which has me blocked from power. So I read the inventory. And you get done with the inventory and then you have the incredible fifth step promises. Then I wanted to talk a minute. To me there's spiritual virtue in following instructions. When I'm done reading inventory, then I go home and the book says I need you to find a place where I can be quiet for an hour. So I take a timer and I set it for 60 minutes. minutes, and I click it. Now, it says I'm going to carefully review what I have done. So, I like to close my eyes and review in a general way this inventory that I just read. Now, there's a prayer in here. It says I need to thank God from the bottom of my heart that I know God better. Now. I don't know if any of you ever thought about this, but how can i know god better as a result of reading this dismal infantile inventory how does that happen why would i because i got i got this kind of mind it's like oh wait a minute why do i know God better as the result of reading that inventory i'll leave you all to ponder that that? It's a great question, isn't it? Why would I know God better as a result of reading a resentment inventory, a fear inventory, and a sex and or personal relationships inventory? Why? Why? Why would I experience all those incredible fifth step promises? Now some of this I want to throw out to those of you who haven't written in a while or struggle with writing inventory. If you had a clear idea of what could happen on the other side of inventory, you wouldn't bulk it inventory. Kind of like trading in a new car every year or something. I don't know. Great stuff. And it goes on and it says, Taking the book down from the shelf, I turn to the page which contains this 12 steps. I carefully read the first five proposals. I ask if I've omitted anything. So I read each question they sit with. Powerless over alcohol. My life's in management. Boom. Sit with it. Came to believe in a power greater than myself, and you go through it in that fashion. I'm building an arch through which I walk a free man at last. They refer to this construction site stuff with some frequency in here, in particular in the fifth step. It goes on and says, is my work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place? I don't know a lot of times I take people through and we get to this and they've been around the program for a while and this question about the stones I don' t know if you know this but earlier on the big book told me that the second step was the cornerstone and the third step is the keystone and if you don't know that and it asks you that question you'll just go well I don''t know what that means but I got too much pride to ask anyone I'm just going to move right on past how many Many of you have been sober for a while and didn't know what the stones were. Are the stones properly in place? Right? The stones for what? To build a spiritual arch through which you walk a free man and a free woman. The last stone in place is the twelfth step. That's why. To be entirely rid of self, ladies and gentlemen. To walk through that archway. Right? Are the stone properly in space? Have I skipped on the smith foot into the foundation? my first step do I know what's wrong with me have I tried to make mortar without sand all kinds of construction questions on page 75 I thought it was about not drinking they're building houses for God's sakes right timer goes off I finished the hour boom turn to six step how do you know when you're ready for the sixth step. When the timer goes off and you're done with the hour, that's out. Real complex stuff, you know. If I can answer to my satisfaction all those questions, I then look at step six. I've emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Now this next question is the only kind of only an alcoholic drug addict would ask this question. You've looked at all all this material, you've written these inventories, you've read all this. You understand by then selfishness is your problem. It's the reason you drink, do dope, etc., etc. Now here's a question we've got to sit with it. It's kind of like the question you want to die an alcoholic death or live on a spiritual basis? And we go, well, could you elaborate on what dying an alcoholic death means, right? But here's the question. Am I now ready to let God remove from me all the things I've admitted are objections? We've got to sit with that? See, God's funny. Think about this. He took a tribe of people that were so asleep or think we're God, right? So it's like, I can just see him. He's talking to St. Peter and he goes, well, we're going to have to trick them. He said, here's what we'll do. In the second step, first of all, we'll convince them they need power. The second step will let them invent us. It says come up with your own concept, right, Right? They can invent it. Hell, we don't care. It's obvious everything else we put down there don't work with them anyhow. So they'll come up with their own concept, right? They get to invent me. Then in the third step, we're going to let them make a decision to turn their will and life over to that which created their will of life. You get that? I'm going to make a decission to let my mom and dad be my mom and dad. I mean, think about it. The third step. I'm going to make a decision to turn my will and life over to God as I understand God. Well, what created your will and wife? Well, God did. Right? You see? But then here we go. We're back to six. Well, remember who we're dealing with. Even though they've seen all this, we've got to let them think they have a choice. Right? So you have a long list of all these defects of character which lead to you drinking, winding up where you wind up. Am I ready to let God remove these things that I admitted are objections? Oh, this section is even greater. It's a question of faith. Can he now take them all, every one, right? We still cling to something we'll not let go. We ask God to help us be willing. I was asked earlier, the most effective tool I've found for step six is a tool I call the sacraments of penance. Big Book talks about identifying the exact nature of defects. So I have spent time looking for the most effective tools I could find, and that, outside of some of the religious stuff in there, is the best tool I've ever found to identify my defects of character in ways that what it does, it takes the seven deadly sins and really embellishes them. Now, it's a tool of the Catholic Church, but don't ask Catholics because they don't use it. I'm serious. But it's great tool. I've been using it for years. I had my first profound experience using this tool. What I do when I get done reading inventory is it's about seven or eight pages long, and I just go down the list. It starts like pride, putting self in the place of God. Then I pronounce myself guilty or not guilty. Guilty? And it just, oh, God, it's got incredible stuff. Stuff like, under, oh, gossip. It's fabulous. They talk about retailing gossip. I mean, it's almost like you set up a store and sell it. You know, you just, but I, until I did the sacraments of penance, I thought I kind of had my act together. I've never thought that since then. You know? Oh, I love it. Murder in deed or thought. Oh, no. Right? You go through and you think you're really doing well. You think you're being kind and then this stuff comes up. Retailing of gossip. I'll tell you the profound experience I finally had with the six step because I picked this tool up when I was 12 or 13 years sober was when I got done with this six or seven pages long, I was going to do a marker because I didn't think there would be very many. I may as well just dip the damn thing in yellow And so at that time, you know, I had a deep inner conviction of how much I love God and I'm trying to do the right thing. And I got seven pages and they're all highlighted, right? And I'm sitting there and like I'm meditating and I am asking God to remove this and I just literally broke down. And I'll tell you why I broke down is I really thought I've been doing okay. K. And then I saw how much I fell short, and then I realized, so do you, and that's the best we can do. And you know what? It's okay. It's Okay for You, and it's Okay For Me, and man, I got it. It was okay for me just to be Mark Houston that day. There's nothing to arrive at, you know, as good as I wanted to get. Man, I fall short, And it ain't going to get any better than that, right? I don't expect to get enlightened while I'm here. It's just I fall short too much. I stumble. I hit my knees. And so do you. And in the middle of that, you and I got very equal. There was none of this up here, down here, and that kind of stuff. And then not too long after that experience, this same man who said, I don' t want you in the monastery. I want you out there working with your people. He was sitting there in his own way, was doing his own sacraments, it's been, and he breaks down crying. Now this is a guy that he lives in a monastery, he prays six times a day, starting at 3am in the morning, he's devoted his life to prayer and meditation, and he's sitting there weeping because he falls so short. And I'm watching this, and I'm having this experience with him, and that was my first profound effect with the six-step and defects of character, and seeing why I need to come back to God and seeing that I fall short, seeing there's no arrival place, seeing the necessity of prayer, of meditation, of forgiveness, all of those kinds of things. And getting on an equal footing with you, realizing how most of those defects, the firing mechanism for them is fear. The major firing mechanism, if you just work with the big seven, pride, greed, lust, anger, anger, sloth, gluttony, et cetera. Fear is the firing mechanism for my defects of character, and the less fear that I'm in, the less I exhibit those. So that's a tool. Any of you interested in getting a copy of that, I've got plenty of business cards with an email. I'd be happy to send it to you if you want it. Seventh step, simple prayer. prayer. God take all of me, good and bad. Right? Okay. Eighth step. I believe the eighth and ninth step have a tremendous amount to do based on what your sponsors have done with the eighth and ninth steps. Here's what I mean by that. If you think about this, everybody in this room, our lineage could be traced back to Bill and Bob, correct? Everyone in in the room. Don P. carried the message to me. He was sponsored by a man named Gary B. Gary B., I spent a little time with him last summer. Gary's 42, 43 years sober and lives in Indianapolis. His sponsor is a man called Gary B.'s name is Gary B'. Gary B's name is a guy named Paul M. Paul M.'s sobered up August 15th, 1947. PaulM. had a personal experience with Dr. Bob and a guy named Earl T in Chicago. Paul lives in Chicago. So the message that got transmitted to me doesn't have a whole lot of BS between it, does it? So when it came time to to make amends, the most important word in the eight step to my lineage was made a list of all persons we had harmed and came willing to make them into the mall. All meant just that. I had to go back as far as I could remember to grade school and I had to write down everything I ever stole that I can remember and every dime I ever, all of it. All of it! Long, long list. See, you're influenced by what you're influenced by. Get done with the list, six or seven pages of very clear instructions on how to make amends. How to make the approach. Took me 70 off that first inventory. Took me 17 years to complete those amends I completed every single amend that I had a conscious awareness of I paid every dime of the money back I went to nine different states you want what I have you do what I do how free do you want to be how much of God do you want to know I don't know pay all the money go clean it it up. I went to grave sites, back into high school. Teachers, ex-wives, employers offered just amazing stuff all over. Alaska, Oregon, Washington, California, South Dakota cleaned it up It is difficult for me to describe what it was like the day that I made the last amend that was in my state of consciousness. Here's the other piece that happened to me, I think, that day, why I look at the big book and its promises, ninth step. Is that day I lost my fear of dying? If you lose your fear of lying, you have no fear of living. You live with complete abandon. What a difference. That's why I like to stay current. If I die today, my slate's clean. As far as I know, ladies and gentlemen, I resubmit to the first nine steps. I want to keep it clean. Now there's a theory. Don't know if this is true. Some people like the idea of there's reincarnation. I don't know about that. It's kind of like a priest one day. He was telling me what he thought I thought it was going to happen to me when I died, and I asked him if he had any experience with that. And he said no, and I said I'm not interested in your opinion. I'm sorry. I'm an experienced kind of guy. But in the event that there's such a thing as reincarnation, part of that whole theory is the way you left is the way you'll come back. So in the even that may be true, my slate is clean. I love my tribe but god damn this has been a tough life at times right I'd like to come back just I don't know maybe live in the same town my whole life or something you know marry once instead of four times just different things who knows but that ninth step will thrust me into the tenth step and I want to talk a little bit about ten or eleven and I could go on, I could spend a whole weekend on the ninth step but instructions in there are fairly clear. I want to talk some more about some of the stuff that happens when we hit this tenth step. There are, how many paragraphs? Let's see, one, two, three, four paragraphs in the tenth step Very seldom do we ever talk about the last two too. And visualizations help for me, so I'm going to do this with you. It talks about we've entered the world of the Spirit by the time you get to the tenth step. It starts out like this. It says, this thought, what thought? The thought of finishing your amends brings us to step 10 which suggests that we continue to take personal inventory and continue to sit right in any new mistakes as we go along. So the day I start making amends is the day that I make amends is the way I start working with the disciplines of the tenth step if you believe the instructions of the book. It says, I vigorously commenced this way of living as I cleaned up my past Next sentence. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Why aren't we talking about that sentence in meetings? We've entered the world of The Spirit. What does that mean? This is my experience. You do the work in the first nine steps. Earlier, we were told the only reason we're going to write inventory is to face and be rid of that which has us blocked from God. God lies deep down within we're blocked We do the work in 4 through 9 We are not blocked That's why you have all those incredible 5th step promises And by the time you get to the 9th step You've entered the world of the spirit What does that mean? It means that which was blocking you before From the spirit housed within here Is now gone You have entered the word of the Spirit You now have an awakened spirit You now Have a new 6th sense By the way 10 and 11 allow you to continue to have this awareness. You don't do 10 and 11, all that work you did to face and be rid of that which has you blocked, that wall starts coming back again. Pretty soon, you're up against yourself feeling separated from and you've lost contact with the fact that you've got a spirit housed in here. That's why I keep doing 10 and11. So I've entered the world of the spirit. Think of it as this way. Think of this as though we've stepped into a room. Right? And this language, gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, the 10th and 11th step is new language. It's not language to appeal to your cognitive mind. It is language of the spirit. It's a whole different language. It's saying my next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness using your awakened spirit. Go here. Do this. Boom. You see what I'm saying? Look at the series of events that took place to have all of us here this evening. See, 97 travel agents couldn't have made this happen. Every one of us in our own way had an awakened spirit that responded to us being here. I mean, I love it down here, but I had other things to do. So do you. But there was a part of us that responded and we're all here. That's what that's about. It goes on to say we're here to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for a lifetime. time. Then it talks about with your awakened spirit, continue to watch. What? Watch yourself for what? Selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. You're observing yourself. Right? When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately, make amends quickly. Then we resolutely turn. Spiritual practices. Turn is a spiritual practice. Turn out of yourself. Turn away from yourself. Turn to to someone you can help. Love and tolerance of others is your code. Now, here's these incredible ten-step promises that can only manifest through an awakened spirit. Love and tolerance of Others is my code. But you can't practice that with self-will intact. It's impossible. How about this? I've ceased fighting anything or anyone, dash, even alcohol. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine living that on a daily basis? Ceased fighting. What does that mean? It means I've ceased fighting. Traffic, lines, angry people. Ceased fight. She wants to stay, she wants to go. The health comes, the health goes. Ceased fights. That's exactly what it means. And it says even alcohol. Why? Because for this time sanity will have returned. turn. They flip us back into liquor. I'll seldom be interested in liquor if tempted. I recoil from liquor as though from a hot flame. I react seemingly normally, and this happens automatically. My new attitude toward liquor has been given me with no thought or effort my part. It just comes. That's the miracle of it. I'm not fighting, nor am I avoiding temptation. Check this out. As a result of this work, I've been placed in a position of neutrality. I am safe and protected. protected. Bring it on. I am safe and protected. I don't want to, geez, I wonder if they got liquor there. I do not care. I'm in a position of neutrality. I have been restored to sanity. Would you like a drink? No, you do not have enough. You know, would you like a drink only if you want me sleeping with your wife? No. See, I am sane. I I've been restored to sanity. I'm in a position of neutrality. It says the problem's been removed. What problem? The obsession of the mind, the spirituality. That problem. It said it's been moved. Does not exist. I'm neither cocky nor am I afraid. That is my experience. Is it your experience? This is how I react. Pay attention. As long as I keep in fit spiritual condition. Doesn't say anything in there about God, does it? it. Fifth, spiritual condition. That's how I react. Position of neutrality. Cease fighting anything or anyone. Love and talents of others. If I do what? Stay in fifth, spiritual condition. How do you do that? Well, they're going to tell us. We're not going to like it because it means we've got to do a little work. Easy to let up on the spiritual program of action. Rest on laurels. Headed for trouble if we do. Why? Alcohol is a subtle foe. We We're not cured of alcoholism. I'm given a daily reprieve. See, this is where God gets even. He says, I'm going to let them invent me because they're so arrogant nothing else will work. I'm not going to allow them to make a decision to turn their will in life over to that which created their will in life. They'll get that. Then because they are God and they are judgmental, they're going to write these inventories because everyone else is always to blame. They won't do what they want because they like to play God. Then they're gonna read it to someone. they're going to defile these defects of character and they're gonna ask me to take them and they can go out and make amends and now it's payback time because in order to stay sober and realize all this neat stuff there's all kinds of stuff they got to do on a daily basis right and they start to talk about what it is we're given a daily reprieve contingent of the maintenance of spiritual condition every day is a day when these people must carry Carry the vision of God's will into all our activities. Say a prayer. How can I best serve thee? Thy will, not mine, be done. That's a practice. You get up in the morning before you go into work. Sit down at your desk. Say that prayer. You work for an hour. You get ready to move to another activity. How can i best serve these? Thy will not mine be done move over here. It's a practice. 10th and 11th step are practices ladies and gentlemen. You could do them the rest of your life. Turn is a practice pause is is a practice. Ask is a practise. These are incredible things that you and I get to work with during the course of a day in all the areas of my life. It says, these are thoughts which must go with me constantly. I can exercise my willpower along this line. All I wish is the proper use of the will. The tenth step is about the line of the Will. I want you to think about this. You did your evening review. Your little sunbeam for God. You went to bed and slept great. Little eyeballs pop open. Right? A little committee starts talking. You make your coffee. You sit down. Upon awakening, we consider our plans for the day. Then you start saying your prayers and doing your stuff and you meditate. You're hooked up. Line of the will, right? Now, you walk out to your door with the hand in the door there's going to be someone in the parking lot blocking my car. You're already a little off the line. Right? Thy will be done. Boom! Back! Get in. Go into Starbucks. Three cars in front of you. Boom! Way over here. What are they doing? It's too early in the morning. I have to get deep, right? Thy will not be done. Boom! Back. Line of the will all day long, right. You get a phone call. Put you in tons of fear. Wow! Way over here. Right? God, remove fear. How many rhymes would you beat? Boom! Nope, didn't quite make it. Do it again. God, removed the fear. What did you help me beat? Boom! I'm back. Now imagine you're not doing any of this. By the time you come to the meeting I'm at, your ass is like this. and you want to talk about self-pity and it's God's fault he gave you 10 step practices all day long line of the will, boom, back back, ask, pause, turn cease fighting, wow powerful, powerful stuff imagine if you're not doing any of these practices one day goes by two days, nine days that's when you pick up the paper and go well, it says in the paper that Brad picked up a machine gun, killed nine people. Just don't drink, go to meetings. You understand the point? You see how far off you get? See, I don't have the luxury of doing this stuff. See, i do the 11th step in the morning, get hooked up, got your plants, got your cat, whatever, get all hooked up. You put your hand in that door, it's on, you're out there. That's where the 10th step, pause, ask, turn, cease, right? Great stuff to bring you back. back. Six cents, right? Stay hooked up. Many times throughout the day that will be done. You do this all day long. Then you go home at night, you open your book, you do all the evening review questions. To do what? To see if you're awake during the day. To be able to get a decent night's sleep. To see If there's any corrective action. I told you, God gets It's even, right? There's no rest for us once we get to 10 to 11. There's just not. Then you get up the next morning, consider the plans for the day, and sometimes that's carrying over a correcting action. You see how powerful this stuff is, though. You see, the 10th and 11th step to me are an abyss. There's not end to the practices that you can do with it. Makes you more effective in every grow in understanding and effectiveness, right, but powerful, powerful stuff. 12-step takes care of itself, as it has was evidenced by all of us being here. A couple of things and then I'm going to close it up. To me, 1 through 9 are a series of steps to allow me to experience the spiritual dimension of the 10th and 11th step. And they'll allow me that awaken spirit out into this world to grow in understanding and effectiveness in every area of my life. Every single area of my life to live an abundant life beyond my wildest dreams along the way practice some of the principles that we've been taught about but see what a deal I think we all have an obligation to take that new alcoholic to take dat new addict and talk to him about this guy to talk to him about this power that can come into their lives how can change and transform their lives that they can get taken places beyond their wildest dreams if they want to remember see I work off spiritual consent Craig anyone I work with Brad they've given me spiritual consent in their life you haven't give me spiritual concern I'll never say a word to you you about how you're living your life. You give me spiritual consent, and I have given spiritual consent to all kinds of people, in which I give them consent to say to me, you're just a little off the beam there. You're getting ready to mix the Kool-Aid, buddy. See, I'm the kind of guy, you give me enough space, I'd be like David Koresh. We're holding enough we ain't coming out gonna rewrite the big book you know with the best of intention so you got a spiritual consent boom get some people they pull you back on track but don't miss out on this god bless y'all I love you do a little mic check here is that that sound all right for you how about lot of everyone else. Can you hear me all right? Never had any problems with modulation, I guess. My name's Mark Houston. I'm an alcoholic and a power that I didn't believe in, didn't have much time for, separated me from alcohol and cocaine the morning of October the 19th of 1982. And if I believe my big book and I do, that power along with a daily course of action, working with the strict spiritual disciplines of the 10th and 11th and 12th step have kept me from drinking. I've always got to stay clear on what I'm supposed to do versus what God's supposed to be doing. Because I did the great God cop-out. God keeps me sober. Well, there's this idea there's nothing but God, so of course that's a part of it. But if you really read the 10TH and 11TH step, it says that you and I I are sitting here sober because we're in fit spiritual condition. Correct? And then there's about five or six pages of what we're supposed to do, of very intense, very specific stuff. Prayers to say. You're supposed to set aside some time in the morning and meditate. You're exposed to consider your plans for the day. You'RE exposed to ask for freedom from self. All kinds of things. And then THERE'S a lot of tools that you'RE exposed TO work with all through the day as you rub up against yourself. I'll talk more about this, but the 10th step is what I do once my hand is on the door and I'm coming out and interacting with you. You do the 11th step in your home in the morning and in your house in the evening. But the 10st step you use when the game is on. By the way, when you find yourself in the middle of a highway and there's an 18-wheeler bearing down on you, that is not a good time to try and figure out how you got there. The tenth step is about move. Get the force away from yourself. Things like watch, ask, pause, turn. Turn out of yourself into. Cease fighting. Practices. Tenth step is an abyss. Two pages. Five, six paragraphs long. We never talk about the last two or three paragraphs of the tenth step. There are a set of practices when I go out my door that I get to work with all day long. And I'll talk more about that. First nine steps allowed me to open a door into what the big book says is I've entered the world of the Spirit. What does that mean? What a great question. Well, what does that means? Tenth step, I've enter the world of the spirit. My experience is it means I've entered the world of the Spirit. See, the big book does stuff like this. It's a real tricky book. Like you'll sit in meetings and somebody will say, I don't know how it works. I do. There's a whole chapter on how it worked. Well, I don' t know how to sponsor someone. Well, there's a full chapter called Into Action, Working with Others. Right? And we go, well, I d'on't know hwo it works . . . I do . . ." Big Book gave me a set of precise, specific, clear-cut instructions on how to recover from a hopeless condition of body and mind. And it's very clear about how that process develops. So I want to read a couple quotes from one of my meditation books. This is called 365 Tao, A Book of Daily Meditations. and first one is called practice says a spiritual success is gained by daily cultivation if you practice for the day you have won if you were lazy for the day then you have lost self cultivation is the heart of spiritual attainment Gaining insight and ability is not a matter of grand statements Dramatic initiations or sporadic moments of enlightenment Those things are only highlights in a life of consistent activity Whatever system of spirituality you practice, do it every day If it's prayer, then pray every day If it' meditation, then meditate every day If it'' exercise, then exercise every day Only then will you be able to say that you are truly practicing spirituality. This methodical approach is reassuring in several ways. First, it provides you with a process and a means to maintain progress even if that particular day is not inspiring or significant. Just to practice is already good. Second, it gives you a certain faith. If you practice every day, it is inevitable that you will gain from it. Thirdly, constant practice gives you a certain satisfaction. How can you say to yourself you have truly entered a spiritual path unless you can look back on years of daily practice and take comfort in the momentum that it has given you? And, of course, our big book, when it talks to me about the 10th and 11th step, reinforces that idea. And I told some of you last night that I planned on doing what it asked me to do in the chapter working with others. I was hoping to disturb some of you about the question of alcoholism. And I ask you to look at some things. I ask what you were doing with the disciplines of the 10th and 11th step. This idea of the things I need to do to stay in fit spiritual condition. I challenge you with the idea that my body can't live off the food I ate two weeks ago and if you're trying to stay sober off an old experience, that won't work. You may find yourself in a very unexpected place called a bar or at some doctor's office getting Vicodin. Why? Because you're not in fit spiritual condition. Why? Because you are not doing the very thing that got you to where you are at. So I challenge some of you, take a look. Do you have a daily prayer and meditation life? Then I posed another question to you, because the actions I take or don't take are always based on what? My belief systems. So if you're not working with the disciplines of 10 and 11, if you've gotten away from doing evening review, if you don't have a prayer and meditation life, both, what's the belief system behind that? Pardon me? Well, yeah, plain God. God, I don't need to do that. Stay sober. Really. First step. One-third of the big books are devoted to looking at your first step experience. And there's three words. Again, these are words we don't talk about in our meetings that are very, very important around this idea of the mental obsession. first 33 pages doctor's opinion up to page 23 are designed to look at one thing when I take a drink do I lose power, choice and control over how much that's not a rocket scientist question, you just have to go into your experience if your drug of no choice is something other than alcohol such as cocaine or pills or whatever you're going to ask yourself the same question. If I snort that line of cocaine, do I have power choice control over how much? And you only can answer that experientially. And if the answer is no, then you're powerless once it's in your body, correct? Not hard to work with. Pages 23 to 43 talk about what we talk about in the rooms about this idea of I have a mental obsession. session. Here's another way to look at that, is I will commit the most insane act of my life, stone cold sober. What do I mean by that? See, I could trick you. I could ask you all to give me a list of the 10 most insane things you've ever done, and I promise you that everything you write in the list would be under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Am I right? Well, if you're like me if when you take a drink or if when you do drugs you lose power choice control over how much then once you're separated from alcohol and drugs the most insane thing that you could ever do and you're going to do it stone cold sober is your mind's going to tell you to drink or do dope again and you are going to act on that. How do you help somebody who commits the most sane act of their life stone cold sober? I work with chronic relapses all the time and one of my first questions is do you think you're involved with your relapse? You know what they always tell me? Oh, yeah. Really? If I was involved with my relapse, you would have another speaker. That means I have the power to choose whether I drink or not drink. I don't. The drink chooses me regardless of circumstance, consequence, whatever. But in those pages 23 to 43, there's these three little words they stick in there at certain times Mark will have no effective mental defense against the first drink at certain time, that doesn't mean every time does it how about the day that you choose you choose to not do the disciplines of 10 or 11 what if it's that day see if you're not, as far as I can tell Now, if you believe this book, if you've had the experience I had and you believe this book and the only reason you're staying sober is fit spiritual condition, then if you're not working with disciplines of 10 or 11, then you have a belief system. You know what the day looks like when your mind's going to take you back to a drink. Would you agree with that? This program for me, one of the things I finally had to get very clear on, it's about a lot more than God. There's a lot of action in here. Lots of action. My experience is I've got to set the alarm clock to get up in the morning. Right? There's this whole thing of what's the most important relationship in your life, right? And people lie to me and say, God. And I go, really? How much time did you give God this morning? Ooh, about five minutes. See? Am I willing to get up early to set aside time, get a little uncomfortable? Got a new mantra I'm working with this year. I'm here to build character instead of seek comfort. Sought comfort a lot in my life. Am I welcome to build characters? I get up between 4 and 4.15 Monday through Friday. Why? Because my life schedule is such I need to get up then to have an hour with this power, with this God in prayer and meditation doing what the big book says because here's what I have seen over time the men and women who were my teachers and mentors and who worked out of the big-book all die sober what I've noticed about them is they're doing this stuff right up to the day they die and I mean all of it they're not just drinking going to meetings living off an old experience they're dealing the deal they're writing current inventory they're working with prayer they're work on meditation they're doing written evening review. Wow! But at certain times I'll have no effective mental defense against the first drink. Am I living my life as though I know that? Do I even know what it means to be in fit spiritual condition? That's another great question, isn't it? Right? First step, illness of the body and mind. no human power once more the alcoholic the drug addict at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink is that your experience it was my experience my first step experience the first half of the first step turned me into a seeker of power and ended the great debate if you're like me, if every form of human aid did not work to keep you away from a drink, and if your experience is you'll commit the most insane act of your life sober, you better find some power. I tell people I'm Norwegian and Alki, but I'm not an idiot. My experience showed me I needed a relationship with a power greater than myself, and quite frankly, I I didn't care what you called it. I tell people this, you have a first step experience, you're willing to get dip-dunk, sprayed and neutered to find God. You understand that? Steps 2 through 12 are not about 2 through 12, ladies and gentlemen. They're about your need for power. If you need power, 2 through 12 is like kissing a baby's butt compared to what whiskey does. Look what whiskey asks of you. You break the hearts of every human being who ever means anything to you. If you're a parent, you're a lousy one. When you take the drink or if you're dying of untreated alcoholism, you are a miserable employee. The list goes on and on and on and then you come in the rooms we say well all we have you can't do a few things like go through the book work their steps you can have to write inventory three of them that's really the first time the book does something move you into a form of action other than and look at some considerations, right? But you're going to read these inventories and you're gonna make a list of defects. You're gonna take those to God then you gotta make a lista of all the people you've harmed. Gotta pay all the money back. I was going over this one time with a guy he looks at me and goes God, Mark, I just want to not drink. Right? Then you gotta work with the disciplines of 10-11 and then you got to work with others. Now, think of what booze does to you. Does it to you the same thing to me? We hear what we've got to do when we come in the rooms and go, well, that sounds like a bit much. Really? See, how do you help somebody like that? See, a big book says die an alcoholic death or live on a spiritual basis. And the guy looks at you and he goes, could you tell me what dying an alcoholic life looks like? Right? I tell this to the guys at my recovery center all the time. Alcoholics are the only people in the world that will come to you asking for help, and you'll give them some idea of what they've got to do, and they'll kick you in the nuts in appreciation because they don't like what you said. Then we wonder why we're so hard to help. Right? First step. That's why I go back and revisit my first step every year. My first step is what keeps me in the rooms. My first steps is what keep me writing inventory. My first step is what keeps me working with the disciplines of 10 and 11. My first steps is what keep me sponsoring men, these whiners, moaners. You know how new, I always got one or two new needy, needy clingy. who's going to do that unless you unless you need to do that to live to do to live to live I go around the country a lot a lot of groups they sell chips right you guys have chips you start looking around the number of chips picked up in 10 years on up You start looking at 20, you start looking at 30, and it's non-existent. Where do you think these people go? You think they just go to church? I don't think so. My truth is, very few people ever get sober and die sober. You lose that first step connection, your connection with what is wrong with you. Right? And over time it's a subtle thing. You start just going to a little less meetings You used to sponsor a bunch of guys Now you're sponsoring one It's very subtle Then you're not calling your sponsors much Then you wake up one day and you're out Now you are up against yourself And you can't get back in again I tell the guys I work with This AA is not for sprinters It's for marathon runners I know all kinds of sprinters you know they six months on fire boom I'll say yeah well just keep coming back right it's for marathon runners one day at a time but no quick fixes am I willing to do that I'm willing to go through that process I want to read one more reading and then I'm going to move into the fourth step. I don't know if there are any of you in here struggling on the God issue. Any of you struggling with the God issues? Raise your hand. One person, two people. The rest of you are liars. How do you not struggle in the God? We're talking about God. Give me a break. We all got God issues. It's called Donkey. One of my favorite readings. It says, dismount your donkey at the summit. Some places in this world are very hard to climb and people use animals. Each person can only ride one and each animal might have a different name. The riders go up the trail in different orders and they will discuss their varying opinions about their experiences. experiences. They may even have conflicting opinions. One traveler may think the trip thrilling, another may found it terrifying and a third may find it boring. At the summit all the travelers stand in the same place. Each of them has the same chance to view the same vista. The donkeys are put to rest and they graze. They are not needed anymore. We all travel the path to God. The donkeys are the various doctrines that each of us embraces. What does it matter which doctrine we embrace as long as it leads us to the summit? Your donkey might be a Zen donkey, mine might be a Dao donkey, there's the AA donkey, the CA donkey, the back-to-basics donkey, and the big book thumper donkey. There's Christian, Islamic, Jewish, and even agnostic donkeys. All donkeys lead to the same place. Why poke fun at others over the name of their donkey? Aren't you riding one yourself? We should put aside both the donkeys and our interim experiences once we arrive at the summit. Whether we climb in suffering or joy as immaterial, we are there. All religions have different names for the ways of getting to the holy summit. once we reach the summit we no longer need names and we experience all things directly boy that says a lot doesn't it so I'm going to talk about the AA donkey it was the AA donkey that got me to the summit now once you get the summit it doesn't matter how people what donkey gets them up there and really even within the rooms of AA I've always loved that visualization though particularly when I watch people when they start debating this God issue right and I've just often thought about that you've got a Christian donkey and you've Got a Buddhist donkey and a Zen donkey and an agnostic donkey we're going up and there's this incredible view and all we're doing is arguing about well the spots on my donkey are much nicer than the spots of yours no they're not we miss the whole view I only have one question for anybody about your donkey. Is it getting you to the summit? If not, you might want to trade this son of a bitch in. Find one that gets you there. Get a donkey that getsyou to the Summit you can dismount. Then the view is the same for everybody. I found my donkey right here, right in the pages of this book, particularly 30 pages of action that I had to take, starting with the fourth step up to the ninth step and then a set of disciplines on a daily basis. and it took me to the summit and I had a revolutionary spiritual experience and I am a recovered alcoholic and cocaine addict I have not recovery I have recovered from a hopeless state of mind exactly as my big book promised me I would starting on the title page the story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered I claim that get a concordia See how many times the big book used the word recovery? That false humility, I'll always be recovering. That is inconsistent with the book. You don't have to believe me. Read your book. By the way, the only disclaimer I ever give, if I say anything that you cannot reconcile with the big book, I'm wrong. But do not let anybody read your big book for you. It's full of promises starting on the very opening page of that book all the way through to the end. It says we have recovered and been given the power to help others. I'm not making that up. We talked about some of the other incredible promises. There's promises in every step. There's third-step promises, the fifth-step premises. There's some of them most powerful ones in the whole book. The ninth-step promise? See, I don't know about you, but if you're new, there's a couple people that are new sitting in here tonight. ninth? Is there any promise I can hook on to prior to the ninth step? Yeah, all kinds of them. All kinds. Starting on the title page. You can recover from a hopeless state of mind and body in the forward, the first edition. All kinds of promises. What a wonderful thing. Tenth step promises. We don't talk about those. Y'all know what those are, don't you? Things like we've ceased fighting anything or anybody Wow things like we've been placed in a position neutrality we are safe and protected Wow things like you have a new sixth sense those are all tenth step promises we don't talk about this you want to have fun sometime I don't know about you but when alcohol work all the ninth step promises behind alcohol work too take the the nine-step promises when alcohol worked and read them. Now try and read the ten-step promises when alcool was working. You can't do it. It's very interesting. Ten-step, though. I enter the world of the Spirit. I in particular tonight want to move into...we went up through the third step last night and I want to talk about the fourth step. I'm big on inventory. Writing inventory. Pen and paper. A lot more happens between pen and paper than mind and mouth. I'll say that again. A lot more happens between pen and paper than mind and mouth I watch particularly people get time Craig we went through this recently he was in a situation he called me and there was the ex-husband was making the call my pal Al Craig was non-existent. The reason I knew that wasn't even high. It's just, I've got to talk. The whole phone out to here. He didn't draw a breath for like five minutes. So it gets done and I said, Well, I hope you're sitting alongside the freeway instead of driving. No, I'm driving. When you get back to Austin, I want you to take a pen to paper and I want to write some inventory and I'm not going to talk about this again until you do. He called me two more times trying to get me to talk about it. Because that's an easier, softer way. Somehow I'll talk about It. I'll make It go away. It doesn't go away, It just simmers. Then something else happens. Boom, comes up again. Fourth step is not about recreating yourself in your own image. Fourth step is about facing to be rid of that which has you blocked from power. The fourth step is where you get entirely rid of self. That's why it's such a powerful tool. Take pen to paper. So we talked last night about the third step and I want to reiterate where the book really starts telling me what's wrong with you and I've always thought they were very cruel when they introduced this to me because it really starts to take place on page 62 of the book, right? And then you have the 10 pages in the doctor's opinion. Now that's 72 pages of information before they finally start telling you and I what's wrong with us, and the word alcohol or drugs is not in there. Now, that's cruel. That's not right. Why couldn't they have done that in the beginning? See, I thought when I came into the rooms and said Alcoholics Anonymous this was about me not drinking alcohol because I thought my problem was alcohol. 72 pages in the book they say no selfishness self-centeredness is the root of your troubles I thought it was vodka Jack Daniels cocaine right and then it describes how you and I live our life when we're selfish and self-centred we go through life being driven if you have not looked that word look the word driven up and you will find the word driven implies you have no choice here's Here's how it looks for me when I'm into self-will. Limbo pulls up in front of my house. I go out and get in. The driver turns around. He says, hi, Mark. My name's Fear, and I'm going to drive your ass today. And he does all day long. The next day, it's self-delusion. The next say, it' s self-seeking. The next stay, it is self-pitying. But I'm being driven. Why? Because I'm in the self- will. I'm end of me. Choice. choice has nothing to do with it when you're being driven by the way there's nothing worse than sitting in the rooms of a sober for a while thinking you're choosing the course of action that you take on a daily basis I'll tell you what woke me up to the fact that maybe I wasn't choosing maybe I was being driven is I looked at courses of action I begin to take in sobriety that were not in my highest good. And it occurred to me I'm too intelligent to choose that course of action that maybe I better start looking at the idea I was being driven with no choice. Right? That's something for you to think about. So driven by a hundred forms Now, I want you to think about inventory as I cover this with you. Let me ask this question. How many of you have written inventory, say, in the last four months? Okay. So, driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self seeking and self-pity, sitting, I step on the toes of my fellows. Column one of your inventory, resentment inventory, they retaliate. Colum two, why you're angry. Sometimes they hurt me. Third column, how do you defect you? See me without provocation. I didn't do anything. But it says we invariably find, invariably means every time. We invariably find that sometime in the past, we have made decisions based on self, third column, which later placed me in a position to be hurt. If that is true every single time I've ever written inventory I should be able to go back and see that at some point in time I made decisions based oneself which placed me into position to be hurt now sometimes that means going back 10 to 15 to 20 years but my experience is this is is true. Then the book goes on and talks about, so my troubles are of my own making. Your fourth column. Think about this. It's Groundhog Day stuff. If you're in self-will, you're going to go through life being driven by what? A hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self seeking, self pity. You get up in the morning, the voices are talking, let's go, got to go to work, got a sale, got to do boo boo, whatever. Got to arrange all these people to fit you. So you begin this course of action. your course of action conflicts with theirs, and some of them get upset with you. And they do what the book says, and they retaliate. And then your feelings are hurt. Then you bring that crap into my meeting instead of write inventory on it. No. But that's what happens. And that happens long enough, and then you and I start to get dis-eased. And then one day the voice says, at a certain time, Mark, I know what would treat that. is a drink, or a drug, or a line. And if I'm not in fit spiritual condition, I'll act on that. Commit the most insane act of my life sober. So all my troubles are of my own making. It goes on to say, my troubles arise out of me, and I am an extreme example of self-war and riot, though I do not think so. Now the book gets a little more serious about our dilemma. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must or it kills us. See, if you're not working... This is my experience. If you're nicht working mit den täglichen Dissimilienzen von 10 oder 11, your selfishness is growing and growing and growig. You cannot defeat your ego. See, I don't care how long you're sober. You cannot beat your ego, it will take the best of us. That's the whole purpose of the disciplines of 10 or 11. Is to wake yourself up to your selfishness. All that happens when you get sober over a longer period of time, your stage characters change. That's all that happens. They get nicer and kinder. More spiritual and more evolved. But it's still all tricks of the ego. That's it. They just change. They're craftier. Get kinder Right? You can't defeat the ego. You see? So it's interesting. We must get rid of the selfish. We must or it kills us. And, of course, God's name is in the next sentence and our name is not. My self-will cannot eliminate my self- will, which is why all the self-help books in the world don't help people like us. I'm okay, you're okay, and the cat's okay. Doesn't work. What works for me is I'm an ass, you'RE an ass and I'm ok with that. See? That kind of stuff doesn't work for me. I've tried it. I have. I really have. I've trying to self-will myself into being a nice person. It doesn't works. It goes against my very nature, right? The big book earlier talked about that. It talks about even when Mark's motives are kind, he is selfish and self-centered. Watch out! Right? What I told you the other night, nice elkies scare me because I know better. Thank God we were given the AA donkey. It allows us to function in the world. They give us our own tribe. We've got to meet only with each other. And other people don't understand this. Now it says there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without God's aid. I told you this last night. That sentence tells me that if I'm willing to continue to do some things in this book, I can be entirely rid of self now. I don't know about the rest you but on any given day I get real tired of mark You know what I'm saying Can you imagine that entirely rid himself? See Craig came up to one day, and he says I want to become enlightened And I said well I'm sorry to hear that and he said why I Said because the part of you that wants to get enlightened if it happens you will not be around to recognize it he said well i don't want to be enlightened if i can't recognize it right i can be entirely rid of self with god's aid how does that happen the steps four five six seven eight nine make amends discipline 10 11 do it again do it against you do it once again entirely rid of itself amazing amazing process and then it goes on and talks about you and i have this moral and philosophical convictions glory you know i'm going to be Be a neat guy. Pay taxes. Honor my relationships. Be a man of integrity. I'm going to work out six days a week. Get buff. You know, quit all bad vices. Eat nothing but nutritious food. How's that working for you? Not good. Going to buy 14 books as I'm trying to do all this and then I turn around and give them the next alky who's going to try that because they don't work for me. So I see that this is me. I can't live of up to me even though I would like to. Neither can I reduce my self-centeredness by wishing or trying on my own power. See, here's where I'm up against when I look at this second and third step and move into the fourth. My own power versus do I need God's power? That's where the rub is. I had to have God's help. Do I? Yeah. Yeah. So this is, the end of the book said this is how you're going to get God's help. Earlier on the book told you and I where we're going to find God, deep down within. As a matter of fact it says in the final analysis that's the only place that we'll find God. Tell the men that I work with that this is a neat deal. The very power I need dwells within me but I'm blocked from it. Call it a jewel, call it whatever, but it exists within and I'm blocked. Four through nine will remove move that. And the very power that I need to change and transform my life, I don't have to go anywhere. I can find it in Cabo, Austin, Texas, anywhere. What a wonderful, incredible thing if I'm willing to just take a course of action. See, I do not know about the rest of you, but that was like a Cheech and Chong moment. I had this idea somehow I had to go somewhere to experience God, and that God was out there. The idea that I am going to have this experience internally was a whole new concept for me all right so here's how I'm gonna get God's help I gotta quit playing God I gave some of you an assignment if you wanted to try it last night make a list of your areas currently in your life in which you're like to play God any of you do that by the way seriously that that's a great exercise did you do that good in your head it's kind of funny isn't it seriously see the reason I wanted to throw this out to you I don't think you're much different me I think most you have a whole bunch of areas you want to play God in you've just been sober long enough to pretend you ain't got got that going on. Does that make sense? You understand what I just said to you? Remember, you get craftier. See, the toolkit of self-will, the longer you're sober, it's just craftier, that's all. You'll use kindness. Let me get that for you. Still a toolkit of his self will. But it talks about the reason you and I are going to quit playing God is because yet me playing God doesn't work. Do I believe that? Do I bleed that? Yeah. Yes. Every time I go back and look at this, where am I playing God? And do I believe me playing god doesn't work? Yes. Why is that important? Because somewhere in here there must be a collapse of the self. A collapse to the point to understand that you're part of a greater whole and you don't have a clue about any of it how long people are supposed to be here how long they're supposed to live you name it where you live all of it it's that kind of a collapse you understand that kind of a class where you become a part of a plan you're going to quit playing God what does that mean for me means where I live who's in my life who's not where where what I do for a living all of it all of is in the hands of someone else I don't think I worry about is what's within my control what I mean by that this morning what time I got up setting the alarm clock doing the disciplines of the 10th and 11th step this morning if I wanted to work out today I could do that if we want to eat right today I I could do that. All kinds. That's what's within my domain. The rest of it is not. It just isn't. I'm along for the ride. See, I kind of like living in Denver, Colorado. If I didn't stay in it, I'd never got to Texas. I've been in Texas since 1991. My resistance, the way I wound up there was I woundup going there through a nut house. Don't resist this thing. God wants you in Texas. You're going to Texas See, I didn't know for the longest time why the book warned you and I when we make this third step decision. People rub up against this third step and they say this third-step prayer in which you say to God, God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and you do with me as thou wilt. I'm going to go back to my episode in Texas. I had three job offers to come to Texas the two years prior to going to the psych hospital. I turned them all down. Why? Because I didn't want to go to Texas. God said, look, that worked for you down here, boy. We're going to try it this way. You're goingto get a nice job offer. They're willing to move you down. All kinds of stuff. No, thank you. I like it here. Okay, we're goingtry it again. Right? We'll try another offer. Nah, I got it. I gotit. Okay, cool. You gave your life to me. It's a good thing you did. You weren't doing too well. I got work for you in Texas. Now we're going to do it my way. You're going to be really depressed to the point where you can't work. You can't leave your apartment. And you're going to get really uncomfortable. I'm going to leave you in the desert for a while. You want to stay in the inner? You go right ahead. Have a good day. And I rode out the desert experience into a series of events I wound up in Texas. Got some water back in my diet again. And I said, hmm. When I got released from that place, I made an agreement. God, I'm going to try and pay a little bit more attention next time when you want me going somewhere. In fact, I am just going to travel light for a while. That's exactly what happened. I was in Houston, Texas for a While. And then Kerrville, Texas. And then Austin, Texas Then Dallas, Texas Now I am back in Austin. Now I will tell you this and all the time I've been sober, I feel like I can sink roots. First time. I know what it's like to get sent out. See, we say this third step prayer and then we forget what we said because we think they're just words. They're just little words, right? Some of you, I know some of you are going through some suffering. I want you to understand what you said to that which created everything. I offer myself to thee to build with me and you do with me as you want. And then that power does that, and you whine. Doesn't work that way. See? See, somewhere in there, what I had to learn along the way was I had faith and courage. And I had a lot of faith in God. And I have to look at myself like a child, a little two-, three-year-old child. You know, I have a tendency to play with sharp knives, right? A parent takes it away. What's a child do? A child gets upset. A parent's taking it away for the child's own benefit, right, See, that's what I've had to look at in terms of me and this relationship with God. And that's just the way I am. I whine a lot when the knife, the shiny object gets taken away from me. You stay sober long enough, you start to understand why that happened. So we say the third step prayer. And then off of that prayer, now we're going to launch into inventory. inventory. And I want to talk about resentment inventory. They use some great words. Personal house cleaning, though my third step decision was a vital and crucial step, it. By the way, my experience is when you go through the big book and the book uses the word it, always know what it means because it does that a lot. But know what what it means. Though my third step decision was vital and crucial, it will have little permanent effect. What do you think they meant there? You don't think they mean permanent effect, do you? Yeah, they meant permanent effect! A permanent effect? I've never drank since the time I did this. I have experienced a permanent effect why? Because I was willing to do the rest of the work. Relapse is not complex. It is not. There's a set of precise, specific, clear-cut instructions and the book says if you're willing to do them you cannot fail. The only people I've seen that could not maintain permanent sobriety were the ones who would not submit to this process. I don't know if there's such a thing as reincarnation. If there is, I must not have been a nice guy in the last life and the reason I say that is I normally only get to sponsor chronic relapses there are four favorite words or I know and yes but they know more about the big book than I ever thought of and they like to point that out to me but they can't stay sober finally they come to me and it's it's not complex and it not because of stuff that happened to him as a child it's because they've never been willing to surrender one day at a time and go through this process And gain access to power and then keep doing that most of them don't want to work with other people They're too selfish But I don't find relapse to be any big secret whatsoever so Let's go on look at some of our instructions around the four step Here's what this is I'm gonna this is going to be a strenuous effort to face and to be rid of the things inside me me which have been blocking me from what? Power. The power I need. That's the only reason I write inventory, ladies and gentlemen. There is no other reason. I need access to power and I'm blocked from it. Here's where the book starts to tell you and I that my liquor or my drugs is but a symptom. When you go to a doctor, what does the doctor do? He asks you a series of questions if you're not feeling well, correct? What do you report to him? Symptoms Does he treat the symptoms or the problem He treats the problem Your drinking and or your drug use Is not the problem It is a symptom You get that Earlier the book told us what the problem was You remember what that was It said above everything we must be rid of what That's the problem selfishness that's the problem if for whatever reason you'll have to complain it got about this because I don't understand it either when I get consumed with myself I like to drink I donno why I just do and so do you or you don't drink but you get real miserable when you think everything's about you the spotlights always got to be on you it's got to work out the way you want don't know why that is. I don't know why we're that way, but we are. That's why the book says at this point, Mark, your booze is but a symptom. We've got to get down to causes, second column, and conditions, third column. If you haven't taken a dictionary, look up the word causes and conditions. Condition refers to a state of being. Remember last night? I gave you all something to look at too. Identify your list of characters, your stage characters, all the different things that you think define who and what you are. Every one of those is a state of being. Look up the word condition. It refers to a state of being." Big Book, when it goes from the third column to fourth column, says, "...in that state, the wrongdoing of others, fancy real has the power to kill." So you'll come back to this. When I really began to work a lot with inventory I truly became a student and I started looking these words up and I start seeing because I was watching these incredible things happen off of writing inventory and doing fifth steps and I could not understand why how can you write these three inventories sit across from somebody do a fifth step and then get catapulted into the fifth step promises not to mention amends how does that happen that makes no sense whatsoever so I started to really explore that say what takes place here I knew somehow it was connected to entirety being rid of self and that's what happens ladies and gentlemen four through nine as you begin to get disconnected from all these mind made false sense of self that you think defined you that makes you afraid all the time you begin to get pulled back from that you begin to be rid of that which has you blocked from what God the power deep down within and you begin to feel that connection that sense of oneness and you began to know that all is well in spite of what's going on out here you begin to touch that part of you