Quit Arguing, Quit the Closed Mind — That’s What Step Two Actually Means

This is Monday, October 3rd, 1994, primetime stay, Sherman Oaks, California, Alcoholics Anonymous.
It was never delivered, it was never presented, it just was not.
Because of the fact that now there's, I know there's a lot of Alkies that are maybe different than I am in respect to what,
how much brain damage they've had or whatever.
And I couldn't hear, I couldn't hear nothing worthwhile to actually use or do differently or be differently.
I just couldn't hear it.
I accepted the fact, you know, of going to meetings, maybe like you have,
where you attend meetings, you attend meetings, you go to meetings, you go to meetings, and so on.
But you see, while all that was going on, the disease of alcoholism was growing in me without the alcohol,
and I never could, I was never told that, and I was never shown that.
By example or by practice.
By my behavior.
And so I went along with this here way of life in Alcoholics Anonymous, staying sober, going to meetings with a sponsor and all this jazz.
And I was the same man sober as I was drunk.
And that, you know, it was very obvious to me that I was the same man sober as I was drunk
because of my anger and my hostility where it seems just a thought would trigger them.
I didn't have to get in confrontation with somebody and then lose them.
I lost it before I even seen a person, you know.
All I had to do was think.
And man, I'm in it again, you know.
But I never once knew what that was.
I never could couple that up with any sound reasoning in my head anyway
because I thought in terms of, that's the way you are.
As long as you don't get drunk, it's okay to be like that.
Just don't drink, see.
Well, that was the message.
But the other part of this message that I'm talking about was that meetings.
To go to meetings after so many meetings.
Not time.
I won't put it in time factor.
But put it in.
You know, a lot of meetings.
And to go to these meetings and then to leave these meetings
and be the same man before and after the meeting with no difference.
That's what used to shake me up, see.
It's because when I get into my car after I left the meeting, you know, I was a wild man.
I was terrible.
You know, I couldn't drive my own car.
I just couldn't drive it because everything affected me, you know.
And so, now, in them days, why, if you would describe the disease to me,
as a mind-functioning disease, that's a power that controls me
and that I'm a power that talks to me
and my mind guides me and directs me and tells me how to act and how to behave
and how to look at you and life and everything else like that.
Man, that's what I need to hear.
I need to hear things, and I'll call this anonymous,
when I got here for a long period of time and I still have to hear it today, too.
This doesn't make no difference because the disease of alcoholism is still a mind disease.
It's a disease.
It'll never, never change or get well or can't cut it out or cover it up or hide it
or anything else like that because it's a character that I represent.
It's me.
And then this didn't make sense, see, because to come here and stay sober and work and make money,
buy possessions, have a wife, kids, and every other thing that goes with it,
and then still have to think in terms of anger, jealousy, resentments,
looking at people suspicious.
I'm a suspicious son of a gun.
I am, man.
And, yeah, I am.
It's because I don't trust nobody, see.
I learned years ago never to trust nobody.
Nobody.
And that's the character I brought here.
So I look at you funny all the time.
I'm suspicious of you, see.
And, hell, I'm not drunk, man.
I'm all the way from the bottle.
But in turn, though, I can't live with people.
I can't have a relationship with another human being, especially a loved one,
especially somebody that's close to me because I'm a fault finder.
You know, I find fault.
And I don't recognize or identify this here disease of alcoholism
as a disease in me now, today, this day, now.
See, I'm always looking backwards.
I'm always looking, as I did something, I'm not going to do that again.
Or it's going to be better tomorrow.
Or I've got a long way to go and I'm going to be okay.
See, I just have to attend more meetings and I have to look at this a little bit differently now.
You know, hell, I can't look at anything different now than I ever could in my life
because I still have...
I still have the same power that brought me here, which is me.
And this here meeting doesn't change this power.
This reading I do and this praying I do, that doesn't change the power in me.
That doesn't do that at all.
But you see, I have to be shown this.
Now, shown, it means I have to be exposed to it.
That has to be presented to me because I can't figure it out myself.
I want to, and I think in terms...
All I have to do now is meditate a little longer in the morning.
Maybe read a little bit.
Maybe read a little bit more, see, you know.
Pray a little harder, see.
And make this relationship with God tighter, see.
That doesn't work.
It just does not work.
The reason it doesn't work is because I still have the same disease of the mind.
And when the disease of the mind, meaning my mind, me, is a power,
the second I use it, the very second I use it, I'm back in self.
I'm back in the disease.
I'm back in memory.
I'm back in feelings, ideas.
I'm back in strength, everything.
No more is there anything else in me other than me and my file cabinet where I used to build me in there
and I just pick me out any place I want to.
And I'm doing it.
I can do it today.
I really can do it today.
Just as strong or stronger today than I ever did in my life.
But the only reason I'm saying things like this is that I have to know today, this day,
more than I did yesterday.
And what I have to know more today than I did yesterday,
this comes from a spiritual life.
Spiritual beings, spiritual principles, spiritual thinking.
They've got nothing to do with religion now.
Now what this is, is exactly what the steps are all about.
And when the foreword of the 12x12 talks in there, it says that AA's 12 steps are a group of principles,
spiritual in their nature, which it practices in the way that life will expel the obsession of drinking
and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole.
That's the bottom line.
That's what AA is all about now.
But to actually live this or have this, when the hell would I do this?
See?
When will I do it?
I used to man for a long time now.
A long time ago.
I couldn't put it together and keep it together probably 10 minutes, 20 minutes, maybe an hour.
All depends what was going on in my life in the day I was in before I lost it.
And when I lost it, I'm referring only to the disease of alcoholism in me,
charging or changing or wanting something different in my day that I'm in.
I can't adjust my thinking.
I just can't adjust my thinking.
I still don't know.
I can't go right into self.
And this character that I brought here is already foreign.
I already formed me a long time ago.
I don't know if any of you guys look at this stuff.
I don't know.
But it's like this.
When I was drunk and I was stupid drunk, fallen down drunk, I meant well.
I really, honest to God, meant well.
I wanted to get on time to go to work.
I wanted to keep my job.
I didn't want to punch anybody out.
I didn't want to get in fights anymore.
I meant well.
But I couldn't do well.
Something always happened.
Something happened to me.
My thought, the power of self.
I went so far and then I went the whole damn distance.
They couldn't stop me from doing nothing.
And I would hurt people when I was drunk.
And here I am now.
I'm sober.
And I've got the same character now.
I get into big arguments, big fights.
This is years ago I'm talking about.
I'm talking about when the alcoholism wasn't created.
I'm talking about before the message.
And I couldn't do anything different sober than I did drunk.
See, that didn't make sense to me.
Because if I'm sober and not drunk, how come I have to do what I do and I don't want to do that?
I mean well.
And I'm sober now.
And I mean well.
Just like I did when I was drunk.
I meant well then too.
How come I can't complete that?
How come I can't finish that out?
How come I go into a day I'm in and I have to get so damn mad, so excited, I get so destroyed,
so destroyed by somebody or something that happens that day.
And it really, truthfully, doesn't have any importance to it.
As far as I was concerned, it didn't.
It might be over a beef or something.
Like that guy next door to me that ran over my flowers.
I wanted to kill him.
I almost killed the guy.
You know, I was intending to kill him.
He ran over some flowers.
And I completely lost it.
You know, I completely lost it.
Man, I just, I was so ashamed of myself.
I was always ashamed.
I was ashamed of myself, you know, afterwards.
I'd go through it first and then I'd get ashamed, you know.
And so this year, this disease, talking about it and describing it as I live my life.
You see, I never once took in consideration or never thought that program recovery is a program recovery now.
Now.
Now means now.
Doesn't mean tomorrow, next week, next month, five years from now.
Doesn't mean that.
It doesn't mean that at all.
See, now this is a message.
And it's a hell of a message to hear.
Because I don't know how many of you guys, I don't know, think in terms of tomorrow going to be a good day because you're going to do something special.
Something good is going to happen tomorrow.
Something you learned today, now you can be well tomorrow.
I don't know how many of you do this.
I do this all the time.
I used to do it all the time.
I would always bone up on things.
Man, I used to go to bed at night and I would study the 12 steps, 12 by 12, big book, Sermon on the Mount.
Dr. Tebow.
All night long.
All damn night.
Never.
And I still do the same thing.
In fact, I did last night even.
I don't sleep.
I don't sleep very much.
So I read.
I read.
I read.
Well, you see, the reading that I do is not for the future.
It's not for tomorrow.
If I read it tonight.
Or when I meditate and pray in the morning.
That isn't for the rest of the day so that I can do as I damn please.
What a sport.
I have to build a character here.
But according to the will of God.
It's not for tomorrow.
It's not for tomorrow.
It's not for tomorrow.
It's not for tomorrow.
It's not for tomorrow.
It's not for tomorrow.
It's not for tomorrow.
And that means now.
Now, this is a message that I'm talking about all the time.
Now, whether you agree with it or not I don't know.
But listen, I have to have this.
And what this means is right now.
Because you see, I'm always getting in trouble.
I'm always getting angry.
Now.
I don't get angry later on tonight.
I get mad and mean and I think bad right now.
So why can't I have the program recovery?
So.
recovery in my life right now. Again, that's what it's all about. That's what the message
is all about. It's about a daily reprieve. Living today, not only living it, but living
the message, the application. I live my life today, instead of living it with alcoholism,
I live it with the program of recovery now. Now that, you know, that don't jive. It didn't
to me a long time ago. But it does now, and it has for a lot of years. Because, you see,
I get in trouble, my disease of alcoholism. I'm here tonight, like, looking at you guys,
see. Now, according to me, see, the power of me, the old me, the way I am when I self-talk,
I can look at you, and I'm telling you, I'll find fault with you. Did you ever do that
at meetings? Do you guys ever do this at meetings? You look at each other and find fault? You
see something, something that you think should be another way, or something like that? Well,
why can't the program recover?
Why can't the program be a program of recovery now? So that I don't have to carry a brain
around, that's loaded, talks to me, tells me things. Why can't I be happy, joyous, and
free of my mind and me? This is what I'm talking about now, in the concept. But now, here's
what it is. The application of the steps, in the order form they're in, starts out in
one. And it says, I admit I'm powerless over alcohol, dash, my life's unmanageable. Now,
here I'm coming now, I'm going to start building a new character, with a program of recovery,
and God. In the day I'm in, today, this day, right now, I can admit that I'm powerless over
alcohol. That means I'll never be able to take another drop of whiskey in my body as
long as I live, because it's a disease of the mind, it's two-fold nature, body and mind.
It says so. It says either one's going to kill me. It says I must hit bottom. And it
says my life's unmanageable, whether I'm drunk or sober, it makes no damn difference. Well,
you see, this is, this is an application now. This means that I don't just realize that I'm
unmanageable. I can read this and then go out in that world out there, and I think in
terms of maybe, maybe the, I don't, I don't want to drink. See, I don't want to drink.
In the beginning, I didn't want to drink. I had too, too, too hard of a history of drunkenness
in hospitals and all that. But the point of it is, is that I didn't have to get wound
up in my head thinking in terms, terms that I could, maybe I could drink again. Maybe
if I did take a few drinks, things would smooth out. Things like this. Well, see, this is
only a beginning now. My life's unmanageable. It means that I'm powerless over alcohol,
dash, my life's unmanageable. It means that I'm powerless over alcohol, dash, my life's
unmanageable. It means that I can't live in the world I'm in because everything about
this world is wrong. It doesn't make any difference if I'm sober or drunk. I still have the same
brain that creates problems, sees problems, and the character building never took place
in me. In other words, I read, I read step one, but after I read it, I went to two. And
then when I went to two, I left one behind me. I didn't take one with me in character,
in character building. I didn't take it with me. And so this here didn't jive. I didn't
jive. So here's I am now, and then I'll call you synonymous, and learning this from the
Sermon on the Mount, that I can do and be somebody today through the application of
steps, because when step two says I came to believe in a power greater than me that will
restore me to sanity, that's right now. I believe in a power greater than me. I call
him Lord. I call him God. Right now. I, this, this Lord, this God that I'm talking about
is, is a relationship I have right now with this here God, right now, from the step two.
The step application right now assures me that God will give me sanity, soundness of
mind. He'll give me all things that I need right now. The character that I am from the
step application, not from the meeting, not from the reading, not from praying on my knees.
I have a relationship with a power that isn't me. Before, you see, I had a relationship
with a power that is me. I'm the one that says get mad, do this, do that. I'm the one
that says if you give meaning to something, you're doing that and not wanting to say the
same thing. I'm the one that says I'm the only one that thinks differently. I know,
I know I'm the only one that thinks differently. No. And at the end I'm getting mad at God
in the day, in the moment, and the day I'm in, and I listen to me and I get in trouble.
See this, this is something now that I had to bring into today's life and keep it in
today's life so I could change and be different. So I could have, like my sponsor had, he had
nine years when I yelled for help, and I thought I had to wait nine years before I get help.
I thought in terms that after maybe 100 meetings, or whatever, or, I've heard as high as five
years, you have to wait five years before you can handle the program. I've heard that. Wouldn't
Wouldn't that be a hell of a note if we had to come here and we had to wait and wait and wait until a time factor says now you can have, this God will come into your life now.
Wouldn't that be something?
But see, it isn't like that because all the wording that comes out of these steps that's already in print, there's nothing I say, it's already there.
And this wording always says the same thing.
And like on page 85, it says I'm not cured of alcoholism, what I really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition.
I can't tie all of this stuff up.
And yet, though, everything is tied up.
Everything in Alcoholics Anonymous, starting up to page, up to 164 in your big book, and from, what is it, in your 12 by 12, which starts on 21 up to 125.
104 pages, 105 pages, okay.
It's always about, that's right, that's right.
It's been a long time ago, I used to get backed up by Ted all the time because if you wanted to know a little bit more, that's it, yeah.
Thank you.
How many words are in the 12 by 12?
There are 146 words and 54 repetitions, comes to a total of 200 words.
200 words.
You know, the thing about this concept that I'm talking about is that,
you know, a long time ago when I got here, I couldn't laugh.
My eyes were on the floor.
I was hurt.
I hit the bottom.
I was in such a mess all the time.
And then as I come to me, it took me two and a half years before I made a beginning at all in just touching it.
And then the message that I'm talking about was not given, was not offered then.
And yet, though, it's being offered all the time right now.
There are many of you here I know that know the message.
And the message is always in print.
It's not your message or my message.
And it's all about Alcoholics Anonymous, why it's even here, why you come to meetings.
I never used to question these things.
Did you ever question yourself why you keep coming to meetings all the time?
I've lived in meetings all these times.
I don't think anybody's went to more than I went to.
But you see, I never knew why I come to meetings.
I never knew the alcoholism disease or what it really is.
I want to be somebody in this world, somebody that doesn't have to fight,
somebody that doesn't have to hurt people, somebody that can go to bed at night.
And feel rested in your mind.
Feel good about what you say and do and think of people.
I want to be like that.
I ask God all the time to help me and to show me and to allow me to have this great power.
According to your will, is it possible?
And so this means exactly the message here in Alcoholics Anonymous
is trying to find a world I can live in and want to live in.
Try to find people, the people that are good people.
And they're all over the place.
You see, when I'm with me in the disease, there ain't no such people.
Everything's a rat race. Everything is against me.
I love you one minute and hate your guts the next minute.
Everything I'm talking about now is no more than a description of alcoholism.
It's about a mind that's already fixed.
It's a mind that's hurt. It says so in the steps.
It says it in Phase 23.
It says it in Step 1 where it says in there, glass in hand, I warmed my mind.
And Step 2 says I'll admit I'm a problem drinker, but in fact I won't admit I'm mentally ill.
You better mentally ill.
I was mentally ill back then and I knew it.
Because nobody behaves like I used to behave.
Nobody does that.
But I did.
And so you see, to talk about things in Alcoholics Anonymous,
why not talk about the things that are going to save your life?
They're going to give something that you can use, you can benefit from,
that you can do something different.
That's what this meeting's about.
Because you see, the application of steps is no more than living the steps
as you live your life today.
That's the application I'm talking about.
Now that sounds kind of far-fetched.
It used to to me a long time, but not now.
You see, if I'm all wrapped up with me,
if I'm listening to me and going to me for information,
for feelings or anything else like that,
I've got a warped brain.
I've got a mind that's distorted. It's perverted.
It goes the wrong way all the time.
It wraps up in the selfie self.
But that's the old character.
Why can't I live in today's world today?
With a power behind me that makes it possible, meaning God,
and a method, meaning the application of the steps
so that I don't have to live like I used to live.
Now this is what steps are about.
I was doing, this weekend, I was doing 4, 5 and 6 real heavy.
And 4, 5 and 6, to me, see, is such an encompassing thing,
deep thing, where you have to go in your mind, thinking and everything else.
Not me.
I mean when I'm trying to help somebody.
Because of the fact that it's hard to see yourself.
I know I never could see me in the day I was in.
Self would never show me.
Because self was always telling me that I'm going to do better,
that I'm all right.
And this, that, there we go.
And I listen to that.
And when I listen to it, I remain who I am.
And I don't want to be like that.
I want something else in me besides what is in me.
I don't want me talking to me.
I don't want my way of figuring things out.
I don't want my mind talking to me and telling me all this here memory stuff
and about yesterdays and how well it's going to be and all that.
I don't want none of that crap.
Why can't I do step two?
And right here, right now, why can't I have an open mind?
You know what an open mind is?
Man, I used to struggle with an open mind for a long, long time.
Because I was a mechanic.
And I'm pretty damn smart.
And I know a great many things.
And I know more than the next guy does.
And all kinds of stuff is going on in my brain, see.
And my brain is so tight and so closed.
And whether I'm right or wrong don't mean no damn difference.
It's so tight, it's so closed, man.
And so this here kind of world that I lived in,
I come here to Alcoholics Anonymous.
And I've got to have an open mind tonight, now.
I've got to.
But how can I?
When my mind won't let go.
It just won't let go.
Because it's me again.
And yet here at Alcoholics Anonymous it says in step two that I must have an open mind.
Truly have an open mind.
I must quit arguing.
I must quit arguing or debating society with the chicken or the egg with life.
Sitting here tonight, how many times now today did you argue with something?
How many times a day did your mind slam shut and stay shut about something?
Where you kept an opinion, a preconceived idea that you've seen somebody
and you still thought the same way about them as you thought yesterday
because yesterday they acted badly so you think today they're still no damn good.
That's a closed mind.
That's a mind that step two says that I can't use no more.
They're teaching me in Alcoholics Anonymous how to live in the day I'm in
so my alcohol isn't going to be treated because I'm applying the step today for my life today.
I'm building a character today.
I'm actually building a character today with God in the program.
And this is an application.
That if I will do what God says to me that I can do with his power, why can't I do it?
The only thing that would ever stop me is me.
And this is important to know because to come to this meeting and then leave this meeting
and have to leave the same way you got here,
to me is pretty dumb.
It's pretty dumb to spend an hour and a half at a meeting
and have to go home and still go home with the same guy you brought here
with no hope and no change, no nothing.
Your same character.
See, I'm talking about me because if I don't change,
I'm going to have to do my life again and again the same way.
My past is always my present.
I'm still walking with me and I'm still walking with my memories
and my mind being closed and all of my defects and everything.
And I can't do anything.
I want to, but I can't.
I used to wonder at times why I get so furiously mad.
I was raging mad inside.
I used to be mad outside and inside.
And then all of a sudden I was mad inside.
And most of the madness I had inside was about me.
About how you treated me or how you abused me or take advantage of me.
How I do so much and you don't do nothing.
I've got a mind that just controls me.
And it controls me everywhere I go.
And all of my affairs.
And I don't know that.
I don't know the disease of alcoholism is on all the time.
If you're a disease, if you're an alcoholic with disease of alcoholism,
if it is not being treated right now, you've got the disease of alcoholism right now.
I don't know if you buy that or not, but I do.
This here has got to be a message to hear.
Because why not find a world that God keeps offering?
Why not find what this program recovery was put here on this earth for?
June 10, 35, when Dr. Bob and Bill got together.
There wasn't any recovery before this.
There was less than 2%.
Imagine that.
Every one of us had to die if it wasn't for Orthodox Anonymous.
We'd have to go insane or just get locked up or die.
All because of what?
Just going to meetings?
Just reading?
Just staying away from the bottle?
That will never work.
It just won't work that way.
Something has to happen.
Something has to be there.
What is it?
What is it?
It's a method of living.
It's a brand new character that I live today.
As I live today, the new character is being built today.
I've been sober a lot of years.
And I still have to be the same today as I've always been.
I have to have the grace of God on me and I have to have the method.
Today, this day, me.
Me, right now.
Years don't count.
They just don't count.
Because the fact of what the disease is, it's the disease of the mind.
It's a mind controlling disease.
It's a mind that will power you.
That will power you and kill you.
That's what this message is about for me.
You know, the step application.
I like to talk about steps.
You know, some of you guys know.
You know, Perry, I know him.
We go up to retreat and I talk about steps, steps, steps.
Application, application.
But you see, that's the way of life.
That's the thing that I live and that's how I live and that's what I do.
When I do that, then the disease is not there.
The recovery program or the new man or God.
As I live it, I do it.
As I live it, I think it, act it, be it.
See, it isn't something for tomorrow.
I can't bone up on nothing tonight.
I can't study that book tonight and go out there and then meet adversity tomorrow.
I can't do that.
It's impossible.
I don't know if you should buy this or not.
I don't know.
But it has to be this way.
Because the disease, when it's on, it's on full blast.
When I get in trouble and if I stay by myself, I got the disease.
That's all I've got.
It only got me.
My track record tells me that.
I don't know if your track record tells you that.
But this has got to be looked at, exposed, and at least be presented with it.
It's like food.
You present the food.
You will get no benefit looking at the food until you eat it.
This is spiritual life.
This is a spiritual message that I'm talking about.
By Alcoholics Anonymous, by a power called God, the Lord of my life,
that every one of us, and the bottom line on this is the same thing all the time.
The daily reprieve is contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition.
What's my spiritual condition?
What's step 11 says?
Step 11 says,
Talk through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, as I understood Him,
praying only for the knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.
I grow spiritually daily only by step 11.
Only by prayer and meditation consciously.
Consciously is when?
Every wakeful moment I have.
And this is a message that I'm talking about.
And believe me.
To me, this isn't hard to do.
It's hard to keep doing.
But it isn't hard.
It isn't something that you have to study for.
It isn't something that you have to find to be unique in some way or another to make it happen.
It's for each and every one of us.
There's only one set of steps.
Twelve of them.
For every one of us.
Regardless of who we are.
From one to the other.
It doesn't make no difference.
So why would that be like that?
Why would that work?
Why would that treat your alcoholism and me and you and all of us?
Again, we're all different.
How come?
It's a mind disease.
That's why.
It's a mind disease where a power greater than self has to be there.
This is serious stuff what I'm talking about right now.
Because this is the stuff that I've been scared of.
This is the stuff I didn't want nobody talking about.
I don't want you talking and telling me about how I have to pray and how I have to look at God or call God by name or anything else like that.
I didn't want no part of this at one time.
But there came a time, two and a half years after I come down from the synonymous.
Two and a half years.
Two and a half years of fighting the world.
And the only thing I was fighting was me.
I wasn't fighting the world.
I was fighting a mind that just wouldn't do what I need to do.
And it's all in step application.
Every bit of it is.
That's why step two is so strong in my life to talk about step two.
So that you can qualify and go to three.
So you can make a decision to turn your will and your life over to care of God as you understood him from two.
What does that mean?
What's your will and your life?
That's every damn thing that I ever be.
That's every thought I'll ever have.
That's every performance I'll ever give.
He doesn't want my clothes and my car.
But he wants me in the day I'm in to do his will.
This is why step application treats alcoholism.
Because it treats my mind.
Anybody want to talk?
My name is Dan.
I'm an alcoholic.
Happy birthday Charlie.
Happy birthday Anderson.
Nice to see you guys take cakes.
I've been working like overtime on this.
And it's paying off.
Again and again and again.
I've been here for three years since this meeting started.
Friday I was having a hard time with my job.
And I called somebody who I really look up to.
And he said to me.
You know if you talk shit about the people you're in business with.
If you talk shit about the business.
If you talk shit.
Then that's you're transparent.
And people can see that.
And you're going to walk away.
And they're going to think boy that guy's got a shitty attitude.
And Bob talks about that.
Every Monday night that I've been here.
I've heard him talk about that.
I've heard him talk about people looking for jobs.
And you know you're carrying this stuff around.
And you're dumping it out.
People are going to see that.
They're not going to hire you.
And this man who's not in AA.
He's not sober.
And is like the most well respected person in his field.
In the world.
Who said call me if you need help.
And he said that to me.
And I thought man.
Here it is again.
Here it comes around again.
Tonight before I came here.
Somebody that I work with.
Calls and drops this huge bomb on me.
Of something that happened.
And it was amazing of.
God is or he isn't.
This program of recovery is or it isn't.
And before I fed into.
Oh what am I going to do.
How am I going to do this.
How am I going to do that.
How am I going to do this.
It came up again.
Of you know.
I try to apply the steps in my life.
The best of my ability at all times.
And the natural reaction was.
He is or he isn't.
I mean I get on my hands and knees every day.
And turn my will and my life over to a power.
And then I take it back.
I put too much effort into.
Into what Bob talks about a lot.
That thing of.
Of.
You know you look at somebody.
And you think.
Oh what an.
Look at the way this guy is dressed.
And look at the way this guy is this.
I used to put so much effort into that.
If I put half the effort.
Into that.
It would be.
If I put half the effort.
Into going.
To this.
Talks about.
If I put half the effort.
Into my reading.
If I put half the effort.
And stay out of my brain.
That I put into thinking.
What a huge bag that guy is.
And I don't even know him.
Look at the way he drives.
It's like.
The last.
The last year of this.
Has really stopped.
I can see.
The change in my life.
I can see.
I am.
This.
I'm getting married in two weeks.
And it has been.
It's like.
The most exciting.
Time of my life.
Somebody does.
I have been able.
To form a partnership.
With this woman.
She has never.
Seen me drunk.
She's never.
Seen me.
Act like.
That complete.
Other asshole.
By the grace.
Of God.
And the 12 steps.
Yeah.
She knows.
Going.
Like that.
But I don't.
Say.
But she has.
Seen.
She has.
Seen.
Me.
Drive.
My.
Car.
She has.
Seen.
Me.
Drive.
My.
Car.
And the guy.
In front.
Of me.
A few.
Times.
But.
I mean.
It's.
Just.
It.
Keeps.
Revealing.
Itself.
Of.
How.
All.
These.
Things.
That.
Have.
To.
Do.
With.
That.
Would.
Talk.
And.
I.
Really.
Started.
Applying.
Myself.
And.
I.
Have.
The.
Tape.
With.
Me.
I.
Listen.
To.
The.
Tapes.
All.
The.
Time.
I.
Call.
My.
Sponsor.
Every.
Day.
I.
Have.
To.
Be.
Here.
To.
Be.
In.
The.
World.
I.
Am.
Here.
To.
Be.
In.
My.
Life.
I.
Have.
To.
Be.
Here.
I.
Have.
To.
Be.
In.
The.
World.
To.
Be.
In.
The.
World.
I.
Have.
To.
Be.
Here.
To.
Be.
In.
The.
World.
To.
Be.
In.
My.
Life.
To.
Be.
I.
Have.
To.
Be.
In.
I'm glad to be here
happy birthday Charlie
Anderson you still here?
he was here
I just like what
what I've been hearing tonight
especially about step 7
I just want to share something with you quick
I go to a new meeting
at
in the Marina Center
in Culver City
and it's a
it's kind of like an Alano club
in that they have three meetings a day there
and I'm having a real
tough time with
I get to watch my alcoholism at this meeting
and I've vowed to myself
and prayed that I won't
I go in there and I start talking to God
because what their format is
it's a step study
and they will share on that step
and except nobody ever sticks to the format
so what I do is I go in
and the first thing
and they do a drunk
you're supposed to share on step 10
and the guy does a drunk a lot
and today the guy did a drunk a lot
for the first half hour
for 20 minutes
28 minutes
and they said
one thing about
and I'm praying the whole time
God help me
please God
and then
and I got myself
and one of the guys I know and work with
he's sitting next to me
and I'm thanking God that he's there
that God put him there for me
to kind of keep my mind in control
and so then the guy
and the guy
the poor guy that was sharing
he also did drugs
and a lot of drugs
a lot of what he was talking about was drugs
so people started to share and ask questions
and he did do about a minute and a half on step 10
and I wanted to ask this guy
my mind told me to ask him
I saw my hand going up
and my mind told me to ask him
if he had done the 20 questions
to see if he was an alcoholic or not
and
and I said
and I got a problem
with a mind that talks to me
and that talks out of control
and it just
more and more it points up to me
how I have to keep checking in with God
during the day
especially when I'm irritated
especially when those little things
when I could be doing the contrary action
because what's step 7 for me
but looking at that guy
and not taking that guy
but taking the opposite action
but doing
going to God
and
I just see this
this in operation
so much more
and thanks Bob
thank you
and it's good I'm an alcoholic
it's good to be here sober
and happy birthday to Charlie
and I'll see you next time
it's amazing how self
my problem is I got to put my two cents in there
and I'm going to put my two cents in
Bob's talking and I'm listening to Bob talking
and it's like the message is like right now
and you know what my brain's telling me
I don't like what Charlie said
Charlie's giving Bob credit
for my
stuff
for my stuff
for my stuff
for my stuff
for my stuff
for my stuff
for my stuff
for my stuff
for my stuff
for my stuff
for my stuff
that's my 10 items
he's got his own sours
but I'll steal everything that he's got
I really will
untreated alcoholism
God is the Lord of my life
and the day that I'm in
steal it all
this is a good one
this is a good one
this is a good way to live
and it's become a way of life for me
I was riding in a car with a guy today
and I guess guys have started
nicknaming me the hammer
because I'm riding with this guy
and we're talking
and he's saying things to me
about self
and the other side of it
and he's saying things to me
about self
and the importance of self
and the day I don't attack you
because the message is from me
I don't give a damn what you're saying
if it doesn't have anything to do with this application
I start talking about this application for me
because I have to
it's a way of life for me
and he was talking about self
and I said that's alright for you
but can you answer this question for me
why does step two say I have to have a power
greater than self
why do I have to have a power other than self
if self is self sufficient
I can't go with self
self is alcoholism
that's who self is in me
it is absolutely alcoholism
in the day that I'm in
and riding with this guy
I'm looking in a mirror see
and without this application
I grab him by the throat
and I start choking him
see because I hear more today
see I got a real quick mind
and I hear you
and on the street they say
this is what they say on the street
this fucker is working me
he's playing me
and I know he's playing me
and I don't get played because I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
I'm the man
this fucker is working me
this is what I do without this application
I really do this
I do it in mind
and I will do it
and I will say something
and I will hurt this guy
deliberately
I'll hurt him intentionally
because I hear you being sarcastic
I hear that shit
and I'm going to show you
you don't do that to me
because I'm the man
I got the application
and it didn't happen like that
it absolutely did not happen like that
Bob made me aware of something
you don't have the power
but I can give you the power
I can give you the power
to disturb me
in my brain
anytime I stop associating my life to God
at any moment
any instant
that I stop
the application
of the principles
in the 12 steps
to my life
in the now
in that instance
you got the power
and I got out of this car with this guy
and I was able to say
dude thank you for the ride
and he says to me
man I'm going to take some of that stuff
that you were talking about
I'm going to start using some of that
whether he does or not
it isn't important
I have to take it
I have to use it
I have to use it for my life
I'm grateful for this way
I'm grateful that I was made aware
of this way of life
to know that I can go to God
anytime
not the ritualistic God
but to really have a conscious contact with God
right now
see this way
is not an option
for me
leading in the day that I'm in
isn't an option
see
going to God
isn't an option
it's a necessity
it is an absolute necessity
for me
to live
in the day that I'm in
and to be the man that God wants me to be
and I do that
I do that a whole lot of days in the now
right now
and I'm grateful to you Bob
for this way and this application
and the men in this room tonight
thank you for letting me share a little bit
you know what Dan was talking about
what Perry's talking about is that
what Perry's talking about is
something that a long time ago
couldn't hear this or couldn't get it
and yet though
it's there for each and every one of us see
and it comes through the application of the steps
now what I'm talking about is step two
and
what Dan was talking about too there
see is that
I have
I have to believe in something other than self
I must have to
I've got to
every one of us has to do this now
whether you agree with it or not is not important
what's important though is to recognize something
and why this step is in the second position
logically in the second position
the first step is there because of alcohol
and then because of the unmanageable life
but the second step
building the character
when it says in there I must have an open mind
I must quit debating
see so
when
when I got here I didn't realize
the second and step two it says
I came to believe in a power greater than me or he stopped me this Sunday
I don't know what a power means
I don't know the word power
I know the word power
by riding motorcycles
hill climbing
and fighting
and strength
and horse power
and all that kind of crap
but I don't know what the power they're talking about
in reference to my life
because I self-talk
now self-talking is not thinking
thinking is involuntary
thinking is going on whether I'm sleeping or awake
doesn't mean that they're
it's like my heart beating
see I can't tell it to stop
but I can tell my mind
by talking to my mind
and by listening to my mind
what it says and everything else
it's a power
but you see I still can't identify that
I still can't do this
the reason I can't do it is because I don't have the power
to do that
and I don't
I don't couple this thing up now
self-talking
see
is something I should never do
because it's coming from the wrong source of supply
it's coming from a mind that's injured
it's coming from a power that's me
it's coming from the very same thing
that I used to drink over and live with
it's still the same way
when I'm sober
because it's me
and this year I cannot get this across to me
because I mean well
and I want to do well
and I think I'm doing well
I'm going to do well
I think maybe I just have to bone up
or just study
or play more or something like that
that isn't what it is at all
so to talk about this stuff here
in Alcoholics Anonymous
at this meeting here
at least to be presented with a mind
so that maybe you can look and see yourself
to look at yourself
be exposed to yourself
so that in the day you're in
this day today
whatever's going down
it's only going down in the second you're in
so if you can do something different
why not do something different
but you have to have the power that makes it different
self-talking won't get us
self-talking is an authority
it's the main man
what you were talking about
Perry was talking about
I'm the main man
in other words
I'm the one that thinks and acts according to my will
about life about everything
and yet those steps too says in principle
as I build my life today
and I build my character today
I can have an open mind
I can quit arguing
I can have a power greater than me
I can talk to this power
because it's a power that can do something I can't do
and it says I'm gonna come to believe in that power
how the hell would you believe in something
if you stay with what you got
you can't
I talk to me
I believe in me
I talk to God
I believe in God
because this is a way of life
that shows me it's self-evident
that when I talk to something other than me
I have better results
I have better days
things look better
everything looks better
I even ask God how to read
I ask God all the time how to read
today, this day
because I can read more
I have the same reading I did yesterday and yesterday years
and it's the same reading
how come I can get more out of it
Jesus I've read it for so many years
shouldn't I be able to read that
no I don't
because it's spiritual life
it's a spiritual life
there's something that I need to know today
that God will present it today
because I'm God conscious today
God conscious today
instead of being self-conscious
which is the application of step two and three
when I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to God
that's your God consciousness now
instead of self-consciousness
but that's an application
that isn't a thinking thing
a talking thing
that ain't word things
that's a living thing
that's a living thing today
but I'm guaranteed
I'm backed up
my Heavenly Father is taking care of me right now
no harm will come to me
this is the thing that saved my life
we were talking before
about this way of life
when you go to a hospital
you guys know
some of you know
how bad off I was
and how seriously I was hurt
and I'm gonna die
and everything's there
you won't think for one minute
I talk to me
and he says
yeah you're gonna die
but I would probably die
because that's the way it is
but instead of that
no my Heavenly Father said
no stay with me
trust me
pray to me
and be with me
I'll strengthen you
I'll guide you
I'll take care of you
that's step application
that ain't church application
I'm not preaching
I'm not talking
I get on my knees
and I pray to God
I have a living God
a God consciousness
a God powered person in my
because I relate my life
to him through the steps
man I'll tell you
this is one hell of a message
because left up to me
I'm like you
I couldn't do a damn thing
I'd have to fight again
and struggle again
take defeat again
lose again
I don't want to lose
I want to win
I want to win in the day of men
I mean my life
I don't need money
or possessions
I want to have exactly
what I want
I don't need money
or possessions
I want to have
exactly
what I want
what I know
is here to have
because I've had it
for so damn long now
and it's no more
than the will of God
the grace of God
and the day I'm in
so I don't have to run to me
and run to my fears
and my resentments
and my yesterdays
I don't need to
I can stay in the day to day
because I live today
and the character
that I am today
is based on that
how about somebody else
you know it's so funny
because you know
when you
I said I'm Nadir
I'm an alcoholic
I mean
I don't know what alcohol is
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
it's so funny
because
I was just
like
looking at this book
and at the bottom
of that page 25
it says that
if you are
as seriously
alcoholic
as we were
we believe
that there is no more
of the road solution
we are in a position
in which life
is impossible
and we have passed
the line
from which
there is no return
to human aid
we have
but two alternatives
one was to go on
to the bitter end
blotting out
the consciousness
of an intolerable
situation
as best as we could
or other way
to exhibit
spiritual
health
you know
and that doesn't mean
that well you drink it
that means
I think
that means
that well you are sober
because I really know
that I can just
go on
and just
and just
and being sober
being that you know
lovable
spiritual
make believe
life you know
because
it's an amazing thing
because you know
seven months
heaven is where
God's presence
is you know
and
I've tasted that money
I really know
what it's like
to be in that state
in that state
of grace
you know
and the self
that
the self
this isn't so strong
you know
I've been
I don't
I am the problem
you know
Baba would say
you think you are
a problem people
you say
if that's your problem
go take care of it
you are another
in five minutes
you know
that's the start of my life
and you know
so I am at that road
that is so narrow
now
that I really care
for it
being with self
I really care
because the self
my wisdom
is getting so strong
as I'm getting
as I'm staying sober
for this long
that you know
as
if I turn to it
that's gonna
kill people
I mean
I've been moving
you know
last week
you know
Monday
I had kidney stones
I took it to the hospital
I was in pain
and then on
I went with self
I have no idea
how did it happen
I was moving
and you know
this thing was really heavy
it's frigid
we didn't go in
I had these two puny guys
it was my fault
to hide in the first place
and then
these neighbors
were standing there
talking
not helping me
don't you know
don't help me
you know
they had the same face
right
and I thought
they were just
throwing against me
I really did
I mean
I became a Gestapo
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
my
your
I
the
the
out
the
the
the
me
My blood pressure is down.
Really, my heartbeat is down.
Things are manageable.
You know, I love that.
I like that serenity that I've known.
And that self comes and I want to heal everything.
That self-destructive self.
And that's an amazing thing.
I've been doing, I mean, I've been trying to do this way of life for a long time, you know.
And self hops right in.
And here we are.
Let me take care of everything.
You know, and the result is always the same.
The result is always confusion.
Because I'm a producer of confusion.
I really am.
I mean, I pray, I say, God, you know, let me bring harmony when there is discord.
Let me bring love when there is hatred.
I really, that's my favorite prayer of all time.
Because I know who I am.
I'm the creator of confusion.
I'm the director that the book talks about.
You know.
I want to just, just, just put you in here, here, here, here.
And if you move, I'm going to slap you.
You know.
I put you down.
And we say, if you're as seriously alcoholic as we are.
Because I am a very seriously alcoholic.
I know that as a fact today.
You know.
And I love when Bob says, here now.
He always say that.
Here now.
There's now.
You know.
People say, you see.
You know.
You know.
You know.
He says, here now.
Here now.
I don't know if you notice that.
But I've noticed that in love.
Because when we talk, he says, here now.
You know.
And I don't know if he knows.
Because it's now.
And God is so beautiful to be in now.
You know.
I'm going to the lady's house tonight.
I'm going to buy some flowers and cards.
I really am going to apologize.
Because, because, you know, this is not me.
I mean, I can't hear it to anybody.
Because my tongue is my weapon.
And I didn't know I had that much rage in me.
I really didn't know I had that much rage in me.
And this really scared me.
Really scared me.
Because I can't do it.
I really can't.
I mean, that complete surrender that, you know, he talks about.
It's like on a daily basis.
It's like this cloud that creates so many drops.
Each drop, each day, has to drop in the ocean and dissolve in the whole thing.
You know, that's the complete surrender that I have to do.
Because I don't know if you are serious.
Seriously.
I don't know if you are as alcoholic as I am, because I am cunning, battering, unpowerful.
I really am.
And that really scared the shit out of me.
You know, once again, it goes right out the door.
You guys can do it.
Yes, sir.
All right.
You know, we were talking before about the choice, you know, like what Perry was talking about.
You know, for a long time, I had to hear this here more than once a lot of times.
And as an alcoholic with alcoholism, I don't have a choice.
There is no such thing as a choice.
Because I used to look at this as a choice all the time.
The steps, the application, the way of life, and praying, God, and everything else like that.
And I was picking choose, and I was figuring out I have a choice to do this, see.
And I didn't realize exactly what this choice is.
See, I don't have a choice.
In other words, if there was an AA, like here's an alcoholic synonymous, and there's another program over here that does something different,
that would be a choice.
That would be a choice.
That would be a choice.
That would be a choice.
Either I can go here or I can go there.
But I don't have a choice about myself.
I'm already who I am.
I'm already fixed.
I'm already the alcoholic with alcoholism.
Either I do this or I die.
That's not a choice.
That isn't.
And so to have this here message delivered, it means only this, that at least look at it.
If you're an alcoholic with alcoholism, if you're here because of your life, what you came from, at least look at it.
At least.
At least let it be presented to you to see if you're the same man sober as you were drunk.
If you still treat your gals, your friends, your family, or anybody the same way.
If you've got a mind that looks at them viciously, that you can turn on like a rattlesnake,
man, I'll tell you, this is the time to look at the thing, to see something, to identify it.
Because alcoholism isn't in a bottle.
It's in a mind.
And I never heard this.
Just my girl.
Okay.
Hi, Ken, I'm an alcoholic.
Thank you.
Thank you, Ken.
Gosh, I've been hearing this message for a year now.
Thank you.
God, this is, I was sitting back there thinking about all the different,
things I accomplished in life, all the different struggles that, you know,
I never ran across anything that this message is to hear.
I mean, I mean, I thought, you know, I earned a college degree, a BA in, you know,
I thought that was hell and, but this is the hardest damn thing I ever had to deal with in my life.
I mean, I know about myself.
I know about myself.
I know about myself.
I know about myself.
I know about myself.
I mean, my father, we did a clutch job in the rain, you know, pouring down rain.
And I thought that was something.
But when his burn was over, you know, the same with the college.
I had the papers.
That's over. That's over. Look, I can come here tonight, and after I leave here, it's not over.
You know, I can't, uh, I can't, I can't perform like I always wanted to perform.
And, you know, I've been trying to work this thing as best I can, and recently I've taken a vacation, you know.
And some days I feel that, like, look, I can't walk and chew gum at the same time, so.
And what I mean is, some days I feel bombarded with, uh, the fact that I can't work.
I'm trying to talk to God and, and walk out of my place where I live, and, and it's, it's hard.
It's the hardest thing I ever did in my life, man.
You know, I, I come from a strong family.
I'm a strong, you know, ego and a maniac.
And everything was taught to me to be this kind of man, you know.
I was taught to be, you know, egotistical like that.
And, and it's hard to break it down.
I'm trying my best.
And, you know, today, today I was in cell all day.
I said, I ain't talking to nobody.
You know.
And that's what I had to do, you know.
I didn't want to be that way, but I was, I wanted to just tell God, I need a break, you know.
I just need to relax because for me, for me to change and talk to God every day and all day, that's a job.
I don't need to get paid for that.
.
I don't know about nobody else.
That's, that's a full-time job.
That's a full-time job.
You should get benefits and everything.
I don't, I don't know what I'm saying.
It sounds very profound.
It's something secret.
It's something secret that you guys are laughing at.
.
But, man, this is a job.
And all I know is, you know, I wanted to stay home and watch the football game.
And I said, fuck.
You know, I got the, I got the, the fact that I didn't even want to talk to nobody today, another human being, is the reason I had to leave the football game and come down here.
Because I know I don't have it.
I know I don't have it.
And I need, I need more.
And I need to hear it more, Bob.
And I'm thankful you're here.
Thank you.
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And you know, the concept that he's talking about, that kid he's talking about, is the thing that I'm trying to drive home all the time.
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loving to people today not by my power not by me as the old me not by who i brought here but by the
new character i can do this i really can do it i can show love i can see things today i couldn't
see yesterday now you see i had the ability one time to try to stop me from getting mad at you
because i want to be i want to be right but after a while i can't do that i still gotta get mad
because you do it too many times you do it too often and i lose it how about living so i don't
see it the first time how about that that's exactly what i do i don't feed me by me i don't
i don't i don't have a foul cabinet no more that i go into i keep this life that i got going today
only by the grace of god doing his will meaning the step application meaning principles
so i'm not loaded with me i don't have to kick out my brain kick this out
you
Don't do this. Don't do that. I used to do that. I used to live like that. You don't have to live like that. I'll guarantee it. I'll give it to you in writing and sign it. This is a way of life for each and every one of us because it's still only 12 steps that treats every one of us as we live in that world out there, even though we're different.
So what is it? It's a way of life. It's a new character. You're not living with the old character. You're not doing your thing like Ken's trying to do. Ken's doing what I used to try to do. He's trying to make deals. He's trying to do this, trying to do that. All he has to do is go into the grace of God, and then his mind will see only what the grace of God presents.
Not his yesterdays, not his adversities of any kind or anything like that. No, no. It wouldn't work.
It wouldn't work. In praying, let me tell you, I'm not talking about praying on your knees. You have to do that, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about a mind function that isn't driven by self. A mind that doesn't talk to self. A mind that doesn't see from yesterday. A mind that doesn't go into the future. A mind that lives in the day that I'm in. Doing what I should do today for my life. When it's your life, you'll do the same thing for your life, not for mine.
So this is a message. Now this is something serious.
Because why keep coming to meetings and suffer? Why go into depression, resentments, memories, hurts and harms? Yesterday's crap. Man, I can't live like that. I don't live like that. I want to see something today and be somebody today that I know damn well my Heavenly Father says I'll reward you today. Just stay with me.
And the world I live in now is a good world. Good people. People that really love me. Really take care of me. Really are concerned about me.
Man, that's beautiful. I'll tell you.
Yeah.
Hey, Reggie, I'll call it.
Hi, Reggie.
And my life is, it seems to be changing so quickly and rapidly where I hear God talk about, you know, ask God to give me the words.
I don't ask my words, but to give me the words.
And when I'm reading, you know, that I could comprehend, you know, and when I'm listening so I can hear, you know, and not leave the room, you know, and spend the whole hour and a half here.
Because there's obviously something here, and if I'm thinking about something else or leave the room, then I'm going to miss what it is that I came here for.
And, you know, it's everything.
You know, it's just how I visualize, you know.
Where I am in my life, you know.
And when I go into my head, you know, it's when I go to myself.
And so I try to just isolate that.
And I go there.
You know, and I heard someone talk about, you know, loving with your heart, you know.
So I visualize that, you know.
And when I'm sharing or when I'm interacting with someone else, if I feel, you know, I can visualize, you know, an expression that was coming from my heart, you know.
And then it's genuine and there's something there, you know.
It's not a self.
It's a self-driven situation.
I was sharing with a guy over at this place this morning, you know.
And I said something and, you know, he said, I actually got goose pimples, you know.
And I said, I did too, you know.
And it just, I can't explain that.
It's just a tremendous feeling.
And I've been getting a lot of that lately.
And, you know, and it's just, whether it's awareness or whatever, it's very penetrating and experiential.
And, you know.
I'm happy, you know, it's getting closer, finding myself, you know, tremendously good company, you know, and spending a lot of time, you know, with God in my day where, you know, before, you know, it was a very short period, you know, if at all.
And that, you know, anything that does come in my life, you know, when I'm working for that company.
And staying there, all of those things present themselves, you know.
I'll have the things that are meant for me to be, you know, in my life.
And it's sort of a sketch, you know.
I won't have the defect character in short times if I'm living with those truths in my life, you know.
If I'm being the person that I happen to be today and being honest in all my affairs, I won't come up short, you know, where I've come up short in the past.
And I won't be enduring with these defects.
I won't be enduring with these merits of character, you know, if I, you know, accept the, you know, who I am, you know, and that I need this God, this power in my life, you know, to be my driver, you know.
And, you know, it's just a lot better than I ever thought I could have.
And I'm going to get that.
Yeah.
My name is Bernard.
I'm an alcoholic.
Hi.
Hi.
And, Ken, I absolutely.
I absolutely identify with what you said about this being the most difficult desertion in my entire life, spiritual transformation of me.
But I would respectfully argue I consult two benchmarks.
And these benchmarks are exercises in optimism.
And I'll be very specific.
When I call the embodiment of serenity and patience, and to sponsor me, that's what it is.
And whale.
And bemoan the present.
I'm reminded of two undeniable facts.
That with two years of sobriety, when fear has a grip on my throat and my viscera, I simply have to return to the person I was two years ago and see there has been, it's been slow, glacial, incremental, almost not possible to measure.
But there has been.
But there has been progress.
So, I mean, that's undeniable.
There has been progress.
That's not.
Even Ted confirms that's not an exercise in self-dementia.
And the same thing with frustration.
When I am frustrated, Ted reminds me of those instances not only where, recently, I have failed in attempting to demonstrate a new character.
But in those instances where I have succeeded.
And I had previously never succeeded at being decent, kind, moral, ethical, almost equally as concerned with your interests or welfare as my own.
That was a modus operandi which was not alive in my life at all.
So, let me conclude by saying this.
I will remain trudging this path, though.
Yes, sometimes it is truly.
Truly a recipe for insanity.
Because I am on a journey.
I am effecting a measurable progress.
And I have to believe if I continue this journey that my progress will continue.
My life will improve.
And ultimately I will have a life that is not always but fundamentally happy, joyous and free.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yes, it's for both, men and women, and we encourage you to tell your friends.
Bring your friends along.
Bring everyone along.
Thank you very much.
I've got a couple more.
These chairs go on the racks out in the hallway.
We need a volunteer.
We need someone to help set this meeting up every Monday evening.
What it is is you come in at about 7 o'clock and put the chairs, rack the chairs up or put the chairs out.
Is there anyone wanting to take that commitment?
Please, Richard, I'm going to have to call it because I only have, like, 65 days.
Mr. Gregory, please.
Oh, excuse me.
Walt.
Walt's not the one.
Oh, Walt.
Walt said I didn't have a meeting for next Monday.
I hope to have an incremental retreat, and about four or five Mondays should be caught up.
Okay, this is a kid's play school during the day.
We need someone to pick up the cigarette with ends outside out here.
I'll see a volunteer.
Okay, Gino's caught up.
Well, I'm going to be out of town for the next three weeks.
Who are you?
I'm Randy.
I am an alcoholic.
Is there anybody that can make coffee for the next three weeks?
Does anyone can come in at 7 o'clock, set up the coffee for three weeks only, interim coffee person?
Is it going to be three weeks?
No, you're going to bring it.
You take it home and bring it back.
That's good.
Okay, I'll cancel my trip.
Sorry.
Thank you.
There won't be any coffee.
It's as simple as that.
Coffee?
Coffee.
Thank you.
All right.
All right.
Well, another thing.
Who's taking care of the gate?
What's that?
Mike's taking care of the gate.
Okay.
Sorry about the other thing.
Who's taking care of the gate?
Somehow I can't find it.
I can't do that.
I have a meeting.
If you get locked in, I've got the key to the gate.
Ted's got the key to the gate.
Who's going to be?
Who's locking it up at the end of the night?
It's not being locked.
Okay.
As far as I know.
That's all I've got.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Happy birthday to the two birthday guys.
And thanks for being here tonight.
And after a moment of meditation, we'll close the awards fair.
Thank you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to all of you.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Happy Christmas to you.
Merry Christmas to you.
Merry Christmas to you.
Merry Christmas to you.
Merry Christmas to you.
Merry Christmas to you.
Merry Christmas.
and violence is evil, and the power and the control of the government are in it.
Keep going.