Prayed for Higher Power to Put Somebody Special in My Life and Got John — Guess I Should Have Been More Specific 🤦 – Steve F.

My name is Steve Farnsworth. I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is June 18, 1989. And I did not get that sobriety date because I had a desire to stop drinking. I got that date because the United States Navy had a desire for me to stop drinking. They didn't like the way I was showing up to fly their airplanes. My reaction to that was, these people are taking themselves way too serious. And so I live in Amherst, Massachusetts. It's kind of a long story as to how I got there. But there I am. And I am from New England originally anyways. But I spent 15 years prior to my current tour of duty in Amherst. I spent 15 years in Baltimore. And I've been bouncing around a lot. My sponsor, he says, Steve, you make a good fighter pilot. It's hard to hit a moving target. My sponsor is the big shot over there. Somebody called him a big shot before the meeting. I don't know why. I know why. He was a big shot in my mind. Anyways, on the way down here he said, what are you going to talk about, Steve? And I said, well, I think what I'm going to try to do is just share my perception of my experience in a general way. What it used to be like, how I got here, and what it's been like since with one primary hope. And that is that if there's anybody in the room who's interested in this, I'm going to tell you what I've been doing. And the idea is that if there's anybody in that room that's not feeling the joy and not feeling the beauty that's available to them and Alcoholics Anonymous, and in this journey, this way of life of God-dependence through service to others, then maybe they can hear past my words when they hear my heart. And my heart wants to tell them that they're missing the whole point. If you're not feeling the joy that is in these rooms, in this thing we call life, through God-dependence through service to others, you are missing the whole point. If you are here to just stay sober, I'm glad you're here. But it's a very small part of what we're about. Very small. Because if the solution for a guy like me was just don't drink and go to meetings, then I would not need to still be going to meetings and spending time with my brothers and my sisters like you 22 plus years later. Right? Because the honest to God's truth is, back in June of 1989, the compulsion to drink left me. Right? Because the honest to God's truth is, back in June of 1989, the compulsion to drink left me. Right? Because the honest to God's truth is, back in June of 1989, the compulsion to drink left me. And it has not come back. You know, I, when the Navy said that you were either going to go to rehab or you were going to be no longer flying our airplanes, I took them seriously. And they sent me to see a command alcohol abuse counselor. And I'd like to think that that was the first time that I was ever presented with another human being who was a man of faith. Right? Right. Right? Well, he was a man of faith, and he was probably from Havana. He was another human being who seemed to be armed with the facts of his life. And, and he was not a member of AA. He was an active member of Al-Anon. And where everywhere in my life I had, I was being completely faced with people who were pointing, or seemed to be pointing and yelling, but they were probably just talking, but they were pointing and yelling saying, what is wrong with you? You have so much potential. Look at you. If you just do this, you are going to harm your family. If you just do that, you're going to hurt your family. But I'm not coming in and taking you with me. I have been fighting because of that and it's been a while. I mean, I haven't actually done anything like that. faced with people who were pointing, or seemed to be pointing and yelling, but they were probably just talking, but they were pointing and yelling, saying, what is wrong with you? You have so much potential. Look at you. If you just do this, if you just do that, get it together, Steve. What's going on? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You might as well met Charlie Brown's teacher. And this man didn't do that. He said, he opened the door and he invited me into his office. He shook my hand and he looked me in the eye. He didn't look over my shoulder to see who more important was coming in. He didn't care who else saw him treating me like a man with respect and dignity. And he offered me a cup of coffee and he sat down and he started sharing with me in a general way what it used to be like and how he got here and what it's been like since for him. And I thought he was telling my story, but he was obviously not. But one thing I knew when that interaction was over was that whatever this man told me to do, I was going to do. And that doesn't necessarily mean I wasn't going to put up a little bit of a protest. But he told me that I was going to have to go to a six-week inpatient rehab in Jacksonville, Florida. I was living in Brunswick, Maine at the time. I liked the idea of going to Florida, but I wasn't really all that crazy about the rehab part. And I was an expert in Alcoholics Anonymous at this point because I went to one meeting about a year ago, a year before that. And I was like, can I go to those classes? Because I know all about those, right? Because I went to that one class, that one noon AA meeting. And to give you an idea how completely delusional I was, I was about 27 years old, a couple, two or three years indoctrinated into the military. I had the haircut, I had the attitude, I had the look, and I'm on a military base on a workday at noon at the chapel, but I brought civilian clothes because I didn't want anybody to know that I was in the military. I was going incognito, right? And I went into this room and it was a circle and all the people were circled at the perimeter of the room and I couldn't hear anything that was going on, but I knew some things. I looked at the steps on the wall and I had those done in a second. And I really didn't have a problem with the God thing. I hear that a lot because I knew that there was something that was going to have to be bigger than human. I didn't have the words to put it. But I knew inside my heart there was going to be something bigger than everything else I've been offered. But I knew that this lady that was chairing the meeting was obviously the president of AA, at least for the state of Maine. And the basket that we were passing was her travel expenses. And so I didn't need to ask any questions because I already had all the answers. And the lesson in that little story is that even 22 years later, at 51 years old, I pray that I never, ever, ever think I have all the answers again because it almost killed me. Now I believe very strongly in the experience that I've had in Alcoholics Anonymous that has given me a life beyond my wildest dreams. But I also have a long history of being delusional. And by definition that means I don't know a minute when a minute. And I've also been around long enough to know that this whole room can be in one hundred percent. complete agreement to be shared in the same delusion. And so my point is I always want to remember that even though I feel strongly about what I'm doing, I have an incredible passion for God and for helping others. And I am acutely aware of the importance and the vital importance of you in my life. I don't ever want to forget. I know that sometimes that passion might come across as righteousness. And I want to make sure that, not necessarily that you know that that's not what I mean, but I want to make sure you know that I know that that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm not trying to be right. I'm just trying to share to the best of my ability the way I see things today and the way I've seen things for a while. But I could be completely delusional and I'm okay with that. I want to continue to grow. I don't want to ever get closed minded and have all the answers. So because I had all the answers at that particular meeting, I had to drink myself almost into oblivion and almost into a deep slumber. And I was in a state of death, at least a walking death for another year before the Navy said, you're either going to stop or you're going to not fly our airplanes. And that's when I went to this counselor and he said, no, I think you need to do this six week rehab. And I went to this rehab in Jacksonville and I went through, I experienced a little bit of DTs, which I had never really experienced before. But the thing that got my attention the most, I think, from my experience in rehab was, when I was in high school, I was living out in the suburb of Chicago and I had a, there was a period, I want to say it was a summer, but it was more like a summer plus a couple months on both ends. You know, like the end of one year, the beginning of another school year I'm talking about, when I was about 15, 16 years old. And I had these really awesome friends and they introduced me to a lifestyle of being able to go on a lot of vacations or a lot of trips. And I was able to do that without leaving my room, if you know what I mean. And I know nobody else in the room is like this, but I like to, I'm kind of excessive with things that feel good. And I know you might not be able to understand that, but anyways, so I did it a lot, a lot to where I was having like flashbacks for years. And I like those flashbacks. I'm not complaining. But anyways, my point is, is that I knew what it was like to go on a trip. But I like to go on trips that I signed up for. You know, and when I got to rehab and I started realizing what the drink was doing to me, I knew that this drink was taking me on a trip that I didn't sign up for. You know, it was doing something to my mind, the way I saw the world that scared me. It got my attention kind of like, you know, like a hot stove. It's like, okay, I see it, but I'm not going to touch it, you know. I left rehab with an absolute certainty that there were people on this planet that could drink safely, and I was not one of them. And I was okay with that. Now, the problem is, is I came back to Maine to go back to work, and my commanding officer, all my friends, my mother, who was sober for four months in AA at the time, my sister, who was two years sober in AA at the time, all under the belief that if you just don't drink and go to meetings, you'll be okay. So I think I'm in good shape because not only am I not drinking, I don't want to drink, you know, because I got the, you know. And they told me, you know, I'm not going to drink. They told me that in order to ensure that you don't have to drink again, that you just have to keep going to these meetings, you know, praying and ask for help. Well, I didn't have a problem with the praying part as long as nobody was looking. But I, you know, but I, so I go to these meetings. And I don't know if I, I don't know. I don't know what I thought was going to happen. But what I know today is there's a pamphlet in Alcoholics Anonymous. It's called, it's called Members I View. And in this pamphlet, it states that if all you're doing is going to meetings and not drinking and waiting for something to rub off, the only thing that rubs off is rigor mortis and death. And I did not get a copy of that pamphlet, nor would I have been able to read it if I did, because I was at a state where I had committee meetings going on in my head that didn't let me get a word in. So I could read the same thing ten times over and I could not tell you what I read, you know. I could recite like an educated man, yet I could not tell you what I just read. I couldn't comprehend if you had, you know, withhold that information. So anyways, so I, but I didn't know. I didn't know. So I just kept going to meetings and I'm hanging on. And I'm getting crazy, you know, real crazy. Going to meetings just not drinking. And I'm joining every group you can think of. I'm in every 12-step program you can imagine. I'm in every therapy you can imagine. I've got a book full of self-help books. I can't read a single one of them, but I've got a book full of them. I mean a bookshelf full of them. My sponsor says I've got a bookshelf full of self-help books. And I stayed drunk, but I got one help others book and I got sober. But anyways, trying everything. We're beating drums. We're getting in touch with our inner child. We're, you know, Tom says every time I got drunk that little bastard got drunk too. And, you know, I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. You know, I'm healing the father-son wounds and, you know, trying to look to see whose fault this is. And you name it, I was doing it. And because I wasn't getting anything in AA. Nothing. I was getting, you know, a bunch of Charlie Brown's teachers. That's all I was getting. And, you know, the thing about these open discussion meetings that I was attending, you know, not only am I not listening to anybody else that's sharing because I'm thinking about what am I going to say when it's my turn. You know, so I can go be a parrot, right? And, you know, when you parrot things, you get the life of a parrot. You get to live in a cage. But I, but then when it's my turn to think, I'm going to, you know, puke and whatever. And then once I stop talking, all I can think about is what I should have said, you know, or what I wished I said. Right? And, you know, so, and it appeared to me that's what everybody else is doing too. So basically, you know, I haven't examined any of my experience. So I'm basically sitting in an open discussion meeting, which is nothing short of the uninformed talking to the uninterested. You know? And, you know, that effect's going absolutely nowhere. You know? So guess what? I'm not working hard. I'm not working. I'm not getting, I'm already a year behind what I'm supposed to be doing in my job when they put me in rehab. Now I'm getting sicker just going to meetings and not drinking. The Navy's like, hey, you know, we, we, we have a lot of people. We thought we fixed you by giving you six weeks of rehab. You know, what's the problem? I'm like, I don't know, but I'm more insane now than I was back then. I could probably do a better job drunk than sober. And so I voluntarily terminated my flight status before they took it away from me because I basically was trying to make sure that I, I knew that I was getting out of the Navy one way or another. And I knew it was either, you know, I needed to pull them. I also knew that another, the non-operable discharge was not something you wanted to pull. Right? The non-operable discharge was not something you wanted on your record. And so I needed to pull an honorable out one way or another because I wasn't able to do what I was supposed to do because I couldn't concentrate. And so I got out. Fortunately, I gave a big severance paycheck. And, and then what I did is I, you know, I left Maine because I figured Maine was the problem. It's a bad state. You know what I mean? And I moved down to Maryland, not because I had a draw to Maryland, but because I had a draw to free rent. That's where my mom was. And, and that didn't work. And then one day, it's a Sunday afternoon. About four, about four o'clock in the afternoon, I'm talking to this girl that I went to college with out in Oklahoma. And she's living out in Southern California at the time. And at nine o'clock, five hours later, I'm in my, I'm in my car moving to California. You know, the welcome to California sign should say, this state doesn't work either. But, but, so I go to California. You know, four or five months later, I'm like, okay, you know, this is crazy. I had picked up a wife on the, along the way. Insanity at its best. And not that there's anything wrong with the institution of marriage. It's just, it's a long story. But whatever. The, so I come back to the East Coast, you know, to face a, a divorce, bankruptcy, foreclosure on my house. You know, the repo man. And I'm like, you know, embarrassed. And I'm like, you know, embarrassing me in the middle of the city taking my truck away. And, or his truck away, I should say. Their truck away. And, and the only thing I had left basically was a car that wasn't worth the towing charges. But I had a new engine in it, so it was dependable. A, I had a pretty much of a kind heart. So I didn't, it wasn't, it wasn't too abrasive. And I had a very well exercised body thanks to the military. Obviously not this body, but that one back then. And, and, and I could get a lot of attention. Particularly in the young people's meetings. Not necessarily attention that was healthy for me or for them. But a lot of attention. And I picked up a nice little promise. Do you already have it? And I don't know if nobody here has ever done anything like that. And, you know, and that whole excessive thing. You know what I mean? And so I knew that my behavior was going to be bad. I knew that my behavior was pretty risky. So I was trying to be very, very careful. And, but, you know, I wish I could win the lottery the way I won this one. But, you know, I had, you know, no STDs or anything like that. And I hit this jackpot. I got this virus that there's no cure for. You know? And, and I go to, and I get this very acute infection. I didn't think it was very acute, but you know what I mean. And, and I get taken to the hospital in an ambulance. On the 4th of July. I'm 6 years sober. Getting the gifts of Step Zero. And, and I go to this doctor. And, you know, he does all his tests and everything else. And I spend about a week in the hospital. He comes back later with some test results. And he tells me the good news. And this is in 1995. And he said, Steve, you will not see the year 2000. And you'll be lucky if you see 98. My mother was in the hospital. My mother was in the room with me. Because I think she already knew what the results were going to be. And so did I. And I knew something was really wrong with me when my reaction to that news was, okay, how do I look concerned? How do I look like that's bad news? You know, because death to me at this point in time looks like relief. You know? But I know that if I, you know, express that, that they're going to think something's even worse. You know what I mean? You know, I didn't, the death itself wasn't the thing that scared me more than the transition. You know, I wasn't really too crazy about that part. But I was like, bring it on. You know what I mean? So anyways, just for the record, it's now 2012. And that virus has been completely undetectable, coincidentally, since I started helping others. And the doctor that told me I was going to die, he died. Now, I'm not celebrating this poor man's death by any means. Because the truth is, in his defense, had I continued on the path I was on, he would have been completely accurate. But I remember when I told my sponsor years later when this, when I got this test results about the, you know, this virus being undetectable, he said, you know, I was expecting him to, you know, fall into the water. And I said, you know, I'm not going to die. You know, fall on the floor and go, oh my God, it's a miracle. And he's like, oh, that shit happens all the time. Not to me it doesn't. I had no bad luck. I didn't have no luck at all. And he told me, he put his finger in my face. That's always a sign that he wants me to listen. And he said, you know, all the scientists had their say and you had your say. The doctor had his say. But God hasn't spoken yet. God gives the last word. And I've seen lots of cases of that. I've seen people with breast cancer and other things like that, that, you know, when they threw themselves hard at the help of others, unbelievable things have happened. But I didn't know that at that time. I don't know if you, you know, anybody here ever been in a car accident? You know, like everything's in slow motion for a minute, you know, like during the accident, you know, like right before you crash, you know. Well, that was like, when I got that news that I was going to die, it was like the next two or three hours of my life. Everything was in slow motion. And I'm looking around at a world around me at all these people going about their business, not even knowing that I exist, let alone knowing how much pain I'm in. It was one of the most loneliest states I've ever been in, you know, being in a world of people completely alone and empty and scared and knowing that I'm going to die and nobody cares. That's what it felt like to me, except my mom. But anyways, so I went down to, back down to Maryland. I was living in Boston when that, when I got when that happened. And I moved back down to Maryland, again, for the free rent. And my mom was thrilled that her 30-something-year-old son was coming home to roost, you know. And so having a tough time getting up and finding motivation to go to work, you know. And I'm draining my mom of every dollar bill, every motion you can imagine, not because I wanted to do that to my mom, because I just knew no other way to live. And I did it to the point where my mom had to put her 30-something-year-old son, six years sober, out. And I wish I had alcohol to blame it on, but I don't, because I was six years sober, going to meetings just not drinking and asking for help. The problem is I was asking the wrong people for help. You know. I really do believe, I think this is important to say before I get back to that story. I really do believe that a sponsor, I've heard him say a lot of times, he said, you know, if you're looking for a sponsor, find somebody that has what you want. And if you do what you do, if you do what they do, you will get what they got. But that's only true if they're dealing with the same problem. Because I really do believe that there are two kinds of alcoholics. And I believe they talk about it and there is a solution. They talk about the person who has a physical allergy and a mental obsession, calling himself an alcoholic. And they are definitely, I've heard their stories and some of them I've watched and witnessed. And I definitely agree they are people that should not be drinking. And I'm really glad they have a place to come. There's this other type of alcoholic that's, that this definition is at least 2,000 years old. The problem with a drinker alcoholic, the definition for somebody who just has a drinking problem, calling himself an alcoholic. And what I can find is only about 112 years old, roughly. 120 years old maybe. In English speaking cultures where you started calling the drink alcohol. But prior to that, at least 2,000 years, there's this other definition of alcoholism. And this is the spiritual malady. The word alcohol in Latin is spiritus. That's why you see wines and spirits on the sides of liquor stores. And this word malady, you know, educated me on my intelligence. I had to go get a dictionary because I never knew it, never heard that word. And I looked up malady. What I found was to be separated or disconnected. A fracture. In context, as Steve sees it, Bill can have it, as Bill sees it, I can have it as Steve sees it, right? So anyways, spiritual malady. You know, I know that I'm just another guy with the same needs and desires as everybody else. But I just don't feel like I fit. No matter where I am, I will obsess about myself and find out what human characteristic makes me different. And I'll go find people that are dealing with that particular same human characteristic. And I don't feel like I fit with them either. And I work really, really hard to get in harmony with this world. And no matter what I do, I cannot get in harmony. I don't fit. I can be in a room full of biologic clones of Steve Farnsworth and still feel like I don't fit. And I just wake up like one day, maybe just one day, the mothership will land and say, Steve, we put you on the wrong planet. Come with me. I'll bring you someplace where you fit. Right? And I realize that this selfishness and self-centeredness. And I realize that this selfishness and self-centeredness. And I realize that this selfishness and self-centeredness. And this complete obsession with me thinking about me. And what am I not getting? And what am I losing? And what is that mine? What are they thinking of me? What am I thinking of me? You know? It's causing me to just isolate. And just being repelled from society. Because I'm nothing but a drain on society. And I didn't know that. And even if I did know that, I wouldn't have known what to do about it. Because I had nobody around me that was willing to tell me at the same time I was living. And I didn't know that. Because I had nobody around me that was willing to tell me at the same time I was living. And I didn't know that. And I didn't know that. Because I had nobody around me that was willing to tell me at the same time I was living. And so, anyways, I get this spiritual malady calling. And, you know, I believe that you can have that even without a drinking problem. I don't think it has anything to do with the drink. Or the drugs. I don't think it has anything to do with what I use to get relief. I took my 9 year old, my niece when she was 9 years old, through these 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I talked to her and things that the 9 year old could understand. And, quite honestly, the only difference between the other people that I've done the work with is that I could actually understand what the other people are trying to preach And I talked to her in things that a nine-year-old could understand. And quite honestly, the only difference between the other people that I've done this with and her is thank God I got to skip the sex contact list. You know? And we had an awesome experience. And guess what happened when she turned 17 or 18 and she needed some guidance in that area? She came to her Uncle Steve. Because she knew that I wasn't going to ask her about the difficult details. And I was just going to talk principle. She's one of the most beautiful human beings you can imagine. And so anyways, so I have this alcoholism that's a spiritual condition. The alcoholism as a physical allergy and mental obsession, I definitely had it, but it was arrested. It's been gone for years now. Because from that period, from six years to seven years, when I was using sex like a drug, I was basically like, you take a human being and rip their head off and just drink. I might as well just bring them home. I'm drinking them. You know what I mean? It's just like, it was the darkest existence. I'd be with somebody and then when it's all over with, I realize that I've been with them before and I didn't remember. I mean, it was that bad. You know? It was extremely excessive and it was very dark. And some of these guys are like, oh man, that sounds awesome. High five. I'm like, no. It was the darkest existence I've ever had in my life. And to be run by something that's just taking something that could be so beautiful and sacred and to use it for such selfish purposes. It's not something I ever want to do again. But anyways, and add to the fact that at this point I'm now infectious and I'm hurting other people. And I got that on my conscience. And I'm going to the psychiatrist and the therapist and I'm telling them and they're giving me unbelievably crazy suggestions and they're just trying to medicate the hell out of me. To try to make a zombie out of me. Not because they wanted to make a zombie out of me. Because it's the best they had to offer. You know? And, but unfortunately they were trying to treat a spiritual condition with a synthetic solution. You know? It's not, it doesn't work. If anything, it gets in the way of me being able to get to a spiritual solution. So it was in that condition that I was in a meeting one night in Elkridge, Maryland. And this old man got up there and he reminded me of Kris Kringle on Miracle on 34th Street. You know? He kind of jiggled when he laughed and he had a red face and he had a twinkle in his eye and he talked about the big book like it had a spirit. Like it had a soul. Like it had a life. And I used, you know, I was used to seeing the big book as a sleeping pill. You know? I'd read a paragraph and I'd go, But he laughed. You know? He was sharing his experience and he was laughing at himself and it was funny. You know? And he wasn't trying to entertain me. He was just, matter of fact, this is the way I see the world. And I wanted to go up and ask him for help because it sounded like maybe I had missed something. Maybe in those seven years of just going to meetings and not drinking, maybe, just maybe I had missed something. And when he finished talking, there was a little line of people that wanted to go up and thank him for talking. And so while I'm waiting in this line, they go up and ask him, you know, if he would help a wretched soul, you know, such as me. You know, my mind, he will never help you. You are the sickest MFR on the planet. You might as well just walk out the door because when he finds out what you've been doing sober, he's going to say you're too sick for Alcoholics Anonymous. You're a loser. Don't even bother wasting his time. You know, he's probably not going to help you anyways. You know, he's probably just, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Screaminging, telling me to run out the door. And I said, screw it. I'm going to ask him. Okay? So it was my turn in this line and I, you know, got up there and I, you know, looked Tom straight in the shoelace. And I said, um, and I said, Tom, I have no clue, no idea what you're talking about, about this happy sobriety stuff. I've been sober seven years and I've just never heard anything, I've just never seen anything like this. And I said, would you help me? And he, um, he, uh... He, uh... He had me meet him a couple nights later the following night. He wanted to meet me the following night but I couldn't because I had class because I'm dying but I want to get one more degree. I love me wall. And, um... But, uh... But he goes, okay, I guess your education is more important than your life. And I'm like, huh? I still, I don't think, I don't know, I just wasn't grasping the whole thing. It's crazy. But, um... But I met him the next, I met him one, two nights later at this meeting. And he walked me around to the side of the building. He started talking to me about what principles were and what a spirituality was versus just a drinking problem. And the importance of laying down my life for my brother. One alcoholic sharing with another. Giving my brother and my sister the one and only real currency that I have to spend which is my time. Because I can go out and make more money but I can't make more time. And once I spent it, I spent it on you. You can't, you may deny all the words I've, matter of fact, you might not even hear the words I say. But you can't deny that I care enough about you to give you my time. And that's what, uh... You know, they talk about in Corinthians, they say there's no better love than laying down my life for my brother. You know, some people might think that means taking a bullet for my brother but you can only do that once. You know? But basically what it means is when my brother or my sister is suffering and they ask me for help, I need to stop my busy schedule long enough to sit down and share with them my experience. And, uh... I had no clue how to do that. But one thing I did know is I trusted him. And, uh... I didn't trust many people at this point in time. And I had really good reason to trust him. And I had really good reason to trust him. I did not trust anybody. But I did trust him. And so, um... So I started following him. And I started watching him. And, you know, when I'm here with... You know, of course I bring my friend with me when the next time I come. And Tom says something and I say something. And Tom says something and I say something. And Tom's fine with it. And he says, Steve, sit down. Shut up. We don't want what you have. And I'm like, who does this old man think he's talking to? Right? And then he, then he, then he hits me with a double whammy and he says, you don't even want what you have. And I'm like, oh yeah, I forgot about that. So that never stopped me from sharing it. But anyways. So, uh... So he started walking me through these steps and he immediately started getting me into helping others. He did not wait for me to get to the 12th step to go out and help others. You know, he said to me, Steve, these new guys, they're like wet cement. You've got to get them moving while they're wet. Because if you wait for it to harden, you're going to have to get them jackhammered to get them to do anything. You know? And, uh... And, uh... You know, we... The principle of going out and helping somebody goes across the board. I learned a thousand times more teaching flying than I ever did as a flight student. You know? Um, aerodynamic principle did not change because my awareness of it got better. The same thing with spiritual principle. You know, spiritual principle doesn't change. It's principle. But my awareness gets better the more I share it. And, uh, you know, you may think you don't have a whole lot to share. But I guarantee you, if you're in this room, you sure as hell can share what doesn't work. You know? And, um... The, uh... So, anyways, uh... I told Tom, I said, you know, Tom... You know, I'm a train wreck. Right? And, uh... You know, and he's like, go over there, Steve, and help that guy. You know? He says, tell him what you do to stay sober and happy about it, but for God's sake, don't tell him what you think. You'll kill him. And I'm like... And I said, Tom, I said, I'm not qualified to help him. And he goes, I know you're not qualified. And you know you're not qualified. But he doesn't know you're not qualified. So go over there and help him. And I'm like, how do you argue with this guy, right? And so I go, well, what do I say when I go over there? And he goes, God will tell you when you get there. I said, well, why can't I know now? He says, because you'll screw it up between here and there. Just get over there. So I go up to this guy, Gary, at this coffee pot. And I said something along the lines of, Gary, you see that old man over there? Gary's talking to that lady. He's not talking to her. He's watching me. And he wants me to try to help somebody. Now, I don't have a clue how to do that. So you think you can kind of make it look like I'm trying to help you? And Gary and I got a little bit of a laugh and became good friends. We're still good friends today. And there's a couple of really good stories I like about my relationship that I had with Gary, even though beyond the fact that he was the first guy that I ever sponsored. But Gary had a little three-year-old son, maybe four. I think he was three when I first met him. And the mother was out on the streets doing what she had to do to feed her emptiness and her soul. So Gary is a mess trying to take care of this three-year-old kid. And so we're dragging him around in meetings. And this whole time, year after year, Gary's the kind of guy that gets a year sober, goes back out for a couple. Gets a year sober, goes back out for a couple. He's been doing that for the last 16 years. And sometimes I've often wondered how he's doing. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know how much I'm really helping him. But about once every two or three years, I get a little call from Gary Jr. who's watching on the side, who's now like 19 years old or whatever, asking me for guidance or for direction. You never know who you're helping. And I've had people like that in jails, going to institutions, week after week after week, feeling like I'm helping nobody. And all of a sudden, 10 years later, I'll bump into a guy who goes, yeah, you used to bring meetings into that Howard County Detention Center. I said, oh, were you in there? He's like, no, I was one of the guards. I was just reading through a closed caption TV. OK. He goes, I've been sober for a few years, and I appreciate all your help. But the other thing, too, is I had a very serious distaste in my heart for organized religion when I met Tom. And I don't have that anymore. And I know exactly when it left. I don't have a lot of experience in organized religion. And I feel as though I had good reason to have, with the people that I came across, I had good reason to have this distaste. But whatever. But anyways, four or five years into this relationship I had with Gary, he was living with his mom, of course. And his mom was this, what I would have called at that time, big Jesus freak. Like that's some kind of derogatory term or something. Whatever. Anyways, but you go into her house, and there's all these people. But you go into her house, and there's all these Bibles and books and pictures of Jesus and the Last Supper and da-da-da-da. And I'm like, ugh, that's nice. I'm going to go gag myself. But anyways, I got a call from Gary one time. He said, Mom's dying. She had late stages of cancer. And she would like to talk to you. And I'm like, I can count on one hand how many words her and I have exchanged in the past four or five years. Right? I'm like, what does she want to talk to me for? Right? But she's dying, and I'm not going to, you know, and she asked me to stop by. So I go over there with this, you know, I watch way too much drama TV, so I'm thinking she's going to say, take care of my son, blah, blah, blah, blah. But it was interesting because I got there, and she had her daughter, who was a nurse, cleaning the room up. And she had her hair done. She's on her deathbed. She actually died that night. But she had her hair done. She had the room all clean. It was smelling nice. You know, everything was proper, the blanket over. And she said, okay, I'll see him. She comes in. She pats the bed, you know, like, sit down. And she puts her hand on my hand. And she didn't mention one word about her son. She said, Steve, I just want you to know what a pleasure it is to watch you. I didn't know she was watching. And so she kind of got me off guard, you know. And I didn't know what to say. But I knew that she knew that I knew that she was dying. And so, and I've been fixing my own device. Right? And so I, all I said to her is I said, are you afraid? And she looked at me like she was shocked that I would even ask the question. And she goes, no, I'm not afraid. I'm going home to see my father. And I believed her, you know, that she wasn't afraid. And I don't even remember what else we talked about. But I let her go. I gave her a kiss on her cheek. And I said goodbye. And then she died that night. And then the next, the next night, the next few days through the funeral and everything else, the services, what I found out was this woman never asked God for a single thing. She always asked God for guidance and direction and saying thank you. And said thank you for everything she could think of to say thank you for. While she was living in a house that her son is terrorizing, by the way. And she went to church every single day to see what she could give, not what she could get. And she read two pages of her Bible for me. She read two pages of her Bible for guidance and inspiration. Not for ammunition to go around beating people up. My sponsor has taught me at that point in my writing still today to ask God for guidance and for direction and say thank you for everything I could think of to say thank you for. To go to meetings as often as possible to see what I can give, not what I can get. And to read two pages of the big book on a daily basis for guidance and inspiration, not for ammunition to go around beating people up. And she was getting the same results that I've been getting. And the same amount of people in the churches that are doing some awful things in God's name. And the same amount of people, the same percentage of people in AA that are abusing and using AA for awful things. You know, it's just human nature. There's just a small amount of people in AA that are really standing up for God and for helping others. And then... Not only did this woman teach me that, but just like somebody flipped off a light switch, all my distaste for organized religion went away. I've never felt that way since. You know, she may or may not have any idea what that gift that she gave me. And... Is it going to be okay? I got a 911 on my phone. Anyways, so I start off going out, you know, out trying to help people because of this whole excessive thing. When it feels good, I've got to get excessive, right? And immediately, people are taking pot shots at me. You can't sponsor that many people. You can't sponsor women. You can't sponsor people out of your geographic area. And I'm like, alright. These people that are calling me their sponsor, and I know I'm not the sponsor. I know God's the sponsor. But these people are... They're having wonderful experiences in AA. They're loving me. They're grateful. They're helping others. They're not complaining. You guys are complaining. You don't even know what it is that I'm doing. And you want me to listen to you? I think I'll pass. Right? I have been... From the feedback that I get from the majority of Alcoholics Anonymous, I am a cult leader and a complete whack job. You know what I mean? I'm trying to use AA, you know, change AA. You're trying to set the world on fire, Steve? You're trying to change AA? You're trying to sponsor the world? I'm like, no. It hurts when I stop. That's why I do it. It just hurts. It just hurts when I stop. That's why I keep doing what I'm doing. I don't... I'm not in charge of the results. The results are in God's hands. You know the... The biblical passage of, You reap what you sow. I was sharing this with my new friend, Phil, earlier today. You know, the way I see this principle, right? Principle, by definition, in my opinion, is it has to apply to all people equally. Otherwise, it doesn't meet the definition of the word. Okay? Some principles are real easy to see. Got to eat food, drink water, breathe air, right? Shelter from the elements. You know, I jump off a building, gravity's going to splat. You know, I'm going to go splat, whether I believe in gravity or not, right? And whether I got pushed off, jumped off, or fell off, doesn't matter, right? Principles are just principles. And there are some principles that are spiritual in nature, and that means that they only make sense to the heart. And the heart has reason, and reason knows nothing of, right? Put a baby in your arms. See what happens to your heart. You know, I'm not saying that you have to be a baby. I'm saying that you have to be a child. You know, you have to be a child. You have to be a child. You know, it's hard. You have to be a child to go head to toe and to be big. Okay? So you know, you have to be a great baby in your arms. Okay? You hold on to the maroni. Number three, hold on to the physique, right? When you're 70 and you're not 50, you want to look a lot more cool than you might be. Because you're already in the morning, and it's with the clock. You're already in the morning, eating a tree, and applying the bar to the greatly restraining the gravity. Then you've got a grandson that you want to try over the winter break. You know, right here in this picture, aote form is the whole year, and in this case where those two are over, it's already the gotta not during冬 쇵 exhausting, right? So they're busy. deny that it happened. Alright. You reap what you sow. This is my vision that I'm going to share with you. I've got a farmer. He's got a field. Right? And he's got this big 50 pound burlap bag full of wheat seeds. Right? Wheat seed you can probably clean your fingernails and it's not breaking. Right? 50 pound bag and he's going out and he's going to cultivate this field, sow and cultivate all these seeds to try to maximize the chances that he's going to get back some wheat. Right? Now he is not in charge of the sunlight or the water or the air. You know, but he can, you know, help try to, you know, prepare the soil the best he can, cultivate the soil and get these seeds spread out just the right amount to maximize the chances that he's going to get back. It's a lot of work. Right? And there's some things that he knows. He knows that if he plants enough that some of those seeds, a large percentage of those seeds are going to fall on stone. And he knows that some of them are going to fall on shallow soil and take false starts and die. But he also knows that a small percentage of them are going to take just the right amount of root and, you know, sunlight and air and water and they're going to grow. Some of them are going to be one season, five seasons, ten seasons down the road. He doesn't know. But he has no idea which seeds are going to do it. But he knows that some of them are going to if he plants enough. But he also knows that of the seeds that do take root, the small percentage, they're going to bring him back a whole lot more wheat than the total amount he sowed. And the other thing he knows is he's not going to get back any corn. Because he didn't sow corn. He sowed wheat. As long as he doesn't throw a few seeds of corn in there. Now that's how we're supposed to be living our lives. Sowing seeds of love. Love for God. Love for our brothers and sisters. Love for children. Love for animals. Love for the earth. Love for whatever, society. Hundreds of seeds. You know, hundreds of forms of love. Sowing seeds of love. And if I keep doing that, I have no idea which seeds are going to grow. I know some of them are going to fall on stone. Some are going to fall on shallow soil and give false starts and die. And some are going to take root next season, five seasons, ten seasons down the road. But I know I'm not going to get back any fear. Because I didn't sow fear. I sowed love. Unless, of course, I decide to throw a few seeds of fear in there. Then I might get back some fear. But I have no idea which ones. But I do know that the few seeds that do take root and grow, are going to bring me back a thousand times more love than the total amount that I sowed. Guaranteed. And it's principle. And it works for anybody. I found myself up in York, Pennsylvania for a few years. York, Pennsylvania is the pretty close to the equivalent of Delray. I'm not too sure it's really a match, but it's pretty close. Most people have done a tour of duty in Delray and done one in York too. And I didn't have a trot of York, Pennsylvania, but I did see a lot of people, what I felt were being exploited by these recovery house people. They're trying to make money off of hardworking families with their most valuable commodity, which is their children. And they weren't given a whole lot of guidance and direction. They were taking their money and then throwing them off the street when they got high. Shocker, they got high. Tom says, Steve, if you want to get a bone away from a dog, you need to offer him steak. Right? Well, they were taking the bone away, but they weren't offering me anything sufficient to replace it with. So anyways, I ended up going up there. A little bit of a chaos. I think it was mostly because it was a Steve show. I was trying to do it pretty much alone. I had a bunch of houses and I was getting walked on pretty bad, pretty hard. And I knew what it was like to lose everything I had. I did that once in Boston. Or actually, Maine and Boston, whatever. But I was doing it for self-centered reasons. But this time I lost everything kind of for love-driven reasons. I was taking the same actions and I got the same results on the worldly stage. I lost everything. But the difference was when I did it in Boston, I was almost dying. When I did it in New York, my heart and my soul was still full. And I examined my experience and tried to learn and grow from it. And so when I had adopted this ... mentally and physically handicapped old man that kind of just got dropped on my lap and I just didn't have the heart to put him back. And his name's John. And John... Oh, wait. Anyways. John's been told he's an alcoholic for 25 years. So he knows all the lingo. He's actually very entertaining. But he's definitely handicapped. And I'm I don't know. I adopted him. I always tell him, I'm like, John, seven years ago, I was praying. And I said, God, can you please put somebody special in my life? And then I got John and I'm like, I guess I should have been more specific. But anyways, John was getting abused by these guys. It was one thing to abuse me. But when you start abusing this guy, I was like, he was getting me. And they'd locked him in the bathroom one time when I was gone. I went off the handle. These guys thought I was, you know, love, peace, and chicken grease. They didn't see anything until they saw the way I reacted to that. I thought I was going to kill somebody. Anyways, I came down out of my room one day with my laptop in my hand because I knew that I wanted just to get a cup of coffee. And it was like routine. And I knew because I knew my laptop wouldn't be there when I got back up. This is my home. You know? And all of a sudden it occurred to me that I was doing. And it's Monday afternoon. I got a living room full of guys that aren't working. You know? Complaining there's not enough food in the house. And I'm like, you know what? I think I'm done. It was just like that. Just like that light switch. I think I'm done. I'm going to move back to Maryland. My boss offered me the job and I wasn't really, my job back in Maryland and I wasn't sure I was going to take it. But I think he just pretty much made my decision for me. And I'm going to go back to Maryland. And I'm going to take John with me. And John stands up and he looks at everybody and he's like, see you later assholes. I don't know what I'm going to do with him. You know? Put him on the street with a sign that says free. So I get John down to Maryland and I couldn't take care of him. He's like almost burning the place of the house down and stuff. So I had to put him in the hands of the state. The state can do a lot. You know, the state can give a lot. But the state can't give love. And John needed love. And so they were killing him. Not intentionally, but when you get hit by a bullet or the bullet was meant for you, you're still dead. And they were killing him. And I was down in North Carolina with my friend Nick here. And I was sponsoring Nick for three or four years at the time, I guess. And he had a house up in Amherst. And I had I don't know, we were sitting on the beach just talking. No intentions. I bring guys down to the silent almost every weekend. And this was no different in my mind. And I just casually said I think I ought to put John in a box and send him to you guys and let you guys take care of him. And he said, well, I think you should come too. And I'm like, yeah, that's definitely not happening. Because I've already done that in New York. I'm not doing it again in Massachusetts. And he assured me it's going to be different. By the end of the weekend, he had had me convinced that I was moving to Massachusetts soon. And about two months later, he's got another three houses or some shit. And we're doing all kinds of things. I'm not trying to embarrass him or whatever. But he's young. He's got a lot of ideas. He's got a really good heart and a lot of resources and a lot of energy. And he has an idea. And it's like, okay, thought, action. Let's go. Let's do it. I mean, one of our houses we got because he was stopped at a railroad track. And he saw some lady that looked like she just said, hey, how you doing? And she started telling her story about her house. And he's like, well, we'll rent it. So whatever. Give you an idea. Keep in mind, I'm not trying to throw him out there. But whatever. He's definitely keeping me on my toes. So I had to move into Massachusetts. And I bring John with me. And we're having an awesome experience. But it's challenging. We're doing a lot. Trying to do a lot. But one thing's for sure is we're not sitting around doing nothing and complaining. And we're learning a lot of lessons. And we're growing. And we're making a lot of mistakes. But we're also doing a lot. And the difference between what I'm doing now in Massachusetts with Nick and these guys and the difference between that and what I did in York, is I'm not doing it alone. And I'm not trying to make it the Steve show. I'm doing everything I can to make sure it's not the Steve show. And then about a year later, my sponsor needed some help. And we moved my sponsor up there. And my sponsor lives with us now. And I got a bunch of guys helping me take care of Tom and helping me take care of John. I always threaten Tom that if he doesn't behave, I'm going to put him in the same room with John. So I know I'm running out of time. But I'm going to do it. And I'm going to do it. And I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. But the deal is there's no doubt you could come and get a snapshot of what we're doing up in Amherst and make some serious judgments that are negative in nature. But if you stick around long enough, you get a little bit more of a picture other than a snapshot, what you're going to find out is that you'd be hard pressed to find a sober community that, that has as much love and determination and absolute conviction that we're going to make this about God and helping others. Or we're not doing it at all. One of the deals that Nick and I made when we first started thinking about doing this was that if anything ever becomes our primary purpose other than helping others, then we're going to shut it down and go get apartments. We'll take Tom and John and Nick's dad's Elizabeth's too. And we've got a bunch of young people. And Nick and I try to make a home out of this other one because he's got a three-year-old son that needs a house that's appropriate for a three-year-old son. And we have this other house that we put all the older guys in, all the young people call it Jurassic Park. But we're out there. And we're causing ruckus, but all doing it in the name of love, in the name of God. And we're having an awesome experience at Alcoholics Anonymous. Now I'm not saying that if you just keep doing what you're doing that you'll get the exact same experience, but I will guarantee you, I will promise you, that you'll get an experience that is unique to you, but just as beautiful and just as exciting and just as fun and just as powerful. And all you need to do is let us help you. And just like who, was it you that just picked up the chip? Congratulations, by the way. I'm very sorry I didn't say that. I meant to say it initially. But just like she was saying, this is not about us. This is not about us individually. This is about God. And we're having a lot of fun. If we weren't having fun, why would she be here at 11 years sober? Why would I be here at 22 years sober if we weren't having a good time? If you're not having a good time, if you're not feeling the love and the hope and the joy that's available in these rooms, you are missing the whole point. Please let us help you. Thank you.