Picking Men Like Rescue Dogs: Pathetic, Starving, and Dangerous – Lynn

Good morning. My name is Lynn, and I'm an alcoholic. Thank you so much, Maggie. I could not have imagined a more exciting pee to be in the pod with. We will be friends forever. I want to thank Ria and John for inviting me to participate. Walt, thank you for acing this with the construction and everything else. And all the hard work that you've done throughout the year, the committee members, the red shirts, the unsung heroes of Alcoholics Anonymous, those who do all the backstage work, thankless work, and to do that all year so we can come here and have a love fest this weekend. So thank you so much for your service to Alcoholics Anonymous. I understand how inspiring. How inspiring this revival tent is, but I cannot promise you rapture. With the extraordinary sharing that we've heard all weekend from three minutes to an hour, I will be grateful to only be a footnote to the big bash. So thank you for showing up, although I'm sure that your love tanks are as full as mine is. Thank you so much for being here this morning. I was so, you have touched me, moved me so, with Frank, this big burly of a man, who talks about holding his little grandbaby and having a heart transfer with her, to Rick, who cheerfully shared with us his incurable disease. And this was just to start with, and it hasn't stopped. So thank you so much for blessing me and being a part of my life. And with respect and love, I invite you all into my heart this morning. Welcome to the newcomers. Perhaps some of you, not knowing any better, may think that because I'm up here, I have some kind of special wisdom to impart you with, and I may be some kind of a guru in Alcoholics Anonymous, especially my sobriety. Thank you. My sobriety date is June 22nd, 1982. So if you think that's impressive, I'd like to share with you a little bit of a story, and we could erase those myths altogether. Last year, my husband John and I are on our way to the couples' meeting, and we had a fight in the car. We needed the couples' meeting. And he stopped on the on-ramp at the traffic light, and I decided to get out of the car. I got out of the car with reckless abandon. So I started to walk home. I was going to show him. I started with high heels and socks, shoes only, barefooted. I created those painful blisters. It took me an hour and a half. I could have held the cab, but I was going to show him. I was sober 28 years. The next night, we went to the hotel. We went to the Saturday Night Live meeting. And I was asked to be the 15-minute speaker, so I shared that with them. And you'd think, if this was a group of normal people, say, how long has she been sober? But not in Alcoholics Anonymous. They asked me back to be the main speaker. So to be a speaker in Alcoholics Anonymous, I think the sicker, the more popular we are. And if some of you who aren't you are a little bit insecure to be sober, I'm going to show you this. We have this little girl here who is going to be with us this weekend. Perhaps you think you're not good enough for us. The bar is set very low. In fact, if you're not careful, you might trip right over it. So welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. I have felt like you do today. I've had those insecurities and feeling separate and different and unlovable and unlikable and afraid of everything. Just a nut here and a nut there. in my gut where I live. And I was like that as a child. When I was about 13 or so, I went to a little party, and I bought some beers. And by the time I was halfway through that first beer, all those fears went away. All the discomfort, all the feeling of being less than and different and unloved just went away. And it was warm and comfortable in my gut where I live. And so drinking was the answer to my problem for a long, long time. And that evening, I went to get my last beer, and he told me my best friend Susan drank it. I found Susan, and I slapped her in the face. That's not social drinking. And this was my first time out. I drank for 14 more years the same way. I was never interested in having a drink or two. I have to tell you, I tried. I tried marijuana like a couple of times, did not like it. But I come to Hawaii, and I'd love to smoke a doobie all day. I think it's in the air, you know. So I continued that drinking just to make me feel a little better. I thought I was in Quebec, Canada, and if only I went to California, I could be happy. I came here, and I drank. I drank more. If only I had a young, handsome boyfriend, I'd be happy. I found him. We drank together. If only I had a cleaning lady, I'd be happy. I got a cleaning lady, and I supervised her work with a drink in my hand. My outside circumstances are totally irrelevant. I drink because I'm an alcoholic. And once I start that first drink, I cannot stop. It's beyond my human power. And you'd think, well, just don't drink. But I have a brain that insists on drinking. And so I have to drink. And so I have to drink. And so I have to drink. And so I have to drink. And so I have to drink. And so I have to drink. And so I have to drink. I had no power, and I had no choice in the matter. I'm not sure why that relationship with that young, handsome, wealthy boyfriend didn't work out, except one time I slept with his best friend, Kirk. Now, I did not like Kirk. But the tragedy was that I was in a bar, and I was too drunk to make my way home. And this was the man next to me who said, I'll take you home. Well, you would think that's something. Something like that would have gone through my mind. Lynn, you're just about to be kicked out of the house. You've been cheating on him already. He's the only man who's taking care of you. He's supporting you. You are emotionally unemployable. You're estranged from your family. The only people still tolerating you are his friend. And you have absolutely no money aside from being an illegal alien. That did not come to mind. And I said, okay. I have to finish my drunks. The consequences do not even come to mind. And so I did, and I binged with him for about three days. And his girlfriend found us, and she was my boyfriend's secretary. And that's kind of tacky. And so I rented a room in a sleazy two-bedroom apartment. I slept in a sleeping bag on the floor. My clothes were on the floor. I lived like an animal. I had so little self-esteem and self-worth that the only answer that I had was to go back into that house, get that man back. I had learned how to reseal Mexican tiles, and he had hundreds of those in that beautiful home on top of the hill. And so I called him up, and I said, hey, I'll do your tiles for free. He said, okay. So the next day I showed up with the chemicals and the grubbies, the knee pad, knocked on the door, good morning. And I got on my knees, and I started to scrub, and he went to work. I proceeded to drink that day. He came home from the office and asked me to leave his house. And that night I was so ashamed of the way that I lived that I did not want to go to that little apartment and take the risk that that roommate could be there and see me. So I slept in my car after passing out. In the morning I came to. I drank some more of that vodka, and I went back into the house. Good morning. And I got on my knees and started to scrub. That day they were having a party. They were going to play tennis in the backyard. And so the friends began to arrive. Those friends who had invited me to their fancy events, the friends that I had invited to my big dinners were coming in and saying, hi, Lynn, and going on into the backyard. And I just wanted to dig a hole and hide. And here came Kirk. Hi, Lynn. The humiliation, the desperation, the, oh, my gosh, how could this be? I had had a license to practice. This law, I had traveled to a new country, learned another language. They told me I was attractive, I had a nice personality, that I was intelligent. And here I was, scrubbing floor, being totally humiliated and unwanted. I find myself alone with that man in the afternoon after all the friends I've got. The man who had loved me, who had wanted to marry me, and I was on the floor. He was on top of me, having sex with me, trying not to touch me. And I will never forget the look of utter contempt and disgust in that man's eyes looking down on me. I went back to that little apartment and I binged all weekend. And what happened was I couldn't get drunk no matter how much I drank. It wasn't working. I was sober from the neck up. I could not achieve oblivion from my pitiful condition. So on Monday morning, I drank a little bit of vodka. And then I called out. Alcoholics Anonymous. And the man said, oh, you want to stop drinking? I said, no, no, no, no. I just want to learn how to have five or six. It's after that that I get in all this trouble. So he said, well, you're not ready for us. When you want to stop drinking, you just call us back. And then he hung up. Well, if you're new, the day that Alcoholics Anonymous hangs up on you is a bad day. We really are the last house on the block. And in the following two hours, somehow, it got quiet in my mind. And what I heard was, Lynn, you're done with drinking. There is nothing left in this for you. So I called back and he said, oh, great. This lady will call you. And she did. Her name was Beverly. And she said, would you like to go somewhere? I said, well, yeah, I'm a traveler. I love going places. I assumed they would take me to the La Casa Resort. And I could use the mud bath, the massages. I was tired. I would send the bill to my ex, who was wealthy, no problem. So I eagerly accepted the proposition. And she said, great. My husband and I will come and pick you up in 20 minutes, pack a few clothes. Well, she didn't know that that's all I had. And they picked me up and they took me to Detox Downtown. So I was disappointed. But I stayed. And there was a counselor there. And they gave me the 20 questions. And I thought, well, you know, I've been through law school. So I've taken tests that were much more difficult than this. I should just ace this. And indeed, I had 17 right the first time I took it. He said, you're an alcoholic. I said, I know. He looked at me puzzled. And he said, this is no joke. You really are an alcoholic. I said, I know. And he said, well, what's so happy or funny about this? And I said, well, finally, someone is telling me. What's wrong with me? I had thought myself a lot worse things than being an alcoholic because of the promiscuity. And you're telling me that there are the people who have done those shameful things, who have lived with their regrets and their guilt and their fear and their humiliation. And somehow they found a way to be happy and sober. And this was the best news I had heard in a long, long time. And so I began to take the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I want to thank those of you who do HNI because they really saved my life. I was about six months sober. And I had borrowed and detoxed $5 from Ron and Beverly. And I wrote a check and they refused it. So six months sober, I decided to send them the $5 with a letter. And she wrote back. She said that when they got my letter, they both said, at the edge of their bed, crying because their priorities had been upside down. They were caught up in money, property, and prestige. And they knew that if they bought a plant with that $5, which she did, that the plant would grow as I was growing in Alcoholics Anonymous. And about a year later, I was at a meeting talking to my sponsor. And here comes this lady with this strange, usual voice. But I couldn't place her. And then she looked at me and I said something. She said, you're Lynn. And I said, yes. She said, I'm Beverly. My husband and I took you to detox. And she said, at the time, I was nine years sober. And I never thought of taking anybody to detox, nor have I since. But you said something about having a rich boyfriend. And I thought, if she goes back into that house, she's not going to make it. So thank you for those of you who do that backstage work. Work for us. Because you literally save lives. I am just so grateful. I went to a recovery house for about a year. And it's been quite a journey, this sobriety, this growing in understanding and effectiveness with all of you. You've been my teachers. And I learned so much from you this weekend. And I want to thank Susan, who has been such an example of courage. And rigorous honesty and willingness. What a privilege to watch that this weekend. And I've had a little bit of a difficulty in my marriage. And, you know, it's about me. It really is about me and my fear. Some of us had broken hearts when we were very young. And it takes sometimes longer for us to let go of fear of intimacy and fear of rejection and anger and sense of, you know, unfairness and to really connect with other human beings. And so this is what's been happening to me recently. And I've had the privilege to watch Walt and Susan this weekend. And to be invited into their home. And as a result of watching them react, interact with each other this morning, I was able to tell my husband I'm falling in love with you all over again. And after telling him about the snow. And all the snorkeling and all the fun. And so, by the way, as a footnote. So thank you so much for being a great example of Alcoholics Anonymous to me. And to others as well. That wonderful big book. That is where our program is. Our meetings are wonderful. But it's where we carry the message. And carrying the message is only half the 12 steps. And so if I attend 20-minute meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm going to be able to do that. And if you go to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous a week it's great. But it's a great 5% of the program. Most of those steps are done alone at home with a higher power. And these steps are very well described in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Make sure if you're new that you leave with a big book today. I love my big book. And it's by far the most important book I have ever read in my life. It's got all sorts of cool stuff in there. Like on page 132, 133, it is said that all alcoholics should always have chocolate by their side for quick fix of energy. So I always have chocolate by my side. And just in case I missed it, those of you who prepared, I think it's Teresa who prepared those beautiful baskets. It had those macadamia nuts covered with chocolate. I went to the whole box like in a day and a half. I needed a lot of energy. You know, this is demanding being here. And if you're new, we recommend that you learn about the steps and you read the big book with a sponsor. Now, I always have a disclaimer with sponsors because I've had nothing but trouble with them. They always want me to do things. They call them contrary actions. And so I usually explore all avenues until, you know, before I call my sponsor. And I've never needed a sponsor more. Then what? When I got married, which I did not do until I was 52 years old for the first time. And there are reasons for that. I'm a fling kind of a girl. And the thing that I like the most about lovers is that they come and they go. But husbands, mine anyway, he comes over every night. And I wake up in the morning and he's still there. Day after day. Day after day. Nobody told me before I took the vows that husbands have nowhere to go. And when you're peculiar like I am and I have a fear of connecting and a fear of intimacy and I'm overly sensitive and I have fear of rejection and I have this low-level anger going on. When I'm angry, I don't want to talk. Well, if you're just dating, you feel like that, you just don't go. But he's coming home. And when they say there is nothing like being in a relationship, to look at our character defects, oh, oh, my goodness, yes, isn't that the truth? And I've been going to Al-Anon as well, and it's been so very helpful. I'm so, so glad for that program. It helps me with my reactions as Alcoholics Anonymous helps me with my action. And I'm one of those who need a lot of help. And so. So one time he did something and like making plane reservation for a trip I didn't think I knew about. And I was just chewing and he's making that phone call and it's taking about 30 minutes and oh, I can't believe he would do this. And, you know, that's when you call your sponsor because you report your husbands to your sponsor. That's what you can do. So I took my cell phone and walked outside to make. One of those call your sponsor before you talk to him, phone calls, so you won't believe and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She said, oh, honey, this is no big deal. He's been divorced 11 years. You've been single all your life. You're just learning about communication. You can just let that go. Oh, no, you don't understand. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she said, well, all right. He was a little bit inconsiderate, but this is no big deal, honey. You mean? I didn't even talk to him about this. All right. But now I don't want you to go back in there and present the case to the Supreme Court in 15 minutes. Can you say two sweet, short sentences like, honey, I happen to have overheard. Next time I'd appreciate. And I love you. Oh, wow. That sounds wonderful. She said, you can do that. I said, sure. So I hang up and I'm already feeling superior to him because I know he can't do that. And I'm feeling all growed up. So I'm practicing. Honey, I happen. Next time, I love you. So I get to the door and he said, honey, where were you? I was talking to my sponsor and she said, you're inconsiderate. It took two weeks to fix that one. My mind is a mind of its own. And this other time, I wake up on a Friday morning and he was already gone for work. And I looked at the computer and I noticed he'd done something. And I was furious. That kind of energy, it starts in your toes and it comes up and you're kind of shaky and your throat is parched and you have all this energy. And I'm calling my sponsor to report him and I'm walking back and forth and you won't believe this. She said, well, honey, he just made a mistake. You are reducing this to making a mistake. This. Has intent. This was premeditated. She said, honey, you have to accept him. You don't understand. I never, ever want this to happen to me again. She said, honey, you're going to have to take that to God. Take that to God. Like, why do I bother? You know? So this is on a Friday. So I go to work and I'm taking it to God. And I pray for God's will. And I got the answer. A nice, romantic weekend. At the beach. Long walks. Meetings. Reading spiritual material. Me and the dog. So I went online and I found this little motel on the beach where they accept little dogs. And I was going to go home and write him a note. Misty and I are gone for the weekend. We'll come back as late as possible on Sunday. Love you. So I thought, well, I better talk to my sponsor about God's will. So she said, if you want to be a married woman, you better act like one. Totally overreacting. Totally. She said, you're going to go to the couple's meeting tonight. No, I'm not going. Well, you are going to go to the couple's meeting tonight. So, well, I'm not getting in the car with him. She said, you take your own car. You meet him there. I'm not sitting next to him. Yes, you will. Like all the other couples. And I'm not sharing. You don't have to. And so that night I took contrary action and I got in my car and I sat next to him and I shared. And that day I remain a married woman. And so I need the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I need strong sponsorship. I need to tack all the time. And the best way I've heard that described is that I'm on a sailboat. I'm in San Diego. And I'm on God's path forward. For me, straight to Hawaii. Now, I start to think about something. Well, maybe I could take a day tour over here and I want something and I'm about three degrees off. Then maybe I decide that I'm going to make a phone call to change that path a little bit. And then I'm about 15 degrees off. And then three weeks later, maybe I'm going to take an action taking me further down that road. And if I am unchecked with a sponsor, I'm going to go. Make a U-turn and go right back to San Diego. So during the day, I need to tack. If I'm going into self-centeredness, into fear, into resentment, share it. Ask God to remove it at once. Share it with another. Make an amend if you hurt anyone and go right back onto my path. And the longer I've been sober, the narrower it really is. Because I love to feel the peace and the joy that is available in Alcoholics Anonymous. And to the best of my ability, I will take more steps. And the more difficult area is wanting to blame somebody else. It is just so easy. And we talked about being useful. And this is so big. If I'm blaming my husband or a friend or a co-worker for the way I feel, I'm not being useful. And to be useful is so important. I've had a chance in 2008 to be useful in a different way. My husband has two teenage children at the time from a previous marriage. And two kids who could not care less about dad's new wife. And they let me know. And it was not pleasant. And they were going to come and visit us for a couple of weeks. So that's not my idea of a good time. So I said, honey, how would you like to have some quality bonding? And how would you like to spend time with your children? He said, sure. I said, what if I went somewhere? He said, okay, where would you like to go? I said, Africa. So I went online and I booked a safari to Kenya and Tanzania. And on the road, we visited that little school, the Baraka Primary School from Asai Children. Very, very poor. Bare walls. Kids sitting on the floor. Kids. Walked a couple of hours to go to school one way. And they're wearing a piece of car tires on their feet. Very, very poor. And Mr. Mina, the school principal, with all his dignity, was asking us to donate to the lunch program. And there were 15 of us. People who well-to-do enough, who can travel all over the world. And only one person put money into that basket. And I thought, nobody is helping them. There is no support. There is no sign. Absolutely. And so everything about me said, how can I be useful? I've got to help them. And so we made our way back to camp, which was about a 25-minute drive. And these people are on bicycle and on foot. So it's quite a distance. And we got to camp. And I got on my knees. And I said, God, I'd like to help them. Please show me how I could do that. And so I talked to the organizer of the tour. And he said, well, just send us the money. I was going to send maybe $50 a month or something. And he said, oh, just send it to us, and we will hand deliver it. I'm thinking, yes, on your bicycle for a couple of hours. And so I'm going back to my tent on my knees. And I said, God, if you want me to do that, give me a sign. Because I don't want to have to worry every month to what's happening. And so I went back to the little village there for a long walk. And I'm on my way back. And I'm about five minutes to get off the road to go into the camp. And who comes at me? Me on his bicycle, but Mr. Mina from that morning. So that was my sign. And I had goose flesh. And I stopped him. And you won't believe this. And I want to help you. And we exchanged email addresses. And as soon as I got home, I emailed him. And he said, thank God Almighty, you have kept your promise to the Maasai children. And the first project was those kids, those orphans. After the seventh grade, if you can't afford to go to a dormitory school, you're done with schooling. And so they were just in homes. And homes there, it's mud-floored. They have nothing. And I said, okay, I'll support them. And so there were five of them. And I told them I would support them through their education as long as they wanted to go to school. And so my husband said, well, honey, that's a little more than what you'd planned. Why don't we start a nonprofit organization? And so I did that. And then it got too big for me and started to talk to friends and coworkers. And pretty soon, we bought enough. There's for all the kids to have a place to sit. And then the little school had posters on the wall and geography maps so they could have geography classes. And then there was a university that passed by and donated six computers and just put them in the room in the back. So, well, it looks like we need a computer room. So he talked to an architect. And anyway, the computer lab library is under construction as we speak. And I'm going to go. And in August to attend to the graduation of those orphans whom I've never met. And meanwhile, they've had big celebration and they've offered me a citizenship to the Maasai tribe. And they're learning a special dance and song for me when I go. And I know that this is just God who took Mr. Mina and me from across the world because he knew we were the two who were supposed to do this. And I have this great. Great relationship with this gentleman, very intimate relationship. And our foundation is sent him to university because he knew nothing about computers except sending emails. I thought, oh, my goodness, he's going to be the teacher. And so that's been evolving and it's been such a blessing. I feel that I'm not a Canadian. I'm not an American. I'm a citizen of the world because I belong to the Worldwide Organization of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I can go anywhere in the world and there is something for me to do. There is always something for me to do. Another area where I can be useful is instant forgiveness. I drive a little hot yellow convertible and I had taken it out of the shop on Wednesday and on Thursday morning I'm going to work. And I stop at the traffic light and this guy smashed into me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And what I heard was Lynn's smile. If I hadn't said my prayers, I would not have heard that. And thank you, Amanda, by the way, for this powerful experience this morning. And so here comes this young man, well, about 40 or so, and he was just crying. So he came up to me and I said, it's okay. You made the mistake. He was crying more. So we pulled over, and he said, you're not going to believe this, but I just got fired. My wife is divorcing me, and this is my mother-in-law's car, and it's not insured. So I gave him a hug. By now he's sobbing. He said to me, you are the first person who has been nice to me in a long, long time. So we exchanged information, and I called him in the afternoon. He was all perked up, like this experience was transforming to him. And he said, I could not have imagined a nicer person to crash into. I said, thank you. So this is the beautiful, colorful world. That I get to live with you if I'm praying and meditating and living my life in the moment. I was telling you the mixed nuts story, and I just figured out this morning why it upset me so much to watch this guy at the store picking out his favorite nuts out of the mixed nut bag. Because I wanted to buy them too, and I was worried he was picking out my favorite. And that's the truth. It is always. It is always about me. But what happens if I am current in my program is that I can be aware of that. And take an appropriate tack and connection. And we talk about prayers and sponsorship. See, if you have sponsors, they can tell you things that usually are not talked about. We know little tricks. Like it's said in the big book, we're not to pray for selfish things. We're not to pray for selfish things. We're not to pray for selfish things. Well, there is a little detour to that. One time I wanted a new motorcycle, and so I asked a girlfriend of mine to pray that I get the motorcycle. And I got it. See? So you can report husbands. You can find little tricks. Little loopholes. And we meditate also. And meditation is a little bit more complicated. I was sober. I was sober for a few months, and my sponsor is telling me, yes, we meditate, and 20 minutes sounds like a good time. So I put little images on the wall and burn incense and candles that it's a girl thing. And then I have the kitchen timer over there at 20 minutes, and I cross my legs, and I sat on the floor. Then I heard a dog bark out in the street and the refrigerator humming, and I began to salivate thinking about the ice cream I would have afterwards. And there was a. Fly buzzing around, and my shoulder is itching, but you can't scratch it because you can't move. And I began to rehearse what I would tell that jerk who just broke up with me, what I'd tell him the next time I saw him. And then I was worried about how I would pay the rent at the end of the month, which was coming up in three weeks. And my leg was trying to go numb, and I was afraid. I opened my eye, and it had been a minute and a half. We are busy. I had another. Meditation about two years ago. And this is how this one went. The topic was, dear God, I am here waiting for you. Please talk to me. Silence. I heard the birds sing, followed with, I am those birds, and it put a big smile on my heart. Silence. One of my little dogs started to bark, followed with, I am that dog. God is loving me through my pets. And I am John. Oh, whoa. John is my husband. So I quietly contemplated upon that. And what I understood was that John is not God, but God is John. God loves me through my husband, loves me through my pet, loves me through Ria, through Maggie, through Susan, and God loves you through your child, your little grandbaby, Frank, through nature, through this beautiful island. We are so well connected. We've heard it throughout the weekend, how much love there is, how we are loved through one another. And I know. I knew this was the expression of my higher power connecting with me. I'm healing, and I'm going to be taking care of you. There was about 25 years of spiritual growth between those two meditations. And this is the hope that you've given me. If I continue to practice, I will grow in understanding and effectiveness. I will know a new peace and a new freedom, even through the hardship. That little dog, Misty, has meant so much to me because of having the broken heart. And I've had her for about 12 years. And when I had a boo-boo, I'd go home. I lived alone throughout my sobriety. And I would pray to God, and I would hold Misty like slow dancing with her to soothe myself with her. And March 26, last year, she unexpectedly died at 3 a.m. And I've never experienced grief before, and I've never watched anyone die before. And I just lost it. To this day, this has been the most painful experience in my life. So I looked at little Misty, and then I just had to go out the door. And it was grisly, and it was cold, raining, and I was barefooted in my bathroom. And I walked, and my knees buckled. And I said, And I walked, and my knees buckled. And I was absolutely inconsolable. So in the morning, my husband said, And I came to you, and I was inconsolable. And you put your arms around me. And not one of you said, Oh, it's because you're a woman, or that's just a dog. How could you? You just put your arms around me, and you loved me. And I was sharing that at a meeting in Florida several months ago. And after the meeting, this very dignified, handsome man came up to me. He was maybe 70 years old with a flock of white hair and deep blue eyes. I love blue eyes. And he said, Lynn, I was in the military for 25 years. I saw my buddies blown up. I have lost family members. But nothing has hurt me like when that little Pekingese died. My feelings were the same. We can come to Alcoholics Anonymous and not only share our dark secrets, but also our sorrows. And we can heal together. And so for the next 24 hours, I was still just being unable to sleep. And on Sunday morning, I said, Honey, I'm going to take a shower. Please take me to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And he did that. And I was sober for those two days, back to back, going through something very difficult. The next two weeks, nothing changes. Just unconsolable. I was speaking at a conference up in Washington. And there were about 2,000 people there. And the feeling, it had the buzz of a Super Bowl in that it was not a tent. It was actually a big room. And their loss. And I couldn't feel anything. Just that dull ache. I could not have been. I could not have been more smack in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous than I was that day. I was raised in boot camp AA, where you have to have commitments. For my first 20 years of sobriety, I was going to four meetings a day, always under sponsorship, always having commitments, sponsoring, showing up, taking the steps daily since I got sober. I had just attended six meetings or so that weekend. I was a Sunday morning speaker. It was a packed house. And they took me to the airport. I found myself alone. And the pain came back like anesthesia wearing off after surgery. And I got despondent. I thought, you know, this will never change. It's always going to be like this. I don't want to live my life like that. This isn't worth it. I got on that little commuter plane, and I was claustrophobic anyway. And I... I was not breathing well. It lasted 20, 25 minutes, and I was not doing well at all. And the liquor cart came down and stopped about two feet from me, and she's pouring a drink. This has never happened to me in my sobriety. I thought this would make it go away, even just for a little while. And I began to salivate. And then I was mortified. Oh, my goodness. If I take that drink, I'm going to have to get drunk. I'm powerless over this. Dear God, please take this away from me. And his grace descended upon me. And it's not that I'm anything special, but you don't think that the Sunday morning speaker got drunk on the plane on the way home. You just don't think about that. And it is said in our literature that in the life of all alcoholics, there will be a moment in which there is no... There will be no defense against that first drink except for a power higher than we are. And I was in that plane. My sponsor was not there, human power. There was no way to go to a meeting to meet with you, and you are human power. Didn't have a big book. I was stuck there except for a higher power. This is how life and death this is for me. I am as safe as the steps that I've... I've taken today. That's it. To be really, really close with this higher power who is as close as the breath through my nostrils. To be aware of that presence so I can stay sober another day. And I made it home sober. The pain stayed the same for two more weeks. Now it's been about a month. But I was listening to different sharing, reading different things. I've gone to grief. I've gone to grief. I've gone to grief. I've gone to counseling. And my stream of consciousness was different. And then I thought, Lynn, you can take the steps on grief. As human as it is, you have a part in this. And so I thought, okay, I'll take the steps. Well, I am powerless over death. It's inevitable. And my life certainly is unmanageable if I'm filled with that ick. I am not present to help a newcomer. I'm not present at work. I'm not present in my marriage. As human as it is. And I came to believe that God could restore me to emotional health. And I gave my life, my will, and my grief to God. And then I had to look at my part. As human as it is. And it was self-will. I wanted her alive and God wanted her dead. Defiance. Self-pity. I gave that to God. I shared it with others. And the next day I went on my regular jog and Misty came with me. She was like airborne, maybe a foot from the ground with her little ears flapping. And she looked so happy and we're running together. Then I turned left. And then she said, okay, Mom, I'm on my way now. I know you're safe. You can go to Daddy. You couldn't do that when I was there. And she was gone and the pain left. Like it fell from me. Never to return. And I said, okay, Mom, I'm on my way now. And I can tell you today that no matter what we go through, on the other side, there is peace and joy once more. No matter what it is. And I'm so grateful that I have you to go through these difficult experiences until I get to the beyond. You've always been here. And our dreams come true too. When I was about three years sober, I had a chance to go work in Switzerland. And it was one of my dreams. And I was so happy. And it fell through. Well, last December, my husband got a call from his work. And they said, we really like your work. Do you want to come and work at our headquarters in Switzerland? So we're moving to Switzerland in May for about three years. And it's just so wonderful. Our little dogs, of course, they're coming with us. That's not optional. We adopted little Barney. And he looks just like Misty. Except he doesn't bite like she did. And what I understand is that it is Misty. And she did the best she could in between both lives. And you should see the little clothes. The time I spent on the Internet to buy them little winter coats with the hood and the faux fur around the hood. And Cream Puff is a little Bichon, nine pounds, creamy white. And the little outfit is pink. And the brand is Pinkaholic of New York. So we're going to start a brand new adventure. And that's created some fear with me. Fear of being alone. And it's thinking my husband's going to get all busy. I'm going to lose all my friends, my AA connection. So I might as well divorce him now and save myself the hassle. You know, that's how my head works. I need you. I will always need you. I cannot, I should not be let loose. I should not be let loose. And for those of you who are new, I'd share with you about that little dog. One day I went to the pet store and I never thought I'd have a dog. And there was a rescue foundation there. And they had 12, 15 boisterous little dogs who looked pretty healthy except Misty. She'd been found starving. She was just five pounds. She should have been 10. And her fur was missing because of the malnutrition. She was coughing, wheezing. She was just petrified. They just found her, put her in that cage. And I put my hand in there. She kissed it and I started to cry. I said, honey, you're coming home. We'll work it out. Now I've picked my men the same way, but that's, yeah. Susan identifies with that. And so that pathetic little dog who was on her way to be euthanized, she was a biter. And in order for this pathetic, nothing, dangerous little dog to have the life of a little princess that she had with me, this is, she loved fresh salmon, just to tell you how bad this is. This is what, this wondrous higher power had to orchestrate to save her life. The lady who found her near the border who took her to the pound, the people who were at the pound to receive Misty, Penny, the president of the foundation who goes to the pound regularly to get those little dogs, Penny, with the help of volunteers who show up at the pet store every Saturday to have the little dogs adopted, me who passed by, who fell in love with her, who took her home. Now, if this higher power could stoop so to save the life of this nothing little dog, what do you think he's not going to do for any one of us? And if ourselves were not wheezing, coughing, dejected, underweight, unwanted, malnourished, in cages, I'll bet of our own making. If you're new, and you think your problems are insurmountable, hers certainly were. God is big. God is smart. If you're new, you know, the good news is that you've already been scooped up. We are your new adoptive family. We want nothing from you. We just want to love you and help you stay sober one day at a time. What we have is a daily reprieve based upon the maintenance of a spiritual condition. Daily means today I need to get on my knees in my sobriety, garden and water it with the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Pull out the weeds that grew overnight. Fertilize. Prune daily. The maintenance. Maintenance is a word of action. It's not based on spiritual condition where I decide every morning if I'm fit enough. And if I don't think I am, then I take a step. And if I think I am, I don't. You don't want to leave it up to me to decide what my spiritual condition is. The maintenance requires, just like a car, no matter what, at certain times we do certain things. And this is what we share with you if you're new. And I beg you to keep a very short leash to Alcoholics Anonymous. And what that means to me today with 29 years and 10 months of sobriety is that I call my sponsor regularly, that I go to meetings regularly, that I take the steps daily, that I attend a big book study and that I have, that I have commitments. Thank you so much, Walt, for giving me this commitment in Alcoholics Anonymous. It gives me a chance to give back to you what was so freely given to me. And it gives me a chance to feel anchored in my sobriety. I have places to show up. I just finished a gig as a chip chick at the women's meeting and I was talking about that out of state and after the meeting, this man said, chip chick, that's such a cool name. Here we call them token presenter. And he said, what do you do if it's a man? I said, oh, let me think. You replace the second CH with a D. So I love to have my hands in the dough and keep being a part of this thing. And I would like to leave you with a prayer today. My sobriety today, June 22nd, 1982, is the most important nugget of information to know about me. It's the day that the only good life I have ever known began. It's the day that you took me in without asking me any question. And it's the day that I begin this journey with this wonderful higher power. And I carry my sobriety date not like a jewel on a crown or a feather to a panache, but as a very special treasure in my heart. And my prayer is that we get to keep, forever and ever, the sobriety day that we have today. And I want to thank you and Ron and Beverly for mine. Thank you for listening. Thank you.