People-Pleasing as Compulsion: When the Need for Approval Runs Exactly Like Alcoholism – Amy V.

I've known about AA since 1988. I did not think that AA was for me. The first meeting kind of scared me off because I was very young and it was a bunch of old people with a room full of smoke. And I could not imagine being 50 or 60 years old and living that long and not going out and partying. I was not ready. So I had to take 20 more years off in research. And it led me through all kinds of stuff. Yale's institutions, the only thing that wasn't there was death. And I do not want to go there today. I came here February 15th of 2008, asked for help, received it in abundance, sometimes more than what I asked for. But you know what? I needed it. I look back now and I can definitely say I needed it. And I'm very grateful to be here. Now the group's asked me to remind you again to please make sure your cell phones are off and to refrain from moving around or talking while they're on. And then the group was charged and charged again for death, child abuse. And on a weekly basis because I've worked too long at the CEOhell program. As high pressure as anybody is on the CEOhell program, I'll make sure there's a deeper dig into how to resolve this issue. I'll try to make it clear to you as a guest on this program as if it were I couldn't have possibly achieved something like this. So that's it. I want to raise five questions that are PlaJ Wednesday and I still have to take five, but I am able to manage a thousandvicolia.ining that's And that is, I want to be there for the five more years and probably without accidentally being accused of divorce which I have just rocket neuen señaled as the world's biggest names these days. I'm not yet defined or authorized. So punches on the face is me. Too bad you did not believe me. No, forget it. some hardships and how they got through it. And so you came here to hear her and not me, so without further ado, here's Amy V. Oh, V, V. Hi, I'm Amy, I'm an alcoholic. Hi. And how's my volume? Can everyone hear me? I'm kind of soft spoken, so. How's that? Better? Okay, my sobriety date is September 22nd of 2007, so I got like about two and a half years, and my life has dramatically changed from when I've walked in the doors. Before I came in, I felt lost. I was never really, I never really knew myself, but even, even when I was a child, I never really knew what I wanted or what I liked or really anything about me. I always looked to my friends and other people as a barometer, you know, and like my best friend's favorite color was purple, then I liked purple. And if our favorite band was the Offspring, then I liked the Offspring. And, you know, I had to look at other people to gauge what I should be and what I should like and what I should do. Backing up from that a little bit, my childhood was pretty normal. Well, compared to some of the horror stories I've heard. I had loving parents. My dad was in the military and he lived in Germany. And me and my mother lived here in Florida. You know, the biggest reason for that is because my parents didn't like each other very much. But I had a lot of friends that were very friendly with me. So, you know, I had a lot of friends that were very friendly with me. So, you know, I had a lot of friends that were very friendly with me. So, you know, I had a lot of friends that were very friendly with me. He came home and I was in second grade. And they were constantly fighting about whatever, very negative household all the time. And that example, you know, I took that example and decided to, you know, build a resentment against that. Because what the hell are they doing? You know, why don't they just get divorced and be happy like normal people do? Why do they have to stay together? You know, and I was told that they got divorced, you know, before I was born or right around when I was born or something like that. And they got remarried so that I could have two parents that were married. You know, they did it for me. And instead of saying, instead of thinking what a loving thing they did, I thought of all the pressure that that put on me. You know, they were together and they hated each other. But they stayed together because of me. And I'm the one that was keeping them together. And I'm the one that was keeping them together. And I'm the one that was keeping them in this angry state. So that's how I felt growing up. And as I got older, that got worse and worse and worse. Also growing up, my best friend that lived behind me, his dad, whenever I would go over there, I never liked to go inside the house because his dad would always take me and have me sit on his lap. And he wouldn't let me up. And he would always like to, you know, and it's supposed to be like PG, but I like to share this because I know a lot of people have had traumas like this in their childhood. You know, it was never full on skin on skin contact, but it definitely affected me. I felt helpless. I felt out of control. You know, I finally, when I was about in fifth grade, I told my mom, you know, that this man makes me sit on his lap and I don't like it. And, you know, I didn't go into any more detail than that because I was scared. And my mom kind of blew it off. I think it was just, not that she didn't love me, I think it was just too much for her to handle and she didn't know what to do. But that also affected me too because I felt like she didn't do anything. You know, what the hell? And then I felt bad. Well, maybe if I told her sooner, then it wouldn't have happened as much. And maybe if I did this, then it would have changed things. And, you know, and that was something that I dealt with young, younger and eventually repressed and totally forgot about and repressed it until I came into these rooms and did my fourth step. That's that. And as I grew up, again, I always judged myself on my friends. I wanted to be cool. I wanted to be popular. So, but not too much because then people would really pay attention to me, you know. Then they would see who I really was. So I kind of had to stay just under the radar enough so where I was okay. Okay. Okay. But, you know, I always thought I was different. You know, for some reason I thought I was different from everybody else. I don't really know why. And I just always had to judge myself based upon what everybody else thought of me. And I took my first, well, I first got drunk when I was 18 on my senior trip. And I drank so much that I had a blackout. I puked all over the pool deck. I woke up again the next day and I wanted to do it all over again. I loved it. I loved it. And not necessarily the puking part, but I just loved the feeling that alcohol gave me. All the stuff that, all the feelings inside that I thought, you know, the bad feelings were gone. You know, the I'm not good enough, the I'm not pretty enough, the I'm not smart enough. All that stuff was gone. And what I got from the alcohol was confidence. I felt good about myself. I didn't give a shit about all the other people who I worried about constantly, about pleasing, being good enough for. I didn't worry anymore. And I felt cool and I felt great and nothing could touch me. You know, I just felt on top of the world. And it was wonderful. And then I went to college. I continued drinking mostly at parties and stuff like that. You know, and everybody drinks crazy in college. That's what I thought. So I didn't really see a difference from other people's behaviors than mine at first. And I was like, I'm going to go to college. I'm going to go to college. I'm going to go to college. I'm going to go to college. I'm going to go to college. I'm going to go to college. I'm going to go to college. And as I got older, you know, I just got more and more. And when I turned 21, that's when, you know, it really got started. That's when all bets were off because I could buy it anywhere I wanted at any time. And I did. I got to a point where everything seemed better with alcohol. So I thought I was brilliant. And I'm like, oh, well, you know, if parties are better with alcohol, then maybe lunch would be better with alcohol. And if lunch is better with alcohol, maybe going to the movies is better with alcohol. And maybe miniature golf is better with alcohol. And maybe amusement parks are better with alcohol. And maybe work is better with alcohol. That one really helped me. And what else? Everything. Family gatherings, everything was better with alcohol. I thought I was really smart when I got my little water bottle and I filled it with my vodka. And I could take it around everywhere I went, you know, because it looked just like water. And, you know, vodka doesn't smell as bad as rum. So then I could drink it easier. So that's what I did all the time. And things got worse and worse and worse. And as I added events that I could drink at to my repertoire, that meant I drank more and more often. And it got to a point where I drank all the time, every day, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. And I was like, I'm going to be a good drinker. Morning, noon, and night, all the time. I had alcohol. When I woke up in the morning, I had a drink on my way to work. By lunchtime, you know, I either had it in my car or I would go out and buy it. And usually I couldn't make it from lunchtime to the end of my work day without drinking. So I started drinking at work. And even that accelerated. I drank through a couple of jobs. The one job that I really liked that I got right out of college, I loved it. It was an awesome job. And eventually I was forced to resign. I got that option instead of actually getting fired, which I thought was great so I could get my vacation paid out to me. And for my inability, they had a, they weren't confident in my ability to lead the team. I was a manager at the time. And I thought, that's a bunch of crap. Like, I can lead this team. Where's my Zephyr Hills bottle? I'll lead them right off a cliff. You know. And not just the drinking at work, but the other behaviors weren't there. I mean, of course, the drinking was a huge thing. But, you know, going out with my employees and sleeping with several of the young guys there. And just crazy stuff that, you know, normal people do not do. And, yeah, so I got rid of that. I lost that job and got another one. And, yeah. I'm not sure. And, you know, same type of thing. Only accelerated. I don't think I made it past the first week without taking my little drink in there with me to work. Same type of thing. I didn't make it about a month until I picked up one of the workers there and had to date him. Yeah. And it was just the same thing over and over again, except for this one lasted six months and the other one was like two years. So I'm accelerating. And then I quit that job. I put in my two weeks. And, you know, the next day the boss came up. And was like, oh, well, you know, we're going to let you go early. We're going to just let you go now. You know, and I was pissed. And I'm like, well, you know, how people say, oh, you can't fire me. I quit. I'm like, it's the reverse. You know, I can't quit. You're going to fire me. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I showed up about six hours late. Nothing to do with that whatsoever. All right. So I moved on. I got another job eventually. It's a women's clothing store. All women work there except for one guy. The stock guy. So immediately I have to run after him. The only guy in the place. I got to go get him. You know, after a couple, well, we started there in August of 2007. So it wasn't quite a month. And, you know, I got him to go out with me. And we went to SeaWorld. And at the time they had the little beer stands where they gave away the free beer samples. I was like, well, let's go get the free drinks. And he's like, oh, no, no, I don't drink. And I thought that was really weird. I'm like, well, you don't drink? What do you mean? He's like, I don't drink. I'm like, well, do you mind if I drink? He's like, no. I'm like, all right, well, let's go. Because, you know, I needed something. It had been a couple hours. And so off we go to the beer stand. And I have my beers. And, you know, I don't even like beer. But it's just something, you know. And I have my drinks. And we go walking around. And it stuck in my head, though, that he didn't drink. And I still didn't get it. So, you know, throughout the whole day, I would find places where I could ask questions. And just be like, so do you just not drink because you don't want to? Or, you know, little probing questions here and there to try to figure this thing out. And by the end of the night, he finally told me his story. And he told me that he was an AA and that he was an alcoholic. He told me, you know, all the horror stuff beforehand. And even though we were pretty different and our stories were different, there was enough similarities to where I could see, you know, that he had a big problem, like as much as I did. And if he could get, if he could stop drinking, then maybe I could, too. So at that point, well, before that, I considered myself hopeless, too. And I've shared this before. I thought I would just die before I hit 30. And by the end of it, I wouldn't have to try anymore to control this drinking thing. And so at that point, I was given a ray of hope, you could say. And I was like, okay. And I was like, well, maybe it's not hopeless. You know, maybe there is hope for me yet. He gave me a big book. And I took it home. And I had my glass of wine. And I set it on my nightstand. And I started reading. And before I knew it, it was 430 in the morning. I was in, I think it was Chapter 5, the end to action about the steps. And I looked over. And I noticed that I hadn't had a sip of my wine. And I was amazed. I mean, that was the longest I've gone in years. And, you know, then of course I had to drink it because I can't waste it. But that was a big step. And I thought there's really something to this. When I read that book, I related to it immediately. When I read Bill's story, this guy in the 30s, you know, I thought this is going to be ridiculous. But I actually related to what this guy had wrote down on paper. All these feelings I had that I thought nobody else understood. And no one could ever understand. And I was different. It was all written down in black and white. And it was right there in front of me. And I couldn't believe it. So I came to a meeting. My first one, I almost made it. I made it all the way to the parking lot sober. And then I had to drink before I walked in the door because I was too scared. And I sat in the back. I didn't talk to anybody. And I ran out the door afterwards. Didn't really hear what was said at all. You know, I was just really scared. My second meeting, I actually did not drink before. And I sat up front of the door. And I got my white chip. And I met the lady that would become my sponsor. And the meeting after that, I was praying the whole way down that this lady would be there. Because I really, she made me feel comfortable. And I was so scared. I was shaking. I was so scared at these meetings. And this one person made me feel comfortable. And, you know, she was there. And I definitely think that was a God thing. And I wanted to ask her to be my sponsor. But, again, I was so scared. I went up to her and I was like, oh, well. You know. I feel like I want to do something so that I can stay sober. She's like, well, do you want to work the steps? And I'm like, yes. She's like, okay, well, do you want me to sponsor you? I'm like, yes, please. And so she became my sponsor. And thank God for that. Because I don't think I could have found a better match if I tried. And we started working the steps. And, you know, I was scared. And I was worried about, you know, step nine and step this and that. And she told me, you're not there yet. So don't worry about it. And I can do that because I was a big procrastinator. I don't push it to the side until I have to deal with it. That's fine. And I went on my way. I worked the steps. Before I came in here, I was afraid of the word God. I went to church when I was younger. And it didn't really help me. You know, I tried praying. I remember praying in high school. I remember one instance. I was in this classroom that I didn't like and I felt so uncomfortable. And I'd be like, God, please help me to be cool. Like these are my prayers. Like, God, please help me not to say anything stupid. Like stuff like that. And, you know, and the whole religion thing, it didn't click for me. You know, like a lot of people can find a relationship with God. And I've heard them talk about it in these churches. And that just didn't work for me. You know, and I said I was saved. And I said the prayers. And I sang the songs. But I never felt it in my heart. And that didn't happen until I came into these rooms. And when I first saw the word God, I, um, it scared me. And I said, well, this isn't going to help. And I've already been there. And, um, but then when I read the big book, and I read that to the agnostics chapter, it really helped me. You know, it really helped me with the whole idea of a God of my understanding. Nobody's forcing anything down my throat. Nobody's saying that I'm wrong for thinking or believing in anything. Um, and that I can develop this relationship at my own pace. I don't have to feel what everybody else feels at this church. And I don't have to do everything everybody else doesn't have to do. It can be mine. You know, and for me, that's what really worked. Because there was no pressure. You know, and it could be real. And, um, and I didn't have to gauge my spirituality based upon everybody else. And, um, so that was good. That's what got me to about step two. Step one, I knew before I came in here. I did the work anyway. But I was hopeless before I walked in the door. So that was, you know, that was done. Um, did the work for that. Step two, you know, believe in the idea that there's a higher power. And turn my will over to that. Um, that was scary because that felt a little churchy to me. Um, but someone told me, I heard in a meeting, that, um, God's will is to do the rest of the steps. Just think of it that way. And so I did. I'm like, alright, well I'm going to finish these things. And, um, and I continued. Um, step four and step five for me were huge. Because like I said before, I never really knew myself. I thought, I didn't know. I don't know why I didn't know myself. I just didn't. And when I did step four, it was the first time in my life that I could see myself clearly. You know, I thought I was a good person. I was very delusional. Um, I didn't think I was a liar. I didn't think I was, I didn't think I was selfish. I didn't think I was hurtful or dishonest. Um, but I was. You know, and I truly believed that I wasn't at the time. Um. And until I did step four is when I could see my true actions for what they were. I could see all my patterns. I could see all the bad stuff about me. I could see all my sluttiness. With all the different people I ran after. And I could see my fears. And the truth of the matter was, is that I was, the first one on my list was I was afraid to be alone. And, um, and I was, that was a big one. You know, and people, one of my best friends told me that early on. She was like, you're, you know, you need to slow down. You're, you know, you need to slow down with these relationships. I think you're just afraid to be alone. And I said, nuh-uh. And I went like a month without a boyfriend. I was like, see, I told you. Now where's the next one? You know. And, um, you know, but it was true. I really was afraid to be alone. Um, because I was so uncomfortable with myself. And, um, you know, one of the other ones was I was afraid that people wouldn't approve of me. And that was another big one. You know, I spent my whole life running around doing things that I thought would get me the approval. And in doing those things, it was like shooting myself in the foot. You know, I would, I would do this over here to please that person. But then ten other people would be like, what is she doing? You know, like I would lie so that people would think that, would think good of me. But then the people that knew the truth would see my lies. You know, like that kind of thing. And, um, then I would do things that I didn't want to do. Um, I was afraid to say no to anyone. Because if I said no, they wouldn't like me and they would disapprove of me. I had to agree with them. I had to agree with whatever everybody else was doing. And, um, not being afraid to say no got me into a lot of trouble. Um, even in my first couple months of sobriety, I did some things that were worse than when I was drinking. You know, like I just, I went to my swabs and crying my eyes out one day. Because I couldn't believe I had gotten myself into this kind of mess again. And it was worse than it ever was when I was drinking. And here I am. You know, what is wrong with me? And, um, that's when it rang true to me that I wasn't just powerless over alcohol. I was powerless over a lot of things. Um, I was powerless over this, this relationship stuff, too. Um, because I treated it, I treated relationships almost like alcohol. You know, it was like an obsession. Like I had to, I had to have somebody in my life that approved of me. And, um, and... Um... I don't know. Um, and that was the moment that I realized that. And... I don't have that anymore. Um, through working the steps, I continued. Um, I found out all these things about me, um, that I didn't know were there. Those two are the big ones. Um, other things with relationships were I cannot validate myself through sex. Sex does not equal a relationship. And these were like revelations to me. Um, and I, and I knew... That they weren't true to begin with. But for some reason, I was like, this time it's gonna be different. You know, just like the alcohol. This time I'm gonna control it. This time I'm gonna stay with this guy and I'm not gonna cheat on him. You know, this time I'm gonna be the good girl. This time I'm gonna do what's right. And, um, and I never did. Ever. And, um, once I could see all these patterns and why I did the things that I did. Why I had these fears. Why I was being dishonest. Why, you know, all the whys behind it. But, um, it gave me a turning point. Because I could be empowered to not do that anymore. You know? Um, and that was a really hard time. Like the last person on my resentment list was me. Because by the time I got done with it, I was so mad at myself for doing all these things. And, um, the only relief I got from that was, you know, when I did step five. My sponsor did them all too. You know, I wasn't the only one. You know, everybody else has done it too. And, um, you know, and that comforted me. And then the power to make new, you know, make different choices now was very comforting to me as well. Um, you know, asking God to remove that stuff from me was easy for me. Because I didn't want it. I truly, I honestly didn't want to be that way. I never wanted to be that way. I wanted to be, you know, a good person. I, you know, I wanted to be respectable. I wanted to be everything. Everything that my parents wanted me to be. You know, everything that my teachers wanted me to be. I wanted to always live up to that expectation. And I knew in my heart that I couldn't. Um, but at this point, what I learned is that I can still want to be a certain way. You know, I can still want to achieve goals. Um, and I can work towards it. That's the big one. I have to work towards it. And also, it's, um, progress, not perfection. I'm never going to be perfect. And I'm never going to end up perfect. And I'm never going to attain all those expectations that were set for me. Um, but that's okay. You know, it's, I don't have to. Um, you know, the pressure's off. Um, let's see. I continued working the steps. Eight and nine, um, were really scary. I didn't want to approach anybody, um, about anything. But I did, because I wanted to pretend like it didn't happen. And, um, you know, push forward. Continue. Continue on. So I did. The first person I made amends to started in with all these questions. So, did you really cheat on me on July 20th of 2000? I'm like, oh, God. You know, and I get all nervous. And I'm going to have to tell the truth. And I was like, wait a second. I was told no details. That has nothing to do with anything. You know, I'm here to apologize how I hurt somebody. You know, I don't need to go into my whole life story with this person. So, you know, I said, um, I'm paraphrasing here. I told this person, well, I'm not going to get into details. I do want to apologize for hurting you. Um, you know, but then that's all I'm going to get into. And, um, and that was that. And that was, that was easy. And I'm glad it happened that way on the first one, because it prepared me for everything else. Most of the other ones were easy. And they weren't that bad. But, um, but after I did them, after I did what I call, you know, my action amends, the people I need to seek out and make amends to, um, I felt such a relief. And I felt like a whole person again. That was the first time that I could ever remember feeling that way. I felt whole. I felt okay with myself. I, um, had true confidence. You know, not the cocky, whatever kind, but true confidence in myself as a person. Um, you know, I found out that I could be a whole person with God. I didn't need anybody else's approval. And I didn't need to worry anymore. And, um, and the first time I realized I had that was when I went to work and I had this crazy boss who was always down my throat about stuff. And, um, and I could never stand up to her. I could never say anything. I would just, yes ma'am, and run away even though, you know. And, um, one day I went in there and she's yelling at me about something or other. And, um, and I stood up for myself. And not in a mean way. But I just said, you know, I'm sorry you feel that way. I tried to do this. And if that's not working, I'll do this in the future. And her jaw dropped and it was amazing. And, you know, she walked away in a huff because, you know, she didn't like that. But, um, but I felt so good. I felt so good. And that's when it hit me. I'm like, wow, I really have changed. And, um, you know, I could stand there and tell the truth and stand up to this crazy, you know, overbearing person and believe in myself. And, um, and that was amazing. And, um, you know, the rest of the steps I continue. You know, I think of the steps as more of like a staircase instead of just one and you're done. And I like to build on it and continue to practice all of them all the time. And, um, you know, the other ones, 10, 11, and 12, are the ones that I'm still currently working on. You know, I thought I had done them pretty well. But, um, you know, there's always room for improvement. Um, especially for me with 11. I feel my idea of a higher power is still pretty vague to me. Um, it's just somebody that doesn't want me to drink and is up there and is watching me, you know, can save me. Um, so I'd like to start seeking more. And I think I'm saying this more for me so that people can all be accountable. Um, but I'd like to start seeking more and becoming closer to my higher power and just, instead of just leaving it the way it is. Um, yeah. And there I am with that. But, um, helping others is difficult for me, too. I remember when I first got to step 12, I was like, how in the world can I help anybody? Because I'm scared of everybody still. I still had this little twinge of fear in me. You know, um, how am I going to start conversations? What am I going to say? How am I going to say it? You know, and I still get that way sometimes. I think it's just part of my personality that I can be shy. And, um, I don't like to approach people and stuff like that. And that's okay. I don't have to be the outgoing person like I see other people do. I don't have to be exactly like them. I can be me. I can still help people, you know, in my own way. I don't have to do it exactly like everybody else does it. Um, and that's fine. You know, as long as I'm good with my higher power and I'm doing the steps to the best of my ability, then I'm okay. You know, I don't have to judge myself based upon everybody else in these rooms or out of these rooms, for that matter. And, um, and that's a wonderful feeling. It truly is. Um, a lot of other things have changed in my life since I've gotten sober. I have gotten married. And, um, the one thing that I thought about while I was drinking, when I was thinking about quitting and coming in here, I was like, well, what am I going to do, like, at my wedding or at a funeral? Or, you know, how am I not going to drink through that? You just have to. And, you know, you just have to. And, um, and I ended up getting married last May. And there was no alcohol there, even though I was being pressured to put in a bar by my parents who don't even drink. Go figure. And I'm like, you know, my husband's also in the program, which many of you know. And I'm like, that just doesn't represent who we are. You know, this is our wedding. It doesn't represent us. We don't need it there. And, um, and so there was no alcohol there. And it was the best day of my life. It was so much fun. I, there's about 50 people there. It was a lot of fun. And I wasn't scared. You know, I could talk to my relatives. I could see his and our friends. And I could truly be happy and comfortable with everybody that was in the room. And, um, that was amazing. It was really one of the happiest days of my life that I can think of. Um, I also got pregnant. It was actually about two weeks after we got engaged is when I found out I was pregnant. And, um, that was the scariest thing that has happened to me since I've been sober. Or probably in my life. Um, I was so scared the whole time. I was scared. Um, I didn't deal with the fear very well. I, you know, when I look back on it, I see how I could have gotten more involved in the program and gone to the solution more. And all the, I should have done this type of stuff. And, um, you know, for a while when I was pregnant and after I had the baby, I kind of suffered from the I can'ts. You know, I thought, I can't go to the meeting because I'm pregnant. I can't go to the meeting because I'm too tired or I'm too this or I can't, you know, I just thought I couldn't do things. I can't wake up in the morning. You know, I can't do all this stuff. Um, and it, you know, it really kind of got me away from things and kind of in my own little bubble, isolated where it was safe. And, um, and when I look back on it, I don't know how much of the I can'ts were real or fancied. Because I know a lot of stuff. There are a lot of limitations when you're in that, you know, that kind of position. So I don't know how much of it was real and how much of it wasn't. Um, but what I got from that experience was to, to go towards the solution faster. Um, because there was a lot of fear. I remember when I was going to have the baby, I was having a planned C-section because he was breech. And, um, when I went in there, I was shaking so much that they had to give me sedatives in order to even give me the epidural to have the procedure done. I was so frightened. And, um, and when we go, when I go through things like that, when I look back on it now, I could have really used more support. You know, and the support is there. I just didn't ask for it. I just didn't want it. Um, I wanted to sit in my own little corner and relish in it. And, you know, that was a huge learning experience for me. Um, so I like to keep that close to my heart. Because, um, I feel like I could have enjoyed that time more if I had gone towards the solution. So, in saying that, as frightened as I was after I had the baby, um, everything was okay. You know, ta-da! It was like magic. Um, you know, it was just really a God thing. Um, and what I held true to why I had the baby, too, was, um, because I didn't think I was ready whatsoever at all. Um, you know, I wasn't even, the doctors told me I wasn't supposed to have children. Maybe I could if I had some type of fertility treatments going on or something. And, um, all of a sudden, bam. I'm pregnant. So I thought, that's a God thing. And, um, I'm scared to death, but I'm going to stick it out. And I made it through. And, um, now it's wonderful. Um, I still get scared every time I get sick or every time something new happens. I get scared. But what I've learned, and through the whole pregnancy thing, is what I've learned is to go towards the solution quickly. Don't wait it out. Because, um, it doesn't make it any better. Um, I feel like I've gotten a lot closer to the rooms and the things that I've been doing. Um, and I have friends in here again. Um, not that they went anywhere. I did. Um, you know, but I have, I feel closer. And that comforts me. And it helps me through any of these little things that happen in life, little or big. You know, whether the baby's sick or I'm sick or my boss is a jerk or, um, the house is a mess and the dog is barking. And what am I going to do? I'm so stressed out. I locked my keys in my husband's car and I can't go get him. I'm so stressed out. I'm so stressed out. I'm so stressed out. I'm so stressed out. I'm so stressed out. I'm so stressed out. I'm so stressed out. I'm so stressed out. I'm so stressed out. I'm so stressed out. I'm so stressed out. I'm so stressed out. I'm so stressed out. I'm so stressed out. I'm so stressed out. I'm so stressed out. I'm so stressed out. Um, you know. Whatever the traumatic thing is for that day, um, you know, there is a solution and I can come here and get it. It's that easy. Um, right now, there's been a lot of struggles through the family life and the baby and my husband and different things going on. Um, and it's not easy. It's not easy at all. Um, but I know, like I said, there's a solution and there's a way out. And... Sorry, I'm trying to decide what to go into. I think I'll just leave it at that. Yeah. There is a way out, and there is a solution there. And for me, that's the most important thing. I never thought I could have the things I have today. I never thought I could have a baby, because even if I did get pregnant, I wouldn't be able to have it, because I wouldn't be able to stop drinking for nine months, and it would come out all retarded. So I would have to, you know, with the fetal alcohol syndrome. So I wouldn't be able to have it, because I would mess it up. You know, if I ever got married, I probably wouldn't be able to be faithful to anybody long enough to stay married or even get engaged. No one would want to marry me. You know, I just, having a job for two and a half years, I couldn't do that, because I was losing every job I could get. You know, all these things that I thought I could never have and wasn't good enough for, you know, I couldn't do that. You know, have now been presented to me. And it's not because I got smarter or I got better or I got greater. It's because I found a program that led me to a higher power, to God. You know, and as I learned that my new purpose is to be of maximum service to Him, then as I do that, that's when I get the benefits. You know, that's when I get the rewards from God. You know, the things that I love. The things that I want and the confidence and the things that, you know, things I didn't even know I wanted. You know, I didn't know I wanted a baby. I was scared to death. I didn't know I wanted a family. I'm like, I thought I was still young. You know, what happened? I can't be a mom. My mom's a mom. And, you know, but now that I have it, I love it. You know, it's one of those things that, you know, they say God does for you what you can't do for yourself. You know, God gives me things that, that, that He wants me to have and the things that I need. Even when I don't know that I need them, you know, He prepares the way and does it for me. And that's an amazing thing to me. You know, and in two and a half years, I feel like I've gained this relationship with a real higher power. All the stuff that the churches talk about and the pastors preach about that I never believed was true because I didn't feel it, so they probably don't feel it either. It's true for me now. And I didn't find it anywhere but in these rooms. You know, I found it through working the steps. And that's how I've gotten this peace and serenity. And I don't keep it all the time. You know, things happen. And that is okay because I know where to go to get it back today. And I absolutely, bad times and good times, I absolutely love my life today. And I would not trade it for the world. I'm so glad that I could be here tonight. So, thank you guys. Thank you.