Only We Get Two Lifetimes — the Old Self Surrenders So the Stronger One Can Thrive – Susie D.

Let's have an AA meeting. My name's Tim R., and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers meeting on NABZoom, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership. And a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our NABZoom room tonight and listening later on aabluchipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear tonight's speaker. And we believe it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us will be able to hear tonight's speaker. And many of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I'm one of them too. I must have this thing. Tonight is with great pleasure that we're having Susie D. She's got her full name up there. Susie D., she has been sober since 2003. And about six years ago, she told her story in our rooms at NABBA Club. And Isla had suggested. That we invite her. And it was a big hit. She really has a good time in sobriety. She probably had a good time before sobriety. But she's able to resurrect herself. You'll know what I mean soon. As soon as she starts speaking. Go ahead, Susie. Susie Alcoholic. Thank you, Tim. My sobriety date is the 4th of July, 2003. That was my day of emancipation and freedom from the bondage of addiction. I loathe telling my story because I get so darn nervous. I don't know why. And yet, it should be a privilege when we're asked to do this. Because it is written that when someone survives a great test, it's their duty to tell their story. My memory is pretty poor, so I have a playlist here to keep it in chronological. So I don't lose you. The listener confused you. So don't judge me. But my goal tonight, if I can enthuse just a few members in AA tonight with the joys of Alcoholics Anonymous, then God has done his job today. And I pray that I would speak from my spirit, not my head. The language of my heart, not my ego. So I'll start out by saying, I'll talk about three different parts. First, what it was like. You know, many in the room say, they insist, don't tell a drunk-a-log. We don't want to hear a drunk-a-log cut right to the solution. And the problem with that is if we don't share our pain and our suffering, then the newcomers can't identify with us. If I just said, okay, I'm going to skip all the early part, and I'm just going to tell you how great it is now. So we want to identify. Second, I'll tell you what God did for me. And I use the word God, the God of my understanding, who I may call creator or spirit, because the word God is more relational to me. And it's used 134 times in our big book. And finally, I'll tell you what it's like today, how I had a complete psychic change. My change was radical. It's like, I tell, I had a full lobotomy and a complete heart transplant at one time. The old is gone and I'm set free. So after 28 years on pretty much vodka, I was dying of this fatal disease called alcoholism. It is the AMA calls it a disease because it has two components of a disease like cancer. It gets progressively worse. And it can be fatal. I would divide my life into three sets of nine years of, um, of my drinking career. And the first set of nine years, uh, it was great. Alcohol served me. Well, I was a party girl to the extreme drinking late into every night. The next set of nine years, I drank more to cope, you know, growing up as a human was getting stressful and I needed to anesthetize myself. I needed to anesthetize myself. I needed to anesthetize myself. I needed to anesthetize myself. I needed to anesthetize to cope with life on life's terms. And then the final set of my nine years in my drinking career, I drank because I had no choice. I was handicapped by my obsession of my mind and the physical allergy that in my body that set off the manifestation of endless cravings. I grew up in Madison, Wisconsin as a cheddar head. And I was raised in what I perceive. I was raised in what I perceive to be the most dysfunctional family on the planet. I, uh, but you know, the great speaker Clancy says we, with our addictive egos have a disease of perception. And I agree with that. My perceptions were work, but I had two problems. One was my mother who I was with bat at battle with for 40 years. I blamed her for me becoming an alcoholic. Uh, she was hyper. Religious. I was raised in the church with the churchy family. And, um, my God was some little babe thing out there up there, uh, spiritual blob that, you know, was there to induce in me fear, guilt, shame, and remorse. Like that, that was kind of the God I knew. And then imagine I come in the rooms of AA that, that taught me it's about relationship. With the God of your understanding, not religion and in the rooms, my God grew 10 times bigger, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, a God of mercy and forgiveness and unconditional love and mostly a power. And I feel so blessed for that. The big book talks about how the spirit now resides within us. So not far and distant. You know, at first I came in the room, said, and I thanked God for bringing me to AA and saving my life. But now I can thank God for the discovery of a new God for me. Today. I go to church on Sundays when I can to worship God, but I come to AA to serve God. I believe that the only way we can serve others is by serving God. The second problem I had was I had this urge to always run away like an escape artist. I don't know why I was born with this gypsy spirit. I had an insatiable desire to travel and see the whole world. I think the seed was planted in me by my parents who took in missionaries that we hosted. My friends would play with dolls as little girls and I'd collect globes and spin them of where I wanted to go. And then, you know, as I grew up, my first drink was funny. All my friends, we planned to get drunk, by siphoning off our parents' liquor. Well, my parents never allowed alcohol in the home. Um, so that Saturday I found a bottle of red wine vinegar in the cupboard and I drank the whole bottle thinking that would get me drunk and it didn't. But you know how disgusting and the point was, it showed the propensity, the thirst in me of what was to come later. High school, I was a heavy binger. I was a binge drinker. I tried all drugs. I could name them all. But suffice it to say that, you know, that Mikey commercial, my friends would always say, give it to Susie. She'll take anything. And I did. And I enjoy heavy stuff. I love tripping on bladder acid, but I loved alcohol more. In high school, I was a people pleaser. I grew up a people pleaser to the extreme, like a chameleon. I would take your coffee, put more colors on the of you and mirror your exact personality. I hung with the jocks and cheerleaders, the nerds and mathematicians, the smokers, the dopers, uh, pockets, even the special ed classes, everyone I wanted to like me. And you know, that was my false ego, just desperate. And I don't suffer from that today. I'm free to be my authentic self. But, some prominent things happened as I grew up later in life. I'll touch on them. In 1976, I was crowned Miss Wisconsin, and that was an honor. It was a wonderful year to do appearances around the state. My dad would come with me. It was so thrilling. But one appearance was in Milwaukee at the Rex Mays Classic races. And it tells you about my disease there. When we arrived, they had a trailer in the middle of the pit, with my name on it. I thought, that's cool. And I went inside, and there was a case of champagne. And I popped a bottle and I drank it. And I said, my Lord, it's like drinking stars. And I popped another bottle of champagne and I guzzled it like a Jägermeister. And I popped another bottle of champagne. It was just on complimentary. And then pretty soon it was time for me to go on stage and just say, a few words, gentlemen, start your engines, few other things. And I had to be escorted up the steps, carried up, and all that came out was slurred. Incomprehensible demoralization. I, you know, that's when my full-on drinking really began was in that 1976. Later, I went to school, had a successful career, made good money. Like Bill W. says, I had arrived, but I was getting thirstier and I had to kick up my drinking another notch. I had this itch and had to drink more. One day I heard the word, two words, flight attendant, and I was gone. I moved to Miami and I became a flight attendant for Eastern Airlines for 14 years. But I took what's called leave of absence six months every year off. So three months on, three months off, three months on, three months off. Those months were to travel. And I was broke. I lived on peanut butter and eggs. But, you know, it was, I felt like a millionaire with the free travel to go around the world. Now, my home became my suitcase and aircrafts were my higher power. Now, it was my full passion to just run away. And my goal was to visit a hundred countries, to get into the Century Club. And then I thought I'd quit, you know, but the love of travel proliferated itself. The more I saw, the more I wanted to see. And I became a fan of the third world. And that's where I love no plumbing, no electricity, no one speaks English. And I love the challenges of that. And I'd only go alone. I would invite no one else with me around the world because I didn't want to be accountable to anyone. And really, it was because I wanted to drink the way I wanted to drink. My first trip alone was to Kinshasa Zaire, now the Congo. And I could write a book on that alone. But as a woman traveling alone, I had learned to depend on the kindness of strangers. And those strangers were men, expat men, wherever I went. And I became a master at manipulating those men. And during that time, I unfriended God and I put him on a shelf. For 28 years. And men then became a higher power. They could serve me well. During that time, lust and promiscuity became my greatest character defect. I'm not ashamed to speak about it today. And women, it helps women. Some women, when I expressed it, it was a vicious cycle. I need a man, you know, let my guard down. You know, let my guard down. By drinking, the first thing alcohol takes away is our good judgment. And then I give him my body, my mind and soul. And he would use me, I would use him. And then at the end, I'd have to drink to cover up the guilt, shame and remorse. So for years, around and around on this dark circle, I had a soul hole. It was a temporary high that only led to self-loathing. You know, nature abhors the vacuum. When we take something away, something has to fill it. And I know that my soul was empty. My soul vessel was empty, so I filled it with men and booze, but I got thirstier. I went through then two great periods in my life. I call the first period light and the second one darkness. In the period of light, I was going to fix myself and be good. good. You know, we're not bad people. We're sick people. But I was just thought if I do good deeds, I'm just going to clean this up. No more cheap men getting cheap highs on men and booze. I'm just going to be a good person. So I was determined to fix myself by self-will, self-discipline, self-knowledge. And I threw myself into volunteerism around the world. I joined Americans Abroad for International Aid, and I would make infant runs, orphan runs in Russia, China, Korea, and India, and bring back babies near death for medical care, some for adoption. But, you know, it made me feel good inside. And then one summer, I had the pleasure of working with Mother Teresa in Calcutta, India. And I got to work in her orphanage, where we would, and there were hundreds and hundreds of babies on wooden slats. There were no cribs, no diapers, no nothing. And that was the infants in the hundreds. And then there were hundreds of toddlers. And the toddlers, they would have, many had limbs severed, a foot cut off or a hand cut off. And I couldn't understand it. This was just 40 years ago, but it had gone on for centuries. And what it was, was the parents, would sever a limb at birth for the sake of more compassion in order to solicit more money in their begging on the street. And each night I would cry there. How can this be? How can this be? And I'll never forget one thing Mother Teresa said to me was, Susie, the children, the great difference is the children in America have no shoes. The children here have no feet. But she'd talk about the spiritual emptiness in America versus their spiritual welfare. I'd learned so much, and I got to work at her house of the dying. And that was a hospice like no other, where all we would do was receive them at their last stage, wash their naked bodies, tell them Jesus loves them, and before they died of starvation or illness. It was abhorrent suffering all around me. But even in that most holy and sacred environment, I had to drink, even then. So under my little cot, I had smuggled warm beers to guzzle at night. I was getting thirstier. Then later, Eastern Airlines filed bankruptcy and closed. I felt cut off from the world. I felt like a butterfly whose wings were pulled off. Later, I was hired by United. I moved up to Chicago and did the six weeks of flight attendant boot camp training and straight A's, doing great. And then I was called in the day before graduation and said, you're fired. What? Your bags are packed. You're on the next flight home. Goodbye. And they didn't tell me why. And I hated United Airlines. I hated them with a resentment for 10 years. They were my greatest until the program helped me through the steps that I could do an honest fourth step, step four, uncover, discover, discard. And I could see my part. And later, always more is revealed. And later in time, I could see that it was me. I had hidden half-gallon jugs of Barton's vodka stacked up in my closet. And surely the maids reported that. And that's why they had to fire me. And I forgave them. And I'm free. I had so many moments over my drinking career of incomprehensible demoralization. Over two decades, probably 2,000 incidents of things that range from the humorous to the horrendous. I'm going to skip all that tonight because we're short on time. But I got a DUI and went to jail a couple nights later. I was out. I go to the bar. And I'm driving home. And the cop's on my tail. And I had to get out of it. And I couldn't get another one two nights later. And I drove into a stranger's house and walked in. And it was a funny, funny, long story. You know, silly things that we did when we were still functioning. And then to the horrendous. I was standing naked in a lobby of a Sheraton in Lima, Peru. And to this day, I don't know. That's the incomprehensible demoralization. Where it takes us. By age 42, I was a full-on blackout drinker. Every cell in my body was crying out for alcohol. I needed to drink like I needed oxygen to my lungs from that point on. I have something here. I'll read how I drank. It says she drank not as an epicure but barbariously with a speed and dispatch uncontrolled. Uncontrolled. As if she were performing a homicidal function. As if she had to kill something inside herself. A worm that would not die. By Bal de Lair. That's exactly where I went after that time. I tried to stop. But the more I drank, the thirstier I got. I couldn't understand it. And I thought I was smart. I tried three ways to stop drinking. I invented Susie's repulsion theory. And it was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. And in my vodka I put cottage cheese and Tabasco and mustard and make it taste disgusting. But I drank. I could drink paint thinner. It didn't matter. And then I tried my vitamin therapy because alcohol depletes vitamins and I was getting sick. So I crushed massive amounts of vitamins and put them in my vodka thinking that will help me. And then it got so bad for the happy hours. My happy hours from five to four. to three, I'd start putting duct tape over my mouth. Nothing worked. And then the slow destruction, the slow death of my self-destruction started eroding on me in three different areas. First, physically, I was nutritionally starved. I had traded booze for food, and I was down to a size zero and then into children's clothes, and all the neighbors were talking about Susie's bulimic. I thought, oh, that's okay. I didn't have a problem with that. But, you know, I had the shakes. I couldn't hold a cup. I had chronic nausea, keeping an airplane burp bag with me everywhere. I had mystery bruises all the time from a compromised liver. I had pancreatitis. I had rosacea, a big red bulbous nose from alcohol. I was really hot then. And so, I had to go to the doctor. I had to go to the doctor. I had to go to the doctor. I had to And then, you know, physically, alcohol robbed me of the chance to have children because I could no way I knew in my heart could get pregnant and not drink for nine months. It wouldn't be possible. Nor could I birth into this world a baby with fetal alcohol syndrome. So I put that off on the shelf. Well, the second destruction was the mental part, which where the depression set in. You know, was I drinking to live or living to drink? I was isolating because I couldn't drive. But it was late-stage alcoholism because the hallucinating started. And I'd walk my dogs, and I'd see a bear, and I'd see snakes. And many stories about the hallucinations I'll skip over, but it was real. And I was engulfed in fear. And my fear was not from dying at all. My fear was going to prison where I couldn't drink. The third worst destruction that took over me was spiritual, the hardest of all. When my heart hardened, I call it cardiac petrification. My tears dried up. I had no conscience, right or wrong. I didn't care of anything. I called it gangrene of my soul. My obsession switched. From drinking to suicide, that's all I thought about. Killed the disease before it kills me. Killed the disease before it kills me. And then finally, one night, on my bed, I pulled out my Smith & Wesson from my bedside drawer, and I held it to my head. And here's how divine intervention disturbs us at times. When I'm ready to pull the trigger in my near blackout, I look down, and I see white carpeting. And I thought, oh, I can't get it. I can't get blood all over this white carpet. That would be awful. It could never be cleaned up. And I thought, I'll go outside. And then I thought, oh, my neighbors, they're so awesome. It will be so embarrassing for them. I don't want to do it in front of anyone. And then I thought, well, I'll just drink a little more. And, of course, I passed out. And I thought, well, I'll do it tomorrow. But that's all I thought about was killing myself. And by God's grace, I was given reprieve. We're all given that reprieve. From his grace. And then a miracle happened. By divine intervention, God sent an angel to me named T-Bone. He is a sense of humor. I was taking a big group on an African safari on South African Airways. And it was the world's longest nonstop, 17 hours from Atlanta to Johannesburg. And I had promised myself that I was only going to drink one drink an hour. I'm going to pace it. That's 17 drinks, right? But I could do that. Just don't start guzzling when you sit down because I was working, right? And across the aisle from me was planted this really handsome guy. He was a client of mine from Chicago. And I started lusting after him. And I wanted him. And, you know, he was reading this big blue book. I didn't know what it was. I had no clue. He had just gotten sober. And his sponsor. His sponsor said, don't go to Africa. He said, I'm going. Anyways, in a blackout, I crossed the galley. I go over and I sit on his lap and, like, start rubbing on his knees like a stripper on ecstasy. And my hands kind of slipped up his shorts and I'm grabbing his frankenbeans. And he's in shock. He's in shock of, you know, that would be considered sexual assault today. But I stopped. I said, there's a liquor cart there. So I grabbed two little vodkas. And I said, here, let's have a vodka. And he said, I'm an alcoholic. And I said, I think I could be, too. Thinking this is going to work. And then he said, no, I don't drink. And so I grabbed a Bailey's. I said, here, this is just like a candy bar. This doesn't count. And he said, no, I don't drink. And I said, this isn't going to work. And then the crew came. Came finally and yelled at me and strapped me in. And that was it. But this angel with skin on, we're all angels with skin on, called T-Bone, comes in later. He was just a seed planter. That's all we are. In recovery, we're seed planters and grace catchers. After the safari, I flew to Chicago to meet this handsome dude. And I drank the whole time I was there, morning, noon, and night. All hidden in my car. Carry-on. And three days later, he drove me and dumped me at the airport with two words, get help. And that next day, the 4th of July, I called Helen's central office. And I said, I might have a little drinking problem, not much. So she told me to go to a meeting at the Lutheran Church in Marietta at 8 o'clock. And I go there, and I park in my car, and I couldn't get out of my car. I was crying so hard, crying and crying. And I thought, I can't. I can't do this. And an old-timer opens the door, and I said, I can't stop drinking for a lifetime. And he said, can you for an hour? And I said, yeah, I can do that. And I went in the meeting, dressed incognito, like I had to be anonymous. And they said, any burning desires? And I said, yeah, I'll be honest. I have to drink. I'm going to have scotch when I get home. And they said, keep coming back. So I got home that night, and 10 p.m. on my knees, I prayed the most earnest prayer of my life. It was my night of deliverance. Where I just prayed, God, take this cup from me, or take my life now, not another day. And something happened. Just a warm rain of deliverance came down on me. And I detoxed in bed for three days, shivering, sweating, my heart beating so fast. But on the third day, I rose like a phoenix from the ashes, like Jesus from the tomb. And I felt so good, I wanted to call Dr. Phil or Oprah. I felt so good. I had been given then two of the three gifts, the gift of desperation and the gift of surrender, with the gift of willingness to come. I collected all the booze from the basement, carried it to the garage in a red wagon, fine decanters of liqueurs, and went up and down the neighbors and said, free booze and free booze. And they thought I was crazy, and I was. And it's okay. I didn't care. I was set free. I got a sponsor right away who gently guided me through the steps. She was awesome. The steps are given to us to climb ourselves back up to integrity and dignity and honesty. There are all those character lessons that we want to cling to. Let's see. Two weeks later, I was floating on a pink cloud. I had to take a group on a wine cruise down the Rhine River. And so I... Got on that boat. The captain had a reception and called me up to welcome the AFS group, and he handed me a champagne. And I carried it and pretended to sip and took it back, set it on a tray, went to my cabin, got on my knees, read the grapevine, a meeting in print that has saved my life, and it was great from there. And about eight months later, I... You know, for me... Relapse is not an option. But about eight, nine months later, I took a group to Australia, and I had a real close to a relapse situation. I'm in first class, and the wines were flowing all around me left and right. And I was thirsty, and I was salivating, and I wanted that wine. And the flight attendant said, what do you want? And I said, ginger ale with tears running down my face. And we got to Sydney, and chaos broke. We broke loose, lost luggage, keys mismatched by the hotel. And we get to the welcome dinner. We're going to the opera house, and the motor coach broke down. And we get there late, and the manager's yelling at me, and I wanted to drink. And the crew said, yeah, Sissy, try the drinks. Try the drinks. They're all free, Foster's and Aussie wines. I wanted to drink, and I couldn't. And I got to my room that night at midnight, and I opened the door to unpack, and there was a full mini bar in my drawer. And I picked up a vodka, and I picked up the phone, and I called Sydney's central office. And I said, hello, I'm going to drink. Right now, I deserve it. I can't do this anymore. And a soft voice of Donnie said, no, you're not. You're going to do what I say. You're going to put it back in the drawer, get on your knees, say this prayer, and meet me at 6 a.m. in the lobby. And that's when the gift of willingness came, because I did it. And at 6 in the morning, I went downstairs, and here was an old man hunched over in tattered clothes with missing teeth who had taken a bus to a bus to a bus to get downtown Sydney to collect me, to take me to the business meeting in Sydney, Australia, of 80 AAs, where I could only weep with tears of joy. That's all I could do, not say a word. That was a reprieve. So, I mean, so much to go on. I'm just going to kind of cut to the solution, Chase, you know. How do I keep it for 17 years, even since that temptation in Sydney? I go to meetings, number one, obviously. Meetings around the world. The most northern meeting in the Arctic Circle with eight men. The most southern meeting in Antarctica. Meetings in the Maasai Mara with lions roaring. Wherever we go, there is a hand. The AA extended unto us. Best meeting happened in Hanoi with two people, but I'll tell that another time. But, you know, Russell's dad says when we enter the meetings, we can go into two doors. Door number one, join the non-drinking club, kind of like a sober Elks club. And it's all good, but you're shortchanging yourself. Or come in the rooms and open door number two and join the fellowship of the sunlight of the spirit. And grow and blossom like a rose to spread your fragrance. That's the door I went into. My second tool is prayer. My lifeline is to maintain God consciousness and being spiritual fit. I talk to God and listen to God. My mantra is grow God, shrink Susie, upward and outward. That's what I focus on. And finally, the biggest tool is to serve. Step 12 is imagination. The more I serve, the more I get, the more I'm augmented. I'm not depleted. It's the fried Snickers bar of our program. Everybody should be serving. Even if you have 30 days, that one-day person can relate to you better. I love my sponsors because each are different as snowflakes. And they're my joy bombs. They're my dope. They give me my endorphins, my high. I want to see them get the three gifts that I got. I have an amazing sponsor who just oozes wisdom out her. And I want to be accountable to her. That is vital for me to stay sober. But, you know, sponsorship, there are millions who are suffering, especially now during the pandemic. And we are commissioned with the most noble purpose of all to carry this message and help others who suffer just like us. Our suffering wasn't in vain. It has a purpose. It's to be used. We are now useful. We become grace catchers, those angels with skin on. That's why I'm grateful that I am an alcoholic. All the promises have come true for me and a thousand more. The two things interesting, my mother, I forgave her. On her bed in her hospice as she lay dying, I touched her. I touched her. And her face and the spirit of God filled the room with forgiveness. And I could see her upbringing, her childhood and depression. I could see the home-cooked meal she gave me. I could see everything she did for me. I had been blind. I was the rebel. I was self-serving. It was me, not her. And I could release her in full, full love and be free. The other promise was that character. The effect of lust had been removed root and branch. I only have eyes for one man in 17 years. And that's that man, that angel T-Bone, who I married. Two years later, we married on the same airplane we met on. Walked down the aisle of the aircraft. It was the first in aviation history. And it was awesome, you know. If you're single, I encourage you to meet a partner in AA. Because together you can share the same vision of following God's principles that are found in the steps. Because with a foundation like that, a marriage can't fail. And so I'll just wrap it up with this truth. I'm running fast. I'm sorry I'm talking so fast. I've got so many things. Thinking, don't do that, say that, and so on. But I just will end with, I want to tell you. I want to tell you all that you need to know you're the fortunate ones. Only we, in the whole world of humans, only we get two lifetimes in one. The first one downward towards the darkness. The second lifetime in sobriety always rises up towards the light. It's like the old self has to die. And if you think of like Siamese twins who are born together. One, the weaker one has to surrender for the stronger one to thrive. And we get stronger and we do thrive. We, only we get such spiritual growth. Other people don't get what we get. Constant inflowing of wisdom and knowledge. Pearls of wisdom. And this new design for living. And getting restored to sanity. Which means. Which means wholeness. By the grace of God. I inked on my arm the word grace. God's undeserved pardon. Unmerited mercy. Given to us freely on a silver platter if we receive it. And my sobriety date. So I can't ever relapse. It'd hurt too much to take it off. But I'm grateful to be here. And I end with a scripture from the big, big, big book. Somewhere in the Bible. I think Old Testament says. Behold, the old has indeed passed away and all things have become new for surely I will restore unto you all that the locusts have eaten and I've been fully restored and I wish that for all of you as well. Thanks for listening. Well, Susie, don't stop. I know you guys don't stop. I am in awe and amazement. In amazement. Hey, I'm going to unmute some folks and have them share some banner with you. I just wanted to say thank you so much, Susie. That was just absolutely amazing. Thank you. Thank you, Mary. Jenny, I see you. I'm Jenny. I'm one of Susie's sponsors. Thank you so much for sharing. Thank you. I didn't get that. And I am really. Thank you, guys. Also. She's a miracle. She's a miracle. Thank you, Jenny. Hey, family. This is Miko. Miko. Oh, my God, Susie. I stand in awe and amazement because Angie is my sponsor. You know how you, you know, really get to know who your parents are when you learn who your grandparents are? Yeah. You are. Oh, my goodness. Everything you said. It just gave me the spirit. Holy Ghost chills. I have my first Ponsi on the line. And I know she felt it, too. And thank you. Divine intervention is the only way I could ever describe my surrender. I, too, reached for a gun. I, too, was suicidal. But that was my first surrender. God was already working on me before I even knew it. So, thank you. And thank you for allowing me to share and not be afraid. And thank you for allowing me to speak about God. I didn't know he was mentioned that many times in the big book. 134. 134. I'm taking it. I'm taking it. Miko, you're amazing. And welcome to the new Ponsi. I think she has 30 days, Miko? A little bit over 30 days. Awesome. Yes. Great. Yes. Yes. And I'll let her unmute herself and introduce herself. Ponsi. Ponsi. Say hi to our great grand sponsor. Our grand sponsor. Hi, your grandma. Your grandma. Grandma. Say hi to grandma. Susie, thank you so much. I told you guys. And since you shared at NABA, that was six years ago? Yeah, you said. Your story has just improved. No. So, thank you so, so very much. You were awesome to begin with. I didn't think you could get any better. You are, Isla. I know you. You are a joy. You are a joy. You are a joy. You are a joy. You are a joy. You are a joy. You are a joy. You are a joy. Susie, I love you. Wow. Hi. I'm sorry. Right out of the blue. Are you an alcoholic? I'm an alcoholic in problem. And Susie has been, I like, I can't even speak right now, Susie, and the group, because I'm just so wowed. You are a dream catcher and you spread it. So, you, your story was amazing. I've never heard the full story. I just love you, appreciate you, all of you. But, I love you. But, that story really, I don't know. I'm speechless. I, thank you for sharing. Thank you. You've been so awesome, Vandy. Thanks. Beth, I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Susie. I've just heard so much of your story in bits and pieces, but to hear it all put together, you're such a... You're a great, great grandma. Oh, yeah. I'm a really old grandma. But, anyway, thank you and so much, God, and so much love, and just thank you. Somewhere strange to me, downtown, can't put them to take the edge.