Only the Second Time Through Step One Did I Actually Mean the Word Powerless — Paola M.

Hey guys, let's have an AA meeting. My name is Tim, and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday night Blue Chip Speaker Meeting at the Napa Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more sobriety tells his or her story. Hey, I'm Lisa, I'm an alcoholic. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our own personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aafluchipspeakers.org desperately. In need, we'll hear our speaker, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them too. I must have this thing. And I'm introducing the speaker tonight, who is my bestie for the restie. And I met her in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. She is an amazing woman. With an amazing story. Full of God. Full of hope. You're just going to love her. Here she comes, Paola. Hi, I'm Paola. I'm an alcoholic. Thank you so much for asking me to come today to share my story. Were you nervous right now? Well, I'm supposed to tell you how it was for me before I began my white chip. And that's what I'm going to do first. And then I'll tell you what happened. And what is it like today. Well, my surprise day is June 21st, 2011. And I have a sponsor. And I have an accent, as you can see. I was born and raised in Lima, Peru. So I speak Spanish, too. A little English. Just a little. I live with my dad and my mom. I have two brothers. I'm in the middle. And my dad lives in Lima, Peru. And my dad lives in Lima, Peru. And my dad lives in Lima, Peru. And my dad lives in Lima, Peru. And my dad lives in Lima, Peru. And my dad lives in Lima, Peru. And my dad lives in Lima, Peru. And my dad was, I guess, okay. You know, just my dad. We didn't have a relationship. He was in the military. And he was really strict. He was a Navy. In the Navy. And we feared my dad a lot. And I grew up like that. Without fear of... We couldn't talk. We couldn't say many things. We didn't talk about feelings. And... But I guess for me, it was just normal. It's what we had. And, you know, my mom was there. But she didn't have a lot of staying in the family thing. And... So they had a really big social life, so they went out a lot, and we would stay with the babysitters on the weekends mostly. They would have parties and social events, and alcohol was around the house a lot. My mom didn't drink, but my dad did a lot, but I didn't know anything about alcoholism or anything. So for me, it was normal. Actually, it was really good, because those were the times where I could talk to my dad. He was very open and very happy and content when he drank, so it was like a fun drink. I was looking forward to the weekend, because we didn't talk really, but at least those were the times that I could just relax and be okay and not be afraid. So it was this concept of having the weekends or any social event to be able to just relax. Be okay around him, and so that's how I grew up. And then my first drink was when I was, I think, like 14 years old with a friend. You know, we wanted to try what it was like drinking, but I don't think anything happened really. We got drunk, or we fell asleep, and it wasn't like crazy, and I think nothing happened until I was maybe 18 or 19 years old, something like that. And so during this time... I don't have, you know, my story has alcohol only, because I didn't do drugs or anything like that, and I felt like I was kind of a good girl. I didn't get in trouble or anything like that until I was older, and I feel like a lot of that was because I was so afraid of my dad. Really afraid of him, so that might have saved me really from myself or all the things that I could have done. That's what I think today. So my... I was, you know, I was going to the college and all that stuff, and it was pretty much okay, you know, drinking here and there sometimes, but it wasn't really bad. And I got into my first serious relationship with, you know, I had this boyfriend, and at that point, you know, we worked it out. Like, my dad would allow him to come to my house, and for me, it was just impossible to live around my dad. I wanted to leave my house. He was so... It was really hard to be around him. And so we got married. I left, and that's when I started drinking really hard, and my alcoholism escalated, and I didn't know even that I was an alcoholic. I was just drinking, and I thought I was, you know, get... For us, you know, we got married. I was 21, I think, and he was older than me for like eight years, and he wanted a relationship and a commitment and all that, and I wasn't ready at all. I thought I was, but I didn't know about commitment or any of that, so I... What I wanted... I was in love, but really, for me, it was a way out, and I really wanted to have fun, to drink, to do all the things that I couldn't... Really, I didn't do. And so it was really hard because I felt trapped, and I couldn't really explain myself. I didn't know what was going on with me, and I was just doing all these crazy things. So I became from being this good girl that I thought I was to this crazy, insane person that was doing all these crazy things and just behaving in a way that it seemed like it wasn't really me. So, you know, one relationship after the other one, because this one, of course, didn't work out, you know, and a lot of people got hurt in this process, you know. A lot of things happened, and I didn't know how to... You know, this urge of doing all these things just really overpowered me, and I couldn't control myself, and I was just drinking and drinking all the time, and I'm lying. That was my thing, you know. I would lie to you in your face, you know. We saw you right there. With this guy, or you did this, and I would say, it wasn't me. I did not do that. That wasn't me. And that was me all the time. So it's like I had this double life, and it's not that I did those things, and I was like, yay, or all that stuff. You know, when I woke up from whatever drunkness or whatever, I was full of fear, shame, and remorse, and I didn't know how to get out of that. So what I did next was drinking more. So that's what I did all the time, just drink more and more and more, because I just couldn't look at myself. I was in the mirror, and it was hard for me. You know, okay, I need to drink more because I can't deal with my family and my brothers, my friends, my closest friends, and my dad or my mom. So I was escaping from everybody and everywhere, and what happened next is that I got divorced, and I went, like I said, you know, from one relationship to the other one. And then I met my actual husband. And I feel today that this was, like, really God putting a person in my life that will help me or, I don't know, it was something like that because I feel like when I met him, I really wanted this relationship to work. So for whatever reason that I don't know, I slowed down with my drinking, and I tried to, you know, I was working and doing all these things, but I tried not to leave that double life that I was living. That's what I'm trying to say. So we started dating. We were dating, and we were, you know, going out and all that, but he didn't know. You know, this guy was from a different place, from Peru still, but he didn't know all the things that, you know, the crazy woman that I was at that point. So I was trying to hide all my stuff and all my things, but still, it was really hard at that point for me not to drink. So we're going out, and I needed to drink before or try to control my drink so I don't get too drunk and just, you know, like it's always, like, an act that, you know, I don't want anyone to know. And it's exhausting, and I was exhausted, and I was sick and tired, but I was still doing it all the time. So I get pregnant, we get married, and he kind of started, like, noticing that something was off with me, you know, sometimes. Even though I wasn't drinking every day, he was like, okay, what's going on with you? You know, I would pass out, or I would just go, and I don't know, he would find bottles of alcohol in places, and I would fly like I did all the time. And I had this. It was a huge excuse as to why that was there or what happened. So when I got pregnant, it was even more difficult because I could not not drink. And I didn't drink every day, thank God, but I was scared the whole time because I was obsessing about when, when I was going to get that, be able to get that next drink. And I remember going to the doctor, and that was all I talked about. Like, but my friend said that I could have two glasses of wine. But this person told me I wanted to, so bad for the doctor to tell me that I could drink. There was a reason, one, that I could drink. That never happened. I'll admit, my doctor never told me that it was okay, even once. I'm like, oh, my God, no, that's bad. But that's what he said. So, but I did it anyway because I just could not not drink. And I remember praying every single day, you know, God, please save my baby. You know, I don't know what's happening. I don't know why I keep doing this, but I can't. And I thought that I was really happy about, you know, wanting to be a mom, becoming a mom. But still, you know, I was. I was powerless. That's what I know today. And so I have a baby. I mean, he's so healthy and amazing. And, you know, by God's grace, that happened. And I still, you know, I'm still an alcoholic, of course. And I'm drinking more and drinking more and drinking more. And then my husband got a job transfer to move here to the U.S. We moved to Ohio. And I was so happy because I wanted to escape from. That's life. Little did I know that that's saying, you know, everywhere you go, there you are. So there I was. There with me again. And I thought that it was going to be better. And I was so happy that everything was going to be different. But, of course, nothing was different. And I remember being in a hotel at the beginning, you know, because we're getting all settled with the job. And I'm staying home with the baby. And my son was four months old. And I remember being in a hotel. You know, hotel. Ohio. And it was like minus five degrees. It was so cold. And with the snow. And I'm in the hotel thinking, what can you do right now? You know, what's going on? And, of course, the obsession. Right away, like, oh, maybe I can have a drink right now. And I'm going to relax. And I'm going to just watch some TV and do this. And I will go with the baby in the car seat just to cross the street. It was like a gas station. And I will get alcohol. I get to the hotel. But all of these, you know, crazy things. And I remember also crossing like a highway with a stroller just to be able to get. To the grocery store. And crazy. And with the baby. But I needed to go to those, you know, any length to be able to get that fixed. And that's what I did. And driving. You know, driving with my kids. And then by the time, you know, I have one. And then we moved to a house. And, you know, I wasn't there anymore. So we moved to a house. But I still drink it. And I was hiding it. All the time hiding it. You know, my husband kind of knew that I was drinking sometimes. He was working and busy. So I did. I tried. I do control drinking. So I'll drink sometimes, you know, when the baby's sleeping. Or, I don't know, you know, I start it at noontime. It's definitely like the books that you're drinking all the time. You know, drinking wine. Or drinking on these occasions. And it worked for a little while. You know, when my husband will come home, I will make sure everything is fixed. And clean. And ready. And, you know, nothing is wrong. So he will think that everything is going okay. You know, there wasn't a problem with me. And I managed to do it for a while. And until I couldn't do it anymore, I was physically sick from so much alcohol. I couldn't even. It was just. I felt so bad that I was going to pass out at any moment. And I couldn't even talk to anyone. I didn't have any friends. I knew some people. But, of course, I'm not going to tell them how much I'm drinking. Or that I'm an alcoholic. And I didn't even know what an alcoholic was. So I started, like, Googling, you know, drinking too much. Or drinking whatever. So I'm like, okay, maybe I'm an alcoholic. I don't know. I need help. And so I decided. I decided to tell my husband that I have a problem. That maybe he needs to help me. Because I couldn't do it anymore. I was really afraid for my baby. And he was already, like, a year old. And I remember also having these detox moments that I used to do myself. You know, at home. Because I didn't want to drink every single day. So I would just stop drinking. And I'm like, okay, I'm not going to drink for a while. And calling my husband desperate. Because I'm going to have, like, a heart attack. And I feel like I'm dying. And I go to the urgent care. To see what's going on with me. What's wrong with me. And the doctors are looking at me and telling me, I don't know. What's going on? I'm telling them what's happening. And I remember her looking at me and asking me if my husband was abusive. Physically abusive. And I'm like, no. Why? And she, like, with my arm here. I'm full of, like, bruises. And it was just me drinking. You know, walking, like, stumbling everywhere with the doors and all that stuff. But it was just me. And it was horrible. And I didn't even know. So, that was also another time where I'm like, oh, my God. You know, what am I doing? And so, only by the grace of God, really, my son was okay. Because when I think, though, I just don't understand how I'm still here. My husband. I told my husband, I need help. You know, I'm crying. I need help. I don't know what to do. And he's like, are you sure? What's going on? Because, of course, he knew a little. Because he found something. But he didn't know how bad it was. Yeah. And he told me, well, we just said it's really bad. Let's go. And we're going to go on a trip. We're going to Peru. So, our family there. So, I went to an outpatient treatment for 28 days. And I learned about alcoholism. I read a big book and all that stuff. And I'm like, okay. You know, I got sober. And I'm going to start going to AA. And it's going to be good. I'm going to do it. It was horrible. I hated it. Because I needed to leave my baby. And, you know, she's going back to Ohio to work. And I'm there. And I'm like, oh, my God. What's happening? What is this? I don't understand this life right now. You know, I need to leave my child. It was just, like, so confusing for me. I just didn't. I'm so fast. And so, I need to go to AA. So, I need to come back again to Ohio. And I started looking for meetings. And I thought that I really wanted to do it. I had to do it. Otherwise, I knew I was going to die. And I already knew about the disease. You know, what it does to you and all that stuff. So, I started going to AA in Ohio. At a higher meeting. So, at that moment, you know, I felt. So, like, I didn't think I'd speak English. And, oh, my God. I don't understand. But, still, you know, I'm going to meetings. I show up. I'm sitting there. And I meet really a good group of people that wanted to help me. And I got a sponsor. And at the beginning, you know, I did step one, two, three, four, five. I didn't take the fifth step. And what was missing for me was that I didn't do step one. I still had reservations. And I. That maybe one day I could drink like a normal person. That's what I know today. That I did have reservations. So, I'm going to these meetings. I'm staying sober. And I have, you know, one year, two years, three years. And I remember at the meeting, my sponsor came to me and said, you know, today is your four-year anniversary. And I didn't know. You know, I was so surprised. And she gave me a tip. And she's like, yeah, yeah, we want to play. And I had already relapsed six months. Before that. And she didn't know. And again, the lies. And I didn't tell anyone. And what happened, going back, you know, it was that I had a reservation. So, when I was three and a half years, I decided I was going to go and drink again. Because, you know, I just, I'm bored. You know, I don't know. I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I think this is not for me. You know, I can't relate. I didn't have any DUI. I don't know. Maybe it was just, I was too stressful with whatever happened. But I don't think I'm an alcoholic. And by that time, I had a. I had a second child. And so, I have. And my first son was like six years old. And my second boy was two. And I started drinking a lot. And so, when I think of that friendship, I didn't even get honest and tell anyone. I left the meeting. And I was so full of shame. But I didn't care. I'm not going to tell anyone that I am drinking again. I'm just going to pretend that I'm not. And that's what I did. You know, I laughed. I laughed maybe six more months until I was really sick again. You know, to be able to just really go and say, I need help. I've been drinking. And I'm doing this. And I'm so grateful that I got to a point that I needed to do it. I didn't even do it. My husband told my sponsor. You know, she's drinking. You know, she's not doing anything. I'm like, oh, my God. Who am I to say that? But today, I'm grateful that she did that. Because all I think I would have ever said, you know, do it. I don't think so. So, it took me two years for me to get sober. And I was, I felt I almost tried because Lisa can kill me. But I thought I wanted to get sober. I really thought I wanted to get sober, to stay sober. But I just could not not drink. After I picked up that drink, it was so hard. That obsession came back. And all I could think about was when I'm going to drink again. When I'm going to have that next drink. And I couldn't. I couldn't take care of my kids. I couldn't do anything because I would stay sober for one month, maybe two months. And then I would drink again. And I did binge drinking. So, I was drinking for three days or four or a week. And I got so sick every single time. Like the book said, you know, every word relapsed all the time. Thinking that I'm regaining control a little bit. Yes, it's a little better. And, oh, my God, it is so bad. And it's every time worse. And I'm dying. And I don't know what to do because I cannot tell my husband. And, again, I'm lying. I'm lying. I'm lying. I'm lying to everyone. And I can't say that. And so, I decided that I needed to get sober again. I thought I had decided that. But I didn't. You know, I kept drinking again. And so, but, again, physically, I couldn't do it anymore. My husband, well, he already knew what was going on. And he told me, I just can't do this. You know, I'm not going to do it with my kids. And I love you so much. And he did. He really, he was there for me. And he, oh, my God, you know, he. He went through so many things. He protected my kids from myself. And, but he was going to leave. And I knew he was going to leave. And I saw that. I heard him, really, for the first time that he was. And I was losing everything. And so, I say, oh, my God, okay, I need to. I need to do something. And by this time, we were moving from Ohio to Georgia for work again. And I'm just, like, so hopeless. I'm like, what am I going to do? This is not working for me. You know, who am I? And so, God helped me. Because, really, I didn't know what I was doing wrong or anything. But I knew AA worked for a little time. So, maybe I missed something. I need to go back to AA. So, I did, you know, as much as I hated it, as much as I thought it was not going to work, I didn't have any other choice. So, I remember going to Serenity House at the mixed meeting and sitting, like, in the middle of people. I just, you know, acting like I'm okay. You know, I'm normal. You know, nothing's going on. I'm not new at all. You know, I'm an old-timer. So. I don't know. I was just, I felt like I was so scared that someone would come to me and talk to me. But that's what I wanted, really. So, for the people that knew, of course, they would come to me and talk to me. And I would get really honest and ask for help. But I wouldn't go to people. I was just too scared or too, I don't know what it was, really. But I'm so grateful to people that come to the newcomers, you know, and ask, you know, hey, my name is whoever. And, you know, what's going on? What's your name? Because sometimes, you know, for people, it's not easy just to go. And say, hello. And for me, it wasn't at all. So, that's how I got a sponsor. And I was so willing, like the group said, that the design could be. And I really wanted to make this work. You know, I was willing to go to any length of space over this time. And, oh, my God, I was willing. So, I didn't have the sponsor that chased me and tell me, you know, you have to do this, no, no, no. I was the one, you know, chasing my sponsor. You know, desperate, telling him what I need to do next and what am I doing. And it wasn't easy for me this time. You know, I had, you know, I had been out for two years and with the family. And everything was so unmanageable. I just didn't know how to do things, how to focus, how to read. I was full of shame and remorse. But it didn't matter, really. I needed to get sober. I just didn't want to die. I didn't want to leave my children. And so, I got my sponsor. I started working the steps. And I just, I don't know. I just fell. For the first, you know, the first year, I did feel lonely and really, like, different. But it was a good different. It wasn't, like, a bad different. So, I kept coming back. And I knew this was my chance, you know. And God was doing for me what I could not do for myself. So, I started seeing the light a little bit. And if I didn't, I didn't care. Because I knew that somehow, for whatever reason, you know, I needed to believe that this was going to work. And it was going to take time. So, I kept coming back. And I started getting, you know, I started having friends, you know, here and there. And I remember also thinking, oh, my God, you know, I see all these people, friends with everyone, having these groups. And I'm alone all the time. I don't have any because I speak Spanish. You know, I'm a fan. You know, always something in my head. And I remember my sponsor telling me, you know, things are going to happen when they are supposed to happen. You know, you're going to meet people that you need. And instead of me forcing all the situations, I need to be here. I need to be with this group. And it wasn't happening. So, when I let go and let it flow, things started happening in my life. Amazing. Like, I have the most amazing friends in my life today that I just, I know I couldn't do it without them. You know, I have an amazing God today. And, you know, God restored my family, my kids, my husband. And I never thought I could really stay sober and be happy. And that's how I feel. That's how I feel most of the time. At least recently I was happy. I do. You know, my life happened. You know, oh, my God. You know, I thought I had, like, my two boys. You know, they are 15 and 9. And then I get pregnant again. Now I have a baby. She's one year old. It's a girl. So, she's one year old. And it's an amazing miracle and a blessing. But that wasn't my plan. You know, I needed to say, God, really? Now? But it's amazing. And today it feels so right and perfect. And we are, you know, in this relationship. That is that. But to me, you know, it looks like a God. God is in the middle. A God relationship. And we are able to walk through things together. And everything is not really pretty right now. You know, there are so many things. Not with my relationship. I need, you know, life. Life. Life gets lifey. Right? So, but it's so good. Because I don't have to pick up that drink. And I can be there for my children, for my family. You know, emotionally available. I've never was, really. I never. And I was thinking today about the times where I was with my kids. You know, giving them baths or taking them to the school baths. And just being so drunk that I missed the whole thing. I was just missing the whole thing. And I don't want to miss it anymore. I was just talking to Lisa. You know, my God. You know, we get to be moms today. And just to give our kids this life. You know, I remember my kids being scared. They weren't really involved. And they don't remember. Because they were little. And then I had this time when I was sober. But I remember them. Them seeing me really sick. Like in bed. They didn't know maybe what was going on. But that look on my kids. You know, like what's happening. The confusion. I don't understand why she's here and then she's there. And I don't have to be like that anymore. I don't have to live like that. So every time I'm with my kids. You know, I do those leaving amends with my husband. Sometimes a little hard with my husband. You know, because, you know, husbands. But I am willing to do it. And I'm willing, you know, to talk to my sponsor. To work the steps. You know. I work the steps. And I keep doing it. You know, I keep. I have a service position. I do all these things. Because that's the only way that I can stay connected. Because I don't want to disconnect ever again. Because I know that if I disconnect, I'm going to drink again. And I don't want to drink again. And for me, you know, that relapse was something that I needed to happen to me. To believe that this disease is going to kill me. Because for whatever reason, I didn't believe that the first time. I thought I did. But I didn't. And by this time, I know that it's going to kill me. And it's not a game. So I can't play with that. I can't disconnect. I need to keep coming back. And I need to keep reaching out. And I cannot have that attitude that I know it all. And I remain teachable. And sometimes it's not easy to ask for help. You know. But I do. I don't know. I feel like when you have that discipline. You know that I learn here. You know. I don't just keep doing it. And I just keep doing it. And it just feels good. And life is good. You know. I'm really grateful. Really grateful for all the many blessings that I have in my life today. I think that's all I have. That was an amazing story. I really appreciated that. Very, very well done. Thank you. All right. Sure. Chris Porter. Grateful Recovered Alcoholic. Hi, Chris. This is Tan. And if you'll forgive me for a moment. Yo quisiera hablar con ella. Gracias para su testigo. Pude relatar bien. Era el magnífico de Dios. Otra vez, gracias. They know we weren't talking about y'all. No. But yeah, it was great. Thank you so much. And 10 years. I can't believe the time goes by so fast. Can't believe that it was Saturday. August 13th. It was Saturday, actually. That God sent a man. And you know, and his wife. A man and his wife. And a family of people that showed me how to live a different way. I had come to AA for a long time. And I sat. And I sat in your meetings. And I pretended to pay attention. And you know, I went to public school like the next guy. I can read your book. I know how to spit stuff out to you. And I know the right time to say it. And when to say it. And who to say it to. And how to say it. But I was never willing to get sober. And by some miracle on August 13th of 2006. You know, I can't help it. I'll just. I'll use a biblical analogy. I hope it doesn't offend you. My soil became fertile. And how that happened, I don't know. But it did happen. And. And I thank God for everybody in Alcoholics Anonymous. And God and all his kids. If it wasn't for his kids. You know, a friend of mine talks about second hand and first hand God. He says for a real alcoholic, we have to have first hand God in order to get sober. And he talks and he describes Alcoholics Anonymous as second hand God. And he said if it wasn't for second hand God, I never would have found first hand God. Amen. That's the best word I know for that. So I'm thankful for second and first hand God. So. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for taking up today. So I'm just going to say something very brief. Very brief. I absolutely adore this woman. We're friends on Facebook. And so there's certain things that you learn about people on Facebook. There's people that post that, you know, all frou-frou. Oh, my life is just fabulous. Well, her life actually is. I'm surprised you're not wearing your token. What is it? Your animal print? Yeah, I love her token. She always wears that. Especially in her pictures. Anyway, congratulations. Thank you. I'm so glad that I get to give it to you. Thank you, guys. I'm Sonia, a grip alcoholic. Sonia. This is six years. Feels really, really, really good. Quick shout out to my girl, Paola. Amazing story. I could relate to a lot of it. Just beautiful. You did an amazing job. So I just want to say I'm proud of you. A.A. didn't want to be here, came in here for fear, didn't want to lose my husband, my best friend. I have a family of alcoholics. My sister died to this disease three years ago on the 25th of July. She was not willing to take a seat in this program. When I came in here, I heard, you know, people you know are going to die. You know, people you know are going to go back out. You know, all this stuff. And I'm like, whatever. I have seen that happen. I have seen people that I never thought would pick up a drink, pick up a drink. Today, there is nothing more cherished than this gift of sobriety to me. You know, like I said, I didn't hit the bottom elevator. I'm a happy person. I mean, I shined just because it was sunshine. Why not? You know, oh, it's a cloud. Let's drink. Oh, let's do yard work. Let's drink. You know, but it got to the point where I crossed that line and I could no longer control it. And, you know, at the beginning, I was like, why am I an alcoholic? Why me? Oh, my God. Life is over. And today, I'm like, yes. I think everybody should be an alcoholic. I think it's a great way to live. It's taught me about the booze and the poison. It's also taught me a lot about myself as an individual and other people. And what I really love is the diversity in this program. I love that we have people from all over the world, all color, races, sizes. And we may have different completely lives, but down in our soul, we have the same people. And I'm really grateful for that. And you guys, thanks for guiding me along the way. Appreciate it. She does have animal print on her hair clip. Oh, my hair. Yeah. So she didn't completely let me down.