Old-School Sobriety Kept Me Alive When Wishy-Washy Suggestions Would Have Killed Me – Dawn H.

This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholic Synonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabluechipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them too, I must have this thing. Tonight's speaker is a woman I just met this evening and I'm looking forward to hearing what she has to say. I always enjoy when women with long-term sobriety come and tell us their stories. I must always have something in common with them, so I suspect I will tonight as well. And with that, I will give you Dawn. Good evening, everybody. My name is Dawn Heidert and I am an alcoholic. I am profoundly, profoundly, profoundly grateful for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And hopefully you'll understand that when you're done listening to my story tonight. And a lot of you, if you're newcomers, are probably not going to understand this or think that it's not possible at all. I'm profoundly grateful that I am an alcoholic because if I wasn't an alcoholic, I would have never found AA, I would have never found the God I have today, and I would not be living the life that I have today if I were not an alcoholic. My personal opinion, and that's all it is, is that anybody in this world can live a better life living the 12 steps, no matter what their power was over. Because as you and I know, we are powerless over much, much more than just alcohol, much, much more than just alcohol. And as my time has gone on, I've been able to realize that more and more. Okay, the beginning. I was born on October 10th, 1957 at 10.01 in the morning. And I am a minister's daughter. And, um, my father always told me that story every birthday. It was a beautiful, we were in Northeastern Ohio, so I'm from up north. It was a beautiful fall, sunny, crisp day, Dawn. We had to get a guest pastor to speak that morning. And you were born on Sunday. It was such a glorious day. And no matter what I've done in my life and how much I've hurt my parents, they have never dropped me. They have never stopped loving me. They may not have liked me or what I was doing, but they never stopped loving me. And they always reminded me that I was still a gift in their life. And for that, I am truly grateful because so many of us don't have that support of family. And so many of us never get our families back once we have recovered or are recovered. And I am one of those people that has received my full family back. I have a sister who is three years younger than me. From the moment I got sober, she's wanted nothing to do with me. And for the last 14 and a half years, we do not have a relationship. I have looked at everything that she's talked about, all the things that she resents and all of those things. And I have worked on the things that were me. Most of them are not my fault. It's not my fault I was the oldest daughter. It's not my fault. I was the straight-A student. It's not my fault that I was more social and outgoing. You know, and I've really had to look at that hard. And I have tried many times to make amends to her. And it just hasn't been possible. And maybe someday she will want to listen. I'll be able to do that. But it is what it is today. And I had to work through that pain and get over it. You know, and, you know, that now is something that is not a hindrance in my life. It's just a... It's just a fact. You know, and that's all it is. And that's what I look at it all is that it's just a fact. There are four children. My mother had all four of us in six years. My father's name is Richard. He went by Dick. My mother is Diana. And we have Daryl, Dawn, Deborah, and Dwight. So, our names got very mangled when we were kids and mom was trying to yell at us or discipline us. My older brother and I are only 14 months apart. There's three years between. My sister and I. And then there's only two years between her and my younger brother. And as far as I can remember, I grew up as a very happy child. You know, it was a happy childhood. I did not know at the time that we did not have money. You know, ministers don't make a lot of money. And my mother never went to work until after that last child, Dwight, had gone to school. She stayed home and she was a stay-at-home mom. And she was a minister's wife. And, you know... It was such a miracle for me, as I matured in my sobriety, to be able to look at my mother just as a person, as a woman, not as my mother. And the same thing with my father. So that I could understand where they came from, what their childhood was like, what my mother went through. When she married my father, he was not going to be a minister. And some of you may not know how stressful it is being a minister. It's a lot of expectations. At that time, the church owned our home. It was called a parsonage. So my mother always felt like she was living in somebody else's home. And she felt like she had to keep it spick and span and perfect. And in that time also, the pastor still always had an office in his home. And anybody, at any time, day or night, could drop by our home. And so I understand how my mother became so compulsive, you know, and anal about things. And about control. My mother is still a controlling woman today. She's much better. And I can call her on some of her crap. And, you know, she and I have grown tremendously with my sobriety. Both my parents have grown with me throughout my sobriety because I've been able to share it with them. They understood real quick what a sponsor was. They were just so grateful that someone was helping me. I have not lived in the same state of any of my family since I've been 23 years old. That was not on purpose, you know. And I still don't live in the state of any of my family today. Although I have a feeling sometime in 2015 that's going to change. The one thing about growing up, being the minister's daughter, we lived in a small farming community in the far corner of northeastern Ohio called Madison. We weren't too far. We were closer to the Pennsylvania border than we were to Cleveland. But Cleveland was the town that we grew up in. And for some reason, the school... And the church... And the church... And the town decided that I was going to be the role model for all their daughters. And I didn't like that, you know, because all I heard all the time was, and this was not for my parents and not for my family, Dawn, if you do that, then all the other little girls are going to do that. Dawn, if you act that way, then all the other little girls are going to act that way. And, you know, my mother still doesn't get it because when I've talked to her about it over the years, she just says, oh, well, such a compliment. You know, she doesn't get what a heavy load that really was. You know, I can remember in junior high school, the vice principal coming up to me and says, you know, Dawn, you really shouldn't pull your pantyhose up in the middle of the hallway because that's teaching the other little girls it's okay. You know, I remember the principal coming up to me and saying, and, Dawn, you shouldn't be holding hands with boys in the hallway because if you hold hands, everybody else is going to hold hands. And, you know, when we hold hands, it's going to lead to much more serious things. You know, this is in seventh and eighth grade. You know, we just... You know, don't have a... Back then, didn't have a clue about any of that. And so very, very early on, there was two Dawns. There was always two Dawns. You know, there was the real Dawn, who I was, and then there was the minister's daughter, Dawn. And my dad was a young minister. In fact, I was born when he was still in seminary. And as ministers are promoted and make more money, they move to another church, which is generally a bigger church. So we moved a lot when I was young. And I figured out pretty darn quick that when I went to school, not to tell anybody who my father was. Now, the kids at church already knew because you're going to the church before you move and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But, and my experience had been every single time, once they got to know me, and then once they found out that my dad was Reverend Haney, they'd say, but you're just like us. It's like, hello? You know, I'm just a human being. And I can remember that also about my father. I can remember... I was in high school at that time. I remember my father, once my brother got old enough to drive, my dad was an only child, so he kind of got to live some of his childhood stuff through us, which none of us negate him or regret or anything. We thought it was a lot of fun. And my dad did spend a lot of time playing with us. And so there was a motorcycle. So, you know, the church wasn't too far from the house, so my dad would ride the motorcycle down because we couldn't afford two cars, so my mother could have the car. And I remember walking down the street, and we were towards the village where the church was, and there was these two elderly ladies. And I heard them say in front of me, Oh, look at that minister. He's riding a motorcycle. How disgusting that is. And na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. And I remember walking right up behind them and saying, Excuse me, that's my father. And he's a man before he's a minister. And I turned around and I walked away. Don't have a clue if they got it. Don't care if they got it. I can remember, this was specifically third grade. We were down in the fellowship hall after service. Something special was going on, so we were having a meal and, you know, and all that and everything. And I had just gotten my first pair of pantyhose. You know. I doubt that anybody here remembers nylons before pantyhose, but I do. And I had my first little pair of high heels. Now, they were pumps maybe this big. That is not a high heel today. To me, the boots I have on, the heel is probably a little bit bigger than that, and to me they're flats. You know, but I remember this woman coming up to my mother and saying, You know, your daughter can't be wearing pantyhose and high heels because if she does, I have to allow my daughter to do it. And my mother just smiled at her and said with the most pleasant voice that she could, It's none of your business how my daughter dresses. So, I have to give my parents a lot of credit for that. And if you came into our home and you were another child, the playing and the things that we did were always morally okay and correct, but you would not have known that you were in a minister's house except for maybe all the books and Bibles on them. And I give my parents a lot of credit for that. They really did try to raise us just as children, and happy children. Today, I know they did not make a lot of money, but back then it didn't matter what kind of jeans you had on. It didn't matter what kind of tennis shoes you had. It didn't matter what kind of dolly you had as long as you had a dolly. You know, so I'm really grateful that I was able to grow up in that time. You know, I'm 57 years old today. That's great. That's wonderful. You know, I hope to continue to grow old with grace and dignity. And in the spiritual life that I live today. And that's very important to me. And I feel much younger at 57 and all that I've gone through than I did at 27, 37. You know, probably even 47, even though I was in the program by then. So, as far as I'm concerned, our age is all what we want it to be. And if my heart and soul is young, then I am young. You know, and it's about continuing to have an adventure and it's continually exploring. Continuing finding out things about myself that I love. And things that I like about myself. I'm going to talk just real quickly about my drinking and then I'm going to get into sobriety. I had my first drink when I was 15 years old. I skipped school that day, as well as did my older brother. Once I got into high school, I never dated boys my same age. They were always older. And I really believe that I have... I had a drink prior to that. I just don't clearly remember if I drank or not. So that's why I call that, you know, my first drink that I remember. I remember in junior high school being behind the elementary school in the woods and they were passing around bottles of wine and I remember the boys teaching us girls what the game come in Tokyo was. You can use your own imagination for that one. It's not too hard to figure out. But I really don't remember if I took a drink that night or not. That's what they called it, come in Tokyo. You know, so, yeah, so I guess that was really probably my first sexual encounter. But, excuse me. But anyway, and I remember going... My boyfriend at the time, his name was Walt. I was a freshman, he was a junior. His best friend, Ron, his parents was out of town. This was during the week. And I did skip school that day, wrote a fake note, as well as my brother, and we went over. There. And a lot of important things happened that day. I had my first drink. I loved it. I was no longer a virgin. So a lot of rumors about the minister's daughter came true that day. Because there were a lot of rumors, of course, that I wasn't. Because, you know, all minister's kids are bad. You know. And I loved everything about it. I loved the music. I loved the booze. I loved the sex. I loved everything about it. Did I have that thought, oh my gosh, this is what it's doing to me? No, I did not. Not then and there. And I also remember waking up in bed and Walt and his friend Ron were in a complete panic. I don't know if I passed out or if I blacked out. But it wasn't for a very long period of time. Maybe only ten minutes or so. But they were in a true panic because, you see, we were in his parents' bed and they did not come out. And they did not come out. And they did not come out. And they did not come out. And they did not come out. And they did not come out. And I can't believe I was a virgin and I was. So they had some cleaning up to do. And I just remember that. And after that point, all I can remember is Walt getting me in that car as fast as he could and taking me home as fast as he could. And what I remember is, no, no, no, no, no. I want to go back in there and do all of it all over again. You know. So from the very beginning, I drank for the effect. Period. Period. It was all about the effect. You know. I was moved between my sophomore and junior year in high school. Which I don't recommend. If you can't do that to your children, please don't. I was supposed to graduate a year early with Reed State in Madison. And, of course, when we moved to Euclid, which was closer to Cleveland, their requirements were different. So my senior year, I went half a day, half a year, and I graduated all by myself in January of 1976. I did not bother going to graduation. I did go to my Honor Society awards later that spring. So once I had left Madison, I never really felt a part of ever, ever again. I went from a school of four grades of 1,200 students to a school of three grades, 3,000 students. So when we lived in Madison, you knew who the new people were. You knew everybody in school. And when I moved to Euclid, they didn't know if I had been there all my life or not. And I didn't know if that person, that person, or that person. So it was quite a culture shock for me, and it was quite a change. And all I did was do my time. All I did was do my time. I was still seeing the same boyfriend back in Madison. And. When I was 17 years old, I did get pregnant. You know, naive, stupid, uneducated, whatever we want to call it. You know, once I was sexually active, I never gave any thought to the fact that that could lead to a pregnancy. Much younger in my life, I had a dream, a very, very vivid dream that I could not have children. And later on, you're going to find out that that became true. Um. My parents were absolutely awesome. My mother called and made all the arrangements. My mother and father went with me to the abortion. And my father even went into the men's counseling classes that they have, which were mostly for the fathers, you know, of the child of the woman having the abortion. I remember getting home later that night, my mom waking me up in the middle of the night and having to clean me up and take care of me because of all the bleeding that was still going on. For years. For years, I cried and I cried and I cried. And I thought what a horrible person I was. Because what I came to think was if I was old enough and mature enough to get pregnant, then why wasn't I old enough and mature enough to stand up for myself and my baby? But, you know, I was only a child at 17. And our 17-year-olds today are still only children. Um. But it was that codependent love. They still loved me. They didn't kick me out. They didn't say you're going away. They didn't say this is your problem and you deal with it. My parents lovingly did what they thought was the best thing for me at that time. You know. I have obviously worked through that pain and that situation. And I know that that little baby is up there as a guardian angel today watching over me, cheering me on. And telling me to keep doing what I'm doing today in Alcoholics Anonymous and the spiritual life that I live today. Later in my teens, I was a model for a period of time. I did go to modeling school. I mean, I looked. I look that way today. But, um. And I can remember that the really models. I didn't realize I wasn't tall enough to really be a model. And once I got to know some of these gals, I realized that they really didn't eat and they starved themselves. And I decided I liked eating way too much. And I did not know at that time that I was going to stay a very thin person. You know, I did not know that at the time. And you'll find out why in just a few minutes. And, um. So I decided not to do that anymore. But I did have a few friends. I did have a few gigs. And I did have some photo sessions. And one of them was a trade show. I think it was a car show. I'm not sure. I don't remember clearly. But at that time, it was also important that you had different looks. So it was about putting on different kind of outfits. It was about having two or three wigs in your repertoire. And so that you could, you know, have these different looks and personalities. I don't think it's that way today. But that's the way it was back then. And I remember being at this show and I remember having on my Farrah Fawcett wig. Are any of you old enough to know who Farrah Fawcett is? And what her hair looks like? Okay. If you don't, don't worry about it. And I remember running into these fellas who were there for the trade show. And there was another gal. I don't think I knew her. But I can remember them sitting in the bar. And I had been drinking. I was underage. I did have a fake ID very young. So at the age of 16, I was drinking in bars with boyfriends. And in Ohio, you could drink 3-2 beer at 18. You couldn't have liquor or real beer until you were 21. But if you drank enough of the 3-2 beer, you could certainly get a buzz and be happy and get the effect of drinking alcohol. And generally, once I got in that bar and I had a beer or two, there was always somebody who was going to buy me the drink I wanted, which was rum and coke. So, you know, I never had a problem getting alcohol. But I remember that night and being drunk. And I remember throwing up all over the table, myself, the booth, and everything. And I look back on that and I'm thinking, God. And yet, again, I must have blacked out. Because the next thing I remember, I'm lying in a bed. I woke up. My Farrah Fawcett wig is lying beside me. And there's somebody coming at me with my dress all up around my neck. Luckily, I was able to just get up, grab my wig, and run out of that room. Who knows what would have happened. But God was there. You know, God saved me from that. And thank God I came out of that blackout easy enough. And when I think back about what God would take me back to his room after I just puked all over the place, I had to be a pretty sick fella. But, you know, I was an easy mark. I was an easy mark. I was young. I was pretty. And I drank. And he knew I was drunk. And what do you guys do when you know we're drunk? You know, we get taken advantage of. And, you know, I don't say that that wasn't my fault. You know, I had a big part in that. But I have to understand all that. Understand all that today. I'm going to fast forward a bit. When I was 20 years old, I was a drunk. When I was 20 years old, I became very ill. And I went into the hospital two and a half weeks after my 20th birthday. And I was in the hospital for 10 days. And they were having a hard time diagnosing me. But I was finally diagnosed with Crohn's disease. Crohn's disease is a chronic, which means incurable, intestinal disease. It is very devastating. And it robbed me of everything. It robbed me of my self-confidence. It robbed me of my sexuality. It robbed me of anything about being a woman. Because it includes a lot of pain. It includes a lot of diarrhea. It includes being to the bathroom all the time. And I felt dirty and smelly. And it was awful. It was absolutely awful. I can tell you story after story after story about my Crohn's disease. But I don't really want to waste my time on that. But I can guarantee you I had been to hell and back long before I went to hell with my alcoholism. Absolutely. In fact, I got married when I was 20. And that first wedding I did completely from my hospital bed. When I go in the hospital, I'm not there a couple of days, a couple of weeks. I'm there months. You know, a month, two months, three months, even longer than that. And I was getting married in March. And this was in October. And I did everything from my hospital bed other than my gown. The caterers, the flowers, everything. You know, who was going to be in the wedding. And that's really the only thing that probably got me through that day. You know, that day completely. And I can tell you a lot of other things about that. But. You know, I think that that really saved me. That marriage did not last. Rob was almost, he was nine and a half years older than I was. And he was the first man that paid attention to me, to my brain. You know, I understood when I was a teenager that I was just jewelry on a guy's arm. I remember that. I remember thinking that. And that's the way I was treated. You know, I can remember a boyfriend saying, oh, go sit by so-and-so and give him a thrill. You know. But I'm. Taking you home. And so I got to understand that I was just jewelry. You know, I was just a possession. I was just a prize. But this fella actually listened to what I had to say. Listened to my opinions. We had intelligent conversations. And things like that. So when I look back as to why I so quickly married this much older man. It has a lot to do with that. Which, again, has a lot to do with my ego. And my needing to have kudos and being petted and to feel good about myself. And that marriage did not last. We were actually married four years. I left at about three to three and a half years. And again, I won't go into all those details other than one thing. In my 20s, I was not able to drink at all. Because of my Crohn's disease. But I found another substance that worked just as well. And I used to like to roll it up in my own little papers and partake. And. Once we got married, all of a sudden, he didn't want to do that kind of stuff anymore. And he wasn't really a drinker. And he tried to control who my friends were. Who was allowed to have in our home. Things like that. And, of course, at the time, I didn't understand it. But my disease was already growing strong. And I left that man. You know, it was the scariest thing I had ever done in my life. Because I was afraid once I got out there, I was going to find out that I had what I wanted. And I blew it. But after about two days or a week, I knew I had made the right decision. And I'm not. I'm not proud of the fact that I got married and divorced. Because I never got married intending to ever get divorced. You know, today I think it's too easy. Well, if it doesn't work out, we'll just get divorced. You know, I never went into marriage ever, ever thinking that. And, you know, my father performed the ceremony. My older brother walked me down the hall. You know, and we had a beautiful wedding. But I was very, very ill for the first couple years. And I wanted to have children. And I was not going to try to conceive with the drugs that they had me on. They used very, very strong steroids back then. And other drugs that they had no information on how that was going to affect the baby or the child once it went through puberty or in its life. So I had made the decision I was going to get off all my medication. And my doctor told me to go ahead and try, but there's no way you can do it. Well, through experimenting with diet and other things, I did get off my medication. And I remember Dr. Moore sitting there and smiling at me and saying, you proved me wrong, Dawn, you know. But about that time, all of a sudden, I didn't want a child. And when I look back there, I think it was Dawn and me realizing that this was not a healthy marriage. And that I was not going. And to be, you know, why I didn't want children. That husband died about two and a half years later. I didn't know that he was ill. I didn't know that he had a rare form of cancer. And he told everybody that knew me that they were not allowed to tell me anything. So I did not find out about his death after he was dead and buried for a few months. And that was very, very devastating and very, very hard for me. I would have been there for him even if we had been divorced. You know, and I didn't have that opportunity. So, you know, that's on me. That's all on me, you know. Did he want the last laugh or the last say? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know what his reasoning was, but that's how I felt, you know. I was already living with another man when he died. In fact, I was already married. And days of my marriage lasted 21 years. At the beginning, it was wonderful and it was awesome. And we truly, truly loved each other. I do still love him today. Am I in love with him? No. Do I want to live with him? No. Can I live with him? Absolutely not. And you'll hear just a little bit more about that. But that relationship got very, very sick. Very, very sick. Very codependent. When we were living in Chicago, you know, we did a lot together. When we were living in Florida, talk about Florida, party city. All I did was work, play tennis, and drink. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. And he'd throw up a glass about that full. And that was what he considered a shot for me. And that's all he charged me was for the one shot of a glass like that. And that is how I existed. Once I started drinking again in my early 30s. It was just a drink here or there. And then I learned shots. And I learned hair of the dog. I don't know. All of you should understand what hair of the dog is. You know, when you wake up and you're hungover and you feel miserable, the best way to feel better is to drink. The best way to feel better is to drink. is to drink. And once I learned shots and hair of the dog, I was off to the races. And I was off to the races hard, and I was off to the races fast. So I probably had started drinking again about 32 and 33, and by 39, I was in my first detox. And I was very, very ill. I did not understand that I was an alcoholic. But I'm going to tell you a little something that happened before then. My husband and I, we were pregnant, and we were so excited about this baby. I was his third wife. He was my second, and we both really wanted children. And we both saw qualities in each other that we liked about parenting. So we were really, really excited about this child. I got very, very sick with my Crohn's disease. We got married on a Saturday, and I was in the hospital on Tuesday. They ended up giving me what is called a colostomy bag, which means I no longer have bowel movements from my rear end. And it was temporary. And then I had a terrible complication. And I went to the bathroom, and one day it emptied my bag, and a foot of intestine fell out of me. So we grabbed the towel. We grabbed to the emergency room. They tucked me all back in, and they looked at me, and they said, well, the solution to this is more surgery. But that's not going to work for you. You're pregnant. Your uterus is growing, and that's the reason you prolapse to begin with. And if we connect you again, you know, do that again to you, the same thing is going to happen. Back in 1983, there were no pre-neonatal care for children. And I was in the hospital, and they couldn't keep me alive long enough to get the baby viable enough to have a healthy newborn baby. And I wanted that child, and I was ready to lay down and die for that child, because that's all I wanted. I was the second mother in my household, and I didn't mind doing any of it. I didn't mind babysitting after school. I didn't mind doing all the cleaning. I didn't mind doing the laundry. I didn't mind getting dinner for the family. You know, that's what families did. And I never resented it or regretted that for a moment. I just wanted my own. And when I got married at 20, I was going to be going to have my four or five children by the time I was 30. And that was the plan. And that didn't happen. And they ended up taking that baby, and they made me sit in the abortion classes. I was there with a lot of young little girls that were excited about getting rid of their babies. I was sitting there five and a half months pregnant, looking very pregnant, not wanting to get rid of my baby. And I was quite a case. They sent me from downtown Chicago to the teaching school to have all of this done. And so, everybody came in. I was very unusual that I had what they called a prolapsed stoma and the fact that I was pregnant. So, I had to relive all of that and tell that story over and over and over again to every student and every doctor and every nurse that came in that room while I was there those few days. And I did not want to give up this baby. So, my husband promised me that we would adopt. And I thought, cool, there are lots of children out there that need loving, caring homes, and we can do that. And we went in and we did it. And we did it. And we did it. And we did it. And we did it. And we went into adoption. And we went into it for about three years. And as that time went on, they came close to doing what they call your home study. First of all, if you've been in adoption, you know it's extremely invasive. Nothing is hidden. You know, parents don't have to go through that to have a kid. It's the most easy, natural thing in the world to do is to be a parent. And that's all I wanted to do. And I was very good with children. And I couldn't understand why I couldn't have any. And I was pissed. And I was angry. And I remember when they were ready to do our home study, Dave told me that he just couldn't do it. He just couldn't do it. Maybe we'd adopt a mass murderer. You know, whatever his reasoning was. You know, and I was able to rationalize his way in a heartbeat. In a heartbeat, I rationalized that away. I was getting sick again. My first thought was, am I going to be well enough to take care of this baby? My second thought was, am I going to be live long enough to take care of this baby? I'd already been in a coma twice. You know, and I knew that I had been on death's door. And I knew that I had been on death's door. Because I did have an out-of-body experience, which you'll hear about in a little bit. So I was able to just rationalize that away. At that point in my life, there was not enough of Dawn, not enough of anything about Dawn that could help me stand up for myself and say, no, you promised and we're going to do this. You know, in later years and throughout my recovery, my ex-husband and I have talked about these things. And he does regret that also. But it is what it is what it is. And that dark hole and that pain. It was overwhelming. A couple years later, they decided that maybe it would be a good idea for me to try to get pregnant again. Because they decided that I had active disease when I conceived. And therefore, if I didn't have active disease when I conceived, maybe it would be a healthy pregnancy. And we tried and we tried and we tried. And it didn't happen. And we made him go get the test, of course, first. You know, and then it was time for me. And I said, well, we need to do this one little die-testy thing. And what we're going to do is we're going to cut open your tubes and you're going to get pregnant in a month or two. And everything's going to be just beautiful. I watched when they shot that die through me. And not one drop of that die went through my tubes. And that man stood up from his little stool, looked me right in the eye. And this is exactly what he said to me. Honey, you don't ever need to worry about using birth control again. And he walked out of the room. So just to tell you some of my emotional ups and downs, and these are just a few smatterings of them, a few smatterings of them. Like I said, I started drinking. And I went down very, very quickly. I was working full time. And what happened was is by the time I got home from work, I went straight to the bar. Did not take off my coat. Did not put down my purse. Did not take off a scarf or a hat. And I had to do five or six shots just to get ready to do the evening. Okay? Just to be able to cook dinner, calm down, do what I was supposed to do, and be a human being. And, of course, that kept getting worse and worse. And finally, you know, my husband had had it. And we had a big fight. And for whatever reason, he stumped up. And for whatever reason, I called. I made a phone call to Summit Ridge, which is in Lawrenceville. And I talked to this lady, Judy. Judy has saved my life more than once. And for whatever reason, I was very, very drunk. And I told her, honestly, the amount I was drinking. And the first thing she said to me was, don't stop drinking. I'm like, oh, cool. You know, this is great. You know, because I didn't know. But what she was talking about, if I had stopped drinking, something physically and medically was going to happen bad to me. Because I was ingesting that much alcohol. I did not have a clue that I was an alcoholic. I did not get it one little bit. I took Friday and Monday off. I went to detox for four days. I went back to work on Tuesday. They put me in an evening outpatient program where I did step one, two, and three, which I thought I did wonderfully and beautifully. And it didn't last. I stayed dry for 14 months. Dry. Except, I was still using that faithful old outside issue. You know, and I'd get high and go to a meeting. Alcohol's anonymous. You know, and I just didn't get it. And the husband just didn't get it. And when that beautiful bottle of tequila was under the Christmas tree that following December, both of us thought it was okay. She hasn't had a drink in over a year. I was still his party girl. I was still his party wife. I married my pot dealer. And, you know, we did love each other. But our life evolved around drugs, sex, booze, rock and roll. And that's the life that I lived. You know, and didn't have a clue. And I can tell you, once I picked up that booze, less than 48 hours later, I was drinking 24-7. The closet drinking started. Talks about that in the big book. About that. And when I read that, it's like, oh my gosh, that happened to me. You know, oh my gosh, that happened to me. And then when I look back at the period of time when I was smoking dope and not drinking, it took me a couple of years to see it. It took me a couple of years to see it. But it was just a substitute. It was just a substitute period. I did it extremely alcoholically. It was morning, noon, and night before I went to work, at lunchtime, all evening long. Where can I get it? How can we do it? I remember my husband hiding it from me because I would smoke up more than my share too quickly. You know, way back then. And so what I understand today is, is that a substance is a substance is a substance. And I do any substance alcohol. Alcoholically. I have always called myself an alcoholic. I have never referred to myself as a drug addict. I was able to put down all those outside substances, and there are some in my story that I will not go into. However, if I'm really honest, down in the pit of my heart and my soul, the reason I did those things was the exact same reason I drank. And everything about it was the same. So I am Dawn Heidern, and I am an alcoholic no matter what substance I choose to use. Anything that is mind-altering. Anything that is mind-altering. Anything that is spiritually dampening is something that I cannot have today. Period. Period. And that's just for me. On the morning of August 14th of the year 2000, I woke up in convulsions of alcohol poisoning. I woke up in convulsions of alcohol poisoning. I could not walk. I could not control my body. I finally crawled to the closet, and I got some booze down me. And every single morning when I drank. I threw up that first glug, glug, glug. And that was normal for me. It seemed really odd when I got sober not to throw up every morning. But I kept drinking, and I kept throwing it up. Kept drinking it, throwing it up. Drinking it, throwing it up. But somehow I got enough in my system that I could somewhat walk and get dressed and make a phone call. And when I called Dave and I asked him to come get me to take me to Summer Ridge, his first reaction was absolutely not. And I am done with you. Lots of swearing. Lots of yelling. Don't want to see you again. Don't want to hear from you again. I want a divorce. I want a divorce. I want a divorce. I want a divorce. I want a divorce. I want a divorce. I want a divorce. I want a divorce. I want a divorce. I want a divorce. I am done. I am done. And as harsh as that might sound to you, I understood, he was done. He was done with the lying. He was done with all of it. He knew I was drinking more than what he saw me drinking. However, he didn't have any clue how much that was. You know, you go in the kitchen then you pour the shots or you make some drinks. Well, I am in the kitchen. I am down in three or four of them. And then I come out with my little tray. That's a good little wipe with our drinks. And, you know, I hid buying it. I hid it in my car. I had to hide bringing it in my house. I had to hide getting into my closet, and I sat in my closet, and I drank it, you know. And it was normal for me to go into the bathroom because our closet, our bathroom went into the closet, to be in there for a period of time because, again, of my Crohn's disease because I went to the bathroom all the time. And when I went to the bathroom, you know, it was for 15, 20 minutes, whatever the deal was. So that was very normal for me to be gone, you know, when we were together during that period of time. And I finally convinced him to at least come give me a ride. And he picked me up and put my suitcase in the car, and he drove me to Summit Ridge without one word. And when we got there, he opened my door, and he threw my suitcase, literally threw my suitcase on the curb, and he said, have a nice life. Don't want anything to do with you ever again. And I walked in that place all by myself. And I knew, and I knew that moment of clarity when I woke up at 4 o'clock in the morning and that moment of clarity when he said that he wanted a divorce. I looked up at my ceiling, and I went like this. Now I can do this. And in that moment, step one, two, and three were done. In that moment, God had relieved absolutely everything from me. Everything from me. I choose the next day, August the 15th, as my sobriety date because that was the first date I did not drink or inject. And so for me, that's the miracle day. That's the miracle day. That's the miracle day. That's the miracle day. That's the miracle day. That's the miracle day. That's the miracle day. That's the miracle day. And when I woke up that next day, even medicated for detoxing, when I woke up the next day, I didn't want to drink. And I knew that was not dawn. I knew that it was a higher power. Could I have called it God? I don't know. But I understood that somebody was taking over and doing what I needed to do. And I was in that desperate place. I was in that jumping off place. I couldn't continue to drink the way I was, and I couldn't not drink. I would stand in the mirror, and I would look at myself, and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't stop drinking. When I was 20 years old, I was in the mirror, and I couldn't stop drinking. When I was 20 years old, I was in a coma, and I had an out-of-body experience. I was up on the ceiling, and I was looking about everybody in the room. I see rooms were very different back then. It was just one big circle of beds. And I could see everybody in that room, and I heard a voice clearly say to me, Dawn, you can give up and come with me now, or you can get back down there and you can fight. And I got back down there, and I fought. And I thought it was a dream. And then I started telling everybody what the other patients were doing. That woman keeps ripping off her ground. That man keeps pulling out his IV. This guy's doing da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And the nurse looked at me, and she says, Dawn, how do you know that? She says, you can't see their beds. So I know that that was real, and I know that that was true. And here I am 20 to 22 years later, not figuring out why I can't stop drinking, and remembering that and wondering how did I get from there to here? How did I get in that dark hole, crawling, crawling, crawling, trying to get out and making no progress and going down further? And further, and further, because I was drinking 24-7, literally. I actually lied and quit my job in April of that year, so I could literally stay home and drink 24-7. And I was drinking on the way to work, at lunchtime, on the way home from work, all evening long. I was high-functioning. I still got promotions. Nobody even questioned that I had been drinking during the day at work. A lot of us are very high-functioning, and therefore it takes us a long time to hit a bottom. You know, and I'm grateful I got to the bottom when I did. And, because I fought to stay alive with my Crohn's disease, I started fighting for my sobriety. They wanted to send me home after four days, and I said, absolutely not. I didn't know where I was going to go. My husband didn't want me. Yeah, it's my house too, but I didn't have a clue. And I sat there in the doctor, and he says, well, you know, I said, my insurance costs 30 days, 100%. I'm not ready to go home. He goes, well, that's if the doctors deem that necessary, or the insurance deems it necessary. And I looked at him and I said, you're the doctor, you make it necessary. And I sat there and I bawled. They kept me for another five, five or six days, and the night that I went home, my first sponsor took me home. They took me to a meeting that first night at Summit Ridge, and I, the nurses wouldn't let me go, because I couldn't walk. I mean, I couldn't even hold the cup of water to take the medication. That's how bad I was physically. And my doctor has told me over and over again, you should have never walked in that building. I mean, I couldn't even fill out the forms. Because I couldn't, I couldn't write. I was that bad off. And I know that I was on death's door that day. And I know that God came instantly. So I have fought for my sobriety. And they wanted to send me home on a Thursday night, with no plans for anything until Monday. And I knew I couldn't do that. I knew I couldn't do it. And I walked in there where actually, Leroy, who has saved my butt, actually carried me down to that meeting. I mean, I was sort of walking, but he basically carried me down there. And when I looked in that room. And I walked in there. I saw two people I recognized. One guy's name was John. He had been sober for years when I was there in 96. And he was still sober in 2000. There was another fella. And I'm not sure that Max understands this. I've told him the story a couple times. But I don't think he gets it. And he saved my life. Because Max and I went through outpatient before, four years earlier. I knew what a piece of crap his life was. I knew what his pain was. And in one moment of looking at him, everything was completely different. Everything about him was completely different. And in that moment, in that tiny, tiny little moment, I had hope. I had this little bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, I don't have to drink again also. And he took me to this woman after the meeting and said, This is Kat. Kat, this is Dawn. Dawn, she's your sponsor. I said, Cool. So I'm so proud of myself. I call her the next day, still in detox. And I'm, you know, kind of boasting to the counselor about it. And he says, Dawn, does she work or does she stay home? I said, She works full time. He says, Well, honey, you're so sick. You need two sponsors. Now you need to find a woman that stays home all day. So you have somebody to call during the day. And you have somebody to call at night. And the next day, Wednesday, there was a woman's meeting there at that facility. And I had seen this other woman on Monday night. And I really liked what she had to say. And I kind of understood that attraction. I don't know if everybody said it. But there was something about her. And it was her spirituality. And Nancy became that second sponsor 48 hours later. So here I am in detox calling two sponsors, you know. And when I got out, they wanted to put me in an evening outpatient program. I said, Absolutely not. I knew there was a full-time daytime program. And I fought for it. And so I willingly went into lockdown Monday through Friday, 9 to 4. And I did that for five or six weeks. And every night I went to two meetings. I sat down with the meeting schedule. You can go here at 6 to 630. And you can make a call. You can make it there at 8 o'clock. You go early to the early meeting so you can have before the meeting. You stay late to the second meeting so you can have after the meeting. And I did that over and over and over again. I was not employable when I got sober. At about five months sober, I finally did get a job. And my prayer was, God, please help me find a way to support myself. And God gave me a job in my field making more money than I had ever made before. And at the age of 43, at six months sober, it was the very first time I had ever, ever lived by myself and supported myself. I had maybe a month or two and a little, I was using up somebody's lease at an apartment between the first husband and the second husband. But that was it. You know, there was always a relationship and there was always a man. And I always just kept moving on. You know. And somehow I found out. At around 30. I found out at around close to 60 days sober that there was a woman's retreat down at Rock Eagle. So I convinced a couple of my girlfriends who were in recovery with me that we were going to Rock Eagle. And I went to WRW, which is a woman's recovery weekend. And WRW saved my life. They had it every six months, twice a year. And for the next 12 years, I missed two. One, because I had just gotten out of the hospital for surgery again. And the other one is I had a little surrogate grandson. And they needed me to take care of them. And they needed me to take care of him that weekend. For 12 years, I showed up twice a year. I did every bit of service work that there can be. Period. Period. Share any meeting. Do any of the things that it takes to put on a workshop. I did all of it. And I did it willingly. And as people say, I did it for free. And I did it for fun. And it was a blast. You know. And I have a lot of fun in sobriety today. I go. And I go as my body allows me to go. You know. And I have to tell the story of Lindsay real quick. Lindsay is my sister. Lindsay has known me pretty much from day one. She met me that weekend at WRW. But we probably really didn't get close until when I was 11 months sober. And when I was 11 months sober, I was pulling out of an AA meeting. And a pickup truck hit me at 50 miles an hour in the driver's door. I should not have lived or I should have severely been mangled. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that God put his arm right there. Because I remember turning as far away as I could from the door. And the next day there was no driver's seat to sit in. There was no passenger seat to sit in. And I walked away with bruises and bumps and pulled muscles and things like that. Lindsay took me in that night. My sponsor wasn't available. And that was the first time I let anybody help me. I let lots of people help my sobriety. But to help me. I was broken. I was scared. I didn't know what to do. She took me home. She took care of me. She helped me get a rental car the next day. She told me what to do. Just make this phone call. Just make that phone call. Just do this. Just do that. And I remember driving up to the new meeting. I was in Lawrenceville. And still my home group was Serenity House up in Beaufort. And I'm driving up the expressway. All of a sudden I burst into tears. Overwhelming tears. I shouldn't have been driving. I couldn't even see for all the tears. But it finally hit me that God wanted me alive for a reason. He wanted me alive for a reason. But the biggest miracle in that. For me was. Is that I didn't have to know why. I didn't have to know why. Because it was always. I'm just a wife. I just work for a dentist. I just do this. Because without being a mother and a grandmother. I thought I had no purpose in my life. You know. And God has taken me on an incredible, incredible, incredible journey. And it is very divine and inspired. There's no doubt in my mind that God sent me today the first time. So I'd be ready when I was really ready to come. Because I knew too much and I understood too much. You know. I've had awesome, awesome sponsorship. When I let God choose the sponsor. There's a time when I didn't want. And it was a mess. And it was a disaster. I still learned something very, very important from that relationship. But it was a nasty ending. And she ripped apart my sobriety. And I also know that if it had been anybody else. They probably would have gone back out. But I had enough other support. And enough other women that I talked to on a regular basis. That I didn't have to do that. And two women picked me up. And basically sponsored me for a couple of months. And then one of them finally became the more permanent sponsor. And she has taught me so much. And I've had a few sponsors. One, two, three, four. I don't sponsor HOP or anything like that. But my experience for me has been. You know, after a number of years. I need to move on to something different. I need something different. I don't know why my sobriety is that way. I'm not running away from anything. I just need something different. All that that woman could give me. I got. And I had to move on. You know, it inspires me to think that there's something wrong with me. When I hear these people say. Remember the same sponsor for 15 years. Remember the same sponsor for 30 years. And I think what's wrong with me. And then I have to remember. My sobriety is my sobriety. And her sobriety is her sobriety. And that's the way it's been working for me. And I have a very high quality sponsorship. And every single one of those women. Have taught me. How to be a woman I am today. They are in my head. They are in my life. I live the life I have today. Because every single one of those women. Lives within my soul. And lives within my spirit. And I carry on. What they have taught me. I started sponsoring very, very young. I'm not sure. I don't think I was even quite. A year sober. I don't remember. And I have grown and learned a lot as a sponsor. Man, I used to get so pissed off early in sobriety. Somebody go back out. Why don't they want. I couldn't understand. Why somebody wouldn't want. What I had just been so freely given. I couldn't understand. Why somebody didn't want to do the work. Look at what I have. Why wouldn't anybody want this way out. I came from hell. I came from desperation. Aren't you coming from there too. And you don't want this. And you're not working on it. And you're just picking and choosing. And picking and choosing. But you're not doing the program. And you're not staying sober. And eventually you're drinking. Or we sit in the room a dry drunk. You know. It concerns me. And it scares me today. That there's so much untreated alcoholism sitting in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's given to us as a gift. None of us got to the doors by ourself. I was carried there by God. A God I didn't even know and understand. And so was every single one of us. And it's about doing the steps as they're written. In order. Every single bit of it. Not just picking and choosing. And I'll do this. But I won't do this. And I'll do this. And I'll do this. And I'll do this. And I'll do this. And I'll do this. And I'll do this. And I'll do this. And I'll do this. And I'll do this. And I'll do this. And I'll do this. And I'll do this. And I'll do this. And I'll do this. And I'll do this. And I'll do that. And I'll do that. And I'll do that. And I'll do that. And I'll do that. You know? People say, well, if you don't do your fourth and fifth step, you won't stay sober. Well, guess what? If you don't do sixth and seventh, ask God to remove all that crap. You're not going to stay sober either. And if you don't continue on with eighth and ninth, and do all your amends, you're never going to get humble. And step ten is my mainstay. I mean, that's not just at night. It's all day long. All day long. All day long. You know, I will start saying something to somebody and stop mid-sentence and I'll say, you know what, never mind. You know, if I have to make an amends, I can't go to sleep that night without making that amends. Step 10 is so important. And 11 and 12 is the same thing. Meditation, conscious contact with God. You know, and every day I strive to have that more and more conscious contact with God. There's a man called Sandy B. and he passed away recently. And I don't know if any of you have ever had the honor and privilege of hearing him speak. But I've heard him speak a number of times and I think I have just about every disc that he ever made. And he is my spiritual hero and he is my spiritual giant. And this is what he says. There is one problem and one problem only. And that is unconscious contact with God. And the longer my journey continues and the more spiritual I get and the more lessons that I learn. Because today everything's... It's just a lesson. Everything is just a lesson. I'm going to make mistakes. I'm supposed to make mistakes. You know, and I love this little plaque I find. I am just beautiful and wonderful just as I am even with all my imperfections. Because I'm not supposed to be perfect. Thank God. What a load that is off my shoulders. I don't have to be perfect anymore. I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. Yes, I do think I am responsible that somebody sees a sober member of Alcoholics. Anonymous. And I am responsible for that. I still go to a meeting every single day. Pretty much. You know, I still don't get up during the meeting. You know, I don't talk during the meeting. I don't text during the meeting. I don't pass notes during the meeting. Because I was taught when I came in, I had rules and regulations. There was none of this, oh, it's just a suggestion. It was gone. You do this and you don't do that. You do this and you don't do that. And if somebody hadn't taught me that way, I would not be standing here today. It was up to my own device. On a suggestion whether I should take it or not, I wouldn't be sober. I wouldn't be alive. I wouldn't be standing here. And I wouldn't be speaking tonight. But that's what I needed. Everybody is a little bit different. But it concerns me that some of that is getting so wishy-washy and kind of washed down. Even being a speaker today. I was taught that when I spoke that I was to dress. And as a woman, that meant wearing a dress. I did get permission to wear tall boots tonight rather than high heels because it is cold out. But you notice I said, I got permission. But I am dressed today. Ultimately, does it matter what somebody wears when they're up at the podium to tell their story? Probably not. But what I was taught, it's the honor. It's the privilege. It's the respect for the people you're talking to. It's the respect that you're giving Alcoholics Anonymous. That this is an honor and a privilege. And to never, ever, ever take that lightly. You know. Give me about five minutes and I'll be done. And I know I've gone over. However. From November of 2010 through the spring of 2013, I had surgery after surgery after surgery after surgery. And they were multiple months days. One was two and a half months. I was on life support. The whole gig and everything. And the last few years have been very difficult for me when I can't do what I want to do because my body won't allow me to do it. So I've had to come to a lot of acceptance today. You know. And I do what I can do. I do what I can do on the day that I can do it. And some days I have to push myself hard. And in other days I have to recognize that I need to rest. And that has been an incredible lesson for me. At eight years sober I had to go bankrupt because of my shopping addiction. Five years sober I got a wonderful mortgage. I had a very good mortgage rate for 30 years. You know. In 2013 they foreclosed on my house. Because I had no means of paying my bills. My. 80-some-year-old mother was paying all the bills of her mid-50-year-old daughter just to get through the month. And that is incredibly humbling. Incredibly humbling, let me tell you. I do have my disability today. And it was a three-and-a-half-year-long process. And I'm grateful and I'm thankful that I have prescription coverage, that I have medical coverage, that I have a means of supporting myself. Is it a lot of money to live on? Absolutely not. But that's up to me. And my sponsor and my God to figure out a way to do that. And so far I've been able to do that. And feel completely blessed. And there is nothing wrong with my life today. It's all about acceptance. It's just about accepting it. And this is what I also do. I keep it extremely simple. I woke up today. I woke up sober today. Neither of those things should be reality. And no matter what horrible, horrible thing may happen today, it's still a fabulous day. Because I woke up. And I woke up sober. I was going to read something at the end, but I'm not. I'm going to tell you about my frog really, really quick. In fact, if you were here when Lindsay spoke a couple months ago, she came up with the frog. I have a great big, huge frog, which is my frog. And that's a God story. But anyway, frog means fully rely on God. And I found this plaque when I was about six months sober. And it said, fully rely on God. And it had a frog on it. So I started becoming the frog lady. And I gave frogs to everybody. And I handed them out. And na-na-na-na-na-na-na. And you know, and today, I still hear somebody say, my sponsor just gave me a frog. And we're probably maybe 10 or 15 people down the way. Because a lot of those women that I gave their frog to have given it to their sponsees, and their sponsees, and their sponsees, and their sponsees, and their sponsees. This frog, my father held in his hand while he was dying. I was there. The only one there to help him pass that night. And it was a gift. And it was a privilege. And I remember, and he knew about frogs. And my father had given me frogs. And I told him, he was not able to speak. And I told him I was putting a frog in his hand if he wanted to hold it, he could. And if he didn't, it was okay. And he grabbed onto this frog as hard as he could. And after he passed, he was still holding onto this frog. I was going to bury it with him, but my father was cremated. So this frog sits in my purse. I always have a frog in my purse, and in my car, and everywhere else, because God is always with me, and I need to remember to always fully rely on God. And so my God and my Father, my Daddy travel with me everywhere I go. My Father was extremely proud of me, extremely proud of me, even for all the heartache and pain that I gave that man. And I know that he's up there cheering me on, telling me to keep growing, keep moving, keep doing what I'm supposed to be doing as a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. It has been an honor. It has been a privilege. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is not done with me yet. And that is an absolute thrilling thing for me. And he's not done with either one of you two. Thank you. Thank you, Dawn. Thank you very much. I've asked Linda to come up here and give out the chips for us. Hi, I'm Linda, and I am still an alcoholic. In Alcoholics Anonymous, we have a chip system. The white chip is if you want to surrender to our way of life. Being sober is awesome. Being drunk sucks. Anyway, does anybody want to pick up a white chip today? Anybody? And we have a silver chip for 30 days and 30 sober nights. And I don't know why I like to say this, but red is for 90 days where blood is going through your veins instead of all the booze. Anybody for a red chip? And yellow chip is for six months of sobriety. Anybody with six months? And the green chip is for nine months. And we have a blue chip for a year or multiples thereof. They're all good. We're going to make it quick. Tim Moore has got 12 years of sobriety. He tells me, as his father sees it, that I've been keeping him sober for about seven and a half years now. So that's my story. Thank you for everything. 12 years, and we've got people on curfew and might miss the bus. But this meeting has been great. Tim has been great. And, you know, it's just such a gift. I'm the first person I've ever went on. What do I say? I'll tell you what they told me. If you want to stay sober, nobody's going to force you out of staying sober. If you don't want to stay sober, nothing that big is going to make any difference. But it helps to have friends and a place you can come to. You're welcome. And it's just a gift. It's not smarts. It's not a lot of things. It's a gift, and it's taken care of. It's a gift itself. Thanks, everybody.