Old Ideas About Me, You, and Higher Power — Cleaned All Three Boxes Out at Two Years Sober – Brenda J.

God, I offer myself to you to build with me and to do with me as you will.
Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do your will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those that I will help of your power,
your love, and your way of life. May I do your will always.
My name is Brenda. I'm a recovering lesbian, Hispanic, Catholic, alcoholic, drug addict, four-figured woman.
There's a girl in my home group that she's like, do you have to lead off with that?
I said, yes, I think that these people need to know who they're dealing with right away.
Les quiero dar muchas gracias por la oportunidad de estar aquí con ustedes ahora.
Le doy gracias primeramente a Dios por la vida que me ha concedido.
Y con su permiso, le doy gracias a Dios por la vida que me ha concedido.
Permiso, voy a hablar en inglés.
For those of you who don't understand Spanish, what I said was, hello.
I can tell you already that some of you,
I watch way too much television.
The way I know that is that I started to speak in Spanish,
and someone turned to the person next to him and said, who hit the SAP button?
Y'all are so cute, you know, don't inconvenience alcoholics.
Y'all are like, is this going to be bilingual?
Because that's like subtitles. They ruin the movie.
I don't know if you're going to be able to see this, but I'm not going to be able to see this.
I don't know if you're going to be able to see this, but I'm not going to be able to see this.
I'd like to thank the committee for the invitation to come and share my story with you today,
and especially Mark.
And they never let you pick anyone else. It's your own damn fault.
I have been clean and sober by the grace of a God I didn't believe in since July the 3rd of 1990.
And I'm indeed grateful for that time.
When I got here, one of my first impressions was,
I walked into the meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous,
and my first conscious thought was, I don't know where we are, but we can't be very far from hell.
Being here with you this weekend, I'm not sure where we are,
but we can't be very far from the fourth dimension.
I've made it a point while I've been sober to never speak at a place where it's being recorded.
And I just couldn't afford to leave any evidence.
So the tape from the workshop yesterday and the tape from this session today will be,
well, I can explain.
It'll be the first time I've done that, and I don't know.
I don't know.
All I know is that if the CD or the tape gets,
somewhere 10 years from now, and some newcomers listening to it in the car,
if all they get is, God, if she made it, I can do it, that's all that matters to me.
You know, I don't care.
It's funny because I went to a conference in, I guess it was in Cedar Canyon or somewhere,
and found out that they were actually recording it.
You know, I guess they knew and they didn't tell me before, whatever.
And the guy comes up after and gave me one copy of the tape.
So Mark called.
Mark called and said, can you send us a tape?
I'm like, what do you want to hear, you know?
He meant of me.
You know, I'm an alcoholic.
I'm like, buy your own damn music.
What?
I said, well, okay, Mark.
I said, I've got one.
I said, I'll send it to you, and if you could just, like, hold on to it and send it back,
that'd be really good.
And being the alcoholic he is, he calls in January and he said, listen, we got your tape.
Oh, I have good news.
Bad news.
Good news is we'd love for you to come share your story.
I said, yes, I will.
He said, bad news is that we were listening to the tape.
It broke in the middle.
We don't know how any of your crap ends.
So I'm here to tell the rest of the story.
If anything I share with you today comes out in any kind of,
um,
sequential, chronological order, no one will be more surprised than me.
I'm going to share it as it comes, and you can go home and sift through it later, okay?
By the way, Lila mentioned she wasn't going to be here today.
Kimberly mentioned to me the other day that she was seven months old when Lila got sober.
Let's not tell her, okay?
God knows what that's going to do, you know?
I'm really glad to be here.
I'm glad to be sober, present, and accounted for in my body, okay?
Here is where I am.
I am nowhere else but right here in front of you, live, in color, unplugged, okay?
Somebody said to me yesterday after the workshop, she said, damn, she said,
you're the first one I ever thought they need to videotape instead of record.
She said, because when they're recording, they're going to be like, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
When they listen to the tape or the CD, it's going to sound really pissed, and they're
not going to get it.
It was funny.
There's some young kid running around here.
Before the workshop yesterday, he says, man, you look so serene.
You look so peaceful.
I hate you.
Okay, so here's the deal.
What I want to know when I go to a speaker meeting is, are they going to suck?
Okay?
Because you're thinking, like, invest an hour?
And I think we should just all up front, right?
So I'm going to tell you what I'm going to talk about, and then you can decide whether
or not you need to hear any of it, you know?
I am going to talk about pain, surrender, peace, God, love, forgiveness, holding on,
letting go.
I'll slow down.
Sorry.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Let's give it up for these people down here, all right?
Let's give it up for these people down here, all right?
You know, I don't know sign language, but that last one was like, I don't know what
the hell she said.
.
I'm sorry.
don't change my story okay
all right enough of the crap i'm gonna talk about me i'm gonna talk about me and i have
a sponsor long ago who said if i talk about me and it pisses you off okay
you know this is just the stuff i've had to do to improve the quality of my life
that's it that's it it's just the places i've had to go the tools i've had to pick up
all that and that's what i've come to talk to you about and i've come to talk to you about god
and the reason i've come to talk to you about god is i don't talk to you about god i don't
have anything else to say and when i say god please don't let poverty of my own language
keep you from learning the message
you
all i'm talking about is whatever makes the sun come up
and go to sleep at night without my direct supervision
you know if we waited for me sometime about 11 30 i'd walk out
you know it just happens without me you know and something
happens without me you know and something happens without me you know and something
takes a seed and turns it into a tomato, an alcoholic and turns him into a musician, something
takes an addict and turns him into a miracle. That's all I'm talking about. Now, I don't
want to stand up and waste your time. I'm going to make a huge, huge assumption. I'm
going to assume that you got the drinking going up, screwing everything up as bad. I'm
going to assume you got that part down. Okay? So what I'm going to talk about, you know,
I have a problem sometimes when I go to speaker meetings and they've been here like 400 years
and they only get to recovery like seven minutes before the hour is over.
I'm thinking, I don't give a rat's ass what happened to you before. What's happened to
you since you came to AA? This is where I live. I want to know. So my drunken log is
three sentences long. I drank at the beginning to feel good. Then I drank to feel normal.
Then I drank to not feel. Now, if you understand that, I don't need to explain it. If you don't
understand, keep coming back. Now, let's fast forward to when I showed up in AA. I want to
talk about what happened. It's like now. So I have to tell you, I grew up in a little town called
Denial.
And, and me and all my loved ones live there.
I'm one of nine kids in my family. There's seven girls, two boys, one mom, one dad.
And there were, I guess, like nine, there were like 15 of us originally and the other kids
didn't make it out of childhood.
Um, the child before me died. The child after me died. What are the odds? Um, um, we all still live
in San Angelo. That's out in West Texas where there's only two gay people and we're all here
this weekend. Um, but I think it's catching. As we speak, testing the water back home.
Um,
and so I know that the only part of my story you care about is the part that sounds like yours. So
I won't like do the childhood stuff other than to tell you that it was the most, um,
painfully wonderful thing that ever happened to me.
Um,
I was 24 when I sobered up. I'm 37 now.
Um,
I only quit drinking because I couldn't take one more drink.
My suggestion to the newcomers, don't quit before that moment. You know, you'll just, it'll, it'll just hurt.
You know,
why go to AA if you're not done? You know, what the hell is that about?
So drink until that last drink.
Drink until that last tablespoon of NyQuil.
Drink until that last tablespoon of NyQuil.
Drink until that last tablespoon of NyQuil.
Drink until that last swallow of Listerine, drink until that last drop of vanilla extract,
drink until one more swallow of shaving lotion, and then, if you're ready, you can join us
on the broad highway.
I was 24 years old and I knew my father was an alcoholic, whether he knew it or not, and
I was just living in a lot of insanity.
So I called up a treatment facility, I don't know why, and I said, listen, I've got a problem
with my father.
Look, if y'all are going to get ahead of me, I'm not going to share.
I am on the phone right now.
I said, listen, I've got a problem.
Would y'all stop laughing?
You're cutting into my time.
I've got a problem with my father, and I'm really angry with him, and I'd love to come
to the thing that you have there, the treatment facility, and the young lady who answered
the phone said, wonderful.
She said, on Tuesday is family day, come on.
So next Tuesday morning, I got up, showered, changed, went to the thing, and there were
a bunch of alcoholics and who had family day, and I walked around and asked, do you
have family here?
And then I found some poor guy that said, no, I don't have any.
He said, no, I don't have any.
I said, I will be family today because I don't have an addict here.
How cute.
They let us do role play stuff, and we were like really heated with each other, never
seen each other before.
It was great.
So at the end, I hugged him, told him I'd be back next Tuesday.
He was like, I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
But anyway, it was a four Tuesday thing.
I went every week, you know.
I felt really close to him by the time we were done.
And it was the last Tuesday of this meeting, and so I was saying bye to the Counselor lady,
and bye to my little addict, and bye to the others.
And the Counselor lady said, you want to go to a meeting?
.
A meeting of what?
.
She said, an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
It's an open meeting.
Anybody can come.
And before I could answer, she said, get in the van.
If you're new and anybody ever says to you, get in the van, do not get in the van.
So here we are, me and 12 little addicts in the van.
We get to the AA group.
They let us out.
I feel like them.
I don't know why.
So they went into the AA meeting and I went into the Adlon meeting because my father was my problem, right?
And so I went to Adlon and they immediately started placing bets on how long it would take.
Shut up, sir.
He may have been one of the ones that bet.
Never told me I needed to go to AA.
They just always told me, there's another door over there.
I thought we could get a door.
So I went to Adlon for a little while.
And then the lady who said, get in the van, that lady, she was in the lobby one day and I said, you know, can I ask you something?
I said, my sister made me really mad yesterday and I went and bought a big old 32 cup of beer at the party barn and I drank it and I didn't want it.
She said, oh.
I said, and then the day after that, my sister made me really mad and I went and bought a 32 ounce cup of beer and drank it and I didn't want it.
She said, oh.
She said, I haven't.
We're sitting in the lobby.
There's 200 people standing around and she says, why don't you just say my name is Brenda and I'm an alcoholic.
And with all the indignation I could summon, I looked at her and I said, because it would not be the truth.
Look, I told you I grew up in denial.
Get off my ass.
She said, that's fine if it's not the truth.
It doesn't have to be the truth.
Just say it.
Now she's starting to piss me off, right?
Oh, I'm the spiritual speaker.
Was I supposed to cuss?
Yeah, whatever.
Yeah.
So anyway, so I said, okay, okay.
My name is Brenda and I'm a.
My name is Brent.
Oh, you're going to go.
It's just fixing to get good.
Bye bye.
Bye bye.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
Um.
They're not mad.
I can explain.
I don't care.
So anyway, the long and short of it is I finally said it.
And when I said my name and I'm an alcoholic, everything that I had ever hidden behind came
crashing down around me.
I started to sob uncontrollably on that couch.
And she said, you know what, tomorrow's Friday night, there's a women's meeting here at seven
o'clock.
Here's my phone number.
I'll meet you here at the meeting.
So I went home and thought of a million reasons why I couldn't go.
I couldn't go.
I mean, you know, I was going to need to take care of the dog and I didn't have one.
Um.
There were so many things I needed to do and I couldn't go.
And I picked up the phone a hundred times that day to tell her I can't go.
I went.
And I stood literally at the door of the Alcoholics Anonymous room and the lady, the van lady,
she said, I brought you this far.
If you're coming in, you're going to have to come alone.
And I stood at the threshold and went, okay, hold on.
And I stepped into Alcoholics Anonymous.
My first meeting was on honesty.
My second meeting was on truth.
God had big plans for me right away.
I went to a Friday night meeting and there were a bunch of women there.
It was a women's meeting and there were about 11 or so of them.
I just noticed that I was impressed because I didn't know what a woman alcoholic looked
like.
Oh, shut up.
I'd been looking at one in the mirror for a long, long time.
I looked around and went, they don't smell very bad.
They don't smell very bad.
They don't smell very bad.
They don't smell very bad.
They don't smell very bad.
They don't smell very bad.
They don't smell very bad.
Hmm.
So the meeting was over and then this lady stood up and she said, you go eat at the kettle
with us.
I'm an alcoholic and an addict.
I'm at the end dying.
This white woman wants to know, do I want to go to the kettle with them?
I opened my mouth and I went, yes, I'd love to.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
She said, good.
Get in the van.
I want to get in.
I want to have lots of Gad Exodus.
Because you know, I'm smart.
I'm smart.
I'm extremely intelligent.
I said, I'll take my car.
She said, get in the van.
I go to the van.
I get in the van and we go to the kettle.
At one point, they sat us at a long table in the back.
At one point I looked down the table.
I said God, don't do this to me.
table in real life, sitting around the table with 11 white women. The image of the Last Supper came
to me. All I could think was, I hope to God none of my friends see me in here.
And at that moment, I got Jesus. You know what I mean? So we went to dinner, and the lady said,
the van lady, she said, there's a meeting at 11 o'clock in the morning. Will you come?
And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna be there. You know, I'm gonna be there.
In the back of my mind, thinking you're never going to see my ass again.
And so I showed up to the 11 o'clock meeting the next day.
I show up, the meeting's right in the middle of it, and all of a sudden, we signs, okay? And there's
like cops coming. There's a fight in the lobby. I walk out the door, and there's this guy with this
huge 44-ounce mug. He took it. Get this guy upside the forehead. Blood everywhere. People are
screaming. Everybody's pissed. Somebody's saying, take it outside, take it outside. The cops come in,
and I thought two thoughts at the same time. I thought, you know,
what? This is where I came from. I don't need this. I don't need to come to Alcoholics Anonymous
to see this. I can go home to see this. And the other thought I thought was, I'm home.
I mean, there were blood and cops and everything, you know?
So the other thing I thought, I don't know, I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home.
I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home.
My God loves me.
So I kept coming to Alcoholics Anonymous, and God bless the women of Alcoholics Anonymous.
They took me under their wings, mostly because they were for you.
And they tried to help me, and I didn't want it.
I didn't know what I wanted, but hell wasn't it.
You know, people would say, if you want what we have, I'm like, what are you driving?
And so they helped me.
And there was this one woman, her name was Pam, and she said, listen, here's my number.
I think I need to sponsor you.
And I said, yeah, whatever.
She said, call me.
I said, when do I call you?
She said, well, call me anytime you have an idea.
I didn't have a whole lot going on for me, but I did have a lot of ideas.
So I'm rocking right along.
I'm going to meetings.
I'm trying to pay attention.
They're trying to help me.
I'm trying not to let them.
I was angry.
I was just miserable.
You know, my spiritual condition, we all get here in.
And this lady said after a meeting, listen, why don't you help pick up the ashtrays?
I said, oh, hell no.
She didn't just.
That.
It's because Brown.
And they need a janitor.
And I'm going to have to nip this in the bud.
So I went to the furthest corner of the room and picked up this huge, huge square glass ashtray and flung it across the room toward a large trash can on the other side of the room.
The lady calls me over.
She's come here.
I didn't have a problem.
I thought in my mind, I thank you.
She said, come here.
She said, we're not going to start you with ashtrays.
She said, why don't you just pick up the styrofoam?
Each of your coffee cups,
and you needed to know that.
So I went to AA meetings and I'd bring my newspaper.
And I would sit in the corner of the room and as soon as the meeting started, I'd open the sportsbook.
page and there was a guy there god love him his name's well okay wally and it would like really
it would like really really make him mad because he was about the recovery and i was about the
business of pissing him off and he'd say you know if you're gonna bring your paper you will just get
the hell out of here i loved him so the next day i brought my paper and my headphones
i cracked my up so i'd get my paper out and i'd put on my headphones
now they weren't on weren't on i could hear every word that was being said but i couldn't let you
know that i that i needed it you know and i made a few meetings and and i started to feel better
and i went home and i told my mom i said mom i said i got that a thing it's going all right
you
She said, good, good.
I said, they don't have a leader.
Do you know that, like, they don't have a leader?
She said, oh.
She said, well, good, we'll go back.
I said, I am.
I think they're going to ask me.
So I went back to Alcoholics Anonymous like I was running her office, okay?
I was glad to greet her.
Hello, welcome.
Hey, how the hell are you?
And I started to make some friends, and there was this guy.
He was a coke addict coming to Alcoholics Anonymous, and his name was Pat.
And I said, hey, how are you?
And we visited and talked and stuff.
And I would tell him, you know, geez, I've got 30 minutes.
I'm crazy.
I don't know what to do.
I really want to drink.
And I'm trying to listen.
I'm trying to pay attention.
I'm trying to be promoted from cups.
I'm doing everything I can.
I said, and I don't know what I'll do.
I think I'm going to drink.
And he comes over to where I am, and he says, you know what?
I know exactly how you feel.
I was there.
That happened to me.
I said, all right.
I said, what did you do?
He said, well, I really think that what needs to happen is you need to sleep with me.
I said, all right, hold on just a minute.
Pam, I just had an idea, and I need to run it by you.
She said, I don't know what to do.
She said, I don't know what to do.
I said, I'm up at the AA meeting, and I was talking to Pat, and I was telling him that I really, really wanted to drink, and I didn't know what to do about it.
And he said that what I really needed to do about it was to sleep with him, and I was just going to call and check that out with you because you told me to call you.
It's for you!
I don't know what she told him, but I haven't seen that son of a bitch since.
So I tell the women I sponsor, if anybody in Alcoholics Anonymous asks for your phone number, tell them your sponsor wants to know what step they're on.
You come check that out with them, and we'll confirm whether or not they need your number.
Works for me.
So I'm in time.
I'm feeling much better.
I get my one-year birthday call.
Well, you know, I need to tell you something important.
At the end, I was drinking just with my family.
I didn't have to go out in the house.
You know, geez, we're all drank the same.
You know, Monday, Tuesday, Groundhog Day, Christmas, you know, and I was drinking with them, and I got to treatment, and they let me out on my first weekend pass.
And I was so excited because I missed my family.
I missed them.
I loved them.
They were what I knew and who I loved.
They were who I had and where I'd been and all that.
And I called my sister, and I said, come get me.
I said, they're going to let me home for the weekend.
And I was so excited.
She pulled up, and we went.
She, you know, and I got in the car with her, and I said, I'm so excited.
And she said, good.
I was like, we're going to stop over at my brother's house, and then we'll go on.
And I said, oh, so I get to my brother's house, and they've laid out this huge keg for me to celebrate that I got a weekend off treatment.
Treatment.
And it scared me.
I walked in.
I wanted to see them all, and I loved them, and I missed them, and I couldn't drink.
And my older sister came to me, and she said, look, if you're going to be part of this family, you're going to have to drink.
Drink.
Drink.
Drink.
Drink.
Drink.
Drink.
Drink.
Drink.
Drink.
Drink.
Drink.
Drink.
And I started to cry.
I started to cry because I missed them, and I knew I had to go.
So I called the treatment place, and I told them to come get me.
And that was the day that I decided that if I needed to lose my family,
that I was sober, that I was willing.
I got my one year, you know, feeling better, and I have nine.
There's nine of us, right?
I have 23 nephews and nieces, 11 nephews and nieces.
My sobriety station changes every day, you know?
I'm staying sober.
I'm finding a way to live my life.
I'm showing up for these kids.
I mean, I have been to more violin recitals than should be required of any.
I'm a sober person.
But I go, and I'm excited, and I'm thrilled,
and it's the grandest piece of music ever heard, you know?
And they get down off the stage, and they're like,
it was good, right?
And I'm like, wow!
It was excellent.
And I'll go.
I have a nephew who's got muscular dystrophy and cerebral palsy,
and he's in the Special Olympics.
And I go, and I take signs.
You know, Eric's aunt.
I run along the side of the road, you know?
And weee!
And they're like, is she sober, you know?
And I do.
I show up with signs and streamers and banners.
My 18-year-old nephew went and took his driving test.
I was at the DPS office.
Yay!
And I brought a camera.
I've got pictures.
Wow!
You know?
So I try and show up for all their stuff, man.
Because I took...
I told God one thing.
I said, if you help me get sober, I promise I'll do everything I can
not to miss one more moment of my life.
God made good on his promise.
So I show up for all of it.
You know?
And I got one year sober, and I called my sister,
who said, if you're going to be part of the family, you've got to drink.
And I said, hey, I got one year, and I'm calling to tell you.
She said, God, you've been there a year, and they haven't made you the president yet?
I said, no.
I said, things move slowly there.
So, when I start sponsoring women,
the first question is, how do you feel about ashtrays?
I think someone should have asked me, right?
You know, they just started me off, you know?
And by the time...
By the time I moved up to ashtrays,
I somehow had the feeling I'd been promoted, and hey, yeah!
So I start sponsoring women, and I pray on the phone with them all the time.
This one's for you, Mark.
I pray on the phone with them all the time.
You know, we say the third step prayer, the seventh step prayer,
and we just go do that deal, and they call wherever, whenever.
I'm on my cell phone.
Now, I was a teacher, and I taught sixth grade,
and then my kids move on to the junior high,
and I was at the junior high for an awards banquet of some sort,
and it's in an old auditorium in an old building,
and I didn't have very good reception,
but it was one of the women that I sponsor,
and she called, and she goes, I really need to pray.
I said, okay.
She doesn't know the prayer, so I'm like, repeat after me,
and it's like, creator.
She said, my creator.
I am now willing.
She goes, I can't hear you.
I said, I'm not willing.
She said, I can't hear you.
I'm not willing.
She said, huh?
I said, I am now willing that you should have all of me.
I said, I'm not willing.
At the exact same moment that one of the boys that I taught two years earlier
was standing behind me,
I turned.
I turned around.
I saw him standing there, and he said, sorry, miss.
Crap like that happens to recovery all the time.
You know, how was I ever going to say to the boy, I pray,
and he's like, yeah.
So I start sponsoring women.
I start feeling a little better,
and about two years came for me,
and I wanted to die.
I just wanted to die.
I mean, I was going to AA, going to institutions,
making coffee, sponsoring women.
I was doing the whole damn deal,
working.
I was taking the steps to the best of my ability,
and I wanted to die.
And I went and sat with the therapist I was seeing,
and she said, you know what, if you can't leave this office
and tell me that you're not going to kill yourself,
then you need to go to treatment.
And I looked at her, and I said, you obviously do not know
who the hell you're talking to.
If there was a poster child, I would be it.
And you know, they need minorities.
So I went to the treatment facility,
and I hung my head in the doctor,
and he said, honey,
how long have you been suffering from depression?
And I thought, oh, there's a name.
How do I feel?
I didn't know.
I didn't know.
I said, I don't know.
He said, oh, we can take care of that.
You know what I found out when I was two years sober?
That I was trying to stay sober with some old ideas.
Some old ideas about me, some old ideas about you,
some old ideas about God.
My old ideas and my new way of life were doing this.
And there was no peace.
So I went to treatment every day for 15 days, outpatient.
You know who took me to treatment?
The two women that I was sponsoring.
It was great.
One of them would pick me up at 6 in the morning
and drive me to the treatment facility,
and the other one would go pick me up at 11 at night
and take me back.
Why'd they do that?
Because that's what I taught them how to do.
Right?
That's why they knew what to do when I needed it.
And I tell the women I sponsor,
I'm going to give you the best I have
because I'm going to need it back from you someday.
So I went to treatment for 15 days.
You know what we did?
We took these three little boxes,
these three little lids,
me, you, God,
lids off of them,
and started digging out all the shit that was in there.
The ideas I had about you was that you'd love me
as long as you could get something from me.
The ideas I had about you is that I was only as useful as I was to you.
That you would hurt me given the opportunity.
That if I trusted you, you'd hurt me.
That if I loved you, you'd leave.
The ideas I had about me was that I was worthless, useless,
fat, ugly, meaningless,
I mean, all of that.
The ideas I had about God is that he was after me,
didn't love me,
you know, he was ashamed.
If there was one kid he should have gotten,
you know, not made happen,
it was me, you know.
And I walked around with that information.
So we dug all that crap out of there, you know,
and the stuff stuck to the bottom.
Turned out that didn't belong to me at all.
So I took it back to the Catholic Church and gave it back to them.
So I leave treatment after 15 days with these three brand new cleaned out boxes.
And I said, God, tell me the truth.
I don't even know what the truth is.
And there was a lady standing next to me and she looked over.
She goes, you know what?
She goes, you're really funny.
And I said, thanks, I appreciate it.
And I'm walking down the sidewalk and God said, it's for your box.
I went, oh, I'm funny.
I'm funny.
Woo!
So I put it in my box.
Then somebody else a few days later said, you know what?
You're really stubborn.
God said, that's for your box.
To which I said, whatever.
That's what I've been doing the whole time I've been in Alcoholics Anonymous,
getting out ideas, you know.
So if anything I say makes you really, really mad, don't do that.
I'm going to leave here in a minute, meet somebody in the hall.
They'll share a new view and a new view.
Ah.
And then you'll say, ah, wow, that was good.
That was good.
And beyond to something else, you'll still be mad.
Don't do that.
No, I have helped more people start reading the books than anybody I know.
You know, I would quote stuff from it.
They're like, that's not in there.
Well, something that is in there.
Besides, Lila said there were leprechauns.
Get off my ass.
So people would like start reading the books so that they could come back
and tell me what it actually said.
I loved it.
I said, oh, you're welcome.
I love Alcoholics Anonymous, man.
Absolutely.
It's why I show up to work every day.
It's why I show up for my life.
It's why I show up for my relationships.
You know, it's why I show up for whatever's going on.
So I'm less than 30 days sober.
I turn my will and my life over to God.
And I woke up in a college class studying literature in the early 1800s.
I was in college.
Do not turn your will and your life over unless you've got some time.
So I started going to college.
I don't know.
There's the little book.
It says if you want a degree in this, take that.
So I just did that.
I just started taking the classes.
And I'd show up and see who else paid for me to go to school.
And I don't know who it was.
And it really doesn't matter.
And I went through and I got it all done.
And, you know, there were some things that I knew were missing from my recovery
like that I had missed the time when I was supposed to be a little person
and when all the big people were supposed to be present and accounted for.
That didn't happen.
The time when I was a little person and somebody was supposed to pick me up and say,
Man, I love you.
You have the most beautiful eye I have ever seen.
Of all the little girls God could have given me, I'm so glad I got you.
Somebody should have said that to me.
Didn't happen.
So I'm in college.
I'm working it out, you know.
And it's so cute because there's a bunch of 18-year-old kids.
I'm 24 now.
And they think I'm their age.
And you want to go to the party?
I'm like, I used up my quota.
Thank you.
Yeah, but you're the funnest one of all of us.
I'm like, if you think funnest is the word, keep going to college.
So I'm in school and I get a letter in the mail from the dean.
Oh, hell no.
When you get a letter like from the dean, don't open it, right?
So I stuck it in the drawer where my underwear.
I guess you didn't need to know that.
But like in a drawer.
And I hid it.
And there was no way I was reading it because I thought it's up.
They know.
They know I'm an alcoholic.
They know I don't belong here.
And I'm not reading it.
I didn't get it.
Drove me nuts.
Became insane really, really quickly.
Now, I had opened it and I looked and I thought, no, I can't.
And one day, like at 3 in the morning, I called my sponsor.
You know, because that's when your disease will come get your ass, by the way.
So I called her and I said, I got a letter and I don't know what it is.
And it's from the dean.
And she said, read it to me.
I said, okay.
It says, dear Ms. Hasso, you made the dean's list and we want.
. .
At this point, she starts laughing hysterically.
Now, I'd seen that it said the dean's list and I'd been on a lot of lists and I didn't want to be on no more.
No more.
So I got another letter a couple of years later and it said, Ms. Hasso, if you're actually going to graduate, you're 12 hours away and you need to actually come file a degree plan at some point.
Okay.
So I finished my last semester and I graduated from college with a teaching degree.
You know, and I think that's great.
I think it's great that I can do that and people won't run from the room to go check their kids out of school, you know.
You know, and it's graduation day.
It's graduation day and this is it.
This is the day I've been waiting for and I'm so glad.
And my family was going to go.
There's 6,000 people in the Coliseum in San Angelo, Texas and I've got my cap and gown on and the time has arrived.
I'm so, so excited and I walk in and in this mass of human beings, I look over to my right and I see all my nephews and nieces hold up signs that say, she's a rent!
. . .
They've got streamers and balloons!
I mean, it was a party!
And they called my name and you know, they move you like through cattle, you know, a little cattle run and stuff.
Oh, hell no.
Oh, no.
Somebody had made an announcement that if you open your envelope and there's a note in there to go see the registrar's office that you can pick up your degree at a later time.
I'm thinking, not.
So they called my name.
I stepped up on the stage.
I got my envelope.
I said, hold it.
I'm going to open this baby right here.
I took it out and there's my degree.
Absolutely.
And I looked up in this sea of people and I saw my father.
Now, it had been a long time since I'd looked into my father's eyes.
One of the last times had been one night when he called me into his room and he said, you know what?
I'm so sick of who you are.
I'm so sick of the fact that you make for your mother.
The day your mother dies, I better not see one tear in your eye.
And if you start crying, I swear I'm going to knock out every goddamn tooth in your mouth.
Do you understand me?
I said, yes, sir, I do.
So I look up into this sea of people and I call my mother.
I look up into this sea of people and I caught my father's eye.
And I didn't look away.
And my father from his seat way over there went.
All right.
All right.
So I start teaching.
It's my Friday after school, you know.
I made it a week.
That's like record time for an alcoholic, you know.
I teach great.
Why?
Because they get my jokes.
I would have taught the younger kids, but it was wasted material.
My little kids are so cute.
My children are so cute.
I'll tell you about them in just a minute.
Well, let me tell you now.
Okay, I get it.
We ought not be organized.
Get the hell off my ass.
So my kids, you know, there's this toss test, you know,
which measures your whole worth.
And you can't do that as a person.
And the school district, in order to help, sends massive amounts of material to give them.
And I put it all in the closet and never opened it.
And I taught these kids what was in the books.
I asked them, what do you want to learn about today?
And we went and did that.
And it was absolutely marvelous.
These kids started to feel really good about themselves.
I thought they don't know math or English, so get that.
good you know they took the toss they scored perfect hundreds in reading and a perfect hundred
in math collectively the next day the superintendent's office called and said
congratulations miss hustle we'd like for you to give an in-service to about 800 teachers on how
you mastered the skills of teaching these children to perform perfect hundreds i said i would love to
so i get in front of this auditorium and they said um i said i'd like to start with questions
what do you yes the manipulative board that shows the 18 objectives i wondered how you were able to
formulate the idea behind
the lady was talking i'm thinking in my head have any of your students shot themselves
you
so i get up and stop y'all are cutting into my time i'm talking fast so so i tell them i tell
them i said listen the manipulatives and everything the superintendent sent i really
really appreciate it we will at point use it for notepads because we will recall it's the
responsible thing to do i said i didn't use any of it it's in the closet what i did was that i
showed up emotionally and physically and spiritually for the first time in my life and i
always have heard stories of what watch footage a day and saying go to youtube the best way to
be able to
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they never let me tell you they're in service again
I had a little boy in my class
his name was Thomas and one day he just killed over
I mean he didn't die but he just
he fell
completely out of his chair okay
he like was I didn't know he was
passed out he was being funny it happened
a lot in my room okay
I said Thomas that's so cute get up boy
and they're like
miss
his eyes are
closed
I'm at the board working a problem
I said well kick him and see
so I go
I go
I go by
I go by
back there it turns out he's actually
passed out completely
so I slept a little bit and woke him up
I said hey
you know what do you want I'll do the
homework what what
and he'd actually passed out I call his
parents they call the ambulance took him
to the hospital it was about two in the
afternoon and he's back
I said Thomas why are you here
he said my mom's outside she wants to
talk to you
I said okay so I stepped outside I said
what
I said what's the matter she goes no
he blacked out they're not sure why
but they've done it
I'm the test and we're gonna go get
results tomorrow and I said why is he
here she said miss hustle he wouldn't
let me take him home he said that if he
fainted again that you'd know what to do
I gave those kids everything I needed
when I was 12 everything I needed I
gave them they got it how different
life would have been if at 12 years old
somebody would have come to me and said
you know you are okay you're all of that
I'd like you you're beautiful you mean
the world to me and my whole world would
be different without you so I get down
with my first week of teaching and the
phone rings and it's my little sister
and I thought that is so cool putting
those relationships back together
she's called to congratulate me on my
first week of teaching and I got on the
phone and I said hey mercy I said that
is so cool that you called she said
Brenda I need to I need to tell you that
we just took dad to the hospital we
found out he's got cancer they're doing
surgery on Monday you need to come to
the house and I started to sob
because I was over and I didn't want to
go but I went I went into my parents
home and I went into the back bedroom
and I walked in and there was one bed on
one side of the room and one bed on the
other and my dad was sitting on his bed
and all of a sudden he looked like this
little old man this little old man and
this four-year-old child right she never
met her because that was the first time
she ever met me she said no to to that
and I sat on the bed on the other side of the room
and this question came to me
Brenda
can you do for your dad
what he could never do for you
I said yes
and I got up from the bed
and I sat next to my father
so that my knee touched his knee
and my shoulder touched his shoulder
and I looked over at him and I said
dad I just want you to know
that of all the men
that God could have given me to be my father
I am so glad I got you
you mean
everything
everything to me, and I am not leaving, and my father stood up, and I stood up, and he
put his arms around me, and I put my arms around him, and for the first time in my life,
I exhaled in my father's arms. I finally started to breathe, and I have to tell you, his cancer
went away, and in December of this last year, it came back. We found out two days before
Christmas that his colon cancer.
He had come back in his liver, in his lungs, and in his right limb, and they were going
to start chemo right away, and they started chemo in January, and there were days I'd
go see my father, and he was laying in bed, and he couldn't even move, and then I didn't
know what to pray for. My dad came to me about two weeks ago, and he said, what do you think
about?
What do you think about?
What do you think about?
What do you think about if I stop?
Because I can't do it.
I said, I think that if you want to stop, it's a good idea.
He says, I want to.
I said, okay.
I said, okay.
So I went to the doctor last Wednesday, and he told the doctor,
I can't do it anymore.
I've got to stop.
And the doctor said, that's really good that you want to stop, because we ran your blood
work, and your cancer's gone.
So I went to go see my father before I came here to see you, and I'm walking through the
living room of his house.
And he's got his arm around me, and I've got my arm around him, and he starts to cry.
He said, thanks for your prayers.
Thanks for not leaving.
I love you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sober, for me, has been the ride of my life.
You know?
You know, ever since Mark called, and I plan to blame it on him for the ride.
The rest of my life.
Ever since Mark called to ask me to come speak to you today, everything in my life has fallen
completely apart.
Completely.
I mean, the wheels right the hell off the mother, okay?
I go back today or tomorrow, and my last day at work is Friday.
I lost my job.
It's okay, it sucked.
It was great.
Last October, I was teaching, and God came to me and said, let's finish paying off that
karmic debt from Catholic school.
What do you want to do next?
I said, I don't know.
What do you want me to do?
He said, I got this little job for you, but you won't be able to stay there very long,
and it'll be really painful and hard, but I need you to go.
And I said, well, then I'll go.
So I took a job with Head Start.
And the reason I took a job with Head Start is because I have a God who says, you know
what?
Your classroom of 30 people needs to be expanded to 728.
And I became the education manager for Head Start, which means I oversee 18 staff, 120
teachers.
Oh, yeah.
Now they run from the room screaming.
And I've long believed that if you take care of the people who take care about, everything's
taken care of, right?
So I went into this program and started taking care of the people who take care of everything.
So I went into this program and started taking care of the people who take care of everything.
So I went into this program and started taking care of everything.
And they said, you know what?
You're taking care of these teachers.
I'm like, what do you want?
You know?
And they're like, are you for real?
I said, yeah, if you could have four things.
We have 18 centers in 11 counties.
I went to see every director.
I said, if you could have four things, what would it be?
They wrote me down the four things they wanted.
I went back to the company who hired me.
I said, I'll take the job if you give me these things.
I got every single one of them.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So I'm out leading the parade.
Right?
You know me, I'm like, come on.
Everyth- Now the reason that they had shut Headstart down was because there was a bunch
of crooks running it and they took a million dollars and everybody was really pissed.
Right?
So they brought this interim company, and God, some of you probably worked for him,
whatever.
They brought this interim company in to take over Headstart for a little while.
And so then they hired people like me, and I went in and I said, listen guys, I know
you've been through a hard time, it's no viable thing.
No viable thing.
thing let's go we got to work the kids are here let's go so we get everything straightened out
we put a structure in place we put the systems in place it's rocking right along everybody's
happy to be there they come to me three or four weeks ago and say listen we appreciate it bye bye
they're so cute they think i'm gonna work there as long as they say i'm gonna there i'm gonna
work there until god says this is your last day you know and so um that's what god meant when he
said you won't be there very long and people are like what are you gonna do next i'm like i'm on a
need-to-know basis i obviously don't need to know before friday you know so i've lost my job um
i've had to move out of the place where i was living i've had a partner for eight eight and a
half years um and we may have actually come to the end of the road and it's the first time i figured
out how to do the end of the road while i'm still in love i get to do that sober
you
i didn't know how to do that when i got here
as a matter of i may be packed um
and i didn't have to rush home to go see
i stayed to speak this morning what the hell is that about she's a good packer
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry no
i'm sorry i didn't mean that
shut up
you know i don't know what the hell time it is but i'm going to share something out of the book and
then i'm going to go home i'll miss you by the way i didn't know how to tell you that before i got
here i didn't know how to tell you that i was going to miss you you know that i showed up here
a few years ago five years ago or so you know and i and i didn't know any of you and i stood up in
a workshop i said you know what i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
I'm sick and tired of you people knowing each other and no one hugs me.
I said, that won't do.
I need a hug.
And then people I didn't know started hugging me.
And that's how I started to become friends with some of them.
You know, and I love that.
And all every year before the roundup, can I make coffee?
Can I?
Every year, every year.
I even volunteer people who come with me who don't know they're being volunteered.
I've said over and over, if there's anything we can do from San Angelo,
there's many people as we go, you know.
And I said to Kimberly the other day, I said, Kimberly,
she said, how is it that you wound up speaking?
I said, I don't know.
I said, I volunteered to make coffee.
She said, God, what must your coffee be like?
I said, I don't know, but I don't think they've heard about the ashtrays.
I love the books.
I love the information in the books.
I love the map.
I love the fact that they're numbered.
I love the fact that all I have to do is work and not make them up.
That's already done and I just get to follow.
That I see better with my eyes closed.
That I know more when I don't talk.
That I love you because I love you.
And all I need back from you is nothing.
I have relationships with you that don't look like this anymore.
They look like this.
Huh?
Why?
Because God has changed my life.
One story at a time.
One moment at a time.
One memory at a time.
One feeling at a time.
And I'm just here to tell you that if you need permission to go pick up
whatever tool you need to pick up, I'm going to give it to you.
If you find God, you're going to find God.
If you find God, you're going to find God.
If you find God in the forest, go there.
If you find God in the water, go there.
If you find God in the quiet, go there.
It says in the final analysis, it is within us that he is found.
Service, gladly rendered.
Obligations, squarely rendered.
Troubles, well accepted.
Or solved with God's help.
The knowledge that at home,
and in the world outside,
we are partners in a common effort.
The understood fact that in God's sight,
all human beings are important.
The proof that love, freely given,
surely brings a full return.
The certainty that we no longer need to be isolated
and alone in self-constructed prisons.
The surety that we need no longer be alone in self-constructed prisons.
The square pegs trying to fit into round holes
that we belong and fit into God's scheme of things.
These are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions of right living
for which there is no amount of pomp and circumstance,
no heap of material possessions
that could possibly substitute.
True ambition is not what we thought it to be.
True ambition is a deep desire
to live usefully
and to walk humbly
under the grace of God.
I love you. I'll miss you.
God bless you. That's it.
Thank you.