Obsession Lies Dormant — the Physical Allergy Waits for the First Drink – Marianne G.

Hey everybody, I'm Joanne, and I'm an alcoholic. Let's have a meeting. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers meeting on NapaZoom, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our own personal stories describes their own language and their own point of view, the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our NapaZoom room tonight and listening later on abluchipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear tonight's speaker. And I believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them, too. I must have this thing. The person introducing our speaker tonight is Patty. Hey, guys. I'm Patty. I'm an alcoholic. And, gosh, great. Crowd, we've got going tonight. Marianne is going to tell her story tonight, our very own Marianne. And I'm really excited. She has about 13 months or 14 months, I think, now. And she has worked this program fearlessly. And she's not afraid to be vulnerable and open and cry and then get back up and do the next right thing. So I'm excited to hear her story. And with that, I give you Marianne. Woo-hoo! Hey, is it too late now to back out? I'm so nervous. I love you guys. Patty, thank you. I'm nervous because I know I'm just going to probably cry through the whole thing, so you'll just have to bear with me. Hi, Marianne. Hi, Roseanne. Hi, Marianne. Hi. Hi, Marianne. Oh, hi, Lauren. It's just us. Don't worry. Yeah, hi, Marianne. It's all of us. I'm in my evening loungewear. Yeah. Oh, man. You guys, every single one of you. And thank you, Julie. And thanks, Tim, really. And thanks to Adam and Jenny and John. God bless you, Adam and John. You guys have done a friggin' such a good job. I'm so proud of you. You just keep doing it. You just keep doing what you're doing. And you just keep coming back. And Jenny, you know what I think of you. We're the pandemic sisters, so. Each one of you hold a special place. I seriously, and I know it just sounds like a bunch of... stuff, but it's so true. Each one of you, if I had to write something down, I could write something down with each... something that each one of you has said that has impacted my sobriety. So, anyway, so I'm going to just be a snot-nosed crier, and it doesn't matter, because you guys love and trust me. And I trust you. You love me, and I trust you, and I love you. So, I'm Marianne, and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm such a grateful, grateful alcoholic. And this is what I've done all day. So, thank you, God. I just have to thank... My higher power is God, and I have to thank Him first and foremost. And then I have to thank... I have to thank AA. I have to thank Bill, W, and Bob. I have to thank them, because none of us would be here. And I have to thank all of you in the rooms of AA, every room I've walked in. Of course, that includes my beautiful sponsor. And then, of course, my family. I have to thank my family. They've been behind me every step of the way. I've been very fortunate. My sobriety date is March 24th, 2020. I walked into the rooms November 19th of 2019, and then I had a relapse in March 23rd. And I like to say it was a five-hour relapse, because I counted. And then I got right back up, and thank God, because of you all, and came back and then made it here on March 24th. So, I don't even know where my notes are. This is so silly. Okay, so anyway, I am one of eight kids. And I was born in Barstow, California. And we moved around a lot. My mom and dad, my dad worked for the Santa Fe Railroad. And he started in the yards and then worked up to assistant chief of the mechanical department in Chicago. So, every time, you know, we... He got promoted. We had to move. So, and then my mom, she's still with us today. Thank God she's 90. There were six girls, two boys. And all the men are gone, unfortunately. My dad passed in 2003. He was 76. He drank all his life, but I can't say he was an alcoholic. But he did drink all of his life. He died with pneumonia. Complications of emphysema. And then my brother, who was 24. 33 years ago, I think in July, it'll be that John took his life at age 24. And then Paul, my dear Paul. And he died three years ago at age 56 in a nursing home. It just happened. Just at the neglect of, you know, at the hands of caretakers. Those are three very important people in my life that I lost. But anyway, so the still magnolias are left, the six girls. This is what my sister loves to say. You know, some of us are close. Some of us are not. We're just a... I want to say the word I want to say because I love that word. We're just a messed up family. Anyway, so I don't know where I am now. So anyway, we've moved a lot. And I think with each move, it was pretty big for me because even though I was an extrovert, and when I was little, I knew that I was, well, I didn't know I was an introvert, but I loved my little silence and my little solitude. And then as time went on, of course, that, that part would be filled with fear of abandonment and tremendous fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, you know, sadness, depression, the need to be loved, the need to be liked, the need to always be accepted by somebody. But anyway, so these moves were okay, but then... They, you know, it was hard because I had to detach. When I said my goodbyes, I was really attached to people, places, and things. And so with each move, it was kind of, you know, it was hard, but I always bounced back and made it through. And I think Clovis, New Mexico was the, when we lived there five years, those were probably the best years of my life. And, but that was when I, you know, I remember sitting on my dad's lap and having my first taste of beer. I mean, I can remember that as if it was yesterday, and I can remember the, you know, the bitterness and going like this, but I loved it because it quenched my thirst. I'd been outside running around. The thing that I need to say about Paul real quickly before I forget... get, is Paul was born with brain damage, and he was considered legally blind and legally deaf, and I loved him so much. I was so close to him, and he lived with us the entire time until the end of his life. He finally went into a nursing home for, well, the last, actually, 15 years of his life, he lived in a nursing home. But he was extremely volatile as we grew up. He became very mentally and not only physically challenging, but he became more mentally challenging for my folks. And we were the subject of a lot of violence and a lot of fits, a lot of police calling to the house to restrain him. So I think I started to develop a little of PTSD, which I didn't know what that was then. So here I go. You know, I've got a little PTSD, a little depression, this serotonin deficiency coming, and anxiety. So all of that, and then growing up, I think when I was born, I was just born extremely sensitive and deep, deep, feeling things very deeply. And. Not knowing really, you know, and kind of like I could see things, you know, that sometimes as I knew what was going to happen to somebody. But I didn't know what all, you know, that meant. I just meant that I felt deeply. And then just this past year, so ironic, this pandemic, I found out, oh, it's called an empath. That's what I am. I'm an empath. But, but I never, I really never knew that. So I was kind of pegged very early on as the real sensitive one, the over emotion. You know, I was a pain in everybody's ass because I was always the mother hen running around and telling everybody what to do in my family. And, you know, gosh, I was taking inventory at a very early age, running to my mom and going, guess what? She did this and she did that. So, but my, my attachment was really to my mom. I had a deep, deep attachment and the fear of abandonment was, was set very early on. So anyway, fast forward with all of that, that's, that's kind of who I was, you know, growing up. And so then facing these moves, you know, it was tough. I mean, you know, I think each move got tough. So with each move became more just, just the experiencing of alcohol and, and, and cigarette smoking. And so I know when we moved from Clovis to LA, that was a huge, it was like a shock. It was a shock to the system. I was like, what the hell is this? This is, you know, small town. Everybody knows your name and you go to a place and no one cares if they, if they know your name. And, but I, I, I, I settled in and I started to, you know, really love, we moved to Riverside. I really loved the beaches and all that kind of stuff. But I remember then just, you know, what was I, I don't know, I don't even know how old I was, maybe 13 at the time. And I remember drinking, starting to drink. Uh, you know, take bourbon out of my dad's, um, cabinets and, and that's when I started to experience with smoking pretty, pretty heavily. Um, I would say those good old Terratin, Camel, you know, non-filter. Oh my God. And, um, and then when we moved from LA, just when I was getting, you know, used to that, we moved again to, um, from LA to, um, Kansas City, Kansas, another small town. Um, so here we are now, we've gone from a big, you know, um, you know, a place that I was settled into, a small town and the shock of it all, but I got used to it, was there for two years, but boy, I tell you, my drinking really picked up there. I was 14, um, I think at that time and did a lot of, you know, partying and drinking and throwing up and all that stuff and, um, horrible. And then, um, I was two years in Kansas City. And then. Um, we moved to, um, Naperville, Illinois. So that was small town, big city again. And, and it was another traumatic move. And now it's really bad because I'm 16 and, you know, I've been taken out of school, just started my 10th grade sophomore and, um, and, and was yanked out of that and then, um, started in Naperville. They were way high above us academically. The whole, the whole. The whole thing. And so my grades started to slip and I, this is when I really started thinking, where do I belong? I don't belong anywhere. I just, I don't belong anywhere. Well, I had that back in Kansas City too. Just, just the whole thing that, that a lot of us have. Just the self-loathing, you know, not knowing where I fit in. Um, not good enough. Uh, didn't like myself. Um, did I want to be a jock? Not really. Did I want to be a freak? No. So I landed in the middle and then it was like, what, where, where am I? I don't know. Um, but I'm going to drink. So I did a lot of that. And, um, you know, my dad had to pick me up one time from a party and just, you know, would vomit it all over the porch and yanked me up by my hair and God bless him. But anyway. Um, so, um, anyway. So then the significance of my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, uh, March 24th, 2021, sobriety. It's pretty amazing because when I was, uh, the summer of my junior year, I, um, I just didn't like myself. I was so miserable. And I, and, and, and I was battling with depression but didn't know it. And I met this guy in a grocery store and I didn't even like him, but I went out with them. I mean, this was a big thing that I had, just, you know, no, I could never say no. I was always, I was just going to lay down and let you do anything you wanted. Oh, just say or do or whatever, and I'll take it because like me, like me. And then I just didn't know how to say no. So I dated this guy for a year, and I wound up pregnant. And that's a big no-no for back in the day. My folks were converts. I don't know if I said that, Baptist to Catholic. And they were good. They were good parents. They really were. But they did what they thought they were supposed to do, but it was very damaging, and that was to send me away. And they sent me to the Salvation Army, downtown Chicago. And two weeks later, I called crying. I said, I can't take it here. My mom called my sister Cindy, who's the oldest, and said, can Marianne come live? Yes, she can. So I go out, and I live with Cindy. And I have my baby. And I have my baby there. And I gave her up. I went out with Cindy, like, in September, gave birth March 24th, and that's the significance of my sobriety date because she turned 44 this year on my sobriety date. So that's really something. It's March 24th of 1977, so a date I will never forget, ever. And so when I went, I went to Gallup, New Mexico. I had her there, and then the adoption took place in Santa Fe, and it was the closed adoption, so I just got to see her when she was presented to me after birth. She had beautiful strawberry blonde hair. Well, I snuck down to the nursery. I wasn't supposed to know that, but she had beautiful strawberry blonde hair, itty-bitty little thing, just darling. And I named her Teresa, and that was that. I never saw her again. I got to choose her family, thank God, on paper. That was closed adoption back then. And so that, then I came back in April to Naperville, and it was like, oh, now I have to be this person. I've lost my weight, and here I am. And, you know, and nothing's wrong with me because my parents told me that I had to stay to my, that I was taking care of my grandma in Florida. She needed help. So I was supposed to, you know, tell everybody that. And so, meanwhile, I'm in really Gallup, New Mexico, finishing my senior year of high school. And that colored my world. It was so devastating. Not giving her up. I knew I was giving her life. I mean, yes, yes. Devastating in giving her up, yes. But the blame, the shame, the tremendous shame, came from my mom and dad sending me away. And once again, I'm not blaming them. That's what you did. But the shame and the disgust and the guilt of what I was now. And so that just spiraled me out of control. So that's when I, you know, I came back. I got a job in Chicago for a few months. And then I went, you know, came back to the suburbs because I was going to go to college. Those were two wonderful years. I got my associate's in applied science because of Paul. I really wanted to go into the theater, but I went because of Paul. And I worked with the disabled, the mentally and physically challenged, for several years. But before I met this guy, I had this big time where I just went to the bars, disco, never dressed like the disco, but, babe, I was out there doing all the dances and just throwing it back, and it was just a mess. It was a mess. That's when I just, you know, would drive drunk, and we'd go up, down ramps in Chicago. And, you know, ha-ha, that's real funny. And then, so then I finished my degree, and then I met this guy. And guess what? Met him in a bar, and he was an alcoholic. And he said, you know, I'm going to go to the bar. And he said, you know, I'm going to go to the bar. And he said, you know, I'm going to go to the bar. And he was all bandaged up from getting in a horrible car crash. And, you know, I'm going, oh, poor thing. Yeah, here's my number. So he comes to pick me up, and he doesn't even know my name at all. No. So anyway, yeah. So I'm like, okay. And he walks around me like, okay, is this her? And I'm just like, yeah, okay, okay, we'll go for it. Dated the guy for two years. Okay, that's thick. Okay. So anyway, so the only way to get away from him was to just to fly to another state. And that's what I did. I got on a plane and went to Kansas City, Kansas to stay with my sister. And by then, I was really, really bad off. And I had gone there to take my life. And no one knew. I had all these pills with me. And I was going to. I was going to take my life. But I didn't think I got a job. I got back on my feet. My sister was so kind. Well, kind of. And then I dated this. I started to date again. And I dated this guy who I just fell in love with. He was Larry, the stage sound guy from Johnny Cash. And he broke my heart. Three months later, he broke up, whatever. So I was not going to be dating anymore. That was, you know, not for me. And so the partying just was started up again. And, you know, I was going out every night getting drunk and, you know, sick and getting drunk and sick and all that. And then one day, you know, this guy comes in this bank and it's Mark. And he writes me this note. Do you want to go out with me? And, of course, I said no. I lied. Of course. I lied. I lied. I lied with everything because I wanted to be loved and liked. And if I didn't feel like I belonged, then I couldn't just be honest. I mean, I couldn't assert myself. I was so unhealthy. I could not assert myself to say, no, I don't want to date you right now. Or I just need a few months or get back with me on that. Or I couldn't do any of that. So, but I'm so glad I said yes later down the road with Mark because he truly was, it was a match made in heaven. We were two peas in a pod. No. But really, we just had, we have a great relationship. He's been with me throughout all this. It's been, you know, 37 years, 38 in June that we've actually met. It's been a rough, rough road. It's been work. It's been a lot of work. And, um. But we are at a point in our life that now we're able to, you know, I guess really enjoy. Not that we didn't enjoy each other's company before, but, you know, everybody knows what I mean that has long marriages. But anyway, it's just a lot of work. So anyway, flash forward. I don't even know what the time is. God, is it 10 o'clock already? Anyway, so after that, I, after, oh, Mark and I met in Kansas City. Then we moved here to Atlanta. And I moved, you know, we had my son in Atlanta. We moved here when he was 10 months old. And it was mainly to get the hell out of, away from my family. So, because Mark and I, you know, got married, met and married in Kansas. And then we moved back to Oak Park because he had some illustration stuff he had to do. And then we came here. So anyway, after that, then I had the two, I had my two children in 85, I mean, 86 and 88. And those were years that I really did not drink. Probably the dry alcoholic was ripe, was just ripe and ready to scream. And do. I threw temper tantrums and hit you and throw phones because that's what I did my whole life when I was little. I just threw temper tantrums. If I didn't get my way, that continued into our marriage. I was just sick. I was a sick person. And a very wounded person. And anyway, so that's what Mark dealt with, poor thing. But anyway, so we raised our children. And I think that's probably one of the, probably the best things I've ever done. Well, in the middle of all of this, and I hope they feel that way. I think they do. But after they left and they, you know, once again, I say I am because I am and I still have to work on it. I am so attached to people, places, and things, you guys. I just, I have to learn that detachment every single day. I have to get up and give it to God because it's so hard. And so with each move and each. change that came with my work and during those times when the kids were growing up or they were leaving, I would just go more and more into a depression and drink more. And finally, Mark said, you know, this is, when John died in 89, we just moved into this house. And, you know, it rocked our world. And he's, in 96, he said, look, you've got to go get on something. And so I did. And thank God. Because that saved my life. The serotonin, the antidepressant saved my life. So anyway, I did that. And then, and so then worked and, you know, went into the medical field and loved it and worked. And then I worked at this one school for about six years. I loved that job. But then a friend of mine came and she said, hey, you know, I can give you, you know, $42,000 a year. And I thought, oh, my God, I'll take it. And she said, I want to do it. I want you to come and do a startup with me, a Medicare startup. And, boy, that was something I was never, I didn't even know what that was. I kept telling the principal at the school I worked with, you know, I'm going to a startup. I'm going to a Medicare startup. I remember the look on his face. It was like, okay. So anyway, I get there. And it's two years of just this fast-paced stuff. You could never get off the train. It was like this high. You know, and I'm attached to that, right? The drama, the speed of things. Oh, my God, that's why I love the medical field. Oh, my God, I'm with somebody and they're dying. But seriously, I mean, all of that, it just, that's what fed me. And I was good at my job. But this one was different. And so here comes the wine. And I'm, like, setting all this stuff up for her because I'm her assistant to the VP of this. It's a new startup. And I've got all this wine and I can just do whatever I want. And I'm just, you know, throwing it back, you know, all the time. So I did that. And then fast forward, I lost, well, the job was just so, anyway, the boss quit and I went on to something else. And then I went from job to job to job because it was right in the middle of the crash. And so I was out there looking for jobs and I couldn't find any. So I had two. I had three months here, three months there, five months here. It was a roller coaster. All the while, the drinking was picking up. And that was when I'd go to Total Wine. It became like going to Dillard's. I would just, like, oh, my God, the wine. And I'd get out my notes. And, you know, Mark would go, what the hell is taking you so long? Wait a minute, you know, the beer. Wait a second. You know, I'd show up to all the tastings, you know, all that stuff, you know, on the weekends. Come on, let's just stop in here for a little nip, you know. He'd be out there looking at stuff. That mouse, poor thing. Anyway, so here I am doing all that. And then I can't even remember. Anyway, so then in 2018, oh, wait, in 2003, we had a very bad thing in our marriage, a financial stressor that was very bad. And I did something that was not good. I was a very unhealthy attachment to this monk. That was. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. And it was terrible. It was a spiritual connection. You know, I had this, because I was, like, seeking God at that point and really, really wanted to better myself. And even though I was still a Catholic and I had trouble with the Catholic Church and all that jazz, I wanted to be, I wanted something else. I wanted, I had heard about this contemplative prayer, and I wanted to do that. So I went out to the, you know, the Holy Spirit out. And I met this monk. He was just the best. Really, a good connection. But then it became a very unhealthy, emotional connection that you could say it was an emotional affair, really. And so it devastated Mark. It almost broke our marriage. It was devastating. We made it up out of that. But there was a lot of drinking during that time with this guy. So anyway, fast forward to that. And then. And then. And. And then in 2018, you know, I think all of you know, 2017, Mark's brother took his life in April. And then I had in 2000, that was 2017, 2018 then, my uncle died. My mother-in-law died. And Paul died. And it was right in a row. It was, you know. And so that was a horrific time because I, that was when, well, I have to backtrack again. In 2004 and 5, we moved to Denver for Mark's job. And some of it worked out, some of it didn't. But it was a hell of a year. And that's when Mark said he saw that I was starting to have it in the house constantly. The beer, the wine, the beer. But it was constant. And so when we got back here that year after, he went to work. He's an illustrator, but he was doing security part-time. And that's when I started to really isolate and drink, you know, after 5. So I was a 9 to 5 girl, you know, whatever, trying to do her thing. And then I would just drink totally when I got home. And that was that. And a lot of people knew. Well, I think not a lot of people knew, but I'm sure the ones that I called, you know, every now and then, they knew that because they could tell I was slurring and all that. So, but anyway, so then all those deaths came and then I was laid off. And that all happened in March, April, March, and August of 2017 and 2018. And so the way I dealt with all of that was just drink, drink, drink, you know, drink. And now I'm getting. Okay, because now I'm chasing, you know, whiskey, chasing. I was drinking whiskey, chasing it with my beer. I was starting to hide bottles. The wine, you know, it was a mess. It was just, yeah, it was a mess. And then the last job that I had when they laid me off, and they laid me off because they got rid of the whole reception area. But who knows? Maybe because they smelled booze on me. I don't know. Maybe that was one of their excuses. I don't know. But anyway, so they, that was it. So I forget what I was saying. But anyway, so that, it just was bad. Oh, I came into work with this big, huge thing on my chin because I had fell out of bed. And, of course, I blamed it, you know, all on my, you know, getting my feet caught up in the covers. And I remember everybody that at work. And I kind of remember believing. And I remember believing that myself. But throughout these last five or, I don't know, throughout these last eight years or whatever, there were moments in my life where I had, you know, I am an alcoholic, Marianne. I remember distinctly when I worked for that lady at the Medicare startup looking in the mirror and saying, you're an alcoholic, but you can go ahead and just, you still have time to drink. So I had that. And then there was a couple more times. And as I, as I, when Mark's mother died, I remember walking around Macon Hospital. And I remember telling his brother, who's got like 27 years or whatever. No, he doesn't have 27. He has 17 years. And I said, Paul, do you think I'm an alcoholic? And he goes, well, you know what they say. He said, if, you know, if you think you are, you are. He goes, I can't tell you are. Well, I didn't know what any of that meant. But so I just, you know, kind of filed that back. In my head. And then, and then, so then fast forward in the summer, after all the death, and I was drinking, drinking, drinking, I, I thought I had, I, it was August of 2019. And I went to Florida to stay with my sister for a little bit. She was visiting from Chicago there. And, and I had my, I had my second. I had my first blackout when I was 19, but I had, this was my second one. And it was frightening. It was frightening. I remember getting up in St. Claudia. I don't, I, I just, I think I'm an alcoholic. I need help. I don't know what I'm going to do. And she said, oh, Marianne, you know, I'm, you know, I love you. I'll be with you and all that. And then when I got back, I had, I had my brother-in-law come. He came to visit. I think you all, some of you met him. And I said, Chris, I need to go to a meeting. I need to go to a meeting, but I don't want you telling anybody. And, you know, just none of the dyers, you know, I don't, you know, he said, no, absolutely not. So we went to this, this meeting in Buckhead. And, you know, we left. It was hot as hell. And we left. And I remember thinking, I'm not going back. I'm certainly not going to tell Chris, but I'm not going back. And I don't, I wasn't ready, obviously. But he was, God bless him. He got back to New York. He would text me every single day. You know, how you doing? Blah, blah, blah. All these little, you know, things. And I go, yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. In other words, you know, get the hell off my back. And, and then I went to a meeting. Mark said, there was something, I can't remember it. But anyway, Mark said, Marianne, he sat me down one day and he said, your eyes look crazy. And your face is puffy. You're an alcoholic. I love you. I'm never going to leave. I've got your back. But you've got to go. You've got to go to a meeting. And I said, okay, I'll go. So I took, we took all the, the rest of the beer. We went over to the next door. He shared it with them because they were beer drinkers. Isn't that terrible? So, but I don't know what I was thinking of. But anyway, we did that. And then, and then Mark said, and I said, then go with me. He said, of course. So we go to Napa for the first time. And, um, it was unbelievable. I walked into the rooms and I just, I, I, I, this was in, in, um, in, um, in August, late August. It must've been late August. Um, and the people were just so wonderful. And, um, this beautiful woman, a lot of, you know, her brought me the blue book and said, you know, all these people came up to me after the meeting and just their numbers. And it was overwhelming. And, uh, so this beautiful woman. This beautiful woman came up to me and she said, you know, do you, do you think you're an alcoholic? I said, I don't know. And I'm just bawling. And then she walks me over to the cabinet and gives me the blue book. And, um, I, I was so moved by that. Then this other lady walked up to me and she said, you know, here's, here's my number. You know, I want to sponsor, sponsor you. She was younger. I said, oh, great. Couldn't say no, of course. And so I get home and I'm going, oh yes, I'll, I'll be your, I'll be your sponsee. I'm going to be your, I'll be your sponsee. And, um, so I was there at Sandy Springs, the 81-11 and came back and I just thought, no, I can't do this. I don't want to do this. I'm not ready. Um, I, I'm going to do this on my own. So I got out all the new emails to the people that, you know, Chris, I'm doing this on my own. I've got the counselor. I'm going to go get, change my medication. And, you know, and then I, I called that or texted that girl. I said the same thing. I texted a lot of people that I had met that day. And, um, and then. Then we, I, September we went to New Mexico, New Mexico to see my son and, um, drank the whole time. It was horrible. I'd come back at the, you know, at night at the, at the bed and breakfast, whatever that place we stayed in. And I just, it was awful. It was so depressed. It was so awful. And, um, came back and then, um, and I, that must've been when, no, okay. Anyway, it doesn't matter. So anyway, November 19th then is when I walked into the, I walked back into the room. And, um, and I said, this is it, but I didn't get a sponsor right away because I was so overwhelmed from the last time. And I know this sounds like excuses, but that's how I felt. And, and, and then I, I wasn't ready. I want, I wanted to, but I just wasn't ready. So I hear this beautiful woman's voice. I can never, I'll never forget it at the 1130. And, uh, on a Saturday and somebody says, Hey, uh, Patty, what do you got for us? And, uh, she goes, well, I'm just, my name's Patty and I'm just another alcoholic. Just, you know, something like that effect. Like, you know, I'm just another bozo on the bus. And I, that resonated with me and must've stuck back in my, in my subconscious because I said, wow, I really like her. And I said something about being a functional alcoholic. And she turned to me and she said, yeah, she did this. And I thought, okay, she understands me because I didn't have the DUIs. I didn't have the rehabs. I didn't have the horrible stories, the painful stories that I had heard. And, um, so I, you know, and that was part of my relapse because, um, anyway, so I, I left that meeting and it was wonderful. And then, you know, Patty and I started doing our stuff in late December, beginning of January. And then I relapsed in March. And, you know, I was taking my – you've all heard this. I was taking my daughter to the airport. The pandemic hit. Trying to get her back on. And then after she – I got her on. I said, oh, dear God, you know, I'm so glad she's gone, the anxiety. And if she's here, I love you, Anna. But she's not. So she couldn't make it. That's good. But anyway, so I go to the doctor because I was not feeling good. And he gives me this stuff for albuterol for my cats and blah, blah, blah. And I got back up in the car and I said, I'm going to go get a bottle of wine. And it was twofold. Number one, I wanted it. Number two, I swear, I wanted to see if I could do this relapse thing. Because why shouldn't I? Because. Because I'm not – everybody else has done this horrible relapse thing. So I should do it, too. I should have this, too. That's screwy thinking. So I did. I relapsed for that five hours. And then called Patty immediately and went to bed and rested and then got up and did the 545. Went right back to the 545. She goes, you've got to pick up a white chip. I said, hell to the no, no. But I did. I did. I went. Picked it up. And humiliating. It was humiliating. But it was the best, best thing I ever did. And then, you know, we started from there. And so it's just – it has been – it's been – it's been – I cannot tell you, really, because I think I've already shared this in many meetings, that I've had two train points in my life, one in the very beginning. The pink cloud thingy, you know, for those first – almost for the – probably like the two or three months. And then by the fourth month, I was starting to think of, oh, what would it be like? And then I would go, oh, no. And then I'd go to the studio where I would used to clean for my theater. And then I'd go, oh, there's the wine. Oh, no. And so I was already planting this stuff in my head. And so, you know, I think by the time that I really – by the time that Anna got – here I probably it was probably already in me you know um but anyway so just I have to I cannot um thank you guys enough because the program I'm going to steal this from from Mike because it's it's true for me that the the steps that I love the most are 1 3 6 7 and 10 and 12 and um it's the program we have a disease you guys we all know this it's a disease it's an allergy and the obsession um somebody on here we're going to hear him speak soon is so eloquent so eloquent about talking about the obsession well all of you guys have have have done this at one time or another for me but today I heard it fresh again from this man and um he talks about the obsession and he talks about how the obsession can be can be squashed you know um once we get hold of surrendering the drink surrendering to God surrendering and a lot what is the higher higher power whoever that is whatever that is and we have that little bit of willingness and he's able to get in there then the obsession can be it can lie dormant I think is what he said obsession okay right here it's the dream it is to drink enjoy and get away with it and what we have in common is the is the obsession it can be arrested when you come to AA and when you go back out it comes back full force it's an incurable physical problem and that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that's the thing that was that came from one of the gentlemen who I love and adore who's here tonight and it came from another guy who shared this today and the same the same topic and um this gentleman too said I wish I could drink because I loved how it made me feel and I loved the taste but I know I can't and that's me you know I'm not I can't you know I I can't I have to be honest with you honest, that yes, God, what would it be like to have that delicious taste of red wine? Maybe I'll get there where I won't even, I'll go yuck, gross. But the more important part also, I think, is for me to realize that I continually realize that I have an allergy. It'll never go away. It's laying dormant, and it's waiting. It's waiting to take me. If I pick up that first drink, I'll be right back where I was and then some, because of the progressiveness of it. And I know I did not articulate that well at all, so I'll let you guys fill in the blanks. But, and then the last thing, I'll just close with this one quote, if I could find it, and I probably can't, so that's okay. Oh, well, I'm just going to quote this from Tinsley, because I know he won't mind that I do, because a lot of us have said this too, page 61, chapter 25. It's easier for us to stay sober than it is to get sober. I have a spiritual melody that wants to kill me, and that's Tim R. Anyway, you guys, is that... Is it midnight yet? Okay, I'm done. Bye, Mary Ann. Thank you, Mary Ann. Did it. Go to bed. Thank you, Mary Ann. Way to go, Mary Ann. You're fantastic. You're so welcome. That was fabulous. Thank you, Mary Ann. You're welcome, everybody. I'm so glad everybody. I'm so glad you guys all came, really. I couldn't do it without you. I need you every single day. I need these meetings. Meeting makers make it. Thank you, Ann Doris. You always tell me that. I have to stay in the moment, in the present, and I have to work the steps every day. I have to meditate and pray, and I have to continually give it to God over and over and over every single day. So, with that. You guys can go home and go to bed. Thank you, Mary Ann. I just loved that. And, you know, I just love knowing you better. Thank you. And I will tell you that the part of you that you apologize the most for, your empath part, is the part that I love so much and I've learned so much. Because I'm like the opposite of that. And that's what makes the world go round. Yeah. You know? Everybody can't be an empath. You know? It'd be chaos. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody can be whatever the opposite of that is, a Julie. Yeah. Definitely be chaos, right? So, you know, just a beautiful trait that you have that I learn a lot from on an everyday basis. Thank you so much, Julie. Thank you.