Not Unable — Unwilling to Be Honest with a Single Person Alive for a Decade – Anne E.

Let's have an AA meeting. My name is Lisa, and I'm an alcoholic. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NABBA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal story describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aablechipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I'm one of them, too. I must have this thing. Many years ago, I met this pretty lady, and so recently I've seen her more at different meetings, and I asked her to share her experience, strengths, and health news, so I give you Anne. Hey, I'm Anne. I'm an alcoholic. Well, again, my name is Anne. I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is September 7, 2013. My home group is Finding the Balance in Sandy Springs. I have a sponsor, and I sponsor women, and I've utilized that sponsor and actively sponsored women throughout my sobriety, so I've always been talking. I've got to start with that. So, this meeting's big. I haven't been to this clubhouse in a number of years, and actually, we'll kind of get to that, because I, yeah, I just kind of, it's good to be here. I was faked sober, drunk, like, secretly drinking and doing other things and coming to meetings in this clubhouse and Triangle when I lived closer to Atlanta for ten full years, so I have, like, a weird attachment to this place. Anyway, so, story. Story. You know, I've had to do this a few times throughout my sobriety, and, you know, I, you know, I just like to start at the beginning. Like, I, growing up, I actually have a lot, a lot of memory loss. I don't know why that is. You know, I've been the therapist over the years, you know, back when I was, like, drinking and trying to fix my daddy issues to get sober, which didn't work. But, you know, I have a lot, a lot of memory loss. My first working memories were more when I was, like, in middle school, like around 12 or 13. I have, like, flashes of my childhood. A lot of times were, like, with my mom or, like, in school. And I do, you know, my mom's here tonight, which I'm so happy she is. But, you know, I, I, overall, I have a good upbringing. I remember, I have a lot, the memories I do have are, like, doing things with my mom. Like, she took me to the symphony and, like, art shows, and there was, you know, some real positive times. You know, but there was also, there was also dynamics in our, in our household that were very challenging. You know, I, um, uh, I have a father who, who is Turkish. Like, he's fully Turkish. And, um, you know, kind of in that culture, um, you know, there are extremely, that kind of, the ideals that you hear of the Middle Eastern Muslim culture are very kind of true in the home, where the man wears the pants. In the family household, um, my father was very much, like, a perfectionist, overachiever, very successful in his business career. Um, but at the same time, like, you know, when it came to him being a father, he was very cold, distant. Um, never really there. It was my mom who was there. You know, my, um, you know, like, it, I felt very much growing up, like, if I, you know, that, you know, my, one of my sponsors said to me early in sobriety that, like, I felt like my love for me was, like, based on a grade. And it was all about, like, making good grades, achieving things in life, and that's how you earn love. Um, that was, I don't know, I'm saying that to say, like, um, and then also, too, like, I, I would, I grew up right in this area. I grew up in the Tocco Hills area. Um, and I, I grew up in the Tocco Hills area. I went to grade school and high school with, like, the same group of people. We all tend to do that. And I was never quite in on the popular crowd. I was always kind of on the fringes. I wasn't, like, bullied, and they weren't mean girls, but I always very strongly felt kind of in school. Like, my, my real true friendships, and I've been blessed with many really solid ones, have been in sobriety, or, like, later in life, so to speak. Um, you know, so the reason why I was kind of talking about my dad and talking about the school life, is because, for my earliest working memories, I was always very insecure. I always felt like my skin didn't fit. I felt like I didn't get the rule book to life. And that is such a common theme that when, all the years I drank and went to meetings, which, again, I'll, I'll get to once I get to that point, um, you know, I, I, I always loved, I, you know, I was secretly dying of untreated alcoholism, sitting in these rooms, pretending to be sober when I really wasn't, but I really loved speaker meetings. Because, to me, they were always a message of hope, right? And, and, again, you know, we obviously, even, like, looking around in this room tonight, like, we all come from very different walks of life. We have very different, like, you know, family circumstances, upbringings, whatever, you know, career backgrounds, or lack thereof, whatever you want to call it. Um, but in speaker meetings, I always, always identified when someone would get up and speak, and just say, you know what, like, you know, they could sit there and talk about their family, their daddy that was there all the time, or their dad that was there all the time, or their dad that was there all the time, or their dad that was there all the time, or their dad that was there all the time, or their dad that was there all the time, or their dad that was there all the time, or their dad that was there all the time, or their dad that was there all the time, that was totally absent, getting totally abused growing up or not, you know. Um, fundamentally, I've noticed that we all feel the same way on the inside. And, you know, um, and I very much felt that way. I, for many years, blamed it on the stupid girls I went to school with, or my dad that wasn't around and was really a tough dad to grow up with, to be honest with you, as to why I felt the way I did on the inside. And that's the, that's the, the truth. The truth is, I drank, and I, so I'm going to, obviously, this is an AA meeting, um, I did a lot, a lot of drugs, a lot of cocaine, a lot of club drugs, all that stuff. But alcohol was always number one for me. Alcohol brought me to my knees, and I was an alcoholic, like, out the womb. Like, I was a blackout drinker from day one. Um, but, you know, my, again, my natural state of being was that I just, I, I felt like a piece of shit on the inside. I felt like I didn't fit in. I thought I was not good enough. I was obsessed with what people thought about me. I just, now, again, I, I just, I just, I was, I was just that way. And, and again, growing up in middle school, high school, whatever, I blamed it on the people I went to school with, because, you know, these girls were like, you know, they didn't include me and just judge me as, like, some drunken slut or something like that. You know, like, and then again, you know, I didn't, um, you know, in the home, you know, my mom and I are very close, but, you know, there's been a very different dynamic where I had a mom that, like, you know, has loved me so much and has been there for me through thick and thin and did literally everything for me. And then I had a father that was just, he was, he was a challenging person to deal with. It was, I felt, to say that we were walking on eggshells, I think is an understatement in the household. It was rather uncomfortable. So anyway, so fast forward. So I started drinking like the normal age, like 13 or 14. I think that's pretty normal for an alcoholic. So, you know, I don't remember, again, I just, I have a crap load of memory loss. As I mentioned, upbringing. Like, you know, first really full working memories are in middle school. But I started drinking at 13, 14, whatever. And I was a blackout drinker from really from day one. I would say I blacked out every few times for the first few years. Then definitely by the time I was 18, I blacked out like almost every time I drank. And when I say blackout, I mean, I don't remember. But you know what I love? I don't remember my exact first drink, but what I do remember, and this is a common theme I love hearing in speaker meetings is, you know, when I took a drink of alcohol, I feel like I could, I felt like I could take a breath for the first time in my life. All of a sudden, I felt a part of, I felt like my skin fit. I feel like I could relax. You know, I felt like I was good enough. All of those things. All I just, I, again, that's not a unique feeling. I just, alcohol did for me, it quieted the noise in my mind. And I felt so along too. So again, I, for me, I got like blackout wasted. And like, I started, I vomited a lot the next day. I drank like a bunch of dark liquor that night. I remember that. It was like at some house party. Someone's mom was out of town and what, you know, how that goes. And I remember feeling sick as a dog the next day. But very clearly, I was like, I want to do this as much as I possibly can forever. You know, like I had found the solution, right? To like, life. Or, you know, so I thought. Because again, I, all of those feelings, I'm kind of looking back and now with sometimes I'm sober and hindsight's always 20, 20. Again, that state of being irritable, restless, discontent, always slightly anxious, depressed, just full of, whatever that ick is, insecure, all that crap. Alcohol, and later on drugs too, but primarily alcohol, again, really was my solution. It fixed all that. It quieted all that. And it made me feel a part of. I also, so basically, again, growing up with a father like I had, again, super just controlling myself, you know, I was like, you know, I was like, you know, I was like, you know, I was like, you know, I was like, you know, I was like, you know, I was like, you know, I honestly just went buck wild. I really, I was going to Buckhead and going out partying every single weekend, starting at age about 15. I was going, I really got along with being very quickly addicted to alcohol. I was very much addicted to the nightlife, living in bars and clubs. Like I literally, I mean, so many nights, so many weekends. I remember being like the last one standing, you know, people would, everyone would go out and all the normal people. Or even people that kind of drank excessively. But somewhere around two or three in the morning would be like, all right, I'm drunk, you know, time to go home. And I wanted to be like a whatever little after I was like, you know, there's always a few stragglers from like the 3 a.m. To 7 a.m. Hour. I was like, oh, let's go back over here and do whatever. I was always that girl, you know, like I just, I did not have an off button. I never have. And that goes for most areas of my life. I was balls to the wall from day one. There was no progression in my drinking. I was an alcoholic. From day one. And I drink alcoholically. So I'm saying this not to be like, try to get, you know, whatever. From age 17 to 22, I was arrested for four DUIs. I overdosed and put myself in the hospital on primarily alcohol, but a variety of other things multiple times, maybe five times. I don't even know. My members live home here and I can probably smile. My mom watched me go through all that. I mean, I was a train wreck. So, you know, hospitalizations, arrests, just, I mean, it was a disaster, disaster. And after high school, I went to UGA. And I also, you know, a lot of these years too, looking back, I don't know how I did it. So like, you know, I was drinking alcoholically and partying, all this kind of stuff. But starting around age 15, I started getting really into the gym. Like I weight lifted like two hours a day, six days a week, really into the fitness stuff. I did that from age 15 to 25. I was an exercise and sport science major at UGA. Like I, that was, you know, that was my life. I thought I was all about that life. All my friends were in the gym, dated big old meatheads from the gym. Like, so, you know, back in those days, now at almost 39 years old, I get six hours of sleep and I'm sober as hell. And I feel horrible the next day because I didn't sleep enough. Back in those days, again, I, for many years, and I'm getting there, I've always been a kind of a workaholic type A overachiever myself. You know, whether that was instilled in me from dad or, you know, it's just kind of an innate drive. So I've overachieved. I, over the years, have still been able to maintain, you know, like I was very much a binge drinker and user at night, but I could like get my butt to work and I would work my butt off when I was in whatever job or school. I could do school well. I've been in school forever. You know, so I went to UGA and I was an exercise and sport science major there. But again, I was just a train wreck. And if anybody, everybody knows, living in Athens when you're like 18, 20 years old, I mean, it's nothing but a party. And I thought, you know, obviously I always surrounded myself with people that partied like I did and drank like I did. And I thought I was totally freaking normal, even though I was the one getting arrested and overdosing and all these things. You know, I was like, well, I'm in college. You know, I'm at UGA. This is just what you do. You know, I really justified and rationalized my behavior for all the years, not some of the years, you know. And again, I say that I'm thrown in the working out piece because literally what I would do, this is how my life. Yeah. So I would go out, you know, I get ready, go out, like get wasted in downtown Athens. I'm going to use that as an example. Stay out to four or five in the morning. I would go home, pass out for two or three hours, wake up at 8 a.m., go to class all day, do a function, do all the, meet all my whatever requirements were for the day, go to the gym, work out, you know, and do whatever. And then like go back and do it again the next. I did that like four or five days a week for years. Um, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's crazy to think about, but I just, I could function like that. I did. I, maybe it was my youth. Um, anyway, um, it, you know, uh, so for me, I, that's just kind of how my life went on teenage years, early twenties. I just was balls to the wall with drinking. I was going out so much and so often like out and, you know, bars, clubs, whatever. At this point in my drinking, it hadn't really turned to behind closed doors every night by myself, which very much did by my mid twenties. Um, yeah, I got into a lot of trouble. Um, I, you know, at this point, my, my father actually kind of disowned me and walked away at age 21. I haven't spoken to him since then. Um, I've, I've tried over the years for my first few years of sobriety to make amends to him, but he's somewhere back in Turkey. We all know where he is. My parents and stuff were divorced long time ago, but, um, you know, so when I was at UGA, again, I was living a life like this and I got arrested for my. Third and fourth DUI, um, right around the time I was about, I think it was the semester shy of graduating. So that was kind of when the party stopped. There was a very stark change in my story at this point, because I remember it was the summer of 2006. I was pulled, you know, I moved out of UGA and moved back home to Atlanta, very close to here with my mom. Um, you know, needless to say too, if it weren't for my, you know, living with your mom kind of freeloading for years kind of means your home left, you know, like for so many years, I just kind of like used and manipulated. And exploited the love she had for me and just wrote it for like a free ride, you know, like I always had the expectation that she was going to clean up my messes to be quite blunt with you. Um, so I moved home and I, I was kind of, that was when the party stopped, so to speak, because I was forced, um, I had to face my third and fourth DUI, like the legal consequences of that. Now, mind you in DeKalb County, when you're 22 years old, they don't, they frown upon that. So, you know, I, I went through about a few years of a lot of legal consequences. I was ended out of jail, maybe collect, I don't know, like six months or so. I did two years of DUI court. I made it two years long. I should have been about a year long program, but I was still drinking and during the whole program. So I got sanctioned a lot and set back, you know, hundreds hours of communities for all the things, you know, just all the probation, so much money, all that stuff. Um, and it was in that time. I also didn't drive for three years too. I was a habitual violator, so I didn't drive at all for three years. Um, and that, again, that's very much when my drinking turned, um, you take that girl that I described at the very beginning that was already insecure, anxious, you know, depressed, all these kinds of things that didn't feel okay in her own skin. And now fast forward, I get whooped with the consequences of my own actions. That's the thing as an alcoholic, I'm so self-absorbed in my own behavior. I mean, he, I was just like a tornado. Like the big book talks about, you know, we're like the tornado, you know, when you come out of the cellar and like, ain't it grand, the wind stopped blowing. There's a story, whatever. You know, I just, I was a train wreck. Um, and you know, I really having to, I was really brought to my knees when the legal consequences hit that fear and never, you know, so many court dates, like, oh my God, just so many court dates and I would go and I'd like have almost a panic attack and then it'd be postponed or it was like that for years. I'd sit, I don't know, three, four or five, well, yeah, a lot of years of legal stuff. Um, so those, those natural states of being or the way that I felt on the inside, I mean, I just went emotionally. I took a nosedive. I really, my depression, anxiety, living in fear, feeling like the biggest piece of crap on the planet just blew up. You know, it was just like that. It consumed me. It consumed me. Um, and that was really when my drinking turned to, um, and I really, at that point too, I really became primarily alcohol just because that's what I had access to when I was living in bars and clubs. Of course, it was easy to get the club or, you know, other stuff. Um, so it was me like going to the gym and then walking across the street to go to liquor store and just getting bottles of vodka and just like chugging it every night. That's how I drank. I would literally would just drink vodka like water and chase it with water a lot of times and like being a blackout within like an hour. That was, you know, I was never a day drinker cause I couldn't do it. If I was, if I was ever, there was a few times, especially like at UGA that like I tried to be a day drinker. Didn't happen cause I'd be like passed out, blacked out by like noon. Um, you know, so that whole period was a really, oops, sorry, uh, dark period. Um, in my story, like it was really, really a tough time that, you know, this few years. Um, so with the attachment to this place, so I came here primarily in Triangle, um, but primarily here back in those days. I came to my first meeting, um, when I was like 18 or 19 and that's when I started to come into this room and I was drinking and coming to meetings here. For, for a very long time. Um, I was never sober. I never, you know, I hear people say, oh, you know, David, a white knucklehead or get 30 days. I couldn't do that. I mean, I, maybe if you like back in those days, early twenties, mid twenties, I couldn't get even like two or three days together. I mean, I, I had to drink every day, no matter what. And you know, that cycle of literally again, so I was like drinking vodka, like water, go into a blackout. And I always, the, the early morning hours. God bless. Are the witching hours, the three and 4 a.m. Hours. I would come, I would just wake up bolt upright. And I like my mind would be racing. It was like, I felt like I ran a marathon in my own head. And by like 7, 7 a.m. Or whatever time I was actually supposed to get up to start the day. I was exhausted because I was just like, so full of guilt, shame, remorse, like lacerating myself, like, and you, you know, you should a little, all the negative self-talk for whatever I had done before, you know, in black ops too. I mean, I definitely would like. Cause people are like sleep around. I mean, there was a lot of like a lot of bad stuff happened when and blacked out. I, that's the thing is I was always a wild card. I was never middle of the road. All of my DUIs, like one was in a blackout and a high speed police chase. Another one. I drove from Kennesaw to Athens at four in the morning after an after party passed out at the wheel drove off the road on three 16 and a truck. Like I, so I was off the side of the road, my car running and I was passed out. Apparently. A truck driver, like a semi truck driver, like pulled over. Luckily he didn't take me off into the woods and do something really bad. I mean, something really bad could have happened, but luckily that man, by God's grace was nice enough. And he called like the ambulance police and that was an arrest and hospital admission right there. You know, that's how it was with me. You know, I remember another time I was out in bucket and I'm passed on the bank of America parking lot, like in the hoochie mama clothes, just full hoochie past out, you know, and some couple, I guess found my phone. I, you know, this is in the middle of bucket. Now mind you, when people are walking around, like on a Saturday night, they call, they got into my phone, called my mom. And then my poor mom had to come pick me up and scrape me off the ground at two in the morning. And somehow I came to, and I was covered in a blanket, I think in the dining room, you know, again, that, that was the kind of shit that I did. And that was what I put my, you know, my family through and stuff. I mean, it was not pretty. It was never pretty, you know, it was never middle of the road. So. I met someone, you know, again, I look at my kind of back looking back over my life and I'm, I'm going to kind of fast forward and get to sobriety because I have about nine and a half years sober now. I met someone in this room that stay in the room. There's no other, I mean, so it became like a relationship slash job. Like I met someone that was way older than me in these rooms. That was very, very much like my father, very successful, but very like much like my father. And he, he gave me. He gave me a job in his practice. And I'm forever grateful for that. I've ended up making amends to this person, but he was a very huge chapter in my, like a five, six year chapter where it was kind of like a dating thing, but like he was also my ball. It was basically, I I'm, I'm very grateful, very grateful to this person because it gave me, I ended up working in this profession or at the practice as a massage therapist, personal trainer and physical therapy tech through the time of me doing, um, legal consequences. I went and got my massage therapist. There'd be licensed and personal training license, um, you know, in, in that job, I, again, I am forever grateful. And now, especially time has passed. I am very, very grateful to this person, um, for giving me a chance because what that did for me and what I realized now is I was fucking unemployable. It was four DUIs by 22 years old. I couldn't have barely gotten a job at McDonald's. Let's be honest. Like I, I, I just, I was out of options. Like I, it doesn't look good. Um, so I, I am very grateful for that chapter. And period of my life, because it gave me a really good job and really good work experience. Um, that, and again, on my resume, like now with where, you know, I ended up going back to school for nursing in the last 10 years and stuff, but it really gave me, uh, uh, a chance. This person gave me a really big chance. There was a lot of dynamics that were very unhealthy in that relationship. But again, now being a sober woman at almost 39 years old, I very much focus on the positive. I, I've held a lot of resentment towards my father and this person for a number of years, but I very much have, that has table has turned and I'm very grateful to this particular person with that being said, I, during that five year or so period where I finished the legal stuff, I very much began that period of workaholic during the day. I've never, I was never late to work. I worked my ass off when I was there. And, um, but then I was getting drunk every night. That was how it went. Um, and that just kind of continued that behavior of sort of holding it together. During the day. But in reality, again, looking at a lot of the amends I made were to people in that practice. I brought my emotional baggage and drama to work, you know, like I, again, I work with a workaholic, but I also was very sick, um, during that time. And I, I want to mention this too. So I, during that whole period, you know, first five years of drinking, going to meetings were for legal consequences. The second half was for that job slash relationship of sorts. If you want to call that anyway, during that time, I, you know, I, I really, uh, there's someone here I've known for a very long time, like 15 years. And, you know, I went to triangle and, um, a lot too. And, you know, I, I was very fortunate over the years because, you know, this particular person really actually kind of took me under her wing and like brought me into her group of girlfriends. And I very much appreciate that. Um, you know, and I would be, I would go to meetings, go to dinner with them afterwards and then go home and get drunk. I went on vacation with them. You know, I, I stay that because, you know, there were people over the years that really looked out for me. And really. We're loving and caring, you know, even when I was kind of living, when I was a fraud, right. When I was like living this lie, um, and you know, now it's, it is the passage of time, you know, kind of cool to reconnect with certain people. And I, I am very grateful to you for that. I mean that, um, you know, I, that's how it was over the years. Like I, you know, it's impossible. It's impossible to have true, authentic friendships and relationships with people, whether that's friends or your family or dating relationships. Or whatever. I don't have any kids, um, you know, but it would be kids too. You know, the truth is of all these years, all of these years of just lying, drinking secretly, using secretly, going to meetings, pretending to be sober. It's a fucking exhausting way to live. I'm telling you, man, by the time I got started, you bring it up to, so, you know, I worked in that job. So I got fired slash that ended in the, what was it? Summer of 2012. It kind of was like crazy. Oh God, you know, cause my drinking came to like physically collapse in the wellness center. And that's not a good look when you're, you know, so I got fired as I should have been. I mean, it was at that time, 10 years ago, I actually ended up going back to school for nursing and I've become a nurse and just finished nurse practitioner school this year. So I'll be starting as a new MP in January. So very grateful for that. But that's how they do the damn program. So let's bring it up to like getting sober. Right? So all of the, everything I've described, you know, there was, I, there was for me, there was very much like chapters, I feel like kind of just portions of my life. And in all of that, the common thread was that I was a self-centered, selfish alcoholic that was unwilling. I'm not unable. I was not willing to be honest with the people in my life, you know, and that looked so many different ways. Oh God, I was pretended like, and I, to me, I was so full of crap. I started believing my own lies. I remember I pretending that I was ill. Like I thought I had some rare autoimmune disease. In fact, the person I worked for in that chapter of my life sent me to a rheumatologist because I made him or asked him to, you know, to figure out what was wrong with me. The truth was, I just had like, I was toxic as crap because I was drinking vodka, like water. And I was very, very physically sick from it. Um, I think that there's so many, I could, I'm not, I'm going to get sober now, but you know, I could go on and on and on about the relationships I've ruined about the people that were looking at me, shaking their head. When I. My 22 year old self, like, and what are you doing? Like you are destroying your life. And at this space, you're not going to have a chance at any sort of future. Anything career, all anything. Like I, I didn't see myself living past age 30 re in reality. Um, mouth so dry. So like nine and a half, 10 years ago, I really, really reached the bottom. Nothing bad happened on the outside. And when I say that is I was very much. A train wreck when I was younger. So I did many things over the years. For example, like I would still go out with friends like in Buckhead or something, and I would just white knuckle it and be slightly miserable on the inside, trying to be sober. So I could still be with friends and go out to the club or whatever. And then I'd go home and, you know, on the way home, I'd be drinking vodka. Like I wanted, you know, it was always, oh, a ton of that. A ton of that. I really tried many ways about voluntarily took interviews, drank on interviews a bunch. Um, I had the. Ignition interlock system. I gotta say this. I got, this is a funny thing to me. When I first got my license back, finally, I had to have the blowing machine on my car. You know, you blow in it breathalyzer before it starts. I couldn't stop drinking. And I would black out every time I drank and I couldn't stop driving when I was black. I blacked out. I drank, I, after all those DUIs, I drank, excuse me, drove drunk countless times. It is by God's grace. I've never killed anybody else or, you know, I really, I, I was a train wreck. So we discovered the last few years of my drinking that you could voluntarily put that on your car. I like the, um, I had a good relationship with the dude in this garage that like did it in Dunwoody. And it was only like 75 bucks a month. Cause you know, I thought I was like a genius with this idea because I'm like, well, at least, you know, cause I couldn't stop drinking. I was way past the point of any sort of ability to control that. I was like, well, at least in my, you know, when I'm drinking in my blackouts, I won't be able to drive. Right. Cause I got this thing on my car and I'll fail. If I blow in it and the car won't start. Right. This was an ingenious, that thing was on my car for probably three years and a year into my sobriety because it was such a crutch for me. I was too afraid to take it off my car. I mean, that's, that's asinine. It's insane. Looking back on the ways and I tried to control and manage myself, you know, in all of those years too, I, you know, there was a, I was bulimic for many years. I was a huge. What's around the time, like he's men shopping food. I always did everything in my life. Alcoholically. I never had an off button. I would say I've probably done the same thing with school and other things, which is certainly long sobriety, but I just, I've never been a middle of the road girl and anything I've ever done. Um, so 10 years ago or so I really reached a place. My last drunk. I remember at that point I had started back school for nursing and I remember breaking down on my mom's kitchen floor. I was. Getting wasted at like 3 PM saying I was going to stay home for the day and study. It's hard to study when you're blackout wasted, by the way. But I did that. I did that live. Like, well, I'm going to stay home and study. And I would just start drinking in the afternoon. And I remember breaking down just like ugly crying on the kitchen floor. And I had no belief in God growing up. I didn't grow up. We didn't really grow up in a Christian home. You know, my dad was Turkish and we kind of sort of visited church occasionally, random places on the holidays, but I had no faith. I had no belief in. Any sort of higher power. And for me, I had so much guilt, shame and remorse for the way that I was living my life. I'm like, if there's anything out there, they would want nothing to do with me because the way I was living my life. But I remember, again, about nine and a half years ago, this was my bottom. I remember it very vividly. And looking back, I very much realized that it was a window of grace that God gave me. And it was so I broke down. I was just like, God, if there's anything out there, like, please fucking help me because I can't do this anymore. Like I was done. I knew I really was. I really was in a place where I was fully suicidal. I was not really suicidal growing up. But I mean, that horrible in between place of I can't imagine my life going forward drinking right with all the history and stuff I told you and the rate I was going and all that. Yeah, I couldn't picture my life with it or without it. Right. That horrible in between place. I think every alcoholic and addict knows that it's just like the idea of trying to live sober was not not not unbearable. I was unbearable, but like not even plausible. Because the last I would say 10 number of years of drinking, I was drinking every single night, no matter what, to blackout. I couldn't even get two or three days together. I mean, hands down. I was I was a slave slave to alcohol. And again, a lot of that was very much, again, just behind closed doors. So. So, again, I remember that badly. I broke down crying. My mom was at work. And I remember just like saying that first sincere prayer of like, God, please help me. And somehow, some way. How? Now, if you said like a week earlier, if you had you come to me and been like, and are you willing to move into a halfway house to get sober because you realize that staying in the environment you're in, you're not doing it right. Like you're continuing to drink. I would have been like, no, no, it ain't happening. But after that day, when I just described afternoon, someone maybe two or three days later, I talked to someone I somehow friends. I talked to someone that was in a halfway house. I ended up making the decision. I ended up going to second chance in Sandy Springs, which is a very solid recovery program. And I had the best experience. It was again, it was a series. And much of my sobriety has been this way where I look back and then see it was a higher power. God, whatever you want to call it, looking out for me at the time. I certainly. But, you know, somewhere about two days after that time when I broke down, I the idea of like going to sober living because we didn't have the financial means and I had already started school for me to just go off to treatment wasn't really feasible. But the idea. So I went to a halfway house for six months. I believe God gave me the willingness window of grace, whatever you want to call it. And I went there and I had the best experience because I was finally ready. You know, many years past, I've been halfway houses program. It's been to rehab a bunch in the past. You know, I ended up out of two of my rehabs. When I was younger, I ended up with like using relationships for like a year and they were disasters. I found love and treatment like we fucking do. You can meet the man of your dreams. A weekend. The Ridgeview or Peachford. I think that he's the one. I had to. I had two of those that ended up being the worst. I was like smoking crack like in one of them. And I've never done crack before because that was his thing. That was like redhead, crazy Irish guy. But I was in love. I just thought I could go on for days about this. I was crazy. What that did, though. So, you know, again, I got a September 7th, 2013. I know. I my sobriety date really actually when I moved into that halfway house and I like I said, I had the best experience. I became really, really close with the girls in the program. You know, I just was it was a really wonderful experience. A lady that runs that program who I'm so close with was very she's very much like a tough nose woman. She's very tough nose kind of thing. But, you know, I followed all the rules like I did what I was told, you know, like I what that did and what treatment program. And halfway houses and stuff like that do for you. And I very much have learned this because I've sponsored a lot of girls over the years in my first rodeo. What that does is it puts you in a safe environment. Not you. It put me in a safe environment. So therefore, I could get grounded in a solid home group, which I did. Fit tradition was my home group for the first five years. The very solid group. I got a sponsor. I got honest with a woman for the first time in my life. That's the thing and all the crap that I've described. I was never honest with anybody in my life. I was constantly living like a double, triple life. I was presenting to the outer world the stage character that I wanted you to see. But nobody really knew what was going on on the inside, like what I was doing behind closed doors, how I felt on the inside. And I had built up such a wall between me and the rest of the world and mankind that I was convinced by the time I got sober that if you really knew me, you'd run out the door. And I've heard this a million times over in other people's stories. But again, I got honest with a woman for the first time in my life. We started meeting weekly, reading in the big book, and we started working the steps as they were laid out in the big book. I started doing all the things that I'd heard in my first AA meeting at 18 years old, like get a home group, get a sponsor. I started calling two or three other women every day, even though I didn't want to. And now it's like building, I hate the term, like you've got to build a sober network of women. Now I'm like, it kind of makes me want to gag a little bit still now because of those actions. I've had some of the best friendships that are like my family now. And some of those friendships that people have known for 10 plus years, some reconnections after a number of years, I'm not seeing them or new friends, whatever. That first year was phenomenal. Not everyone's story is this way. That first year sober was fucking awesome. Because for the first time in my life, I started getting relief for myself. That obsession to drink finally, for the first time, I mean, I'm talking every day. I got sober at 29 years old. I'm about to have a birthday, January 5th. Every day of my life for those 29 years, I wanted to get drunk. I wanted to get wasted. I wanted to check out from life. And I did. And again, all the other crazy crap that came with that went with it. Right. I did a lot. You know, and a lot of those years too, all those like benchmarks in what I was drinking of like, but I'll never do that. I always ended up doing right. And I'm not going to go into details on that because it's just not necessary. You know, the bar got lower and lower, so to speak. You know, so by the time I came in here, I mean, I just, I was a broken shell of a human. I just, I was good. So, you know, that first year was really awesome. You know, I was, I stayed in that halfway house for six months. I was very involved in that home group. You know, and I go back to visit that home group quite often. Moved on to a different one now. But, you know, I got a sponsor, started calling women. We started meeting weekly and working in the big book. I started praying and meditating. I really want to touch on this. For me, you look at the 12 steps. I remember for many, many years of just sitting in these rooms and doing nothing else. But now I need to say those 10 years I drank and went to meetings. That's about all I did. Occasionally would get a sponsor name, never developed a prayer life, never worked the steps. I was not working a program. It wasn't, once I finally, my story is, honestly, once I started working the program, it worked. And I've never, honestly, that first year, at the end of that first year, that obsession drink was fully removed. It kind of tapered that first year and it's never returned. And I've been through some really painful stuff in sobriety. And I've never thought about drinking. Not everyone's experience is that way. You know, there's many people that in sobriety over the years that still struggle with the thought to drink or use. And, you know, thank God that's not been my truth. But, you know, so the steps and, well, okay, I started praying and meditating every day, even though I didn't believe in God. I felt very connected in nature. Like, where the Takwe House was at was by the Chattahoochee River Park up in, off Northridge. I used to go there all the time. Like, I loved it. It was, I felt very, like, connected to something greater than me, like, in nature. I loved the river and all that stuff. So that's kind of where it began. You know, I took to, so much of this program is taking the right action, despite what I think it is. And how I feel. And you put one foot in front of the next. And just, it's so, a lot of times I just do the next right thing. But it's true. It's true. As long as I kind of just keep my nose down to the ground and keep doing the things. All of the things, what's happened for me is, like, that first year, all of these years that I've been sober, I've always utilized my sponsor. We talk a few times a week. I've always, and this is not intentional. I remember when I first raised my hand to sponsor, I thought I was going to be, like, so overwhelmed with all these people asking me. And so, you know, it's funny. We're so, like, fucking selfish. I was so, like, oh God, you know, how am I going to have time? I'm in school. It has just worked out where I've always had just enough sponsees. I've usually had three to five. That's just kind of been the sweet spot where I've always landed, whatever, for whatever reason. That's, you know, if a few dropped off and I go to a few clubhouse meetings and share a little and get, you know, it just kind of always worked out that way. I've always had just enough. And that's kind of how my sobriety's been. Like, it's just. God has given me really what I need, like, the whole time. You know, I've always gone throughout my sobriety in these nine and a half years. I still go to three or four, sometimes five meetings a week when I have time. You know, I've always worked the steps multiple times. I've always done the morning prayer and meditation. I've ebbed and flowed with nightly inventory. About six months ago, one of my best friends, we've been best friends for 10 years in the program. We started sending nightly inventories to each other. So we still do that, you know, often. We don't, we're doing it every night for like a few months and then now it's more like as needed. But, you know, I've always done the things, you know, I just, I, for me, I'm not one of those alcoholics that can get away with doing the AA taper. And I'll be honest with you. I have, I have really good friends. Like there's a group of girlfriends that we've all been best friends for like 10 years and they were like part of my sober network of women that I, you know, you know, this is lame. Like in the beginning. During that. But they've become like my sisters, my family. I really, at this point in my life, have like my mom and my friends in the program. Um, you know, a lot of them over the years, like now a lot of the people that are, we're still really close can kind of get away. They're kind of maintaining with doing like one meeting a week, maybe like having no sponsees for a period of time, maybe one or two kind of sorta maybe talk to their sponsor like once or twice a month. And I'm not, I'm not saying that doesn't work for me. It doesn't work. I can't. I am not that kind of alcoholic that I find that for me, like, you know, again, I was very busy. The last 10 years I mentioned, you know, I'm not, I don't like to sit here and be like, oh, you know, I got, I ended, you know, I graduated with my doctorate in nursing this May and it was very hard. It was like 70, 80 hour weeks, many weeks between work school clinicals. I was working as a nurse all through school. I'm only mentioning that to say, I mean, one of my sponsors is here. Like I'm busy. I've been busy. I'm actually a little lighter period right now, but I've always been very busy through my sobriety. The reason why I'm saying that is I've always worked and gone to school, you know, done a lot of hours in the week. So it would have been very easy for me over the years to kind of fall back on this. Well, you know, I'm in school now I'm, I'm working and shit. Like I don't have time to have five sponsors or, you know, I, it's very, I've seen many people do that. They get married and get careers and whatever in sobriety. And it's like all of a sudden I'm, I'm, I'm living the wonderful life God gave me from being sober. And all of a sudden I think I'm too busy for AA. So it's been really, I'm really driving that plane home because it's been very imperative for me to keep doing the same thing. I do the same things now that I did 30 days sober, except, you know, I'm sponsoring now. Yeah. And that's what that's done for me. I'm going to kind of backtrack in a minute, talk about step work, but you know, I was a train wreck for many years. I was, I was the bad one. I was the black sheep of the family. Like the whatever. You want to term, you want to throw it, like throw at it of like, I don't know what it, I can't think of anything. Anyway, the last 10 plus years or so, I do have a brother who's three years older than me. I need to touch on this for sure. Cause it's been, it's been the biggest challenge in my recovery. Um, for sure is a, is a tough family dynamic. You know, my dad's been on the pictures for many years for all of us, but I have a brother who's severely, severely mentally ill, um, severe forms of bipolar may touch us. So I don't know, I'm not, I'm not going to diagnose them, but definitely bipolar one and treat it over the years. And then in the last 10 years specifically, he's taken the nosedive decline and his level of functioning. Um, unfortunately he has not been able to, he's not been willing to, or not done it or whatever you want to call it, like stayed on meds for any periods or whatever. And then I, you know, um, I have a mom who I love to death, but she's really struggled with depression and some stuff too. I mean, it's just my truth. I can't not say that. I'm also seven years into Al-Anon as a result. I need to just throw that out there because for me it has very, it was very much a necessity and I, um, it has been a beautiful, that has been its own beautiful process as well. Um, and this is AA obviously, so I'm, I can't not say that because you know, there has been a lot of instability, a lot of chaos, a lot of, a lot of really tough shit with the family unit over the years. You know, it's, it's not, it's been scary. I mean, I know, you know, it's, it's kind of, it is a situation that has gotten worse as time has gone on in it. It is very, um, it's not a matter of if it's a matter of when stuff hits the fan again, so to speak, it's very cyclical, usually three to six months. Um, anyway, so I, I'm saying that to say, um, I haven't spoken to my brother in a number of years too, as a result, like it's just not, it's not healthy for me at this point. Um, obviously still very close with my mom, um, step work, man, step work, working the, you know, the steps surrounding the family stuff and all of the things, um, has been incredibly crucial. I kind of jumping around. I realized, um, I, you know, I, I just, uh, I'm going to wrap up in just a minute. I'm five, two, five, yeah, like two minutes. So, you know, I have a beautiful life today. You know, it's been great. I've been able to like go back to school. I have great friendships today. I'm not married with kids because it's honestly not really what I want. I mean, I've been a lot more career focused and I'm very grateful to have that path. Um, you know, over the years I've learned how to start to begin to have healthy relationships with men. That's something I've really struggled with. The eating disorder stuff has long, you know, subsided. Um, you know, I, as long as I can put one foot in front of the next with this program, whatever it is, works out and it's okay. It's okay. You know, and it's been the biggest gift, you know, honestly being a nurse for five and a half years, I'm still, I'm about to, again, start my MP job finally, like the end of January. But working. Working as a nurse too. I, I decided to work over Christmas because, you know, again, we don't always do stuff with our family. Um, and I figured I would place myself, you know, again, the idea of constantly being, um, in a position to be of service to others is imperative. God bless. That's imperative. Um, so I worked over Christmas and I actually had a great Friday night. But Saturday night was great. Like it just so happened. I really liked the people I work with. I'm a float nurse. I'll go all over. I had some great patients and it's, you know, that's been the biggest gift of this program is to realize that. Life is not all about me. You know, I was able to kind of pull my head out of my own hiney through working this program because I was so self-absorbed, so destructive towards myself, towards everyone around me. I just, I was, again, I was that tornado girl. And now it's been really, really nice to have a shift in my life where it's like, you know, when I am in that place of like working a solid program and just thinking of what I can do for others. And I've been fortunate again, in my occupation, that was kind of intentional, like, and I wanted to go back to school for nursing for that. Largely for that reason. It's been such a blessing, you know, and life is life. It's not always pretty. I've seen many of my friends that, you know, lose loved ones, children, you know, significant others. I've seen people go through, get physically really sick, just all sorts of crap, get fired, got divorced, all the things, you know, whatever, because it's so, it's very easy for me to get wrapped up in, oh, what was me, you know, I don't have this side or the other and kind of wallowing my own shit. But again, if I can just, again, pick up and call a friend or like talk to a sponsee, everybody has their own stuff, you know, and that's the one thing that's so beautiful about this program is we are all united with having a common struggle of trying to figure out how to do life sober. And it's been pretty awesome, I have to tell you. So I know I kind of wandered all over the place. This meeting is bigger than I thought, by the way. But thanks for letting me share. I'll stop there. Thank you, Anne. That was very powerful. I have asked this young lady to come give out the tip. Megan, alcoholic addict. Watch it get started, start over. 30 days, 60 days, 3 months, 6 months. Last thing I wanted to do. There ain't no denying the pain you put me through. I thought I knew you so well. Guess I have to blame myself for letting you. Till I was held, digging a hole in my wound up. Then I turned a good girl into a liar. I didn't come here looking for the lies. I came in here running from the fire. Talking heartbreaker. You had me believe. That you loved. But you gave me one match and gasoline. It all happened so fast. Nothing was left but ashes. I should have seen it coming. But I was head down, hell bound. Digging a hole, wound up. Turned a good girl into a liar. Looking for the lies. No, no. I came in here running from. The fire. And it's all because of you. And the things you made me do. Turned a good girl into a liar. Looking for the lies. You're running from the fire. Oh, I. You're running. From the fire.