Nine Areas of Unmanageability From Page 52 and a Fifth Step for the Dark Crannies – Don C.

Good morning everyone. My name is Don Koyas and I am an alcoholic. I am a member of the Mohican Nation. I was born into the Turtle Clan on my mother's side. I was born for the Coyote Clan on my father's side. My Indian name is Tantanka Wombley. It was given to me in 1994. And I'd like to say I'm just really honored to be here and I thank the committee and it's really good to be on the sacred land of the Mojave Nation and the Paiute people. In our way we always acknowledge the sacredness of the land of the people and thank them for allowing me to come here also. Our elders, which in our culture we have a great respect for, they always tell us that before anything starts that we always take the time to connect with each other. That's how we're taught. The first thing you do is you take the time to connect. And what I mean by connecting is this. If I were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to say, if you were to There are certain things we can say in our language that is difficult to say in English. Because our language, when it was formed, it was formed by watching nature. And so it's a language of relationships, how everything connects to each other. That everything is of equal worth. And it's also a feeling language. So when we talk about interconnectedness, the word that we would use is called netashneha. And you can recognize it. I think this is why in our sacred steps of AA, it says, we, we do everything. No one does it alone, but it's we. And netashneha, what that feeling is, it's like when you look someone in the eye, then there's a second later, there's a feeling goes across. When that spirit connects, that's netashneha. Then it says, we're ready. I don't know if you've ever been married to somebody or worked for somebody, but they're looking right. They're looking right at you with their little corporate eye. And as you're speaking to them, you can tell that connectedness isn't there. You know how you can tell that? Then you say, you're not listening to me. Oh, yes, I am. What would I say? Then they can't remember what you said. So the elders, they tell us, before you start, to take that time to interconnect everything. And so with your permission, I will do that. And how that's done is like an opening, they call it. And the first thing that we do is we put down these four colors, cloth, red, yellow, black, and white. And what those represents the four directions, east, south, west, and north. That's the complete cycle from sunrise to sunset, all the seasons. But it also represents the people. And the way that the elders told to us, they said, when creation was made, the creator only made one race, and that's the human. That's this one. And they represent, just like you have flowers, different color flowers. You have birds, different color birds. Trees, different color trees. And what they said is, what this is that you are looking at in each human being, when we are born, we are born with the earth suit. This is just the suit by which I walk around the earth on. And each human being is given that suit. And we know that that alcohol, it's not, EEO disease, it's not prejudice. It'll take who it can get. It doesn't matter what your earth suit is. It comes after us. And so we put that here for us to remember when we look around these rooms, we see all different kind of earth suits. But we are just a group of human beings trying to help one another stay sober and grow and come back to that good way. And so we put those cloths down there. Then that helps us to, have the netashniha, the connectedness. And then what I'll do is, I'll light some sage. It's a plant. We believe that every plant has a medicine, has a purpose. Sometimes we as human beings, you know, we sometimes discredit how the Creator made things. We see certain plants, we don't like them. We say, oh, those darn weeds, like they don't belong here. Or we see certain animals, those pests. But they have a reason for being here. And that's what we learn in here, is to respect all things. Everything has a right to be here. And so our sage, what we do is we light that. And it's how the medicine gets out of the plant is when you light it. Then the medicine comes out. And what medicine is for purification, it's like removing negative it. Helps that connectedness to take place really strong. It's a medicine that, that we use. And so I'll light some of this sage. And then what I will use to spread it around is this fan. It's from an eagle's wing. And this was given to us shortly after the white buffalo cap was born in Janesville, Wisconsin, a few years ago. And the elders, they said that you share this fan. It was made when all the earth suits come together. The red, the yellow, the black, and the white. When the human body comes together, it's a fan. It's a fan. It's a fan. It's a fan. And then the human being comes and sets down. They said then you bring out the fan because it's the people's fan. And so what I'll do is to light a little bit of this sage. Then it turns into smoke. And that's how the medicine comes out. And then the medicine, it traps on the bottom of the wing. So as it comes in the smoke, it traps on there. And then you have the ability then to throw it. So it goes a great distance. And what it does is it traps on the wing. And what it does is it helps with the interconnectedness of all things. And I'll thank you for allowing me, because it is a part of my recovery, was for me to come back to the culture. And I'm going to leave this fan out here. In our culture, we're taught that when you hold an eagle feather or you are in the presence of an eagle feather, they say you can't lie. So I'm going to leave it there, because I am an alcoholic, see. So I'll just leave it there. And then the other thing is I'm going to offer Mr. Ed this tobacco. In our culture, when you have elders there, what you need to do is ask them permission to speak. And so I offer this tobacco and ask for permission to speak. But that's the way we're taught. To do it at home. And so I'll do that. And you taught me that whenever I do this, I'm just to share my experience, strength, and hope. And if I stick to that, I don't need to be afraid. That if I do that, then that's how I get through this. And so I will do that. I'll share my experience, strength, and hope. I'll share what you taught me. It seems like most anything that I know that has of any value I got from you, anything that works, I've got from you. But maybe to talk what happened was I can maybe do that best by sharing a story. And it's a story I heard in these rooms. Because when I came into AA, the first meeting I found out where, I didn't want to go in there. And so I located the building where it was. And it was that night, Monday night. I drove down there about the time the meeting started. And there was a slot for a car right in front of that meeting. All the other ones, they were full up. And so I said, I'm going to drive around the block one time. And if that slot is open, then I'll go to that AA meeting. So I drove around there. And there were people coming and going. And sure enough, that darn slot was still there. So I slowed down. So I said, you know what, I'm going to go around one more time. Around that meeting. And I drove really slow as my rest car would go. You know, really slow. I drove around there. And darn if that place wasn't still there. And so I said, okay, one more. Just one more. So I went around. And sure enough, so I went in there. And that was my first. Meeting. And I walked in there. And what I first noticed was it was all white people. And I went, oh, no. All white people. And I was pretty prejudiced in those days. And so I went in there. And I just sat there and I judged everything. I just wanted to get out of there. But there was something I noticed when I left. I didn't remember anything that was said. I only remember how it felt. There was just something. And even in my own mind, I didn't like it. I didn't like how you were telling on yourselves. I never told nobody nothing. When none of their business, you sit there and share. You know, I thought, God, what's the matter with them? Talking out in the open like that. And the second thing I didn't like was your laughter. Just laugh like hell. And life wasn't funny for me. There was nothing funny about that. But there was this feeling that I experienced there. And even though after that first meeting I went to, I went and I drank again. I never forgot that feeling that was going on in that meeting. And probably the best way I could describe what happened was to tell a story. And I heard it in these rooms. And I heard a man tell a story. And I really connected to it. I really. I really understood the meaning behind this story. And he was talking about in this one city there was this arena. And in this city there was a boxing ring. And he was in that boxing ring in one corner. And in the other corner was the other boxer. And that was alcohol. And a lot of people were in that arena. They were. They come here to watch. And so I connected to that right away. And you know. When you're at a special event like that. They put a little ribbon on the front row. And they allow your family to come sit right in the front row. So that they have a good view. That's always a special place that they get to sit. And that's what happened. My family come in. They sit right in that front row. By that boxing match. And there was a lot of noise. And popcorn and all that was being sold. And I felt pretty good. So as we got near the time to start it. That referee come out. And he explained the rules to alcohol. And explained the rules to me. And we both shook our heads. We agreed that we would know what these rules are. And so they rung the bell. And we come out. And first couple rounds it was alright. We were just boxing around. And ducking and punching a little bit. But it was no big deal. And everybody seemed to be pretty excited. To look forward to what was going on there. But then maybe around three or four. We're out there. And all of a sudden. The alcohol just seemed to get a lucky punch. And it kind of surprised me. And I looked at the alcohol. And the alcohol said. That was just a lucky punch. He said you can whip me. And inside I knew it was true. I knew I was strong. I knew I could whip him if I wanted to. And so the bell would ring. We'd go sit down. And then get out there. And pretty soon the alcohol started hitting some more. And as that round went on. You started to notice. A lot of people. They started to leave. Because it was apparently kind of boring. What was going on there. And each time the alcohol would punch. You'd say. Hey that was just a lucky punch. And I noticed a couple times. It seemed from my point of view. In that situation. The alcohol started to hit some low blows. And the rules. It says you can't do that. But the referee never said anything. And so as we got back on. A couple more rounds. And pretty soon the alcohol is just. It's really punching almost at will. He's beating me up. And I looked around. Out at that arena during that break. And I noticed. Everybody had gone. Except my family. My family sat right there on that front row. They were watching what was going on. Went out there for another round. And the alcohol started just to really punch. Really hurt. The bell would ring. I could barely make it back there. And I sit down there on that little chair. My son come up to me. And he said. He said. Dad. He said. Mom says. Let's go. She says. Get out of that arena. And I look back at that eight year old boy. And I said. You tell your mama. Just one more round. I says. You're going to watch. I'm going to do it. She says. You just tell her to watch. I'll make her proud. So that bell rang. And we come out there again. This time alcohol. Was really fighting. Dirty. Kick in. Hitting. And I was right down on my knees. Saved by that bell one more time. And I crawled back over in that corner. And I'm sitting there trying to figure this thing out. And pretty soon my daughter. She come up. She tugged at my arm. And I looked at her. And she says. Dad. She says. Mom says. That if you don't go now. We're going to leave. We're not going to watch this anymore. I said. You just tell her. One more round. Just watch. Because I'm going to do it. The bell rang. And I went out there. And I don't think I'm really sure when they left. I wasn't watching for them. And by this time the alcohol. It was. It had me right down on my stomach. On my hands and knees. I could just see alcohol's tennis shoes. Kick in. And telling me. You can beat me. And I was saying. I know I can. I know I can. And it was a lucky punch. And then it hit me. I said. Nice. You know something. The alcohol is lying. I said. The alcohol is lying. So I. Don't even remember the bell or anything. All I know is. I crawled out that arena. On my stomach. And I crawled out of that arena. And I got off by myself. And. I started to heal. And I was thinking about things. You know. As I was out there for a while. Then all of a sudden. I was thinking about it. I said. You know something. I know a move that alcohol don't know about. I didn't show them my real stuff. So I thought about that. And I said. You know something. I'm going to go back there. And I walked in that arena. And the light was on. And the alcohol was standing in that corner. With his arms around those ropes. And I looked at that alcohol. And I said. Alcohol. I'm back. And the alcohol said. I knew you would be. Because you know some stuff. You're going to whip me. And so I said. That's what I'm going to do. So I jumped back in that arena. And it was a matter of seconds. That alcohol put me right down on my stomach again. And so. I realized that. What I knew it didn't work. So I crawled out of my stomach again. All bruised. From the alcohol. And I got out there. And I got thinking again. About another move. That I thought the alcohol wouldn't know about. And so back in the arena. I went again. And I said. Alcohol. I'm back. And they said. I know. I know you would be back. I've been waiting for you. And the same thing happened. Except quicker this time. And so I crawled out that arena. The last time I looked at that. Alcohol is tenor shoes. I was able. As that big book says. To concede to my innermost self. To my insides. That I have this disease. Alcoholism. And that was August 10th 1978. That I left that arena. And never have found it necessary. To go back into that arena. So what I did one more time. Is I come back to you people. And this time when I come back. I didn't come back. To keep my family. They were gone. I didn't come back to keep my job. Because it was gone. I come back to you. I was. Thousands of dollars in debt. I was bankrupt. My family was gone. It was all gone. And when I came back this time. I didn't look at it as a white men's program. That had gone to alcohol. It was about alcohol. And I knew that you knew that. And I knew you knew some things that I didn't know. To die would have been easy. But you know it doesn't necessarily let you die. It keeps you alive. Barely. Alive. And so when I came back into the program. That last time. I didn't have any resistance. It was gone. I was absolutely willing. To do what I needed to do. What you told me to do. And one of those things. You told me to do. Was to get a sponsor. And I was kind of watching this old man. I was up in Denver by then. They call him Big Frank. And he's an attorney. He was sober a long time. And he's a real alcoholic. Frank is. And he knows that big book. Quite well. And so when I asked him. If he would be my sponsor. And he says well let's sit down. And we'll talk about that. And so we sit down there. And he's kind of a sarcastic kind of a man. From my point of view at that time. He's a great big man. He's about 6'7". He's big all scarred up. And he just sat there. He's sizing me up. You know. He had this way of looking at you. With his squint eyes. And nodding his head. His lips sticking out. You know like. And he said you know. He said I've been here. He said about 17 years. He said I watch you Indians come in here all the time. You hang out. He said you sit way in the back. You don't say nothing. He said all of a sudden you just disappear. He said I don't know what there is about this program and you guys. But he said most of you guys don't get it. He said I don't think you got what it takes. And he was getting more sarcastic. You know. You ever have like when you're a kid. Have a little puppy. And you don't know. But you tease that puppy. You rub it in the face. And then you rub it a little bit more. And then pretty soon you get it growling. You know. That's the way. That's the way I felt he was doing to me. He's just rubbing it in my face. Rubbing it in my face. You remember? And I remember I sat there. And I just looked at him with my glaring eyes. And I thought you know. You watch you white son of a bitch. I'll show you. I said I'll make it. But I found out later on in his wisdom. About the only thing that he had to work with. That I had a lot of was anger. And it was hate. I didn't have compassion. Love. Caring. I didn't even feel anymore. By the time I come. And I was numb. Paralyzed. Kind of that way. And so that was kind of how it started. And he told me. He said. There's a couple of things. He said I'll guarantee you. One he says I'll guarantee you my friendship. And he says it doesn't matter whether you like me or not. He said you know something. I just now decided I'd be your friend. For life. And that's the way it is. He said you got nothing to do with it. And he says the second thing. He says I'll give you. He says I'll give you some guidance. He says there is a book here. And he said I know you don't know. Anything about it. He said but I know about that big book. And he said the other thing I can give you is some hope. He said because I'm sober 17 years. And he says you little brown son of a bitch. You can't get 30 days. So he said I know something that you don't. And he went on to say. He said there are some things I am not. He said I am not your taxi cab. Don't be asking me for rides. I ain't your banker. Don't ask me for money. I am not your hotel. You know he said you did all that stuff. You got to the bars and stuff. So don't be calling me for that. But he said I will. Share with you. How this program works. And so then he showed me this big book of AA. He wouldn't let me use the 12 and 12. He had some opinions about 12 and 12. He had a lot of opinions. But lots of things. But he said it's that book. And he showed me how thick 164 pages were. And he held it up like that. And he said the rest are stories. But he said this first 164 pages. He said if you do exactly what it says in there. He said you will never have to drink again. This isn't about slipping. This program is not about slipping. It's about never having to drink again. You know and if you haven't been able to quit that way. And you've gone through all that terror. That's a big deal to hear somebody say. If you do this. You'll never have to drink again. And so he showed me those 164 pages. In that book. And he said that's what we're going to do. We'll start on this book. Then he took a schedule. And he said these are the meetings here in Denver, Colorado. And he circled six meetings I was to attend. Sunday night I could go to any meeting I wanted to. But Monday through Saturday I was directed. Which meetings I was to go to. Then he said when you go to this meeting. He said when it comes your turn. You say my name is Don. I'm an alcoholic. Then he says you don't say nothing after that. Because you don't know nothing. He says you have nothing to share. So he says you just sit there and listen. And so that's the way I did it. I went there and I just said my name is Don. I'm an alcoholic. And I didn't say anything. But I must have been sober about six months. And I was sitting there one night. And this Indian woman walked in this meeting. Oh she was looking good to me you know. And she was kind of looking at me with those snagging eyes. We call it back home right. You get that certain look. I could tell something was going on. That connectedness. It was there pretty strong. And I thought to myself you know. I'm not going to make any points with this Indian woman. Unless she hears me quote the book or something. I got to do something you know. Sooner or later my turn come. And I said my name is Don. I'm an alcoholic. And I started quoting. That big book. I was just whipping those passages on her. And I could tell. She was even more interested. Once I could quote that big book. So anyway. We did that. And we went for coffee that night. And I went home. And I wasn't home ten seconds. Seemed like. The phone rang. And I was in such a good mood. Hello. You little son of a bitch. What were you doing talking tonight? You know somebody. Sponsors are like the original internet. You know. They know everything. They're just camped off. So anyway. I got caught. But when we went to that big book. The first thing he did. Is he turned to those twelve proposals. Those twelve steps. And he said. I want you to look at each of these twelve steps. And he said. I want you to answer two questions. He used to call it the step before the steps. And he said. These are the two questions. You have to answer for each one of those twelve steps. He said. One is. He said. Are you willing to go to any law school? Are you willing to go to any length? So you got to read step one. And see. Are you willing to go to any length? Don't worry about how to do it. But are you willing? Then step two. Are you willing to go to any length? And step three. I was to. Consider that possibility for all. Each of those twelve steps. Not just a yup. But was I willing to go the distance? The second question he asked me. He says. Do you want to do it? Do you want to work these twelve steps? Is this your road? Because he said. Not everybody. Not everybody in the program. Works those twelve steps. He said. From his point of view. Half AA. They don't work those twelve steps. They stay sober. They go to the meetings. And as he was telling me that. It was over at his house. And he was making us a snack. You know. And he was telling me about this program of AA. He says. It's like a banquet. He said. There's like steak on this end. And you get further down. You know. There's like meatloaf. And further down. There's like cheeseburger AA. And he knew that I liked peanut butter. You know. And so he was making this peanut butter sandwich. I was eating the sandwich. You know. And then he finally. I just took a mouthful of that peanut butter sandwich. And he says. There's even. He said. Peanut butter AA. And I'm sitting there. My mouth was full. And he said. But the problem with peanut butter. He said. It sticks to the roof of your mouth. And you go. So I used to see him in a meeting every once in a while. You know. He said. In a meeting. How a sponsor is giving you that look. You know. They try to connect you. And you look the other way. We sat in meetings like that. And he'd be looking at me. Finally. I look over across the table at him. And he'd go. It's always rubbing my face. You know. But he said. One of the reasons you have to have that step before the step. He said. Is because. When you go through those steps. He said. When you work them. He said. You're going to hit a wall. And he said. If you hit that wall. It comes up. And you hit it. You will turn around. And quit. But he said. If you make that commitment. I want to do this. I'm willing to go to any length. That's it. That commitment will take you through those rough times. Because that's what you said you wanted to do. So he said. Don't come whining to me. That you don't want to do it. Because he said. You told me you wanted to do this. You said you were willing to go to any length. So I went back. And I told him I was. And it's true. I was. I didn't know what it was going to be. But I wanted to go through that work. He called it the work. That's how he referred to it. He still does to this day. So we went back there. And. When I got that step before the step. Then he showed me where the instructions were for step one. You know I had read that big book lots of times. That was the most boring book I ever read in my whole life. That big book. And I could never find the instructions. I didn't understand what that was. Instructions. So then he told me the first 43 pages. Is to do a step one. And I was to consider. And he said. If you're a real alcoholic. He said. When you read that book. You'll understand this book. He said. If you're just a normal person. You won't understand that book very well. But if you're a real Nalki. You'll be able to say. That's me. That's me. That's me. That's the way it was. I went through and I read that. And I knew. That book was written about me. It was easy to see it. Some words I didn't know. You know. Paradoxically. And all that stuff. You know. I still don't know what it means. But I know that book was written about me. Because they were telling my story. Right in that book. I understood that. The day will come. When you have no mental defense against that first drink. I know about that. I can tell you stories about that. Where I make vows. And I still would drink. Or when somebody would come up and say. You keep this up. You're going to lose your family. Most important thing that I ever had in my whole life. And I lost it. It went. Because of the alcohol. I know about that. Then we come to the second part of step one. And he showed me on page 52. It was called. Manageability paragraph. And in there. There were nine areas. I was to look at. In terms of unmanageability. That part where he says. We're having trouble with our personality. There's some relationships. We couldn't control our emotional nature. And there were nine areas in there. And he had me take those nine areas. And flip it into a question. And I was to look at. In my relationships. It's not what were they doing. But how was I managing them. So I was to list people. I was in relationships with. And I was to look at my behavior in that. How was I managing that. Was I stuffing it. Was I getting angry. Did I run. Did I gossip. Did I. And I was to look at. My. My part of relationships. How I was managing them. And with all nine of those areas. He made me look at each one of those areas. And I had to give him a lot of examples. Of what that was. So I went through and I did that. And I came back. To him. And then we talked some. I added some things to it. But I. For the first time I was able to see. What unmanageability was. I didn't know what it was. I thought that was normal. I thought when some. When you got pissed at somebody. Don't talk to them. Just. For weeks. You have to share nothing. It's an Indian way. Or whatever. You know. Whatever that stuff was. He always told me. He says. Being Indian will get you drunk. He used to tell me. I used to. His name was always in my resentment inventory. When he said that. But it took a while. Before I knew what he was saying. And so then we took those nine areas. And he always explained to me. That the steps are interconnected. They're not separate twelve things. But they're interconnected. With each way. Then I took those. Nine areas. And I brought those to step two. And what I was to do there. Is to create a vision in nine areas. Came to believe. That a power greater than ourselves. Could restore us to sanity. So I had to look at sanity. In personal relationships. Emotional nature. Making a living. Full of fear. In all nine of those areas. And so I made that vision. In nine. In step two. And he told me. That vision that you write in step two. Will be your spiritual awakening. In step twelve. What you set in step two. He said. If you want to know. Having had a spiritual awakening. What it is. He said. Look at your vision work. That you do in step two. And so I wrote that. Part in there. And he said. Don't ask. How is this going to happen. Or when. But he said. Most of step two. Is written out. Way beyond your belief system. Out in the land of impossibility. Out in the land of the extraordinary. And so I made that vision. And then. I went over to his place. And we started to work on step three. And he always believed. That every sentence in the big book. Was instruction. So when I told him. I was ready for step three. He would open up that big book. And he'd read every line. And then he asked me. For experience. On that line. So when he says. That our lives are run. And saw propulsion. He said. Give me some experience. That this is true for you. And so I had to go to each one of those. When he asked a question. I had to answer the question. He didn't let nothing go. And we had to go all the way through there. And like a lot of people. When you come into the program. I struggle. With that step three. See I was raised on a reservation. And some of the brothers here. They have mission schools there. Different churches come in. On the reservations. And they always had clothes and food. That's kind of why we went to them. For the food and the clothes. Except they always made you do their thing first. So the Catholics. Would come in. And you had to learn to do all of this. And then pretty soon. They'd go run out of funding or whatever. And then the Pentecostals would come up. And then you had to learn to do this. And so we had to do a lot of different things. On a reservation like that. But what was always puzzling. Is like. The Catholics would leave. And the Pentecostals would come in. And say the Catholics are going to hell. And you go whoa. Am I glad the Pentecostals are here. Then they would leave. And the Baptists. Would come in. And they'd say no. They're both going to hell. You know. We're the one. And you know you're a little kid. You get this idea. You want to get to heaven. Or wherever this place is. And it's like you weren't sure. For sure. Which one was it. You know. So I had some pretty tainted views of God. I didn't know about the Creator. Until I came here to you. That's where I really learned about it. Because I mean. I had a story last night. One speaker. You know he talked about. A mission school. You know like. When you're a little Indian kid. A nun is really. I mean they got this. You know robe on. And they carry their arms. And they had little sticks. You know. They were like spiritual terrorists. You know on a reservation. They scared the crap out of you. And you know they would be trying to get you to find God. And they'd say you know. Like you ever been burned with a cigarette. And say oh yeah. And they say well in hell your whole body is going to burn. And you get blisters. You know you have these visions of. You know it scares the heck out of you. And they'd say you ever been thirsty. There ain't no water in hell. Your body is going to blister. And you're going to never have water. Now do you want to seek God. And you go you bet I do. But it was always like you had the flames of hell. Look in your ass. You know you like. Going there for the wrong reason. But you know today I know better. Because. You know all part of my prejudice to religion. That you had to help me. To take a look at it. But that's how it seemed to me. It wasn't until I came to you. That I started to find it. So I had some of these. In my mind. I had some of these things. About turning your life over to the. You know. Are you sure you want to do this. But then one day I was in a meeting. And I was on that third step. Because the way Frank told me. He said. When you go to a meeting. He said. The only problem you got in your whole life. Is the step you're on. So if you're in step one. I don't care what meeting you go to. You listen to it from point of view of step one. If you're in step eleven. You sit there from point of view of step one. So wherever I. As I went through the steps. That's how I had to do it. So I was on step three. So I listened. From the point of view of step three. And it was in there that I heard. A version. A story. That really helped me a lot. And this guy was sitting there. He was talking about step three. And he said. You know he said. There's four frogs sitting on a log in a pond. And he said. One of those frogs make a decision to jump in the water. So how many frogs are left on that log? I said three. He said no four. So he said that frog. Was sitting there with the other frogs. But just decided. When he makes that decision. He said. And the way this step works is. When you make that decision. To turn your life and your will. Over to the care of the God. He said. And God makes you into an orange frog. He said. In AA you hear this. Well I took my will. And I give it back. And I took it back. And I give it away. And I took it. And he said. That's not how it works. He says. It's a one time deal. He said. When you turn your life over to the care of God. Like that frog. He said. It makes an orange frog. And it's an orange frog forever. He said. So say you make that decision on Friday. And then Saturday. You get all upset. And you get really angry. He said. You're just a pissed off orange frog. That's all. Then he said. Suppose Monday. You go. You go. You go. You go. You go. You go get drunk. He said. Then you're a drunk orange frog. That's the way that is. And it works that way. And where my head was. I said. That's it. I want to be orange frog. So of course. I went over to Frank. I didn't say. Hey Frank. I'm ready to be orange frog. Because Frank was not quite that way. But anyway. We. We went over there. And we went through that line by line. Of all instructions in that third step. And when it was done. He said. Are you ready? Are you ready? And so me and that old man. We got on our knees. And each opened up that big book. And held on hands. And he read that third step prayer. And then I read that third step prayer. And so when I was finished. I said. Well Frank. Now what? And he said. I'm glad you asked. And he reached behind his chair. And he pulled out a legal tablet. With a pencil. And he said. Let's see what that book says. He says. Next. We launched on the course of vigorous action. And so before I was writing there. I knew how to write resentment inventory. Five column resentment inventory. Four column fear inventory. And a 13 column sex inventory. The way that we did it. Because you know. In the sex inventory. He says. Where was I jealous? Caused suspicion. Each one had to be a column. He says. So you can see the pattern. Separate it out. You can see it. Especially the first inventory. And so that's. The way I did. I wrote that inventory. And. I remember. I was writing inventory. For a couple of months. And. This thing came up. Around my sexual abuse. I was sexually abused. When I was. Nine and ten. By an uncle. And I never told anybody. Anything. And when it surfaced. I was sick. And when I saw all that stuff. That come up with that. I stuffed that for a long, long, long time. And I went like nuts. And I drove my car. I don't remember driving over to Frank's place. I didn't go in the front door. I was just pounding on the glass window. Even when he opened up the door. I was still pounding. And I think that was the only time. In the first three years I knew him. He was ever kind to me. He invited me in. But he could see something was going on. So he let me stay there. For that weekend. And I wrote inventory. Down there in his basement. And so when the inventory was finished. I knew it was good. He told me about the dark crannies. He said no secrets. Everything has to be told. You cannot have any secrets. That's what that dark cranny is. He said if you have those. He says you'll get drunk. And so. When the inventory was done. I knew it was done. And so I still couldn't get up enough courage. To go tell anybody. I had to admit to myself. To another human being. And to the creator of God. What was in there. And there were certain things I didn't. I didn't know if I wanted to tell anybody. About that sexual abuse. And what I wrote about it. What was in there. About the terror of it. Then later on when I was older. I also used it for pleasure. I fantasized about it. It wasn't all painful. I couldn't. Think. Of every. Telling anybody. That parts of that. That abuse that took place. And it was my mother's most favorite brother. Everybody loved that young Indian guy. But he was molesting a lot of us. Right from within our own clan. And I had stolen money. There were a lot of things that I had done. I didn't want to tell. So I kept putting it off. I kept putting it off. One Friday. In the afternoon. I started getting that feeling. You know that one like. You get when. You're going to go to the bar. And your mind says you ain't going. But everything says you are going. How your wrists go. They get like this. You know. You get that. And it was building up. And it was coming on strong. And I knew what was going down. I had been to enough of your meetings to find out. I was either going to fist up or drink. And so I waited as long as I could. And I knew what I had to do. So I called Frank. And they had just taken him to the hospital. He went home. So I called this other guy. That I kind of trusted. And. He went home. I called this third guy. And he was there. And you know when you don't know. You know that's kind of a personal thing there. To see if you can get a fifth step going. I didn't really know this guy. But I used to listen to him in the meetings. I had respect for him. And I couldn't get myself to ask him. But he guessed it. He said you want to do a fifth step don't you? And I said man I do. He said come on over yourself. Put on the copy. So we went over there. And what I didn't tell him was. I did my inventory. I had it in a. Folder. Like I was shown. But the dark crannies. I wrote it separate. And I stuck it in my pocket. So I got over there. And I read everything that was in that folder. And when we were done. He said you. You got everything? I said yeah. Boy that was really rough. Wasn't it? And so. He was making some more copy. And then he started to tell me. Just something about when he fifth stepped. His first one. Man he had some juicy stuff in there. That he was telling me you know. And so finally. There was like this little voice inside. Just said. For God's sakes. Just be honest one time in your life. Just one time. Do it. And so I told him. I said I have some more. Because I really thought to myself. You know I thought. You know if he tells on me. I'll tell on him. He told me some really juicy shit. You know. So I thought I had him. But I had no idea about freedom. I didn't know. That he was free. And I wasn't. I was you know still in that mode. And so. I took that. Those documents. And I started to read. Everything. All the sick stuff. The sick sexual stuff. Just the sick and money. And things I stole. And things I did. And I told everything. I read that. And I had a hard time. First. And I just. Because I just. My stomach was just like sick. And he just put his. He said look. Just do. Do one more. Do one more. He said God loves you. He said God's crazy about you. Just do another one. And he just encouraged me. As I went through each one of those. And so I did read it all. When that was finished. He said you go back home. And he showed me the instructions. In that big book. What he says to do when you get home. He says first you thank God. From the bottom of your heart. That you know him better. And then he showed me the promises. Of the fifth step. And he said you claim those promises. Then he said I'm going to sit here by my phone. You're to review this first five proposals. To see. Did you leave out anything? And so I did. I reviewed those proposals. Like he said. And then when it was finished. I saw that in my resentment inventory. And sex inventory. And fear. I had my list of character defects. For step six and seven. It's all interconnected. And so I took those character defects. And I said that prayer. And I had some hard times at first. When I first started six and seven. Because it seemed like every time I tried it. It got worse. It didn't get better. And so I thought. I must be doing something wrong. So then I go to meetings. And talk. And it always seemed like. Once I do it again. It got worse. It didn't get better. And one day I was in this meeting. And I heard this story. About step six and seven. This guy was talking about. He said. He said let's just say. That you're going to bake a cake. Get the oven. You set it to 350 or whatever. You get the pan. You put in flour. The sugar. And milk. And all that stuff. To make that cake. And he said. You stir it in that pan. And take a spatula. You smooth it out. Then he said. If you want that cake to bake. He said. You got to open up the oven door. And you got to stick that cake in there. And you got to close the door. And then let the stove do its thing. It'll do its thing. And he said. That's the way step six and seven is. But he said. The way you do it. He said. You make the cake. You do that all in there. You stick it in the oven. Then you open up. Am I done yet? Am I baked yet? How about now? Not yet? How about this? So I kept. Opening up the door. And he said. That is about. Letting the creator bake you. Once you say. I'm willing. To let you have the defect. He says. There's nothing more for you. To do. Quit peeking. Just don't peek no more. Just leave it be. And actually. He told me. Later on. He said that. When that struggle starts. It means it's working. Because conflict precedes clarity. There's a principle. In our medicinal teachings. It talks about that. That. That there's a connectedness. Between the conflict. And the clarity. But I didn't know that. And so. I did steps six and seven. Then I got into steps eight and nine. And again. From my inventory list. I had a list of people. Where I had to make my amends. And I had a lot of amends. To make. My sponsor. Was a firm believer. In making those amends. In person. And he was a firm believer. In writing those out. He circled every paragraph. In that part. Where the amends are. And he says. There's an introduction. There's the meat. And there's a closing. And he showed me how to do that. How to make those amends. But I had to write them out. Because he said. You always change your mind. If it gets rough. You won't change it. So you've got to write it out. And let me see it. And that was really true. And so I started making those amends. So it was like me. I made the amends. In easy, medium, and hard. Three columns. And I arranged them in an order. So when I tried three. Four easy amends. And people were just cool. They were forgiving and loving. I thought. This is cool. This has nothing to it. So I went over. I picked a medium amend. I said. I'm going to try one of those. So when I made this amend. I wrote it out and everything. And I got done with the amend. And I was waiting for the hug. You know. And she said to me. She said. Are you done? And I said. Yes, I am. She said. Well, that didn't have to shit. You did. She said. Let me tell you what should really be in your amends. And then. She went. And she taught me the rest of the stuff. So I got in a big argument with her. I says. You know. And I told her. I stuff it. And I. You know. I come back. And Frankie said. He says. The first time. He's ever had somebody. Had to make amends. For an amend. You know. Like one of those. And you get. It's really humbling. When you got to go back. And everything she said. That was true. I had to put in her. And admit that too. But I made it through the amends. And then. Eventually. I got into the step. 10 and 11. The maintenance steps. And. That was good. And it still is good today. But the way that I was sponsored. I go through the steps. Every year. Because Frank told me. He says. Not everybody does. This is only the way I was sponsored. And the way that he was sponsored. He says. Because in this program. He said. It's about the ego. And he says. The ego works. On where you have your shit together. Right where you think you're just sweet. And nice. And hot. And so. Kind and loving. Right there is where it's working. And he says. You go through those steps. He says. To find that out again. So I went through that. And I did that. And when I got to be four years sober. I say. In a period of maybe 30 days. I put. I went to. I hung around. Growing people in AA. When I hear somebody slip. I go take them for coffee. To know what. Why did you slip. I wanted to know everything. You know. I really. I watched that. The ones that I talked to. 25 of them. That I talked to. That slip. Had five years over sobriety. Quit going to meetings. That's the one thing they had in common. So then I said. That's it. I'll never quit going to meetings. No matter what. I'll always go. Because I don't want to make that journey. And so. I go through the steps every year. So four years sober. In a period of about 30 days. All of a sudden. I went nuts. I felt. I was. Just crazy. I was in a basket case. I go to meetings. I hated meetings. And I hated. The drunk-a-logs. And the big books sucked. And I didn't want to pray in the mornings. And you know. I hated your. Keep coming back. You know. And all that crap. And so. Out of desperation. I went to see my friend. Johnny Looking Club. He was in the program too. And I went up to him. His. Sue. And I told him. What was going on. And. I was really scared. Because nothing was working. He said to me. He said. How long are you sober now? I told him. Exactly. I told him. He said. Oh. You're right where you're supposed to be. You're right on schedule. And you know. When you're in it. Up to here. You don't want to hear. God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Yes he does. God gives me more than I can handle. That's how I look at it. Or take it one day at a time. You know. You take it one day at a time. This is a crisis. You know. Live in the now. Poo. You know. All that. But he explained to me. He said. About the cycle of life. And he said. Every salmon. Every bird. Every tree. Goes through circles. Seasons. Spring. Summer. Fall. Winter. Everything goes that way. And he said. When you come into recovery. It's the same way. But he said. The human being. Our circle. Is four years. He said. You come in. When that life force hits. It's like. The sap flowing in an oak tree. And then you start to bud. And you start to get it. Then the second year ran. That you're in. It's a bud. It's a. It's when the leaves unfold. You kind of settle out. The third year. Is your harvest. That's that. Season. You can do nothing wrong. It's not that you don't get flat tires. You do. But right in front of the gas station. You know. Like that. Then he said. There comes that time. When that tree. Has to lose all of its leaves. And when that happens. He said. That tree is saying. What the hell. Is happening to me. I'm not shaped. How I was. I don't look how I am. And he said. Every. Four years. The creator takes your beliefs. That you used to build. And he. Takes the meaning of them away. And what happens. You appear lost. He says. You shift. Into another circle. Like an orbit. Then you go into that new orbit. And he says. What you do. Is you try. You try that stuff. From the old circle. And it doesn't work. He said. Because you. You. Very subtly. You create a system of pocket gods. And this is about. Only God. Keeps you sober. He says. So you learn over three years. You get in trouble. God. Will go to a meeting. Meeting. Gets me sober. Or you get in trouble. You call my sponsor. Sponsor keeps me sober. The big book keeps me sober. He said. It don't keep you sober. Only God keeps you sober. But you start to trust. Something before the creator. Or God. And so. He says. That's why. Everything goes away. And so. I learn now. To work the steps. A certain way. For three years. And the fourth years. I put everything on the altar. We call it. I put the big book. The twelve steps. Sponsors. Sponsors. Relationships. Family. I put it on the altar. And the only thing I hang on to. Is trusting God. Every four years. I give it all up. Not. Then what happens. As soon as you do that. All of a sudden. The big book becomes new. And the AA groups get smart. And sponsors are cool again. You know. It's like that. That's how it seems. And so. That's the way I do it. That's the way that I was taught. I went through that. The part is. Sometimes. It's hard for me to believe. It's. It's. Maybe. What it's like now. You know. You come in. And everything's. Everything's gone. And you kind of see no hope. Of anything ever happening. So all I ever do. Is work steps. I just. Today. I refer to those steps. As being sacred. That's how. I see them. When I was about seven or eight years sober. I think it was. I was still in my mind. And. I was. By then. I started to return to the culture. And I saw this as two paths. It was like the AA path. And the Indian path. And. So. Because you know. You go to AA. I wouldn't mention that. And you go here. And you can't mention this. And. So I. I took those twelve proposals. To a group of elders. And I. I said. I need some clarity on something. I said. There's these twelve steps that. I use. I said. But. Now how about the sweat. And how about the ceremonies. And how about all the other things. And so they had me come into this circle. And. They sat in a circle. And they opened up a door. In the east part of the circle. And I walked in there. He smudged me. And they said. What is it you want to know? And so I held this eagle feather. And I explained to them. They said. Tell me about those twelve steps. Explain them to us the best that you can. So I told them. As best as I could. What you taught me. About those twelve steps. And when they got done. Then they. They closed. They closed that circle. You walk out of there. Then they talked it over amongst themselves. That's how they do it. And you sit on the outside. You can listen. But you can't ask any questions. So I sit out there. And when they got done. They said to us. They said. You know those twelve. Things that you talked about. They said. That's not a white man's program. They said. That's exactly our program. And they said. That program is in natural order. They said. You can't jump around. They said. It's perfectly in natural order. The way that it is. It's designed. They said. The only thing that we would recommend. With those twelve steps. Is they said. Put them in a circle. Because everything is in a circle. And they said. You take steps one, two, three. And you put them in the east. Part of the circle. That's like new day. New beginning. They said. That's the direction. About finding the creator. Then steps four, five, and six. Is in the south. And that's where you find yourself. You now know your strength. And your weaknesses. You know who you are. Seven, eight, nine. They said. You put it in the west. When you make your amends. That's when you find your relatives. To all my relatives. That's where you make your amends. To anything that you would hurt. Not just the human beings. But the animals. And the earth. And all those things that are sacred. That have that life. You have to make amends to all of them. And when you are done with that. Then you find your relations again. Then 10, 11, 12 in the north. They said. That's the elders wisdom. Now you can live through the wisdom. You see of the elders. And so we took those steps. And we put them in a circle. Then I went through this conflict. In life again. During one of the winter seasons. And I left this corporate. And I formed a foundation called White Bison. And I was shortly. Some of you may know. But a while ago. White Buffalo Cap was born in Janesville, Wisconsin. 16 generations. They talked about some day. This White Buffalo Cap will be born. And it will turn the four colors. Turn white again. Then they said shortly afterwards. Three more White Buffalo Caps will be born. And when that happens. We are going to enter into a healing time. Healing time of the human. And so when that happened. And then the elders. There was a vision. In this vision. There was this hoop formed in the sky. And a hundred eagle feathers flew to this hoop. And I took to that vision. To the Sioux elders. My Sioux brother and I. We know who that elder was. We went there to see more. And they asked me questions all day. And they said you need to build that hoop. It means the mending of the hoop. The coming together time. And they said when you get that hoop built. They said build it in a sweat lodge. And put a prayer for every feather that's attached to the hoop. And wrap it in a ribbon. Red, yellow, black and white. All around that hoop. And then bring that hoop up by the White Buffalo Cap. And we took it up. Then they said. You got to bring the spiritual elders from the four directions. Black, red, yellow, white. So we bought over traditional black elders from Africa. Tibetan elders. White elders. Elders from 27 different indigenous nations. And they did this ceremony. And they said. We're going to put into this hoop four powers. And then we're going to send this hoop on a journey. Wherever it goes. People of the four directions will come together. And healing will start to occur. And so the first powers they put into this hoop. Was the powers to forgive the unforgivable. The second powers was the powers of unity. The third was healing powers. And the fourth was hope. And when that ceremony was done. We took that hoop out to the Onondaga Nation. And we went to. There are 32 tribal colleges. Throughout America. And we took this hoop there. And we started to talk about within our Indian nations. To start a well-bridey movement. Not sobriety. Because when we consulted with the elders about this movement. They said sobriety. There's a better word in our own language. So we had to go in our language. And find this word. But the word didn't exist in English. So we had to mix two words to make it so. Because they said. Supposing you're a jerk. And you're drinking. And you just quit drinking. You're sober. But they said there's a lot more to it than that. It isn't just not drinking. It's about healing. And it's about looking inside of a self. There's more to it than just not drinking. And so we called it a well-bridey movement. And we went across the United States. And the Creator allowed us to make this program. Once the elders told us to put it in a circle. We called it the Medicine Wheel in 12 Steps. And we made a videotape. Of the Medicine Wheel in 12 Steps. For men and for women. And as we went through Indian country. We started to recruit people who were in recovery. In our native communities. We didn't care whether they were. Red, yellow, black or white. Two-spirited, one-spirited. It didn't matter. You were sober. We wanted you to help. And so we went and we called them fire starters. That has a great meaning. The fire starter. Very meticulously had a responsibility. To keep the fire. And they started these circles of recovery. Using these Medicine Wheel in 12 Steps. Only difference is they're in a circle. But we added to them. The cycle of life. And culture. And ceremony. And we learned. The elders had us learn to do it differently. Not different but to add our culture to us. So they taught us with every step there's a ceremony. There's even a ceremony before the ceremony. And so we go to the mountains and we do this. It's a ceremony. Staking ceremony. It's about commitment. To make that journey. The third step we take with the Chinupa or the pipe. We do the fifth step in the sweat lodge. Then they taught us when step six and seven you take tobacco like I gave to this elder. Kinikinik. And for every character defect you put it in a tobacco tie and you tie it. Selfishness. Judgmental. Anger. Impatience. Envy. You put it in there. Then you go back into the sweat lodge. And you have them sing the old songs. The sacred songs. The Sundance songs. And people come in there. And when you're in that sweat lodge you take that tobacco tie one at a time and you put it on the grandfathers or the hot rocks. You ask the Creator to take my anger and you put it on that hot rock. And it'll be there for a while. And all of a sudden it'll go poof. It just bursts into flames. And then you do that with each of the character defects. So we were taught that it's not different. It's the same. That's the same way that we heal for thousands of years. It's not different. And so we went across and we recruited 172 fire starters. And out of that we got 100 circles going. Circles of recovery. Then last year a group of 25 of us, we took that sacred hoop to Los Angeles and we made a run for the people. And we ran it from Los Angeles to Washington, D.C. We ran 4,294 miles in 109 days. And we camped wherever it was that we camped. For the people. Not for ourselves. We made that run for the people. And who would ever think that a person coming into AA would be made the keeper of a sacred hoop? I didn't want it when I... Because I said, I know what goes on in here. I'm not ready for that. But they said, yeah, you are ready. That you have to be disciplined in certain things. So we made that run across the United States. And we recruited more fire starter programs. We're making our third hoop run in June and July. 25 cities west of the Mississippi. That run will be dedicated to the healing of women and children. And it will be in that run we are going to make a major effort to get Al-Anon in our communities. And to heal. Because I believe, in fact, nobody gives Al-Anon much credit for how many of us drunks come in here and got sober because of Al-Anon. And so we were able to meet with Al-Anon at their headquarters. And they're going to cooperate and assist with us to get... Because we think that our... Part of our healing to recover from this alcoholism, we need Al-Anon and the Alateens. And we need AA. I know nothing is more effective than this program. Sometimes for me it's sad. I get sad because you have a reservation very close to here. And when I ask that question to, where are they? Where are the brothers and the sisters? If they only knew. What goes on in here? For sure. The power that it has, it's not different. But there's blind spots and things that's been handed down over it. But we must be persistent, you know, to work at that. And so I'm allowed to take that sacred hoop and to participate in this Wellbriety Movement. And I just have to pinch myself sometimes, you know, that I'm doing it, you know. I think, what are you doing there? What are you doing there? But that's the way it is. It's not nothing that I planned. I made this vow every... When I got sober, I said, when I get up in the morning, I'm going to ask that to the Creator when I pray. I said, what do you want me to do today? I think only three days I have not done that. I recall I've done it every day. So I asked for the orders. You know, what am I do today? Then eventually I said, I'm going to pray. Then eventually, as I returned to the culture, I learned that... They told me that when the sun rises, when it first comes up on the horizon like that, and it starts to rise until that sun gets to be a full circle, they say there's a window where prayers are really heard very strong. So now, even if I go back to sleep, I get up through that window to pray. Because there's powers going on there. The birds are waking up. Flowers are singing. There's a whole bunch of things going on there. And they said, join nature. That's what nature. Then you will wake up differently. So I make an attempt to do that every day, to get up in that time. So it's been quite a journey. It has not been perfect at all. But you didn't promise me that either. You told me that if I did certain things, go to meetings, work steps on a regular basis, service work. If I were to do those things, you told me I wouldn't have to drink that much. You told me I wouldn't have to drink again. So far, it's true. So far, everything that you told me is true. You didn't lie. I'm glad you didn't tell me it wouldn't be perfect, because it's not. But you told me I would have the tools. I like the greatest line I love and hate in the Big Book. It says, so basically we think our problems are of your own making. But you know, in some ways, it's the greatest line of hope. Because what if it was true, it was of your making, and then you wouldn't heal it? Then I'd be waiting. I'd have the opportunity to know I'm involved in that. So it's been an honor to be on this journey. I consider those 12 steps to be really sacred. I think that they're holy. That's how I look at it. If it wouldn't disrupt a meeting, I think what I would do is I would stand up. Every time they're read, I think they're that sacred. But I don't like to disrupt anything. But that's how I feel like doing it. Like when an elder walks in, you want to stand up out of respect. That's the respect I have for this meeting. That's the respect I have for this program. So I'll just close with this. In my own tribe, one time, I went back there, and I was drunk. And they got me, and they said, we want you to leave here. We don't want you to ever come back. They said, you get out of here. We don't want you around here. And I left. I came to you, and I was in worse shape. And I came to you, and what you said, no matter what I did, you said, keep coming back. You invited me back. So not that I would ever have to, but if I would ever have to make a choice between my own tribe and you, I would choose you. I wouldn't. How come? Because you said, keep coming back. And you meant it. You weren't kidding. You really meant it. If you hadn't said that, I don't know as I'd have made it. If you hadn't said, God, as you understand Him, I don't think I would have stayed. I couldn't. So I just want to thank you all for that. And for what you have taught me so far. So I'll close with this prayer. I got this from you too. Somewhere. But in this prayer it says, God, thank you for what you've given me. And God, thank you for what you've taken from me. And God, thank you for what you've left me. And what I'm left with is my sobriety, and my home group, and you people. The ones that, there are some of you, you love me enough to tell me what I need to hear. And that's the type of friends I have to have. Because sometimes I don't see. You've got to tell me what I need to hear. Love me enough to tell me. And you do. Thank you all very much.