My Sponsor Wouldn’t Let Me Touch the Fourth Step Until I’d Done a Higher Power Inventory First — Michael R.

And now, it is my pleasure to introduce Michael. Wait, I'm Michael and I'm an alcoholic. It's funny, the first speaker I ever heard was this woman, Grady O, from Sacramento. And she opened it, and I was like six months sober. And I was all about, like, you know, all the angels that were in AA. And she started her story. She said, I finally found out who goes to AA meetings. The same assholes who don't. And I was like, oh, how dare you speak about these glorious people. But my name is Michael. I'm an alcoholic. I'm a real alcoholic. And I am, I'm a fifth generation Irish Catholic. Men in my family were drinkers. And one is currently experiencing his bottom, and one has been sober for quite some time. You know, I was thinking about, it's been a minute since I've told my story. And when I really think about it, my story today, doesn't have a lot to do with how I got here. It has everything to do with why I've been sober for a minute. New adventures and recovery never fade. And back in 2019, my mother called me and she said, I can't take care of your dad anymore by myself. And I said, well, you know, give me a day to clean out the refrigerator, you know, and I'll come home. And I've been there going on six years. But what's interesting is, it's the house that I grew up in where all my cuckoo and crazy started. In the back of my mind, I knew that I had been raised in an alcoholic family. My father was never violent, but he was very passive-aggressive. And the effect that that had on my life was very subtle. And although I had made amends to my parents years ago, there were many pieces of my puzzle that were missing from my childhood. And going back in that environment with a new pair of glasses, so much began to make sense. And I eventually had to move my parents into a facility because my mother has Alzheimer's and my father is wheelchair-bound. So it just got to a point where I couldn't take care of them by myself. Got them settled, and then my older brother bombed out, so he's with me. But what's interesting is that I gather intelligence. I don't snoop, but if something is in a drawer, it's important probably that I find out what that is to make sure my parents medically are being taken care of. So anyway, my mother had this journal that said, Do not under any circumstance read this. I was finding all this crazy stuff. I found all of these letters that my mother had written to my dad's mistresses, which I knew nothing about mistresses, like at all. And yet they were all his secretaries. And so, you know, and it's so weird. Like, I've been single all these years. And I have so many friends that are like, you know, why aren't you in a relationship? Well. Truthfully, I'm an artist by nature, and I don't want anybody shitting my house. And I don't want anybody on my back going, you know, what do you want? I'm like, just leave me alone. I'm being creative. So there you go. And the first time I told my story, like in my inventory, in the sex inventory, well, see, I came out the year 8th hit. So by the time I came in to AA, all my friends were dead except one person. So my choice was, like, have sex and possibly die or just don't go there. Okay. So the first time I told my story, I was so embarrassed that I had not had, like, 20 cash relationships that I just made up relationships. And just went on and on about these tragic, dramatic breakups that didn't exist. So I'm officially making amends that I won't do that this time around. But, yeah, when I was a kid, I was very introverted. I was the little kid that would kind of hide behind his mom's skirt. People kind of frightened me. And one of the things that really plagued me, when I was young, was that I was on the outside looking in. I just, I never felt like I fit in. There were two things, when I was young, I just wanted to be a grown-up. And I just wanted to be fabulous. And I went to great lengths. But what I know today is I did it utterly at the expense of everything that was me to the core. I did a lot of things that, I don't have shame because they're kind of funny now. Like, I pushed a pinto over the Cooper River Bridge in Charleston in stiletto heels. And it, yeah, it went into the river. I had help. I had two other drag queens to help me, but. Yeah, and so I, yeah, I just, I wanted to fit in. And I was in, because I was gay in the 70s and early 80s, you know, I didn't know what all that was about. I mean, there wasn't, you know, nobody talked about it. And it wasn't that my parents, my parents never were condemning of that. It's just that, like, I contacted the guys. Ooh. You know, I didn't know what to do with that. So, at a very young age, I started hiding out. And, you know, the big book talks about us being, you know, the directors. And when I was in fifth and sixth grade, I was bullied a lot. And I went to my mom. She was like, well, just punch him in the face. So, I broke this kid's nose when I was in sixth grade. And, oh, I felt good. You know, I think that's when I, like, tapped into that, like, anger and rage that alcoholics love. You know, it's like the big book talks about resentment. And, oh, my God. Group resentments are the best when you can get all your friends. Like, well, someone said so-and-so. It's like fourth graders on a playground. And that happens in the rooms. But, anyway, in sixth grade, they had initiated intramural where each class competed with another in different sports. Well, I didn't want to, like. But when the teacher was like, you know, do we have ideas? Because everybody had to have a team name. And you had to come up with a theme. And I'm severely dyslexic. So, when I was in school. When I was being taught something that I couldn't comprehend a practical need for. I just, like, stared out the window. And created fabulous places in my mind that I could go when I just needed to check out. And it was that alcoholic, that disassociation that we use alcohol to escape whatever we're feeling. Well, that behavior was instituted in me when I was in sixth grade. The teacher was like, well, Michael, what do you think? And I was like, I think we should be called Knicks, Knights. And we should be like the Knights of the Round Table. And outside, there's a wooded area. And we should set up tents. And we should hang out like the Knights, like Robin Hood. And the Knights of the Round Table. And we should carry banners that have Knicks as Knights. And we should print t-shirts. Well, of course, all the kids were like, yeah! Like, that's so cool. So, I learned that if I could, if I could make other people look better than me. Then the focus would be taken. And that started a lifelong trend of doing that. Because I was a doormat. You know, if you wanted to, you know, screw me over, you know, do it. So, you know, I didn't know anything about any of that stuff. So, that started. So, I was hiding out from who I genuinely was. And I was making everybody look better just to survive and get through things. And when I, after I graduated, I went to a two-night program at the Art Institute of Atlanta. Which were primarily adults that wanted to change. To change their careers. So, we went to Dante's Down the Hatch on a t-shirt. And I got blistered. And really drunk. And, you know, what I know today is when it came to being introverted. And I think most alcoholics are introverted, extrovert. That we use, go on yet, to please my parents. And get, like, a real degree. So, I chose the College of Charleston in Charleston, South Carolina. Which is a beautiful, beautiful campus. It's a magnificent city. It's cultured and fabulous. But you can get into a hell of a lot of trouble in Charleston, South Carolina. And the first, the girl that I was dating at the time, bless her heart, took me to the first gay bar I went to. And I guess she would classify as a classic fag hag. And left out with me. But when I walked in, this drag queen walked in. And she had this white turban on. And this white glowing cape. And stilettos. And a, kind of a fancy version of Hillary Clinton pantsuit. And I was like, in that moment, I was like. Because I realized when she walked in, every single person in the club dropped what they were doing. And I was like, you know. So, I became, and I know that it's an outside issue. But I'll use the word once. I became a cocaine dealing drag queen. I had this blue, this silver sequined dress that had gigantic, like, Dolly Parton boobs. But the boobs were hollow. And I kept baggies in one boot. And I put cash in the other. And I was wearing a club. Now, the problem was that they were bringing the cocaine in on the nuclear subs via. Anybody tells you that our military is not involved. So, a few truthfully, you know, when I said that, I was like, that was nuts. I did that for a while. But a couple people, like, got in trouble. And somebody was like, this is not a good career. I'm in the theater industry as a costume designer for 20 years. I had a very successful career. It's an official story. So, I got into that. And then attended. Stand in the urinal. I'll do my business. And this old man came in. And he's, like, checking me out. Like, this is gross. Like, you nasty old man. And, you know, gave him a finger. And I left. And my friends were like, do you know who that was? And I was like, some dirty old man. They're like, no, that's Giancarlo Minotti, the famous Italian opera composer. Who's in town. That's what this ball is for. Because he's bringing a new production to Spoleto. And I'm like, oh, shit. No. So, I dusted myself off and powdered my nose and made nice. And I went to his table. And he said, hi. And he said, well, you know, hello. What do you do? And I lied. I was like, I'm a costume designer. Well, oh, my God. No lie. The man got me a job designing part of the production for his show the next season. And ironically, that gave me the credential. So, I did that. Kept drinking. You know, drinking. It's like I could go on. Of course, there was the thing with the pinto on the bridge. Truthfully, that should be filmed. That was me. And we stole the pinto. And it broke down on the bridge. But it broke down, like, on the incline before we had gotten to the top. And it was, like, just like it was teetering on the top. And there was a nuclear sub coming in down the river. So, of course, we were exhausted. I mean, we were in Spoletos in, like, fancy dresses and head pieces. And we thought, well. You know, okay, let's take a break. Let's smoke a cigarette and watch, you know, watch the nuclear sub come in. So, picture three drag queens looking at the bridge, smoking a cigarette. Well, behind, the pinto starts moving. And we didn't know the pinto was moving. And by the time we realized, it was, like, halfway down the other side of the bridge. It was like, now, did we panic? We were like, no, let's just walk home. Because our place was just across the bridge. And there was a 24-hour broker that had two employees. And there were always four or five of us. And we would go to Kroger. And we had this girlfriend named Edomar Forme who worked out the Navy base. And she was kind of a large girl. But she could take a whole ham and hold it between her legs and walk out of the store. And she was a great cook. Three of us would entertain the staff while the other drag queens went and stole dinner. And we would go home and party and cook it up. And eventually, that came to a rippling end. And it was my first bottom. I realized, I'm like, okay, this is, like, this just is not working out. So I came back to Atlanta, got a position with a company here that made costumes. I'm not really sure what I did. But it was not nice. It was not. And I submitted that they bought. Like, well, Dad, they must have been, like, you know, a family of means to have done that. But there was an organization, a Catholic organization that was an abstinence organization. It was a precursor of coming to the damn newspaper that, you know. I told her what had happened. And, you know, I know for myself that that morning in front of the mirror, that was my first step. I had surrendered. You know, I knew, even though it was a moment of clarity, I knew that I just, I could not function anymore like that. When it came to God, I had some issues. A few issues. My sponsor used to tell me, she was like, you are so damn angry. I'm like, I'm not angry, God damn it. But I was. You know, I was angry at everything. And she said, and she was brilliant. She said, you know, before we get in. Before we get into this, like, fourth step thing. She said, I really think, she said, you need to do a God inventory. And I'm like, a God inventory? And she said, yeah. She said, I want you to spend some time. And she said, you know, did you believe in God when you were a kid? I said, yeah, of course I did. And she said, well, I want you to think about that. And I did. And when we met next, and I had done some writing and journaling about it. She framed it. She said, when was the youngest you were where you felt a presence of something out there? I said, well, I thought about it. I wrote about it. And truthfully, it was when, and I had to have been maybe two, maybe three at the most. And we were at the cathedral in Buckhead. And I can remember my father, I was looking back at the organ. And the stained glass windows were just, I can remember looking at the sun coming through the windows and how beautiful they were. And when we would go down the aisles, I would always put my hand on the stone because it was so cool. I would stand with my back against it because it was so cool. And when the organ would play, there was the reverberation of the bass. With all of that, as a child, I can remember thinking, there's something different about inside this place that's different from outside. And I shared that with my small child. She said, that's good. I checked out. I mean, when I was small, I was like, okay, Mary got pregnant, you know, poof, you know, and, you know, popped out Jesus. And he had this really cool life. And he was a cool dude. You know, he took care of people. And that was enough for me. I didn't need anything more. And that's what I did. And that's what I did. So that was where I started. Now, I've done chakras and Buddha and my little altar at home. I have Kuan Yin, Buddha, and chimes and ding, ding, dings. And when I'm feeling stressed, I light it all up because I believe in covering all my bases. So I can't really describe what my HP is. And I don't think anybody really can. But if somebody wants to talk to me about their journey with that, you know, I'm happy to do it. You know, the 12th step says that having had a spiritual awakening is the result. The result of these steps, we try to carry this message. From beginning to end is about the two pretty big four steps. The first one. The second one was the one that really I got into nitty gritty. You know, I was so disconnected from any kind of reality. When I did my first four step, I could equate what was really getting messed up. A lot of that, the behavior started before that. So my second inventory, I got into that. You know, the big book tells us. And I think it's one of the most important statements in the whole book. It says we have to get to the causes and conditions. Because if we don't get to the causes and conditions, you know, we're not going to know what it is behaviorally that we need to change. So I had all these resentments, like pages and pages of resentments. And my second sponsor had lived his life in Japan and had been an English professor. And he'd moved back to Atlanta. And I was having issues with. My ego was still not in check. I thought I was just the most unique thing in the world. And he called me over before I did my fourth step. And in his living room, he had this little table that was like down by the end, little pillows. And it was painted like this really gay yellow canary yellow. Yeah, really gay. And in the center of the table was this little, this beautiful, like blood red porcelain dish of sand. We sat down. And he had these little. Chopsticks. And he was like, Mr. Miyagi, put the chopsticks. And he reached into the bowl and, and, and like picked up some sand and was like, and ended up with like one grain of sand in the chopsticks. And he said, give me your hand. So he put the grain in my hand. And he said, I'm going to leave you alone. He said, I want you to think of that one grain as the entirety of your soul. Think of that grain of sand as you. And I'm like, okay. So he left me alone for about 15 minutes. And I'm like, well, hello. And so I did what he told me to do. I didn't think a thing about it. And he came back in and he took the chopsticks and was like, you know, picked it up and he dropped it back in the bowl of sand. And then he took the chopsticks and he stirred the sand up and he poured the whole bowl out on top of the table. And he said, I want you to find your grain of sand. And I was like, but well, I couldn't. And that was the lesson. And still to this day, when I get into the me, me, me, you know, the big book talks about it, you know, self-will. And I think that the world should revolve around me. I always think of that grain of sand. And I'm like, you know, a person, when I get angry, when I get angry at the teller, I think everybody's against me. She didn't give a shit. She's working her ass off. And I'm probably being an asshole to her. You know, and, you know, I just, I'm not that important. And I so needed to learn that in recovery. Because until I learned that, I didn't have a chance in hell to find out who it was. Now, I'm. I'm loud and boisterous. And, yeah, I'm one of the assholes of AA. Anyone who spends any time talking to me knows that there's a place for that. Like, if I can be entertaining enough for you to listen to what I'm saying, but if you can get your little piece of sand out of it, then I've done my job. And the other thing with humility is there have been many people that, after being in my heart, I wanted them to get sober. And they didn't. And what I know about that, In 1999, I'm pointing to the people that I meet in these rooms. And I can share my story. But the only thing I have is my story. And if somebody takes that and does something with it, fine, that's, ah, that's beautiful. But if they don't, that's not about me. It's like everyone needs to find their connection. And the other most important line that's in the big book is the paragraph before a vision for you. And I'm paraphrasing, but I'm right. But it's talking about, you know, being concerned that, when those who have gone before us are no longer around, you know, what are we going to do? And the big book says, you will create the fellowship you crave. If you're in a meeting and you don't connect with people in that meeting, go to another meeting. You know, you'll find your piece. And as I slowly discovered who I was, then I began to find who my piece are. The beauty of AA is we're all each other's piece. But we let our egos get in the way. We let our judgment get in the way. Get in the way. And it's one of the reasons that I, have always meetings where there are a lot of new people, because honest to God, it's the newcomer that's five days off the cuckoo train that will share something so honest and so deep and so real. And they don't even know what they shared. You know, a lot of my friends, if everybody that got sober left AA, it wouldn't be any AA. It's important to me. Not because I'm some kind of special guru, but you know, I needed a lot of different kinds of people. I needed the people that said, I need the people that pissed me off. And I need the people that I loved. You know, when there's huge resentment towards this woman that she just was not going to behave. She was not behaving right. And I just knew if she would listen to me and do things my way, she would be much happier. And so would I. So I talked to my sponsor about it. And I had gone like, Fran just caved in my head. And I had had this conversation with her, which I of course never included her in. And I thought, if I agreed, I will go talk to her. And I figured in my head, if I can just explain to her what a horrible person she is, she will embrace me and say, thank you. I will change everything about me so that you are happy. And so I did that. And then as she looked at me, she did not skip a beat. She said, Michael, yeah, you obviously have a real resentment towards me. What are you going to do about it? What? I had learned from that rub. Love me enough to tell me the truth. These people are like, oh, you can't take anybody's inventory. Well, hell, that could kill them. You know, it's important. It's important, you know, for my sponsors. Like, you're being a real ass, Michael. Like, what's going on? And it's also why it's so important to go to in-person meetings. Because if you don't have a home group and you don't get to know enough people that understand your behavior, that when you're acting out or when I'm acting out, and I don't even know I'm acting out, they can call me on it. And say, what is going on? Because you are behaving now the way you said you used to behave when you were using. And inevitably, over the years, when I have witnessed that in somebody, they have already relapsed in their head. It's just a matter of time before they're out the door. And as far as my resentments, getting back to my resentment list, it was endless. And this guy from Japan, he was like, Michael, he was like, have you, like, checked out the Seven Deadly Sins and the 12 and 12? I'm like, ugh. And, you know, pride, anger, envy. He said, well, what I want you to do, he said, this is a very, it's a very thorough list. He said, but I want you to take this list of these seven little things. And I want you to start drawing a line of what you're describing and see. And of course, I went through the whole list and everything that I thought was different or weird about me to those seven little things. And he gave me a necklace that had seven aurora borealis. Crystal's on it. And he said, these, he said, I want you to wear this until you don't need to wear it anymore because you need to do some work on your character defects. And he said, the reason that the beads are wore borealis is that in the sunlight, and depending on where the bead turns, it always looks like it's a different bead, but it's the same bead. And he said, I want you to wear that. And I wore that, and every time I tell you about it, one night I reached to take it. So I thought, okay, maybe my entropy was, you know, admitting to God, to ourselves, you know, I needed to do that. That's, it wasn't that I was like, oh, you know, because truthfully to this day, if I saw a burning bush, I'd, bush, I'd pee on it, put it out. You know, so sponsors have always told me to pay attention. You know, when God's telling someone else the things that I was ashamed of, the things that I had fear over, couldn't major amend. There was not a single person that I had. Years ago when I was a company in Buckhead, and I had not seen this woman in 20 years, and literally out of the blue, she just walked. I pulled her aside. I said, look, you know, Chicago, of all things, and this guy that I owed an amends to, like literally out of the blue. It was, it was, and to this day, I'm like, okay, wish that I could say that it was easy. You know, I don't tell newcomers. And I tell them, I said, it's going to be uncomfortable. It's going to get weird, but you don't have to drink. And I think that's an honest thing to tell someone who's getting started. And you know, with time and kind of getting a groove and working the steps, yeah, I can deal, I can deal with anything. I mean, Lord knows. I mean, I used to start my story, because I have two brothers, I used to say, well, my older brother did everything right. My little brother did, I did everything wrong, and my little brother had choices. And you know, of course, the weird thing is, my older brother's currently having his bottom, and his life has been a disaster. My little brother got sober 14 years ago, and having done, that that would have been the case. And I think being engaged in situations, and you know, I truly believe the 10th step, which meant that I could cut the fool and just be an asshole, because I can always go back and pray and meditate and apologize later. That's not what it's about. That's not what it's about. You know, I'm supposed to do that daily. And I can say today that a lot of time doesn't cost, when I find that I have like overstepped a boundary that I need to make amends for, you know, I'm pretty quick to do it. And the other thing about the amends thing, particularly when it comes to, if I have, if something I had said to somebody has upset them, that the 11th step is to grow up Catholic. So, you know, Virgin Mary and Jesus, and you know, all the apostles, and God knows all the saints that they have. They have a saint for everything. I encourage people to explore. You know, I thought that living a spiritual life for years was that the spiritual life was going to be like, poof, you know, spiritual, okay, I'm happily ever after. But continue to act. I think there's only one way that I'm probably not seeing something that is so important to me. But I need to be in the environment of new people. Because that's, because when I talk to a new person, if I'm not practicing what I'm preaching, I immediately know I am talking a bunch of bullshit. But when I talk about my experience and what I've been willing to do, it comes in here thinking, you know, how can I play this room? You know, because I know today I can walk into a room full of a thousand people and in five minutes, I know exactly who I need to be to fit in and be fabulous. In some way, behavior, oh, my character defects, I rode every one of those bitches till the wheel fell off. And then I would say, oh, oh, I'll let go of it now. I'm sure they can share that with me. But it's a beautiful program you can identify with.