My Sponsor Said Believing That She Believes Was Chink Enough in the Armor for Step 2 – Claire L.

All right, let's have an AA meeting. My name is Chris Ward. I'm a grateful, recovered alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NABBA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one or a year more of sobriety tells his or her story. Hi, I'm Carrie. I'm an alcoholic. And this reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them too. I must have this thing. Tonight's speaker is Claire L. And I will tell you that I met Claire a little over seven years ago. And I have watched Claire very bravely and very honestly work all 12 steps. And I have seen her go from how she came in, which I'll let her tell you about, to becoming the woman that she is today, which is a woman of incredible integrity. And honesty. And though I am Claire's sponsor, Claire has helped me very often in the seven years that we have been together. So listen up. She has quite a story to tell you and you can learn a lot from this lady. Here's Claire. Hey, everybody. I'm Claire. I'm an alcoholic. And I'm really glad to be here tonight. I appreciate Tim asking me to be here. Nava feels like home to me. And it's the first place I came when I was trying to get sober. And I'll tell you about that. But anyway, my sobriety date is October 7th, 2009. And my home group is the Fifth Tradition Group. And I have a sponsor. And I sponsor other women. And I was born in Columbus, Georgia. So not too far from here, about 100 miles south. I'm an only child. And I was born of... My dad is an alcoholic and a drug addict. His drug of choice is cocaine. And my mom's... And dad's family is kind of like a little bit wild and crazy with a bad reputation. And they're from Columbus. And my mother's family is from a place that has a pretty bad reputation. But they don't have bad reputations. They're from Phoenix City. So if you know... It's just a... They're Chattahoochee separates the two places. So my mom's family is kind of from like the wrong side of the tracks. Although, because that's what Phoenix City is kind of considered down there. But they are like deacons in the church. Southern Baptists never have had a drink in their whole lives, you know. And my dad's family is like borderline like mafia. They own a liquor store in Columbus. And, you know, they have not very good reputations. So my dad has two younger brothers. And a sister. And his two younger brothers were also drug addicts and alcoholics. And so, anyway, that's the family dynamic. And, you know, when I was growing up, there was a lot of violence in my household. It was a scary place to be sometimes. Because dad, you know, was kind of out of control a lot. And I feel like that fear kind of got passed along to me through my mother. Although I was never the direct recipient of any violence, my mother was a lot. And so, anyway, my parents ended up divorcing in 1977. And I was seven. And that, it was due to the fact that dad had done cocaine in front of me. Really, that was the final straw. Because I came home after I had been with him. And I said, Mama, I saw dad. He put some white stuff up his nose. And he and she decided, you know, at risk of all the things he said he was going to do to her, she divorced him. So that was a good thing. We got away from him and all the chaos. And we moved into my grandparents' house, her parents. And so we were, you know, in a safe place. And we stayed there with them for about a year. And right after my parents decided to get a divorce, my dad's youngest brother, Tommy, died. And Tommy died of a drug addiction. He died of a drug overdose at the Martinique Hotel down on Veterans Parkway in Columbus. And he died of an overdose on a speedball. And my younger cousin, who's also an only child, is named Tommy, too. And Tommy, little Tommy, went to school with me a couple days later. And we didn't know much about the details surrounding Tommy's death, big Tommy's death. And we found out from a friend of mine at the lunch table that Tommy had died of a drug addict, Tommy had a drug overdose. And they had found needles in his room. You know, we, you know, we knew we were different at that point, you know. And those are the types of things, I tell you that for two reasons. Because, you know, he kind of set us apart a little bit. It's definitely not why I'm an alcoholic or why I became an alcoholic. These are just the events that happened in my childhood. But these are the types of things that happen to children of alcoholics and drug addicts. You know, you grow up pretty fast. You learn things. You learn pretty, you know, quickly that maybe you shouldn't learn at age seven. But that's just the fact, the fact of life. And that's part of my story. And anyway, so because of, you know, my dad and his experiences, I was sort of programmed to say these three nevers. I said I would never take a drink. I would never do drugs. And I would never live with a person that was violent. Or marry a violent man. And so, anyway, fast forward to, well, something else pivotal is dad got sober when I was about 12. So he got sober finally, you know, he tried several times and he finally got sober through AA. And so I knew from childhood because of his experience, you know, about AA. And I knew that AA was a safe place and it was really a miracle worker in our lives because we got my dad back. And, you know, I went to meetings every now and then. My mother did not participate in Al-Anon. She, of course, didn't want the alcoholic stigma. But, anyway, that's another story. But anyway, so he got sober through AA. And our lives changed because of that. You know, my dad walked back kind of in my life. He was part of my life again. And it was wonderful. It was, you know, like I wasn't, I didn't have to be ashamed of him anymore. And, or afraid of him anymore, actually. So, anyway, that, you know, was great. And then, so in high school, you know, I had these I-nevers. Well, a lot of my friends were drinking. And I was a sophomore in high school. I was 15. And prior to this, I had, like, been a member of the Know Is Okay Club, the Know A Thought Club. And we came to the Pride Conference in Atlanta. And we sang songs about how we're never going to drink and, you know, all this stuff. And, well, one night, you know, I was with these friends. And they were, like, the cool friends. And they had some Bartles and James, you know, wine coolers. And so they're like, oh, come on. It's no big deal. And so I was like, okay, well, I'll just try it. And, I mean, I remember that night like it was yesterday. I mean, my world changed. You know, the light came on. And, you know, angels came down from the heavens. And, I mean, I had, like, arrived. I mean, it was, you know. It was life-changing for me. I felt like, you know. I mean, you hear people say, you know, I felt like my skin fit for the first time ever. And I can relate to that because I just felt. I had always felt uncomfortable. I was always, like, I was the poor kid with the drug addict dad in this rich person's school. Okay. So I went to this little private school all my life from when I was three to when I was in 12th grade. And so I was different, you know. I felt different because of that. And then when I took that first drink, it was just like I have arrived, you know. I was always popular and people really, you know, liked me and stuff. But then I became the ringleader, you know. And I was looking back at a journal that I had written my senior year. And, you know, everything kind of changed after that as far as, like, grades and things like that go. I mean, I was a really, really good student. You know, I kind of had everything together. I was in National Honor Society. And then in my journal it says, On probation in National Honor Society, midterm grades were terrible, you know. And so everything sort of revolved from the point that I started drinking. Everything revolved around where's the party. I was the party girl. You know, my focus was no longer, like, grades and getting in a good college and all that stuff. It was just like, let's figure out whose parents are out of town and, you know, let's go to their house. And if your parents were out of town, buddy, you were having a party. I mean, I was calling everybody. I was calling everybody saying, this person's parents are out of town. And, you know, I was started from the get-go. I was a blackout drinker almost immediately. In that journal I was reading, I mean, it tells about, you know, I don't remember this or whatever. And it tells about lying to my mom and staying out until, you know, 5 in the morning, telling this person's mom we were spending the night with this person. And, you know, this person's mom we were spending the night with this person. And, you know, making it happen, you know, because we had to find our drinks. And anyway. Um, so that was sort of the beginning of things. So I had already, you know, that first I never became true at age 15. And I was kind of off to the races. And it was fun, you know, for a really long time. I mean, high school, those things were fun. I mean, that was just kind of what we did in Columbus. Columbus is a party town. I mean, it has a reputation for partiers and crazy people. And, you know, a lot of small southern towns do. But Columbus. Columbus. Columbus. Columbus. Columbus. It's kind of like, I mean, I even run into people now and they're like, oh, you're from Columbus. You know about that place. So, um, anyway, the time got to be where I, you know, had to make a decision on where to go to college. And I chose to go to USC in California. It's in Los Angeles. And, you know, everybody knows the Trojans, right? Um, and the reason I chose USC is because it had gotten voted the number one party school in the country by Playboy the year before. Um, and the reason I chose USC is because it had gotten voted the number one party school in the country by Playboy the year before. So, that was pretty much my sole reason for going to USC. And the fact that they did have a good sorority and fraternity system. That was like a number one and a good football team. So, um, you know, I didn't think a thing about, like, uh, academics or anything like that. It was just, like, the focus was partying. And that is exactly what I did. I went there. Um, you know, I had anonymity there. I wanted to be anonymous. I did not. I didn't want my parents and the busybody parents in Columbus knowing what I was doing. Because if I had gone to Georgia or Auburn, you know, or any of these schools around here, like, they still were going to be up in our business. And, you know, all that stuff. And, um, so, I wanted to go somewhere far away. And also, you know, I felt so burdened by my family and the pressures they put upon me. And, you know, I had lost my childhood. And, I mean, already. Already, all that stuff was going on in my head. Like, I had to get away from these burdensome, you know, people. And so, um, anyway, I flew the coop. I went to L.A. at 18. And, um, I mean, I had a great time. It was so much fun. I started smoking pot pretty much every day, almost immediately. Because I met my best friend, Ned. He's still my best friend. And, um, he'll come into my story a little later. But, anyway, I started smoking pot almost immediately with Ned. And, um. You know, I just found the party. Again. I mean, I. There was this campus bar. One of our main campus bars is called the 901 Club. And it is on Figueroa Street. It's 901 Figueroa is the address. And so, um, you know, I was at the 901 every single night. Literally every single night of that year. Freshman year. And I, um, I was there a ton. Sophomore year. And, you know, every year. But. You know, I, um, one thing about college. I'll tell a couple of things about college. So, my junior year, um, so the 901 is our most popular bar, right? And our junior year, um, we have these two yearbooks. One is like a Greek person yearbook. And, of course, I joined a sorority and was doing all the fraternity parties and stuff. And then one is a regular yearbook, like the formal one that the university has. And so, in the Greek person yearbook, we have. These, um, things like most likely to whatever. So, um, yours truly got voted most likely to own stock in the 9-0. Um, her junior year. And, you know, that was funny and everything. Um, and, of course, I laughed it off. Like, I laughed off everything. You know, um, but it was getting to be like that kind of stuff kind of wasn't funny. You know, it would hit me like. In the gut, you know. And I would laugh it off and pretend like it was funny. But, you know, here I was at USC in the land of the beautiful people. And, I mean, that school has, you know, the people are gorgeous. And it's Southern California. And here I was, you know, really, really fat, for one thing, from drinking so much beer. But also, just here I was, you know, I'm the girl, you know, the biggest drinker on campus. You know, a female drinker. And, you know, I was blacking out. And doing things that I didn't want to do. Um, you know, and things that I regretted. And, um, you know, it progressed. I mean, it was progressing, for sure. You know, my friends, um, would say, like, one night we were going out. And my friends started going, um, not it, not it, not it. And I was like, what are you all talking about? And they're like, oh, we're saying, you know, not it, to see who gets to take care of you at the end of the night. Like, whoever was the last one that said not it was the one that got assigned to take care of me. And, you know, I was doing things like, um, one night, they left me in the car on Sunset Boulevard at this popular club called Bar One. And, um, I, it was one of those CC, you know, up hip and happening clubs that we always wanted to go to. And it's like, they left me in the car because I was too drunk to get in. And they locked me in the car. And I went out. Um, I escaped from the car. I guess I woke up. And they were inside the bar. And it was my cousin Tommy who had moved to L.A. too. And, um, then a couple of his friends from out of town. And so I woke up and I was in a parking structure. And I remember wandering around the parking structure trying to get out. Because sometimes, you know, when you're drunk, you kind of get lost. And, um, so I got lost in that parking structure. And I found my way out at Sunset Boulevard. And I remember flagging down a car, a Mercedes, with a man in it. But after that, I do not remember. I do not remember a thing. And I do not remember how I got home. Because I got home a few hours later. But I have no idea to this day who that was or what happened. You know, I told my cousin Tommy, I was home by the time they got home. So I think it was maybe, you know, two hours later. It wasn't an inordinate amount of time. But, um, you know, they were, Tommy was just like, I can't believe that. Like, you could have, you know, these terrible things, you know, could have happened. Um, anyway. So it was things like that, you know, that were happening. And, but I met my, my husband my junior year. And his name was Van. And he was not my husband, you know, until later, of course. But he was, like, the biggest partier I'd ever seen in my life. And I just, from the get-go, I mean, I loved him. I mean, it was, you know, because I just wanted to be with, you know, the person that could drink the most. The person that could do the most drugs. The person that could, you know. Because by that time, we had progressed. We were doing, you know, Vicodin. We were doing Ecstasy was in vogue. I guess, I don't know if it still is or not. But we were doing Ecstasy a lot. Um, and so, you know, Van had all that and could do the most of anybody. And, you know, I just loved him. And we had, we had a blast. It was, you know, so much fun. And, um, and so we dated for about. Um, six years. And then we got married in 2007. And, you know, by that time, I had just done not hard drugs. No cocaine. I still was holding fast on the cocaine rule, you know. Um, and anyway, so. But at 27, I went back to L.A. to move in with Van. And we lived in the valley. And he, um, I knew he was doing it. Kind of everybody was doing it already behind my back. And so, I just said, you know, one night, my friend Ned was like, come on, it's no big deal. Same thing. And I was like, okay. You know, and I did it. I was like, where have you been all my life? Like, this is great. Because I can control the drinking, you know. And it was, um, so anyway, I got, I got to doing that, uh, quite frequently. And, um, so, you know, Van and I, I mean, it was like, I thought that my life would calm down. When we got married, I thought that, you know, there was always a reason that, why I was going to calm down. There was always like, okay, we're getting married. It was time to be serious. And it's time to maybe have children at some point, you know. And, um, and that didn't happen. Um, we, we ramped it up. I mean, we started going out every single weekend, you know, um, doing everything. And, you know, I mean, that is like, the hangovers were terrible. But those hangovers were. I mean, off the charts, bad. I mean, you know, when you're up and you hear the sprinklers and you hear the lawnmowers and you haven't slept. And, I mean, I don't have to tell you how dark that is. Um, it is dark. And, you know, even today, I told Lindsey, um, Lindsey stayed with me a while back. And I, I opened all those shutters and everything, every morning. As soon as I get up, open, open, open. I can't stand to have any shutters closed. Um, because we live like that. We've lived like that for so long with those shutters closed. And it was just like, it's things like that that you can't describe. But if you stay in a room like this, y'all are like, yeah, you know, we get that. And, um, that's one reason I feel so comfortable in these rooms is because, you know, people get me. And they get these things like that. Um, that I can't tell another person that's a non-alcoholic and have them go, yeah, you know, we know what that's about. And we know how that makes you feel inside. Um, so, anyway, you know, Van and I are married. Everything is okay. It was never really like a great marriage. Um, it was kind of rocky from the start. And especially, you know, when we introduced cocaine into the mix. I mean, it pretty much went downhill fast. Um, and so what happened with that was that he started progressively getting violent. And, um, the first, you know, it was very natural. yelling and screaming and things like that I was a blackout drinker so I did my part for sure to provoke I was no saint um whatsoever um one night though he held a pillow over my head and I distinctly remember that and the fear that that brought you know if he doesn't take this pillow off my head and he was hammered I mean like you know out of control and I didn't wasn't sure he really knew what he was doing and he did take the pillow off my head but after that happened I was like whoa this could be you know bad and so he also was a big guy I mean not that any woman really has a chance against any guy I don't feel like but he was 6'4 and 250 and um so you know a few months after that he um and I had gotten in a really bad fight he wanted to go out by himself after we got home because we went to his parents house for dinner and we were still fighting and he wanted to go out by himself and he did and then I went out again with a group of people that one of which lived downstairs from us and was a good friend of his from home and um I came back home and I got in the bed and he wasn't there and then I heard him come in later probably I don't know one or two and and then he came back to the bedroom and he started getting violent he started like throwing things around the room and um breaking all the furniture and I was like oh shit I gotta get out of here and so I got up and started like trying to get past him and I was like oh shit I gotta get out of here and so I got out and he like pushed me down against the bed that's the only time he laid a hand on me and but I got out and I went down to Brooke's house and we called the cops because he was like just violently you know breaking up the whole apartment apartment and just out of his mind and so basically got arrested um he went to you know jail and but at that point you know my marriage was over it was over that night you know we were friends and married the day before and he was not forgiving me you know I was not forgiving him and I didn't want to be in that situation and you know it just about killed me I mean I was devastated you know because I was deeply in love with him and I wanted the marriage to work but you know neither one of us were ready to stop drinking and you know um that just wasn't going to happen at that point for either one of us so anyway we divorced and we got divorced and we got divorced and we got divorced and we got divorced and we got divorced and um eventually uh probably I guess about a year after that I'd you know I was still doing the same things with doing the drugs and things like that going out with Ned and it was getting you know pretty bad on my end too because Ned always had stuff and he was my best friend and um so I decided to make a geographical cure and um I came to my parents house uh which I affectionately deemed the Lauderdale Center for Wellness in Smith Station Alabama which is where they live right outside of Phoenix City so I came to the Lauderdale Center for Wellness and by that time my dad had started drinking again too so my dad had been drinking a few years just on kind of special occasions but he was drinking again and he um so we kind of got I mean we partied you know we he was running the liquor store so he could get pot he got pot brought it home we even got my mom high a couple times I mean we were like you know partay and so people think this story's funny because um he is the one that gave me the name of my alter ego which is Pocahontas and the reason for that is because I would get drunk and I would you know do these rebel yells and I would do these rebel yells and I would do these rebel yells and I would just yell no matter where we were if I decided I wanted to like yell out in a nice restaurant or in a bar or at the house or whatever I would just let her rip and he's like you know one night he's like you're so crazy you know um you your name should be Pocahontas and we're like oh Pocahontas yeah I'm Pocahontas you know and so um from that point on my alter ego was Pocahontas and it it gave me a great you know excuse I mean when your drunk blackout alter alter ego is named something else it's great because then you can just say well Pocahontas did it you know or that's Pocahontas assault you know oh I'll have to tell her to calm down or or whatever you know so anyway the Pocahontas story is is kind of funny and um you know one thing that I started doing too um a lot and this is embarrassing but it's you know true and it's kind of part of our alcoholic culture for some of us is I was a bed wetter and um I was a pretty bad bed wetter and that um that plagued me you know for a long time I mean it it gets it's funny at first and you can hide it for a while and then you know eventually especially if you're going places with people and stuff like that you haul in your sheets downstairs and stuff like that it's it's kind of you know it's rather embarrassing so uh that was something that I struggled with for a long time and before van kind of got some of that um on certain nights too but um you know the progressive nature of the disease I moved to Atlanta um eventually after I did my time at the Lauderdale Center for Wellness which was just same old party you know um same old blackouts same old you know doing stuff I didn't want to do and didn't do stuff I doing stuff I didn't mean to do and waking up and trying to figure it out and um um so I came to Atlanta and I started a new job I moved in with a friend of mine in in um Decatur from high school and she's still a good friend and I eventually you know this is supposed to be I was supposed to calm down when I moved here too right and that didn't happen it was the same thing you know over again I found the drugs I found Backstreet that was fun I found the stairwell of Backstreet um so that was great and you know I got a DUI in 2003 March 28 2003 I blew a .24 and I got taken to DeKalb County I think I blew too high to be kept in Decatur City Jail they they moved me you know to DeKalb I was there a night and you know that was um that was bad the judge said to me you know young lady uh judging on how high of an alcohol content you had um it leads me to believe uh you should not have been able to walk much much less drive a car and it leads me to believe that um you know you might have an alcohol problem and my attorney who was a boyfriend an ex-boyfriend of mine from high school lied and said I quit drinking and um you know he said he wanted me to continue to go to AA meetings and um do community service and so I did go to Triangle a couple of times and then I realized I could fake those and I did go to Triangle a couple of times because they were just random initials and so I just had all my friends like make initials and you know turn in all this I did take the drug course or whatever but then I was supposed to do community service and I forged all that too and turned it in and um anyway but I think at that point I've kind of learned where I might have come to a meeting here at NABBA too but and so I kind of learned where some of the AA meetings were you know through that and that didn't really slow me down I just didn't drink anymore and drive me to the AA meetings and so I kind of learned where some I took Marta you can drink on Marta you know I took cabs I spent the night places you know um so anyway um after that it just you know it progressively just didn't stop nothing stopped and I in 2006 I received I had not talked to Van for a long time I had not talked to Van since 2000 probably 2000. one because he was so crazy he would you know he just was out of control his mother died about a year after we divorced and that really threw him over the edge and um i think he was already going there but anyway he sent me out of the blue an amends letter and um he had been doing aa for about a year and a half and he had moved to orlando where his father lived and he had gotten sober at the sally it's just the salvation army in orlando he had been in orlando um at the sally for about nine months and um van was also like one of the funniest people that i've ever met in my life i mean he was like a stand-up comedian like john belushi or um you know a physical comedian like um tim farley you know i guess that's his name tim farley chris farley okay so anyway he was just funny and so we we would we got to you know kind of know each other a little bit and there was um you know a lot of there were a lot of things that we got to say to each other and we were friends um we were not like romantically involved but we got to talking again and you know i was still drinking and i would call him late at night and um you know ramble on about whatever and i mean he said to me at one point you know claire you need to stop drinking and you're not going to be able to do this alone and so that's the first time i've kind of heard that and i was like you know what he's right you know he's absolutely right um and so he had been in the fellowship of aa and um it had really you know done a lot for him as a matter of fact he was running um sober living houses in orlando he was responsible for a couple of sober living houses down there and he was doing really well and so in 2006 i went i decided i'm gonna do this too this is like august of 2006 and i um came to nava for the first i mean this is the first place i came and i sat right in a chair back there in that second row from the back and i sat next to um a lady named helen moore for my first meeting and i was just a mess i mean i was a mess i was just scared to death and um and i couldn't even breathe and i couldn't even breathe and i couldn't cried most of the time. And Helen, you know, I introduced myself to her. She introduced herself to me. And she kind of took me under her wing. And I was here on and off for probably about two months. I picked up white chips, maybe three months. I picked up white chips, you know, several white chips. And Helen took me to Skyland. I would go to her house and she would take me to Skyland. And the first person right in that hallway out there that gave me a big book was Bud, a big, tall, gray-haired man named Bud. And I just was like, oh, my gosh, I feel so loved here, you know. And I felt so welcomed. And I felt safe. But it didn't stick that time. But I knew where to come. and I knew that this was a safe place and so um anyway in 2006 also the end of 2006 Ned got sober my best friend he went into rehab he was really in a bad way on on coke and pills and so and he's still sober today and um so Van and I continued to be you know friends and talking and I saw him several times and uh he eventually moved back to Los Angeles at the end of 2008 and I saw him um in February of 2009 I used to go out for my birthday every year and I still go to LA every now and then but um he had told he told me he had started relapsing a little bit and um he just told me about one time but I think it was more times he was trying to tell me that he had been relapsing and um so in I went back home and you know I was here for a couple more a couple months and in April April 2nd of 2009 um I got a call from Jack who was his best friend and Jack said Claire where are you and I said I'm down at the beach with my mom and he said okay um because I have something to tell you and I said okay you know I said where's Van and he said well we lost Van and I said um um um um you know what do you mean I said you mean he's just lost like normal alcoholics get lost sometimes you know and they come back around some you know a few days later or whatever and he said no I mean Van passed away this morning and so um Van had died of an esophageal hemorrhage in his sober living house in Van eyes and um you know at that point I was just it it threw me for a loop I mean I was I lost I was just I was just I was just I was just I was just I was just I was I felt like my lifeboat you know for a while I was kind of like his lifeboat when he was drinking kind of more than I was um and then when I but I felt like he was my lifeboat because he's the only one that really knew what was happening with me that really knew how desperate I was and how dark my life had become you know um and when I lost him I just kind of turned my back you know on everything I just my life was already um dark but it got extremely dark and I did not care I didn't really want to live um I you know just I wasn't ever like super religious but I really turned my back on God I rejected you know God um I didn't see how there could be a God if this happened and so I lost you know I had lost Van again. He was one of my best friends in the whole wide world. And, you know, I wallowed in it for a while, and I drank a lot. And then one night, you know, nothing in particular terrible happened this night on October the 6th, 2009. But it was about six months after Van died, and I was with a man friend that I probably should not have been with for many reasons. But I was with him, and we went to the U2 concert, and I got blackout drunk. I mean, bad. And I had taken a half hit of ecstasy. And, you know, he was supposed to spend the night that night, and I woke up the next morning, and he was not there. And so I had to hear on the phone about 10 o'clock the next morning, you know, what I had done instead and how horrible I had been. Because when I get drunk, you never know what you're going to get. It is enormous. It is a mixed bag. You might get really happy Pocahontas, let's have a great time, Claire, and you might get like the devil. Because I can cuss you like a sailor. I know I don't look like it, and everybody, you know, says I look prim and proper and all that stuff. But when I get drunk, I'm a different person. I mean, I am Medusa. So if I decide, you know, you need the wrath, you're going to get it. And he got it that night, and it was bad. And I felt horrible. And I just remember looking in the mirror that morning and saying, I can't do this anymore. I cannot do this anymore. And I called Ned, and I said, Ned, I can't do this anymore. And he said, Claire, you don't have to. And I said, he said, I will be here for you. You can call me. And so I did. I used Ned as a sponsor kind of like for a while, and I came to Nava. I came straight to Nava the next. The next day, because I was too hungover to come that day. I was still throwing up at like 5 or 6 o'clock, because the hangovers were awful. But I came to Nava, and I sat here and cried, because I was scared. And I, you know, felt like I was giving up my best friend. Alcohol had been with me forever. I mean, since I was 15, you know, and just I couldn't. I couldn't live with it, and I couldn't live without it. And it was just so hard. I couldn't imagine my life without it. But I knew I had to. You know, I just, I just couldn't do it anymore. I was like, this is it. It has taken so much. I mean, this, alcohol just takes. It just takes. It doesn't give back. And it had taken so much, you know, from me. And I said, this is it. I'm not doing this anymore. And so, I sat here, and I listened, and I knew that there was something in that book. In the big book, you know. And my dad had had a big book that was in tatters, you know. And so, I'm like, I've got to figure out what's in that book, because that is the solution. And so, I started going to big book studies. And I went to a powerful big book study at 8111 every Saturday morning. And I heard people tell my story. You know, I heard. Things that I could relate to that were just like, you know, I never knew other people, you know, thought this way. Or went through these same exact things as me, you know. And there were these people that knew me without knowing me. And that is powerful. What we have here in these rooms is really powerful. I can't say any other word for it, because it has changed my life. You know. I came here to stop drinking. I always say this. And I just got so much more. You know, I get to live truly free now. And I used to think, like, when I took a drink, I could feel it in my veins. And I could feel that relaxation wash over me. And I thought, I'm free. I'm free. But you know what? I was so far from free, it is not even funny. I was in a private hell for a long time. And I fought this thing for a long time. And tried every single thing I could in the book to make this be a normal, you know, be a normal drinker. And I couldn't. And it does not get any better. So I went to those meetings. And I listened. And I heard people, you know, I related to. And then Eric, my next door neighbor, is one of us two. And he was going to Fifth Tradition. He was one of the ones that started Fifth Tradition. And I finally got up the nerve to tell him that I was, you know, getting sober. Because I didn't want to tell anybody I was getting sober quite yet. Because I was still so scared that I, you know, I couldn't do it. And anyway, I told him I was getting sober. Because he had heard Pocahontas party by herself at 3 o'clock in the morning with the Grateful Dead. You know, the Grateful Dead was blaring. And I mean, there were Grateful Dead concerts going on next door. And, you know, so I think he had his suspicions. But I told him that I was. And he told me about Fifth Tradition. And I came and I heard a speaker that first night named Jewel. And another lady that was really powerful. And, I mean, the stories just blew me away. And I met my sponsor that night. And, you know, I was so scared to ask a sponsor. I mean, I was just, I was petrified. I was petrified for one thing because I was just scared of people in general unless I had a drink in my hand. And I was just scared because that meant that I was going to be accountable. You know, and that meant that, you know, I had to do what they said, you know. But I finally was like, if I'm going to do this, I'm not going to have one foot in and one foot out. I cannot half-ass this, my life. You know, it's too important. And so I got my sponsor. We started reading the book together. We met every week at her house. And she explained the book. And I made notes. And, you know, we laughed and we cried. And she talked to me about God, which is something I had wholeheartedly rejected. You know, I'm one of those people that comes in this room and sees God. And I'm like, see you later. Not doing this. But, you know, she said, she told me about, you know, just a little chink in the armor. And do I believe that she believes? And I did believe that she believed. And, you know, we started from there. And I like the fact that I can make my own. I can make my own interpretation of God or higher power. For a while, you know, my higher power was Van and my grandmama who died. And these rooms, you know, the people here. And so I started praying, you know, and that actually really works. It's amazing because I would call Carrie and I would be like, oh, fear is another thing that totally plagues me. I mean, fear. I am just so full of fear. And I would call Carrie and be like, I am so full of fear. I'm scared. I don't know what of. I just know the other shoe is going to drop. And I just, I'm just full of fear. And she would be like, you know, you need to pray. And I'd be like, is that all you've got? I mean, I've got, this is for real. Like, I mean, you know, just, I need something better than that. But I did it. I did it. And it worked. And, you know, my life today. I have amazing friends in these rooms. And, you know, the principles that we practice here in AA are just so true and so pure. And we're honest with each other. And there's a true camaraderie here. People want people to do well. And people, you know, love each other unconditionally. And we tell each other the truth. And. We have a bond here that is unlike anything in the outside world. You know, and we really possess characteristics that are, you know, admirable. You know, we try to live up to these things. Because, you know, if people are taught well by their sponsor, then it creates a lineage of people that do live up to these principles. And that just makes a wonderful place. I mean, it's like a utopia. You know, I go in the outside world sometimes. And I just notice, you know, how people treat each other and stuff like that. And I'm just, I'm so happy to get back here where I feel like everybody is so well-intended. And it's a safe place full of love. And, you know, I have God and you guys. And I just, I told my mom the other day, my mom and dad and I were at dinner. And I said, you know, I'm so glad I'm an alcoholic. And my mother kind of looked at me like, you're weird. But I said, you know. My life would not be what it is today if I were not an alcoholic. And, you know, sometimes I do like think, would I have different things if I wasn't an alcoholic? Would I have children? You know, I'm single. I don't have a husband. You know, would I have been something different in my career? Something of higher education? You know, but it says we won't regret the past or wish to shut the door on it. And that's really true. I don't want. I don't want any of those things. I just romanticize those things sometimes, you know. But my life as it is right now is perfect. I am happy and joyous and free. And those promises have come true. And I love you guys. And thanks for letting me share. Thank you so much, Claire. Thank you so much. And I've asked Katie Hillman to come do the chips. Hey, everybody. My name is Katie Hillman. I'm not an alcoholic. Hey, Katie. Hey, we have a great story, Claire. I don't know where you went, but I love that. And, you know, you're one of my best friends. So thank you for being. So honest. All right. We got a chip system here now to mark your time. And I'm going to go through them once for everybody. So we have a white chip. If anybody wants to join our way of life and live one day at a time free, please come up. Give me a hug and get a white chip. Oh, good. Excellent. Excellent.