“My Sex Inventory Was in Tiny Handwriting, Everything Else in Capitals” – Peter M.

My name is Peter and I'm going to come off the wall. Hey Peter, how are you doing? I'm grateful to be alive and sober in front of the Sanctification of Alcoholics Anonymous and thank the group for having me and offering this topic. I'm kind of involved in a drive-by with this topic, very cold-headed since this is what I'm speaking on. So I'll do my best until the spirit moves me. Congratulations to the celebrants for being here for the next guy who walks in the door. God separated me from alcohol on June 23, 1988 when we recovered out of the vault I say recovered because I am anything less than that would be falsely humbled but a loving God on June 24, 1988 separated me from an illness that was going to kill me once the dead were settled while I was drunk it wasn't something that I planned on June 25, 1988 it was just out of desperation and being broken down and having six treatment centers behind me, and being homeless and panhandling and unemployable, that I reached a place of complete desperation in June of 1988. And June 23rd showed up, and I remember thinking, not getting an egg, and I wasn't thinking treatment or getting to do some of the things I get to do in recovery. The words were, I don't want to die. And that was made abundantly clear from the spiritual and cellular level. I don't want to die. I got rocketed into my seventh or last treatment center and landed in place A, and the journey began. The real journey began for me when I opened up a big book with a sponsor and began going through the 12 steps of experience and complete spiritual transformation from the inside out. And how I live today is from the outside out, not from the side in. And on most days, my inside match that's going on out there and vice versa, and I don't have to pretend or anything like that, but there was a time where I was embalmed to self and the thinking mind and everything that was around me when we talked about opinions. That drove me, it drove me. I live in Vulcan now, and if you want to talk about attachment to some of the things, it's in the dictionary, it says right there, Vulcan. How do I look? How do i drive? Where am I living? What am I wearing? It goes on and on. And that includes members of AA, too, less than a lot. But in June of 1980, I had no plans of anything other than I didn't want to die. And where I've been put as of today is having a life of freedom. And having a life of freedom, the best way I can explain that is being clean and still. When I get to do talks like this, this is just a reflection of the last talk I did for the last few months of working and working with the steps and the God and all the things that he knows and many times people ask me do you get nervous before you do this and I say no it's probably not going to show up and that's a good thing the body is here but the mind isn't and because of the spiritual work that I get to do and lots of other spiritual books that clean me up that get me out of the way and get to experience the depth of self before the physical death my life is clean clean and still. And when we're around here a little while, we know that we can be in recovery and have a lot of noise in the head. Like I'll lay out some handbags most of you guys, while I'm speaking, are thinking about 300 other things and speaking to people right now who aren't even in this room. And we're having this constant dialogue. And we argue with ourselves while we're driving in the car. We have all these plans and all all these things, and some of you are thinking, who invited this guy and why this topic, right? And this is how we operate normally. It's living with a mind dominated life, and we can live that way I don't care how long we're sober because the mind is God not God. And we pay lots of lip service to God, and perhaps even show signs of worshipping God, but at the end of the day, whatever my mind says, that's God, that' s law. And I obey, and it shows up in the door where it needs. Rather than have a life moved by the Spirit, were driven by the mind rather than moved by The Spirit. And any time my life is driven by The Mind, I'm in trouble because I'm a child. Now, my ego will tell me that I'm spiritual and I live by God's law and I do all the right things, but that's really not what's going on. In fact, when I'm doing good things it's because I want approval from you to see what a spiritual guru I am. When I let you get coffee ahead of me it's not because it's coming from right here, that's how I operate. It's coming through, don't think I'm an ice guy now. and that's how most of us operate when we live like that the reason why this is so important when we life like that we're still fear based and insecure the same way we walked in here and we can be sober 10, 15, 20, 30 years we're steel fear based insecurity ego's in charge the mind's dominating my life and I'm never right and the ego's tricky because if you get a real subtle and quiet world then you won't be able to detect it but it's operating And a good way to take a look at this is, if I'm in fear about anything, that means my mind is now in charge. And when I'm at a place of ease and comfort, my mind IS NOT IN CHARGE. Can I be in a place ease and comfortable when I don't have a lot of money and a lot food in my belly? Can I grateful when my belly's empty and there's no money in my pocket and I'm looking for a job? because being grateful for a bank book, being grateful for having a lot of money in my pocket doesn't count not in the spiritual life. But to get a lot of money because we're so attached that that's going to give me security I will risk going to prison to make money. I will defend my college with my life. I will defend my home with my wife. I will defend my reputation with my love because it all hinges on what you think of me and what I own and we can make more of them. We can make lots of money and lots of cars and lots of homes and in the process lose our soul. It's called outer riches and inner poverty because it's attached to external conditions. And the belief system is when I get all the ducks in a row, when I got my life in order out there, that I am going to feel good in here. When she says I love you about 45 times a day on cue, makes love to me every minute on cue. When my boss gives me a raise, a bonus, and a bigger raise and a big bonus and I drive the Mercedes-Benz and have the house on the water when all that stuff is right and all of you behave just the way I have it planned out on my script, I'll be okay. It's delusional. Especially in a world of impermanence where nothing stays here forever. Even the most successful marriage, 50-60 years married, somebody eventually is going to go home to God. And the relationship has changed even though we're still in love. The relationship has changed. No one's here more about things and the great thing about living in the seminary of the spirit that there's no thing in my way it's a life of nothingness and in that I experience a lot the man or woman who's seeking this life with greed achieves nothing wants everything and the man who walks humble expects nothing and gets everything my life consists currently of prayer meditation three times a day I don't want to say that because it's special It's just where God has moved me. Pete Maranello listens to his own devices, doesn't want to do anything. You know, in fact, when I'm phoned to talk in, can I give you a CD? I'll stay home, I'll stand at the beach. That's an old thing. But God has moved me to a place of prayer and meditation three times a day. I have a good work ethic. I work a lot. I'm good with my work. I've got passion about my work, I even become self-supporting for my own contributions. I sponsor a whole bunch of men. I have a sponsor, has a sponsor my living needs goes back to Dr. Bob and my job is to carry that torch I have a 10-11 practice where I close the day with prayer and meditation and I review and upon awakening I seek God immediately upon awakening because I need to keep me out of the way all day long and at some point when we chop wood and carry wood and get the ground fertile, God knows they're growing and things start to happen from the inside out when we can be in a place of ease and comfort I drank to get ease and comfort. I sought ease and comfort from a bottle of Jack Daniels or Mr. Boston Blackberry Brandy and it was a stand where I stood out there non-conference approved drive-ins to experience ease and comfort, to feel a part of, to be okay. And it worked for a long time but it didn't work anymore and I chased it some more as I'm trying to chase a cat until it backfires and boomerangs and we blow up I blew up and I land at the the bottom of the barrel, in June of 1988. And I still didn't know that if I stopped reaching out there and went in, I might get better. That came through. Through desperation. But I couldn't start a spiritual journey with the answer. Otherwise I would reinvent myself. I was blown wide open to be teachable. And what God will do, and it's happened to me about three times in the last That's 24 years. And it happens to us, all of us, on the way to India. God will bring us to the very edge of the cliff and shut down or interrupt every one of our lives to get our attention when we're going sideways. And sometimes we will stop and say, okay, I'm done. What do I do? I don't want to fall. And some of us might keep going. It'll happen in sobriety when we'll start to get attached and we start to go sideways Like when you go in the water and you place your beach chair on the sand, and about 20 minutes later, you go back to your beach chairs and you can't find it, and you're way over there, and you don't even feel yourself drifting. It happens in recovery. We drift, and the ego says, it's okay, look at you, you're great. You're you. You don't have to do any of this stuff. I feel good. And then we turn around and wonder how we got lost again. God will shut us down in recovery The same way, if any of us have children, you know how kids are, they don't pay attention, now they text and they have all these video games and they're trying to come in a clean room and they don'y pay attention so what do you do? You pull the thing out of their hand and stand in front of the TV and say I'm talking to you. Now they have to get their attention right? God will do the same with me. He'll remove the job, he'll remove relationship, he will remove the money because his life for me is greater than money and possessions. possessions. And so I bottomed out a few times, and each time coming out of the bottle, I realized I was attached to my home. My home meant Peter Marinelli. My new car meant Peter Marinello. I am my car. I have my money. I'm my job. I own my relationship. When one of those things move, what happens to me? How much God am I really dependent upon? Or am I realmente dependent upon the nice waxing I just put on my new car, and I want everyone want to see, because I am special. Anything I put before God, I'm going to lose. And one of the things we did, and I've done it, is we've become, this is so, we've come worshiper of our emotions, worshippers of our own intellect. I need to feel good all the time. Well, who doesn't want to feel bad? Who doesn't wanna experience some happiness? When we get attached to that, we will chase, and we will go down the darkest hours to feel content for a moment. They're called sex breeds. we experience sprees in alcohol synonymous I can't be alone, I need someone in my bed, I meet someone on and out with me so I feel whole I feel okay to be here it's a huge attachment to make bad decisions a lifetime of misery for a short time of pleasure or contentment or peace you know what happens? all that seeking to carve a money into my emotions emotions that feel good to you, that I need to be okay, that search for happiness? What it is at the end of the day is a search to be right with God. And that means completely leveling yourself, complete leveling and destruction of the ego, the physical death, the death of self before the physical life. Now if that doesn't taste good when that happens, and the process of the 12 steps doesn't tastes good, It's uncomfortable. We're getting our ego, it's getting grinded into dust. Everything I thought was me is not. That's a rude awakening and we've got to get to the truth. And how do we get to the truth? The lies must die. So what the work does is remove all the lies. That means I'm vulnerable. An alcoholic ego never wants to show vulnerability. It's invincible. Right? Think about the days in the bar. We were invincible. We had three cents to our name, can't stop drinking, and wife's husband is throwing us out, our life is falling apart, we're walking apart on a big shot. I need somebody, especially if the father knows my name. I could be a broken down police car if he knows my number. I need someone. It's twisted. It's sick. We can do the same thing in alcoholic synonymous. What's my current practice look like with God? Experientially, can we talk to each other about a current relationship with God what's really interesting I told you about what it's been like chasing my emotions around the block constantly trying to feel good all the time because that's what I'm looking for to feel great all the same the other thing I found not only through myself but countless others is the attachments to people's opinions of us I want everyone to love me in fact no I don't want you to worship me in fact when I walk home give me a wave bow down and say he's here now we can start when I come home I don't want her to say hi I'm glad you're home I wanted to bow down so we could live without you when you walk into your home group and somebody doesn't say hello to you you go well it's up for them I'm here why don't they say hello they have some problem then we gossip about them because I'm so important I'm someone who tests other people's opinions of me which really just proves a theory that I feel basically secure at 15, 20, 30 or so In the big book it talks about putting the material ahead of the spiritual progress. And sometimes we come here, we're sober 20 minutes, we have to go to the gym, get a tan, go to your girlfriend, go to boyfriend, get in the car, get money, get home, you see the one who died, quit smoking, the first 20 minutes is survival. We go out to be money makers and get relationships, and they look nice but they can't be alone. They do all these things and our book is really clear. do not put the material ahead of the spiritual because at the end of the day, the only power that's keeping me sober is God. I didn't plug into an 8-volt battery this morning to get the heart jump started. I didn'T plug into machines so the lungs are working so I can breathe. It's being done for me while I'm sleeping, while I'M waking, whatever I'M doing, it'S working. Somebody'S doing something and by all reason, based on my track record of getting two alcoholics anonymous, I should be drunk tonight. But I'm not. And there's many times on this path, my path, and I'm sure yours if you think about it, some of the blocks we drove down in the figure of a percent, we should have gotten drunk. For some of things we've done, some things we said, some behaviors we had, we shouldn't have gotten drunken. Those must have been around here 15-20 years. It hasn't always been traction. we bought the wish of the puddle and we did some things that maybe we shouldn't have and cut some corners and we should be drunk and we're not is it possible that the same way God had a reason for every one of us being born God had reason for every one of us getting sober and what am I doing to seek out what I'm supposed to be doing on this sacred path called recovery or is my life I'm not trying to ruffle feathers guys because I have no clue what I'm going to say when I do these things. So let's blame God after this. But is my life one of being an outlaw that's anonymous and just going to meetings? 5.30 p.m., 9.00, 6.00 a.m. is an 8 o'clock meeting. I'll make the midnight meetings at 9 o'clock tomorrow morning. I'll have a new meeting at 1 o' clock or 2 o' o' lock. When I'm done, I'll drink more coffee and get wide open with 3,000 cups of coffee. And you hear people say, I'm meeting now. Then stop. When AA first started, they couldn't make 90 meetings in 90 days. There's an attachment. If I don't make the 90 meetings something bad is going to happen to me. No way the big book doesn't say that. We have attachments in alcoholics and honors. And the only thing you have to experience oneness with, and I speak from my own experience, is God. Nothing less than that great fact that it talks about down on page 25. God. We get attached to slogans, we get attached to a lot of things, but by loving people who are trying to help at the end of the day, we put things ahead of God. We replace things instead of going to God. What happened to me after my fifth treatment center, I was away in my fifth treatment center for nine weeks and I got there with hormones I'm from New York and I used to panhandle the foot of the Manhattan Bridge a lot. I was along filming for a bunch of years, a doctorate, and I knew lots of truck drivers and they'd take that route over the Manhattan bridge and I'd try to flag them down and tell them I was stuck in my car, I had no gas in my, I didn't have a car and they would throw a couple of bucks out the window. I'd roll through Chinatown, Little Italy, all over the Lower East Side and panhandled to get money to get drunk. So I got into my fifth treatment center And I was up there about nine weeks And two days later I was drunk And on the way into my Fifth treatment center I had a powerful desire not to drink I knew it was over I couldn't do this anymore And I held bent on stopping drinking Stopping the other stuff I was taking I was going to be A good Christian Wasn't even thinking about it yet and it took two days for me to be loaded again now how does that happen? How do we come into AA go into treatment or get out of prison with the powerful desire firm resolution never to drink again and then we get drunk again well it happened to me because my mind was still in charge and I was still worshipping my mind whenever my mind told me it must be true so that I get drunk I was in my sick treatment center and again I got there by way of being homeless and I signed myself out of my sick treatment center I had nowhere to go I wasn't working no one needed me but my mind convinced me to go out and get drunk again and I had to get out so I signed my self out of the sick treatment This is the power of the mind. After I got into my 7th treatment center, and after 10 days of being in treatment, my mind said let's go get another drink, and oh by the grace of God I didn't go get drunk on the 10th day of being in treatment. The thinking mind is where all the problems start. When I'm in fear it's because of the mind. When i'm in projection it's always fear that's the cause of the mindset. My mind tells me what I think that need to be okay. And it's only through adversity that we learn to let go of the things we thought we needed to be happy, huh? Every one of us guys, every one of us has that thing. And that thing is a thing we don't want to discuss with anyone else. It could be plural things that we all have and it will never be revealed until we get to step four. And we really want to get well and diligent with that work. But every one OF us have the thing. The men have it and the women have it and I'm using it to set things up. If you're trying to do something to do it that way, but we won't let it loose. And as long as that thing is not resolved, we walk with that and at some point, although we can't sit on the front, we will drink over it. So then I need stuff to cover up this wounding and the only way that's going to fix that is a relationship with God. Now, here's the deal. what I'm saying may not apply to many in this room or we may not think it doesn't apply but here's how we know it does apply. What I share from you is paraphrasing a lot of our big book language what I've shared with you is from a lot spiritual books and my personal experience and I'm a real off the hog I suffer from a three fold illness I blow up when I drink, I can't stop drinking I have a craving mental obsession I'm the real deal. I'm not trying to convince you, but if I tell you my story, you'd be convinced. So if I hear a talk like this and I'm sitting here saying this doesn't apply to me, prior to investigation, then my mind is in charge. I've seen people who get up there with a big book and half the room says, I don't want to hear about that book. And my question is, did you ever go through the book? and they'd say no. So how could you give us an opinion without experience? You have contemporary investigation, so be it. Or if we talk about things such as spiritual and growing and understanding effectiveness in topics like attachment and we say well this is in an AA meeting contemporary investigation,so my mind has just been exposed. The mind is a terrible poker player. It is the worst poker player in the world if we're just a little bit spiritually awake. We see the hand every time. In fact, it shows its hand. This illness shows its hand every single time we play poker. It's the worst poker play in the world. Unless I'm sound asleep thinking I'm spiritually awake, then we're playing against the house every time we lose. How do I know that? When I hear something that's a little different than what I've been doing and grinding it out for the last 20 years and I say this is nonsense I don't want to hear this. It's in the stuff that's in a book, I need to share today. I need you to hear it drunk a lot. That's my content by the investigation. Maybe I need some work. Maybe I have to be opened up a little bit. Maybe I'm going to get a sponsor and submit to someone who maybe two or three years sober while I'm sitting on 30 years and go through work. Let him or her take me through the work. Someone who's on fire. Because one thing about this process, it is certainly not linear. It is transformation. And God has apparently got six months or 30 years, spirit of spirit, We may have some more life experience. I have more life experiences than a newcomer, but if they're being caught by this spiritual thing and they're on fire, we're both in the same water. The same spiritual water we bathe in. I've just been in there a little bit longer. And if my ego says I can't go to someone with two years to take me through the work and they'll live up with God, then who has the ego problem? If my ego's in charge, guess what? I'm attached to everything, including what would my friends think if I got a nuke? I'm going to take me to the work. Oh my God! It's simple. Attachments to external conditions are never a remedy for an internal illness called alcoholism or addiction. Alcoholism will go underground. Drug addiction, addiction, will go on the ground and resurface in other areas. while I'm going to meetings while I drive a new car big pinky ring, expensive everything looks good on the outside I have a house about that big everything looks good what's going on within me is a war zone I'm attached to everything and my thinking mind loves it and when I start to do stuff like that, my ego won't tell me that I'm in trouble it never will It's not his job. But what it does is I get hooked back into things and I get unhooked from you and God. And I don't even know what's happening. But people do. People stop and say, hey, are you okay? What's going on with you? Because the eyes and the windows of the soul, huh? The great thing about the 12 steps, they don't keep me sober. the great thing about the big book, it doesn't keep me sober but they take me to the power which keeps me sober all along and our book and our founding members were clear, don't worship the book, don' t worship us don't worship the steps, but do them, and we get to do because they will take you to the part that's keeping us sober all alone, and make a relationship with this power we experience, oneness with this power, and acceptance acceptance. Are we going to text through the whole DVD? That's rude. That's an attachment. So from time to time on this path, I find myself occasionally looking at things that I think I need to be happy like, if my boss couldn't give me a raise, I work hard, no raise, how come I need more money? I make a good living but I need MORE money. Why? Why? I don't know. Well maybe I need to buy that Rolls Royce after all. I mean, I NEED a Rolls-Royce. And what happens is the wants get dressed up as needs. I want a big car. I need one. I want house like that or whatever. But they trick me. Attachments to our external conditions that kill us. can I walk free and easy, can I walk clean and still what we find out through the work, what I found out through the word is that stillness is our natural state of beingness deep down within we're all still what we do is we accumulate stuff we accumulate belief systems we accumulate ideas the same way we accumulate fear and resentment, little toddlers they don't write inventory at night they don't need a sponsor they don'y need to vent they don''t need a therapist to talk about their own child that's already dysfunctional they're just present to the moment everything is great do you ever notice when you're around little kids how goofy we all get and we all smile we talk gibberish we get down to flow we play goofy games we love being around little children there's a reason for that they lose God they have no attack just as long as mommy's here which is normal I'm okay. As long as Dad's there, I'm OK. I don't care if Dad's fat, skinny, tall, short, money-loving, I don' care. Love me, because I love you unconditionally. That's the great thing about children. We return to that. A few battle scars, but we return to them. A little bit older, a little gray, a couple of wrinkles, but we returned to that, that place of purity, honesty and selflessness and love. And when we experience it, even if it's for a fleeting moment or a few days, there's nothing like it because you can't really describe it adequately, we just know something is going on below the surface what's great is we can stay in that place because God's consistent His constant, His all powerful indestructible and pristine which is what we belong to but I acquire stuff that I think I need and I'm wondering why I can't fit in so So, if you're struggling and you're not free, do you want to get free? If we're experiencing freedom, don't you want to get freer? When I was high, I liked getting higher. Let's not put a lid on God. Just a consideration. That's all I got. Thank you. All righty. I hope everybody, I hope that was helpful to you and very helpful to me. We are going to pass a passage in honor of the Seventh Condition, which is a fully self-supporting outside contribution. We're going to close a little bit early tonight. We have two down. And And I asked Mike Chicks to read the tradition. Recovered alcoholic Mike Chick. AA's 12 Traditions, found in the back of the big book. February, second tradition. For our group purpose, there is but one ultimate authority. A loving God as he may express himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants. They do not govern. and if nobody loves more than me I'm going to ask Scarlett to give you a chance Hi, I'm Scarlett and I am a recovering racial alcoholic but hey, we work it out right? Okay so So, here in Fort Lauderdale, and I suspect a whole lot of other places, we mark our time with chips like Vegas. I think we refer to Vegas anyhow. Vegas. Love Vegas. Anyway, we have white chips, and that is if you sip at the high cost of low-living, like me. Do you think I'm white-chip-ing, Betty? Okay. And what would be like me for real? Yeah. Okay. 30 days. You've got to start doing the work. It's pink. Anybody got 30 days? All right. Red, three months. Blue. I hear this is like blue lights in the back. I still tremble. And nine months. Okay. If you have not had a drink today, give them that card. Thank you. Okay, anyone that's willing to serve as a sponsor, please raise your hand. Anybody that doesn't have a sponsor look at the hand. At this point we've got two medallions today and the first one is going to be presented by Jay to Joe. Jay. Jay Alcoholics. Jay. First, I want to start off saying I'm blessed that this man had asked me to present this three-year medallion to him. And he's a man who has gone through the big book with me thoroughly, I'm going to say that. And he has taken me through my steps and given me the spiritual experience that I cannot take away. And this is an honor. Come on, Joe, tell them how you did it. For a covered alcoholic, my name is Joe. Hey, Joe. And it's very nice to be back here at Dry Dock with all of you. I came into Dry DoCK in 2006 in my first door. But this time around, I worked the 12 steps in the big book with effective sponsorship, got connected to a power greater than myself and got a conscious contact with that power. And what I do today is I do my best to carry this message I take guys through the big books and that gives me a relationship with that power. And because of that I'm loving what the Fourth Dimension has to offer. Thank you. Thank you. And I met Freddie, I think he was doing a 12-step series, 12-Step House, somewhere around there, I think. And he kept showing up and he approached me and asked me to sponsor him. And quite frankly, the assignment that I'd given him, he's come back with it. It was interesting how to tell him stop doing step work on the computer and put pen in hand and do it again. he's been doing it and Chad's in meeting and sponsors men now it's a real delight when you see the light in someone's eyes go on and they buy into it and become a part of this and this becomes the center of their life so I'm just grateful for him and his family Thank you.