‘My Case Is Different’ — the Sentence That Killed More Drunks Than Bourbon Ever Did – Clancy I.

My name is Clancy Immersland, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Clancy. I'm very glad to be here tonight. Jim, you drank all the water out of the speaker's water for crying out loud. That wasn't for you. That's why I have to bring my people. I'm very glad to be here. Every year, Jim has some new surprise for us. Tonight, we had an Al-Anon participate. That's the first. Maybe I'm talking about my overeating. Didn't mean to strike a nerve. But I'm very glad to be here. And some of you have, you know, I have to laugh. Get a little tough over here in West Covina, where the treasurer and the secretary both begged you to bring the baskets back. Please bring them back again. The... And also, I should say that this is the 30th, 35th year I've come out here at Christmastime. And we've had a... The society works in decimals. There should be some little gift for 35. I got that gift... Let me tell you an interesting story. In the 1700s and 1800s in India, the Mughals, which were known as the emperors, were known as the Mughals. And if they wanted to... If they wanted to destroy someone, they would present them with a white elephant. Because the white elephant was sacred and could not be killed or destroyed or gotten rid of. And these white elephants needed a great deal of expensive care and much expensive food. And when you gave a white elephant to someone, it would eventually bankrupt them. That's where the term white elephant comes from. I got a white elephant. Something that's of no use whatsoever and bankrupts you. It's also known as the Shetland Pony. It's a pony ploy. On my 20th year out here, they brought in a Shetland Pony from the back. I used to complain when I was a little boy. I never had a pony. It's all I ever wanted was a pony. And they... That night Harvey Andrews was sitting down here and he leaped up with a hoarse cry. He said, I can't stand anymore. I thought, what? He's gone crazy, the poor bastard. So he ran outside and... That was the end of that. The person... He came in the back door leading a pony, a Shetland, an old Shetland Pony, you know, big long yellow fangs and... And brought him down here. If you ever hear a tape of that, it means just a consistent scream for about 10 minutes. And I thought it was some sort of... One of the few times I was ever speechless. I had a little red blanket on and said, Clancy's Pony. I thought, well, that's a pretty good joke. Harvey, get it out of here for Christ's sake. Come on. This is an AA meeting after all. Then I thought that was the end of it. At the end of the meeting, the secretary got up and he thanked the coffee makers and he thanked the readers and he thanked the people who'd chipped in to buy this pony for the speaker. And the next day, a truck backed up in my backyard and his pony got out. And he's been living in my backyard ever since. As late as the 5 o'clock this afternoon, I was out giving him more hay and trying to curry favor with him and he crapped on my foot. Come to think of it, I don't want any more gifts from this group. None. None. I, uh... It is a very nice affair, though. As most of you know, and I hate to be, uh... I was not nice. That guy sat down and saved that seat so when she came in, she could sit down and he's getting up and going home. So, uh... Most of you know this story. It's a tedious, dull story, but for those of you who haven't read here, in 1950, 1960, I... Somebody... Somebody... Christmas Eve fell on Saturday night and someone called the 63... They couldn't get me... They tried to get a speaker to come to this dreary little West Covina meeting and they couldn't get any speed. Nobody wanted to come out. Nobody decent would come out on Christmas Eve. So they called the 6300 Club, which was the A Club, and I looked over there at that time and, uh... They called up, said they need the speaker and I... Since I'd answered the phone, I thought, here's my chance to make my move. So I, uh... I said, yes, well, I'll come out there. Speak, huh? So I hustled some guy to give me a ride out. Got a shirt and tie somewhere. And it was the... It was the basement of a church or Legion Hall or... American Legion Hall. And there was a... Went down there and about 15 or 20 dreary people, nothing better to do on Christmas Eve. None of them had any friends or loved ones. Just... And I felt kind of bad because I had lost my children. I had lost my home. I'd lost everything else. I was... Living in a little one-room apartment in Hollywood. And I had sent my children their gifts about the 15th and that was the end of Christmas for me. And I, uh... I thought, well, I'm out in the country. None of these people will even remember what I say anyway because they're obviously not even tracking. So I could really... let them know what I thought. So I... I gave quite a talk about Christmas. I said, you know, Christmas when I was a little boy was a lovely thing. And I really enjoyed it. My grandparents would go to their house and my uncle... My uncle... Warren and Aunt Alma come down from Minneapolis and we all... We used to all smoke cigars. And our associate cigars were for Christmas Eve. We'd open our presents and it was so wonderful and touching. And sometimes we'd sing to... My grandma and grandpa would sing a hymn in Norwegian and it's just so beautiful. We'd eat fatigman buckles and sand buckles and scroll buckles and just wonderful things. And as I grew older, I kind of always wanted to retain that, but it all went to hell. And... And... And my life went off in different slants and their lives went off. They're dead. And it's just... And as I grew up, Christmas has become just a commercial mishmash and nobody really cares. It's how much bucks you could make out of Christmas. Christmas stinks, you know. But Christmas, it's a terrible thing. And I... And I gave a kind of a... Not exactly what you'd call an upbeat Christmas talk. And I got done. I thought I'd probably... I'd probably depress these people so that I'll never be invited to speak in the San Gabriel Valley again. But that's all right. I gave my shot. And after the meeting, some guy came up, the guy that led the meeting, said, well, that really was good. You want to come and speak next Christmas? All right. So I came and spoke next Christmas and gave them the same ration of how futile Christmas is and what a rotten, phony, commercial bunch of crap. And they liked it. And they liked that again. So the same guy asked me about the following year. And now it's been 35 years I've been coming out here. And not enough. The guy that led the meeting that night, the guy that asked me to come back, was the guy that's leading the meeting tonight. And he's led only one of the meetings except one year and he got mad at me because he felt I'd attacked his grandson. And I really hadn't. I was just joking with him. But I never... I always felt that... I didn't blame Jim for that because I feel the same way. But... But... It's been 30... It's been 35 years now and it's a... It's an amazing thing. How many... I've never done this before. I've never done it a few... I know there are a few but the people that were at that meeting in 1960 stand up. I'd like to see them. There's one, two, three, four, five back there. There's maybe six or seven here of those 20. And that's 35 years ago. That's a... That's a pretty good lick because in most of the world people don't stay sober 30... If anybody stays sober 35 months they become the old timer in their group. And here 35 years doesn't even make you the old timer. And it's really remarkable because it's... Maybe there's a moral there somewhere that people who are even willing to go to AABs on Christmas Eve stay sober. I don't know. People who have some sort of intention to do something about this. And it's a baffling thing. Alcoholism is a baffling thing. You know there's a... One of the most amazing things to sponsors or to friends or to anybody and you see it a lot. The same people when we sit in our group same people go to the same meetings listen to the same speakers sit in the same rows do the same things and some of them can't stay sober and some grab a hold of it and stay sober forever. And it's just baffling. It goes, it goes back to like watching families. I'm sure it's like watching families. You know they always talk about what is it the genes that makes kids go bad or good or is it really the is it the environmental conditioning the nurturing and so forth. And I'll tell you you look at any large family or small family for that matter in any family children sitting in the same house with the same genes and the same parents and the same schools and the same education and the same environment and the same family and three or four turn out well and two or three just become absolutely no good. And it's just baffling and nobody can really understand why. And well it's the environment. It wasn't the environment on them. Must be the gene or the genes on them. And it's the same thing here. It's the most dreadful and baffling thing. Why can't some people stay sober here? There are people who come here again and again and again. And I have an empathy for them because I did that year after year after year after year after year after year I sat in many meetings in various parts of the country. I certainly didn't go every week after a while but I went intermittently when the heat was on and I could never understand it. People that I would hire to mow my lawn could stay sober. Guys that were multimillionaires could stay sober. I'd have to do the economics. People that weren't as smart as I am were staying sober. People that as far as I could tell were smarter than I was were staying sober. I'm not at all I don't like pain. I'm not into pain. I'm not into failure. I don't like to go to some place and fail. And it's just baffling. I want to stay sober as bad as anybody. And these people find some way to do it and staying sober just makes me crazy until I can't stand it. Now, why is that? And that is the continual bafflement of the treatment of alcoholics and has been for all of mankind except for all of man for most of mankind there's no reason for alcoholics to stay sober. There's no reason for alcoholics to stay sober. There's no reason for alcoholics to stay sober. For all of mankind there's never been anyone who did stay sober. It's only been the last as we've talked about before there's only been two brief periods that there's ever been any place for people like you and me to go with this peculiar situation. One briefly in the 1840s something called the Washingtonians that by the time they got to be in 1845 that expanded to many, many thousands of sober drunks and then they made the perceived to be intellectually correct decision because there are still people in Los Angeles or in AA in the world who believe that they should do it. They thought they should carry their message to all people who suffer. So they didn't just help alcoholics anymore they began to help non-alcoholics and narcotics addicts and politically oppressed people so they began to help people who wanted to stamp out the sale of alcohol and they wanted to help all sorts of people and in three years the Washingtonians were extinct and the only other time that is why that is why they talk so much here about you must be an alcoholic to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous not because it's better or worse than anything else but because non-alcoholics do not respond to the same things that we respond to. We have a great deal of difficulty getting ourselves to respond and people who have this intangible something have nothing to communicate to me. Over the years I've been to a lot of meetings GA and OA and NA and I really appreciate what they're trying to do and I wish them well but when they talk it's just information. When I hear some woman say I ate two chickens I think you ought to do something about that for Christ's sake. I hear somebody say I ate so much ice cream I couldn't eat anymore I put my finger down my throat and I ate some more and I thought Jesus don't shake hands with me after the meeting. Old slimy finger. And the reason for that is I intellectually know what they're doing but I get no visceral emotional response to it because I don't get that response from food I get that from alcohol. People talk to me about how they drink and they can feel their fingers tingle and things look different and things start to change. Non-alcoholics say huh but you and I or most of who are alcoholics say yeah yeah makes your tongue dart out for a while and that's what because there's no information here or unusual or wonderful. There's nothing here you're going to learn here you can learn in 20 other places. In fact if advice made you sober nobody would be here because I personally I'm sure you're the same I've had enough advice to last me 3,000 years. I had enough advice to last me for a thousand years by the time I was 21 and I and got it from good people and friends of my family and loving people and principals and deans of universities and I listened but didn't seem to have any application to me because they didn't understand me. My case was different. The thing that helped me the most of my life was not advice was not information I went to psychoanalysis to get to the root of my unease. Now as I often say I really loved it because I found breakthroughs that put things into perspective I never would have dreamed. I discovered I'd been hurt in ways I hadn't even guessed. I just nobody none of my brothers or sisters ever turned out well in the environment I was in mainly because I didn't have any brothers and sisters but I was hurt by the Norwegian church I was hurt by all sorts of things and I loved it I just loved I loved psychoanalysis I spent a lot of more money than I can afford and I had it I don't often wonder why I loved it so well and looking back I know that I was like what a pain but I think that I have accomplished a lot I always say to myself that you don't have any friends here you don't work anywhere you don't have friends Victimization therapies where people just go there and spend a lot of money. I'm not talking about the adult children that comes through Al-Anon. I'm talking about the professional, commercial adult children movement. They're getting into these movements and there's never any exit because you never change your status. I'm not, as long as I'm being very judgmental, but I'm not. In my experience, for people like me, what they bring about, they bring about continual resentment of those who have hurt you. They bring about terrible, endless feelings of being different, that I've been warped and so screwed up as a kid that I can't possibly turn out anything well. And it gives me an endless, intermittent, but intense self-pity. Why me? Why have my life been like this? Why couldn't I have just been like the others? Why couldn't I have had a happy life? Why do I have to live in this unnatural situation? The only thing they didn't have then that they have now is they didn't have the word dysfunctional then. If I'd have had that, I'd have gone for another six months for that. And I loved, I loved psychoanalysis. I finally ran out of dough. You know, because I, but I spent much of my life that way. I'm sure many people in this room have. I've always had the feeling, if I could just find out why I have these feelings, these feelings that I have, these feelings of inadequacy sometimes, these feelings of not fitting in, and the feelings that I'm too sensitive and people hurt my feelings a lot. And the feelings, these are not things that I would ever tell anybody or show anybody. I'd make a point to conceal them, but I always knew I had them. And I just hated these kind of feelings. And I thought if I could just find out where these feelings come from. Where did they come from? What happened? What was done to me? What was done to me to bring this about? I thought if I could just find out why, I'd be all right. And I'm sure there are people in this room, a lot of them, who are looking on that path right now, trying to determine why do I have these feelings? Why do I have these intensities? Why do I have these ups and downs? Let me give you some hope. You can find out why you have those feelings. And I think in several different therapies, actually, you may get different answers, but they all seem valid. You can find out why. And I found out why in at least two different therapies. The negative part is it doesn't help. You wind up feeling crappy and knowing why. And the only possible use I've ever been able to think of for that information is maybe some night in a bar, you stand there and some big moose comes over and says, What the hell is wrong with you? And then you can tell him. I wasn't sufficiently nurtured as a child to be an original church leader. An old analogy I used to say, but I haven't said it for a long time, so I want to hear it one more time. I've lived my life as though I were on the deck of the Titanic. And it hits the iceberg, and down it goes. And everybody rolls away as fast as they can. And people like me say, I'm not getting off this baby until I find out why this happened. And you may find out why to give you a real kind of a wave of exultation. New people out in the boats! I know why! It takes a heap of living to realize knowing why you're going down is of no value whatsoever. You've got to get off the ship is what you've got to do. But when I was a boy, 15 years old, I was restless and discontented. My parents had divorced, which was no big thing then, now. But then I had never heard of a divorce until my parents got divorced. That's the kind of milieu I lived in. And they were very religious in my church. And divorce was unheard of. Which in itself isn't so bad. A lot of kids want a divorce. But me, without ever having seen a divorce or heard of a divorce, I instinctively reacted to it as though I'd been around them all my life and had selected the wrong, worst way to handle it. Without even missing a beat, I began instinctively playing my mother against my father to avoid discipline. When my father was on my case, I'd run to my mother and tell her tales about him. And when she got on me, I'd run to my father and tell him tales about her. And when they both got on me intermittently, I'd run to my grandmother and tell her tales about all of them. And which was a... got me out of a lot of things. Sorry, just a conditioned reflex. I'm a trained killer, Kevin. I'm trying to make this a long talk so Kevin will have a new sobriety record. What I'm hoping is you say, I'll stay sober and show that dirty son of a bitch. But I gotta... I believe that most of my problems in my life began in that period. Because I'd been raucous before that, but I was bright. And I'd skipped a grade and a half in school at Christmas time one year. And I was really... I was on the playgrounds. I was the captain of my baseball team, whatever it might be. And I was always involved in everything. Once I got shoved ahead in school, I fell behind a little bit. But I was doing alright. When I was about 12, I had some psychological thing here. But when I began losing that discipline, I think there's a passage of life there must be somewhere. Because I fell behind there, and I'll tell you. I was learning lessons at 35 and 40 that I should have gained when I was 13 and 14, I think. It just is a dumb thing. When I was 15, I'd already... I was about to flunk out of high school. I was... My parents, I felt bad. The war had just been on for a little while. I wanted to do something. I wanted to get out of here. And I felt silly. And one day, my mother told me I was going to visit my aunt in Superior. And she packed my little bag and gave me bus fare. And I hitchhiked to San Francisco. I had no idea where the hell I was going. I was the dumbest little kid you ever... This high, pimply-faced dummy. But they were just crying for merchant semen. And I got one ride all the way from Minneapolis to San Francisco. I was telling some guy, I said, Stand here and hitchhike. And the guy said, Where are you going? And I said, San Francisco. He said, Good. So am I. Hop in and away we went. Yeah. And during that, he was in the Navy. He was going to San Francisco to be returned to a ship. But I was just some kind of a humorous addition to his travel, I guess, you know. But I was the dumbest little kid. He'd ask me questions about life, and I'd tell him. And we'd... At night, we'd stop. And we'd stop at... They weren't... They were more like trailer courts then, not motels. But I didn't... No. He was... He'd get me a place to sleep. And he'd buy my meals. And all these things. We'd go all the way... We'd travel for days. I thought about that later, you know. I didn't even think it was unusual. I just thought, That's what happens when you hitchhike. I'd never hitchhiked before. You just... Tell them where you're going, and they get you there. Yeah. And I got to San Francisco. And he showed me where the Coast Guard office was. He said, Don't try to tell... Don't try to be in the Navy. You can't get in the Navy. Tell them you want to be in the Merchant Marine. So I filled out application. Put down 60. Lied my age. And they said I'd have to have my parents' permission. So I took the application on the block. Got my parents' permission. Brought it back. And they were so crying for semen in those days, they issued me semen papers right there. And they sent me to the National Maritime Union down in Embarcadero. And I schlepped down there. And I signed a waiver for my Union dues. And they sent me to the... I'm sorry. The Union was out in Montgomery. They sent me to the Embarcadero. They shipped me there. That's where the ships were. And I was so glad. This enormous ship. And away we went. And the afternoon that I got to San Francisco, I was on my way to the South Pacific. And I remember standing there. And there was Treasure Island. People said, That's where the World's Fair was last year. We went by Alcatraz. That was exciting. I tried to look and see if I could find Al Capone or Machine Gun Kelly. Under the Golden Gate Bridge. And the damn ship just kept going. And the Earth began falling out of sight astern. And I think I had an intuitive feeling that I had made the first in an endless series of career errors. I went up to some guy. I said, You know, I really appreciate this opportunity. But I shouldn't be getting back then. We had a big English test Monday. And I... He wished me well. He told me to luck off. He said, Get to your foxhole. I didn't know what a foxhole meant. I said, Get to your foxhole. He said, Get to your foxhole. I didn't know what a foxhole was. But it sounded ominous. And one of these turned out to be a sleeping room, as you find out. But I didn't know that. And here's this room with three of the worst type of people that a small, skinny, pimply faced, dumb kid can be with. These kind of people are called men. And they looked at me. And I now know why they looked at me. And so... Because I was the fourth member of their deck watch. And when they saw me, they realized they were each going to be doing one and a third men's work for us. And I said, I'm going to be doing one and a third men's work for the rest of that ship. I can see there's a little tension in the air. So I told them some stories that used to go over good in the study hall. Why don't you get your goddamn bunk and shut up? So that seemed to be a good idea. And it was just a terrible trip. I mean, I got to be... I didn't do much. I got to be their whipping boy. I got to be their kind of their Quasimodo. You know? I remember I had an idle time. Something to do. I'd say, Hey, kid. Go down to the engine room. Tell them we need a left-handed wrench. Hey, kid. Go up on the bridge. Tell the captain we want some elbow grease. And one of the things they did in that ship was offer me a drink of whiskey. And I had been kind of a bad kid. Not a bad kid, but a wild kid. But I never drank any whiskey. And I was never going to drink any whiskey. But I... Well, they pulled the bottle to my face and said, You think you're man enough to take a drink of whiskey? I said, You think you're man enough to take a drink of whiskey? I said, You think you're man enough to take a drink of whiskey? I said, I was building up my arguments to point out why I wouldn't. And I heard a voice say, God damn right. I took a drink of whiskey. And it made me throw up. And they laughed at me and ridiculed me. And all the way across the Pacific Ocean, while we were going along, you know, once, at least once a day I guess, I'd sink in this guy's sea bag, or any of these guys' sea bag, and have a bottle. I'd take a drink of that. And I'd throw it up. And I'd throw it up. And I'd throw it up. And I'd throw it up. And I'd throw it up. And I'd throw it up. And I'd throw it up. And I'd throw it up. And I'd throw it up. And they made me throw up so terrible, I'd always made me throw up so terrible, so sick, and they laughed at me and ridiculed me. Subtitles by the Amara.org community and then I turned out I couldn't breathe and then something else happened all of a sudden when I didn't throw it up I found myself feeling significantly better I felt warm all over and tingly and I realized that's why people drink because it makes you feel better you know I've always envied these people who've had great breakthroughs and have insights and understandings that I don't have I heard a guy a couple years ago he said when I held that drink down I knew I'd gone into a new garden of experience with many flowers and many buds and many fruits to be partaken of over the coming years I thought Jesus I wish I'd known that you know all I did was if you drink if you don't puke and you can breathe it makes you feel better and I drank I didn't become a terrible little drunk I just like everything else I learned to smoke on that ship I learned to swim there I learned to talk about girls fantasize about I'd fantasized about but I never talked about it and I did a and I no big deal I didn't become a big drunk I just drank and sometimes got drunk and threw up and I'd get to be funny doing that and funny vomiting smoking funny down here just a goof and later in the war I got old enough I went in the Navy and I drank some more there not good not a terrible drinker but you know funny thing when you're young it seems like you can bounce back you can get up in the morning after two hours sleep it's kind of hard when you get old but anyway at the end of the war I went to the Naval Hospital up in Pleasant California and I was good on tests they passed around some tests I took a test and the base of that they gave me a high school diploma which I never realized at the time but changed my life if I would have got that diploma that certificate I would have had to go back to Eau Claire Wisconsin I would have had to go back to Eau Claire Wisconsin I would have had to go back to Eau Claire Wisconsin and start my junior year of high school after the war and I never would have done that never in a thousand years but so I was able to go to college the first year of veterans after the war first class of veterans and then married in college went out in the world became a sports writer and little by little as my family grew I had to get better jobs I got an advertising and public relations and all these years I drank and I never paid much attention thinking of just something you did we drank in high school in college you know we get together a lot in college talking about the war and drink and mostly BS but we drank about it yeah and we had a lot of fun it just was a very strong tough era it seemed to me and when I got out the people I ran with were drinkers because drinkers are I'd like to be around drinkers because they're they're really people I hate to be around pukes with little thin blue lips well I have a night in a bar I think about that think about this many times if I'm living in El Paso as I was at one time and one o'clock in the morning people says hey I want to be around people who say yeah I don't want to be around a bunch of pukes who say why it's so late what will I tell Margaret tell her to keep you home you wussy I like to just change these things I want to be around people because they're fun guys and I drinking although I never paid really a lot of attention to it I look back and I see what drinking does for people like me I thought it did it for everybody but turns out it doesn't it takes people like me who don't feel like I'm enough and when I have a few drinks usually I feel like I'm more than enough takes a guy like me with hurt feelings all the time I hurt somebody else's feelings as a rule I don't get over my fear I feel like I'm something I feel like you I feel the way people look and I just love it I love drinking and I you learn to love to drink things you like I learned to like martinis and love them and drink those in my job situations I love to drink rum and coca-cola and in Texas I drank so much rum I got so I'll have a glass of water in the morning I'd pass out you just that's what happened that's what they call people wine you drink enough of that stuff that's good and I like a lot of beer and of beetles sorts of things that are different things and I love a lot of things I love all kinds of things it helps me engage life I know sometimes on I when I walk down the street and I'm on the wagon number but this year I walked us around the wagon and we can see that cruddy buildings you can see the Sun people and you go that suddently and I remember certainly America now by day but everyone's do you the same reaction there's see you at the cruddy place you are. But when you have a few drinks, you walk down the street, sometimes you get tears in your eyes over the beauty of the sunset. Just the wonderful people you know. Just, oh, shit, it's wonderful here. That's a great feeling. My only problem is I have an intermittently unfortunate tendency to drink a little too much. And I overshoot. And as I found out later in psychoanalysis, that wasn't my fault either. Many times I've been thoughtlessly over-served. Then I have a tendency to get in jams, because I have a tendency to get bizarre. I discovered later in psychoanalysis that it was because I had been repressed as a child, and I was just breaking loose of my bonds. I tried to explain that to a cop one night, and he was not a student of psychoanalysis, apparently. But so I was a, even though I was a kid, I was acting pretty, I loved, that's the only time I feel like something when I'm drinking. That's the only time, I thought about that later, you know. Here's the strange thing. In my life of repression, I would say that probably, certainly, in my chasing of girls, and even in marriage, I was sufficiently repressed. I could not go to bed with my wife and make love unless I was drinking. I could not do it sober. It was just something you, it was too, something inside of me. And just, that's the way my life was. That's why I drank. And that's why people felt I got a little bizarre when I drank. And that's why I was sent to my first AA meeting in 1949. That's a long time ago. A lot of you little snots weren't even born. We're glad you're here. Ha ha ha. But I, well, you're forced to say that, you know. But I, it didn't take me long, a few weeks to discover I don't belong here. Alcoholics Anonymous is not for people like me. It's for people whose problem is drinking. My problem is introvert, and sometimes the pressures get to me, I drink too much. But these are people who can't drink at all. You know, guys are saying things like, I stayed drunk every drink I took. And I came to this meeting, I've been sober. I've just felt wonderful. It's just, doing me a world of good. Ha ha ha. Why don't you tell your face, you old puke. You know. But AA is a great place for people whose problem is alcohol. My problem is trying to find the control of it. And I thought that made me entirely different. I didn't realize for years and years that I had just entered into the absolute middle. The middle of the road, trodden down path of alcoholism. And I'm sure to one extent or another, everybody in this room, the specifics vary, but what we have in common are so similar. In the last few years, as I've talked about before, because I've been active a lot, and I've been active a lot of years, I've been asked to have the opportunity to do something that a lot of people haven't had a chance to do yet. And that is being asked to speak in various places around the world. In Cape Town, in Johannesburg, in New York, in New York, in Johannesburg, in Berlin, in Dublin, in Belfast, in Amsterdam, and Paris and Sydney and Auckland, a lot of places. And you'd think you'd find all sorts of exotic alcoholism and exotic experiences and exotic approaches to the program there. And the most amazing thing of all is that if you can ignore the accents, you hear exactly the same talk you hear in this meeting or any meeting like it. And every meeting seems to be made up all over the world, this meeting and other meetings. See, as I look at it now from a different viewpoint, it almost looks like every Alcoholics Anonymous meeting is almost the same to one degree or another, whatever the size. There are some people here who have been able to find the program, do it, feel part of it, and believe in it. There's also in every meeting a group of people who come here who can stay sober, who would like to perhaps, but eventually get cynical about it, and come, and they come, and they come and go, and come and go. And in every group there's a group of newer people, and these two forces fight for their souls. This group says, you've got to do these inconvenient, unpleasant things, and this group says, you don't have to do that stuff. And they both believe they're right. And it's the same thing all over the world. The universal cry of every alcoholic in the world that I know of at one time or another is always the same. But my case is different. We all know our case is different, which makes, it's kind of funny when you think about it, but it isn't funny because that's what causes people to die. In my work today, some of you know I see every so often somebody die from alcoholism, and sometimes go mad from alcoholism, that irreversible insanity. And I, you know, I know a way out. I want to just shake them and say, come on! I know where you've been, and I'm doing fine. And they can't do it because they've got so far into their feelings of difference that they can't. The seal is closed. The door is no longer open. Just as though words are bouncing off, right, three feet. And I know that feeling because I've sat so many times, and people talk to me, and I just, like, intercollegiate, you know, convalescing, just shot them down, shot down their words before they ever got to me. I know you mean well, but you don't understand. I have these special problems. I have these special problems. I have these special emotions. I have this special history. I have this special something. I have a special ethnic background. I have this special something. But I know this. My case is different. And AA works very well for people whose problem is drinking, but it doesn't seem to have much effect on people like me who use drinking to help themselves with their problem. Different proposition. I remember sitting in meetings over the years thinking, I wish I could be like these people. I wish I was simple like these people. I could understand that. But there's something different about me. You know, the last day I drank, I had finally, I'd had some successes, I'd had some failures, and most of you all, tedious story, you know this tedious story, that finally, the last day of my drinking, I found myself, two big guys throwing me out of the midnight mission on Skid Row. I didn't even know anybody within a thousand miles to speak of. And I wasn't here, I was just on the run from Texas where they were going to put me back in the insane asylum. And everything was gone. My home was gone. My, everything was gone. I stood outside the midnight mission in the morning, much like this morning, cold, a low light drizzle, and cold, and I'd lost my clothes, and I'd had my front teeth kicked out in the Phoenix drunk tank three or four weeks before. And everything was gone. And as soon as I get to the park where I get leukemia and die, you'll like that. If Johnny Harris would give that kind of talk, people would cry for two hours. Oh, Johnny, that's so goddamn beautiful. I talk about dying. But if I was passed on to that mission, and I'd had some success. I'd been on a faculty at the University of Texas. I'd been writing ads. Some of them were appearing that week. I'd seen all my ads were running. One of the most successful ads in America at that time. I had my picture in the New York Times once for an achievement I'd done. Yeah. But now it was all gone, like gone with the wind, you know. Terror was gone, and I was gone. And I was standing outside, and if a man were to come up to me and said, you know, you're no slim. You're dying. You're about 100 pounds. Your family is gone. You have no idea where they are. Your home is gone. Your parents will not accept a collect phone call from you. You can't think of anybody in America that will accept a collect phone call from you. I'm sure there were people who would have, but I couldn't, I didn't know who they were. And everybody, everyone's really angry with you. They're just so disappointed in you that you've broken your promises so many, many times. No one wants to hear from you anymore. Even your own mother doesn't want to hear from you because you're going to break her heart. Now. You've been going to AA for years now. And you've been going to psychoanalysis. You've been reading philosophy. You've been doing all these things. And there's, and here you are, you were drunk again last night. Couldn't you conceive, couldn't you admit that you're an alcoholic? And I'll tell you, if my life depended on it, which it did. If somebody had to ask me that, if they put a lighter in my arm, I'd say, but I'm not. It isn't the way it looks. It isn't the way it looks. You don't understand. And if you say, well, why don't you prove that you're not an alcoholic? Prove that you're not an alcoholic. I couldn't have done that. I wouldn't have the perspective or the knowledge to do that. So I probably would have had to take refuge behind the veneer that frightened, scared people. They shout. I'd say, get him, leave me alone. Get out of my face. Screw you. Leave me alone. I'd rather say, I wouldn't, I couldn't say, I don't know. I don't know. I've known for many years why I knew I was an alcoholic. I know now, and I've seen it in many, many people I've worked with. And that's one of the great reasons why I learned it. Let me give you something. If you ever want to learn a lot about yourself, work with newcomers, and you'll see how you look from the outside. And it really looks a lot different. Because as has often been said, you know, when I'm working with a newcomer, there's nothing between his problem and my eyes except air. And I can see that. But between my problems and my mind, there's a labyrinth of rationalizations and justifications and explorations. And yes, but that isn't quite the way it is, is it? No, I couldn't believe what it is, you know. That's why it's so amazing here that you have to work with others. One of the most difficult, one of the most strange things I remember thinking about is how such things when I was newer, discovering that calling up my sponsor and telling him how I felt was the beginning of making me feel better. And that, what can you possibly say to it? Just the very fact of getting out in the air around you. Instead of this continued baffling around the labyrinth and maze of that sick mind. But I would have not known how to answer it. But now, it's very simple. I know why I felt that way. Because based on the experience I had in AA, I knew what alcoholics were. I think people here in my first meeting know what an alcoholic is. That's a person who when they drink, their lives get all screwed up, their emotions get painful. And they just have a hell of a time until finally they're driven to some place like AA. Then they accept them and get them shaped up. And their emotions get straightened up. And their lives get comfortable. And they live pretty comfortably. I know that's true. Because I remember two or three times over the years, I still stick in my mind to this day, after almost 50 years, of listening to, or 45 years, listening to people. I remember sitting in Dallas someplace, at a meeting, just to come in. I was working in a big advertising agency. I was having a hell of a time. I was feeling I was about to lose my job. So I'd sneak away to meetings at noon. I thought there would be some spark there that was going to change everything. And I remember this guy saying, You know, I haven't seen my two little boys for five years. But I'm going to see them this weekend. We're going to go to the zoo. And they're going to have the best time they ever had. And they're going to have a real dad. I remember sitting there thinking in the back row, Jesus, I envy you. I have a whole house full of kids. I dropped some of them off at school this morning. And I'll see them all tonight. And you feel closer to your two little boys you haven't seen in five years than I feel to my children I saw this morning at 10 o'clock. What is that? I remember in San Francisco or someplace, a woman, another thing that stuck in my mind, she said, You men probably wouldn't understand this. But when I drink, I feel dirty inside and out. And I bathe, and I take showers, and I wash. But I never feel clean. I just don't understand it. But since I've been coming to this program and doing some of these things, what my sponsor suggests, I'm starting to feel cleaner every day. I start to feel clean inside a little bit. I got a feeling someday I'm going to feel like every woman in the world. I need to be of service. I remember thinking to myself, Jesus, you don't have to be a woman to know that feeling, kid. I felt dirty inside and out since I was 12 years old. I don't know why. But I just can't scrub it out. That's why I drink. Because when I drink, it goes away. But when I get sober again, there it is. Only a little bit dirtier. I remember a guy in Chicago, I guess, Logan Square Group. Do you remember that? Upstairs. He said, I've been a vice president of IBM for five years. For three of those years, I had a hell of a time. I've always felt I had to look over my shoulder. They're going to find me out. They're going to find out I'm a phony. I don't do anything. I'm full of lies. I'm just phony. But since I've been coming around here, I'm starting to feel like they've got a good man in me. You know that? I don't often feel that, but I'm starting to feel that more every day. I think they're lucky to have a guy like me because I'm doing a hell of a job for them. I remember thinking, oh, I envy you. I wish I had that feeling because I spent my whole life wondering if they're going to find me out today. I don't even know what they're going to find out, but they're going to find me out. And I know what the alcoholics are. And they come to A and they get better. And that's why I know I'm not an alcoholic. I drink the same. I drink more than most alcoholics ever know. I can drink a lot of alcoholics under the table. The reason is this. In some way that I could not identify, my taste is 180 degrees different from alcoholics. Unlike them, it is when I get sober and get straightened out, that's when my emotions become hideously painful. And that's when my life becomes unbearable. And the longer I try to do good, the worse it gets. And eventually I can't stand it. And when I drink, I don't drink because I'm a drinker because I want to run a muck through the streets. I drink, damn it, to feel the way you feel when you're sober. That's why I drink. And sometimes I drink too much. And then well-meaning people, and other well-meaning people say things like, well, you've got a drinking problem, son. You ought to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I say, gee, thank you for the advice. But inside of me a visceral voice just wants to scream, but I've been to Alcoholics Anonymous. I've been everywhere. You don't understand. Doesn't anybody understand? What the hell is wrong? And you wind up starting to have problems with drinking, and bad things happen, which makes you feel worse, which makes you have to drink to get rid of the bad feelings. So you wind up in the funniest thing I think many people have. You don't have to be flamboyant like me to be like a housewife drunk, where you wind up drinking to forget you're drinking. You don't even wind up drinking to forget you're drinking. The drinking gets you in situations where you feel bad. And this is the only way to get over feeling bad. So you drink to... And people say, Well, why do you drink? Don't you know what's happening to me? Don't you even care? And hardly anybody ever thought of the answer to that. But the answer to that, of course, is quite simple. When you think about it later. I care so damn much I can't stand it. That's why I drink. You don't understand. You're a cold, judgmental fish, goddammit. There's something raw inside of me that I can't handle. And that's why... While I was standing outside of the Midnight Mission in the light rain falling this morning, I wouldn't have been able to explain all that, but I felt it and I knew it viscerally, but I couldn't ever explain it to anybody. But I stood there and... Nobody came over to me and talked to me. Nobody said anything. I didn't have to give any answers. But it was cold like it was this morning and I didn't have any... I had a shirt and a pair of pants and no coat. And so I... I started walking. I walked 71 blocks out to the corner of Wilshire and Fairfax where there's a little AA club called the 6300 Club at that time. And I'd been asked to leave from there a week before for being in there drunk and fighting and denouncing them and acting like a jerk. And... They didn't want to really let me in, but they let me in finally. And I lurked in there and I hung around and I just hated it. But not only was there an AA club, there had been all kinds of AA meetings and clubs. I don't know what AA is. But this was a club that was full of AA fanatics. I don't think hardly anything works when you're feeling bad than to run across AA fanatics. If you're new, you may not know what AA fanatics are, right? Well, here's an example. I'm not a mooch by nature. I don't beg. Well, sometimes you have to let people know what you need so they know how to help you. Well, I said to a club, I have no place to stay and I have no money for food. I'm really quite sick and I have no place to turn. If I just had some help, I'm sure it would be all right. It's a simple, straightforward statement. And the AA fanatics say, Go to a lot of meetings, work the steps, it'll all work out. Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Of course, the correct answer to that is, Gee, you're number one with me, sir. Ha ha ha ha ha! But I wound up living in the backseat of an abandoned car in their parking lot. And it was just hideous and terrible. And I had no place to turn. I just felt so bad. And I thought to myself, It's just, you know... But I really thought a couple of times. In Texas once, I had tried to commit suicide and succeeded and had to be dropped back to life in order to be put to death. And I was in the insane asylum. Ha ha ha ha, yeah. Out of that trip, of course, was that... And I didn't say that... I don't want to sneak it in because it's Christmas. They saw on my record that I had directed an opera at the University of Texas in El Paso. And when I came out for electric shock treatments, they wanted to give me some occupational therapy. So they had me direct a Christmas pageant to Texas State Insane Asylum in Big Spring, Texas. In 1956. And... Some of you who are new have not heard this wonderful story about the director's responsibility. It was not... It was not exactly as complex as an opera. The director's main job was trying to hold the three wise men off the Virgin Mary if he wasn't really... Ha ha ha ha. They just wanted to worship her, Clay, you see. Ha ha ha. But I had... I remember thinking to myself several... A couple of occasions. I wonder if my suicide in Texas was successful. And this is what hell is. Just living with scorn and sneering people and people looking at you and treating you badly and no place to turn and nobody cares. I can't think of any better definition of hell. I don't suppose anybody who has slept as long as I have whether stayed sober finally as long as I did. I'm sure there's never... There's anybody like that who doesn't eventually look back and think, what was different this time? What changed this time? What was the difference? You know, that's a big difference from being a guy that knew all about AA and can't stay sober to a guy that's staying sober. How can you... How does this bring him up? And I'd like to know that, as I've often said, not for my own information, it'd be nice to know, but I wish I could most likely convey it to people whom I know that are having difficulty and can't stay sober, who are really putting forth, as far as I can see, an effort but can't stay sober. I wish I could communicate that to them. I wish I could show them, you know. And, you know, I... Because of my long checkered history, people sent me people from other parts of the country. There's a couple of people in this room who were sent to me. One guy from Georgia, somebody else from another place. And I... And I had no magic answer for them. They stayed sober finally, but not because of my answer I had for them. I wish I had that answer I wish I could tell them. I wish I had some sense. But there is no sense. You know, it's a sad thing when people come to you and they... They're desperate, they say. They said, to come and see you when you could tell me how to stay sober. And I have to say, I can't do that, pal. I cannot give you sobriety. I wish I could. I'd give anything if I could do it. Because it gets... It gets down... Something I was thinking about a couple of months ago, a little while ago, about three or four years ago, maybe four or five years ago, my grandsons, teaching them to ride a bicycle in the driveway of my backyard one Sunday. And watching my grandson, John, topple down. He could not get a bounce. And he got a bloody nose. His arm got scratched. And he just... And I'll tell you, I felt I would give anything to take the falls for the kid. Let me fall down. Let me get me bloody nose. I could let me scratch my... I know how to do that. I can take that stuff, John. But you can't. You have to just pick them up. Say, well, John, get back on now. Move your legs and steer. I don't want to do this. Any new example? Yes, you do. You just don't know. And he kept riding this old cock-a-doodle-doo bicycle. Kept trying. And I'm sure this happens to a lot of people in this room. But the magic of this is this. People that do that, if they keep trying, one day, out of nowhere, and there is the single person in the world that I know can explain what happens. Out of nowhere, you suddenly, on one moment, you suddenly get a sense of balance. And you'll have that for the rest of your life. You can ride bikes for the rest of your life. You never even think about it. You can ride motorcycles. You can do anything. But you cannot give that ability to someone for whom you would give your life. I give my life for you, and you mean I can't give you an ability to ride a bicycle? Nope. Can't. And in a much more complex way, this thing called sobriety and Alcoholics Anonymous is the same thing. Give someone that ability to stay sober. Everybody must be converted to it. This is truly, you know, some people call it this kind of an activist, activist faith, almost not a religion, but a faith. But it must be the only faith in the world where every member is a convert. There are no born and raised members of this faith. There are no born and raised members of this faith. Everybody came here knowing secretly it can't work. And that's what makes it so difficult for us. And I wonder why I was successful. It wasn't because I wanted to stay sober, because the only time I ever tried to stay sober very long is I wound up committing suicide in a garage in El Paso. And if a neighbor hadn't found me and beat up my chest, I would have been a little gravestone overgrown for a lot of years now. And it wasn't because I, it wasn't because I had any great breakthroughs or understandings. It was because I had the ability to stay sober and I had the ability to look back because the most strange is the most apparent thing. And it didn't because I had clear feelings or realavas. It was because The best thing I can tell you is such a dumb thing. It sounds so stupid, because I was so frantic, so desperate to get along. It was almost like, like I was back on that damn ship waking at 15. Around people who knew what they were doing and me screwed again and allowing me doing the same thing I did that ship doing this they didn't say go down and the engine room gives me a left-handed wrench but they say something equally stupid help pick up these chairs then said we can send me up at the bridge together and in the captain they had me go take this action do this take you do something get a sponsor got a sponsor you made me crazy because he just I'd be doing a series of inane actions it's just apologize that woman why should I because you call her a bitch well if you must know she is a bitch nobody cares but you think don't apologize sorry you bitch go to that stinking job and Jesus mother I used to be an executive I'm a good writer they let me wrap in packages with dollars 49 cents an album they're screwing me around nobody cares it's the only job you can get gotta work cover that meeting I don't want to go to that central Hollywood meeting it's all weirdos jeez they're weird some of the men dress like women some of the women dress like men some guys got twirly-toed elf boots on Della Lugosi goes to that meeting from time to time you'll bite your goddamn neck there Bob they're weirdos you'll fit right in go to the car and tell me we're gonna do it it's not a good job the difference is this the difference between this time and the other time and the other time I would have told him to go get screwed but this time I said and did it and as far as I can determine that's the major difference why I'm sober down 37 years and the guy the man that taught me that is died drunk cause he stopped doing it I wish there was some magic way to tell you I wish there was some magic way to tell you But I think the greatest problem I've ever had here, and I'm sure most of you have had, is that funny little word they call surrender. Surrender. Of not being, of somehow acting as though I don't know what's best for me. I might even believe I know what's best for me, but to act as though I don't know what's best for me. To get a sponsor. A person like me, I needed a sponsor. A sponsor was more important to me than Alcoholics Anonymous by far. I knew all about Alcoholics Anonymous. And the sponsor I had did something that they say sponsors shouldn't do. He didn't consult with me. He just told me what to do. Do that. Do that. You know, it's a funny thing. A few years ago, somebody was telling me, you know, isn't it Bob Bailey? He never talked like that. He didn't say, blah, blah, blah. He said he always talked in a modulated, pleasant voice. He was an actor. I guess that's right. But I heard him say, blah, blah, blah. He had a certain, maybe it was his eyes adding an overtone to it. I see him every once in a while in old movies. I saw him in a movie about the Saratoga. He played a naval pilot a couple months ago. Really funny to see. Just slender, nice guy. That's the way I saw him. I saw him as a tough, overpowering guy. But I gave him that power. He couldn't get that power. You know, as I've said a lot of times, in my area, I'm known as something of a dictator type sponsor. And people say, oh, you shouldn't be that. But it's impossible to be a dictator type sponsor without the absolute approval of a dictatee. Because all you have to say is, screw you, and the dictatorship is over. I've always thought we should have AA police who come in the night and say, did you say screw you to your sponsor? Come with us. Let a re-education camp outside of Akron, Ohio. And I suppose the reason I allowed him to do it is because I instinctively, I had a deep, then I wouldn't have identified it, but I looked now, I respected him. I respected him because I couldn't fool him. I'd like to have people like me. In those days, everybody does. And I knew ways to make them like me if I really worked at it. But if they liked me, I kind of lost respect for them because they were easy to fool. People who saw through me, I hated. I'd just as soon kill them. But I respected them. Because they could see through my crime. And that guy saw through me, and he had just a knack of being mean to me at the same time, giving me a pat on the back. I forget to mention that sometimes. And saying, you know, you're all right, kid. You're doing all right. Little things like that. So there was not just a stick, but there was a care. But he had me take action that saved my life. I think about that. Some years later, when he had some problems in his life, and he got mad at AA because they'd changed the format of the group he founded, Pacific Island. And he stopped going there, and he tried to go to the Synodon. He was going to work with those people, and pretty sure he'd take some pills, and pretty sure he got drunk and died. Now, I've got another sponsor. I've got a sponsor who perfectly is a sponsor. The most active man in the world. And he was my sponsor for 20-odd years, a guy named Chuck C. And there wasn't a week in all those years I didn't talk to him on the phone. From wherever in the world I was. But I think to myself, if Chuck C. was my sponsor when I was new, I would have been dead. Thirty-seven years now. Because he never told me what to do. He shared, and he pointed out, and we talked about things. But when I got sober and doing well, pretty well, then I could understand what he was talking about. But up to the end, it was just conversation. Just talk, just talk. This man saved my life and got me into active work, and got me into habits, and got me into doing things that I do to this day. Served me in good stead. And enabled me to live. But it makes it kind of, you know, we all like to go around and give simple talks like, Here's what happened, folks. I did this, and it all changed. But it doesn't work that way. This is life. Life is a series. Life is an endless series of crossroads. And some of them are very poorly marked. And you really don't know which way to turn. And you say, I want to do God's will. You know. On the wall of my office, I have that prayer. It's been quoted by others, but it's the best prayer on my wall of where I've been for many, many years. It really is the story of my life in Alcoholics Anonymous. It says, Dear God, I have no idea where I'm going. I do not see the road ahead of me. And the fact that I think I'm following your will does not necessarily mean that I'm doing so. But I believe this. I believe the desire to please you does in fact please you. I hope I never do anything apart from that desire. I hope I will always try to please you. And I know that if I do this, you will never leave me to face my troubles all alone. Because I think that's what it is. We can all talk about God's will and God's knowledge and God speaking through him and me. But we're fallible human beings. And we're curses of the problem, this thing called alcoholism, which turns out I was an alcoholic. But I discovered what alcoholism was. It's true, for those of you who are new, my problem never was really alcohol. It was, but it wasn't. But it turns out there's a name for that condition. It is called alcoholism. And it's made up of people who find sobriety unbearable and eventually find drinking unbearable. And they're caught in the middle. And they all feel their case is different. That funny little paragraph they read at the end of what we read in Chapter 3 talks about when people are like, what have we done? We've changed from scotch to brandy. We drink beer only. We never drink at the office. We only drink at the office. We don't drink at home. We read spiritual literature. We do all these things. There's a whole paragraph of things that sometimes people laugh when you hear them. But they're really not funny because I think that's most of those things I've done and I'm sure most of the things you've done. Why do you do those sort of things? That's when you've gotten to the crossroad where you can't stay sober and you can't drink. And then you are screwed. And then you start looking for compromises. Maybe if I just drink beer, that'll ease me off and I won't get in trouble. Maybe if I just drink wine. Maybe if I just... All the things. Maybe if I just drink at home. It's just a continual vain attempt because I have no knowledge of the fact that as long as... The thing that makes me an alcoholic is that alcohol has an unnatural power in my body. So what is that unnatural power? It must have the power to almost instantly make everything alright. I thought it did that for everybody but it doesn't. It only does that for six or seven percent of the people in the world who drink. And if it does that, you naturally become dependent on it and your abilities are raised to deal with reality a bit worse. So you wind up with grown up brain, grown up body, grown up intelligence, grown up strength, grown up desires, and all of the intermittent beck and call of distorted perceptions of reality. So finally the day comes when you must drink. But now drinking is the problem. Now you've got to stop drinking. But you can't stay sober so you've got to drink. But you can't keep drinking so you've got to get sober. But you can't stay sober so you've got to drink. That is called alcoholism. And that is... That is a... It's a lethal thing. In America where there's more sobriety today than any place in the history of the world, it is estimated about 95 percent of alcoholics still die drunk in America. And they die, I'm sure most of them die saying the same thing. They've always said that. I've said it and you've said it. But I'm not really an alcoholic. You don't understand. My case is different. My problems came when I was sober. I just drank to get some relief for God's sakes. And got a little out of hand. And they don't realize they've just defied the disease of alcoholism. And that's why if you're new you've got to remember getting sober will not make it better. The natural state of sober alcoholics is growing anxiety, depression, frustration. That is what makes alcoholism a deadly disease. If we're just getting off drinking, Christ, we'd all be home free. But you get sober and eventually sobriety becomes more painful than the memory of drinking. Then eventually drinking gets more painful than the memory of sobriety. And back and forth. And that's what all this is about. That's why we collect in these meetings and we have sponsors and we do these things. Because we discover that some way that no one can thoroughly describe to this day that taking a series of actions whether or not you agree with them or understand them over a period of time, surrendering your judgment as to what you think is best for you to an overriding thing. And this is true in West Carolina and it's true in Amsterdam and it's true in Berlin and it's true in the black meetings and the white meetings and the colored meetings in Cape Town and it's true all over the world. That surrender to take actions that eventually bring a change about. And that's very hard. And nobody knows it more than me, I guess, than you. Because we're all conditioned all our lives to hearing therapy say, you come to us, we'll change your actions, we'll change your thinking, and eventually your actions will change. And then there's this strange, offbeat, amateurish, hard thing to understand says, you come to us, we will change your actions and eventually your thinking will change. And it just seems stupid and childish. The only thing in his favor is this, it has rooms like this all over the world. The only sober alcoholics in the world are in Alcoholics Anonymous on a long-term basis. There's no place else. All these other places say, we've got sober alcoholics, you go to them and say, let me see a room full of them, please. Let me see your next meeting of sober alcoholics. This is the only place it is. And the hardest thing for us to do is to realize what a remarkable miracle Alcoholics Anonymous is. Because we sit around here a while, stay sober, do good, life get in order, and get bored and say, what am I hanging around AA for? Well, there you go. And it happens to a lot of people. So that's another reason we get together to reinforce what we already know. I haven't heard anything new in an AA meeting in 25 years. But I'd definitely be meeting without feeling better because I've been reformed and reinforced with the knowledge I already know. And that's why we gather together to deal with these emotions. Our actions begin to change our perceptions. AA very slowly does what alcohol does fast, I believe. Very slowly. And little by little, my perceptions change. And yet, inside of me, somewhere, the tiger is sleeping. And I'll guarantee you, when you've been around a while, you watch that tiger roar, and people that have done very well for a long time, but they stop taking care of the tiger, and one day the tiger's out, and they're gone, and they're crazy, and they're dead. So what we and I have to do, we have to do is remind each other to take care of our tiger. To take certain maintenance steps to make sure that he gets fed and gets his sedation on a regular basis. Because left to his own device, I can be dead in no time. So that's why we do these things. That's why we, one of the reasons this meeting is kind of important. Because now in the next few days, as you have the last few days, you're going to be exposed to one of the great all-time socially acceptable emotional binges called Christmas. I've never met anyone who really got high for Christmas who didn't feel disappointed Christmas afternoon. It wasn't this year either. I didn't get it. I don't know what it was, but I didn't get it. And people are crappy. I want my grandmother to be there, God damn it. But she's been dead since 1953, but I don't care. I want her there. And I want to see my uncle there and my Aunt Elma. That's why Christmas is love and sharing and not feed that God damn pony in the rain. So that's why we have to get together and remind ourselves Christmas is just really, there's some people, now we had a speaker at our group Wednesday night who says, there's no reason to be depressed at Christmas. Well, he doesn't know. He's a cold fish. To the in crowd, you can find reasons to be depressed anytime. And that's why we have to make sure we remember that Christmas is a nice day, but it's primarily, they don't have many good days, you know, we can give that to them. And I walk through it and dance my little dance and whatever one I do. But Christmas, I long ago gave up looking for Uncle Vern. I give them Christmas because I got to be, a day of joy for me is going to be June 7th and March 16th and April 3rd and all the days of the year. And for them it's just dull days, but they are days that a miracle takes place in my life because I get up and I take a series of actions and I surround myself with people who reinforce my ability to do it and I stay sober and I live and I become successful. When I stayed sober this time, as some of you know, I did become successful finally, not very quickly, very, very slow, but I eventually stayed sober and I went to work on time and I did the things and I got to be an executive and I got to be advertising director and I got radio and television in Hollywood and I became quite successful. Another guy and I created the number one hard rock station in the world. We all wore shiny suits and said things like, what's coming on down, baby? And then when I was 15 years sober that terrible occupational thing kicked in again that I found myself going to work at the Midnight Mission. Now for 22 years I've run the mission on Skid Row that threw me out. And people say to me, why would you give up your career just...