Mental Obsession Lifted at Ninety Days — I Was Scared to Breathe in Case It Came Back — Maria H.

Hey everybody, let's have an AA meeting. My name is Kat and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the Nava Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describe in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabluchipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them too, I must have this thing. And tonight Maria will be coming up here and telling her story. Her story, which I can't wait to hear. Met her Friday night over at Biscayne and so far she seems to be a pretty cool girl. So, anyway, y'all enjoy. Thank you, Kat. Hey, I'm Maria, I'm an alcoholic. Glad to be here. I love Nava. I love this group. I love coming to these meetings. First time I came to Nava, it was an afternoon meeting and, you know, I just immediately kind of got the feeling of, the sense of being, being home. And I love that feeling. My sobriety date is February 21st, 2015. My home group is the Biscayne Room, the Friday night sobriety first group. It meets on Friday nights at 8 o'clock. I have a sponsor. She has a sponsor. So, anyway, all of that. So, I'm a little over two years sober. I was born and raised here in Georgia. I grew up in Gwinnett County. I come from a, a very stable, loving family. Not a whole lot of drama in my family. My dad grew up in an alcoholic home. He, his father drank heavily. So, in his head, you know, he was like, well, I'm not going to be like that, so I just won't drink. So, he didn't drink. My mom didn't like the way it made her feel because she felt out of control. So, so, you know, me and me and my sister have both had stints in and out of rehab. Yeah, go figure. So, I don't know. I don't know what's up with that. But, I know that, you know, I grew up in a very loving home. Very, definitely knew right from wrong. That was instilled in me from a very early age. Loved, supported, not, you know, not a lot of trauma or dramatic experiences there. We were busy kids. Very busy. I have a sister that's three years older than me. And she, and she was my protector, you know, all the way up through. You know, college, really. So, I was, you know, I was a very sheltered, a very sheltered kid. I still remember, like, this is just, just to give you an idea. So, one of the first memories I have, I remember one of my best friends that lived up the street in my neighborhood. She told me that her parents were getting divorced. And I remember in my head, I was like, does that really happen to people? Or, like, I thought that just happened in the movies. And I was, like, traumatized. Like, that was my traumatic experience, right? So, very, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, very loving parents. We were very busy kids, very active. We were in a lot of activities, church and, you know, sports. You know, I did gymnastics and softball and basketball and, you know, running around all over. And I remember the phrase in my house all the time was, you know, idle time is the devil's playground. So, by golly, we're going to get you, you know, involved. So, I was very involved. And me and my sister were both very involved in a lot of kind of after-school activities. And, you know, from a very early age, I remember feeling, you know, I always felt safe, comfortable, and loved around my family. But getting outside of that, and it was just, you know, a lot of times felt like I couldn't function outside of, you know, my family. I was very uncomfortable, very insecure, very quiet. You know, had a hard time socializing, had a hard time kind of, you know, fitting in. And I always felt like that, but I knew I could go home and feel fine. But, you know, that kind of went with me all the way up through, you know, until I took my first drink. So, you know, I was a busy kid. Eventually, I really just kind of focused on gymnastics, and I really loved that. So I did that for a long time. All the way up through probably the beginning of middle school. And I was, you know, I was, you know, pretty good. And it hit a point where my coaches kind of sat down and said, hey, you know, do you want to continue this? Or, you know, if you do, it's going to be every day, multiple times a day. You'll probably have to be homeschooled, this and that. And, you know, my parents sat down with me and said, you know, it's up to you. If you want to pursue this, it's totally up to you. But education comes first. That was made very clear in my house. You know, so your school comes first, and this can come second. But it's completely up to you. But I knew that I wanted a life. You know, I knew that would mean no social life, no dances, no parties, no boyfriends. So I decided to quit because, you know, I wanted to be cool and, like, have friends and, you know, go to parties and have a boyfriend and all that kind of stuff. So I quit, and I decided to try out for the cheerleading squad. You know, I could tumble and stuff. I always made the team. And, you know, that was going to make me cool, right? So, and popular, one of the popular girls. So, which, you know, it never really fit because of my social inadequacy. You know, you have to be able to kind of, like, socialize and be, you know, open and, like, you know, fun. And I just, you know, never really was able to do that. So, anyway, so I started cheerleading and, you know, did all of that. And that kind of continued up through high school. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Um, but a lot of my friends had gotten drunk and I, I was definitely curious. I want to just see what, you know, what's, what's that all about? You know, getting drunk, how does that feel? You know, that kind of thing. So anyway, we got Zima, um, and we went to like an elementary school playground. You know, we were in, we were in middle school. So anyway, we, um, so we went to an elementary school playground and, um, and I split a six pack of Zima with another girl, right? And, you know, I was drinking and I was drinking and I was sitting down and I was sitting down and I, you know, I just wanted it to happen. I wanted to know what it was like. Like, let me just have this experience and then I'll be done and I'll move on and we'll be fine. You know, that was like kind of in my head at the time. But anyway, I got too drunk. I drank mine and then I found some other ones around and long story short, I got really sick. I ended up peeing on myself, which was very embarrassing. You know, I was in seventh grade. I'm trying to like maintain an adequate reputation. And that did not help the situation. You know what I mean? So I have urine all over my pants. I'm throwing up. My friend is like making out with a bunch of people. I don't know what she's doing. I'm like falling apart physically over here. So, um, you know, it was, it was just a bad night. I blacked out. I threw up, you know, it was just, and I remember waking up the next day at her house and she said something about like, yeah, she, you know, ate some bad food. I don't know. I don't know what she said, but anyway, we didn't get, end up getting in trouble. But, um, you know, I remember the next day I was like, Ooh, no, I'm not, you know, that is not for me. Like that is not going to help with my whole plan of like becoming cool and popular, you know, peeing and throwing up is not really in line with that. You know what I mean? So, you know, I kind of decided to like, you know, keep that at bay. But really every time I drank through high school, um, that was kind of how it went down for me. You know, so I found other substances that didn't help me. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know didn't make me throw up or pee all over myself, um, in high school. And that's kind of what I stuck to. But, you know, I do believe in singleness of purpose. I'm not really going to get into that at the podium. Um, and at the end, alcohol is what brought me to my knees. So, um, you know, so anyway, that, you know, that was kind of high school and, you know, my mom was a teacher at the high school that I went to. So she was a librarian. So she was very much in tune with what I was doing, who I was hanging out with, what was going on. And she noticed that I was kind of hanging out with some, you know, some of the bad kids, you know, that wore the Metallica t-shirts and sat in the back. And, you know, I'm starting to wear cut up jeans and, you know, hemp necklaces and, you know, whatever. Anyway, so she's getting concerned and, and my parents are very straight laced, you know, I'm very straight laced. And, you know, so as soon as they found anything or any kind of, you know, suspicion, I was thrown in rehab. And that was when I was, you know, when I was 16. So, um, and, you know, was there some unmanageability in my life at that point? Sure. You know, did I have some adverse effects on my grades? Yes. Did I have some, you know, definite consequences and rifts in my relationships with my friends and family? Absolutely. Um, but I was 16, you know, I was 16 years old and I went to rehab for the first time. Um, and I was 16 and I was pissed, you know, I was like, how dare you? You know, um, I was angry at my parents. I was angry at God. I was angry. You know, how dare you throw me in rehab? Do you know what some of my friends are doing? I'm just over here doing this. I'm fine. You know, um, anyway, went to rehab. I stayed in, um, an inpatient at charter for, I don't know, a week or two. And, and I, you know, just defiant, just defiant 16 year old. Um, I was pissed and I wasn't going to do anything they said. And how dare you try to tell me anything. And, you know, I quickly realized that it's not how you, you, you act and act in rehab if you want to get out, you know? So, but I learned it too late and they sent me to inner Harbor, which is an inpatient program, um, in Georgia also. So, you know, once I got there, I was like, Oh wow, this is like for real. Like I had better ship, you know, shape up or this is just, you know, going to continue. So, um, I stayed in inpatient there for a couple months, um, three months, I think it was. And then I did outpatient and, you know, did I get a grasp of like the 12 steps or AA or any of that? Not really. I, I did like a life story I remember. And it was just a lot of different pages of like 16 year old drama, you know, like my sister went to college. Oh my God. You know, she left me. Um, you know, it was just a whole lot of drama. And, um, you know, but I quickly realized like, I'm going to pretend like, you know, I have this problem and I'm doing well. And I'm like, you know, I quickly learned the game, you know? And I was like, I had better, um, talk the talk if I want to get out of here or if I want to like have an outdoor pass or whatever. So, um, that happened. And then I went through an outpatient there at inner Harbor. And, um, you know, I don't, I don't even remember having any time sober or even counting time at that point. Um, I was just trying to get through it and get back to like home and my friends and, you know, things that were important to me. Um, so after that, I went through, I went to outward bound, which is a wilderness program in Utah. Um, they, my parents were like, do you want to go to another outpatient program or do you want to go to the wilderness camp? And I was like the wilderness camp, let's do it, you know? Um, and I'm not like wilderness person, you know, I'm not like camper over here, but I was just like, you know, anything that's like keeps me from going to another inpatient or outpatient program where I have to write and like do this therapy stuff. And, um, I was like, I'm going to I just was so over it at that point. Um, so I went off to Utah. Um, you know, I didn't really know what I was signing up for there because it was, I mean, outward bound was like a real deal. Like you're backpacking and hiking, you're not showering, you know, you're, you're digging a hole and going to the bathroom. There's no toilet paper. I mean, it was like, like a real deal kind of camping situation. So, um, it definitely showed me what I was made of. And, um, you know, I, I, I laughed at the whole, the whole trip. I did not get shipped home. So that was good. Um, I made it through that. I got home and, um, you know, my parents were like, well, let's try this one last, you know, treatment program. Right. And I was like, okay, you know, they, they were like, it's a young people's treatment. I think you're going to like it. So I went to this meeting. Um, and there were all of these kids in the parking lot, my age, smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee, running around, yelling, cussing, screaming. I was like, what kind of cult have you taken me to? Like, what is going on here? But it was appealing because it was the first treatment type place that I ever went to that there were no locked doors. There was no padded room. There was no like guard standing, you know, right there ready to catch you if you're going to run. So I was like, okay, all right, let me, you know, check this out. So, um, long story short, it was a, um, you know, it was a young people's treatment. It was a young people's treatment. It was a young people's treatment. It was a young people's treatment that was kind of loosely based on the 12 steps. Um, they did have 12 step meetings. They changed some of the steps, um, to try to focus it more on young people. So, you know, um, but the bottom line is I, I ended up getting sober there and I ended up staying sober there for about 10 years. Um, you know, and it was the first place that I was really introduced to the 12 steps or any kind of, um, 12 step like, I guess, um, program. And, um, they changed the first step to, we admitted that part of our lives had become unmanageable, right? They took out the powerless part. Um, you know, and a lot of it I was able to identify with, um, because I could identify and I could understand that, you know, part of my life was unmanageable totally. Um, and then there were all of these other kids running around that were younger than me, you know, and their stories were much kind of less consequence based than mine was. Um, and, you know, plus I didn't have curfew. I could smoke cigarettes. All of a sudden my parents were on board with this. I was like, this is great. I'm totally in, you know? Um, so anyway, I stayed in that program and the, you know, the thing that I loved about, and I'm still grateful for the experience today about that program is it taught me service and it taught me, um, the importance of helping the newcomer, um, of reaching out your hand of, you know, I mean, and we would, you know, we would, we would, we would, we would, we would, we would, you know, drive around newcomers until, you know, 2 a.m. in the morning, sit in Waffle House talking, smoking, um, you know, whatever. Um, and how important that was. And, you know, those people did that for me when I came in. Um, and that's still, you know, to this day is very important to me and a very important part of, of this program in my opinion. Um, so I am very grateful for that. After I had about two years sober, a year and a half sober, I ended up going through their counselor training program. Um, which was in Arizona. So I moved out to Arizona. I went through their counselor training program and I became like a counselor for this drug abuse program. It's like a drug and alcohol abuse program for teenagers. Um, so I worked in Arizona for about three years and, you know, and it was, you know, we went to AA meetings. Like I went to maybe, I don't know, one AA meeting every two weeks. I mean, you know, we worked all the time. We worked with the, with the, you know, um, the kids that were in the treatment center. Um, we went to like our own meetings, like the, you know, the 12 step meetings there. Um, but you know, I didn't do my first inventory until I had about six years sober. Um, you know, I didn't do my like official amends. I mean, it was just a little different, but anyway, I stayed sober. Um, I worked in Arizona for three years. I moved to North Carolina and helped start a program there. Um, I lived there for two years and then I moved back to Atlanta. Um, and I ended up quitting that job. And after I quit that job, I had about eight years sober. And that was really the first time that I was dumped, not dumped, or, you know, I, I was involved in AA, you know, only, you know, and I remember I went to a big book study and, um, and it was, it was a great big book study and I loved it, but it was the first time that I had really like, um, you know, I always kind of questioned my first step. During that time, a lot of times I, you know, I would, I would hear in meetings, you know, the, you know, the inability to take, you know, one drink, the first drink. And I would always kind of be like, well, I don't know if that really, you know, I always struggled with the first step always. Um, and I would talk to my sponsor about it. And, um, anyway, long story short, I, um, you know, I ended up getting involved in AA for the first time only. I was working for this treatment program without being involved in, um, in any of, in, in, in any of that program. Um, and, you know, I went through this big book study and, and I really was like, you know what, I don't think I'm an alcoholic. And I was, uh, you know, and I, I struggled with that. I struggled with that legitimately in AA for about a year. Um, I talked to my sponsor about it and eventually, you know, and it wasn't this impulsive, like, okay, I'm leaving, I'm going, you know, I'm out of here. It was a legitimate, like, you know, internal issue that I just, you know, I always struggled with. Eventually, I left AA. Now, the plan, the plan when I left AA was, um, to get involved in a church group and to really, like, you know, establish some fellowship here and, um, and just kind of move on and not, you know, everything would be fine. That was the plan. Um, so, I left AA. I had 10 years sober. And, you know, the funny thing is, is the last year, I left when I had eight years sober and I found my old 10-year chip. And I was like, wow, I have 10 years sober. Anyway, um, so, I left AA and I stayed sober for maybe four months, about four months. And, um, and I was terrified to drink. I mean, I was terrified. I was scared. You know, I didn't know what was going to happen. I had, you know, I had a lot of time in, you know, I don't know if I would say in recovery, but I had a lot of time sober. I had a lot of time not drinking. Um, and, you know, I was terrified. But, you know, fear only will keep, well, in my experience, fear only kept me sober for so long. And I did end up having a drink. And I had a glass, you know, I had a, I remember I had a glass of wine at 10 a.m. at the airport. Because that makes sense, you know. But, you know, by golly, I was going to have one glass of wine. I'll show you, you know. Um, and I'm not showing anyone. I'm, like, proving to myself at that point. But, um, you know, from the beginning, from that first drink, I was like, I'm going to have a glass of wine. Um, you know, the, you know, the consequences kind of, you know, started very quickly. Um, you know, there was maybe, you know, the first year or two of me drinking and kind of experimenting, I guess, because I was, like, of age, you know, at that point. And before, when I got sober, I was under, you know, I was 16. So, you know, in my head, I'm like, you know, trying to, you know, I'm just trying to find my tolerance. I just haven't drank that much. You know, it's fine. I'm just, you know, I'm working it out. It's going to be fine. You know, I have all these excuses in my head. Um, but, you know, really from, you know, from the beginning, when, you know, when I went back out, it was, you know, it never really was, I'm just going to have a glass of wine with dinner. And that was my big thing. You know, when I went back out, it was like, well, I just want to be, you know, one of those normal people. Why do I have to go to these meetings all the time? And that was my mental kind of, you know, mentality when I left. It was, I just want to be normal. I want to have a glass of wine with dinner. Um, and it never was that it was never that it was always, um, I'm going to have one glass of wine. Well, I'm going to have another, you know, another one. People have two glasses of wine with dinner. What's the big deal? Yeah. And then, you know, two goes to three. Well, it's financially, you know, sound to just get a bottle at this point. Right. You know, and it just continued, continued, continued. Um, let me back up a little bit. Anyway, I, I, um, I ended up going back to nursing school. That happened in there when I started drinking or no, I decided to go back to nursing school when I was still sober. And then I started drinking while I was in nursing school. But anyway, so I was in nursing school. Um, and I ended up graduating nursing school. I passed the boards, became a nurse, started working at, um, the ER in DeKalb at DeKalb medical center. Um, and you know, at that point I moved into an apartment in the Highlands and in my head, I was like, well, you know, I'm drinking now. So, and I don't want to get, I don't want to get a DUI. So I'm going to move right, right behind the bar and not get a DUI. This is my whole plan. Right. And I was like, that's just, you know, that's just faith. I'm just looking out for me. Right. Um, so, but I guess that, I mean, that at that point in my life, I guess that's the biggest, you know, when Bill talks about in his story, I had arrived, you know, in his story, when he talks about that, that was the, you know, the closest that I felt, you know, was when I had finished school, became a nurse, you know, moved into an apartment behind the bar. I was like, yes, I'm on my own. I'm doing this. Awesome. Um, and I mean, how quickly it went downhill. I mean, it went downhill so quickly. Um, you know, I, I was working at DeKalb medical and, you know, nursing schedule, you're on three days and then you're off four, you know, and, um, you know, it was just, um, in the beginning, you know, I would go to the bars and, you know, go out and all of that kind of stuff the first couple of years. And I left after I left AA and it was still, you know, it was still fun. There was some moments that were fun and, you know, good times and all of that. But, you know, really towards the end, it was just, I mean, it was, you know, it got very hopeless, very fast. And, you know, a lot of times, you know, when I think about my bottom, when I think about what happened, what brought me back to my knees, what brought me back to AA, it's not about a lot of the consequences that happened for me. Um, it's not about, I, you know, I did not lose my license. Very grateful. Um, you know, I did not lose my apartment. I did not lose my car. None of that happens for me. You know, on the outside, if you looked at it, I was a nurse. I lived on my own, had this great career, you know, was a great picture. Um, but internally, um, I mean, I felt hopeless. I felt completely alone. Um, by the end I had no, you know, no will to live. I did not want to go out. I was drinking alone in my apartment. Um, you know, I blew off work all the time. We're calling sick. I mean, I had the, you know, so many sicknesses. I have the flu. I have, um, you know, I, I ate that sushi. I mean, over and over and over again to the point where my boss was like, what is going on with you? Like, what's wrong with you? Like, this is an issue. And I'm like, I know I'm just sickly. I don't know what to tell you. I just have a weak immune system, but I'm taking vitamins at school. I'm on it. Um, but I mean, so many times and so many, so many lie after lie after lie. Um, and you know, I would wake up hungover. I would wake up. Um, I would wake up and feel very sad that I woke up. You know, I just wanted it to be over. I was, you know, I just felt so empty inside nothing. And I would make these, you know, these plans, you know, how we are, how I am, you know, these plans of like, you know, I'm going to really turn it around this week. This is my week right here. This is, this is going to be it, you know? Um, and I would, you know, I'd make these plans where I'm going to wake up, I'm going to go work out. I'm going to like, you know, go to the grocery store and then I'm going to do some, you know, this, this, and this. And then I, you know, by noon I would be at the bar. I would be, I would be looking at the mini like, well, three glasses of wine is cheaper than one. So that's what we're going to do, you know? And it was just the, like, it just floored me how much I would plan. I would, I mean, with everything in my soul and my heart to stay sober, like today I'm going to stay sober. It's going to happen. And by noon I had, you know, but I wasn't powerless because I had changed my mind, right? Like I just, you know, it was a deal. It's a bargain. You know, I'll do this whole plan tomorrow, you know, but every single day, you know, towards the end, that's how it was for me. Um, I ended up taking a vacation. I went to Miami and, um, I ended up to see my sister who lived in Naples. Florida. Anyway, I wanted to go to Miami, drove to Miami, ended up, you know, blackout drunk, got a DUI, arrested, stayed in Dade County jail for 48 hours. I lost my phone, had a busted face. I mean, it was, it was terrible. It was like by far the worst experience, like very bottom for me. And that was in 2014. Anyway, my parents had to bail me out of jail. They found my mugshot online. That was solid. Um, anyway, so, but, but, you know, and even that, it was the plan. The plan was like, well, I've never been to South Beach and Miami. Let me just go and check it out and see what it's all about. You know, and then I will, you know, the plan was I was going to go down there early, get drunk, go to sleep on the beach, wake up and drive back. It's a great plan, right? What happened was I went there, got drunk, passed out on the beach. I was, you know, to a T, great, wonderful. But then I was walking back to my car. I was like, I'm going to go to my car. I'm going to go to my car. I'm going to go to my car. And then there was this like restaurant and all this action was happening. And I was like, well, I got to eat. You know, I got to eat before I go back. And then they had this like fishbowl drink on sale. Got it. Got to get it. You know, it's just, you know, it's just what you do. And then blackout later, I'm in jail. I'm busted up. Uh, my, the car's totaled. I've lost my phone. I don't know who to call. Um, my sister found my mugshot and called my very straight laced parents who flew me home. I was like, I'm going to go to my car. I'm going to go to my car. I'm going to go down and bailed me out of jail. Um, it was a terrible experience. I was, I mean, I think I cried for like 48 hours and I was in there. I remember being in jail. You know, I had never been in that kind of situation before. And I was, you know, and people were mean to me. I was like, I was like, I was like, can I get a blanket? And I mean, yeah, someone yelled at me like, man, blanket, what are you talking about? And I was like, she just yelled at me. You know, I felt so like, like, oh my God, they're treating me so like, you know, anyway, but, um, it was, um, it was definitely an experience. Um, so, you know, so they came and bailed me out of jail. And, um, you know, and I, I remember I came home, I still had a big book. I came home, I looked at my big book and I was like, I'm going to get to the bottom of this. I'm going to read the doctor's opinion and I'm going to figure this out. And I read the doctor's opinion and I was like, great, I'm not an alcoholic. Let me put that back on the shelf and move on. And I spent, I drank for another year after that. Um, I guess, you know, what, what really brought me to the rooms was I, you know, it hit, it hit a point where I couldn't get out of bed. Um, I would spend like weekends, like four days in a row in bed, drunk, smoking. Um, I had just, I had no, I had no will for life. You know, I didn't, I didn't want to do this anymore. I thought about suicide all the time. Um, I didn't have the guts to do it. Thankfully, I'm grateful for that. But, um, I wrote many different notes. Many different plans. Um, and I worked in the ER and, you know, they have some, some pretty good stuff. It's not, you know, um, and that, and that was all, you know, that was part of my plan. Um, and I'm very grateful that, you know, that didn't happen. Um, but I still had friends that were sober and in AA and I reached out to a couple of them a few different times. Um, you know, you call them and you're like, yeah, yeah, you know, my life is a nightmare. Let's, you know, why don't you come to a meeting? Okay. And then the next day would be like, well, I think I'm okay. You know, I'm just gonna, you know, I don't know, read a book or something, take a bath. I don't know. But, um, you know, eventually I ended up going to a meeting and, um, um, you know, I was not, you know, I was so, I guess ashamed. I felt so ashamed coming back in internally. You know, I, because in my head I was like, you know, I had figured this out and I had moved past this, you know, this is all in my head at the time coming back. And I was just kind of imploded, you know, I was just so ashamed and embarrassed, you know, and, and I'll never forget the first meeting that I came back to. And I had, you know, friends, people that had been sober for years and years that I grew up with and they did nothing but just hug me. And they came in and they said, I'm glad you're back. You know, and nobody said, well, do you want to stay sober? Me, me, me, me, you know, nobody did that. Thank God. You know, thank God. Um, everybody was super welcoming, you know, glad you're back, hugged me, gave me their phone numbers. Um, you know, and, and it was hard. Getting sober was, um, was not, I mean, it wasn't hard. That's, that's not what I mean. It was, um, I don't know. I guess I, you know, when I came back in, I thought about drinking all of the time, all the time from the beginning, probably for the rest of my life. I mean, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I wanted to drink, I wanted to drink. I did not, I saw no point in life. And I would think about that a lot. I would be like, what's the meaning of life? Like, what am I doing here? I don't want to live. I can't drink, but I want to drink. But I can't drink because, you know, it sucks. And I'm, you know, powerless and all this. Anyway, I struggled. I struggled a lot in the beginning. And I was not a real happy camper about being sober. I was not Miss, like, AA. Woo-hoo, you know. I was pissed. I was pissed that I couldn't drink anymore. I was pissed that I had to do this. And I was pissed that I had to come to these meetings. But I knew I had to. I mean, I knew it. You know, so I came in. I got a sponsor. I got a home group. You know, I kind of knew from before what I needed to do. And I did that. And I did that. And eventually the feelings caught up with me. And the obsession to drink was removed, thank God, you know. And I started praying. As soon as I came in, you know, my sponsor was like, you pray. You get on your knees and you pray. You ask God to help you stay sober in the morning. And then you thank him at night. And I was like, you know, that's just annoying. But, okay. You know, everything was like that in the beginning. But I did. You know, I did. Because I saw, not that I really thought it was going to work for me. Because I don't think I did. I think I was like, you know, I'll do this. But this is a bunch of BS. But I saw that other people were so happy. You know, and they had this purpose. And I don't even know what they were happy about. Because I was looking at them like, I don't know what you're all that happy about. But, you know, you are. So, okay. But they were. They had this genuine. And it wasn't about anything on the outside. It wasn't about any of that. It was like an internal calm peace. And I was like, what is that? You know, I definitely don't have it. So, I did what they did. You know, I went to meetings. I kept my mouth shut. I listened and I prayed. And I called my sponsor. I picked up a lot of white chips in the beginning. You know, and my sponsor was like, let's just stay on the first step. For the first year. And I was like, great. Because I don't plan on being here that long anyway. You know. And, but I did. And, you know, and it was good for me. That's what I needed. You know. You know, I went through the big book with my sponsor. I went through the 12 and 12 with my sponsor. And I was able to learn a lot about myself. You know, and I was able to kind of shut up and listen. And, you know, the first year for me was all about action. It was like, you know. This is not about how you feel or what you want to do, Maria. Because everything that I want to do usually got me into trouble. You know, I lived a life based on my feelings. Based on what I felt like doing or what I didn't feel like doing. I didn't feel like going to work. I didn't go. I didn't, you know, I felt like doing X, Y, and Z. Then that's what I did. And, you know, my sponsor drilled into me. And this is probably going to be a life lesson for me. That it's not about how I feel. It's about, you know, the actions that I take. And that ends up making up the person that I end up being. So, at about, I don't know, three months, the obsession to drink was removed. And I was like, oh my God, something worked, you know. And, I mean, it was flooring because I thought about it every day, all day. I was like, great. The rest of my life I'm just going to want to drink and I'm not going to. Awesome. Great life. Anyway, but at three months, you know, that obsession was removed. And I couldn't believe it. And I almost didn't want to do it. Like, I didn't want to move. I was like, if I move, it's going to come back or something. But, you know what I mean? Like, don't breathe too hard. But, it didn't, you know. And I'm still amazed. And I think that that was really the first time where I was like, I had an understanding that, like, God can and will do for me what I can't do for myself. And it blew my mind. You know, it blew my mind. Because I had never experienced that before in my sobriety. You know, and I was just floored. And, you know, I was thinking about, you know, things that have happened for me. Since I've gotten sober. I mean, so, I mean, the life that I have today is 100% because of God. You know, 100%. I went back to grad school. I finished grad school. And I have a new career now, which is awesome. I love it. You know, my relationships with my family are like, you know, I go on vacations with my parents. And I'm not like, oh, my God. You know, before it was like going on a vacation with my parents who don't drink. Yeah, that's real fun. You know. But now I do. And I enjoy their company. I've always wanted to travel. And I got on with a travel company. And I'm moving, you know, to the West Coast in like a couple weeks with a new job. And I'm super excited. But all of these things I wanted to do when I was drinking. But it was like, you know, sit on the couch and like drink. And like, yeah, I'm going to do that someday. Totally on that. On it. You know. But the life I have today is like 100% due to me showing up. And, you know, showing up, staying sober, working stuff. And trying to get out of the way, which is a lot harder some days than others. But, you know, I, you know, anyone that's in here that's new, that's struggling, that's, you know, anything like that, it's okay. You know, the first six, nine months, I was like, if I have to hear this one more time. You know, it's okay. Just come back. You know, just come back. And the biggest thing that people told me was you will not feel like this all the time. This too shall pass. You know. And. And that was key for me. So I'm going to end with one of my favorite readings here in the big book. It's on page 63. And it was one of the first things that I read after the obsession was removed for me. And I was like, wow. And then this really kind of sank in as well. We had a new employer. Being all powerful, he provided what we needed. If we kept close to him and performed his work well. Established on such a footnote. We became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs more and more. We became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life as we felt new power flow in. As we enjoy peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of his presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn. Thank you, guys. Thank you very much. I love her. I'm upset that you're going to be moving, but you know. Um, congratulations. I have not asked anybody, but Karen, will you give out the chips for us? Hi, my name's Karen. Gosh, it's really loud. I'm definitely an alcoholic. Um, yeah. Okay. So here. Here. We have a chip system to mark our time of sobriety. First chip we offer is the white chip. For anyone who would like to come in, try our life one day at a time. Or maybe you went out and yours got wet. You can get another one. Anybody? Okay. Next chip we have is for 30 days. That's silver. What the heck does that say? To thine own self be true. Anybody need 30 days here? Nope. 90. Red for 90. Right? Really? No, huh? Okay, fine. Yellow. Six months. Oh, you're going to leave me hanging. Okay. There it is all about me, right? Green? Nine months? Years? Multiples? Sorry, we just ran out. I'm Tom, I'm an Al- I'm a, I'm an Al-Anon. Okay. I raised him from a little acorn to a complete nut. I'm still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, but I love him anyway. 11 years. I knew that joke was coming. Um, my name is Chris Ward. I'm a grade four, covered alcoholic. 11 years. I told him my dad was coming with me. He's like, Oh no. I said, come on, just come. Then he got here. I said, you're giving me my chip. He was like, all right, what a, what a blessing it is. Um, it was kind of neat. I was 11 the first time I took my first drink and then I was 35 when I got sober and now I've been sober 11 years. So there's some symmetry going there, you know, uh, and one of the great things about being experienced in sobriety, having 11 years of experience being sober is that I'm convinced now that if I just do this thing one day at a time. One day I'm going to have equal 35 as long as I keep doing this thing one day at a time. You know, how, how do we, I remember my first sponsor said, do you need to stay sober forever? And I become convinced that I must be sober forever or else. And he said, do you have any idea how to go about doing that? I said, Jesus, I don't. And he said, it's in the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous. We'll do this one day at a time, the rest of your life. He said, forever is always today. I said, shit, you gotta be kidding me. What a miracle that was. And so if you don't have a sponsor, get a sponsor. You know, I don't know that I've ever seen a real alcoholic get sober who didn't have a sponsor. I'm not saying it can't be done. I'm just saying I've never seen it. So what a wonderful thing it is to be sober. I'm so glad my dad could give me my chip and, and there's hope. If I can get sober, anybody can get sober. Ain't that right, Kat? Absolutely. Thank you so much. Any other years of multiple? Okay. We'll offer the white chip one more time. Yes, everybody deserves a second chance. And if you're too high or too shy, I'll leave it here. It could be the last thing you steal. Thank God for the chip. Thank you one and all for joining the Blue Chip Speakers meeting tonight. First I slip, and then I crash. You rescued me.