Meditating With Skinheads at a New York Buddhist Temple for Step Eleven — ChaZ H.

Hey everybody, let's have an AA meeting. My name is Julie and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NAVA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual and our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabluechipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker. And we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, Yes, I am one of them too. I must have this thing. All right, I am excited to hear Chaz's story. I don't know Chaz, but his face is kind of familiar to me, so maybe we've been in meetings in the past. So with that, I give you to Chaz. Thank you so much. My name is Chaz. I'm an alcoholic. Tim, and I'd like to thank you for inviting me, and I'd like to thank the entire Blue Chip Speakers group for the opportunity and the privilege to be able to share my story, be able to share what happened, and what AA, did for me. Because that has been the biggest transformation in my life. I actually got sober in New York. So, by way of introduction, this past February, I celebrated my ninth anniversary. My sober date is February 9th, 2009. I have a sponsor here in Atlanta. His name is Lem W. I try to, keep an eye on him. I had a sponsor in New York, who took me through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, exactly as they are laid out in this book. And I changed. And then I took other men, through the 12 steps, exactly the way that I had been taken through them, and the ones that stuck with it, had spiritual awakenings. And I watched. I watched them have spiritual awakenings. And that was amazing. It was a miracle. I do service, always. It's been part of my, my sobriety ever since I came in. And I do service at my home groups. I have two home groups. One of them is the Living in Solution meeting, Saturday, 9 a.m. at St. Luke's. It's a men's meeting. And the other is out in Smyrna, a group called TUMS, Tillman United Men of Serenity. And I call them home groups, because I am at their meetings every single week. I do service at those meetings, and I go to their group conscience meetings, and I practice tolerance. So that is that. But that is not where I was, nine and a half years ago. About that time, I was taken to a hospital in New York City, and that is because I was drinking myself to death. I was later configured out that I was drinking about 25 drinks a day. And I was drinking from oblivion to oblivion to oblivion. I had no job. I really couldn't leave my apartment without drinking. I started having an anxiety attack unless I was going to the liquor store. Then I had no problem. And maybe that should have been a sign of something, but whatever. So they got me in there, and the doctors gave me an equivalent of about 15 Valium. And they said, they flipped a coin. They said, heads he lives, tails he dies. Because that's, that's where I was. And I hallucinated for 72 hours, and somehow I lived. So, I came to, three days later, and, um, doctor came in, and he said the darndest thing. He said, I want to talk to you about your drinking. And I said, there is some kind of misunderstanding. Because I didn't want to talk about my drinking. I wanted to talk about the fact that I was hallucinating. I lived in an apartment by myself, and every now and then, like, like on the bedroom door, I would hear somebody knocking. Clear as day. I would hear voices coming out of the ceiling. They were really static-y. Um, and that, that wasn't a lot of fun. I, um, I never threw up anymore when I drank. I would throw up when I wasn't drinking. If I, if I decided to stop drinking for six hours, I started, uh, throwing up uncontrollably. But, the, this guy didn't want to talk about any of that. He wanted to talk about my drinking. And I'm like, that's not the problem. And that's really what I thought. I thought that alcohol was the only thing that made my life bearable. And, I was stuck. On that idea. So, it took the hospital about nine days to detox me. I tried to check myself out, because I'm an adult. And, uh, they said, you can check yourself out if you want to, and we'll call the police on you. Because we don't think it's safe for you to be outside of a medical facility. And so I said, okay, well, I'll give you this one. And, uh, then, then, they sent me to another hospital. Um, they sent me to a more serious hospital where they do a longer detox and then decide if they're going to let you go. And, uh, that's entirely up to them. So, I went to this other hospital. I'm locked up. And, people are telling me that I got problems. I mean, they're, they're saying, they're looking at me and they're saying, I have a lot of problems. And the problem with that was that it wasn't doctors who were telling me this. It was the other patients. Um, they were looking at me and they were like, no. And that's a bad sign. That's just, just a bad sign when you're hearing that. But there were other people coming in there while I was there. And that was the people from AA. The people on hospital and institution service commitments were bringing meetings in there and that was my first introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous. I did not know what anything was. I did not know what meetings were. I did not know what steps was. Somebody said, do you have a big book? And I'm like, what's that? And they're like, this thing? And I'm like, no. So they gave me one. And that, that really started, started my sobriety. Um, while I was lying in that hospital, I would just stare at the ceiling and I was saying, this is not working. My whole life is not working. And I didn't know it at the time, but what I was doing was hitting bottom. I was hitting a point where it was like, okay, either do something or this is gonna keep going and I'm probably not gonna be able to survive it. And the AA guys said, hey, we've got something and we know it works because we've been in your position. And I said, well, okay, tell me more. And they told me about the program and what was going on with it and I didn't understand it. I couldn't understand anything. Um, I said, I complained to them. I said, you know, why can't I just get out of this place and not drink? That was my real question. You know, why did people need AA? Why couldn't they just do it themselves? And they said, well, that is because you are crazy. And what is going to happen is you are gonna get out of here and half of your mind is gonna be talking you into a drink and the other half ain't gonna be able to talk you out of it. And I thought about that and I said, you know, you're probably right about that. That sounded familiar. That sounded like something that I could identify with. And they said, and then they said, you know, they asked me, they said, listen, when you drink, if you drink socially, and I hadn't drunk socially in two years because people didn't like me being around when I was drinking. They said, did you like, as you drank through the night, did you drink slower? You know, each drink slower? And I said, no, other people did that and I hated it. Because I drank every drink faster. Like the first drink, I could kind of stay on the brakes and take about an hour to finish the first drink. But the second one would be half an hour. And the third one would be 15 minutes. And then I was pounding them. And they said, that's the allergy. The allergy wants more. And so, because of that, if you pick up the first drink, you are going to start drinking like that. And this blew my mind. I did not know that. I couldn't I did not have any kind of capability to look at my own actions and see what I was doing. And they said, well listen, what this basically comes down to is, if you take the first drink, it's going to be like getting hit by a runaway train. And it's not going to be the caboose that kills you. It's going to be the first drink. And that got through to me. So, with some trepidation, that hospital let me go. And I moved back to the city. And I started going to AA meetings because that's what they told me to do. And it seemed better than anything that I had. So, the one biggest thing that they left me with, the people on the HNI commitment, they said, when you get out of here, just remember, relapse is optional. And I said, okay. And they said, but if you don't want to relapse, if you don't want to take that first drink and find out how many drinks are behind it, you have to do exactly what we did. And exactly what we do. And I said, okay. Because I was out of ideas. I had no concept of anything else that I could do. So I said, let's try it. So I got a home group. They told me to do that. They said, find a group and just keep going to the meetings there. And I started going to a place called the 12th Street Workshop in Manhattan. And that is kind of on the front lines of sobriety in New York. And I fit right in. Because it was a nut house. It was kind of like the bar scene in Star Wars. There were people there in suits going to work. And there were people there rolling out of detoxes. And there were people there rolling out of cardboard boxes. And there were people there rolling out of everything in between. And I could sit there and I was screaming. And if you asked me to read something, I read it at the top of my lungs. Because the noise in my head was so loud. They had the slogans all around on the wall. And I thought that they had put them there to mock me. I'm like, easy does it. What does that even mean? And one of the guys turned around and he said, it means shut the F up and be grateful you're alive. And I said, oh. And I started learning about sobriety. So, you know, if you've worked with somebody, if you started working with a sponsor and the sponsor says, listen, you know, you're going to help me a lot more than I'm going to help you. I was, that was that guy. I was helping a lot of people. I mean, really. Because if you dealt with me in that place, you would not want to drink for a week. Like, no. But they also taught me stuff. I think that home groups are so important. Especially early in sobriety. They taught me the stuff that I needed to know. And one of them was that there was nothing special about my alcoholism. They were like, you are a garden variety drunk. You are just like the next one. And because of that, the program that we have will work. Because this works on drunks. And that's what you are. And that was reassuring. I needed to hear that. But they also gave me another piece of information that I carry with me to this day. They told me that alcoholism is a disease of isolation. And they said, you are going to want to get by yourself in your apartment with the shades drawn and you are going to start talking to the thing that tried to drink you to death. And it's the meetings that break it. The meetings break isolation. Like nothing. And I carry that with me to this day because I still like isolation. Isolation feels good to me. And then what I try and do is I try and treat my isolation with more isolation. Just the way I drank. Because by the end my drinking was to handle the symptoms of drinking. And I do the same thing with isolation. And so that piece of information probably saved my life. And probably continues to save my life today. I got a sponsor. I was afraid of him. There was no reason for that, but I was. And that's just the position I was in. And he started taking me through the steps. He started taking me through the steps just by reading through the big book. That was hard for me because I would try to read and the words would change colors and they would move around on the page a little bit. And that's alcohol psychosis. It was just the hangover of years of drinking non-stop. And the guys at my home group they said, listen, that usually goes away by itself. But if it doesn't go away in 90 days come to us and we will find you a doctor. Okay? Great home group. And fortunately it did. But my sponsor was taking me through the first step and he started bringing it right you know breaking it down right where I could understand it. He gave me an exercise. He said, I want you to go home and I want you to get an index card. And on it in big letters I want you to write you're looking at the problem. And I want you to put it right at the top of your bathroom mirror. I did this. And then every morning when I was brushing my teeth and brushing my hair and doing whatever I was looking at the problem. And that right there was my first step because the alcohol was not the problem. And nothing that as a result of the alcohol was my problem. I was the problem. That hurt my feelings. So I put him on my fourth step. Just so everybody knows. And then we got to the second step. And really I did the second step with my home group. Because I was going there five days a week. 7.30 am every single day. And I came to believe that these people believed. They believed that they had been saved if you will by something. They believed in something. And I was like if these people believe that then it's good enough for me. Because by that point I had gotten through all the thinking that they were secret drinkers or secret drug users or whatever. It was quite clear that they were sober and they were sane. And I was not. Because I could hear it. I could hear it in their shares and then I could hear it in my own shares. One of us was crazy and it wasn't them. So then I got to the third step. And then it got interesting. Because I started to recover a little bit. You know, at least physically. And so a little bit of the ego comes back and here comes a step that says made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him. And my sponsor got me over the decision bit with that stupid story about the frogs. I hate that. I put that on my fourth step. But I thought that that step meant that I needed to have an understanding of God. And I said alright. I'm going to use my gigantic galaxy brain and I am going to understand God. And my home group said no. No you're not. They said we don't care what your understanding of God is. We don't have one to sell you and we don't care what yours is because you're crazy. And you know, that's something we learn in life. Like, not in AA, but out in the real world, you don't talk about God with crazy people. Because they're going to put you on blast. They're going to dump it all out in front of you. And so they just did not want to hear anything that I thought about God. And they also said we know what God's will for you is. And I said okay, what's that? And they said God's will for you is to do step four. And that's it. And I said okay. And that got me through and into the recovery process for real. Um Getting to where I am now the the easiest way for me to talk about this I think is to talk about step 11. Because that has been a very, very important part of my sobriety. Um, my sponsor had me start meditating on step 2. Um, he's like we can't wait until step 11. You gotta calm down. So, we would go out in the park with a couple of guys on 2nd Avenue and we would just sit there quietly with our eyes closed. And I couldn't do it. I could not do it. I had to put on sunglasses so that I could peek. Make sure nobody was looking at me. And I had to stick headphones in my ears and crank music up because like I tried to pick hypnotic music but other than that that's what I had to do and that's really where I was. And my sponsor said just keep doing it. Just keep doing it. And I started going to meditation meetings in AA. Our 11 step meetings. And I had an idea when I was in one of those meetings. They um before the meditation they read out some very simple directions. And I had an idea and I said I think I'll follow them. And so I followed the AA meditation directions. And that's all I had and at that time it was all I needed. And what they said was you know, get relaxed, close your eyes da da da and then just breathe slowly and quietly and deeply and count your breaths from 1 to 10 and then back down. And I couldn't do it. I could not do it. I would get up to 5 or 6 and all the sudden I was in space. I was flying through whatever and and then pretty soon I realized that I had just been you know, thinking. And my sponsor said just smile at yourself and start over. And I kept doing it. I kept going out to the park and I kept going to these meetings and one day it started working. And I was able to actually get present. And I was actually able to stay in the moment with my breath. Um and that that did a lot. That does a lot I think for our concentration. Um it's got extra values outside of the AA program. It really gets the brain working in a very predictable and sober way. Um so when we got to the fifth step and you know there's a meditation with the fifth step. I was able to do it. Um Page 75. This is after you know telling our life story to our sponsor. And what was my life story? It was selfish, self centered, deceitful, intolerant over and over again. That was my life story. Um and I told it all to him. And then he sent me home to do the meditation. Returning home we find a place where we can be quiet carefully reviewing what we have done. We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better. Taking this book down from our shelf we turn to the page which contains the 12 steps. Carefully reading the first five proposals we ask if we have omitted anything. For we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last. And I sat there very quietly with my four steps and realized that I had left stuff off of it. And it was wild. It was wild because it was stuff that I had talked to my sponsor about because they were very deep resentments that were as we say they were justified resentments. And those are the most dangerous ones. And yet I had talked to him about it I had talked to other people about it but I didn't put them on the list. And it was because I was avoiding them or something. But I found them in the meditation. So I called my sponsor and said I got more you know, more resentments to put on there and I put him on there again because this was somehow his fault. And he was fine with that. He was fine with that. He told me that one of his metrics for a successful fourth step is if he's on it. He said if I'm not on your fourth step then I'm not driving you hard enough. And I said okay. So that got me up to step 11. And when I actually did step 11 my sponsor said okay it's time for you to go outside of AA. Because it says in the introduction to step 11 in the 12 and 12 meditation is an individual adventure. And we should find resources for it wherever we possibly can. So he said I'm going to have you go meditate with the Buddhists. And I said okay. And he said good news, they're free. Um and that was of course very attractive. So I went to a temple I guess. And it was really strange because it was filled with skinheads. Like big scary skinheads with neck tattoos. And they were all Buddhists. So that's something that happened in New York. And he said you'll fit right in here. And it was a big room. It was about this size. Like everybody sitting on the floor. And it was skinheads and drunks. And that was an amazing experience. Those were 30 and 45 minute meditations. And then they would do a lecture afterwards. And the lecture was cool. You know it's like there was stuff in there that you could take and then there was stuff in there that I could leave alone. And that really broadened my experience of this step. Um And I recommend that. I don't think that those people are down here in Atlanta. But there are other meditation resources in Atlanta that are free. And stepping outside of the program to expand some horizons on that is a really really powerful thing to do. And it can really like reinvigorate our sobriety I think. So what I get out of that is I get the 11 step promises. And I was thinking about this. You know that the whole idea of talking is to say you know what it was like what happened and what it's like now. What do I have now? I think the most important thing that I have in my life are the promises. Because the promises I take to every situation. I can get a job. I can lose a job. I can get family back. I can lose family. I can get my health back. I can lose my health. I can get my family back and wish that I hadn't gotten my family back. But in every one of those situations by working this program I've gotten the promises. And the 11 step promises on page 88 say we are in much less danger of excitement fear, anger worry, self pity and foolish decisions. What an amazing place to be. What an amazing place no matter what situation I'm in. There's people who push my buttons. There's people who push my buttons because they installed my buttons. You know who I'm talking about. Mom and Dad. You know there are victories and defeats. There are setbacks and breakthroughs. And yet I have a pause. I have an air space between what people say and what happens and how I react to them. Because at the end of the day that was really the whole problem from beginning to end. It was not my life. My life was not bad. My childhood was not bad. There was nothing in there that was you know like a real horror show. But my reaction to them was so destructive that I had to treat it with alcohol and eventually the alcohol was not enough. And with that pause that air gap between what happens and how I react to it today is the most valuable and most powerful thing in my life. And it is entirely due to AA. So thank you for letting me share. That was really fantastic. I like that you stayed in the 11th step. I hardly ever heard that. It really is very very important. It made me realize I need to do it a lot more. Okay I was told not to mention that it was his birthday. So I won't mention that it's his birthday. I'm going to ask Tinsley to give out the chip. Hey y'all my name is Tinsley. I'm an alcoholic. Here at this meeting we have a chip system to mark our time away from our last drink. If you'd like to try this way of life one day at a time we offer a white chip. Anybody like to pick up a white chip? Right after 30 days we have a silver chip. A chip for 90 days. A yellow chip for 6 months. A chip for 9 months. Multiples. And anybody want to reconsider on a white chip? They came for a chip. Thank you. Thank you one and all for joining the blue chip speakers meeting tonight. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...