Ma’am I Came Here to Get Sober Not Celibate 🤣 – Liz M.

My name is Alex, and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday 8 p.m. Blue Chip Speakers meeting at the NAVA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org will hear our speaker, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I am one of them too. I must have this thing. Our speaker said I didn't have to say anything special, which I appreciate on a Monday morning and a Monday night. I consider it service work from her. Liz Ann is coming to us from the East Marietta Group. Hi, everybody. My name is Liz Maddern. I'm an alcoholic and a member of the East Marietta Group. Good to let you know who I am, what I am, and where I belong. I guess we'll just get on with the show. So my sobriety date is July 31st. It's 1981, and it is by the grace of God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that I have been able to stay sober, and I'm very grateful for that. I guess I'll start early. I'm going to try to not get down a rabbit hole because obviously I've been sober a lot longer than I've drank, but sometimes time gets away from me. But I will say, just to kind of give you a little bit of background about me, I was born, reared, and got sober in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. My mother was an alcoholic, and she found Alcoholics Anonymous. She passed away about five years ago just shy of her 50th AA birthday, so I did have an example in my life. I have three other siblings, one older, two younger. All four of us are alcoholics. 18 months older than me, has like 51 years in Alcoholics Anonymous. My brother that's two years younger than me is still actively drinking, and my sister who's four years younger than me doesn't drink but doesn't do AA. So we've got a mix of the recovery slash not recovery in my family. I would say as a child growing up, so my mom, as I said, was an alcoholic, but she was a very functioning alcoholic. I would think of an alcoholic, as many of us do, in the trench coat, brown bag, under the bridge. My mom had a full-time job raising four kids, and so her alcoholism was nothing that I understood as a kid. I would have to say her alcoholism was keep it all looking really good on the outside, and if you all think I'm doing good, I think I'll think I'm doing good too. And the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but more on that later. So I didn't know that my mom was an alcoholic. I knew there was erratic behavior occasionally, but I mean nothing that I thought was not normal, but being that it's the only house I grew up in, that was my normal. And probably when I was about, okay, so I viewed alcohol as something that was, Okay, so I viewed alcohol as something that was, Okay, so I viewed alcohol as something that was, Okay, so I viewed alcohol as something that was, looked like fun because, I mean, she would come home from work and, you know, be drinking beer while she's getting four kids homework and bedtime and all that stuff, you know, so that was not weird, but she would have parties, and they always looked fun, and the kids got kicked out when the parties were happening. So, I mean, I associated alcohol with a good time because she seemed a lot happier when she was drinking. So I kind of associated alcohol with happiness or making you happy or feel good, and because it was, like, the elusive, you can't have it, I wanted it. And that's my alcoholism. That's my alcoholism. Like, you can't have it, of course I want it. And so that's kind of how I viewed it. And then when I had my first, probably there were sips here and there, it was a little bit, when I had my first really feeling of what alcohol could do for me, I would say I was about 12 years old. Um, I stole a bottle of my mom's beer, I went down to the trolley tracks, I drank it, and then I was walking home, and, I mean, everything was beautiful. It was like the street I grew up on my whole life, but today, it was Oz. I mean, the grass was greener, the houses were prettier, everything was great, everything looked good, the sky was blue, and I felt good, and I wanted that. I wanted that feeling, and I was going to chase, that's the feeling I chased for the next 12 or 13 years. That feeling, that day, and I never, ever got it again, because I have a disease of more. And so, my first thing was, if one beer can make everything this wonderful, imagine what two could do. And that was, that's alcohol, that's my alcoholism. You know, more, more. Feeling better, you know, just out of, not comfortable in my own skin, and that elusive feeling of, I just want to be happy, and I want to be okay, and I want everything to look pretty, and I never really got that again. But, um, so suffice it to say, I'm about 12-ish when that happens, I'm 13, my mother gets sober. So, now there's no alcohol in my house. So, I had a couple dry years. Um, and then, um, you know, how I was feeling on the inside was, so I'm like maybe about in eighth grade. And, I mean, all I wanted was for people to like me. I just wanted friends, I wanted to belong, but I never felt like, I never felt that anybody really liked me for who I was. I felt like I wasn't as good as all my peers in sports. You know, I did okay in school. But I wasn't that smart. And I didn't feel like I was all that pretty. And so, um, my, my way of dealing with that was to kind of become what we would know today as the mean girls. You know, like, I'm just not going to like all of you first, because I'm not going to give you a chance to not like me, because I don't like any of you first. And, um, kind of behaved in that manner. I grew up, I went to school in parochial schools. And then when it was time to go to high school, I went to an all girls Catholic high school, very small. There was only like 36 girls in my class. So there was no like skipping school or anything like that. I mean, you were seen. So, um, when I, when I went to this school, um, a couple of my friends from grade school went, but the way this school was set up, it's like I grew up where I grew up was in the suburbs. But the school was kind of on the border of city girls and suburb girls. So when I got to high school, um, I kind of gravitated towards the city girls because I thought they were, well, they were the mean girls, essentially. So it's like they were a lot more streetwise and they just looked like they were having a lot more fun. And so I thought I've got to get in with this group. And, um, and I did. And, and. You know, they were all the ones that had older brothers, sisters that were, you know, into the drugs and alcohol. And I thought this, this is what I want. This looked much more exciting to me. And so I kind of got in with this group of girls and, um, was able to pick up the drinking because they had brothers and sisters that could get it. You know, not that stealing was anything that I wouldn't do to get that. But, um, Pennsylvania had pretty strict alcohol. So it was like, uh, everything was run by the liquor liquor control board. So they had state stores essentially had to go in and there was a guy, you know, the booze was behind the magic curtain. So you had to, you know, you couldn't, I mean, that's how you had to get hard liquor. And then there were separate stores for beer and wine. So, um, you know, it was, it was very hard to get. So, um, we had to depend on the kindness of older siblings, which I didn't have. Well, except my brother, but he wasn't. He wasn't getting it either. And so I started down that path, um, in high school and, you know, I didn't have a lot of consequences. I was drinking and, and we would sometimes meet before school and get high on the weekends. I mean, it was like the terrible stuff too. It was like, you know, boons for an apple wine, strawberry hill, you know, it's like, I mean, you're like 14. It's like, I wanted it to taste like Kool-Aid for God's sake. You know, it's like, I can't say that I love the taste of alcohol, but I did love the effect of it. So, um, we would get, you know, and, and, and drunk and sick and couldn't wait to do it again. You know, that's my alcoholism. Um, I just, I love the sense of ease and comfort that alcohol gave me. And, um, I just, I felt like I, I fit in with these people. And, um, I would have to say that, you know, it was, I didn't get in a lot of outward trouble, but I would say, and of course this is in hindsight too, but inside it was, it was hard. It was, I was isolating now. It's like, I started to feel the separation from, like, I did not want to be around my family. Um, I didn't want to, um, and of course now I've got this mom in AA. So, like, I definitely don't want to be on, you know, around her because I didn't want her to, you know, just be too close. Smelling my breath, looking him up. You know, because I had stuff going on. So, I, you know, really kind of detached from my family. And, um, all I wanted to do was be with my friends. And I became very nasty and just kind of ugly. And I didn't know that at the time. I mean, of course, looking back as we do in this program and recovery, it was like, you know, I have a lot of remorse. A real sadness about that because it didn't have to be that way. But, um, anyways. I went on to, I'm trying to think. Also, right around this time, my parents ended up getting divorced. Um, my brother, the older one, ends up, he comes into AA in, like, his senior year in high school. So, now he's on the Alps, too. Because I'm like, no, I can't be near him either. And so, um, I decided, you know, I didn't know that I had a choice about going to college. Because I just thought, that's what. I thought that was, I thought that was the growing up rules. Like, you go here, you go here, and you go here, and then you're on your own. So, I thought everybody did that. And so, I didn't know that I had a choice to not go to college. So, I went to college. And, um, I decided that I, I was, I was afraid that if I went. I didn't want to go too far away because I, I wanted to be hanging out with my friends that I like to drink with. But then I wanted to be far enough away that I didn't have to live at home because I wanted to get out of there. Because of the lifestyle I was leading. And, um, I would, I would also mention at this time, even though I was in these Catholic schools. There was no, I wouldn't say I had any kind of relationship with God. Spirituality, religion, any of it. I mean, I did what I had to do because I went there. But, after that, it was like, I didn't, I didn't have any concept or relationship with God. So, um, you know, there was. You know, I was emotionally, spiritually, and becoming physically bankrupt in all areas. So, I go off to college and, um, it just becomes like a, a daily party. I become a daily drinker. Like friends after school. I decide my school is based on, like, things I, classes I pick are based on my drinking habits. Like, I can't get up too early because I know that if I hang over, I'm not going to make it anyways, you know. And so, my life decisions now are totally based on, on my drinking. And, um, all through college, it was kind of the same thing. I mean, I, I was the person who, I don't know, grace of God. But, I mean, I could push the envelope right to the end without it falling. So, again, I didn't really have. I, I, I had, I've totaled cars. I've been in the back of police cars. I have been so close all the time. But, somehow. Somehow got off, got away with it, had an excuse, and so affected anything. But, in my head, it was like I never had a consequence. So, I never really had to look at how bad my drinking was and how bad it was affecting my life and my decisions. And, um, so I make it through college. And then I, um, I go home. And then, when I went home from college, I, I, I went back to college. I went back to the house that I grew up in. That was a whole other nightmare. My mom and dad were like, you know, you know. So, my mom ends up meeting some guy in AA and she's somewhere else. So, I move in with my dad. He's in our house. And, and I don't have a car. I don't have a job. But, I just want to go drink every night. And so, I just wait for him to get home from work and we have dinner. And then I just say, can I have your car? And he doesn't do anything. So, he would always let me have it. And then I would just go out to the bar. And I just always made sure I was home by the time. And you had to go to work in the morning. And, you know, after a couple weeks, he's like, you know, we just put you through school. Do you think maybe you could look for a job? And I was like, yeah. So, I think, because I was very delusional. I'm really delusional. So, I'm thinking, because I have this college degree, which, let me just say, I skated by. And it's like nothing. It's like liberal arts, you know. It's like no big, no big career path here. And so, I. Back in the day, this is how old I am. So, we stood for jobs and won ads in the newspaper. So, I opened up the newspaper and I would just look for the biggest ad, which was usually like Pittsburgh Plate Glass or, you know, just, you know, something, you know, I'd be looking at IBM or U.S. Steel, you know. And I'm like, I'm going to apply to be their director of human resources. Like, these are the jobs I'm applying for because I think I have a college degree. And I'm thinking I'm really special. And I. Of course, I'm not hearing anything. And I'm just saying to my dad, I'm like, I don't know. I'm sending these resumes out. Nobody's calling me. I don't know what it is. So, I end up getting a job at a Sheraton hotel. And I'm like a front desk clerk. And it was a great little job for me as an alcoholic because I would take the 3 to 11 shift. I made friends with the bartender. And so, he would just feed me drinks while I'm doing my job from 3 to 11. So, then by the time I would get off work at 11, I'd be drunk, which was perfect for going to the bar because, like, I'm all caught up already, you know. And then I would just, like, stay there all night and, you know, come home in the morning. And then, you know, this guy kind of took a liking to me at the hotel. And he's like, you know, we want to give you a promotion, you know, to this reservations manager job, you know. And I'm like, what are you doing? And he said, 9 to 5. I said, yeah, I can't do that. Yeah, that's not going to work for me. So, I mean, again, I am, you know, I'm thinking I'm all good, you know. I've got the job and, you know, whatever. But it's, I'm making decisions all based on my drinking. So, you know, the thing that kind of brought me into this room, like, I was still at this job at the hotel. And some guy that worked there, too, was like, hey, want to go on a motorcycle ride? And I'm like, oh, yeah. That's what I want to do. And I've never been on a motorcycle before. And so, I've got my little skirt. And I just jump on the back of that motorcycle at 11 o'clock at night. And he's riding. And I don't know. I'm sure everybody here probably knows about my, I did, you know. So, like, he's, like, turning. He's turning into it. I'm like, oh, my God. He's going to fall over. I should just lean the other way. So, we can balance. And it sets us out. And it was like a nightmare. And he's like, don't do that, you know. And he's like, you've got to lean into the turn. I'm like, oh, yeah. And I lean in. I lean so far in that we wiped out bad. And so, I just was like, I was like road rash from, like, here to my feet, like, the whole thing. And I was like, oh, man, this is a mess. Thankfully, I was drunk. So, it didn't really hurt that bad. And then, I'm like, oh, what are we going to do with this mess? And so, we're like, I don't know. So, we went somewhere. I don't even know where. I don't know if we went to his house to a bathroom or my house. I don't remember. But we're trying to, like, clean me up. And it was, like, kind of getting sore. And I'm like, yeah, I don't think this is going to work. I'm just going to go home and go to bed. I'll deal with this tomorrow, you know. And I went home. And I get in bed. And, oh, by this time, I'm living with my grandmother. That's a whole other story. It's not that important. It's not that important. But she was, like, easy to get away with because I could steal money from her and take her car. And she was just easy. So, I lived with her. And I get in bed. And I wake up the next morning, like, the whole sheet is just, like, stuck to me. And I'm like, oh, my God. So, I'm, like, peeling this thing off. And I have this great idea that if I get in the bathtub, I'll just soak the cinders out of me. So, I get in the bathtub. I'm all hungover. And I'm just laying there and soaking, hoping there's all these black cinders. And they didn't. So, I finally, I'm like, and by this time, I'm like, I'm kind of new. I'm like, all I have is, like, a pediatrician. And I'm like, well, now I'm, like, 22. And I'm drunk. And I've got cinders in me. Like, do you call the pediatrician for this? I don't know. So, I just said to my grandma, like, what should I, look at what happened. I had this, like, accident. So, she takes me to the ER. And it was just awful. They had to take, like, a wire brush and, like, brush all these cinders out of me. And then, I mean, I know I reeked. And the doctor in the ER is just like, were you drinking? I'm like, no. I had one beer before we got on that motorcycle. You know how we do. So, that was kind of the beginning of the end. I'm like, oh, this was so bad. And it kind of made me think, like, how can I do things differently, you know? And so, I tried a little bit of that controlled stuff, you know? I'm like, okay, I'm going to stop drinking that much, you know? Like, whatever, you know, we do play the games. I'm just wine or three drinks. And none of that really worked. And then. I don't know. One day, I was at Granny's. And she had this. I always joke about this. But this is really what happened. And so, I had my little bedroom. And there was this, like, little nice little walk-in closet with a window. And I loved going in there. Because, like, my whole happiness was right in there. Because I had my bottle of vodka down in my cowboy boot. I had my weed up in my Frisbee. And I had my Coke over here. And the mirror, you know? And I would go in that closet, you know? It was like. You come in. It's like. You go in, like, all bummed out. And then you take care of business. And then you come out. Blah, blah. You know? It's like. That was great, you know? Coming out of the closet. Woo! And so. I don't know. One day, I was doing that. And I just was sitting there going. Oh, my God. This is my world. This is my happiness. In a closet. There's something wrong. So, I called my brother. He was up at Penn State. And I called him. And I said. Oh, I know what I did. I called my mom. And I said. Mom. I think I have a problem with alcohol. And I probably need to go to AA. And she goes. Yeah, I've been waiting for you. And she goes. Here's where the meetings are. And I was like. God. Like, I just expected her to come over. The theme from Rocky to break out. And we were going to haul off to an AA meeting. You know? And she's like. Yeah. Here's where they are. And I'm like. Oh. Oh, shit. Now. Sorry. I thought. Now. Now it's out there. I can't take those words back in. And now I'm going to have to do something about this. So, I called my brother. He was still at the college. And I'm like. You know. I'm going to go to AA. And mom won't take me. And he's like. I'll give you a number. My friend. He'll take you. So, I called this guy. And he came over and picked me up. And took me to my first AA meeting. And. I can't. You know. I mean. It was back in the day. So. Of course. I walk in. And the ceilings were probably like two feet lower than this one. And everybody smokes. There's like a. I can't even see anybody's face. Really. Because there's just like this big cloud of smoke. And. You know. It's just. Room. There's. It had to have been like. A room this size. But it had tables. And it was. I think it had been like 80 people in there. And I'm like. Oh, my God. But. The thing about it was. Is that. A lot. Because my mom had been in the program. My brother had been in the program. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was scary. But not scary. Because a lot of people knew me. You know. So then they're like. Oh, look. Another one of Joe's kids. You know. And. Yeah. Here I am. You know. So. I thought. I thought I was special. Like. I didn't come in. Like. Head down. Like so many people did. I'm like. I'm here. You know. And. There was zero humility. And. You know. Like. I didn't know. I just thought. Oh, my God. These people are so happy I'm here. I'm glad I could. And then. I mean. It wasn't. You know. Probably two days. And like. Those women were like. You know. Who's your sponsor? Who's your home group? And I'm like. Oh. Whatever. And. Somebody grabbed me right away. And set me at the front door. And said. You're the greeter. You shake everybody's hands. That walks in here. And I'm like. Oh. I do that. You know. But. I did it. By the time I got here. It was. Like I said. It was like. It was inside. Because my outside stuff. Still. I still felt pretty good about that. You know. I still felt like I was looking pretty good. Had the job. Didn't have a house. Didn't have a car. Didn't have a boyfriend. But I was sure that those things were coming. You know. I was pretty sure. So. I don't know. When I came in. I just. It was. It was the inside stuff. That was still like. I'm looking around. Because. I still. That's what I did. I always compared my insides to everybody's outsides. So. When I'm looking around. It's like. Why are all my friends on this great career path? Or. They're married. And have kids. And like. I'm still. You know. I mean. My. Closest friend. Who is. Who ever. Sitting on the barstool next to me. Like. Like. Nobody's hanging out with me. And. So. That's. Like. The loneliness. That's kind of what brought me to my knees. It's just like. You know. It's. It's years now. And everybody's life seems to be getting better. Or moving on. Or doing something somewhat successful. Except for me. Like. I'm still a loser. And I'm lonely. And I don't have any friends. And I'm not going anywhere. And. I'm making some bad choices. You know. So. That was. That was. My bottom. And. And so. I'm going to the meetings. I'm going every night. And. And I'm just feeling like. They're so happy that I'm here. And I was just. You know. I tried to be. A little miss everything. You know. And so. I would do. Things like. Read the 24 hour book. Right. In the car. Right before the meeting. And then I would jump in. And sit down by somebody. And try to impress them. With what I had just read. And what my thoughts were on that. You know. And then I'll be just like. Hey Liz. Keep coming back. And I'm like. No. Of course I will. You know. And. So. I kind of went like this. And that. And that is my. My beginning. In AA. It was like. It was one of those. You know. If you don't get it. It'll get you. It was just like. You just keep coming back. Like. Don't drink. Go to meetings. Read the big book. And get a sponsor. So. You know. Within five days. They're like. Well. Who's your sponsor? And it's like. Well. I'm still trying to figure that out. And they're like. Just get someone. And. So. I mean. I'm not going to say. You know. Like. Their suggestion was. Find somebody who has what you want. Or talks at the meeting. And shares things that. That you. You know. That you're drawn to. And I'm like. I don't know what they're even talking about. At these meetings. But I'll pick. The woman. Whose car I liked. Whose hair I liked. Whose dress the way I like. Like. That's who I'm going to pick. And that's who I picked. Well. Fortunately. I mean. She's been around a while. So. So. I mean. It all worked out. But. You know. When. When. When. When. When. When you want. But for me. When I walked in these rooms. And I was like. You know. Do you want what we have? I'm like. I'm not sure. Like. I don't. I don't know. I was not. I was not delusional. In that I thought you were going to teach me how to drink. Only because. I had the family members already here. So. I knew once I got here. We were done. My biggest fear. Once I got here. Was. Oh my God. Like. I wonder if I can't do this. Because. You know. My perfect brother could do it. And. I. I don't want to be. Like. The one that can't do it. Because. I already felt bad enough. And that I didn't succeed at anything. And that I wasn't good enough at anything. And so. You know. Come hell or high water. I was going to. I was not going to drink. But then. I wasn't really going to do all this stuff either. You know. And so. I just. My. My sponsor said to me. You know. Well. I said. Well. And the treatment centers were becoming really big then. Like. Everybody coming out. And there weren't a ton of young people. So. That was another thing. So. The young people that were there. Were like. Coming out of treatment centers. And they were all coming out. Like. They had to do their fifth step. To get out. And. I'm a. My sponsor said. Well. I mean. You know. You're going to stay on the first step. Probably for the first year. I was like. A year? Like. These people are 28 days. And they've done five already. So. Now I'm into this competition thing. You know. Like. I don't want to be behind. I don't want to fall behind. You know. And they're like. She said. Well. Well. I'll let you know. When you can move on. But for right now. Just stay on the first step. So. I did. And. I. I want. And. Just. My service stuff was like. The usual. Early. It was the greeter. It was the clean the ashtrays. I mean. You couldn't. My. My. The home group that I joined. Like. You couldn't even be. A chairperson. Until you had. I think. Practically. A year. Definitely. Couldn't hold a service position. But. Of course. There was like. 80 people. So. They had a lot to draw from. They didn't want the. The girl with. You know. Two weeks. Who wanted to be in charge of everything. So. I just did my little menial jobs. And I went to Wheating. All the time. And. You know. They. Suggested. Of course. That. We stay out of relationships. Which. I did for a little bit. But then I was like. Oh. Geez. Come on. I'm 25. I should be in a discotheque somewhere. Why am I here? So. At about six months. I decided I would date somebody who asked me out. Because. The women would come up to me. Watch out for the men in AA. I can believe me. I am. You know. And. I was like. I'm. And they're like. You know. No dating. Stay away from them. And I'm like. Ma'am. I came here to get sober. Not celibate. Like. I'm good. Thanks. Thanks for the advice. That I got work to do. You know. And. So. I did it. I didn't date for about six months. And then somebody asked me out. And then I went out. And I was like. Ten minutes into it. Going. Oh my God. This is a disaster. And then. Trying to get out of it. And then. You know. It wasn't. You know. I learned in here. And it's so true today. It's like. My best teacher is my last mistake. So. That's. You know. I got why they said that. Because. Here I am now. At six months. I got my old boyfriend. That I. You know. Asked me out on a date. Now I can't stand him. I know. I know my whole seven day meeting rotation. I know he's at three of them. And now. I've got to do something. Because I. I do not want to run into him. So. So now. Here I am. Trying to like. Get. Secure. And. Get my way in AA. And. I'm trying to hit meetings. To avoid him. And now. I'm. I'm losing that. Connection. That. That is very important. Early on. To build. So. Then I understood. This is why they said that to me. You know. But my alcoholism. Says. Immediately. You are not the boss of me. You know. And it gets me in trouble every time. And. And. Believe me. It didn't stop there. But. Nonetheless. It's just a lot of these little lessons. Kind of add up. That some. Every now and then. I'm like. I think I'm going to listen this time. Might work. So. Anyway. So. I get. About eleven months. And I'm still in my first step. But. I get a job offer. For. I'm still at that. Somebody that. In a hotel. People just move around. Steal each other. But he moved down to Florida. And. He said. Hey. If you want to come down here. They need a front office manager. I think you'd be good. And blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. So. It was like St. Petersburg. Florida. And I thought. Well. It was an easy move for me. Because my grandmother had like a condo down there. That she didn't go to anymore. Because she quit going down there. When my grandfather died. So it was just empty. So I thought. Well. It's a pretty easy move for me. I can go down. I'll have a place to live. And I'll try this job. So. At eleven months. I did do that. And I went down there. And I. And of course. I went to AA. Like right away. Because my sponsor said. As soon as you get there. You look up those meetings. You get to a meeting first day. So I go in. And you know. Now I come to the meeting. Where nobody knows me. And I walk in. And it's like. You know. Nobody's staying. I sit down. Nobody talks to me. I do the meeting. And I book it. And. They do it all wrong here. They. You know. They read. They read the traditions. At the end of the meeting. Instead of the beginning. They did the. You know. And it was like. All this stuff. And. And I said. And no one. Came up and talked to me. And she said. And how many people. Did you reach your hand out to? And. Did you raise your hand. And say. Hey. I'm new. I'm new here. You know. What did you do? What was your part? You know. And it's like. Well. I just had expectations. As usual. And. So I. I had to. Kind of. It was like. It was like being a newcomer. You know. Because now I had to go to meetings. And like. Hi. Hello. I'm new. New to the area. And everything. And so. You know. I eventually found my people. And I found a sponsor down there. And. Worked the rest of the steps. With her. At this time. I also meet. My husband. So he comes to work at the hotel. After I'd been there a couple months. He moved down. And. And. I mean. We started dating. And. And of course. Now I've got. I've got a year. A year and two months now. Everybody. So I'm. I'm legit. You know. Because. Past that year mark. So it's like. I can start now. And. So we meet. And we date. I mean. We. Almost kind of a love at first sight. Type of thing. And. He's not an alcoholic. And. I was very into. I was very into AA. And I. I tell him that again. I'm like. I have to tell you something. I'm an alcoholic. I don't drink. And. I don't drink. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. You will not win. Gotcha. Duly noted. So. You know. I felt good that I. I did set my precedence. How I did it. My delivery is not always good. But that. You know. So. I mean. After a few months. He. he did ask me to marry him, and then I was like, ooh, you know, I'm like, you know, I have a history, and I'm not sure I should say yes now, because I could change my mind, and it's really good right now, but wait, I was thinking, I could think of his AA, 90 and 90, although it was more than 90, I'm like, let's give it another six months, and then if we still like each other, then maybe I'll say yes, you know, so we did, well, in the meantime, he gets a promotion and transfer to Paducah, Kentucky, and he said, will you move there with me, and I was like, I don't know, is this place on the map, like I've never heard of it, and so I ended up moving to Paducah, Kentucky with him, so now I'm just like kind of at like two years sober, and I went to AA, oh, that was like a real different AA there, so it's a very small town, and I look it up. I look it up right away, I find out where it is, I drive down to, of course, like the scariest part of town, and it's like in the upstairs of a wooden firehouse, and I'm like, oh, I don't even know if I could do it, so the first night, I was like, no, I got to go home, and I had to, okay, I'm going to try again tomorrow, you know, and I went back, and I went up there, and no, it wasn't big, but it was AA, you know, it was AA, and so in my egotistical mind. Manner of which I behave a lot, I just, I ask somebody, I go, what woman in this room has the most sobriety, and they point to this woman, and I'm like, all right, she'll be the one that gets me, so I went to ask her to be my sponsor, and she agreed, so, and she was wonderful, because like they were very southern and sweet, you know, I mean, I got sober in Pittsburgh, and I'd be like, oh, I'm really nervous about sharing, and my sponsor would go, weird. You're just going to pass, because you don't have anything to say that anybody wants to hear, and I'd be like, okay, you know, but this one was just sweet, you know, and she's like, well, we're going to have this dinner, and I'd like you to come and do this, and I mean, my, it was like my second or third year, maybe even my fourth, I'm trying to think, because it was like the 50th anniversary of AA, so they used to do this tri-state convention in Kentucky with Illinois and Missouri, and it was being held in Paducah that year. And she goes, I want you to be the master of ceremonies for the convention, and I'm like, my God, you know, it's like, I can't do that, and she's like, yeah, you can, and she had me so deep in service work that it was, it was so good, because it made me, you know, I just, I've always just, because of my ego, and not wanting to fail, and not wanting to be judged, because I was so judgy, like, I didn't do a lot, because I just was, you know, had no confidence, and was insecure, and couldn't say that, and so she pushed me through AA service work to overcome a lot of that, and used to take commitments into schools, and talk about alcoholism, and we would take little girls road trips, and go to meetings, and really learned about friendship, and I would say through her was the beginning of my actual life. She was so, getting a spiritual connection with God, she was so, and I think that is what, I mean, I finally had two years to understand, like, yes, you do have something I want, and what I found out, what that was, was a spiritual connection with God, you know, it wasn't about what car you drove, it wasn't about how popular you were at the meeting, it wasn't any of that stuff that I thought was important. She had a humble personality. She was caring, she was giving, she was service-oriented, and it all became, and it was all because of her, her spirituality, and her connection with God, and so that really kind of got me on the road to developing that, instead of, like, canned prayers, you know, or reading from the books, you know, just really kind of finding a relationship, finding a God of my understanding, and having a communication. That didn't come from a book, and it didn't come from your, and, you know, it was, it was, it was mine, it was mine, and, and it just, it, and it helps so much with, you know, me kind of calming down a little bit, and, and, and getting what this program really is all about. So, anyways, so, Paducah happens, all good. And, my husband gets another promotion and job change, so we end up moving to, to Key West, Florida, so I go down there, and it was like, you know, Key West is like the end of the road, you guys, right? So, like, when people, like, they just keep hitchhiking, and then they get to the end of the United States, and they can't go any farther, and it's cool, because, like, you can live out in the streets there, it's warm, it's nice, and so we had a lot of, a lot of low-bottom alcoholics down there, and just funky people, because the artists and musicians all had, you know, a lot of, you know, a lot of, you know, a lot of, you know, a lot of people hang out there, so it was just such a fun place to be sober. The clubhouse had chickens running around, I mean, it was like a really cool, fun place to be sober, and I just met some really great friends, and I started to get in service work with being a GSR and a DCM, and doing a lot of service at the clubhouse, and, you know, just, you know, it was really, it was kind of weird, because, I mean, I'm only, like, five or six years sober. I'm almost an old-timer down there, and I thought, well, this is weird, but there were some other, and so I just, I just really kind of grew in the fellowship there as far as service work, and the thing about being GSR and doing those other service commitments really kind of taught me about the traditions, you know, because, you know, I don't talk about them a lot, but it's just like how to be one of many, and how to function, and how to, like, not, you know. I have to be the center of attention, which is what I like, you know, or be the boss, or whatever, you know. It's like how to fit in and be a, you know, man among men, as they say, and so I was there for about nine years, and then my husband and I moved here to Atlanta in 1993, and after being here about a year, my husband was diagnosed with leukemia. You know, that was a very scary thing, and I didn't really know what that was going to look like, and the really hard thing about that for me was, is because I'm an alcoholic and I'm selfish and self-centered, that would, that's probably one of the worst. If you told me, like, what was, what's, like, the worst thing that you think could happen to you, and I'd be like, having to be somebody's caregiver, man, you know, like, because I don't want to do that. I did, I never had children, probably for that reason, too. But it's like, I just want to, you know, I don't, I'll be your partner. I don't want to, I don't want to have to take care of anybody. I don't want to be, because that's how, that's my alcoholism. I don't want to be responsible, and I don't want to be accountable, and God had a different plan for me. He's like, yeah, you can do that, and let me show you how. So, he gives me this husband with a, has leukemia. So, first, first five years weren't bad, but then he had to get a, a bone marrow transplant, and. And the next 20 years were bad. They were, I mean, the bone marrow transplant worked, but it was like the cure made it very, very hard. I mean, the guy, like, I don't know, in 20 years, if he ever strung three good months together. So, my next 20 years, I just had to do a whole shift, you know. I had to become a caregiver, which I didn't want to do. So, I had to become a breadwinner, because. He had so many illnesses and things wrong with him because of all the chemo and stuff. He was unable to work anymore. So, now I had to, like, I had to up the game. Like, I wanted to be the girl, like, you take care of me, you know. Like, I don't want to have to work that hard. I'll contribute a little bit, but I would rather you just bring home the bacon, and I'll do what I can, you know. But that's not what happened. So, I had to become the caregiver and the breadwinner, and that's how our life looked for the next 20 years. And. And, you know, this program got me through that. I mean, because at the end of the day, I was getting it, and I, you know, we hear these stories in these rooms all the time. Like, this isn't going to be the hill I die on. I may not like it, but I know it's character building. I know that everything that's happening to me is happening for a reason. I know this was God's plan for me to say, you know what, Liz, you can be a caregiver, and you can, you know, get a better job and get a promotion. You're capable. You're smart enough, and you can do it, you know. And our job here in this program, or on earth, I mean, our book says it, but really, on earth, is to be of service to God and those about us. And he was putting that in my face. And so, I had to put on my big girl panties and make all that happen. I lost my husband, gosh, next week will be 10 years ago. And, man, if it wasn't for the people in this program, I can't even remember, like, when it happened. I mean, but all I know is my house was just filled with AA people for, like, a week. Like, they were just there when, you know, and, you know, I just couldn't even think. I was, like, kind of in shock. And I shouldn't have been, because there was many times in 20 years I thought he was going to die. But when he died, totally unexpected. And so, I was just, I don't know. But they were all there. And to surround me with love and let me know that you're going to get through this and we're going to be here for you and with you. And so, that was pretty awesome. And, you know, I was still going to meetings. I always have a service position in my group. You know, sometimes it's an important one and sometimes it's not that important. But because that's how I was introduced to this program, and it always worked for me. Like, you know how we always say in here, like, I don't know it's working for me. Is it the meetings? Is it the steps? Is it the sponsor? Is it the service work? Is it this or that? It's like, I do it all. And I'm not going to let go of any of it, because all of it's worked for me. And I don't want to sit and go, well, maybe if I let go of this and this. Because I've been here long enough now to see there's a lot of people that go back out. Because it's like, I'm going to let this one thing go, or I'm going to let this one thing go. And pretty soon, we let it all go. And then I go. So, you know, it's really important to me that I stay close with my friends in the fellowship, that I stay current with my sponsor, that I stay active in my home group, because, you know, they're there for me all the time. And I've been so fortunate when things have gone bad for me. And, you know, after my husband died, he left me. I was like a 95-year-old mother who I then had to care for for another four years. And then my mom, I had to move her up here. And like I said, she's a great mom. And she's a great mom. And she just passed away five years ago. So it's like, it's funny now, because now it's what I do. It's like, I just retired like six months ago. And people are like, what do you do? And I'm like, well, there's this old lady in my neighborhood, and she really needs help. So, like, I take her to her doctor's appointments. And I do this, and I do that. So it just makes me laugh sometimes, because the one thing that I thought I would just hate and never do, I'm good at it. And God showed me that. I didn't. I didn't accept it readily. But now that I'm on the other side of it, it's like, you know, to give of myself, to be of service, keeps me out of my own head, because my alcoholism keeps me so self-centered. And as long as I'm out there doing service and asking God, I wake up every day grateful. Every single day, my first pond wakening, I open my eyes, and I say, thank you, Jesus, for this day. You know? I have been given so many gifts and so many friendships. And, you know, my life is good. My life is great. I wouldn't trade it for anything. And, you know, I just, I thank this program from the bottom of my heart and all of you people for being here for me. So thank you. And she said her delivery isn't always good. Let's give Liz another round of applause. Thank you, one and all, for joining the Blue Chef Speakers meeting tonight.