Living in Alcoholics Anonymous and Visiting the World – Karl M.

I do want to set this somewhere else. I'm going to kind of just pick up because somehow I ran out of time last night and I stopped at like a year and a half sober, so... And it says getting started in AA, I guess is what they put in there. I never mentioned that. They threw that in there, and so... But I look at, I think, I really hope. I'm 17 years sober. I got sober at 25. I truly hope to live to be 75 years old, right? And if I keep doing the things I've been doing, I can get 50 years of sobriety if I stay connected with you. So 17 compared to 50, I'm still getting started. This is a wonderful, wonderful feeling when I think about that. It reminds me of when my mother got this letter. She was like 39 years old and thought her life was sort of winding down until she got a letter from her great aunt in Iceland who was 108 years old. So she started to do the math and started thinking, oh my God, I'm just barely starting at life. And so I'm still getting started. Getting started in Alcoholics Anonymous can last a long, long time. It really can. And I'll give you an exact... I mean, many parts of the life of a normal human being I'm just now experiencing right with I told you that experiencing my first child which is coming in about four to six weeks just got married you can my wife is eight months pregnant we got married in March you can do the math just didn't do that quite perfectly but it's nobody judges anybody an alcoholic synonymous and certainly not Scott but for many, many years in Alcoholics Anonymous I was a relationship retard really, I mean it's scary it's really scary here's an example of how my relationship life being single in Alcoholic Anonymous this little story will give you a good idea of how emotionally equipped I was to function on this planet in this area seven years sober real active in Alcoholix Anonymous big home group in Covina, just obsessed with this woman who was absolutely crazy, but just a kind-hearted, good woman, crazy, absolutely insane. But I was really in love with her. And Monday night four speaker meeting, 150 people. We're out in the parking lot at the break when everybody's out inthe parking lot. I mean, just people as deep as you can see. and I don't remember what I said but it was probably inappropriate and she was very angry at me. She's in her shorts and her hiking boots and she is on the hood of my car pounding on the front window and everybody's like I've got like nine guys I sponsor, you know, around and lots of friends and they're all watching this and we're just going right on, right? She's on the foot she is in the front she is down the hood of my cart pounding on the front windows yelling you sob, you sob. And I put the car in reverse and back up just a little bit. Boom! She's sitting right there on the sidewalk and she's starting to get up. Now, you guys are all thinking that's really sick to be acting like that in front of everybody. That's not the sick part. The sick part is that as she was pounding on the window staring at me yelling you SOB, you SOV. I was behind the wheel thinking I have never been more in love in my life. Tells you a lot about me, doesn't it? Anyway, I'm going to pick up kind of where I left off last night And I'm going to try to spend a little bit of time over steps one, two, and three. But I'm gonna squeeze in a little more of early sobriety because it's just so... I've always found that it's really important because it is really the new person we're trying to help. We all just do what we do and we know that our interaction and our listening to each other and all of that is vitally important in our own lives. But really any meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous is really there for that new person who it really could be, and they may not even know it, on the verge of not staying in Alcoholics Anonymous and don't even understand it. So I was... Let's just give a little summary. Blair up on the bridge, first sponsor Bob W. in the Navy, and we got this little meeting going on way down in the bottom of the ship, and it was just Bob and I reading the big book back and forth to each other and him taking me through the steps. And what happened, Blair wound up being our little number three, right? Out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean every night. Now it's Bob, Carl, and Blair. And we're reading the big book back and forth. And maybe they started to make jokes. The other guys on the ship were making jokes about, you know, it was a little battery shop where they stored batteries. Yeah, the Alkies, they're not drinking anymore. They're down there sniffing that battery acid now. you know they were making little jokes about it and uh but but sooner or later in came one more guy popping his head in and saying can i come in what do i need to do to be able to sit in here with you guys and you know he little did did he know that nothing just come on in and sit in with us and by the time i left the navy at two years two years sober on the last meeting that i attended in that little battery shop, you couldn't fit everybody in there. There was 13 men that were in that meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and it was just a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful experience. I got out of the Navy at two years. I have no skills for making a living. As I told you, they called me an electrician. Drunk, they would not let me stand watch on a light switch. sober I'm terrified of electricity so I have no skills to make a living I get out of the Navy because my first sponsor and his sponsor really hounded me about the amends I've got no money I'm still push starting the same car I got sober with and I'm going to school I told you about that last night. Everything I own is in my car, and I'm driving up the 405 freeway and then onto the 605 to go into Covina, and I start thinking. I'm puttering along the freeway. Guys are blazing by me in nice, fast BMWs like they do on the L.A. freeways. And I'm thinking, oh, my God, I've got to get a life. I'm two years sober and Alcoholics Anonymous. I need to get an life. I've heard people talk about that in meetings. They talk about getting a life, I need to get one and I need need to get one quick quick I'm gonna go to school I'm going to have to work because you know nobody's paying my bills you know I'll stop by some meetings when I get a chance I'm two years sober I'm gonna I'm Gonna Get a Life and then when I get a life I'll Stop by Alcoholics Anonymous when I can but by God I need To Get a life and I pulled into a noon meeting in Covina just simply wanted to know where the meetings were going to be that I was going to go to after a few years after I get a life. And so I met the man that became my sponsor for the next 10 years, Eddie Cochran, one of like one of the pioneers of Southern California Alcoholics Anonymous. At that time, his medallion said 1951. So at that time this would have been 1989. So he would have been 37 years sober at that Time and making coffee at the noon meeting. And just like the very first guy that came up to me and said, hey, never seen you here before. What are you doing? When I first got out of the treatment center, that's what Eddie did. I was there a little bit early, and he came over, poured me a cup of coffee, and said haven't seen you here before? What's up? And I said, well, I'm two years sober, fresh out of the Navy, and I'm going to get a life up here. I'm gonna be going to school. I am going to be working, and i'm glad to know where your meetings are because I'll be stopping by when I get a chance. And that exactly was his response. Now, I am so glad he was the kind of man that he did not need to know me that he gave me the answer that one alcoholic gives to another alcoholic and I'm so glad I brought that up to him Because had I stopped at my school to check in first and maybe find out who my guidance counselor was and explain to that guidance counselor, well, I'm a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Haven't had a drink in two years, fresh out of the Navy. No skills for making a living. I'm going to be going to school here. I have to work also at least six hours a day in order to pay any bills. So I'm really not going to go to many meetings of Alcoholic Anonymous because I'm gonna really work on my life. That guidance counselor would have said, excellent idea. You're sober a couple of years. You really don't need to go to that, you know, stop by a meeting once in a while. But yes, obviously, you're 27 years old. You need to get a life, right? I'm so glad that Eddie talked to me like a real alcoholic and gave me an answer that a real alcoholic gives another one without even knowing anything about me. He said, school and work are wonderful, but that's what we do in between meetings, son. And what he was giving me was the secret to long-term sobriety and comfortable sobriety, and that is that I need to live in Alcoholics Anonymous and visit the world. Instead of trying to live out there in the world and visit AlcoholicsAnonymous when convenient, which so many people over the years that I have known have tried to do. And when I say live in alcoholics anonymous, I'm not talking about being at the morning attitude adjustment meeting, the noon meeting, the 5 o'clock happy hour meeting, the 7 o' clock meeting, and the 8.30 meeting and working behind the counter at the Alano Club. If you're doing that, fantastic. Great. But that's not what I'm talking about, living in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm talkng about a spiritual centeredness of knowing who and what I am, what my problem is, what my solution is, and the plan of action on a daily basis to bring that about. And that must come first in my life at all costs. I need to make decisions on my life based upon the fact that I'm a sober member of AlcoholicsAnonymous. I need the way decisions on me life as to how that's going to affect that. And that has been the secret in my wife. One of the very first things that Eddie told me I needed to do was to put newcomers in that car. Now, I'm push-starting this little Volkswagen hole in the floorboard and I said, Eddie, there's a hole inthe floorboard. One of the new guys might fall through the floor board. And he said, put new guys in your car and I promise you, your life will get better. I thought it was silly but he was 10 years sober when I was born so I thought, well, I'll give it a try. and the very first night I did what he asked me to do and put some new guys in my car I realized he had not lied to me my life got better immediately the new guys could push start my car he didn't say how much better he just said better I asked Eddie to be my sponsor And what has often happened before, after I talk a lot, people often say, well, what happened to Bob W.? What happened to him? Where's he at? Well, I can just tell you a quick little story. It says a lot. He stayed in the Navy for a while. He moved to Portland. Of course, I stayed in contact with a little of them, but this kind of says it all. On March 13th, 124 days ago, I was getting married. And the best man at my wedding was Bob W. I thought it was appropriate that he be my best man simply because I've been his best man twice and I had not heard from Blair forever until literally about 30 days ago a miracle of the internet in comes his email through the website from my old ship and all it said was, have you been to Victoria British Columbia lately? Blair. That's where Bob was reading the big book to him as he had him propped up on there. It's been wonderful just lately to be able to see these guys that have been so instrumental in my sobriety. Every once in a while I hit dead brain cells. They still just sort of misfire. Does that happen to you guys? just all of a sudden, boom, all the time. Also, long, long road with my family. A long road to being able to heal with my family. One of the biggest mistakes I started to try to do with my family was try to explain to them what I needed to do in Alcoholics Anonymous in order to stay sober. And it became very, very apparent that although they started to love to see the results. They just don't understand what I need to do in Alcoholics Anonymous to stay sober. And finally, somebody explained it very well. Non-alcoholics that love you are not going to understand what you need to doing Alcoholics Anonymous stay sober any more than they can understand why you drank the way you did. It they just are not gonna know and so I had to completely shift my mode of thinking into trying to get my parents and family to understand me to completely turn that ball around and say oops my job is to try to understand them because i'm the one that's missed out on the whole life maybe i should be starting to ask them questions about what they're doing in their life so i can learn to know them more instead of trying to it's a losing battle to be understood by anybody it's just all whenever i take the stance of i'm i need to be understood here i lose i really really lose and so that's when i started to try to learn about who my parents were who my family was and it's been a wonderful wonderful journey it really has been um found out what an amazing man my father was and i also at the same time as finding out what amazing man uh i started having a lot of guilt over seeing more and more of the damage and humiliation i would have done to that family because my parents were very much in the public eye in Seattle, in the neighborhood. And being a Lutheran minister in the neighbourhood and having a drug dealer for a son just doesn't go well. It really does not go well and my mother, due to her profession has become very, very well known in the Pacific Northwest and so I was doing a lot of damage to the family. Now, I... Okay. Just about six years ago, I got a really, really good shot about how Alcoholics Anonymous really transformed my relationship with my family. And that was, I was down in, I was asked to come down to Nogales, Arizona. I'm way in Alaska. Anybody even know where Nogalis, Arizona is? Are you from there? Okay, good. It is the armpit of the United the states it's just really you've been in nogales yet oh and it was uh you guys have a really nice campsite with nice little cabins this place was dusty it was hot it was sticky there were tarantulas on the ground i mean and when the trucks went they gave me this little tent on the side of the road where the trucks were blazing by and so i slept it was going to sleep off in the bushes. It was just horrendous, just a horrendous camp out weekend. But it's one of those things where you say you're going to do it, you do it. Before I went, I called my mother and I said, you know, I'm going to be in Nogales. My pager may not work. I have one of those nationwide pagers, but there are certain blackout areas that don't work and guaranteed Nogale is one of those areas. And so I said I just don't want you to be worried if you try to page me and I'm not answering and she goes oh my goodness you really have to uh get a hold of Don and Leona they just live north just in Green Valley just north of Nogales and I say who's Don and Leon she goes oh you remember Don was the best man in your father's my wedding I said I wasn't there I was not there but I had I hadn't known them they'd been lifelong lifelong family friends but I really had not seen them since I was about nine years old but of course I had heard about them and I they, you know, I knew who they were. I go, oh, absolutely. I'll give them a call. And I call up Don and I go this is Carl Morris and I'm going to be down in Nogales for the weekend and I'd love to stop by and see you. It would be great to see you and he gets all excited. He goes, oh absolutely. It'd just be wonderful. And he says, I hear you love to golf. And that's just a magical word. I mean it's like a golf whore. I don't golf with anybody, any time, for any reason and I don' even need to know your name. I just Boom. I'm there with you. He says, bring your clubs. We'll go out and play this course right near my house. I go, fantastic. So we're walking along and he starts to ask me very specific pertinent questions about my life. The conversation was very one-sided. I tried to squeeze some in, but he just specific. I mean, he knew what school I graduated from. He knew what companies I'd been with. He knew about the recovery homes I'm involved with. He knew everything about my life. And one after another, he was asking me questions that were very pertinent to my life, and by the fourth hole, I said, Don, I'm really embarrassed. I haven't seen you in 30 years. And I know very little about your life, but you seem to know an awful lot about mine. How is that possible? And he said, well, two reasons. First reason is because before your father died in 1996, he was always talking about how proud he was about what you were doing in your life in all areas. That was nice to hear. It was not a secret because after about three to four years, my father and I did become very, very close and we completely mended our relationship and I learned a lot from that man. And in my case, just in mine, it's not true in everybody's, had I not repaired that relationship, I believe I'd be walking around this planet as half a man. I really do. I believe that about my relationship with my father. But it was very nice to hear from an old family friend to reaffirm that. It was very, very nice. The next thing he said just absolutely floored me and just knew it. I knew right then that Alcoholics Anonymous had just worked miracles. He said, besides, every Christmas I get the letter. And I'm like, yes, I'm finally in that damn thing. it was, it was huge and it's very unfair last last October my family had an engagement party for my wife and I we were engaged in October got pregnant in November i'm really kind of proud of it to tell you the truth when we went to the doctor to talk about that we really wanted to have kids immediately after after the wedding and he told us we needed to get off the birth control and we needed to give her some time to get out of it and he she's 10 years younger than i am and he doctor looked over at me he didn't know me it was her family doctor he said yeah and you'd better hurry history just following doctor's orders is what i'm doing but what's unfair is no it wasn't the engagement party was actually right after christmas so the christmas letter had been done now my wife at that time fiancee had only really been involved in our family for about 14 months we had been dating for about14 months and right there in the christmas letter she's already in it i mean i just looked at this go for god's sakes 14 months qualifies you to get into this thing i had to work for i don't know 14 years to get my name back in that thing and she gets it like right away it's just really unfair sometimes so what was really, really when I look back on my early sobriety it really was two things extreme activity in Alcoholics Anonymous but not enough and finally with me at six months taking the steps of AlcoholicsAnonymous See, they have to work together. There's no way to work the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and not be an active member of Alcoholic Anonymous in good conscience because how can you claim to be working the steps and disregarding 12? Because it doesn't say just in case having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps and it's convenient we suggest you might want to try to work with others. It doesn't says stuff like that. It says this is what we do. So they work in synergy and as I told you for six months I was getting sicker and sicker with lots and lots of activity. But when the steps actually were, I was tricked into working the steps, what it did was, the first piece of real, real hope that it gave me was I finally knew what my problem was. It's not that I didn't feel soul sick and still don't every once in a while feel soul stick. It's few and far between now. But now, the big difference, and it came in like at a year, year and a half sober where I finally realized, oh my God, when I am feeling that soul sickness in my belly because I still was getting it and it took a long time for it to not be creeping in. The big difference was that I wasn't saying what's wrong with me? What's wrong? What's going on with me and that is so huge when I'm able to say that's what it is. Ah, it's my alcoholism starting to rear its head. That's why I feel that way, right? It's so wonderful about Alcoholics Anonymous that prior to Alcoholics Anonymous, lots and lots of people go to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on therapy to find out why they feel so different and what's wrong with them and why they feels so different. You come into Alcoholics Anonymous after spending thousands and thousand and thousands of dollars and we give you a very simple answer as to why you feel so different. Because you are. It's a very, very simple answer and for me to not to be the first thing that i truly believe i have to do in step one is that i need to diagnose my problem and a little analogy is if you were driving on the freeway do you have freeways here in alaska you do i haven't seen one yet but say you're on the freeway and your car breaks down you should be glad if you don't have freeway if your car breaks down you don't just sort of randomly start well, let's change a tire see if that does it well, lets change the battery see if this works see if it does it here, let us you know change the I am so I do not know shit about cars true Let's try an alternator, all right? If that doesn't work, we're going to try the windshield wiper, right? You wouldn't do that. You would not do that if you know enough you would diagnose the problem before you started to try any solution or you would find somebody who could diagnose it for you, right, and that's what we must do in Alcoholics Anonymous. We've got to know what our problem is. I've got a problem. I've gotta find out what truly is my problem. What is my alcoholism? I must understand allergy to the body, obsession to the mind, and the spiritual malady. I've got to get that firmly, firmly grounded in my life, be able to apply it to and be able To review my life and see exactly how that worked and how that mental obsession and the physical allergy has manifested itself in my life. We don't know that when we first come in. We come in and we know we're in deep trouble. We just don't Know what the real trouble is, but we know we are in deep, deep trouble. And the 12 and 12 says under the lash of alcoholism we were driven to AA. It was there we learned the fatal nature of our disease. We do not come to Alcoholics Anonymous knowing the fatal nature of alcoholismo. We think we've just got lots and lots of problems and we are drinking and using too much. And I'm so glad that it was really, really diagnosed for me that the center point of my problems are based upon the fact that I cannot drink successfully because of the physical allergy. I cannot not drink successfully because of a mental obsession. Now, in regards to alcohol, there's only two types of people on this planet. Those that drink and those that don't. Now, I've just identified I can't drink successfully and I cannot NOT drink successfully. So I can do either. I'm in the ultimate catch-22. damned if I do damned if i don't because if I can just if it's my problem is just that I cannot drink successfully well then you know that's where that big thing is stop just stop just stopped and if if you're like me you can't just stop you can stop for a period of time but it slowly slowly I become so restless irritable and discontent so frustrated with life so especially like with me where I really had no way to go in life. I didn't know what any pathway to success was going to be. And I'm two years sober, and I don't know what pathway to success is going to me. I have no skills to lean back on. I mean, drug dealing and being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous just don't mix. They really don't. Sponsors frown on that stuff. It's not to say that it doesn't happen, but it just does not go along with a good, solid program. It really doesn't. And so that was really, you know, and of course I always had the idea, well, you Know, I could transfer the sales techniques over into real life. You know, it just doesn't really work there either. It really does not. It also is really difficult coming from where I came from because at 14 years old, I'm walking around with a wad of money that I can't even drive, and I'm making more than my father. See, here's another example of the damage I can do. I remember at 15 years old, my father, I was caught one more time for dealing drugs and I said to him, you make $14,000 a year as a pastor. I make that in a month. You know? Say things like that to a man like that. It's just unbelievable the type of stuff that we can do and so which way am I going to go? So I needed to understand that if my main, main problem is my relationship with alcohol, if I focus in on that, if I focusing on the solution to that, all of those other things are going to come in time. And it's been, it's really, really, I have always seen that. I've never seen anybody who has really focused in on solving their alcoholism problem, I've never seen them starve. I have never seen them not get the other areas of their life going sooner or later. Not in the ways that they've thought, but they've always come to pass. So if I can, and when we were talking about thoroughly conceding also last night, and I've always kind of viewed that when I really get the information of what the allergy to the body and obsession of the mind really is in my life, and I think concession and surrender are enough synonyms that I'm going to use them together. Of course, there'd be a little argument, but that's wonderful coffee shop talk that will keep us, keep you, keep a new guy, you know, out of the bars until two. Five here. Your bars are open till five? Oh my God, you got to stay up with your newcomers late, don't you? And then pick them up again at six, don'T you? But I've always sort of pictured it as that when I really find out what's truly wrong with me and the fatal nature of alcoholism, I should, as being new and for the first time really finding out what that really means, what my problem really is, what the diagnosis really is and the fetal nature of it, I should get as sinking and sick of feeling in my belly as if I had just gone to take a blood test last week and the doctor called me and sat me down in the office and said, I'm very, very sorry but you're HIV positive. I should get the same. Just imagine that sinking feeling that people get when that information is given to them because pretty much a death sentence has been passed, right? There's really nowhere to go. That, when I really truly understand what my alcoholism is, I'm facing the same type of malady. I am facing a death sentencing. And it's not going to be one of those death sentences where everybody's going tobe kind and helping and really good to you because death from alcoholism alienates everybody. And, you know, when we compare them to diseases, when we prepare alcoholism to like cancer like the big book does, it's really, you now, when people are dying of cancer, people are very, very concerned and they rally around when you have friends in your life and family is all very concerned and, in fact, they try to make your life easier. But, you kno, as the disease of alcoholism, they really don't rally around and, you kow, pat you on the back or, you gno, and get all concerned. And the reason is, is because when you get diagnosed with cancer and are dying of cancer, you just don't steal your friend's TV. You don't do that. Right? And so it's hard to play the disease card with people that love you. Right? You can't really throw that out. I'm sorry. You know, men just don'T work with... I'm Sorry. I've got a disease. That's why I did that. They just don' t buy it. There's a lot more to be done. So, if I can concede to that, I kind of like to draw the picture if you want to see old European wars where one side was dressed in red, one side in blue. The army's there and there's great paintings if you travel. There are paintings of these wars and of surrender periods. You often see that where the generals are standing there. One side is very proud and one side is just beaten down. and they've got the little boy with the scroll and he's showing the articles of concession, right? And the one general is about to sign. And that's because, you know, he's willing to concede because too many men, women, and children in property are gone. And so they're willing to conceit. And I need to look at that within my alcoholism. I am willing to concede to alcoholism because I understand I am beat and I'm willing to sign the articles OF CONCESSION, right. And now in those ancient days, Those articles of concession do not say, until you change your mind. It does not say to the other general, yes, you need to do this, this, this and this, and we will quit killing your men, women and children and destroying your property unless you change your mind and decide it's not important. It does NOT say that. And I need to understand that when I sign the articles of concession to alcoholism, it does not include until I change my mind. When I sign up for this, I really need to not have any lurking notion that I am going to be not doing this at some point. I really needs to surrender to alcoholism. And you can see symptoms. It's hard for me to see it in myself, but you can symptoms when you work with people as to those that are surrendered and those who have conceded and those that have not. Those who have conceited and have surrendered it's real easy to see the symptoms. They're the ones with commitments, with sponsors, trying to be sponsors at lots and lots of meetings. They often use the word, yes, I'll do that. Absolutely. Those are articles of people who have conceded, who understand the fatal nature of their disease and are willing to do whatever is necessary. The symptoms of those that are not surrendered are usually the following. Why? Well, what? What? No, no. Huh? Do what? Right? Very obvious. I mean, it's real obvious to see who's who's what. It's hard to see in ourselves, though. And I always like to, see that's why I always like to and I'll get into this in three that I like to be able to answer a solid question in my life to know whether I'm still active enough and still conforming to the articles of concession to my alcoholism. And I'll get to that in a couple of minutes. So if I have surrendered to that, I need you know, I move on to step two. Out of we agnostics, I really truly believe that step two all boils down to that one question and it just says am I willing to believe do I now believe or am I even willing to believe in a power greater than myself it's a very simple question, it does not say have you adopted a very serious doctrine that you can abide by have you really got some deep spiritual insights in your short time in Alcoholics Anonymous can you explain to somebody else your relationship with God it doesn't ask that it says, do I now believe or am I even willing to believe in a power greater than myself? And then it just follows that right up with as soon as a man can answer that he does believe or is even willing To believe we emphatically assure him. He's on his way Does not say we sort of tentatively say maybe you're kind of on your way Think about step two a little while longer Double check with some other people about their relationship with God to compare it with yours It doesn't say anything like that. It is a very, very simple, simple question and it's 99% of the time it can be answered in a positive way. The part of am I even willing to believe? And as soon as I can answer that, I'm on my way. So I get to step three and I've got to tell you I was really for a long time in Alcoholics Anonymous I was realy confused about the idea of God let alone the words of turning my will and life over to the care of God. One of the things that I can tell you when I was confused about, because I'd hear about, and Scott makes jokes about this, about the parking lot God and the relationship God and people, and I was mishearing the way they worded their relationship with God and I thought they were talking that there were multiple gods in Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm supposed to choose one. Apparently I wasn't listening to chapter 5 where it says there's one who has all power that one is God, may you find him now. I just must have missed that. So I thought this was like pagan Rome and it surely will fall. Right? So, I was getting more and more confused. And this is when I was dying of untreated alcoholism and was not reading the book. And again, walking in an eggshell relationship with my family. So I called up my dad one night when I Was Feeling Rather Distressed and I said, Dad, you've been a minister and a theologian your whole life. Forty years. You spent your whole live studying about, talking about, living a life based upon God. Please tell me, what's God? And he said, how long has it been since you had a drink? I said, I think it's been about four and a half months. He said, well then God is whatever got you to those people in Alcoholics Anonymous. For Christ's sake, do what they say. Click. I remember one other time he told me, hey, hey, don't go way out on the branches of the big tree of spirituality. Stick with the trunk. Great, go out on little ventures into this side and deeper off here. But you know what? The further away you get from the solid trunk of spirituality and out on one of those limbs, it's great to go get a little view of something but you know what the limb gets thinner the farther you get out away from the basis and the basis that they i and i also didn't realize uh this took me many many years to to realize this also and that is that as a child many people have often uh questioned me being raised as a lutheran minister's son boy were they just slamming it down your throat was that difficult and i don't remember anything like that in fact um and this is a great uh thing that i learned about my father He moved us all to the island of Borneo. When I was four, he came back when I was nine. He was there as a missionary. He was to start a church. He was with the Basel Christian Church out of Switzerland, had sent him over there. And he went to start this church. When he came black, indeed, he started his church. It's still thriving, still successful. Went back in 98 to see it. In fact, there's six of them now and about 10,000 members. It was just amazing. They treated us like returning kings. It was really quite an experience. However, my father came back from that trip to Borneo. Now, Borneo is a Muslim state, right? And I remember as a child when they do the call to prayer, that still rattles my bones as one of the most spiritual things I've ever heard in my life. I don't know if you guys know what I'm talking about, the five o'clock, the late call to pray. And there's a lot of Hindus and a lot Buddhists. My father came out of that and he went back from there. He went there, a Scandinavian Lutheran minister with one view of life. He came back thinking they had taught him more than he had taught them. Now, he went and started implementing meditation techniques into his practices when working with elderly and sent the bishops of the Lutheran church through the roof. Just meditation, massage, acupressure, all of these breathing techniques that are part of Eastern spirituality and he just got himself in all sorts of trouble. So he was a very open-minded man. I was never slammed down with one view of God at all. And I didn't know all this was going on around me. I'm like smoking weed listening to Deep Purple is what I'm doing. I don't know any of this great stuff is going on in my family. I don'T know my father is going through major transformations in his life. These are all things I miss. so i'm confused in alcoholics anonymous about this third step thing i they say made a decision to turn my will and life over the care of god as understood you know if you ask me have you done that i'm sitting back there nine months sober have you done that? I'd go, I think so. But I can't say yes because how do I measure the answer to turning my will and life over to the care of God? They're very intangible words. How do I know, you know, my will in my life? What really is that? If you would have said turn your car and your clothes over to the care of God, as you understand them. I would be, you know, that afternoon, because by that time I had become desperate, that afternoon I would have push-started my little Volkswagen and put it on over to any church because I figured God must be there, I suppose. And I would've knocked on the door, the pastor would've come, and I would're said, You know what? I'm trying to stay sober. They say I need to turn my car and my clothes over to care of god, as understand them, my understanding is he might be here. So here's the keys to my Volkswagen. it's still running so you don't have to push start it um and i would have taken off my dirty leather pants i i literally other than my navy uniform all i ever wore off the ship were leather pants leather jacket black boots black tank top i'd i my hair i'd mess i'd really screw it all up and i wear long dangly earrings at night uh long dangling earrings and sunglasses at night and i'm sitting in meetings of alcoholics anonymous in july in southern california this one acquaintance of mine said that I was suffering from IRS problems at that time that's imaginary rock star is what that is but I would have taken off the leather pants not leather underwear, just leather pants and taken off a jacket and I would've laid it down and I'd walk down the street with no car and no clothes naked, feeling really stupid but I could've come back to you and said I did what you asked and I would have had a solid answer and solid proof that I had done that. But you're asking me to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, I don't understand. How do I get some solid proof that I've done that or continue to do that? So I needed to find out what these words actually meant. What is my will in my life? So let's try to review that. I think I will take a sip of Diet Squirt. I think I will take a sip of diet squirt I think I will take a sip of diet squirt I have just changed my life ever so slightly to see any evidence of that I just changed my life there would have to be an immediate drought none of you get any liquid at all I would live about 18 minutes longer than you because of that sip of diet squirt that I just took and you guys can't drink during this meeting so I would as we all died out that diet squurt changed the course of my life by 18 minutes however however slight that tick of destiny is there it went right there so my will is just my thinking but if I take no action upon it my life has not been changed so my will is my thinking my life is a sum total of actions that I've taken up to this point I come to Alcoholics Anonymous I've been operating on sick thinking my whole life the actions I've being taking on that sick thinking have created a destroyed destroyed life I'm now in Alcoholics Aanonymous I cannot you've heard the old saying I cannot think my way into better living I must live my way into better thinking and I truly believe that's true i cannot think my way into this thing and so you guys have often said to the new person forget your thinking throw out your thinking right so let's first of all reword out reword step three i know it can be blasphemy and it's on tape and you can accuse me of of this but whatever but let's change the word the wording of step three made a decision to turn my thinking and my actions over to the to care of god as understanding but we can't do anything about our thinking so let'S even go a little bit. We're really going to go out on a limb here. We're going to drop out that first part and change the wording of step three to made a decision to turn my actions over to the care of God as I understood them. See, now we've got some tangible words here. Something that I can really grab a hold of and answer you. So I'm looking for a place to turn my actions Over to that represent the care of God. And where am I going to turn those actions to? It's asking me. Made a decision to turn my actions over to the carer of God as understood. Well, where am I going to turn my actions over to that represent the care of God? Well, I suppose I could go volunteer in the soup line. I could get active in a church. I could be active in the mosque. I could active in synagogue. I could act with the United Way. I don't know. What am I gonna do? Well, this is just my view as a sober alcoholic. I truly believe that almost 70 years ago i'm going to back up again let's make a comparison just for comparison reasons based upon western civilization most of you know this story that millions and millions of people think that there was this amazing gift from god two thousand years ago gave his only son died on the cross forgiveness of sins new covenant all this type of stuff millions of People live by that very successfully it's wonderful great it's truly believed great direct gift from God for mankind right they have big story about it three wise men little manger right star all angels singing everybody gets excited on the 25th even though it's really not the date right every you know it is it's the date of a pagan sun god date i believe interesting stuff interesting stuff but so they truly believe that there's an amazing gift directly from god well i believe 70 years ago So, you know, Moses, Muhammad, Jesus, and probably the big guy were all up there and they're just having their little morning chat. God said, you guys, man, there's a group of guys down there, men and women, that just don't get it. I mean, we've just had lots of religions down there. A lot of them good and some not so good. But they'rejustnotgettingit. They are dying in the gutters. They are destroying their families. They don't think they're alcoholic. Everybody thinks they are but them. and they just can't get it. What do you guys think we ought to do? Right, Muhammad probably said, I don't know, let's talk, you know, we'll send the solution to Young, the problem to Selfworth and we're going to, I Don't Know, we'll start this Oxford group thing up just a blip in history long enough to be able to get a plan of action and let's converge it on this drunk down on Wall Street. when you really study that as to how that all happened between the solution coming across from Switzerland from Carl Jung Silkworth working you know Jung knew our solution did not know what our problem was did not have any idea did not want to know any plan of action but he knew what our solution was vital spiritual awakening Silkworth knew exactly what our program was but really didn't know how to bring about the solution let alone what the solution really would be and the Oxford groups had this plan of action but they didn't know what the solution or the problem was but they were wandering around with a plan of action going on right they were all at the same time in history and it all converged right in on Bill amazing stuff I truly believe it's bigger than you know that there was no room at the end it's a big deal right truly truly the powerful hand of God at work for us an amazing gift an amazing amazing gift right and so if that if i believe that which i do amazing direct gift for our specific community and i'm and i am looking for a place to turn my actions over to that represent the care of god where am i going to turnmy actions overto alcoholics anonymous would only make sense return my actionsoverthecareofalcoholicsanonymousand what does that mean sponsorship, meetings, commitments, trying to sponsor, working the steps, right? All of the above. And so when you ask me when I go to bed at night, are you really living in the essence of step three? I can look back at my day and say, did I answer that telephone? Did I attend the meeting that I'm supposed to attend that day? Did i show up where I said I was going to an Alcoholics Anonymous? I Can Say Absolutely. Absolutely. I have turned my will and life over the care of Alcoholics Anonymous, the care of God as understanding. And so I need and there's great value if you're going to be working with people to have confidence in what you're doing because one of the biggest hindrances to people that want to work with people but they think I'm just not qualified. I just don't think I can and they're extremely qualified. You know if only if if you've got a car and you know nothing you're extremely qualified to help out people in Alcoholics Anonymous. You see, trying to think that you're responsible to carry the message yourself is extremely self-centered. Carry them to the message. Carry that new person to where the message is being carried. Expose them to it. Carry them into the message so valuable, extremely valuable, right? And just sort of nod your head as they're talking. It's pretty easy. It's really pretty easy It really is. I'm going to end it with when I was a child I was taught this and I didn't even know it that the pathway to happiness is to realize that God gives all of us every single person is given gifts from God my job is to find out what those gifts are Cultivate them and use them to help other people. Period. That alone will give me the pathway to an extremely happy, fulfilled life. It may not be wealthy. Maybe it will. But it will be a fulfilling life. If I just base my life on find out what my gifts are. Cultivated them. Use them to health other people And just look at Alcoholics Anonymous. It's like our gift. Most people have to go and search, what really is my gift? Try this, try that. Try this fail, try this little success, but it's not really a gift. And they have to really, they go for it until they're 45, 50 years old and maybe, maybe they're going to find what they're really gifted at. And look at how it's handed to us on a silver platter. You're a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous who's found the solution if you've done the work you're properly armed with facts about yourself you can affect other people the way no one else can use that gift cultivate it use it to help other people God bless