Larry B. – Step 4 – Green Stuff in the Refrigerator – 2014

I'm Joe welcome to his neck six living the dream the topic of this workshop is step four and five now we please open with a moment of silence for the addict who still suffers followed by the wee version of the serenity prayer what makes it possible God grant us the serene with accepted things we cannot change courage to change things we can and the wisdom to know the difference clarity statement we are presented with a dilemma when any members identify themselves as addicts and alcoholics or talk about living clean and sober the clarity of the NA message is blurred to speak in this manner suggests that there are two diseases that one drug is somehow separate from the rest requiring special recognition narcotics anonymous makes no distinction between drugs our identification as addicts is all inclusive allowing us to concentrate on our similarities not our differences press statement our public relation policy is based on attraction rather than promotion we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press radio and films this is to protect membership and the reputation of narcotics anonymous we do not disclose last names or appear in the media as members of Narcotics Anonymous. No individual inside or outside the fellowship represents Narcotic Synonymous. If you are approached by members of the press, please contact Convention Information. They will be more than willing to assist you. Please keep in mind that your conduct is a reflection of N.A. If vous are unable to conduct yourselves in a responsible manner, you will be asked to leave. Shirts and shoes must be worn in all hallway and public areas at all times please keep in mind not everyone stays up late or all night some of us we need to have a we need to have peace and quiet in the hallways between the hours of 11 p.m. and 8 a.m please keep this noise level in the rooms to a minimum the committee has provided a hospitality suite for the convenience of group gatherings around the clock please note that is next six is a non-smoking convention where acid you respect convention policy there is no smoking at any convention function we ask that addicts smoke in their rooms or outside the hotel only I've asked someone to read who's an addict I'm Goldie and I'm an addict who is an addict most of us do not have to think twice about this question we know our whole life is thinking with drugs in one form or another the getting and using finding ways and means to get more we live to use and used to live very simply an addict is a man or a woman whose life is controlled by drugs we are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same jail institutions I'll ask someone to read how it works. Hi, family. I'm Addie Cornell. How it works? If you want what we have to offer and are willing to make the effort to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. These are the principles that made our recovery possible. One, we admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable. Two, we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Three, we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. Four, we met a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Five, we admitted to God, to ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Six, we were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Seven, we humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. Eight, we make a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others 10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it 11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him Praying only for the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps We try to carry this message to addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs. This sounds like a big order, and we can't do it all at once. We didn't become addicted in one day, so remember, easy does it. There's only one thing more than anything else that will defeat us in our recovery. This is an attitude of indifference or intolerance towards spiritual principles. Three of these that are indispensable are honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. With these, we are well on our way. We feel that our approach to the disease of addiction is completely realistic for the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel. We feelthat our way is practical for one addict can best understand and help another addict. We believe that the sooner we face our problems within our society in everyday living, just that much faster do we become acceptable, responsible, and productive members of that society. The only way to keep from returning to active addiction is not to take that first drug. If you are like us, you know that one is too many and a thousand is never enough. We put great emphasis on this, for we know that when we use drugs in any form or substitute one for another, we release our addiction all over again. Thinking of alcohol as different from other drugs has caused a great many addicts to relapse. Before coming to N.A., many of us viewed alcohol separately, but we cannot afford to be confused about this. Alcohol is a drug. We are people with the disease of addiction who must abstain from all drugs in order to recover. Thank you. Someone read the 12 traditions of N.A. Hello, family. I'm Agnes Mona. The 12 traditions of N-A. We keep what we have only with vigilance and just as freedom for the individual comes from the 12 step, so freedom for our group springs from our traditions. As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than those that will tear us apart, all will be well. Number one, our common welfare should come first. Personal recovery depends on NA unity. Number two, for our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority, a loving God as he may express himself in our group conscious. Our leaders are but trusted servants. They do not govern. Number three, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using. Number four, each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or NA as a whole. Number five, each group has but one primary purpose, to carry the message to the addict who still suffers. Number six, an NA group are never endorsed. Finance will lend the NA name to any related facilities or outside enterprise. Least problems of money, property, or prestige divert us from our primary purpose. Number seven, every NA group ought to be fully self-supporting declining outside contribution. Number eight, NACOC synonymous should remain forever non-professional but our service centers may employ special workers. Number nine, NA as such have never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. 10. Narcotics Anonymous has no opinions on outside issues, hence the NA name might never be drawn into public controversy. 11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need to always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films. 12. Unity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions. Ever reminding us to place? Understanding these traditions comes slowly over a period of time. We pick up information as we talk to members and visit various groups. It usually isn't until we get involved with service that someone points out their personal recovery depends on NA unity and that unity depends on how well we follow our traditions, The 12 traditions of NA are not negotiable. They have the guidelines to keep our fellowship alive and free. By following these guidelines and our dealings with others and society at large, we avoid many problems. That is not to say that our traditions eliminate all problems. We still have to face difficulties as they arise. Communication problems, difference of opinions, internal controversies, and troubles with individuals and groups outside the fellowship. However, when we apply these principles, we avoiding some of the pitfalls. Many of our problems are like those that our predecessors had to face. Their hard-won experience gave birth to the traditions, and our own experience has shown that these principles are just as valid today as they were when these traditions were formulated. Our traditions protect us from the internal and external forces that could destroy us. They are truly the ties that bind us together. It is only through understanding the applications that they work. Thank you very much. Thanks, Greg. I want to thank all the readers. at this time our speakers for the workshop step four and five are Larry and Mike and I took a group conscience and Larry decided to go first hello my brothers and sisters i'm an addict and my name is larry b and just for today i am happy joyous and free from all mind altering mood changing chemicals jails institutions and death and i'm here because of god's grace and his mercy I'm not confused about that and I'm nervous as a two-dollar hole on nickel night you know you know I need to say that I am NOT a convention speaker I'm just another addict just like every each and every one of you who has been called upon to give my experience strength and hope on the fourth and fifth step. And I got some of that today. First of all, I need to thank ISNAC6 for asking an addict like me to come up here and share my experience during the hope. You know, it is my experience that if you stick around here long enough, and if you do the things that I suggested for you to do, you too will be asked to come and stand behind this podium. You know, but whenever I get behind here I need to keep telling myself and my sponsor helped me with this and I love my sponsor that I have not arrived. You know just because I'm standing up here it's just my turn. The God of my understanding has seen fit for me to be able to do the best I can what a little bit I got. The fourth step, we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, not of you, of me. And a lot of us, or should I say I, was real scared of this step. You know, when I think of this steps, a song comes into mind. Well, I don't know if it's the name of the song, but some words in the song go, it's been a long time coming but a change gonna come you know that's what the fourth step has done for me I equate the four-step to my refrigerator and y'all may be saying well what the hell are you talking about you know my refrigerator got stuff in it y'al it's been there for long long time you know some of that stuff got green stuff growing on it yeah freeze a bird you know I mean and it's been there for a long long time you know and some of that stuff in their refrigerator is still good and that's what the four steps all about it's not all bad it's not all good you know as I went through my fourth step I found that you know I wasn't totally bad, you know, nor was I totally good. But I started learning about me, you know. In our basic text it talks about no matter how many days or how many years we have been clean, we are still human and subject to defects and failings. And inventory allows us to look at our basic nature with its flaws and its strengths. We look not only at our imperfections but also at our hopes, our dreams, our aspirations and where they may have gone astray man that's a powerful statement you know the step four is a big step toward forward on the path of recovery getting back to that refrigerator you know i got a little refrigerator and i have to bend down sometimes see stuff in there you know and this stuff packed up in the corner you know and one day I had to decide, you know, I had to come to grips with am I going to leave that stuff in there you know to continue to grow green stuff on top of green stuff you know or am I going to remove some of that stuff so I had to remove Some of That Stuff You Know I used to think that the fourth step was a tell all confession but it's really not It's just letting me know about me. You know, I began to find out who Larry really is. You know? I found this program later on in life. And I say to you, if you're young and you found Narcotics Anonymous, welcome. You know because you don't have to wait like I did to come here. we don't care what your background is and who your connections was and all that other stuff that we talk about all we want to know if you got a problem and how we can help and and and it talks about if you want what we got there's certain steps you got to take but check it out the fourth and the fifth step are two of those steps you gotta take You know, it also talks about, it is our experience that if you don't go through this, these two steps, there's a possibility you might go back out and get high. You know I like to think of it getting low, you know, I need to thank all my friends from my area for being here supporting me. I need thank my sponsor and tell them that I truly love you and you know I don't mean but they know that you're my sponsor. And my sponsor helps me a lot with my steps, and this step in particular, he has helped me so, so very much. As I stated, it was real scary for me working a four-step, writing it. I believe that we live the steps daily, but it's important that I put it down on a piece of paper and that I share it with God, myself, and another human being. I need to hear myself say that at a very early age, when my mother's twin sister would be sleeping, she slept so hard, that I would self-gratify myself on her leg. You know, sick stuff like that. You know? I need the look at that. I need a look at it. I also need to look at the good things. You know, I need to look at coming to this fellowship six years and a few days ago and knowing that without this fellowship, I'd probably be dead today. You know? I look at recovery as a journey. And some of us go fast in this journey. Some of us is running down this path. Some of Us are walking some of us are crawling But what is really Important is To stay on the path You know and even if you get knocked off The path Just come back keep coming back You know That is so profound Keep coming back And eventually You'll do all the things That I suggested that you do you know it's real simple either we either we grow or we go and that's the bottom line with narcotics anonymous you know i look around the rooms and i see people that have were here when i got here and they're still here i see People i don't see People that were here When i got here and ain't here no more you know but that's The way this program is you know um and it's not for everybody. You know, somewhere in our readings or I heard somebody said, you know, if it was, if everybody was here that needed to be here, we wouldn't be enough room, you know. But the fourth step is not a tell-all confession. It's not all bad and it's not all good. You now, I was really ashamed and afraid to be able to tell somebody, you know, some of the things that I've done you know but when I did do that it relieved me it was like a it was just like a burden taken off my shoulders it was like I've been carrying around this stuff for X amount of years scared to tell anybody thinking that I would take all this stuff to the grave with me and that you know long as nobody didn't know it would be alright and a lot of stuff In my fourth step, I had to reach back and remember because I blocked it out. I blocked out using drugs. I just blocked it. Sometimes I think I suffer from Alzheimer's. I haven't touched it yet, but I just block it out, you know? I just forget stuff. But when I began to write, when I begin to put it down on paper and I asked the God of my understanding to give me the strength and the courage to continue to write, it all came back, you know, a little bit at a time. And it's just so profound how relieved I feel standing here. You know, as I stated, I'm not a convention speaker. You know ain't nothing profound about my message. This is the second time I've done this. and uh you know anything that i'm asked to do for the fellowship to save my life it's no problem you know they called me and asked me would you be willing to do the fourth and the fifth step i was like damn me you know and the last time i was called i was called home to do relationships in recovery and boy was i you think i'm nervous as a two out of the hole now. Boy, oh boy. At any rate, I need to say those of you who are struggling with a four-step, it ain't about that. It ain't about a struggle. It's about doing it. You know, it's about writing it down and sharing it with God and another human being whom you trust. You know, I mean, you're going to give somebody all your stuff or at least all you can remember at least i did and i trust my sponsor you know i've heard of people talking to the bus driver and you know and and then the man next door and this and that you know but uh you know I got trust issues you know that's one of the things that I wrote about on my four-step and I trust my sponsored today and it's only through the process of keep coming back and of doing the things that are suggested for me to do. You know, the fourth step is very, very important. The first, the second, the third, the fifth, the sixth, the seventh, the eighth, the ninth, the tenth, the eleventh, and the twelfth are very, sehr important. But the fourth steps allow me to look at me. It talks about a fearless and moral inventory. You know, an inventory is when you got your stuff, like my refrigerator, okay? You got stuff in there. There's stuff. There's stuffed over here. There's stuffing on this shelf. Stuff down in the little thing where you put the lettuce and the tomatoes and stuff. Stuff, right? And I had to say, well, look, which part of this stuff do I want to keep and which do I Want to give away or get rid of, not give away? Because some of my stuff I can give to nobody. I have to throw it in the garbage. You know, and that's what I had To do. You know? I had Go in that refrigerator, and I had Open that door, and I Had to start throwing. I had a big old garbage bag, y'all. It was a big, big garbage bag. And I started throwing stuff over here that I didn't want and stuff that I wanted to keep, I had to put it over here. See? Stuff I didn' t want, stuff I wanted to keep. Stuff. Good stuff, bad stuff. See, and we get rid of the bad stuff. You know, this program is talking about change. You know if I always do what I always did, I always get what I always got. You know so, the bad stuff, I try not to deal with today. You know, I have not arrived, you know, I ain't well, nor am I cured. Somewhere I heard that the only thing cured in Arquitis Anonymous is a ham, you now, so I'm getting better. I'm getting much, much better. You now, I'm able to do through due to direct results of my fourth and fifth step I'm able to accept a lot more things that I never could before you know such as life on life's terms my vehicle right now sitting in front of my house and when I start nothing I can do about see the force they've helped me with that all I can do is when I go home do the footwork this was whole program is about the footwork it's about doing the footwork so that i can continue to stay in this process and stay clean one day at a time see the bottom line is what it's all about you know and and and once you're here for a while you realize that it gets more involved than just staying clean but if you're having a problem staying clean you can't do nothing else until you do that you know uh it just amazes me how we talk about things in this program such as the four step that if we don't do a four-step that you now we can get real real crazy you know it talks about consistent action on a four step is important we can't afford to delay work on our inventory once we begin writing and we need to continue our inventory until we are done well I didn't necessarily do that but as I say all flies don't bloom at the same time but I can honestly stand before you and say that I have completed a four-step I feel good about that I don't know if I'm looking forward to doing another one but I probably will you know I probably will because as you know that refrigerator you start building most stuff out when you start taking some of that bad stuff out and putting new stuff in then the new stuff starts to get into that green stuff on it and and and freeze a burn at all so you have to constantly take an inventory of that refrigerator I do and I have to remove what ain't no good and put something good up in there you know um i just feel like this program without this program i'd be dead now you know have you ever been traveling down the highway and you see the construction on the highway they got big signs on the hallway saying a temporary inconvenience for a permanent improvement what's he using for me that is what it was because if i had never been the dope fiend that I was I'd have never found this new way of living totally new way you know just for the day I got faith in someone who believes in me you know all my friends are people in recovery you know period I associate with people in recovery um I know other people outside of recovery you know I do other other things for my recovery but all my friends are people in recovery just all about change it just feels good to be able to give back what was so freely given to me you know if if in fact you are having a problem with a fourth step just do it you know no matter how long it takes you do it just do it you know uh and you will get some relief you know i have gotten some relief i've been going through some stuff you know my whole life is about stuff you know relationship stuff i probably don't want me going through that kind of stuff but uh but uh but the steps helped me get out of me and and and kind of put that other relationship stuff aside because when you diligently do something on your recovery such as step work you don't have time to think about relationship stuff or money stuff or property or prestige stuff because you're trying to get better at least that's what i'm trying to do i'm trying to give back like i said uh it's a journey for me you know and i have not arrived just because i'm standing here is just my turn stick around keep coming back and she was as sure as well you'll be standing here one day so you got a call upon you to come up and share your experience strength and hope all we have is our own experience strength and hope that's all we got ain't no big ones ain't the little ones you know they got a main a main speaker going on there and i'm like i said i'm glad for that you know it's probably lot of people over there because a lot of times you don't feel you have anything to give but in actuality you got a lot to give you got you i got me you know and and this time it just happens to be my time to come up and share my experience my strength and my hope ain't nothing to be scared about four step believe me i'm living proof of it when you do decide to do a fifth step I suggest you do it with a sponsor or somebody you trust I really don't suggest you sit on the bus and tell somebody that you know some of the stuff that goes on I don't know it's just I feel real good just for today and as most of my friends know Lately, I've been going through some stuff with the relationship thing. But just for today, it's okay. Just for today is okay. Somewhere I heard that yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today is a gift. That's why we call it the present. It's so profound. It truly is so profound, so profound So in closing, I just want to say that I love Narcotics Anonymous. It's an honor and a privilege to do anything for Narcotics Anonymous. It's a honor to be asked to be able to still be here, to be asked. And if I don't say this, my friends from Indianapolis probably won't forgive me, but through working a four-step, through trying to live this program one day at a time, I have come to believe and I have come to know without a shadow of a doubt that i am somebody because i'm a child of god and my god don't make no jump my name is larry thanks for listening can we give another hand for our speaker Our second speaker is an addict that I know. I met him. He's from Indianapolis. And without further ado, Mike. All right. Mike, Mike, come on up here. Let's get this thing good. Okay, let's get me up. Hi, everybody. My name is Mike. coming at it grateful to be here and I'm grateful to be clean you're not from Indianapolis there I'd like to welcome you to Indianapolis I see a lot of people here I know since people haven't seen in a while it's good to be I'd to thank the convention committee for asking me to share because I've never been asked to share like this before so this is kind of different for me and these podiums make me nuts man I don't like that I feel like I'm hiding behind them or something if anybody else feels that way it's good to see Larry I remember when I first moved to this area Larry was coming to the my home group quite regulars and then when he moved out we was missing him it's just good to see how I see my conventions now so that's cool fourth step I am really don't even remember too much about my first four step because I was I did it this is when you they were still doing the 30-day rehab thing and yeah you did one two three four five before they let you out the door and they told me I could burn it when I was done with it and I was in the mood you know so I burned I have no idea where it is what I do remember about my first four step is that I left some things out and when I when I talk about the fourth step now particularly when I share with my sponsees I suggest to them that when they do their fourth step and it's time to do their fifth that they don't have any secrets you know when I did my second four-step I addressed that there I have no secrets today you know because we are only as sick as our secrets you and it was causing me a lot of pain and a lot trouble in a lot areas you know and I didn't have to stand on the street corner or go to meetings and tell everybody all my business you know I knew people I talked to the first person in this room that I went to it's an issue that I'd never shared with anybody before you know and that's how I got relief you know um it's hard to talk about four without talking about five so I'm gonna try and stay on four and not get ahead of myself but for me a successful business in order to prosper has to take inventory they have to they have look at what they're doing right, what they've got in stock, what's working and what's not. If I want to be successful at the business of recovery, which I'd really like to be, I need to take an inventory. I need know what I'm doing right and what I am doing wrong. For me, I thought for a long time that I was this huge failure because I had done so many things and when I got here I didn't have a lot going for me. Not like I got it today. Thank God for Narcotics Anonymous, because life is good today. But when I got here, not too many things were funny. Turning my will and my life over to my addiction was a destructive force. And if I really look at it, I was wildly successful at addiction because I destroyed almost everything. You know what I mean? everything I touched went bad. I didn't like myself, I didn' t like anybody and it reflected. You could just look at me and tell that there was something wrong with that boy. When I first got here you could tell. Nobody had to tell you all you had to do was look at m e and you knew. So in reality I got the result for my actions out of active addiction because I was doing negative things and I got negative results. And And, you know, I came here. A lot of times when I hear people share about the four-step, I hear a lot of talking about the negative stuff, the stuff I did wrong. Because I was like Larry, you Know, I thought I was supposed to write all the stuff I did right. I did it wrong. You know, and it was shared with me. A four-stepper is an opportunity to take those things that are holding me down and get them out of the way. It's not a negative thing. I got to look at the negative things because if I don't, if I didn't acknowledge them, I might have to go to the fifth step anyway. If you look at the steps, there are three steps in there that specifically address making an admission. What's an admission? If you're looking at the dictionary, it's a voluntary acknowledgement, okay? In my first step, when I made a voluntary acknowledgment that I was an addict, I was able to get relief. Same thing in five. When I start making, you know, drugs brought me to N.A., But the fourth step allows me to see what brought me to drugs. And I need to address that or I'm going to go back. Okay, I'm Going Back. So that admission is real important. So the honesty in the fourth stop, I need not be in a big hurry about that. I need it. I need you to take my time and really address it. And some of the suggestions that I've gotten and that I passed on is that when I do my fourth step, I use a three-ring binder. I don't like the spirals because a lot of times when I'll be riding in one area and then I move on and I'm writing in another, I get reminded of something back in resentment. It's like when I was going through relationships, man, I kept having to go back to the resentment side. Oh shit, let's add this now. Okay, because you know, there are a lot of relationships, things that, you know I've got that built-in forgetter like Larry was talking about too. You know, so I had to go back and add them and by having a three ring binder I could just pop it open, pull the blank page out, write it in there, slap it in and I was on my way again because that caused me a lot grief. I don't know if anybody else had that problem but it caused me a lot of grief. It was a real practical suggestion and it worked real well for me. I just lost my train of thought. I'm real nervous, by the way. I don't know why. Usually I'm not nervous when I'm sharing. I am just nervous. I have been all day. So, I need not be in a hurry about this because I want some relief. You know, I want to be honest. I need to talk about my resentments. I discovered in my first step that I have a relationship with myself. And I wasn't real happy with the way I'd been treating myself, you know. I discovered that, you know, I didn't have a very high opinion of Mike. You know, and what they say, we're egomaniacs with no self-esteem. Well, it just fit me. You know? And I had to address that. The fourth step was really a turning point for me the second time around. I got a lot of things out of the way that had been holding me down. You know, I had sexuality issues. You know? Things I'd done in active addiction, you know, with men and women. God, they're taping this. And, you know, and I was confused. Why not? I was confused. You know. I thought that meant things about me. You understand? I understand today that those come from self-esteem. Low self-esteem. Those actions. Those behaviors. They're low self- esteem issues. You know? Iwas trying to get some acceptance and some love from outside myself and I know it doesn't work that way. I know I can get it like that, but I know to have some self-acceptance and be okay with myself, I really have to internalize it. You know, and I couldn't get with that until I actually shared with somebody else, made that admission that this is exactly what I'd done. I'd written it down. I couldnít bounce it around in my head. I have to write things down. You Know, I can rationalize and justify anything, but when I'm staring at it in black and white. It's like, okay, now what? I can't get away from it anymore. So I could really look and see what the exact nature was. And then by sharing it with someone else, somebody I trust, I can get some relief. You know, that's real important. Sponsorship to me is real, real important, but I take it real seriously. I don't keep a lot of sponsors because I don'T have time to do it. I mean, I try to establish a friendship with my sponsors these and I get to really know them. And I was not willing to sponsor somebody until I was willing to keep my mouth shut when somebody shared something with me, because that's important. You know, my sponsor does not run around talking about the things that I've told him in my pitch deck. I know, because there are some things that really haven't been shared in meetings and I've never heard them anywhere else. I've just never heard of them. So I I know that means for me, if I'm going to sponsor somebody, I need to have the integrity to be able to keep my mouth shut when they bring something to me. My job is to listen. Because just like I needed to make a mission, I know other people need to make an admission too. And I needed a safe place to go. I needed someplace I could go where I did not have to worry about what was going to happen with them. I could just get it out there. You know, I'm not responsible for what people share with me. all I was supposed to do is listen give him a hug love you keep coming back and that's what my sponsor did for me it would be alright and he might ask me some questions he sent me back I wasn't searching fearless enough the first time I had to go back and write a little bit more I left some things out and that is ok I wasn' t even aware of it I was going through relationships and he goes why didn't you write about that as a resentment oh ok so I went back and I cleaned it up, you know. And then I went back and I did another fifth with him. And that was okay. I didn't get real excited about that. The fourth step, you now, I discovered I had a lot of positive qualities. I was talking about the addiction thing, how, you known, I feel like I was successful in addiction because I'd been to jails, I'd be in institutions and I was on my way. I was going to die I was going to go back to a jail or institution for a long time. And I come in here with some positive qualities. You know, I'm incredibly persistent. If I want something, boy, I am the most patient, persistent, do anything I can do to get it that you know I will not give up. Okay? But I get in here, you know, and it's like I like to make excuses. Oh, that's new. I don't want to do that. Oh, hold on. Wait a minute. I don' t like new shit. Here's an example that was shared with me. Nobody has ever given me a million dollars in cash. Okay? But if somebody walked in that door right now and said, Mike, here's a million in cash, no strings attached, you better believe I'm not going to say, oh, that's new, I don't want it. Okay? So it's really a matter of willingness for me. You know, am I willing to change? I don' t have to do it overnight. I didn' t get here overnight. I don''t have to. I don´t have time to do that. It took me a long time to write my second fourth step, because there were a lot of things in there that I had not addressed, like the sexuality issue I hadn't addressed. I had to address relationships. I had really look at my relationships with significant others. The interesting thing that I discovered about that, and this is those sexual relationships, is once I put sex into the picture, everything changed. Everything changes for me. and I don't hear how to share about this but I know I've had a lot of people come to me on the side and go you know I just can't get this thought out of my head that she's cheating on me okay and you never heard anybody share that and I know why because I used to think I walked around for years well I wasn't sharing that shit in a meeting I wasn'T sharing that in a meaning okay because I knew it was sick I wasn'T going to share it you know and I had to address that I had to sit down and write about it And make an admission And then be able to honestly look at it And the thing that always comes with that is Fear still runs my life Talks about it and it works how and why The root of almost all my defects of character Are self-centered fear All of them So what's really going on? You get sex in the picture Ooh, suddenly I'm afraid I'm gonna lose it And I'm nuts and then I don't share about it so I'm only as sick as my secrets come back to that admission thing again admissions deep I've got a lot of new found respect for making an admission you know because until I'm aware of something I can't do anything about it the jealousy and the rage all that stuff so I would just hold on to it and keep it this was particularly like the first first five years I was clean. It was bad for me. It cost me two very long-term relationships. I've been in two relationships in recovery that were longer than three years, and it cost me both of them because I wouldn't make an admission. I'd walk around, keep it to myself, wouldn't tell nobody about it, wouldn'T share it in a meeting because it was too sick. you know and I look around now and say I'm aware of it now and I see it everywhere at least with the men I see a lot of men with that issue I talk to a lot of people about it you know they share with me but I never hear people talking about it in meetings you know and I had to address that and I know my the next relationship I get into you'll be hearing me talk about if I have a problem with it you will be hearing me share about it because there's nothing too sick for in here. The things I did out there were sick. And we all know the war stories. Everybody knows the kind of things we did to ourselves. So here I am, I've taken this inventory. I've looked at the issues that I've got and some of the things I was doing. I remember this one relationship in particular that I was in, and I used to do things like go through their trash looking for phone numbers. Yeah, okay? I'm in the house, man, and if every little thing doesn't add up, okay, I'm going to know where were you for 10 minutes? Like, you've got to do something in 10 minutes, okay? Where were you for ten minutes? You know, nuts. You know? Obsession, compassion, self-centeredness, and stuck there, you know? And no from the first step. All I've got do is make an admission, turn it over. It'll be all right. But no, not me. No, no, no. I've Got to keep it a secret. I can't tell nobody. I Can't Tell Nobody. See, because I know it's sick. You know my stomach is churning I can't sleep wakes me up I got to be right next to this person 24 hours even like going to work anymore nothing I gotta have my eye on this shit and it all comes from fear it's all fear and I know today it's all fear you know I suddenly that amnesia thing again Larry's talking about I forget that I got a God in my life today or a higher power if you're not comfortable with that word God because everybody clicks to it they got their own understanding and they're right there i forget that stuff i forget it it's all out the window next one will be different see there's people in his room know me you know so they become up you know hey mike you said next one would be different what you doing you know so you'd be hearing me means you'd hear me because i know that's how it works for me you know that'S the only way i can get free is to make that admission in the fifth step that it talks about you know just writing it down is not enough i got to put it out there and share it with another person for me is my sponsor because you know my sponsor's real honest with me that's another thing about sponsorship you know i i i don't want anybody sugarcoating anything for me so i don'T sugarcoat it for other people that doesn't mean i have to be brutally honest or you know real aggressive or you got to but it means i need to call it like i see it Because I don't want to be like the emperor with no clothes, you know. Walking around naked. Everybody said, oh, you look fine. You know, now some little kid come up to me and say, why aren't you wearing any clothes? You know. And the fourth step allows me to not do that to myself. And having a sponsor that's got integrity allows me not to do that myself. Because I feel safe. Sure. And this is how I feel. This is what I've done. You know? And I discovered that I did have skills. You know it wasn't all negative. The hit was, they talk about it every meeting you go to. Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. If I'm open-mindered and I'm willing, I can be successful in the business of recovery. You know, sometimes I'm not, and that's okay too. I've got to learn. You know what I mean? I didn't get here overnight. I'm going to get well overnight. I'm one of those slow learners. You know how I run into a brick wall and back up, put my hands on it and say, yep, brick wall, back up. And run into it again and say Yeah, it's a real brick wall. Okay, let's back up here one more time and see how it's going. When I see that stuff, I understand. I understand That's some other stuff I got from my fourth step. The fourth step, by doing an honest fourth step and my second fourth step was shorter than my first. My first one was pretty long, you know. I beat myself up. But the second one was short. You know, I had some really specific issues. You know it talks about we address the first things first. I had a lot of questions. I had to address some really specific issues I needed to address. I really did. And I got right to them and went right into 6 and 7 and dealt with it as best I could. You know? By turning it over. You know. Praying. but that admission I just that was such an eye opener for me I'd never noticed it before you know and I'd been around here for a while and I've never seen that before in the steps I never noticed I was there all those times and that's so important for me you know because I don't want to go back to where I came from and I know that I'm a student of recovery you know, I'm eligible I'm an eligible return just like anybody else is the liquor store just down around the corner I'm knowledgeable When I did my fifth step, I was real nervous. I remember being scared because I could always talk about... When I used my relationships, particularly my sexual relationships, I had a lot of problems in that area. I know a lot people do, but me in particular, I had lots of problems in that era. And like I would... I would go out and stand on the street corner and let people pick me up because I knew they had dope. Okay. And I thought that meant I was gay because I would have same sex, it didn't matter who you were. You opened the door, you had some dope, I was in. Okay. And I though that meant that I was Gay. You know? I really did. I was like, oh man, you got a real problem now. You're stuck. You know, and it's like... And I kept that a secret, you know? Sick is our secrets. And see, I can share it with women. Okay? I had no trouble talking about that with the woman. That was real non-threatening. But I had never, ever shared that with a man. You couldn't have drugged that out of me. You could have held me down and put hot coals on me. Whatever you wanted to do, you wouldn't have gotten nothing from me. It was going to my grave with me. Until I wrote it down, the exact nature of what I was doing, how it was going, and all that stuff. And then made an admission. And this is exactly what I did, and this is what was going on. I wasn't able to understand what I was doing to myself. I wasn' t able to. And it robbed me of some of the benefits of recovery. You know, talk about that business of recovery, well, I wasn''t making as much money as I could have been. You know what I'm saying? I could ha' been doing better. And I wasn ''t aware of it, and the inventory allowed me to become aware of that. And I had to have that trust, that sponsorship thing. That's such an important thing. I had to have, you know, and it was just real scary. I remember reading it. My voice was shaking, and I was talking real soft like this, and it just got out as quick as I could. It was like, whew, done with that. And it was like let's talk about this for a minute. Well, hey, we're done now, right? So, you Know, I got some understanding. I got som freedom, and the only reason I'm sharing that is because I used to listen to people on tapes talk about that. And it was like, well, man, if they can do it, I can do it. If they can do it. I can do it you know, and the shame and the guilt and all that stuff and Yeah, I was able to get free that's the bottom line I was able to make an acknowledgement and move into you know get some acceptance and surrender and just say okay this is the way it was, you know because my behavior in recovery has not been like that you know I had in my fourth step I shared what my bottom was and very few people know what the last day was like for me the day when I made a decision that this isn't working anymore you know because I was one of those functional addicts whatever that is that's what that's they tell me I was yeah I was a garbage head I don't know if I use that term anymore but I was more than I wasa functional garbage head it just doesn't even sound right does it and I got up one morning my whole delusion about addiction was that as long as you went to work in the morning, you weren't an addict you were just partying it didn't work and I get up one morning and I knew that if I walked two blocks down the street and let this guy use me, that he would give me some dope because I was out of everything and so I started going down the streets, I wasn't going to work that day and um i just couldn't do it you know i don't know what it was at that moment of clarity whatever and i just Couldn't Do It You Know I Was I Was Able To Do It If I Was Already Under The Influence But To Start Out That Way It Was Like That Was It For Me I Was Done I Was Dunn I Made That Phone Call And Here I Am And Um I'd Never Shared That I'd Shared It With Women I'd never shared it with another man you know because i was afraid of that rejection thing because I got low self-esteem. You know, and it talks about, you know, in the basic text that if we address our personal responsibilities, it will lift our self-esteem. And me taking a personal inventory is addressing my personal responsibilities. You know? Doing these steps is a personal responsibility for me. And it's helped me. I feel a lot better about myself. I'm at peace. I don't worry about what people think about me anymore I don' t care I shouldn' t say I don''t care but it does not guide my life you know it just doesn' t it doesn' d run my life anymore I just want to like go off just keep on going it' s like I' m trying to stay on the topic it' S getting hard you gave me way too much time to share it's hard to talk about 4 and 5 without talking about 6 and 7. You know, it really, really is because when I do 5, I have to like really identify character defects. You know in 4 I'm just writing about, I've got specific direction, just write about this stuff. Just write about the situation, what you did, how you felt, your thoughts, actions and feelings. So that was real simple for me but then in 5 I had to really get with what is a defective character? You know what is a defective character what's the exact nature you know stealing stealing is an action that reflects a defective character it's not a defect of character and it could be a lot of different things it could agree it could be maybe I just want to hurt somebody else you know it could be pride you know I feel less than I feel like if I have this and I steal it you you know and I got this thing now then then I'm not less than and I had to really get an understanding what a defective character was and for me the best example or definition that I've heard and I got it from another eye because in a defect of character is just a normal human emotion taken to one extreme or another and you know we're all or nothing kind of people at least I am you know that the example I like best is lust. You know, desire for sex is a normal human emotion. If you don't have that desire, you're probably 80, 90 years old, I'm thinking. And to rape someone is taking that normal desire and warping it. It's a defect of character. It becomes a defect character I discovered a lot of my judging where a lot of my judgment behavior came from in the fourth step you know because I'm a thief make no mistake I'm alive better today than I was but I'm a thief and you know how you could tell I was a thief because if I misplaced my wallet who stole my wallet who's told my wallet somebody got my why cannot believe somebody ripped me off you know and do i take the time take a deep breath and go okay where'd i leave it no no no i'm obsession compulsion i'm off the charts who stole my wallets you know if i pick up one end of the stick i pickup the other that comes through relationships too if i when i used my idea of relationship was a prostitute let's pick me up on the street corner or somebody else's wife so what do you think i thought the first five years i was in recovery i know they're cheating on me i know they are because i picked up one end of the stick if i was doing it i expect somebody to do it to me until i get with that i'm not going to get any relief you know and that goes back to that obsession with uh i know you're cheating i know you're doing this i know it's a i like that one if i pick up one in the stick i pick up the other and and i read that from a normal person i got that from a normal person is like oh I know where that fits that fits right in here it was deep for me and then I discovered that if I can spot it I probably got it so I might want to just take a deep breath and think about it for a minute before I go talking about it because if I see it and I got it too And I've discovered I got a lot It's like I know I'm not that observant It's recognition It's identification It's not you know I know I was doing it So I can see it in other people So I need not be judging them I need to go back To that sponsorship thing You know Give you hugs They keep coming back If you just don't pick up There's help for you Because that's the bottom line For me It's abstinence It's still abstinance Abstinence That's what this is about For me it's up in the fourth and fifth step i address it at a deeper level just to keep me from going back to it because if i don't i know for a fact if i do not address this stuff it will come back to me because i was one of those addicts that i thought i could do this by myself so i did my little 30 day i shouldn't say it like that i did mine 30 days in treatment you know they ran me through steps one through five which allowed me to stay clean by the way because i did get some things up off me in my first four step and um did i get a sponsor when i got out no i continue working the steps i try to work them on my own i told you for a long for a long time i tell you yeah i've done all 12 it don't work that way not for me anyway maybe maybe it's okay for you i can't talk about you but for me it didn't work and um i tried to do this alone you know meeting makers make it wasn't for meetings i wouldn't be here because i went to a lot of meetings but I wouldn't live in the symbol and those things caught up with me and you know it talks about when at the end of the road either with or without drugs I got to the end ofthe road I got there because I had not addressed the things that drove me to drugs you know I still had those sexuality issues I was trying to be in relationships and had no idea that all I had to do was write down what I was feeling and share it with someone and turn it over and do something different that i could get some relief so for seven years i walked around with this gut churning feeling wonder why things weren't quite right and on the social respectability level man things were good i was going to college you know all that stuff i'm doing all that right stuff working all time you know no no worries but inside i hadn't addressed those issues those things that i left out those secrets they got with me you know and i'm sure by the time i get back around to doing another four step because i'm going to continue to take inventory a business doesn't just take one say okay we're cool it's over they take inventory every year i'm probably not going to do it that much matter of fact i'm quite sure of it but uh it's going to be a regular thing. It's going to be a regular thing for me, because I'll find new stuff. I found new stuff this time. I'll finding new stuff next time. Because as I go through the other steps and become aware, pretty soon it's like, oh, this is a problem, you know? I'll be able to write it down, make an admission, eventually get some acceptance, and get free. Turn it over to my higher power. That's probably been the biggest struggle for me is remembering that I've got of God in my life. When things get going good, things are so good for me, it's like I just forget. You know, I start taking things for granted. I need not do that. I've got that built-in, man, that built in forgetter. When things are bad for me it's real easy. It's the little things that get me around here. The big ones, something big come rolling down the road, I'll get out of the way. It's when I stub my toes is when it gets me. And when things are going good that's when I really need to be paying attention to what I'm doing. i really need to be paying attention because i forget and i start thinking okay mike's running the show and i started thinking with little mikey then i really get in trouble you know what i'm saying yeah i get in big trouble then i got a problem and um oh boy Yeah, when things are going good is when it's the hardest for me. It's when it is the hardest because I just forget. You know, service is real important to me. You know? And that's a sponsorship thing. That's a form of service. You know my sponsees help me a lot. When they... I recently did a fifth step with one of my sponcees. and I learned a lot of things about doing fifth steps. He probably helped me more than it helped him. I'm quite sure of it. That's where I really got in touch with that integrity thing. I need to keep my mouth shut. Man, I need it. If somebody shares something with me I need the same thing. I need you to keep it. It's not hurting me. That's an ego thing for me. When I run around and I want to talk about somebody or do some character assassination I'm either doing character assassination, or I'm trying to puff myself up. You know, I puff up like a little toad in a minute. You know? I'm tying to puff my self up. You know it's like, see what I know, pss pss, I can't be doing that. It's not conducive to the atmosphere of recovery. It just doesn't work. You know and I know those things by doing a fourth and fifth step. You know otherwise I'd be walking around here ignorant. and so I did this I did his fist up with the sponsee and I discovered how hard it is to listen after about two hours it gets real hard to listen and pay attention you know and I was like having to stop him every 20 minutes say okay let's stop for a minute I need to take a break because I really want to hear what you're sharing with me I really wanna hear this because I don't want to overlook something because my sponsor took the time to listen to me. You know, he took the time. And so I and I don' t know I almost got the impression that I offended him because he's like you know, he's just trying to read it off and it's like that's not what we're doing here we're not just reading this off you know we're trying to look at what's really going on you know because that's what my sponsor did with me. He sat down he was stopping and go wait a minute so say that again so what do you think about that? What defect do you think that is? Because I need that information for the sixth step. If I just sit down with someone and listen to them read their fifth step and say, okay, go read six and have a nice day, they're not going to have the information they need. My sponsor didn't do that to me. He helped me identify some defects of character, and he really didn't, you know, he helped me identify them. You know, it was my step, and that's what I tried to do too. you know, because if I'm not ready to hear it I'm never going to hear and I think I'm done hey, I made it thanks for letting me share thank you Madigan, Joe, can we thank both our speakers? This time we'll close in a group circle and serenity prayer.