Joyce P. Opened the Big Book Expecting Drinking Instructions and Found a Higher Power Instead – Joyce P.

Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight, and listening later on naboclub.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker. And we believe it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, yes, I'm one of them too, I must have this thing. Tonight, Joyce P. is visiting from Blue Ridge, Georgia. She's got a history at Biscayne. You can see that in the room tonight. And it's my pleasure to welcome her to the podium, Joyce P. My name is Joyce, I'm an alcoholic. Hey, everybody. Thank you, Tim. It's always an honor for me to get to share my experience, strength, and hope with people about what this program, what actually what the God of my understanding has done for this alcoholic's life through this program. I've got two things that I read when I share. The first one gets me centered about what I'm doing up here. And the second one, I'll read it. And, in case you didn't get anything out of this, that will tell you what this program means to me. Lord, make me a channel of thy peace, that where there is hatred, I may bring love. That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness. That where there is discord, I may bring harmony. That where there is doubt... I may bring... I meant... Hello. Discord, I may bring harmony. I need glasses. That where there is error, I may bring truth. That where there is doubt, I may bring faith. That where there is despair, I may bring hope. That where there are shadows, I may bring light. That where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted. To understand than to be understood. To love... than to be loved for it is by self-forgiving that one finds it is by forgiving that one is forgiven it is by dying that one awakens to eternal life and that's in the 12 and 12 somewhere so there you go um my sponsor actually pointed that prayer out to me a long time ago when i'd get mad at people i don't know if y'all ever do that but i used to have a tendency to really get mad a lot and she said why don't you just read that 11th step prayer what's 11th step prayer well chances are it's in the 11th step don't you think i never did like that woman um it helps you know you can't go out into your day with one little piece of the prayer of saint francis and god didn't be a jerk you know you just can't do it um last week i celebrated my birthday at this game and um um I grew up in this game room and this room but i actually this was kind of like go visit relatives to come over to nabba you know but i grew up at this game and it's always an honor for me to come down here and the other night there was a young man at our birthday meeting his name was cedric i'm almost afraid to say it somebody get up in here um but you know what cedric cedric was not doing too well that night but cedric was not doing too well that night but i grew up in this game room but he's a real good example that while we're here you know if you get too good to sit next to somebody that's drunk you're in the wrong place this is alcoholic synonymous you know where else a drunk gonna go this is it there ain't no other houses it's the creek you know that's all we got so i grew up in atlanta and my daddy ran the motor pool at fort mac my mother worked for the air surf company when we did the music show and i grew up in atlanta and my mother worked for We got old enough to be left alone. Or they thought we could be left alone. My sisters probably could have been left alone. They were okay. I was looking for something to get into. Attention was attention when I was growing up. If it was negative attention or positive attention, it didn't matter to me. I needed attention. I was adopted when I was 18 months old and not until I was 35, July, did I meet that lady to find out what happened there. And I had a happy kid. I was a happy kid. I had a happy childhood. I was a tomboy. Played in the dirt. Ate so far off of matches. Rode around on my bike. They're real good. If you've never done it, it's really good. And I think somebody in here is going to go home and go, I wonder what the hell it tastes like. None of us got here from getting too many sweaters in the wind circle. That's what Mary Mac used to tell me. So if somebody goes and does it, that's on you. That's your, you know, that's your business. But I played a lot. I rode my bike. I rode my little John Deere tractor. Robbed a mailman. Always had my little dancing doll with me. It's a little blonde dancing doll. Kind of looked like Annie B. I think that's why I had dinner with her tonight. I had dinner with the cute clown. You know, I was just happy. I was really, really happy. When I turned about 13, I guess, started getting opinions of my own. My mother was going through menopause. I think that's the only thing I know to relate it to, and it helps me forgive. But our house turned into a real violent place to live. A real violent place. I really used to think, she can't kill me. And then I would think, maybe she can. You know, seriously, maybe she could. I will say this to you. If you're a parent and you're beating your children, stop. If you're screaming at them and you think they hear you better, the louder you get. They didn't get more. They're deaf. You just sound more stupid. So, I can tell you how to raise them because I don't have any. I won't try to tell you how to raise your kid, but if you're the one beating up on one in the mall, I will be the one to jack your ass up against the wall. That'd be me. Because I don't know what it's like to raise one, but I know what it's like to be the one with that fear in your eyes. You know, what's going to happen next? And am I going to die? I remember yelling for my little sister to call. I called the police, and she was just crying. She couldn't call the police. You know, it was her mother. I flipped over and I kicked that woman across the room. And I ran like, hell, I got out of there. Because, you know, she'll come after me, and I will die. So, I run away. You know, so we were talking outside, a couple of us, about things that happened with kids telling their parents today they're going to call the police. We didn't call the police. You just ran away from home. Because there were no police to come and protect you. It was... Why are you about... Why do you run away from home? You know, not what are you running away from was never asked to me, ever. Why... What are you running from? I mean, I ran to church groups. You know? I ran to my next door neighbor's house. She was a safe place for me to go to. And she was the first one that showed me a little magnet on her refrigerator that said, To thine own self be true. I didn't know that in years to come, I was going to die. I didn't know that in years to come, June 7th of every year, I would receive a medallion that reminds me, To thine own self be true. And today I am. Today I am true to me. I don't really... I won't say that I don't care what other people think, but it's really not my business. I heard it described one time as far as minding my own business about dropping a hula hoop over me. If it's inside of there, it's my business. If it's outside of it, it's somebody else's. I will not be inviting you into mine unless I want to and unless I trust you there. And I won't be jumping into yours. You know? It's a whole lot easier for me to mind my own business than it is to be worrying about why you do what you do. Because people are crazy. So I don't try to figure nobody out. I thank God I'm not certain people. But that's about it. You know? It taught me to pray for people. And my sponsor taught me to pray for people. Before I got here, I was a scared kid. You know, at 16 I had my first beer at my next door neighbor's house. And then I got kicked out of Headland High School, which doesn't even exist anymore. And I was sent to College Park High School. And they told me that... Because I had taken these two pills and I passed out. I'd never taken pills before. Anyway, they called me a drug addict and they sent me to College Park because they said they didn't have any drugs. And okay. I didn't care because I didn't take drugs. I just did not do well that time. I never did this well. Let me say that. I never drank right. I never drank like normal... like anybody that's not us. I never drank like they did. I never drank because I liked it. I did not like it. That first beer that I tried, I didn't like it at all. But when they sent me to College Park High School, there was a girl there that said there was a bar we could get in in Atlanta. Okay. I'm 16. I've never been out of East Point. Yay. Let's go. Lord, look who's here. Hey, girl. So we leave. And we go across town. Go into Atlanta. I'm already having a blast, you know. We've dunked back some Little Millers and smoked a few. And we're rocking all of 16. Anyway. And it's 6 o'clock at night because we had to tell our folks we had someplace to go, you know. So we go rocking on. And we went to the Sweet Gum Head on Cheshire Bridge. Listen to all them folks. Y'all been there? Okay. People going, hmm, hmm. And before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, Sweet Gum Head was the first place I ever felt like I fit. You know. I fit. And at first when I was drinking, I could stop at 10 o'clock, get home, by midnight, be all right. That didn't last very long. I totaled my first car, which was a Candy Apple red 67 Mustang convertible. I know. I'd give... It hurts me. It hurts me. I wrapped it around the bridge in front of Grady Hospital. And I called my little sister and told her, you know, I had broke my ribs and my legs and all that shit. You know, I had sprained my ankle was all that happened to me. But, you know, I thought I was dead. But I started a succession of wrecking cars. And my daddy, who loved me very much, and built cars, would just get me another car. I'm not talking about, let's go down to, you know, the lot and get you a brand new shiny something. He just made sure I had something to drive. And as much as I loved him and as much as I loved cars, and as much as I loved to drive drunk, I wasn't real good at it. And I'd wreck them. Every time. My first AA meeting, I was 18 years old. I went to see a lady. I had gotten locked up in juvenile when I was a kid for being unmanageable. And, um, oh, and Grand Theft Auto. I forgot about that part. That's my mother's car. And, uh, anyway, I just spent that time in juvenile. And this lady and I had to stay good friends. So I went to see her. She said, George, you're a good friend. And I said, well, you know, I'm a good friend. And she said, George, you're a good friend. And I said, well, she said, George, you're an alcoholic. Uh-uh. Men are alcoholics. You know, here she was in this professional position and did not even understand that, you know, women aren't alcoholics. Bless her heart. She said, you are an alcoholic. She said, I want you to go over to Fulton County Detox and just talk to them and see what they say. Okay. So I went over there and rode around the building a few times. I don't know if anybody's seen me going in there. You know. And so finally I went in. And this lady named Betty that used to go to this gang, she was there. She said, are you here for alcoholism? Well, what in the hell else would I be in this place for? I mean, this was grungy. This place was not nice. And I said, well, I guess. And she said, let me sit around the corner. So I go around the corner and there's an alcoholic sitting in the hallway. This man, he's just babbling off all this stuff, asking me my name, telling me his name. Now I'm good. I know because I'm sitting here in a security guard uniform. I'm all stars and irons and cute. And this man smells. He's got on the plaid shirt and the striped pants, you know, the uniform of the alcoholic. So I'm good. And then this counselor comes around the corner. And she looked like Sally Struthers used to look. And I decided maybe I was an alcoholic. Because she paid a whole lot of attention to me. And so they put me in there for 30 days. And they sent me this little lady like this to give me some kind of shot in the morning. And the lady must have been 105, you know. And here she comes. And I was like, oh, hell no. And I stood up in the bed. I wasn't going to let her do it. Let me tell you, they sent this black woman in there who must weigh about 350 pounds. She flipped me over and jammed that thing in my ass. I was like, uh-uh. Send me a little shaggy lady. I don't like that. No, no, no, no, no. I don't know what was in that thing, but I kind of chilled I was okay. I was okay. But I spent those 30 days trying to get my roommate to bring me a joint. You know, I'm all cool with the alcohol and all that stuff, but, you know, I ain't not smoking pot. Let me tell y'all something. If you're still smoking pot, you ain't sober. Okay? It means sound mind. I did not have a sound mind smoking pot. There's only one reason we are in Kroger at 3 o'clock in the morning getting chocolate covered graham crackers and Lay's potato chips. Okay? One reason. Well, for me, there was only one reason. I was always paranoid as hell. Somebody knew I was high just because that's what I was buying. There's a sound mind driving down the road thinking tractor trailer trucks and truck drivers are talking to each other and they're gonna squish my little pinto right in between them. There's a sound mind. That stuff made me paranoid as hell. I don't know why I did that stuff. I don't know. I have no idea other than it changed how I was feeling. You know, it didn't necessarily make it better, but it changed it. Which is what alcohol did for me. It changed how I felt. I didn't have to hear my mother telling me how useless and worthless I was, how ashamed of me she was, how much she hated me, how much she wished they'd never adopted me. Why couldn't I be like my sister? Hello? No? Um, why I do this and why I do that and on and on and on and on. I couldn't hear her anymore. I could change how I felt. A few beers? I can talk to you about anything you want to talk about and know I look damn good at it. You know, because I got better looking. You might not have, but I did. I got better looking and I knew it. I was one red hot lover and I was not picky. I tell you, you, your wife, your husband, I don't care. Both of you, let's go. I did not care. I woke up in some strange places because when I got drunk, when I got drunk, I got naked and somebody was going to love me. And if you looked at me more than just for a second, it was probably going to be you. We are charming people until, you know, we're like, you know. I tried to quit drinking on October 21st, 1980. I tried to quit drinking. And then I found some outside issues to take and I thought I had found my answer with those, you know, five dollars for Quaalude. I was drunk. That was cool and that was really good. And then I could do a little coke and it did the same thing with that thing that it did with the beer. I could do it all night. Anything all night. I was good. I thought I found my answer. That was not the answer. That was, drugs are never my thing. If you put them in your story because it is your story, fine. But I respect the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and I'd ask you to do the same when you share your story. Maggie Harrison used to tell me if you go to an N.A. meeting, if you're one of those that introduces yourself as an alcoholic and an addict, you know, as an alcoholic and an addict. If you're in an N.A. meeting, introduce yourself as an addict and an alcoholic and otherwise as an alcoholic and an addict to honor the meeting that you're in. I did that for a long time just because I kind of wanted to be, you know, something different. I'm an alcoholic. I'm addicted to anything. You know, give me something good. I want a whole lot of it. And, you know, and more. More-ism runs real rampant with me. It still does. After a whole lot of sobriety. I still want more. If somebody had a whole... You know, I saw this thing and I thought that would be so me. I saw this on, I don't know, one of those camera shows that, you know, they follow people around and videotape them doing stupid stuff. And they had the bar thing to a caddy, like a golf club caddy. All it was was the handle. And they put them in this big basket and it said, free. People are looking at these things. Some of them you know, they're putting them in their basket. They don't even know what the hell it is. All they know is it's free. And some are looking like three or four, you know, because they want to send one to their cousin and have one for their kids. That would be me. I got no use for it. I don't even know what the hell it is. But it's free and if you got two I want four. Because I might break mine. Or want to be generous and give mine, you know, to somebody else. So, more-ism is kind of hard to get rid of. But I'm going to use this podium to tell my story. It is such an honor for me to do it. And people say, well, how don't you get tired of telling this? No, it is never the same. You know, I hit my knees in that bathroom before this meeting and I asked God to allow me to be a channel for Him. I don't get up here with notes about my life. When I watch people do that, I'm like, whose life are you talking about that you need notes about it? You know, I don't have any notes. Unless I stumble on it and forget what I'm saying, it's not mine. It's coming from the God of my understanding, not from me because somebody needs to hear it. And it might be me that needs to hear it. The only reason I even mention Sweet Gum Head is because somebody in here may need to know that it's okay if you're gay. First of all, you ain't going to hell and you don't need to be drinking anymore to cover it up. It ain't going to change it. And I stayed drunk over it for years. I stayed drunk over my grandfather molesting because I didn't want to face it. And I didn't want to face the fact that my daddy didn't do anything about it. And I'm a daddy's girl. Why the hell didn't you do something? You know, my grandfather stole my childhood. I trusted him. I had a wonderful time with him. He taught me how to fish. Got new fishing buddies. Richard. Richard walked in and reminded me that the last time we went fishing we caught 125 Spanish mackerel. 42 of those were mine. But we got a hundred so we did. We caught them and we had a great time. One of the things that and I think about this every time I share my story when I watched people in this program I had wonderful teachers when I got sober. I didn't know that I could do this and I didn't really understand why I was here. I just knew I didn't want to feel like I didn't feel anymore. I picked up that first white chip when I was 18. I had a group called the DTs group that stood for Dykes Together. I thought we were in hell. We're in a church. We're talking about being drunk and gay. This whole freaking thing is going to come down on top of us. You know? They gave me a big book a 12 and 12 a 24 hour book and I hauled ass. I got out of there went home opened that big book somewhere in there is going to teach me how to get drunk and not get naked. You know? How to be a social drinker. I never did that. I'd get drunk come home and go to hell. Yes. So then I called a radio station and asked them to play me sad songs because I was going to hell. It was sad. But the teachers that I had and let me say this too. I picked up that white chip at 18. This disease damn near killed me by the time I turned 24 and got sober. June 7, 1981 was the date of my last drink. You do not have to pick up another white chip that can be your one and only white chip. My sponsor has one white chip. December 18, she'll celebrate 40 years in this program. You know? You don't have to keep trying it. And I will tell you this. When you hear people only say to you just don't drink and go to meetings you better be praying. Because just not drinking and going to meetings ain't going to keep you sober. Page 45 in that big book is designed to help you find a higher power. It ain't about helping you learn how to not drink. So, let's be getting some understanding of some kind of God. If it's nothing but the laughter in these rooms which kept me coming back for a long time. You know, I could picture people standing around me that I'd seen in these rooms when I went to do different things and situations as practicing the presence of God. But those teachers that I was talking about, they, the first year I got sober, I don't know if I just wasn't paying attention. Anyway, I didn't go. But the next year, they all went on a Panama City trip every year. Maggie Harrison's daughter owned the Impala Motel in Panama City. And there was about 40 of us that would go every year. The very first trip Richard was there and he was celebrating five years of recovery. And they had all gone in and bought him this beautiful watch and the face was a blue chip. I was still touched by that. He was too but I mean I was just like blown away that people did that for each other. That people cared enough about this man's sobriety that they bought him this beautiful gift to celebrate it. If you're waiting on your year or your five years or your ten years, you don't get that watch that Richard got. Okay, that was a gift from his friends. You don't get a car. You don't graduate. If the judge sent you, it's up to you to bring your ass back. When the judge says you don't have to do that tomorrow, get on back here. I'm not real big on judges sending people to Alcoholics Anonymous but I do know that it saved my life. I'm not going to be the one they want to let see sleeping through the meeting or texting everybody because I ain't signing it. It would be a good idea to come to the meeting if you want me to sign it. And texting people, you know, I had people at one of the meetings I go to, old timers, complaining about people texting. Did you turn your phone off? Well, no, because my child may call and blah, blah, blah. Okay, you know what? I am the one that you will hear going, oh my God, when all of y'all want to scream out, we think not. That is not, that's out, that's like treatment center crap. That's not AA. Whoever's reading the promises can read them all by themselves. You know, and if you're going to do that part, you might as well do the, well, what's the point? You might as well do that one. And then make sure you sing that song after the Lord's Prayer. The Lord's Prayer I grew up with does not end with singing after the Lord's Prayer. And what y'all say here may not be what they say down the street or whatever treatment center started it. You know, it's different. So you don't hear me do that. I am one that will tell you gentlemen to knock those hats off when we say the Lord's Prayer. You know, learning to live a sober life means a profound personality change. You won't be the same thing you were when you got here. You might as well go on back out there and have a fish y'all. Cause I mean people in here talking about God changes and being honest and loving each other and practicing the presence of God forgiveness having hope faith when all you want to do is talk about how mad you are. That's all I want to talk about when I got here. They ask for a topic. I'm pissed. I don't want to be an alcoholic. Well, we love you baby keep coming back. Y'all are crazy. I came back. I came back. Cause whatever was going on in these rooms I wanted it to be in my life. I didn't have a clue how to get it. I went on that Panama City trip I was talking about. I went on that trip for 27 years. Every year. The only time I missed it was right after I got married. And then once when there was a hurricane Mary Mac told me not to come so I didn't. I did learn to follow directions in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know. I have had in my sobriety probably the most happy times any human being could ever hope to have. My wedding day was my happiest. Mainly cause I well not mainly but partly because I got to run off to Mt. Moriah Baptist Church because they thought they were going to have a little barbecue instead of my marriage wrong. Y'all are fixing to get real surprised. Y'all are going to back it up. And they had to back up and we had security and all that stuff cause this was you know not your average wedding going on but it was beautiful and it was half Hoedowns half Biscayne. It was pretty cool. Pretty cool. Happiest day of my life. I thought the hardest time in my life was when my daddy died. I loved my daddy dearly. Loved him dearly. But after I got married I didn't get to see my daddy except at funerals cause the whole family just you know all that didn't go over so well. So for about 10 years I didn't see him that's all. So I got married and I got married and I got married and I got married and I got married and I got married and that's how long I was married. I did go to I was with him before he died. And he made his amends to me and I made mine to him and my mother. When my parents died there was nothing left to say. You know I didn't walk away going nah I really am a bad kid you know I'm not. You know I was never gonna be the child they wanted but they were never gonna be the parents I wanted. You know whatever that was. None of us none of us were gonna fit. You know that was tough for me. It was real tough for me. But I didn't get drunk. I didn't get drunk on my wedding day. Two years ago it'll be two years ago October 22nd at about 10.31 p.m. was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. When my friendship Houston died and he died and I died and he died and I died about a month and a half before his 25th anniversary in this program and remembering good standing. He died of Burkitt's lymphoma and of all the people I buried in my sobriety the hardest one for me was Chip Houston. I was standing beside him for 22 hours before he died waiting for him to make that decision. We fought when he couldn't even speak. He wants to argue with me on this bed. I'm like seriously you want to fight I have my foot two inches from your oxygen and you want to argue with me. He finally made that decision to turn those things off and that's how this program works. That night before when I got that call and I took off from Blue Ridge to Grady to be with him I let his friends in Fort Lauderdale know what was going on because he had family there too. I wasn't at that hospital but a few hours when that guy came up to me and said you know we figured even if we couldn't get here in time to be with Chip or say goodbye to Chip we could be here for you. That folks is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. People give a damn about you. Thank God that's not the consequences of. But I do believe what we put out there good we get back. It's not real hard to be nice to people to honor people even when you don't think that you ought to. Trust me there's a lot of people in this program I don't like. I don't like it at all. But I don't like it I don't like all the bad things happening in this country. Well I do want to can say that I don't like the things Fish came in one time and not in a whisper. I've never did like that lady. So I've decided that, you know, this Redneck guy, I don't know who the hell this man is, but I don't want nothing to do with him. And I'm going to make sure that none of my friends have anything to do with him. Because he's just a stupid ignorant Redneck. I've got no use for him. I'm sitting in a meeting one night, leading a discussion. And Fred starts talking about his heroes in the program. He said, you know, I watch what people do. I watch what they do behind the scenes and what they don't do in front of people. But what they quietly do behind, not for accolades. He said, those are my heroes. He said, and that little lady right there is one of my heroes. I felt about that deep. He was talking to me. So after the meeting, I told him, I said, I'm not even going to tell you what I've said. But I owe you amends. Amends means to make it right. I needed to make that right. I learned a lot from Fred. He owned a roofing company. And if you worked on your roof, he always did something that you didn't know about or you didn't expect him to do. Just did extra. I owned a painting business. And every job we did, I'd tell my crew, let's look for the Fred Cameron. So every paint job I did after that, we found a Fred Cameron. And we'd do that little extra something for Fred. That's this program. I had basic principles put into me when I was a kid through the church. Fear of God meant fear of God when I was a kid. I got here, people were talking about turning your life over to God. I ain't turning my life over to God. God don't like me. God's the one that cuts my car off when I'm a sweet gunhead. You know? Can't get home. Got raped in that parking lot. That's God. Did not help me. You know? That was not God of mine standing today. But that's what I got here with. So when people started talking about turning their life over, I wasn't ready for that. You know? And thank God I didn't have a sponsor like some of these Nazis that get in here with call me every day. Don't nobody call me every day. I don't hear from nobody every day. Call me every day because I don't have a life and I don't even know what you're doing in yours. That's what that sounds like to me. Here's what step you are on. The big book. Nor the 12 and 12 says your sponsor will guide you as to what step you're on. Wrong. It doesn't say it. You work the steps at your pace. It's your sobriety. It's your recovery. Take part in it. My spouse had never sat down and read me a step or read to me out of the big book. I'd still be teasing her about it today if she did. I never sat down and read it to her. It was up to me. If I have a question, I call her. If my spouse... If my spouse has a question, call me. Don't expect me to sit down and read it to you unless you can't read. Then I'll read it to you. I keep a set of the big book on CD just for that purpose for people who can't read. Listen to it. There's a lot in here. But I'm not going to tell somebody how to run their life. That's not what I learned in this program. That's not what I was taught. I was taught by watching people. How they live their lives. How they treated other people. You know. I asked Mary Mack one time, Why are you friends with Megan Harrison? I can't stand that woman. She's mean as hell. She said, You're scared of her. I said, I ain't scared of her. She said, Well, then just go tell her that you're scared of her. Well, then I was scared. I was like, I ain't telling a woman I'm scared of her. She said, Go tell her. We went back in the little recovery room we used to have at Biscayne. And I said, Mary Mack told me. To tell you that I'm scared of you. She said, You're not scared of me, Joyce. You're scared of what I have. Because you just don't have it yet. I've heard people say, You scared me, Joyce. When I first met you, you scared me. And my ex told me. She said, You know, Joyce, I don't think it's. Because it bothers me. We're sensitive people. Believe it or not, I'm sensitive. Turn that damn phone off. And I know you got a little kid sick at home or something, right? And. And I love you, too, baby. I love you, too. Where are you? You said you were coming home. Oh, I love being sober today. I forgot what I was telling y'all about Maggie. Anyway, then she looks at me and she said, Besides, if I killed you, I couldn't eat you. I don't know what that meant, but I got the hell out of that room. I just pretty much decided it meant she had no use for me whatsoever. I was not a bleep on the radar of her life. Period. Period. But I learned a lot from that lady. I learned a whole lot from her. She walked in. I had 30 days in this program. She walked into this game room. Mary Mac's working her ass off getting everything ready for the Fourth of July cookout. I'm just sitting there waiting to be served. Maggie walked in the room. Get up and help Mary Mac set that table. I was halfway to the kitchen before I realized I'd stood up. And I turned around and I thought, Who the hell's here to see you? Mary Mac just kind of motioned, you know, like, Come on, oil. Water. It's over there. So I'm in there helping Mary Mac. I'm so proud. We've got that room looking so good. And people are coming in. They're going, Oh, it looks so nice. And then Mary Mac said, Now, the secret is you can't tell anybody that you had anything to do with this. But you know what? I didn't. I didn't tell anybody. You used to have to get to meetings 30 minutes early to make the coffee because it was in a pot about that tall. And it took about an hour to make it. You know, and just dare somebody. Just say, Who made that coffee? It's too strong. It's not strong enough. I made it. You know, they gave me the keys to a church when I got sober. What the hell? The keys to a church. And everybody put their money in a basket and handed it to me. What is going on? You know, we learn. Man, we learn. I was so freaked out by that. I mean, I was like ready to hire an armed guard to take me home. Because I had $23 worth of other people's money. But I was trusted with it. I was trusted to take care of it. You know, I never heard anything I told my sponsor come out of anybody else's mouth. Unless I told them. That's sponsorship. Keeping people's confidences. Not sharing what other people shared with you. Not trying to tell people what to do when you don't have the experience. I was taught that. You know, if Judy didn't have the experience, she would tell me. I don't know. I don't know if she told us. But I know somebody who might be able to help you with this. Mary Mack taught me about getting out of people's way. She said, you need somebody to talk to that you can tell everything to. And I'm not it. I started asking around. And I got Judy Pierce. She'd been my sponsor for 29 years. Never heard anything come out of her mouth. She taught me how to be a good sponsor. My sponsories will never hear anything they say. Mostly because I don't have to pay attention. I mean, it's not. First of all, it's not for us to even have that information as your sponsor. So it does kind of go in one ear and out the other. It's just to get it off of us. If you got that one thing that you swear nobody's ever going to know, come up to Blue Ridge, sit down on my porch, I'll pour you a cup of coffee. You can leave it right there. And leave with your shoulders a little bit further back. Because they're not so heavy anymore. We will love you too. You can love yourself. I mean, any of those chips are smooth on the inside. They're rough on the outside. That's the way it is in here. Be kind. You know, it was hard for me to open up and talk to people when I first got sober. June 7th, I celebrated 31 years. I am blown freaking away. First of all, that I lived to be 55 years old. I did not truly did not expect to be 25. So, I didn't want to be. Today, I want to be 56. I want to see what else is coming. I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I have a real passion for this program. I don't quote much out of the big book. Because I don't like to hear other people do it. And I sure won't be sitting in a meeting going, Oh, I think I know where that is. I'll read it to you. Go home and read it. I ain't going to read to you out of the big book unless I'm up here. Um. My meditations, I read every morning. I do the same thing today that I did when I got sober. I got up early. So, I had time to have my coffee, have my shower, read my meditations. When I first got sober, I watched the Lone Ranger. But now, I still do it. I get up. I go out on my porch. I have my coffee. I feed my cat, feed my dog. And I go in my meditation room. I read Emmet Fox. I read Melody Bays. I read Cherokee Feast of Days. I read my Bible, my 12 and 12, my big book, whatever I want to pick up. I can now, today, read and get an understanding of God from whatever source I want to get it from. So can you. When I first got sober, I read everything from the big book to the Bible to the mystic path to cosmic power to figure out how I could find a God. That's the life of my understanding. I have that relationship today. It is priceless to me. My sobriety is the first and foremost in my life. I have nothing else. I don't have a chance in hell at nothing if I don't stay sober. Because at 55, I know it ain't going to take long. I'm going to be niggin' on the front porch, hollering at the neighbors, saying, Hey, y'all! You know, at 24, it might have been halfway cute. Somehow, I'm just thinking, Somebody be callin' somebody. I want to read y'all this. I don't know what edition book this is, so I don't know what page it's on, but I will find it. And I hope you got something out of this. If you didn't, talk to God. God will sponsor work. Step. Whatever. It ain't on me. You know, I gave it to God. You know, when I watch people freak out, they can't sleep, and they're tossin' and turnin' and all that, before they speak. Okay. Well, give it to God. Blame it on Him. That's what I do. I changed one word in this to make it apply to my life, but this truly, truly for me, describes what the program of Alcoholics Anonymous can do in anybody's life. And Tim, I thank you again for asking me to do this. The last 31 years of my life have been rich and meaningful. I have had my share of problems, heartaches, and disappointments, because that is life. But also, I have known a great deal of joy. And a peace that is the handmaiden of an inner freedom. I have a wealth of friends. And with my AA friends, an unusual quality of fellowship. For to these people, I am truly related, first through mutual pain and despair, and later through mutual objectives and newfound faith and hope. As the years go by, working together, sharing our experiences with one another, and also sharing a mutual trust, understanding, and love, without strings, without obligation, we acquire relationships that are unique and priceless. There is no more aloneness with that awful ache so deep in the heart of every alcoholic that nothing before could ever reach it. That ache is gone and need never return again. Now there is a sense of belonging. Of being wanted. And needed. And loved. In return for a bottle and a hangover, we have been given the keys of the kingdom. Thank you.