It Was Love at First Vomit — Schlitz Malt Liquor at Twelve 🫠 – Siobhan W.

Hey, y'all. Let's have an AA meeting. All right. My name is Jackie, and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Sneakers meeting at the NABBA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. Please let's share a moment of silence while we think about why we are here. Good evening, everybody. I'm Judy, and I am an alcoholic. Hey, everybody. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in his or her own language and from his or her own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and clear-cut idea of what has happened. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabloochipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker. And we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, Yes, I am one of... them too. I must have this thing. So now, I have the privilege of introducing Siobhan. Siobhan, I met years ago, and I couldn't believe that this little Irish sprite had ever had a problem in her life. It's over. However, I picked up a card for her tonight, and it's much more appropriate than I had realized. It has a row. It has a rose on it. But, as we know, yeah, roses have thorns, but Siobhan proves that thorns have roses. Her background was thorny, but she stuck with it. And as you will notice, any of us who have stuck with it, you newcomers, will find that our lives are so much better. No one has come to this podium and said, I have 10 years, and it's so much worse. We are so grateful. So we hope you newcomers will pick up what you need and know that you're not alone. And here's Siobhan. Hello. My name is Siobhan, and I am an alcoholic. I didn't know I was going to be standing up and speaking into a microphone, so I'm going to get my bearings about me here. I ran into Tim. Where's Tim? Tim. About a month ago, very early on a Sunday morning, and we looked at each other, and I was like, he's got to be a recovering alcoholic, because it's the crack of dawn on a Sunday morning, you know, and recovering addicts tend to get up early, so. And he asked me if I would be willing to share my story. And I said, yeah. And he said, I'll send you some dates. And he gave me this date, and I was like, my higher power is, it's pretty amazing. Yesterday was my 25-year sober anniversary. The gift for me to be able to share my journey in sobriety, like, right after, I guess, a big birthday, you know, was, I was like, wow, that's just one of the many, many synchronicities I always get with this program. And I also wanted to kind of start with just a prayer that, um, my higher power and your higher power just use me to carry the message of this program. Because I will forever be grateful to AA. And I take, like, any kind of service, whether it's speaking or leading a meeting or whatever, it's very, very serious to me. I have so much respect for this program, and I have so much respect for you all. I really do. This is, uh, not everybody finds, you know, this is, this is the last thing I want to say. But, um, it's just a wonderful, wonderful thing to do. Um, I also want to tell you a couple of things on Tumblr, because I think it's a beautiful thing to do. First of all, I think it's the most important thing in my life. It's, it's a place where I could trust. You know, it's a place where I could trust something. And, if, for, doubt grace and a lot of footwork have kept me sober but I have to give I have to give the most credit to my higher power and to just grace so the format and please forgive me I'm going to apologize ahead of time if I cuss but in the email I got from the other Tim he's like you know please watch your profanity and sometimes I slip up but so what it was like what happened and what it's like now I was born in Atlanta in the city at Georgia Baptist Hospital and grew up in Midtown and I was born the youngest of five kids two of which passed away very very young and I so I was the youngest of the three remaining and my father was I have been told he was the kind of he was the director a director in the theater and he from what I've been told was the kind of man that books are written about like the genius tortured late-stage alcoholic he was an alcoholic as long as I knew him for sure and very what I have learned we right now that kind of active alcoholism and narcissism kind of go together so he with alcoholic narcissistic early seventies and my mom was with the Atlanta Valley for a lot a lot of yours and also alcoholic and ableistic and early seventies they were both very invested in the arts and himself and a call so There were three of us little kids in Midtown growing up amongst that. And I remember, like, we were very wealthy in culture, but very poor on paper. Like, there was never things like, I mean, I had to learn so much in life, like things like health care, insurance, budgets, pay your bills, make enough money, balance. These kind of things were, I never, they never factored in, ever. But I was always involved with the theater as a little kid and, you know, huge cocktail parties and huge cocktail parties and more cocktail parties. And it was interesting. It was fun. It was funny. A few years ago, a friend of mine came in from New York, and I took her to the house in Midtown that we grew up in. And all of a sudden, I had this memory of me, my brother, and my sister saying to our mom, can we go streaking? And she said, you have to wait until the sun goes down. And we waited until the sun goes down. And three little kids under the age of seven, we threw off our clothes and went streaking through Piedmont Park. And at the time, I never thought twice about it. And then as an adult, I was like, holy. I almost slipped with profanity, but I was like, it was so unbelievable to me. I work with kids. Every day I work with kids. I work in a school. And the fierce protection I have for those kids, like, you know, it certainly borders codependent, but. I mean, I just, I feel very protective of them. And my niece and my nephew, I'm like, oh, my God, the thought of anything like that. But that was normal for us. My parents were not, they were alcoholic, you know. They were self-involved. And kids, we were kind of in the way. But there were a lot of things, you know, like in these cocktail parties, alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. And God bless us. Children that grow up in it, because there's not a whole lot of protection. There's not a whole lot of care. So I really suffered at the hands of, you know, some of my parents' friends. And I think what happened to me, like at the age of five, was I kind of, I don't know how or why, but I saw that I had to watch my own back. And I think I lived in a constant state of bracing, like bracing, and fear. Total fear. Because I knew, I mean, I didn't know what could happen, but I knew a lot of bad things had happened. And it was very frightening. And I was always in this state of brace. But yet the dynamic that was going on, because, you know, alcoholism is a family disease. My role was to not talk about it and to make sure my parents felt okay and comfortable. And that is such a hard pattern to break. But that's what was going on. Just lots of unmanageability in drinking. I mean, it's alcoholism. I guess we all kind of know what that's like, you know. Not good for little kids. And then when I was seven, actually, my sister and I found my father dead in my bed. He had died of alcoholism in his 30s. He was 39. And we found him. It was August 1st. We found him. And he was kind of purple and turned funny. But we were so used to seeing him passed out that we just kind of poked at him and laughed and went and watched cartoons. Like it was nothing out of the normal for us. And then, obviously, later, we found out that he had died. And the autopsy was he had the body of a much older man. So he had pretty much pickled himself. I mean, I can remember my dad. Like, taking vitamins with scotch in the morning. And it's so funny. Like, all that stuff seemed so normal to me until I got to AA. And then I was like, oh, my God. You mean you didn't grow up like that? So anyway, that was kind of devastating. But again, as a little kid, you know, growing up in the disease of alcoholism, I mean, I ate it. I ingested my sadness. I ingested the pain. I ingested the confusion. And my mother had, at that point, already been diagnosed with cancer, breast cancer. And she had already, like, gone away and come. But she'd gone away for treatment. She just left one day. And our father said, well, you know, your mom's sick, but she'll be back. And again, as a kid, that was terrifying to me. But all I would do was brace because there was nowhere safe to go. Or, you know, temper tantrums. And things like that. And, like, crying for my mom. I couldn't do that. That was not part of our family dynamic. So when my father did die, my mom was, she was dying of cancer. And she had these three little kids. And so the message that I got was it doesn't really, it's not that important what you feel. It becomes about survival, survival, survival. And so then, by the time I was 11, my mother finally passed away. She died also. And so it was me and my brother and my sister. And we became wards of the court and went to live with this family. And it's going to be shocking, but family of alcoholics and addicts. And, you know, they were. They knew my parents, and so they had similarities. And, again, there was just not a lot of safety or care or concern for kids. I mean, that's the thing with alcoholism, you know. I mean, I'm an alcoholic, I know. So, like, when I'm using, not a whole lot else matters. And certainly, caring for people, caring, you know, God, of course not caring for myself, but caring for other people and just being awake. Forget. Forget it. So that was, again, I braced, and I was terrified. I didn't like these people. I knew they did drugs. I just was, like, probably in a state of shock as well. So that was age 11. And then this family had a lot of their children who were older also living in the house. So it was, like, this chaotic. So when I turned 12, one of their older children, who was probably in their 30s, which, again, today, when I look back, it shocks me because, again, I work with kids, and to pressure a 12-year-old to drink, it shocks me now. But back then, it seemed normal to me. So when I was 12, I had my first drink. And my first drink. Drunk. I thought I had hit the jackpot. I couldn't believe, I mean, talk about a painkiller. It was love at first vomit. I mean, the very, very first time I ingested alcohol, I mean, the pain was gone. The terror was gone. I wasn't bracing. I mean, I thought, I thought. I had discovered something, like other people didn't know about this, and I drank so much that very first time that I literally did throw up and pass out, first time, and I think she had me drinking Schlitzmalt liquor, is that against this, can I mention specifics? I was 12, and yep, Schlitzmalt liquor, that was a favorite back then, because it got you drunk fast, and when I came to the next morning, I was like, oh, bring it on, bring it on, I mean, that became the mental and physical obsession and allergy took hold of me, I'm not kidding you, I mean, it's literally, it's textbook, it took hold of me, it was wonderful, absolutely wonderful, and I think even that next day, I drank again. Well, the thing about the house that I was living in, they didn't really care if we kind of came, stayed late, or prayed, so I was off to the races, and I pretty much began to drink every day when I was 12, and then if you offered me something, or if I was with somebody that had something, and it had the hope of altering how I felt, or taking away anything. any bad feeling, I became like the, like an experimental mouse hitting the lever, like the rat that won't stop using a drug, that is the way my addictions go, I am zero to 10,000, and because I think I had no, I had no upbringing, and had never witnessed like how, maybe something, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. my life or anybody else's life, that had not been installed in me, so I used a lot, I was, I failed out of two high schools, never went to school, and, but, you know, like I had discovered my painkiller, and I was not going to give that up. and during that time from like 12 to 18 it was well you guys know I mean you're recovering alcoholics and addicts too so and imagine a 12 year old kid that was kind of like I mean I guess in some respects we were like feral animals you know there really wasn't any kind of structure or care so by the time I was 18 I still had one more year of high school to go and there was a man living in this house of these people that I was still living with and it had gotten so bad with him that he was threatening to kill me and I believed him I mean yeah I now being a duly eyed graduate student of mental health counseling I can say he was probably sociopathic and for sure outlawed alcoholic addict but he was threatening to kill me and I thought this was probably one of the first times that I can look back and truly pinpoint that I kind of knew something is guiding me here because I had been through some pretty pretty rough uh alcoholic situations but this one was like I was like oh now he's gonna kill me um and I had an aunt my other sister who lived in Pennsylvania and I called her one day and I said can I come then finish can I come up there and I have a year left of high school can I come finish high school up there and she said yeah so my sister and I in the middle of the night left that house and we drove up to Pennsylvania and I show up in this upper middle class white bread neighborhood and like I show up like smoking and hungover and stuff and it was like I was like I was like beyond culture shock shell shock but at this point with my alcoholism I had had several medical ODs I had never overdosed and died obviously but I had overdosed on different chemicals so alcohol really became my staple at this point so here I am in this brand new neighborhood with you know an aunt I didn't really know by my self and um and the kids like at the high school I was going to I mean they thought I was wonderful because you know I was like hell-bent on death and partied like partied um like I had a death wish and I I did I didn't consciously know that but I didn't have a value for my life at that point um so during and it was funny because my aunt and her family like they thought they could dress me up and get me tennis less and stuff and uh didn't really work out so well because I'd show up drunk from you know the tennis coach and stuff um but during and during this point now I know like with alcoholism there's a bell curve and at that point I began at age 19 to hit late stage alcoholism every time I drank I'd go into a blackout and I'd come out of these blackouts um one time I was in downtown Philadelphia and I came out of a blackout and I was getting mugged like I was talking to my muggers and I come out of the blackout and I'm like oh my god like you know blackouts are freaky like nobody if you haven't never had a blackout like you can't explain it like it's the brain basically stops um and I come out of blackouts like naked not knowing where I was or what was going on and of course like I kept drinking even though these consequences were very harrowing and frightening um but I couldn't stop drinking it was the last painkiller I had left and I I couldn't fathom not drinking um then my physical tolerance I would drink just ingesting a little bit of alcohol would put me in a blackout it was unbelievable but that apparently is a textbook of what happens during late stage alcoholism um and I literally can remember praying to God saying you can't take alcohol away from me you can't take it away I've given up with all these other things like there's you can't it was frightening to me at that point to think about living without alcohol I couldn't fathom it but I was in that land of I can't but I can't not and that is such a rough place to be finally I kind of my aunt was like you you're in bad shape here and she took me to see uh an addictions counselor and this woman I'll never forget her Diane Shields an older woman and I was sitting in her office and for the first time ever I had like kind of leaked out to her some of the things that had happened in my life and I was like I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't happen to me and um and she looked at me and she said if I call and reserve a bed for you today will you go to treatment and I was like do you really think I need to and she's yep and uh and so I was like okay you know and uh so I went June 21st 1990 I went into detox um in a treatment center in Pennsylvania and um it's back when insurance actually was worth a damn and I was able to stay there for 30 days where most of the 30 days I was like you know I'm pretty young and back then like I was 19 and I think at that time they the treatment center I was going to they were just beginning to talk about an adolescent center so it was kind of like I mean now today it's so amazing to see 12 year olds 15 year olds coming to meetings and wanting to get sober but uh like I was 19 it was kind of weird you know and I was in with all adults in treatment um but it was and and again a lot of the time I was like I can't do it uh I mean I'm 19 I'll watch Dallas every Friday night like I can't fathom it a lot of you are too young to know what Dallas is um but uh and I wanted to leave a lot and I I would find you know oftentimes like try and leave or think I would leave and um but I didn't I stayed and I had some really good counselors there and um and my 30 days was up and I can remember they took us on a field trip uh from the rehab to a meeting to an AA meeting and I came back and I was so angry because I was like you got to be kidding me like I don't know how this is going to go I don't know how this is going to keep me sober like I mean I was angry I was panicked I was scared because I'm like you can't put me back out there and tell me to go do that like I wasn't getting it and um and they were like yeah go to meetings when you get out so I got out and I did the whole intensive outpatient thing and I when I first got out for maybe my first two years of sobriety I went to some mostly three meetings a day I was so freaked out I mean I had no concept of life or living I mean from utero to the age of 19 I had been steeped in alcoholism that the alcoholic way of life which you know doesn't teach you a whole lot of ease balance and grace in life so I got out and I was pretty I were I was on my own so I'm 19 years old newly sober my aunt was like best of luck to you I had I had a brother and a sister I think I at the time I didn't know where they were but I figured I knew my sister was in Atlanta I didn't know where my brother was so I'm out there like as if I was a newborn and in some respects I really was at least three times a day and I have to tell you i will never ever be able to express my gratitude for Alcoholics Anonymous Alcoholics Anonymous raised me I mean God bless the people when I first showed I decided to stay in Pennsylvania and kind of stay close to this rehab I stayed in Redding Pennsylvania and you know that's blessed the people in AA that really looked out for me back then and uh and it's funny only not from virtue but from absolute fear I did what I was told to do I got a sponsor I did a ton of service and again I'm telling you I think I was in a lot of post-traumatic stress disorders so it wasn't as if I was making a conscious choice to do these things because I am such a saint uh-uh I was like I don't think I want to die anymore but I don't know what the hell I'm doing so I did like and back then you could smoke in meetings so literally emptying ashtrays um making coffee uh and it was funny when I was in rehab one of the things they said was like and we don't recommend you date for a year and I'm like oh no alcohol drug no that one but I God I I I , but God my higher power like talk about grace I rode like I rode on grace and I did all these things it wasn't even that I was like willing or virtuous or anything I just it was grace I can't explain it it was grace I don't know I mean I'm an alcoholic I have such levels of defiancy and I mean you know you guys know your alcoholics do like but I did all that um lots and lots of meetings sponsors service and I'll never forget my very first sponsor she said to me one time um Siobhan you are finding God you're finding your higher power and I'm like how does she know that like like it was some kind of secret or something I don't know I don't know why it I guess because I always felt you know from being profoundly affected by the disease of alcoholism others and my own I felt invisible and is as if my life and I didn't matter and so for somebody to point out something like that to me was shocking and startling but I was beginning to find God I mean I was drinking the AA Kool-Aid I had to get a higher power and I had to find out like I had to I had to make that work I felt as if I didn't have another choice and so that first year of sobriety I don't know how because my high school transcripts as you can imagine I mean literally I still have them and when I look back at them F F D D absence 76 times tardy 102 times but somehow I got in I didn't know what to do or where to go or what to do with myself but I had heard other people my age talking about college no one ever mentioned the word college to me growing up ever but because I didn't have anywhere else to go I thought well I'll go to college and again great I got into Penn State my first year of sobriety and so one of the things I have found out about myself being an alcoholic and an addict is I'm compulsive as hell and when I'm sober, I can do a lot, and so, I mean, I was running like 16 miles a day, and I started getting straight A's and going to meetings, and I was stark raving sober, quite frankly, and I still am a lot of the time, but yeah, they had told me in rehab, actually, they said, so, Siobhan, you are a high energy level person, so for some people, reading a book is relaxing, other people need to build houses, you're going to need to build some houses, so, we hope you like to maybe find exercise rewarding or something, and I'm like, okay, yeah, and so, anyway, Penn State, like I did, straight A's, you know, straight A's, and I had met this girl from rehab who was staying in a halfway house after rehab in Reading, and she was from Vermont, and one day, she said, drive to Philadelphia with me, I want to check out this college, Brenmar, and so, I was like, okay, so, we're driving, and we're on the main line of Philadelphia, and like, it's beautiful, and I look over, and I see this little, it looked like a little castle, and I'm like, what's that, and she's like, that's Rosemont College, that's an all women's Catholic college, and I'm like, I'm going to go there, because you can't get more gooder than going to Philadelphia. I'm going to go to an all women's Catholic college, and I'm good now, I'm good, I'm going to erase all that, and I'm just going to be good, and so, I applied to Rosemont College, and again, you know, things like student loans, a 19-year-old that is basically two years old, dealing with, and all that kind of stuff, anyway, I applied to Rosemont College, and I'll never forget, this woman calls me on the phone, she was the registrar. She said, yes, Ms. Wade, you did very, very well at Penn State, but you're going to have to explain your high school transcripts to me, because I'm going to have to go before the board to get you in here, and I was honest with her. I said, I am a recovering alcoholic, and I am newly sober, and, you know, so we went through the whole thing, and I got into that school, and in truth, my motive was to go there, and let me erase the fact that I am an alcoholic and an addict, and, you know, perhaps don't have the best background, but I think, well, my belief is my higher power took me there, because it was so, I was like this, it was such a safe, lovely little place, and it allowed me to kind of unbrace my system, and the first thing I did when I moved there, I went to a meeting, and I, that's, you know, what I always, that's what I did. I went to a meeting. I got immediately hooked into the Philadelphia AA circuit, and started going to this college, and it wasn't perfect. Like, that was one thing I was thinking about when I was praying about speaking tonight. I would do such a disservice to AA and all of us to say, like, because someone has a long-term sobriety that their life is just roses. That is not. That is not my truth at all. So I don't want to ever paint a picture like, I've arrived, or it was all good because I was sober. No, no, no. I mean, it was, you know, look, I don't know about you, but I am also human, and my tendency is for addiction and alcoholism, and I, to this day, have to work with my higher power and sponsors and meetings and stuff to combat my patterning. This is a harsh disease, you know. They, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they. It's profoundly affected by the disease of alcoholism. But anyway, Rosemont was a good experience, and I got quickly hooked into AA there. I got a sponsor there, and I did well at that school. And I, I, to this day, I talk to some of the people from, you know, the meetings up there. Well, at some point, my brother was going to move back to it. I got back in touch with my brother and my sister, and my brother was going to move back to Atlanta. So I decided. well you know I got kind of a good thing going here and I did I was um au pairing for a French family I was full-time student I was um a personal trainer I I was I was actually cocktail waitressing which this is just for me like how I know grace exists because ever since June 21st 1990 the um obsession to drink has been lifted from me and you know they talk about being spiritually fit we can go where any free man goes and I don't necessarily I can't say I'm spiritually fit however I have always been willing to grow along spiritual lines and that is the truth and so I was making big money cocktail waitressing and the alcohol did not bother me at all um I I had at that point grown accustomed to like going to bed at a certain hour so things like wow I work really like late into the night like that kind like sober behavior sober living had begun to take hold of me to where um even though it was great money I was it was different because I was making the flip to um living sober you know and not staying up all night uh anyway so anyway life was actually okay for me in Philadelphia at a very young age um AA and God and my higher power um really carried me uh really carried me and I did I mean again not out of virtue but out of fear I did what I was told to do well I decided to move back to Atlanta cause my siblings were we were all gonna kind of reunite back here. back, I guess I was about 24 or 25. And again, I did what I was always taught to do. I went to AA right away. And it was, it was okay. It was, you know, I was readjusting and going to meetings and I don't know, like I'm, I'm a big believer. Like I, I, I want to get well always. And I've always believed, I love therapy. I'm sorry, but I do. And now in this day and age, there's so many different forms and they're finding out about brain plasticity. So I always, not always, but oftentimes when I would hit glitches in my sobriety, I would also go for outside help, you know, and, and, and still as an alcoholic and addict, I don't do well with feelings, especially when they are not comfortable. To this day, I still, I am so much better. And I, I can see how if I actually let them calm, they come and then they go, it's when I, you know, that page about acceptance is very true. And I've tested it many a time. But when I finally accept, I'm feeling a lot of pain or I'm feeling this when I can accept it, like it's able to move. And also, throughout my sobriety, I've always kind of had this thing for, alcoholic men, which always added an extra, um, essence of unmanageability to my sober life. So I say that just because, I mean, there are, because one is sober, there's, one is also a human being. Um, so that was basically like I was doing the AA thing and establishing my life. And I finished college here in Atlanta and, and my brother and I, my older brother and I actually moved in together at this time and he was drinking at the time. And I think because I got sober so young, I was so overly conscientious of ever coming off preachy or like, I have the answer and you need to get sober. So I would just leave like my big book and my literature around our apartment and like, he'd be coming in. In the morning. And as he was coming in from a night of drinking, like I'd be getting up to go to the gym and, you know, we'd pass ways and, but it wasn't, it wasn't a problem. Again, my, I am very, um, protective of my sobriety and it just wasn't a problem for us. Well, my brother ended up getting sober and we lived together for about four or five years and we were both sober. And it was kind of a very fun time because we had each other, but we were still both really young and we're doing our lives and our careers and our, you know, young things sober and it was good. And then, uh, time came and we had to part and kind of continue to grow up. And, um, and that's what we did. And so this is another thing that, um, I do have to share because it is a text. It's a testimony to, uh, AA and to the 12 steps. Um, my brother and my sister and I, because of the way we grew up and just for whatever reason, we were all very close and very enmeshed. And, uh, we had throughout the years, like some pretty bad breaks happened. And a few years ago we had a very bad break between the three of us. And, um, oh my God, it was horrible. And we fought and we, my brother wouldn't talk to me. And it was like, uh, very hard for me, very painful. And, uh, and I got a call one day and his wife told me he was in a hospital and she said, you need to go down there. And so he was in intensive care. And, um, anyway, we, we finally found that he had congestive heart failure. And, um, so for about three years he was in and out of the hospital and, um, and I was there. And, uh, I was there for him, with him and for him. And, um, you know, my, I had a little triangle. At the time I was in graduate school, I would go to graduate school, I'd go to work, I'd go to the hospital, I'd go to a meeting. I'd go to school, work, hospital, meeting. Work, school, hospital, meeting. And, um, it wasn't a martyr thing. It was like, for me, it felt as if my higher power gave me like the, it was what I was supposed to do, you know, to be there for him. And during all this time, I kept thinking like, man, my worst fear in the whole world is losing my brother. It's my worst fear. Well, eight months ago, my brother passed away. He finally died. And it was like, it wasn't like I wanted, I didn't have the conscious thought of, I want to drink. But I did think to myself, holy smokes, like, I'm not exactly sure how this is going to play out for me. Because this is painful. And I don't really have very many choices to numb this pain out. And, uh, and I actually called the night he died, I called several program people because I wasn't, I don't believe in like waking up drunk, like, you know, what is the thing like shock drunk? Like, I think it's a process that happens. Before a relapse. I don't think it's like, oh, it's like things start slipping. So it wasn't as if I was like, I'm gonna drink, but I was like, nervous. I just thought to myself, wow, like, this is, I've been through a lot of stuff. And I haven't picked up. But this one like hits a part of me that is just very vulnerable. Well, I didn't drink during it. And in truth, I think it has actually matured me. And it has brought me to the point of knowing powerlessness over alcohol, and people, places and things in such a profound way that after I stopped fighting that, and and I think that, and within this life, forward. And I feel like that because of some of the life-لك bag that zinc there's one who has all power. That one is God may you find him. Now. Like it became again, not an urgency, not an urgency, but I kind of move on a deeper level my life really depende upon it. Um, I have, uh, um, it's that, uh, але I still look back. I remember when I was 10 and a half years old. I was a little bit older then, and I said, And so, you know, what I have decided about death is it's my least favorite part of life. But again, it's one of those things like I am having to accept. And I swear to God, the wisdom in the big book to this day blows me away. And I still at times fight it, dispute it, try and figure it out, look for the easier, softer way. And then after I do my dance, then I surrender. But the surrenders, I feel, I mean, I could be wrong, but I feel as if they're getting deeper. So, and the thing about the 12 steps for me and AA is, you know, I'm very spiritually adventurous. And I like to learn about a lot of stuff. But I have never, and a day at a time, I don't think I will ever leave. The wisdom, the safety, and the, I won't leave AA. I mean, it just, it actually works, you know. And again, it's not to say that, I think I had this very grandiose idea of like, oh my God, like I'm sober a long time. I should be like rich or famous or something, but I'm really just sober, you know. I'm really just sober. And I think probably very fortunate. Because there were many instances as I look back that I really should have died. When I got to rehab, they're like, you have no business being alive, like let alone in treatment. And there are just all kinds of things I'm grateful for. I do, I have amazing friends and community. And I think another thing that has changed a lot in me with sobriety and age is realizing like, success is, like, remembering people's birthdays. And, like, taking a phone call when I don't want to take a phone call to be there for someone else. And, you know, it's things like that. I, again, profoundly affected by the disease of alcoholism, gave me all these grandiose ideas of what success in life should be. And I have had to continually surrender a lot of expectations. And to accept, like, what is. And it's kind of cool because with accepting, as I stop fighting what is and begin to accept it, it's almost like a, like a, what is actually blossoms. So my higher power always has a very funny sense of humor with me. Like, I fight and I fight and then I go, okay, I'm so exhausted, I'll stop. And then it's like, wow, like, but that's God. Yeah. This is good. I could like this, you know. But I am an alcoholic, after all. Anyway, that's really all I have. I just, I believe in AA wholeheartedly and I believe in humility and I believe in us as a group being there for one another. And I love that in AA there's no hierarchy, you know. Like, we are all the same. And we're here for one thing and it's, you know, to recover. And to help others that are recovering. And, and I'm so honored to be a part of it and to be in the middle of it with you guys. So, I think that's all I got. Thank you. Siobhan, thank you so much. That was amazing. Thank you, really. I've asked Rachel to come up and give out the chips. Hey, guys. I'm Rachel. I'm an alcoholic. In this program, we have a chip system to mark our time. And we'll start it off with a white chip. If you want to surrender the drink just for today, you can come pick up a white chip now. And after 30 days and nights of continuous sobriety, we offer a silver chip. Got any more silver chippers? No. Okay. 90 days, red chip. Yellow chip for six months. Green chip for nine months. And a blue chip. Do we have any birthdays a year or multiples thereof? I'll offer the white chip one more time. One more time?