It’s Not the Drug of Choice — It’s the Drug of No Choice, and That’s Step One — Jacque O.

Alright, it's 8 o'clock. Let's have an AA meeting. My name is Chris Warrior. I'm a Grateful Recovered Alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers Meeting at NABBA Club, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based upon a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabluchipspeakers.org desperately in need will hear our speaker and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, Yes, I am one of them too. I must have this thing. So, I texted Tim earlier when I knew Jackie was speaking. I said, please let me share. I want to introduce my friend Jackie. So, he texted me back, you bet. So, what an honor it is to be able to introduce her. You all are going to get to know a lot about her tonight. She just recently started a Big Book study and actually next week's speaker, she started it with next week's speaker, so you'll kind of get a double dose of Big Book Unlocked and she'll tell you more about that in a second, I'm sure. She just carries the message wonderfully. She has a wonderful... ...energy about her. You know, we talk about in AA attraction rather than promotion and that's Jackie to me. She's one of my good friends in AA. You know, if you stick around here long enough, you get a lot of acquaintances and you get to know a lot of people, but like anything, you get a few good friends and she's one of my good friends in AA. So, I know the story well and some of you do too, but many of you don't. So, I'm really looking forward to hearing it again and here's our friend Jackie. My name is Jackie and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm really, really... ...really grateful to be here tonight. It's been a minute since I've been in this room and this is one of my special meetings. I love it and my circumstances lately have kept me from here, but I really love this room and I feel comfortable here and there's a lot of friendly faces and people that I call friends. And thank you all for being here. Thank you, Tim, for asking me and thank you for everybody that read and I'm a little nervous. Many of y'all have seen me do the book study at Biscayne Room, but this is an entirely different thing for me. Getting behind the podium is really uncomfortable for me, but I'm here and I know that God's going to kick in in just a second here. So, we'll talk about the new meeting real quick. As you know, I did the book study at Biscayne Room for a couple years with my good friend, Shea. And I've now started a new venture. I'm with my very good friend, Larry Scott, and we're meeting on Wednesday nights in Sandy Springs and we'd love to see y'all there if you ever want to come our way. So, that's been a really big blessing in my life and just another way that I can see God working in my life, which is, you know, that's one thing that today I can say I have the ability to see God working in my life and I can give credit where credit is due. That's something I didn't have. That's something I didn't have before. God separated me from alcohol on May 2nd of 2012. And I say it that way because it had nothing to do with me and it was all God. God did that for me because me left to my own devices. I don't have the power to separate from alcohol. I was placed in a window of grace that allowed me to be free. From the things that had kept me in bondage for so many years. I didn't come into these rooms until I was 39 years old. And I stayed out there for a really, really long time because I believed that I was making a choice. I thought I had the power of choice. And that was not true, I came to find out. But in my head, I thought that, well, you know, I'm just... I'm choosing to drink, you know, it's like, I like to party. I want to be, you know, in my cups as much as possible, right? And what I didn't realize is that that was never a choice. You know, from the very first time that I took a drink at the age of 14, I drank to change the way that I felt. And prior to taking that first drink at age 14, I drank to change the way that I felt. And prior to taking that first drink at age 14, I can remember growing up as a child and always feeling different. I couldn't be a part of y'all. I was separate from everyone and everything, and I felt different. It wasn't that I didn't have friends. Like, I always had plenty of people around me, and I had plenty of people that I could call friends. But there was something within me that I felt like I couldn't, like, that every... Well, it's the selfishness, you know? That's what it is. It's the selfishness that's the problem in all of us. And, you know, I've got a great example from when I was a really young child. I was five years old, and we were at my grandparents' pool. And my mom, it was my mom and my mom's best friend, and me and my two-year-old sister. My mom and her friend were sitting off to the side chit-chatting and not paying too much attention to us as we were swimming. And my two-year-old little sister just toddled her way, you know, right over the edge of the pool into the deep end and fell in and started to sink towards the bottom. She didn't know how to swim. So I very calmly said, Mom, Mom, Elizabeth's drowning, you know. I don't think that's... And so, of course, my mom and her friend run over, and they're just freaking out. And, like, my mom jumps in the pool, which is the absolute wrong thing to do when somebody's drowning, right? And... Mm-hmm. So they get her out, and she's fine. You know, no mouth-to-mouth has had to be done or anything like that. And the very first words out of my mouth were, So, um, am I going to get some kind of reward for that? Because I told you that, you know, she was drowning. So, you know, it had nothing at all to do with the welfare of my sister. Like, no concern whatsoever for her, right? All about, you know, well, aren't you going to recognize me for, you know, what I did? So, you know, that's just one small example, but I think it's an interesting one because it was at such a young, young age, right? So, at the age of 14, I took my first drink. And the very first time that I drank, I knew that I had found the solution to my problem. I am restless, irritable, and discontent until I can experience the ease and comfort that comes with the first drink, right? And although that very first time that I drank, I think I probably only had maybe four beers, or something like that. I got the feeling. I got the buzz, right? And all of a sudden, I didn't feel uncomfortable. You know, I was with a group of friends, and for the first time, I felt like, you know, maybe they were interested in what I had to say, or, you know, maybe I didn't have to think so hard before I spoke. I could just, you know, put it out there and, like, be, you know, vivacious, and, you know, put it out there, right? And just be comfortable for the very first time ever. So, in taking that first drink, you know, I soon realized, you know, well, I've got to do that again and again and again. And so, it just took off from there. And, you know, I started drinking, alcoholically, probably the second time that I drank. Like, all through high school, all through college, I just, nearly every time that I drank, I drank and I blacked out. Or I passed out. Or, you know, but I would drink until, I, until it was gone. Or, you know, it was never just one or two. And I never understood, because of the people that I hung around, it seemed that everybody drank that way, but I like to pick people to hang out and drink with that are going to drink like me, so I don't look so bad, right? So, you know, when I got into these rooms and I realized that that's not how normal people drink, like, that was really shocking to me. But, apparently, the people that I hung around with, they didn't drink that way. But, apparently, the people that I hung out with, you know, we kind of all drank that way. In fact, I just have to call attention to this, because it's so rare, that there's actually somebody in this room tonight that has seen me that way. My friend Danny, sitting here on the front row that read the 9th set promises for us tonight, was my senior prom date. I've known Danny since I was 14 years old. We went to Riverwood High School together, here in Atlanta, in Sandy Springs. And, um, so Danny knows very well what it's like when Jackie is drunk. And Jackie knows very well what it's like when Danny is drunk. And, thank God, we're both here tonight, right? Instead of out there, like a lot of our friends still are, unfortunately. But it's just cool to have somebody from the good old days, right? Back here in this room with me tonight. Um, so, basically, I went off to college. It was more of the same. I, whenever I was not drunk, which became, you know, less often, I felt completely uncomfortable, but I knew what to do, right? It was, I knew that, you know, it worked for me for a really long time, I guess is what I'm trying to say. That I could take that drink, I could change the way that I felt, and this hole that exists right here in the middle of me would fill up for a short time. Right? But the longer that I went on drinking, um, the less that it worked. And the more periods of discomfort would occur. Um, I actually have a somewhat unusual story from what I hear most people talk about in the rooms. And I think it's what kept me out until I was 39 years old. Because, like I said, I partied really hard in high school and then in college. But then, when I was 26 years old, I got married. Actually, that was 17 years ago today that I got married. Today's my wedding anniversary, but I'm divorced now. Um, I know, right? I mean, what do you even say to that? Um, yes, congratulations. I guess that's pretty good. So, um, so I got married when I was 26 years old. And, um, you know, and then started having children. And I had a 9 to 5 job that I managed to keep. And it was kind of like something clicked in me that said, I've got to make sure that I show up and I do this thing right. You know, I'm a wife now. I'm a mother now. I've got to show up at this job. I've got to show up at the kids' school and be the room mom for both kids. You know, every year I'm going to be on the PTA board. I'm going to do it all. And I'm going to be the best at what I do. Right? And I'm never going to let you know what goes on when I get home at night and I hit the bottle. Right? You've got to know that. So, I tricked myself into thinking that I had some semblance of control. When that was absolutely not the case. What happened was because of all of this, you know, these attempts to control my drinking, you know, I would put these things in place like, okay, I'm not going to have the first drink until 6 o'clock. And I would stick to it. I could do it. But I'll tell you what. From the time I woke up until 6 o'clock, I wasn't a very pleasant person to be around. Like, I really think people would have liked me and wanted to be around me more if I had just been drinking all day long. Because, you know, me trying to control it like that and then, and then, you know, I'd slug back a couple bottles of wine as quick as I could at night so that I could make that 12 o'clock cutoff that I set for myself. Right? So, you know, I did these things and it's, you know, I wasn't going out and partying like in the old days. You know, I'm a mom. Right? I'm an employee. And I got complete control of this situation. So, therefore, you know, it took a while for me to get in here. But, you know, it takes what it takes. And, you know, it's all good. And I'm here now. Thank God. But, so what happened is that because of the lack of drinking enough, is what I like to say, and because of that restlessness, irritability, and discontentment, that I often experience, like all the time when I was sober, I would have these fits of rage. And the people that would suffer the most from that, of course, would be my family, my husband, my children. And I would just absolutely lose control. So, that happened quite frequently for a long time. And then one morning, we were getting the kids ready for school, and my husband said something that set me off. And, you know, he said, you know, here comes the rage. And I remember just having absolutely no control over that when that would happen. And such a scary feeling to like almost black out in rage. So, for whatever reason, that morning, he had just had enough. And he put his foot down for the first time ever. You know, because I would always apologize. And I'd be so remorseful after that would happen. But this time, he took the kids and left and took them to his parents' house and wouldn't return my phone calls. And wouldn't pick up the phone and wouldn't let me see the kids. And this went on for a couple of days. And the only communication I had with them was through my sister. And he basically said, you either go to rehab or I'm divorcing you and I'm taking the kids. And I knew that I was screwed, you know. I knew he had a pretty strong case. I knew that, you know, if he actually followed through with that and anybody really got a real glimpse at the real me and what that looked like and how scary that was, that he could do that, you know. He could leave and he could take my kids and I may never see them again. So, out of fear, I agreed to go to rehab. But at that point, I still wasn't convinced. I was, you know, well, okay, I'll do this to get my kids back, to get my husband back. But I'm not an alcoholic. You know, he's crazy. But I'll do what he says because I've got no choice here, obviously, you know. So, I went. But what happened? When I got there, God kicked in, you know, for whatever reason. And I can tell you exactly what happened. And I know the moment that I first felt the switch, like, click where I knew it. I was like, I arrived at rehab and I was sitting out in the smoking section at rehab. And I was like, I arrived at rehab and I was sitting out in the smoking section at rehab. And I was listening to all the people talk. And you know how it is sitting in the smoking section at rehab with everybody swapping war stories, right? Talking about, you know, all the trouble they got in, all the drugs that they did. Reminiscing about the good old days, right? So, there's all these people sitting around out there, you know, talking about doing dope. Talking about smoking crack, you know, doing all these things that I had never done. And I said to myself, these people are crazy. And I said to myself, these people are way more screwed up than me. You know, obviously, you know, I've never done heroin. So, you know, I don't need to be here. They obviously do, but not me. So, I go inside and lucky for me, there's some really good people that worked at this rehab. Like, they were in recovery themselves in Atlanta. You know, some really strong solution. And I went up to this guy, Andy, and I said, Andy, these people are way more screwed up than me. I do not belong here. And he said, you know what, Jackie? I encourage you to look for the similarities rather than the differences. And that's something that we hear and hear quite a bit. But I had never heard that before, and it really struck me. And all of a sudden, I started listening to these people. And I listened to them talk, and I listened, and for the first time I heard that they were just like me. It didn't matter. What the drug of choice was, the drug of no choice is what I like to say. It didn't matter. Because they had an alcoholic mind, just like me. When I came in to rehab, I just thought I was crazy. I thought, you know, I don't have control of this rage thing. You know, I feel completely just out of sorts. You know, just overcome, especially after I got separated from the alcohol, right? Just overcome. Just overcome with this discomfort. And I thought I was crazy. But once I started to listen to these people and I realized they were just like me, I was like, wait a minute. There's something to this. You know? Maybe, perhaps, I'm alcoholic. And that's what the problem has been. And I started to realize it. And I, you know, I could actually feel that, you know, innermost self thing. You know, like the switch. Like, I am alcoholic. I am alcoholic. Oh, my gosh. Right? So, thankfully, that happened for me really early on. That was just a few days in of rehab. And so, that was amazing that I was basically granted this willingness to do something different for the first time in my life. Right? I firmly believe, like I said at the very beginning of my talk, that God separated me from alcohol. I needed to be in that treatment facility. A lot of people don't, they like to bad mouth treatment facilities. That had to be the case for me. There was no way that I could be at home and not drink. So, I went away there for 30 days. And that's what needed to happen for me. So, like I said, there were some really cool people that worked there. They're in Atlanta Recovery. And they pointed me in the right direction when I got out. So, I started going to some really good meetings right from the beginning. I went to a big book study on Thursday night for many, many years that I went to the very first week that I got out of rehab. And, you know, I found my home group there. And I think that's a really important thing to find a place that you can call home. That you can have your people. Right? The people that you can be accountable with. The people that you can be transparent with every day. Because when these thoughts come up, which they still do for me with five years sober and they will forever, I'm sure. Then, I've got to be able to talk about that. Because if I let that stuff just ruminate around in my crazy alcoholic mind, you know, I'll be out there drinking before I know it. You know, that's all part of it. That accountability. So, to have a home group where I feel comfortable and I feel at home is a very important thing. It's a very important element to this deal. I also found a sponsor very quickly. And I like to think that one to death. I spent a couple weeks, like, just kind of roaming around trying to pick the perfect person. I was like, well, I don't know about her. And like, oh, you know. But, you know what? I totally over thought that. Because what happens, you know, with sponsorship, and I experience this all the time today with, you know, women that I sponsor. Um. Is that, you know, God puts people together. God puts sponsors and sponsees together. That's completely out of our control. We don't need to try and think about that. That just happens. And, you know, the fact that God placed this woman in my life that was, you know, the exact right time, the perfect person, right then. And I was able to get into the work quickly. And I did that. And I worked the steps. Um. And I had a spiritual experience as a result. Um. And then, it was like, I had. Okay. So then, jumping ahead just a little bit. At nine months sober, this is a really important part of my story that I've been thinking a lot about lately. But, I sometimes read out. But, at nine months sober, um, I experienced an extreme tragedy in sobriety. Probably the worst tragedy of my life up to that point. Um. My brother committed suicide when I was nine months sober. And, as devastating as that was. As shocking as that was. Um. As terribly, terribly sad as that was. I'm grateful for that moment. And that sounds crazy. But, I can tell you why. Because, it was because of David's death that I knew God existed. It was the first time I knew it for absolute certain. I worked the steps. I had a spiritual experience. And I had grown towards this God of my understanding. But, I still was a little bit shaky about the evidence in my life. I still wanted to pick it apart. But, when David died, there was no doubt in my mind that I had a God working in my life. Because, I showed up and reacted in a way that Jackie does not show up. Jackie does not show up and react in a situation like that. Um. I immediately hit my knees when I heard the news. Which is weird for me. Um. I called my sponsor. You know, I got direction. Um. And, I went and I got to be with my family and show up for them and be of service. And. They needed me. Because. They were falling apart. And, my whole family is alcoholic. And. I was able to show up and be of service to them. And. You know. I just. I look back at that now. And, I'm just so grateful that God gave me that moment. You know. Where I got to know. I got to know Him. And. You know. Today in sobriety. It's like. It becomes clearer. I think. The more time that I have. And. Often people ask me. You know. What is God to you? What is God to you? You know. When I was growing up. He was. This person. Up there in the sky. That wore like a long white robe. With a beard. And stuff. Right. And. Was completely and utterly inaccessible to me. I. Would. Turn my face from Him in shame. And. I didn't even know what that was. And. The idea of a God. Close and personal to me. Did not exist whatsoever. Until I came in here. Um. So. When people ask me today. You know. What is God to you? I say. God. Is the God of my experience. And. I don't know how else to describe that. Except that I can tell you. That. In the good times in my life. And. In the bad times in my life. In the happiness. In the pain. In all of it. God is there. And. You know. I just. I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. I haven't. I just. I have. I have a new way of seeing things today. That's absolutely. Amazing. And. I. And. I just. Something happened. In sobriety. Later. Um. Basically. You know. I had that experience in my first year. Where. You know. It was just. A real high. Right. To have found this way of life. To have found y'all. You know. To have found my people. For the first time ever. I felt. Okay. I felt comfortable. I felt like. I didn't know anything about this fellowship. I didn't know anything about the program of action. I knew nothing. But. I came in here. And y'all taught me. And you embraced me. Right. Um. And you still do today. But. After the first year or so. Um. I think I kind of. I. I guess. Looking back. I think I thought. Well. I think I got this now. Like. I think I got it. You know. Like. I'm doing. I'm doing pretty good here. Right. You know. Like. I've got all these sponsees. And. You know. Everybody thinks that. You know. That people are constantly telling me stuff like. What. You've only got a year sober. I thought you had like ten years sober. And stuff like that. Right. And I think. That all just kind of went to my head. Maybe. And um. I kind of felt like. You know. Maybe I didn't need to do some of the things that I had done from the beginning. And. Um. I don't know that I could consciously feel myself drifting away from God. But I can tell you that. Without. I didn't have. The humility. And. The self will. Creeped back in. You know. Like. Really. Really sly. Like. Really. Really sly. Like. I didn't know it was happening at all. And. I got involved in a relationship. That was. Well. I guess. This. First of all. Well. Trying to figure out. What. I was. Trying to figure out. What. Was. Trying to figure out. All right. Let's just say. I got involved in this relationship. Right. And. When that happened. I thought. That it was God's will. Right. Like we like to say. You know. Well. You know. The stars are coming together here. And. You know. The way that this feels. Well. Again. That's got to be God's will. And like. We have a spiritual connection. I mean. We're. You know. We're on the path. Together. Right. So. This relationship. I know today was not God's will. First of all. Um. But. In hindsight. It's 2020 y'all. Um. But. I got totally immersed in self-will. And I was in this relationship. That was. So toxic. And. So unhealthy. And. It went on for. You know. A good. Almost two years. Basically. And. Um. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I think it was. Um. That entire time. I. I. I. I. I. I. I just. Was on this downward spiral. You know. Moving away. From God. Not. Towards God. Like. I've been taught. Like. I know to be true today. Um. But away from God. Because. I was just. You know. It was all about . That I want. You know. before that entire thing just exploded into this horrific train wreck of just complete and utter destruction that I couldn't even imagine. That's how bad it had to get for me to get it. And that's how this one times for me. But basically, in one day, I lost this man that I thought I loved, that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. And I lost my job, and I lost my home group in one day because we were intertwined with all of that. Our entire lives were intertwined together like that. And it brought me to my knees. For a second time, you know. It's like when I got sober and I was free from the bondage of liquor, that was the first time I was brought to my knees. But it happened again about three years into sobriety. And today I'm grateful for that. Because without that experience, I never would have been given the willingness to do the deal again. You know, to give. To give back on the path. To do the one thing that I knew would work. And that's God. Right? So how do I find God? What's the purpose of working the steps? The purpose of working the steps is that I get to be in conscious contact with my creator. And because of this devastating place that I was in, where I had lost everything once again, and I was in such pain that I didn't think, I could even move forward at all. I was once again granted that gift of willingness. I can't muster up willingness on my own. It's not like I can just say, well, God, you know, I just I'm I'm willing today and I'm just going to work some steps. It doesn't work that way with me. You know, I have to be convinced through a lot of pain that it's, you know, that that's what I got to do. And. So I had this whole new experience. I, you know, as I said, I lost my home group that had been my home group since the very beginning of sobriety. And I found a new meeting on Thursday night that I started going to. And I can tell you that the moment that I walked into that meeting where I didn't really know anybody and you know, I felt that uncomfortableness like I did at the very beginning. Right. But I walked in there and we sat in a four minute meditation at the beginning of the meeting. And I felt love just washing over me literally. Like, a physical sensation of love. And, you know, it was God. It was all God. And I knew that and I went to a woman in that meeting and I asked her for help. You know, I, I, I was crying. I was sick. I was scared and I didn't know what else to do or where to turn. And I went to this woman and I asked her to help and she agreed to help me. And we we got to go through the work again. And I had another experience. I had another experience and I'm so grateful for that. I'm so grateful for that painful experience that allowed me to know God in a real way for the first time ever. This way of life, this program of action that's laid out in this book, it works. I'm proof of that today. I'm proof of that. I'm in a place where I trust God and I rely on God. I don't rely on myself anymore. You know, it's like I still have moments of pain. I still have moments where I feel uncomfortable or unsure or I worry. I'm a human, right? But ultimately, I feel that peace. That comfort. That comes only with letting go and letting God take over. Um, you know, there's things in my life today that aren't perfect, but it's okay because I know that God has a plan. I don't have to worry about that anymore. I don't have to try to work out all the little details and run the show like I did for so many years. Because God's going to take care of all of that. He's going to take care of all of that. Here's the deal. I take care of God's kids and God takes care of me. All I have to do is show up and be of service. I like to be of service a lot in Alcoholics Anonymous. I love Alcoholics Anonymous from the bottom of my heart. But I can be of service everywhere. You know, I can be of service to my kids. I can be of service to my sisters, to my parents. I can be of service to my family. I can be of service to my sister. I can be of service to my family. I can be of service to my friends. to my job, you know, to a stranger on the street. It doesn't really matter. It's like it's just I've got a new outlook today. I'm just, you know, I stand here before y'all tonight, and I'm just, you know, I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude. Like, whenever I'm here with y'all, like, I just, you know, I feel like I come alive. And I just, you know, I want to share this news with y'all that this thing works. Don't give up if you're new. Get a competent sponsor and work these steps. Get some relief. You don't have to feel that empty feeling inside anymore. You don't. You know, there is a better way. And I know it sounds like a bunch of BS at the beginning. I know it does. But, you know, I've tried to stand up here tonight and be as honest with y'all as I possibly can be about, you know, what it's like to be Jackie without a solution. And, but the Jackie that stands up here tonight behind this podium, you know, I have a solution that I really, truly trust and believe in today. And, I mean, I just, I don't even know what else to say but that. I mean, that's, that's, that's. That's it. I mean, just stick around and experience this thing, y'all. It's such a miracle. It's such a miracle for people like us. It's such a miracle. So, thank you so much for letting me be up here tonight and for talking. And, I think that's, I think that's it. I think I'm done. All right. Thank you, Jackie. Like I say, a good AA story finishes on time. A great AA story finishes a few minutes early. So, thank you for a great story, Jackie. I've asked Brad to come give out the chips. Good evening, everybody. I'm Brad and I'm an alcoholic. We have a chip system here to mark our glorious days of sobriety. It starts off with the most beautiful shiny one. It's a white chip and it is for anybody coming in here that wants to try our way of life. Give it up because it sucks. Come on in here. Stay here with us. Or somebody. Somebody's been out there experimenting and decided that wasn't really so great. It's coming back. Anybody want a white chip? We have a silver chip. It has marked 30 days of sobriety. Anybody have 30 days? Yay! Anybody else have 30 days? Okay, we have a red chip. 90 days. No, 60 days. Oh, no 60 years. My bad. Okay. Okay, 90 days. Sorry about that, folks. 90 days. It's the other one then would mark six months. Six months. Anybody six months? How about nine months? Green chip. Nine months. We have a blue chip. Marks one year or multiples thereof. Come on up. One year and six months. And I was here in this program. My name is Trent Williams and I'm a recovering alcoholic. And I was in this program. I was right here in this room here about maybe 16 months ago and I left this room right here and I knew that I knew I could come back and keep coming back and I wouldn't have to bother with any kind of alcohol anymore and that's what I'm, you know, I'm thanking everyone here for helping me, you know, reach that goal, you know, thank you all. Anybody else with a year or multiples thereof? How about this white chip one more time? Anybody too shy or maybe didn't hear it with all the clapping going on? All right. Cheers to the chips that you have. Cheers. Thank you one and all for joining the Blue Chip Speakers meeting tonight.