Internal Discomfort, the Feeling She Could Never Name Until AA – Audrey C.

Hey guys, my name is Audrey Chapman. I'm a recovered alcoholic. Hi Audrey. Hello, welcome. Where are the family members? They're like, oh, raise your hand. Raise them high. I'm not asking where the drunken adult teens are. All right, welcome! We are so glad to have you here. Let me just say that we wouldn't be here without the family members. We just wouldn't. There's a lot of us that would be gone today. So thank you so much for what you all have done and for showing up and being a part of the residents recovery that's such a cool, cool deal. I mean, I've sat in that chair too, so I'll tell you all about that too. If Al-Anon had a draft, they'd be after me. There are so many of them. But anyway, like I said, I'm a recovered alcoholic. I am honored to be here tonight and to tell my story. I'm going to talk a little bit about what I was like, what happened, and what I'm like now in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and Cocaine Anonymous and Drug Addicts Anonymous that I just absolutely adore. And I wouldn't have told you that eight years ago. I didn't come through these doors pleased to be here, you know? Marcia and I are very, very different people, and it's an interesting dynamic that we've created. Marcia came through the door and like busted it in, right? Turning car wheels, being real crazy and loud, and you knew she was here. That's not how I came on on the scene. I'm very shy, very quiet, and very deceitful. And I will slide in the back door, stand in the corner, assess the situation, and then play my cards. And so you don't usually see me coming. And it was an interesting way that I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. I came, like I said, from a family full of drunks. The only one that was noticeable when I was young was my father, just a real, real bad alcoholic. I adore my parents. They are phenomenal phenomenal people. They just are. And I certainly am not an alcoholic because my parents were divorced or I came from a hard childhood or I had some issues growing up. Those things were certainly true, but that's not the reason that I drank. I drink because I'm bodily, mentally different than my fellow man. I just am. I'm also driven by an internal condition that untreated, I will pick up a drink over and over and you residents know exactly what what I'm talking about, because you hear it all the time. It's taught in big book. If you're a family member and you don't have a big book, let me encourage you to buy one. Read it. See what this thing is about. It's vital information on why we do what we do. We are a different breed of people, are we not? So many family members are sitting back scratching their head and going, seriously? I get that. I get dat. And I did that for a long time until my alcoholism took me to a place where I was the one doing those things and living that way. So I grew up in a small town out in East Texas. Do any of you guys know where Sulphur Springs, Texas is? Any of you? Anybody want to admit it? This one over here? Okay. Little bitty town. They got the Walmart. It was like big doings. Grew up on a dairy. I mean, it just was a hot mess. But it was a lot of fun. I grewup in a house full of love, but alcoholism was ever-present. present and when I was six years old my mother made the decision to leave my father and what's so sad about that is that she will tell you till this to this day that he's her soulmate you know that she absolutely loved and adored him still you know would consider him a best friend but that's what alcoholism does it devastates everything around us it just does and so we left as a result of his drinking and my mother's thought process was if I can get my child out of the situation, hopefully she won't be one of them. And so she attempted to coddle me and mold me and rule me into being this person and to keep me from the alcoholism. And you know how that goes. And lo and behold, it just happened anyway. And so he remarried, my father remarried. I grew up with step-siblings, half-siblings. and I grew up with a lot of family members and I was kind of back and forth between mom and dad and the fact was I have a family that loves and adores me and fought over who got to spend more time with me the feeling was I was the child from the first marriage who got lost in the shuffle and that's how my alcoholism deluded me from day one anybody else in here a victim? martyr? I wrote the book on that I mean to tell you it was like well I didn't understand my parents are divorced and I came from a hard life. And it's just like, really? I remember my mom telling me one time, Audrey, you're not the one who got divorced. You're not the one Who lost your soulmate. And I'm like, right, right. That's true. It felt devastating, but it's like, I can't see what's in front of me because I'm so delusional and self-centered. I make everything about me. Anybody else? Right. Just if even if it's just close to me, I'm going to make it about me. And so I grew up that way that I was depressed severe anxiety disorder I have issues around food I mean I just like all turned in on myself all the time in a huge way. I've always felt a little bit separate then you guys know what I mean by that? Like you walk in the room and everybody shouts your name. I mean they don't know you it's like cheers, right? Norm! I mean their trying to connect with with you and trying to interact and I'm still alone. What is that about? It's about an internal condition that separates me from everyone else. And I was always like that, always, always. I remember being the kid at the slumber parties that would go and hide in the closet and then be pissed when nobody came to find me. Nobody's even noticed. You know, it's It's just like, they're playing games. Get out of the closet. Drama. You know, and that's just how I lived my life. And so it wasn't until I discovered alcohol and drugs when I was about 15 years old and I'm in a back alley. We had moved to Denton, which is about a two-hour-ish drive from Sulphur Springs. So my dad stays in SulphUR Springs with his wife and his other daughter and stepbrother and family and my mom and stepdad and I and other, you know, we all go over to Dentin and I am doing this back and forth game and I'm trying to fit in in the schools and I can't seem to make that work. My mom sent me to a private Christian school because I was having issues with the girls at school, running that mouth. And so she sends me to her private Christian school and she's all the time trying to mold me and set me up for success and put me on the right path and give me opportunities and I bust through every one of them. I'm damned if you tell me who I'm going to be. You know, it's just, I can't seem to accept what's been given to me. Just that arrogant, that arrogant. Anybody else that's looking at me is going, baby, you've got it laid out. But I'm so arrogant I won't touch it. So I'm in this school district. I'm not happy. Things are not going well. And it's not that I'm Not capable. Like selling sports, like selling school. People want to be my friend, but I'm constantly giving everybody the pushback. I'm in a back alley with a little boy from down the street. And the first time, alcohol hit the back of my throat and I could breathe. I could breath. And I'm with my stepsister. Like I said, I think we're 14, 15, something like that. I held off for a very long time compared to some of you people. Now I had your first drink at 2. I'm like, whew. No, my mama was clocking me. Don't want you to end up like your daddy. And so we're out there, and all of a sudden I'm able to connect to this guy, and I'm unable to connect with my stepsister in a manner which I had never experienced. Never. And I remember stumbling back over to the house with my step-sister and saying, is this what being loaded feels like? And she's like, yeah, this is it. I'm going to tell you something. My intention was not to go way past the mark. It wasn't, I was trying to escape stuff. I was trying to get right. Do you guys know what I mean by that? I'm trying to settle in my own skin. And a couple of drinks will do that for me, but I continue to drink more and more. I'm not really sure what that's about at that point in time, but it's what happens. And so I continue to get loaded as often as I can without anyone finding out, which is how I like to roll. I don't know about y'all, but I like the drink without consequence. Anybody here? Didn't pan out that way. But that's what I'm attempting to do. And so I do this off and on through high school, and mind you, I'm showing up for Bible study, I'm shown up for chapel, I can quote the scripture, I put on the game face, and I can be pleasant and do what I need to do, and I'm dying inside. Absolutely dying inside at this point in time. Bless you, baby. My father had gotten sober. Very easily distracted. My father got sober when I was, I guess like middle school, something like that, fifth, sixth grade, And by sober, I mean he went to Charter Hospital. Remember when those were on the scene? So he went into Charter hospital. He dried out, took some vitamins. We went over family day, did football rounds, good times. So he gets sober. And he goes to AA, goes to a bunch of meetings, doesn't get a sponsor, doesn't work any steps. And so he's like stark raving sober. He's like, whew, okay. Mr. Chapman needs a drink. But anyway, so he is doing that whole game. And then at some point he relapses. relapse is I don't realize it's a relapse because in my mind as a young person, if somebody had a problem with alcohol and they're no longer drinking, they're not an alcoholic. I didn't understand the concept that once an alcoholic always an alcoholic, the disease will continue to progress whether or not I pick up a drink. It was a new concept for somebody like me. I used to say my father used to be an alcoholic he picked up a drank and he hooked a hard left after seven years without a drink. So we began to drink together, which has caused big problems in that side of the family. And so what happens is that he gets really bad really quick. I'm in my late teens, early 20s and things have started to get weird for me. I graduated from high school and decided that I needed to go away. You know that whole game. Like, I just need to get away from you people. Y'all are just stressing me and I just need a new environment and a fresh start and a change of pace and that's going to do it. And the problem with that is, is wherever I show up, I showup full force on the scene with an internal condition and I can change all my people, places and things, but I'm still me and i'm still irritable. Everybody and everything irritates me to death. The way you breathe is obnoxious to me. You need to chew so loudly. It's like I'm constantly on the verge of that one real quick, sharp thing that you shouldn't say. I'm always fighting that kind of deal. I'm restless. I can't sleep. And when I do sleep, it's not good sleep. I can never shut the mind down. And the only thing that seems to kill that is alcohol. And I'm discontent. I'm consistently saying things like, I'll be happy when... dot dot dot I'll be okay if X, Y, and Z could just all fall into place and stay there and what's weird about that is even when all of that lines up and the stars are just right and my ducks are in a row it's all magical I'm unhappy and I get loaded and it just consistently seems to be a problem for me and so I go off to school thinking this is the fresh start let me go to a Baptist university All right, let me go to a Baptist university with the good kids. Because I know intuitively there is something to spirituality. I know innately that I'm drawn to that, but there's a block and a hindrance and I can't figure out what it is. I'm a woman that could sit in the church in awe of the stained glass windows, quote the scripture, and know for sure I will be loaded by sundown. Without a doubt. And so I can'T quite figure out what it is that these kids are happy they absolutely love god they absolutely are excited about education they're excited about dating they're exciting and i'm like i hate every last one of y'all you know i just put on money i'm having to sneak off campus just to smoke a marlboro you know what i mean i'm not like oh this has got to go and so you know one more time i call my mother hey you know this isn't really working for me i've done a year here i'm putting in my time and uh in a private education one more time i demand the best you know and haven't earned any of it let's be clear about that haven't heard any of but i feel it's my god-given birthright oh you have money then it's mine how really yeah that's that's what i thought how absolutely arrogant of me so my grandfather moves me back moves me into an apartment back in denton which is a good place to try to get your stuff together. Denton, call it Fry Street. Anyway, some of you know. So I'm back in Denton and I just need to go to community college. That's the way to go. I need to change all my friends. I need a change. La, la, la. Go work at a daycare. I'm like sweating out bourbon chasing little kids. but i adore kids i do and i didn't really know that um and i fell in love with this little boy named hayden he was i guess one year old year and a half something like that at the time and i felt in love it was the first time that i felt maternal about a child who was not one of my siblings and it was like oh my god i could get excited about being a mom someday i could can't get excited about marriage. I can't get excited about normal people's stuff, and I just love this little boy, and so I'm working at this daycare, and I'm going to school, kind of, and, and babysitting him. I'm like a nanny at this point, like at nights and weekends, I nanny for this little boy. And progressively, things begin to get worse. I can'T quit drinking, and when we go out with people, they're having the fun cocktails, you know what I mean? They're They're the pretty ones. They're all full of sugar. I'm like, there's not even a lot of alcohol in that, but whatever. It's got an evil straw. But I'm, like, I need to figure out a system. And I'm very systematic about the way I drink. You know what I'll get with that? I've got my drinks beforehand, the drinks that are allotted in public, and then the drinks afterwards, and then I'm going to have to smoke some weed before I go to bed. I'm about to take some sleeping pills. I mean, it's just got to all be situated just so. And if any little component is out of whack, I'm going to lose it. And so I never ran out. Never. I don't have any experience with that. And people are like, I just ran out of alcohol. I'm like, really? You didn't think that through? I was stock plowed like there might be a flood. I lived alone. I moved out of this apartment and my grandfather built a house and I had a couple little roommates. I ran them off eventually. And I lived alone, and I hid alcohol. Right? I'm like constantly stockpiling this stuff. And I won't ever let anybody borrow my pipes. No, these are my cousins. You know, that one cousin that you borrow my stuff from. Can't ever loan anything out. No, we can't use that stuff. No, you can't have any of this. And then people, oh, let's share. Let's share a bottle. I'm, like, no, no baby. I'll buy you one, but we're not sharing. I don't like to drink with girls. They wouldn't share everything. We'd go to the bathroom together at the same time. fine. I'm like, no, when you go to the bathroom, I'm going to get another shot. So anyway, so I'm living in this house and I eventually stopped going to school because it just becomes difficult. You know, I just can't show up for things on time. And when I do, I am a wreck. I am having to tell a professor that I have mono, you know, because I shuffle in and I look rough. Some of y'all do the alcohol and dope thing and you don't look that bad. Now, I do. It's very obvious when I go off the chain. And I used to show up at my parents' house and let their garage door up in the middle of the night and steal alcohol from them and then leave. And then I'd go over during the middle of the day and take food from them. And my mom has always been very social. She was in a sorority. She's still in a Sorority, she's like in her late 50s. They still meet, it's like legit. I'm sorry. I don't know anything about that. So, I would show up and she'd be having like tea parties. And, I mean, oh my God. I would shuffle in like freaking. My hair looks crazy. I haven't worn makeup in forever. And just shuffling and kind of look at them and go to the kitchen and take food. And it's like you could see the embarrassment. Where she's like, this is my oldest daughter. She's a disaster. you know she didn't say that but she wanted to um it's just very embarrassing and i begin to compromise who i was as a human being i began to do things that are unacceptable to me and um and it's weird how you can have like that those like the big book calls them moral and philosophical convictions galore and it is like a standard set of right and wrong what's okay and what's not okay And I began to compromise those in full force. I stopped paying bills. I stopped turning on lights. I started taking things that don't belong to me, including your man. It's like I suddenly have no values whatsoever. And let me tell you, that's not who I am. It's really not. And it's not how I was raised. And it'S not whoI wanted to be. and it was the kind of person that I judged and that I talked about and all of a sudden I'm looking in the mirror and that's who I've become I'm fully supported by finances that don't belong to me and I'm being very incredibly selfish and dishonest about that and so eventually like I said I lived with these guys I don't know why I thought that was going to be a good idea but a couple of guys that I'd gone to high school with I thought it would be fun to live in a house with them instead of living with girls and what started off being cute about how much I could drink started getting embarrassing and towards the end of it they had just had enough and I lived on a urine stained mattress constantly I mean it just got very sick and very weird it always gets really quiet all the normal people in the room are like oh my god she sleeps in urine yeah for a long time and it just was and that was the thing that I feared the most is I didn't want to be what my father had become. And I don't just mean an alcoholic, but when people would talk about him, they'd go, oh, yeah, Mr. Chapman. I mean, he lost his career and he lost his wife and he lossed his child. It's very sad. And they pitied him. And I was like, I will never be that person. And then all of a sudden, I overhear it. People talking about me and the way that I live my life and going, I know, it's sad. And I'm just like, oh God. I have become that person, but there's absolutely nothing that I could do about it. I began to try to rein it in. Y'all know what I mean by that? I'm not trying to quit. I'm just trying to reel it in a little bit. And it's impossible to do that. And when I do pull it off, it's like nails on a chalkboard. I am unhappy without alcohol and drugs in my life. I just say it. And so it's at this point in time that I begin to get in trouble because I don't know what it is about me when I get loaded. I've got somewhere to be. I'm like, I need to be in the car. And it was just pitiful. I had nowhere to be and nobody wanted to see me and people had stopped answering my phone calls long ago. They'd done an intervention on me. Anybody else in here had an intervention done on you? That's good times. Yeah. They thankfully picked a spokesperson who lived in Chicago and so they did it via telephone. This is stupid. stupid. So they call me, and I'm like in the back of a pickup truck with a couple of guys, and we're drunk and high, and they're saying, okay, here's the situation. We're doing an intervention. I'm, like, nothing will sober you up like the word intervention. And I'm like, listen, let me stop you before you even get there. I have had a problem, and I want to go ahead and admit that, but I've reined it in, and understand, and I'm just, like out of my mind, right? And I convince them everything's going to be be okay I mean just the level of dishonesty and I'm like kind of listening to the conversation and watching these two guys like interact with each other in this real bizarre manner um like we do we're in a graveyard like that's my life where you're like oh my god I'm getting an intervention via telephone at the graveyard so but it is what it is so anyway it gets real weird and I'm driving around all the time. These guys have gone away. These people in general have gone away, and I live to get loaded. I don't come out during daylight hours. I keep very dark, weird hours. I wake up at 5pm. I go to bed at 5am. Don't ask me to do anything like go to the grocery store or get my oil changed. I don' t know how to be around people. I stopped going to the grocery store because I just couldn't handle it. My mom would go and get food, and she would drop it off at my house. It just got very pitiful. And that's how I lived my life. And I sat in the garage and I chain smoked and I drank and I hated you. And that is what that looked like. I wasn't sure who I hated more, you or me. I couldn't decide. But that is when I spent my time pondering. And when nightfall, I would drive the back country roads and listen to music in a dark depression and throw beer bottles out the window and get high and I did what I did. And that happened for a very, very long time until, gosh, 2003, 2004. And people reached out to me and tried to help me. I had lied. I stopped going around people. So it was very easy to lie over the phone and tell them I'm still in school. I'm Still working. I'm Stil doing stuff. And they kept me in a very good moment, like in a small window. I could convince them. so when my dad's health began to fail due to his alcoholism my stepmom called me and said we're going to have to do an intervention on your dad and I'm like I'm on it you know but I'm in it to win it with this and so I'm still having an email of God I read it not long ago within this past year and it was telling her we just need to pray like we've never prayed before and we need to come together and this will be okay And it's like, what are you saying? Look at the way you're living your life. But I am an absolute liar. I live a double life. And the reality is I didn't know that there was a different way for me. I could see that you people were doing it successfully. You were living these lives where you were happy and you were free and you had a light hearted and you laughed things off. And it was just the weirdest thing I'd ever seen. But I knew that that would never be the case for me So I go home to do this intervention on my father, meet with the pastor. And the pastor wants to blame my father for my drinking. And I'm like, phew, I'm not bored with that. If we can pin anything on anybody else, I will sign up for that. And mind you, my father is my closest friend. Love and adore that man. Absolutely do. But if you come close to my drinking, I'll roll over on you like that. that. I mean, in any other circumstance in life, I'll take the blame. I mean, like I said, I'm a martyr. I'm like, oh, that was me. Let's just find a solution and move on. I will absolutely take the claim. You look at my drinking and want to come at me, I roll over on you. And so we go home to do this intervention and I'm watching him. He's standing in the he's loaded, but he's not drunk and we can't figure out what he's on or what he is doing. And he's too messed up to do the intervention and he's standing back bedroom. The master bedroom is on the end of the house and I walk back there and kind of sneak up on him and I'm watching him. And it's like the weirdest thing I've ever seen. And he's standing in the mirror and he's talking to himself and he's doing that thing where he sways and he talks to himself. And, you know what I'm saying? Like make yourself feel better. And I'm thinking he's 50 at the time, 49, 50. Um, and I'll be like, two and I'm thinking, I could make it. Like not the drinking is going to kill me. It's about to. I'm physically almost as bad as him. But I'm thinking, what if I made it to 50 continuing to live the way that I live? I'd rather die. I'd really die. And that was the fear that kind of sank in like, oh my my God, this could never end. Ever. It could go on forever. And I'd already reconciled with the fact that my life was going to be like this sickness that I'd уже lived in. But I didn't expect to live forever. I'd early picked out funeral songs. Right? I mean, I was expecting to die at some point in the very near future, in my early 20s. And it frightened me to think that, oh my God. I could live to be 50 this way. And I remember I left his house and I got out on the back country roads And I called my mother, who I feared. I feared she's got a master's degree. She was in the Miss Texas pageant. She can do anything she sets her mind to. Bright, beautiful, determined woman. I could never measure up to her, ever. And I remember I called her and I just, she said, how did the intervention go? How's your dad? Is everything okay? And I said, Mom, I'm an alcoholic and I need some help. And as soon as those words flew out, I went, oh, dear God. Real meccan. Because I had gone to her for help before. Mom, I'm drinking. Things are out of control. There's bad situations going on. I don't know what to do. And her answer for that was, Audrey, you need to knock it off. Which sounds like a viable solution, doesn't it? Grow up. Make better decisions. Decisions, get responsible, make a better choice. And so I'm armed with that decision and I can't pull it off and I fail over and over and ever wondering why, why? So I say these words to her and she said, we need to do something. And I'm like, absolutely, I've got to go somewhere. Like I need some help. I'm not attending school. I'm no working. I don't know about y'all but when I can work, what I do is I go work for my family. Because you don't have to show up, but you can still draw a paycheck. It's a beautiful thing. So I stopped showing up at their agency a long time ago, but I was continuing to draw income very dishonestly from them. Always promising, I've got a stomach ache. Oh, I'm going to go to the doctor. Oh, no, I haven't got this. Oh, i've got that. I can't even tell you. Like the round of doctor's visits where they do the endoscope and go down and we're trying to figure out what's wrong with her stomach as I'm vomiting vodka on them. You know? Oh! Problem. So she's like, Audrey, I need you to stay sober and come home. And we're going to figure this out. And I'm like, we're gonna have to do something. I don't know what that looks like, but we'll have to do something so I go home immediately get loaded. The very thought of never taking a drink again is horrifying to me. It horrifies me almost as much as the thought of continuing to drink the way that I drank. rank. And so I go back and get loaded the way I get loaded, and we decide that I need to go somewhere and be confined for a period of time because I am not somebody, and this happens, I sponsor women like this, I have friends like this that can come in off the street inside the rooms and get sober and stay sober, and that's a beautiful thing. I'm not knocking that. I am a woman who can't stay away from it for a day. I mean a day, and so I'm willing to go away somewhere I'm like please take me somewhere I can't do this and so my mom's flipping through the back of a phone book a Denton phone book and we find this facility down in South Texas so we, I think it's like on a Monday we decide to do this and on Thursday is the day of check-in. We've got that small little window of about to go to treatment time and I didn't know you could show up at treatment loaded I was so angry when I got there two-day drive with my mother a little overnight action nothing in my system right i'm just like detoxing on the way down and my mom is like so positive and cheerful i'm like oh my goodness it's gonna be fabulous and you're gonna find out what you drink and be like summer camp i'm late i hate summer camp I hate people. Please don't try to be positive about this, and I'm real clear I drink because of you, so we don't need to do any therapy around that. I understand what's happening. I show up down there, everyone's loaded, I'm angry, get out of the car. I'm one of those girls that I will, like Marsha, I will bite the inside of my mouth until I bleed before I cry in front of you. I just won't. I just want. fault. And it's a funny thing that happens when you remove the solution from my life. I come unglued. It's a fun thing, family members, isn't it? You get them here. You remove the substance and think this is going to be great. And they lose their minds. Because you have removed the only solution that we have and we will just lose it. So I remember I'm crying to the intake nurse and I'm like who's a male intake nurse and I don't know if I can do this and you know how they are they just shuffle you in like cattle you're fine baby and I remember my mom saying she later told me this she said I told them when they were back there doing the strip search which is fabulous and all that stuff that you are sensitive you get to be easy with this one she is sensitive she said they looked at her and said oh honey they all are they're all sensitive so I get down there they begin to talk about the solution to alcoholism and drug addiction in a way in which I had never heard it I had been to some meetings, court order and I figured out you could sign your own paper and I was like no had my mom sign in my paper she signed it all in the same handwriting and the same color pen I was like really though you couldn't throw a left hand in there the judge looking at this get with it anyway so I had a couple weird experiences in AA where I showed up somebody told their story one night and then another night it was like a topic meeting it was very bizarre there was a solution in the room them. I didn't hear it, but again, I wasn't searching for it at that time. So when I got there, I was in there for AA. It was in their for 12 steps. I was there to get some separation from my problem, get on a treadmill, start taking some vitamins, get some sleep, you know, do these kinds of things. And they started talking about the big book and the solution and I'm like, hold up. What are you saying that I'm not a bad person? Are you? Are Are you saying that I don't do this because I don' t care about myself or the people around me? And they started talking about the allergy in my body. And I'm thinking, oh my God, I'm not allergic to alcohol. I can put it away. This is not a problem for me. But then they go on to explain this phenomenon of craving and I'm like, that's why I do what I do. That's why when you guys leave, I continue to drink. That's while when I'm on the floor and I can't walk or speak, I am searching for another drink. I remember being arrested one time and they said you shouldn't be able to stand your blood alcohol level yet much less drive and I'm like buddy I've got a case waiting for me at the house I'm not even done because my body demands that I have more and more and suddenly things begin to click into place and this inability to make a decision and stick with it around staying away from alcohol for good and for all and I am like oh my god and that's why dad does what he does and it just clicks. I'm sick, you know? And it was probably some of the best information I had ever gotten, ever gotten because it meant that if there was a problem and I wasn't just a piece of you-know-what, there might be a way out for me. I didn't believe that there would be but I was willing to do some searching for it. They gave me the number of a woman in Dallas named Julie and she was here last month. She was here. She's crazy. And they said, you need to call this lady when you get back to Dallas and let her sponsor you. Let her take you through the work. And I got excited about sobriety. I'm listening to speaker tapes. I mean, I'm burning them up. I've got a big book I'm highlighting. I mean it's just like, oh my God, a whole new world came into view. And I get home because it's like a bubble here. right i get home and life looms large i have created a storm and it's waiting on me and i get homed and i'm a broken fragile child at 22 years old body that is just worn out and um and i show up at this group called primary purpose in dallas and there's a hundred people there i don't do people right i'm like oh god and when i first got sober i always wore a baseball ball hat and I would pull it down over my eyes so I didn't have to look at you. I wouldn't make eye contact, I didn's speak, I was very bizarre. I remember when I went back to the Strickland Center for an annual reunion they didn't know who I was because I would slide in the back door and sit down and I'd never say anything. Julie was voted worst patient ever. No, I'm just kidding. But she was like least likely to succeed or something like that. They were chasing her down on a golf cart just like you women that run down this hill. We chased some of y'all too. too, I remember. Tracy's good. Tracy always catches them. You know what I mean? She's good. So I get back to Dallas and I hear Julie speak and she is powerful. And it scared me to death. I was like, I don't know about all this. But as time progressed and I wasn't doing the work, I got worse away from a drink. It was the most bizarre thing I had ever seen. I was still scared of what you thought I still had no ambition I was frightened to speak to people I didn't want to go anywhere I didn'y want to do anything and it just all of a sudden clicks like I'm getting ready to get loaded I spent six months crazy inside the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous early on and at six months sober I can't decide should I drink and try to stay because I put everybody on notice I'm in recovery I'm always like I'm going to put everybody everybody on notice. So I'm like, I can't decide if I'm going to drink and stay and try to run game on everybody, and I know that's not going to work, or if I should just drink and go away because I'm that uncomfortable without bourbon in the solution of the 12 steps. I'm at that halfway point where I watch a lot of us stay forever. For years, you could stay there, and it's very unfortunate because it doesn't have to be that way. So I show up one night at 10 o'clock at Julie's house, and and I'm like, I'm losing it. And she can see it. She begins to take me through the work that night. It's 4 o'clock in the morning. We're on our knees doing a third-step prayer. I was convinced that my alcoholism was getting ready to kill me at that point. I was convincing. And I'm going to tell you something. I love willingness. I love to sponsor somebody with willingness, but give me desperation. It just sends chills all down my legs. And I used to listen to a guy in my group, JK, that would say that, give me desperate. desperation you start sponsoring people with some desperation it is a joy an absolute joy to watch them light on fire right so we we burn through these steps and in a matter of less than a week probably um we've done my fifth step i've done six and seven i'm starting to make amends um and i'm working from a place of i don't ever want to live like this again drunk or sober you know and i began to chase this solution and i remember leaving her house one afternoon we've have done some sort of step work, I'm sure. And I remember thinking to myself, I could do this forever. I could get excited about this way of life, really. Not just being in the meetings and saying hi and highlighting and playing the game like we do. I can get excited about living these steps and living these principles. And my life began to change and and it's never been the same. I got to make so many amends. I love there's a picture of Cliff over there. I got to make amends to my family and watch that stuff come back together. I remember making amends to my grandfather. My grandfather is an amazing man. Amazing. Came from nothing. Just so spiritually grounded, it's not even funny. He taught me so much and I burned him up. I got sober. where he sold that house which I had turned into it's like a brand new neighborhood brand new homes going up lots of families lots of happiness and you know there's that one house nobody ever mows the lawn there's beer cans somebody's pick up his part sideways and they're like oh god I'm half naked out there smoking cigarette like jeez he's like we're selling that house you can live with your mother which is a no-no or you can come and live with me and I lived with him he put me through college I mean, set me on a path to success and I seize every opportunity that man has given me. I owe so much to him. It's not even funny. And I remember going to make amends to him and I sat down. I'm like, Papa, I was wrong in the following ways. You know, part of what I'm doing in sobriety is that I'm setting straight some things that I've made wrong. And I listed that stuff out and told him where I was selfish and dishonest and inconsiderate and asked him that important question. What can I do to make this right with you? you. And I'm fully expecting the, uh, you keep doing what you're doing, sweet pea. Right? He's like, I was like, you know, he's like you can pay your bills on time. You can show up where you're supposed to be and show up on time you can be the woman that God called you to be. I mean, he laid that out. I'm so mad. I walk away from the resentment, but But I'm going to tell you something. Every time I pay a bill, my dad was like, he had a list. My son said, you can keep it organized then. And every time that I do those things, I'm making amends to that man. Every time i am the woman that God calls me to be, I'm setting it straight with my grandfather. What a cool thing. What an opportunity for me, right? So I get to reassemble. My stepfather asked me to stop taking the captioning off his TV. That's what he wanted me to do. I mean, this is a man that has watched me come home from jail and then like burn out of a bar so loaded while the policemen are watching. I mean I'm horrified. This normal person, you know, he's the only one in my family that's normal. I've horrified him and he's like, I don't know, just stop taking the captioning off my TV. And I'm like, tears, you Know, it's very dramatic. And I am like, that's it? Really? Okay. I know he wishes he had a do-over today. Now we just have time to think on it. So I got to set those things right. And Julie taught me how to live in 10, 11, and 12 and the simplicity of what this looks like to do it consistently. Because when you're sitting in these chairs and somebody says, hey, I'm eight years sober, you're like, no way, no wait. I couldn't even fathom that. I remember the guy that worked at the place I was, he was like, yeah, I don't know. I'm 16 years sober. I'm like, buddy, I's not gonna make it 16 days. I can't even imagine. And do I wanna be sober 16 years? I don't know. I mean, my thought is like, are we just going to start going to church picnics? Are we going to be playing bingo? I mean... God, what is life going to look like now that we're not going to have any more fun? My life was horrible. But I was like, oh, please don't take away the fun. But I couldn't understand what it would look like long term. I just didn't know And so Julianne Cliff taught me how to live these principles in step 10 and stay current. You know, the steps four through nine take care of the past. They set me straight with that. But then the question becomes, how do I live today without bourbon? How do I do that? What happens when I'm dishonest with somebody? Because I am. What happens if I don't live today? I'm inconsiderate of your feelings? Because I will be. Let's please don't give you the impression that just because you got clean and sober that you're going to walk on water. You won't. You won' t. I remember early sobriety. I'm trying to get it right always. Just like, I'm just trying to be perfect. I felt I had been so bad before that I had to be perfect. I remember I called Cliff on the phone one day, and I'm like, I messed up, I did this, I said that. And he's like, well, it's hell having to be human when you want to walk on water, isn't it? And I'm Like, got to go, Cliff. But it's true. And they taught me how to set things straight as I went. They taught me How to pray and meditate. And I wanted to do it like you did it. And I Wanted to be as good as she was. And what's cool about step 11 is that you grow into a relationship with the power of God. And it looks very different on me than it's going to look on you. But there's some simple disciplines that we can do. But I'm going to tell you something. I'm having an absolute love affair with God. How cool is that? I heard a guy say that a couple years ago, and I was like, what? What? And when you grow in to it as you will, you see this is about a relationship with the power, right? This is not about alcohol. This is não é sobre o doce. Isso é sobre como eu vivo sem essas coisas em uma base consistente e ser feliz. Eu não penso nessas coisas mais exceto quando estou em uma instância e estou falando com alguém sobre isso. Você sabe? Quão legal é isso? Quão cool é isso que eu consigo trabalhar com muitas mulheres? Você sabe, eu consigo trabajar com algumas women realmente fenomenal. Eu tive que dar birthday night And my group was, I guess last weekend or week before last, I got to give a woman that I sponsor a two-year chip. And I got up and I said, I want to be like her. And it's true. This is an amazing person who lives this program. And I'm like, God, I don't want to do this. I want more like her, you know? But we all have these character defects and these things that stand in our way. And the program will show you how to live with them in spite of yourself. You know, I didn't get perfect just because I got sober. And I'll tell you, my dad got sober about a year after I did. And there was a point in time when this older gentleman on this wall back here, this crazy bald-headed man, was trying to sponsor him long distance, and his wife was dying at the time. And he said, Audrey, I've done step one with your dad. I can't work with him on two and three. My wife is dying. I need you to go and work with them and do steps two and two. Steps two and step three with your Dad. And I'm like, is that allowed? Like, is not the game? I got to get alone with my father and take him through steps two and three. How precious is that? How precious, right? It's the coolest thing. My stepsister is newly clean again after having some bumps in the road. One of my other sisters, two years clean. My mom picked up her 30-day chip this week. I'm like, everybody sit down. Got you all situated. Everybody sit down. But it's a cool thing, because I came on the scene with a family that was still off the chain. Except for my stepfather, who's like the only normal person. And he's like, what do we do? All these crazy women. I mean, it's like... Oh, Ronald, I'm so sorry. I mean... You know? It is what it is. But I'm here to tell you that I love when it talks about... I don't want to try to quote it, because otherwise I'll misquote it. On page 98. Some of my favorite, favorite stuff. It's really short. Don't panic. panic it says burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone the only condition is that he trusting god and clean house i can't tell you how many of you i listen to go but you don't understand here's my situation i'm like no boo you don' understand i come from some craziness i'm here to tell you that i have walked through more in sobriety than i ever thought about loaded right i buried my father four years ago and he was sober Wilbur had an accidental tragic death. I got to get up from the podium with his big book and quote his favorite stuff. That's the power of God. That's cool stuff. I walked away from a man who I wanted to marry because God called me. I'm going to tell you something. If you make a decision to do what's in this text, if you make it a decision that you're going to marry him, to really follow the power of God, expect to be questioned by people around you. Expect to be misunderstood. Expect to being talked about. Who cares? you're clean, you're sober you are in line with God's will could there be anything better I'm here to tell you there's not except for sober sex it's really good you would not expect it to be less it's true because that's another thing I know y'all are sitting out there going this is going to be terrible it's not, it's going to be fabulous Fabulous. Parents are horrified. But let me tell you, and I'll hush in a minute because I know you guys got to get out of here. But if it was anything less than phenomenal to work this program and live this life, we wouldn't be here. I mean, they're not paying me to come down here and tell you like, let's give them a good pep talk and tell them it's going to be good. And it's not. it's a phenomenal way to live and here's the cool thing that alcohol and drugs they made the bad times bearable and the good times phenomenal here's what's even cooler the 12 steps make the bad days bearable and the bad things phenomenal they just do it's an absolute replacement so much more than you could ever expect getting to take another person through the steps and watching their life change, until you have that experience, you will never know. And I remember people saying that when I got sober. They're like, there's nothing like working with people. It's the bright spot of my day. And I thought, you're a loser. I'm here for me. And all of a sudden, there's a fellowship that grows up about you that you get to be a part of and you think it's going to make you arrogant. And it doesn't. That's what's cool is that you gets to step back and go, that's not about me. I'm so small in the part of this. And when you do get arrogant, God will smack you down. It'll be like that little game at Chuck E. Cheese. When your ego pops up and they'll just be smacking it left and right. And if you have a good sponsor, they'll assist you with that. But I'm here to tell you that if you haven't really submitted to this, it won't work. It won't works. You and I are people that live our lives in half measures. We always have. I'll submit just enough to get by and get my little thing stamped and then I'm out and if you really want to be a part of this program better go all in do it like you did when you were getting loaded I pushed all my chips in the table I'd have thrown away everything I mean think about it what would it what did it look like for you to get your next whatever right you'd have throw it away everybody and everything kicking over old ladies trying to get get one more and then all of a sudden we get sober and it's like why don't I have time for that that, really? Go all in or go home. You are wasting your parents' time and money. Go all in or come home. And if you want to go all in, we'll do anything to help you. It's the coolest ride ever. I appreciate you guys. Thanks so much.