Incoherent Around English Speakers So Naturally I Moved to Tijuana and Expected Clarity – Butch

Let's see. As you heard earlier, one of our speakers bowed out at the last minute, and I was going to be her host and introduce her on Sunday morning. And so then I found out at 8 o'clock yesterday morning that she wasn't coming. And, you know, fortunately, Chip and Sean and I don't know who else, jumped into the breach and shifted people around and did what they had to do so that now we have actually what I think is perfect because, Larcine, I want to thank you for your wonderful story. You grew up in my house. We have the same father. And... So now we are fortunate enough to have Larcine's husband be the next speaker, which is perfect, right? And since I just met him a couple hours ago, I didn't get a chance to find out too much about him. But one thing I know for sure is that he is, you know, willing and flexible. And when, you know, AA calls, he answered. And so... But... Larcine told the first half of my life story. I think the last half of my life story may kind of parallel some of Butch's. But we'll find out now. I'm very pleased to introduce to you Butch. Okay, thanks. My name is Butch. I'm an alcoholic. And I want to thank you for having my wife and I here. This? Okay. A little joke there. Okay. Uh-huh. Anyway, yeah, it's a real privilege to be here. And I'm honored you guys asked me to come and share my life with you as you shared yours with me. And I'm real grateful for that. Well, you heard my wife. What can I say? You know, I'm busted. No, it's a good deal. I'm glad you guys asked me, you know. The alcoholic head, as soon as someone asks you something that you haven't planned, it's like, no. You know, and I've learned in this program that that part of you that says no is your alcoholism trying to get you to go out to drink again in whatever capacity. You know, so I was trying to remember that one. I think it's opportunities come along for any kind of action in alcoholics. And all of a sudden, my head gives me the old no. It's my alcoholism trying to treat me again. You know, and it's you guys taught me that. And it's saved my life. And I want to thank you for that. Let me see. You know, I get up and just, you know, you do it immediately. It's all the time. So you say, I'm butchering an alcoholic. And you just kind of roll rolls off your tongue. And, you know, and you just go on with what's going on. I always like to try when I can and remember what it takes to be able to say that out loud. You know, what a cost it is to so many people to be able to just admit to yourself that you're an alcoholic. Because so many people die without being able to do that behind the same disease that I have. You know, and I am real grateful that I've gotten the chance to continue with my. My recovery and to make that statement on a daily basis since I first got here. And understanding more about it as it went along. Because at first I didn't quite understand what the disease was that was killing me. You know, I just knew something was wrong. And it needed fixing in a big way. And I met you guys. And you started sharing your lives with me. And what you were doing to not repeat the behavior that I've been doing all my life. And it just amazed me. And I'm really going to thank you for that. Thank you for that. And it's thread. We all have been run. Run through. We all have running through each other that saves our lives. You know, no matter what this thing tries to tell you. Like, oh, no, don't do that. You know, that might be too good for you. Just try and quiet that down. Well, I'm going to start at the beginning. And this is going to really be slow if I don't. Or really quick if I don't. I'm one of nine children. I have six sisters and two brothers. And we were raised in Catholic religion. Excuse me a second. I need some water. And I'm like the black sheep guy in the family. As it turns out. And being raised in the Catholic religion was, you know, I mean, however it was with you, if you're Catholic, that's fine. But for me, it had some really good points and some really bad points. I remember as a young child being in school and they would talk about God. And they would say what I had to do to, you know, to earn, like, God's love. And, like, God would love you if you do. And you do this and you do that. And when I did that, I got a really good feeling about life, about things in general. You know, I felt I was doing the right stuff. It just felt good to me. And at the same time, there's so many rules. And being an aspiring, blooming alcoholic, the rules got a little hard to follow all the time. So I always had this, you know, looking back, I had this conflict going on, you know. And the longer I was, you know, the older I got, the harder it was to, like, follow. And I took it all quite literally. So, like, you know, during the day, I'd go to hell three times and heaven three times. It was like this back and forth big emotional thing. And it just got to be where I just had to ignore the whole thing. You know, that's just what it did to me. It doesn't do it to everybody, but that's the way I reacted. You know, and but the nice part about it is I've learned to turn that negative stuff around. And I have a higher power that works in my life today. And where me and God are buds. And that's a good thing. You know, I'd like to say first, when I first got to Alcoholics Anonymous, and you started talking about, you know, how we lived our lives and that stuff, it dawned on me that I had never really taken the time to take a look at how I was living or what was going on with me long enough to get any kind of information about myself. I was always too busy getting through the next emotional mess or the mess I'd made. However. You know, getting past that, trying to bury the guilt, trying to bury the remorse and on to the next thing. So I never took time to was able to take a look at anything that went on in my life. It's not until I got to AA and got away from the alcohol that I got to take a look at what had been going on all my life and try and make some sense out of this confusion that I had going on. And and I want to thank you guys for that, you know, because it was a it was a lost situation. When I first got here in AA, they talked about where, you know, we're like abnormally fearful in a lot of areas. And and that hit home with me, too, because I remember as an early child, I had some things that happened that stayed with me all through my life that that just made no sense. You know, when I first went to kindergarten the first day, my mom brought me off and I was doing the deal of kindergarten. And they said, well, we take a nap in the afternoon. And so it's nap time. And so I got up and took. I've all my clothes, but my underwear and I was the only one in class that did it. Of course, you know, they thought it was funny, too, but but I didn't. You know, I was just like, ah, this freaked me out. And what I did was I never went back to kindergarten. You know, that was my last day in kindergarten. You know, that's just what happened with me. I would not go back. And that's, you know, I'm like five years old and I'm already doing behaviors like that. You know, and then the first day I went to a to grade school. We lived right across the street from the school. And my sisters have been going there for years. I've been watching them walk across the street, you know, with a little uniform on and doing their deal and seemed to be fine. And I was all ready to do it to myself. You know, I was over there the first day waiting to go to class. And the bell rang as soon as the bell rang off ring. I my stomach did like a three quarter turn and I just ran, took off like a dart, ran across the street back in the house, you know. And I didn't see anyone else running, you know, doing that kind of stuff. And I kind of. Well, what's going on? What's going on here? But as a kid, I just didn't I didn't know. I didn't know what that was all about. I know if I had maybe a shot or two of whiskey, the bill would have been just fine. You know, that's true. You know, I really know that. But at the time I didn't know. And I just thought, well, that's just, you know, odd. And I had to go back to school. My mom wasn't going to let me skip at that time because kids are moving along. You know, kids would come along pretty good there. And it was my turn to get out of the house and so much of school and, you know, got introduced to the nuns of love, as I like to call them. And they're well intentioned people. You know, they they gave it their best. But like I was saying earlier, I really got that conflict going on about, you know, God loving me and the way they kind of like expressed it from time to time. It was a little confusing to me. But I did, like I say, I got a God that I that I learned to reevaluate when I got to AA from that experience. Went on through grade school and we moved from. We just live on 60th and Crenshaw in Los Angeles. We moved from. We just live on 60th and Crenshaw in Los Angeles. We moved from. We just live on 60th and Crenshaw in Los Angeles. We moved from. We just live on 60th and Crenshaw in Los Angeles. And moved down towards the beach, started going to school there. And, you know, time went on and I kind of like wasn't much of a student. I like looking out the windows, watching the birds and stuff. You know, I wasn't really much of a I need a lot of a lot of instruction. You know, I need like if I'd had the group of like Alcoholics Anonymous around me in school to help me go through stuff, I might have done a lot better as a student. But that wasn't going on. So. So I just kind of like, you know, they just kind of like pass you from grade to grade and got into high school and early teens. We started surfing, going on the beach, surfing all the time. And that was a lot of fun. Love that sport. And around 15, we started guys. I was running around. We started drinking some beer there. You know, they had the older brothers and they we were in Manhattan Beach doing our deal. And they lived over in Hermosa Beach, the older brothers. And they would get us on the drink. So we go down, walk down to Hermosa Beach and get a get some. We had a beer there. That's when we started our drinking. And we used to try and we'd get our court of country club, I'm all luckier to drink. And then if we try and what we'd walk back along the strand, drinking our beer, and if we got home without throwing up we're getting arrested, it was like a successful night drinking. You know? And it was cool. And the first time I had a drink, it wasn't any big thing to me. It wasn't, you know, the skies didn't part or any of that stuff. But I really liked the thought that I've I guess I was kind of like getting away with something and not getting caught. I really liked that. I really liked that feeling, you know, of being able to do that on my own. It had nothing to do with anything else that was around, and I remember that part of it. And then when I was 17, this was in the 60s, 17, just before I graduated high school. I graduated in 64, and drugs started coming from San Francisco through the South Bay, and I never questioned taking a drink, whether I should or shouldn't, and I never questioned anything about the drugs. It just was there. We just did it. And not everyone does that, you know. So I might have had a problem way back then, obviously, but I never gave it a thought. And as time went on, it started to work for me, you know, the alcohol, and I really enjoyed that. You know, like it does for me. I figured, well, if you could be drunk, why would you want to do anything else? You know, so work got to be a big bother. So I had to say. But, I mean, that's the way it was. It was just what happened. And what I would do is I started a deal where my dad was a general building contractor, and I grew up in the trades, and so I used to work, you know, through the winter most of the time. And then when summer would start to come, I'd get off work and go on unemployment and collect unemployment and surf during the summer and just mess around. I used to like to do that. But, you know, as I got older in life, I kept doing that cycle, and it doesn't work very good when you have a wife. You know, and kids. And, you know, they actually talk about it in the big book how you work to get things built up, and then you just tear it down after a sense of sprees. And I was doing that cycle over and over and over again, and didn't even really know it. You know, I was thinking I was doing the right thing, and anything that got in the way of that was the wrong thing. And I come to learn that there's the alcoholism right in the face. Anyway, went on with that, and drinking more, and I started, you know, enjoying the drinking a lot. And like I was saying, it got me drunk. It got in the way of the work a lot. And let me see what I do after that. Gee, it's been a while. It's interesting. I always get, I've never followed my wife speaking before. And when I hear her talk, I relive that whole episode and all my life with her and all my drinking. And it really affects me emotionally because it's a real deal, you know. And I'm so moved by how different my life is today when I hear her talk. It just reminds me so much about how wonderful this life experience is we're going through right now. And it kind of like throws me a little bit, you know. It's not a bad thing. It's just different. You know, I'm grateful for all this. Anyway, you know, drinking kept going on, and attitude was not improving. I traded a, I can't remember what it was exactly. I think it was some money in a panel truck for a car and a motorcycle. I started riding this motorcycle around in this little rigid frame Triumph 50. I think it was 50. Yeah, it had a sprung hub. Anyway, I started riding around the beach with some guys. And me and another guy were riding, you know, headed towards Torrance. And these two girls were hitchhiking. And, of course, we had to politely pull over to give them a ride. I mean, you know. And that's where I met my first wife, and I immediately fell in love because I'm not shallow, you know. She had all the requirements of a good relationship, you know. But that's the way it was, you know. And we started going out, and somehow she got pregnant. I don't know. I don't know how those women are. And so her dad thought it would be a good idea, you know, if we got married. He said, you can either go, you know, Vietnam was going on. He said, I'll either make sure you get to go to Vietnam and be in the Army, or you have to marry my daughter. And I was, you know, so infatuated with the love thing that I figured, well, I can either go in the Army or I can stay back and have sex with this girl. Well, what are you going to do? You know, I mean, that's the basis of my first marriage. You know, a real deep thinker, you know. I'll tell you. And then we went out all, you know, we were together for a while. I had a daughter from that marriage, and she's doing really well now. She lives in Seattle, and she has two grandchildren by her, and she has a master's in severe special needs and works with kids up in Seattle. She's done really, really well. And I haven't seen her mom in a long time, but we would always say she uses the brains that neither her nor I ever bothered to even touch. So God bless her, you know. And it's good. You know, that's all all right now. Anyway, when I got sober, I looked back, you know, at that whole thing, and I was so surprised that the marriage didn't last, you know. I said, God, I'm looking at it now. It's kind of funny, but at the time it was just so dead serious, you know, all the agony and the pain, you know. My marriage is broken up. I'm not with my wife anymore, and the baby's with her, and blah, blah, blah, you know. It doesn't matter that, honestly, I couldn't have taken care of a kid by myself. You know, that has nothing to do with it. You just got to use it as a reason to drink, and that's what I did. I would always use, you know. I'll sit around and listen to Moonlight Sonata in the dark and drink whiskey and wonder why things are so screwed up feeling, you know. It's just pitiful. Jesus. But I thought it was the right thing to do. And I went on with that for a while, and things were not getting any better for me. And, you know, there was a period there when I used to try to get over and, like, get connected with my daughter, but her mom and I were not getting along at all, and we ended up fighting all the time. So I just. I just stopped doing that because it got to be too crazy. Anyway, I went and did some other things, you know, back to the parents' house, living there. And my sister had moved up to Alaska, and she said, you know, it was Ketchikan, Alaska, and she said, you can come up here and do some work. You know, you can go to logging camp, and they put you on an island so you can't spend your money. And so you could probably save up some money and get something going on. So I thought that was a good idea. And what prompted that was, you know, every so often I'd go along and I would just not be happy with the drinking that was going on. I just would feel that it had to be something changed. I didn't quite know what should be changed. And drinking was never the problem for me. You know, it never dawned on me that I had a problem with alcohol or that I was an alcoholic until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and you guys told me about yourselves, that I understood that I had the problem. Until then, it was always, I always figured I was a little crazy, and the drinking kind of let that out. You know. But the drinking was not the problem, you know. But anyway, one of these times I felt I should change something. And, you know, I've come to learn that it's called the geographic. So I thought I would go to my sister's house. So I went up there to catch Canalaska to go to logging camp. And it turns out her father-in-law was a bartender. Yeah, perfect landing, huh? As a bartender. And so it was every other drink was for free, and the bars opened until 5 in the morning and reopened at 6, you know. So I drank a lot up there. And they had some stuff called Everclear, which is a 190-proof drinking alcohol. And I got introduced to that there. I used to drink that with Nesbitt's orange juice sometimes. It made you a little hoarse, but it worked, you know. And I never gave a second thought about drinking that either, you know. I could have burned a hole in you big time, but just did that. And I started to work the pulp mill for a while, and then that whole thing got kind of funky. And so I moved back down to my lucky parent's house. Here he comes again. And. And I was there for a little while, working some, and just kind of bounce around and see what to do. And, you know, my drinking's getting worse. And a friend of mine had lived in Point Loma, which is down by San Diego. And he said, well, come on down here. We're hanging drywall at this resort they're making up towards, I forget the name, La Costa. They were building that place at the time, and it was a big to-do. And so we were going, you know, I was living down in Point Loma with him, and we were hanging the drywall at this resort there. We were making, and what he used to do on weekends was go down to Tijuana, and he had a girlfriend down there in one of those beautiful bars, you know. Lovely places, lovely women, a real good idea. So I started going down to Tijuana with him, you know, on Friday nights. We'd go down there and spend the weekend and come back up. And then we got to thinking, you know, why don't we just move down to Tijuana, you know. Another career move for me. And. So we went right to this place by the bullring by the sea in Tijuana and was hanging out there. And I'm incoherent around people speaking English, you know, and I'm going down to Mexico where they don't speak much English at all. I wonder why I'm feeling even weirder. I was there for a little while, not too long, and some stuff started. I came back up here and what was going on, some friends of mine were, what I know now, dying from the disease of alcoholism. But at the time, it was just God being lame again. And killing these friends of mine, because that's the way life was, you know. It was a whole, it was an all-stack deal. You know, a good friend of mine that I spent some time, used to surf with as a kid, and he split up with his wife and was living next door. And he went to commit suicide one night and he turned all the ovens and all that stuff on and fell asleep. And then he woke up in the morning and forgot he'd done that and lit a cigarette. And yeah, it was pretty bad. Blew the apartment building. And. And he lived through it for a while, you know, and he walked outside and he was like a briquette. And that was pretty bad. And again, it was, you know, God being lame and being mean, you know, it didn't have anything to do with him being drunk all the time. But you know, I didn't see that then. And he passed on. And so I just, you know, got a little deeper into the resentment there. And then my ex-wife's sister died soon after that. And it was the same thing, you know. Same reason behind her death. But again, it was, here we go, you know. It's just more of this crap again. And my attitude was getting pretty low. And I started running with some guys who'd come back from Vietnam, just kind of hanging out with them. And my bike would run sometimes. And sometimes it wouldn't. But I was hanging out with these biker guys. And we, and I enjoyed that because there was no question on why are we here today. You know, we're going to go to the office this afternoon. None of that stuff came up. It was just, let's just get it on and see how high we can get today and leave it at that. And I, you know, so I started doing that. And right after that, I started, made a little run of being a heron. And I started running. I was a heroin addict, you know. And but luckily, the people I was running around with were just as spaced as I was. And they couldn't get it on a regular basis. So I just did that for a while. And then, you know, I just kind of went away from it. I got hepatitis from it and got real sick. Back at mom's house, mom and dad's house turned yellow, doing all that stuff. And you know, so often things would be okay. And it was one of these okay periods when I was recovering from that sickness that my brother said, oh, my girlfriend. She has a friend who would, wants to go out on a date. And I said, oh, that sounds good. You know, let's do that. And that's where I met Larcene. We were on a blind date with her. And she's special right off the bat, as soon as I saw her walk off the front porch of her house there. You know, I just knew she was special. She wasn't special enough to make me stop drinking or anything like that. But there's just something special about her right from the get-go. And it's been great. And thanks. We've been, we just celebrated 37 years of marriage in this last few years. And it's been great. Thank you. It's the 11th of this month. And, you know, you guys get the applause for that, because without A.A. and Alan on, this thing would not be going on any longer, because we did our best to thrash it behind this disease. You know, even though we tried it at times, but it always got the better of us. Anyway, so we started going out. And those women, you know, she got pregnant again. You know, they do that somehow. And so we went out. We went out. We got married. But, you know, I had this bohemian lifestyle that I had to hold up to. So I wasn't going to get married just because she was pregnant, man. You know, I mean, hey, man, what's the deal? So after our son was a month old, then we went and got married. And that's when, I like to say, our little war kind of started. She says, what do you mean, little war? But that was my version of it, just a little war started, because she had some really weird idea, like I should go to work on a regular basis. And not drink so much. She's really off the wall with this stuff. Whatever, honey, whatever. And we just kind of started our little war there, you know. I was doing my best to get a load as much as I could. And she was doing her best to try and do something really horrible, like have a nice family life, you know. But I couldn't see it. And it just kind of started going on from there. And my alcohol, looking back now, I can see it where the alcohol was not working like it used to. Because I was getting really bothered by the stuff I would do all the time. You know, before you could just, you know, do stuff and, oh, it doesn't matter. But I would get real disturbed, because I knew I loved my wife and my son and then our second son. And I would always do these things to, like, destroy what I had going on. You know, why would I do that to people that I love? I love being with them. I love being around them. Every so often I, you know, I know now it's the obsession to drink, but I didn't know it then. I would just have to wander off and just be a shithead, so to speak. And it was getting really confusing to me. You know, and again, I didn't ever blame the drinking. Alcohol is not the problem. Like I say, I just think the longer I was alive, the crazier I was feeling. And the alcohol just let this insanity out. And that's where I put it. You know, that's as far as I could come to really looking at it in the eye. And you know, it didn't get any better. I had a lot of opportunities in my life, but I wasn't able to follow through on any of them. You know? It was more important to drink than anything else at times. And a lot of times I really didn't want to wake up any, you know, at all, even though I had some good stuff going on around me. But that's just part of the disease. I never tried suicide, but I just kind of like gave up a lot of times on, because it just seemed like a never ending thing. Anyway, I went along for a while and she went to a doctor. She talked to a doctor or something, and it was one of my periods where I thought, well, I should try and, you know, do something a little different. And she said she talked to this doctor and they had some stuff called anabuse that you could take that would help you. You know, even though I wouldn't say it was the drinking, but this would help you, keep you from drinking. So I started to take that. I took that for two years and didn't drink for two years. And don't do that. Do not stop drinking if you don't have a program. It was the longest two years of my life, I'll tell you. Boy. Because I wasn't doing the blackouts, you know? And that was a freaky thing, too, because I didn't know what a blackout was. You know, I just would miss a few days here and there. And who do you talk to about that? You know, I couldn't talk to my dad or my brothers or my mother or anyone I was running around with about missing a few days here and there. So it was another thing just to like pile in there, you know, to hide. And I did that. And so I did that two years on the anabuse. And what I did was I stopped drinking, you know, when I first started. I stopped my drinking. And then this doctor had put me on Valium when I was like 18. And I had an open prescription for those things. And I was about 30 years old when I went on the anabuse and I stopped taking the Valium and the alcohol and went into like this really freaky week and a half or so of, you know, part of it was DTs, very strange. You know, shadows during the day were doing funny stuff. And I heard a dog bark. I didn't know what it was, what the word to put the sound. I remember watching the Brady Bunch on TV and they scared me to death. I mean, it was real to me, you know. It's funny now. But at the time it was just freaking horrifying because I just sat there in the chair and I was, you know, who am I talking to about this stuff? Nobody. And I was doing, my body's doing all these twitches and jerks. And she's sitting around looking like, well, he's just done something again, you know. And, but after a while I just, it just got too crazy because I wasn't going away. And I ran to the doctor and said, hey, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so he gave me some, of course, you know, some pills to take to calm that down. And the two years that I was on the Antabuse, I felt at any time I was going to fall back into what I know now was that mental state of the DTs because I thought it was just something up here entirely. And so that two years I was like tired from walking. Sometimes okay, but sometimes feeling like I might go back in that and I didn't understand what it was. To me, where I put it with my thinking was that stuff I experienced, you know, which were the DTs, I figured that's how you feel when you aren't loaded on something. You know, that's what I had in my head. That if I wasn't ahead, wasn't on something, that's the way life felt all the time. You know, that's how screwed up my thinking was. The keen alcoholic mind, you know, strikes again, I tell you. It was really, really hellish. Anyway, so I went through that and after a couple of years the doctor mentioned that, you know, this, you're not supposed to do this. You're supposed to take this stuff forever. So you could stop this and do some controlled drinking, whatever that is. But I heard the drinking part. You know, that got really loud. And that's when I started last nine months of my drinking. It was pretty much a blackout for me. And again, I didn't know what blackouts was, but it was pretty much a blackout for me and I know that now. I would either wake up and have a drink in my hand and drink it or wake up and have no drink and wander off to get it. That's all I remember. It was like I would ride along up here every so often. I would be able to take a look at what was going on in front of me and then I would disappear again. You know, that's what was going on my last nine months. It was none of this, you know, let's have a barbecue on the weekend stuff. That was long gone. But I still wasn't blaming the alcohol. It was just I was getting crazier. You know, we're getting closer here. And I remember coming out of a blackout one night in the living room. I'm standing there and I hear myself, you know, I'm like up here looking. And I hear myself laughing hysterically. And then that fast start ranting and raving and cussing and screaming and yelling and then back in the blackout again. You know, that's what was going on in those nine months. And I had a wife and two kids at home, you know. And, of course, when you're in that kind of a condition, you have to drive. So I went out somewhere in there, went out, and thank God the police arrested me for drunk driving. That's when things started to change for me. I remember crying. I cried. I remember coming out of the blackout in the police station. I just opened my eyes. And I heard this voice calmly and quietly say to stop fighting. And it wasn't the cop. It could have been the cop next to me, but that is not how I looked at it. It was no human being saying something, give me a direction or give me an order to do this or don't do this. And I heard this statement made to stop fighting. And when I heard that, I realized I had been resisting something. I didn't know what it was, but I agreed that I shouldn't be doing that, resisting that. And I blew on the breath thingamadoodler, and I felt myself relax in here. And I haven't had a drink since that night. You know, I didn't know what exactly happened. It took me a long time, sober in AA, to understand what that was all about because I didn't think, you know, I'm never going to drink again. That was just a little experience that happened. I woke up in the morning in the drunk tank. And everything looked different to me. It was kind of like one-dimensional is all I can say. This is just, you know, I think, well, it's just another experience for me, you know, another interesting day in my life because it was kind of an odd thing that happened. And I tell you, you know, it's amazing we get here, just amazing. Anyway, my wife came and picked me up, and that was pretty amazing, too, because she didn't say a word, you know, driving home in the car. She says God wasn't working in her life yet. And he was working pretty good in her life then, you know, if you really stop and think about it. But I didn't know what was going on either. I mean, because usually I'm all pissed off because they've arrested a law-abiding citizen just for drinking. I mean, what's up with the cops, you know? But I didn't have anything like that to say that morning. You know, something had changed. And I know now what it is. I didn't know it then. Went home and slept for a few days and then came downstairs and said, you know, that meant nothing. I didn't know what it was. You know, that master piece of understatement, I think I have a problem. I didn't say it with drinking. I said I got a problem. And she said, here's the number at this hospital. And so I called this place, and it turns out it was an alcohol deal. But I still wasn't alcoholic. You know, I went over there. I went in. I just knew I had to do something different. You know, something had to change, and I was fresh out of plans and ideas. And so I went in this place. And thank God it was based on the program Alcoholics Anonymous. And I got there. First they checked me into the psychiatric ward to get in touch with my feelings, whatever that is. I didn't. I said, okay, I'll go along with that, whatever you guys say. And so I was over in the psychiatric ward for a couple weeks, wandering around there. And I still have the belt I made, she talks about. I still got that because I need to keep that. I've got to hang it in the closet, you know. And it kind of, as I was getting away from being high, I started. I noticed how agitated I was. How agitated I'd get from time to time, and then that would cut off a little bit. So I knew something was changing. I didn't really know what. And I also got very grateful once I got into Alcoholics Anonymous that I didn't have to stay in the psychiatric ward, that I have my problems related to this disease, all my emotional upset and turmoil is caused by the disease of alcoholism and lack of spiritual growth in my life, and that can all be taken care of by working the 12 steps of this program. There's a lot of people in the psychiatric ward where I was. They don't have that option. You know, that's not going on for them. They just give them Thorazine, and they have a hell of a time just recycling. You know, I got to notice that, and I became very grateful. Once I learned about my disease for myself and how the recovery works for me, I'm real grateful for that. Anyone ever been to a dance, Friday night dance on the psych ward? Have you ever done that one? That was an experience early in sobriety. I thought, oh, no, I'm going back into that little hole I was in all that time. But there was one other guy who was going over to the side, and we were kind of hanging out in one end of the hospital there. And they said, well, we're going to have a dance tonight. And I thought, what are they talking about? But anyway, so we all went in this room. They're actually in there, and there's all the poor ladies walking around with the Thorazine and shaking and drinking scalding hot coffee and, you know, bumping into walls and stuff. And then there's a few of us drunks doing, you know, this kind of stuff. And then they opened up the lockup where they keep all the teenage kids that are all jacked up on Ritalin and let them out. And then they start playing music. And I tell you, I was getting a little nervous. Oh, this is life, huh? Here we go. But, you know, I settled down. But at first, it was just like way strange for me. And anyway, soon after that, this lady came over from the other side of the hospital. And all of a sudden, she came over. And she said, I'm going to tell you a little. And also, they gave me a big book when I was over in the psych ward. And I, for some reason, I wouldn't read it. I wouldn't trust. I don't know where this came from. But I didn't trust any of my thoughts on anything I was going to read that they were going to tell me about for some reason. I didn't think it was right for me to do that on my own. I think maybe that might have saved my butt, too. I don't know where that came from, but I wouldn't read the book. I just said, okay, that's not time for that yet. Anyway, this lady came over and gave me 20 questions. And she started doing the, you know, oh, have you ever lost time from work on account of drinking? And I started to give her the old, well, you see, not really. And I started to give her the BS answer, you know. And she looked at me. And I looked at her, and we started laughing about it, you know, all this BS I was trying to say. And I knew something was different because nothing had ever been funny about my drinking before in my whole life. It was all real serious business, you know. But I still went through the whole 20 questions trying to give her this BS answer. And she just looked at me and smiled. And I knew something was different. And I knew this lady was special. It turns out she's a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. So the following weekend, I went over to that side of the hospital and I got introduced to AA and you guys. And there's the answer. It hit me smack in the face. You know, I didn't understand it. It scared the hell out of me. But I knew you guys were telling me the truth. You talked about drinking the way I drank, looking at life the way I looked at life, reacting to things the way I reacted, and drinking the way I drank. And I thought I was the only one doing that on the whole planet. Because, you know, my family didn't seem to have to do that. A lot of my friends went on about their business. But I couldn't seem to be able to do that. And I thought I was alone until I met you guys. And you took the time to share your life with me. And it let me know that it's okay for me. You know, all that stuff, I'm not alone. And I don't have to go back to doing that if I don't want. Because you showed me what you were doing to stay sober. And I watched you real close just to make sure you weren't lying. And you're still not. You know, I needed some truth is what I needed. I was way overdue for some truth. And you guys gave me that. And I grabbed onto it. And I've been working at trying to learn about this program since then. You know, learn about myself and do some good things instead of that old behavior. You know, I want to thank you guys for that. You know, if it hadn't been for you people being here, I'd have just been dead meat. You know, if you hadn't taken the time out of your lives to say hello and hi, how you doing. And tell me about you. You know, the truth about you and what's going on. I'd be long gone. And for someone who didn't think they were alcoholic, you know, it was killing me. And to find that out is a real relief. And so I just started, you know, they said, you know, start working the steps. You know, whether they make sense or not. And get a sponsor. I got a sponsor. I got a sponsor right away. And started doing this stuff. Excuse me. And, you know, I remember my wife came when I first got out of the hospital. And I had never been out in the world without some kind of a shield, you know, the alcohol shield. Driving home I felt real exposed. And it's just because I wasn't used to being around life, you know, not being drunk on something. And I remember I got home and I was a little nervous around my family because I had never been around them sober. You know, I knew I loved them, but I was kind of confused about the whole thing. You know, and that upset me. I figured, you know, what's up with that? But I just did what you told me to do. When you said when things, when you get some fear in there, say a prayer. It doesn't matter what, say a prayer. Say this around your prayer over and over again. And turn things over to God. I didn't quite understand the whole deal, but I'd just say, okay, God, you know, you take this. And I didn't end up blaming them. I ended up blaming them for me feeling so off balance. You know, I started to take responsibility for how I was feeling about myself and my life situation. And you guys taught me that. And thank you. So I started bringing the program home and driving my wife crazy because she was, as she told you earlier, she was still free howling on. And, you know, waiting for me to fix her, I guess you'd say, as she was sharing. But I, and luckily I got involved in a group who was into recovery for the whole family. You know, we used to say, you guys got sick together. Why don't you try getting well together? You know, give it a shot. And I used to, you know, come home and, you know, say stuff to her like, oh, let go and let God and things like that. And I didn't think it bothered her, you know, but since we've shared it, it just used to drive her nuts, you know. But I knew I needed to stay sober and I knew I was an alcoholic and I did not want to go back to that hell I'd lived before. You know, if I didn't have to. And so I just started working at this deal as best I could. And, you know, I had to, they say, you know, don't get in a relationship your first, you know, year of sobriety. Well, I was already married. I had a wife and two children at home. And so we had, I had to start my relationship back over with my wife because I didn't know how to do a relationship at all. And thank God we've been able to do that. You know, it got a lot better once she started going howling on, which is I was just about two years sober. And it was wonderful for that because we had something in common. We could bond on, you know, these two programs and it saved our butts. You know, I want to thank the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Forgive me back, my wife. You know, she's a wonderful woman today. And that's because of you guys showing her what to do with her life. And I really appreciate that. And, yeah. I just want to stand here. I just want to stand here because it feels so good to just be alive and be in a good spot on the planet, you know. I just like to stand here and just feel it. But I have so much speaking to do. So we started, you know, doing the deal. Like I said, we went to conventions, started doing that stuff and started going to a couple's group and learning how to talk to each other for real and, you know, learn how to trust each other. And it was from hooking up with a sponsor and trusting him enough to talk to him about how I felt and trusting him with that information that helped me to start trusting the world around me in general. You know, the steps are, it just amazes me how they're put together, you know, to heal us, whether we want to be healed or not or whether we even think we need to be healed or not. I know if you work the steps, you'll evolve into something better. You know, that's just my opinion, but I've watched it happen. It's happened to me and I've watched it happen to a lot of people. You know, it changes you. You know, it changes you for the better. You know, it's what I've always needed. And it's always held me in good stead and I'm really grateful for that part of it. And, you know, meeting friends, sober friends. We didn't have a lot of people we hung out with before I got sober, that's for sure. And it's odd getting to be around people. You know, I never did do that either, you know, meeting people, making friends and doing all just the normal everyday stuff. You know, I enjoy that. It's very important for me to remember that I wasn't able to do that before I got to this program. You know, I've been sober a little over 31 years now. And it's been really wonderful for me. Like I said, I started taking the program home right away because they said to do that, you know. If you have someone you're with, you know, why don't you try treating them like you'd like to be treated. You know, people are always complaining, oh, this is all screwed up and that's all screwed up. And, you know, we'd come up with just, well. Why don't you treat the person you're complaining about like you'd like to be treated. You know, treat your spouse like a newcomer. You know, start doing things like that. And it really takes, puts things in a better focus. You know, and then you get, like I say, get to take responsibility for myself and not blame other people about how I'm feeling. You know, there's that one part in the big book where it says it's a spiritual axiom that whenever something is wrong or, you know, there's a wrong feeling going on, there's something the matter with me. You know, if I can remember that, it saves a lot of turmoil because it always comes back to that no matter how far I want to go. Out of the loop, it comes back to it. I have to work on me and my spirituality. And I want to thank you guys for teaching me that one. Hopefully I'll remember it. It's been good. A lot of things have gone on, you know, since I've been sober, you know. I like to feel good all the time, you know, but that's not reality, you know. But I do feel good. I do feel pretty good most of the time. I've always kind of been on like we call a pink cloud because I'm well aware every day of what it was like before I got to this place. And I try to never forget that. I think that little two-year experiment with the anti-abuse and no program really drove it home with me, you know, to remember that because it was like terrifying and I was willing to settle for that because it still was a little bit better than when I was drinking. You know, and I was willing to settle for life like that. And you guys have shown me that's not necessary. You have a wonderful free life now by working these steps. And the steps will work you, you know, or work me. You know, doing the four-step took me, I wouldn't say you should do this, but I wrote off and on for almost three years. What I'd do is I'd write a little bit and nothing else would come out of me. This is just how I wrote. This is just how it happened for me. But I knew I wasn't finished. So I'd go to more meetings, listen to more people, talk to people, go to AA and, you know, ask people what they were doing, list the people sharing about their four-step and this and that, and then I'd go back and write some more. And after about three years of that, I knew that I was finished. I remember I woke up in the middle of the night, couldn't sleep, went down and wrote the whole sex inventory thing and just did that all with the columns and went through all that. And... You know, got ready to share that with my sponsor. You know, and that's where that trust comes in, which helped me trust other people, was I was able to go and give them that in my fifth step. And the world opened up. I don't know how to say it other than that. I remember we went over everything that I had written down. And when I left his house that night, I walked outside. It was a summer night. And I just remember walking out of the house and looking around, and there was, like, more room. I don't know how to say it. There was just more room around me. And I want to thank you guys for that. It was a wonderful experience. You know, and I can't deny the existence of God. And the enemy is now the friend, you know. That's really good. Because he always used to be, you know, me against God. And what a waste of energy that was. And all God's ever been doing is just waiting for me to show up. You know, it hasn't been such a hard thing, you know, that he's ever put in front of me to do. The hard part is getting through all my negativity and being able to say hello to God. And listen to what he has to say rather than my ideas. And I'm liking that. Yeah, things have gone on. I mean, both my parents have passed away since I've been sober. And I had a major surgery. And, you know, I went through different things like that. And I have some health problems now. But that's not my entire life. You know, that's just things that went on, you know, as life goes on. I've also had a lot of good stuff, you know. I have some wonderful children and good grandchildren. And I have a really good relationship with my wife. And most of the people that I know, you know, I have a really good time around them. And, you know, I can't complain about that. But the point is I was talking earlier with a friend, and we were talking about things that go on in life and how I would not like to have to go through the hard times without having a program to work. You know, how much comfort and strength we get from these steps and the people we know in this program that enables us to go through hardships that come along. And how grateful I am that I don't have to do that on my own. I can if I want to. But I choose not to now. You know, I talk to you guys right away about what's going on with me. I'm not a seeker anymore. And I'm glad for that because that's not my idea. You know, this is all stuff you guys showed me how to do to help me become a happy person. You know, and I'm not – I treat my kids well now. My dad was always – well, I used to work with my dad all the time. And he was a full brother. He was a full-blooded German. A real touchy-feely guy. But anyway, my son was working with me. We were doing construction work. And one afternoon, I found myself being my dad to my son. And I went, this is not right, man. I ain't doing this. So I just sat with my son and said, hey, I have to talk to you for a minute. And, you know, I said, I just can't be on you without this stuff that's – and I don't want us to go on working like this. And so we just started changing stuff and talked to each other. And you guys talk to each other. And you guys taught me how to do that. You know, you guys showed me that that's the way to go. It felt like the right thing to do. And I was able to do that with him. And I'm really grateful for that. You know, I've had a really good life. And I'm not such a big negative hole anymore. At least I don't think I am. You might want to talk to my wife. And it's been good. I've really enjoyed hearing her. I've never followed her speaking. You know, usually I'll speak and then she'll speak after me. You know. This was a really good experience. I don't want to go back and correct too many things she said because I still have to live with her. So I can tell you it's a hell of a lot more fun now than it used to be, you know. After I was sober a while – and she was an alum for a while. I couldn't say it at first. But after she was an alum for a few years and settled down a little bit, I remember mentioning to her, you know, honey, I really appreciate your effort and all that stuff you said to me. But I was in a blackout. I didn't hear hardly anything. But thank you for the effort. You know, I appreciate it. And that was well received, you know. And it's good. I remember I ate amends to her. I was kind of like – I just kind of said, well, sorry, honey. Because we both knew what had gone on. And it's been a living amends, you know, since I've gotten sober. You know, I haven't repeated any of those behaviors anymore. And it's a living amends. It's a living amends we do on a daily basis. And that's really helped us quite a bit, enjoying our lives. And we try and spread it to our kids, like I was saying a little earlier. You know, we like to just spread it around as best we can because it feels right. And because of you guys, I'm able to enjoy my grandchild. You know, I watch my granddaughter. She's four years old now, Ava. And I watch her every Tuesday for her parents. And that's really a kick. And if it hadn't been for you people, I would not be doing that. I wouldn't even be in her life. I never even got to know her. You know, and kids are so right. Kids are so spiritual. It just blows my mind. You know, I loved my kids when I was still drinking. But it's much different when you're sober around children. And I see now what I missed with my kids. You know, it's happened. It's okay. What's gone on has gone on. But it's so much better being sober and being awake through all this stuff. And being able to feel the real stuff and not have the alcoholism pounding on me. Taking me away from that. And I want to thank you guys for that. I'd like to thank you for inviting me here to share. And I guess it's time for me to sit down. I want to thank you for my life you've given me. Because I'm a dead man without you. And I'm a very happy man with you. You know, I've made a lot of good friends in this program. People I see from time to time. You know. People I haven't seen in ten years. It's like the friend I haven't seen in ten years. It's like the friend I just saw yesterday. And it's wonderful. And you guys have given me that. And I'm well aware of that. And I never want to forget that. And I hope you all have as good a time on this thing as I do. And stay close and stay sober. And trust God. I went to a convention. There was an archive guy there. And he had a little card. And it was a prescription. And it was a prescription card from Dr. Bob. And on it it had three things written in it. It was a prescription. It says for alcohol. I think it was either for alcoholics or for alcoholism. It was trust in God. Clean house. Help others. And then in handwritten above that was always remember this. And then the bottom was signed Dr. Bob. And I think that's a really good thing to do. You know, I like his prescription for living. And thank you guys for sharing your miracle with me. Thank you. Good night. .