Ignoring Fritz: The Unique Ability to Reject Truth. – Paul G.

We have this gentleman that's speaking for us tonight.
If you miss anything he has to say, you can read it later in the fourth edition of the big book.
And with nothing further, I give you Paul Gee from the Newberg Group in Cleveland, Ohio.
Thank you.
My name is Paul. I'm an alcoholic.
I'm an alcoholic.
Serenity prayer, please.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.
I'd like to thank for being asked to come up here.
First off, I'm not sure who asked me after that.
I'd like to thank the four people that asked me to speak tonight.
The group for being asked to come up here.
The group for being here for 19 years, because really, that's what this night's all about.
And we were talking before the meeting and seeing people outside of the meeting,
circumstances, and just acting nuts or goofy was a clarifying moment for me in my early sobriety.
And I've seen a few act nuts and goofy here tonight.
And sharing really my two favorite things, food and sobriety.
This, nowadays, is what I love.
And coming here and sharing this with you guys.
One more hand for the group and for Bob.
I'm sure Bob's glad we're all sober tonight also.
As we tear this place down.
You know what?
Everything that, when I look at my life, everything I got good in my life,
is a direct result of Alcoholics Anonymous.
You know, the people I got in my life and my family, my job, everything.
I look back at walking in through the door of Alcoholics Anonymous in September 15th, 1991.
And people showing me my way to a higher power, to a God of my understanding, faith and reliance in that.
And bottom line, that's where it all comes from.
And before I go any further, I say that.
You know, and the second thing is, I never expected any of this.
You know, I never expected.
I was just looking to keep the feds off my back.
Coming to, you know, and really, you know, I didn't.
You know, there's a story about this rock star.
Decided to hang it up.
And he's going to change his life.
And he pulls up outside of the old, the AA club.
And he's in his big white limousine.
And there's a couple of ladies in Indian gowns.
And cash everywhere.
And a fully stocked bar and all that.
And the old timer comes out and looks inside, opens up the door, looks inside, looks around.
And he tells the guy, he says, you know, you don't have to live like this anymore.
And, you know, that's exactly the way AA got me.
I wasn't expecting it.
They blindsided me.
You know, it's, I didn't expect it at all.
And I don't know.
And I, for a long time, I felt I didn't, didn't deserve it either.
You know, but, so that's why I got work to do.
You know, come to find out I got some work to do to keep this thing and to keep everything rolling along real nice.
And that's why when four people asked me to come and talk at this place up in another state, competing, competing neighbor state like Pittsburgh, where this is Pittsburgh country, right?
Yeah.
And I said, oh, well, you can't help it.
I know, sorry, but it was real bad for me.
You know, when I first came in, I was, I didn't wear nice clothes.
I didn't smell nice, you know, nothing was, nothing was really good in my life.
And it, and it all, and it was really that way for a lot of years.
But I was clueless.
The why or how to change anything.
You know, I started drinking when I was a 13-year-old kid.
And if there's one thing I can remember about that, it was that I got more than my share.
You know, and I remember I was in this, a couple of buddies of mine stole a bottle.
It was Corby's, which was a nasty liquor if there ever was one.
But we stole this bottle of Corby's and, you know, and after I had a couple of slugs of that, I felt different.
You know.
And I, I found myself wanting more.
And really, while their backs were turned, I'd take extra hit off of that bottle.
And, and after, shortly after, I'd say, look, and they'd all look.
And while they were looking, I'd take another hit off of that bottle.
And, and I, I paid the consequences for that that night, in that I was lying in a puddle of puke out by the trees.
And they were sleeping, snuggling in their sleeping bags, you know, and it's not the last puddle of puke I was lying.
Because it was pretty much a snapshot of the rest of my drinking, or a lot of the drinking that went on through my life.
You know, too much, too fast, getting more than my share, and that was one of the big problems in my life.
See, because I was a selfish, self-centered kid, you know.
And I was always looking to get more than my share out of life, you know.
Trying to shoot some kind of angle, play some kind of game, you know, manipulate my circumstances in some kind of way.
To get what I wanted to get, and never knowing that it was starting to create a problem even back then.
And then, and then on through school, you know, all through school, I was, they said I was never working up to my potential.
I'm sure I'm the only one in here that ever heard that, you know.
And, and I wasn't, you know, looking back, and I wasn't, I could have done a bunch of things.
But I was, I took it easy.
I took it easy.
I took the easy way.
You know, I took the path of least resistance, you know.
And my parents, you know, my dad was, my dad was a real law and order type guy growing up, you know.
He was an ex-Cleveland cop.
He was, he used to be Elliot Ness' bodyguard when Elliot Ness used to be a law director in Cleveland back in the 30s, you know.
And he was a self-made man, and he didn't like liars.
He was a trained interrogator.
Yeah, and I was a little liar.
So we didn't get along real well.
For a long time.
But, you know, they tried their best with me, you know.
And they tried to give me the, you know, we weren't well off or anything, but I certainly didn't go hungry or any of that.
And they tried to give me a good Christian upbringing as they sought and send me to schools that they thought were the right thing.
And I would have none of it, you know.
And somewhere, you know, I was reading the newspapers.
It was in the mid-60s.
And they were talking about this thing going on in California.
And I said, now that's for me, you know.
So I think it was 68.
I packed up my guitar and packed up a suitcase and bought a one-way ticket to San Francisco.
It was 60 bucks and fully intended on spending my life out there.
And that's what I did.
The first night I went out to the, I had to see the ocean.
So I walked straight, I got into the city, walked straight to the ocean, carrying all my luggage and stuff in my, and,
um,
I slept on the beach that night, or on the rocks above the beach.
And it was, um, those sea lions kept you up all night long, barking and, you know.
So then I moved down to the Embarcadero the next day.
And that's the San Francisco waterfront.
And when it was really a San Francisco waterfront, you know, the foghorns and the big rats and the flashing neon signs.
And I felt strangely at home there because there was winos sitting in all the, sleeping in the doorways.
And that type of thing.
And, and it was, um, I'll tell you what, it was, uh, uh, quite an experience for a young kid from the Midwest.
Just, just, but I was loving it.
You know, I was having the time of my life.
I was too young and stupid to know any better, you know?
And I was, um, and on Friday nights we'd go up to that little dance hall above the Cadillac dealership to hear the house band.
And it was, um, house band was the Grateful Dead and this place was called the Fillmore.
And, and, uh, you know, they'd, and it was, it was, you know, and they'd stay there all night long.
You know, they'd start at 6 and we'd wind up about 3 or 4 in the morning and, uh, oftentimes just sleep on the, the floor in the place and, um, do it again the next day.
And then there was Berkeley and I was, I slept on campus there for a while.
Um, not in the dorms, underneath the trees.
The sycamore grows, I would, uh, and, um, but I'd always go back to my Embarcadero roots.
And, um, I'd always go back to my Embarcadero roots.
In the winter, the, um, the farm workers would come up from the artichoke fields.
And it's with these guys that I learned how to drink out of a paper bag.
You know, because they had a period of intention in life and I, I kind of liked that.
They led a simple life, you know, they'd, uh, spend all their money, they'd pick artichokes.
Then they'd come up to the city and spend all their money, uh, buying that, um, cheap store liquor, that supermarket, uh.
And, uh, I, I found, I found a new friend over there.
It's called Mad Dog.
Um, you guys too, huh?
Right on, it says wine of the century, right on the bottle, huh?
Nectar of the gods, we used to call it.
But, uh, I, and I loved, I sold, and I carried that with me for a lot of years.
And, and it really, it would fit nice, it would fit, at that time, it would fit nicely behind my belt.
You know, not so much anymore.
But it came in a thin, thin bag.
It came in a thin, thin, uh, flask bottle and it was under a dollar, you know, what more could a guy ask for?
But, uh, and, and these are the tastes and the, the experiences I brought back to, to Ohio with me when they, uh, kicked me out of the state for, uh, ill behavior, so to speak.
So, uh, I ended up back, you know, I ended up right back in high school.
You know, and that, so, with all this stuff in my head and, and, uh, my, my brain certainly wasn't on that.
And I kept on going through the schools.
And, um, I got kicked out of five high schools after that.
And, and really the same pattern started happening in my jobs.
Uh, I would start, uh, losing jobs.
My first job out of high school was in the, um, pharmaceutical industry.
Kinda.
They, they, um, I was, I was a night cleaner at a drug store.
You know, they, you know, there is a God.
You know, they, they gave, that's what I thought.
I thought at the time, you know, they gave me the key.
And, um, I was fired for theft before too long, believe me.
And, uh, my, my second job though was, it was another cleaning job.
I was, uh, they were gonna give me another try.
And they sent me to one of these little vocational schools where they taught shop and auto body and all this type of thing, woodworking and stuff.
And, and I remember thinking on, on Friday night, I'm gonna, I, they thought I was working there as casing the place.
And I'm gonna steal all their tools or micrometers.
I, I forget what I was gonna steal.
But I was gonna steal it all.
And, uh, I never made it.
On Thursday night, found me in jail for assaulting a police officer with a deadly weapon.
You know, and, um, mom didn't bring me up that way.
You know, that day when I wake up, uh, I, I'm not planning on getting in that kind of trouble.
Assaulting a, a police officer with, you know, uh, walking down that road that day.
But that's, that's the road and it was all a direct result of my alcoholism.
You know, not that I knew it at the time.
It, it was all in, in pursuit of.
You know, and, um, actually that's what it was.
It was in pursuit of, cause it was just like you see on TV nowadays.
Except they didn't have the helicopters, but it was a wild chase.
This, this involved a wild chase and, uh, up on two wheels, you know, around corners.
Uh, police in hot pursuit over people's front yards and all that.
My escape vehicle was a, a 66 Volkswagen Beetle.
With a slipping clutch.
You know, I'd seen Bullet, the movie, but, uh, it didn't translate at all.
And, uh, but, uh, you know what?
I ended up, um, I ended up getting off that one.
Kinda.
It, it, it was, uh, with, uh, it was an angle.
You know, there was a technicality, that's what they call it.
I got a tech, I got off on a technicality.
You know, and, um, I got a big break on that one.
And I thought, great.
You know, it's, uh, I'm, I'm Scott Kleen.
And, you know, and, and after getting sober, I'm in Alcoholics Anonymous.
And I heard some guy, you know, the way you hear people, it was a moment of clarity.
The way you hear people, and they can say the same things 50 times, but the 51st time you hear it.
And some guy stood up at the Hillcrest group and said, you know, I got so many breaks, but I never learned a thing from them.
You know, I'm like, man, that was me.
You know, I got a break, I, I got break after break after break.
This particular one was a big one.
And, and, but it, it, it never ended.
It, it seemed like I was, um, untouchable for a long time.
And I, I, I got all those breaks and never learned anything from them.
As soon as the heat was off and, and, and the police door slammed and they didn't see me or I didn't get caught or I escaped this, this, uh, situation or that one.
Uh, I, you know.
No matter what prayers, no matter what heartfelt prayers I had said, I'll never do this again.
God, please, if you'll let me off of this one.
You know, and, and I, and I had full intentions and I had, I had, uh, depth when I said those prayers.
You know, they were, they were, um, they were, uh, they were meant.
You know, I, I meant, you know, and if I, if I lose my place, it's just the brain damage.
You know, sometimes I'll, I'll struggle for words, but, but, you know, I, I just wanted these prayers to work so bad.
And, and they would.
You know, and I can remember three or four or five times throughout my life when I had to resort to one of these prayers.
When I had to really bring out the big guns and say a prayer from the heart, you know, and they worked.
And, and I'd walk away.
I never learned from that lesson.
You know, I never, never picked up on that, that end of it because, uh, now the heat was off and, and my power came back to me.
You know.
And I was, I was back on my way.
So I'm, I'm going through all these jobs and I'm, I'm losing them and getting them and, and, um, and I started losing friends.
You know, I'm getting a little older and things are getting serious and we're going out and drinking all the time, you know.
Uh, uh, always our drinking was described.
Let's go, we didn't go out and tip a few or we didn't go out and, um, have a couple social drinks.
We always went out and get messed up or let's get blasted or let's get annihilated.
Let's, and, and it was, um, a pedal to the metal drinking.
You know, I, I had a Harley-Davidson or, uh, I picked up a taste for motorcycles and I was, uh, drag racing these motorcycles and there would be a group of us and, and that was our life.
You know, we, we made a career and a life and, and that's the only thing that drove us.
And, uh, we would, uh, we'd be bar to bar and I'd hop in that motorcycle and I'd slip that mad dog down the front of my pants and, and it, and, uh, pretty much, usually that's all I would remember.
You know, I, but, but I do remember glimpses here and there, uh, the things that happened throughout the night after that.
And, you know, I remember, uh, running off the road.
You know, I remember, uh, aiming at mailboxes and, and, and just having them whiz past my elbows many times.
Uh, um, you know, I don't, how, how I never killed myself I really don't know.
Cause, uh, there were many, many blackouts.
You know, I, I wouldn't remember the end of my drinking on, on a motorcycle.
I remember drinking on, on most nights when we started like that.
You know, and, and, and as long as I'm at that, once, once started, I couldn't moderate.
That's, that's what I couldn't really, I couldn't do anything about it.
It was just like I had gotten on a train and, and no matter what came along in life, uh, you know, I remember many, uh, and I, I started drinking at these bars.
You know, I got a job in the steel mills and we were drinking at these steel mill bars with a bunch of really hard chargers.
You know.
And I wanted to be like these guys.
So that's, that's what I would do.
I'd go in there and, uh, and I'd try to hold my liquor like the, like the big dogs.
And, and I, so I would, I would try.
And, and no matter what I had to do, if it, be it, uh, court dates or, uh, anniversaries, my mom's anniversary.
Uh, with my dad or, um, you know, rent payments or no matter what I had to do, uh, drinking was always primary.
Everything else was secondary.
And, and, uh, it wasn't long before it started happening during the day also.
You know, so it wasn't just missing the holiday dinners or the Christmas dinners or, um, whatever.
You know, but it was, it was happening during the day.
You know, and there, and there was, and I, I couldn't see.
You know, I remember one time I was in one of these, uh, steel mill bars and there was this one guy, uh, by the name of Fritz who was really, he was legendary as one of the worst alcoholics down at, down at the steel mills.
And, uh, we happened to be, uh, sitting together at a table one day and he, you know, over sharing a, a beer.
And he looked up at me and he says, you know, you got a problem, he says to me.
And I was, I was horrified.
You know, I, me?
You know, you're the one with the problem.
But, you know, he, he even, even Fritz saw it through his alcoholic haze thinking I'm the guy with the problem.
You know, I remember that.
I remember that.
And, uh, but.
I had the unique ability to ignore the truth.
You know, and I did at most opportunities.
That's, uh, uh, I, I couldn't face myself.
You know, I had no choice.
And I, I went on.
And, and so, you know, I'm getting in more and more trouble all the time.
And, and eventually I ended up getting in some real trouble.
You know, uh, I caught a, uh, I know what it means when they say you make a federal case out of something.
You know.
I didn't see what the big deal was.
But they take their stuff seriously.
So, and, and they, they have a way of dragging it out too.
I'm telling you.
It's, uh, years.
And, and so I'm walking around with this hole in my stomach for years wondering, but I don't care.
You know, it's, uh, I was medic.
I was, uh, uh, just drinking it away.
You know, I was, I was, uh, curing what ailed me.
And the only way I knew how.
And I'd sit in that, in that bar and look in that mirror through all them colored glass bottles.
And, um, like I had done for years.
You know, and I was, I was, I was fast losing hope.
I was alone.
All my friends had long since died.
All the guys I grew up with.
I mean, you know, I had all kinds of friends.
All the guys, um, uh, that we all rode together.
And all the guys, we all went out to the drag strip together.
We grew up together.
And one by one, you know, Donnie died, um, with a baseball bat in the side of his head behind him.
And Butch died in front of, uh, some downtown methadone clinic.
And, and, uh, Stanley died from cirrhosis of the liver after a transplant.
Frankie died from cirrhosis of the liver after a transplant.
Pat Daly died on the Mexican border.
You know, and, and, and Ben died.
We don't know how he died.
Billy died, uh, on the back of a Harley at 100 miles an hour.
You know, Bob died on the back of a Harley at 100 miles an hour drinking.
You know, and these were my closest friends.
You know, uh, why me?
I would think.
You know, and that's, and that's why, so I'm sitting in this bar alone looking in this mirror wondering, uh, what next?
You know, and, and I would, um, and really I, this, this was my best, the best moment of my day was somewhere between maybe four and six drinks.
You know, it was my window of opportunity in life.
And, uh, you know, it was when I would shoot up my gun.
You know, it was when I would shoot up my rocket.
Really, just like NASA, they shoot up their rocket between the time one cloud comes and the other one.
And, and that was me.
You know, and it, and that's when I felt good.
So, uh, when I woke up in the morning, every, uh, my whole day would be focused on that brief moment between four and six drinks.
And I wish I could keep that open as long as I could, but I couldn't.
You know, and I would try, um, moderating.
I would try, uh, mixing.
I would try different drinks.
But, uh, you know, beer.
Wine.
Uh, different kinds of liquor.
None of it worked.
You know, and, and, and, uh, geez, I, if I could only stretch that out, but I couldn't.
And, and, and really that's when, you know, my jokes were funny and the girls were pretty and I was shooting good stick.
You know, but, uh, pretty soon after that, after five, six, seven, eight, you know, I would, I would work my way back down to the end of the bar, away from the bright lights and the cash register.
You know, and I'd spend the rest, and this is, I'm, I, it might feel a little weird.
Maybe seven o'clock in the evening or, and I'd spend the rest of the night down there.
You know, and there was nothing I could do to break myself out of that.
You know, I had a buddy that says that we were sitting down on the, on the chair and he says, um,
and it was a beautiful, uh, beautiful autumn day with, uh, the leaves were all turning colors and it was 70 degrees and the birds were chirping.
And he looks at me, he says, Paul, he says, you know, on days like this, I wish the bar had a retractable roof.
You know what I mean?
And it made sense to me because we're going there and there's nothing.
And that's, that's it.
That's our life.
There's nothing we can do.
There was, I mean, it was a predetermined destiny that we were, you know, that's, that was it.
That was our lives.
Oh my gosh.
So I, I ended up getting in this trouble and, um, it was a clarifying experience to talk about one.
Uh, dealing with these guys and, and they put this, um, put this, and really they called me in there and they put this piece of paper and it had that fancy United States writing on it.
You know, like, and across the top, it says the United States of America versus Paul.
And I'm thinking, yeah, you know, we're the opponent at last, you know, bring it on.
You know, but, uh, and really that was my first, that was my, the bravado, if you will, or, uh, you know, and I, I remember the same thing.
I remember sitting on a street corner with those winos in San Francisco, mocking the good people going, going to and from their jobs in the morning, you know, and it was the same kind of thing.
You know, I was, uh, contempt and disdain for, for the fine, uh, for, for good people doing the right things.
They're the true heroes.
Yeah.
Uh, uh, heroic examples in my life.
I just glossed over all of that and it, it ignored it all, you know, and, and I was ignoring the lesson that the feds were trying to teach me that day that I can't just do whatever I want.
And, and it, it, it just, I, I missed it all, you know, and finally they sent me the, uh, gave me a couple of choices.
They said either get help or go to jail.
And, and my life hung in the balance and they gave me the choice.
You know, they didn't, there was no mandated, and, and either you get help or you go to jail.
And I said, well, give me a week to think about it.
Literally.
And, and you might think, and, and I did.
And I'll get back to you.
And it took me two.
It took me two weeks to get back to the guys.
But I did.
I said, and so after careful consideration and thought.
I, I came to the conclusion that I could always do their jail bit when this, uh, a treatment thing fails.
You know, and, and I didn't know what the treat, and it really wasn't a treatment thing.
It was just this unknown get help thing.
You know, because I knew nothing about program or, or treatment or anything.
Uh, but I still, I had insurance from the place that I, that I worked.
And I said, look, I got, I walked into the, uh, you know, one of the guys there that would, whose job it was.
To help the employees.
And he hooked me up at this place.
And I went to this, you know, and I was at my bottom.
Thank God.
You know, I see guys come in and out.
And sometimes, uh, to this day.
And, and, um, a lot of them haven't accepted that they're at their bottom.
I guess.
You know, they're not done.
I was done.
Thank God.
I was, you know, I was, um, and, and really I glossed over a lot.
A lot of it.
But, uh, it, it was years of pitiful, pitiful drinking.
Self-destructive.
Hurting all the, the, the people that loved me in my life.
Thinking, why don't, you know, why don't they just leave me alone?
I ain't hurting nobody.
You know, but, uh, I would, um, my house had garbage lined up.
You know, I had a little apartment in, in, in, in this, uh, on this little side street.
And there was bags of garbage lined up.
Bags of garbage lined up by the door.
You know, this is a picture of my life just before, uh, uh, just before the end, kind
of.
You know, and I was, uh, everything was stolen.
I had these boxes of stolen stuff.
All of my, my carpet was stolen.
My table was stolen.
The plants I had.
My crude attempts at making some kind of a little life for myself.
Everything was, uh, uh, stolen.
You know, there, there was the, the moldy hot dogs on the stove for when I come home
at the bar at, uh, 2.30 in the morning.
Turn on the hot dogs and wake up on the floor at 6 with the, the, all the smoke in the air.
I know nobody's done that.
And, uh, you know, dirty dishes piled high in the sinks and the, you know, the utilities
would shut off, so, from time to time.
And, uh, so if I didn't, if the electricity shut off, all the stuff in the refrigerator
would go sour and melt, you know.
And I tried to get it open one day, but it was stuck shut, the refrigerator door.
So I ended up.
I had a couple of little apartment sized refrigerators and, you know, and the toilet
didn't flush, but it, uh, I used it anyway.
It'd go down sooner or later.
And, uh, the shower didn't work.
It was stopped up and I didn't bother using it.
You know, and, and at any given time I might have had two weeks in my socks and four weeks
in my jeans and six weeks in my underwear.
Is that too specific?
I know we're supposed to share in a general way.
I'll stop.
Yeah.
Um, but I was really in my, I was, I was, um, when I go to the bathroom and there'd
be blood coming out and I was, uh, my gums were bleeding.
My hair was falling.
I was dying.
You know, I was dying and I didn't care anymore.
And I just didn't care.
And this is the.
And this is the condition I was when I walked out of that place and into Alcoholics Anonymous,
basically, because that's what they, they talked at this hospital.
You know, they dropped me off at the hospital and, and with my last pennies, uh, I walked
in very inebriated at the hospital.
So I don't remember intake too much.
You know, I remember, um, being pretty sloppy and falling down or, uh, uh, pretty much
making a spectacle of myself.
And I remember walking into this place and I ended up in detox for like 17 days.
Um, which I didn't really need.
I wasn't that sick, but, uh, 12 or 13 might've been enough.
But I remember, I remember, uh, people talking to AA and I remember people, uh, paying special
attention that, um, they were going out of the way.
I remember specifically my counselor arguing with the doctor, the treatment doctor who
wrote all the orders that he wants me off of detox and in the general population because
he wants me in those groups every day.
He says, I want my guy out of, out of detox.
I want him in groups.
You know, he was, he wanted to start the process.
And, and I'm like, man, dude, leave it alone.
You know, why, why, why do you care?
You know, leave it alone.
You know, I was, I was getting special little sandwiches and an apple and stuff, a little,
little perks of detox.
You know, I wanted to nurse that along.
Dude, back off.
You know, but, uh, but he was, he was, he had nine years at the time.
His name was Dave.
And, um, you know, and I knew some of his story.
And what struck me at the time was that here was, um, a guy who had a story pretty much
like mine.
He was an ex-con.
He was, uh, had hurt everybody in his life.
And he had done a lot.
He had done a lot of nasty things, which he had shared with me in confidence, I thought.
He shared them with all his guys.
Yet he had an equal footing with the medical professionals in the place.
You know, and, and, um, he seemed to have their respect, I guess is what it was.
You know, and, and I, that, that was very puzzling to me.
Because here's, here's this guy who I really related to who obviously had the respect of
the medical people in the place.
And, and I just didn't get that.
But it caught my attention.
You know, he was carrying a message.
You know, and, and, and, and really he was, um, he was a really bright guy.
And he had a sparkle in his eye.
And he, he was, uh, a fun-loving guy too.
But he was deadly serious about sobriety, you know.
And, and, you know, so, uh, I listened to him.
I listened to him.
When he, when he pulled me aside, when I was walking out, uh, he was walking out at, uh,
he had all these books.
He had all his MMPIs and his psychological evaluations.
And he was, uh, leaving at, at five in the evening one day.
And he caught me in the hallway all by myself.
And, and he said, uh, come here.
You know, and he pulled me into an empty room.
And he put down all those books as if to say, he said, first night you get out of here,
I want you to go to an AA meeting.
That's it.
And I know he says, no, he made me promise.
And he made me promise.
And there's honor among thieves.
And he was certainly a thief.
And I was certainly a thief.
And, uh, so I, I agreed.
And I looked him straight in the eye.
Okay, Dave, if it makes you happy, first night out of this place, I will go to an AA meeting.
Big deal.
Now let me go back and get some chow.
And he said, all right.
And he picked up his little books and he walked out of there.
And the guy probably saved my life right then and there.
And, and he doesn't even know it to this day.
You know.
And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,
and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,
and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,
They allowed outside people to come in and bring a meeting in on Wednesday nights or whatever.
And I was sitting by the front door, and this pretty woman walks up to me with this big white smile and the white teeth and the nice long hair
and looks me in the eyes and shakes my hand.
I'm like, wow, you know, a firm grip and all that.
And we go into the meeting room, and I'm sitting there.
You know, I'm sitting there with a plastic tag around my wrist, my pajamas and slippers, probably a few days from a good bath.
And really, I'm at my lowest point of life, and there is nothing I know for sure in my life.
All the thoughts, all my closely most cherished beliefs I just found out were false.
You know, everything I thought was white turned out to be black.
Everything I thought was up turned out to be down.
You know, they showed me that in this place.
And the only thing I knew for sure as I'm sitting in that meeting was that she wanted me.
I knew it.
I could tell by the way she looked me in the eye and shook my hand.
I wasn't used to that.
I wasn't.
But, you know, she did her job that night.
She carried a message of strength and hope and depth and weight that was from the heart.
And I'm telling.
I'm telling you, she got my attention.
And she won in the space of 45 minutes.
She won my respect.
You know, she just had me riveted on the end of my seat with some of the stuff she shared.
And no longer was I looking at her with the pig thinking that I was used to doing.
But I saw her now as a different person.
As a worthy, loving, valuable human being.
And it happened in 45 minutes.
You know?
Heck, Mary gave me two hours tonight.
I should be able to do something.
Oh, man.
So anyway, this is what I left with when they kicked me out of the place and I get back on the streets.
And, um...
I'm back out on the streets and they dropped me off at my car and it's 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
And it was a sunny day.
And I had 10 bucks in my pocket.
And it was just like autopilot.
I found myself pulling into the back parking lot of my favorite watering hole.
The Finn Cafe up on Broadway.
You know, what would be more natural for me with 22 days sober?
Probably the first 22 I had sober in a year.
What would be more natural for me to go and want to mess it up?
You know, but, uh...
So I walked in the back door.
And I remembered all this.
It was like...
I saw it happen in minutes time.
But I remember walking, closing the door and walking towards the door.
And there was this long hallway off the back parking lot.
And I'm thinking, the door slams behind me and I'm already acutely aware of the smell of alcohol.
And it hits me in the face.
And I end up...
What am I, nuts?
You know?
And...
And the stuff at the hospital all started going through my mind.
All that AA they were throwing at me.
And the big book on, you know...
Am I crazy?
And I'm at the bar.
And my one concession to moderation at that moment was I asked for my wash.
And when she comes back, I'm going to order my drink, my shot.
You know?
And...
And between the time she goes to get my...
To get my wash and comes back to get my...
To order my shot, the thought crosses my mind.
Weren't you mad enough to make it one day without a drink?
You know, after all those people did for you over there, that thought crosses my mind.
And when I thought about it, I guess...
I guess I could make it one day without a drink.
Actually, I wasn't physically ill at the moment.
And I did promise Dave I'd go to a meeting that night.
And I didn't know whether you guys had breathalyzers here or...
Or what.
But...
And I still had the feds I had to keep happy.
And so...
All right.
So I took a buck out of my pocket and I put it down on the bar.
I got up and I walked out.
And the only thing I can chalk that up to is advanced grace.
It was a long time before I recognized that as advanced grace.
It was even longer before I recognized that as one day at a time.
You know, because that moment, that day right there, I decided...
And it was...
Probably the one most pivotal moment in my life.
I decided, no, I didn't have to do this.
Right now.
And I got up and I walked out.
Because I had nothing else.
I walked out to my car where there was a big book and there was the meeting schedule.
And I picked up that meeting schedule and I found a meeting where I knew where it was.
And I went and I sat...
I pulled around the corner from the place and I sat there for about five hours.
Until eight o'clock that night and still walked in late.
And, you know, typical, you know, I didn't want to get there too early.
You know, so two minutes stayed.
I'm walking in through the door and some guy, you know,
I don't know how they knew I was new.
Is what I'm still wondering to this day.
They obviously recognized the fact.
And they swooped me up and they got me a cup of coffee.
And they said, sit down here next to this kid.
And I started...
Before the meeting, I started running my lies on him and telling him my story.
And, you know, pumping it up a little bit.
And he listened respectfully for a minute.
This kid is blonde hair, blue eyes, about 21 years old.
I was 38 at the time.
And I'm all chains and leather and fry boots and stuff.
Or, you know, nasty looking.
And he says, you know, he says, you're so full of it.
Your eyes are broad.
Just sit there and listen.
He was 21 years old.
He had six years...
I mean, 21 years old.
He was six years sober in Alcoholics Anonymous.
Quality big book sobriety.
And this is the guy God sent me down next to.
You know, the message was coming from where I least expected it.
When I was looking...
And I didn't.
Really, I didn't at all.
You know, he blindsided me just like you guys did.
And the people in that room did their job that night.
You know, they did their job.
They...
They welcomed me.
You know, and I recognized a certain degree of safety, I think, in the room.
You know, I felt safe.
And I recognized in these people that there were people like me.
You know, who had been down a rough road, maybe.
Some rougher than others.
And I could certainly relate to a lot of them.
And just like the people in this room tonight,
all walk in the same direction in life with a common goal.
And I think I had instinctually kind of recognized that that night.
And I felt...
I felt that.
And so they did their job and gave me phone numbers and all that stuff.
And two days later, I did my job.
I used one of those phone numbers.
You know, and I called them up and they said,
Well, sure, why don't you come on over?
We're having a big book study at some guy's house.
So we sat around and read the big book.
And then we're going to a midnight meeting afterwards.
Midnight meetings?
Yeah, yeah.
Come on, we're at a midnight meeting.
And they picked me up.
And it was a young, active...
group of guys, a bunch of road dogs.
And they just took me in and started dragging me around with them.
You know, and the next morning they said,
Well, let's go to the Carter Manor for a breakfast meeting.
And it was downtown Cleveland.
And it was this nasty, greasy eggs.
And it was terrible, but it was great, if you know what I mean.
You know, it was...
I'll never forget those days.
And really, a week later, I was in.
You know, I was in because I didn't know what I was looking for,
but I knew I didn't want what I had.
You know, and I wasn't sure I wanted what you guys had,
but I knew I didn't want what I had.
And what I was doing was better.
And two weeks later, I'd be riding down the road.
I couldn't believe that I had stayed sober.
Something was working.
And you talk about your 90 and 90.
I probably did 180 and 90.
You know, I had a car.
I was in a three-quarter way house.
And I was the only guy.
There were eight guys living in the place.
I was the only one with a car.
I went to a lot of meetings with a car full of guys.
And I wouldn't trade it for anything.
And I ended up getting a sponsor.
And everything was an epiphany.
You know, I was raw.
I was new.
And every revelation, you know, they would say,
keep coming back.
And why?
You know, you don't know me.
I mean, we were talking before the meeting.
You don't really know who you're talking to inside.
You know, I was looking at myself from the inside,
all scummy and dirty.
So I was thought.
But it was a, you know, we were very active.
And I was picking up guys and going here and coffee cups and ashtrays
and reading the big book.
And, you know,
and no relationships for the first year.
And of course, I would say, well, where is that in the big book?
Define relationship.
You know, typical new guy questions, you know.
Oh, man.
You know, and I would gather up all these guys like a bunch of little ducklings
because I knew you were supposed to bring guys to meetings and do stuff like that.
And I would make sure, well, my sponsor gets there,
so about a quarter to eight,
so about ten to eight,
I'd trot down the steps with all these guys, you know,
to make sure he would see me so I'd get credit for it.
Or sufficient credit, you know.
And it was, see, I knew what to do.
You know, but not always for the right motives did I do these things,
but I took the actions.
And a lot of times I didn't know why I was taking these actions
or why I was following these instructions
or why I was doing this stuff,
but I did it anyway.
Anyway, because I had recognized early on that I was feeling better
and somewhere I bought the fact that within these rooms I could change my life.
Maybe I could be the man I always wanted to be, you know.
Because I wasn't the man I wanted to be
and finally I knew I had no one else to blame.
You know, but now maybe I could do that
because I saw it happening for all of you guys.
Maybe I could do that too.
And I had my court slip and I put down my court slip up there.
I get it signed.
They didn't.
It was a fake.
You know, I just wanted to be like the rest of the new guys.
They had a court slip.
Feds didn't care if I had a court slip.
They didn't care if I went to meetings or not.
They just said, you go to jail if you mess up.
Meetings, meetings, meetings.
And I would sit there next to my bed at night
with two other guys in the room
and we shut off the lights.
And I'd be listening to them breathe.
And when I thought they were asleep,
I'd sneak out and say a prayer.
You know, I'd get down.
Because I wanted to follow their instructions
but I wasn't quite comfortable enough, you know.
So I would sneak my prayers in here and there where I could
and I would do things like it was suggested, you know.
And lo and behold, it worked.
I believed like a child, I guess.
I believed like a child, you know.
And I worked the steps.
And I prayed to the God that you guys suggest that I do.
Find my higher power.
Find faith.
You know, and I went to all the other things
in Alcoholics Anonymous that were being offered at the time.
I got involved, I guess.
I got plugged in in some kind of way.
You know, because I was hooked up with these active guys.
And there's a million ways to get plugged in.
There's something for everybody to do.
They told me early on 95% of the people,
or 5% of the people do 95%.
5% of all the work in this program.
And that's probably true.
But really, anybody that wanted it,
and I could see it was there.
You know, and I wanted it all.
I wanted it all right now.
You know, just like in my former life,
I wanted all this right now.
I wanted all the gifts.
I wanted 30 years right off the bat.
You know, I had three months.
That's why there was this story about this guy from my home group.
He was a spiritual giant.
He helped thousands or hundreds of people throughout the years.
And he was a very wealthy man.
Through the things he did one day at a time in Alcoholics Anonymous,
he started a school.
And a lot of drunks got their, you know,
got licenses and degrees and technical training
enough to go out and move out and have jobs and stuff.
He helped a lot of people in a lot of ways.
And some new guy comes up to him at a meeting one night and says,
you know, wow, 35.
35 years, Dick.
And Dick slammed down his hand just like it was a gavel.
And he says, you know, I'll trade you my 35 years for your 30 days right now.
You know, because Dick knew what the new guy didn't yet
was that the real deal is in the journey, not the destination.
You know, he knew it was the one day at a time living a real life
that was the really rich thing.
It wasn't what's on the back end of it.
And he was.
And I believe I know what he's talking about.
I didn't understand that when I first heard it,
but I know what he's talking about now.
You know, it's a one day at a time.
Come what may.
You know, and there's been ups and downs.
There's been ups and downs.
And, you know, I've had the happiest at times
and some of the saddest at times in my sobriety.
And but come what may, they told me it always gets better.
It keeps getting better.
And I thought that was just something they told the new guys
that keep putting a buck in the basket or something like that.
But no, they were right.
It keeps getting better.
You know, I was 10 years.
People used to say, well, my 10th year was my hardest year.
And I had a year or so where I said, what are you not?
You're doing something wrong, man.
You know, but I didn't have the perspective yet.
And when I had 10 years, I was like, well, I'm not going to do that.
You're sober.
It was, you know, I ended up on interferon treatments.
You know, I went to the doctor and they found some stuff wrong.
And I ended up on this chemotherapy thing type of deal,
which that was, you know, five years back now.
And it all turned out just perfect.
But at the time, it's a heavy duty thing.
You know, I was, you know, through the back of my mind,
fatalistic alcohol, you know, I knew it.
I knew it was too good to be true.
You know, that I was going to live the rest of my life sober and happy and all that.
But, you know, and things are still yet to come.
There's a bunch of other stuff that happened and things are yet to come.
It's true life.
It's real life.
You know, and, but it's good.
You know, I've, Elliot Ness' bodyguard, my dad is, my dad's 95.
My mom's 94 right now.
I'm able to.
I'm able to.
It's one of the big joys of my life.
I'm able to show up there every Tuesday and let my mom make me a salmon dinner.
Because it's good for me.
And it's got antioxidants or whatever they say.
Salmon gun or whatever.
But I'm there to help them.
You know, they, you know, the stuff they did for me throughout my life, it's,
and I'm there to help them.
And I got a lovely wife and two great kids, Joshua and Jacob.
Fourteen and sixteen.
I must have prayed for patience and tolerance along the way somewhere.
But now I just pray for God's will.
I learned my lesson.
But, and I don't know who's growing more, me or the kids.
But I think we're all growing.
And Joshua, the other, you know, it's, of course I want to, and I'm new at being a parent.
You know, they're not my biological kids, but we're kind of a spliced together family.
But it's good stuff.
We've got two dogs.
Two kids.
Two jobs.
It's a busy life.
It's good stuff.
Typical alcoholic, right?
So, yeah, Joshua tells me the other day, he says, you know, Paul, or Dad, he says,
why don't you let me make my own mistakes?
You know?
So you, and okay, Josh.
You know, I don't, I guess I'm trying too hard.
Maybe, maybe I am.
But no, it's good stuff.
And I'm able to do that stuff because of Alcoholics Anonymous, because of you people.
Because of you people.
Because of walking in through that door.
And you guys telling me about the steps and suggesting I do this and suggesting I get down on my knees
and suggesting I try to develop some spirituality.
There's this story I like about the, about, they were trying to plant corn in South Africa.
You know, a group of people went out in the bush and they started scratching in the ground
to try to plant their corn and they hit some yellow clay.
You know, and they finally...
And they found these diamonds in the dirt.
And they picked up the diamonds and they went back to the village
and they were all ecstatic at the extent of their find.
You know, they lived high on the hog for quite a while after that.
But sooner or later they had to eat.
So they went back out and they started digging in the dirt again.
This time they dug a little deeper.
They dug through the yellow clay into the blue clay.
And in the blue clay they found the mother load of all diamonds, which is where they're found.
Which made what they previously found insignificant.
You know, and that's the way spirituality is for me in this program.
It's just taking away the drink.
My life changed a thousand percent.
But now I want more.
You know, I want it all.
I want the whole deal.
And it's there for us.
And that's the blue clay.
You know, it's digging into that blue clay.
And you guys showed me how to do that.
You know, you guys take me through.
Continue to show me how to do it.
Because I need constant maintenance.
You know, I'm still the quick forgetter.
And I still slip back into my old ways.
I see it in myself all the time.
And I know I need constant AA contact.
It's every day.
You know, it's been a good many years.
And I was just thinking today, you know, it's been a long time.
In fact, I can't remember the last time I didn't have AA at the tip of my, you know, it's in my job.
It's in my.
It's in my family.
And I like it that way.
You know, I like it that way.
It gives me a way to grow.
You know, everything is kind of measured against my program.
Is this program, is this good or not?
You know, am I doing the right thing?
And thanks.
I appreciate that.
And I'd like to thank you guys for coming here for the 19th anniversary of this thing.
And even though if it was for the food, you know, sometimes it's for the wrong reasons.
But nonetheless, you're here.
And I'd like to thank the people with the months, just the months.
Because and I got a special message for them is that it keeps getting better.
And it keeps getting better.
And thank you guys for coming, especially.
And I'd like to thank all those people for asking me.
I'd like to thank you guys for coming and God for Alcoholics Anonymous.
Thank you.
Thank you.