If You Give Up Having It Your Way You’ll Get Everything You Ever Wanted – John S.

My name is John Scott, and I'm an alcoholic. And, yeah, I got to know Lori a lot better than what I wanted to. The reason I gave her a big hug when I finally got here is I had to go to the bathroom so bad. I was just glad to stop anywhere. Well, it is good to be here. It's a great honor and a privilege to be asked to speak at any AA function, but this is a special place, I can tell. Last year, Arthur asked Cindy and I if we could be here, and we had to turn him down because we had already volunteered to go to someplace really warm, a lot warmer here anyway. We went to Alaska. And it's always – Cindy and I tried to kill each other during about 13 years of drunkenness, and it's really nice to be able to share our sobriety with each other, and it's always. It's a great gift for us to be asked to come speak at the same place at the same time. But I got to – your committee did kind of mess up, and I just thought maybe in the future this might help you a little bit. Always have the alcoholic talk second, not first, because sometimes she gets things just a little bit wrong. Of course, how would I know? I was in the blackout most of the time. But anyway, it's – an honor and a privilege to be here. I enjoyed Kathy's talk last night. I got to meet Kathy and Mike a couple of years ago at Blackstone, and that was the first time I was in Virginia. This is the second time. We don't get over here very often. And it's good to see Bob and Linda, our friends, that we've been known for years, and always good to see those folks. I guess I'll talk a little bit about drinking, probably. I am an alcoholic, but I didn't think so. I know it's hard to believe, but I didn't think I was an alcoholic. I thought my problem was mostly my wife's. You know, you've heard the story told a jillion times, I'm sure, because most newcomers will tell you this, but if you had a wife like mine, you'd drink too. I got to tell you one thing. I played in a rock and roll band before I met her, so I drank just a little bit. You know, and that's where I did meet her. I met her playing in a rock and roll band one night, and she was standing down in front of the stage and just staring. And, you know, she I'm not going to get into her part of the story too much, but she was, I don't know if you've ever been attacked by an Al-Anon before, but I just didn't, I couldn't get rid of her. She was like a piece of me. And we've kind of been together ever since. Oh, we fell in love right off the bat. I mean, we were, or in heat or something, but we really did hit it off really well. I come from a ranching and farming background. That always made my dad really happy when I joined a rock and roll band. And I was raised on a ranch in southeastern Montana. The first drink I ever remember having is we were trailing some cattle down the Potter River. And in that country, there is no water to speak of. And some guy come by in a pickup one time with some beer. And this was in the olden days, I guess. And they had coolers. They were some former cardboard boxes. And it was hot beer. And I can remember drinking that stuff. You know, I've been raised around these cowboys, and they all liked that stuff. And I drank that, and I tell you what, I couldn't hardly do it. It was terrible. And so that's the first drink I ever remember. Drinking. But the next drink I drank was, I was in the junior year of high school. And me and a bunch of our buddies, we went out and we found a guy to bootleg us a little bit of booze. I remember, I almost, I never drank really before, but I almost knew exactly what to do. I was hiding cans right off the bat. And boy, we had a good time that night, I guess. I ended up wrecking my mother's car. I lost her, she gave me a credit card because she's a she's out of gas, so I lost her credit card. I got in a fight with my really good friend. I got in another fight. She won. I got sick. I puked all over the place, and I just could not wait to do it again. I mean, it was one of the most fantastic times I'd ever had in my entire life. And I didn't realize what alcohol was doing for me. And what it was doing, it was making me feel different than I felt when I was sober. When I was sober, when I'm sober, I feel so inadequate. When I'm sober, I'm like I have two left feet. When I'm sober, I don't know what to say. I can't carry on a conversation. I'm just always kind of an oddball. But you get a few drinks in me, and I'll tell you what, I know things that I never knew that I knew. And I'll give you an example. I mean, this is I'm just going to bounce around. I don't even try to make my story go in order because I can't remember it anyway. But I had this new banker, and and me and a friend of mine, a fellow rancher, we needed to get some hay. We went looking for hay, and what this entailed was he got a fifth and I got a fifth, and we got in a pickup, and we just started to drive, and we just looked for hay. We did that most of that afternoon, and that evening, we came into a place where I used to drink a lot, and it was called the Northern Hotel. It wasn't too much. It's not as fancy as this one here, but it was an old, established hotel there. There was a we drank for a little bit, and all of a sudden in comes this guy and this friend of mine who we'd been looking for hay with. He says, there's our new banker. I'll be darned. So we sent him a drink over there to his table, and nothing. I mean, no hi, no thank you, no nothing. No drink coming back. This is a bad sign. Especially if you're an alcoholic like me. So, you know, about 20 or 15, 20 minutes later, we sent him another. Nothing. Now, I've already figured it out. I've got this secret weapon, the stuff that lays right here, and I begin to know things without ever talking to anybody. It just comes to me in this kind of a vision thing. And all of a sudden, I begin to realize that I am broke. I am going broke. He's going to foreclose on me. I'm going to have to leave the country in just a short period of time. And my life as I know it is over. And I just know that, just like that. And about an hour later, the guy finally gets through talking to whoever he's talking to and he comes over and he sits down. And almost without any time at all, the two of us get into this argument, this fight. I mean, we were heated about this, about how do you take care of sheep and load sheep into crels and pastures, or put them into trailers, and how do you take care of sheep? How do you feed them and all this kind of stuff? Now, I've got to tell you something. I don't know nothing about sheep. I mean, I've never worked sheep in my life. I don't, I've never fed sheep. I don't, I've never loaded a sheep into a trailer. None of that. I've never done any of that. But I've got the secret weapon, and I know things that aren't true. And my friend who saw I was getting into trouble, thank goodness somebody was always around whenever I got into trouble, it seemed like, and he finally got me to slow down a little bit and said, let's go eat. Now, I always hated to eat. Because if you, you know, the old saying was, well, why would you waste a hundred dollar drunk on a five dollar meal? You know, but he finally convinced us to go eat. And like I said, I'd never met this banker before in my entire life, but we got into this friend of mine's car. His wife had brought the car in, and we started to go to this pretty nice restaurant to impress this banker. And I don't know, I just got tired. You know? I don't know if you, when you guys drink a little bit, maybe sometimes you get tired, and I just laid down in this guy's lap and just went to sleep, you know? And I was kind of used to making amends, long before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous the next morning, and I can remember getting up and going into town and apologizing for my poor behavior. And he says, that's all right. He's really a gentleman about it. That's okay. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. It's all right. It just happens. You know, we drink too much sometimes. Don't worry about it. And about six months later, I started going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, and about six months after that, about a year after that, I look up one day, and here's this banker. Just got out of treatment. He'd come into the group there. He'd come over to me, and he says, John, he says, I've got to tell you something. You remember that night that you and I got in that argument over them sheep? I said, yeah. He says, I don't know a damn thing about sheep. So, that's kind of I don't know about you folks, but that's just pretty much sums up my life right there. I just, you know, I know things that aren't true and just love to believe it. I just love it. You give me an honest guy, put him in front of me and tells me the truth, I hate that sucker. You give me a liar and a cheat and a thief, and I just fall in love with them right off the bat, because they tell me exactly what I want to hear. And that was one of my big problems with Alcoholics Anonymous when I first got here. You guys did not tell me what I wanted to hear. You told me things that would save my life and not necessarily make me feel good, and I thank you for that. I thank the people in Alcoholics Anonymous for that. It's a fan if you're new, if you're new, I hope that you can put your secret weapon away just for a little while, and maybe for the first time in your life, let somebody help you get through this thing. Because if you're like me, I had no idea in the world what the heck I was up against. I thought that I just had a drinking problem. But the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that I might have a thinking problem. It says my problem is centered in my mind. It says the alcoholics is an extreme example of self-will, bread and riot, but I usually don't think so. You know, I can't figure out why my wife is trying to leave me. I gave her the best years of my life, and she's sitting there trying to run off and badmouth me every chance she gets, and it's just driving me crazy, and I can't believe it. You know, why would she do that kind of stuff? You know, we had a great time for a long time, but little by little, I started drinking more and more. You know, I didn't hardly drink when I first met her, because I was in a rock and roll band, and we were doing things, we were doing everything. We were doing everything you could get your hands on. And, you know, after I got out of that business, and I went back into the farming and ranching business, at least in the mid-60s, it was kind of hard to track down drugs in Billings, Montana, if you wasn't in town. So, I just drank a lot. I've always, booze has always been my drug of choice, if there is any. I'm a pig, though. I'll do anything. Whatever's handy. So, don't, you know. When I first got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was so thankful that I was a pure alcoholic. Of course, as long as you don't comp those little white pills with the crosses on them, you know, that kind of stuff, I was pretty pure. And I can remember I always kind of want to remember that, you know, my sobriety date is December 19th, 1982. But I always want to remember the day before. And that's the day that I woke up in the basement of a friend's house. You know, how you wake up, just I always hated that, because you'd have to ask people about what you've been doing in such a way that they don't know that you don't know. And that causes friction in my life. I don't know about you, but it made me nervous having to do that. And you never want to ask her, because she remembers it in a way, she can make it sound so bad. So, but I, you know, this is kind of how I remember it. Now, it's probably not true, but this is how I remember it. I remember that long about Thanksgiving, I went out for bread. And now it's almost Christmas. I don't know what happened in between there, but that's kind of how my life was at that time. And I I can remember, I woke up in the basement of this guy's house, and his name was Johnny, and he was the old guy. He must have been almost 60. And we can I remember going to him and talking to him a little bit about where we'd been, and he didn't know either. And, uh, but I told him that I was tired of doing what I was doing, and I needed to do something different. And I had lost a car. I think you talked, I don't know, people would come and take my car in the middle of the night when I was drinking and put it someplace I'd never, I would never put one. And so we had to go find it. And, uh, we was going to find it, and along the way, I told this guy, this guy's name was Johnny, I told Johnny, I said, Johnny, you know, let's go see Frank. Now, Frank was a speed salesman who had been coming out to the ranch for years. And he was a guy that I knew and drank with a lot. Frank and I drank all the time. It was, Frank liked to drink just like I drank. And Frank said one night, he said, John, you're just an opinionated SOB. And I argued with him about that all night and probably proved, and finally proved him wrong, you know. But the truth of the matter is Frank and I had a lot of good times together. And, uh, Frank came out that morning. It was about noon, and I don't know if you're like me, but about noon, it's always 8 o'clock or 6 o'clock or 5 o'clock somewhere, so at noon I can drink. And I, and I was drinking, at that time I was drinking whiskey and beer. I mean, that's you know, whiskey with beer chasers, and I loved that. That's what I drank forever. And, uh, but Frank wouldn't drink with me. And something was wrong, because Frank is, Frank's my old drinking buddy. And I, come on, Frank, have a beer. No. Well, have a shot. No. I'm not gonna, I don't, I'm not doing that today. You're not drinking today? What's wrong with you? You're sick, Frank? No. He says, I just, I just decided I'm not gonna drink today. And, uh, I'm kind of an obnoxious type of a drunk, you know. If you don't want to drink with me and have fun, I'll drink and have fun with you. And, and, and, and, Frank would try to leave, and I just wouldn't let him leave. And I can remember asking him over and over again, you know, what, what's the, what's the deal with you? How can you not drink? Oh, I gotta go to a meeting in a little while. I said, well, what kind of meeting do you have to go to? And finally, he fessed up and says, Johnny says, I'm gonna go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous? My God, Frank, you're over-correcting a little bit, aren't you? He, he, he says, he says, no, he says, I don't think so. He says, you know, he says, I'm getting a divorce. He says, my, my life is upside down. I just, I'm not doing well. And, and, and it's kind of helping me a little bit. I said, well, my God, Frank, you drink just like I do. And Frank says, yeah, I know. And, and, so I, I, I told Frank, I says, you know, my life isn't going too good either, and I've been trying to get a divorce, and my only thing is my attorney says, my attorney says that if you get a divorce from, from Cindy, John, you're, you're probably gonna end up losing those kids. Now, I, I didn't really even kind of hardly knew I had kids up until that point. But if you tell me I can't have something, that seems to be all I can think about. So, so I, I begin to just obsess on this idea about Cindy taking those kids when we got this divorce, and, and, and it began to dawn on me that she was causing me most of my problem. I, I've been really suicidal. I, I used to carry a 45 automatic in my pocket all the time. I don't, don't you think I was a gangster or anything. I was legal. I had a permit. And, and I, I would carry that around all the time, and, and I'd been sticking that gun in my mouth for quite a while before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, trying to pull the trigger, and I couldn't do it. I just never, I just never could do it. My mom, one time, she, we lived out there in the country, and we had this, along the highway there, we had, you know, five or six mailboxes there where people come and got their mail, and I remember one night going down there, one afternoon going down there to get my mail, and, and it was always scary to do that, you know, because you, they all, there's always these letters that they wanted their money back type of a deal, you know, and you just, I just hated opening mail, and, and I hated taking phone calls, and I hated opening the door, you know. I always had these guys that was about to get me. You know, they're just right, they, you couldn't quite see them, but you knew that they was right there. A lot of times they'd be outside your door, and you'd have to peek around through the window and try to see them, but you never could quite see them, but they were there. And so they always made me nervous, and that's one of the reasons I carried this gun around all the time, because it was about ready to get me, but I never really saw one. And, and I, I don't want you to think I was paranoid or nothing, but I, I had gone down there to pick up this mail this night, and my mom was there, which is kind of a different deal, and asked me how I was doing, and I told her I was just crazy as a loon, and I was. I was just, I was crazy as could be. For some reason, my drinking had gotten to where it wasn't fun anymore. It just, I was just insane. I was just insane. I had insane thoughts constantly. I thought, constantly. Constantly of killing myself, and then it made sense for me to kill my wife. It really did. It got to where I was thinking a lot about that. And then it got to the place where I began to realize that those two kids I had, it's probably going to, it's going to be bad for them if their dad kills their mom, and then what would they do? So it started to make sense to me to take out my kids, too. Now, this is where alcoholism took me. And, and it isn't that I thought about it occasionally. It's that I began to dwell on it. I really began to dwell on it, and I knew I was nuts. I knew I was crazy. And I thought about checking into a place called Two North there in Billings, which is a nut house. And, and because I was just absolutely insane. And, and it kind of sounded like a, not a bad deal because, you know, I'd rather be crazy than an alcoholic. Because if you're an alcoholic, you're going to have to quit drinking. But if you're crazy, you can go to Two North. They'll give you some pills, and in a little while, they'll let you out, and you can drink again, you know. That made sense to me. But I, I was just, I was just, I was just crazy. I was just insane at that time. And I can remember my mom asked me how I was, and I told her. And I said, you know what happened the other day? Somebody broke into my house and stole all my guns. And she says, well, John, that was me and your dad. We're just scared for you. We're, we're afraid that you're going to do something really stupid. Well, mom, if I'm going to do something stupid, I'm going to do it with this. You know, and she, I can just remember that look. You know, and we've all seen that look. It's that, that's, it's that look of disgust and terror. You know, just. You know, and I just hated to see that look, you know. And for years and years after I got into Alcoholics Anonymous, my mom would say, I don't know what they do in there, but by God, don't you quit, you know. She'd call me up every once in a while, you going to AA? You make sure you keep going to AA. I never heard my mom say, you shouldn't go to AA, you know. And I kind of miss that. She, she died here just a few months ago. Thought I was ready to talk about that, but I guess that's not going to happen. . Uh. Anyway, I ended up talking to Frank about this business, about maybe I needed to go to Alcoholics Anonymous, and he said, well, I'm not going to take you. I said, well, why not, Frank? He said, well, of course, Alcoholics Anonymous is for people who want to quit drinking, and you're drinking, obviously. Well, I can remember drinking the rest of that night, waking up that next morning thinking, my God, this drinking is getting out of hand. I almost went to Alcoholics Anonymous last night, and I must, I must really be slipping here. . So that was about six months before, uh, me and Johnny went to Frank's, and we, we drove in there, and Frank was at the speed store, and I walked in there and said that maybe I was ready to do something about my drinking. Because he did say if I wanted to go, just give him a holler the next day when I wasn't drinking to come back, and I wasn't going to do that, you know. I wasn't that bad yet, and so, uh, I remember that, that morning that Johnny and I went over to his store. And, uh, he gave us these 20 questions. I don't know if you guys have seen the AA-20, you know, the test that nobody can pass. . Unless you're an Al-Anon. I've seen Al-Anons pass it. I don't know how they do that. . But anyway, I had these 20 questions, you know, and if you get, what is it, like, if you get one wrong, you could be, if you got two wrong, you probably are, and three, you just screwed. . You know. . I mean, 19 out of 20. I mean, I, and I cheated. . And, uh, uh, and this Johnny, I gave him the test, and Johnny flunked the test. . . And it's obvious. You know, I, I got this. I know. You know, I know things. I know the deal. Alcoholics Anonymous. Come on. A name like that? . You, you guys gotta be hurting for membership. . You know? . And so what you've done is you've come up with a test to get, you know, to, for somebody who's down on his luck, like me and Johnny, and, and we'll flunk the test, and, you know, I'll have to come to your stinking meetings for the rest of my life and pay you $100 a month or some dang thing. I mean, that's just the way it works. I know. You know? And I also know another thing about Alcoholics Anonymous. You don't quit drinking here. You just slow down. . Because my, people would tell me forever, you know, you just need to learn how to drink right. And I tried. Man, I tried to drink right forever. You know? But I just seemed to always overshoot the mark. And, and, uh, so I, I, uh, you know, we, I was, like I said, I'd been gone for several weeks, and, and me and Johnny had been drinking already that morning, and Frank gave us his test. . So I asked Frank if he'd take us to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and he said, no, I will not take you to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Well, why not, Frank? He says, because Alcoholics Anonymous is for people who quit drinking, and you and Johnny are still drinking, obviously. Well, I didn't know that that probably was wrong, but it didn't matter, because he says, why don't you go ahead and drink the rest of the day, and then tomorrow morning when you get up, don't drink no more, and then I'll take you to the meeting tomorrow night. Well, that sounded good to me, you know, and that wasn't a bad thought. So I can remember me and Johnny going to the Keg Bar, and the Keg Bar is not a, not a very fancy place. It's a, it's kind of like a hole-in-the-wall type of place, and, and me and Johnny went in there. That was my other favorite place. I was out at the Northern Hotel of the Keg Bar, one or the other, and me and Johnny went in there at, at 8.30 in the morning, 8 o'clock in the morning, and, and you know there's five people in there. It was me and Johnny, two other guys, and a bartender, and not one person could pass that test at 5, at 8 o'clock in the morning. You know, not one single person in that whole bunch. So it's obvious, you know, you guys have devised this test, and nobody could pass. And I always want to remember that good, that really nice last day of my drinking. I'd sit over in the corner, and I'd cry because I was all alone and lonely. And you'd come over, and you'd sit down and want to talk to me, and I'd want to fight you. And then you'd leave, and then I'd sit over there in that corner, and I'd cry because I was all alone and lonely. And you'd come over, and I'd want to fight you. And that's, that's, that's pretty much my life. That's my last day. Just every time I really get to thinking about the good old days, I just try to remember my last day about how good it was, you know. The next morning, Frank had called Cindy up and said to Cindy, he says, don't let them drink. And Cindy was a long time past this idea of making me not drink a drink. And she, she never liked my friends anyway. She was always against them, you know. People would come over to our house, and we'd have a little party. And we had, you know, the bar was downstairs, and I'd have three or four people down there, women and guys. And we'd all be down there having a drink or two. And having a good time. And she'd be upstairs. It might be two o'clock in the morning. And she got this vacuum cleaner running over this linoleum floor right above the bar. She's got her washing machine going. She's got her dryer going. She's got her dishwasher going. And she's screaming at the top of her lungs. And people would say, she's intense, isn't she? But she wouldn't drink, you know. She was doing this all sober. And I was married to a crazy woman. I mean, I knew. It was obvious. My friends knew. I didn't like anybody. And nobody really liked her. And, you know, and heck, yeah, you'd drink if you had a wife like me any day of the week. It was a given. And anyway, she handed the phone to me. For some reason, she happened to be there about that time because I used to move her to town every once in a while. We'd get in these fights, and I'd load her up. I sponsored a guy who lived across from her mom's house several years later. And he says, you know, he says, I'll never forget that summer as long as I live. You guys entertained us all summer long. He says, you'd come running in there with your pickup load of Glad Bags and throw them off in the street and just spin off. And then he says, four or five days later, you'd come back and you'd have your Sam's night and you'd load her all up and you guys would be lovey-dovey and you'd go back. And that's what we did for almost, you know, six, eight months, you know, just constantly in and out, in and out. But this particular time, she was in the house, and Frank told me to come on in that night. We'd meet across the street from where the meeting place was, and we'd have some food. Well, I don't know about you guys, but when I'm drinking for two or three weeks in a row, I'm not very hungry, just not very hungry. But we went in there, and he introduced me to a friend of his. His name was Richard, and Richard was his sponsor. And Richard was a guy who wore a three-piece suit all the time. He was a used car salesman, and he smoked cigarettes just like this, just constantly. And he had a bad back, so he sat up really straight, just smoking cigarettes, and he was intense. And he says, I want you to meet my sponsor, Richard. And Richard asked me a question. He says, John, he says, do you feel like you're responsible for your own actions? Now, this is kind of an elite group of Alcoholics Anonymous. I've been trying to get into this thing for over six months, you know. Frank didn't let me in six months ago. He didn't let me in yesterday. And now I've got to answer this trick question. And I know the deal. I know that Frank has been talking to Cindy, and Cindy's been talking to Frank, and Frank's been talking to Richard, and they've got the goods on me. And I remember after thinking for a question. I took quite some time, as deeply as I could, I said, yeah, I think I am responsible for my own actions. And I can remember Richard saying, good, good. Now maybe you can start acting like it. Damn, I knew he'd been talking to Cindy. I knew it, you know. And they laughed, and they joked, and they had a good time, and they ate my steak. And we went across the meeting, to the meeting that night, and we walked in there, and I sat in the back, as far in the corner, you know, just as far away from everything that you can get. And I remember the people would come, and they'd be laughing, and they'd be joking, and it's probably because I was getting all this money from these dummies, you know, these are these paid counselors, and we'd be shaking hands with each other, and they was all happy to see me. And there's another girl there, the new girl, the same night that I was there, never seen her again since. And I don't remember what was said that night. I really don't. But I remember that there was something that was happening to me, even that first night, and it was something that was missing out of my life, and it was a little thing called hope. I began to realize. At least some of these people knew what they was talking about. It wasn't the people with 10 or 15 or 20 or 25 years. I mean, come on. Come on. Why would you do that to yourself? You know? But this guy sitting next to me, I asked him how long he'd been there, and he said two weeks. He looked like he'd been there two weeks, too. He was intense, too. He was nervous. And I can remember talking to him about how he did it, and he said, well, they just said to just don't drink. Just don't drink one drink. One day at a time. And Richard came over to me that night before I left, and he says, John, I want to ask you a question. Can you stay sober for one day? Can you stay sober for one day? And I knew I could, because I ran out of money and got thrown in jail and that kind of stuff. So I said, yeah, I can do that. I can do that. I don't want you to think I'm weak, you know? And I said, yeah, I can do that. I can stay sober for one day. He says, good. I'll see you here tomorrow night. And that same night, I got a sponsor, and the guy's name was Johnny, and Johnny says, I'm going to be your sponsor. And Johnny says, OK. First thing. First thing we're going to do, we're going to go to my house. So after the meeting, we drove over to Johnny's house, and Johnny brought out this big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and started looking at the doctor's opinion about how we had this allergy coupled with mental obsession. And I can remember, you know, see, I'm allergic to things. I'm allergic to apples, bananas, cherries, and avocados. And when I take a bite out of an apple, my face swells shut, my eyes swell shut, and I can't breathe. Now, I understand a little bit about allergic reactions. But I never, I couldn't put it together that here we are, we are alcoholics that have allergic reactions to booze. And he says, oh, it's really simple. You just break out in spots like Detroit, Dallas, Fort Worth, you know. He says, that's what happens when you drink. And he says, I'll tell you something else. When you drink, it simply tastes like more. It just tastes like more. And I could understand that. I mean, because every time I, I would go to the Northern Hotel, and I was going to have a couple. You know how we always have a couple? You know, I was going to have a couple. And what I was, what I would do is I would go to the Northern Hotel, and I was going to have a couple. But I might be there. I might, well, it might be like the deal before I got here. I might be gone for two hours or two weeks. You don't know. You don't know. Because once I take the first drink, I had no idea in the world what I'm going to do. And they said the reason for that is because of that allergy, that allergy, that physical craving that we get once we take the first drink. But it's not like the apples, because the doctor told me, and if you're the newest guy here, you can tell me exactly what the doctor said about me eating those apples. He just said quit. Now, I've never, I've never had to go to AA for apples, Apples Anonymous. I've never tried that. I never had to do that. I've never been sitting there at a fancy restaurant, and I look over there, and there they are. They're having fruit salad. You know, I've never had that problem, you know, to sit there and crave fruit salad or something like that. And the missing ingredient between my problem that I have with booze and the problem that I have with apples is really simple. I don't have that abnormal thinking. I don't have that thought process, like the book talks about, that thought process prior to taking that first drink. It's missing. I don't sit there and dwell on why I can't eat apples. I never sit there and worry about why God screwed me up so bad I can't eat apples. I sure have done that with wine, though. I'll sit there, and I'll look across there, and it's like, child, look at them people. They're having wine. Man, I could have a little wine. I bet I could have a, if I just wasn't an alcoholic. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I is not what I'm gonna do. And then it dawns on me. I hate wine. I always hated wine. Wine made me sick. That is not what I'm gonna drink. If I'm gonna drink, I'm gonna drink two at a time and keep them coming, and there are gonna be whiskey shots with beer. That is what I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna drink wine, and it's like, oh yeah. I forgot. You know what I'm 전? The reason I gotta keep coming back to Alcoholics Anonymous is because my brain leaks. Just, you know, I come in here, and it's like it's kind of gets charged up, and then the next thing you know, I, if I stay away for two or three days, it's like, well, I wasn't bad you know and then the worst thing in the world you can do is to have somebody talk to you and say my god john you're still in the wagon well yeah well when do you graduate well you can't tell me don't you know so you say oh i don't know in a while you know it's just like you kind of cover it up at first when i was new i'd always cover it up you know anymore i said i just tell them something you know the reason i'm not going to drink tonight is because you don't have enough booze you know and that's that's really a true story so i uh i you know little by little i come to these meetings of alcoholics anonymous and and and i'd start to you know johnny would pick me up every night and we'd go to his house and he introduced me to his kids and he introduced me to his wife and what a wonderful a and a family they were and all this kind of stuff and it was good it was really good but little by little johnny started getting weirder and weirder i mean the guy had seven years of sobriety you know and i was probably there two weeks maybe three and he'd call me up in the middle of the night and say john you better get in here they're in they're in my closet and they're going to get me tonight now i don't care i was new but i was not stupid you know and this didn't sound right and i can remember he'd call me up the next night said john get in here they're out they're outside in the street and they're in the car and they're going to come in here and they're going to get me now i don't know what was his problem i'd talk to those old guys and i'd ask them if they could help me and they'd say i don't know what's wrong with you i don't know what's wrong with you and they said no we're not we're not going to be able to do much good and little by little he got what had happened is he got all mad at his group and he got mad at his sponsor and the next thing you know he'd been drinking and uh and uh so about 45 days into sobriety i i kind of felt that i get to get a new sponsor and i remember coming in the room i've been i've been kind of eyeing this little blonde that i've been looking at here for a while and she really kind of had what i wanted and i was willing to go to any lengths to get it and i can i can remember walking in there and i i was walking across the the room there and richard came out of no place he says john he says i understand that your sponsor's gone out and i said well that's what i hear he says well i'm going to be your sponsor now you know come on i i didn't get to pick my last one and i always hear about these guys get to pick sponsors and and i said well richard i don't know if i want you to be my sponsor and he says well john he says i don't think i asked you he says i'm going to be your sponsor and i said well i'm going to be your sponsor and and he always knew what i wanted always knew a couple weeks later he sold me a diesel car that was good you know i mean this is in the this is not like they have them today this is the old diesel that you could floorboard that sucker in about a half a mile down there you'd be going 15 miles an hour you know and uh and all that really helped our marriage relationship too at the time and and i come home with this diesel car and he was elated and of course she didn't like nothing i was doing at that time either you know that's a funny thing a few weeks before i got to alcoholic sonoma she was saying how bad i was and what a rotten alcoholic i was and when are you going to do something about your drinking when are you going to straighten out and now i've been sober for three four weeks maybe a month and she'd say when are you going to quit going to those meetings when are you going to come home and be a father when are you going to be a son or you know it's like i couldn't do nothing right you know and and uh richard had asked me how my relationship with my wife was going after after we had the little sponsorship talk and and uh i told him well i was getting a divorce he says now let me get this straight you're the one who's getting a divorce and i said yeah he says you'll quit that right now i said but you don't understand richard she's crazy he's damn right she's crazy anybody live with you for 13 years got to be plumb out of her mind and and i said well richard you don't you really don't understand he says i understand and i started telling him about how bad my wife is now this is what happens in alcoholics around me i got this sad pitiful story and it doesn't matter who i'm sitting next to they got one worse so i'm sitting there telling them about how bad i got with my wife and he looks at me right in the eye he says john at least you're going to have an opportunity to make amends to your wife my wife died god not the dead wife trick you know it's like come on come on but but she had and you know and uh i don't want you to think i'm cynical or anything but and uh i uh i don't know if she's and he says i'm going to tell you something i'm going to tell you something he says you don't know how to have a relationship and one of the things that we try to do here is we don't make any sudden moves for a year he says so what you're going to do for the next year is you're going to try to have a relationship with her he says i'm going to tell you what i want you to do i want you to go home and i want you to treat her kindly i want you i want to have no meaningful conversations i want you to to try to be of service and you know i'm I started paying attention right away because I hadn't been in a big bed for so long. And he said, no, no, no. He said, I'm not talking about that kind of stuff. He says, what I'm talking about is I want you to clean up after yourself every once in a while. He says, I want you to wash the dishes. Fix supper. Take her out to eat. Treat her kindly. And I said, I'm not going to do that. I said, that's crazy. I'm not doing that. He said, I'm going to tell you something. If you do it, I'm going to give you a little carrot here. If you do it, it will drive her crazy. All right, I'll do it. And it did. It did. I remember one time I'd been working on my fifth step inventory, and I was trying to get to a meeting, and she was trying to block me from getting to a meeting if she was telling me all these bad things that I'd done. And she says, you know, she'd kind of gone through this list that she had in her head, and I just pulled out this inventory that I'd been working on. And I said, well, you left. I had a few things here. And I could just see her face just kind of, you know, and she just had to get away. And I just, yes. It was fantastic. I loved it, you know. And, you know, it's amazing. Little by little, she would only go to one or two meetings a week, and she was getting better. She would go to open meetings, you know. Every once in a while, she'd go to an open meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and she was getting better. I could see it happening. I didn't feel like I was getting better. I was still crazy, but she was getting better. And something just began to happen, you know. Little by little, things would change a little bit. But they're so minute, you can't hardly see them. And if you're new here, you think, well, I'm not making any progress. It talks about it in the book. It says, well, we can see it long before you can, you know. And I always like to talk about my home group just a little bit because, don't get me wrong, I love these people. And I'll probably tell this in such a way that you'd think that I don't, but I just love them to death. There was a little gal named Millie. She was like, I love you. I love you. I love you. She was like an old, she was like a grandmotherly type. And I can remember, I'd be sitting there, I'd be sitting there in my chair, you know, and she'd say, John, just look at all the miracles. Just look at all the miracles. And I'd be looking around that room, and I didn't see none. I don't know what she's talking about. You know, and she says, well, you stay here long enough. You'll start to see the miracles. There's another little gal in there. Her name was Millie, or Margaret. Margaret was, oh, I hated Margaret. Margaret, they'd sit there and say, Margaret, you got anything to say? Well, yeah, my name is Margaret, and I'm going to. I'm an alcoholic. And them that go to meet and stay sober, and them that don't, don't. Thank you. You call her Margaret six years from now. She's going to say, hi, my name is Margaret, and I'm an alcoholic. And them that go to meet and stay sober, and them that don't, don't. Jeez. Come on. I need a real message. I'm crying a lot. I'm trying to get better here, and you've got to listen to that crap. You know, and then there's this, there's this Gerald. Gerald was a guy from Louisiana, I think. And Gerald had got up into Montana, and somehow he ended up in the state and signing an asylum and had not been out too awfully long. And Gerald was the kind of guy that if he got called on at the beginning of the meeting, you knew who was going to be talking at the end. I mean, if he got called on at the end, you just knew it was going to be a long meeting, you know. And Gerald thought I had this attitude, and he'd come up to me and ask me how I was doing, and I just told him everything sucked. I hated her. I mean, life sucked. He says, quit. I'm just so sick and tired of hearing you say that. I hadn't been there for more than a couple of months. I don't know why he's like that. And he said, now listen. He says, from now on, when I ask you how you're doing, you're going to tell me this in return. He says, you're going to say, Gerald, I'm getting better in every way, every day. Thank you very much. This is Alcoholics Anonymous. We're supposed to be honest here, you know. And he made me lie right out the bat. And there was this guy, there was this guy named Nick. And Nick was a little short guy. He was a guy who had a shrill voice, who seemed to be able to have the attention of every person in the room. He was a guy who was really pretty dynamic. I found out later. When Nick talked, he would say something that I always heard. I don't know what else he said, but he would say something along these lines. That is, if you're new, if you've been here for less than a year, there's really no reason for me to remember your name whatsoever because you're just a visitor. Now, I don't remember what else he said, but I can remember that part. And then there's another guy. His name was Rod. Rod and Ralph. And say if you've been called on and you've been kind of talking to him about how your life has been screwed over because of your stinking wife or something, he would just hammer you if they called on him next. And he just had that, you know, I'm sure if you've been in AA more than 15 minutes, you'd know what I'm talking about. It's like there's always somebody there to just grind you into the dirt. And that would be Rod and Ralph. And Rod and Ralph, when he'd get done, he'd reach in his pocket and say, now, if I have pissed you off and you think you need to go have a drink, let me be the feist. First to buy you one, you know. And that's no way to treat new people either, you know. These guys didn't really understand that AA was supposed to be about love and tolerance, you know. And I can remember one night going over to, I can't think of his name here in a minute. I just got to talking about him, Nick. And I thought, you know, I'm going to get Nick where he can remember my name. And I, I, and my best new. Newcomer voice, I, I said, Nick, do you, do you have a minute? And Nick says, sure. He says, I'll sit down and visit with you. I said, what's going on? And I started telling him about how Cindy had been screwing me over. And I'd been, you know, been sober now for about maybe, maybe a month or so. And about how, you know, I was just having such a hard time. And, and then I got, got back into Cindy again. And he jumps up and, and there's about eight or nine people left around the room. There wasn't very many. This is after the meeting was over. And he says, listen. He says, I am sick and tired of this. He says. He says, you're wasting my time. You're wasting their time. And you're dang sure wasting your time. He says, you're just trying to go get drunk. So go get drunk. He says, you don't have to hang around here. And right behind him, out of nowhere, I don't know where the guy came from. It was Rotten Rock. Here, let me buy you a first drink. Let me buy you a first drink. Let me buy you a first drink. You know. And I mean, that's it. I'm done. I'm quitting AA. I'm resigning. I am through. And I got outside and I got in that diesel car of mine. And I was going to spend, I was going to spend gravel all over the place. And I stuck that thing down as far as. Just, just kind of piddled out of there, you know. And I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I was beating on the desk. And sorry, I'm so, you know, just, you know, just how we can get. You know, I don't know. I don't know if anybody else gets like this. I just get, wow, I'm tighter than that. You know, I'm just crazy. Just crazy. And the only thing that saved my bacon was that I had about 30, 30 miles to drive to get home after I got out of the city limits. And I just, just was. It was insane crazy. And it's like, like that, something happened. And I, I just remember it's like, so you're an alcoholic. Now what are you going to do about it? So you're an alcoholic. Now what are you really going to do about it? Are you going to keep, are you going to keep doing what you're doing and just stay sick? Or are you going to start changing? And little, by the time I got home, I, I don't know your, your, your theme is a spiritual awakening. Well. I think that we have series of spiritual awakenings. And I think that was one of my first. I believe that was one of my first spiritual awakenings. It's, it's that I begin to know that I know that I know. That's what I mean. It's like something changes. Something, something in, in the deepness of your soul begins to turn. And I begin to realize that I needed some real help. And these people were there and they had the ability. And they had the message that I needed to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Whether I liked it or not. You know, it's like, it's like the old saying, it doesn't matter if you believe in God or not. You don't, he doesn't have to have your permission to exist. You know, and, and they would, you know, Richards would always have me do stupid things like pray to God that I didn't believe in. You know, he said, get on your knees. You know, I, you know, I just wasn't excited about getting on my knees. You know, and he said, get on your knees. And he says, I'm not, I'm not even going to tell you what prayer to pray. He says, it's pretty deep for a guy like you. He says, it goes like this. God, please help, thanks, amen. He says, if you say any more than that, you're going to be conning him. And he was right. Because that's the way I always prayed. I always prayed to con God. Looking back at the time, it just seemed like the thing to do. You know. But anyway, I can remember driving home and like all these things kind of started to fall into place a little bit. And I remember getting in my car that next, my diesel car that next night. Going to drive back 30 miles into town. Going to have to go to Gerald. And shake his hand. Hi, Gerald. How's it going, John? Well, Gerald, it's getting better in every way, every day. Thank you very much. You know. Go, go. Really introduce myself to Nick. You know, hi, I'm John. You know, give Ralph back his damn dollar. And, you know, and just, just start, just start settling down and being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, we went through the book. And we worked the steps. And we did the deal. And it's, it's amazing what happens to us here. You know, you don't, it's not hit or miss. You know. I think I like to make it really complicated. That way I can't get it. You know, if you can't get it, you might have to drink again. You know. I was so afraid. And they told me that I was full of fear when I first got here. And I thought, no, come on now. Come on. Be serious. But they said, yeah, you're full of fear. And as I. I've been here for as long as I have. I can look back and say, you bet I was full of fear. I was just chocked full of fear. You know, I was afraid that she was going to stay. And I was afraid that she was going to leave. I was afraid that Alcoholics Anonymous wouldn't work for me. And I was terrified that it would. You know. Because if, if I'm an alcoholic. If I'm really, truly an alcoholic. Alcoholics Anonymous has a real true answer for me. It means that I can. It means that I don't have to live the way I've been living. And if you're new here today. And you're feeling like, you know, this thing may or may not work. If you can get rid of your secret weapon. Okay. If you can get rid of your secret weapon long enough to allow somebody to come into your life. And share their experience, strength, and hope. And surrender. Then you've got a shot. And I always word. I have this problem with the word surrender. What does it really mean? You know. Can't we come up with a better word than surrender? Because it sounds like, it sounds really bad to me. You know. Surrender don't sound like something a normal person would do. You know. But it looks to me like surrendering is just the ability to follow direction. Just the simple ability to follow direction. And I have been so fortunate. I've had five sponsors in my sobriety. Now don't get me wrong. I've had them one at a time. They're all dead but the last one. And he didn't. I didn't get him to sponsor me. Because he said. I was a carrier or something. You know. He said. My God, Scott. I don't know if I can do this. What an order. You know. I. I. Yeah. I've been tough on sponsors. But I've been very. I've been very blessed. Because all those guys in that group. And the people that I've had to sponsor me. Seem to have one really common thread that they keep talking about. And that is the importance of Alcoholics Anonymous. How important this thing is. I came to work one time. I'd been out working on my tractor. And I walked out there. And into the room. And I had grease. And I had my hat on. And all of my. And Richard just come unloaded on me. He just unloaded on me. He says. Don't you ever come here dressed like that again. He says. Don't sit over there. Get away from me. Somebody might think I know you. You know. And he says. After the meeting. You and me. Which I. That was not a good thing. I knew that there was going to be a long talk after that. You know. Have you had those sponsorship talks that just go on into the night? I knew that was going to be one of those talks. And he says. Look. He says. Alcoholics Anonymous has literally. Literally saved my life. And if you start developing some kind of respect for it. It might just save yours. He says. Don't you ever come here dressed like that again. He says. You always dress up to come to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. You treat it special. And it will become special in your life. He says. So start treating it special. And he did. He was right. And it has. Alcoholics Anonymous is. Alcoholics Anonymous is the single most important event of my entire life. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Most important event. Because without this. I have nothing. Without Alcoholics Anonymous. I cannot stay sober. I do not have a God. I do not have a marriage. I do not have children. I can't keep a job. On and on and on. But that's just. Richard used to say. But that's just stuff. He says. You can always get a new wife. And a new job. And a new bunch of kids. Apparently he had several. But. But he says. There's other things. That are just as important. It's called integrity. The ability to commit. And be responsible. It's. This stupid little thing. It's like. Being where you said you was going to be. And doing what you said you was going to do. When you get there. He says. I'll tell you something. That's a spiritual action. For a drunk like you. To be where you said you was going to be. And do what you said you was going to do. Be on time. Be present when you get there. And you know. And those are just things. That have helped me so much. I mean. Have you ever noticed. When you're in the wrong place. How bad you feel. You know. Like if you're supposed to be in school. And you're not. Or if you're supposed to be in an AA meeting. And you're not. You know. You look at the clock. And it's 8 o'clock. Son of a gun. I wonder what they're talking about me. Or talking about now. Probably me. You know. You know. Of course. None of us are like that. I don't know. But you know. It's just an amazing deal. It's an amazing deal. After I'd been sober for a few years. Cindy and I. We started a new group. And they're a crazy radical bunch. I mean. They're not quiet. I mean. They're not quiet. If they were here. You would hear them. Because they're always making lots of racket. You know. We kind of. We kind of like to be happy about our sobriety. You know. And they're yelling. You know. Hi. My name is John. Hi. John. I mean. You know. A hundred people do that. It's just nerve wracking. If you're new. I guess. But you know. We like it. We clap. And yell. And holler. All the time. And it's. It's just. You know. It's just a great way of life. We're happy about our sobriety. And you know. We've. We've been so richly blessed. There's. There's just. So much stuff. That I've learned. From just being here. To. To. To get to the place. Where I can. Allow somebody else. To show me. How to live. It's a fantastic deal. I thought Alcoholics Anonymous. Was about. Learning how to quit drinking. And I think that. Richard was right. Or Frank was right. I think Alcoholics Anonymous. Is for people who quit drinking. Now don't get me wrong. I know that it's. Some of us have a tremendously. Tough time quitting. But since the day I got here. I've never had a drink of alcohol. You don't gotta go. You was talking about that. Last night. You do not have to go back out. Over and over again. You know. I was just sick enough. That I was. I. I. I think that what happened to me. Is somewhere along the line. I was given a great gift. And that gift was. That gift was. Just a gift of desperation. I was so desperate. Because I knew. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. If I didn't do something. Really soon. I was gonna have to end up. Killing myself. Or killing somebody else. I just. I mean. I knew. I knew that to the tips of my toes. And I've been. I've just been so richly blessed. Ever since I got here. You know. Once I got over. Trying to think I was important. And just get to the place. Where I'm willing to follow the simple direction. And do what. You know. Just do the next indicated thing. And they. You know. They were telling me. Sometimes it's just sweep the floor. You know. Sometimes we don't have to be. Ugga booga spiritual. You know. Now don't get me wrong. I. I. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I probably didn't know myself. But it looks to me. And it sounds to me. Like God talks to you. Through you. To me. When I hear you folks talk about. How you lived. And how you live today. It sounds to me. Like that's a tremendous message. It sounds to me. Like God is really truly working in our lives. And I am so thankful to be a part of that. I really am. After we started that group. Just for a little while. My daughter started acting a little strange. I know that's hard to believe. You know. Alcoholic. I'm an AA. Cine's in Al-Anon. How could we possibly have any Alkies in our family? You know. But we have a few. And our daughter. Our daughter got caught sneaking out more than once. And acting weird a lot. And one thing leads to another. And finally she started going to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm so grateful that we started that group. That we started. Because we had a place that she could go. That she would be safe. And them gals. And AA got a hold of her. And they. By the grace of God. She's been sober now for 17 years. And it's just absolutely amazing. You know. I had Jim Shaw for a sponsor at the time. And I. You know. Come on Jim. She don't. She can't be an alcoholic. Heck. She hadn't even drank half the stuff that I drank. You know. I've spilt more than that. And he talked to her for about 30 minutes. He says. John. I'm going to tell you something. You let her go to AA. So. So I did. And she has. And it's a fantastic. It's a fantastic deal. You know. We. We're grandparents now. Took them along. A long time. But we're grandparents now. And we just got word here. Just the day before yesterday. That we. Or last week. We were going to be grandparents again. And. Thank goodness. It ain't my two boys. You know. It's still Becky. So. We're really excited about that. We really are. And. Like I said. My. My. My mom died just a few months ago. She died in October. And. That's a big hole. That's a. That's a big part of my life that's missing. My dad's not doing well. And. We're. You know. I guess what I'm saying is that. It. Just because you're in AA. Doesn't mean that everything's wonderful. You know. I've had cancer. I've had heart problems. You know. But. I wouldn't trade this life for anything. You know. I used to look at people. And I'd go. My God. I wish I was like him. I wish I was like that one. I kind of had it in my head. That when I got here. I wanted to be kind of like. A cross between. Howard Hughes. Robert Redford. And God. You know. Just something. Just some little something. And what's happened to me. Since I've been in Alcoholics Anonymous. Is you have made me. Exactly who I am. And that's exactly who I want to be. What a gift. So if you're new here tonight. And you don't know exactly what you're doing. That's the way you're supposed to be. We're goofy people. We don't get here because we're. You know. In AA. You hear about the keen intellectual. AA. Alcoholic mind. Now I've been to a few Al-Anon meetings. I never heard that there. You know. Fact is. All the Al-Anons that I've ever talked to. I've never heard that from them. So. I think we're the only people. We know. We're kind of legends in our own minds anyway. So if we can just get to the place. Where we can give up on it. You know. I used to have a friend of mine. He says. If you can get to the place. Where you can give up on having it your way. You're going to begin to get everything you ever wanted. And for the longest time. That didn't make sense. But I like to put expectations. And you know. This is a way it's going to be. And if I do. That very much. I am so disappointed all the time. I have to turn my will and life over to the care of God. If God's in charge. Then I need to sit back and look. And see what he unfolds in front of me. And enjoy it. You know. This is not a life of tears. A veil of tears. This is. You know. If I'm. If I'm involved in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I should act like it. I should be happy and excited about this. The very. The very fellowship that has not only saved my life. But it's helped me in my marriage. It's helped me with my children. It's helped me with my business. It's helped me with my spirituality. It's everything. It's everything. And I got a guy that I sponsored not very long ago. He's only been with me for three or four months. Six years. He had six years. He came to me and asked me to be his sponsor the other day. And I said. How's it going? And he said. Hey. God. I got to call these damn meetings. And I said. This just sucks. I mean. I said. Stop it. Nobody. Heard that crap. You want to talk about that. Go someplace else. I want you to tell me how good your life is. I want you to tell me what's going on in your life that has some meaning. And it's just like. Boom. He's just a joy to be around. It's just. You know. It's a glass half hand to your half ball. Well. You know. The truth is. And I learned that from one of my sponsors. I called Jim up one night. I said. Jim. My. I'm in the middle of bankruptcy. You know. I didn't get through the bankruptcy. But it's like. It looked like it was going that way. My. You know. I'm four years sober. My wife still hates me. My kids are still crazy. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on. I just hate it. I just hate it. And he says. By God. I know what's going on. I said. What's that Jim? I thought I was going to get something really deep. You know. He says. You're a goddamn alcoholic. That's why most of my guys are bald up here. You know. And. He says. I'm going to tell you what to do. He says. Tomorrow. He says. Tonight. When you go to bed. Before you go to bed. Get on your knees. And. You pray. And then in the morning. When you get up. Thank God for another day. And when you go to work tomorrow. Go to work. And when you get off work. Go to your meeting. Of Alcoholics Anonymous. And see if there's somebody there. That you can help. Oh. He says. And by the way. Tell them how good your life is. And I can remember. I can remember. Going through that day. Geez. I got to go to that stinking meeting tonight. You know. Just kind of like my new guy. He says. I got to go to this meeting tonight. And I'm going to. You know. I got to have to tell them how good my life is. And ain't nothing going on that's good. And I just started. Little by little. Well. That's good. And that's good. And that's not bad. And I got to that meeting that night. And I was having the time of my life. Now. That's how shallow I am. You know. I'm the kind of guy. That can go into the bathroom. Cindy and I are just getting along like gangbusters. And I can walk into the bathroom. And I can sit down there for a minute or two. And notice something. You know that toilet paper's on backwards again. Damn it. Damn it. And I can just get crazy. And I can just get crazy. And I walk out. And the same person who just kissed her. And walked into the bathroom. Comes out. You know. Like this. And I don't know why they have such a hard time living with us. You know. But that's how goofy I am. And without Alcoholics Anonymous. I wouldn't have the wherewithal. Or the courage. Or the ability to say. Look. I'm sorry. That's not what I want to be. And not only am I going to tell you I'm sorry. I'm going to try to make it up to you some way. And that's why she's got all them stinking rings on her fingers. You know. And that kind of stuff. I try to buy her off as good as I can. But you know. That's another thing. You know. But because of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And people like you in rooms like this. I'm married to. I'm married to the best woman in the world. For me. She is absolutely a sweetheart. Now she'll lie a little bit here in the next hour. But she's really a sweetheart. You know. And I love her. And I love her a lot. And I love what she stands for. So. You know. I don't know if you're new here tonight. I don't know. I don't know how long I've talked to you. I set my watch. And it's got one of those timers on it. It still sounds zero. So I have no idea in the world. But. If you're new here. I just want to tell you a couple of things that I've learned over the years. If you stay here long enough. You will see some miracles. You'll wake up one day. You'll say. My God. Look at all the miracles. Look at all the miracles. Because I'll guarantee you what. There are a lot of miracles in this room. There's a lot of miracles right here. Right here in this room. Right in front of us. And if you're new here tonight. And you want to learn a secret that I learned over the years. It goes like this. Them that go to meetings stay sober. And them that don't. Don't. Thank you.