If I Weren’t Me, I Wouldn’t Want to Touch Me Either — James F. and A P.

About This Speaker Tape

This recording captures an extended passage from a first-person narrative of early treatment at a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center. The narrator describes the psychological torment of withdrawal, including vivid user dreams filled with alcohol, cocaine, crack, glue, and gasoline. He recounts waking in terror, getting sick in the bathroom, and a violent confrontation with another patient named Roy who had been harassing him about cleaning duties. The explosion of rage leads to him destroying furniture in his room and being sedated.

After the incident, a psychologist named Joanne, unit supervisor Lincoln, and counselor Ken interview the narrator. Joanne explains user dreams and offers ongoing support. The narrator asks to stop taking Librium, preferring to face withdrawal raw rather than feel like everything is a bad dream. He is left with a stark choice: leave and face death or jail, or stay and face the unknown.

The centerpiece of the narrative is an agonizing dental procedure where four front teeth are rebuilt without any anesthesia or painkillers, as the narrator is a patient at a treatment center. Strapped into the chair with nylon cargo straps, clutching tennis balls and a Babar the Elephant book, he endures capping, cavity drilling, and dual root canal surgery in full consciousness. The pain is described in extreme visceral detail as beyond anything previously imagined. Afterward, he can barely walk and refuses hospitalization.

The recording closes with the narrator returning to the clinic, cleaning the group toilets again, throwing a Bible and Big Book out the window, and standing before a mirror unable to look into his own eyes. The themes of self-hatred, isolation, fear of sobriety, and the question of whether to stay in treatment run throughout.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Lunch with Leonard, a cocaine-addicted criminal from Las Vegas, followed by the MMPI psychological test
• 5:00 Phone call to parents in Chicago; mother breaks down crying on the line
• 8:00 Vivid user dream: alone in a dark room with bottles, cocaine, crack, glue, and gasoline
• 15:00 Waking in terror, morning sickness worse than ever, unable to look at his own face
• 20:00 Violent confrontation with Roy over toilet cleaning; throws him through the bathroom door
• 25:00 Destroys room furniture in a rage; sedated by men in white
• 30:00 Meeting with Lincoln, Ken, and psychologist Joanne; she explains user dreams
• 40:00 Hank drives narrator to the dentist in a storm; gives him tennis balls and an old boat jacket
• 50:00 Dental surgery begins without anesthesia: capping, cavity drilling, dual root canals while strapped to the chair
• 65:00 Returns to clinic, cleans toilets, throws Bible and Big Book out window, cannot look into his own eyes