If I Ever Locate My Inner Child I Will Choke Him Unconscious 🤣 – Frank J.

Tonight, Frank J. from Canyon Country, California. I'm Frank Jones. I'm an alcoholic. It's good to be here. It's good to be sober. If Alcoholics Anonymous didn't work, you'd have a different speaker standing up here tonight. I want to thank Jim and Sheila and the folks that were responsible for asking me to come up here and participate. It's always good to come up here. I know a lot of folks at this meeting. I can't say this in my home group because they know me, but I've got a lot of friends up here. I don't have any friends down there. After you hear my talk, you'll see why. So it's good to come up here where a lot of folks don't know me. So it is good to be here. I had a great day today. I didn't take a drink. I got up this morning and went to the yard and seen about another 150, 160 drunks there. I spent some of the time with them before I flew up here. I had a great day. Jim picked me up and took me. He checked me in the motel or hotel over here. I went and had dinner with a lot of folks from this meeting. It was good to sit there and talk about Alcoholics Anonymous and take people's inventory in this meeting and gossip and spread rumors and stuff. It was cool. I loved it. I felt at home. I've got to tell you, I just want to tell you how I was when I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous so the newcomers will know the people that stood up and identified as being new. When I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't believe in God. I'd done too many bad things to too many people. And if there was a God, I knew that I was screwed and I knew where I was going and I really didn't believe in God when I got here. You need to get control of the kid, okay? I'm trying to be good. I know what happened up here before. You won't have me back for about eight or nine years. I'm just trying to be good. But... But... And then when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and I looked at those 12 steps and when I tried to listen to them being read and I didn't pay attention when I first got here, I was too busy talking to the people around me and trying to be cute and noticed. And my sponsor advised me, everybody knows you're a newcomer. Sit down and shut up. But when I looked at those 12 steps and that first step says that I was powerless over alcohol and when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't believe I was powerless over alcohol. I could drink a lot of it. I didn't know anybody that could out-drink me. And so I didn't have a problem with alcohol when I got here. The second part of that step says that my life was unmanageable. And I not only managed my life, I managed everybody's life around me. So I didn't have to work that first step. It didn't pertain to me. The second step said that I'm going to be returned to some sort of sanity. And I didn't think I was insane when I got here. I didn't know what insanity was. I thought it meant you were crazy. And when I come into the meetings and I watched you people, I knew you were crazy and had to work that step. But that step didn't pertain to me. So I didn't even worry about that one. The third step said that I've got to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understand Him. And I didn't believe in God when I got here. So I'm not going to turn my will and life over to anybody. I couldn't trust Him. And then the fourth step said I've got to write out that inventory. And I'm not going to write out the things I had done out there when I was drinking and let people know about that. I couldn't do that. And so I wasn't ever going to put that on paper. When you hear my story, you'll see why. And then the fifth step said that I've got to read that to somebody, another human being. No, because if I did, take them out at the end of it. I can't let them live. Can't let them walk around with information on me. And then it talked about, six and seven talked about defects of character and shortcomings. And when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't have any defects of character. And I didn't have any shortcomings. You know, that's the bottom line. I was okay when I got here. And then it said that I needed to make a list of people I had harmed and become willing to make amends to them all. And I've got to tell you this. I don't know about you, but I didn't harm anybody that didn't deserve it. If that guy in the bar hadn't have said that, I wouldn't have hit him. That's the bottom line. And if my wife didn't act the way she acted, I wouldn't have acted the way I acted. So it was never my fault. It was her fault. And so I wasn't going to make no list. And then it says, make direct amends to people unless it would harm them or others. And I'm not going to make direct amends to anybody because I didn't offend anybody that bad. And the tenth step said that every day I need to continue to take that inventory. And when I'm wrong, promptly admit it. And I figured this is your program. And if I wait long enough, you'll make amends. And if I wait long enough, you'll make amends to me. That's just how I looked at it. And then I've got to tell you, and I'm not trying to offend anybody, and I'm not trying to be cute or anything, but the eleventh step says that I've got to seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God. And I couldn't meditate when I got here. Meditation is when you get quiet in a quiet place and clear your mind, and you're taking in the world and nature and all this other stuff, and just clearing your mind and being calm. And when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I got all calm and started to think, I started to think about me. And I thought about naked women. And I thought about robbing armored cars and taking those women down to the Bahamas. I mean, that's the bottom line. Maybe you can get quiet and get with God and get with one and, you know, everything. I can't do that. My mind gets busy, and I think about things that make me happy. And I'm just being honest with you. And I have a hard time meditating today, as a matter of fact. But I get on my knees every morning, and I get on my knees at night. But I do. I just have a hard time meditating today. And then the 12-step says, as a result of working those other 11, I'm going to have a spiritual awakening, and I'm going to help the alcoholic that still suffers. And when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't care about the alcoholic that still suffered. I could have cared less if you stayed sober. I had no idea what sobriety meant, what alcoholism meant, or anything else. And that's how I looked at those 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous when I got here. And I'm glad that I stuck around long enough in AA to find out that what those 12 steps are is a set of tools for me to work in my life, so when I leave a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, I know how to act out there in public. And I know how to act at home with my family. And I know how to act in grocery stores and malls and these other places, because I don't know how to act out there. I run kind of a muck even today. And so I really have to work this program outside the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. The other thing is, is I didn't want to call my sponsor every day. I don't know about you, but I couldn't see calling him because I didn't want to tell him anything. And so I didn't want him grinding me or asking me questions. And so I didn't want to call him, and I might be busy. I might be going to lunch with somebody important or watching something on TV if I'd have had one. But so, you know, I wasn't going to call my sponsor. But something funny happens to me when I come to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I listen to Chapter 5 and the 12 Traditions Read and Participation in Birthdays of the Speaker, by the time I leave that AA meeting I always feel better. I have a sponsor today and I call him Monday through Friday. To this day I still call him Monday through Friday. And I don't have to. I just do. But something funny happens when I pick the phone up and I dial his number and when I hear his voice on the other end of that phone I feel better. And that's why I call my sponsor Monday through Friday. And like I said, when I apply these 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous outside these rooms, my life seems to go a little more harmoniously with the world around me. And so that's why I do Alcoholics Anonymous. And it's not because I'm a wonderful person or anything else. It's because Alcoholics Anonymous saves my sanity. I have no reason for being an alcoholic. I mean, look at me. I don't look like an alcoholic. You folks up here in San Jose look like alcoholics. I can tell you that. You ought to be standing up here looking out at this. This is frightening. And I'm not judging you. I'm only telling you what I see. That's all. It's not a problem. But I have no reason for being an alcoholic. My parents are not alcoholic. They were married to each other 50 years, and they provided me a good home. And I'm not judging them. I'm only telling you what I see. That's all. It's not a problem. But I have no reason for being an alcoholic. They provided me a good home. And I did everything as a kid growing up that kids want to do. And I've got to tell you that I'm an alcoholic because I drank like a pig, and when I didn't drink, I acted like a pig. And the only thing I do is AA. I'm not one of those people that's searching for an inner child to nourish and nurture and bring out and buy a little backpack for a teddy bear and wear it in meetings and shit. I'm not one of those. If I ever locate my inner child, I will choke him unconscious. That's all. That's all. I'll tell you that right off. I was telling them at dinner tonight, I've had a 58-year childhood, okay? My whole life has been a childhood, so I'm not searching to look for an inner child or anything else. I'm just an alcoholic, and that's what AA stands for, is Alcoholics Anonymous. And I grew up in Illinois into a great family. Mom and Dad, like I said, were married to each other 50 years, and they provided a great home for me. And I played Little League Baseball and Pony League, and I played sports in high school, and I won nine letters, and I had offers to go to college and play basketball. And it was hoop time. I love this place. And I could have went to this university in the Midwest to play basketball. So that's not why I'm an alcoholic. I came here, and I did that inventory, and I read it to my sponsor, talked about my defects of character and shortcomings. And what else I found out about me growing up, because I didn't analyze my childhood, is that I was a liar and a cheat and a thief growing up. It's just easier to steal than it is to stand in line and pay for something. And when you shoplift an item and leave the store, you're a double winner because you've got your money in the item. You can't beat that. I lied all the time because it's easier to lie than it is to tell the truth. And when you're a liar, you can be anything you want to be. And when you tell the truth, the truth is just out there. You can't change it. And when I lied, I could be everything I wanted to be. I could be an airline pilot, which I was. I was a truck driver. I was a biker. I was a gynecologist. I've done it all. You can do anything you want to do when you're a liar. And so I started lying at an early age. I picked it up naturally. My parents didn't teach me how to do that. It just came naturally to me. And that's how I got to where I am today. And I cheated all the time because I never wanted to work hard or anything. And so that's how I was growing up. Like I say, those aren't the reasons I'm an alcoholic. The other thing I wanted to do was be macho. Look at me. I look like Mr. Peepers. And no chance at being macho. And, you know, so to make up for that and to feel macho, I hung out in Danville with a bunch of guys that they called juvenile delinquents back there with ducktail haircut and long sideburns. And they wore black leather jackets with bicycle chains on them and zippers and doodads. And these guys carried switchblade knives, bicycle chains, and zip guns. And they were macho guys. And for a wimp like me, that was an adrenaline rush. And I couldn't tell those guys I was afraid of the dark. I know nobody here in San Jose is afraid of the dark. But I was. I was afraid of the dark, and I was ashamed of that. And all those wimpy feelings came because I thought I was a wimp because I was afraid of the dark. And these guys scared me, and we had rumbles back then. And these guys would hit guys with a chain or a brick or a club, and it wouldn't bother them. And they'd go on to the next guy and punch him out. And I'd hit some guy with a club or a stick, and I'd feel sorry for him. And I'd go home and worry about if that guy was hurt. And that's how I was before I ever took a drink of alcohol. And what happened was I was at a party one night in Danville. It was a hot summer night. And my girlfriend was there and all the guys from the ball club and everything. And they were drinking and stuff and having a good time. And I'm standing up on the wall, and I want to be macho. And my girlfriend brought me over an iced tea glass full of slow gin and 7-Up. And I didn't know what slow gin was, but it was red, and it had ice in it, and it looked cool. And I took a drink, and it tasted like strawberry Kool-Aid. And that was my drink of choice back then. I loved strawberry Kool-Aid. And so I chugged a glass of slow gin and 7-Up. And nothing happened. Nothing happened. A lot of men, speakers, stand up. He said, and tell you how their tip of their hair and the tip of their fingers and the alcohol was warm. And they all got 6 feet 4, 240 pounds, and their pimples fell off. And, you know, that didn't happen to me. I just drank it down, gave her the glass, said, Get me another one, and she did. She brought over another one, and I drank that down. And, you know, I didn't go find an old wrinkle trench coat, throw a bottle of wine in a paper bag, and shoot down to Skid Row. I didn't talk to the high school counselor about being an alcoholic or any of that stuff. What do you got to do to be an alcoholic? I want to speak in San Jose someday. You know, that wasn't my goal in high school. And, you know, and I got to tell you this, that I wasn't drinking for the taste of alcohol or what alcohol was doing to me or for me or any of the other things I've heard when people share. I was drinking for one reason and one reason only. All my buddies at that party were drinking. I drank to fit in with those guys. I wanted to be a part of it. I figured I could do what they're doing if I drank like those guys are drinking, dancing, laughing, necking with their girlfriends in the corner, and it looked cool, and I wanted to do that. But I'm self-centered, I'm self-conscious, and I don't want to ask you to dance. You'll say no, and, you know, I don't want to talk to you. You're going to think I'm stupid. And so, you know, I thought if I drank like those guys, I could have the fun those guys are having, and that's why I drank that night. And I drank almost a gallon of slow gin in about 30 minutes. Nothing happened. It was no big deal. I didn't get knee-walking, commode-hugging, puking on your dress shoes drunk. But about 20 minutes after that last glass of slow gin and 7-Up, I found out where slow gin got its name. I got drunk as hell, went into a blackout, got taken home that night, passed out. The next morning when I come to, I am puking everything I had eaten and drank that night. I'm throwing everything up, and everything's red, and I thought it was blood, and I was scared. I had a hangover. My head's throbbing. My stomach's upset, and I can't remember how I got home that night. And I didn't know what a blackout was back then. I didn't know until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, and the old-timers told me what a blackout was. And I don't know if you drank in blackouts or not. Well, some of you did, because I can tell who you're sitting with. You damn sure wouldn't be with me if it wasn't a blackout. Again, I'm not judging anybody. It's just what I see. It's just the way it is. But I found out, for me, a blackout is an indication I have a problem drinking. And a blackout means that when I consume alcohol, I go do whatever it is I'm going to do, and then the next morning I have amnesia about parts of that night, or all of that night. And when I look back over my drinking, I used to drink and go to parties or movies with my wife or girlfriend, and the next morning I'd come to, and they'd be telling me all about it, and they're all excited and everything. I wouldn't even know what the hell they're talking about. I have no recollection of going to a movie with them. And then I'd go in a bar, and I'm in there drinking. I get ready to leave, and I walk out, and my car's gone. And I don't know how you lose a 4,000-pound automobile. And so I go in and call the police and report it stolen. And when the police come, I'll have everybody else split from the bar, and there sits my car, and I say, well, I guess they brought it back, officer. And they're looking at me funny. And then at the end of my morning, I wake up in these places, and it's dark, and I don't know where in the hell I'm at, and I'm in bed with something. I don't know what this is, and the hair's all matted down on it. Somebody should have tagged it for the Humane Society. I just really don't know where I got this from. And you have to sneak out before it wakes up because it will harm you if it does. And those are blackouts, and those are indications I had a problem drinking from the very first time I drank, and I didn't know that. And that's the way it was, and I missed three days of school with a terrible hangover, and I went back to school, and the guys told me about that night, and I had no recollection, but they told me I was dancing and laughing and funny, and some guy said something, and when I smoked him, we had to collect up money for the screen door that we broke. And when those guys told me about that night, what I felt was a part of those guys. I didn't remember any of it or anything, but it sounded like I had a great time, and that was good enough for me. And the other thing is, is from that day back then to tonight, I don't drink 7-Up anymore. Who would drink that stuff if it causes blackouts and makes you throw up and miss school? So I just quit drinking 7-Up. But I felt a part of those guys. Now, I didn't turn into a blazing alcoholic after that and get the shakes in study hall when I didn't drink or anything. I drank when I could get it, and it was on weekends, and when I drank, I got drunk. And when I got drunk, I got in fights because I'm afraid. And I can't tell you about that fear, and what I have to do is keep you away from me, and I did that by fighting. And then I'd steal stuff and give it to you. So you'd like me, and then you'd dare me to do something. I've got to go do it because that's what stupid people do when they get drunk. I dare you to go do this. Oh, I'll go do it. I'm macho. I can do that. So you go out and do it and make an ass of yourself. So that's the way it was in high school. And I'm fighting and stealing and getting in trouble and doing stupid things. And then about two weeks before graduation from high school, we had about two weeks to go, and I've got a committee in my head now, and the committee's talking to me all the time. I don't know if you have a committee or not, but my committee kicked in and said, what if you go to that college? And don't make the basketball team. Well, that scared me. I'm going on a basketball scholarship. I'm supposed to be something. And then my head says, what if you don't get grades good enough to stay on the team? Well, that scared me. I don't want to go to college and look bad in front of the other students and look like I'm stupid or ignorant or something and look like a wimp or a wussy. And so that scared the hell out of me. And I don't know how you deal with fear, but what I did is I made a keen alcoholic decision. I quit high school. It made sense to me. You can't go to college on a scholarship if you quit high school. So I quit. It made sense to me. And then about two weeks later, the committee's back talking to me. I've got to make some more decisions. And I had another keen alcoholic thought. I joined the Marine Corps. If you're a wimp and a wussy and afraid of the dark, going in the Marine Corps is a bad deal. I'm going to tell you that right up front. I should have probably went in the Air Force. That's all. Or the Navy. Either one. It doesn't matter. Don't turn on me. I have the might. And I'm going to tell you that right up front. It will get ugly in here. But I joined the Marine Corps. And I'm on a train getting ready to go up to Chicago. And I'm sitting next to a guy in a black leather jacket. He's got a ducktail haircut and long sideburns. And I want to hang out with him in Chicago because I'm afraid. And I don't want anybody to know about that fear. I'm going to the big city. And it's the first time I left home. So I'm full of fear and everything and anxiety. And he's drinking out of this little brown bottle. And he says, do you want a drink of this? And so to fit in with him, I said, yeah, I'll take a hit off of that. And I took the bottle and I turned it up. And I chugged like three or four big mugs. I had a mouthfuls of it. And it was whiskey. Now, I don't know how you drank whiskey at the age of 17. But what I did is sprayed that crap all over the seats in front of me. And I had tears in my eyes. I had whiskey coming out my nose. I couldn't breathe. And this guy's looking and laughing at me. And I hated that. And so I wiped off my face. And I handed him the bottle. And I said, you know, that stuff is pretty good. Yeah, right. And he said, well, you want another drink? And I said, I can't even breathe right now. But I drank. You fit in and be a part of it. That's why I drank. And I got sworn in up in Chicago. And they sent me down to Marine Corps Recruit Depot, San Diego. And I got in the Marine Corps. And I went through boot camp scared. And I was homesick and lonely. And all the guys in boot camp were older than me. They were all 19, 20-year-old. And so I sucked it up. And I put a facade out there. And I acted like what I thought a man should act. I'm a macho guy, 17-year-old, thick glasses, you know, a little wimp. You know, but I tried to act like a man. And I got through boot camp. And I ended up at Camp Pendleton in the infantry. And the Cuban crisis happened in October of 62. And we shot down the coast and went through the Panama Canal and did that whole deal. And I was just scared and knew we were going to war. And, you know, I was ashamed of that because Marines ain't supposed to be afraid. And I was. And then we came back through the Panama Canal. And we went over to the Far East for 13 months. And mine ended up being a little longer than that because I ended up locked up in the brig, for Christ's sakes. But we got over there and unpacked that first night. And the guy said, hey, Frank, we're going out to get drunk. Do you want to go with us? And I said, no. And I felt like. They asked me to go out with them. I felt macho. I'm going out with the guys. And so we went out in the Ville. And we bought a Typhoon 5th, a Saki. And it held about two gallons. Cost 75 cents. And these guys are passing the bottle around. And they're chug-a-lugging that stuff. And they're doing this. Guys do male bonding things, slapping each other on the back, hugging and punching each other. You know, they're cool. And, you know, the bottle gets around to me. And I chug-a-lug three or four big mouthfuls of that stuff. And I don't know how you drank Saki at the age of 17. But I sprayed that stuff all over there. And they're laughing and pointing and making fun of me. And I hated that. I got Saki coming out my nose. My eyes are watering. I can't breathe. And, you know, they're laughing and pointing. And I hated that feeling of being a wimp and not being able to do what the cool guys are doing. And, you know, the bottle would come around. And I drank some more and puked it up and drank some more and puked it up. And then I realized something. If you're going to be an alcoholic, you can't let looking bad bother you. You've just got to hang in. So I hung in. That's all. And, you know, I finally kept holding. I was holding enough down each time, a little bit each time, and then something funny happened. And I don't know what alcohol did for you, but what alcohol did for me when I held enough alcohol down was this. I looked at those five or six other Marines I was drinking with, and I realized something. These guys are punks. Why am I hanging out with these sissies? See, when I drank, I was everything I needed to be. I didn't need you. I became bulletproof and invisible. I went off. I left those guys, held them. They were a bunch of sissies. And I went out drinking on my own. I'm in another bar. I'm drinking. I'm shooting pool. A Marine said something from another unit I took offense to, and I hit him in the face with a pool cue. Now, in the movies, it looked cool. But he's laying there bleeding, and they're calling the MPs, and I'm scared now. I'm going to the brig. And, you know, I don't want to go to the brig. I've got fear. That guy's hurt. I don't know how bad, and I'm scared. And I've got to get the hell out of there, and I run out of that bar down through the alleys in Anoka, and I go in another bar, and I'm sitting there drinking. And the more drinks I put down, something funny happens. That fear goes away. I ain't afraid of going to the brig. I figure they'll know. They'll never take me alive. We're going to fight to the death. That's all. And then I start bragging about hitting that guy with the Marine sitting next to me. And then I look down at the end of the bar, and there's a Nason sitting down there, and I'm a sucker for a pretty face. Women have been able to soak me for every dime I've got all my life. It's just a damn shame what women do to me. This is a sad part of my story. They've been bankrupting me since I was 17. And she slides up next to me, and she asks me to buy her a drink, and being a nice guy, I bought her a drink. And then she starts telling me this story about her mom who needs surgery. And it just broke my heart. And so I gave her some more money, and her and I trudged the road of happy destiny to her hooch. And I'd like to stand up here and tell you what a great time we had that night. And she probably still remembers it to this day. It was over too quick for me to remember it. And, God, I hate performance. I hate professionals. And take that out of the tape, Jim. I didn't mean to say that. Take that off the tape. I think Bayard in San Jose brings the worst out of me. I have never said that any time I've ever talked. I just, that will never happen again. I swear to God. And I thought he'd be dead by now. What the hell's up with that? Jesus Christ. You know, he just won't die. He'll never be back. Don't worry about it. Jim's been a friend of mine since I met him about 18 years ago or so. And he's a good man. A little weird, but he's a good man. But anyway, when she went to clean up, that hurt my little chinchy ego and my little macho attitude. And I was a little embarrassed. And so I stole my money out of her headboard and set her house on fire. Just made sense to me at the time. And I split and went back to the base and passed out. And probably the next morning I come through. And I'm puking up. Everything I had eaten, drank in the bill that night. And I'm sicker than a dog. And I don't remember anything that went on in the bill. I had no recollection of that night whatsoever. So I'm in the head throwing up. And the guys are telling me the MPs are looking for who hit that guy. And the fear come back. Now I'm afraid again. I know I'm going to the brig. And then they tell me about a fire in the bill that night. And I was ashamed of that. You see, my father hadn't raised me to treat women that way. And I never heard my dad raise his voice to my mom. And so I don't know where that came from. And I was ashamed of that and felt a lot of guilt. And I didn't know how I was going to make that. But right. And I found out a secret that morning in Okinawa. I opened up my locker. And there was a bottle with a big red dot on it. And that's called Akadama wine. And I took that wine down that morning and unscrewed the cap. And I chuggled on some of it. And I didn't puke it up. And so I drank a little bit more of that wine. And I went out to formation. And by the time that formation was over and I came back into barracks, something funny had happened. My headache was gone. My stomach was so down I didn't have a hangover. Now I don't know what that tells you. But what that tells me is if I drink in the morning, I don't have to have a hangover. I don't have to be sick. I went right back to that locker, broke that wine up, put some in a canteen cup, started drinking it. Twenty minutes later, I started to brag about hitting that guy with a pool cue. Started to brag about setting that woman's house on fire. You see, when I drank, I didn't care about being responsible. When I drank, I didn't care about repercussions of my actions. When I drank, I didn't care about paying my bills. I didn't care about the people's lives I walked through or the people's feelings I hurt. When I drank, nothing mattered but me. I am the mighty I am. And I became a morning drinker and a drinker of the morning. And I became a morning drinker and a drinker of the morning. I became a daily drinker at the age of 17 and all my money went on booze and the women in the bars and I became a bar fighter because I'm afraid and I don't want you to know that and I'm too light to fight and too thin to win and so I developed a technique of ambush and I started getting in trouble and some guy would say something and I'd hit him with an ashtray and then I'd make a stripe and they'd take it away from me and then I'd get restricted to the base and then they'd restrict me to my barracks and if you'd have walked up to me over there and said, Frank, you know, every time you drink, you get in trouble. I could have given you reasons why that's not true. You see, this is the only desire in the world that's killing you and your head says that ain't the problem. It's always something else. And so if you'd have come up to me and said, Frank, it's your drinking. If you'd stop that, you'd get along better because you always get in trouble when you drink. I would have given you this. If that guy in the bar hadn't have said that, I wouldn't have hit him with a bottle of beer. So it ain't my fault. It's his fault. He needs to learn to shut up. And if the duty NCO hadn't have told me to shut up and hit the rack, I wouldn't have smacked him. But nobody tells me to shut up. You don't have a right to talk to me that way. And what happened was I started to rationalize and justify everything that happened. And if it wasn't me, it was them. I blamed the wife, the kids, the boss, the police department, the Marine Corps. I blamed everybody and everything until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. The old-timer snapped me up and said, if you want to see the problem slim, go look in the mirror. The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are made for you to work, not the people around you. You're the one that has to become different, not the people around you. That I rationalized and justified everything bad that happened to me, it was never my fault. When I got here, I was a victim. What happened was I ran out of money to drink on over there and I ended up, you know, you intuitively know this, the cab drivers in foreign countries rip us servicemen off. I knew that. No one had to tell me. Their meters were fixed. And so I decided to rob him to get some of my money back. And then he fought back. And that there baffled me. I couldn't believe that. It's my money. So I held his head down on the pavement and I picked up a rock the size of a cell phone and beat his face in with it. And that man almost died. And I was in a lot of trouble and they put me in the brig and my father flew over to Okinawa and he met with the commanding general. He paid for that man's surgery and paid for the cab company and his retirement. I brought some letters and did some things and anyway, a deal was cut and I just begged the Marine Corps not to throw me out. It's the only thing I knew how to do. I was 18 years old now. And to make a long story short, by the time paperwork went through after my court-martial to get me released from that brig and sent to another duty station, I had spent almost a year locked up in that brig. And if you'd have told me it was behind trying to rob that cab driver to get money to drink on, I could have given you reasons why that's not true. Because I could rationalize and justify it. I could justify all my bad actions. And what happened was I got out of that brig and they sent me to Camp Lejeune, North Carolina in 1964. I met a girl in Illinois on my way down there and I married her. She was just out of high school and I took her down there with me and she wants me to stay home and be a husband. And I don't know about you but I'm a bar drinker. I like the bars. I like the intelligent guys and beautiful women. That's it. And so I don't know what you would do to get out of the house but what I would do is I would start a fight with her. And her and I would have that cuss fight that alcoholics have. And now I can't drink in a noisy place. With her yelling and shit I can't drink there. And so that would give me the reason to get out in the bars and drink. So I'd leave. And I'd go out in the bars. Then I'd get in a fight in the bars and I'd have to leave and go to another bar. Then me and some honey would lock eyes and I'd got to be validated. I don't feel like a man and it takes a woman to validate me because that's what macho guys got to do. And so her and I would go do what we got to do and I'm laying there sobering up and I start to think and when you're drinking you should never think. That's a bad deal. And I start thinking about that wife at home and what I realize is the feelings you have when you're a liar and a cheat and you're unfaithful and now I can't go home and look at that woman because I feel that guilt and that shame. So what I do is stop in a bar and have a couple of shooters and a beer and what my head says is well this is what macho guys do don't worry about it and so I can go home now. And then I walk in the house and she says where have you been? Now I hate that question. Now I've got to lie to her. I wouldn't be a liar if she didn't ask questions like that. So it's not my fault it's her fault. And then we have another customer fight and I'm back out in the bars again and then I come into Alcoholics Anonymous and what I found out is I'm too immature to be a husband. I didn't know that. My intentions all my life have been great it's my actions that suck. But my intentions was to be a good husband like my dad was. And I don't know where I went wrong and what you guys told me was is my wife is none of my business. It's not my job to tell her what to wear. It's not my job to tell her what to cook for dinner. It's not my job to tell her how to clean that house. My sponsor told me if I don't like how that house looks clean it yourself. That's a cold shot. I spent a lot of time cleaning the house. Tail's up with that. And if you don't like what she cooks for dinner cook your own. And what I had to learn in Alcoholics Anonymous is those 12 steps are made for me to work not my family. My wife does not have to work this program she's not an alcoholic. And it's up to me and she is none of my business and I need to take care of me and take what's in front of me and do what I'm supposed to do and treat people around me the way I want to be treated and I learned that here. Then we had a kid and I don't know how to treat kids. They make messes. They break things. They spill stuff. They crap their... About 12 years... What's up with that? Kids ought to be born about 12 year old in potty training. That's... I like a house that looks like nobody lives in it. And then that kid would cry and then that would make me crazy and I'm drinking and I'd shake her and I'd throw her in the crib and then the wife would start and we're arguing and the kid's crying and I can't drink in a noisy place. I've got to get the hell out of there. And then I know I'm a bad father and I know I'm an abusive father and the only thing that will take that kind of guilt and shame away is a couple of shots of whiskey. And what the couple of shots of whiskey does is tell me that what you're doing is teaching that kid discipline. And what I found out is when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous the kids are little people. And that's what they do when they grow up is they touch things and move them around and spill things and that's how they learn and grow. And I was told here to never put my hands on my children unless I'm going to put my arms around them and hug them. I was told here never to raise my voice in that house. Do not use the language in your home that you use in the bars. I don't want you cussing around your kids and your wife anymore. And I was told that I had to clean my language and my actions up in my home because that's where I had a problem living. And I didn't know that until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous that I don't walk around using the F word and cussing and stuff with my children and my wife or anybody standing around now. I really get tired of hearing veterans whine about that crap. Jesus, it just makes me crazy. Because Vietnam ain't my problem. I'm not sober a long time. I'm sober about 21 years and 8 months. But I still go to at least 5 meetings a week. And I've been to a lot of A&M's. I've been to AA meetings and I have yet to see a North Vietnamese soldier walk into an AA meeting and take a Vietnam vet out at gunpoint and make him drink. So how the hell can you blame those people? I don't understand it. I guess they're like buttholes and mothers. Everybody's got an excuse. None of my business. But I've got to tell you Vietnam's not my problem. I'll tell you what my problem was. I was afraid. I couldn't tell anybody about that fear because I'm not supposed to be afraid. I'm a Marine. I'm a sniper. At 67, 68 I was up at Khe Sanh and Khanty Inn. I'm not supposed to be afraid. I'm supposed to be macho except I was afraid. And I couldn't tell anybody about that fear. I'm ashamed of that. And so what I found out was if I put 151 proof rum in my canteens and I drink that I'm bulletproof and invisible. And I'm not afraid anymore. And what happens is now I can go out and I can do what I've got to do to show everybody what a tough guy I am and how macho I am. And I did a lot of bad things to a lot of people over there and I'm not proud of that. But what would happen is I'd come back and at Harborside I'd get that canteen out and when I drink that stuff out of my canteens it takes the guilt and shame away. And what alcohol did for me in Vietnam is save my sanity. That's what it did for me in Vietnam. And I did a lot of bad things to a lot of people over there and I'm not proud of that. That's just where alcohol took me. I had to show everybody what a tough guy I was and that's how I did that. And what I found out in Alcoholics Anonymous after I got here and I was here a while is all I have is right now and if I can put enough nows together I'm going to have it tonight. That's all. I can't put enough nows together to change my past. I can't undo the things I did over there. I can't undo any of the things I've done in my past. There are some things I'd like to undo but I can't. What I try to do today is not treat people the way I used to treat them. What I try to do today is not react to every thought I have that I perceive an injustice on me. I try not to react to my thoughts. My sponsor says think anything you want to think just don't act on it. And I had to learn here that all I can do is try to work these 12 steps today outside these rooms and try not to do the things I used to do. But what alcohol did for me in Vietnam has saved my sanity. That's all. I got wounded over there during a siege at Khe Sanh and I come back to the States. I get out of the hospital. My wife wants me to stay home and be a husband. We had a son born to us while I was over there. My daughter's growing up. They're wanting my attention. The kid's crying. The wife's on me and I've been home 24 hours laying to get the hell out of the house. I want to go drink in the bars and we're having that cuss fight again and I tell her to shut up or I'll kill you. And that woman don't believe me. And I walked in the closet and I got a gun out and I walked back in that kitchen and I said if you don't shut up I'll kill you. And when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous I told you I didn't believe in God. I'd done too many bad things but you people told me there's always been a higher power in my life and when I look back over my life and the things that have happened to me over 58 years I know that to be true today. I wouldn't have believed it when I was new. I believe it today. But I'm standing there with that gun. My daughter's standing between my legs. She's pulling on me telling me don't shoot her mommy. I'm trying to get the safety off the gun. I left it home with her. It was rusted and the safety wouldn't come off and I hit a pin at the base of the receiver and I pushed that pin back in and the gun went off. That was the firing pin. And the bullet went through my hand down between my legs where my daughter was standing. And the bullet didn't hit her. I could have accidentally shot and killed my daughter that day in a drunken rage. Why? Because my wife would not do what I was telling her to do and I am the mighty I am. Shortly after that she divorced me for Christ's sakes. I couldn't believe it. I fired one shot. I shot myself in the hand and she split. She took the kids. I don't know about you but I drank over that. I drank over that. I thought I was a good father. Alcohol will totally dilute your thinking into believing anything you want to believe about yourself. And it's the only disease in the world that's killing you and your head says you ain't got a problem with it. She took the kids and split. I went on a drill field in San Diego and her crew flipped her lockers open. I stole from them and I thought I taught them a lesson. I took that money to drink on the bars in San Diego. I used to abuse them and haze them because I thought that made you macho. I was fighting in the bars in San Diego and about two and a half years on the drill, I had a keen alcoholic thought. I think I'll go back to Vietnam. That's where the men are. I volunteered. I went back to Vietnam for a second tour. I was with First Marines over there this time. I was an infantry platoon sergeant and all I did was repeat my bad actions from the first time. And again, what alcohol did for me is save my sanity. Like I say, I'm not proud of the things I did over there. That's where alcohol took me. I wish I could have come to Alcoholics Anonymous by drinking a little bit too much or raising my voice at home. I wish I could have got here by not drinking or by not paying my bills. But I didn't get here like that. I took a hard road, a desperate road and an ugly road. And thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous I have a way to go that I don't have to live that way anymore. But I did a lot of bad things to a lot of people over there. This time I got shot up in an ambush. I come back to the States to get out of the hospital. I'm at Camp Pendleton. I've been in the Marine Corps 11 years. They want me to come back after lunch and I can't do that. I've got to drink now to keep the demons away. So after 11 years active duty I took my discharge and got out of the Marine Corps. So I can't come back after lunch. I've got to drink. I did what Macho Guys was doing back then. I became a police officer in Southern California. And what I did is I took alcoholism on the street with me and I took fear. I'm afraid. I can't tell my partner in the police car I'm afraid of those alleys that there's demons in them alleys that if I go down there and I tell him about them he'll think I'm crazy if he don't see them. And he knows I'm a Marine and he knows I'm a Vietnam vet but I can't tell him about that fear so before I go to work I drink and when I drink what happens is that fear goes away. Now, I can go to work and when I go to work now and you scare me I get violent. I was a violent police officer in the city I worked in. I'm not proud of that. That's where alcohol took me. And because of Alcoholics Anonymous today we have a lot of institutions here in California and I get to go speak in those institutions and I make my amends to those guys and I tell them what I used to be like. And I tell them what I used to do and I do the best I can today to try not to treat people that way. And I've got to tell you I hear a lot of speakers stand at these podiums and when they get sober they get wonderful. And they never offend anybody. And they don't gossip and they don't spread rumors and they're just walking with God hand in hand and they're just wonderful people because they've got time and they're never late to work and they don't yell at their kids and they don't do shit. That's, you know, they don't even have commitments to the meetings but they ain't going to bring that up. And I'm not judging them it's just the way it is. But I've got to tell you I'm not like that and I know you can't tell but I'm not a good man today because I'm almost 22 years sober and I'm not a good man and I'm not a good father today because I'm almost 22 years sober and I'm not a good husband today because I'm sober. What I'm trying to be today is a good member of Alcoholics Anonymous because this is the only program that allows me to walk free outside these rooms with a quiet head. It's the only program in the world that allows me to suit up and show up and have a little self-respect and a little dignity in my life today and not act the way I used to act most of the time. And I never say no to an AA request and I work these steps to the best of my ability and I try to work out outside these rooms like everybody knows I'm an AA so I don't embarrass this program. But I can tell you this I'm a better husband and father and man today than I was 22 years ago and hopefully tomorrow I'll be a little bit better than I was today but if you're new I've got to tell you you watch some of these old timers you think you've got to do this perfect you don't. You don't have to do this program perfect you've just got to do it no matter what. You've got to show up you've got to get a sponsor and get commitments and put your faith and your trust in Alcoholics Anonymous and put it before your wife your kids your job or anything else because if you don't you're going to drink those things up anyway. And so I've got to tell you I'm just not wonderful because I'm sober. What I'm trying to do is be a good member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I have people in my home group down at the Pacific group and they'll say I don't know that son of a bitch stays sober. Look how he acts look how he talks look how he treats people and I'm going to give you the secret. I'm going to tell you right now how I do it. I don't drink. I don't drink and I have not changed my commitment to Alcoholics Anonymous in 21 years and 8 months. Alcoholics Anonymous is the most important and most important thing in my life. Nothing comes before AA. I don't miss my meetings I don't miss the commitments I don't miss calling back the guys that I sponsor I don't miss calling my sponsor Monday through Friday I don't miss getting on my knees at night and in the morning and I take AA very seriously. That's how I do it. I don't drink. And I have a good life today and a quiet head. That's how. And that's what I tell them down there. That's how I do it. You've got to try it. It'll work. And now I've got to tell you what happened was I got married again and we had a kid and then my wife got pregnant. I don't feel like a man I don't feel macho so I've still got to be validated so I started to have an affair with my partner. Time has moved on and I have a female partner. For you quick thinkers I just want to make that clear. Did you hear that? He had an affair with his partner. Well, it was a female. And my partner found out I got my wife pregnant and she took offense to that and she shot me for Christ's sakes. And yeah. Okay. That's not funny. You think that's funny. I didn't think it was funny. She shot me in the head. I don't have to worry about where I part my hair. There's a big gouge right down my scalp. So I thought rather than get gunned down in the police car I'd resign. And so I left the police department and what happened was I got a real estate license. And if you think money, property, and prestige will fix it if you're an alcoholic of my type money doesn't take away guilt. Money doesn't take away shame or rage or anger. or abuse or your actions. Money doesn't change any of those things if you're an alcoholic of my type. I made a lot of money. I bought a brand new Cadillac. I paid cash for that in 1977. I bought my wife one. Paid cash for it. We bought a house on a quarter acre. Put a swimming pool in. Three old putting green. My kids wore designer clothes. I had gold chains, diamond pinky rings, medallions. I had looked like I had an Alano starter kit. It was just hideous. And money didn't fix it. Money didn't take any of those things away. And at the age of 20, at the age of 36, I stood there and I looked around and what I had worked all my life to get was gone. The wife and kids had left me. The house on a quarter acre, the swimming pool, the cars, the jewelry, the clothes. Everything I owned was in a cardboard box in the back seat of a stolen car. And that's a hell of a note for a former police officer. And when you have no place to live and no roof over your head, you are called homeless. I don't care how you cover it up. You're homeless. And I ended up homeless. And I ended up on the streets. I ended up very sick and I ended up passing some blood when I went to the bathroom and I was getting sick and having the things happen to you that if you treat yourself and eat and drink and live and be where I was, these are the things that happened to you. And a woman seen me that I had worked real estate with one day and she took me to her home and she cleaned me up and she took me to a doctor. And that doctor gave me a physical and they called me back in and she took me over there and I sit in that man's office and what that man told me that day is this. He said, Mr. Jones, he says, you're addicted to alcohol the way a heroin addict is to heroin and if you don't stop drinking you're going to die. He says, you have a hole in your throat, your hemorrhage and internally you have cirrhosis of the liver and he said, all the things that you have are as a result of the way you live and treat yourself and if you don't stop drinking you're going to die. And when that man told me that what I felt was relief because I was tired. I'd been busy out there. And I stood up and I shook that doctor's hand and I thanked him and I walked right out of his office and went straight to a liquor store and the money that woman gave me I bought myself a fifth to ten high whiskey and a case of beer. And I drank as hard and as fast as I could and to make another long story short my parents found out I was dying on the streets and wouldn't take care of myself and they had me committed. I couldn't believe they'd done that to me. I hadn't spoke to them in over three years. And if I could have got out of the restraints I'd have went up and rapped to them about it. But when you're strapped down baby you ain't getting up. So I found myself strapped down in a hospital and they pumped me full of vitamin B and magnesium to get me through the withdrawals and some of them I remember and some I don't and I had the cramps and the sweats and I seen the little things that fly and crawl and walk and after about ten or eleven days they had strapped me from that bed and what they did is made me go to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. I couldn't believe losers like you. I couldn't believe my eyes. They were just like you and they were doing what you were doing the night outside. You're all hugging and kissing and shaking hands and happy birthday and you know you all got your clean clothes on and the women have makeup and the guys are all neat and clean and I hated you and I could tell and I judged you and I know no one here judges anybody but I judged you and I thought you ain't been where I had been. I could tell by looking at you. You hadn't done the things in Vietnam I'd done when I was a cop. You hadn't abused two wives and four kids. You looked too good. You were too happy, too clean and I knew that and what you did is said Frank get your coffee shut up and sit down and I thought you don't talk to me that way I'll rip your throat out and no there's too many of us you're not going to do that. Shut up and sit down. Have respect for Alcoholics Anonymous and you told me to go to 90 meetings in 90 days if you want a drink come to AA. Go to 90 meetings in 90 days. That's what I heard you tell me and when I left that meeting I hated you because I knew you had not been on the streets like me. You could not have possibly been where I've been and look how you look and I came back the next day and I looked at you and I thought you people ain't made the money I made you ain't as slick as me as hip as me as macho as me you didn't have the cars the jewelry the clothes look at you losers and you said Frank you ain't got any of that shit now you're homeless get your coffee shut up and sit down. Go to 90 meetings in 90 days if you want a drink come to AA and that's what I heard over and over and over again. at those meetings and I gotta tell you if you're an alcoholic of my type and I don't know what type of alcoholic you are some of you I know some of you I know up here personally and you are but if you're an alcoholic maybe you quit drinking and you're okay maybe you can go to one meeting a week or one meeting a month and you don't have to call your sponsor you don't need a commitment at these meetings you don't need any of that and you get sober and you're just wonderful without any of it you're just all comfortable and cool and calm and serene without pills of course I just thought I'd throw that out there anybody can be calm and serene I wouldn't even be in an AA meeting if I could take antidepressants shit I wouldn't need to race all over the country speaking I'd just sit home on my couch with the remote who needs the 12 steps I ain't judging it ain't none of my business I ain't a doctor but it'd sure be easier for me if I could do that I'll tell you that ain't nothing I'd like to be more than semi-conscious but none of my business I didn't even mean to say that take that off the tape Jim but what happened was is if you don't get committed to these meetings put a first get yourself a sponsor and plug into this thing called Alcoholics Anonymous what happened to me might happen to you and I can't judge that but I walked out of that hospital and I stood out in that sun and I started crying and all the things I'd done all my life because I was as sober then as I am tonight and it came down and started sitting on my chest the abuse in Vietnam and when I was a cop and the kids and the bills and the steel everything came down and sat on my chest and was choking me out and I didn't want to take a drink of alcohol I wanted to commit suicide where do you go when you quit drinking and you want to take your own life you see I never heard about that before where do you go when life's closing in on you and you have no hope where do you go when you don't have a job no money in your pocket no transportation your family's gone no place to live there's no light at the end of that tunnel the world's pressuring in on you you got nothing to pay bills with or anything people are looking for you where do you go you see I haven't had a good time I haven't had a desire to take a drink in over 21 years I have had a desire to take my own life and if I felt pretty good about me I'll take your life I don't care I'm not proud I had no regard for you when I got here and what happened to me might happen to you if you don't plug into this thing called Alcoholics Anonymous if you don't get yourself a sponsor start working these steps get yourself a commitment at these meetings instead of just showing up and sucking the life out of it like you see a lot of people do if you don't get involved and give something back what happened to me might happen to you you see I came back to California found my wife and kids up here and brought them back down to Southern California we moved into a vacant garage in a six acre vacant field slept on the floor of that garage ate out of a styrofoam chest my kids put water on their cereal we ate government cheese and stuff and I didn't go to meetings because I'm macho we must have a physician in there on emergency call his cell phone just went off that would be the only reason to have your phone on is if you're a organ donor physician and you've got a transplant I'm not judging though shit if I'd have had my cell phone I'd star 69 what are you doing dude I'm at a meeting man you ought to be here this is cool I'm not going to be around long because I'm too cool but it's good right now I don't know why I get that way I try not to and if I offended anybody in here I apologize I don't mean the apology the book just says you've got to make it you don't have to mean it shit I'm definitely not serious about it but I did it that's all that counts and when I'm wrong promptly admit it deep down in my heart I don't think I'm wrong but what happened was I haven't gone to any meetings or anything and it's six months and I'm driving a stolen car with a 45 I'm looking for work fast lane to the freeway and I honk at this guy and tell him to get out of the way and he don't get out of the way and I don't know maybe up here in San Jose you're so wonderful without meetings or a sponsor or 12 steps or a higher power I don't know that you just pull around him and wave at him and go on about your business you see I didn't do that I re-ended him and then I chased him off the freeway and when he stopped I got out of the car with the gun and I walked up and I put the gun in his face and I said if you ever drive that slow again I'll kill you I didn't want a bourbon or water that day I wanted to take that man's life where do you go when life closes in on you and you get that desperate that angry that full of rage and you have no hope you don't have a sponsor to talk to you're not doing AA you don't have 12 steps you can't turn it over you can't let go and let God you haven't made any friends in the fellowship that you can call and say hey man I'm crazy how about all up in the aisle nobody to talk to where do you go at 10 months without a drink of alcohol no meetings I'm in Alpha Beta buying Pepsi and cigarettes you don't think I'd buy my children milk for their cereal do you maybe you were charitable when you got here and gave to everybody I'm selfish I'm self-centered and I'm worried about me and I'm not getting those kids anything until I get mine and I'm standing in line and it says 10 items or less cash only I'm not getting and my head kicks in and said count the ladies items in front of you and she's got 14 items in a 10 item line now maybe that don't aggravate you maybe you're serene without AA and stuff and not drinking or using maybe you're cool with that but then my committee's back because I'm starting to get a little intense and my head said is 12 eggs 12 items or is it just eggs there's 4 apples in the bag is that just apples or 4 more items 2 half gallons of milk is that milk or 2 more by the time I looked she had about 40 items and now I'm pissed and I'm standing there ready to launch and what do you do with anger that you can't back down and then she broke her checkbook out and I said you can't write a check it says cash lady and she smiled and said I'll be through in a minute sonny I said I've never been a sonny I said I'm not sonny right now and I said you're not writing a check and when I got there and I get angry I gotta touch you and I took eggs and milk I threw that shit all over Alphabeta that will get the sheriffs called on you 10 months sober I didn't want a pina colada that day I wanted a ripper blue wig off I've hated old people since that day and now I am one and I stand in line with 16 items now saying come on touch these punk it's not easy in this skin even with a sponsor in this program this is a task in here and then at 13 months without a drink and no AA I'm in a real estate office and Mike Gill walks by and said Frank how you doing and I said that's a personal question why are you prying into my private life I said I'll tell you how I'm doing I don't want anybody else to hear and I grabbed him by the throat and I pulled him on the desk I started choking him I said how in the hell do you think I'm feeling and I said I'm not a punk I had a nervous breakdown I didn't want a margarita to hold the salt that day I wanted to rip that guy's throat out maybe you won't get that way I gotta tell you how God worked in my life when I didn't believe in God a guy come up and they pull my fingers off this guy's throat dance here tonight you people ain't hearing that are you there ain't nothing going on is there yeah I knew it you're tricking me yeah I knew it there's nothing there I know that that's okay it'll go away when I use your cell phone I want to call my sponsor alright stop it I gotta hurry up and so they pried my fingers off his throat then they told me you need to go see this guy I can't help you and what they did is took me back to that I don't hear it and what they did is take me back to that garage and they sit with me for nine or ten days and I cried and at the end of nine or ten days they took me down to this man's office and I sit in his office and I cried okay and what that man told me that day sitting in his office has saved my sanity and my life up to and including tonight because this is what he told me he said Frank you haven't had a drink in over thirteen months he said right this minute he said drink is not your problem he said what you've got is a living problem and you need to find a living answer to your living problem and he says you'll find it in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous he said if you go to those meetings there's a group of people that's walked down that road before you got there fall in behind them and do the things they're doing he did not tell me to bring the body and the mind to follow the book says it's an action program are you going to cover up with that damn thing you alright the way you're waving it around I thought you were getting ready to pull it up and snug it up and turn it up to mommy okay I'm fine now got it turned up and uh must be an Al-Anon it would have to be sitting there knitting not listening shit can't be an alcoholic it's got to be somebody who don't care it's none of my business so that I can spot them I bet if I was knitting at an Al-Anon meeting it'd piss her off I bet if I was knitting how come he ain't paying attention huh why ain't he listening to the speaker I didn't mean nothing by that okay so I'm never going to come here and speak at an Al-Anon meeting big deal I don't go to those meetings anyway well what he told me to do is come in to AA and get plugged in he told me to get commitments at the meetings he told me to get in the front he told me to shut up and listen he told me to have respect for Alcoholics Anonymous because there's people in there playing you bet your life he told me to take Alcoholics Anonymous serious and put an effort into it he said don't go in and just suck the life out of the meeting he said there's enough people who get time that think they don't have to do anything anymore and he said never be so busy that you can't give 10 or 15 minutes to help clean up or stack chairs or take the trash out or wash the coffee pots he says give because you'll get back if you're a taker you're a loser he told me to come in here and shake hands or to get my sick mind off my sick self he told me to believe in a higher power and I said I can't do that don't believe in God and he said whoever puts the moon out at night and takes it down in the morning pray to them and I can understand that kind of talk and I came into these meetings and what's happened since I've been coming to Alcoholics Anonymous is you people told me to go home and tell my wife and kids I loved them and I said yeah but I don't I'd be lying it's an honest program and you guys told me you know what you've lied to them 10 years go lie to them some more and I went home and told those folks I loved them and I didn't and I told them day after day and week after week because you told me to do that and one day I went home and told them I loved them and something funny happened I loved them I don't know what program they'd been going to but they had changed and what I learned from that exercise is this it doesn't matter how I feel about the direction I don't have to believe that it's going to work I don't have to think I have to do it all I have to do is do it and by the time I get through doing it it has always benefited me I've never been given a direction by my sponsor or the old timers in Alcoholics Anonymous that's hurt me every direction I've been given to do in Alcoholics Anonymous has benefited my life it's helped to quiet my head down it's helped to calm my stomach and as a result of that I've had a pretty good life in Alcoholics Anonymous and when we get sober everything's not wonderful bad shit happens in sobriety nine years my dad died all I did was take my nine year medallion put it in his pocket when they lowered his coffin in the ground Johnny and Clancy said go home and support your mom she was married to him for 50 years and I took Alcoholics Anonymous home with me and when they buried him I supported my mother February of this year my brother died he had 17 years 10 months he got sober in my house we were very close and I loved my brother four days later my mom died July the 6th of this year one of my best friends in AA died with 21 years and all I did is kick it up to seven meetings a week and get my strength and my hope from you people nothing is ever going to happen to me in sobriety that you people can't get me through because I can come in here I can sit down shut up and listen and what I can do is get my strength from you people to help me get through the next day a drink a fix a pill a shot or a snort ain't going to change any of it all I'm going to have to do is pick a tab up after I use it so what I do is I use Alcoholics Anonymous I use it for everything in my life those daughters that were afraid of me and that I made crazy the ones an attorney she's general counsel for a medical center she did that in spite of me not because of me she did that because I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous to keep my nose out of her business and let her be an individual grow up and do what she wants to do and you know what she grew up just fine without me with me just taking Alcoholics Anonymous home and working on me my middle daughter just got her master's degree and she teaches fifth grade she did that in spite of me not because of me I'm not a good father but I learned to stay out of her business long enough to allow her to grow up and do what she wants to do and because we got God A.A. and Alan on in that home today that's why we have it my youngest daughter just got through working up in Washington with abused primates because she wants to be a veterinarian and she's a senior in college in San Diego I said what the hell are you working with primates for she said dad I lived with you 18 years this will be a piece of cake and that's just how it is and she's successful in spite of me not because of me I allowed to stay out of her life and let her grow up and my son who spent 13 years out of 17 in state prison he's a violent angry alcoholic I don't know where in the hell he got it from he's going to be sober two years in November and he's got the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and he and I have a relationship today and it's because of Alcoholics Anonymous not because of either one of us and good and bad things happen in sobriety and what I've learned to do is just suit up and show up at these meetings take Alcoholics Anonymous very seriously and have some respect for this program this program is absolutely saved my sanity and my life I spent two and a half years unemployed when I had 14 years sober my sponsor won't let me file bankruptcy he said you made the bills you're paying them and I finally got a job something I never wanted to do thought about doing or anything else I've caught up on the bills things are going alright today I got a good life and it's because of Alcoholics Anonymous if it didn't work I wouldn't be here I'm not a fool Alcoholics Anonymous works if you put something into it and if you're new or used you don't have to believe or listen to anything I've said tonight because it doesn't pertain to a soul in here it only pertains to me I need to remember what I used to be like what happened and how I am today and I have a good life I have a good life because of Alcoholics Anonymous I woke up this morning in a clean dry bed with clean sheets on it when I got here I didn't have sheets or a bed and I wasn't walking around dry all the time before I got here tonight I took a shower I shaved I got on clean clothes when I came to AA I wasn't showering and shaving and wearing clean clothes I sat down with some fine people tonight and had dinner and I didn't puke it up with a lot of alcohol and stomach bile behind it and if that's the only three things I got out of this deal I've been overpaid tonight but I'll tell you what if you're new or used you need to remember the first line of chapter 5 rarely have we seen a person fail or has thoroughly followed our path