I Graduated Magna Cum Laude from a 1.23 GPA – Emily S.

Hi everyone, Emily Sheets, alcoholic. My sobriety date is November 1st, 2004. And I have a sponsor. He's aware that he's my sponsor. And I have the privilege of sponsoring women. And I'm really happy to be here. Thanks for having me. I don't know. I'll thank the committee for having me here, but I do have a bone to pick. I don't know if you see the flyers around you. You see that everybody has a little topic to talk about. And you can take a look at all the topics that we've been given. And everybody else has like, God is awesome, you know, and like I'm recovered and doing great, you know. And then mine is like peculiar mental twist, you know. Like when they were going around the committee, like, what topic should we give Emily that she can really talk about well, you know. It's like, well, she's pretty effed up, you know. So thanks for that, guys, for your vote of confidence. But it is true. I'm really good at talking about that. I have a lot of experience with mental twistedness. Let's see. I don't know. Like, thank you for my road dogs coming with me. It's a nice little two-hour. It's a nice little two-hour drive from Philly. And thanks, Matt, for driving. I don't know, man. Like, I'm a little nervous now. I wasn't nervous all day, and now I have some sloppy Joe in me, and now I'm nervous. I don't know. I'll start from when I was a kid, you know, because I believe that my alcoholism was present before I ever picked up a drink. I, you know, okay, I'll start with this story. I was two, and I had not yet drank yet when I was two. And, like, my mom told me this story. I don't remember it, but I guess something happened where I didn't get, like, a cookie or a piece of cake that I really wanted badly. And, you know, I decided at the ripe old age of two, just had started walking maybe like a year before, that I was going to run away, you know, because of the injustices that were going on around me. And so my mom tells a story that I went to my bedroom, and I got my little suitcase out of probably, it was, like, pink, and had, you know, fairies on it or something, Barbie. And I loaded up my clothes, I folded them nicely, and I put them in there, and I proceeded to run away to the basement where I was going to live out my years, you know, and not be bothered, you know, by everybody else. And I could do what I want, you know. And so I did that, and obviously, like, when I got hungry, I moved back home. But anyway, so the reason I tell that story is because I carried that, sort of, attitude into, it's, like, very cute to run away from home, like, because, you know, and you get a cookie when I'm two. It's very cute to do that when you're two. It's not as cute when you're, like, 19, 20, to, like, have that attitude, you know, where, like, I'm taking my ball and I'm going home, because you kids won't play right, you know. And unfortunately, like, that is the attitude that I have, you know, before I ever drank, you know. So the other thing that I like to talk about is when I was, when I was about five-ish, I, like, my dad would take me to church every once in a while. And I'd be sitting there, and I'd be in, like, this little fantasy world, you know, in the pew. I wouldn't pay attention, because, you know, it's boring, like Ron said. And I would sit there and draw and just sort of, you know, zone out or whatever. And then I would feel my dad nudge me, because it was, like, the children's sermon time, you know. How the, I don't know if you've ever been to that type of service, but they have a little children's sermon, and all the kids go up there, and they get their sermon, and they go down to Sunday school. And, like. And I refused to go up to this little children's sermon, you know, for a couple reasons. One, I did not want to get up in front of everybody, you know. That was just, that was crazy. And two, like, I would have to go play with the other little kids, like, down in Sunday school. And, like, I didn't know those kids. I didn't want to know those kids, you know. And, like, I was just much more content sitting there in my own little world, you know. And, like, punishment for me when I was growing up was, like, Emily, go outside right now. You know, like, that was my punishment. That was my punishment instead of being grounded, you know. Like, I was so content being by myself, you know, because the world, you guys, like, from a young age, you just didn't act right, you know. And, so, like, growing up, let's see, what else was going on? Again, before I picked up a drink, I had this head that was so loud, you know. And, you know, that was useful sometimes, you know, having a little imagination, because I did like to play with, like, by myself, not, you know, with anybody else. And, so, I would pretend to be, like, a ninja. Or, like, Indiana Jones, you know. And, I would, like, run around my house, like, whipping stuff, you know. And, that was so much more fun than playing with the other kids, because sometimes they didn't want to play what I wanted to play, you know. And, so, again, like, all right, fine, I'll do it on my own, you know. So, let's see. So, okay, yeah, I'm also, like, terrified of other little kids and what they think about me, you know. Because, again, from a young age, like, I had this head that told me, like, something's wrong with you. Like, something's just a little off, you know. I couldn't tell you that that was going on, like, when I was young. I couldn't put that into words, but that's how I felt, you know. There was just something off. Everybody else seemed to get it, you know. I remember having the thought when I was 12, before I picked up a drink, like, everybody else got this little manual in the mail, like, how to live their life, how to do basic stuff, and I didn't get it, you know. And, I was pissed about that. I had a chip on my shoulder about that, you know. And, everybody else just seemed to get it. There was, like. It was like everybody was in on this joke that I wasn't in on, you know. And, they were having a really good time about it. But, so let's see. I had a couple of figures in my family that showed me what alcoholism could do to a family. The relationships that it could destroy, the families that it could destroy, and the loneliness, and the pain, and the desperation that alcohol brought. So, that was my example of drinking. It was never like. It never looked like a good thing. It never looked like a good thing at any time when I was growing up. It was just sort of. It just was pain. And, so for the longest time I didn't drink. I didn't drink until I was 15. For that reason, you know. There was just really no point to me for drinking. But, the thing that was going on was I was so painfully lonely. Felt really off this whole time, right. Growing up I had this head that just won't shut up, you know. The only way I can describe it is like if this room was like 50 times bigger and you all started screaming at me with like ideas on how to live my life and what people were thinking. Like, that's what it sounds like in my head, you know. So I'm walking around like that. And you know, I would actually like cut out friends that started drinking, you know. And I'd be like, oh that's so stupid, you know. Like I've seen the Dare film strips, you know. Like, and I've seen what it does, you know. I don't want to be shooting heroin in my eyeball, you know. Like I don't want to do that. And that's what's going to happen if I take a toke off that joint, you know. And like just real, like a total snob about it. And I was into sports, you know. Like I was just, I was on the honor roll. Like things were looking good on the outside, you know. But again, I have this like thing in me that's just off, you know. So I'm 15. And all these convictions that I was never going to drink. That I was like this good girl. That I was on the honor roll. And blah, blah, blah. Like something happened. Where it was just suddenly my idea. Hey, why don't we get, you know. We were on the bus. I was on the softball team. And I was like, hey. We just lost this big game. The season's over. Why don't we get drunk, you know. And so we got like what 15-year-olds get. We got like the Coors Light, you know, from the basement, you know. And like Zemo's, you know. And like, which by the way, this is just my opinion. It isn't in the big book. If the thought, okay, you might be an alcoholic if. The thought. The thought of a wine cooler makes you angry, you know. Like you're an alcoholic, you know. Because to this day, I'm like, why, you know. But, side note. So we got our Zemos and we got our Coors Light. And we went out to this field. Because I grew up in Kutztown. And that's where you drank. You drank in fields and woods. And we proceeded to get drunk. And actually. That's a lie. We didn't proceed to get drunk. I proceeded to get drunk. They were out to like play cards and enjoy each other's company. And like socialize and all that stuff. And I like was not interested. And I mean, I thought that's. Like I didn't go there with the intention like, hey, I'm going to get blitzed. And have everybody get pissed off at me tonight, you know. Like I really want a couple of my friends, you know, to get annoyed. Because they have to take care of me and carry me to the bathroom, you know. Like that wasn't my intention. Like it was like, hey, I'm going to hang out with these people. It's going to be cool. Whatever, you know. But because I have this thing also to me. Where I have one or two of those Coors Lights or those Zimas. As delicious as they are. And like I keep going. You know, I keep drinking. No matter what. And, you know, I was proud, you know, to be the only one that got cut off that night. You know. And I remember like a couple things happened for me, right. So I have this fear and I have this anxiety growing up. And I get a couple of those drinks in me, man. And like that fell away. You know, you guys weren't screaming as loud. I wasn't as afraid. And this magic happened for me. Like a lot of people describe. You know, that happened. And when you have a head like mine. And when you have the awful feelings that are going on inside you. Of course you're going to drink, you know. If something takes that away, why wouldn't you drink? You'd be crazy not to, you know. And so I did. You know, without even thinking about it. And the problem is, is that, you know, I had those one or two. That buzz, that good, get that good buzz on. And I get that, in that right spot where I feel a little bit okay about being me. And then the phenomenon of craving kicks in and I take it past that. You know, that's where the problem kicked in. And so I get drunk and I remember just like, you know, a couple things stand out. One was I was laying on the grass. Again, we were outside. And the whole world is spinning. I'm a little bit nauseous. And at this point I'm having, like, I need to literally be sort of like put over somebody's shoulder to get to the bathroom. And I'm laying there and I'm like, man, like this, I want to feel like this for the rest of my life. You know, this feels great, you know. And then the other thing that I remember was like there were some girls that I'd grown up with that I didn't particularly like. Like we just, because we ran in the same circles, like whatever, they were there. And we. We socialized. But I didn't really like them. And that night, man, like I was throwing my arm around and I was like, hey, man, why don't we hang out more, you know. And like all of a sudden you guys were great, you know. The world was just like amazing. And I wanted to be a part of it all of a sudden, you know. And so no matter who you are, and that, I mean, that carried through. Like I was hanging with some characters by the end. But like they were awesome, you know. Because alcohol does that for me. It forms this connection between me. And the rest of the world that's just not there when I'm sober. It's just not. Like I'm just apart. That anxious apartness, you know. And I'm so painfully aware of it when I'm sober, you know. And that alcohol, man, it like just gave me the sensation that I was a part of life at last, you know. Now, I didn't, you know, like the Dare film strip say, after I drank and got drunk the first time, I did not, you know, the next night start shooting heroin in my eyeball. I didn't do that. But I did put it in the back of my mind that. That this is the way that alcohol made me feel, you know. So every chance that I got, I got wasted, you know. There was never like a, I'm going to hang out with my friends tonight. I'm at one or two. We're going to just like play games, watch movies, you know. It was just like the people were incidental, you know. The first question was like, is there going to be booze there? You know, that's it. About a year after I started drinking, maybe a little bit more than that, I was drinking every day. My senior year in high school, I was getting wasted before I was even walking into school. Because at that point, it was like, why not? You know, it was still fun, you know. Drinking always, it progressed for me like fun, fun with problems and then just problems, you know. And at that point, it was still fun. It helped me show up to life, you know. I loved it. I think I did better on tests, honestly, when I was screwed up because I was relaxed. And I didn't care, you know. Like, I don't know. So I would go and I would just, I would feel okay. I felt good about being where I was. And my senior year was interesting because I had gone to the same school from kindergarten up until three weeks into my senior year. And the reason why I transferred was because I decided that no one liked me anymore. Like, I came up with this on my own. Something had happened where, like, I wasn't on the softball team anymore. And, you know, all my friends, like, just, I just, I literally... I literally convinced myself that nobody liked me. I'd grown up with these people, you know. And talk about alcohol as being a disease of perception. I convinced myself, you know, that I had no real friends, you know. And what's crazy is that, you know, after my friends at school found out that I was transferring, they, like, all got together and wrote this note and, like, gave it to my mom. They were like, give this to Emily. And it was just like, where are you going? Why are you leaving, you know? We want you to stay, you know. And they were so confused. And I remember, like, reading that letter and, like, tossing it. And being like, they're lying, you know. Like, that's the way that my head thought, you know. I just convinced myself of anything. And I had this awful, awful team of lawyers in my head, like, convincing me of lies. It's amazing, you know. So I transferred. And the other thing that happened before I transferred was that I had a panic attack in school. It was one of the few days that I didn't get, like, messed up in the morning, right. And I remember being in the nurse's office. And I was having a panic attack, freaking out. And they kept asking me, Emily, did you do drugs this morning? Are you on acid? Like, what is wrong with you, you know? And I'm like, no, this is the one day that I'm sober, you know. And this is how I feel, you know. Like, that's what sobriety did for me. That's how it made me feel, you know. And so I go to the hospital. They try to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. And it was just straight up anxiety from being sober, you know. That's what it was. And so, yeah. So I leave that school. I'm like, I'm in and out of, like, therapists and psychiatrists at this point. I mean, you know, if you hadn't picked up on that, I should have been if I wasn't. And, you know, I see these people. And I would just, I mean, I would lie. Because they'd be like, Emily, you really shouldn't drink when you're on this type of medication. And I was like, huh, you're right, you know. So then I would just lie and tell them that I wasn't drinking on top of this. You know, I wasn't on medication, you know. And I learned really early on. So let's see. So another couple things that my brilliant and clever team of lawyers in my head came up with was that, like, okay. As I'm growing up, I'm like, you know, once I get my braces off, like, I'm going to be hot, you know. I'm like, I'm going to have it made, you know. Like, this is going to be great. And then I got my braces off and things were the same. It was like. And I was like, man, you know, when I start wearing contacts and not these geeky glasses, like, things are going to be great, you know. And I got contacts and everything was the same. And, like, I'm going to jump for a second. Before I speak, this is, again, this is my ego as it stands today. Every time I have to speak somewhere, it doesn't matter where it is. It could be at a detox. Then everybody's sleeping, you know. Like, it doesn't matter. I have the same thoughts. I have the same thought. Like, I'm like, you know, what's going to happen is I'm going to go in there and I'm going to tell my story and people are going to be laughing. They're going to be crying. They're going to be passing tissue boxes around. And everybody's going to just be so goddamn moved, you know, by my story. Because they've heard so many. And, like, they're awesome, right? And then at the end when I'm done, instead of, you know, the normal clap and I sit down, everybody's going to stand up cheering, you know. And they're going to carry me out on their shoulders, you know. Like, this is how I think, right? And thank God, like, I can just laugh about that today. But, like, the truth is, it's like, I'm not up here to impress you. I'm not up here to move you, you know. I'm up here to tell my story, you know. And it's not a particularly outside impressive one, you know. But, anyway, so that's a side note. So if anybody else thinks like that, you're not alone. And I know you do. So... Because I'm not unique. You know? But, anyway. So let's see. So it wasn't, like, my drinking on the outside wasn't particularly impressive, you know. Like, I wasn't in trouble. I stayed on the honor roll, you know. But there was something going on where, like, just that feeling again, it was just there, you know. And so I think getting my braces off and, like, some people, like, move to other countries and get married to, like, get that feeling, like, this will fix me, this will fix me. You know, me, I was a little... You know, modest. But the one thing that I thought of was when I go to school, when I go to college, then I'm going to be amongst my intellectual peers, you know. Because one of the things that I convinced myself of was the reason that I felt so different from all of you is that I was a genius, you know. Like, I am a genius. And that's why people, they just aren't up to where I'm at, you know. And that's why I can't really talk to them. And it just, it makes sense, you know. Okay. So once I'm in college, I'll be around all these people that get me, you know. And, yeah. So that was one of the things that was going to fix me. And I go to school and, like, I don't know if you guys have this, but I have this, like, radar where I can go into a room filled with people and I will somehow sniff out the people that think and drink like I do, you know. And I did that, man. Like, within a... The first night, you know, I met the heroin addicts and the people that like to do coke and back at the dorm. You know what I mean? Like, I sniffed them out before I even had a conversation with them. I just knew, you know. So I really felt like I had arrived. I finally found the people who like to do what I like to do, you know. And, you know, my first weekend, I was so excited about going to school, not because, you know, the intellectual pursuits and that I'm, you know, finally a grown-up and all this exciting stuff. It was because I had a party to go to each night, you know, the first weekend that I was there. Like, how amazing is that, right? And that's what I looked forward to. And I got wasted that entire weekend. And I can tell you, and this probably isn't going to surprise you, I was in... I was at school for not even a month and I was in arm and leg restraints at Temple University Hospital. And... Because that's how I drink, you know. That's just how I drink. And I don't know how I got there. Like, at some point, I stopped eating. I only drank vodka. And I was taking as many pills as I possibly could, you know. Some were prescribed, some weren't. And, like, that was just what I did, you know. I was, like, all of a sudden, I had all this freedom and all this book money, you know. And I spent it on books and sold them. But, no, you know, and I ended up there. And I remember being there and, like... They had me in the... I couldn't understand why they restrained me. I was just, like, kicking and punching things, you know. Oh, God. And I told... I would tell that story after I got out. And they'd be like, that's awful. They strapped you to the... I was like, yeah. You know. But really, like, I was kicking and punching things, you know. So, of course, they did. And, again, it was, like, it was the same question to Emily, you know. Like, I'm strapped there. And they're like, Emily, do you want something to come down? I'm like, what do you think? You know. And... So, like, they shot me up, you know. And I was happy and I calmed down. But it was the same questions. Emily, did you... Have you done any drugs today? Are you on LSD? Are you pregnant? I'm like, no. But... But the thing that was different this time was the answer to that. Instead of about a year before, almost to the day, when I was in the hospital before I was sober, this time I was wasted and I was in the hospital. So something happened in that year time where alcohol was no longer taking away that feeling, you know. And a year later, I was wasted and I had that same feeling. A panic. You know. So something happened. Where it just wasn't doing the trick anymore, you know. And Bill talks about it. I've been reading a lot of Bill's story. And Bill talks about it. Like, you know, when the stock market crashes. And he's like, he gets that resolve back. You know. He goes, he's like, there's men committing suicide. They're all ruined. And he, like, laughs at them. He's like, I'm just going to go get drunk. Tomorrow's another day. You know. And then not, like, two pages later, the market crashes again. And this time he's like, should I kill myself? I'm like, no. I'm going to kill myself. You know. And then something happens a couple pages later where he's like, now he's seriously considering suicide. You know. Something's not working anymore. And that was the same progression for me. Like, I would drink and I'd be like, okay, I can face the world. I can be around you guys. You know. And then somewhere along the line, it was just I was drinking to be a vegetable. I was too afraid to kill myself. You know. That was the bottom line. I wanted so bad to be able to just end it. You know. Because I was in no relationships with my parents. You know. Like, unless I was asking them for money. When I got out of the hospital, my mom took off. It was her last day of work before she moved. And to a whole other state. So she's got a lot going on. And she has to take off her last day of work to come to Philadelphia to pick her daughter up from the hospital because they wouldn't let me out unless it was in the care of my mother. You know. Completely against medical advice, which I can understand. That bad. And so, yes, I spent a couple days in the hospital because I was in the hospital. And I was like, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. And, um, and, let's see, so I moved a couple times. I, um, what did I. There's, like, you know how we have those ideas where it's like, okay, well, if I do this, this'll make it better. If I do this, this'll make it better. You know. I stopped hanging out with certain people. I hung out with other people more. You know, just all that stuff. I started just drinking alone. That'll do it, you know. And really, like, it was just the smart thing to do. Because, you know, I would do things like I would get, I don't know if you guys ever did this, the pregame. I did the pregame all the time. Whether there was a game on or not, you know. So I would do the pregame. We would go out to the club or wherever we were going. I only did this a handful of times. I was very much a drink alone kind of girl. But, like, my friends who, before they got to know me and ditched me, they're like, yeah, we're going to the club. I was like, awesome. So we'd drink, you know. And because I have that thing in me where once I start, like, I don't stop. I don't moderate. I don't have any sort of desire to do so. I get absolutely wasted. And five minutes after being there, we went to this gay club. And I'm, like, just falling on the dance floor, you know. We're not there. Five minutes. And, you know, just doing stupid stuff. And somebody has to escort me home, you know. So I was like, okay, well, I don't really like hanging out with people anyway. So I'll just watch TV and drink. You know, and that's what I did. And I remember, like, one time my roommate coming in from college. And she comes in. She walks in. She actually went to class. And she walks in. I think this was after I was in the hospital. And she looks at me. She sees about this much left. It's about 1030 in the morning. No. No. It was like noon. She comes in. She sees a fifth of rum. Cabana Boy cherry rum. And there's, like, that much left in it. And I look at her. And I'm so excited. And clearly I'm drunk. And she comes in. She's like, hey, how are you? You know. And I'm like, Nicole, you'll never believe this. I can drink this. And I don't throw up. And I don't need to mix it with anything. You know. And I was so excited. I was so excited about that. You know. And she's like, dude, you think you might have a problem? You know. And I was like, what are you talking about? You know. Like, I just, I did not see anything wrong with that at all. So, yeah. We have this utter, like, amazing ability, especially when we come to AA. And I see it all the time when I'm talking to new girls and stuff. And there's really anybody where we have this amazing, like, way of just being so screwed and having no idea that we are. You know. And, like, I was just able to justify anything. You know. Including drinking like that. It just made sense. Everybody in college does that. You know. They don't all end up in the hospital like I do. But that's all right. Sometimes things get out of control. Who cares? You know. So, I moved a couple times. I moved. I'm like, okay. I ended up in North Carolina. And then I'm like, okay, I'm going to go back to school. The only way Temple University would let me back in. After I got out of school. After having a 1.23 GPA my first and only semester. Was if I literally, my psychiatrist had to write a letter. Telling them that I was being treated and was taking my medication as directed. That was the only way they were letting me back into school. So, I got me my letter. I went up there with my depo coat. You know. And my letter to let me back in. And I was ready to go, man. You know. And. And so. So, I get back into school. I move into this place. Not really close to school at all. But it was like one of the few people that was still talking to me in Philly. Like there was a six bedroom house at this really terrible part of town. Frank Heard and Allegheny. If you've ever been to Philly, you chuckled just then. Because it's like a really rough spot. You know. You know. And it still kind of is. And so, I get there. I'm moving in. I'm completely oblivious. You know. And I'm moving in. It's all good. And literally, the day that I'm moving in, some perfect stranger walks by and offers us wet. You know. Just like that. And I was like, this is great. You know. Like, this is what the neighbors are like here. I've moved to the right place. You know. Like, I'm finally in my fantasy land. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. And I'm just like, I don't know. You know. I don't know. You know. You know. You know. I am. And everybody's just like comfortable being who they are. And we just offer each other drugs. You know. And it was great, man. I was so excited at that point. And I had this plan, though. I had this plan that I was going to go to school because I had just been messing up left and right and was getting the talk from friends and family. Like, why can't you just pull it together? Pull it together, Emily. You know. And so, at the beginning of that talk, I'm like, okay. I'm going to go to school during the week. I'm going to party on the weekend, and that's how it's going to be, because that's normal, you know. And that's what I'm going to do. So I had this, you know, this firm thing, and it would be like, okay, I'm going to write this paper, and then I'm going to drink, you know. And it was like, I'm going to drink to get started on this paper, you know. And it was like that slow thing. But so, yeah, so I start out with that plan, and little by little, like, what I don't know at this point is that if I start drinking Friday or Saturday night, I might not stop until Wednesday, you know. Like, I just don't have that control. I don't. So if I have class Monday morning, guess who's not showing up if there's still booze left, you know, me. Because, again, like, I have that thing in me, you know, where once I have one or two, I keep going, and I hit that sweet spot, and I keep going, you know. And that's the way that I drink every time. So, yeah, so let's see. I run a, like, again, not even a month or so in the semester, I'm not going to class anymore. And finally the day came when I ran out of money. I wasn't working. All I ate was, there was a pizza shop across the street. I had one slice of pizza each day. And not because, like, I didn't want to eat. It was literally because, well, I could spend this $5 on, you know, a little, was it like a pint of Mr. Boston vodka, or I could eat, you know, and that was the choice that I made every time. I didn't care. So I was doing that. That's the way I was living. The people that I was living with were getting really tired of having to hang out with me, like, because I didn't even like me. I wouldn't even want to hang out with me. Like, why would any of you? I was just so miserable, you know. I was that girl that just, like, cried every night, you know. And anybody that was stupid enough to listen, I told you, you know, that I was miserable, and I went on and on and on about it, you know. And I was pathetic, you know, really. And, like, I was just so obsessed with feeling good. And feeling okay. You know, that's really, for me, like, that self-centeredness, man, that's how it played out. It was just like, anybody I came in contact with, any substance I came in contact with, like, anything that made me feel a little bit okay, I just, I sucked the life out of you. Like you were saying, like, you know, going from being a taker to a giver has been a process, you know. Because all I could think about was how to feel okay. And what you could do to make that happen, you know. And as soon as you stopped doing that, you were out. You know, as soon as you questioned my drinking. As soon as you didn't call me every five minutes, you know. Like, it was done. We had no business talking. Unless you had what I wanted. So, I'm coming home from school. I have no money. Nobody really likes talking to me. I have an empty bottle of vodka next to my bed. So dreadfully empty. I had done the last little bit of other stuff before I went to school. Because that was the only way I was showing up. And I'm driving home. And I call this girl who happened to be dating a guy in the program. I didn't really know. Apparently, like, we had met. But, like, I didn't really know that he was in the program. I didn't care. I didn't want anything to do with that. And I call her up and I say, I don't plan on this. I'm just sobbing. Because basically I have no money and I have no way of getting more of what I want. And I'm just like, you know, Amanda, like, I can't stop drinking. I don't want to die. You know? And it just came out. And I had not been that level of honest with anybody probably ever. And she was like, okay. Well, I'm going to a meeting tonight. Why don't you come to a meeting with me? I was like, wow. It was, like, amazing how quickly the ego rebuilt itself. Like, I just tell this girl that, like, I want to die and I can't stop drinking. And AA is just out of the question. That's a little extreme, don't you think? You know? Like, go to an AA meeting. It's just up my meds. You know? And so, yeah. And so, she was like, and she said this. And thank God she did. Because I probably wouldn't have gone. She was like, well, Emily, what do you have to lose? It stopped me dead in my tracks, you know? Any voices that were going on at the time. Like, any thoughts, any sort of ideas that I might have had to sort of be okay just, like, stopped. Because, like, I knew that I had nothing to lose. You know? I had, again, the connections with people were gone. I wanted to die every morning that I woke up. Like, you know, I just wished that, like, I was jealous of the people that had the balls to kill themselves. You know, really. I would hear about somebody killing themselves and I'd be like, jealous. You know? Like, that's where I was at. And, um. So, I had nothing to lose. And so, I go to this stupid AA meeting that I'm terrified to go to. And, uh. I remember, like, I met up with her and she had me read. I was an English major at Temple University, by the way. She had me read one of the stories out of the back of the big book when I first met up with her. And, um. And I read it. And my comprehension was so, just, it was non-existent because my brain was so foggy and so loud. Like, this is the first time that I'm sort of clear-headed and sober. You know? A long time. You know? And I just couldn't, I couldn't read. You know? And I remember closing up the book after I read it. And, uh. She was like, what do you think? Did you relate? You know? And I was like, yeah. Because I knew that's what she wanted me to say. You know? I was like, yeah. I really related a lot. She was young. I'm young. You know? And, like, that was it. And, um. And, like, that's all I got out of it. And, uh. And I went, I went to this stupid meeting. Um. Completely out of my mind. Like. She would try to introduce me. She would try to introduce me to people. I'd be like. Hi. You know? Like, just frozen with fear. You know? And there were so many of you at meetings. So many of you, it seemed like. And, like. You all wanted to talk to me. And introduce yourselves. And, like. Who does that? You know? Really? And, uh. And, uh. And I go to this meeting. And I'm sitting there. And I'm gripping onto my chair. And my knuckles are white. You know? Again. Like, I'm. This is sobriety for me. Sobriety is not fun. You know? Sobriety is just. I'm a ball of anxiety. You know? And, um. I'm gripping onto the chair. And they do this thing. Which I hate. And I don't even make my new girls do it. Um. Because I have such strong opinions about it. But, uh. They do this thing. I'm sure they do it here. Like, where they give out 24-hour chips. You know? Do they do that? You guys know about that? They give out little 24-hour chips. And everybody's like. Yeah. You know? And, like. You're dying of alcoholism. You are 24 hours away from a drink. And you are paraded. In front of all these, like. Really well. People. Like. You're like. You know? And you're just like. Dragging your pathetic ass up there. Trying to look happy about it. You know? And you're just like. Yay. Thanks. Guys. Cool. You know? Oh. God. So, like. I'm sitting there. In the beginning of the meeting. And, like. And I get nudged. To go be one of these idiots. That has to go up and get their 24-hour chip. And, um. And she's like. Oh. But get your. I was like. I can't. She was like. Why not? I was like. Because I don't have 24 hours yet. And she's like. Well, no. It's like a desire. If you just have a. I'm like. I'm not going up there. You know? Like. That's why. I didn't speak more than those words. The whole night. Like. Do not make me go up there. Because I would run out of here. And never see you again. You know? Um. So, I sat there. And I'm cloudy. And I'm like. Pissed that they tried to make me go up there. And, um. And, like. I just. I mean. I was just so. My head. And, um. But the thing was. Every now and then. I would tune in. To what people were sharing. You know? And, um. And what was happening was. They were describing themselves. They were describing how they thought. How they felt. How they drank. And, uh. And I was relating to every single word. You know? I was like. Wow. You know? And I never relate to somebody's story. Completely 100% on the outside. But I always relate to how you thought. Felt. And drank. You know? Always. Um. And, uh. And that was amazing to me. Because I had people that I was talking to. With degrees on the walls. With decades of drug and alcohol counseling experience. And they had no freaking clue. What it was like to be me. And here you are. Like. Talking about you. And describing me. And that was blowing my mind. Because I didn't think anybody got it. I really didn't. Um. I was like. I was the unicorn walking in here. Like. My case is different. You know? And, uh. But there you were. Describing me. And, uh. That was. That was incredible. You know? And I knew. Like. In my gut. Like. I belong here. You know? Like. This. This makes sense. And, um. I got. The next day. I got tricked. Into going to my second meeting. I really did. I was like. They were like. Oh. You got to come to this meeting tomorrow. I was like. Oh. But I just went to one. You know? Like. Yesterday. And, uh. They were like. Well. What do you have going on? I'm like. A lot. You know? And, uh. Nothing. Nothing going on. You know? I almost feel sorry for the people that come in here. And they're like. Oh. Yeah. I got this. This. This. I have a piano lesson. You know? Like. They're like. Doing all these great things with their lives. They have all these friends. And they're like. I don't have time to go to a meeting. Like. I. My schedule was clear. You know? Um. Nobody wanted to hang out with me. So. Uh. So I get tricked into going to the second meeting. And, uh. Like. I get there. And, um. And everybody was like. Emily. Do you have a sponsor yet? Do you have a sponsor? Do you have a sponsor? Do you have a sponsor? Emily. Do you have a sponsor? Um. Hey. Emily. Nice to meet you. Do you have a sponsor? You know? And it was just like. Constant. You know? So I was like. No. I don't even know what that is. Like. I've never been to rehab. Like. I didn't. I've never been to an A meeting before. It was before the one. The night before. And, um. So I don't even know what a sponsor is. And I was like. Well. What. What do I. Who do I. I don't know. You know? And, uh. And I'm like. Well. Just ask somebody who has what you want. So. Okay. I sit at the table at this big book study. I line everybody up. And I zone in on one person. And I'll tell you why. I knew it had to be a girl. Right? So, uh. So, like. Just find a woman who has what you want. Okay. She's got a. She's got a really cool accent. And, um. She's from Australia. And that's hot. You know. It's hot in Australia. She's got this hot foreign accent. I'm like. She had a. She said. Oh. She said HP. For higher power. And said God. Which I really appreciated. Um. Because God was like. Hmm. That's. You guys are freaks. And, um. And, uh. And, uh. She, uh. I thought she might be a lesbian. Um. Um. Um. Because she had like this. This really short hair. And, uh. An accent. And, um. And so. So. All lesbians have accents. Right? And I was thinking. And I was thinking. Like. You know. That she was gay. And the whole sponsorship thing didn't work out. We would fall in love. And, uh. Isn't that cute? And, um. So, I found what I wanted. And, uh. Sweet. You know. That's. That's what you get when you leave a newcomer to her own devices. You know. Those are my brilliant ideas one day sober. You know. That's why I don't even ask new girls. Like. Hey. What do you. What do you want? You know. Because, like. I know what you want. You want a drink. You know what I mean? Like. I don't care what you want. Um. So, why don't you just get in the car. You know. But, um. But, anyway. So. So, I go up to this woman. Who clearly has what I want. Uh. In every way. And, um. So, I go up to her. And, I'm like staring at my shoes. You know. And, I'm like. Hey. Will you sponsor me? She's like. No. You know. Thank God. You know. Because, like. The whole time. Like. We would be reading the doctor's opinion. I'd just be like. I wonder if she likes me. You know. Um. So. But, the only reason she said no. Was because she was going to Australia. To visit her family. For like the next month or something. And, she. You know. Obviously. That wouldn't have worked out. So. She pointed to this woman. And, uh. Who had like four months over at the time. But, had been through the steps. Who she sponsored. And, um. And, thank God. I didn't know any better than that. You know. Thank God. I was like. Well, wait. She doesn't have five years. You know. So. But, you know. And, so. I was like. Okay. Well. You've got my sponsor. You know. And, uh. And, she said. Yes. Of course. You know. I'd be happy to. Um. Read the doctor's opinion. You know. I was like. Okay. We exchanged numbers. And, um. It was. It was very awesome. Because, uh. These people that. That I met. At this second meeting. They, uh. They didn't just sort of throw their numbers at me. And, uh. And, tell me to call them. Like. They sat down with me for a few hours at a coffee shop. And, they. They told me their stories. And, they explained to me what alcoholism was for them. And, uh. And, they took the time. You know. Um. And, uh. And, that was like. That was incredible to me. You know. And, I remember having a conversation with them. And, just being like. I get what you're saying. I relate to what you're saying. But, like. I. I. I'm not an alcoholic. There's no way. You know. There's no way. I'm too young. You know. And, uh. That's the only defense that I had. Um. You know. Everything else. Yeah. I can see how it would look like that. You know. But, I was. Psh. Nah. And, uh. And, they were like. Okay. Emily. We've told you everything we have to tell you about alcoholism. So. So. I'll tell you what. Since you're not convinced. Why don't you go out. And, you try some controlled drinking. That's what it suggests to do. So. Why don't you go out to. Um. You know. The bar. You know. Where you drink. I was like. I cut them off. I was like. No. I don't drink at a bar. They're like. Well. Where do you drink? They're like. I was like. Well. I drink at home. And, they're like. Okay. So. Why don't you go home. And, uh. You know. Get together with your friends. I was like. No. I drink at home alone in my room. I don't drink. And, uh. And, they're like. Okay. So. Your test. Uh. Then. If you're an alcoholic. Is going to be. When you go home. Alone. In your room. Uh. Why don't you try having one or two. You know. And, um. And, something. Uh. Something pretty profound happened for me. Uh. As soon as they suggested that I do that. Fear shot through my spine. And, I knew that I never ever would have one or two. Nor did I ever have the desire to have one or two. Uh. I just. I just didn't want it. You know. And, uh. It made no sense to me. It made no sense to me to have one or two. Um. Alcohol doesn't taste particularly good. I am a. I am a. I am a. I am a. I am a. I am a. I am a. I am a. I am a. I am a. I am a. I am a. I am a. I am a. I am a. drinker. Um. I drink because it makes me feel a little bit okay about being me. You know. And, one or two isn't going to cut it. Um. So, uh. So, that's. I mean. And, it says. You know. That idea that we are like other people has to be smashed. That's. That was my moment for me. It was. It was crushed. Um. I knew that I was an alcoholic. Um. Right then and there. So, uh. So, I go home that night. And, uh. I. I. I take a shower. I was not particularly into hygiene at the time. Um. There was really no point. I didn't leave my house a lot. And, I didn't have anybody to impress. Um. And, uh. So, I take the shower because I have a little bit of hope in my heart. Because, not only did they tell me what alcoholism was. But, they. They said that there was something. There was like a way out. You know. And, I knew that they felt how I felt. I knew that they were once where. Where I was currently at. You know. And, uh. So. So. So, I was like. Okay. Well, maybe. Maybe. I might be okay. You know. And, um. I wasn't completely believing it or into it. But, I go home that night. I take a shower. And, uh. And, I walk out. And, I hear. I hear this voice coming from down the hall that I knew really well. Because, I knew that. Um. If I gave him money. He would give me stuff that made me feel okay. And, uh. Like, again. Like, I had like one full day sober. And, I ran into my room. You know. And, I walked out. And, I locked the door. And, I'm like. And, I immediately start crying. Because, like. It just gripped me. Immediately. You know. I knew what he had. And, I knew what it could do for me. And, um. And, uh. And, I call this guy. Uh. Who I met in AA. And, I was like. Hey, man. This is what's going on. You know. And, he's like. Okay. Well. You just got sponsored, right? I was like. Yeah. I was like. So. You know. And, he was like. Well. Why don't you call her? I was like. But. Click. You know. And, uh. Thank God. He did. And, um. So, uh. So, I called this lady that I just met. You know. Like. Bawling. Crying hysterically. And, uh. And, really. Like. I called her to get permission. You know. Like. I was going to call her up. And, I was going to be like. Listen. There's this guy. He's got what I like. You know. And, I'm going to have one. And, uh. And, then we're going to start this whole AA thing tomorrow. Is that cool? You know. And, uh. Because, like. I'm not going to be able to sleep. You know. Like. This. This. She didn't give me permission. Shocking. Um. She, uh. Instead. She, uh. She listened to me. And, she was like. Well. I mean. You can do what you do. Or. What you want to do. But, um. But, here's what I do when I'm in your situation. And, uh. And, she suggested that we pray. And, her. Like. I literally. She was like. Why don't we say a prayer together? I was like. You know. Almost clicking end on the phone. And, um. And, I was like. Yeah. No. No. I'm not going to pray with you. You. You whack job. You know. I need a Xanax. Not a prayer. You know what I mean? Like. Crazy. I thought you got it. You know. And, um. And, uh. So, I went on and on about that. Again. Trying to get permission. And, she was like. Dude. You can do what you want. There is. I. There is nothing I can do to stop you. You know. From. From doing what. What you may do tonight. You know. And, uh. And, I was like. But, you're my AA sponsor. You're supposed to be. You're supposed to be. You're supposed to lose something. You know. And, uh. She was like. No, dude. What I have to offer you is prayer. That's it. You know. What do you have to lose? I was like. Oh. That question. You know. And, uh. So, through tears and snot. And, not believing that it was going to work. Um. I, uh. I said that. I turned to page 63. With this lady. And, uh. And, we said. Um. We said the third step prayer together. And, um. The other thing she said. To convince me to do it. She was like. Emily. Think of this prayer as like a spiritual Xanax. You know. And, so. So, she like started speaking my language a little bit. And, I was like. Oh, yeah. That makes sense to me. Okay. You know. Um. But, uh. But, yeah. That was like the only way she was going to get me to pray. And, uh. And, I did. And, I said it. And, like I said. Not believing. You know. I said this prayer with this lady. And, uh. As soon as we were done. I felt better. You know. There was nothing crazy. No bright lights. None of that. Like. I just. I just felt a little bit better. And, I knew that I was going to be okay that night. I don't know where that came from. It just happened. After I said this prayer. Probably not a coincidence. You know. And, um. And, I said. Again. Like. And, this is weird. Like I said. I was not into the prayer thing. Like. I was like. Can we say that again? I don't know. I feel better. And, um. And, so. We said this prayer again. And, I just. I knew in my heart. I was like. I don't know about tomorrow. I don't know about the rest of my life. But, I know that I'm okay today. And, tonight. And, so. And, I was. You know. And, I have been ever since. And, it was. It was those moments that I needed throughout my sobriety. By doing the steps. By working with a sponsor. That I needed. Because, I. Like. I dragged in here. The most pathetic. Cold. Empty person. You know. And, um. I needed a lot of charges to the heart. In order to stay here. Because. Because. I'm a pleasure junkie. You know. Like. If it wasn't fun. If something wasn't. Happening. That was magical here. And, inside of me. At the same time. Like. I wasn't going to stay. You know. I just wasn't. Um. You guys are great and all. You know. But, like. If I'm miserable. I'm not staying here. And, uh. And, I wasn't. You know. And, uh. Thank God showed up. Uh. Thank God. God showed up. You know. Because, um. Because, I wouldn't have stayed. I wouldn't. And, and. I didn't believe. I really didn't. Like. I just showed up. You know. And, uh. And, I went through the steps. And, I remember. You know. Reading the doctor's opinion. With my sponsor. And, uh. Like. She was just. She. She took so much time with me. You know. And, it's the same kind of time. That I take with. With the girls that I. That I sponsored today. You know. And, it makes me feel so. Happy. And, whole. Because, for the longest time. Man. I was sucking. Whatever I could. Out of life. And, out of all of you. You know. And, now. That I finally feel like. I have something to contribute. Um. You know. And, it really special. And, unique. In a unique way. Like. What a profound gift that is. You know. And, you guys gave me that. You know. And, um. Really. AA. Like. I grew up in AA. Big time. I mean. I had. I had parents that tried to teach me a lot. About life. And, how to live it. And, how to be a good person. And, they did. Man. God bless them. But, like. For whatever reason. I listened to you guys. You know. I listened to you guys. When you said. Send a card to your grandma. You know. Um. Call her up. And, see how her day is going. You know. How's your mom? And, I needed that man. Because, like. Just. The way that I'm wired. I am just so. Like. Into myself. You know. And, never think about you. I don't care about you. In and of myself. I really don't. I don't know if that's. Cold. Or. Or what. You know. But, that's what I brought here. You know. And, that's changed. I've. I've been shown. How to be a good daughter. How to be a good employee. How to be a good friend. How to be a good girlfriend. You know. I've been shown that stuff. And, I. And, I needed to be. You know. I was the girl that. That. That. Couldn't order a pizza. Over the phone. Without getting. Like. Severe anxiety. You know. And. And, now. Like. I can get up in front of you guys. And, like. I really wasn't. I wasn't that nervous. You know. Because, like. It's like. Whatever. Like. You'll love me anyway. You know. Like. Or, maybe you won't. I don't care. You know. Like. Whatever. I'll probably not see you very often. You know. Like. I'm just. I'm not so worried about. Impressing everybody. And, being so terrified. About what you think about me. You know. I just. I'm comfortable today. And, that's. That is. A direct result. Of. Of doing these steps. You know. Out of the book. It was just simple. You know. It was nice. Like. I didn't have to show up. And, think. I just had to show up. You know. And, follow you guys around. I. I was shown how to do this stuff. From very early on. And, I feel really grateful for that. Like. I didn't hang out. You know. I didn't just hang out. Because, like. Quite frankly. I was not interested in friends. Like. As lonely as I was. I didn't want to be your friend. I was invited to diners. And, things like that. And, I was like. Oh. I can't. I have to study. And, I would go home. And, watch TV. You know. Like. I was so terrified of you guys. I didn't want. I didn't want you guys. To hang out with me. Or, want to hang out with me. You know. But, like. I have these amazing friends today. You know. And, they're awesome. And, like. They're here tonight. Some of them. You know. And, I have connections with people. Like. That I always used booze to get. And, now I don't need that. You know. And, like. Really. Like. I've gotten so much awesome stuff on the outside. You know. I'm financially doing good. I have this great job. You know. I graduated from school with the Magna Cum Laude Honors. It's hard to bring that up from a 1.23 GPA. But, I did it. And, my parents were at my graduation. And, like. All that outside stuff is awesome. But, just the fact that, like. I wake up in the morning. And, I don't wish that I had died in my sleep. The night before. The night before. Priceless. You know. Like. That's incredible. You know. And, little things like that. Little things. Like. If I have to read something at a meeting. I'm not shaking and sweating. You know. Like. I'm just. I'm okay. I'm okay. And, you guys gave that to me. Like. Really. There's some times when, like. I think about the person that I brought to AA. And, it's not the same person. It's not. I mean. I don't even know that girl. And, I don't even know that person. You know. I'd probably be really annoyed by that girl today. You know. But, I don't know. I have a couple minutes. One cool thing that happened was. Like I said. I mean. This is all about relationships for me. And, the fact that I'm comfortable without any sort of aid of any chemical of any kind. And, one of the ways that that happened was. I started making these amends. You know. And, I started making these living amends. And, just sort of. Just showing up. And, being in a relationship. And, in service. Thank God for service. Otherwise, I would have said no tonight. If I didn't need to do it to save my life. You know. But. So, I made this amends to my grandma. Every amends that I've ever made. It was always like. Here's what I did. You know. And, they're always like. Just keep doing what you're doing. To make it right. You know. You're doing great. So happy you're not miserable. You know. Like. Good job. And, so. I'm assuming that this is how it's going to go with my grandma. She doesn't know. She's like 92 years old. At the time. And, I was like. She's not going to understand what the hell I'm doing. She's going to be like. What are you talking about? And, I went and made amends with my grandma. And, I was like. Here's what I did. I was just. I was terribly absent. You know. I was never like. I never. I didn't rob anybody. You know. Like. I was just very much a fly under the radar. I was just so absent. You know. That was my MO. And, so. I, you know. I told her what I had done. And, I asked her. You know. What I could do to make it right. And, I'm just expecting her to be like. I don't know. You're doing good, kiddo. Let's. You want some candy? You know. Like. That's how I expect it to go. And, instead. She sort of waits a second after. I'm like. What can I do to make it right? Is there anything else that you can think of? She's like. Yeah. You are a brat. You know. She called me out. And, I totally was. She was like. And, here's what you can do to make it right. You know. And, she was like. You can call your dad more. You know. You can come and visit more. I was like. Okay. You know. You know. It was just this amazing moment. And, now. Like. I send her cards all the time. We talk on the phone. And, we have this amazing relationship. And, you might be sitting there like. Wow. I'm going to get sober so I can have a relationship with my grandma. Thanks, Em. You know. Thanks for the hope. And. But, like. For me. That kind of stuff is freaking profound. You know. It's so profound. Because. I hid in my room. And, I wanted nothing to do with you people. Nothing to do with you. Because, I was terrified of you. And, I'm not. You know. I'm not anymore. And. And, man. If you're missing out on the relationships. If you're new. And, you're terrified. Like. Just show up. Show up. Ask somebody. You think is attractive. To be your sponsor. And. You know. Go through the dang steps, man. You know. I can't describe to you the experience that I've had. And, inspire you to do it. You know. You just have to experience it. Just. Like. Try the experiment. Like. Really. What do you have to lose. Thanks for letting me share.