I Got Nothing That I Asked For but Everything I Had Hoped For – Don N.

It's over this morning by the grace of God and the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that might seem like a strange opening, but I believe that the grace is the unmerited love and favor of. And God is what I choose to call a power greater than myself. And I also say the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous because to me that's exactly what AA is, is a modern day miracle. And if you have a belief yourself in a power greater than yourself, there is no definition of a miracle necessary. But if you do not believe in a power greater than yourself, there is no definition of a miracle that is adequate. I think of how the uniformity of our two programs are so wonderful. We heard from our Al-Anon speaker today. And then I realized... And then I realized, although the programs have such uniformity, what a contrast there is in the background of the individual members. You heard a speaker, Blanche, who is a university graduate, an English major, very gifted in many ways. And yet you helped her with your tender, loving care. And by contrast, you have me. And it's like going from the sublime to the ridiculous. I don't even have a high school diploma. And yet, that has not prevented you from offering me the same tender, loving care. And I know when Blanche got up, you didn't really know what to expect. But you did get a wonderful message. And as I stand here, you don't know what to expect either. Which reminds me of the story of the... Roman Catholic priest who one day visited the convent. When he got to the convent, he was met by the Mother Superior, who was very distraught and wrought up. And he looked at her and she said, You seem a little worked up. And she says, Father, we have a terrible problem in the convent. The good father said, Well, what's the problem? Is there anything I can be of assistance with? And she says, I don't think so. Well, he said, What's the problem? She said, The nuns bought a pet. The good father said, Well, there's nothing wrong with that. I think that's wonderful. The Mother Superior said, No, it's terrible, Father, because what they did was they bought a talking budgie bird. And all day long, this budgie bird sits in this little swing, swings back and forth, and says, Root-toot-toot, I'm a prostitute. Root-toot-toot, I'm a prostitute. The nuns and novices have tried everything to teach this bird to say something else, and she just won't do it, and we don't know what we're going to do. It's terribly demoralizing. The good father said, Well, you know, this is indeed your... Lucky day, because, you see, I, too, happen to be a bird lover. And I have two talking budgies, Clyde and Clive. But Clyde and Clive talk so well, and they are so intelligent, that I had a rosary made up in miniature and also a Bible made up in miniature. And all day long, Clyde and Clive pray and read the Bible. The Mother Superior said, That is unbelievable. The good father said, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll take your bird down and expose your bird to my... two birds, and I'm sure they will be able to teach her something. The Mother Superior said, Wonderful. She went back in the convent, got the cage, gave it to the good father. He got in his car, went downtown to his apartment, and he walked in the door, and he looked up at his cage, and sure enough, there was Clyde and Clive standing on the bottom of the cage. One was reading the Bible, and the other was praying. So he took the nun's budgie out of its cage and popped it in with his two budgies and stood back to watch. And right away, the nun's little budgie got up in the top swing, swang back and forth, and says, Root-toot-toot, I'm a prostitute. Root-toot-toot, I'm a prostitute. The father looked, and with that, Clyde turned to Clive. He said, Clive, you can throw away the beads and book. Our prayers have just been answered. Before I get any further, I should also express my appreciation to John for the wonderful hospitality, and Mike, and everyone that has been here this weekend. The hospitality has just been wonderful, and I appreciate very much the invitation to be with you this weekend. Now, I'm one of these people... I'm one of these people that believe alcoholism has been with us for a long, long time. Long before AA was ever started, I'm convinced we had the disease of alcoholism in this world. As a matter of fact, when I look back at the limited education I had, I heard about a fellow by the name of Christopher Columbus. Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492, that sort of thing. And I am convinced beyond any shadow of doubt that Chris Columbus had to be an alcoholic. And the reason I say that is when he left home, he didn't know where he was going. When he got here, he didn't know where he was. When he got back, he didn't know where he'd been. And to top it off, some woman paid for the whole shot. I don't know about the rest of you alcoholics, but that sounds remarkably like my drinking story. And of course, unfortunately, some 11 or 12 years later, Columbus died. A pauper. He wound up absolutely penniless and nothing. And that unfortunately happens so many times with alcoholics. The other thing, of course, you heard Blanche today talk about Al-Anon, and I am one of these AA members who believe we have a very great debt of gratitude to Al-Anon and Al-Ateen. I have seen as many remarkable recoveries. In the programs of Al-Ateen and Al-Anon, as I have an Alcoholics Anonymous. I often like to tell the story. My wife, of course, has been a member of Al-Anon since it started. And I am very grateful. I've often said that it was Al-Anon, you Al-Anons, that gave her a name. Because I call her Norma today, but I didn't in my drinking days. I always referred to her as Angel. And the reason I called her Angel, she was always up in the air, never had a thing to wear, and was always hurt. She was always harping on something. You people got a hold of her, God bless you, and shared with her, and today she has changed, she has come down to earth, and I am very grateful for that. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, and this is part of this miracle that I like to talk about. Because, you see, I grew up in an alcoholic home. My father was a practicing alcoholic. I had a brother 22 years older than me that was an alcoholic. And I swore that as long as I lived, I would never take a drink. But before I got out of high school, I started drinking. And in the beginning it was just fine. Because, you see, I had certain problems as a child growing up that none of you people would understand. I was a very sensitive person. I felt very inferior, inadequate, lonely, defiant, angry, and depressed. And I didn't know what was the matter with me. I felt shy around girls and other people. And then one day I discovered alcohol. I had a cup of drink. And it was absolutely amazing what that alcohol did. It changed me, but better than that, it changed you. I felt as if it was wonderful. I was over at a girl's house, and four of us boys were at a girl's house one Sunday afternoon. We were looking in the cupboards for something to eat, and there was a bottle of gin. And one of them said, what's that? And she said, that's daddy's gin. Would you boys like a drink? And, of course, we all sort of nudged each other. None of us had had a drink at that point. She brought the bottle down and poured four tumblers about like that with gin. The first fellow took it, smelled it, and put it down. And he said, no way, that stuff smells terrible. The second one took a little sip. He says, oh, he said, it tastes godawful. And he put it down. He couldn't drink it. The third one took a real good swallow. And another one made an awful face. Turned red. And he says, it tastes terrible, but I did it. And right there and then, looking back now with hindsight, I was an alcoholic then. Because even before I took that first drink, I made the resolve to myself. I will take that stuff, and I will swallow it, and I will not make a face. Just to prove to these girls there's one man in the crowd. So I took it, and I bottoms it up. And it was godawful. It was terrible. I turned all the way down. And my eyes started to water, and I bravely tried to smile. And all of a sudden, it hit bottom and started coming back. I got this wonderful feeling. It seemed as if I had suddenly grown about six or seven inches. I looked at the girls, and you know, there's something remarkable. It had transformed them. They looked more voluptuous. They looked more beautiful. And they looked a lot better. Then I entered into the illusion that I looked better to them. And so, you see, in the beginning, this drinking was an answer to my problem. It did something for me. And I could hardly wait to get back at the next drink and the next one. But of course, in no time at all, alcohol started doing things for me and started doing it to me. And there's a big difference. In 1940, I left home, and I joined the Royal Canadian Air Force. And this was not because I was patriotic. Let's get the record clear right away. It was because, as we've heard this weekend, I resented authority of all kinds, and I wanted to get away from home. And so I joined the Air Force, and through a fluke, I became a pilot. Now, of course, I don't know so many young people today, but during the Second World War, a pilot that became an ace was a pilot that had destroyed five aircraft. And now you're looking at an ace. I have one AT-6, to my credit, one Hawker Hurricane, and three P-40s. Now, a lot of my friends wondered whose side I was on. But nevertheless, to cut a long story short, I wound up in Egypt. I was in the Middle East and Malta, Sicily and Italy, and I had been shot down three times during the war. And of course, this is the alcoholic's perfect excuse to drink. If anybody dared say anything about my drinking, I could put on this woe-begone look and say, well, I had such traumatic experiences during the war. If you went through what I had gone through, you would drink also. Or me. And then I realized that my problem was I just didn't have enough responsibility. That must be it, because I met this woman who was a nursing sister in the army. We started going together, and I said, you know, marriage seemed like a pretty good deal. And she said, but Donald, you drink so much. And I said, well, naturally. I have absolutely no responsibility, and I'm overseas. But you know, if we got married, I'll bet you that would do the trick. That's what I need is some responsibility and some children, and everything will be fine. So this poor woman married me, and I got drunk on our honeymoon. And she says, Donald, I don't understand what's the matter with you. I thought we were going to stop drinking when we got married. And I said, well, not quite. What I meant was when we get back home. I might just as well finish it off now while we're overseas. But when we have kids, don't drink. When we have kids, don't worry. So we got back home. We had a son, and we had a daughter. And of course, the night my daughter was born, I was drunk. And then the inevitable story again, Donald, I don't understand what's the matter with you. And I said, well, it's not my fault. And she said, it's not your fault you're drinking. Whose fault is it? And I said, your fault. She says, why? And I said, you keep on having all these kids loading me up with all this responsibility, and I just can't cope with it. Besides that, I said, it's the service. You know, in the Air Force, everybody is a drunk. Everybody. And I'll get out of the service. I'll become a civilian. And we'll start raising our family, and everything will be fine. So I got out of the service, and I became a news reporter on the daily newspaper. And everything went well for two or three weeks until inevitably one of the fellows in the night desk brought in a pint to work. And we split it up in the night shift. And the next night, one of the other fellows brought in a pint. And then it was my turn. And of course, being alcoholic, I had to do things bigger and better. I brought in a quart. They had a couple of drinks. I got drunk. The next morning, it was the old story back home. My wife saying, I don't understand. What is the matter with you? I said, there is nothing the matter with me. She said, what is the problem? I said, it's because I'm a newspaper man. And as you know, all newspaper men drink. So I'll quit this job, and we'll move somewhere else. We'll move away from this city where we've been brought up. And we'll move somewhere miles away and start a new life, a new job, and everything is going to be fine. Well, you know, the alcoholics here. Well, the alcoholics here will understand that and believe that. I honestly meant it at that time. I did not know, as I have learned later in Alcoholics Anonymous, that this is taking the geographical cure. So we moved, and of course, I changed jobs, and I still drank, and so on and so forth. And I finally wound up at the age of 26 years of age. We lived in a small town in northern Ontario. And it was Christmas in 1947. And I'd gone out and gotten drunk and embarrassed the whole family. I began at a church function, so on and so forth. And I was just about the bottom. I had just about hit bottom. The business I was in was on the verge of bankruptcy. We had a clergyman come and visit, and he left a parcel in a bag. And when he left, I opened this parcel, and in it was a book entitled Alcoholics Anonymous. So I turned to my wife and said, Why do you think he left a book like that with me? She said, He probably thinks you need it. And that did it. I threw the book in the corner and said, I will never, as long as I live, ever read that damn book. And I said, I am not an alcoholic. And I said, Furthermore, if that bird ever sets foot in this home again, I will bodily pick him up and throw him out. Because I said, All these priests and ministers are the same anyway. They're a bunch of racketeers that prey on the emotions of old women and young children. And this religion is a form of primitive superstition anyway. And we intelligent people know that. Now, that's called throwing the baby out with the bathwater, I've learned later. I don't have to tell you, my wife was somewhat upset about this statement. And she said, I don't see how you can say a thing like that. And I said, Well, do you believe in your religion? Do you believe in God and all that nonsense? And she said, Yes. I said, Do you mean to stand there and tell me you believe all that garbage they write about in the Bible? And she said, Yes. I said, Do you mean you believe this story? About this carpenter who made a blind man see and he made a lame man walk? He performed a miracle? She said, Yes. And I said, Now I got you. I said, If that were so, if that were so, and the stories they tell about this carpenter, that he was wandering around the earth and he performed these miracles to prove the existence of his father. I said, And that would also help people believe. And my wife agreed. And I said, Ha! If there was a God, he would know that in this day and age, the world is filled with people like me, the agnostics, the doubters, the atheists. And if he was so smart and so all knowing, he would perform a miracle today. And I said, I'm not talking about something that happens in France or Italy or Spain or someplace where you can never track down any of the details and get the proof of it. But he would have something happen in this day and age, perform a miracle, so that we could see it. And you see, there is no miracle, so therefore there can be no God. And I went on with my drinking. My wife started making plans for separation. I didn't know it then. I was upset with this clergyman. And then my friendly doctor got on my case. A man that I had tremendous respect and admiration for. I used to think we were so fortunate. We had such a dedicated man living in our community. Many times I had said this doctor, Herb Dunning, could have made a lot of money living in a big city, practicing his art of medicine. But because of his dedication to his profession, he chose to live in this small town, and we got the benefit of his skill. And we're indeed fortunate people. But then all of a sudden, my friend came to visit me. In those days, doctors made house calls. And he came up to visit me, and I'd cracked a rib. It seems I had stumbled over a box when I was a little under the weather. And I had this sore rib. And my wife called the doctor over, and he came to sit and sat in my bedside, and we started talking. And he didn't say, how are your ribs or anything else? He said, Don, I'm concerned about the way you drink. And I looked at him, and I thought, what concern is this of his? And he talked a little more about my drinking and how he thought that I should cut it back and cut it down, so on and so forth. And then he left. My wife came into the room, and she said, well, what did the doctor say? And I had this puzzled look on my face, and I said, I'm amazed. She said, amazed at what? I said, I'm amazed a crack like that ever got a license to practice medicine. She said, I thought you liked herb. And I said, no, not really. I said, it just goes to show you. You know, if that bird had anything on the ball, he'd be in some big city making lots of money. But he obviously couldn't cut it down there, so we're stuck with that kind of second-rate medical treatment in these small towns. There's just no injustice. And, of course, it was the same with the banker. When the banker talked to me the last time I had seen him, instead of just automatically agreeing with a loan to cover my overdraft, he wanted to talk about my drinking. And, of course, I thought, there we are. What a mess I'm in. I was on the verge of bankruptcy. I had a wife and two children. We lived in three rooms above a store. It certainly wasn't a home. They were leaving. And I had all these people on my back, the clergyman, the doctor, and the banker. And I resented them all. And all of a sudden, my drinking buddy, who I used to drink with, got caught with the DTs. And on New Year's Day in 1948, they put him in a hospital. And while he was lying in this hospital, a clergyman came to visit him and asked him what he was there for. He told him he was an alcoholic. And he said, have you ever heard of Alcoholics Anonymous? And Hal said, no, I haven't. He said, would you like to? And Hal said, I'll do anything, if there's an answer to this problem. So the clergyman got him in touch with AA and he sobered up. And he immediately started to haunt my place of employment. He started to change. He began to look good. He shaved in the morning. He had a twinkle in his eye, a clean shirt. And he'd come over and come into the store and have a Coke and stand there and drink it and ask me how things were going. And of course, I lied. I said, they're just going fine now. And I'd look around and I'd, why does that bird hang around here? And he told me that he'd joined Alcoholics Anonymous. And I thought, well, yeah, I know all about those ANAs. I've heard about them. And he said, would you like to come to a meeting? And I said, absolutely not. What would I go to an AA meeting for? And he said, well, I thought you might just like to see what's happened to me. So I said, no way. And this went on all through the month of January and into February. And I'd been on the wagon, of course, to prove once and for all I was not an alcoholic. I was going to go for a whole year without a drink. In February, I had a problem with the bill. I was in business, had a large overdraft, and I'd gotten drunk that weekend. And I got up that Monday morning and she wasn't even talking to me. Now, when she didn't even talk, I knew I was in real trouble. I much preferred her taking on my case and giving me a real severe tongue lashing and the ranting and the raving and the tears and all that. I could cope with that. But the absolute silence, I knew there was something going on and I didn't know how to cope with it. I also dreaded going to work that morning because I had to see the banker. Now, in times past, I knew that any time I couldn't quite make seeing the banker, I could get her to go for me. And for some strange reason, this banker always gave her what she asked for but gave me a lecture and drinking. But there was no way, is she going to go over to that bank this morning? I just knew that. I had this sense because she just was absolutely noncommunicative. So I went down to the store and I was really depressed and wondering, what am I going to do? And who comes walking across the street and in the door but this idiot from the ANA? And I thought, boy, that's all I need today is if I don't have enough trouble. They say it all comes at once. Well, let's prove it. So this bird came in and of course he got his coke and a big smile on his face and said, how are things going? And I lied. I said, just fine. And he said, well, I just thought that maybe you'd like to know something more about alcohol. Because he knew I had been drunk on the weekend. And he said, you sure you wouldn't like to go? And I was so busy thinking about her and the banker and the business. And all of a sudden, the light went on. Click. I said to him, can I talk to you in confidence? And he said, yes. I said, when do they have these meetings? He said, Friday nights. And I said, how much does it cost? He said, it's free. He said, it's free. I said, which church is behind it? He said, there's no church behind it. Right away I got suspicious. I said, you mean to tell me it's free, there's no church behind it, and you guys just get sober? He said, yup. I said, what do you talk about? He said, we just talk about ourselves. So then I had the great idea and I said, do you permit visitors to your meetings? And he kind of looked puzzled. I said, you see, if I can talk to you in confidence, Hal, I've got a brother who has a terrible drinking problem. Do you think I could go to one of your meetings, learn a little bit about it, maybe help my brother? He said, oh, I'm sure you could. I said, wait right here. Off upstairs I went above the store. She was in the kitchen and of course her back was to me. I said, hi. No response. Nothing. I said, Hal is down in the store. Nothing. So I just thought I'd throw it out. So I said, well, I've decided I will go to a meeting of the ANA with him on Friday night. You know? And that did it. I knew her. She turned around. She ran over, threw her arms around me. She says, oh, Donald, I'm so glad you're finally going to do something. And I said, oh, yeah, well, I've got to look at every possibility, you know. Would you mind, would you mind going to the bank for me this morning? And she said, no, not at all. What should I tell him? And I had her. I just knew. So I said, good. See, because this meeting, this was Monday. And the meeting wasn't until Friday night anyway. And I could easily find an excuse by Friday to not go. So downstairs I went and I told Hal, I said, OK, I'm very busy now. You'll have to leave. But I'll go to that meeting with you on Friday night just as a visitor. He said, OK. And away he went. And I thought, nice going. So she went to the bank, got the overdraft. Everything was going fine. And Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, rolled around. This guy never showed up. And Friday, I got started feeling uneasy. When's he going to come over? I've got to find some excuse to get this guy off my back because who needs to go to that thing now because I haven't had a drink all week anyway. And so I really think I have it under control. You know, I just won't go. But he never showed up and I closed the store a little early that night. And I thought, nice going. He's forgotten. I went upstairs and I wasn't in the house two minutes and the phone rang and it was this idiot from AA. And so I started making my excuses and my she rushed over and tapped me in the shoulder. She said, you promised. And I don't mind you breaking your promises with me, but at least you keep them with other people. So I said, what time does the meeting start? He said, it's at 8 o'clock. I said, where is it? And he said, it's in Haleybury, the next town. And I said, well, Hal, I got a lot to do tonight, but I said I can go up in one bus and back in the next. I can use one hour. He said, you don't have to go on the bus. He said, one of the members is coming over with a car and we'll come over and pick you up. I said, that won't be necessary. You see, I didn't want them picking me up because I just knew what it would be, a big white station wagon with Alcoholics Anonymous written on the side of it that had one of those loudspeakers with music blaring out of it. And there'd be people handing out pamphlets that had been saved. And I just didn't want any part of that nonsense. So I said, I'll meet you over at your place. So I got out the back door that night, my hat down over my eyes, my coat collar up and up the back alleys because I was afraid I'd meet somebody. And if they said, where are you going? You can't say you're going to one of those A&A meetings because they'd think there's something wrong with you. And I didn't want the neighbors to see their car at my door in case they thought I was one and all this sort of thing. And I was cursing my luck about how I'd gotten trapped into going with this idiot. And so I arrived at my first A&A meeting and there were four fellows there. And lo and behold, I was shocked. They weren't what I expected to see. They weren't a bunch of drunken bums. They were all clean and they wore suits. They had a twinkle in their eye and they had a solid handshake. They said, come on in. And we sat down and they started talking about their stories. They shared in a general way what they used to be like, what happened and what they were like now. And as they were talking about what they were like, I was sitting there nodding. Mm-hmm. And then I got to this point now. I wonder how come they found out so much about me. They're talking about my life. And then I figured, well, I had it. I'll bet you when I'm at work, they've called her and she has told them all these things. And by God, wait till I get back home and I'll straighten that woman out about telling these total strangers all about me. But then they told me a few things that she didn't know anything about. And that really had me worried. Well, I knew she didn't know anything about them because she never stayed married to me. And then I wondered, I finally blurted it out. I said, how do you guys know so much about me? They said, we're not talking about you, Don. We're talking about ourselves. And our stories are just a projection of basic symptoms of alcoholism. And in those days in AA, there were no treatment centers. We didn't even have women in AA in those days. An AA meeting lasted as long as it took them to convince the newcomer to come back to the next meeting. So I got to my first meeting at 8 p.m. sharp, and I got home sharp at 2.30 a.m. And I am the guy who went there convinced I was not an alcoholic, didn't want to get sober, didn't want to associate with alcoholics, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And here is where the miracle started. Because that was on the 19th of February in 1948, and from that day to this, I have not found it necessary, nor have I taken a drink of alcohol, nor a sedating or tranquilizing pill of any kind, or smoked any of those funny cigarettes. It's just hasn't been necessary. And I started off going to AA four times a week, at least, and went on from there. And again, because of my monumental lack of understanding and my lack of education, AA has given me much more than just sobriety. It has taught me a great deal about English. The first thing I learned from my sponsors when they said that we must get honest with ourselves, and I said, well, that's not a bad deal. And they said, Don, do you know what honesty means? And so I hummed and hawed and beat around the bush, and he saved me from any further embarrassment, and he wrote it out. And he said, honesty is the total absence of any intent to deceive. Now, I'm the kind of guy who's going to work in the morning, my wife would say, would you mail this letter? And I'd put it in my pocket, go off to work, come home at five, she'd say, did you mail my letter? And it suddenly dawned on me, it's in my pocket. So I'd look at her and say, what do you mean that I made your letter? She said, well, just what I said, did you mail my letter? I said, my God woman, you mean to tell me you can't trust me, an adult, your husband, to do a simple chore like mail a letter? She said, Donald, I just wanted to know, did you mail my letter? I said, my God woman, you know I go out this door every morning, go right down past the post office on the way to work. And she said, Donald, did you mail my letter? I said, do you remember the other night we were arguing about what's wrong with our marriage? I said, you should go in the bathroom and do a simple chore like mail a letter and you'll wonder why our marriage is going on the rocks. And she says, well, I'm sorry. I said, you ought to be. And I'd go and sit down and pick up my newspaper. Now, I hadn't lied to her, I thought. And so that's what they taught me in AA was that honesty was a total absence of any intent to deceive. There are many other things. They told me that the problem with the alcoholic was selfishness and self-centeredness. And they said, any time we have something like that, we must take an antidote. And I said, what's the antidote for that? And they said, humility. And I didn't understand really what they meant. But I discovered in Alcoholics Anonymous a good definition of humility. And it is not thinking less of me, but thinking of me less. That's all it means, humility. Not thinking less of me, but just thinking of me less. And so I've had to go and try and find the definitions for many, many words. And one of the words that they've used so much in Alcoholics Anonymous is this word love and service. And then I think of the word love. And you know, I as an alcoholic never understood the meaning of the word love. I never knew how to give nor receive love. Because I was an emotional and emotionally handicapped person. And I discovered the definition of love in AA. And it wasn't an AA member, by the way. It was Ann Morrow-Lindberg on the force of love in her book Locked Rooms and Open Doors. And she describes love this way, and I believe this is what we mean in Alcoholics Anonymous when we talk about love. Quote, People talk about love as though it were something you could give, like an armful of flowers. And a lot of people give love like that, just dump it down on top of you, a useless, strong-scented burden. I don't think it is anything you can give. Love is a force in you that enables you to give other things. It is the motivating power. It enables you to give strength and power and freedom and peace to another person. It is not a result. It is a cause. It is not a product. It produces. It is a power like money or steam or electricity. It is valueless unless you can give something else by means of it. And unquote. And that's what I believe love is what we talk about in this program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now I told you I started going to AA about averaging four meetings a week back in 1948 and I still average at least four meetings a week now. And the only thing I have to share with you is that experience of some 33 years of averaging four meetings a week with many hundreds or thousands of alcoholics over the years. And that is the only thing that I share with you this morning is my own experience. And I have come to observe certain things and one of these things is that alcoholism is a disease. Not because AA says so or I say so but the American Medical Association said so. And by the way AA started in 1935 and the big book was printed in 1939. But the American Medical Association did not declare alcoholism as a disease until the late 1950s. So it is a relatively new disease. And because it is a relatively new disease we have to we are going to have to keep learning more about it. Now anytime we have a new disease of course we people think automatically why don't the doctors do something. But when I was a child growing up and I see there are a few white haired people here they will understand what I am talking about. Most of you won't. But as a child growing up there was a disease called consumption. And you know it was a terrible disgrace to have a consumptive in your home. People would shy away from you. And when you had a consumptive person the doctor couldn't recognize it very easily. They could if you had hemorrhaging you were very very pale anemic and you had a collapsed lung. Then the doctor could recognize it very quickly. And you were sent into the sand for treatment. But then the medical profession got busy and they discovered that this was a disease this consumption that could affect anybody. Male or female. Young or old. Rich or poor. Regardless of race color or creed. And so it was a disease. And so they decided to get busy with it and they did fortunately for us. And they went on a program embarked on a program of educating the general public at large. And they changed the name of it to tuberculosis. And as you know today there is no disgrace to be tubercular. Also today you no longer have to wait for collapsed lungs to get treatment. The moment a spot appears in your lung you are eligible for treatment. And they have the ways of finding that out. And so the age of treatment for tuberculosis has dropped considerably over the years as people gained more knowledge about it. And I have discovered this is what is happening in Alcoholics Anonymous. As we learn more about the disease of alcoholism that is why the average age is beginning to drop. We are beginning to recognize it much sooner. Nevertheless the disease is the same. Now it's a disease of a three-fold nature. It's not spiritual. The physical sensitivity to alcohol or the malfunction is hereditary. Now before some of you old boys back there saying that old goat up there is not playing with a full deck this is not my version. I am not saying it is hereditary. This comes from a non-alcoholic trustee of our General Service Board of Alcoholics Anonymous. An MD plus other degrees who is involved in this. The question now it is hereditary. The last two I believe you said genetic studies have proven it is hereditary. The physical sensitivity only. And what do we mean by that physical sensitivity to alcohol? They don't even know what it is yet. But it is a malfunction in our system. And best to describe it is to tell you something about you all drive automobiles. You all know what I am talking about when I talk about the oil level in an automobile. It must be too high. If you have too much oil in your automobile and you drive it you will blow a seal. And so if you have too much oil in the automobile you must let some of it out manually because a car is a mechanical thing. On the other hand if your oil gets too low in the car you could seize up your engine. I think you all know that. And because a car is a mechanical thing we must manually add some oil to it. To bring it up to the safe operating. There is something in them called a blood sugar level. Now our doctors and geneticists have not yet discovered what it is. But they suspect it is something like this. Something similar to the oil level. That being a human being these controls are controlled automatically. However every so often we meet people it doesn't matter whether you are male, female, young, old, blah, blah, blah all that stuff. The blood sugar level rises so high but with most of us it automatically spills out in the ocean. And that goes up and these people will pass out, go into a coma and they are called diabetic. And what happens is that blood sugar level must be brought down manually. Either through special diet or insulin one way or another. And there is no cure for diabetes. However there is successful treatment and watching it on a regular basis. On the other hand when that blood sugar level like the oil gets too low with a human it brings it back up automatically little valve or whatever it is opens and some carbohydrate flows into the system and holds it up in the normal range. There are people that when it gets low that malfunction it does not work automatically and they are called alcoholic. It's that simple. And when that blood sugar level gets too low they must take some carbohydrate into the system to bring it back up. So this is a phenomenon where a person that both sides of that or both ends of it are malfunctioning and they are called alcoholic diabetics. It's that simple. Now they still don't know what it is so don't rush out here and say you know that old boy says that I've got to eat lots of sugar. I didn't say that. You could be hyperglycemic. Go and see your doctor first. However like the oil in an automobile and this is the one thing that we get warnings that the car does when it gets low oil. We get a little light comes on the dashboard. The oil pressure starts to drop. The oil temperature goes up. We'll hear a knocking. We'll smell something burning. It'll get hot in the car and all of a sudden there's a loud thunk when it's seized up. But before that engine seizure we have had lots of warnings right. It's the same thing with the alcoholic when that blood sugar level gets dangerously low and we get all kinds of warnings in tents sweaty palms uptight open cupboard doors look in something says we're looking for nothing. Leave me alone and we pick up a paper and look at set it down. We start getting nervous upset. The kid you come home from work and you're all right up and the kids say Daddy I want to tell you what happened school today say for God's sakes leave me alone and this is but Daddy and you say turn to your wife say for God's sakes woman can't you see him all brought up get these kids out of here. Can't you have any consideration for me so she grabs the children waiting all upset and then we get so defiant and angry and then self-pity and depression and nobody loves me poor me where's the kids and the wife you see they're not even here. They don't care completely forgotten. I am the one that had sent them out in a fit of anger just moments before there are many alcoholics who get in such a fit of depression that they will attempt to take their own lives and many alcoholics have destroyed themselves and destroyed their own lives and they're going to die. They're going to die. They're going to commit suicide in a deep fit of depression and it's such a waste of human life when you can think all they had to do was simply eat a Hershey bar when it first when the first red light first came on and the pressure and the temperature started changing to this day. I will never travel anywhere without some chocolate with me my bedside table. I have some Swiss milk chocolate and if I should have a tough time bad flight back or anything else and I lie there toss and turn right away the signal comes on and then I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I say up low blood sugar. I just reach out my bedside table take a chocolate pop it in my mouth let it melt my mouth and would you believe just lay down and go to sleep like a baby and that has gone on for years and years so it does work. Now they didn't know much about that in the early days of Alcoholics Anonymous but our sponsors did come and tell us the first thing my sponsor and there was no Al-Anon by the way in those days reality and the first thing my sponsors did would have had to come home to my home and I would have to come home and I would have to come home and I would have to come home and sit down with my wife and say now your husband is an alcoholic and he's going to come he's coming to AA. She says thank God. She said they said there's something you ought to know that from now on you can help by making desserts with his meals and she said but Donald never eats desserts. They said no we know you're going to say that we don't know why it is but it seems once the alcoholic sobers up they start eating desserts. We don't know why so we want to prepare you to do that and of course to this day I go through a meal so I simply to get to the dessert. I would rather have the dessert than the rest of the meal and so it's easy for me to accept that now that's the physical malfunction or whatever you want to call it and that's hereditary and they say it's not me if you want to get into it further right to Dr. Kenneth Williams and the General Service Board of Alcoholics and he'll give you all this stuff on the genetic surveys and that's hereditary and if it's hereditary tough bananas. It's just like the color of her eyes that it's hereditary and we can say it's not fair. I wish I had other color eyes. I wish I wish I wish wishing doesn't mean change the color of her eyes. If it's a hereditary thing we simply have to accept it and go on from there and so it is if we have this physical sensitivity to alcohol the other two parts of this is emotional and spiritual and what do we mean by that to me it simply means that I as a child growing up was he met emotionally and spiritually retarded now if you're an alcoholic you don't like that word retarded you don't mind it on other people that's understandable there are other people that have various forms of retardation and that's acceptable. But don't you talk about me being retarded so we sugarcoat that pill and we say we are emotionally handicapped or we're emotionally immature but really it's a form of retardation because I grew up physically and mentally but emotionally and spiritually I remained as a small child now what do we mean by emotion everybody has emotion every human being has emotion and it's a wonderful thing we do what are these emotions love is an emotion anger is an emotion fear is an emotion but I as a retarded person emotionally did not cope I could not cope with those normal emotions I didn't understand anything about love I never knew whether I was in love or in heat it's that simple and people the Al-anon family members of should understand that that is why when we come to Alcoholics Anonymous and we stop drinking Friday Monday morning we are not well all we have done is stop drinking we have a lot of catching up to do emotionally and spiritually to become prepared as adults and so that's why so many people have never been able to understand the alcoholic well if you loved your wife and children he wouldn't drink he's confused as I was people said that to me God I loved her and those kids honest to God I love those kids as best I could but I couldn't seem to stop from drinking for that there wasn't any relationship I was lost and so it's a thing we have to learn and I've discovered what it is I believe and this is a personal thing I know you think I'm nuts now but I believe that human emotion is one of nature's phenomena that's why every human being has emotion however there's a catch to it and that is properly contained such things as what's another phenomenon well fire that's fine isn't it properly contained fire is a wonderful servant the people from Rapid City will understand a few years ago that devastating flood they had water properly contained in riverbeds and banks behind Dykes behind dams in pipes under control is a wonderful servant we remove the control and it becomes a devastating flood and that's the same thing with wind and all these other things nature and I believe human emotion is the same and we are given a container of all my emotion my emotions control my intellect they ran rampant I wallowed in emotionalism and sentimentality that's not emotion and sentiment there's a vast difference one is with control and is a wonderful servant the other is out of control and a terrible master and so I had to learn in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous to start using this intellect to control these emotions and it's a wonderful threat thrill as all of us were thrilled when we grew up physically and mentally to see the changes that came about in our lives and believe me those physical and mental changes are peanuts compared to emotional and spiritual growth and when I talk about spiritual that's the other part of it Blanche hit on it today so well and we talk about this spiritual growth and I start to think why should I grow spiritually and I look back at all the things and I talked about and Blanche talked about the definitions well did to me I discovered in a the definition of religion is an organized form of worship and beliefs the definition of spiritual is pertaining to a state of mind and in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous the 12 steps as having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps it simply means we have had a change of attitude towards the towards life it's strictly a change of attitude now I look at my alcoholism and I say it's like the disease of TB or cancer these other things but there's another strange thing I have noticed about alcoholism and you know it's very similar to another condition I was familiar with at the time I came to my first day a meeting and this is and again this is a personal thing strictly it is that I look at my alcoholism and compare it to the other condition I had and that was known as Bo body odor I think you all know what I'm talking about and the reason I say my alcoholism was like Bo I was the last person in town to find out that I had it now isn't that like Bo you're never the first to know you're always the last to know and that's the way my alcoholism was another thing I resent in any reference to it by my family or friends if somebody comes up to you and says why don't you take a bath do you say well gee thanks very much I wasn't aware not me I would get very defensive I want to put my defensive I want to punch him right in the mouth don't you talk about me being Bo God if you had to work the way I did in the climate that I work and blah blah blah blah blah rationalize it and everything else and so that's the way I drank if anybody talked about my drinking I got very defensive another thing like the person with Bo the alcoholic you'll notice I was only comfortable with other people like myself in other words let's turn the temperature up in this room about another 50 degrees get it real hot in here and decide to stay here for coffee and sandwiches there's six or eight people in this room with Bo I will guarantee in no time at all that six or eight with Bo will all be clustered together away from the rest of the group just watch it someday the same thing in drinking circles cocktail parties and things like that you'll find the court social drinkers all mingling around the room you'll see a half a dozen cluster together drinking in between drinks and gulping they don't take the olive out and just put it back and set the drink down talk with something else they take the olive out and bottoms up those are the alcoholics only come through with others like themselves and of course the reason I did that is because if I had Bo and my wife was a little suspicious if I got this next to someone who had it worse than I did mine seemed to blend away out of it and if anybody said they said you know strange order it's a yeah it's him anybody and there was an old farmer that I used to drink with but I won't say his name was first name keep in mind that's his name was Alf and every time my wife talked about my drinking I used to it could be worse you could be married to Alf there was one person that I drank with that was worse than me now that in itself should have told me something I could have only found one that I thought was worse the other thing about this Bo and alcoholism is remarkable the similarities is that medical science as great as it is today has not yet come up with a cure there is no known cure for in the world today for either body odor or for alcoholism there is no cure however there is successful treatment for both conditions now if it's Bo the successful treatment is regular bathing with soap and water but the key to that is regularity now you can't take three baths on Monday because you're going to be gone for a couple of weeks it just doesn't work and so when people say to me Don are you still going to a a meetings and I say yeah they say how many you go to and I say I don't know I said oh at least for a week got that strange after 33 years here you still go to all those meetings but you haven't had a drink and all this time why do you still go to meetings and I think that's strange they would ask me that but they're really saying to me the same thing they're saying to me is Don are you still bathing regularly and I say yep for 33 years and I say yep but you haven't smelled bad and all that time why do you still bathe now you don't have to be a genius to figure that one out and now when it gets down to my meetings well do you like meetings that has nothing to do with it it's like saying do you like bathing and shaving that's got nothing to do with it I bathe and shave because I love the effect it produces in my life I shave every morning seven days a week and the reason I do I'll tell you is because I have four little granddaughters mop and they throw their arms around my neck and they say oh grandpa you smell so good and you know we have a lot of girls in our group and the more head Thursday night group we have about 150 members and a third of them are women and some of them I sponsor they come up and they say sponsor give me a big hug and they hug me tight and their little girls but 24 25 30 or 35 or 45 you know and they say gee you smell good Don and they hug me and you know I just love that I just love it maybe there's something wrong with me but anyway I do love I always have but you see what I'm getting at I love the effect it produces in my my life being physically clean and smelling good and so it is with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous I love the effect it produces in my life I love that effect and when I look back over the years night well well spiritual growth what does it mean and here is the rampant agnostic who condemned religion priests ministers and everything else and I'm the one who said if there was a miracle I would like to see it I knew people when I came at age 26 completely bankrupt in every Department of Living you took me by the hand and with tender loving care you said come walk with us one day at a time and if you follow the principles of this program and you do the things you're asked to do you will feel clean inside and good things will happen in your life and you will be able to live your life to witness a miracle in your life and better than that witness many other miracles and through the years I have seen this miracle I was too dumb to even recognize it for a long time but I saw this program perform a miracle in that when I came to a a I had a wife and two children but they certainly didn't have a husband or a father we lived in a house it wasn't a home and this program turned that house into a home it gave a woman back a husband and it gave a woman back two children a father what a miracle further than that the time my father passed away I was in full blossom as an alcoholic my older brother and I went to the funeral and one time that the five older sisters and the mother need their brother support my brother and I got drunk and embarrassed the whole family and so we were sort of cast out as family members and through the years I saw this program give a woman back not one son but two sons because shortly after I got sober we set a trap for my older brother and it worked we caught him and he had 16 years of sobriety before his death and this program gave five sisters back two brothers now this has to be a miracle it has to be a miracle and so I have to believe in this power that's greater than myself and then as I say I had to learn to use some intellect to control the emotions and as the intellect began to get a little exercise my common sense began to tell me certain other things I don't need anybody else to prove to me that there is of God my common sense tells me that we look at things around us we all know there's oxygen in this room does anybody doubt that it's an intangible thing you can't see taste touch or feel it but yet you all accept it at face value that there is oxygen here and yet if I say there is a God you say oh but wait a minute I can't believe that God is an intangible we never will see him but he is here just as much as the oxygen is here and all we have to know whether he is here or not is just like the oxygen just go without a shut it off for a while and we can see what happens my common sense tells me other things I used to think how could this power have be concerned about me as an individual that's utterly ridiculous there's so so many people and again all we have to do is use our intellect or common sense I don't know how many people are sitting in this room but if we all held up our hands generally we would all look alike but we aren't each and every one of us is a separate individual there are no two sets of fingerprints the same in this room isn't that remarkable there are 225 million Americans and there are no two sets of fingerprints the same there are four and one half billion people in this on this universe and there are no two sets of fingerprints the same you tell me some of you geniuses out here how could this possibly happen if there wasn't some supreme intelligence how could you have four and a half billion of anything without duplication and that's only one small thing one small thing the Sun has risen every morning and every every morning since I've been alive and set every night and I see the stars in the sky I see the effect the moon has on the tides I have also discovered in reading that magazine that the beekeepers did you know that when man first made an artificial honeycomb and trained bees to fill that honeycomb so man could use the honeycomb that when they that some beekeepers got it and some didn't until they did some research and they discovered that the comb must be set at exactly 13 degrees from the horizontal and and also from the vertical and it doesn't matter whether your bees are born in the United States are born in Canada or England or Australia New Zealand Africa if you set that comb at 14 degrees or 12 degrees the bees will not fill it with honey but it must be set at 13 degrees and nature takes over and the bees do their work what a remarkable thing that is we have to recognize that there is an intelligence in this universe and for lack of any other name and I don't care whether you call this higher power God because you see in India they don't they call that higher power Allah and if we went to Iran and we were Muslim they wouldn't call that higher power God they would call it Muhammad and there are other names for it there's Buddha there's all kinds of names if you want to call your higher power Ralph that's perfectly right it doesn't really matter the name doesn't matter it's a recognition and the acceptance that there is a power the other thing that I have discovered through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous remarkable thing is that all these different religions seem to have one thing in common they all talk about the beginning of the earth and they say that all forms of life on this earth operate either an instinct or by climate save one that's human life and human life was given to us by God through the free will and that simply means that whatever I will the power is added the power is always there to permit me to use my will as I choose in other words if I decide to feel upset angry defiant lonely inferior inadequate depressed poor me would you believe the power is there and in no time I can be in a fit of depression however if I will it to be happy joyous and free that power is still there to be happy joyous and free whatever I will the power is added and I can tell you that my wife is the kind of a woman who can remember things when she was four years of age but she cannot tell you the last time I ever had a depression I have not felt depressed for years and years in this program of Alcoholics Anonymous once I discovered that all I had to do was adjust my attitude to what is real and I can be happy joyous and free I no longer feel guilt and fear but the problem with that is I cannot no longer try and make another person feel guilty or fearful that's the catch if we want to be free of guilt and fear we're not allowed to do it to anyone else we must live that way and the things will happen so whatever I will the power is added the power is added I've searched for a good long time to try and put into words because of my monumental lack of education I feel sometimes so inadequate to be able to tell you the wonderful things that have happened in my life and what this program of Alcoholics Anonymous means to me and that some time ago I read a little thing that was written over a hundred years ago by an anonymous soldier of the Confederacy and it was called the way to the Lord and it was called the ways of the Lord and I read that and I reread it and I said to my phone running out to my wife and I said do you believe this and she said what I said this was written more than a hundred years ago by an anonymous soldier of the Confederacy and it explains exactly what has happened in my life it explains about this miracle and the existence of God and it goes something like this I asked God for help that I might achieve I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey I asked for help that I might do greater things I was given infirmity that I might do better things I asked for riches that I might be happy I was given poverty that I might be wise I asked for all things that I might enjoy life I was given life that I might enjoy all things I got nothing that I asked for but everything I had hoped for so despite myself my prayers were answered and I feel I am among all men most richly blessed and there may be some newcomer sitting here this morning that I can bear witness to you that I that all this has happened in my life not necessarily because of me but in spite of me because I also discovered the ways of God that I have a way to win is to surrender is so strange that this is the motto of your jamboree this weekend we surrender to win in the beginning I didn't surrender I submitted but there's a big difference between submission and surrender and somewhere along the line when we learn to surrender we can win and if there's anybody new that says that's alright for him to talk that way but what about me in this day and age because remember we're growing at an unprecedented rate the big book was published in 1939 it took 32 years to sell the first million copies the second millionth copy went in five years and at our current rate it'll be about three years for the third millionth copy to go the first copy copy number 1 million our general service office gave it to Richard Nixon who was president United States and shortly after he received our award he was the first president history to resign from office this copy number 3 million there's 2 million came along and we decided we should give it to Pierre Elliott Trudeau the Prime Minister of Canada and we don't know why but he didn't accept it and so he gave it to Joseph Califano who was Secretary of Health Education Welfare who came to our general service office a truly dedicated man who believed in helping people and he got the book and shortly after he was terminated his job it'll be a short time when the third millionth copy comes off the press there are some of us who think that perhaps we should present it to the Ayatollah Khomeini I don't know but those are the things that happen but I just tell you these figures so you'll know how rapidly a is growing as I say if you want to know how can this happen I will end this with a quotation from our big book of Alcoholics Anonymous it can happen to any one of us who allows it to happen bearing in mind whatever we will the power is added quote abandon yourself to God as you understand God admit your faults to him and to your fellows clear away the wreckage of your past give freely of what you find and join us we shall be with you in the fellowship of the spirit and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the road of happy destiny may God bless you and keep you until then thank you Don I have I would like at this time to have Blanche come back up the podium and Gary R is not with us this morning Mike OH would you come up please and my good co-chairman Leroy Leroy I need help and myself we have a gift that we have prepared for you we have for each of the speakers that were here at this time I would like to have Leroy present that gives to them this is the ladies okay on behalf of the panhandle jamboree committee and the entire force that came down to celebrate this with us we would like to have you have that and think of us as you take a look at it and we love having you and that was a wonderful story and our son grew up and moved away I waited a year or two thinking he might come back home but when I realized he was really gone I turned his bedroom into a little study for me I have had professional help when decorating the rest of the house but that little room is mine and I love it and it looks like hurricane hit it and on the walls I put these remembrances that I am given and I look at this I will remember as Don said the tender loving care that you gave back to us thank you so much and speechless for the message that you brought to us this morning I never seem to come to one of these or to a meeting that I don't get something that is beneficial out of and no words can I tell you of what I have gathered from you and like everything else as time goes on these will be used as they fit in and it is my pleasure to present you this on behalf of the panhandle jamboree committee the people that have driven miles and miles that will have to drive miles back we appreciate it and it was beautiful thank you thank you so much Roger love well Mike means Gary's not here on behalf of the panhandle jamboree committee myself John the entire force of people that are here we would like to have you give the word to carry that we appreciated we missed him this morning and I'm sure that he is going to miss what we have got to say to him from what we have gathered here but it's a good pleasure