Having Had a Spiritual Awakening We Go Find Them Not Wait for Them to Come – Chris R.

is going to be interesting, sitting down to do a pitch. Man, I don't know. This could go down, this could be strange. My name's Chris R.. I'm an alcoholic. When he said I made an impact, that was a nice way of saying I pissed off a whole bunch of people. And I'm afraid I'm going to do it again tonight. I don't know. I mean, this is the coolest, great, great clubhouse. This is the, I don't know. You got it? Anybody else? Can y'all hear me all right? You won't have a problem in a minute, I can promise you. I can't stand, maybe it's connected, maybe we'll be in trouble the rest of the night. But I need to tell you guys right off the bat where I'm at, okay? It's before I get started here, before anybody gets offended, gets cranky, you know. It's like, we're so goddamn sensitive, you know, alcoholics and addicts, you know. We'll do, we'll, we'll, we'll do shit in the crack house that you just, scare you to death. You'd be afraid that your mom would find out, right? You know, and out there drinking and drugging, we pull some shenanigans that we ought to all be locked up for, you know. But we come into AA and all of a sudden we get downright righteous, you know. And it's like, so I just need to tell you going in the door where I'm at here, okay? I nearly died getting to you folks. I'm eight years in and out of a fellowship. I started going to Alcoholics Anonymous, shit, 20 years ago when I, I, I, I was in trouble, folks. I was a, I was a garden-riding textbook alcoholic at 17 years old. And I just, we're going to talk about some of that. But I want to tell you, finally in 1987, I tried to take an overdose of pills and drink myself to death one night because I was just so depressed I couldn't stand it. And by the grace of God, that, that attempt was aborted. And by an even bigger grace of God, I ended up in a room full of people all carrying drugs. I was in a room full of people all carrying big books the next day. And they saved my life. And I'm, and I'm pretty passionate about it. I hear a lot of people speak from the podium rather flippantly about the fellowship, you know, and it's like, that ain't me. I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I love Cocaine Anonymous. I love Narcotics Anonymous. The 12 steps changed my life. Yeah, and oh, by the way, I stopped drinking and drugging, you know. It was the rest of the stuff why I'm so passionate. No, that's the truth. Everybody thinks that alcohol and drugs is our problem because it's the living piece. It's this internal condition that we're so crazy. How many of you ever had periods of sobriety and you finally just, my ex-wife used to do it all the time. She said, Chris, I'd come back in and be patting myself on the back because I had six months of sobriety. She said, I wish the fuck you'd get drunk so you'd get happy again. You know, I said, hey, you're more fun when you're drinking, you know. Isn't that the truth? Because while we're drinking because of the effect, you know, the effect once I'm drinking, once I'm drugging, I'm okay. So we're going to talk about some of that stuff. I need to tell you another thing. Get it out of the way right off the bat. I work for a treatment center in Texas and we treat a lot of people and I get to see some real truths from that. A guy may be in the fellowship for years and not come across as many drunks and addicts as I get to come across. I see a couple in the audience today, you know. That's a great thing. But I want to tell you, I get to watch a lot of people die in this fellowship. You know, everybody comes into my facility, the facility that I work for. And I get a chance to sit down with every one of them and I get to start asking them some questions. And I ask them two basic questions. I says, one, I says, you went to 12-step programs before you got here, didn't you? Narcotics Anonymous, cocaine, AA. You went to, oh yeah, shit, I went to AA for years. And he says, my next question is, well, why didn't you stay? And those of you that have heard my tape floating around Phoenix, you're right. The roads of Phoenix are littered with them. You know, people cranking them down and throwing them sons of bitches out the window. You know. That's not the one I was talking about. Son of a bitch is an opinionated little bastard. I can tell you that. You know, and he, oh, gee, I can hear it now. You know, but, and tonight will be the same. Coffee shops all over the valley will be full of people just like you. You know, I agree with most, here's an unlimited, I agree with most everything he said, you know, except the part where I stepped on your fucking feelings. And that's when you, and that's when you're going to go on the line, you see. So, I'm pretty passionate about it and I love the fellowship. I'm going to talk to you and everything I'm going to say comes right out of this book. It's called The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and I, and I, man, you guys get all, some of you are going to want to come out and visit with me. Some of you are going to love what I've got to say, truly. And you're going to want me to move to Phoenix. And some of you can't wait for me to move back to Texas. I can promise you that. You'll be waiting in the airport. You know, we don't need your kind up here in Arizona. I live in, I live in Ingram, Texas. Ingram, Texas. Can you believe that? Ingram, Texas. I wish I could explain this place. I've never been to a place that's more country than this. We've got one light and we've got four bars. You know what I mean? It's Ingram, Texas. I said it last time I was in Phoenix. It's the Appalachia of Texas. You know, it's just, it's just, I mean, everybody's married to everybody's sisters and brothers there. You know what I mean? It's like the, all their family trees look like this. You know what I mean? There's no, there's no branches on them. You know, it's like, I ain't kidding you. It's, it's, it's, it's awesome. But it's a great place to be and I, I, I, we've got a great life down there and I want to talk to someone about that. I've got an excellent life today and I need to tell you straight, you know, I come from the dumpsters of Houston, Texas. I know it can get pretty shitty out there and, and I'm not going to hear, bore you with all those stories, but I can tell you, I'm looking around the room before this meeting starts and it looks like a thousand other AA meetings I've ever been in. You know, there's a, there's a segment of you in here that are working the steps and have found a guide and are kicking butt and taking names. There's a whole bunch of you in here that are on the periphery. And I'm going to tell you this, you're probably sober today. There's a lot of you in here sober, but you're not happy. And I spent eight years in the fellowship just like that. Folks, this program is about being happy. And I, and that's what I'm going to talk about tonight. And that piece right there is going to step on some of you. It's just going to do it. You see, I'll straighten my patch and get going here. The truth of the matter is this. The truth of the matter is that there's a whole bunch of you in here that like to be victims. You love being a victim. Because you see, if you can blame your lot in life on something else besides what you're doing, then you can get nice and comfortable in it and just stay there. And I understand that. You know, it's a scary son of a bitching thing to walk out there and say, I'm going to stay sober the rest of my life. And I'm going to step on some of you right now. Nowhere in the first 164 pages did it say one effing day at a time. No, it does not. No, it does not. It says we have a spiritual reprieve based on our daily maintenance. It does not say that we come up here every day. Can you imagine the line of reasoning around this thing? I want to stay sober today. I'm happy, joyous and free. But what about tomorrow? What about when I get back to Texas and find out my wife has been having a little fairy poo with somebody, huh? Then maybe I don't want to stay sober, huh? Well, but it's one day at a time. I can always get sober the next day. You see, and the problem is that we don't have enough people in this fellowship understanding that this is a life-changing thing. We're supposed to get sober and stay sober and then get back there and start kicking some butt and helping other people stay sober. You follow me? You know, I'm talking to a lot of you guys and you've got a lot of information about the book. You've got a lot of information about the step. The only thing that you don't have is a little sobriety under your belt, right? It's a little difficult to listen to somebody with two days sobriety tell you how to work the step. You know what I'm saying? It kind of goes down the side way. Stay sober, guys. And I know it's a tough deal for you to do and I know you're not in a good place. Stick with us and we're going to show you how to do this, okay? Let me tell you one thing real quick. Coming from a treatment center, I get to see this as clear as a bell every day. And some of the things I'm going to say will kind of smack its heresy here. Treatment centers and therapists are not AA. You know what I'm saying? And AA is not treatment centers. And they're both needed and they're both useful and they're both wonderful things. I was talking to a guy this morning from, I got to do a little workshop and got to visit with some of the buckaroos that I got to meet last time I was in Phoenix talking and it was great to see everybody. Doing so well and, but one of the guys said, you know, basically that I'd stepped on his feelings because about this therapy business. And I need to tell you, I'm not stepping on anybody about therapy. I love therapy. I'm a product of some good therapy. Y'all follow what I'm saying? My life was changed in many ways by sitting across the table from somebody that understood about where I was and could help me. You follow me? But it didn't do a damn thing about my drinking and drugging folks. I suffer from a disease called alcoholism and drug addiction. And it's something that only a spiritual experience can treat. Now we can sit here and talk about it until the cows come home, but we've got to get straight with this real quick. And the young people in this room need to hear it especially because the young people in here are the ones that we need in the fellowship desperately. Largest, used to be the largest segment of deaths in AA was, was women. And now it shifted to young people. Can you believe that nonsense? Young people. Why? Because we don't have enough young people in the fellowship doing what we're supposed to be doing, i.e. working the steps and carrying the message. This is going to be good. Some of you are already chewing your gums. This is going to be, this is going to be good. I'm going to tell you, some of the things I'm going to say are controversial. I hear people all the time. Oh, Chris Ramer, you're that controversial speaker from Texas. You're that controversial. You know, I said, I'm controversial. Everything I'm saying comes out of the damn big book. This is the same message we got 64 years ago when Bill and Bob got sober. The same message that pushed our fellowship to damn near 100% success rate. Now I'm controversial. Huh? But next week you'll have some son of a bitch in here telling war stories, killing you guys by the thousands with his middle of the road solution. Well, just put the plug in the jug and everything will be okay. That's what I did. Well, how nice for him. We need to get something clear real quick, I guess. Everybody in this room is not an alcoholic. You can call yourself an alcoholic. You can sit in these meetings and smoke this smoke and catch a cold. You can call yourself an alcoholic. You can call yourself an alcoholic. You can play kissy face with our women and drink our coffee and blah, blah, blah. But you're not a part of this fellowship. You are not an alcoholic. There are a lot of people in this room that are not drug addicts. Read page 20 and 21 in the big book and it talks about the moderate drinker, the hard drinker, and then on page 21 it says, but what about the real alcoholic? What about the real McCoy? Huh? I got a bunch of these little stickers. If I can find them, I'll send y'all a bunch. It says, I'm the person on page 21. That's me. That's me. That's you. That's me. That's me. That's me. That's me. That's me. That's me. That's me. That's me. That's me. That's me. That's me. That's me. That's me. That's me. That's me. That's me. That's me. That's me. That's me. I'm telling you. You're a poster boy for page 21. I don't know what it is. But the people didn't explain that. See, when I first started coming to Alcoholics Anonymous back in 1979, 1980, and we're already, we're getting thousands of people in the fellowship from the treatment centers, right? They're grinding us out by the millions. And we're sitting in these meetings and we're talking about everything under the sun except the 12 steps, except the message that we talked about. Recovery rates, guys, and I'm not going to get into a bunch of history because it puts a bunch of you to sleep. I love it personally, but recovery rates back in the, early days of AA, back in 39 and 40, 41, 42, right up about the time they produced the damn 12 and 12, recovery rates were wonderful. 75% to the damn near 100% in some parts of the country were getting sober. And success rates in Texas today is right around 5%. I don't know what you've got in Phoenix, but it sucks in Texas. And this is heresy here to talk about this nonsense. Everybody wants to look the other way and pretend it didn't happen. There's an old son of a bitch in Dallas. Every time he gets up from behind the podium he says, success rates today are the same as it was. You can call any intergroup office, you can call any archivist and they'll tell you the same truth. Look at the number of desire chips that we're passing out. People are not staying sober. They're just not. Why? What's the difference? What's the difference between now and then? I say this every time I speak from the podium. It's on every tape I think I've ever done. Because everybody wants to make a goddamn excuse for this. Oh, it's the breakdown of the family unit. I hear it until I want to puke. Oh, it's the damn crack addicts. Oh, it's the legal system. Oh, it's the... Jiminy Christmas. You know, I had a guy sit down one of me and tell me the other day these electrical high lines that we've got back through here, you know, that was the reason that alcoholism is so rampant. And I'm looking at this guy. I said, buddy, when's the last time you had your meds adjusted? Because you were off the... But you see, we want to make all these excuses, but we don't want to get down to the brass tacks. What's the truth? The truth is, is the same message that saved Dr. Bob and Bill, right? The same message that had a success rate of nearly 100% 64 years ago is not the same message that we hear today. Excuse me. It is not the same message. They didn't have any of those stupid little one-liners back then, folks. Let me tell you this stuff. This is stuff that has crept into the fellowship in years past. This is stuff that the treatment centers have given us. And we're forever going to pay the price for this nonsense. And what I'm hoping to do tonight is charge up some of you young adults. Because let me tell you, you guys are the ones that are going to be carrying the bucket. You're the one carrying the banner now. As we get older and die off, as the old-timers, the people that were around back in the early 30s and 40s, the original members, as they die off, who in the hell do you think is going to be carrying the message? Do we want to carry a message that got a bunch of people sober? Or do we want to carry the message of our own goddamn opinions that are killing thousands of us? I hope we all get back on the same page. It's called working the steps. It's called working the steps. Not talking about the steps. Not studying the steps. Not reading them off the goddamn wall. Working the steps. Working the steps. The steps we took is what the book says. You see, and the fellowship is riddled with people. Folks, I know I'm pissing some of you. I know I'm making some of you uncomfortable. Because if the shoe fits, wear it. I sat around this fellowship for eight years and dated the women and drank the coffee and smoked the damn cigarettes and said, I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. And never worked one single step. Never did a damn thing that the program asked me to do and continued to relapse over and over and over. Instead, he's blaming... Oh, shit. How many of you are experienced that's been in a meeting, in a smaller meeting like this, and then you'll be in there and you'll say it introduced like we had so many newcomers in here. That was the coolest. And people that were 30 days or younger. I'm speaking to you. You're going to walk out of here with nothing else but some hope and maybe a good looking girl's phone number. Okay. So, we're going to get sober. I didn't say we're going to get spiritual here like this. Okay. But here's the deal. Here's the deal. And you sit in the deal and tell them that you're an alcoholic. Then the guys start coming up and giving you all the little one liners and pinching you on the cheek. Here's my story. Here's my story. I'm in the food business and I... God, I'm not a happy camper. I'm real successful at what I do. I'm good in the kitchen. I'm quick. I'm fast. I can kick butt. I need to tell you that I wasn't always like that. I am absolutely the shyest person you'll ever want to meet. And Tony can attest to that. My nice hosts that have been with me today, every time I'm around, they say, Chris, you're the best. I'm the best. I'm the best. Every time I'm around, they say, Chris, are you okay? You seem so quiet. I am quiet. Right up until the time I get back here and talking about the power of God. I don't know. I got a blowtorch up my ass. It's a different deal. I don't know. I'm telling you, we need more people out there kicking the butt. I can guarantee you that. The water's fine. Come on in. I'm uncomfortable. I'm irritable, restless, and discontent. We were talking about it in the doctor's opinion this morning. I'm not a happy camper. Folks, I lost an eye when I was 11 years old. I went out and picked a rock fight with the biggest boy I could to show that I was better than anybody else out there. I was so uncomfortable. I was the only 11-year-old I knew that was so desperately in need of a drink it wasn't even funny, you know? And I just, shit. A few years later, I got me some booze and I said, man, where have you been all my life, you know? I got me some booze. It was a few years later, I found cocaine and I was off to the race. Race right straight into hell, right? But I'm going 900 miles an hour and I think I'm kicking the world in the ass. Right up until the time I get to the apartment door and I'm alone by myself and it's just me and that bottle, me and that cocaine, and there's nobody else around, right? And it's just me. And I hate myself. I can't look myself in the mirror and the depression's so thick I can't stand it and I'm shaking. I'm so afraid of getting up the next morning and trying to do it again. Y'all, does this relate to some of what we're talking about here? It's an internal feeling. I've never called a girl sober to ask her for a date. Never once. How can you do that? How can you go wash clothes without a bump or something? You know, it's just, you know, it's just, you know, it's just, you know, it's just, you know, it's just, you know, to get you... I mean, how can you do that? You know, I... Y'all don't understand what I'm talking about. See? If I was at the Rotary club talking about this, they'd just . You know, like, what? What? What is he talking about, you know? No, uh. We are different, God dammit, we're different. There's 10% of us in this world, approximately 10% that are wired different. Alcoholic and addict. We are just different. See how many of you just, you know, you want to be just like everybody else. Well, you're like- everybody else, except in this way right here. Physical allergy and mental obsession. And in those ways, you're different. Nobody could explain that to me. My father was a drunk. He was a good man, but he was just a drunk. He'd go on benders. He'd stay sober for nine, ten months, and then he'd be gone for a week. He'd come back, stay sober for ten months, be gone for a week. Y'all follow what I'm saying? Absolute textbook alcoholic. Dying inside, miserable, right? Everybody's trying to figure out what's wrong with the old man. Oh, it must be your wife. Oh, it must be this. Oh, it must be that. No, it's not. He's wired different. He's an alcoholic, just like us. I'm walking into my first meeting, right? I'm extremely successful at what I do. I'm in my 20s, and I'm chefing in some big hotels in Texas. And we're doing... Anybody in the food business in here? Waitresses? Waiters? Anybody? There's a bunch of just knuckleheads in here. Y'all know what I'm talking about. It's partyville. I mean, that's what I got in the business to begin with. And you just go to work, and then you get drunk all night. And then you wake up sort of, come to, and then you go to do it again the next day. But I'm hating my life, and I'm miserable, and I'm depressed, and I don't want to play this game. And I'm married, and I'm in North Texas, and I can't get sober, and I... She sticks in the lead, and I'm in a little financial hot water. Cocaine's a little more expensive than I thought it would be. My get-rich-quick schemes are not working, you know. It's like Craig was talking this morning. I'll buy a whole bunch, do a little, and sell a bunch. It was just... Oh, shit. And you see, this shit will pay for this shit. It'll all work out. You know, we'd all be in Amway. We'd be rich, you know. Fucking unbelievable. Unbelievable. Anyway, and I go into the meeting, and I said, you know, guys, my name's Chris Rayburn, and I'm like a parrot. You hear everybody else. My name's Chris Rayburn, and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm here to try to get sober. And then be inevitable. I've checked with some people since the last time I was here, and I've heard that they do this. They do the same thing here in Tucson, too. In Phoenix. Wherever the hell... Where are we? Arizona. This is the coolest. I need to get out of town more often now. I've got to tell you this real quick before I forget. The women are good-looking. They said Texas has the best-looking women. That's bullshit. I'm telling you. Phoenix is... You're married, Chris. I know. I know. This is good. But if I wasn't, I'd be moving to Phoenix. I've got to tell you. I know. There's another 12-step program for that, too, isn't there? I'm walking into these meetings up in North Texas, though, and I'm diligently wanting to get sober. And the chair people, much like tonight, they read how it worked, and they got the stuff on the wall, and then they start every meeting with the same old stuff as they did up there. And they're still doing it up there in North Texas. Well, you see, he's coming, isn't he? Who's got the problem? I'm kind of confused. I think we're sitting in a room full of people that have got a problem. It's called alcoholism. I think that's what we're supposed to be here to talk about, isn't it? Oh, but not today. You see, because some of us in this room have more pressing problems. Oh, I know this disease is chronic in nature, and it will kill us. And we'll take the whole family down with us. But you see, little Joey's having trouble in traffic today, and he had a little road rage today, and so what we're going to talk about is accepting the thing on life's terms, and we want to talk about traffic today, and that's what we're going to talk about. And you all think I'm laughing, and then tomorrow it's going to be relationships. And the day after that, it's going to be babysitters. And the day after that, it's going to be... Listen, I was in a meeting in North Texas not long ago. I'm telling you, it's been two or three years ago. And we talked about astrology. Sobriety and the stars. And I'm coming apart at the seams. I'm sitting here thinking, you know, what would I have done if I had been in my first AA meeting, just like so many of these people here, dying, coming apart at the seams. I'm suicidal, right? The depression's so thick, I just, you know... All I'm looking for is some goddamn hope. Can I get up from this room and walk out of here and ever hope to not obsess about alcohol or drugs? Can I... Would that monkey ever be off my back so that I can just sit on the front porch and be at ease and comfort? Are we going to talk about that? Is anybody going to give me some hope about that? Absolutely not. We're going to talk about everything else under the sun except that. And I listened to it for a few days and I said, thank you very much, guys. I'm obviously in the wrong room. Two years later, I'm in trouble with the law. And I have to go back this time. I have to go back to AA. I've got to do something. And I go back, and we do the same thing over and over again. Only this time, we've added another dimension. It's called the war stories. Single number one reason that we can't keep people in the program today. War stories. People pissing and moaning about their problems and war stories. You guys that are fixing to get up, run. Sit here for two seconds. Let me make my disclaimer. Is there a place for war stories? You betcha. Is there a place for identification? It, huh? It's called Denny's. It's the greatest. It's called My Living Room. It's called the parking lot. It's called anywhere but my AA meeting. You know? It's just, it just, it just, is there a place to talk about your problems? Do you need to talk about the traffic? Do you need to talk about the babysitter? Do you need to talk about your medication? Do you need to talk about your fucking PO? Yes. Yes. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Anywhere but my AA meeting. Folks, we got one shot. Let's pretend this guy right here has been drinking, and he needs to get sober. We got one shot at this guy, and we need to stop being so flippant about it. I hear the old-timers all the time. Oh, don't worry about him. If he leaves, the fucking whiskey will drive him back. No, you know, let me tell you what. There may have been a time in my fellowship when that was the truth, but let me tell you something. And I know this is an AA meeting, but I'm going to go ahead and say this right now, just to get out of the way. There's a little substance called crack cocaine out there that has changed the complexion of recovery in this country. And the idea that he can walk out, and I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here to talk about this. The idea that he can just walk back out there, and maybe we'll get him back, is absolute horseshit. We owe this man at least the dignity of hearing the truth about this fellowship. We're not here to talk him into being a drunk. We're here to show him that he can have a good time, and get the message, and change his life at a cellular level, if he so chooses. And if he so chooses not to, he can go someplace else and play. But too many of us are leaving the fellowship never hearing the message. We've never had the opportunity to hear the message out of the book. AA meetings, folks, ought to be a pep rally. We ought to have a play. It ought to be just like this. A lot of laughter, and a lot of people kicking it. Look, enjoying sobriety. The book says that we're going to be changed at a cellular level, folks. The book says that we're going to be rocketed off into the fourth dimension. And this man needs to hear it. Because if he thinks this is just some place to come and piss and moan about his problems, he ain't going to stay. I hear people until I just want to scream. Well, but the newcomer has to have a place to share his problems. I'm saying it again. Yes, he does, but it's not the meeting where he needs to be. He needs to share it. Nowhere in the book does it say that this is a dumping ground for your problems. This man's going to die of alcoholism. If he gets up and doesn't hear the message, he may walk out the door, take a bottle, go out, get drunk, and kill me. I want the guy sober. Listen, okay, if he comes to my meeting, and he doesn't hear what to do with his girlfriend, and he doesn't get the secret, so what? You follow what I'm saying? But he may drink if he doesn't dump. I hear it all the time. If you've got a problem and you don't share it in a meeting, you'll take it away with you. You know, I just need to say this. So the fuck what? So what? You know, when are we going to grow up and understand it? We're not all going to be problem free. What is this? Jesus. If you don't work the steps, you're going to be dead anyway. So why don't we stick with our single-listened purpose that we were talking about before the meeting and talk about the work? Let's find out with a newcomer tonight, if you're an alcoholic or an addict or not. Let's find out what you are by going through the first 40 pages of the book and finding out if you've got the physical allergy and the mental obsession. If you've got those two things, you're one of us. I don't give a rat's ass how many DWIs you had. Folks, I'm going to hit this pretty hard here for a second because one more time, this is why we're losing our young adults in these meetings. This is why we can't keep young adults in the fellowship. And we so desperately need you in the fellowship because we place this picture up with these stupid-ass war stories and young adults who haven't been drinking that long can't compete. And so it feels like, well, I've never had a DWI. And then this is what I did in 1980. I walked out the doors and nearly died because I didn't feel a part of the fellowship. Nowhere in here does it say that you have to have a DWI to qualify for membership in my fellowship. It doesn't say you've got to, no, it doesn't. It doesn't say you've got to go to jail. It doesn't say you've got to beat your wife. It doesn't say you've got to rob liquor stores. It doesn't say you've got to go to prison. It doesn't say you've got to be a hooker. It doesn't say you've got to write hot checks. It doesn't say any of that horse shit. It says this. If I've got a bottle in front of me and I take a drink, can I guarantee you, guarantee you every time that I can control how much I'm going to take? Put another way, the book puts it, put another way, have you ever drank more than you intended? It's the national answer of the alcoholic. Well, a couple of times. A couple of times. A thousand. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. So now you've got the physical allergy. Now you've got the physical allergy, right? You drank more than you intended. The book says normal people never do that. Never do that. See? Now then, when you don't want to drink, you're in hot water, your girlfriend said, listen, if you come over drunk again, no more pokey pokey. And you don't, they can tape you from over there sweating, you know. You come over again, no more. Okay. And so, and so you do. Not me. You know, for a couple of weeks, you go over there sober every time. But then there comes a time when you, when you just out of the clear blue sky, just grab a bottle and go over to her house, you know, because given sufficient reason, you can't stop on your own, right? I don't care if the PO is asking. I mean, look around the room and think of examples and times when somebody's given you sufficient reason and you haven't been able to pull it off. You're going to go to jail? Nah, they won't catch me. Of course they'll catch you. They do all the time, you know. Folks, what is it when we do that? You stop and get a cup of coffee someplace and it's a bad cup of coffee, you never go back. You know, given sufficient reason, can you stop going back to that? Yeah, absolutely. They get shitty coffee. How many times did you get a drink and it wasn't up to your satisfaction, but you went back anyway, right? Isn't that the truth? I mean, let's get, let's get straight here, folks. We're drinking for the effect. Isn't that right? It wouldn't matter if there was a cat turd floating in it. You'd drink it anyway. I've got to come up with some new analogies. I've got to come up with some new analogies. It wouldn't matter if you had a handful of crickets in there. You'd still drink it anyway, wouldn't you? If it was the last drink in the place? Okay. Okay. But that's what we need to talk about, and that's not, that's what we don't talk about in the meetings. We talk about all the stupid drama, right? If you, if you, if you're in this room, if you've been drinking and drugging because you're having a bad family life, you're not an alcoholic and addict. If you're here, because you, no. Y'all hear what I'm saying? The only reason that you should be here is if you've lost the power of choice and control. We were laughing about it the other morning. Every Christmas, my mom fixes mimosas. Y'all know what that stuff is? I mean, I never drank that crap. I mean, why waste good champagne with pouring orange juice in it, for Christ's sake? You know, every Christmas morning, she fixed her a mimosa, and this Christmas was like no other. I have an identical twin brother that's sober in the fellowship too, lives in Dallas, and no, he didn't wear a patch either. Jesus Christ. You guys always jam me about this. But we're sitting there Christmas morning, we're watching Lois drink, and it's interesting how normal people drink, right? And she finished this drink, and set it down, you know, and it still had about that much in it, and Myers finally said, he said, Lois, are you going to finish that drink? It was, you know, 30 minutes later, it was all hot, and she says, no, no, no, I've had enough. She said, we're going to open gifts. I'm starting to feel it. I look at Myers, and I say, no, can you understand that? Can you read that? What do you mean you're starting to, that's the idea, isn't it? You're starting to feel it, and now you want another. But you see, she's a normal drinker. She's a normal drinker, a normal drugger, given sufficient reason, she's starting to feel it. She doesn't want to mess up the day. She has the power to say no. Nancy Reagan, you know, just say no. That's for the hard drinkers out there. Just say no. Jesus Christ, folks, if we could just say no, don't you think we would do it? I mean, do you think I like getting in trouble with the law? No, come on. I'll put it straight. Do you think one day, I just woke up one day and said, you know, I think I'm going to go get my dinner out of the dumpsters tonight. I think that would be a cool experience. You know, we do what we have to do. And I'm sitting in a room full of people that are doing what they have to do. And you drank not because you wanted to, but because you had to. Let me tell you a quick story. You keep an eye on time for me, brother. Let me tell you a story. This is a classic example. I've told it a thousand times up at the place I work. It's my infamous Walmart story. But this is classic and this explains where we're at. A lot of you young adults can understand what we're talking about here. This is choice and control business. I'm pushing my basket up in Walmart. Right? And the lady in front of me, she's got a couple of kids. You know how they do it? And they've got a couple of kids. One jumps out and they grab him around the neck and stick him back in. And the other one jumps out and they get, you know, I don't know. I drink too. Jesus, all them kids. I've been around them all weekend. I'm fixing to go get me some Valium. I just, kids, there's amazing things. But she's up there and she didn't have enough money, right? She wants to buy some stuff. She's got a few little things and not much. And she didn't have enough money. And I offered to pay. I got money. Folks, I've got to tell you. I've got to, I mean God's good. God takes care of His kids. I don't have financial problems today. And haven't had since I got working the step. And that's a promise from me to you. Book says it, not me. So I try to help the lady and she didn't want my help. She starts putting things back and I got, you know, 69 cent box of Crayolas is the first thing that goes back. The little kids wanted the Crayolas. They put the Crayolas back. Of course, both the kids were screaming and crying. And I'm, it's ripping my heart out. That's why I don't have kids. They can get to me in a heartbeat. And I'm going, lady, lady, lady, you know what are we going to do? And some food items went back. Well, see what I've neglected to tell you. On the skid underneath, there was a 12 pack of red light. And the lady behind me, you know, we're backing up over O'Hare back here, you know, and the lady behind me taps me on the shoulder. She hadn't got a clue who she just tapped, right? And because I'm spiritually fit today, I'm not Charles Manson, you know what I mean? I didn't have to rip her head off. But she taps me on the shoulder and very, very quietly, you know, with this sense of disgust, you know, she says, you know, I wonder, isn't that terrible? She says, I wonder when the beer's going back. You know, well, what she sees on the surface is this. She sees that the mother is taking the kids' toys away and putting the food back in order for her to go out and have a drink. What the lady behind me thinks is that the lady's going to go out there and crank up some Leonard Skinner to get down and rock and roll all afternoon and have a great time. What she doesn't understand is the lady in front of me is suffering from fucking alcoholism, and she's going to die of the damn disease. She ain't doing it because she wants to have a party. She's doing it because she's trying to get through the day. She's trying to be the best mother she can be. She's trying to take care of her business. All she's trying to do is get through the day. She ain't enjoying it. Do you think she wanted to hear those kids cry like that? Do you think if she couldn't, she would have made things different? But she didn't have the message. And I get weepy every time I think about it. God damn it, that's hell on earth. That's not life. You know, I watch the ladies on the street hooking, and everybody makes light jokes about it. I hear so many crack-cord jokes, I want to puke. There's nothing funny about it. You know, ain't nothing funny about it, because the shit stinks. You know, our brothers and sisters dying in this fellowship believing that they're there because of the circumstances around them. They're there because of an internal condition. We watch them die by the thousands. The lady didn't even get to the parking lot before she had one of those beers cracked. Just trying to get through the day, folks. Just trying to get through the day. She ain't like the lady behind me, who has the power of choice. And it's got nothing to do with the internal, the external world. It's got to do with the internal world. The lady's dying. And we've got some hope for her in this book. And that's what we need to be talking about. Time in and time out, that's what we need to be talking about. Some of you guys have got issues until the cows come home. And I know you need to talk about those issues. But bottom line is, it's like triage, folks. I need to get you God first. And then we can talk about all the other happy horse shit you want to. But the problem is, what we want to do is we want to get well first. We want to get all the problems taken care of, and then we're going to go to God. And that's not the way it works, folks. We go to God first by working the steps. That's what the steps are, folks. It's not a self-help program. Some of you guys that have been around the fellowship a while, some of you got Hazleton catalog. Look up the big book in Hazleton catalog and see where it is. It's listed under self-help. I just want to puke. An organization that big and that established and they still don't understand what this damn thing's about. This is not a self-help program. If you could help yourself, don't you think you would have done it years ago? This is not a program where we come in here and help ourselves get sober. The desire to drink and drug was not removed from me by a sponsor. It was not removed from me by a therapist or a treatment center. It was removed from me in a twinkling of an eye by God. One day I'm obsessing about cocaine and alcohol, and I just can't stand it. How am I going to get through the day without a beer? How am I going to get through? And the next day, as I'm working through the step before I'm even halfway through, God has removed the obsession for me to use. I've recovered. Oh, Chris, you can't talk about being recovered from the podium, because after all, you know we're always going to be in recovery. That's horse shit. Folks, we've got to get straight. That's a lie. When the desire for you to drink and drug is removed from you, you have recovered from this disease. And then you have one responsibility to take that message back into the fellowship and share that with the next person who is not recovered. It's not to come back in here and try to fix every fucking problem in the fellowship and in the world. In these meetings, this is not a dumping ground for your problems. I'm going to hit this pretty hard for a second, because, folks, I love this fellowship, and we're dying. We have less membership in AA today than we did five years ago. Isn't that amazing? We have more drunks out there. We have more people that need the fellowship, but our fellowship is shrinking for the first time in 64 years. Why? Because the old-timers can't stand what's going on in this fellowship. The newcomers won't stay and listen to it for a second. If I've got to sit here and listen to you piss and moan about your divorce one more time, I'm going to puke. I'm going to say it again. But if he doesn't talk about it, he may go drink. He's going to go drink anyway. Unless you have a spiritual experience, you're going to go drink. So why is it that every meeting we go to, we're not talking about God and the steps? Why is it that every meeting we go to is not a pep rally? Here's why. This is so good. This is great. Here's why. Stick with me for just a few seconds. I'll wrap this down so y'all can go smoke. Here's why. Because the fellowship as a whole, my fellowship, Alcoholics Anonymous, that I believe was spiritually, divinely given to us, as the fellowship as a whole is rather apathetic. And in our apathy, let me put it another way so you'll really understand what I'm saying. I would rather lie to you and candy coat this thing than to take a chance and tell you the truth and hurt your feelings. I'd rather let you sit in my meeting and puke all over the table and vent and scream and use it as a fucking process group than to tell you to shut the fuck up and talk about God and the steps. No, it's the truth. Some of you that hear my tapes, you get a little cranky and you get in the meetings and that's the first thing you want to do. Somebody starts sharing and you say, hey, shut the fuck up. I'm not asking you to do that. I'm doing that for dramatic effect tonight. I mean, I'm doing that. But there's ways to do that. You can say, excuse me a minute. Have you got a sponsor? And the guy says, well, no. And then you can say, well, shut the fuck up. No, no, no. No, no. No, no. And then say, and then say, excuse me a minute. Well, but this stuff would be much better talked about after the meeting. I'll get with you right after the meeting and talk. Right now, we were talking, I believe, about the fourth step. Would anybody else care? And just take responsibility for the meeting and lead it back into where it needs to be talked about. We need to keep working the steps. You see, folks, the young adults in this place didn't have young adult alcoholism. It's a piece that I really want to hit for a second. And the black people don't have black alcoholism. And the Mexican-Americans don't have Mexican-American alcoholism. We just got one fucking disease. It makes us all very sick. And it's all treated the same way. It's all treated the same way. By diligently working the steps. Starting on the title page of the book, working back through 164, and doing everything it asks you to do. Working the inventories, making all the amends, and here's the guarantee. Before you're halfway through, you'll recover from this thing. I've never, never seen it fail. I know it says it's step 12. I'm saying before you're even halfway through this deal, the desire to smoke crack or drink alcohol, whatever your damn problem is, will leave you, and you'll be kicking some butt and taking names. But you see, we got a bunch of people, we keep letting them off the hook. And that's what I'm going to ask you people to do tonight. Help me help the fellowship be more responsible. Help me when you see somebody going down the toilet, don't just look at them and say, oh, well, live and let... I mean, how many times are we going to say that? Live and let live. At what point does that become apathy? What? No, I'm not going to live and let live. If I see this guy going down the toilet, it's my responsibility if I'm close to him to grab him around the neck and say, no, excuse me, buddy, let me tell you a few things first. And then if you want to go down the toilet, that's your business. But you're going to hear the truth first. You're going to hear that there is hope. We got people sitting in these meetings that still think that it's normal to sit in a meeting and obsess about drinking and alcohol, drinking and cocaine. It is not. The desire to use will absolutely leave you. Oh, but then we have to realize... Let me tell you about our triggers. Man, you know, I'm glad we got this chair now because my legs are really out from under me when I talk about this. You know, I think in early sobriety, those things are real important, but I've got to tell you this right off the bat. My God, my higher power, didn't sober me up so I could walk on eggshells the rest of my life. You know, I hear people all the time. They call me on the telephone. Well, Joey, you know, he's not doing too good, but we believe, we think it's because, you know, he's still wearing that Metallica t-shirt. You know, it's like, excuse me, excuse me a minute. The t-shirts cause... We're back to the radio waves again. You know, what are we talking about here? You know? No, what we need to ask little Joey is this. Joey, did you get a sponsor? Did he start it on the title page and work you through the 164 pages and let you work the steps so that you can have... No? Oh, see, now there's the problem. It's got nothing to... God put me on this earth to kick butt and take names, folks. God put me on this earth to go out there and make a bunch of money and to be successful. No, he didn't. I get sick and tired of sitting around these meetings and listening to people say, oh, I was in a meeting, shit, two weeks ago. I heard, oh, the most spiritual people I know are poor people. That's horse shit. There may be some spiritual people out here, folks, but if you think God doesn't want you to pay your bills, you're mistaken. I can't rent a car? Folks, that's hell on earth. Lord, I'd like to go hear some hot jazz, but I'm sorry they got their drinking in there. I'd like to go to that great art show, but they're serving wine in the back room. I can't go there. I'd like to go down to Trees and Dallas and hear some rock and roll, but goddamn, they got a crack house around the corner. I can't go there because everything's triggered me. Folks, we've got to get straight. I almost lost it there. I didn't start speaking in tongues, almost. I caught it. I pulled it back in before it got away from me. We've got to get straight, folks. This is the truth, and this is the message. See, this is the message they were giving back in the olden days, and this is why so many people got sober. A guy would come in, like these newcomers in here, and the fellowship would just surround them, and they would help them get on their feet, and they would get them in a straight line, but you see what would happen is they wouldn't take nine months to work them through the steps. One month, they would have them work through the steps. Boom. Finished. Fini. They had recovered, and then you know what that guy's doing? Then he's back in there sitting at the door waiting for the newcomer to come in. You know? And the old timers say, there's one right there. He looks like Tommy. Look. See Tommy standing right there? God, that'd be a scary thing to go after something like that, wouldn't it? No. But I think that's the new thing. That's what the old sponsors would do. He'd say, now go get him. He's yours. Oh, I haven't been sober long. Show me in the book where it says you've got to be sober six months to go 12-step somebody. Show me where it says three months. It says, having had a spiritual awakening, we go out and try to carry the message to the other alcohol. It says, try to carry. We don't sit on our ass and wait for somebody to come to us. We go look for them. Hey, you've got a sponsor? You need somebody to help you through the work? Let me show you how to do it. You follow me? It's just that simple. Folks, I'm going to write this down, but we don't have enough help in the trenches. People say, oh, Chris, you sound like you're promoting it. I am. I need to tell you, we need the help in our fellowships. We don't have enough people carrying the message. We've got a lot of people coming around, drinking the coffee and visiting. I mean, come on, folks. This room is not this full because Chris Ramer is speaking tonight. It's this full because we're going to hear some great music tonight. We're going to get down and dance and maybe get laid. You see that between? But tomorrow, but tomorrow, we're going to have to carry the message. This is why we're here, folks. And let me tell you something. Until you've experienced the beauty of giving the message back to somebody, you don't know what that's about. I'm telling you, I know there's a lot of people in here that have done a lot of dope and a lot of alcohol, and you get pretty goddang high. I'm telling you, it doesn't come close to the experience that you'll experience when you walk into a room. And I've just taken this guy through the work, right? And he's sober, kicking butt, and his life's coming back together. And within a couple of weeks, he's over here working with this guy, right? And he's got the book open, and he's doing just like me, you know. He's everything but the patch, you know. And he said, now listen, let me show you on page 23 where it says we're without defense. And he's taking this guy through the work. And you don't see it. It's the absolute coolest. And he ain't sitting there talking about the marriage, and he ain't trying to tell the guy what he's doing with his... How absolute arrogant are we to think that we know what's right for each other? How arrogant would it be for me to tell you, I don't know anything about you, to go tell you what you need to go do with your girlfriend or your wife or your family, all this? Here's what our responsibility is. Our responsibility is a fellowship, this is what the book talks about, is to get us connected to God, right? Let's help him get connected to God, and then God can show him what to do. You follow me? We spend so much time playing junior therapists in these meetings. No relationships for a first year. Give me a fucking break. But you see, we're sharing lots of stuff around the fellowship. I'll say it and get out of here. This book, I keep holding it up this little and I confuse some of you. Some of you brand new guys, this big book right here, and I know they sell them back over here, and these guys, oh man, it's the coolest. In the first 164 pages, it talks about what we're talking about here. And this is our little bullshit sifter, folks, and this is the little book that we use in Cocaine Anonymous, we use in AA, that helps us stay on track. This is the book that tells us what to talk about in meetings. If you can't reconcile it in the big book, you need to forget it. If we can all stick with that, that's fine. And if you're sharing in a meeting, and you can say what you want about me, but this is what the book says. If you're in a meeting and you're sharing something that's not in this book, you are wrong. And you're taking some mighty big chances with somebody else's life. No, because you see, what's right for you may be dead wrong for somebody else. I'm in a meeting, I'm in a meeting two days ago in Crevel, Texas, and listen to some son of a bitch tell a newcomer, take your time to walk the steps. Well, my book says exactly the opposite. My book says to seek the solution with the desperation of a drowning man. This guy that could take his time to walk the steps, he may not even be a real alcoholic, but he's sharing that with a newcomer, and that's a scary thing. Because that newcomer doesn't have time to take it. Y'all understand what I'm saying? If the newcomer walks out of the room for a few days and he's still obsessing about drugs or alcohol, he's going to pick up again, isn't he? He's going to use. Stop sharing your fucking opinions in my meetings. They're not needed and they're not wanted. We all need to get on the same page. When you hear somebody sharing that, you need to be the very next one to say, excuse me a minute, it's a meeting and you can share it if you want to, but we need to tell all the newcomers in here that everything you hear in these meetings is not fact. And if you can't reconcile it in the big book, you need to forget it. We're talking about life and death here, folks. Real life and death stuff. And I've watched too many of you die. And you know where some of my sadness comes from and a lot of my passion is? It's not that you're going to go out and die. That's the quick, easy way. It's that you're going to hang around the perimeter of this program like I did for eight years, absolutely miserable. Choked with depression. And that's worse than death. That's not what this is about. This program is about getting connected so you can get out there and kick some butt and be free. How free do you want to be? I'll end it the same way I always end it. Some of you guys will argue with me about it after the meeting. God's grace falls evenly on every one of you. I don't, listen, if any of you in here mistake me for making fun of you or mistake me for making fun of your issues or your problems, I know there's men and women in this fellowship right now, in this room right now, that are going through absolute hell on earth. I know that. And I'm not making light of that. Bless you. That's more the power to you. I want you to get connected to this power that we're talking about here. Get connected to God so that you can get past that stuff. I know some of you women are still in abusive relationships. And I'm going to say it again. God's grace falls evenly on all of you. I know some of you are dealing with mental disorders and you're taking antidepressants out the ass trying to get past it. God's grace falls evenly on all of you. God will take you to a different place. The book says after the third step prayer, the book says quite clearly that you're going to be reborn, folks. And I know some of you are flipping about it and make jokes about it, but it's the truth. This is not a church revival, but I'm telling you, the book says you will be reborn. You walk the steps. You won't be the same son of a bitch sitting in the chair right now. You won't be the same person. Yeah, you won't drink and drug anybody. That's the tip of the iceberg. The rest of it is, the rest of your life will change. You will become energized with the power of God. And you will be given the power to go help others and get out there and do the things that you've always wanted to do. Go paint some pictures for Christ's sake. Go back to school. God, go do the cool things you want to do. You want to learn to play music? Get one of these guys to show you how to do it. Start learning some cool things. That's why God puts you on this earth. You don't like your job? God will give you the power to go get a better job. Y'all follow what I'm saying? God did not put you on this earth to suffer like you've been suffering. We know what suffering is, don't we, folks? We've been on the street. We've done the time. It's our time to do it different now. It's our time to go get the good stuff. And everybody wants to poo-poo this shit. I still get people come up after the meeting. Oh, Chris Boyd, he's a real man. You still on that bucket pink cloud, isn't he? No, I'm not. It's not a pink cloud, folks. But I'm telling you this. I don't live life on life's terms anymore either. And I hear that around the meetings until I want to puke. We've been living life on life's terms out there, haven't we? Right? We've been hooking. We've been stealing. We've been cheating. We've been killing ourselves. We've been living life on life's terms. It's time to start living life on God's terms and getting the good stuff that God wanted us to give. We're fortunate in Phoenix to have such great recovery community. This is the coolest. You guys keep doing it. But understand one thing before I get out of here. You've got a responsibility. You've been given a responsibility. When this man has his spiritual experience, it's going to be a wonderful thing to watch. And everybody will pat him on the back and say, boy, that's great that you got your six months and come on, keep coming back. But let me tell you something. That comes with a responsibility. It's not free. The book says the price has got to be paid. If you will turn back around at that point and give it to the person next to you, you can keep what you got. And you'll get better and better and better. I've been sober 11 years, folks, and my life is weepy. It gets so happy. I'm telling you, it's just, I just, I'm blown away with the stuff that takes place in my life. And I get to look at all the people that come through treatment, and I get to see the people that are doing the work and what happens to them. Everybody that comes through my facility that does the work stays sober. And everybody that doesn't, doesn't. You follow me? It's just that simple. No matter what the problem. You've got a woman over here that's been abused and terrible existence and horrible life, and she stays sober. And you've got a guy over here that's making a million dollars and has got everything in the world going for him. Why can't he stay sober? Because he won't get off his ass and do the work. Just that simple. Steady blaming. Steady pointing the finger. Why can't I get sober? This lady had every reason to get drunk, and she's sober today. Why? Because she turned around and did the work. And she's carrying the message back to other women and sponsoring people. It's not an option for you to sponsor somebody, folks. I'm going to ask you right now. How many of you are sponsoring somebody right now? Bless you. Good for you. You're doing exactly what you're supposed to do. The others that haven't been doing it, you need to start asking yourself, why aren't you sponsoring somebody? Your job is not to sit in a meeting and wait for somebody to come sponsor you. That's a lie. The book says that we go find somebody. The halfway house over where we're going to be talking tomorrow night is full of people that need sponsors. The women's halfway house is full of people that need sponsors. They need people to carry the message. They need people to drive buses. They need people to volunteer. What the hell are you doing? We get sober and start giving them the power. We sit back on our ass and say, boy, ain't God great? You've got to give back. Please give back. We need your help in the trenches. Got it? I love you guys. Bye. Thank you.