Hand It Over, Snatch It Back, Hand It Over Again — That’s My Third Step on Repeat Every Day — David V.

And this is our speaker's second time at this meeting. His first time was last week, and he was probably the smoothest speaker for Tim to book because he volunteered to fill in after someone had to reschedule. And I'm very excited to hear the experiences that led him to such a proactive recovery. And with that, we have David. Hello. Hello. How's it going out there? But this is the second time I've shared my story. I did it maybe a month ago at Triangle Club, and I had similar emotions going into it where I'm, you know, the day preceding it, you're like, you know, what the hell am I going to talk about? It just kind of goes to show, you know, you learn tools in this program, you know, on how to talk to yourself and how to handle situations that used to baffle you. You know, because every time I would have one of those moments, you know, it was like, David, what are you going to say? You know, and it was like, all right, let's start from the beginning. You know, let's just go in there with the attitude of, like, how can I contribute? You know, how can I walk into this room and pray to God, please give me words that will help someone else in this room. Let my story be some sort of mirror to help somebody realize or see their life in a different way, and how can I be useful to the people around me? I'm very thankful to be here. I'm very thankful to be in this room. I'm very thankful to be in this program, because my life has just changed so dramatically. To be proud of who I was, I've always been a very positive person. I had very supportive parents. Things were given to me. I was born with athletic ability. I was born into a nice family. I have a great brother. I have a great sister. But there was something that was common in all this, and it was always me, just all the time. I can remember. I can't really remember before second grade. I remember kind of coming to and just, like, feeling, and, like, going to a new school in third grade and showing up. You know, why do they all know each other? Why are they all friends? And why don't I fit in? And it was like that. You know, there was always somebody at school that... People talk about this in these rooms all the time. It's like, somebody handed out the rules for life, and, like, we just didn't get a copy. You know, like, somebody just... shipped us on that day. We weren't there for the syllabus, or we just... I mean, we, like, someone did not give us how to do it. But that's kind of changed in the last four years. And just so you guys have frame of reference, I got sober at the beginning of 2022. I had a huge blackout on New Year's Eve. And it took me about three days to kind of wean myself off. I finally decided that I was ready to hang up the jersey. I mean, I never really felt like I knew how to live or how to be a normal person. I can remember that from when I was young. I always had sports, which was nice, because that kind of helped me fit in. I was able to use that as kind of my entry point into society or socializing, because that was some way that I could find that people with their sports. Moving schools, I went from... We used to live out in Alpharetta, and then we kind of moved in the city. When I was younger, but I remember showing up, and like I said, I didn't have the rule book. And we kept moving. We didn't keep moving, but, you know, elementary school moved on. We moved to a new group of kids. And again, here I am, and I don't know how to be around people. I just feel uncomfortable. I can't sit still. I remember that. You know, my brother and my sister, when Christmas, New Year's, Thanksgiving, or whatever, whenever we were all together, or even just as kids on the weekend, we'd be sitting watching a movie. And I'm like, I can't sit here and do this. I'm just, I'm restless. I'm not quite yet irritable, but I'm just not content. Like, I had this nervous system that was just wired to be moving, you know, which helped with the sports, but it didn't help me with relaxing. Went to middle school. Went to a new school. Here there is, there's a bigger group of people that kind of have the playbook. And then there's me still. And I had, I was a little bit behind in growing. So now I was small and insecure. And so I was really kind of screwed at that point in my life. Fortunately, my parents made a good move, and I did seventh grade twice. And so I always brag about that to new people I meet because, I don't know, I just think it's funny. But it did. It took me twice, and it really did make a big change because now I finally kind of grew into my body. And now I was good at sports, and I was bigger. And, you know, that finally helped me. You know, that finally helped me kind of figure out where I was in the world. I had finally arrived to a place that, where I felt comfortable. Eventually, that kind of wore off. Everybody caught up with me in my sports career. See, other people grew up, and they got good at sports. And then I was kind of small fish again. What changed my life was when I figured out about drugs and alcohol because all of a sudden, that overactive nervous system that I was telling you guys about was sedated, right? The first time I used smoke, alcohol, I mean anything. It was like, man, this is what I was missing. What the hell? Where was this in third grade? We could have been doing this the whole time. I mean, seriously, it felt that way. And it was like, now not only do I have this motor, but now I got people who also like to do it. And it's like, okay, now I can drink and do drugs with my friends. And they're friends because we all like to drink and do drugs. And it's like, how great is that? You know, I don't even have to work for it anymore. So it was like life came full circle. I went to that big new high school, and that was it. You know, I was the kid that was, I had an older brother. This small middle school I came from kind of introduced me to drinking and drugs kind of eighth grade graduation. I remember sitting around a bonfire, and I drank like six Miller Lights, and I fell asleep with the absolute spins. And I could not wait to do it again, you know, the next day. Well, not the next day, but I was like, man, like, yeah, I'm really happy we figured this out. This is going to be something that I'm going to use going forward. And so I remember that summer, it was a small school, me and like five guys. We all drank that eighth grade graduation. We just kept meeting up and drinking. I can even remember me going into my parents' liquor cabinet and mixing a little bit of everything in there. I mean, we're talking like chocolate liqueur with gin, with whiskey, with vodka, because you don't want to get caught. So you just take, you know, a little bit out of everything. And I remember putting that in like a water bottle and then showing up with the group. And this is summer going into ninth grade. And I'm like, hell, yeah, you know, like, we got booze. Fortunately, someone else brought like a little bottle of Smirnoff or something, so we weren't completely trashed. I mean, we weren't trashed, but I mean, just like, we weren't fucked. You know, use my language. Well, no, if you guys have enough experience, you mix all that stuff and put it in your system, you're in trouble. You know, I found my spot. I was drinking, I was smoking, and I was still decent at sports, so I'm making friends. There's sports and drinking and smoking. And I'm like, man, this is so great. Not only that, like, you know, keep in mind, I'm still, my parents had a hard time financially when I was really young. And that was about this time my dad started a business, and it was all going on around this time. I just had no perception of what his difficulties were. Didn't care, didn't know, and maybe a lot of that was me being young, but a lot of it was me just not being there mentally. I'm off drinking. I'm off smoking with my friends. I'm just, I'm trying to quiet that nervousness. I was trying to get my brain to shut up, and I was trying to cope with insecurities, and that was how I was doing it with drugs and alcohol and doing it with these friends. I've committed at this point to, I don't know if I'm going to settle on that, but I'm committed to sports. And instead of working hard at that, I'm smoking weed before I practice. Same thing. On the weekends or even at night, I'm going home or we're going out to some party or something, and I'm drinking. I'm in high school, and I'm trying to be an athlete, and I'm serious about it, I think. But at the same time, I can't, I don't think from that eighth grade bonfire, I started slow, but I don't think I went more than a week without using something. Couldn't do it. It was once I figured it out, there was no need to. I mean, there was no way to do it differently. Like, if I can self-medicate, I don't even have to tell doctors, that I've got stuff going on with me. Like, I don't have to do that. Like, looking back on that, like, the insanity of that. Like, you're supposed to tell the doctor if you're having trouble with your head, or if you're having trouble relaxing, or if you're having trouble with something. You're not supposed to turn towards mixing all the liquors in your parents' liquor cabinet and having parties with your friends. So I'm, you know, this is how I'm living. I'm just getting high, and I'm drinking. And a lot of the times, I'm doing it by myself. So there goes that friendship element. It's not just about me making friends anymore. It's about, okay, it's Wednesday night, and I could be doing my homework, but why not, like, smoke pot in the closet and watch Family Guy? You know, or... Or, like, go downstairs and have dinner with my family. Or, like, have dinner and then hang out. Like, be with this family that cares about me. That is not my motivation. My motivation is strictly to change the way I'm feeling. And so I got lucky because my older brother, he kind of looks like me. So as soon as he turned 18, I turned 18. Because I had his old driver's license. And then even better was when he turned 21, because I was also 21. And so I can remember now it was actually easier to get a hold of illegal substances because... They didn't care. I mean, no one's carting you to buy a bag of pot. So now I can drive to the gas station on, like, a Tuesday night in high school, athlete, student, and, like, I'm drinking a 40. It's like, what am I doing? Looking back on it, it's easy to laugh at. But, like, at the time... I mean, and now it's easy. But, like, when you think about it, you're like, dude, like, your priorities were just so out of whack. You got a family that's sacrificing, spending a lot of money to send you a nice, like, high school. They're helping you pay for sports. They're helping you pay for teams. They're supporting you wholeheartedly. And you're off 40s on a Tuesday in 11th grade, 12th grade, spending tons of money on bags of weed. I mean, I'm stealing money out of my parents' wallet. And that was one of the first things I came clean about when I got sober. I mean, it took me to be a 31-year-old human being to get honest. Get honest about that. And we'll get to some of that later. We're still kind of trained, I think. But high school athletes, I'm always wondering why I'm not playing, you know, why I'm not... Exactly. Why I'm not getting my chance, you know, at the varsity football team. This kid, this quarterback that's ahead of me, he's studying film. He's working hard. He's asking what he can do to improve. I'm smoking an eighth of a pot. Drinking 40s. Not going to film study. But I'm like, what the hell? You know, why don't I get to play? I'm so talented. Like, what is that about? That was kind of how it continued for a while, was me just feeling sorry for myself. Not seeing that all of my decisions were based on not my future, you know, like not what I could use, like the tools that I've been given, the support system that I've been given, but like how can I get drunk or high or make people like me? And that was like my motivation for everything. I was talking about this before the meeting. Finally, I get it together enough that I go back to play baseball, which is what I was originally really good at. And I had an awesome junior, senior year, even while high and drinking, and I got away with it somehow, enough to where college coaches wanted me to come play baseball for them. We won a state championship my junior year, which was very cool. But then my senior year, we had a better baseball team, but the weekend before our semifinal event, seven of my friends got arrested because we all were doing what we were normally doing. We just finally got caught. But this was a Cinco de Mayo, I guess, of like 2009. And I had a bunch of pals. We were leaving a house party, and I left about 10 minutes early. We were in a different car. And then they were in that car, and police pulls up, and they all get busted. We don't win state that year. Because a lot of those guys, they were my best friends, and we were all really good at sports. We were really good at getting high. And that was kind of what we did. So we didn't win state that year. But I did have a good enough year where I got to go play in college. And I had some coaches reaching out to me. And I can remember even my motivation when I was looking at schools, I got accepted into like, well not only accepted into, but I got asked to come play baseball at three or four really cool schools. It was the first school I went to that they took me out. And we smoked weed, and we drank, and we drank, and we smoked weed. And I was like, I don't even care about the other schools. Like I don't even want to look into what they have to offer. Because I figured out this has everything I need, you know, I don't really, I don't need to know about their educational beliefs. I don't need to know about their politics. I don't need to know, you know, what my major is going to be. Like I found out that I already have somebody's phone number to like buy drugs and alcohol. So that would just require more effort if I would have to go to these other schools and even find other phone numbers like that. It's the insanity of it all. You know, like I would give it the whole world. And I'm, you know, I'm squandering it. You know, there's stories in tons of religious texts, and I won't go down that road, but you know, I was the squanderer. That was me. But I didn't know it. You know, I was, I thought I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing. You know, and it was always like, why me? You know, why am I not getting this opportunity? You know, why can't they see how great I am? And I couldn't see that that was happening until, I guess, 12 years later. So I go off to school. I start running with, you know, similar patterns start repeating. I start running with more different forms. These are the people I'm hanging out with. Not even hanging out with the baseball team. You know, I'm hanging out with relatively junkies. And I'm just showing up for practice. Not on varsity. You know, like why am I, what's going on here? Baseball inevitably didn't really work out as you can see. I just, my head wasn't there and I wasn't working hard. And I kind of gave that away. I had a panic attack. Like a life panic attack when I was down there. Because I'm hanging out with these guys and I'm realizing that I headed for nothing but death at this point in my drinking life career. And I wasn't that far down that road, but I saw it. Because some of the guys I was with, you know, I think three of them are dead now. They're gone. And I remember one of them telling me how he had stole his parents' wedding rings to pay for drugs and alcohol. And these are my pals. You know, these are the guys I'm spending my time with. I mean, it was a mess. I mean, that was the story and it repeated itself. I was given, and still am, you know, I had given all these wonderful opportunities and I would just find ways to, that my anxiety, you know, my fear would lead me to choose methods of coping with life that were going to do nothing but destroy. And that's what they did. And they kept doing that. Baseball would end. And I'll give you one more story of the dysfunctionality and then we'll kind of slip into like what it's, what happened and what it's like now. I went to University of Georgia. The coach recruited me. He got let go. But the new coach said, alright, you got one year to like just be here and then we'll come give you a walk-on position. Next year, you know, if you show up in good shape. But me, I spent the whole year out at the bars. I spent the whole year drinking. Spent the whole year not focused on anything. And I showed up to that tryout, you know, probably 20 pounds heavier and 15 beers better. And by better I mean wandering the streets at 4 a.m. trying to figure out where else I can get drunk or high. And now I'm going to try to play baseball for the University of Georgia. Makes sense. So, it was unmanageable. And it stayed that way for about seven, eight more years. Just different forms of unmanageability. Different life pursuits that I've decided I don't really need to commit to fully because it's easier to just go home and disappear mentally for the night. You know, let's just take momentum and step on it. Just pretend that the opportunity was never really there to begin with or that we didn't really care that much. All this kind of came to a head. I mean, it was just 10 years of kind of the same cycle. And inevitably it would come to the point where I'd be drinking and I'd be anxious. And it didn't matter. That anxiety would not go away. I'd be sitting at a table at a restaurant with my friends and I'd be just out of my mind anxious. And like this is, I'm not even like hungover yet. This is like when I had recovered a couple days after my last experience. And I'd be sitting there and I'm just, I can't keep living in my body. I go out New Year's of 2021 and I'm looking for, I'm looking to feel better. I'm looking for a girlfriend. I'm looking for alcohol. I'm just looking for something. It doesn't matter how much, you know, substance I put into my body. I can't find what I'm looking for. But I'm sure as hell searching. So I remember that night just kind of blacking out after like 25 beers on the day. Waking up the next day and being like, dude, what the hell just happened? But not only that, but now we're physically like, I can't just go into the next day and not drink. Because you guys know if you drink, you know, you have to drink again the next day. Or else you're going to have a panic attack or or a seizure or something. I go through the next day and I have about seven or eight drinks just to come down, you know, off the night before. And then we go into the next day and maybe even a little bit of Xanax. And I'm like, that was kind of, so it wasn't that day, it was the next day. So we're talking four days in that I am sitting at my parents' house because they live in relatively the same neighborhood. And it was, you know, a place that felt safe to me. But I'm sitting there and I just lose it. You know, I get overcome by this sense of, you know, I've been fighting something for my whole life and I have never dealt with it properly. And I can remember every, from when I was a little kid up, when I was uncomfortable or afraid or whatever was felt, you know, like the victim, I turned to drugs and alcohol. It all came out. And that was January 3rd of 2022. And since that day, my life has changed. So if you're out there ending your journey fresh, I remember what it was like. I remember having about six months of just absolute fear, anxiety. It's pretty much every negative emotion you can think all rolled into one. And everyone's timetable is different. So don't hold me to six months. It might be three. It might be two. It might be a whole year. It might be a couple of years, but just keep pushing. Because it gets better. I started making a lot of friends in AA. Good friends. You know, not friends that were trying to play baseball and then smoking weed after and then smoking weed before. But good friends who care about how I'm doing and how I'm feeling. Good friends who prioritize serving other people, which is a crazy idea. This commitment, I started, I became a youth leader at a church here in town. So I started with a group of seventh grade guys. And they are now in 10th grade. So you can imagine how fulfilling that's been for me. My whole life has changed. And a lot of that came from me walking in here. And I got a sponsor. And we went through the steps. And we didn't do it perfect, you know, but we sure as hell did them. And I still think that I need to do it again because I'm four years in and I've gone through it once. I'll be honest with you. You know, it's not a perfect program. And some people will tell you you should do it every year or you should do it, you know, a couple of times a year. But it's not a perfect program. You know, it's not a perfect program. And some people will tell you you should do it, you know, a couple of times a year. But, I mean, you just got to find what works for you. And you know if you need help. That's kind of number one is you need to tell somebody you need help. If you're not feeling well or if you're uncomfortable or if you're struggling with a situation, you know, that's been the biggest change for me. It's like, okay, I'm not going to turn to booze and whatever to get through this uncomfortable situation. I'm going to call my sponsor. I'm going to talk to my parents. I'm going to talk to some other people in AA. So instead of just destroying my life, I keep the momentum and I keep going. And I've been able to do some really awesome things. I went back to school. I got my MBA here in town at night. And then that kind of started a chain of self-development stuff. I ended up studying for some really challenging finance exams and passed all those. And then I found more. And then I did well on those. And then I found more. And then I did well on those. But it wasn't because I was struggling. It was because I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know if I was overly talented or smart. It was because I just kept working hundreds of hours studying. I don't think I spent 800 hours in high school or working except for finding kind of that next high. Just being a part of this program has changed my life dramatically. I'm super proud to be who I am. I'm still super human. So I can be an idiot a lot of the times. And even some of that I'm growing out of. But I like to keep a lot of it. I visit my parents. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I get mad at them just like normal people do. And I have to draw boundaries which is a crazy idea for a group of alcoholics. But I do that and I've learned how to do that because of the program. Because of the people that have influenced me within this program. Most importantly because of my higher power. Seriously, every day that goes by I start to feel anxious, I'm going to give this to you and I will certainly try and take it back as soon as possible. But then I give it over again. And then I do it again. And then I do it again. And then I forget for a couple of weeks. But as long as I do anything I mean, I have a chance because I'm forced to figure out how to deal with it. I'm forced to go through the steps. I'm forced to find a service commitment. I'm forced to call my sponsor. Because you can't live when you're that uncomfortable. But instead of escaping it, you figure out how to deal with it. And life is still life. I got diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in May of this year. Athlete. It's changed a lot. The disease and the medication for it. So there's a lot of hope for you know, even zero progression. I would have never been able to deal with a loss like that. You know, if I hadn't been here and learned how to get vulnerable and learned how to deal with it. You know, we talk sometimes. You know, we have chocolate. You know, we have good movies. We have friends. We have family. And we have these rooms. So there's a lot of good out there. We have chocolate. We also have cupcakes. And a lot of times those really get me through more than anything. If I'm being honest. But I stay sober and I'm thankful to be here. So thanks for being here. Thanks for listening. Thank God for the opportunity to change our priorities and learn how to fit in our skin.